Thursday, December 19, 2013

The Strange Story of How We Bought A House That Was Once a Crime Scene

I've been waiting to write the blog post for the better part of a month, but I wanted to make sure everything worked out with the house before posting.  Call it superstition or whatever, but it's a pretty good story that I've been itching to share.

Around the beginning of September, Rachel and I were talking about how our house was starting to get a little cramped with the kids getting older and the inevitable accumulation of "stuff" that occurs as you get older and occupy the same home for over seven years.  After the kids went to bed, we spent a little time browsing houses in the area online.  No more than an hour later, I got an email from my cousin letting me know that they were moving and wondering if we'd be interested in buying their house.  As they say in France, "Quelle chance!"  However, after looking at home values, we determined that my cousin's house was outside of our price range.  I said thanks but no thanks and thought that was the end of it. 

If it had been though, this would be a pretty boring blog.

I received an email back from cousin saying that she'd figure out a way to make the sale work based on what we felt comfortable paying.  Hooray for generous cousins!  Rachel and I talked it over, toured her house (which is less than a mile from my office I might add) and decided that, yes, this was something we were interested in pursuing.

We went ahead and put our house on the market via a realtor who Rachel knew through work, and started mentally preparing to move to Corvallis in early 2014, when my cousin was planning on vacating her house for her new one (which, incidentally, she bought from my aunt and uncle.)  Everything seemed like it was working out so much better than we could have ever expected.

Again, if it had gone that smoothly, this would be a post I'd never written.

As the whole thing progressed, my cousin had an appraisal done on her home, and it appraised at a value higher than she expected.  At this point, Rachel and I sat down and decided that while we were overwhelmed with the willingness and thoughfullness and generosity my cousin was showing us, we just didn't feel comfortable accepting that much help, especially when we were fortunate enough to have enough money to buy a house that would fit our needs on our own.  We decided that it would be best not to accept that generosity, knowing that there may come a point when we actually would need help from family and/or friends somewhere in the future.

Now, we had an entirely new problem.  Our house was on the market, and we really had no plan of where we were going to go if it sold.  Sure enough, it wasn't more than a week after we had made this decision that we received an offer on our house.  We countered that offer, and they came back with a second offer that was a little lower than what we needed to break even on our mortgage, and gave us basically six hours to make a decision.  This was on Halloween evening - Jonah's birthday.  Granted, they didn't know that it was our son's birthday, but we were a little annoyed at the tight window they had left us to decide.  However, now armed with the knowledge that we didn't have a place to live lined up gave us the advantage of not being in a rush to sell, so we rejected their offer, figuring that perhaps the market would continue to improve and maybe another offer a few months down the road would be a little higher. 

Two days later, our realtor called and let us know that they had reconsidered, and bumped up their offer by a few thousand dollars, getting us to a level that would allow us to essentially pay off our mortgage outright.  Getting out of this mortgage was a big deal to us, as we were paying over 7% interest on it (2006 seems so long ago, doesn't it? Barack Obama was still a relatively anonymous Senator from Illinois and all you needed to get a bank loan was a driver's license and a pulse.)  We decided that this had been our goal all along, so we accepted it. 

That decision accelerated our house hunting into overdrive.  With us both being relatively happy with our jobs and Jonah really enjoying his kindergarten class, we had a pretty narrow search area that we wanted to focus on.  That next weekend, I think we toured almost a dozen houses in the North Albany area.  Some were still being built, some were definitely what I'd deem "fixer-uppers."  One house reminded Rachel and I of an assisted living facility.  In the end, we whittled it down to two homes we really liked - One was a house built in 1999 with a huge backyard, the other a brand new house with very little yard, but a fantastic floor plan and a massive "bonus room" that the kids would be able to take advantage of. 

Over the next week, we looked at both houses again, and decided that the backyard trumped everything else.  We talked it over with our realtor and decided to make an offer.  It wasn't more than a day later that our offer was accepted without a counter-offer or anything.  We were thrilled!  We were able to negotiate closing dates on both houses to coincide so that we could move directly from one house to the other without having to rent a storage unit or apartment for a few weeks.  Everything seemed like it was going smoothly. 

A little too smoothly, it would turn out.

A little while later, I realized that I'd never looked at the google maps street view of our new house.  So, on a break at work, I took a peek:


View Larger Map



 Aww, how cute!  A little girl out front drawing in chalk on the driveway.  Exactly the kind of thing I picture Jocelyn doing in a few years at the house.  Being the curious guy I am, I zoomed in on the driveway to see what she was drawing.  It turns out she'd written the names of all her family members on the driveway.  Somewhat surprisingly to me, Google hadn't blurred out this information, despite blurring out the license plate of the car in the garage and apparently the top of the garbage can to the right of the house for some reason.  As I looked at the names, one of them looked familiar to me.  I couldn't place it though, so I googled the name.  That's when I found this:



Yep. That's a bunch of bomb technicians testing devices on our new front porch. We had bought the house that until recently belonged to the family of a kid who was arrested last May for allegedly plotting to bomb West Albany High School.    Talk about a buzzkill.  He'd been hiding homemade explosive devices under the floorboards of what we were going to make our playroom for the kids.  My first thought was "how in the heck am I going to tell Rachel this?"  I slammed my head on my desk wondering why we hadn't been told this earlier in the process, and how it took me zooming in on a driveway to put all this together.  One of my coworkers suggested I not tell Rachel until after we'd moved in.  I suggested that I'd like to stay married, so I'd be telling her as soon as possible. That was not a fun phone call to make, let me tell you.

Rachel and I had a tough decision to make - do we walk away from a house that, up until this point, we were thrilled with?  Rachel was having a harder time with it than I was. She actually had nightmares that involved the walls of the house bleeding. I thought for sure she was going to want to back out of the deal - which would be understandable.  You shouldn't have any cause to feel uneasy in your own home.  However, after talking it over with our realtor, doing some cursory research online, and talking to friends and coworkers in the area who had more knowledge of the situation than we did, she ultimately decided that the house was not to blame for the unfortunate circumstances that surrounded it.  So we signed all the final paperwork on December 5th, fully planning to start moving in the next day, knowing we had to be out of our house by 4:00pm on December 8th. 

Oh, but this little saga isn't over yet.  Friday, December 6th we woke up to this:


The most significant snow event in the mid-valley in the last ten years had to hit on the day we planned on moving.  Later on in the day, we received word that the seller hadn't signed the closing papers on the house, due to an unpaid debt and the fact that the lady at the title company had made the decision to leave early because of the snow - despite knowing that we needed this deal done that day because we had to be out of our old house by that Sunday.  At this point we had to negotiate with the seller on an agreement to let us occupy the house prior to closing.  Usually in these instances, the buyer pays the seller a per diem to occupy the house.  However, we didn't feel like we should be paying rent because the only reason we weren't already closed was because the seller hadn't handled her business in a timely manner (and the title company lady was afraid of snow).  We were concerned that if we agreed to pay rent, that didn't give the seller much incentive to close the house in a timely manner, as she could just stall for a week or two and collect a couple hundred dollars off of us before signing the house over to us.  We negotiated this point through our respective realtors for HOURS Friday evening while my poor dad, who had driven a trailer down from Portland to help us move, sat around in our kitchen twiddling his thumbs.  The snow had impacted his travel down I-5 - it took him 3 hours to get to Albany, and once in town, another driver had lost control of his vehicle and slammed into the trailer, damaging the fender above one of the wheels. 

Finally around 8pm we reached an agreement to move in - rent free - with assurances that the deal would close first thing on Monday.  With the help from some very thoughtful friends watching our kids and helping us move the heavy stuff, we were able to get everything moved by Saturday night, despite the sub-freezing temperatures and icy roads.  The end result:



A very happy Lasselle family eating dinner at our kitchen counter amid boxes and boxes of our stuff waiting to be unpacked, with a heck of a story to tell!

