Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Bachelorette Season 13, Week 4: Race to the Bottom

The good thing about a week off from the Bachelorette is that I get a week off from getting worked up about a bunch of guys I shouldn't care about.  The bad thing is that I forget about the cliffhanger drama and just assume it's all over and done with.

But no, here we are talking about Lee and Eric.....still. Lee is an idiot. Lee has to explain that his grandfather getting cancer was sad. Nobody has to explain cancer is sad. Lee uses a knife that his grandfather carried with him to carve the word "enchanting" in a piece of wood that looks pretty much like the handwriting Andy used when putting his name on Buzz and Woody's feet. Lee sucks. Eric is pretentious and annoying, but Lee truly sucks.

Bryan and Rachel have a conversation that includes all the hottest buzzwords: vulnerable, future, drama, charming, 100% real....we've got #bachelorettebingo! There's no 50/50 pot at this bingo game, so they settle for aggressive kissing.

Lee continues to patronize every guy in the house. Kenny's pissed off because Lee interrupted him. Lee decides that the best way to deal with an angry person is to laugh at them, which sounds like a great way to get punched. Rachel is having a hard time talking to Bryce, whom I will henceforth refer to as Poor Man's Wolverine.

One of my favorite things about this season has been the fact that nobody has mentioned race, despite this being the most racially diverse cast ever. It hadn't been mentioned, that is...until now. Rachel somehow thinks that the guys arguing means that people are going to blame her race for the drama. I honestly don't get this line of thinking. There has been much bigger drama on this show between an all white cast. I'm guessing she thinks that people will not just see it as "drama," but as "black person drama." She said that she's getting pressure from all sides....about what? Who is pressuring her? I don't think I've seen one negative thing about her online yet. People (and by people, I mean fans of the show) generally love her and see her as one of the "best" bachelorettes in the show's history. She's straight forward, she commands the room, and she's not just sitting around waiting for the guys to fight over her. Just frustrating to me.

Now we've got a rose ceremony that nobody really cares about. They already 86'ed the kooky dude, so you know the only other villain they have (Lee) is safe. Anyone who they've invested any time in showing on TV is also safe. In the end, it's Diggy and Poor Man's Wolverine who leave. I don't get sending Diggy home, he seemed like a pretty chill dude.

Rachel then toasts the remaining guys, saying that she hopes they can move forward with no drama and negativity. This coming from someone who kept Lee around. The Bachelor franchise is just a giant manifestation of that girl in high school who would get drunk and make out with her best friend's boyfriend at a party and then cry about how she's "so sick of drama" when people get mad at her for it.

Time for the show to leave LA (but not the drama) behind, and head to South Carolina. Dean, a life-sized, animatronic Ken doll, gets the first date. They park a jeep in a field and drink champagne on the hood before a blimp appears on the horizon. You'll never believe this, but Dean is afraid of heights. Conveniently for ABC producers, a blimp crashed and burst into flames at the US Open which you gotta admit is some pretty convenient timing for them. Miraculously, Dean is able to overcome his fear of heights to pilot the blimp and make Rachel feel like she was the one to give him the courage to ride in a goddamn blimp. The blimp cockpit is basically a glass bubble that made me nervous watching it on TV from my couch, so I have a hard time believing anyone with a true phobia of heights would be calm at all in an actual blimp.

Of course, the blimp does a fly-by of the resort the guys are staying at, and of course they're all out on the balcony as it comes into view. The side of the blimp says "Dean and Rachel are in here," and this pisses Eric off to no end. "I can tell they're having a good time," he moans, as he plots a way to get that blimp on the ground.

Anyone seen Eric?
After the blimp lands (safely), Dean and Rachel talk about their upbringings.  Rachel's parents are still married, which leads Dean to say "that's really rare these days." A great conversation to have with a woman you want to marry (in theory, at least). He then divulges the sad story of his mom dying of breast cancer 11 years ago, and that apparently this is the first time he's talked about it. IN ELEVEN YEARS. If you go eleven years holding your feelings about your mom's death inside...there is no way you're a functioning member of society. You need therapy, Dean!

Group date time! They take a yacht. "Feel free to take your shirts off," Rachel croons, as she makes no attempt to shed any clothing herself. (#doublestandard) The date includes "competitions like limbo, pushups, and a rap battle. This concludes with a spelling bee. I'm already annoyed. Spelling is not something that's hard...if you do things like, oh, I don't know, READ. You read a book, it's got words, you see the words, and pretty soon, they look familiar, and damnit, then you know how to spell them.

I have to give credit though, they didn't give the guys simple words. I was anticipating guys going out on words like "utility" or "phony," not "boutonniere." Seriously, how many people have ever seen the word boutonniere written before? You hear the word two or three times in high school, and that's about it. Tough break for the guy who got that word. Josiah ends up winning, spelling the word "polyamorous."

Now, let's talk about Iggy. Last time we saw Iggy, he was talking about Eric to Rachel. I gave him props for following up that conversation by sitting Eric down and letting him know about that conversation. Iggy now has an issue with Josiah, for being kind of arrogant about winning the spelling bee. I think this had more to do with Josiah being a cocky drunk than anything else. Iggy started to get annoyed because Josiah was drunk and he wasn't. Iggy, dog, I've been there. But don't go trying to make it out to be something it's not. Now he's trying to act all high and mighty again, telling Josiah that he told Rachel he's causing tension in the house. This leads to Josiah, being the cocky drunk he is, blabbing to America about Iggy "shooting steroids in his nuts." Weird comeback, Josiah, but we'll allow it. So much for leaving the drama in Los Angeles.

Now back to our other beef: Lee vs. Kenny. Lee tells Rachel that Kenny was acting aggressive. Rachel asks Kenny if he was aggressive. Kenny says yes, but not to the level Lee made it appear. Rachel doesn't seem to buy Kenny's response, so now he feels he needs to pull Lee aside and get aggressive with him again. 


To be continued.....

Monday, June 5, 2017

Bachelorette Season 13, Episode 3: Keep my Name OUT YO' MOUTH!

DeMario's back to try and angle for a spot on Bachelor Pad everyone...but really all I want to talk about is the fact that Rachel dated KEVIN DURANT.

So fellas, you think you're more interesting than me?
I mean, how do you handle that situation? You're competing with twenty or so dudes for Rachel's heart, but you also have to stack up to Kevin Freaking Durant? That's a lot of pressure. Too much for me, I know that. I would 100% be the guy that was always saying things like "yeah, but did Kevin Durant ever make you laugh like this?" or "how often did you have to just sit in the bleachers and wait for Kevin while he shot free throws after practice?" or "are you still on good enough terms with him to get us tickets?" I'd be gone in about thirty minutes.

DeMario tries to regain himself by saying things like "I told my Uber driver I was coming to get the girl of my dreams. And he told me to not take no for an answer." Well if your Uber driver said it.....seriously, are Uber drivers the new bartenders? People with absolutely no context on the situation that nonetheless are constantly solicited for affirmation and advice? Rachel shuts him down pretty hard, saying "you're a boy, I got me some men, good luck on your journey." Honestly, I hope that's the end of it. I guess congratulations are in order for Rachel for not dragging out this situation any longer than it needed to be.

