Trains are like Snowflakes: No Two are Alike

Last year, we decided to save ourselves a couple thousand dollars and take a train to Wisconsin for Christmas. You can read about it here. It went well enough that we decided to give it another go this year.

First off, being the train veterans we are now, we prepared a little better.  We knew there was no wifi, that the train would be a freaking sauna, and that our cooler wasn't going to keep our food cold enough to have pre-made turkey sandwiches.  So we consolidated a little bit, opted to keep some bread in a tupperware with peanut butter and jelly to make sandwiches en route, and Rachel came up with the brilliant idea to freeze water bottles the night before the trip to add a little extra ice to our cooler without sacrificing food/beverage space in the cooler.  We were all over this trip.

Things were a little different this time around.  We snagged front row seats knowing it would allow us slightly more leg room at the expense of having a tray on the back of the seat in front of us to use.  Turned out to be a non issue, as we could take our food down to the observation car to eat.  Speaking of which, last year, the observation deck was packed at pretty much all times of day. Our first morning on the train, we made our way down there around 9 AM, and there was one other person down there, watching the stop motion Rudolph on his laptop.  Maybe it's because all of the people on the train had been there before or something, because I didn't find the observation car to be quite as exciting either. Sort of like going to the Grand Canyon: the first time you see it, it's incredible.  After twenty minutes, unless you're riding a donkey or taking an airplane tour through the canyon, it becomes kinda "yep, still looks the same."

Also, last year on the train, our train conductors were awesome.  They cracked jokes, vaccuumed the aisles, cleaned the bathrooms, and were extremely friendly.  This year: not so much. We had no vaccuuming, definitely no bathroom cleaning, and the conductor for our car was a major stickler for the rules, at one point disapprovingly looking at a girl with sock/slipper hybrids on trying to head down to the observation car to play Settlers of Cataan with her boyfriend and saying "I know you don't think you're walking out of this car without shoes on." She was a peach.

Also new this year were the delays.  We were delayed last year as well, not getting out of Portland for four and a half hours due to engine trouble.  This year, it was the weather that was an issue.  About the time we hit the Rocky Mountains, we encountered this:

Beautiful, right? However, notice that we aren't moving? The snow was so thick, that freight train crews were having trouble making it to certain stations to report for work, so we had to pick them up and then back down the tracks about 20 minutes to drop them off at work.

Once we got over the Rockies, we had a new problem to deal with: wind.

 It got so bad at one point, we had to sit on the tracks stationary for 45 minutes while the wind subsided.  They weren't allowing trains to cross a trestle up ahead of us for fear of the crosswinds.  Yikes. Being stopped when you're in Glacier National Park and it's snowing heavily isn't all the bad.  Being stopped in Eastern Montana, where it looks like a post apocalyptic movie set, isnt quite as cool though:

All told, we ended up being about 4.5 hours late into Wisconsin Dells, which, over the course of a 42 hour trip, isn't all that terrible I suppose. Shortly before our stop, the conductor announced that they apologized for all the delays (making sure to point out that it wasn't Amtrak's fault that the freight trains were clogging the tracks and the weather was also a factor), and offering us all a free meal in the dining car.  I thought this was cool....we could just snag a voucher, and use it on our return trip, as we weren't going to have enough time before disembarking to eat this time.  That's when we found out that the free meal was a "beef stew" and that if you wanted your free meal, you needed to be in the dining car when your train car was called. No vouchers, no "you've been on this train for two days, you probably deserve a little more than the person who just got on ten minutes ago in Minot," nothin.  You take your beef stew and you be grateful for it!

We passed, and opted to head to Culvers immediately after leaving the station. True to form, I forgot to order cheese curds again. Fortunately there will be other Culvers trips this week....I'll make sure of that.

More fun with Olympics

I touched on this a little bit, but a lot of people are making a big deal out of Gabby Douglas not smiling and having her hand on her heart during the national anthem.

Oh wow...she looks pretty unhappy......sort of like she did in 2012!  Remember all the backlash about Gabby Douglas' deplorable demeanor in London?  Me neither:

Holy crap!  I thought McKayla Maroney was the one with the mean and disinterested face all the time?  Yes, I understand that her hand isn't on her heart. I never knew that was a requirement during the national anthem.  Have you ever been to a sporting event?  They NEVER ask the crowd to place their hands on their hearts. They DO ask everyone to please stand and remove their hats.  If she was posted up in a chair wearing a beret...ok you've got something.

Oh, but one more thing about the dangers of basing your opinion of someone on a short video clip or still picture.....here's another picture of Gabby Douglas from 2012 on the same podium, presumably taken moments before or after the above shot:

ERMAHGERD SHE'S GOT THE BIGGEST SMILE OF ALL OF THEM!!!!!!!!

Leave my Olympics Alone!

The first time I remember watching the Olympics live 1988.  I remember watching the Seoul games with my parents and marveling at the exploits of Janet Evans, Ben Johnson vs. Carl Lewis, FloJo and Greg Louganis. Even before that though, I remember watching a documentary about the 1984 Olympics called 16 Days of Glory. This movie taught me about the Olympics.  Because it focused entirely on what happened on the track, in the pool, or in the gyms, that's really what the Olympics has always been about to me.  It's not about racism, or shady business deals to obtain the right to host the games, or political gamesmanship.

Maybe that's why I've been so grouchy about the coverage of these Olympics.  Of course, now know that this sort of thing has been happening since at least 1936, when Nazi Germany was able to essentially bribe Avery Brundage to ensure the USA would compete in Munich. I know that John Carlos and Tommie Smith took a stand for African Americans  in Mexico City in 1968. I know that 11 Israeli athletes were killed at in 1972.  So yes, I know that my view of the Olympics is terribly naive and romantic.  But I learned about this stuff when I was 8.  It's sort of how you think of movies like The Land Before Time that you saw as a child are absolutely incredible, but when you show them to your kids decades later, you realize it's super boring and that Cera the Three Horn might be the most annoying character to ever grace the screen (seriously...she insulted Littlefoot's recently dead mother!)

Anyways, back to the Olympics.  There have been a multitude of "controversies" that have really detracted from the Games themselves.  I'll try to break down some of them here:

Controversy: THIS IS GOING TO BE THE WORST OLYMPICS EVER!
This one isn't unique to Rio....I remember this happening before Sochi in 2014 (pictures of half finished hotels peppered social media in the weeks leading up to the games) and Vancouver in 2010 (OMG THERE'S NO SNOW!).  Here are some of the headlines this time around!
 Before the Olympics:
Olympic Velodrome Builder's Contract Cancelled by Rio City Government 
Athlete's Village "Unliveable" 
Poop Olympics: Rio Water Sports Venues are Teeming with Fecal Viruses 

That all sounds terrible! How are we ever going to be able to host an Olympic Games? Let's find out!

During/After the Olympics:
Thumbs Up for Rio Velodrome
Sailing: Athletes fed up with Rio Water Quality Complaints 
And I'll let Olympian Amber Campbell let you know what she thinks of the accommodations:


Weird right? Aside from the weird pool turning green thing (which, ironically, is because there weren't ENOUGH chemicals in the water), I haven't really heard anything negative about the venues, living conditions, or anything else since the games started.

Controversy: SEXISM
This one is actually warranted, but maybe not to the extent it's been made out to be.  Trap shooter Corey Codgell-Unrein was referred to as "the wife of Chicago Bears player Mitch Unrein." People freaked the hell out.  You could say that she was defined by her husband. What's not mentioned is that this headline was in a Chicago newspaper, where the Chicago Bears probably get a bazillion more page views and reads than a story about Olympic Trap Shooting.  To me, it's no different than the endless stories and headlines about former OSU basketball coach Craig Robinson that started "Brother of First Lady Michelle Obama" or "President's Brother-in-Law...." I guess my point would be that the article probably wouldn't have even been published in the Chicago Tribune without her connection to the Chicago Bears, so was it a little sexist? Yeah.  Did she get more exposure for her talent and her sport because of that subtle sexism? Probably.

