Sleep's overrated

So I don't know if it's the fact that I just watched the last episode from season one of the OC that's got me all sad (if you haven't seen it, it's sad. Trust me) or just that I ate too much pizza and drank too much coke that's got me all messed up, but I'm freakin out. For the first time, I realized that in a week and a half, there's no part of me that's still a kid. I've actually spent so long trying to stay in college that I've run out of ways not to graduate. It's gonna happen. In a week and a half. And the funny thing is, I'm not ready. Had I done things right the first time around, I'd have graduated two and a half years ago. When I was 22. Scratch that. 3 and a half years ago, when I was 21. I guess realistically speaking, it probably would've taken me 5 years like everyone else, but you get the point. I should've been ready then. I should be ready now. I'm not. I'm scared. Scared that I'm not gonna find a job. Scared that Rachel will have to support me for an extended period of time. Scared that I'll have to ask my family for more money, when they've already given me too much. I've always told everyone else not to worry, that "things always have a way of working out." I can't even convince myself of my own motto right now. The real bitch of it all is that I ended up choosing a major that has no real value. Well monetarily speaking that is. I have no doubt that my major was beneficial to me. I learned how to read people, how to better communicate, and that will help me immensely in the long run. It'll make me a better friend, boyfriend, husband, parent, etc. What it won't do is pay any bills.


A week and a half. To figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I know it's not that cut and dry, that there's going to be plenty of time for me to define my life, but right now, all I'm thinking about is that 10 days from now, I'm screwed.

The same thing happened when I left high school though. I thought it was the end of the world. I remember sitting in my car in the Thriftway parking lot, telling Sarah Arzie that this sucked, that I wanted another year of high school. And she got really annoyed and told me I didn't know what I was talking about, that college was gonna be great and I should stop trying to rewind or pause time. I wasn't hearing her though.....I was convinced that right then, that moment, was how I wanted things to be. And I spent the first six months of college wishing that I was still in high school. And then, things got better, and college turned out to be one of the best experiences of my life. So good, that it took me nearly 8 years to move on. So maybe the next few months or the next year will be rough for me, but chances are that 10 years from now, I'll look at where I'm at and say "Right here, right now, I don't want things to ever change. I like where I'm at right here and now."