Bachelor Finale: The End of Sean's Dorky Rule...or is it?

So I didn't blog as I was watching last night like I normally do.  With a three hour telecast and not being able to start watching until after the kids go to sleep, I didn't think we'd get done watching until midnight anyways.  Plus, if I was pausing it or not skipping commercials to type, I'm pretty sure my wife would've strangled me in my sleep.  So here's my next day reactions:

I was totally prepared to write a relatively snark-free recap of last night's events.  I thought, for the first time in maybe the history of the entire Bachelor franchise, everyone handled themselves in a tasteful and non-idiotic manner.  Then I found out that this was happening:

 

Really Sean?  Really?  You had me almost believing all your tears and your continued insistence that Catherine was the "love of your life" and how you couldn't wait to spend time with her and on and on and on.  So, after putting your fiancee through the trials of a poly amorous dating scenario, then going into the ABC mandated months of sequestration while the show airs on TV, you finally get to spend time with her and your first move is to go on another reality show where you'll be dancing with an attractive blonde for hours a day while your bride-to-be sits on the sidelines cheering you on?  My God man.  I said last week that AshLee probably wasn't lying about him saying something to her about how he "didn't care" about the other girls (a sentiment echoed by contestant Selma in her blog) and this seems like another attempt to further the Sean "brand."  Ugh.  I guess now I know why he was strangely vague when Chris Harrison asked if Catherine was going to move to Dallas.  His response of "well her bags are packed for whatever happens."  Turns out they're going Hollywood to try and extend his 15 minutes.  This might be the biggest reason that The Bachelor cranks out 10 failed relationships for every successful one - the fame that comes from being a pseudo-celebrity changes these people into someone who is unrecognizable from the person they allegedly fell in love with on the show.  It would also explain why the quirky Ashley Hebert was able to find a love that at least made it to the altar - she was so dorky that fame couldn't change her.  I hope that's the case for Sean and Catherine.  They're self-admittedly dorks, so best of luck to them. 

 

Recapping the episode quickly - Sean's dad made hearts melt all over the country.  Sean spent all season telling girls exactly what they needed/wanted to hear regardless of the truth of such statements, and now we know where he got that gift from.  His dad tells Catherine that he'd treat her as his own daughter and love her and be her biggest cheerleader.  Did he know she had daddy issues?  Was this coached by ABC?  I don't know, but it was clearly the perfect thing to say to her.  Likewise, he tells Lindsay that he's been praying for Sean's wife since THE DAY HE WAS BORN, and he now wonders if this girl sitting next to him is that woman he's been praying for.  Major dad points for him. 

 

Mom's a little less gung-ho about the situation and bursts into tears when talking to her baby boy about making this decision.  Sean wraps his beefy arms around her like a python smothering a young lamb and says "don't cry mama, let's take a walk!"  While I agree with mom that it seems strange that you're getting ready to propose and you don't know who the girl is going to be, there's nothing traditional about The Bachelor.  Do you take Amazing Relationship Number One, or Amazing Relationship Number Two? 

 

Also, his niece is named Kensington and his nephew's name is Smith.  Are we sure we're watching The Bachelor and not Downton Abbey?

 

His dates with the girls are pretty mundane - spectacular views, elephant rides, talks of futures that may or may not materialize.  The highlight of this for me was unquestionably Sean telling Lindsay as they floated down the river "That over there is Myanmar, and this over here is Thailand - THAT'S HOW CLOSE the countries are to each other."  Do other countries have borders that are miles thick?  Is there just unclaimed territory between the Texas and Mexico that belongs to no one.  It's a good thing there was a river separating the two countries, had there just been an invisible line in the ground separating them, poor Lindsay's head would've been blown.  It's a shame he didn't pick her...they could've honeymooned at the Four Corners and she could be dazzled by his geography skillz again.  The highlight of Catherine's date was the matching elephant pants they wore while riding Dumbo.  I had no clue that elephant pants were actually used for riding elephants - thanks Bachelor!

