Sunday, August 13, 2017

Bachelorette Finale: Always Never the Same

One of the things I love about this show is that it is always the same every time. People say the same lines ("You made me feel something I've never felt before, I'm the best version of myself when I'm with you," "This is the perfect place to fall in love"), They try and make you think that the presumptive favorite might lose. Hell, after she broke up with Peter, Chris Harrison even said "well you might think you know how this story ends, but do you?" Turns out that yes, yes we did.

These things are also what I hate about this show.

Due to train travel, soccer practices, and the Angels having a big series with the Mariners this week, It took me a full week to get through these three hours. I'm going to skip over her dumping Eric, because it was boring, Eric didn't seem all that upset about it, and really everyone knew it was coming.

Peter - oh Pete. Pete said it was frustrating for him, and it was frustrating for me to watch. Pete doesn't want to propose until he's 100% sure he's ready to get married. Seems like a very good stance to take. Rachel wants to get engaged now and figure shit out later. A less defensible point she's trying to make, in my opinion. Keep in mind that there is no doubt in anyone's mind that she was going to pick Brian since she bought him that watch. So she's demanding that this guy commit to proposing to her when she was almost certainly going to reject that proposal. GTFO with that crap, Rachel. Even still, he finally relents and says "fine, I'll do it. I care about you, this is obviously important to you, so I'll do it." Her response: "I don't want you to do this for me.....I want you to do this for you." I DON'T WANT YOU TO DO THIS FOR ME. Right after she essentially said "if you loved me, you'd do this." C'mon Rach.

So they break up, and thanks to this new format of interviewing the people during the live finale and not having an After the Final Rose Hour (which I'm sure had to do with people turning off the show after the proposal and skipping the entire final hour in past seasons), we get to see them get back on stage together and talk it out immediately. Pete apologizes for saying "good luck with your mediocre life without me," which was awesome and he should not apologize for that.

Rachel then ladysplains to Peter that "this show wasn't for him" and that "she loves that he goes at his own pace," which is baxically the opposite of what she said during the show. If he ends up being the Bachelor next year, this show loses the last shred of credibility.

So Brian won, he said a bunch of tired, cliches and then hopes she loves him. Rachel makes him sweat, talking about how conflicted her heart has been this week, and then saying that "Brian's love has challenged her so much because it's been so easy." Yes, those relationships that are easy are the hardest. Brian agrees, they make out, and everyone's happy.

Brian - dear, sweet, sensitive, romantic, Brian - is then trotted out in front of the live studio audience, and he tries to be super romantic and re-propose. The audience doesn't even give him a pity "awwwwww." I've never seen a gesture fall that flat since I tried to sing a Backstreet Boys song to Rachel at our wedding reception.

Anyways, Bachelor in Paradise starts tomorrow! Let's get offended!

Monday, July 17, 2017

Bachelorette Season 13, Week ????: Are we Done Yet?

I think it's hometown week. I'm not really sure, since we're stuck with four unfunny, fairly boring dudes. I know I didn't blog last week, but let me recap:

  • She went on a date with Brian. They made out. There is zero tension in their relationship, but because you can't propose halfway through the season, they needed to invent a reason they might not be good together. The brightest minds at ABC got together and came up with "Brian's last girlfriend and him got along really well from the get-go too, so maybe that's a sign they shouldn't be together." Yes, damn those relationships where two people get along well.
  • She went on a date with Dean. Dean really doesn't want Rachel to meet his family. She will get to meet his family, because ratings.
  • She went on a date with Peter. Peter is still emotional that he couldn't make it work with his ex girlfriend. Pete may have played the sensitivity card one too many times.
  • She took the other three dudes on a date. One was named Adam, the other I already forgot, and Eric gets the pass. Eric is from Baltimore, so anything he says about his hometown or his upbringing is believable to me. There is an 80% chance the police are involved in his hometown date. Baltimore is terrifying.
Ok, on to hometowns!

Eric's up first. They meet, they hug, and Eric says "this is the nice part of the city. This is not how it was for me growing up." As they drive to their next location, Eric says "oh they're selling drugs right there." Most time's I'd say ABC just threw that anecdote in there, but #baltimore. They go shoot hoops, and some guy named Ralph shows up and says like six words and then takes off. OK then. Ralph does not seem very significant to this process.

Eric then recants how many people around him were criminals growing up. Rachel would rather talk (again) about how she is the first girl he's bringing home. Wherever they are walking to is not the "bad part" of Baltimore. My wife had a friend from high school that lived in a row house in Baltimore. She slept with a hammer under her bed. Rats the size of bulldogs roamed the streets at night. There was no need for street lamps because of the light from police helicopters searching for suspects. Eric's family is not from the Baltimore I saw on my visit.

