This Man Sends That Girl HOME

Thailand!  Let's dive right in, shall we?  Shawn says it's AMAZING to think that these are his last three girls.  Because those are the words of someone prepared to get engaged.

Seems like we were just in Thailand, weren't we?  If I remember correctly, Ashley brought her beaus here to kick-box and Ames ended up in the hospital.  I'm a little sad Sean isn't going to put the girls through the same paces, because an AshLee vs. Catherine Muay Thai boxing match would be epic.

Sean recaps the women here's what he says:

Catherine is sweet, funny, intelligent and they have something he doesn't have with the other women.  That thing is Catherine's nerdiness.  So she's got that going for her.  They also have an off the charts romantic element to their relationship.  I find that funny, because we haven't really seen that.  But they're on the same page.

But then there's AshLee.

He has the strongest relationship with AshLee.  She's got a big heart and he likes that AshLee tells him exactly what she's thinking.  It also doesn't hurt that what she's thinking is that Sean is a God sent down from Mt. Olympus.  Then again, she's a control freak that is always on the cusp of emotionally combusting. But their values match up.

But then there's Lindsay.

The have a spark.  It's grown into a massive flame.  He thought she was not a good crazy the first night.  But it turns out she's even more than crazy.  She's generous and hilarious, and about seven other adjectives.  She's got every quality he's looking for.

WHAT'S A GUY TO DO?

Lindsay's up first, and guess what, they're trying something new!  They're excited to see each other.  Lindsay says "you look so good" as she sees Sean in boat shoes, cargo shorts and a pastel orange shirt. Sean does not return the compliment to her tight t-shirt and sheer skirt.  Apparently their "trying something new consists of taking a taxi into town and buying chickens dipped in food coloring.  A little strange, but it is basically just a farmer's market. What's new about that?  Sean's getting to that.  On the way to the market, Lindsay apparently said "I'll do anything except eat bugs."  So what does Sean suggest they do?  Eat bugs of course!  You gotta love a guy that asks a girl what her limits are, and then asks her to break those limits are.  Sort of the no means yes mentality.  Such is the mind control of The Bachelor.  Lindsay thinks about saying no, but then sees how brave Sean is being (by eating a bug?  really?) so now she's gotta do it too.  You know, I just watched a movie where a guy wanted a girl to do something she didn't want to do, so she compromised and send him a naked pic on her cell phone.  You know what happened next?  SHE KILLED HERSELF.  Watch "Sexting in Suburbia" next time it's on Lifetime.  You won't be disappointed.

Onto the beach where they feed some monkeys.  Sean seems to think that the monkeys add  to charm and romance of the beach.  I think that monkeys on the beach would creep me out.  Be honest, if you're on a beach and you've got the choice of turning your back to the water or the monkeys, you're turning your back to the waves, right?  Sneaker waves be damned, I wanna know where every primate is at all time.  Lindsay told Sean she was "falling in love" with him last week, but she's really nervous about telling him she IS in love with him this week.  Is there really that big of a difference between the two statements?  From my point of view "I'm falling in love with you" means "I'm in love with you."  Imagine you tell someone "I'm pretty sure I almost hate you."  You know what they hear?  "I hate you."  But you go ahead and try to drum up the drama, ABC.  We'll play along.

Sean is still blown away by how great the day went.  Apparently he kept asking himself if he could marry this girl all day, and the answer was always yes.  It better be, or the drama is just about sucked out of this date.  Time for dinner in front of two boats with neon lights all over them.  Lindsay says that she seems like she's in heaven.  So Lindsay pictures heaven looking something like the Las Vegas Strip.  Got it.  She's ready to move to Dallas to be with Sean.  She then talks about how much she loves him without saying "I love you."  Now she gives the Bachelor mandated beat around the bush speech before Sean basically demands her to say it by whispering "what are you thinking?" But before she can say anything, cue the Sitar music and dancers.  Sean, in a super creepy way, says "you gonna dance for me like that later?"  Moment is dashed, and the "I love you" comment is shelved.  Now it's fantasy suite invitation time.  Sean says "no distractions, just you and me."  Lindsay has no problems saying "I'd love to spend that time with you."  On to the suite, where Lindsay says "I actually feel like a real couple in this suite."  Again, exactly what you want to hear from a girl right before she hops into bed and potentially marriage.  Sean says "you're great, you have all the qualities I'm looking for and on top of that you're my best friend.  Lindsay says "ditto" and then finally says "I love you."  Sean immediately kisses her, and then says "I love...hearing you say that."  I'm starting to think Sean is a control freak.  He talks about how great it is to hear her say she loves him.  It's like he needs constant gratification from the ladies.  He wants to pressure them into stepping outside their limits and wants them to dance for him and wants them to tell him they love him.  Good thing AshLee's up next then....

...Because she has to run to see him because she "couldn't get there fast enough."  She then says she's "elated" and "can't believe how far they've come" and she "loves him more than words can express." She's off the charts with the superlatives.  Sean loves hearing this, but he thinks she's too comfortable in her routine - in this case a cave.  And here goes Sean pushing her into an uncomfortable situation where he gets to act like the strong protective boyfriend and being her rock.  Sean says numerous times that "she can just hold onto him" and he'll get her through this cave. AshLee "she doesn't do caves."  Do many people "do caves?"  Like I feel it's a pretty select few people in the world who spend time in caves on a regular basis.

The cave is dark, and Sean is playing it up like it's super confused. That's kinda how life is sometimes.  It's like when you're with that person you love, you're going down a dark alleyway."  I probably rewound this six times trying to get what she was saying.  When you're with someone you love, life is like a dark alleyway?  Being in a cave in the dark is like being in an alleyway in the dark, only with water?  What is she getting at?  The talk in the confessionals is all about how scared they are, but they really don't seem that concerned.  Suddenly, they find the way out and boom, everything is good.  The AshLee that comes out of the cave is not the same AshLee that went in according to her.  She seems the same to me...she's still calling Sean "This Man" every chance she gets and doesn't believe any two people have ever been more perfect for each other than her and Sean.  Joke's gonna be on her when Sean decides there's TWO girls more perfect for him than her at the end of this episode, amiright?

Sean says he can picture the two of them spending the rest of their lives together...similar to what he said to Lindsay.  AshLee is having trouble reconciling spending the night with This Man who is also spending the night with Those Bitches.  They have a discussion about how people ALWAYS ask them  why they're still single.  Sean says that he was chasing other things like his career.  AshLee says she just was patient and didn't want to make a bad decision and that she's glad she waited for Sean.  Apparently she forgot about that time she got married in high school.

Time to break out the fantasy suite invite.  Cue the tweets across the bottom - which I love.  ABC picks this time to throw one up talking about how AshLee said "every part of her body" wants to be engaged to Sean, but probably one particular part wants to be engaged to him tonight!"  Hey-oh!  Sean give her the same line about "just you and me, no distractions."  She says "I know where you stand, and you know where I stand."  Which may be referring to the fact that the rumors are out there that Sean is saving himself for marriage.

Just to make sure they're still on the same page, AshLee tells him exactly what style of engagement ring she wants.  AshLee says "I love This Man, and This Man has healed my broken heart.  If I have anything to do with it, we'll be spending our lives together." I'm going to say it's probably a bad thing if you're not sure  you have any say in your relationship and he's got less than a week to make a decision on if you're going to get married or break up.

Time for Catherine's alone time.  Sean has a few more questions, but he knows that "he loves spending time with her, and that's important."  Such a wordsmith, that Sean Lowe.  They snuggle on the boat and drink wine.  Catherine thinks she's been super silly with Sean, but hopes he knows she can be serious.  It's been 3.5 years since she's been able to be herself apparently, which is just such a sad, sad statement for someone who seems like genuinely fun and nice person.  Catherine talks about how her sisters pissed her off in Seattle, then makes a little jab about how they get jealous of her  sometimes.  Take that Siamese Cats!

Catherine reminds us that she hasn't told Sean she's falling in love with him.  Is this different from being in love with him?  According to Lindsay it is, but what does Sean think?  Will we find out at dinner?  Time for some making out in a lightning storm.  I'm actually surprised Catherine didn't equate life to wearing a bikini and making out amid lightning strikes on a boat.  That was like a perfect Bachelor moment right there, and she missed it!  But she does steal a bit of AshLee's thunder by calling him "This Man" and how she has never been in a place in her life where she's been able to accepting great love from someone like Sean.  Again, this makes me sad?  Why wasn't she able?  Was she able to accept love from a person not on Sean's level?  Was she in a place where she could accept love from a chubby computer programmer from Topeka, Kansas?

Shock of all shocks, Sean could see himself marrying Catherine too!  Catherine goes into the whole "I never thought I'd accept a fantasy suite invitation because I'm a lady and blah blah blah, but now I know it's not like that so of course I want to sleep in the same room as you and "talk."  I wonder if they're just pretending to shack up, but after talking for a few hours, these girls are going back to their own rooms.  I'm pretty convinced with all the "you know my intentions" talk that he's told all these ladies that he's saving himself for marriage, only ABC didn't want to let us know that he'd said that because they wanted the drama of "will he shack up with all the ladies?" Catherine goes into her super insecure "I never thought someone like him would like me, and I'm chunky and never wear a bathing suit except when I'm around you."  So, insecure girl who thinks she's fat is willing to put herself on national tv to be judged?  I'm not buying it.

