Then reality hits and it's just hot as balls and you're mostly spending your time by yourself on the couch playing the same video games you played after school the week before and the only thing you know how to cook is boiling hot dogs in water so every lunch is exactly the same and about the time you hit the first of August, you find yourself thinking "damn, I kinda want summer to be over so I can go back to school."
That's me with this franchise. Every season, I'm thinking it's going to be amazing, then it ends up being largely the same as every other season, and about halfway through I'm looking forward to something else.
But hey, this year, we've got Hannah Beast! She's different right? I have my doubts that she's good for TV different, but we'll see.
The episode starts with a preview montage of the season. Some dude says "Hannah is about as real as it gets. She's not an actress, she's not a movie star...she's just a real girl looking for love." A real girl....that was MISS FREAKING ALABAMA USA. As unreal as it gets. I only know one other Miss Alabama USA, and guess what...she's not a real girl looking for love either. She's married to a former Heisman Trophy runner up and was the target of Brent Musberger's affection during the 2013 College Football National Championship Game.
So no...Miss Alabama USA is not "a real girl." It's like calling Damian Lillard "just a guy who plays basketball." From there we get Hannah asserting that these guys "know nothing about her," which backs up my claim that these douchenozzles think she is "just a real girl looking for love."
Then we get the recap of Hannah's journey from doofus who couldn't make a toast to Bachelorette. We get her talking to a group of six year old ballerinas telling them to always be a part of something that makes them happy.....because there's lots of six year olds out there that need that message. Think it would've hit harder with a group of 14 year olds in 4H or band or something, but whatever. She gives the self-deprecating "I'm a lot to handle, so it's gonna take a real man to handle me" speech as she cavorts on the beach in a bikini. Let's get to the guys, because that's the real interesting part of this show.
Nope..first we get Demi and Katie...also known as America's first two choices for Bachelorette. They have a real minor cameo, and we start with Tyler the dancing contractor. He likes riding on boats with his dog.
Next up is Peter the pilot. He is spontaneous and wants to get lunch in New Orleans.
Mike the Air Force Portfolio Manager is next. His great grandma is awesome. She reminds me of Mama Odie from The Princess and the Frog.
Joe the Box King is like the most Chicago man ever. He's basically Abe Froman in a different profession.
Matt Donald, the scarf wearing able eared farmer from a deaf family seems like a lot to handle.
Connor the baby faced car saleseman is like a Moderately Rich Asian.
Meathead Luke lets us know that he smashed a lot of women in college, but it didn't fulfill him. Thankfully he met God in the shower. This guy needs his own show. I'm fascinated by him.
ABC smartly shuts down the vignettes then, because you can't top that guy.
Here come the limos! Golf Pro Garrett is from Alabama as well, and wants to be her "Hole in One." Meh.
Air Force Mike gives her five words that start with C and then asks if she "got all that." Mama Odie would not be happy.
Jed from Nashville says his family told him to shine inside and outside, but he looks like he just crapped inside his pants he's so nervous. Jed's got some work to do.
Tyler the Dancing Contractor tells Hannah he had to fly all the way from Florida just to meet her and that he's "Got something in store" for her inside. I hate Tyler.
Dylan looks like an extra in a James Bond movie, but lacks all of 007's charisma.
Tall Connor from Texas jumps a fence, because we've gotta do that all the time now.
Devin is a talent manager. His ice breaker is to joke that he's a virgin. Devin sucks.
Jon Paul Jones is basically a poor man's MacGyver (the new one, not the good one), but with terrible interpersonal skills.
Nevermind, Math Teacher Brian has terrible interpersonal skills. Laughs uncontrollably.
Nevermind, Software Sales Scott has the WORST interpersonal skills. He might pass out if he stops talking.
Matteo fakes like he's nervous, but he seems like he knows what he's doing.
Daron walks the wrong way.
Creepy Eyed Tyler is uncomfortable to look at.
Tyler the former pro basketball player says this tops playing hoops internationally. Smooth.
