Bachelor - The most Controversial Finale (until next season that is)

Welcome back to March Sadness! 

A little bittersweet that this season is coming to an end.  I really could watch Courtney annoy women every week...it's fantastic.  On the other hand, maybe next season we could get a bachelor that is actually interesting and not a complete horndog....someone like....oh I don't know.......this guy!

Ben goes through the pros and cons of each women.  We learn (again) that Courtney is mean to other women, but hey, she's petting that cat and it looks not pissed!  She's not all bad, right?

Ben, still struggling with his decision, looks for guidance from a mountain.  That's right, the Matterhorn gives him hope.  Raise your hand if you knew that was a real mountain and not just a ride at Disneyland.  I think if you said "Matterhorn, real mountain or made up carnival mountain" I'd have had to think long and hard.  I definitely couldn't have pulled Switzerland as the mountain's location.  The Bachelor - it may be trashy, but hey, it'll teach you geography.  What wisdom he hoped to pull from the mountain is anyone's guess, but no need to really dwell on it, because his mom and sister are here!  Ben gets teary-eyed at the reunion with his family, who he claims he hasn't seen in a "long time."  He's been away for two months or so, it's not like he went to Afghanistan for a two year tour.  I can't get too down on him for this, given that I cried at The Lorax last night.  He says that his family's arrival couldn't have come at a more perfect time, which implies that they had their choice of when to come.  Ben's sister asks the obviously planted question "was one of the girls more dramatic, or maybe didn't get along with the other ones?"  Subtle, ABC.  Ben seems chapped that his sister is raising a red flag about Courtney before she even meets her.  To be fair to Courtney, all Sister Flajnik knows about her is that she's a model and she doesn't get along with other girls - which is probably the general description of every model ever.  Models are like college baseball players - the only people that like them are other models or people who want to sleep with them.  Also, Ben says that his sister "generally doesn't approve of the girls he dates."  This doesn't surprise me in the least, given that he's about to go 0-2 on proposing.....ZING!

Lindzi shows up for Meet the Family day bearing gifts.  Always a risky proposition, you bring the wrong gift and you're already behind the 8-ball.  Almost better off not bringing a gift.  Ben rehashes the horse story, and every one acts like it's the first time they've heard it.  I like that Lindzi says "oh yeah!  That was so cool!"  Ben's mom and sister seem nonplussed.  The conversation isn't going well and Ben awkwardly says "umm, you guys wanna get lunch or something?"  It sounds like something a frat guy would say to a bunch of incoming freshmen during Greek Rush Week.

Ben's mom is about the most unemotional person I've ever seen.  Lindzi is saying all these nice things about Ben, but Ben's mom just purses her lips and nods politely.  Lindzi seems to think that Mama is "easy to talk to."  I'm wondering if she means that in the sense that a wall is easy to talk to because it doesn't interrupt and never provides negative feedback.

Ben's sister and Lindzi discuss the relationship over comically large glasses of wine and nervous pulls on the hair.  Ben's sister seems less interested in Lindzi and more interested in what she thinks of Courtney.  Lindzi does an excellent job of diplomatically saying "she just approached it differently than I did" before she senses that Julia is predetermined to hate Courtney and the follows up with some harsher words about "she handled the whole situation poorly."  I love that Ben's sister is more worried about Courtney connecting with the girls Ben didn't pick than she is about how she connects with Ben himself.  Priorities people!

Everyone seems to think everyone else is "fantastic" after Lindzi leaves.  I don't know about anyone else, but basically all I got out of that was that nobody had any glaring flaws.  Apparently being completely uninteresting without saying or doing anything shockingly awful passes for "fantastic" these days.  Sheesh.  I did get a kick out of Ben's sister saying "Lindzi seems ready to give herself over to Ben."  I guess this fits in with Lindzi's 18th century upbringing, so she probably wouldn't take offense to that.  I have a feeling that most women these days would have issues with statements talking about "submitting" or "surrendering" to a spouse. 