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Perspective - An Interactive Blog Post!

It should come as no surprise to friends of mine that I enjoy eating and drinking Pepsi - not necessarily in that order.  So when a meeting at work provides free pizza lunch and Pepsi afterwards, I'm not likely to say no, even though lunchtime is about the only time during the day I can actually get some exercise in. (Side note - this is not true.  I could get up super early and exercise, or work out after the kids go to sleep.  I just choose not do exercise then because it would interfere with two things I enjoy more: sleeping and watching The Bachelor.)

As I'm polishing off a delicious piece of Hawaiian pizza that was probably two or three pieces after where I should have stopped eating, I started thinking about a TV show I watched last night, The Drive of Pac-12 Networks.  They were talking to an Arizona State linebacker who had lost his father to a heart attack a few months ago.  Now I started thinking about having a heart attack myself.   That led me to think "I could die tomorrow if I keep eating pizza like this."  I know there's probably a hundred other ways I could die between now and tomorrow that don't involve pizza, but you get my point.  I instantly thought about the things I would miss if I died tomorrow. 

Obviously, number one was watching my kids grow up.  I've only known them for a few years, but they're both in my top three favorite people in the world.  I really want to see how they turn out.  Will Jonah ever enjoy watching football games?  Will Jocelyn turn her love of singing into a spin on American Idol 2028?  Will Jonah ever be able to fall asleep alone?  When Jocelyn is on her first date, and the guy asks if she wants to watch a movie, will she ask him to watch Annie as her measuring stick for if he's dateable? 

You know what number two was for me?  Jurassic Park 4.  I swear to God, that was the second thing that popped into my head.  A freaking movie about fake dinosaurs.  I couldn't believe it.  I would've expected myself to think of visiting Ireland, or seeing the Beavers play in a Rose Bowl, or going to see the Olympics in some location I'd never otherwise think of visiting or actually getting to build a home from scratch with everything that Rachel and I want.  Nope....Jurassic Park 4.  I had no clue I wanted to see this movie so bad.  In fact, if you had asked me what movie I'm looking forward to the most, I would've guessed I would say Avengers 2.  Apparently Dinosaurs > Super Heroes in my book.

This got me thinking - what would you all miss or regret if you were to die tomorrow?  I've included a handy poll at the bottom, or you can leave a comment below if I left #1 on your bucket list off (sorry, I can't read minds.  Apparently, I can't even read my own.)

Aside from not seeing your children grow up, what would you miss the most if you were to die tomorrow?
Not seeing a part of the world you'd never visited
not seeing your favorite sports team win a championship in person
Not doing some extreme sport (skydiving, rocky mountain climbing)
Telling someone you loved them
Jurassic Park 4
Other
www.poll-maker.com

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

My First Field Trip as a Dad

Today I fulfilled a lifelong dream of chaperoning my kid's field trip.  Laugh all you want, but ever since Mrs. Sager took our second grade class to OMSI, and my dad let me and another kid kind of wander off from the group (he didn't just send us off on our own, he was watching us), I've wanted to be the cool parent on the field trip.  Of course, I'm pretty sure Mrs. Sager reamed my dad - partly because the other kid that went on this rogue excursion with me was her daughter - and it probably wasn't the best experience for him.  But nevermind the bad stuff, I was convinced that this trip was going to be awesome.

And awesome it was.  Kindergarten is the best.  These kids are hilarious.  Also, kindergarten teachers deserve their own holiday, because the ability to command attention from 28 five and six year olds is a Herculean task if there ever was one.  Mrs. Weldon is awesome....she's been a kindergarten teacher for 25 years - the patience of this woman is mind boggling.

The fun started during roll call, when she told the kids to call out "bus!" instead of "here!" because we were going on the field trip.  The kids are quiet, but much in the same way a 35,000 seat baseball stadium is "quiet" in between innings.  Sure nobody is cheering, but there's that background cacophony  that's constant.  I couldn't hear half the kids call out "bus," but she heard every one.  Of course she had to stop because one of the kids said another kid punched him in the stomach.  She asked Kid A why he punched Kid B, and Kid A says "because he punched me first!"  "Kid A, is that true?"  "Well, yeah!"

So then we load on to the bus and head out to the pumpkin patch.  I'm assigned two children, one of which is Jonah, thankfully.  At least one of them will potentially listen to me.  We get on the bus, and I'm sitting next to Jonah and this other kid, who is totally awesome, but totally hyper.  He can't sit still in his seat, he's talking constantly, and his favorite word is "brainfart."  A sample conversation:

Kid:  "hey, Jonah's dad, did you know what it's called when you forget something?"
Me:  "Nope."
Kid:  "A brainfart! (laughter from both Jonah and him.)
Me:  "Well, that's ridiculous."
Kid:  "You know what else?"
Me:  "What?"
Kid:  (makes fart noise) I forgot!  Just had another brainfart!"
Jonah:  "You should put your hood up, that will keep the brainfarts in!"

And on and on it went.  These kids are super-hyper, but boy do they respect Mrs. Weldon.  She made sure they got the message that the kids were supposed to be quiet when the bus went over railroad tracks, because as soon as the bus driver turned on the interior lights (the signal that a railroad crossing was coming up) these kids went silent and didn't say a single word until the lights turned off.  I was impressed.

At the patch, It turned into cat-herding at its finest.  You try keeping two five year olds together in a pumpkin patch sometime.  Both Jonah and my other assigned youngster were determined to find the perfect pumpkin.  So much so, in fact, that they were the last two kids to claim a pumpkin.  My favorite reason for leaving a pumpkin behind was that it was "dirty."  I will admit though, they both decided on pretty fantastic pumpkins.  

On the hay ride, disaster struck when one girl dropped her hat off the back.  The farmer was merrily driving his tractor, which had an enclosed cab, and the humor of 28 kids and a handful of parents waving frantically at the back of this guy's head was something to see.  The little girl was devastated and convinced she would never see her hat again.  Finally, farmer guy turns around and sees us waving, and one of the other chaperone dads is off to rescue the hat.  Crisis averted.

After everyone staked claim to the "best pumpkin EVER!" it was time to play on the hay pyramid, slides, mazes, hay forts and other harvest festival activities.  It was at this point that every chaperone gave up monitoring their individual kids and just scanned an area for kids climbing on hay bales they shouldn't be, or ushering kids off to the portapotties.  Of course, at one point I'm talking to a chaperone mom and I hear Mrs. Weldon yell at the kid I'm responsible for to stop climbing up the slide.  A short time later, Jonah and one of his buddies are racing to the hay fort, and Jonah sort of cuts the other kid off and he falls to the ground crying.  Jonah just looks at him, wondering why he's not getting up, as that kid's chaperone runs to his aid like he's a fallen soldier.  This chaperoning is serious business.  She was super good with him and had him back playing in no time.  I spent the rest of the hour avoiding Mrs. Weldon, since I'm pretty sure I was the only chaperone to have both his kids run afoul of the rules of the field trip.

The other thing that was evident is that my son is adored by his entire class.  This might sound like bragging, but that is what I observed.  He's the Justin Timberlake of North Albany Elementary's kindergarten class - boys and girls alike want to be around him.  Jonah seems oblivious to his stature, not acting arrogant or haughty at all - something I'm very thankful for.  When we showed up in the morning, it seemed like every kid came over to say "Hi Jonah!" something I didn't observe with the other children.  Even when we dropped Jocelyn off at preschool, the other kids saw Jonah and it caused a minor issue as kids had to line up to high five Jonah before he left for preschool.  On the bus, the two girls across the aisle from us would lean over every few minutes and say "Hi Jooooonah!" and he'd casually wave back and say "hi girls."  One girl in particular followed him everywhere, even leaning her head on his shoulder during the group picture on the hay pyramid.  Jonah seemed completely at ease with all of it, making we worried for what Rachel and I are in for in about ten years.