The guys are effusive in their praise for Rachel's handling of the situation, with Adam saying that "she's not a fool, you can't pull the wool over her eyes..." except DeMario absolutely was pulling the wool over her eyes until his girlfriend blew up his spot.  I mean....that's not exactly what pulling the wool over someone's eyes means. (Later in the episode, Rachel will refer to DeMario as a wolf in sheep's clothing, which seems like she thought the wool was pulled over her own eyes.)

The Tickle-Monster has some comically large fake hands that work as a great conversation starter, but I feel like an easy Donald Trump joke was missed in there.

And now we're back to Blake vs. Whaboom. We're all still in agreement that neither of these guys are going to win right? So why are we investing any time in either of these goofballs. Rachel asks Whaboom why Blake is all mad at him, and Whaboom goes into some story about Blake licking a banana seductively over Lucas' bed while he sleeps. It seemed blatantly obvious to me that Lucas was making this story up to try and be funny, but everyone seemed to take it seriously, which....that guy is never serious. Why would we choose this story to be engaged in?

When Rachel asks Blake why Lucas is saying he stands over him while he sleeps and eats bananas, Blake says "well, that's clearly not true, I don't eat carbs." Yes, please refute the less creepy of the two accusations. Mercifully we get to a rose ceremony that will hopefully remove one or both of these guys from the equation and banana-gate will end here and now.


 Oh wait no. We're going to get four minutes of them yelling at each other about they are ruining each other's lives in the driveway.  Neither of them really do themselves any favors, though I did laugh at Blake's "wakka wakka unhh unhh fart joke" blast....albeit mostly because I just felt sad for him.

Group date number one is a trip to see Ellen DeGeneres....which then turns into guys without shirts dancing for dollars with the Ellen Show crowd. WHY? WHY ARE WE DOING THIS? This does not give anyone any insight into who would make the best husband....and can you imagine if the Bachelor took his ladies to the Howard Stern show or something and had them dance in bikinis while a bunch of men shoved dollar bills in their pants? I mean, I get that the fact that these people are attractive and are in great shape is a key component of this show, but c'mon.

They then play "Never Have I Ever" with Ellen, which goes about how you think it would, except for the fact that Fred is awesome. Fred is sick and tired of being told that he "was a bad kid," which I totally get. I mean, when I was a kid, I was....well nevermind, I'm exactly the same. But the point is that Fred hasn't done anything since he's been on the show to give anyone the impression he's an attention hog or interested in causing a ruckus. Give the man the benefit of the doubt, Rach!

....And then we get a montage of Fred saying how anxious and impatient he is to kiss her, and I'm dreading this is going to go horribly wrong.  Fred than asks if he can kiss her, and she's not feeling it. Fred gets super excited about it, and Rachel has nothing to say about it...until she calls him to the side and kicks him off. Adding insult to injury, Rachel says that "it was like a little boy kissing me." Holy crap I feel terrible for Fred. He generally seems like a good dude. A little harsh of Rachel to hold the rose the whole time she's kicking him off the show.

Fred says "I can honestly say that I was falling in love with her." HOW? I mean, at what point did she give him any impression she was interested in him? I guess it depends on what "falling in love" means. I suppose the older you are, the easier it is to determine what love is. In 3rd Grade, I think I convinced myself that I was in love with the girl who knew exactly when to say "Stop! Hammertime" in MC Hammer's "U Can't Touch This." However, I think even at that young age, I knew that she didn't feel my ability to sing along with Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" was nearly as cool, and as such I admired her from a non-creepy distance (at least I think it was non-creepy.) I think my final answer is that love is not a one-sided emotion, but I'd be curious to see what other people think about this.

What is love?

Meanwhile, Rachel went on a whole date with Anthony that involved riding horses down Rodeo Drive. They rode them into stores, fed the horses cupcakes, and one of the horses pooped. Anthony got the rose. This date was super boring.

Group date involves other girls that were dumped by Nick (Raven, Alexis, Corinne, Jasmine) getting some more screen time, and random women at a country bar screaming things like "show me your junk" and "let me see that butt," while the men mud wrestle. Raven is all over finding out who the other guys don't think is right for Rachel, which is a good question to ask other women, but when you ask a guy, they're going to hear "which dude do you not get along with?" Eric seems to rub the guys the wrong way, and Lee and Bryce both jump at the chance to throw him under the bus.

Rachel, of course, is all too willing to let Eric know exactly which guys talked behind his back. Add this to the growing list of things I don't like about Rachel:
  • Use of the term "keeping it 100."
  • Talking to the camera about how the guys need to step it up because of the accelerated journey, then telling them that she's "not about to rush things with any of them."\
Ok, so it's a short list so far, but it seems to get longer with every episode.

Lee has a very condescending conversation with Eric, where he continues to tell Eric how much he loves him while simultaneously questioning everything that comes out of his mouth. Lee is annoying, but I get why Eric rubs everyone the wrong way. He's one of those people that is just so serious it seems like he can't actually be that serious and is just acting serious.

Iggy apparently also has an issue with Eric, and uses his time with Rachel to tell her about their argument, which I think had something to do with Eric wondering how seriously Rachel was taking this process. Now, props to Iggy for immediately searching out Eric and giving him the heads up.

Rachel then goes after Eric, and tells him that she believes him, but she also has to take into account what the other people are saying so she's "got her antenna up."

Amazingly, Eric disregards this warning from Rachel altogether and immediately calls a group meeting to start yelling at people. All he's gotta do is lay low, shrug it off and wait to get a little more one-on-one time with Rachel.  Instead, he starts yelling.  Unbelievable. He's gonna be the first person to get a rose yanked, and I can't really say that he'd have anyone to blame but himself.


Monday, May 29, 2017

Bachelorette Season 13, Week 2: BBQ, Babies, Barkfest and Basketball

Happy Memorial Day, America! Please take a moment to remember all those who lost their lives so that we could have a TV show where a woman dates 30 men at the same time, kisses about half of them, sleeps with three to five, and then gets engaged to one before dumping him and dating six more guys in Mexico next summer.  God bless you all.

Rachel's gimpy dog is a good metaphor for the guys on this show: They're good looking, happy, and will follow Rachel anywhere, but there's just something not quite right about them.

The first group date involves a cookout with drinks in fancy copper cups. Whaboom Lucas is wearing some sunglasses that look like he got them for twenty skee-ball tickets at Bullwinkles. He continues to be as annoying as possible.

Oh look, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are here! Apparently Ashton's Netflix show isn't doing well, and Bad Mom's 2 isn't getting off the ground.  The guys are freaking out about changing a diaper like they're disarming an IED in Kandahar. "Anything for Rachel!" Iggy gushes.  Changing your hypothetical wife's fake baby's diaper is not exactly what Meatloaf had in mind when he said that he would do "anything for love." At least I don't think so.