Eric's aunt wants to talk about what it's like being the first black bachelorette. Rachel brings up the fact that she's being judged by black people, and she's being judged by everyone else. It's an interesting point I hadn't thought about. It's gotta be tough to feel like you could potentially be letting down a whole race of people if you make a mistake....or that society is just waiting for you to make a mistake so they can say "I knew it wasn't going to work." I have no idea how accurate that is, but it doesn't change the fact that she believes that.  Eric's mom says that she didn't show him the love he probably wanted because she'd seen a lot of good men not reach for their goals because they always reached for their mama. I think I know what he's talking about. When I was in eighth grade I missed the bus on a very rainy morning. I called her, expecting her to tell me to just get back in bed and she'd call the school and tell them I'd be there tomorrow. Instead I got my butt chewed and told in no uncertain terms that I needed to get on my bike and get my ass to school. I pedaled the four miles to school, showed up an hour late, soaked to the bone, and then spent the next hour in the nurses office drying out. So my childhood in suburban West Linn was a lot like Eric's in downtown Baltimore.

Brian's date is a tour of Miami. They eat South American food, dance to some Caribbean music, and make out some more. Brian says his dad is cool and his mom is crazy. Well that's what I heard at least. If we're judging who Rachel loves by the size of the flowers she brings the families, Brian wins in a landslide. Mama Brian tells Brian he's passing up on "so many women" and that "she may love you, Brian...but the mother is the mother. Blood is blood." In the end, Brian's mom drops the mean mom routine and concedes that Rachel seems pretty cool. Brian's a shoo-in now.

Pete's up next, and he's in Madison! I love Madison. In the summer, it's one of the coolest cities around. Pete claims he goes to the farmer's market every Saturday. By himself? Is that a thing one does? Pete's friends show up at the restaurant, and there's a discussion that involves the line "8 of 10 of Pete's best friends are black" 80% of Pete's friends are black, and he lives in a city where 7% of the population is black. This seems.....unlikely.

Pete's family seems cool, but Pete's family also puts out the "he's not ready for marriage vibe." This seems like a sly way for Pete to get out of having to propose without looking like a dick. Also, there's always one guy/girl that can't pull the trigger on the "L word" on hometowns. This has to be a part of the production meetings, right?

Time for Dean's hometown - Aspen...where the beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. Dean's dad is apparently a yogi who has given himself an unpronounceable name that mean's beautiful soul. Rachel can't understand why they haven't talked in two years, and basically tells Dean he needs to tell his dad he loves him.....what's more likely: Dean telling his dad he loves him, or telling Rachel he loves her?

Side note: I missed the first commercial promo for Bachelor in Paradise because a Victoria's Secret commercial for t-shirt bras came on before and in my highly uneducated self needed to figure out if this was a bra you wore as a t-shirt or that you wore under a t-shirt (it's the latter, much to my relief. I was having nightmares of Jocelyn asking for t-shirt bras in a few years and my head exploding.)

Holy shit Dean's dad. Let's all hang on the floor while dad bangs on a gong. Then there is a feather ceremony for Dean's deceased mother. Dean and his dad have some one-on-one time that revolves around Dean's dad praising him for talking through his nail chakras or something. Dean is having so much trouble not punching his dad in the face right now. I'm a huge fan of watching uncomfortable situations, and this is like the Super Bowl of those....although if I'm Dean's dad, I'm a little pissed that we've gotta do this on national tv 11 years after the fact. Dean's dad then gets pissy about being told he wasn't the best dad. Dean's dad then says that what you think of the other person is actually what you think of yourself.....and follows it up by saying his own dad took off and that he "never knew the son of a bitch." AMAZING. In the end, Dean tells both his dad and Rachel that he loves them, but with his dad it was almost sarcastically said. I'll call it a push. Still, he stands as much chance of Rachel saying yes to his proposal as his dad does.

Rose Ceremony time...this is a big one, because the loser gets no nookie in the fantasy suite. Brian gets the first rose, because I think Rachel will lose her shit if she doesn't get that man in a bedroom soon. Eric and Pete take the next two roses, and Dean gets the annual "you're awesome but your family is kooky-dooks" goodbye hug.

See y'all next week for fantasy suites and more contrived conflicts!


Friday, June 30, 2017

Bachelorette Season 13, Week 5: Norway to go but up (Part 2)

We've reached the part of the show where I start to question why I still watch this show. We've already met our cast of characters, and for the most part, they are who we thought they were. There's nobody at this point in the show that is going to emerge as a new villain, and it'd be a big surprise at this point to find out one of them has a child or girlfriend or some other shocking revelation. So we've reached the point where she basically goes on dates and then acts like she has a really tough decision to make on every single guy. Shoot, once this Kenny/Lee thing plays out, we won't even have any beef amongst the fellas any more.