In all, I had a blast on this trip, and I can't wait for my next chance to chaperone - unless of course it's during a school dance.  I want no part of the dances.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Reflecting on 9/11

Logging in to Facebook this morning and seeing all the messages about that terrible day twelve years ago and remembering the heroes and to "never forget" really got to me this morning.  Of course I'll never forget.  It's probably the most unforgettable historical moment of my life, ranking ahead of the Challenger exploding, the "Spring Break Quake" in 1993, the Oklahoma City Bombing, Obama being elected, Princess Diana's death, and the announcement of Bin Laden's death. 

I was actually in Las Vegas on September 11th, 2001.  I was on my way back to Oregon after spending the summer working in Colorado with my cousin Wendy.  We had stopped in Vegas to meet up with a couple from the Czech Republic we had worked with who were touring America before returning to Europe.  I woke up early, I think around 6:30, and called my mom to get my sister's phone number.  We were driving to San Diego that afternoon to visit her (she was in college at USD at the time).  All circuits were busy.  Strange, I thought, that phone lines were overloaded that early in the morning.  I tried again with the same result.  At this point, I turned on the TV, but kept the sound down low so as not to wake up anyone else.  I couldn't hear what was going on, but saw smoke coming out of one of the towers.  At this point I thought it was just a fire.  Then they went split screen with a shot of the Pentagon on fire.  Now I was a little concerned.  At this point I stopped worrying about other people sleeping and turned up the volume.  It was then that I learned what was really happening.  I tried calling my mom again, and this time got through.  She was pretty concerned, probably because her husband was in New Orleans, I was in Las Vegas, Grant was in Northern California, and Erin was in San Diego.  When something like that happens and your family is scattered all over the country, it's gotta be tough.  She actually told me not to go to San Diego, to just drive straight to Weed, CA to see Grant because "nobody's going to attack Weed." 

Once everyone was awake, we sat there in silence watching the news for a while before finally making our way to a Denny's in a casino for breakfast.  It was so bizarre to see Las Vegas so quiet.  I remember the numbness of the the place - nobody was gambling, nobody was yelling, nobody was smiling. People were eating and talking quietly.  At this point, Jiri, the guy from the Czech Republic that was with us, said "I'll bet Bin Laden was behind this" between bites of his hash browns.  I, of course, had never heard of Bin Laden at this point.  Later, I would look back and wonder if this was because of my own ignorance, or because the American government and/or media felt it wasn't important enough to convey information about him.  Probably a little of both, I suppose. 

We had ideas about going to see the Hoover Dam, but it was shut down like every other national landmark in the country.  So we headed for San Diego.  As we drove along the coastline, you could see the battleships out in the Pacific protecting our shores.  The fear that "this isn't over yet" was undeniable, even the next day.  When our time was up in San Diego and we started making the trek north up I-5, I remember driving behind a delivery truck or moving van of some sort.  Written in the dirt on the back was an anti-Muslim message, predictably with some spelling errors.  I wish I could remember what it said, but the point was clear - America in general was already racially profiling everyone of Middle Eastern descent.   

No, I'll never forget that day.  I remember it every time I say goodbye to my wife and kids when they travel to Wisconsin without me and I have to say goodbye to them at a security checkpoint instead of waving goodbye as the walk down the jetway at the gate.  I remember it every time I visit a major city and see a skyscraper.  In that sense, maybe Bin Laden accomplished what he set out to do. 

Then again, a part of me remembers that day every time I hear someone singing "God Bless America."  I remember it every time a fire truck drives by in a parade and everyone gives the firefighters a standing ovation.   I remember it every time I see an Arizona State football game, where the players run out of a tunnel behind a picture of Pat Tillman, who gave up a professional football career to fight for freedom thousands of miles from the nearest NFL stadium, and ultimately lost his life in that fight. 

In that sense, I think that terror will never really win.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Tales from Dari-Mart

A bag of these cost me 15 minutes today


Sitting at work today and I'm struggling to make it to 5.  So I took a quick break to run down to Dari-Mart and get myself a Pepsi Max.  Silly me, I forgot that there's no such thing as a quick trip to the downtown Corvallis Dari-Mart. 

I was fourth in line at the counter.  I should also mention that they have two counters (and two clerks working) but, of course, only one is available.  Dude number one is buying Megabucks tickets.  No real problem with this, other than the guy was about 80 years old, so it takes him longer to do everything.  Again, he's 80, so he can take as long as he wants.  I'm still in a good mood. 

Dude number two drops $160 in cash on the counter, and I'm freaking out because I think he's buying lottery tickets.  $160 on lottery tickets?  Great, you just increased your chances of winning from .0001% to .0016%.  Good luck with that.  Turns out, he's just getting some money orders.  When you figure out a good reason to have a money order, let me know.  The Internet tells me they are safer than personal checks, but I suppose that's only because they can't bounce.  Seems like if you misplaced a check, you could cancel it or at least have some recourse of getting your money back.  You lose a money order and you're screwed. 

Anyways, there's quite a button pushing process to get a money order, and this dude is getting two.  So its taking a little while.  Dude number 3 in line is getting antsy.  He's probably in his early 20s, wearing a wife-beater and a gigantic backpack.  He probably hasn't showered in a week.  I get the sense that he maybe lives on the streets....only he's still young and stupid enough to think that he's cool for doing it.  He does not have the look of someone who has been beaten down by life yet...though if he has to wait one more minute at Dari-Mart, that might be the end of him.  He's tapping his foot, sighing loudly, even kneeling down at one point.  After a few minutes, Mr. Money Order is done, and - after double checking that the receipt he has in his hand is legitimate - he moves on out the door.

"Finally!"  Homeless Joe says.  "We need to be playing the Jeopardy! theme up in here, amiright?"

I give a courtesy smirk and look down at my phone, wondering where it is exactly that this kid needs to be in such a hurry.  I'm certain it's not work or school, and I'm praying that doesn't need to be somewhere to pick up his child.  Perhaps a court date?  Who knows.

Homeless Joe plunks down his desired purchase - a ginormous bag of Sour Patch Kids.  Of course it's Sour Patch Kids.  I'm expecting this guy to pull a mountain of dimes, nickels, and pennies out of his backpack, but no...he's got a wallet.  On a chain.  And it's got a credit card in it.  Now it gets good.

"Sir, your card has been declined.  Do you have a debit card?"

Somewhat surprisingly to me, he does. 

"Sir, your card has insufficient funds."

Now I'm trying not to laugh as Homeless Joe gets exasperated.

"Aw are you kidding me?  I checked it a couple days ago and I had $3.64 left on that thing!"

This dude was down to his last four dollars, and he spent it on a bag of Sour Patch Kids.  Sorry - he ATTEMPTED to spend it on Sour Patch Kids.  Who knows what he actually spent it on.  Now, instead of just shuffling on out the door, our determined hero takes his giant bag of Sour Patch Kids back to the rack and......you're not going to believe this.....picked out a SMALLER BAG OF SOUR PATCH KIDS.  Incredible.  I loved everything about this.  He saunters back, muttering about how he now looks like a hypocrite for talking about the guy in front of us holding up the line.  Sadly, he now had to go to the back of the line, and I wasn't about to wait around just to see if he had enough for a small bag of Sour Patch Kids.  What should have been a five minute trip had already taken me close to twenty. 

This was, by far, the most amusing thing that happened to me all week.  Also, it made me very thankful that I've forgotten what it's like to have to wonder if you have enough money to buy a snack....much like I've forgotten what it's like to ask for $1.76 of gas at the station so I can make it home.