Rachel says she's looking for a guy that can handle everyday things that may come up in their life. These everyday things include two mega-celebrities putting them through an obstacle course involving changing the diaper on a doll, unclogging two different drains, vacuuming while wearing a baby on your chest, and setting the dinner table and making sure "it matches." I have no idea it means to match a dinner table, Ashton Kutcher.

Furthermore, this whole obstacle course thing is bullshit. NO WIFE WANTS A HUSBAND THAT CUTS CORNERS AND DOES CHORES THE FASTEST. If you do one little thing wrong or out of order, you're just creating more work for your wife. You all fail.

Also, there is far too much baby-spiking going on. Dolls are hitting the ground left and right.  That's not funny. Nobody thinks it's funny to harm a fake baby. It's like throwing darts at a picture of the Pope - you just don't do it.

Lucas gets his one-on-one time first, and he really tones down the whaboominess.  He even reads her a terrible poem that includes the word "entile." Blake has had enough of Lucas, and of course he's had an "encounter" with Lucas before. I'm wondering if that had to do with Blake losing a girl to Lucas because he's a stick in the mud, and Lucas is entertaining.

Turns out, Blake lives with Lucas' ex-girlfriend. I'm not sure that telling Rachel this was Blake's best strategy. If she's looking for husband material, a dude who is roommates with another girl is probably not the best candidate. I want to make a joke about this girl being Whaboomed, but I can't form anything coherent. And don't you think little interviews with ex-girlfriends of the contestants would be a gold mine? I'd love it if a guy was talking to Rachel and said "I really love giving massages" followed immediately by a smash-cut to his ex-girlfriend saying "that guy NEVER gave me a massage. He would rub my back for five seconds and then kiss me on the head and roll over and go to sleep."

Peter's date involves a private jet to Palm Springs for a dog party. A PARTY FOR DOGS. Rachel refers to her dog Copper as her "dog child." I'm respectful of people who love their pets. I get it. Dogs are awesome. I just don't get it when you treat a dog like a person. Throwing a birthday party for a dog....I'm ok with that. Any excuse to have other people over for a BBQ or a party is fine with me, but when you invite other dogs and put hats on them and sing happy birthday and bake your dog a cake...that's too much. That's the kind of people I felt were at "Barkfest." There's a pool for dogs. There's a photobooth - for dogs. Rachel leaves her "dog child" unattended in a swimming pool while she schmoozes with Pete....not very motherly. Also, the dog's cast has sequins, and I hate everything now.

Having a gap in your teeth adds character? At first I thought this was a ridiculous thing to say, but taking a step back, as someone with premature gray hair that never thought about dyeing it because it wouldn't be me, I can kinda get on board with this. These gap-toothed people have their heads on straight. Pete's my new front-runner.

Kareem Abdul Jabaar is here for the group date! This is a man who was named a cultural ambassador for the United States! This show can truly make anyone act like an idiot. You'll be surprised to learn that most of these guys are terrible at basketball. The only guy who has even a little bit of game is DeMario, and his team lost.  This is a bad sign for him. When you're the best player out there and you can't pull your team to a win in a game against other chumps....this does not speak well to your character.

Speaking of game, however, it turns out DeMario had a girlfriend right up until he went on the Bachelorette! Hilarity ensues when DeMario sees his ex and immediately recognizes her and says "ohhhh who is this?" He's not fooling anyone. He then tries to downplay the relationship, but his ex is having none of it. She's ready to swear "on her father's grave" that DeMario never dumped her. The most important thing to DeMario is not Rachel right now. It's his image.

Then we get Rachel telling us how she's "keeping it 100" and this isn't a game for her. The guys, rather than being thrilled that a guy who looked like a front runner twenty minutes ago just sabotaged himself, instead are acting like they're pissed off DeMario lied to them. I don't get how this makes sense, but ok. Rachel talks about how she needs to look past the charm and see what these guys true character is, then gives Josiah the rose after he gives like the schmooziest charmy smarm speech about how much it hurts him to see her hurting. It hurts me to see you act like this, Rachel.

DeMario's back! He's hanging out in the street begging for another chance, but it's still about restoring his character. You've gotta admire the lengths he's willing to go to try to come off looking good in this situation. It's also pretty cute that the guys don't think security and Rachel can handle DeMario without their assistance.


Monday, May 22, 2017

Bachelorette Season 13, Episode 1: C'mon Rach!

Well, we're here for the Jackie Robinson of Bachelorettes, Rachel! I'm actually wondering if Jackie Robinson's name is brought up this season, which I think might be a bit of an insult to Jackie Robinson. Like Mr. Robinson, Rachel is the first of her race to do something. Unlike Jackie Robinson, I don't think people are throwing stuff at her bus, refusing to work with her, sending her death threats, or anything nearly on level with what Jackie Robinson went through. It's like calling the kid who stages a protest for third graders to be able to use the soccer field at recess the Martin Luther King Jr. of Oak Grove Elementary.

So we start with our totally unoriginal segment of Rachel and her life.  She's still claiming to be a trial attorney, even though we know she's been doing reality tv for over 9 months now. I about died when we see a clip of her "in action" in the courtroom and she objects based on "speculation" and side-eyes the other attorneys as the "judge" says "sustained." Do lawyers throw shade in the courtroom often? If so, I need to go to more trials.

On to the guys...let's see what we got:
  • single dad pro wrestler
  • 31 year old lawyer whose mom died 15 years ago and is now forced to wander through the park with his labradoodle.
  • A bench pressing Russian computer coder who is definitely going to be getting a call from the FBi
  • A Bay Area start up guy who has dance parties with about thirty of his family members all the time
  • The Whaboom guy (holy hell)
  • A guy who claims he's super horny because he works out all the time and talks about sex all the time
  • Diggy the fashion dude with enough shoes to fill an entire house
  • A prosecuting attorney whose brother killed himself and claims he cut his brother's lifeless body down from a tree as a seven year old, and was saved by an attorney who told him he "had the best grades"
Now we get all the girls who were dumped by Nick to advise Rachel on who she should date and how she should do it. They all end up talking about how much they love each other and how much they mean to each other and there are tears and champagne and then it's time for the driveway first impressions.

The first limo includes:
  • Peter, who introduces himself as "from Wisconsin, but not Nick!"
  • Josiah, who opts not to bring up his brother's suicide, but opts for lame legal term
  • Brian, who goes with some Spanish and then says "have you ever dated a Colombian guy?"
  • Kenny, the pro wrestler who calls her "Pretty Rachel" and goes from some dance moves
There are some other guys who don't get much airtime: A firefighter who picks her up, a guy who goes with an Urkel themed ice breaker, Diggy says he hopes he can teach her to Diggy, another guy asks if he can show her his buns (a Jamaican pastry), and a guy who smashes some ice with a sledgehammer, and the guys who already got to meet her at After the Final Rose.