Matt is a car bid spotter. He works in the same town as Moderately Rich Asian Connor. I hope they know each other.
A forklift brings a giant box. Hannah says "What's this? It's a big package....heyyyyyyyy!" She's adorable, I don't care what you think. Unfortunately inside the box is Joe, who apparently can only speak in box/package/container jokes. Joe sucks.
Joey brings a bottle of wine in a baby carrier. I don't get it.
Moderately Rich Asian Connor speaks French.
Ryan is on rollerblades and says "Roll Tide." Hunter the pro surfer wants help with his tie so they can "tie the knot." Unemployed Grant makes a sausage party joke filled with condiment puns. one dude brings a pizza. Shower Angel Luke was apparently on the After the Final Rose episode, but I've already forgotten him. I don't remember any of the guys from After the Final Rose...oh wait...the rapping guy. Hip Hop Cam has been in the lab y'all....he drops a Nick Saban reference in tonight's freestyle.
Matt Donald shows up on a tractor and sings a dorky version of "Old MacDonald." Props to the guys already in the house peeking around the corner getting all excited for the new guys ice breakers.
A couple of pilots show up - Peter and Chasen. That should be fun, as they both lost their perceived trump card.....side note...100 years from now, will Trump be a word that nobody can use anymore because of its negative connotations? Like how people can't say "call a spade a spade" anymore?
Back at the house, Hannah is praying to God to give her words to make her feel worthy and smart. Not a good start. She gives a decent speech about how she's not perfect and she's not expecting them to be...she just wants real.
Luke comes on strong and talks constantly. The next guy...I think Air Force Mike...lets her do most of the talking. I like his strategy better. Moderately Rich Asian plays minute to win it games at a dorky "Bachelorette Party" he puts together for her. I'm not sure that screams husband material, but maybe it's what Hannah likes. Another guy says he thinks Hannah just wants honesty...maybe because she said exactly that ten minutes ago.
Oh good, Katie and Demi are back in a surveillance van! This could be a great feature of the show...just have past cast members in a van drinking champagne and making snarky comments...or maybe just let me do it. That's like my dream job. Demi says someone reached out to her on social media to let her know that one of the guys had a girlfriend.....because that makes total sense to alert Demi to this potential problem.
Socially awkward Scott is apparently our dude with a secret girlfriend. I wonder what the benefit is to Scott to be the sacrificial lamb to get chewed out and dogged on national television to show the other guys that this is serious and she's not here to play games. Scott is basically a prop. How is this appearance beneficial to Scott in any way? Scott actually says "Was I dating girl up until Monday? Yes. Was she someone that I wanted to marry long term? No." So short term marriage then?
Scott tries to argue that she was just dating Colton, so it's basically the same thing....and he's gone. She walks him through the room with all the other men and basically commands him to follow her like a puppy. This was a little over the top, honestly. I think we could've done something a little more subtle to get the point across that Hannah needed guys to be open an honest with her.
Then we get a montage of guys assuring Hannah that they're so excited to be there for her. I'll guess a few of them will be proven to not be by the end of this. Shower Angel Luke gets the first impression rose, and I have no idea what to think anymore. Clearly Hannah and I are not compatible.
Other guys are sweating their incompatibility. But of course....they blame SCOTT. Like when in college your buddy says he was "just about to seal the deal" with some girl, but then the cops showed up, or some other act of God intervened.
Air Force Mike, Tall Connor, Matthew the Car Bid Spotter, Moderately Rich Asian Connor, Singin' Jed, Dustin (who looks like a chubby bearded Russell Wilson), Joey, Devin the non-virgin, Pilot Pete, Dorky 007 Dylan, Matteo, Pizza Server Jonathan, one of the Tylers, the other Tyler with the creepy eyes, Daron, other Luke, Golf Pro Garrett, Unemployed Grant, Kevin, and Poor Man's MacGyver join Rappin' Cam in the winners circle.
Not sure I have a favorite, but I'm glad Shower Angel Luke is sticking around. He's got the most potential for absurd moments going forward!
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