Here's to hoping something this weekend reminds you how lucky you are to have what you have, instead of being grumpy about what you don't.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Downton Abbey

Yes, this post includes some spoilers, so just stop now if you're planning on watching


Because I like other people to decide for me what I should spend my leisure time reading/watching (see my late-to-the-party posts about Twilight, Hunger Games, and 50 Shades of Grey, plus television shows like House of Cards and Walking Dead), I waited until a sufficient amount of people around me started talking about Downton Abbey before getting on board with it. 

Watching Downton Abbey proved more difficult than expected.  At first, it was easy thanks to Netflix, but suddenly it disappeared from their catalog.  Some Internet sleuthing uncovered that apparently the rights to online streaming of the show had been purchased by Amazon, so unless I wanted to pay an additional $7.99 to watch it, I was out of luck there.  Renting it seemed foolish, since I didn't have 9 hours to spend on a one day rental, and paying $3.99 for a 5 day rental seemed even dumber given that I'd end up paying $8 to rent seasons 2 and 3.  Of course, nobody buys stuff like this on DVD anymore, so borrowing it was out too.  After being openly mocked for asking to borrow a copy of the Hunger Games from someone ("What you're too cheap to buy a $5 book for your Kindle?") I was gun shy on that idea anyways.

The solution presented itself in the form of the public library.  Hooray for ostensibly educational programming!  So I hop on the Corvallis Public Library's website (hilariously, their website is www.thebestlibrary.net, though I have no clue what claim they have to this.  And based on my experience with their parking lot, I'd have to disagree.)  and place a hold on season 2.  This was about 2 months ago.  I'm currently 66th in line to get it. Given that the rental period is one week, I should expect to be able to watch it sometime in November 2014.  This is where living in Albany comes in handy.  Rachel reserved season 2 before we went on vacation in July.  It was ready for us to check out the day we got back.  She reserved season 3 as soon as we were done watching season 2.  We got season 3 about two weeks later.  Two weeks vs. 66 weeks.  So basically we got it about 3300% faster.  I'll bet the situation would be reversed if we tried to rent season 1 of Duck Dynasty, but that's a topic for another blog post.

First off, I absolutely love Downton Abbey.  I've always been fascinated with history and how people lived in other eras.  It's mind-blowing the way these people lived.  Sure, there's not much action and it's slow and hard to understand their accents at times, but I really enjoyed it.  That's not to say that it's a perfect show - it suffers from the same pratfalls as other shows:
  • Too many story lines.  I'm kind of surprised this is an issue when each season is only 9 episodes, but throwing in random character arcs like a random maid having random sex with a random soldier and having a random baby before becoming a hooker to support her baby and then being "rescued" by Mrs. Crowley was completely pointless and I groaned every time she popped up on the screen.  Other unnecessary plot lines include the saga of Bates and his completely evil wife (she was so mad at him that she killed herself to frame him for murder?  Really?  Has anyone ever been this mad ever?  I could see faking her own death (much like what happened to Libby Parsons in Double Jeopardy) but actually killing yourself out of spite?) and the courtship of Mrs. Patmore....what was the point of that?  It seemed like a pretty drawn out way to introduce a "ringer" for a tug-of-war bet. 
  • The rule that nobody is allowed to be happy for more than an episode.  I hate this.  There's always got to be some sort of catastrophe that consumes the house every other episode.  Oh you just rekindled the love of your life?  He's going to get wounded in a war.  What's that?  He can walk again?  Well now his fiancee is going to die.  Oh you just found out you don't have to sell your estate?  Sorry, your daughter's going to die because of an arrogant doctor.  It's maddening. 
That being said, I do really enjoy the writing.  Mrs. McGonagall (I have to call her that, because The Dowager Countess of Grantham is just too long) is phenomenal, and I also really like the work of the actors that play Thomas, Anna, Mr. Carson, and the Earl of Grantham himself.  It's a great show to balance out the mind-blowing idiocy that is the Bachelorette for me.  Finally, I'll leave you with my five luckiest and unluckiest characters on the show.

Unluckiest
5. Ms. O'Brien - Every one of her dastardly schemes has been thwarted.  She can't buy a break.  She even got unlucky with her soap scheme.  That was like a one-in-a-thousand shot that her ladyship would exit the tub and step on that exact 4 inch space without seeing it first.  Baby Killer.

4.  Mr. Bates - Permanently injured in a war, hated for no apparent reason by O'Brien and Thomas, apparently married the wicked witch of the west on steroids who won't divorce him despite being offered an apparently large sum of money and then is framed for her suicide.  He is then hated by his cellmate (again for no apparent reason) who tries to frame him for smuggling and enlists an equally sinister guard to tip off the only witness that can exonerate him that he might be on to her.  Not fair dude.

3.  Thomas Barrow- first off, his sexual orientation is against the law.  That's a tough break.  He's a footman and hates his job.  He sees a way out via the war, only if going to war is your best option at a better life, again that's a tough break.  Hatches a plan to maim himself in order to get out of the war, which works brilliantly for a while, but he's out on his ass when the war ends.  Is swindled out of what money he does have by a black market sugar peddler, and then almost kills a dog in a scheme to curry favor with the Earl.  Does curry that favor, only to lose his job as valet when Bates returns.  Also is in love with a guy who loves women. 

2.  Robert Crawley, Earl of Grantham - Lost his wife's money on a business venture gone south, almost forced to sell an estate that has apparently been in his family for centuries.  He gets bailed out by his son-in-law, which has to be the unluckiest way to get lucky in the history of the world.

1.  Lady Edith - Middle Child, which is in my opinion the worst position to be in.  You're not the first and you're not the baby.  You're the other one.  Also, while not ugly by any stretch of the imagination, she's bookended by knockouts for sisters.  Falls in love with an old dude but is initially thwarted by her conniving older sister, then gets past that only to have him wounded in the war, making him seem unsuitable to her father, who talks the old cripple out of marrying her.  Finally overcomes that obstacle only to be jilted at the alter when the old fuddy duddy inexplicably gets cold feet.  She also had a brief romance with a married guy until his wife put the kibosh on it, then falls in love with another married guy who legally can't get divorced because his wife's legally insane.  Has she ever had a good day?

Luckiest
5.  Lord Grantham - He's on the list because he's born into his position, married a rich American to keep his estate going, then was bailed out a second time by his son in law.   Also lucky nobody discovered he was putting the moves on an anonymous maid and somehow got his mommy to get the doctor to fudge the truth a little bit to get him back in good graces with his wife after his stubbornness played a major role in the death of his daughter.

4.  Matthew Crawley - before dying, he was pretty damn lucky.  Survived the war, was told he'd never walk again, only to find out he's perfectly fine.  Tries to push away two hotties that want to marry him at different times before finally picking one only to have the other one totally understand and then die to avoid any future awkwardness when they see each other at parties.  Then, despite spurning a girl who stuck by him through his pseudo-paralysis, her father leaves him a gigantic sum of money, but this is only after Lavinia AND two other contingency beneficiaries die.  Oh, and he married into a family that will give him a title with which to wield that money.  Also had a son, which was apparently a big deal in those times. 

3.  McGonagall - She is like a thousand years old, which in itself is pretty lucky for someone born during a time when average life expectancy is around 50 and I doubt she's ever done a lick of physical exercise in her life.  Plus she's super rich and has yet to have one of her little plans not pan out.

2.  Tom Branson - OK, so the love of his life died.  That was a bummer.  Still, he made the leap from Irish Chauffeur hellbent on the destruction of everything the Crawleys held dear to becoming one of the family with respect amongst both the family and the servants.  Not bad for for an Irish Catholic.  Also apparently was able to be party to the burning down of an innocent families house and escape any sort of punishment beyond "don't go back to Ireland." 