Fred, who was a third grader at the same school when Rachel was an eighth grader, A guy who describes himself as a tickle monster, and then a whole bunch of gimmiky guys who show up with a dummy, a vaccuum cleaner, a penguin suit, an ambulance, and a few more guys who  play it fairly straight.

And now we're at the point where the guys all start to realize they aren't the only man on the show and multiple guys say things like "yo there's a lot of dudes here." Whaboom shows up and he's the worst. I'll bet the Tickle Monster is happy he showed up though - it's always nice to know you're not the weirdest person in the room.

ABC went and made a whole thing out of the guy bringing a creepy dummy version of himself. They gave the dummy a French voice, posed him by the fire with a champagne flute, and all sorts of stuff. I felt like it needed to be acknowledged, but I hated every second of it, and that's all I want to say about it.

Bryan speaks some more Spanish and then aggressively attacks her face with his mouth. She digs it. Rachel likes where DeMario's "headspace" is. I don't know what this means.

Hilarity ensues when the guys start stacking up five deep to talk to her. I actually laughed out loud when one guy interrupted her, only to be interrupted immediately by another guy who says "he just wanted to let you know that I wanted tot talk to you."

Blake has had enough of Whaboom. "Lucas is like the guy at the family reunion who always pinches your nipples and puts a whoopee cushion under your seat," he whines. I don't know about you, but there is nobody like that at my family reunions. There's nobody like that at your family reunions. Blake's family sounds terrible.

Blake then doubles down by lecturing Whaboom Lucas about his motives. Blake then tells the camera that he believes good triumphs over evil, but if the girl picks evil, well then he's not backing down. So....if she doesn't pick him, he's going to not accept that and make her mind up for her? Good luck with that strategy, Blake.

Brian gets the first date rose, and celebrates by using his tongue to clean her esophagus.  Calling him an aggressive kisser is like calling Lionel Messi a good soccer player or saying Adele's voice is decent.

In the end, a bunch of dudes go home, and a bunch of dudes stay, including Whaboom, which, incidentally, is the sound a fist makes when it connects with his face.

Monday, March 13, 2017

Bachelor Season Finale: It's So Hard to Say Goodbye

Damnit, I couldn't stay away. With as craptastic as this season has been, I figured I'd wrap it up with a little recap of the finale.  If you made it this far into the season, congratulations.  It's been a real rough road with brief moments of enjoyment, such as Rachel being an honest to God likeable human being, Corinne's juvenile antics, and Jasmine's brief break with reality when she threatened to choke-hump Nick and got a ticket home.

Anyways, I sort of made it through the Women Tell All last week, but I can't tell if the show is getting worse because I've finally reached the Roger Murtaugh age or because the show just stopped trying. The entire episode was just one woman after another blaming other people for their own faults or turning their battle in the house with the other ladies into some sort of metaphor for the increasingly adversarial nature of our entire society. Liz surmised that the girls weren't mad at her because she bragged about having sex with the guy they were dating at "Jade and Tanner's wedding" (yeah, I said it, DRINK!)....it was because of the political climate, and at a time like this, women need to be supporting each other and standing together, even if they did sleep with your boyfriend. Taylor seemed to think that her career had been damaged because the other women said mean stuff about her, not because she said mean stuff about them and acted like she was too good to be on a show that she willingly signed up for. Corinne claimed she never said anything bad about anyone in the house, then qualified it by saying that other people said bad stuff about her first, so anything she said after that was completely fine. Jasmine seemed to sum the whole season up in one sentence: "we all call each other bitches."

Ok, so now onto the finale.  We're left with Raven and Vanessa.  Does he pick Raven, the girl from Hoxie, Arkansas (population 2,680) or Vanessa, the headstrong Canadian who, when asked about what things she is unwilling to compromise about, says "Sunday dinners with my family." Not her religion, not having kids, not drugs.....no she's unwilling to sacrifice a dinner with her family on Sunday for her husband.  I remember how important spending Christmas Day with my mom's family was to me...until I got married and realized that if it was important to me, it was probably equally as important to my wife to spend Christmas with her family, and OH MY GOD WE COMPROMISED.

Anyways, we're in Finland, and Nick's whole family has been flown in, including his super awesome little sister Bella. We're reminded a thousand times how in love with Andi and Kaitlyn Nick was, and how he's worried it won't work out again.  The only difference this time is that there are no other options for his love interests, something this show conveniently has forgotten all season. I think it's 100% evident to everyone that either woman would say yes if he proposed, so I'm not sure what his doubts are.

Nick bravely tells us that he's willing to risk proposing again, and I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact ABC would basically sue the hell out of him if he didn't see this through. Nonetheless, we get to hear his family tell us for the millionth time "the girls could say no," and "given Nick's track record....." despite the fact that BOTH GIRLS HAVE TOLD HIS FAMILY THAT THEY LOVE NICK AND WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF THEIR LIVES TOGETHER.

Vanessa is now talking to Nick's sister, and all of a sudden she's "open to compromise" and "would be willing to leave Montreal." God damnit, ABC.  That whole "we've gotta eat dinner every Sunday in Montreal" bullcrap was just a contrived storyline to create a conflict to make us think he might not pick Vanessa, and I fell for it the same way I fell for it when Brad Womack and Emily got in a huge disagreement in the fantasy suite about him not being ready to be a father. Lo and behold, he still picked Emily (and they broke up fairly shortly after.) I see the same thing happening with Nick now.....he'll pick Vanessa, and then they'll break up shortly thereafter.

There's lots of tears on Vanessa's visit with Nick's family. His mom gets teary eyed, his dad cries, Vanessa cries.......quick poll - how many of you cried with your in-laws before you got married when discussing your relationship with their son/daughter? Anyone?

You'll be shocked to learn that Nick's family thinks that both girls have a shot to be proposed to and that he has a connection with both of them. Nick's mom then says Raven was "too quick" to say she wants to be engaged to Nick.  Damn you Raven, you love my son too much! His mom then goes on to some sort of thing about how proposing is "a one time thing" which is hilarious because Nick has been engaged or nearly engaged like three or four times already. Nick's dad then says something about Nick being jilted at "the proposal altar" which ISN'T EVEN A THING! A proposal altar....get out of here with that nonsense.

Hilariously, this commercial break features a drug commercial where people are holding up paper plates with smiley faces in front of their faces to mask their depression, which seems like a fitting metaphor for anyone dating Nick Viall.

Nick has also set a record for straddle hugs, which I'm wondering if anyone over the age of 23 still does.

Situations that call for a straddle hug:
You're a teenager
You just got home from a tour in Afghanistan
You won the lottery
You're on the bachelor and it's been sixteen hours since you've seen your boyfriend because he's been having sex with another girl.

What the hell is Santa doing here? It's March! Everyone understands that this show airs in March, right? Nick asks Santa for love for Christmas, Vanessa asks for "happiness with the one I love." Vanessa then tells us how Santa is a metaphor for love, and then Santa gives them a gift with the symbol of fertility on it.  WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F*CK, SANTA??? If there is one thing I never want to associate Santa with, it's sex. Santa is way too closely associated with children for that nonsense.