Chris Harrison comes on, and I'm not sure where he's going with this, but it turns out he just wants to plug the new Wizard of Oz movie.  Disney is just too damn big.  Cross promotion like this is the worst. Just play the trailer - we don't need an introduction to the trailer from Chris Harrison.

Sean's not feeling good about tonight.  Apparently he didn't dwell on getting sent home at all when Emily sent him packing.  He talks about how hard it was because he spent the whole week planning his and Emily's life together and had no clue he was going home, and now one of the girls is in that same spot and there's nothing he can do about it.  Well there was one thing you could've done Sean.  You could've reined in all the "I missed you so much, I wouldn't want to be here with anyone else" talk you pump these ladies full of on a minute by minute basis.  Sean also says he's pretty sure he's going to propose at the end of this.  To me, that means he's already made his decision, but he'll drag it out for TV's sake.

Sean hopes that the video messages make his decision easier.  When has watching a video of a girl telling you how amazing you are and how much she loves you and wants to marry you make it easier to dump her?  Has that ever happened?  Is he expecting one of the girls to say "oh by the way, I'm still technically married to my ex, but we'll figure that out later."  C'mon Sean, you know this is going to make it tougher.  That being said, AshLee made my decision easy.  Her voice drives me up a wall.  Speaking of walls, she's been building a metaphorical wall in her heart since she was kid.  But Sean, you big stud, you've knocked that wall down.  Now she's crying just thinking about how much she loves Sean.  This girl is exhausting.

While her video made it easier, the dress AshLee is wearing will not.  Goodness gracious.  Apparently she lowered the neckline of her dress along with that wall.  Good luck saying goodbye to that Sean.  But seriously, I hope you do, because she might have the most epic exit interview of all time.  She'll be able to swim in the back of the limo by the time she's done crying.

Sean says he's worried that the girl he's sending home won't be ok once this is over.  That's gotta be AshLee, right?  Let's find out.

Sean opens his rose ceremony by reminding the girls how much he loved Emily, and how much it hurt when she sent him packing.  Good plan buddy.  Sean picks up the first rose, and a tip of the cap to the editors who show Lindsay saying "holy shit" at that moment - making her look as unclassy as possible. But she's safe.  She gets the first rose, and the Sean pauses for an interminable amount of time before finally giving the rose to...........still waiting.......we've only got two minutes left of recorded time here buddy.....Catherine!

Here we go...the music gets as ominous as AshLee's face.  I love the first thing she does is try to cover her boobs up a little more, as if to say "I wore this for you and this is how you repay me?"  She's PISSED.  This is not the emotion I thought I'd see from AshLee.  Sean then shatters the "bad breakup speech" record by saying "can I explain where I'm coming from?  I thought it was going to be you from the very beginning.  Our relationship was so real and intense."  That's your explanation?  That you thought you were going to marry her?  How is that an explanation?  Nothing like "our flame burned so hot and bright that there was no way we could sustain that?"  I just came up with that in like five minutes, you can't come up with anything better than "I thought I was going to marry you, but it turns out I'm not going to?" in the however long you had to compose your thoughts?  AshLee was annoying, but she deserved better.  I'm surprised at the lack of tears from AshLee.  Anger was not the initial reaction I was expecting from her.  I thought that would come later.  She actually pushed him out of the way when he went to open the door for her!  I love that Catherine and Lindsay get to watch this whole scene transpire through the window, as AshLee drives away and Sean sits there staring at the ground thinking about how poorly he handled that.  Nothing like watching the guy you might be engaged to next week completely depressed over the departure of another woman, am I right ladies?

Stoked for The Women Tell All next week.  NOT STOKED for a 3 hour finale the following week.  THREE HOURS?  I'd rather have them break it up into three one hour segments.

Bachelor: Sean Tells Nothing

What a waste of an hour that was.  So glad I didn't live blog that mess.  Chris and Sean get down and recap the episode with the premise of telling us new stuff about Sean's thought process.  Instead he basically recapped everything we already knew.  Here's my take on some of the "highlights" if you want to call it that:

• I like how they try to refer to events such as Desiree's hometown date as happening "this week," but then talk about watching the episodes, which, if we're to believe that this was filmed prior to him chosing a bride, would be impossible.  Chris straight up asked him if he had any idea who he was going to marry, and he said "at this point no," but then talks about watching the episodes of Tierra's meltdowns.  Can't be both ways here guys.  Also, I liked the completely rehearsed line about coming on the show hoping to have strong feelings for just one girl, never imagining that he'd develop feelings for 3!  Chris is quick to point out that just last night, it was 4 women (meaning Desiree), but apparently to Sean once you decline to give a girl a rose, those feelings never happened. 

• First off, Tierra was awful.  Sean says "why didn't I see what was going on with her?"  Well, probably because ABC purposefully keeps you away from it, and also EVERY FREAKING GIRL TOLD YOU SHE WAS A BITCH, so don't act like you didn't have the information.  Also, it's hard not to feel a little bad for the girl.  It must be hard to go through life without having control of your face - ba dum ching!  Seriously though, the other girls were like a pack of dogs on her, and while she brought most of it on herself, it's not surprising that she got a little crazy surrounded by a handful of women that don't know when to walk away.  I was liked how bitter Sean sounded about the week in Montana.  "All the girls were paying more attention to Tierra than me!" he moaned.  Seriously dude, you're dating a dozen pretty girls on national television, how much attention do you need?  Also, will Tierra actually show up for the Girls Tell All episode?  I hope they find her a seat right in the middle of all the other women and watch as she starts saying something stupid and all the other women move in for the kill like a pack of zombies on the Walking Dead.  It's going to be epic.

• The mind also boggles at the hypocrisy shown towards Lesley.  They talk about how she had a hard time expressing her feelings, and Sean even said that he kind of knew that she wanted to say how she felt and didn't.  Yet he says "if she'd said it, yeah things could've been different.  She might still be here."  Pretty easy for a guy who doesn't have to worry about saying the big L-word to anyone because he can hide behind the whole "because of television, I'm obligated not to tell you how I really feel."  Every girl that says "I love you" to him gets an "Aww thanks!" in response, but he's bitter about the one girl who he can tell wants to tell him, but doesn't?  Poor form, buddy. 

• I loved that Chris Harrison called Sarah a "fan favorite."  Really?  Who liked her?  I agreed with Sean that there was no passion and that she should've gone home, but can we stop talking about how disadvantaged she was at roller skating?  Look, I get that if you chopped my arm off right now and put me on roller skates, I'd have trouble balancing.  But that's because I HAVE TWO ARMS.  If you've only had one your whole life, you know where your center of balance is.  If she sucked at roller skating, it wasn't because she had one arm, it's because SHE SUCKED AT ROLLER SKATING. 

• The recap of Selma was just pointless.  The only takeaway from that is that pretty girls can get guys to do anything.  Eyelash kisses?  Jesus. 

• I was a little miffed by the "never before seen footage" as well.  First off, that stuff was way better than the parts they showed during the actual show!  The whole sexy brownie eating thing was funny, and showed a level of comfort between Lesley and Sean that we had never seen before.  Catherine slipping him dorky notes was cute, how come that wasn't shown?  Desiree's brother being nice to Sean and then flipping the switch would've been pretty compelling TV too.  The idea that they didn't show it because it didn't make sense seems strange - what about this show does make sense?  And I'm just throwing a thought out there - maybe he was nice at first because he was giving him the benefit of the doubt, and then attacked him later after he'd had a chance to form an opinion?  Just because Sean and ABC are trying to convince everyone of his sincerity and character doesn't mean that everyone has to believe it.  If you watched Jimmy Kimmel on Monday night, he showed clips of Sean saying he was "crazy" about every girl, followed by Des' brother saying "you're crazy 'bout a lot of girls, right?" I believe Sean also told Des' bro "I'm sorry I gave you that impression, but that's not me" later in the conversation. So yeah, I'm not buying it.

• My only reaction to the porn-esque scene of Sean showering at the end was "would they have done this with Emily Maynard in a bikini?  Doubtful.  With the music and the slow mo, I almost wondered if they should've put a disclaimer that said "men, you may want to leave the room now so your wives can have some alone time with Sean."  So strange.

That's it until next week, when Sean and AshLee encounter a sea monster in a Thai cave or something.  Man I hate ABC's over the top teasers.  That bit of Sean reading a letter on the altar?  I guess we're supposed to assume that someone wrote him a letter and said they couldn't face him and has left the show.  I put the chances that actually is what happened at 5%.  More likely is that it's a note from Des that says she still thinks he's making a mistake, and he acts all sad about it for 32 seconds until he proposes to Lindsey.  That's my prediction anyways. 