1.  Daisy, the assistant cook.  Probably the only person to not have any personal tragedy befall her.  Was in love with Thomas, but luckily he's into guys and spurns her advances.  William loves her, but she doesn't love him, yet she agrees to marry him as sort of a "sorry you've got to go to war" present from the staff.  Of course he gets himself killed, getting her out of any future awkwardness.  Oh, and his dad wants to leave her a farm, giving her a life outside of the pseudo-indentured servitude that is the life of a servant on one of these estates.  Then she falls in love with that goofy buffoon Alfred, only to have a pretty kitchen maid Ivy show up just in time to turn Alfred's attention elsewhere and save her from ending up related to O'Brien. 

Monday, July 29, 2013

Bachelorette Finale Part One: This better be dramatic

Well it's been billed as the most dramatic bachelorette finale since....the last bachelorette finale, right?  After weeks upon weeks of tears and slow violin music, we're finally ready to find out who does who wrong here.  Does Brooks walk away?  Does her brother return to saBROtage (see what I did there?) her chance at love again?  Does Drew finally admit that he's more into Chris Harrison?  Let's get this on.....

....but first let's have twenty-five minutes of recapping all the crap we've rehashed over and over and over throughout the season.  At least we got to see WAN PAAABLO again, albeit briefly.  That guy is almost a no-brainer for next bachelor, right?  He's gotta be the first person they ask...even before the weepy guitar playing sno-cone penguin Zak, right?

Des is still recapping her three finalists in the "There's Chris, and here's six compliments about him, but then there's Drew, and here's EIGHT compliments about him, but of course then there's Brooks, and here's forty-seven things I love about Brooks because he's the most perfect man EVER" style

Seriously, what is so amazing about him?  He is a nice guy and I guess somewhat attractive, but their conversations (at least the one's they've shown) haven't seemed all that intellectual or deep.  And apparently it's BROOKS that is the subject of all the angst.  A quick teaser of him telling his family he's uncomfortable proposing and then straddling the fence on his feelings about Des in a conversation with Chris....you just KNEW that with all the "I'm in love with Brooks and this competition is close to over" comments Des has made over the past few episodes this wasn't going to end well, right?  I think I've said before that I just didn't see the chemistry between them despite what they were saying, so I really should have seen this coming.  Also, I should've known that the brother lurking in the lobby when Brooks was walking through was some sort of foreshadowing.  That scene made absolutely no sense when it was shown, but if Brooks dumps Des, then "the crazy brother was right about this guy all along" aspect comes into play.

Of course, ABC doesn't take us right to the Brooks drama, and makes us suffer through a boring Drew date first.  Let's tour Antigua together, and have a large black man intimidate them into kissing in public.  I think all he had to do was say "kiss...kiss....ROB A LIQUOR STORE!" and they would've done it.

Des leads Drew down a path which Drew calls a path to (double entendre alert) a "secret garden." Sorry Drew, that comes later on tonight in the fantasy suite.  Instead you're going to talk about how much Des loved your family and smooch a little bit.

Back from commercial, they're still kissing, but the weather has changed and it's now night time.  Rain has washed out their dinner, but that's not going to ruin Des' date.  "Rain will not ruin my night with Drew" she says emphatically.  She then puts the cart before the horse and brings him into the fantasy suite before asking him if he wants to join her in the fantasy suite.  Drew then finds twenty-six different ways to say yes.  Des then goes through how her ex-boyfriend never expressed his feelings, at which point Drew says "well I totally don't have a problem telling you how I feel!"  Which completely misses the point that she already knew that and was illustrating why Drew is still around at this point.  What a dummy.  I will say this for Drew though, he's laying it all out there.

Alright...here we go!  Brooks apparently is really struggling with having an overnight date with Des.  They haven't really said this, but Brooks has to be Mormon right?  He's from Utah, he has a huge family, and some of those family members live in Idaho....is he going to play the religion card at this point?  Seems kinda sketchy to bring morals and values into the game at this stage, right?  He's never given any indication that he wasn't 100% into Des, has he?  We went through that whole "we're jogging, and we're almost at the finish line" junk.  I remember him saying how happy he was to hear that Des was almost at the finish line with him.

Brooks then goes through all the things he loves about Des and his mom and sister echo all those things, but all of a sudden the love isn't there.  This seems pretty crazy.  I love that Brooks asks his family how he has this conversation with Des.  When his mom says "you have to be honest," he almost sounds disappointed.  What, was he hoping that they were going to help him craft some sort of elaborate breakup story?  "So, I can't marry you because...ummm...because it turns out that I have a wife that I thought drowned ten years ago (surprise!)...yeah, and she's had amnesia for the past decade, but she just was struck by lightning and now she remembers me....yeah...so I can't marry you, sorry!"  What the hell man?

Chris has his date, and he spends more time describing the colors of the waters around Antigua than he does talking about Des.  I'll bet he's written some killer poems about that water.  After a helicopter ride to a private beach (yawn) Des proposes a toast.  Does she toast to their relationship, or to Chris?  Nope...she toasts to the beach!  Not a good sign, Christopher.  Chris then offers Des a piece of fruit, and Des says "When in Antigua..." and Chris follows in Drew's footsteps by saying something that doesn't need to be said.  "...Do as Antiguans do!" he gushes.  There's no ending to that saying, Chris!  Everyone knows what "when in (fill in a location)" means!  Nobody says "when in Rome, do as the Romans do."  It's just "when in Rome."  Bonus points if you use "When in Rome" no matter what city you're in.  If someone offers to take you deer hunting in Wisconsin and you say "when in Rome," then you've just moved up a few spots on my list of favorite people.  Apologies to people who say "for intensive purposes," but you're getting dropped.

Odds a poem is recited at this dinner?  I'd say 85%.  Chris may not get the chance though, because he makes the bold step of stating his desire to continue to live in Seattle.  Des is definitely not feeling this, and tries to hint to Chris that if she really loved him, he'd be willing to sacrifice and move for her.  Chris  misreads this and think she's talking about herself, so Chris barrels ahead, and Des decides to not completely ruin the mood and kill the fantasy suite portion and just flat out lies through her teeth by saying she'd be open to living in Seattle.

Also what the hell is that noise in the background of this conversation?  It's was this screechy noise that sounds something like a wind chime gone horribly wrong.  I'm glad that's over....but nope!  Here comes our poem!

Methinks Chris was ready to move on to the sexytime portion of our date, because he read that poem in record time.  It was basically just six sentences strung together with nothing significant about them.  I know poetry doesn't have to rhyme, but he didn't even try to throw in any horrible metaphors or similes this time.

Ok Brooks, let's get down to business.  Des can't even contain her smile as she's getting dressed and ready for this date, but Brooks is having a much different emotion going on....who better to discuss this with than the recently divorced Chris Harrison?  Brooks basically sounds like he didn't realize that marriage was a possibility at the end of this show until just now.  Chris asks him if he's not sure if he's in love or if he's just not in love with her.  Brooks says "hmmm....I'm not sure."  What a maroon.  Either you're in love with her or you're not.  Brooks then says some bullshit about love having a feeling of pain associated with it.  I don't even know what to say about that.  People who associate love with pain are the kind of people who beat their girlfriends and then say that they did it because they love them so much it hurts to see them look at other people.  Brooks then goes through all this garbage about how "the last thing he wants to do is hurt Des" which always seems funny when you know exactly what you're going to do is going to crush her.  Although then again, he's only been dating her for a couple months, so if you think about it a "real world" perspective, telling your non-exclusive girlfriend of two and a half months that you don't see a marriage in the cards for the two of you isn't that big of a deal.