 

Of course Sean spent the next morning getting ready for his proposal ceremony - by standing on a balcony in a towel.  Oh, and of course Neil Lane stopped by to drop off a 3.15 carat monster ring with no less that 165 diamonds on it.  I loved that Sean bro-hugged Neil Lane - nothing screams mature, sincere, down to Earth guy like a 28 year old whose go-to greeting is the bro hug.  Reminds me of the guy in the Nissan Altima commercial that goes into the homey handshake during an interview. 

 

Lindsay and Catherine don dresses of silver and gold, respectively.  A couple of my friends wondered if this was some sort of foreshadowing by the stylists to let us know who was finishing first and second, but that's giving the stylists too much credit.  They had Sean wearing pastel tank tops all season for Christ's sake!  Also, I'm no fashonista, but Catherine's dress was way better.  Lindsay got the boot, handled it well and that was that.  She did make the all too common mistake of asking "was it me??"  Have a little self respect, girly!  He kicked 24 other girls to the curb before telling you goodbye, you know you didn't do anything wrong.  Don't go blaming yourself for his decisions.

 

I also need to touch briefly on "the letter."  For weeks, we got ominous music over "the letter."  Turns out it's a love letter from his future wife.  I hate you ABC for pulling these stunts, but I hate myself more for falling for them.  I had all sorts of scenarios running through my head, like, what if the letter said Catherine was out, and the "big announcement" during the final rose show was that he had hooked back up with two time loser Emily Maynard!   Sadly it was not to be, as the "big announcement" was that their wedding would be televised.  In other "big news" Myanmar and Thailand are still thisclose together. 

 

The whole After the Final Rose thing was pointless.  Chris Harrison just mails in those shows, and in another shocking announcement that shocked nobody, Desiree is our new Bachelorette!  The only highlight of this was Chris Harrison asking AshLee if, now that she's watched the show, she could see why Sean picked Catherine and Lindsay over her.  Yes, please tell us why you think you're not as good as the other two women, AshLee. 

 

Thanks for slogging through another season of contrived romance with me people...see you all this summer!

Bachelor: (Some) Women Tell All

Forgive me for the late post, but I just don't have it in me to live blog these "specials".  They're just too boring and I end up surfing the web for something else while watching them.  There weren't many memorable moments from last night, but let's touch on them:

• Why are all the women there? Half of them didn't say anything (I'm looking at you, 50 Shades, in particular.)  Lesley, Robyn, and Selma offered up little tiny comments about Tierra, but other than that this show was about four women:  Tierra, Sarah, Des, and AshLee. 

• Tierra was clearly the perceived main event going into this dumpster fire of a show, but she really underwhelmed.  She didn't freak out and the girls were politely mean, using their super mega bitch looks instead of words to cut her down.  Harrison gave her credit for facing the mob, but I had no doubt she'd be there.  She loved the spotlight way too much to pass up a chance to wear a dress with a strange hole in it right around her sternum on national television.  She did dabble a little in crazy talk, mentioning how she "brings a light into every room" she walks into, but other than that, I think America was pretty disappointed.  She did mention that she was Little Miss Nevada as a child, in response to which all of America leaned back in their chairs, lifted their hands towards the sky and said "OF COURSE SHE WAS!!"

 

• One more Tierra note - It seemed like the girls were angling for an apology from her for her actions, but once Tierra did apologize (saying she apologized for handling the whole situation in a "bad way") the women rolled their eyes and shrugged their shoulders as if to say "whatever, ho-bag, we don't believe you."  I made a comment about this to my wife, who responded "that's just what girls do."  Good to know that apologies are about as valuable as a Canadian penny to the female gender.