We've now reached the portion of the date where Vanessa questions everything and makes us think there's no way she's ready to get engaged. Nick says he wants this to "feel like a love he's never felt before." Just stop, dude. You've been down this road at least twice before. You've told everyone at every turn that you were so confident going into Kaitlyn and Andi's final episodes that you were going to get engaged, so just stop with this "I know now what love is" garbage. He then tells Vanessa that he "needs to use this entire week" to figure out who to propose to.  He also says that if someone told him that he was going to face a lot of challenges and difficulties on his path to getting engaged and he still wanted to get engaged...that's pretty romantic.  Did he just give himself props for stringing Vanessa along? I sorta think so.  They cry together.

Chris Harrison pops in to ask us if we think Nick will "let America down." No pressure dude.

Raven comes in for a full-on hands-on-butt-cheeks straddle hug from Nick.  They ice skate together as we get serenaded by The Cranberries Sixpence None the Richer's "Kiss Me," which was released when Raven was six years old. They make out on the ice.  Nick has now laid Raven down in a muddy Arkansas bog and on a Finnish patch of ice.  What a gentleman.

Raven and Nick's date has a real playful vibe, and it really is starting to feel like Vanessa is his wife and Raven is the mistress he goes to see when things with his wife get "too real." ABC then decides to sledgehammer how young Raven is into her age by giving her the fantasy date of every kindergarten girl: Ice skating, hot cocoa and puppies!

Raven then uses "serious time" to tell Nick he doesn't need to worry, she's going to say yes if he proposes. Nick then says "more than any of the other girls, I knew I never had to worry about that with you." Because any time a girl brings up proposal, the first thing she wants to hear about are your other girlfriends, you douchenozzle. They do have a cute moment when they make fun of each others accents. You'd think it was a no doubter that he'd pick Raven, given that they laughed and kissed and had trouble saying goodbye to each other, whereas Vanessa's date ended in tears.  This mean's he's picking Vanessa.

Nick then has his reflective moments staring into the fire in a place called the "Bear's Den." As he sips his cocoa and stares into the flickering flames, who should appear but Santa!  Oh wait, he's already been here.  It's someone nearly as old and also someone I'll never associate with sex, Neil Lane! Neil walks him through getting a ring.  I wonder how many times Nick finished Neil's sentence during that conversation.  'This one here is a -" "princess cut.  I know Neil."

Nick's deliberation time is over, and he's breaking up with Raven. Of course.  ABC's going to get a much more heartbreaking reaction from the 25 year old small town dreamer than the 29 year old pragmatic Canadian.

Raven then gives some sort of prepared speech/vows that starts with "stepping out of the limo......" Nick, being the classy guy that he is, lets her get through the entire speech before blowing her out of the water. He compliments her to no end, and then says "I just don't know that I'm in love." In a twist, small town girl handles it way better than this blubbering idiot. He's crying talking about how great she is and what a mess he is. No girl wants to hear how hard it was on you to break her heart. No guy wants to hear that either, for that matter. He says "I'm going to miss you," and she politely smiles and says "I know." Nicely done, Raven.  Definitely the winner of this season, regardless of who gets the roses, rings, or future reality seasons.

Cue Raven in the van wondering if love will ever find her, and if it's possible that nobody can ever love her. So hyperbolic, these final exits are.

Vanessa walks in, and Nick tries to pull her in for a straddle hug, forgetting she's wearing a dress. No prepared speech from Vanessa, just break right into the proposal from Nick. Oh wait, after his speech about seeing her step out of the limo, we get to hear it again, but from her perspective! I'm so glad we get to hear about that moment again in the exact same terms!

I love that he proposes by opening the ring to the camera so we can see the Neil Lane name, rather than opening it towards Vanessa.  It's such a perfect TV moment.

And with that, The Bachelor is over, and the blog goes back into hibernation.....forever? We'll see.  Turns out I kind of miss doing this.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Bachelor Season 21, Episode 2: Miss Jackson if You're Nasty

Alright a day late (thanks, Clemson!) but let's do this, huh?

We start with Nick saying that he is "more confident than ever" that this experience will end with him falling in love. So, instead of you being one of thirty dudes, you're confident that when you get the pick of thirty women the odds are more in your favor?  Shocking.

Harrison calls the ladies together to discuss the format for the week: two group dates and a one-on-one.  Chris makes sure to let the ladies know that not all the girls will be going on dates,(apparently it's physically impossible for one man to go on 22 dates in a week, go figure) so they need to "take advantage of the time they do have." Translation: Be a whore. Chris, you dog you.

The group date starts with the girls piling into matching convertibles and then sprinting through a mansion trying to find Nick. I think this would be a great group date: The Bachelor is hiding somewhere in a house, and the first one to find him gets private time....only the house is booby trapped Kevin McAllister style. Good stuff.

The date involves the girls in wedding photo shoots. Of course the girls have outfits in various wedding themes that have to do with their personalities....Crazy dolphinshark gets to be a pregnant bride with a gun, Corinne, who fancies herself as some sort of sex panther gets a bikini, etc. Corinne says she can't wait to kiss Nick again, and Taylor somehow thinks this is directed towards her, because of her confidence and connection with Nick. Congrats Taylor, I somehow like you less than the obvious villain on the show.

Also, can we talk about the photographer, who looks like a toucan? Do we think he is actually a photographer, or is he an actor that has literally no clue what he's doing. I feel like any jamoke with an Canon EOS Rebel could take these pictures.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Liz is making vague statements about her past with Nick to the girls, but she's also telling the camera's that she met Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding for the 1,000th time. From now on, all you drinkers have to take a shot every time you hear "Jade and Tanner."

Corinne is not handling Nick having an "Adam & Eve" wedding with Brittney well. She thinks she's the sexy one and has to prove it by taking her top off and letting Nick sample the melons like he's shopping for breakfast at Safeway.  She asks him to "Janet Jackson" her, which is a 24 year old reference to the album cover for Janet Jackson's album, appropriately titled "Janet."

ABC had two options when choosing who would win the extra time with Nick tonight: pick literally any other girl and watch Corinne freak out, or pick Corinne and watch all the other girls freak out.  They chose quantity over quality and let Corinne have the extra time.  I guess this serves the double purpose of letting all the women know that taking your clothes off earns you extra time, and reinforces Harrison's "be a whore" pep talk from earlier in the night....way to be consistent, ABC

Corinne tells us that no one has ever held her boobs like that before, and no one ever will again.....I'm not sure what this means. Does it mean she thinks that her and Nick will be together forever, or that she only did that because she was on a TV show and was not about to go home before she got her time on screen.