Bachelor - Your Family Will Ruin Your Fantasy

Welcome to the most highly anticipated episode of the Bachelor since....well since Tierra said she couldn't control her face.  I'm super excited to see this confrontation between Sean and Desiree's brother, but knowing ABC, they've shown us the tensest parts and it'll end with Sean earning the brother's acceptance.

AshLee gets the first date, and she's brought her teacup puppy!  His name is Bailey, but I'm willing to guess she spells it BayLee.  God I hate little dogs.  The dog is exhausted and AshLee needs to carry him - if she has a stroller for him, I'll lose it.  AshLee keeps calling Sean "this man" which is just awful.  She also says that she has fallen into love with him.  Then she says that she wants a person as amazing as her dad....which to me is just a creepy statement.  Sean gave some answer that was apparently the most perfect answer in the history of the world.  AshLee says it's the exact answer her dad would've given, and the creepy factor is off the charts.  She then gives a fist pump and kind of whisper-shouts "yayy!!! Let's meet my family."  Apparently you can't yell at the top of your lungs in a city of five million people like Houston.  Much easier on a deserted island where your exhausted dog is the only person that can hear you, eh honey?  Let's meet these foster parents already!

AshLee's been dreaming of the day she brings home a guy since she was 5 years old?  I'm super confused.  AshLee's dad is apparently the coach of the Kansas City Chiefs.  He looks EXACTLY like Andy Reid.

AshLee recaps the polar bear plunge and then proceeds to tell her parents that there was "a lot of romance" as they rolled around on the beach.  Her mama, who looks like a no-nonsense kinda lady, is not impressed.  I personally hope my daughter never tells me about her romps on the beach with men.  The mom then goes straight into the "what are your intentions for AshLee...do you plan on breaking her heart?"  Easiest question in the world to answer.  Not exactly the way to get at what you want to know AshLee's mom.

The Dad conversation goes pretty well.  I'm pretty impressed that Sean goes right into the "why did you let your daughter get married at 17?"  The dad's answer is a good one.  He said at the time he felt that AshLee might have made some even worse decisions if he'd said no, so he signed off on it.  Looking back, he would've done things differently.  I can respect that, even though my initial reaction was "you mean like NOT LETTING A HIGH SCHOOL JUNIOR GET MARRIED, ANDY REID?"  That was a worse decision than signing Michael Vick, buddy.  Dad starts crying talking about how much he loves AshLee and that makes her start crying.  It's kinda touching....I really respect foster/adoptive parents that care for their children as if they were their own flesh and blood.  That being said, I still think they raised a crazy woman whose outlook on life is such that she thinks dating a guy with three other girlfriends qualifies as "pixie dust sprinkled over everything."  Tinkerbell would kick your delusional ass, girl.

Off to Seattle for Catherine's date.  Apparently she's recovered from the shock of her girlfriend Lesley being voted off the island.  Their date starts at Pike Street Market - as all dates in Seattle start.  They'll probably end up at the original Starbucks and the Space Needle too.  We get to catch some fish - props to Catherine for one handing a fish!  That was impressive.  Maybe the best impression she's made on me thus far.  She's also straddled a giant piggy bank and danced a jig to a street vendor....she is a super fun person.  I want to be her friend.  Plus I want to hear more about the tree crushing a girl in front of her.

Catherine preps Sean to meet her family, including Graham Cracker, her Philippino Grandmother.  Apparently Sean's supposed to put her hand to his head as a sign of respect.  Sean's asks if she's going to give him her hand, and Catherine says "oh of course she will."  I get the sense that Graham Cracker got some coaching as well.

There's a lot of women in the room with Sean right now.  Three generations of women grilling him.  I can't imagine this is going to be super fun.  Catherine's impressed that he cooked with her mom and talked to her Grandma.....as if he was going to decline anything on this date.  I hate it when someone gets credit for something that obviously they're going to do.  It'd be like saying "he's so sweet, can you believe he walks his dog after working all day?"  If you're going to have a dog, you better f'ing walk it. But don't walk it til it's exhausted like AshLee.  That's too much.

Catherine's sisters remind me of the Siamese cats from Lady and the Tramp.  They just seem like they're out to ruin everyone's fun.  All they've done is crap on Catherine's feelings for Sean and then they kind of criticize Catherine's bad habits to Sean.  Not exactly the best wingmen.

 I get the sense they're almost jealous of the attention she's getting.  Mom also kinda rains on the parade when her mom says "we'll see" when he asks for a blessing.  I always love the parents of the women on the hometowns.  The guy always asks for a blessing, and they all basically say "if you love her, sure, but if you don't you need to cut her loose."  It's always such a hollow endorsement.  I can't blame the families...they've all watched the show, they know the bachelor is always "crazy" about umpteen women and that he's having the same conversations with three other girls families.  It always cracks me up...like what is Sean expecting to hear from these parents?  He seems disappointed and says that Catherine's sisters gave him information that makes him "question their relationship."  All they showed was the sisters saying she was kinda messy.  If leaving clothes on the floor was such a deal-breaker for Sean, don't you think he'd have brought this up with the ladies in the cocktail party on the first night?  I feel like there's an easy plan you can lay out for your time as the bachelor.  It goes something like this:

Step One - Identify absolute hard and fast limits.  If you hate smokers, ask them if they smoke on the first night.  If you can't handle someone who likes the movie Dirty Dancing, work it into a conversation the first night.  Then send them home.

Step Two - After the first night, you should have a fairly good idea of girls you really are interested in and girls you probably aren't.  Take girls you probably aren't interested in on solo dates in the first few weeks to confirm initial reactions.

Step Three - For the sake of television, identify one girl that you know the audience loves and one girl you know the audience hates.  Even though you have no intention of marrying either girl, keep them around long enough that you can put them on a two on one date and then kick off the sweet girl.  Watch mayhem ensue amongst the ladies and imagine what the reaction is going to be like on Twitter.  Keep crazy girl around as long as you can without killing her.  Ask ABC if they're willing to shoot you an extra $250K if you propose to her.

Step Four - Act like you're having a really tough time making a decision.  ABC basically set up this show so that you can be extremely vague about your true feelings to a bunch of attractive women, then let their minds run wild.  You can say something like "I always smile when I see you" and the woman will interpret that to mean you're in love with her because technically you can't tell her you're in love with her per ABC's rules.  So now you basically get to lead a bunch of attractive women on and make out with them while you actually have a relationship with the one or two girls you identified as marriage material on the first night.  Remind me again why any single guy wouldn't want to be the bachelor?  It's like getting a free pass to make out with a bunch of hot women in front of your girlfriend for "research purposes."

Step Five - Meet families, say the same thing to all of them, then break up with a girl.  Say you're just too different.  Girl blames her family because, well you just met them so they MUST be the reason.  Feel bad for a second, but hey, you've still got three smoking hot ladies to take to fantasy suites.  Feel better immediately.

Step Six - If you haven't already made a decision of who to propose to, do it now.  Introduce girls to your family.  Encourage one family member to be super hard on the girls (I'm looking at you, Grant.)  Tell your family which one you really like, then let them be the bad guys.  Break up with another girl.

Step Seven - Propose to one girl, even if you're not sure you want to marry either one.  If she says yes (and she will because she doesn't want to look like a cold hearted ice princess on national television) give it a shot.  If it works out, you got yourself a pretty attractive lady and probably some endorsement deals and appearance fees to collect.  If it doesn't work out, parlay that into a spin on Bachelor Pad where you get to make out with even more emotionally unstable attractive women with no repercussions.  Plus, you still get those appearance fees.  It's really a no lose situation.

Off to Major General Lindsey's house in small town Missouri.  Her town apparently thinks it's still WWII, because there's cannons and American flags everywhere.  There's even a jukebox in a tiny bar that I'm betting Lindsey has never set foot in before.  After a cute conversation about what to call Lindsey's dad (General? Mister?  Mark?  Hey you?) Sean gets the always comforting "I've never brought a guy I like home to my dad who has combat training, so good luck." Now it's time for Lindsey to take Sean to the cutest boot camp ever.  While I'm sure it was totally staged and directed by ABC, she made it pretty fun.  I'd pick Lindsey if I were Sean.  I realize she got a little tipsy the first night and went big with the wedding dress thing, but it was fun.  There's something to be said for fun drunk girls.  I love my wife.  She's fun all the time.  But she's like SUPER fun when she's drinking.  Can't knock a girl for getting a little goofy when she gets into the wine!

Apparently being a two star general is a big deal.  I have no clue how many two star generals there are in the Army....I know the more stars you have, the higher your rank.  But it's like saying you're a third degree black belt.  Do you know how many degrees of blackness there are in belts?  I don't.  I know it means you're good at karate, but I have no frame of reference for how good you really are.  Are you like one of the best in the world?