• Sarah got up there to talk about how she's always getting dumped, and the reason must be her missing arm, because she's funny and pretty and smart.  OH MY GOD JUST SHUT UP ALREADY. You know who else is always getting dumped?  Every person who isn't currently in a relationship.  Two handed people get dumped all the time too Sarah.    The live audience of course cheers wildly when she listed off her positive qualities, further reinforcing her misguided belief that her missing hand is holding her back (bad pun absolutely intended).  Furthermore, when you break up with someone, isn't the reason always "some thing's missing?"  I have a hard time believing anyone enters a relationship saying "this is totally not going to work out in the long run."  So, unless Sarah has a habit of dating complete sleazeballs (which, if she's as smart as she begged the audience to tell her she is, doesn't seem likely), every guy started dating her with the intention of seeing it through.  And you know what?  Every single guy knew from the moment they saw her that she only had one arm.  So what, six months later, every guy just freaks out and says "I can't do this, your missing limb is just too much for me to take?"  No freaking way.  Relationships may start based on appearances, but the end based on personalities.  Stop feeling sorry for yourself and constantly looking to other people to make you feel good and she'll be fine. 

• So then Sarah "hands-off" the hot seat to Des and.....well we didn't learn anything here.  Des is cute, Sean smiles every time he thinks about her, her brother certainly didn't help the situation.  I get why they had her on, but there wasn't really a need to.  Everyone's clearly OK emotionally and has moved on already.\

• Now we get to AshLee, and hoo boy is she pissed.  She claims she's not, but she's clearly got an axe to grind.  She blindsides Sean with her accusation that he told her that the other two girls (Catherine and Lindsey) mean nothing to him.  Sean, of course, denies this.  Obviously one of them is lying, but even if AshLee is telling the truth, there's no way she can claim she's not upset or angry anymore.  Say she is telling the truth - burning Sean down like that on national television is clearly the act of an angry, spiteful woman who has now transferred all of her abandonment issues from being placed in foster care on to Sean.  She had to know that whichever girl Sean ended up with was going to see that, and there's no way Sean wouldn't have to explain himself to her.  It was a bitch move pure and simple.  And I think I know what happened in that fantasy suite.  I'll get to it in a second, but first let me provide a few stories to illustrate my point:

Imagine little Andy, a scrawny, goofy, kid of 16 who's yet to kiss a girl.  Along comes a girl who is pretty much the first female to show a definite interest in him since that time in elementary school when someone told me that this girl had a giant stuffed frog she named Andy that she "humped" every night.  Elementary school was awesome.  So now I'm involved in some serious flirting for the first time in my life, and I have no clue what to do.  We end up at a party watching a movie, the lights are off, and SHAZAM! My first kiss!  I've got all sorts of emotions and hormones going haywire that I blurt out the first thing that pops into my head:  "I love you so much!"  Was this true?  Of course not.  I ended up "breaking up" with the girl about two weeks later by putting a note in her locker saying we were better off as friends and feeling like a total asshat. 

Fast forward a few years and now I'm in college.  I'm hanging out with this girl that I'm attracted to but not sure that I'm interested in having a relationship with.  I end up getting some very bad advice from a friend who tells me that this girl doesn't want a serious relationship, she's totally looking for a friends with benefits situation.  Because that's what I want to hear, I totally believe it, even though no two people in the history of the world have ever only wanted a friends with benefits situation at the same time.  We end up going on a few dates and having a few heavy petting sessions, but it becomes clear to me that we don't want the same things out of this relationship.  So I try to break it off, but again, hormones get the better of me and I end up saying "so I think we should just stay friends, but I'm totally OK with still hooking up every now and then."  THEN I TRIED TO KISS HER. 

My point is, GUYS SAY DUMB STUFF AROUND PRETTY WOMEN.  It's not intentional.   We're not doing it out of malice.  Girls make it hard for us to think straight, not that we do a whole lot of thinking in the first place.  So I'm betting that Sean (a rumored virgin) is really enjoying his alone time with AshLee, an attractive and super intense woman.  She starts saying things, he starts saying things, and before he knows it, he's said something like "let's not talk about the other women, they're not important to me right now" or something along those lines.  That's what he SAID.  What AshLee heard was "Those other girls have never meant anything to me ever and I'm going to propose to you next week."  What Sean probably meant was "keep doing that thing with your tongue and stop talking about other girls." 

It's OK Sean, we've all been there before.