Kenny goes on the best censored rant in history as he calls out Lee for his behavior. His daughter must be so proud. Rachel sends Lee home, and Lee immediately tells Rachel that Kenny cussed him out, calling her "sweetheart." Kenny, unable to accept the fact that he's still in the running, leaves Rachel in the chopper to again tell Lee he's a snake and that he needs to be a better person. Such an insane miscalculation on his part. Sort of like Donald Trump winning the election then continuing to push his insane theory that he actually won the popular vote too, Kenny is unable to accept a win without claiming total domination.

Oh it's happening, sweetheart

Incredible restraint by Rachel to not leave Kenny in the Norwegian wilds with Lee.  I would've loved that move. Kenny lecturing Lee, Lee laughing his ass off as the helicopter's blades start turning, Kenny all of a sudden realizing what's going on, standing there dumbfounded as the helicopter lifts off, hovers for a second over them as Rachel drops the rose out the door and flies away. Tell me I couldn't write this show.
A little self congratulation is necessary every now and then
In the end, Kenny gets the rose after explaining himself again to Rachel. She buys it, but I'm pretty sure we still have yet to see anyone survive a two-on-one date and go on to win the rose. I may be wrong on that, but I don't think I am. Kenny then calls his daughter and she's pretty adorable and I hope he makes it to hometowns so we can see more of their interactions. Best part of the show by far.

Rose ceremony time, and Josiah keeps talking about how confident he is, and how good he feels. Kiss. Of. Death. Rachel sends him and Anthony home. I didn't even know who Anthony was. Josiah goes off on most of the Caucasian people left on the show as "poor choices" for Rachel to keep around over him, though in his defense Alex is kinda weird and Adam did bring a creepy doll. Those are legitimate things to be confused by.

Off to Denmark. Eric snags the one on one date - touring Copenhagen. Eric's on a bridge. Rachel shows up on a boat. Eric yells "hey girl! We here!" Rachel should just keep that boat moving, but unfortunately she decides to dock. Eric tries to get in the boat, Rachel gets out. Then they both get in. Just stay in the boat, Rach.

They find a public hot-tub park. Have you ever been to public park in a big city? Do you ever feel safe there? Well, now add hot tubs and alcohol. Seems totally safe. Not surprisingly, a strapping Danish bloke hops up and yells "welcome to Denmark while exposing his Danish Stick Loaf.
When someone invites you to a Danish hot tub park
At dinner, Rachel and Eric talk, and Eric says "with everything I've been through...." which leads Rachel to ask him what all he's been through. What he's been through, evidently, is not getting enough hugs from his mama. Eric always has run from love, because he didn't get it from his mom and it was so unfamiliar to him. Not with Rachel though! Now he's finally realized that love is not something to run from! Rachel says "I am bringing something out of him that he never had before." Brilliant, Eric. Talk about your past struggles, say you're ready to move on, and presto you've got a girl putty in your hands. it all seems great until Rachel says "I don't know what's going to happen....." which probably means Eric is going home as soon as his rose immunity expires.
Rachel, to Eric next week
 Group date time - Rachel makes the boys row a boat across a fjord. On the opposite side, there are two guys "fighting" with swords. Fighting is a pretty liberal term.
Today we fight like Vikings!
Viking games basically involve knocking someone out of a circle by various methods. In one version you have to hold onto a stick. In another, you can't use your hands. In one you have to take a flag outside of a circle, and in yet another, you have to hold one of your legs behind your back. In the end, Kenny and Adam go at each other with swords and shields. Kenny wins (duh) but they both end up bleeding, which is an appropriate metaphor for the show: nobody leaves without a scar.

The rest of the group date involves making out with pretty much everyone (except for Matt, whom Rachel asks "how's Kenny?) This is really not a good sign, Matthew.
Not looking good, bro
Kenny then has the "my daughter needs to know if I'm gonna marry you, so tell me now if I'm going to marry you" conversation. As it always happens, Rachel says right now she can't commit to that, so she has to let him go home to his child. I'm not a big fan of using the kid as a reason to blame this relationship for not moving forward excuse. If Rachel didn't want to become an instant mom, she shouldn't allow dudes with kids on the show. I would think she has that sort of veto power. Or is it the sort of thing where ABC tells her "yeah, you don't have to pick him, but we gotta put a single dad on the show because America loves single dads. You can just tell him he needs to go home to be with his kid week 5 though." Being a kid of a cast member on a Bachelor Nation show has to be tough. You gotta go to school and hear people say "yo, saw your dad got dumped last night because his tv girlfriend didn't want to meet you." That can't be fun.
Why would you go on this show, Dad? WHY?!?!?
Will gets a date, and it basically involves a trip to Sweden and  ABSOLUTELY NO TOUCHING OF ANY KIND. Will smiles a few times, Rachel doesn't. Will tries to charm her, Rachel actually rolls her eyes a little at one point, and he's going home. At least you got to go to Sweden, right dude?