This initial example of sexism prompted people to start looking for examples of sexism.  When an announcer credited Hungarian swimming badass Katinka Hosszu's husband as "the man responsible" for her success....the pitchforks came out again. But....he was also her coach! Aren't coaches usually credited with bringing out the best in their teams/players? Was it a poorly worded way to say it? Sure. But here's a quote from Hosszu herself from an article in the New York Times right before the Olympics:

Hosszu described him as impatient and said that when he made refinements in her strokes, especially her backstroke, “he expects me to get it perfect right away.”

She added, “That’s why I’ve improved so much.”

 Ironically, one of the statements I though was the most sexist was generally applauded by the same people so intent on ferreting out misogynist behavior at the Olympics.  As Katie Ledecky was laying waste to the field in the 800m Freestyle, Rowdy Gaines said "people say she swims like a man - I say she swims like Katie Ledecky!" I had literally never heard anyone say that she swam like a man until he mentioned it.  Turns out, the people saying that were other swimmers and coaches.  Evidently, the galloping kick she was using is common among men, but not so much amongst women.  Bringing up this technical swimming stroke that almost nobody watching would have picked up on it, until he brought it up without really explaining it all that well.

Controversy: Ellen Degeneres Gets a Piggyback from Usain Bolt

This is how I’m running errands from now on. #Rio2016 pic.twitter.com/gYPtG9T1ao

— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) August 15, 2016

Is this racist? I guess that depends on who you are and what you're looking for.  If you believe that most white people are inherently racist, then you see a white woman using a black man as a vehicle or tool rather than as a human being.  If you're less sensitive to these things, you probably say "ha! He's fast! That's funny!"  If this offends you, I get it.  You are entirely entitled to that opinion. But she didn't say "I wish I could make that guy run my errands for me like they did in the South before Abe Lincoln screwed everything up." That's offensive to everyone. There's a big difference.

With things like this, I think it's important to factor in intent.  Do I think that Ellen, a lesbian and one of the most popular people in this country, was intentionally trying to belittle a man who belongs to another group of people who have been historically marginalized by our society? Absolutely not. Very clearly, the joke is about his speed, not his skin color.

Controversy: Ryan Lochte
This one's a real headscratcher for me.  Apparently some people think that Ryan Lochte is benefitting from white privilege in this whole "robbery" fiasco. I have no idea how this is the case. These are the facts as I understand them, and please correct me if I get any of this wrong:

Ryan Lochte and his posse go to a party and get super drunk
On the way home they stop at a gas station to pee
They are too drunk to operate the door to the bathroom, so they break it, along with some other stuff
Security is not happy with this, so they try to hold them for the cops to sort this out
The drunk Americans don't want to wait for the cops, so they try to leave
Security pulls guns on them to get them to stay
Someone offers to translate, at which point the swimmers offer to pay for the damages (reports are that they offered about $50.  I have no idea how much it costs to fix a door in Brazil.)
Cooler heads prevail, nobody is shot, and the swimmers leave
Back at the Olympic Village, Ryan Lochte tells people he was robbed, including his mom.
Reporters talk to his mom, and then report that he was robbed.
Lochte corroborates this story himself in a televised interview
The cops hear about this, want to figure out what happened
Ryan tells the cops he was robbed
Evidence proves that he was not robbed
Cops try to detain Lochte, but he's already on a plane home
EVERYONE ALIVE AGREES RYAN LOCHTE IS AN IDIOT

Where exactly in this string of events did Ryan Lochte benefit from his whiteness? Where did he benefit from his status as an Olympian? Where did he say his "robbers" were black or hispanic?

I have no evidence of this, but to me, it's plausible that a drunk dude who doesn't speak Portuguese wouldn't think the breaking of a door a few minutes ago was related to the man angrily pointing a gun at him and asking for money. He might've thought he was being robbed. He was wrong, and he's an idiot, but maybe he believed he was being robbed. Or, maybe he needed an excuse for why he was getting back to the Olympic village after 6 in the morning, so he decided to say he was robbed, because he's drunk and not that smart to begin with.

I think it's important to note that he didn't contact the police to say he was robbed.  The police contacted him after he told other people he was robbed.

As for the assertion that this has any correlation to the people criticizing Gabby Douglas, that's just insane.  The only people going after Gabby Douglas are ignorant dummies on social media. If you can find one example of a legitimate publication or anyone other than a private citizen popping off on Twitter calling her "unpatriotic," please show it to me. I've also seen tweets like this:

Y'all been DRAGGING Gabby Douglas for her hair & the pledge of allegiance. This man vandalized a business & it's crickets? K. #LochteGate

— Miss Carter (@KimmyBimmyWimmy) August 18, 2016

Except....Ryan Lochte was also criticized for his hair, even before he went HAM on a bathroom door:

What's going on with Ryan Lochte's hair? https://t.co/RUkvOtv9JG pic.twitter.com/rv8Vw6Ysrg

— Deadspin (@Deadspin) August 10, 2016

Also, if you can explain to me how the deafening crush of media coverage of #LochteGate is "crickets," I'd love to hear it.

I also read an article where someone alleged that if Usain Bolt had claimed he was robbed, nobody would've believed him and his story would've been doubted from the second he uttered the words "I was robbed."

This is a 100% false statement.  I've yet to meet a single person that doesn't absolutely love Usain Bolt and think he is one of the coolest people on the planet.  I wouldn't believe that he lied about anything until it was proven that he was full of crap....just like Ryan Lochte.

Controversy: Media Ignores 2nd Amendment Advocate's Olympic Feat


Lest you think it's just liberals claiming media bias, get a load of this crap.

You want to know why you've never heard of Kim Rhode? It's because she's a freaking skeet shooter.  If you know the names of any of the athletes who won medals in the following sports that don't involve guns, please come collect your title as biggest Olympics fan in the US (relatives and/or friends of Olympians are not eligible for this prize):
Fencing
Equestrian
Boxing
Sailing
Archery

Anyone? No? I'm guessing that's probably because they compete in a sport that is not shown during primetime television and never shown on TV in the four years between the Olympics....just like skeet shooting.  This is a classic example of people taking a cause that is near and dear to their hearts (in this case, the 2nd Amendment) and projecting it as being as vitally important to everyone everywhere as it is to them.

I'm not arguing that sexism, racism, gun-ism, or any other ism doesn't exist. They very clearly and very obviously do.  But not every statement is loaded with these isms. For example, saying that "it's incredible that Kerry Jennings Walsh can be a mom and be competing this well!" is not very different from saying "Kerry Jennings Walsh is performing incredibly well for someone who had their third child a few months ago!" The first statement may have been made with the intent to convey the information in the second statement, only it was poorly worded. It's a poor choice of words, but it's no reason to brand the announcer as a sexist meathead who thinks that women cease to be athletes once they pop out a few kids.

I've now been writing this for three hours, which was definitely not my intention when I started.  I didn't even get into Hope Solo or Yulia Efimova and the countless time and energy spent on things that had almost nothing to do with their performance on the field or in the pool. I'm just frustrated that Gabby Douglas not putting her hand on her heart has got as much attention as Simone Biles' four gold medals.  I'm annoyed that Ryan Lochte will be the swimmer people think of first when they think of the 2016 Olympics instead of Michael Phelps, Simone Manuel, Katie Ledecky, or Katinka Hosszu.  I'm frustrated by the climate in society today where everyone views every comment as a personal attack on their beliefs or their identity, when that really isn't always the case. I'm frustrated that a very biased or slanted meme becomes "proof" that someone is out to get you. I'm especially frustrated that if people have a disagreement on one specific issue, it seems to mean that they can no longer remember the one hundred other things that they agree on and let it ruin their relationship.

But mostly, I'm frustrated that I can't watch the Olympics with the same wide eyed wonder I did as an 8 year old kid anymore.  That was two and a half straight weeks of pure joy for me.  Now it's brief moments of joy interrupted by countless hours of complaining and argument.

Bachelorette Season 12 Finale: A bad day for Aaron Rodgers

This is always my least favorite episode to write about, because there's no real drama.  No guys are mad with each each other, The goofy dates are over with, and any drama is really contrived.  This year, however, the real drama was on After the Final Rose.  We'll get to that.

First, the episode.  I love the "live" audience.  Chad's here! Ben and Lauren are here! The Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders are here?  Some girl wearing a cheesehead is here, because we're going to milk this Aaron Rodgers thing for all its worth!