Poor Des is gushing about how awesome this date is going to be and fantasizing about Brooks proposing and everything else.  This is going to be rough.  Buckle up Des!  No kissy kissy this time...and Des immediately knows something's up.  "It's amazing how you know right away that something's wrong," Brooks says.  Well, the not going in for the kiss thing is a pretty big giveaway Brooksy.  Brooks is awful at breaking up with people.  Brooks keeps talking about how amazing Des is, and how shocked he was to have a good first date.  Finally he gets to the point, but only when Des shows him the way.   Once Des says something about losing the feeling of love when they're apart, he goes 'yeah, that's what's happening."  Des finally truly grasps what's happening and starts crying.  Brooks, showing just how stupid he really is, says "please don't cry...why are you crying?"  Des is starting to get into the anger stage here and I'm fearing for Brooks' safety.  It's only a fleeting moment though before sadness overtakes the anger again and she curls up into a ball and cries it out.  Des tells Brooks she loves him, and all of a sudden Brooks is like "why didn't you say so earlier?" as if that would've made a difference.  Total D-bag move.  You can't break up with someone then say "well if you'd done this or that, things would've been totally different.  You don't get to end a relationship that's had absolutely no disagreements or bad times and not own every part of the breakup.  I award you no points, Brooks.

To hammer his idiocy home, Brooks says "it sucks that there's nothing I can say...." and then continues to talk.  He knows that nothing he says is going to make her feel better, and yet he continues to shower her with compliments.  Just go man.  Instead he's treating this like it was some sort of elaborate test to see just how much she cared about him, and he's hoping to be able to say "you passed the test!  I will stay with you!"  You're done bud.  There's no coming back from this.  You better hope your next girlfriend didn't watch this, either.  I think he even asked her  what she was going to do...as if she has any reason to tell him.  He just wanted to hear her say that she had feelings for one of the other guys and that they could console her.  No luck buddy.  Now he's crying because he didn't want to say goodbye, and yet that's exactly what he came here to do.  How did he see this going?  Was he expecting a "awwww, thanks for coming out here buddy....no hard feelings, ok?"

As if to add inslut to injury, Brooks has now put her in the awful position of having to do the same thing he just did to her TWICE with two other guys.  You had to live through that conversation once, Brooks.  She's going to have to do it three times.

Unless of course she realizes between now and next Monday that she actually loved Chris all along, and he's been the one from the beginning and Brooks was just an obstacle on their journey to true happiness.  Because nothing about this show makes a lick of sense.


Monday, July 8, 2013

Bachelorette Week 7: Madeira makes Michael call his Mommy

Well from a Bachelor party over the weekend to the Bachelorette!  I'm flying solo tonight with the family in Wisconsin, so I can't use the "only watch this show because my wife watches it" excuse anymore.  So here I sit in a pair of basketball shorts eating watermelon and watching very bad reality television.  You know what?  Couldn't be happier!

Well I'm hoping to get some answers to questions I had at the end of last weeks episode.  Why are all the guys crying?  Why does Des like Drew so much?  When is Juan Pablo coming back?  And why the heck is Lawyer Mike still around?

Sadly, it looks like very few of those questions will be answered tonight.  We're off to Madeira.  I swear last week they said they were going to Majorca, but whatever.  Apparently Des brought all the guys there on a yacht.  Five guys and one dude on a boat?  Psshht...we had 12 guys and one girl on a boat MUCH smaller than this at C-Runk's bachelor party this weekend.  Amateurs.

The week before hometowns always bring the pressure - people start realizing that their parents are going to be meeting this girl, and they almost take the process seriously for the first time.  Des brought out three girls from her past season, including one of my favorites - the smoking hot but incredibly boring Jackie.  Catherine is also there to dish on her relationship with Sean.  Des asks what's up with the two of them, and Catherine gives the most unemotional response ever.  "it's been a whirlwind that hasn't ended yet. He wanted a best friend, I wanted a best friend, and that's what we got.  The last thing he said to me was 'give Des good advice.'"  Nice change of subject, Catherine.  It sounded like the answer you would give when someone asked you about your marriage after 10 years, not three months of engagement.  Also, I'm pretty sure the whirlwind has stopped.  I haven't heard Sean or Catherine's names in months.

Des starts dishing on the guys.  A recap:


  • Chris is supportive without having to say anything
  • Brooks is positive, adventurous, and fun
  • Michael is a federal prosecutor - genuine guy
  • Zak is adventurous and reflective
  • Drew is sweet, but she doesn't see any spice
Out of that group, I'd say Michael the Lawyer might be in trouble.  Her description of him was that he had a job.  After some more deliberation, the guys walk out to play at the pool, and the girls go super creepy stalker and break out the binoculars and judge the guys on their bodies.  Brooks is chastised for wearing a tank top, and then it's on to focusing on how many guys Des kissed again.

What the hell, ABC?  Why are we focusing on this so much with Des?  I haven't noticed her kissing any more people than any other Bachelorette or Bachelor.  Is this some sort of thing where we're trying to hammer home to TV viewers that Des is not just a cute, innocent girl?  Why we gotta make her look like a slut?  After she gives "best kisser" to Drew, Catherine asks "which guy has the biggest (-----)?" to which Des replies, "I dunno, probably Chris!" to which the girls say "hey, you never know!"  So I guess that means that Chris looks like a guy with a small package.  Good luck overcoming that stigma, buddy!

Brooks humblebrags that he's been on so many group dates, he's forgotten how to act on single dates....the implication that he's the first dude to get a second one-on-one date.  Des whisks him away in  a tiny European car, and they cruise out to some cliffs overlooking the water.  Brooks is an idiot. Just once I'd like to hear some sort of insightful statement from him.  Instead we get "thanks for inviting me on this date," and "we're not above the clouds and not below the clouds...we're like in the clouds!"  Des makes a lame "we didn't just have a breakthrough in the clouds, we had a breakthrough in our relationship!"  I still don't see it.  I just don't get them as a couple.  Des apparently does though.  She says "picture the best dream you've ever had, then times it by ten, then live it, and that's where I am."  After that endorsement, you'd think Brooks is your favorite right?  I think that might be Des' version of Sean saying "I'm crazy about you."  She'll say something just as over the top about the next guy too I'm sure.

Back at the house, the guys are anxiously awaiting the date card.  After Chris Harrison drops off a note on a small table and ding-dong ditches the guys, it is revealed that the next date will go to Chris...who apparently did an internal Tiger Woods fist pump.  Back on the date, Des toasts to "one of the best dates she's ever been on."  Brooks starts talking about how "he's not lose to his family just because they're his family."  So all the rest of us who think we're close to our family are wrong?  This is just a bizarre monologue.  Basically all he's saying is that he worries that Des doesn't want to meet his family, and doesn't want to bring home a girl that's just keeping him around because ABC won't let her cut him loose yet.  They then talk about how there are stages between like and love, and then equate them to speeds: stepping, skipping, running and finish line!  Des says she's starting to run, and Brooks is elated. S"he said she's running, and I feel like that was an honest response.  I want to start running too!" Ugh.  Also, his sweater and her dress get an "ugh."  Cue the fireworks!  Des loves that he wanted her to meet his family....as if he's going to say no.  

Next up is Chris.  He's apparently clueless as to why the date card said "let's SEA if we can find love." So the idea that you might be going out on a boat never crossed your mind, buddy?  The guys go watch  them walk off and Brooks says "oh good they're not holding hands!"  Seriously?  You're trying to glean something from their body language?  Immediately Chris grabs her hand, and Brooks gets all frowny face.  Michael says he'll break his fingers, which is a lie.  He'd coerce Mikey or James to break them for him.  He's a lawyer, right?

Chris finally grasps the "we're going on a boat" concept, and shows genuine emotion for the first time on the show.  He says "we're going to be chilling boat style, drinking some vino...." I think I liked boring Chris better.  Des asks Chris if he's the same around her as he is around his friends, and he says 100%, well..I'm not hugging everyone and holding their hands."  Goes without saying buddy.  Sometimes less is more.  During their picnic, Chris brings out a bottle and says "we're going to do a message in a bottle, but we're going to write a poem together."  GAG ME NOW.  