So, if you're keeping track: On this episode we've now said goodbye to five dudes. Let's make it a six pack, shall we? Time for a rose ceremony at the end of an episode.....a rarity these days. Rachel then says that being in Denmark reminded her of the Shakespeare quote from Hamlet "to thine own self be true." Do we really think that Rachel pulled this information from her memory banks? I'm guessing she saw it in the gift shop at the castle when they walked by. She has to excuse herself because this decision is so hard on her, then dumps Alex. Wasn't really that tough, was it? She didn't really have any chemistry with Alex that I saw.

Mercifully, this two day saga has come to an end, and we can get back to only wasting two hours of our lives a week again in July. See y'all then!

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Bachelorette Season 13, Week 5: Norway to go but up (part one)

This episode was very boring, let's just get that out of the way. It's hard to write about boring material, so I'm going to supplement this with a buttload of gifs. Enjoy!

Kenny doesn't seem to understand how aggression works. Him whispering "you're a little bitch" and "I'm going to end you," is pretty damn aggressive. I mean, which is more scary: someone very angry yelling crazy stuff, or a person who is very calm and in control whispering threats of your impending death?

Worse than that was Lee saying "I don't like confrontation." This is akin to the Pillsbury Doughboy saying he doesn't like being poked in the belly.
Does he look like he dislikes this?
Jack Stone was then sent home on a one-on-one. The only thing I could see that Rachel and Jack had in common is that they'd both probably be better off dating another man on the cast.
I wasn't sure about that joke either.
Tickle Monster went home, and we're off to Norway.

Brian gets a date, they rappel of a ski jump, Rachel decides he's so perfect he must be lying about something and there has to be some sort of a catch. Turns out the "catch" is that Brian was "too skinny" in high school and the girls didn't pay him any attention. Boo freakin hoo Brian, it must suck to be an attractive skinny man. You get no sympathy points for having acne either, because what teenager doesn't deal with bad skin? He then tells her he loves her, and she gives him props for being so vulnerable and putting himself "all the way out there."
Heard that before........

There's a group date coming that involves playing team handball in spandex that we're going to have to sit through before we get to the main event of Kenny vs. Lee in a two on one date. Lee says "I don't think I've ever seen a two on one date where both guys have come home before.
Have you ever even watched this show, bro?
 I'm pretty excited for this team handball group date, as handball is my favorite sport American's have no clue how to play at the Summer Olympics. It's basically on par with curling for me. I mean...look at this:

That's pretty cool, right? Unfortunately, the guys don't play like that. They play more like this
Ok maybe not, but it's awkward and funny like them playing
Will tries to make the most of his time with Rachel, saying that he needs to let her know who he really is. He says something about knowing Nick hurt her, and around the same time, he got hurt by someone he loved "very much." That person picked someone else, and he says "for a while" he didn't think he would ever put himself out there again. So what was that "for a while?" It couldn't have been more than a month tops. Since everything moves at light speed on this show, I'll allow it.

And what the hell is going on with Josiah? He goes into a story about his dad telling his mom on their second date that the Lord put it in his heart that they were going to marry, and now he would be remiss if he didn't tell Rachel that she was the woman of his dreams. He says this as he strokes her shoulder. Rachel doesn't buy it for a second and says that he never asks questions about her or anything that he didn't read on the internet about her. Josiah, without missing a beat, says "that is an excellent point, you're very perceptive and I love that about you."
Did Josiah even hear what she said?
Josiah continues his string of confusing statements, criticizing Lee for being from the South, when he himself is from Florida. Off they go into the Norwegian wilderness.....or as Lee calls it "the land of the vikings." Lee's objective is to kill Kenny with kindness, Kenny's is to "focus on Rachel." Here's thinking they both fail.

Kenny starts his alone time talking about how he's looking for a woman his daughter can look up to and emulate...this is good! Then he goes on to say "the only thing I'm going to say about this is that Lee is a snake and I called him a snake and I yelled at him." Did Kenny accomplish his objective?

Lee decides to go on the offensive, telling Kenny called him a bitch, said he would sh*t in his boots, and forcibly yanked him out of a van. Nothing about Rachel, no kindness at all towards Kenny....this is clearly going well. Objective accomplished?