Lindsey's family seems pretty cool off the bat.  Her mom seems like she's the "best friend" mom.  All the other army girls probably loved going to sleepovers at Lindsey's house.  She probably was making the popcorn and leading games of "I never" while braiding the girls hair.  Mom approves, even applauding Sean for giving a non answer like "I can't comment on if I love your daughter or not."  Again Sean gets credit for being vague.  Gotta love being the Bachelor.

Now it's time to be interrogated by General Dad.  I love that Dad stands while Sean sits at the bar.  Let's just play up the "her dad's important" angle.  Sean asks for his blessing, and he gives the ABC mandated answer of "I'm going to act like I don't really understand the question so I'm going to repeat it, then talk in circles for about 45 seconds so that you think that I'm going to say no, but then I'm going to smile and shake your hand and say "of course you can marry my daughter!  See I'm not scary, military people can be cool too!"  Based on hometowns, Lindsey is definitely winning this episode.  And looking at the teasers for Sean vs. Desiree's brother, she's got this locked up.

Wait...there's a Sean special tomorrow?  There goes my hope of catching up on the DVR tomorrow night.  Damn you ABC....I was really hoping to finally watch "Sexting in Suburbia" which is in my top five lifetime movies based on name alone.

Off to LA for Sean vs. Desiree's family.  It starts with a hike in some god awful highlighter colored clothes (she's sporting a standard electric yellow tank top, He's wearing some 3/4 length bright pink board shorts.  LA fashion is weird.)  We're ending the solo date time early, so you know the family stuff is going to be good.  Des is talking stuff up, Sean's talking stuff up....and why is this the first time ever that family hasn't been at the house?  Oh.....it's because an ex-boyfriend has just showed up.  This boyfriend is the worst actor ever.  You can see him hyperventilating as he tries to act angry.  I'm still trying to figure out if ABC actually expects us to believe that this guy didn't know that Des had gone on The Bachelor and that he just happened to show up at her house the first night she's been back in five weeks.  Or maybe he's been driving by her house every night for five weeks waiting for her to come back, in which case I'd say there's a 50% chance he's got a chloroform soaked rag and some duct tape in his back pocket.  Oh wait Des is punking Sean!  Gotta admit, I fell for it, sort of.  A much better prank than the Art Gallery disaster he tried to pull on her on their first one on one date.  Des is thrilled that Sean was so protective of her.  Although if some guy walked in an put his hands on me, I'd probably get pretty testy too.  Sean's a good sport about the pranking, and says "this sets us up for a great night."  Famous last words....

Mom loves him, Dad loves him, Brother does not.  She says "he makes me happy."  Bro says "psssht.  Lots of guys could make you happy."  I love that he's got his sleeves rolled up to show off his completely random tattoos.  I love how he says "can I holla at you for a minute?" and Sean responds "yeah buddy!" These two aren't really acting like they don't like each other.  I'm convinced that they would hate each other under any circumstances.  They could be leads in some dance movie involving a girl either moving in or out of the inner city and falling for a guy from the wrong side of the tracks.

Des' brother tries to use big words like "reciprocation" to illustrate his displeasure.  He's like the definition of a "bro."  Sean calmly tries to explain his feelings, but then tells her brother "she loves all the affection I show her."  Not exactly what I'd want to hear some guy say about my sister.  "Actually dude, I'm all over her all the time, so there!"  Sean then says "my character and my integrity are number one to me."  Again, if you're the bro, don't you want to hear "your sister is number one to me?"  I'm really surprised Bro Nate didn't jump all over him on that one.  Now we're back to the awkward full family sit down.  Bro clearly runs the family.  He's used to popping off and not getting called on it.  The family tries to scold him, but it comes off as "Nate, you know you shouldn't have done that.  Would you like another piece of cake for dessert?"  Bro says he sees it ending badly for Des if she doesn't get picked.  Ya think, bro?  He clearly doesn't grasp that he's going to come out the villain in this scenario if Des doesn't make it out of this week.  He thinks it'll justify his actions.

Time for a deliberation with Chris Harrison and his fancy clothes that he designs.  Sean breaks it down right away, and guess what - the two girls he's torn between sending home are the two whose siblings weren't fully on board with the whole Bachelor love thing.  Catherine and Des will both end up blaming their families (see Step Five above).  Time for the roses.  Lindsey is wearing something that looks like a cross between a dinner dress and a Sports Illustrated swimsuit circa 1993.  She must be feeling confident to wear that baby.  Sean starts giving the girls his song and dance, but I don't even think he believes the words that are coming out of his mouth.

Des interrupts the deliberations to apologize for her brother and the tears start flowing.  Strong move by her.  He's shown preference for girls that have struggled emotionally throughout this process.  Takes a special kind of guy to tell a girl "it's alright, you have nothing to apologize for, everything's good" and then send her packing five minutes later.  Catherine's gripping, and she probably should be.  Sean's got his character and integrity to uphold after all.

After issuing roses to AshLee and Lindsey, Sean takes a lengthy pause, then puts the rose down and runs away like a scared little puppy.  He heads back into his little shrine room to stare at their pictures, because that's easier than looking the girls in the face.  What a punk move.  Chris Harrison comes in and commands him to "take as much time as he needs to get this right."  Which in Bachelor-speak means "we've only got about two more hours before the sun comes up, so hurry up or we're going to lose the lighting we need for this shot."  I love the idea that the answer is just going to come to him in the next few hours without spending any more time with either of the girls.  What's going to change...what is going to provide him with the clarity he apparently craves?  After staring into the pictures for a few more seconds, he admits that he was going to send Des home, and now he's having second thoughts because of her teary apology.  It was a good move, but Sean countered with a good move of taking a few extra moments to make it look like he was having a really tough time deciding, before doing what he was planning on doing all along despite Chris Harrison's speech to the girls about Sean having "no idea" what he was going to do.

Sean then walks her out and offers the WORST breakup speech ever.  "You have every quality I'm looking for, and I think I'm going to wake up tomorrow and realize I made a huge mistake." This is worse than when Emily sent him home and then asked him what he was thinking and started crying and made him console her.  Des tells him he's right, he is making a mistake and then cries her butt off.  In the limo, she actually says "I don't know what I'm going to do with my life" and "all I want to do is make someone else happy."  That's a byproduct of a good relationship, not a reason for a good relationship.  I'll bet she regretted saying that when she saw it on film.  At least I hope she did.

Alright we get more Tierra tomorrow night.  See y'all then!

Bachelor: Don't you dare steal my f*cking sparkle!

So the promo for "A special Valentine's Week episode of The Bachelor" claims that this week's episode will "stop your heart."  Is that in addition to stopping our brains?  Lots of tears for a Valentine's episode.  Oh yeah....these girls are all single!

Sean the rule breaker is going to ride with the girls to St. Croix.  He claims it's to spend more time with them, but I think it was an attempt to serve as a buffer between the girls and Tierra.  This way he doesn't have to spend every date rehashing the Tierra mess.  A noble effort, but one that's not going to work I'm sure.

AshLee looks like she's having trouble adjusting to the sunlight.  Her face is scrunched up like she just rubbed Preparation H all over it.  Tierra ensures that his flight with the girls was in vain as she pulls a cot out into a side room to sleep away from the rest of the girls.  She then starts talking really fast about how Sean should want to be around her as much as she wants to be around him.  AshLee gets the first date, and Tierra starts singing about the cougar being back in town.  Is that a song?  Is it a play on another song, or is that a Tierra original?  Whatever it is, it's awful and makes no sense.  A 32 year old is now a cougar?  Yikes.

Time for a boat ride to a private island!  But first you have to swim to the boat, because of the "you must spend x amount of every date in a bikini rule."  Sean claims that he's crazy about her (no way!) and that she has really "opened up" since she let him blindfold her and make out with her.  AshLee feels so good about the fact that Sean can be that person she can trust, and all her issues stem from being abandoned as a child.  Remember how she flippantly discussed her abandonment by saying "isn't that crazy?"  Yeah, apparently that was a bunch of crap.  She's clearly a candidate for an epic meltdown.  Sean apparently didn't want to try and avoid the drama with Tierra as much as I thought he did, because he brings it up.  AshLee is all too happy to talk about it, and uses the word "y'all" fourteen times to illustrate her point.  Sean's had enough of the talky talky and wants to spend a little more time rubbing their swimsuit clad bodies together.  Meanwhile, the other girls trash talk Tierra.  Go figure.

Tierra gets the second date, but is grumpy that it's an "in town" date where there's no water to show off her hooters and she might get "all sweaty."  As Lesley so eloquently puts it "I hate that bitch."

