So the promo for "A special Valentine's Week episode of The Bachelor" claims that this week's episode will "stop your heart." Is that in addition to stopping our brains? Lots of tears for a Valentine's episode. Oh yeah....these girls are all single!
Sean the rule breaker is going to ride with the girls to St. Croix. He claims it's to spend more time with them, but I think it was an attempt to serve as a buffer between the girls and Tierra. This way he doesn't have to spend every date rehashing the Tierra mess. A noble effort, but one that's not going to work I'm sure.
AshLee looks like she's having trouble adjusting to the sunlight. Her face is scrunched up like she just rubbed Preparation H all over it. Tierra ensures that his flight with the girls was in vain as she pulls a cot out into a side room to sleep away from the rest of the girls. She then starts talking really fast about how Sean should want to be around her as much as she wants to be around him. AshLee gets the first date, and Tierra starts singing about the cougar being back in town. Is that a song? Is it a play on another song, or is that a Tierra original? Whatever it is, it's awful and makes no sense. A 32 year old is now a cougar? Yikes.
Time for a boat ride to a private island! But first you have to swim to the boat, because of the "you must spend x amount of every date in a bikini rule." Sean claims that he's crazy about her (no way!) and that she has really "opened up" since she let him blindfold her and make out with her. AshLee feels so good about the fact that Sean can be that person she can trust, and all her issues stem from being abandoned as a child. Remember how she flippantly discussed her abandonment by saying "isn't that crazy?" Yeah, apparently that was a bunch of crap. She's clearly a candidate for an epic meltdown. Sean apparently didn't want to try and avoid the drama with Tierra as much as I thought he did, because he brings it up. AshLee is all too happy to talk about it, and uses the word "y'all" fourteen times to illustrate her point. Sean's had enough of the talky talky and wants to spend a little more time rubbing their swimsuit clad bodies together. Meanwhile, the other girls trash talk Tierra. Go figure.
Tierra gets the second date, but is grumpy that it's an "in town" date where there's no water to show off her hooters and she might get "all sweaty." As Lesley so eloquently puts it "I hate that bitch."
AshLee apparently needs to tell Sean some deep dark secret that's going to potentially ruin their relationship. By all means, tell him now then! Here's where "opening up" goes horribly wrong. You don't need to tell the dude everything right now. Apparently in high school, AshLee was having a rough time with her parents and as a rebellious twist - got married at 17 as a high school junior. I'm not sure what kind of problems getting married between homeroom and social studies solves, but apparently it didn't work. She "bawled her eyes off" the night she got married because she didn't want to do it but was tired of fighting with her mom. Clearly a good plan. As my friend Conor pointed out via instant message "she just basically admitted to losing her virginity as a high school junior." Yep, I suppose she did. Apparently, since Sean didn't immediately run for the hills because she made a bad decision 15 years ago, she feels comfortable enough to stand on a chair and yell "HELLO ST. CROIX!" Sean, not wanting to be the only person not acting irrationally, also yells out "HELLO ST. CROIX!" Really buddy, no variation at all? You couldn't go with "What's up St. Croix?" or "Lookin' good St. Croix?" Also, yelling at the top of your lungs while standing on a chair seems much more spontaneous and effervescent when you do it in the middle of a crowded restaurant. It doesn't quite carry the same whimsy when you do it ON YOUR OWN PRIVATE ISLAND. Still feeling the effects of revealing that she's a teenage bride, AshLee can now say "I LOVE SEAN!!" to which Sean says "awww come make out with me again you psychopath!" As far as dates go, that was one of my least favorite of the season. Until of course....
Tierra time! She's hot and gross, but she's happy to be with Sean. She loves shopping, and Sean is buying her stuff with ABC's money. This is like Tierra's version of heaven - dudes buying her stuff. If only it wasn't so hot, right honey? She thinks Sean knows her because he's buying her the stuff she picks up and looks at. How does he know???? Tierra continues her maniacal mystery tour by gushing "THIS IS THE BEST DATE EVAR!" Sean's blown away by her energy and how much fun he's having with her. Back at the house, the girls are still talking mess about Tierra.
Sean's determined to get to the bottom of this on the steps of a church over some snocones. Tierra basically says the exact opposite of what AshLee said, claiming the girls exclude her. She also claims she wouldn't do anything differently, because "these girls aren't going to be around much longer." That kind of arrogance just pisses me off. Maybe some guys like the whole "let's ditch these bitches and fall in love for real" attitude, but it drives me up a wall. Stop acting like you're the only person on this show - everyone knows it isn't true and it's stupid to pretend otherwise. If you want to date a guy without him dating other women, you probably shouldn't go on a reality show based around that entire scenario, hmm?