The episode ends with Kenny laughing like one of the hyenas in Lion King and saying that Lee is going to get "washed under in a tide of realness that is Kenny." 

This is a good place to say "to be continued" because I'm going to need a while to unpack that sentence....see you tomorrow!

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Bachelorette Season 13, Week 4: Race to the Bottom

The good thing about a week off from the Bachelorette is that I get a week off from getting worked up about a bunch of guys I shouldn't care about.  The bad thing is that I forget about the cliffhanger drama and just assume it's all over and done with.

But no, here we are talking about Lee and Eric.....still. Lee is an idiot. Lee has to explain that his grandfather getting cancer was sad. Nobody has to explain cancer is sad. Lee uses a knife that his grandfather carried with him to carve the word "enchanting" in a piece of wood that looks pretty much like the handwriting Andy used when putting his name on Buzz and Woody's feet. Lee sucks. Eric is pretentious and annoying, but Lee truly sucks.

Bryan and Rachel have a conversation that includes all the hottest buzzwords: vulnerable, future, drama, charming, 100% real....we've got #bachelorettebingo! There's no 50/50 pot at this bingo game, so they settle for aggressive kissing.

Lee continues to patronize every guy in the house. Kenny's pissed off because Lee interrupted him. Lee decides that the best way to deal with an angry person is to laugh at them, which sounds like a great way to get punched. Rachel is having a hard time talking to Bryce, whom I will henceforth refer to as Poor Man's Wolverine.

One of my favorite things about this season has been the fact that nobody has mentioned race, despite this being the most racially diverse cast ever. It hadn't been mentioned, that is...until now. Rachel somehow thinks that the guys arguing means that people are going to blame her race for the drama. I honestly don't get this line of thinking. There has been much bigger drama on this show between an all white cast. I'm guessing she thinks that people will not just see it as "drama," but as "black person drama." She said that she's getting pressure from all sides....about what? Who is pressuring her? I don't think I've seen one negative thing about her online yet. People (and by people, I mean fans of the show) generally love her and see her as one of the "best" bachelorettes in the show's history. She's straight forward, she commands the room, and she's not just sitting around waiting for the guys to fight over her. Just frustrating to me.

Now we've got a rose ceremony that nobody really cares about. They already 86'ed the kooky dude, so you know the only other villain they have (Lee) is safe. Anyone who they've invested any time in showing on TV is also safe. In the end, it's Diggy and Poor Man's Wolverine who leave. I don't get sending Diggy home, he seemed like a pretty chill dude.

Rachel then toasts the remaining guys, saying that she hopes they can move forward with no drama and negativity. This coming from someone who kept Lee around. The Bachelor franchise is just a giant manifestation of that girl in high school who would get drunk and make out with her best friend's boyfriend at a party and then cry about how she's "so sick of drama" when people get mad at her for it.

Time for the show to leave LA (but not the drama) behind, and head to South Carolina. Dean, a life-sized, animatronic Ken doll, gets the first date. They park a jeep in a field and drink champagne on the hood before a blimp appears on the horizon. You'll never believe this, but Dean is afraid of heights. Conveniently for ABC producers, a blimp crashed and burst into flames at the US Open which you gotta admit is some pretty convenient timing for them. Miraculously, Dean is able to overcome his fear of heights to pilot the blimp and make Rachel feel like she was the one to give him the courage to ride in a goddamn blimp. The blimp cockpit is basically a glass bubble that made me nervous watching it on TV from my couch, so I have a hard time believing anyone with a true phobia of heights would be calm at all in an actual blimp.

Of course, the blimp does a fly-by of the resort the guys are staying at, and of course they're all out on the balcony as it comes into view. The side of the blimp says "Dean and Rachel are in here," and this pisses Eric off to no end. "I can tell they're having a good time," he moans, as he plots a way to get that blimp on the ground.

Anyone seen Eric?
After the blimp lands (safely), Dean and Rachel talk about their upbringings.  Rachel's parents are still married, which leads Dean to say "that's really rare these days." A great conversation to have with a woman you want to marry (in theory, at least). He then divulges the sad story of his mom dying of breast cancer 11 years ago, and that apparently this is the first time he's talked about it. IN ELEVEN YEARS. If you go eleven years holding your feelings about your mom's death inside...there is no way you're a functioning member of society. You need therapy, Dean!

Group date time! They take a yacht. "Feel free to take your shirts off," Rachel croons, as she makes no attempt to shed any clothing herself. (#doublestandard) The date includes "competitions like limbo, pushups, and a rap battle. This concludes with a spelling bee. I'm already annoyed. Spelling is not something that's hard...if you do things like, oh, I don't know, READ. You read a book, it's got words, you see the words, and pretty soon, they look familiar, and damnit, then you know how to spell them.