Robby meets the family.  They love him.  He loves JoJo.  JoJo loves him. Everything is great!

Jordan meets the family.  He has goofy hats! He loves JoJo, he doesn't ask to marry JoJo.  DRAMA.

JoJo then has this conversation with her family:
"We think Jordan is great, but Robby is really the better husband for you."
"So you think I should pick Robby?"
"NOOOOOOOOOOO.  We didn't say that!"

Whatever.  She has a date with Robby and it's whatever.  She has a date with Jordan and it's also very boring, except for the conversation where she says "you didn't ask my dad for his blessing!  That's important to me!" and Jordan says "well it's important to me too, and that's why I didn't want to do it not knowing if you love me more than Robby and if it's just all for show." JoJo's mature response is basically "Yeah, but it was important to me, so you should've done it regardless of how uncomfortable you may have felt.  This is about ME right now."

Ugh.

The guys then meet up with Neil Lane.  I love this part, where Neil Lane shows them a rack of rings probably hand picked by JoJo ahead of time, and the guys handle the rings and say stuff like "this one really catches the light" and "I like the clarity of this one."  No ring shopping ever goes like that.  My ring shopping involved me bringing my mom along because I was a nervous wreck that I was going to screw it up somehow, and a lot of "so what do you have in this price range?" questions. Of course, money is no object on this show, which makes it even more hilarious when Chris Harrison invariably asks to see the rock on After the Final Rose, and then congratulates the guy on picking out a beautiful ring.  You know, out of the six insanely expensive rings that he didn't have to pay for that were most likely designed by JoJo herself. Way to go man!

Then the guys write letters to JoJo.  Robby addresses his to "Ms. Fletcher." She's not your teacher, dummy! She's not giving you a job! JoJo cries reading them and says she doesn't like reading everything she ever wanted to hear.  OK then......

Robby's first out of the limo!  Too bad, so sad.  He walks down to the beach, across some magic carpet looking things that I guess make it easier to walk or something, and starts to tell JoJo how much he loves her.  JoJo pumps the brakes before he can get down on one knee, and says "I woke up this morning wanting it to be you."

........

I've never had to cut someone off from proposing to me, but saying to the guy "I'm going to let someone else propose to me today, but this morning I was really hoping that my heart would allow me to allow you to propose" is not the best course of action.  It's one thing to say "look, I love you, I think you're great, I may have even said yes if Jordan wasn't in the picture, but he is, and I have to pursue that.  I hope you'll understand." But to essentially say "I really hoped that I would want to marry you this morning" just sounds brutal. Robby handled it well, but his face took on a different, more intense look than I'd ever seen from him before.  If he'd shaved his head, he'd have looked exactly like Jason Statham in every movie he's ever been in.

Jordan wins, everyone's happy, on to After the Final Rose!

Really the only reason anyone watched is because Chris Harrison made it a point to remind us that "they were going to try to get to the bottom of Jordan's rift with his brother, GREEN BAY PACKERS QUARTERBACK AARON RODGERS, going in and out of every commercial break.  This amounted to one question, to which Jordan replied, "JoJo is a part of my family now, and those discussions will involve her going forward. We've got a lot of stuff to figure out.  We've got furniture to buy!" Harrison tried again, asking JoJo if she'd met Aaron yet, and she said "the situation hasn't changed."

Being famous must suck so hard. I can't imagine if a disagreement with my brother or another family member became national news.  I heard people call into a TV show this morning saying "Just from the way Aaron Rodgers acts on the sidelines, it doesn't surprise me at all that he has issues with his family." Give me a break.  Chris Harrison then says "I kind of hope that this show will grow two relationships...yours with JoJo and also with your brother."

GTFO Chris.  I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Aaron Rodgers is not having a good week. With Brett Favre getting inducted into the Hall of Fame on Saturday, I'm sure he's already enduring a bazillion questions along the lines of "remember when you spent the first three years of your career holding a clipboard behind a legend?  What was that like?  Are you still friends?" Now he's going to have to answer a bunch of questions from entertainment types asking "so, your brother went on a dating show and says you guys aren't speaking because of the way you live your life...care to comment?" I mean, the guy makes more than $20 million a year, is married to a smokin' hot, funny, talented movie star, plays football FOR A JOB, and somehow he's having a worse week than me. Aaron, call me if you want to hang out. I'm hear to listen.

Bachelorette Season 12, Episode 9 - FATALITY

This might be continued tomorrow, because the first half hour of my DVR recording was Bernie Sanders speaking.  This being an important election and all,  I probably should've listened to what he had to say, but because this is 'MERICA, I decided I would rather watch JoJo in her ridiculously tight and shiny blue dress spew a bunch of nonsense.

We pick up where we left off, with JoJo wandering around an airplane hangar in the middle of the night talking to herself and God. If that doesn't scream "terrorist" I don't know what does. Luke has just professed his love for her, and she can't decide if she should send him home or not. In the end, she decides that, yes, she should send Luke home. Luke genuinely looks flummoxed.  I'd guess the exact line in is head was "CHASE? REALLY?"

JoJo then walks Luke out, and decides to tell him that she's never felt as connected to anyone before, and their relationship was growing.  However, as the weeks wore on, she didn't know where he stood.  JoJo is now the worst Bachelorette in history. She just told this dude that she was more into him and had a better relationship - that was getting BETTER - than with any of the other guys, but she had to send him home because he never said I love you? This is the same dude that just a few days ago invited his entire town to meet you, took you on a horseback ride at sunset into the meadow to show you a heart made out of flower petals to tell you that his heart belonged to you? No wonder Luke looks like someone just told him he was adopted.  Luke's question of "you don't want me anymore?" was pretty poignant, as JoJo says "that's not it!" which is going to make whomever she picks feel just AWESOME inside when they see this.

Because this is The Bachelor, we have to jet off to Thailand to finish this mess. I get that there is something very cool about seeing other countries and cultures and how people of the same species can live entirely different lives than we do here, I wouldn't exactly say that Thailand seems all that "romantic." So far it's been lots of concrete, crowded street markets and rain.  If that's what they were going for, they could've headed to Portland and chilled under the Burnside Bridge. SO ROMANTIC.  The only difference would be that instead of tiny Asian woman rubbing your feet, it would be a 22 year old unemployed vegan named Meadow giving them henna tattoos and offering them some herbal supplements to cure cancer and improve their sex life. Robby is so boring unless JoJo is accusing him of lying about his ex. I'd almost rather watch that Kevin Spacey movie where he's a cat than more Robby.

Speaking of accusing Robby of lying, she reminds us of Ben saying he loved her and how she never thought she'd end up heartbroken.  Clearly this is Robby's fault.  Incredibly, JoJo goes right into the whole "how do I know you love me?" line of questioning.  Robby responds by letting JoJo know that his dad is an incredible pickpocket....somehow slipping a note into his son's jeans WHILE HE WAS WEARING THEM without him noticing.  Robby then gives the note to JoJo to keep. I'm trying to remember the last handwritten note I got from my father to tell me how much he cares for me and how much he supports me.  It's never happened, not because my dad isn't awesome or caring or there for me.....my dad all of those things and more.  It's because DAD'S DON'T WRITE HANDWRITTEN NOTES TO THEIR GROWN SONS. This is basically the equivalent of a Honus Wagner baseball card, and Robby just forks it over to the girl  who is still dating two other guys. JoJo gives him a key to her suite, they hump, Robby tells her he loves her a billion times, JoJo refuses to say it because she  enjoys the double standard, and then says she's going to go change. So romantic. 

She then changes by.....taking off her robe? I'm almost positive that what she's wearing as she leaves is exactly what she had on underneath.  Maybe she threw on that plain white tank top, but whatever....it doesn't matter, because herer comes Jordan in a...plain white t-shirt.  JoJo has changed into a half- tank top thing and tiny shorts.....like a Lara Croft cosplayer basically. She says "I look sporty because we're doing something active! By active, she means hiking through a cave to a temple.  JoJo, ever the world scholar, says "temples are sacred here," as opposed to all those temples in other parts of the world that were just kind of shoddily put together with no real plan or care.  They can't kiss at this temple, so they rub their cheeks against each other as JoJo wonders if Jordan has been lying to her the entire time he's known her.