AshLee apparently needs to tell Sean some deep dark secret that's going to potentially ruin their relationship.  By all means, tell him now then!  Here's where "opening up" goes horribly wrong.  You don't need to tell the dude everything right now.  Apparently in high school, AshLee was having a rough time with her parents and as a rebellious twist - got married at 17 as a high school junior.  I'm not sure what kind of problems getting married between homeroom and social studies solves, but apparently it didn't work.  She "bawled her eyes off" the night she got married because she didn't want to do it but was tired of fighting with her mom.  Clearly a good plan.  As my friend Conor pointed out via instant message "she just basically admitted to losing her virginity as a high school junior."  Yep, I suppose she did.  Apparently, since Sean didn't immediately run for the hills because she made a bad decision 15 years ago, she feels comfortable enough to stand on a chair and yell "HELLO ST. CROIX!"  Sean, not wanting to be the only person not acting irrationally, also yells out "HELLO ST. CROIX!"  Really buddy, no variation at all?  You couldn't go with "What's up St. Croix?" or "Lookin' good St. Croix?"  Also, yelling at the top of your lungs while standing on a chair seems much more spontaneous and effervescent when you do it in the middle of a crowded restaurant.  It doesn't quite carry the same whimsy when you do it ON YOUR OWN PRIVATE ISLAND.  Still feeling the effects of revealing that she's a teenage bride, AshLee can now say "I LOVE SEAN!!" to which Sean says "awww come make out with me again you psychopath!"  As far as dates go, that was one of my least favorite of the season.  Until of course....

Tierra time!  She's hot and gross, but she's happy to be with Sean.  She loves shopping, and Sean is buying her stuff with ABC's money.   This is like Tierra's version of heaven - dudes buying her stuff.  If only it wasn't so hot, right honey?  She thinks Sean knows her because he's buying her the stuff she picks up and looks at.  How does he know????  Tierra continues her maniacal mystery tour by gushing "THIS IS THE BEST DATE EVAR!"  Sean's blown away by her energy and how much fun he's having with her.  Back at the house, the girls are still talking mess about Tierra.

Sean's determined to get to the bottom of this on the steps of a church over some snocones.  Tierra basically says the exact opposite of what AshLee said, claiming the girls exclude her.  She also claims she wouldn't do anything differently, because "these girls aren't going to be around much longer."  That kind of arrogance just pisses me off.  Maybe some guys like the whole "let's ditch these bitches and fall in love for real" attitude, but it drives me up a wall.  Stop acting like you're the only person on this show - everyone knows it isn't true and it's stupid to pretend otherwise.  If you want to date a guy without him dating other women, you probably shouldn't go on a reality show based around that entire scenario, hmm?

Tierra's not sure that Sean and her are on the same page. She talks about how she thinks Sean has been distant all day, to which Sean initially says "no I wasn't," but then thinks "maybe she's right, I WAS DISTANT!"  What just happened?  She just basically talked him into saying that the other girls were affecting his relationship with her.  He's so into this girl, he's willing to go along with her warped version of reality just to keep her from getting grumpy with him?  Amazingly, he can't figure out that by agreeing with her, he's reaffirming her whacked out belief that the girls are the problem here.  Sean, incredibly, admits that he's sure she's not nice to the other women, but he doesn't care because she's nice to him and "really at the end of this she won't be around the girls anyways."  DUDE.  What the hell is he going to do when his sister, or his friends, or his parents say "she's kinda shady man."  Is he going to be like "you know what, she probably is a bitch to you guys, but it's ok because she's really nice to me?"  Who wants to be with someone who treats other people like crap?   How could anyone be ok with that?  I hate you Sean, you're not sincere at all.  You're a horny idiot who likes curvy girls that tell you how awesome you are.  That in itself doesn't make you a bad person, because I like it when people tell me how awesome I am - but pretending that you're a humble guy that's in this for love and only love does make you bad person.  I hope you end up with Tierra and you get cheated on two months after the show ends and end up on Bachelor Pad shacking up with Emily Maynard because neither of you can keep a significant other.  There, I said it.

Time for the group date!  Apparently we've reached the obligatory "I need to sneak into the women's room before dawn to wake up the tired girls" date.  The girls bitch and moan about how ugly they are without makeup, but I would've loved it if one of them had said "man Selma would've HATED this date."  Time to watch the sun rise!  They talk about how awesome it is to be the first people in America to see the sun come up.  Sean then says something about how "they had the unique experience of watching the sun rise," which happens like every day and I see it on my way to work about half the year, but whatever buddy.  They're also going to get the unique experience of watching the sun set over the ocean.  Ok, so watching it rise and set over the ocean in the same day is kind of unique, I'll give him that.  The date is basically driving the entire island.  They stop at a few places, and Des gets some quality time at the jungle tree house, much to the chagrin of Catherine and Lesley, who make no attempt whatsoever to disrupt their mojo.  Why, I'm not sure.  They both clearly recognize what is going on, and yet they both sit there and do nothing.  Catherine claims she wants the rose "real bad" but her actions say otherwise.  Des says she deserves the rose, and based on what ABC showed, I'd have to agree.  Her and Lesley are at the top of my "big board" right now.  If I were ranking them, I think it'd be Lesley, Des, Catherine, Lindsey, AshLee and Tierra, in that order.  Lindsey (who Sean is "crazy" about, of course) makes crazy eyes at Sean their entire one on one time, but Sean doesn't seem to notice...he's totally into her.

Catherine goes with the AshLee method of spending one on one time to open up about some stuff.  Turns out her dad was abused and didn't handle it well and when she was 14 her dad tried to commit suicide in front of her.  Yikes.  Who knew seeing someone getting crushed by a tree wouldn't be the most memorable moment of her childhood?  It's a little more relevant because hometown dates are coming up and this is something that could come up.  Sean, in true narcissistic fashion, says that she probably felt nervous to tell him because she knows how important his relationship with his dad is and she thought he'd like her less because she isn't close to her dad.  I'm blown away at what a douche bag thing that was to say.  Catherine wasn't nervous because you love your dad Sean.  It's just something that's not comfortable to talk about with anyone.  Ugh.

Tierra meanwhile has had enough of the other girls.  She's ready to explode.  Sweet Jesus.  She's crazy.  Speaking of crazy, Ol' Crazy Eyes Lindsey gets the rose.  I'm not sure how that happened.  He's shown a propensity to give the rose to the girl who is the most emotional on dates, and Catherine won that one hands down.  He also appeared to have the most fun with Des.  Mystifying, this Sean guy.

Sean needs to just get away and talk with Lesley.  "These dates get so big and glamorous and that sometimes get in the way" he says.  Why he needs this time with Lesley and not with any of the other girls is beyond me.  He then says "my relationship with Lesley isn't where it is with some of the other girls."  Ok, that surprises me.  Again, it looks like my favorite is going down.  The more she talks about how much she loves Sean and how she's going to love his family and all that, the more I think she's going home.  Sean asks if there's anything else he needs to know, and Lesley tells us "I need to let him know I love him."  She then gets to the moment when she should tell him she loves him and instead suggests they pick fruit.  Oooof.  Sean is not feeling the love.  "There hasn't been much kissing," he moans.  Ah there we go.  She's not physical enough for him.  Sorry, don't think the Sean show will be heading to Arkansas Lesley.

Sean's brooding on a dock.  He needs some advice - so he brings in his sister!  Yes, nothing like getting advice from someone who doesn't know any of the girls.  His sister's advice is awesome - it's basically "you're going to drop two of these girls, and they'll get over it."  His sister wants him to pick someone who clearly loves him which apparently means she's leaning towards the two crazies Tierra and AshLee.  Speaking of those two, they're having a heart to heart.

AshLee is pissed that Tierra thinks she's sabotaging her relationship with Sean.  AshLee is calmly trying to explain that it's rude to not respond to someone who says good morning.  Tierra says that this is because "I'm not into all that high school crap."  Who knew that saying good morning was childish?  Yikes.  Sean's sister says "just don't end up with the girl everyone hates.  Death blow for Tierra?  If it's not, this episode will end their relationship.  Tierra's still claiming sabotage.  She's talking about how guys love her and she can't control her eyebrows because she hasn't had botox.  What the heck is going on here?  She then claims that she has a sparkle and her parents told her not to have the girls "steal her sparkle."  In the name of all that is holy please let Tierra survive this episode.  I NEED to see the parents that told their daughter not to let her sparkle get stolen.  This explains so much about Tierra.  Does she still live at home?  If not, I'll bet she's got an apartment down the street.

As much as ABC tries to make it seem like this battle took place JUST before Sean shows up to bring Tierra to meet his sister, there's no way.  I think Lesley changed her outfit.  Tierra's crying her ass off and moaning about their date is weighing heavy on her heart and AshLee sabotaged their time together.  Tierra's really got Sean wrapped around her finger.  Sean says he needs a second, and I think he's going to get AshLee or the other girls version of the events.  Nope, he's going outside to pace the driveway.  Great move Sean.  Way to nip this drama in the bud you moron.

Apparently his driveway stroll worked, because now he knows what he needs to do.  He tells Tierra he wants her to meet his sister, and she bursts into tears.  Why?  I'm not sure.  But Sean tells her he's CRAZY about her.  That's the third girl tonight he's been crazy about.  He then decides enough is enough and sends her packing.  I feel so cheated right now.  We were put through all this crazy, and we don't get to see the sparkle parents?  Boo ABC!  You just stole my sparkle, you assholes.  Sean walks her out and Tierra looks pissed.  Sean apologizes and says "I think the world of you."  Tierra, quite astutely says "obviously not enough."  Sean has no response.  Tierra blames the girls first, then realizes that Sean's the one that doesn't want her there and reassures herself that she'll come out of this with her sparkle intact.  Sean makes his way back to his sister and tries to play it off like he came to this realization that Tierra was crazy all on his own, but it very clearly was his sister's presence that expedited this move.  I'm immediately concerned for whatever girl Sean ends up with, since it looks like Sean's sister has enormous pull in his relationships.