Tierra's not sure that Sean and her are on the same page. She talks about how she thinks Sean has been distant all day, to which Sean initially says "no I wasn't," but then thinks "maybe she's right, I WAS DISTANT!" What just happened? She just basically talked him into saying that the other girls were affecting his relationship with her. He's so into this girl, he's willing to go along with her warped version of reality just to keep her from getting grumpy with him? Amazingly, he can't figure out that by agreeing with her, he's reaffirming her whacked out belief that the girls are the problem here. Sean, incredibly, admits that he's sure she's not nice to the other women, but he doesn't care because she's nice to him and "really at the end of this she won't be around the girls anyways." DUDE. What the hell is he going to do when his sister, or his friends, or his parents say "she's kinda shady man." Is he going to be like "you know what, she probably is a bitch to you guys, but it's ok because she's really nice to me?" Who wants to be with someone who treats other people like crap? How could anyone be ok with that? I hate you Sean, you're not sincere at all. You're a horny idiot who likes curvy girls that tell you how awesome you are. That in itself doesn't make you a bad person, because I like it when people tell me how awesome I am - but pretending that you're a humble guy that's in this for love and only love does make you bad person. I hope you end up with Tierra and you get cheated on two months after the show ends and end up on Bachelor Pad shacking up with Emily Maynard because neither of you can keep a significant other. There, I said it.
Time for the group date! Apparently we've reached the obligatory "I need to sneak into the women's room before dawn to wake up the tired girls" date. The girls bitch and moan about how ugly they are without makeup, but I would've loved it if one of them had said "man Selma would've HATED this date." Time to watch the sun rise! They talk about how awesome it is to be the first people in America to see the sun come up. Sean then says something about how "they had the unique experience of watching the sun rise," which happens like every day and I see it on my way to work about half the year, but whatever buddy. They're also going to get the unique experience of watching the sun set over the ocean. Ok, so watching it rise and set over the ocean in the same day is kind of unique, I'll give him that. The date is basically driving the entire island. They stop at a few places, and Des gets some quality time at the jungle tree house, much to the chagrin of Catherine and Lesley, who make no attempt whatsoever to disrupt their mojo. Why, I'm not sure. They both clearly recognize what is going on, and yet they both sit there and do nothing. Catherine claims she wants the rose "real bad" but her actions say otherwise. Des says she deserves the rose, and based on what ABC showed, I'd have to agree. Her and Lesley are at the top of my "big board" right now. If I were ranking them, I think it'd be Lesley, Des, Catherine, Lindsey, AshLee and Tierra, in that order. Lindsey (who Sean is "crazy" about, of course) makes crazy eyes at Sean their entire one on one time, but Sean doesn't seem to notice...he's totally into her.
Catherine goes with the AshLee method of spending one on one time to open up about some stuff. Turns out her dad was abused and didn't handle it well and when she was 14 her dad tried to commit suicide in front of her. Yikes. Who knew seeing someone getting crushed by a tree wouldn't be the most memorable moment of her childhood? It's a little more relevant because hometown dates are coming up and this is something that could come up. Sean, in true narcissistic fashion, says that she probably felt nervous to tell him because she knows how important his relationship with his dad is and she thought he'd like her less because she isn't close to her dad. I'm blown away at what a douche bag thing that was to say. Catherine wasn't nervous because you love your dad Sean. It's just something that's not comfortable to talk about with anyone. Ugh.
Tierra meanwhile has had enough of the other girls. She's ready to explode. Sweet Jesus. She's crazy. Speaking of crazy, Ol' Crazy Eyes Lindsey gets the rose. I'm not sure how that happened. He's shown a propensity to give the rose to the girl who is the most emotional on dates, and Catherine won that one hands down. He also appeared to have the most fun with Des. Mystifying, this Sean guy.
Sean needs to just get away and talk with Lesley. "These dates get so big and glamorous and that sometimes get in the way" he says. Why he needs this time with Lesley and not with any of the other girls is beyond me. He then says "my relationship with Lesley isn't where it is with some of the other girls." Ok, that surprises me. Again, it looks like my favorite is going down. The more she talks about how much she loves Sean and how she's going to love his family and all that, the more I think she's going home. Sean asks if there's anything else he needs to know, and Lesley tells us "I need to let him know I love him." She then gets to the moment when she should tell him she loves him and instead suggests they pick fruit. Oooof. Sean is not feeling the love. "There hasn't been much kissing," he moans. Ah there we go. She's not physical enough for him. Sorry, don't think the Sean show will be heading to Arkansas Lesley.