Dinner time, and JoJo breaks out her elegant skin tight white cropped tank top, because she's classy like that. Somewhere Sporty Spice is pissed that JoJo stole all her tops from the Spice World tour. Jordan says that he loves her, and JoJo goes "THAT'S WHAT BEN SAID!" at which point Jordan looks like he wants to punch her. I don't blame him. She says "how do I know that you mean what you say and I won't end up heartbroken." This is the point where I'd say to JoJo "how do I know you won't leave me heartbroken?  How do I know that, hmmmm?" But since that isn't how this show works, instead he reinterates that he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her, and apparently this time she knows it's for real (because he said it again, duh), and we're off to the fantasy suite for a little rub n' tug Thailand-style.

The next morning, JoJo lets us know that she's in love with both Robby AND Jordan, but she's better than Ben because she's not going to tell them. Brilliant.

Date #3 is with Chase, and JoJo is all ready to find out if she can make it three-for-three on the "guys I'm love meter." JoJo says "he's able to make me feel special even though we're sweating all over each other...we're still having a blast." I'm not one to kiss and tell, but some of the best times I've had with members of the opposite sex were when we were sweating all over each other. 

It's getting late, I apologize.  Anyways, we come back from commercial to see Chase sitting on the beach by himself. NOT A GOOD SIGN. Chase then goes into how in love with JoJo he is and he can't wait to tell her he's ready to marry her. EVEN WORSE SIGN! Then we hear a knock on JoJo's door, and it's Robby! THE WORST SIGN! Chase is so boned. ABC wouldn't arrange it so Chase walks in on her talking to Robby, will they? Unfortunately for us (fortunately for Chase), we don't get to see that disaster.

Speaking of disasters, this dinner isn't going great for Chase. He talks about how hard this process has been and how this has been more difficult for him than it has been for Robby or Jordan. He follows this up with a speech about how he wants to be the man who can keep her safe....then immediately ruins it by saying "and I wanna smear that lipstick." Somewhat surprisingly, JoJo offers him the fantasy suite.  I really thought she was going to shut him down at dinner. Nobody really expects him to advance, do they?

Chase then tells JoJo that he's no longer falling in love with her, but he's ready to tell her that he's in love with her and that it's "so hard to say that, but he's ready to carry that burden." JoJo gets the validation she needed to know that all the dudes love her, so now she's done stringing him along.  Four minutes ago, she was kissy kissy at the dinner table, and now she's like "easy tiger, I don't know what you expected to happen in the fantasy suite, but even though I invited you to say in my super expensive hotel room with one bed with an exotic location, you aren't just going to be walk in here and tell me how you're ready to be the man who will make me feel loved and safe for the rest of my life and just hop into that bed with me.  I'm a LADY." She then excuses herself from the room to go walk around the airplane hangar garden and think about how she's going to dump him.

She ends up going with "when you said 'that' to me (as if "I love you" is some sort of racist curse word that should not be uttered again) I don't think I'm in the same place as you." Chase is pissed off.  "I just jumped over a hurdle I'd never jumped over, and now I'm skewered." This is just awesome use of the word skewered. Chase is winning this breakup bigtime.  He follows up this line with "so now 'I love you' equals 'get the f*ck out?' You made me 100% regret saying that to you." Get her Chase! JoJo then says "I'm trying not to blindside you and be honest" and Chase lowers the boom with "you kinda just did that."

Chase for the win! JoJo's tears are flowing as she goes with the "I wanted to love you" and "you were everything I wanted and could have asked for and you did nothing wrong" which I'm sure sounds to Chase like "no matter what I tried, you are unloveable.  You finished a distant third for my heart, and truth be told, I'd have kept Luke if the producers would've let me."

You'll never be able to convince me this isn't true, by the way. Luke got hosed, and I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up as the next Bachelor as an apology.  Get ready for more guns n' horses, y'all!

My DVR cut off there, but I don't think I need to see the end of the episode at this point. An episodes that ends with the first on-screen murdering of The Bachelorette is good enough for me!

Bachelorette Season 12: Episode 8 - H to the O to the M to the E

Hometown time!  Welcome to the episode where we all pretend that everyone loves spending every free moment of every weekend with their families, and that everyone LOVES their in-laws.  We got a brief glimpse of this fantasy last week when the guys all told JoJo she was going to love their family, and Alex even threw in that he was looking forward to having a beer and watching football with JoJo's brothers.....because ever girl wants a husband who is going to drink beer and watch football with her brothers. Small wonder he went home...and you saw how those guys acted last season.  Who would want to hang out and watch a game with those judgy bastards? 

On to our first hometown...Highlands Ranch, Colorado, home of Chase....the guy who is definitely going home tonight unless something (dare I say?) dramatic happens. 

Chase starts out that he's nervous because his parents got divorced....when he was eight! Two decades ago, his parents got divorced, and we're supposed to believe this has any bearing on JoJo's decision? I remember the first time I talked to Rachel about this...she asked about my parents, and I said "they got divorced when I was ten." She said "alright," and I knew this was the girl I was going to marry because she was cool with it.  Give me a mother-f'ing break, ABC. We get some more Chase backstory...there were lawsuits.  I took this to mean one parent had a lot of money and the other had less, and the parent with more either tried to keep all their money, or the parent with less tried to take all the money. Chase then tells us that he's going to have her meet his dad separately, to which JoJo says "oh so when you do family stuff, you do it separately?" Isn't this the default scenario for divorced families?

JoJo's excited to meet Chase's dad, but I'm distracted by the staircase.  What is going on with that thing? It seems like it's unfinished and frankly dangerous. Not a good place to raise children, JoJo! Chase's dad then takes most of the blame for his divorce, saying he climbed the corporate ladder (so he's the one with the money) and that he's been better in his second marriage, which apparently includes quite a few step-children. Chase isn't interested in having JoJo meet her or his step-siblings.  Maybe Chase really is still trying to come to grips with his parents not being together.  I mean, I know I had trouble adjusting when my mom remarried and all of a sudden there were two more kids in the house.  I wasn't the greatest brother to them...but then again I was 14.  Grow the hell up, Chase.

Chase's relationship with his mom is way better than with his dad. He seems way more relaxed and at ease with them. Mama Chase says kids who went through a divorce can be hesitant to get married and again I'm a little surprised.  Also, why do they have an old abandoned chairlift chair in their backyard?  Is this a common thing in Colorado?

Chase has a conversation with his sister, and I'm starting to get the impression that this divorce was actually a doozy. His sister says something about how hurt they've been by people who were supposed to love them unconditionally, and holy crap what did Papa chase do? WHAT DID YOU DO, STEVE?

Anyways, the date's over, and Chase whispers "I'm falling in love with you, JoJo."

Key takeaway: Chase's dad cautioned him not to make the same mistakes he made, and that his actions can have effects on the lives of others.  Basically what I heard out of that is "I've had to answer a ton of questions about you doing this stupid reality show, please don't marry this girl so I have to answer even more questions during Dancing with the Stars." I know I said that people don't aren't that concerned about the marital status of their significant other's parents, but holy crap this seems like a much bigger issue in this family than it should be.  JoJo was probably going to send him home anyways, but this just seems like the clincher to me.  Stop the fight, end the episode, we have our loser.

Up next is the "let's talk about the guy we don't like talking about" Rodgers family. My theory is that they couldn't get the show to work with Aaron's schedule, so they had to invent this huge conflict to factor him in the show to keep the state of Wisconsin watching the show. Jordan takes her to his high school, which ironically is nicknamed the Vikings, and even has the Minnesota Vikings logo! Oh, the irony. Also weird is that Jordan took JoJo to meet his teachers from high school. This was NEVER a thought of mine. I love that the school still has pictures of the Rodgers brothers displayed all over the place.  JoJo points out a picture of Aaron, and Jordan is like "alright let's move on." According to JoJo, it's only been in the past couple years that Aaron has been estranged from the family.  This leads credence to the "Olivia Munn is a family destroyer" theory.  A coworker, who is much more perceptive than me, brought up the question that if they have problems with Olivia's lifestyle and the drama in her life, they probably aren't thrilled with Jordan dating a girl who has essentially broadcast her love life to the world for the last two years. If that's not the case, then maybe Olivia Munn is a huge bitch, but did you ever watch "The Newsroom?" She seems awesome!