The girls are all speculating what's happened in the past few hours.  AshLee is all of a sudden concerned that Tierra has the capability of sabotaging her relationship.  Ironic, isn't it?  Sean shows up sans Tierra and explains that he's not looking for someone who is a source of drama.  AshLee feels like she's being talked to directly.  Lesley concurs.  AshLee is really starting to freak out a little bit because she's given "every ounce" of herself to Sean.  To the roses!

Chris Harrison is here to tell everyone "I know you're all happy Tierra left, but remember one of you is following her out the door!"  AshLee is really close to losing it right now.  If she's the one that leaves, it could get real ugly up in this piece.  My guess is that last rose comes down to AshLee and Lesley.  Des is safe.  Catherine is safe.  So yep, I'm right.  Chris comes back in to make sure that both girls have a little more time to get emotional...and then Sean sends Lesley packing.  After all that talk about drama, I don't blame Lesley for being confused.  She had like the least drama of anyone the entire season, and she gets the boot?  Poor girl.  AshLee, in the meantime, thinks that the rose means she can trust Sean and calls him her "husband."  Catherine, who is safe, has lost it.  She's crying her eyes out.  For whatever reason, she thought Lesley was going to win this competition, and now is shattered.  I'm confused - did she want to finish this thing in second place?  Did she want to be sent home?  I'm flummoxed.

Tune in next week when Desiree's brother calls Sean a horny pervert and calls him out for a fight!  I guess that'll make up for not meeting the source of Tierra's sparkle.  Why can't there be two episodes this week?

Bachelor Two Night Extravaganza Part 2

Didn't we just do this?  I'm really not looking forward to another two hours of Tierra being Tierrable and Tierrorizing the other girls while laughing like a Tierradactyl, but I'm guessing that's what we're going to get.  At least she almost dies AGAIN.  Or so the teasers make it look.  Can we get this started?

Lake Louise!  I've actually been there.  Pretty cool place.  Of course I went there with my family and not two limousines full of pretty girls.  Sean gives the girls a pep talk letting them know if they don't get a rose they get on the first plane smokin' back to the States.

AshLee says "honestly, I feel like there IS tension in the house...." pulling into a very early lead for most obvious statement.  Catherine gets the first one-on-one, making Daniella's face morph into something borderline terrifying.  Best to get out of the house for your date, Catherine.  Here - let ABC drop you off in the middle of a snowstorm in cute clothes!  Not to fear, Sean hijacked Bigfoot's SUV so they can go play on a glacier.  Sean views Catherine as the cure to his "girls be CRAYZAY" blues.  They go sledding in the first ever blizzard to feature blue sky (c'mon, how bad could it have possibly been if you're not even wearing eye protection?) and Sean proclaims Catherine to have passed the blizzard test.  He says that what he wants from his wife is someone who's not going to complain about bad weather, or something along those lines.  I still don't see him picking Catherine, but she does seem to be the most easy-going of the ladies.   I also think this bodes well for her post-Bachelor life....which may come by the end of this date if she doesn't "open up" about something tragic in her life.  That's usually what people start looking for at this point of the show right?  You've gotta have some sort of tragic explanation for why you're still single, or you're not "showing your vulnerable side."

Catherine is maybe not as easy going as I thought....she's "over the moon" and "wants everything."  She also says she "wants him to know everything."  Is there some sort of scary back story?  Maybe we'll find out....but first let's sit in a tiny ice castle.

Back at the house, group date roster is announced, and Daniella's back on it.  She lost it last night because she wasn't getting alone time, and Sean rewarded her with a rose.  Apparently he feels that'll do for now.  Daniella gets the investigative reporter treatment (Tell me how you feel?) from the girls and she tries to play it off like she's cool, but as soon as she's in her confessional she's crying.  Because it's perfectly natural to cry over a guy you've never gone on a date with, right?

Cut to the date and Catherine's got her tragic story to tell and it happened when she was 12!  Is it molestation?  Family member with terminal illness?  Nope....girl crushed by tree at summer camp.  Tragic?  For that girl's family, absolutely.  For her?  I'd say more traumatic.  Sean's heard all he needs to hear though, as he lets her know that she's so special and he's crazy about her as he gives her a rose.  This means she's on the exact same level as all the other girls.  I feel like Sean is crazy about the special shampoo he uses in the morning too at this point.  Catherine is happy she "opened up" to him....but I'm not sure saying "yo I saw someone get crushed by a tree!" is really something that's hard to tell someone.  Did she really feel like a weight had been lifted?

Canoe time - and AshLee has to prove her love by running and being the first to hug Sean.  Then in an amazing display of hypocrisy, then flips out when Lesley volunteers immediately to share a canoe with Sean.  Unbelievable.  My wife, who fancies herself a bit of a canoe expert, is incredulous that they'd put Sarah the handi-capable all-star of the group in the back of a canoe to steer.  Sarah, to her credit, vows to give 110%.  No issues seem to arise from this.

Now it's time for a polar plunge!  First we've got to have a talk from an EMT - the water is barely above freezing, you could get hypothermia.....blah blah blah.  Why does Sean keep taking this merry band of princesses into situations they're completely horrible for?  Oh yeah, so we all keep watching him on his self destructive path to an engagement with Tierra.  Let's see some near death experiences!

Selma already has said "I don't need to die for this," but will she jump in anyways?  She's adamant she's staying out of this, even going so far to say "I'm from Baghdad, we are a desert people."  Although I remember her saying something about hating the heat during her rock climbing expedition.  I actually respect Selma for sitting this one out and putting her own desires over Sean's wishes to see some nipples.  AshLee on the other hand "hopes Sean understands that he's the first guy that's ever made her want to do something for someone else."  Daniella also wants Sean to see how fun and cool and hot she is.  If you were on a one on one date, that might happen, but with six other girls......not gonna happen.

And they're in!  Woo! It's cold. Lesley says "that was awesome!  I bared my soul!" but as she says this, she flashes her bikini.  Soul = Boobs.  Got it.  Puts a new spin on this James Brown song, doesn't it?  Meanwhile, Tierra is starting to go downhill.  She can't breathe, and now all the girls who have documented hatred for her overreacting to injuries are immediately running to her aide.  My belief is that she thinks she's colder than she is and started hyperventilating.  It's more psychological than physiological.  This is confirmed when she throws a pouty face out and says "I'm missing time with him!!"  I think she really started to feel cold, then thought about "what if I'm going into shock?" and boom....she's in shock.  Catherine and Des are concerned for the other girls safety - until they come back screaming like they just got off the bus from a Barn Dance.

Also, if I can get a hotel room with a big robe and a giant burger and a licensed medical professional to put my socks on for me, show me what lake to jump in!  The girls have now determined that she did it all for the attention, which Sean of course gives her.  Tierra tells him "I can't believe I got hurt again!  I told them 'after all this guy better marry me!'"  Sean nervously says "that could happen," and quickly changes the subject.  He decides to leave her home, but that sneaky raccoon has found her way to the trashcan before, hasn't she?

Lesley sums it up by saying "now there's six because Tierra is dying of FROSTBITE."  AshLee says "this just guarantees no drama," which is the harbinger of certain doom for this after party.  Lesley gushes about how how great the experience was, and earns the first lip lock of the night.  Next up is Sarah who shows him old family photos, which are basically "cute little girl with one arm" pictures.  She gets a much less passionate kiss than Lesley, but still coos "oh my goodness" as they get up to leave.

Look who's getting ready to crash the party....again!  Tierra's on the prowl!  "Sean, this better be worth it," she menaces.  While all the girls sit around talking shit about her, Tierra slinks into the room.  Someone cusses.  Sean of course is ecstatic to see her and even offers to carry her!  What is wrong with this man?  She just walked her ass all the way over to where you are, she doesn't need to be carried to a couch in the next room.  Sean asks if she wants a proposal at the end of this, and of course Tierra says "yes, if I fall in love with you."  She also thinks she deserves the rose.  And maybe she'll get it, but first he needs to make out with Lindsey.

Sean does a great job of making it SEEM like he's going to give the rose to Tierra, but PSYCH! It goes to Lesley.  "I got the rose!  That was all me!" she gloats.  Ugh.  Tierra can't believe she almost was visible to Haley Joel Osment for a third time this season and didn't get a rose.