I have to give credit though, they didn't give the guys simple words. I was anticipating guys going out on words like "utility" or "phony," not "boutonniere." Seriously, how many people have ever seen the word boutonniere written before? You hear the word two or three times in high school, and that's about it. Tough break for the guy who got that word. Josiah ends up winning, spelling the word "polyamorous."

Now, let's talk about Iggy. Last time we saw Iggy, he was talking about Eric to Rachel. I gave him props for following up that conversation by sitting Eric down and letting him know about that conversation. Iggy now has an issue with Josiah, for being kind of arrogant about winning the spelling bee. I think this had more to do with Josiah being a cocky drunk than anything else. Iggy started to get annoyed because Josiah was drunk and he wasn't. Iggy, dog, I've been there. But don't go trying to make it out to be something it's not. Now he's trying to act all high and mighty again, telling Josiah that he told Rachel he's causing tension in the house. This leads to Josiah, being the cocky drunk he is, blabbing to America about Iggy "shooting steroids in his nuts." Weird comeback, Josiah, but we'll allow it. So much for leaving the drama in Los Angeles.

Now back to our other beef: Lee vs. Kenny. Lee tells Rachel that Kenny was acting aggressive. Rachel asks Kenny if he was aggressive. Kenny says yes, but not to the level Lee made it appear. Rachel doesn't seem to buy Kenny's response, so now he feels he needs to pull Lee aside and get aggressive with him again. 

Nope.

To be continued.....



Monday, June 5, 2017

Bachelorette Season 13, Episode 3: Keep my Name OUT YO' MOUTH!

DeMario's back to try and angle for a spot on Bachelor Pad everyone...but really all I want to talk about is the fact that Rachel dated KEVIN DURANT.


So fellas, you think you're more interesting than me?
I mean, how do you handle that situation? You're competing with twenty or so dudes for Rachel's heart, but you also have to stack up to Kevin Freaking Durant? That's a lot of pressure. Too much for me, I know that. I would 100% be the guy that was always saying things like "yeah, but did Kevin Durant ever make you laugh like this?" or "how often did you have to just sit in the bleachers and wait for Kevin while he shot free throws after practice?" or "are you still on good enough terms with him to get us tickets?" I'd be gone in about thirty minutes.

DeMario tries to regain himself by saying things like "I told my Uber driver I was coming to get the girl of my dreams. And he told me to not take no for an answer." Well if your Uber driver said it.....seriously, are Uber drivers the new bartenders? People with absolutely no context on the situation that nonetheless are constantly solicited for affirmation and advice? Rachel shuts him down pretty hard, saying "you're a boy, I got me some men, good luck on your journey." Honestly, I hope that's the end of it. I guess congratulations are in order for Rachel for not dragging out this situation any longer than it needed to be.

The guys are effusive in their praise for Rachel's handling of the situation, with Adam saying that "she's not a fool, you can't pull the wool over her eyes..." except DeMario absolutely was pulling the wool over her eyes until his girlfriend blew up his spot.  I mean....that's not exactly what pulling the wool over someone's eyes means. (Later in the episode, Rachel will refer to DeMario as a wolf in sheep's clothing, which seems like she thought the wool was pulled over her own eyes.)

The Tickle-Monster has some comically large fake hands that work as a great conversation starter, but I feel like an easy Donald Trump joke was missed in there.

And now we're back to Blake vs. Whaboom. We're all still in agreement that neither of these guys are going to win right? So why are we investing any time in either of these goofballs. Rachel asks Whaboom why Blake is all mad at him, and Whaboom goes into some story about Blake licking a banana seductively over Lucas' bed while he sleeps. It seemed blatantly obvious to me that Lucas was making this story up to try and be funny, but everyone seemed to take it seriously, which....that guy is never serious. Why would we choose this story to be engaged in?

When Rachel asks Blake why Lucas is saying he stands over him while he sleeps and eats bananas, Blake says "well, that's clearly not true, I don't eat carbs." Yes, please refute the less creepy of the two accusations. Mercifully we get to a rose ceremony that will hopefully remove one or both of these guys from the equation and banana-gate will end here and now.

THEY'RE BOTH GONE!

 Oh wait no. We're going to get four minutes of them yelling at each other about they are ruining each other's lives in the driveway.  Neither of them really do themselves any favors, though I did laugh at Blake's "wakka wakka unhh unhh fart joke" blast....albeit mostly because I just felt sad for him.

Group date number one is a trip to see Ellen DeGeneres....which then turns into guys without shirts dancing for dollars with the Ellen Show crowd. WHY? WHY ARE WE DOING THIS? This does not give anyone any insight into who would make the best husband....and can you imagine if the Bachelor took his ladies to the Howard Stern show or something and had them dance in bikinis while a bunch of men shoved dollar bills in their pants? I mean, I get that the fact that these people are attractive and are in great shape is a key component of this show, but c'mon.