Jordan apparently used to bluff that he was going to run away all the time as a kid. In other words, he was practicing being dramatic for a reality show from a very early age. This whole Aaron thing is getting a little weird, frankly. The show is going out of its way to explain that they all want Aaron to be a part of the family, but he's choosing not to. Luke goes to bat for Jordan, saying "he's had nothing given to him." Except, you know, that scholarship to Vanderbilt.

I love that JoJo tells Papa Rodgers that the other guys think Jordan's where he is because of Aaron.  Who says that? Why would you say that? JoJo then goes on to say "Jordan is nobody's brother." I get what she's saying, but my goodness, the amount of time they spent bringing up Aaron on these last two episodes, it's pretty apparent that he is the brother of Aaron Rodgers. Jordan says he loves her, JoJo says "that sounds great, but what if it changes?" Who says that? What the hell is Jordan supposed to say? If I was Jordan, I'd be pissed. He seems pissed. 

Key takeaway: Call your mom, Aaron.

Robby's up next. He has JoJo whistle for a horse.  "Awww, the horse is so pretty!" JoJo gushes.  Oh my bad, that was Robby. I guess now that James Taylor is gone, Robby is going for the gay best friend angle. He even has a bit of a George Michael thing going on with the stubble and the pink unbuttoned shirt.  Oh my bad, the bottom button is buttoned.  Is this a thing?  I know nothing about fashion, but let's call that a metaphor for Robby not being able to fully commit to anything.

JoJo continues her tour of doubting the guys, not taking Robby at his word that he's over his ex-girlfriend. Robby says he wouldn't tell her he loved her if he didn't mean it. JoJo says that him telling her he loved her made her feel so much closer to him. Ok then. Robby says "her meeting my family will be a dream come true." and we're sent to commercial with him saying "I don't see how anything could go wrong." ABC, just fucking stop it. You've already got us, you don't need to do this crappy foreshadowing any more.  I'd bet money that when the guys do their intro videos at the beginning of the season, the producers say "OK that's great.  Now just say "I don't see how anything can go wrong," so we can use it in case anything goes wrong, and we're done!"

Robby and JoJo walk up to the house armed with flowers and a bunch of goody bags. Is this a thing that normal people do? When you meet someone's family for the first time, are you supposed to bring everyone bribes? Don't most parents and families see this as a buy-off? I don't get it. Robby's family seems pretty friendly, which is disappointing. I was hoping for some more drama.

JoJo's now asking Robby's mom about the ex.  Robby's mom does him no favors by saying "there's always a chance you can get hurt." Yikes.  Then Robby's mom pulls him aside, and they put their weird cups that look like colored wine glasses inside pint glasses down long enough for Robby to have gossip time with his mom.  APPARENTLY, Robby's girlfriend's roommate Alex has been crafting an elaborate smear campaign against Robby online and in-person (to whom? Is she hosting town hall forums to talk about her roommates ex boyfriend?) Robby needs to tell JoJo about this, and he tells her what's going on. JoJo asks Robby what benefit the roommate would get out of this, and I just threw my remote at the television.  YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT HER ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.  YOU SAID HER NAME! THERE ARE WOMEN ALL OVER THE COUNTRY HEADING TO TWITTER AND INSTAGRAM TO TRY AND FIND OUT WHO ALEX THE EXES ROOMMATE IS!"

Again, Robby tells JoJo there's no truth to any of it. JoJo again doesn't believe him. Robby again tells her it's over between him and Hope. Robby says Hope slapped him and he hasn't spoken to her since then. JoJo then says that she wants to know what happens if a year from now they're still dealing with this.  What the hell? How is this fair to Robby? "So, if your ex girlfriend is still commanding her friends to defame you online twelve months from now, you realize that I'm going to dump you because you used to date a psycho?" Bad break for Robby. JoJo says again that Robby has been the most open and honest with her, AND YET SHE QUESTIONS HIM MORE THAN ANY OTHER DUDE.

Key takeaway: You're responsible for the actions of everyone you've ever come in contact with.

We still have one more of these disasters to go, and it's time to head to Texas for more horses n' guns and flannel. Luke brings 50 people to meet JoJo.  JoJo wearing cutoff shorts and boots makes Luke's heart smile. Luke's dad and him have a fairly touching and (dare I say?) real conversation that makes me want to call my dad. We get our first dad who tries to say "we're not really cool with you making a decision because a TV show is telling you to do it," but of course he follows it up with "but we trust your decision." Dad then gets choked up talking about how glad they are that he came home from serving our country, and I can't even say anything snarky, because having a son or daughter overseas in a combat situation is about the most terrifying thing I can think of as a parent, and I'd feel the same way.  Luke was my least favorite guy all season, and somehow his family is the best.

The date ends with a horseback ride into the fields to talk about how hot JoJo looked...because that's about all Luke ever seems to say. Luke says his heart gets more involved every time he sees JoJo, which is clunky, but effective. Rather than stopping there though, he continues to ramble, saying 500 words when 15 will do. They then make out by a heart made of flower petals.  JoJo really looks like she wants to tell him she loves him, but doesn't.  I half expected her to jump back out of the car and run back to him and make out with him while saying how much she loves him, but she doesn't.

Key Takeaway: I don't know if he'll win, but Luke is safe tonight. Country life is very intoxicating, and JoJo got a big ol' whiff of it.

Tonight's rose ceremony comes to us from an airport hangar....because....well I have no idea why. JoJo's crying and now she's saying goodbye to Luke?  WTF? Why would they tell us this before the rose ceremony? Unless......

There it is! Luke tells her he loves her, and we're treated to JoJo wandering aimlessly around a jetway talking to nobody in particular and crying about how "everything's changed now!"

So with that, we have to wait until next week when she probably sends Luke home anyways.  I'm a horrible judge of who people are going to pick on this show, but technically, I was right.  Luke is safe tonight.

Bachelorette Season 12, Episode Seven: Where were we?

Between my vacation to America's Dairyland and the 4th of July break, It's been almost three weeks since I watched an episode of this show.  Is Chad still gone?  This show sucks then.  Let's move on.

We start with Luke really having trouble comprehending how both James and Alex are there.  "She had no roses, then Chris brings two roses, and then both of you are still here? I was like "whoa!" Just crazy.  Stay with us Luke.

Harrison lays out the ground rules for the episode:  Three one-on-ones, each without a rose. Then a three on one, where there may or may not be a rose or something.  I kinda spaced out to be honest, because if it's anyone other than James, Alex, or Chase going home at the end of the night, I'd be shocked.

Alex gets the first one-on-one, and they're driving out to the countryside.  The guys are in a pretty cool bus, but they all think it's super lame.  You're super lame if you don't like the hippie Argentinian bus.  As Alex has a tough time on his drive with JoJo, including trying to Pringles duck kiss her. She literally pulls the chips out of her mouth and gives him the equivalent of a fist bump.  With Pringles.  Back on the fun bus, the guys have made up a rap about how short Alex is that includes needing a stool to get into the side car of a motorcycle.  And they didn't want to ride the bus.  Best moment of the entire season right there.  This is a good segue into the worst moment of the season....Alex rapping.  "Yo yo Jo-Jo...ya gots to go to tha liquor sto'." He then follows this up with "you see what I did there?"  What did you do here Alex?  Did you rhyme?  Did you not think that JoJo would pick up on you rhyming her name with go and sto'? Or did you think she didn't notice the liquor part?  I'm so confused.  Alex sucks.  They get to an Argentinian ranch and Alex says "I like those trees that are droopy.  Droopy trees." Such a wordsmith this dude is.

He also wears his gaucho attire, which I think is a bit overdone.  He looks more like Napoleon in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. 

They mount horses poorly.  It's so poor, in fact that there's some really weird editing involving quick cuts to Alex like he's touching JoJo's butt and/or helping her onto the horse even though he's nowhere near her.  This was all very disorienting. Also disorienting is Alex's next sentence. "I'm up here on this horse, next to JoJo, and that's where I am right now."