Props to ABC again for editing Nick and Corinne's conversation to make it look like he says the only things that impress him about Corinne are her sexiness and impulsive behavior. This leads to lots of girls talking about their boobs and kissing him way before they should. Raven is trying a different tactic, trying to connect with him on an emotional level. They have a conversation about getting cheated on and how they have no regrets because they've always given their all to their relationships, which is total bullcrap, because nobody gives their all to every relationship all the time.  I know that in every relationship I had before I got married, I gave the relationship my total devotion for about a month or so, and then it was like "well, whatever happens, happens." I mean, right now, I'm blogging and watching the Bachelor in the dark downstairs by myself while my wife is upstairs.  Sure, I could be upstairs giving her pre-sleep backrub every night....but I'm not.  I guess I'm not giving my all to this relationship either....and if you're being honest with yourself, you're probably not giving your all in your current relationship, but go ahead and keep telling yourself that (#truthbomb).

Corinne continues to interrupt girls and dominate Nick's time, all the while being unapologetic about it.  We get our first "I'm not here to make friends" comment, as Corinne matter of factly tells the ladies that if they couldn't handle being interrupted, they shouldn't have gone on The Bachelor.  As always, there's definitely some truth to #thevillain's words, but that doesn't justify acting like a douche. Obviously the goal is not to make a new girl friend, but that doesn't mean you are free to treat people like common peasants in feudal England.

Taylor gets her time, and talks about her degrees and how smart she is, and of course here comes Corinne again. Taylor is able to use her Johns Hopkins degree to deduce Corinne's confidence is allowing her to be more assertive, but then Taylor shows that book smarts don't always transfer to street smarts, as she just walks away and tells the other girls that Nick is not looking for someone like Corinne and she's not a threat at all.  Her actions betray her words, as she goes back to interrupt Nick and Corinne.

Hilariously, Corinne is not down with this at all. In Corinne's world, interrupting someone is fine, but re-interrupting someone is very rude. Nick apparently does not share Corinne's viewpoint, as she tells Taylor that he's glad she came back.  This then leads to a hilarious conversation between Corinne and Taylor where Corinne basically argues with herself about how upset Taylor is. As typically happens when a smart person (Taylor) has a conversation with a not-as-smart person (Corinne), the not-as-smart person thinks they're the smart one. Corinne then doubles down on her belief that she's the smartest person on the show by counseling all the other women on what to expect, which involves making your friends feel weird and making your not-friends feel weird too. 

Continuing with the "be yourself, but be the most whorish version of yourself" theme ABC seems to be shoving down our throats, Corinne gets the rose, which leads to her saying "XOXO #gossipgirl!" while holding the rose over her head like a trophy. I have no clue what this means, as I've never watched Gossip Girl.

Lacey has a conversation with Corinne where Lacey feels like Corinne got the rose because she got naked, and it makes her rethink what kind of girl Nick is looking for.  This from a girl who showed up on a camel night one and said "I heard you like a good hump." There are varying shades of naughty behavior apparently - implying you'd like to have sex through humor is OK, but implying you'd like to have sex by letting him touch your nipples is TOO FAR.

My pick for the final rose, Danielle, gets the first one-on-one date, which involves a helicopter landing on a yacht. I was hard on Danielle on night one (the pockets showing out of the jeans and the soft babylike voice), but she got much more likeable as the night went along....or maybe it's the girls being less likeable. Who knows.

We don't get to see much of the date, because we have to talk about Jade and Tanner's wedding again. Liz, who hasn't shown any inclination to tell anyone (even Nick!) about what happened at Jade and Tanner's (DRINK) wedding, suddenly decides to go into great detail with Christen about what happened.....that apparently continued through three different wardrobe changes. Here they are talking in bikinis. Here they are talking in regular clothes. Here they are talking in robes over bikinis! What is going on right now?

Whatever happened on the yacht must not have been very exciting, because we saw literally none of it. Next thing we know, we're at dinner and Danielle is giggling just talking about the yacht. Some people have inside voices, other people have outside voices, but Danielle is the first person who actually has a neonatal ICU voice. I still don't like it, but I think Nick likes her. She asks him about him, and he's more than happy to talk about his "tragic" reality TV history. Incredibly, Danielle says that his past makes a lot of sense with regards to her past.  I can't wait to hear how him being a three time failure on reality TV compares to her past relationships.  Turns out that in Danielle's world, losing out on a reality show love is very similar to FINDING YOUR FIANCE DEAD OF A DRUG OVERDOSE. I can honestly say that I did not see that coming.

Of course, Nick needs to hold her hand like it just happened last week. Nick then goes into some sort of speech about how he doesn't think less of her because her fiance died of a drug overdose, which.....way to be the bigger man, Nick.  Thanks for not looking down on me because my best friend shoplifted a burrito in 1998.  Nick then tells her not to feel bad about it, because he's sure they were in love and to hold onto the good times and try to replicate that in future relationships.  This might be literally the worst advice I've ever heard: Do everything you can to have a love that reminds you of your dead fiance. Danielle loves it though, and she gets the rose.....time to make out on an empty Ferris Wheel!

Group Date #2, loosely titled "Liz had sex with Nick at Jade and Tanner's (DRINK) Wedding" kicks off with a limo ride. The limo ride ends with one of the girls saying "Oh my God there's Nick!" as if she's surprised to see him. The date is at the Museum of Broken Relationships, which sounds like quite literally the dumbest thing I've ever heard of.  One of the exhibits was entitled "Brush with Matted Dog Fur." What in the actual hell is this place? This isn't a real place, is it? Google tells me, sadly, that it is real.

This then leads to a couple of actors breaking up in the museum of broken relationships. Holy crap. Of course our ladies will now get to act out breaking up with Nick as part of a "symposium on the art of the breakup." News flash: I hate art.

Liz feels like Nick is avoiding her, which, of course he is.  This is the only way that ABC can ensure that you talk to him in front of all the other women.....hopefully during your fake breakup, which will then become a real breakup. Don't fall for it Liz!

Update: she totally fell for it. She said Jade and Tanner's wedding two more times (DRINK DRINK), and Liz reads a prepared speech and puts Nick on the spot to discuss their past in front of everyone, before giggling and saying "just kidding I'm not gonna make you do that!" and laughing it off like she didn't mean everything she just said. My favorite part was her saying that she hopes Nick fights for love on this show like she wished he would've fought for her. You mean like when he asked for your number and you wouldn't give it to him? I will never, EVER, for the life of me understand why someone would play hard to get. If you're in a relationship where your significant other is constantly telling you one thing with the expectation that you will ignore it and continue to do the opposite of what they said....I would say that you're not going to last.  At some point, she will say "do not ever touch my butt in public" and you will think "this is one of those times where she wants me to prove how much I want to touch her butt" and you will be wrong. And this will be the end of your relationship.  Sorry.

Christen lets Nick know that Liz spilled the beans, so now Nick feels he needs to put all the cards on the table. First he talks to Liz though. Nick accuses her of being there just for the TV fame. Liz tries to say that she was respecting him and his time in Paradise, blah blah blah. Nick's not buying it. Liz then says that she's not into phone calls. WHAT? Does she not call her friends? Nick decides to send her home.

To recap Liz's time of The Bachelor, she spent 80% of her on screen time talking about having sex at Jade and Tanner's Wedding (DRINK!) and then got kicked off for being a shady glory hound. To seemingly back up every accusation Nick leveled against her, she smiles as he dismisses her and asks to walk her out.