Sean's brooding on a dock. He needs some advice - so he brings in his sister! Yes, nothing like getting advice from someone who doesn't know any of the girls. His sister's advice is awesome - it's basically "you're going to drop two of these girls, and they'll get over it." His sister wants him to pick someone who clearly loves him which apparently means she's leaning towards the two crazies Tierra and AshLee. Speaking of those two, they're having a heart to heart.
AshLee is pissed that Tierra thinks she's sabotaging her relationship with Sean. AshLee is calmly trying to explain that it's rude to not respond to someone who says good morning. Tierra says that this is because "I'm not into all that high school crap." Who knew that saying good morning was childish? Yikes. Sean's sister says "just don't end up with the girl everyone hates. Death blow for Tierra? If it's not, this episode will end their relationship. Tierra's still claiming sabotage. She's talking about how guys love her and she can't control her eyebrows because she hasn't had botox. What the heck is going on here? She then claims that she has a sparkle and her parents told her not to have the girls "steal her sparkle." In the name of all that is holy please let Tierra survive this episode. I NEED to see the parents that told their daughter not to let her sparkle get stolen. This explains so much about Tierra. Does she still live at home? If not, I'll bet she's got an apartment down the street.
As much as ABC tries to make it seem like this battle took place JUST before Sean shows up to bring Tierra to meet his sister, there's no way. I think Lesley changed her outfit. Tierra's crying her ass off and moaning about their date is weighing heavy on her heart and AshLee sabotaged their time together. Tierra's really got Sean wrapped around her finger. Sean says he needs a second, and I think he's going to get AshLee or the other girls version of the events. Nope, he's going outside to pace the driveway. Great move Sean. Way to nip this drama in the bud you moron.
Apparently his driveway stroll worked, because now he knows what he needs to do. He tells Tierra he wants her to meet his sister, and she bursts into tears. Why? I'm not sure. But Sean tells her he's CRAZY about her. That's the third girl tonight he's been crazy about. He then decides enough is enough and sends her packing. I feel so cheated right now. We were put through all this crazy, and we don't get to see the sparkle parents? Boo ABC! You just stole my sparkle, you assholes. Sean walks her out and Tierra looks pissed. Sean apologizes and says "I think the world of you." Tierra, quite astutely says "obviously not enough." Sean has no response. Tierra blames the girls first, then realizes that Sean's the one that doesn't want her there and reassures herself that she'll come out of this with her sparkle intact. Sean makes his way back to his sister and tries to play it off like he came to this realization that Tierra was crazy all on his own, but it very clearly was his sister's presence that expedited this move. I'm immediately concerned for whatever girl Sean ends up with, since it looks like Sean's sister has enormous pull in his relationships.
The girls are all speculating what's happened in the past few hours. AshLee is all of a sudden concerned that Tierra has the capability of sabotaging her relationship. Ironic, isn't it? Sean shows up sans Tierra and explains that he's not looking for someone who is a source of drama. AshLee feels like she's being talked to directly. Lesley concurs. AshLee is really starting to freak out a little bit because she's given "every ounce" of herself to Sean. To the roses!
Chris Harrison is here to tell everyone "I know you're all happy Tierra left, but remember one of you is following her out the door!" AshLee is really close to losing it right now. If she's the one that leaves, it could get real ugly up in this piece. My guess is that last rose comes down to AshLee and Lesley. Des is safe. Catherine is safe. So yep, I'm right. Chris comes back in to make sure that both girls have a little more time to get emotional...and then Sean sends Lesley packing. After all that talk about drama, I don't blame Lesley for being confused. She had like the least drama of anyone the entire season, and she gets the boot? Poor girl. AshLee, in the meantime, thinks that the rose means she can trust Sean and calls him her "husband." Catherine, who is safe, has lost it. She's crying her eyes out. For whatever reason, she thought Lesley was going to win this competition, and now is shattered. I'm confused - did she want to finish this thing in second place? Did she want to be sent home? I'm flummoxed.
Tune in next week when Desiree's brother calls Sean a horny pervert and calls him out for a fight! I guess that'll make up for not meeting the source of Tierra's sparkle. Why can't there be two episodes this week?
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