But then things get so bizarre, I've got tears in my eyes.  Like I was just about to write about how being a gaucho looks pretty easy:  You ride around on a horse holding hands with a beautiful woman while sheep and small dogs run around you like children at the beach or something.  But no...there's more.

Apparently you have to act out the kama sutra with a horse.

They stand around watching a gaucho hypnotize a horse into doing couples hot yoga with him.  JoJo makes it so much worse by talking about how spiritual it was to watch this man stroke this horse and slowly the horse submits to him and what the hell is going on.  Now they're cuddling on a horse, like Alan Grant with the Triceratops in Jurassic Park.

 

 

 

Anyone willing to bet that horse was more doped up than the animatronic Triceratops that ate 70 million year old berries?  Alex concludes this abortion of a date by whispering "I'm your goochoo" in her ear.  Even if he'd got the pronunciation correct, it's still an incredibly lame thing to say.

Dinner comes, and Alex gets less petting than the dog that wanders up out of nowhere. Alex tells JoJo he's falling in love with her, and we get some awkward cuts of JoJo giving him a stone-faced gaze. Undeterred, Alex continues to talk about how much he needs her to know what he's feeling, and then she tells him, she's not nearly as excited as she should be to hear him say those words, and that she needs to send him home....because she owes it to him to not make him go through the whole week after having what he thinks is the "best day of his life." Did he ever actually say that?  The best day of his life was dressing up like a bullfighter/french painter and then having a threesome with  a horse?  She believed him when he said that was his "best day ever?" C'mon girl. 

She then cries because he's mad that she dumped him right after he told her he's in love with her.  If she wanted to dump a guy that would make her feel good about it, she should've dumped James.

Jordan gets the next one-on-one date. Jordan shows up in a t-shirt, khaki shorts and Chuck Taylors, which is what I wore to mow my lawn today.  Way to make a great impression, Rodgers.  Should've discount double checked that outfit.

It's time to stomp some grapes at the winery.  The outfit makes a little more sense now.  As the two of them switch into swimwear to make out in a hot tub, we're treated to Luke and Chase whining about how JoJo only likes Jordan because his brother is really good at football.  As they try to draw parallels between Jordan getting in fights with them and fights he might get in with JoJo in the future, a couple of kittens wrassle in the grass.  That's the perfect analogy for what's happening right now: A couple of pussies trying to act tough. 

Finally, we get to the part where Jordan talks about his brother......Luke. Apparently Jordan and Aaron don't talk apparently.  Jordan makes some comment about how it's because of "how Aaron's chosen to live his life," but then follows it up with "I can't imagine the pressure he deals with," so I don't really know what to think about this.  There are rumors that Aaron has been estranged from his family for years, but then there was all that drama earlier this season about Olivia Munn liking Jordan's ex's post on instagram....so who knows. It doesn't seem to be bothering JoJo at all...she's still sucking face and looking forward to meeting the brother not named Aaron.

Group date time gets thwarted by the weather, so they just hang out in a hotel room.  James kicks off the festivities by shoving as many french fries as he can in his mouth.  He calls this his "A" game.  What follows is even worse.  They play a version of Head's Up! involving pictures of Bachelor celebrities, pictionary, and then truth or dare, which involves Robby running up and down the hall of the hotel in his boxers knocking on doors of rooms probably occupied by Bachelorette staff.

Did JoJo's childhood go so terribly that she never got to do these things growing up?  Who thinks this looks fun?  They then all cuddle on a bed and watch The Brazilian Bachelor as James keeps saying that Robby is checking out other hot women they come in contact with.  James continues to bring it up, JoJo is all too willing to tease Robby about it, and Chase just sits there like he's in his own personal hell right now.

Robby then has to explain how he's over the girl he dumped, Chase gets to tell JoJo he gets "too excited" everytime he sees her, and James explains why he would make an excellent gay best friend for JoJo.  This then leads to an idiotic conversation about who the guys think are front-runners.  Robby then says he hates the whole "frontrunner" topic, but then bitches that he hates it because nobody thinks he is the frontrunner.  He wants to know why people think Luke and Jordan are safe just because they got one-on-ones.  Nobody brings up the obvious reason of JoJo not sending them home like Alex was.

In the end, Robby gets the hometown date rose, and then JoJo kicks Chase and James out of the room. James then mopes about how he didn't see this coming, and then him and Chase have a discussion about how much they opened up to her, as if they just assume Robby didn't. James then begrudgingly admits that Robby gets every first rose and group date rose, which probably means he is a front-runner. Chase laments that he wished he would've known that the group date rose winner got more time with her after the rose ceremony, as if that somehow would've changed his strategy.  "Oh you mean I get more one-on-one time with her if she picks me?  Well then I'm going to try harder to get this rose."  Who half-asses it through a date that determines if the girl you allegedly love is going to meet your family?

Luke gets essentially the same date Alex did minus the horse sex and gaucho clothes. Luke still strikes me as a bit dumb, but the date was right in his wheelhouse where he could talk about things he has knowledge of: horses and guns.  It'd be like putting me on a date where we discuss cable TV bundling packages and bachelor nation.    GAME OVER.

The rest of the episode rolls out about how you'd expect: Chase is planning on using the cocktail party to make his closing arguments, JoJo cancels the cocktail party, she hands out roses to Luke and Jordan (Robby already had one), and then she sends home James.  Nobody  is surprised. As I thought, James makes her feel really good about dumping him. He lets her cry, he tells her he gave her his all, says girls say he deserves a great girl, then thanks her for allowing him to believe that the "best girl in the world could think so highly of him."  They then cry togethernabout how awesome each other are.....and scene.

Join us next week, when we get to hear more vague reference to the middle Rodgers brother, Robby again has to explain that he dumped a girl and doesn't have feelings for her, and Luke goes full "Texas Forever" in his attempt to win her heart.

Bachelorette Season Twelve, Episode 6: Living in a Post-Chadpocalyptic World

It doesn't happen very often, but every once in a while something comes before Bachelor Nation for me.  Last night, that thing was a Los Angeles Angels baseball game on ESPN.  I generally don't like missing opportunities to watch Mike Trout do things like this.  I haven't even fired up the DVR yet, and I'm already missing Chad.  But thankfully, a new episode of the show means no more Chris Harrison tweeting about soccer.  He's the worst.  Look at some of these tweets!

Ok #BachelorNation let's turn our love and attention to team #USA @ussoccer #Copa #USAvARG I believe!

— Chris Harrison (@chrisbharrison) June 21, 2016

We're starting out alright here......

US winner in pk's after a 1-1 tie RT @kdashtillman: @chrisbharrison @ussoccer what's your prediction Chris?

— Chris Harrison (@chrisbharrison) June 21, 2016

Nice....predicting a win! He believes!

@chrisbharrison @ussoccer Only if we get a drunk #DianaMurphy to hand out the trophy. #USGA

— Tygerttg (@Tygerttg) June 23, 2016

Uh....I get that he's trying to be funny, but he sure sounds like he's backing out on his bold prediction of a U.S. upset pretty quickly.

Buckle up kids it's gonna be a bumpy ride @ussoccer #Messi putting on a clinic!!! World class rip

— Chris Harrison (@chrisbharrison) June 22, 2016

Alright, so maybe he didn't believe so much......

No words #Messi  now we pray for the run rule #USAvARG

— Chris Harrison (@chrisbharrison) June 22, 2016

Jesus dude...we get it.  We're not as good as Argentina.

All @ussoccer players care about now is who gets Messi's jersey after the game

— Chris Harrison (@chrisbharrison) June 22, 2016

OK man, shut the hell up now.  This wasn't the 1992 Dream Team playing Angola in the Tournament of the Americas.  But what's even better was how quickly he turned on Argentina when they struggled against Chile in the finals:

These two great teams are a joke right now. Including Messi RT @MatthewKnese: @chrisbharrison ref a joke

— Chris Harrison (@chrisbharrison) June 27, 2016

A JOKE!

Alright, let's finally get into this episode:

We start with a trip to Argentina, where JoJo tells us that Buenos Aires is the perfect place to fall in love.  Harrison tells us that, for the first time in history, we are going to have a second two-on-one date.  The guys of course freak out.  Redneck Vanilla Ice is all "on the two-on-one, someone goes home immediately after the date," as if nobody has ever seen the show before.  I guess on the off chance that some random person just turned on a show that's been on the air for 20 years for the very first time tonight, that was helpful.  Thanks, Ice.  Someone else quips that two-on-one's are "no mas....not good."  Nope...that's not what no mas means, buddy.  Good try though.