Nick then faces the music by telling the girls (with a smile on his face, no less) that he had sex with Liz at Jade and Tanner's Wedding (DRINK!!!!)

Great way to end.....or not.  We actually end with Nick and Dolphinshark singing happy birthday to her boob job.

I don't care what ABC offers you, if they ask you to go on this show, you say no.

Monday, January 2, 2017

Bachelor Season 21: Pervy Ol' St. Nicolas

Dear God, it's going to be a rough season.  I consider myself a pretty big fan of this franchise, but even I can't defend this pick for Bachelor.  He's been on three different seasons (Two Bachelorettes and a Bachelor in Paradise, and every time he's come up empty.  That in itself isn't a knock on Nick - there's no shame in having three relationships not pan out over the course of three or four years.  Heck, that seems about par for the course for most people.  What's insane to me though is that he's never been a fan favorite on any one of these shows.  Nobody wanted Andi to pick him over Josh, nobody wanted Kaitlyn to pick him over whoever that guy she picked was, and I think everyone thought Jen was too good for him on BiP. He's not overly attractive, he's not overly nice, he doesn't have a tragic backstory.....the only thing he has going for him is that he has been in the running at the end of three seasons and every time someone's picked someone else. And he's 36 and single, which in Bachelor-verse makes him a spinster.  ABC keeps running ads that look like this:
But all I see is this:

Why are all the girls so young? My theory is that all women in their 30s are way too smart to be suckered by his sad puppy dog schtick and/or are too embarassed to have to answer the question "why haven't you found love at your age yet?" Again, in Bachelor-verse, being 35 and single probably means you've already outlived three husbands and maybe a few of your children. Let's start the season, shall we?

Nick has trouble saying the word "bachelor." Nick runs shirtless around a city (Chicago? Milwaukee?)) then takes his pants off for the camera and hops in the shower.  Waukesha gets some love as we meet Nick's family...particularly his youngest sister Bella.  Bella seems adorable and way too nice to be related to this smarmy douche.

Nick says "love is the best feeling in the world" and that he's not going to stop trying to be in love until he finds the one.  Congratulations, Nick, for not giving up on finding companionship less than halfway through your life.  You're a paragon of determination.

Now time for my least favorite segment of any season - where we bring back past Bachelors to give him advice.  This year we have Sean (married), Chris (decidedly not married) and Ben (engaged but pretending he's not getting married to boost ratings for season two of his trash-fire of a reality show). I think it's only fitting that these four "men" are talking in a restaurant where every other table they show in the background is filled with only women.

I will say that I appreciate the fact that the Bachelor is a guy that is in shape, but not insanely in shape. He has an attainable physique for an average human....which also reminds me that my son got a science book for Christmas that told him that the average woman was 22% body fat, while the average male was 16% body fat.  This led him to deduce that my wife was fatter than I am, which I found hilarious and my wife found incredibly upsetting. It was at this point that she pointed out to him that she was not an average female, and I was not an average male.  I've also gone running three days in a row for the first time in probably over a year.

OK, time to meet the girls:

Rachel L.: Attorney, 31 years old.  We get a shot of her saying how much she loves her job, just not enough to not quit it to be a reality show contestant. She loves dancing with her grandmother's vaccuum.

Danielle - Nail Salon owner, 27.  Apparently she owns three nail salons.  She doesn't seem very interesting aside from that.

Vanessa - Special ed teacher, 28.  She's Candian, speaks French, English, and Italian. Thinks she was put on Earth to be a mom...which, I guess in the primal sense is true.....proliferation of the species and all.

Josephine - Nursing student, 24. Lonely, lives with a cat. Josephine is fucking crazy. I can't even deal with her.

Raven - Fashion Boutique Owner, 25 - She's basically Britney Spears only if Britney had never left Louisiana and had never been famous.

Corinne - Business owner, 24 - Claims she's a business owner who works with her family. Pretty much her dad runs the business and she will at one point get ownership and get someone else to run the company.  She also has a "nanny." Corinne seems like nobody I want to know.

Alexis is 24 and obsessed with dolphins.  I don't think the show ever said what she did.  She's also crazy, but in a much more charming way than that psycho Josephine. I could see myself giving a rose to Alexis....but then again it's not my show.

Danielle 2 - neonatal nurse, 30 - talks to the camera like we are all sick infants in her ward. Wears jean shorts where the pockets are longer than the actual shorts. I hate this. I've always hated this. She baby talks and wears pocket showing shorts.  Hard pass.

Taylor - Mental Health Counselor, 23. How you have the requisite experience to counsel anyone at anything at the age of 23 is a mystery to me, but I suppose all counselors have to start sometime. She says it's hard for her to make connections because she's biracial. Her mom is white and her "biological father" is black.....so go figure that the mental health counselor has some stuff to work out of her own.  Apparently she thinks all girls hate her because she's not the same race as them.  I look forward to seeing if she is unfairly treated in the house, or if she is just awkward and aloof and then blames everyone else for her own shortcomings.

Liz - Doula, 29. She lives in Las Vegas. She was Jade's (of Jade and Tanner fame) maid of honor, and apparently hooked up with Nick at the wedding. At least that's what ABC wants us to believe. It's never actually said. She never gave Nick her number because he was cool and they had a great time....wait what? Why wouldn't she give him her number? She thought he was a player? So now she's going on a TV show to watch him hook up with other women to see if she made a mistake in not giving him her number? This isn't going to go well for Liz.