They then play "Never Have I Ever" with Ellen, which goes about how you think it would, except for the fact that Fred is awesome. Fred is sick and tired of being told that he "was a bad kid," which I totally get. I mean, when I was a kid, I was....well nevermind, I'm exactly the same. But the point is that Fred hasn't done anything since he's been on the show to give anyone the impression he's an attention hog or interested in causing a ruckus. Give the man the benefit of the doubt, Rach!

....And then we get a montage of Fred saying how anxious and impatient he is to kiss her, and I'm dreading this is going to go horribly wrong.  Fred than asks if he can kiss her, and she's not feeling it. Fred gets super excited about it, and Rachel has nothing to say about it...until she calls him to the side and kicks him off. Adding insult to injury, Rachel says that "it was like a little boy kissing me." Holy crap I feel terrible for Fred. He generally seems like a good dude. A little harsh of Rachel to hold the rose the whole time she's kicking him off the show.

Fred says "I can honestly say that I was falling in love with her." HOW? I mean, at what point did she give him any impression she was interested in him? I guess it depends on what "falling in love" means. I suppose the older you are, the easier it is to determine what love is. In 3rd Grade, I think I convinced myself that I was in love with the girl who knew exactly when to say "Stop! Hammertime" in MC Hammer's "U Can't Touch This." However, I think even at that young age, I knew that she didn't feel my ability to sing along with Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" was nearly as cool, and as such I admired her from a non-creepy distance (at least I think it was non-creepy.) I think my final answer is that love is not a one-sided emotion, but I'd be curious to see what other people think about this.

What is love?

Meanwhile, Rachel went on a whole date with Anthony that involved riding horses down Rodeo Drive. They rode them into stores, fed the horses cupcakes, and one of the horses pooped. Anthony got the rose. This date was super boring.

Group date involves other girls that were dumped by Nick (Raven, Alexis, Corinne, Jasmine) getting some more screen time, and random women at a country bar screaming things like "show me your junk" and "let me see that butt," while the men mud wrestle. Raven is all over finding out who the other guys don't think is right for Rachel, which is a good question to ask other women, but when you ask a guy, they're going to hear "which dude do you not get along with?" Eric seems to rub the guys the wrong way, and Lee and Bryce both jump at the chance to throw him under the bus.

Rachel, of course, is all too willing to let Eric know exactly which guys talked behind his back. Add this to the growing list of things I don't like about Rachel:
  • Use of the term "keeping it 100."
  • Talking to the camera about how the guys need to step it up because of the accelerated journey, then telling them that she's "not about to rush things with any of them."\
Ok, so it's a short list so far, but it seems to get longer with every episode.

Lee has a very condescending conversation with Eric, where he continues to tell Eric how much he loves him while simultaneously questioning everything that comes out of his mouth. Lee is annoying, but I get why Eric rubs everyone the wrong way. He's one of those people that is just so serious it seems like he can't actually be that serious and is just acting serious.

Iggy apparently also has an issue with Eric, and uses his time with Rachel to tell her about their argument, which I think had something to do with Eric wondering how seriously Rachel was taking this process. Now, props to Iggy for immediately searching out Eric and giving him the heads up.

Rachel then goes after Eric, and tells him that she believes him, but she also has to take into account what the other people are saying so she's "got her antenna up."

Amazingly, Eric disregards this warning from Rachel altogether and immediately calls a group meeting to start yelling at people. All he's gotta do is lay low, shrug it off and wait to get a little more one-on-one time with Rachel.  Instead, he starts yelling.  Unbelievable. He's gonna be the first person to get a rose yanked, and I can't really say that he'd have anyone to blame but himself.

TO BE CONTINUED




Monday, May 29, 2017

Bachelorette Season 13, Week 2: BBQ, Babies, Barkfest and Basketball

Happy Memorial Day, America! Please take a moment to remember all those who lost their lives so that we could have a TV show where a woman dates 30 men at the same time, kisses about half of them, sleeps with three to five, and then gets engaged to one before dumping him and dating six more guys in Mexico next summer.  God bless you all.

Rachel's gimpy dog is a good metaphor for the guys on this show: They're good looking, happy, and will follow Rachel anywhere, but there's just something not quite right about them.

The first group date involves a cookout with drinks in fancy copper cups. Whaboom Lucas is wearing some sunglasses that look like he got them for twenty skee-ball tickets at Bullwinkles. He continues to be as annoying as possible.