Wells gets our first date, and lets all the other guys know that he hasn't kissed her yet.  All the guys react more or less like people in the crowd at an and-1 tour basketball game when someone gets dunked on. We then get nearly everyone involved in the show telling us that Wells HAS to kiss her immediately to get it out of the way or the pressure will be so immense that the sheer weight of the moment will crush him and he'll never be able to live up to the expectations in JoJo's mind.  Nevermind the fact that Wells hasn't had a one-on-one date yet to really get the chance to get her alone.....I think the only time he did have a chance was when he was possibly suffering from heat stroke after the firefighter date.

Anyways, their date involves wandering the streets of Buenos Aires and not kissing, until they end up at something called Brute Force, which is like basically some 15 year old kids wet dream.  It involves hot women in skimpy clothes soaking wet and writhing around, followed by starring in your own action movie where you get shot, but everyone else dies.  What the hell was that?  You're running on a treadmill, you get fake shot, but then the ladies you pass on the street are the ones that collapse?  Other countries are weird.  I wonder what we do here in America for entertainment that the rest of the world thinks is just crazy.....my vote is for themed running events.  Like you can't run in our race unless you wear a mustache, or are being chased by zombies, or some other strange thing.  I get that a ton of people love to run, but it's like the water of exercise....you should never pay for it.

Anyways, Wells finally gets his kiss when he gets his chance to be a woman in skimpy clothes soaking wet and writhing around with JoJo.  JoJo is so proud of him for kissing her, and it looks like the guys were right.  He missed his window.  Further compounding the problem at dinner, Wells says that his last relationship fizzled and it got to the point that he was more or less living with his best friend.  JoJo says "I think that the person that I marry, that passion will always be there.  Like no matter how long we're together, I'm going to look at him and say "he's still the hottest guy in the world to me."  Jesus, I hope my wife never thought that.  Our ten year anniversary is coming up, so I took a stroll through memory lane looking at pictures of our wedding, and no joke my first reaction (after saying "who the hell are some of these people and why did we invite them to our wedding?") was "damn, I really thought I looked much better on that day than I actually did." Again, this is a good reminder to not base your relationships on the advice of a 24 year old girl on a reality show.  Nonetheless, she's still got pie in the sky hopes for her relationship, and Wells is much more of a realist.  Plus he's kind of a prude.  So he's gone.  And with that, my favorite remaining guy is toast.

Group date time.  The group date involves playing soccer on the streets of Argentina.  James spends the entire time talking about how much better looking the other guys are, and how much of a dork he is and on and on and on and on.  How he's not cool like them....how he doesn't feel like he deserves to be there.....how he can't compare to any of them.  It was really pathetic to listen to actually.  Then, he gets some alone time with JoJo, and lays out that Jordan acted like a dick in a game of poker.  When JoJo presses him for more details, he just kinda says "ya know...he's Jordan Rodgers.  He's on magazines (what magazine is that?), he's the be-all-end-all.' and then mumbles a lot until he says "gosh you're pretty, can I kiss you now?"  If you have to ask, you don't deserve it man.  This lack of confidence thing is killing me.

JoJo wants to get to the bottom of this, so she calls Jordan aside and says "James told me you were acting entitled during a poker game...what's up/"  Jordan's a little taken aback, and frankly so am I.  Have we ever had the Bachelorette or Bachelor straight up roll over on their informant like that?  Also, there's gotta be footage of this poker game, right?  One of the other guys had to be in the room, right?  Where's their commentary on the incident?  Where's the grainy security cam feed?  C'mon ABC!

In the end, Redneck Ice gets the rose.  It really wasn't in doubt....JoJo was pretty much giving him a handy through his jeans during their one-on-one portion.  All the while, Redneck Ice is stream of consciousness talking about moments and being with her makes him happy that he doesn't care if it's only five minutes a week and how its crazy that the two of them found each other on a reality show and I don't even know why he's still talking since she's running her hand up his groin.......She's already accepted your offer dude, stop trying to persuade her!

Finally we get our two-on-one between Chase and Derek.  Chase and Derek both suck, so this is a toss up.  Chase is just kind of that guy that never really does anything to distinguish himself, and Derek is that guy who thinks the other guys are too macho and he's the sensitive one that understands her better than any other guy ever could, and just has an insanely inflated view of himself, but thinks it's OK because he masks it in a quiet, calm demeanor.

They go to a tango dancing lesson, and really all I want in my life is that dance instructor say "yes!" over my shoulder all day while I do daily activities.  With her accent, it sounds like "jess....jess!" and she sounds so goddamned sincere in her praise for their bad dancing, it's no wonder Derek thinks he's nailing it.  I swear to God if she followed me around while I mowed the lawn, my grass would be immaculate all the time.  "jess Andeee, zat is muy bueno!"

In the end, JoJo has only one rose to give, and she gives it to Chase, which was the right decision, because he wouldn't have cried in the van like that ninny Derek!  As some Madonna wannabe sings "Don't Cry for Me Argentina," Derek says stupid things like "Obviously Chase is more her type, and that's why he got the rose," and "that's not me...I'm just Derek, and Derek is imperfect" as tears run down his cheek and he scolds himself for crying.  I'll bet when he walked into his office this morning, everyone who watched the show just bit their lip and muttered "Don't cry" to him as he passes their desk.  What a moron.

Finally we get to the cocktail party, where Jordan tells JoJo his intent is to propose to her at the end of the season, which of course she eats up.  James knows he's in trouble now....and launches into another round of "I'm not worthy" comments.  Take your crappy arm tattoo and your guitar and go, James.

JoJo gives roses to Jordan, and Robby, who join Redneck Ice and Chase as safe....leaving Alex, who really didn't get a chance to go full arrogant short man now that Chad is gone, and James "I'm not Worthy" Taylor.  JoJo has a fake panic attack and demands another rose.  She claims it's because she's too conflicted to send one home, but in reality this had to happen because we have another show to fill before hometowns and Well's one-on-one departure created a one dude shortage that the producers must've not anticipated.  I mean, they even made JoJo go to a concert by herself that she was supposed to hit up with Wells.  At least I finally got an answer to my question about if the elaborate nightcap to dates get used even if the guy doesn't get  rose.

Oh, and I still miss Chad

Bachelorette Season 12, Episode 5: Alex is the New Chad

Two weeks removed from Chad whistling in the woods like Omar through the streets of Baltimore, we're finally back, and the guys are having a funeral for The Chad.  They chuck his protein powder off the deck and basically celebrate the fact he's gone....except he's not.  Hilarity ensues as Evan, who looks like he has flecks of protein powder all over his shirt, says "I hope he's not here for his protein powder."  Jordan says "now would be a great time for you to be genuinely sorry and make those of us moving on feel better."  Jordan can't help himself.  He should just walk away but instead he keeps rubbing it in Chad's face that Chad's going home and he's staying.  Wimpy Evan, who would cross the street if he ever saw Chad coming down the sidewalk towards him, feels like a real tough guy when he's surrounded by the other guys dating the girl he wants, and says "you got your wallet? 'Cause you owe me a shirt."  Evan, you owe me an apology for taking up screen time.

Chad finally leaves (more like a lamb than a lion), and the guys have some sort of rave/cupcake party to celebrate.  This is weird.

At the cocktail party, JoJo cautions the guys that Chad's departure should let them know that she's serious about this process.  Chase and JoJo bounce around in some balls, Robby feels like he's miles ahead of the other guys, which is weird, because America just logged on to abc.com to remember who he was.  He gets a kiss though, and all the other guys see it.  Hilariously, they just kind of sit there and sip their drinks and stare, avoiding eye contact with each other......almost like they're at a seedy strip club.

Some guy I don't recognize (James F.)  wants to read JoJo a poem:

Her heart is like a treasure, her dream's not far away.  And whenever she decides to had someone the key, that man should let her know and daily help her see the wonder that is her, the beauty that is she.

He claims he wrote this poem weeks ago for her and it's just something he couldn't keep to himself anymore. I just love the juxtaposition of a boxer writing poems.