Limo time! Let's go over what makes for a good (or bad) introduction:
  • Posture/demeanor - It's ok to look down at your feet like you're nervous, but do it quickly and get back to looking at your potential spouse. Smile
  • Be funny, but not too funny - you want to make him laugh with you, not at you
  • Props - if you're going to use a prop (or if ABC is going to make you use a prop), you need to own it. Don't act like you are too good for your own prop...and remember that if it makes you look completely insane, chances are you'll stick around the first night anyways.  ABC loves throwing in the girls that make America say "why in the hell did he keep THAT bitch?"
  • Leave him wanting more - Give the dude a reason to want to seek you out in the house, but don't be a perv or too vague about it.  You know, if you're the chick that speaks multiple languages, say something in Italian, then tell him you'll let him know what it means later on in the night. If you're the baby nurse, don't say something about how new babies smell like hope and you look forward to seeing what he smells like later.
OK now, let's rate the intros (1-10, 10 being good chance of getting the first impression):
  • Danielle L. - Definitely picked an eye catching dress, but all she can say is "I was excited that you were The Bachelor." Appealing package, disappointing delivery. 6.5
  • Elizabeth - Dress looks too much like a wedding dress, says she is "most nervous" she's ever been. Laughs too hard at his attempt at a compliment, but does have an adorable accent. 5.5
  • Rachel - Makes some joke about her fantasy lineup to show she likes sports, but the only people who want to hear your fantasy sports stories are the other people you play fantasy sports with. Then says something about competing for his heart and places her palm on his heart like he's a robot that is learning about human anatomy or something. Not a huge fan of this intro. 4
  • Christen - Wears yellow dress, dances with giant yellow fan, looks at Nick like she's a 4 year old and he's the biggest, fluffiest, most amazing Labradoodle she's ever seen.  Still, she made eye contact and talked to him, padding his ego by calling him "a celebrity" and remarking about his height. I'll bet he loved that. 7
  • Taylor - Says her friends think he's a piece of shit. I'm leaning towards her being more the reason people hate her than the racist predilections of  everyone she knows. 2
  • Angela - Don't see much, but she says she wouldn't be there if he wasn't the bachelor and asks him to "scoop her up later." Dress is revealing in ways I bet Nick likes. 6
  • Lauren - says his last name (Viall) and hers (Hussey) put together make a disgusting slut (Vile Hussy, get it?) Hardy har har. 3
  • Michelle - Tired "lemons into lemonade" line. 3
  • Dominque - "4th time's a charm" joke...but at least she smiles a lot and looks genuinely excited. 5
  • Ida Marie - unique outfit that looks like something one of the Spice Girls (maybe Ginger?) would've worn on the Spice World tour. Has Nick do a trust fall and catch her.  Would've given her higher marks if she'd caught him. 7
  • Olivia - Alaskan girl shows up in a baby seal fur coat (kidding, I think) and gives him an Eskimo Kiss. Too heavy on the cultural thing.  She's gonna be Eskimo girl all season. Leaves her coat with him....why???? 5
  • Sarah - Grade school teacher comes running up the driveway.....something about a "runner-up" joke. Looks like the kind of teacher that keeps cocaine in her purse and does lines during nap time.  6
  • Jasmine G. - says she knows he's done this a million times before (ouch), brings out Neil Lane. I like this gag, although for the first time in 21 seasons, Neil Lane appears to have aged. Still, it was a good gag. 8
  • Hailey - implies she's not wearing underwear. That's her intro. 4
  • Astrid - speaks German, says her boobs are real. The girls are really honing in on the fact that Nick is a horny, horny dude. 7
  • Liz - She's doesn't let on she knows him, he doesn't let on he knows her, or possibly doesn't remember. This is gonna be a like six week saga where he says she looks familiar, she brushes it off, gets increasingly upset he doesn't remember her, then he says "just kidding, of course I remember you. I was just trying to treat you like every other girl here so they didn't get jealous and treat you differently." Liz will melt like butter, and he'll kick her off the next week. 5
  • Corinne - Comes off way more likeable in her intro than she did when she was bossing around her mom and making her nanny cut the crust off her sandwich. Gives him a "hug token." 7
  • Vanessa - SHE DOES EXACTLY WHAT I SAID SHE SHOULD DO! Give her a 9 for that.
  • Danielle  - Less baby talk, gives him daddy's maple syrup and lets him lick it off her finger, and says that he can come find her if things get "sticky" with the other girls. This wins the night for me so far. 9.5
  • Raven - our white trash Britney goes Woo Pig Sooie. Arkansas is weird. 5
  • Jaime - Says he has balls, so does she - in her nose. Balls in her nose....on a nose ring. Repeats the balls joke to the girls inside. 3
  • Briana - nurse goes with the stethoscope on his heart and a weird look/laugh combo. 5
  • Susannah - gives him a beard massage. 2
  • Josephine - Crazy girl shows up with a book with a hot dog in it...calls him a "Weiner in her book" and then asks him to "Lady and the Tramp it." She's the worst. 1
  • Brittany - Travel nurse puts on a glove and makes him bend over. 2.5
  • Jasmine B. - wearing a red dress 
  • Someone else - also wearing a red dress
  • Lacey - wearing a red dress on a camel - makes a "likes a good hump" joke...twice. 8.
  • Alexis - Shows up in a shark costume. Says she "Dolphinately" can't wait to talk to her again. Any self respecting dolphin lover would not say she was a shark. God damnit Alexis...I thought you were good crazy. 1
Thank god that's over - We now get to the part of the show where the girls talk about how hot and manly he is and make really over the top complimentary statements about him to each other in an attempt to prove to the other girls how much more they love him anyone else. Nick breaks this up by giving them the "I've been here before, so I know what it's like and also here's my inspirational speech that will make you think I'm incredible....not tear each other apart to win my attention."

Nick and Rachel have a good conversation where they talk like normal people. Good move, Rachel.  Always liked that name. I'll give this to Nick....he can carry a conversation better than most Bachelors. He's chatting it up with a lot of different girls, having pretty easy conversations with all of them on a variety of topics....although he has told more than a handful that they have a "killer dress." Corinne drops a bag full of tokens in his lap, saying he can use them for "whatever." She then establishes herself as the villain of the season by snatching him away from the French girl and making out with him. She looks like a mermaid, only evil. She's like Bad Ariel.....even doubling down on her villain status by saying "I'm here for Nick. Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick."

Jasmine the pro basketball dancer is starting to lose it.  She's pacing, crying, begging for time....it's not going well for her. Dolphin Shark girl is just a joke, but I think she's safe. Nick makes a good joke, saying that if she takes it off, he's sending her home.

My theory that the "does he remember me?" storyline between Nick and Liz would last for weeks, blows up. Things get weirder when she says she didn't want him to think she was there because he was the Bachelor....but why else would she be there? Nick calls her on this, saying "you've had the ability to call me for nine months, but you're just showing up now." Nick's age is an asset here...he's been around enough to spot bullshit.  Liz is on borrowed time here.  He doesn't need her there - he knows how to get a hold of her, he can definitely track her down after they are done filming if things don't work out on the show. She may get through the first night, but not much longer.

Rachel earns the first impression rose - not surprising given the level of the conversation they showed on air. Nurse Danielle was probably the only person who was maybe also an option.....and just like that it is time to thin the herd. I love the girl who led with "I'm not wearing any panties" saying that she "put her heart out there."

Safe are Rachel the lawyer,  Vanessa the busty multilingual special ed teacher, Danielle the nail salon owner with her boobs on display (there's a theme here), Christen the dancer, Astrid the German, Corinne the evil mermaid, Elizabeth the Texan in a dress that looks like a wedding dress, Jasmine the neurotic NBA dancer, Raven the Arkansas Britney Spears, Christina the girl who might possibly be deaf, and if not she speaks incredibly weirdly, Danielle the maple syrupy nurse, Sarah the cocaine teacher, Josephine the psycho, Lacey the girl who loves a hump, Taylor the counselor with issues, Alexis the shark/dolphin, Hailey the underwearless Canadian, Whitney one of the red dress girls, Dominique another red dress girl, Jamie the girl with balls, Britney another red dress girl, and Liz the girl who had sex with him and then said no you can't have my number.

Gone are Ida Marie the Spice Girl, Olivia the Eskimo, Susannah the model, Lauren the Law School graduate, Briana the stethoscope girl, and a bunch of other girls that didn't really merit screen time.

And there you have it....only about two more months of this!