Sean's made a decision to send Sarah home, meaning he's now weeded out nearly every minority on the show.  The only ones left are Catherine and Selma, who I suppose qualify as minorities, but just barely.  Sean does a decent job of stating his feelings, and I really don't have anything snarky to say about this breakup.  Sarah keeps it together until he leaves before the waterworks come.  Sarah tells the girls, and then says "this always happens to me, I knew what he was going to say but I wanted to hear his explanation....because it's always the same."  I feel pretty bad for her actually, but lets be honest - if you don't love someone who hasn't done anything specifically wrong, what else are you going to say?  You're always going to say "you're awesome, I want nothing but the best for you, you'll find your love someday soon....."  Did she want him to say "honestly, you kiss like an elderly librarian and the thought of meeting your dad who you've already said has conditioned you to expect a man to be the answer to all your problems freaks the hell out of me?"  Sorry Sarah, hope you're smart enough not to go on Bachelor Pad, because I think that would break you.

Christ, I completely forgot Desiree still had a date tonight!  My fingers are starting to cramp here, ABC!    Daniella is starting to think she really likes Sean because she's so desperate for attention, and now she's wondering what Desiree has that she doesn't.  Because she's too self absorbed to realize that the answer is "personality," I hope to God she thinks it's her dark hair and dyes her hair.  That would be the best.  Make this happen, Daniella!

Des seems shocked that she has to do something pseudo death defying.  In case you're wondering the answer to "how high is this cliff?" is 400 feet.  No less than four times are we reminded.  Des says "if anything goes wrong, you could die!"  No fewer than two  seconds later, her shoe slips off the rock and.....nothing happens.  JESUS THAT WAS CLOSE!  What a crock these "extreme" dates are.  I think she'd have been in more danger if they'd taken an elevator in the hotel.  This doesn't stop her from giving us the "Sean makes this easier" and "repelling is like a relationship" clichés.  Ugh.  I thought you were better than this Des.

Time to climb some trees!  "Let me show you how we climb trees in Texas," Sean brags.  Not shockingly, it looks pretty much how I climbed trees in Oregon.  Next, Des hops into the tree.  "I did this my whole childhood," she boasts.  Again, what kid didn't climb trees as a kid?  These two bring out the worst in each other, I'm convinced.  After climbing up about two branches, they act like they're on top of the world and shout "HELLO CANADA" at the top of their lungs.  Better than "I'm the king of the world!" but the passing Elk barely gives them a second look.

Back on the date, they walk through the woods at night, past a raccoon in a tree.  I rewound the tape to make sure it wasn't Tierra, but the lack of glitter and a medical bracelet confirm that it is just a regular raccoon.  Teepee time!  They both say that the tree climbing was their favorite part of the date, confirming that climbing a ten foot tree is more exhilarating than repelling down a 400 foot cliff.  Time for Des to open up.  Turns out she lived in a tent for a while.  Amazingly, she doesn't seem phased by this at all. "we lived in small apartments too," she says.   My wife is wondering if she's going to show up as Sean's parents house and say "yo' your house is amazing!" when she sees his niece's playhouse in the backyard.  The tent revelation qualifies on the "significant tragic background" scale, and Sean gives her a rose.  "I opened up about living in a tent and now I'm falling in love in a teepee." Des coos as we head to commercial.  Ugh.

Time for the rose ceremony - or as the women call it "time to talk shit about Tierra!"  "let's be honest, you're gonna wife THAT?" Selma, honey, I could say the same thing about the girl who complains about it being too hot on one date and too cold on the other.  Wait...now she's going to kiss him?  This girl who I was so proud of for sticking to her guns and not jumping in the lake is now going to show him how much she loves him by sacrificing everything we thought she held dear.  No morals with this girl.  Major points lost.

Lindsay is up next and I think she's pretty drunk again.  She's trying to go anti Selma and not kiss him for once.  She then reveals she sleeps naked....and caves on the kissing thing after 45 seconds.  What the hell just happened?  Sean loved it though.  "I feel like I could tell Lindsay anything" he says.  I agree.  She won't remember it in the morning.

AshLee is up next, and she has some hyper emotional and way-too-deep reason that she wants Sean to blindfold her.  It has something to do with being put up for adoption and giving control of her life over to Sean.  Sean of course makes out with her.  He could've led her around the room, sticking with her over the top metaphor and proving that even when she can't see the right way to go, he will always be there to help show her the way, but instead he jams his tongue in her mouth.  Can't get enough, can you buddy?  I'm not an AshLee fan.

Mercifully, we've come to the rose ceremony time.  Apparently TWO more girls are leaving tonight?  He already 86'd Captain Hook, and now who?  My money's on Selma and Daniella.  Sean's gone from 'my wife is here' to 'nope she's not' to 'well....maybe.'  Let's find who definitely won't be already.  Lindsay gets the first rose, AshLee gets the second, and.......(move out of the way already Chris Harrison!)....Tierra!  YES!!!!!  So glad that Selma shamed her family and compromised her heritage for an extra 26 minutes with Sean.  Serves her right in my opinion.....although Sean probably had more beef with her unwillingness to jump into icy cold water.

Daniella...well her exit goes about how you'd expect.  "I just want to find love so badly..." blah, blah blah.  Sean tells the remaining six "it was hard to say goodbye to both of those ladies," as if they don't even merit their names being said again on national television.  He then tells them to pack their bikinis because they're going to St. Croix!  Well if you made them pack the swimsuits to Canada in the winter, I'm pretty sure they're bringing them to the equator.  I'm starting to get the opinion that we could've settled this in 6 hours instead of six weeks if they'd all just worn bikinis and made out with him in succession.  I'm fairly sure that's what he's basing this "competition" on at this point.

Bachelor Two Night Extravaganza: Part One

Has it been explained to us why we're doing two nights this week?  Is it just because Whitefish, Montana was so spectacular that the ladies provided THAT much material?  How is it that Chris Harrison hasn't said "Montana is the most DRAMATIC location that we have EVER been to!"

Chris does get the ladies fired up by telling them that they're packing their bags for their worldwide tour, but the "you're going to Montana" proclamation doesn't elicit quite the squealing reaction that we're accustomed to.

Selma wants to thank Sean for putting the ladies up at a cozy lodge.  Yes, because Sean planned all of this.  Lindsey the girl who isn't from DC, gets the one on one date and is so happy she cries about it.  Sean wants to see if she "could potentially be his wife."  Now might be time to start figuring that out, buddy.  How better to do that than in a helicopter over Glacier National Park.  They have a picnic on a patch of tundra where the only food served is each other's tongues.  The conversation isn't much more filling, as they say "I feel like I already know you."  "I think you do.  And I know you.  Here have some more of my tongue."

Somehow we're already on to the dinner portion of the date.  Sean's talking about how amazing the day was, but ABC just summed it up in about 45 seconds.  Lindsey has daddy issues, but like the right kind of issues as her dad was a general who was off defending the country.  She might be the first person in Bachelor history to have "healthy issues."  Sean, the self proclaimed Prince of Sincerity, recognizes it in Lindsey and gives her the same thing thing for dinner she had for lunch - his tongue.

The group date comes out, but what's more important is who is not on it - Tierra and the pretty redhead whose name escapes me.  Tierra's fired up about it, meaning she's probably going to treat it like a one on one date and redhead's going to be just a third wheel that gets sent home.  Some girl says Tierra looks like "happy as a bee filled with honey" which is like saying she's as happy as a "cow filled with milk."  Yeesh.

Back on with Lindsey, Sean gives her the rose and then takes her downtown to be serenaded by Sarah Darling.  If you're asking who Sarah Darling is, get in line.  Wikipedia explains that she lost a reality show (go figure!) because Wayne Newton thought she wasn't slutty enough for Vegas or something like that.  Also, she sold 8,000 digital copies of a song, winning some award for "most downloads of a song by someone nobody's ever heard of." Whitefish loves her though.  Although the loudest cheers seemed to be when Sean and his abs showed up, and then when Ms. Darling said "looking good Montana!" which always cracks me up.  Why do people go nuts at concerts when the performer says their cities name?   Is it a surprise?  "oh my God, Sarah Darling just said MONTANA!!!!!  She knows about us!"  It always mystifies me.

Sean's going for another "active" group date.  It's funny because this might be the most un-athletic batch of ladies ever to appear on an ABC show not named Wipeout.  The volleyball date featured a lot more of the ball in the sand than being volleyed, and they were so bad at rollerskating that someone went to the hospital and they cancelled the roller derby.  The Montana Relay involves canoeing, bucking hay, sawing logs and milking a goat and then drinking the fruits of their labor.  Selma and Robin set a new record for canoeing futility, to which my wife says 'how have they never canoed before?"  I try to explain that I've never really canoed before, and she's just incredulous.  People in Wisconsin canoe, OK?  Don't ever forget it.

The lead the blue team built up while Robin and Selma were playing bumper boats with themselves evaporates at the hay bucking when blue team breaks their bale.  I could make a comment to my wife about "how have they never moved hay bales before?" but that just seems like it'd be in mean spirits.  She can read it in the blog tomorrow.  In any event, Desiree chugs goat milk like she just ate 14 Oreos and brings it home for the red team.  I'm glad, because now we don't have to see the water works from Sarah as she talks about how her one arm prevented her team from winning, prompting Sean to say everyone can stay and, surprise, you all get roses!  ABC might have rigged this to avoid that exact scenario.