Not to be outdone, Luke the Soldier lets her know how much faster his heart beats when he sees her.  Tough guys show their soft side!  AWWWWWWWWW.

Jordan's having none of it.  He shows his horny side by shoving her in a corner and loving up on her.  Evan's all mad that the guys are cutting in front of him....yet makes no attempt to remove himself from the bar.  I hate it when this happens.  There's literally nothing preventing you from interrupting someone or waiting outside the door to grab some time with her.  In fact, I'm sure the producers would love it if you'd just barge in there and say "sorry bro, you know how it is!" I also love the guys starting to realize that there's a little Chad in all of them.  Release the beast guys!

Jordan, Luke, and Alex have roses, and they're joined by Derek, Robby and Chase, who are all so similar they might as well be triplets.  Wells, Grant, Vinny (seriously?), and James Taylor land roses, leaving James the Boxing Poet, Damn Daniel, and Evan (who says his heart is "on blast," which definitely doesn't mean what he thinks it means),  to sweat out the final rose.  In the end, it's Evan who was worried he didn't have enough time with her to make an impact.  I think that's exactly why he won though....she hasn't had enough time to see how he's basically Captain America before he gets the super serum, only he's also got Ted Cruz's personality.

James the Boxing Poet learns that girls really don't like poetry as much as romantic comedies made him think they do, and he's shocked he's going home.  Daniel says something incoherent, and that's that.  JoJo lets the guys know they're "going international." Cue B-Legit and Too $hort!

Apparently they're going to some place in Uruguay....where "South America's super-elite go to play." You know the guys are saying "please let it be Monaco or Ibiza or some other place I've even heard of." I promise you not one of those guys could identify Uruguay on a map.  I feel confident in this, because I couldn't identify Uruguay on a map.  Had no clue it was on the coast.  Could've sworn it was landlocked.  Go figure.

Evan says they have a 360 degree view of the ocean.  Didn't realize Uruguay was an island, idiot.  Uruguay looks way more modern than I expected.  Robby says The Grand Hotel is....Grand.  Robby also would like you know that blue whales are blue, the Great Lakes are great, and that a harbor seal lives in a harbor.  Jordan gets the one on one date, and the guys are pretty much like "screw that guy." Basically it's Jordan's fault that he played football and that the producers put him on two sports themed group dates. Jesus they need to get these guys something to do while they wait around.  It's like they're so bored they have nothing better to do than hate on whomever isn't in the room at the time.  I know...let's let them read a magazine!  What's that?  The only magazine they have is an In Touch mag with an exclusive interview with JoJo's ex that says he was hooking up with her the entire time she was filming the Bachelor?  DRAMA.  Of course these super secure, manly guys are going to shrug this off as a dude who is a little bitter that his super hot ex girlfriend is a household name looking to get a little fame of his own, right? I suppose that might happen.....right after Evan leaves the show to track Chad down for his $20 for his shirt.  This is about HONOR.

Back on the one-on-one, JoJo knows a girl that dated Jordan, and heard he was a shitty boyfriend.  After making out with him for a while, she suddenly decides it's time to confront Jordan about his past relationships.  JoJo's like "you weren't a great boyfriend" and Jordan's like "yeah, well that was then, and I'm different now." JoJo says "did you cheat?" and Jordan says "No." and JoJo says "I wish I could read your mind," because apparently she doesn't understand the word "No." Clearly she doesn't believe him.  Jordan says "if I cheated, it was emotionally." and all of a sudden JoJo's totally cool with everything.  So....don't make out with any girls, but flirt all you want?  I don't really understand what the purpose of this whole conversation was.

JoJo's still on Cloud 9 from her date with Jordan....until a producer slaps the magazine in front of her and says 'we need to address this...the guys have seen this." Jojo's response is perfect "My guys?!?!?" Holy crap lady....get over yourself.  Also, these producers have no shame at all.  JoJo goes to tell the guys that her ex is a bad person and the guys are like "this is a total non-issue, don't sweat it." OH MY GOD.  Alex even has the audacity to talk about how crazy it is to talk about a relationship in a public forum.  YOU'RE ON A REALITY SHOW! ALL ANYONE DOES IS TALK ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIPS.  I'm so done with this season.  Give me Chad or give me death.

The group date involves sand surfing, which really doesn't look like much fun.  Thankfully the rain cuts this portion of the date over.  Also, I bagged on Wells pretty hard on the first night, but he's definitely my favorite from here on out.

Redneck Vanilla Ice is wearing ripped jeans, a t-shirt, and a sport coat.  He lets JoJo know he doesn't care what's in the magazines, he can look into her eyes and know he doesn't need outside validation.  Not sure what that means, but he gets a kiss.  James Taylor believes she's there for the right reasons.  He gets a kiss.  Wells doesn't want to dwell on the past or talk about people named Chad anymore.  He gets a kiss.  Derek breaks rank and starts whining about how he's having trouble seeing her hook up with other guys.  He's having the classic "I got the first one on one and now I'm not getting any attention." moment.  Altruistic Alex says "I think everyone thinks Derek is a nice guy, but I don't like him." Well I know Alex is a moron, but I don't like him.  Take that, you tiny douche.  JoJo also is not on the same page as Alex, as Derek gets the rose

Robby gets the date, and that gives us a good time for our first "Bachelorette Math" segment!  Jordan says "with Derek getting a rose, if Robby gets a rose, and I already have a rose....there might be only five or six roses on that table guys!" I'll bet these guys minds are blown when they play musical chairs at family reunions.  Wait....you're taking another chair away?  But....you just took one away last round!  This is WAY TOO FAST!"

Also, I don't know if I'm paying more attention than in the past, or if my eyes have been opened to the editing that happens on this show, but the alleged conversation where Alex confronts Derek about playing the pity card was so chopped up and awkward that there's no way it went down any way near how they portrayed it.  What is indisputable though is that Alex is sitting cross legged in a chair wearing a zip up sweatshirt with no shirt underneath, sipping a drink and saying thinks like "oh yeah.  We done." Alex is awful.

Robby uses his dinner date time to say that his best friend drove off a bridge, and because of that, he quit his job, moved, and just HAS to tell JoJo he loves her.  JoJo's response is "Thank you." Under normal circumstances, that's the kiss of death.  Instead, Robby gives us some mumbo jumbo about love being a magical force that pulls two people together and he just KNOWS he wouldn't be feeling as strongly as he did if she didn't feel it at least a little bit too.  This sounds like a good excuse for me to use when I decide to go out to lunch with the intentions of getting a somewhat healthy sandwich and end up driving right past Pita Pit and pulling into the drive thru at McDonalds.  "I really have no choice.  That double quarter pounder loves me so much, I can't resist it." Then there's fireworks.  Robby's had the best day of his life. JoJo's like "I totally did this exact same thing Tuesday with Jordan, so......"

Time for a rose ceremony at a rainy horse ranch. Derek mans up and calls the guys to task for calling his rose a pity rose.  For whatever reason, this rankles the guys...because he's doing this on a rose ceremony night.  JOJO ISN'T EVEN THERE YET.  My man Wells is the only one who seems to think that Derek should be commended for addressing it directly.  Alex can't believe he brought up this "petty bullcrap."  Didn't Alex bring this up like the night before?  Wasn't petty then, was it dude?

Of course, all this is rendered moot when Harrison arrives to tell the guys that there won't be a cocktail party.  My newest theory is that they shoot Harrison telling the guys there won't be a cocktail party every week, regardless if there is going to be one or not.  Then they have the cocktail party anyways, and just cut it out if the episode can survive without it.  There's no way they rent out these elaborate venues and then don't use them, right?

So three guys are going home.  My prediction is Evan, James Taylor, and Vinny are going home, but we'll see.  I was wrong....James Taylor got the rose and firefighter Grant heads home, removing the last non-white person from the show.  Forgot about the Aryan factor! Rookie mistake.  I'll take solace in the fact that Evan is gone from my TV a month or so...until the men tell all when he'll ask Chad for $20 again, then probably be announced as a contestant on Bachelor in Paradise.

Bachelorette Season 12, Episode 4: First Rule of Chad is Don't Talk About Chad

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