Experiences we share together
keep the memories close to heart
so that with time
our love never parts

No matter the distance or hours away
know that I'm out there somewhere thinking of you
just as the waves crash into the shore
I long for the day I'll be with your forevermore.

That poem looks like it was written by two people that were hours apart and couldn't communicate.  Some lines are short, some are long.  Some rhyme, some don't.  Also, ending it with "forevermore" gives it a real Edgar Allen Poe-y feeling to me, and that's not a good thing.  I'm not a fan of their poetry.  Actually, I'm not a big fan of any poetry.  It's all too flowery and over the top for me.  Except haikus.  Haikus are awesome.  Here's a Bachelorette Haiku for you.

Des kisses many men
Their man junk she dreams about
Stab me with a knife

At dinner, Chris is nervous.  He's trying to tell her he loves her, but of course the only way he can do it is through the power of poetry.

Individually Defined

The strongest word with so much meaning
hard to say without a stammer
but when expressed with true feeling
sincere, for no other word can mean so much more

like the time we had atop the hotel
seventeen above
feelings had changed and were oh so real
meant to be is how I feel

our hearts are open
words expressed by you
feelings I know are so true

I look forward to the unknown
appreciate your emotion you have shown
and I am also hopeful to see if in your heart I have found a home.

Expressed in writing 
and felt through touch
enjoy this moment
and embrace this rush

The strongest word with so much meaning
not so hard to believe its true
our hearts are open and in each kiss
I truly mean that I love you.

I guess it's the sentiment that counts, but man is that tough to read.  Des loves it.  She's blown through the roof and wasn't expecting him to say the big "L."  She's pretty happy, and her every kiss seems to say "Brooks who?"  Chris thinks he's found "the one."  Des has no words, since she seems intent on kissing Chris for the rest of her life.

Time for a date with Michael now.  Des would love having Michael in her life.  "I feel like we would have a blast together, he would have my back...I feel like he has all the qualities that would make a loyal, trustworthy husband."  You take out the word husband, and you could replace it with "Labradoodle." Seriously she just described all the qualities I'm looking for in the next pet for our family.

Michael says that Des has 48 of the 47 criteria for the perfect woman.  I'm not sure what she sees in this guy.  So far he's shown only that he's a petulant tattletale who likes to back people into a corner.  Des, who apparently picked up on none of that, says that he's "the sweetest person she's ever met."  So that makes two guys that are "the sweetest person in the world."  I think they should fight for that title.  Next, it's time for two guys dressed like ice cream vendors to shove them down a hill on a couch.  What the hell is going on?  Michael gets the short straw and has to equate love to couch bobsledding.  I really love that these two guys have to push them all the way down the hill.  What kind of job is that?  "Oh, I push people on couches down hills.  It's really tough, because if you don't steer them correctly, the couch will bump into the curb at a low rate of speed."  

After a wardrobe change (Michael goes for sport coat, v-neck and jeans while Des opts for denim jacket over form fitting white dress.  Advantage, Desiree.  Michael says that date exceeded his expectation, and that he had so much fun.  Des says "awww............thanks."  Clearly, she was looking for more.  

Time for Michael to tell his sob story about being the product of a broken home with diabetes.  It's prepared him to be a good dad apparently.  Des seems content, but is definetly not feeling it the way she was on the other two dates.  My hypothesis is that she picked two one-on-one dates with her front runners, then gave the third to Michael because she knows this week she won't have to straight up diss him and listen to him try to lawyer his way out of it.  We'll see if I'm right.  Also, Michael apparently found out via a Facebook photo that his girlfriend had moved on.  Ouch.

As they wander through the streets, they come across an old women wailing away to some opera music.  They sort of stand there with an arm around each other and then finally give each other little pecks on the cheek.  I'm convinced now.  She wants Michael as a friend, but not as a lover.  He's her labradoodle.

Drew's super confident, which is funny since the previews make it look like he's not anywhere near 100% committed to this process.  Good times.  Zak sums up the absurdity of the show perfectly:  "I'm 100% in love with this woman.  I've known her for WEEKS."  Alrighty then....time for some European go-karting!  Des is ready to see the guys let loose and show her their fun sides.  Zak says "there's so many twist and turns that complicate this track..."  So basically it's not a straight line.  

After some warm-up laps, Des pits the two bros against each other, and ABC hilariously makes them talk to the cameras while wearing the helmets.  As they whip around the track, Drew tells us how the feeling you get from love is similar to the feeling from racing around the track.  Not to be outdone, Zak says the same thing in slightly different words.  Drew is bummed that he loses the race, but then issues a warning.  "I have the upmost respect for Zak, but I'm going to go above and beyond to show her how I feel."  Does Drew have a few cards up his sleeve to play?  Find out after the break!

Zak's "prize" for winning is the first time with Des.  That seems like a pretty crappy prize....you're not getting anything extra.  And, Drew gets the opportunity to leave the last impression before she gets the rose.  Drew turns on the charm, showing her his drawings and talking about how it symbolizes the feelings he felt when he kissed her.  Zak played that well.

Drew's turn.  Come, let's sit on a flimsy blanket atop some old Firestone tires!  Des really tries to get Drew to be flirty with her, but he's not going for it.  He's in total serious mode.  He wants Des to meet his sister.  Des is looking right at Drew, but he's looking at the ground.  Like, seriously not looking at her at all.  I'm really confused by this fella.  The words coming out of his mouth do not jive with they way he's saying them.  But Des is smitten.  She's all about the kissing, and Drew drops in a "I've fallen for you" which is the poor man's "I love you."  

While Drew seems to think that he'll get another chance to say "I love you" later on, Zak feels like it wasn't even necessary to say, because he was so smooth.  Rose goes to Drew, for sharing a heart wrenching story about his sister having a severe mental handicap.  Aside from the obvious reasons I would never be on the Bachelor (happily married, lacking a six-pack), I feel like I'd be instantly disqualified because I feel largely unaffected by my parents splitting up and because I have all my limbs and am not related to anyone with a deformity or handicap.  It's like a requirement now that you talk about some struggle in your life.  If you've led a happy life, you're at a serious disadvantage, so much so that you need to exploit the memory of a deceased relative or blow some unhappy moment out of proportion just to garner a sympathy rose.  Otherwise, you're seen as "not opening up."  It's a great show to watch, but seriously would it be worth it to be a part of this?

After a montage of the guys packing their bags, Des deliberates with Chris.  This is the best week she's had, which makes sense because she's more comfortable with the guys.  Chris reminds Des that she's about to break someone's heart (probably).   He brings up the fact that she'd never been to Europe again, and Des talks about how she never imagined that she'd get to travel overseas as a part of the Bachelorette.  Chris asks about the guys, and Des says that Drew is the best looking guy she's ever seen, and he's so sincere.  She then drops a bomb and has moved from running to the finish line with Brooks.  Then she starts crying.  Holy crap...how is this guy the first to win her heart?  He's so boring!  I also think this is a first for a bachelor/ette to admit to loving one of the contestants before the final rose.  Interesting.  Chris asks if the competition is over, and Des isn't ready to say that...yet.  She's still giving Chris a chance at least.  So basically it looks like all Brooks has to do is not screw up, and he'll win.  Either that, or she's giving Chris a chance to dramatically improve his poetry and seal the deal.

In the end, it's Michael the Labradoodle that gets sent packing, as I thought.  He should really be proud of the fact that he was able to lawyer his way into the final five, because he really had no business being there.  Des gets to give Michael the traditional "you're such a special guy" send-off.  He gets the "we have a great friendship" line, and then Des smartly just shakes her head and says "I dunno."  Might be the first genuine send-off ever.  Michael's still laying on the charm trying to sway her, saying things like "no girl is going to compare to you."  Guess he's going to have to settle with looking for a girl with only 47 out of 47 perfect woman categories.