Oh look, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are here! Apparently Ashton's Netflix show isn't doing well, and Bad Mom's 2 isn't getting off the ground.  The guys are freaking out about changing a diaper like they're disarming an IED in Kandahar. "Anything for Rachel!" Iggy gushes.  Changing your hypothetical wife's fake baby's diaper is not exactly what Meatloaf had in mind when he said that he would do "anything for love." At least I don't think so.

Rachel says she's looking for a guy that can handle everyday things that may come up in their life. These everyday things include two mega-celebrities putting them through an obstacle course involving changing the diaper on a doll, unclogging two different drains, vacuuming while wearing a baby on your chest, and setting the dinner table and making sure "it matches." I have no idea it means to match a dinner table, Ashton Kutcher.

Furthermore, this whole obstacle course thing is bullshit. NO WIFE WANTS A HUSBAND THAT CUTS CORNERS AND DOES CHORES THE FASTEST. If you do one little thing wrong or out of order, you're just creating more work for your wife. You all fail.

Also, there is far too much baby-spiking going on. Dolls are hitting the ground left and right.  That's not funny. Nobody thinks it's funny to harm a fake baby. It's like throwing darts at a picture of the Pope - you just don't do it.

Lucas gets his one-on-one time first, and he really tones down the whaboominess.  He even reads her a terrible poem that includes the word "entile." Blake has had enough of Lucas, and of course he's had an "encounter" with Lucas before. I'm wondering if that had to do with Blake losing a girl to Lucas because he's a stick in the mud, and Lucas is entertaining.

Turns out, Blake lives with Lucas' ex-girlfriend. I'm not sure that telling Rachel this was Blake's best strategy. If she's looking for husband material, a dude who is roommates with another girl is probably not the best candidate. I want to make a joke about this girl being Whaboomed, but I can't form anything coherent. And don't you think little interviews with ex-girlfriends of the contestants would be a gold mine? I'd love it if a guy was talking to Rachel and said "I really love giving massages" followed immediately by a smash-cut to his ex-girlfriend saying "that guy NEVER gave me a massage. He would rub my back for five seconds and then kiss me on the head and roll over and go to sleep."

Peter's date involves a private jet to Palm Springs for a dog party. A PARTY FOR DOGS. Rachel refers to her dog Copper as her "dog child." I'm respectful of people who love their pets. I get it. Dogs are awesome. I just don't get it when you treat a dog like a person. Throwing a birthday party for a dog....I'm ok with that. Any excuse to have other people over for a BBQ or a party is fine with me, but when you invite other dogs and put hats on them and sing happy birthday and bake your dog a cake...that's too much. That's the kind of people I felt were at "Barkfest." There's a pool for dogs. There's a photobooth - for dogs. Rachel leaves her "dog child" unattended in a swimming pool while she schmoozes with Pete....not very motherly. Also, the dog's cast has sequins, and I hate everything now.

Having a gap in your teeth adds character? At first I thought this was a ridiculous thing to say, but taking a step back, as someone with premature gray hair that never thought about dyeing it because it wouldn't be me, I can kinda get on board with this. These gap-toothed people have their heads on straight. Pete's my new front-runner.

Kareem Abdul Jabaar is here for the group date! This is a man who was named a cultural ambassador for the United States! This show can truly make anyone act like an idiot. You'll be surprised to learn that most of these guys are terrible at basketball. The only guy who has even a little bit of game is DeMario, and his team lost.  This is a bad sign for him. When you're the best player out there and you can't pull your team to a win in a game against other chumps....this does not speak well to your character.

Speaking of game, however, it turns out DeMario had a girlfriend right up until he went on the Bachelorette! Hilarity ensues when DeMario sees his ex and immediately recognizes her and says "ohhhh who is this?" He's not fooling anyone. He then tries to downplay the relationship, but his ex is having none of it. She's ready to swear "on her father's grave" that DeMario never dumped her. The most important thing to DeMario is not Rachel right now. It's his image.

Then we get Rachel telling us how she's "keeping it 100" and this isn't a game for her. The guys, rather than being thrilled that a guy who looked like a front runner twenty minutes ago just sabotaged himself, instead are acting like they're pissed off DeMario lied to them. I don't get how this makes sense, but ok. Rachel talks about how she needs to look past the charm and see what these guys true character is, then gives Josiah the rose after he gives like the schmooziest charmy smarm speech about how much it hurts him to see her hurting. It hurts me to see you act like this, Rachel.

DeMario's back! He's hanging out in the street begging for another chance, but it's still about restoring his character. You've gotta admire the lengths he's willing to go to try to come off looking good in this situation. It's also pretty cute that the guys don't think security and Rachel can handle DeMario without their assistance.

TO BE CONTINUED