We pick up where we left off, with JoJo wandering around an airplane hangar in the middle of the night talking to herself and God. If that doesn't scream "terrorist" I don't know what does. Luke has just professed his love for her, and she can't decide if she should send him home or not. In the end, she decides that, yes, she should send Luke home. Luke genuinely looks flummoxed. I'd guess the exact line in is head was "CHASE? REALLY?"
JoJo then walks Luke out, and decides to tell him that she's never felt as connected to anyone before, and their relationship was growing. However, as the weeks wore on, she didn't know where he stood. JoJo is now the worst Bachelorette in history. She just told this dude that she was more into him and had a better relationship - that was getting BETTER - than with any of the other guys, but she had to send him home because he never said I love you? This is the same dude that just a few days ago invited his entire town to meet you, took you on a horseback ride at sunset into the meadow to show you a heart made out of flower petals to tell you that his heart belonged to you? No wonder Luke looks like someone just told him he was adopted. Luke's question of "you don't want me anymore?" was pretty poignant, as JoJo says "that's not it!" which is going to make whomever she picks feel just AWESOME inside when they see this.
Because this is The Bachelor, we have to jet off to Thailand to finish this mess. I get that there is something very cool about seeing other countries and cultures and how people of the same species can live entirely different lives than we do here, I wouldn't exactly say that Thailand seems all that "romantic." So far it's been lots of concrete, crowded street markets and rain. If that's what they were going for, they could've headed to Portland and chilled under the Burnside Bridge. SO ROMANTIC. The only difference would be that instead of tiny Asian woman rubbing your feet, it would be a 22 year old unemployed vegan named Meadow giving them henna tattoos and offering them some herbal supplements to cure cancer and improve their sex life. Robby is so boring unless JoJo is accusing him of lying about his ex. I'd almost rather watch that Kevin Spacey movie where he's a cat than more Robby.
Speaking of accusing Robby of lying, she reminds us of Ben saying he loved her and how she never thought she'd end up heartbroken. Clearly this is Robby's fault. Incredibly, JoJo goes right into the whole "how do I know you love me?" line of questioning. Robby responds by letting JoJo know that his dad is an incredible pickpocket....somehow slipping a note into his son's jeans WHILE HE WAS WEARING THEM without him noticing. Robby then gives the note to JoJo to keep. I'm trying to remember the last handwritten note I got from my father to tell me how much he cares for me and how much he supports me. It's never happened, not because my dad isn't awesome or caring or there for me.....my dad all of those things and more. It's because DAD'S DON'T WRITE HANDWRITTEN NOTES TO THEIR GROWN SONS. This is basically the equivalent of a Honus Wagner baseball card, and Robby just forks it over to the girl who is still dating two other guys. JoJo gives him a key to her suite, they hump, Robby tells her he loves her a billion times, JoJo refuses to say it because she enjoys the double standard, and then says she's going to go change. So romantic.
She then changes by.....taking off her robe? I'm almost positive that what she's wearing as she leaves is exactly what she had on underneath. Maybe she threw on that plain white tank top, but whatever....it doesn't matter, because herer comes Jordan in a...plain white t-shirt. JoJo has changed into a half- tank top thing and tiny shorts.....like a Lara Croft cosplayer basically. She says "I look sporty because we're doing something active! By active, she means hiking through a cave to a temple. JoJo, ever the world scholar, says "temples are sacred here," as opposed to all those temples in other parts of the world that were just kind of shoddily put together with no real plan or care. They can't kiss at this temple, so they rub their cheeks against each other as JoJo wonders if Jordan has been lying to her the entire time he's known her.
Dinner time, and JoJo breaks out her elegant skin tight white cropped tank top, because she's classy like that. Somewhere Sporty Spice is pissed that JoJo stole all her tops from the Spice World tour. Jordan says that he loves her, and JoJo goes "THAT'S WHAT BEN SAID!" at which point Jordan looks like he wants to punch her. I don't blame him. She says "how do I know that you mean what you say and I won't end up heartbroken." This is the point where I'd say to JoJo "how do I know you won't leave me heartbroken? How do I know that, hmmmm?" But since that isn't how this show works, instead he reinterates that he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her, and apparently this time she knows it's for real (because he said it again, duh), and we're off to the fantasy suite for a little rub n' tug Thailand-style.
The next morning, JoJo lets us know that she's in love with both Robby AND Jordan, but she's better than Ben because she's not going to tell them. Brilliant.
Date #3 is with Chase, and JoJo is all ready to find out if she can make it three-for-three on the "guys I'm love meter." JoJo says "he's able to make me feel special even though we're sweating all over each other...we're still having a blast." I'm not one to kiss and tell, but some of the best times I've had with members of the opposite sex were when we were sweating all over each other.
It's getting late, I apologize. Anyways, we come back from commercial to see Chase sitting on the beach by himself. NOT A GOOD SIGN. Chase then goes into how in love with JoJo he is and he can't wait to tell her he's ready to marry her. EVEN WORSE SIGN! Then we hear a knock on JoJo's door, and it's Robby! THE WORST SIGN! Chase is so boned. ABC wouldn't arrange it so Chase walks in on her talking to Robby, will they? Unfortunately for us (fortunately for Chase), we don't get to see that disaster.
Speaking of disasters, this dinner isn't going great for Chase. He talks about how hard this process has been and how this has been more difficult for him than it has been for Robby or Jordan. He follows this up with a speech about how he wants to be the man who can keep her safe....then immediately ruins it by saying "and I wanna smear that lipstick." Somewhat surprisingly, JoJo offers him the fantasy suite. I really thought she was going to shut him down at dinner. Nobody really expects him to advance, do they?
Chase then tells JoJo that he's no longer falling in love with her, but he's ready to tell her that he's in love with her and that it's "so hard to say that, but he's ready to carry that burden." JoJo gets the validation she needed to know that all the dudes love her, so now she's done stringing him along. Four minutes ago, she was kissy kissy at the dinner table, and now she's like "easy tiger, I don't know what you expected to happen in the fantasy suite, but even though I invited you to say in my super expensive hotel room with one bed with an exotic location, you aren't just going to be walk in here and tell me how you're ready to be the man who will make me feel loved and safe for the rest of my life and just hop into that bed with me. I'm a LADY." She then excuses herself from the room to go walk around the
She ends up going with "when you said 'that' to me (as if "I love you" is some sort of racist curse word that should not be uttered again) I don't think I'm in the same place as you." Chase is pissed off. "I just jumped over a hurdle I'd never jumped over, and now I'm skewered." This is just awesome use of the word skewered. Chase is winning this breakup bigtime. He follows up this line with "so now 'I love you' equals 'get the f*ck out?' You made me 100% regret saying that to you." Get her Chase! JoJo then says "I'm trying not to blindside you and be honest" and Chase lowers the boom with "you kinda just did that."
Chase for the win! JoJo's tears are flowing as she goes with the "I wanted to love you" and "you were everything I wanted and could have asked for and you did nothing wrong" which I'm sure sounds to Chase like "no matter what I tried, you are unloveable. You finished a distant third for my heart, and truth be told, I'd have kept Luke if the producers would've let me."
You'll never be able to convince me this isn't true, by the way. Luke got hosed, and I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up as the next Bachelor as an apology. Get ready for more guns n' horses, y'all!
My DVR cut off there, but I don't think I need to see the end of the episode at this point. An episodes that ends with the first on-screen murdering of The Bachelorette is good enough for me!
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