He's grumpy in the limo, talking about how he's tired of being rejected, then says "this would've made his mom's life."  He then calls his mom from the limo!  His mom says "here we go again!"  Best line ever from a mom!  That just made this entire episode worth it.  So much behind those four words!  Then Michael moans 'maybe I'm just never meant to have a family!"  Oh god, cry me a river!

Next week, the return of Des' brother!  Also, there's absolutely no indication we'll get to see any of the man crying that was teased on last week's episode.  ABC's again found a way to keep me in the game to the very end.






Sunday, July 7, 2013

A Twittering of a Bachelor Party for the Bros

This weekend was my brother Colin's bachelor party.  Being that I didn't know many of the guys going, and being one of only two married guys on the trip and the only person who didn't drink, I was slightly apprehensive going into the weekend.  Would I have fun?  Would the fact that I didn't drink and had a wife to answer to at home bring down the overall enthusiasm of the rest of group?  I wasn't sure, but I figured my contribution would be to drive the RV so the rest of them could drink to their livers content and not worry about driving home.  The plan was to spend the 4th of July at Gearhart beach and then take an RV over to a cabin near Odell Lake in Central Oregon the rest of the weekend. Below are some tweets from the weekend, which we tagged #allthebros









This was no joke....the grass and sand in the backyard of this house was ablaze after people got impatient lighting briquettes.  I actually had someone hand me a couple of red solo cups and say "hey buddy, if you've got extra hands, we've got a fire out back and we could use all the water you can carry."  I'm not sure what my 24 ounces of water was going to do, but he certainly seemed to think it would make all the difference.






That was pretty much the standard Bro attire for this beach party.











I don't know if any of you have ever been to Gearhart for the 4th of July, but it's insane.  People everywhere.  There's cars parked on the beach, and everyone brings an insane amount of illegal fireworks.  There's groups of people ever 50-60 feet or so setting off fireworks in the dark.  On the beach.  Many of these fireworks need to be anchored so they can launch into the air.  When you're drunk and lighting fireworks with either a lighter or, in the case one particularly drunk bro, a campfire in the middle of dozens of people, you don't have time to anchor your firework properly.  This led to fireworks tipping over on the their sides or firing off a low angles directly over people's heads.  I saw one guy light a firework no more than five feet from a group of people walking back to their car who had no idea he was there.  You know, because it's pitch black and he's wearing dark clothing.  While lighting fireworks.  It's the most unsafe situation you can imagine.  It's miraculous that nobody got hurt.













Like I said, it was scary.  It got increasingly scarier as the night wore on.






The aftermath of the beach party.





I am not an experienced bro partier.  I brought a sleeping bag, but no tent and no headrest.  I had to bum a spot in a tent and hijack a "pillow" from Grant's car.





Now the real bachelor party began.  We shed some of the excess bros and got down to a core group of 10 or 12 guys and headed for Odell Lake....well sort of.





After about seven very disorganized conversations, we decided to meet up with a few guys who were driving separately in Portland, with the idea of swinging by the Warm Springs casino on our way before hitting Bend and then rolling down to Odell Lake.  Once we met up with them, we finally realized that they didn't want to go to the casino and Bend on the way, because then they wouldn't be able to drink all night.  So we then headed right back down I-5 South.  It was about an hour detour that never needed to happen.





This tweet is EXACTLY what the 3 hour drive to Odell Lake was like, and really is how you could sum up the entire weekend in 140 characters or less.





This house was AWESOME.  The garage had a separate apartment above it, complete with fridge and dishwasher.  The view off the back deck was spectacular.  I was pretty jealous that I didn't have access to a house like this all the time.





It was closer to an hour and a half.  I haven't done something like that in over a decade.  I was struggling.





I believe her actual quote was "I've been riding dirt bikes my whole life," but you get the idea.  Yes, we ended up at a "gentleman's club" in Bend.  It was the third time in my life I've been to one of these houses of ill repute, and probably my last.  It was entertaining, but in all the wrong ways.  I found a comfortable spot on a couch in a corner and tried to keep to myself, but it's impossible in a place like that where the ladies are doing their best to separate your money from your wallet.  One thing I learned is that I'm horrible at talking to strippers.  I tried to talk to them like actual people, but they're like actors who refuse to break character.  One girl came over to me and said "you know that dream everyone has where they're naked in front of a group of people in public?  It's funny, I don't have that dream anymore!"  I was dumbfounded.  Like what do you say to that?  I mumbled something about how it probably feels less weird with every day, and she got the hint that I wasn't interested in talking about her disrobing anymore, she quickly moved on.  Later on in the night, another girl comes over and starts chatting with us.  She said something about asking her anything, because she always tells the truth.  I said something about that being an admirable quality, and she says "well, when I used to be a really good liar, but when I was ten I got caught telling a lie and my daddy disciplined me real good, and I haven't lied since.  I don't know if she was telling the truth or lying, but either way, it was one of the creepiest things I've ever heard.  I think she intended it to be sexy, since I got the impression that everything they do is supposed to be sexy.  It was anything but.  She went by the name Vixen, and was impressed that I knew the definition of "Vixen."  This led to me telling her that I knew what a vixen was because it was the name of the girl fox in "The Fox and the Hound."  Like I said, I suck at talking to strippers.  She seemed totally flummoxed as to what to do with me, but I think maybe she hung around because I wasn't trying to talk her into taking her clothes off and was happy for the break.  She then started talking about how she was divorced and had two kids, so I gave her a few bucks just because I felt like I had to (for the kids!) and that was that.  Time for the long ride home.





The next day we had rented a pontoon boat on Odell Lake.  We, naturally, weren't moving too fast in the morning and didn't get out to the lake until about noon.  The weight limit on the boat was 1800 pounds or 13 people.  We had 13 people, but probably closer to 2500 pounds.  Also, it was super windy, which was really whipping the water around.  While driving out to a good spot to hang out on the lake, the surf was so bad we had to basically zig zag across the lake, because driving straight out would've sunk the boat with all the water coming over the sides.  Fortunately, the wind died down and we had a pretty good time just hanging out and swimming on the lake for about six hours.  I'm not sure the same could be said for the local wildlife:




One guy brought Navy Seal Firecrackers, which are basically tiny explosives that will still explode underwater.  This was entertaining for about three crackers, but after that it lost its allure to me.  Not everyone got bored with it though.  There were probably fifty to sixty of these things detonated over the course of the day, most followed by at least one person giggling or going "Whooo!"





This sounds pretty vulgar (and it is) but it's something of an inside joke amongst these guys, and doesn't involve any actual "plucking of chicks" or expectation of future "plucking."  Still, it must've sounded pretty awful to other people on the lake, especially considering that there was only one girl on our boat with twelve guys.  AWKWARD.





I wrote that at about 10:30 last night, and I was under the impression that everyone was exhausted and would be going to bed soon.  I've never seen Pandora streaming radio used to the extent it was this weekend, and I probably heard the same twenty songs or so on loop for 72 straight hours.  That's probably fine when you're intoxicated most of the time, but when you're sober, it gets old.  Also, I was wrong about the party winding down.








They went hard until about 3:30 am.





This was my nickname for the weekend.  I was dubbed "MVP" because, as one guy put it "I'm pretty sure someone would've crashed the RV or been arrested had you not been here."  In all, I was pretty impressed with the way these guys, most of whom had never met me, made it a point to thank me multiple times for doing all the driving.  I appreciated it, and actually had a lot more fun that I thought I would going into the weekend.  These bros were alright in my book.





I was actually having a conversation with one bro, and he fell asleep right in the middle of it.























The drive back was much more low key than the drive over.  The music was a little quieter, the dice game a little more reserved, and even the traffic was surprisingly light.  I think these are all signs of a super successful bachelor party weekend.  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try to sleep for about 10 hours before going to work tomorrow.