Chris takes us to commercial be reminding us how shocked we're going to be about tomorrow night's girl falls into freezing cold water and requires medical attention event.  At this point, nothing is going to shock me because I think after the 47th teaser I've seen this week, I'm pretty sure I've got the gist of it.  Back at the house, Chris shows up and HOLY CRAP I ALMOST CALLED THIS!!  He's invited the blue team back to join them!   Of course he did.  Sean just has to go out of his way to prove how sincere he is about this journey.  He's like those people who have to prove how amazing things are by saying "amaze-balls"  or something equally absurd that really just means the same thing as amazing.  Sean hopes the winning team understands his process.  Selma's pissed and wonders why she just crashed her canoe into a bush and almost cost her team to lose.  Robyn is pissed that she didnt' get extra time with Sean, even though she is getting extra time while the blue team is primping.  Meanwhile, back at the house, Tierra who was so happy that she didn't get to go on the group date so she'd get more alone time, is now suddenly pissed she isn't on the group date, so she steals someones sweaty lumberjack competition shirt and makes her way over to the party to surprise Sean.  Apparently Whitefish really isn't very big.  Also, high praise for the producer who asked Sean "are you expecting any other surprises tonight?" as Tierra creeps around like a sparkly raccoon before throwing her little paws over his eyes and cooing "guess who?"  God I hate this woman.

Tierra starts talking about how she "came all the way to Montana" to spend time with Sean.  Really?  You did this all on your own?  She is the absolute worst.  She pulls the "two on one date is a slap in the face" card and then says "tomorrow we'll have more time to talk and have fun" out the other side of her mouth.  Ugh.  She then leaves before any of the other girls see her, which is really disappointing.  Sean's gotta let them know at the end of the night that this happens right?  He knows Tierra is absolutely going to spill the beans and all hell is going to break loose, right?

Des gets some one on one time, but is interrupted by AshLee, who goes for the crazy intense angle and the very played out "this is a fairy tale to me, and it's hard to think of you with other people" blah blah blah.  Sean tells her he's crazy about her, which is of course exactly what she wants to hear.  For a sincere guy, he shovels a lot of bullshit.  He then tells Catherine he loves her because he doesn't have to worry about her and she looks super cute...which is exactly what SHE wants to hear, and then Daniella, who is crying because he likes the other girls, "he tells her how much he loves spending time with her and she's not being forgotten and that's what SHE wants to hear and now it's all better and she gets to make out with him and everything is AMAZING!  Just please give out a rose so we can move on here Sean.  And please, for the love of God, give it to someone on the red team......nope, he gives it to the most emotional blue team girl - Daniella.  How can this guy be so sensitive to the girls needs, and yet so insensitive at the same time?  It's amazing.  He's somehow figured out how to make the girls love him, then instead of hating him, they seem to hate that they love him, and now they love that they hate loving him and he's the only person who has ever stirred these passions inside them and they'll follow him into the pits of hell if he asked them.  I'm awestruck that this guy is able to spin this web armed only with a few muscles and some platitudes.

Also, did you know someone requires medical attention tomorrow?

Tierra's still basking in her own boldness from sneaking over to the group date.  She's cackling to herself that "Jackie has no clue she's going on a date with me and my husband."  My God this looks like the most uncomfortable car ride ever for these two.  Jackie thinks Sean looks good on a horse.  As if he doesn't look good other times.  Jackie got the crappy horse (CONVENIENT!) and the quiet girl doesn't get a chance to join in the conversation.  She decides she needs to level the playing field by talking shit about Tierra.

She gets her one on one time and tells Sean that she wants to make sure that Sean knows she's "real and what he sees is what he gets with her."  Sean asks if she's implying other girls aren't, and Jackie picks up on the subtle hint that Sean wants her to drop it, but she just can't help herself.  She has to comment that Tierra thought a guy at the airport was cute.  OH MY GOD!  You know what?  My wife has an open crush on Mitch Canham, former OSU baseball player.  My mom told me yesterday that her favorite commercial was the Calvin Klein one where some angry looking dude in underpants flexes all those muscles in his torso I will never have.  People think other people are cute, it's not a crime.  It doesn't break up families.  Jackie just sealed her fate (although we already knew this since Tierra has already been seen in the teasers for the ice breaking calamity that is tomorrow night.

Moving on to dinner, and the conversation is....lacking.  What do these dates actually prove?  I don't think they ever accomplish anything in terms of actually confirming or changing feelings.  The dates go terribly and you have to drop who you were planning on dropping coming into the date.  Tierra gets her one on one time and says that she's scared "because she has the biggest heart, and I'm just scared."  Sean asks her to elaborate, and it turns out that having a big heart means that your boyfriend died while battling a drug addiction.  Well, after that story, there's no way she's going home.  One girl uses her one on one time to say "well she thought some dude at the airport was cute," and the other says "my boyfriend was a drug addict and it killed him."  Who are you going to feel closer to?  Sean ends up giving Tierra the rose, saying "thanks for opening up, it hasn't always been easy, and now I understand why."  I'm not sure that dead drug boyfriend has anything to do with sneaking over to group dates to play a flirty game of "Guess Who?" but Sean sees the correlation.

Tierra gets fireworks and a rose and looks like she's forgotten completely about her deceased bff/boyfriend.  Jackie is crying and thank God ABC didn't superimpose the fireworks into the rear window of the limo as she's driving awa.....oh never mind they'll just superimpose them OVER the limo as it drives away.  Can always count on them to be predictable.  They know why we watch.

Time for the cocktail party - and the girls are a little bummed Tierra is still around.  I think now that she's got the rose, she'll drop that she made her way over to the group date.  We'll see.  Sean feels a weight has been lifted after the group date, which means he's an idiot.  Tierra is the weight, and she's only going to get heavier as she gets closer to "winning."

Des has figured out that Sean gives roses to charity cases.  Sean tells her "I get why other girls on your team would be upset, but not you.  You don't need the rose."  What?  Everyone needs roses on this show Sean.  If you don't have a rose, you don't stay around.  What an idiot.  He's like baiting Desiree to say "I'm confused why you kept Tierra."  She's not taking the bait though, because he's already established a record of sending people home who question his decisions on other girls.

Tierra's feeling the heat, and storms out of the room.  "honestly, I wish I was a fighter because I would beat the *bleep* out of all these bitches!"   Which is like saying "I wish I was rich, because then I'd buy stuff."  Robin wants to turn this into a bad girls club, which means nothing to me, but probably makes sense to most reality junkies.  Then they have a conversation where neither of them make a lick of sense, but Tierra is the least-sensiest.  "YOU'RE INSECURE!  I COULD GET ENGAGED IF I WANT!  THERE'S PLENTY OF GUYS OUT THERE!"  Of course some girl will take it upon herself to point this comment out to Sean, and he'll thank her and then send her home for bad mouthing Tierra.  He's gotta be keeping her around because he's hoping to cop a feel on her or something, right?   There's no other possible explanation for keeping this psycho around.

Sean walks in and catches Tierra saying "my stinger will come out" and NOW he's like "oh, maybe she  IS different around the girls?"  He asks Tierra what's going on, and Tierra says "they're attacking me about everything."  He asks for specifics, and she has none.  What should be obvious to Sean is that Tierra is a very polarizing person and that he's going to be dealing with this as long as she's around - and that goes for after the show is over.  Sean is wondering if she's the sweet girl he thinks she is, or if she's this person EVERYONE ELSE AROUND HIM IS SAYING SHE IS.  We've all been there...hell most of my dating in college involved people around me saying "um....buddy?" and me saying "No dude, you just don't know her like I do!" and then a few months later me going "WHY DIDN'T YOU GUYS TELL ME???"  But then again, I was 19.

Finally, we get our first shot of the Bachelor staring at 5x7's of the ladies with a perplexed look on his face.  Chris is also here to act as Sean's sounding board.  Chris seems to be steering this towards "dude you're conflicted - put the fear of God in these ladies."  Sean, for the first time, says he's not sure he can see his wife in the room.  So, even though he's been on the show and seen it not work out before, he's only now entertaining the idea that he might not be getting married at the end of this?  He's so much dumber than we imagined!

Chris works the girls over pretty good, and Sean comes in to really grind them down.  This is not going to be a happy rose ceremony.  My guess is that Robin goes home, mostly because she's the only girl I can't remember him telling she meant so much to him.  Tierra, Daniella, and Lindsey are safe.  The roses go to Selma, Catherine, Lesley, AshLee, and Sarah....leaving Des and Robin to sweat it out on the final rose.  I was right again, as Des gets the call and Robin gets the boot.  Yet another girl who confronted or mentioned Tierra bites the dust.  Unreal.  That was one of the most unemotional goodbye ever as he says "good luck" and shuts the door to the limo.  Props to Robin for not bringing race into her dismissal.  I am happy to say I was wrong about that one.

Back at it tomorrow!