Courtney has absolutely no chance with the Flajniks.  Julia wrinkles her nose up as she scornfully says "she's a model?"  and then monologues on the horror of having a model for a sister in law.  I get the sense that Julia doesn't want someone pushing her to the background in family portraits.  Courtney shows up, and I swear this is not the same person who started this season.  She's so nice and sweet...it's almost like she finally broke out of the dungeon her evil twin sister was keeping her in and reclaimed her life. 

Of course, the women Flajnik start right in on the model thing.  Not anything about the relationship, just right into "so you're a model....what's that like?  Do women always say mean things to you?"  Yikes.  No wonder Courtney is defensive about stuff.  She does outright lie about trying to get to know the other girls, but I guess in her defense, ABC could have edited out any footage of her trying to bond with the girls.  Julia keeps pounding on the "I've heard stuff about you not getting along with other girls, and we want to make sure that this is the real you" and all sorts of stuff that you normally wouldn't say a person unless someone told you to ask or gave you some insider information. 

Courtney's talk with Ben's mom is cracking me up.  It's all "Ben is wonderful, he's too good  to be true, how can one man be so perfect?"  As a parent, I don't want to hear about how special you think my kid is.  I already know that stuff.  I want to know WHY.  Why is he so wonderful?  What did he do to make you feel this way?  Why do you think that you are ready to marry my son?  Note to anyone reading this in 2030 that wants to date my children - you gotta show me something beyond surface compliments. 

Ben goes in for the debrief with his sister, and she says her first impression of Courtney is "shock." Very sneaky, ABC!  You had everyone thinking that Julia is about to go off on Ben's lack of judgement, but instead she's shocked that Courtney is so wonderful!  And all of America is now shocked too!  Women across the country just threw their Bon Bon's and popcorn at the TV screen and said "she fooled them too!"  So Ben's family has given their stamp of approval to both women.  No help for Ben there.  Looks like it's up to him, and if it's up to him, you know he's picking Courtney.  She's been his favorite since back in Sonoma when they took Scotch for a walk through the woods. 

I like that Julia tells Ben that she told Lindzi "she's still got some work to do," implying that Ben still hasn't made a decision of who to propose to.  That's the biggest downfall of this show...trying to keep up the illusion that it really is a coin flip as to who the Bachelor is going to propose to.  It's just absurd.  The family endorses both girls, but gives the nod to Courtney.  Now Ben will go on a date with a girl that is hoping for a ring, but he knows full well he's dumping.  Let's see how good of an actor he is.

Lindzi awaits her date with Ben on the steps of the hotel.  Ben shows up and Lindzi gives him the most awkward jump-hug ever.  She doesn't so much wrap her legs around him as dig her spurs into his legs.  It was less a loving embrace and more a koala baby holding on to its mother as she climbs a tree.  Not a sexy hug.  Remember what I said about Ben "acting" like he loved her?  I'm not feeling it.  Time for a gondola ride up the Matterhorn!  Uh oh.....the gondola stopped!  What a coincidence?  What better time to bare your soul than all alone on a ski-lift in the Alps?  Well, they're not really alone - there's at least two camera people in the gondola with them.  Awkward. 

Ben says he can see a future between the two of them.  Lindzi takes this as a good sign.  News flash, Lindzi - I've seen a future for myself with Jennifer Love Hewitt.  It usually starts with me stumbling across her broken down limo in an area with no cell service and ends with me getting her to her movie set just in the nick of time and playing it cool and not acknowledging that she's a celebrity, which she finds charmingly refreshing.  I then casually reference that she was my second favorite female character in Can't Hardly Wait behind Melissa Joan Hart's unnamed "Yearbook Girl," for which she admires my honesty and agrees that MJH was fantastic in that movie.  Things sort of go from there.  Obviously, this will never happen, nor deep down do I actually want this to happen as it would somehow involved me becoming separated from the family I currently have and love dearly, but still that doesn't stop me from picturing what it would be like to be in a relationship with Ms. Love Hewitt.  C'mon Lindzi, don't be so naive. 

Time for the nightcap!  Lindzi tries her best to convince Ben that she's the one, downplaying the amazing things they've done.  She tries to say that "the quiet times have been the best," and cooing "it'll only get better" doing her best to be sexy.  When I watch these two talk, I don't get the sense that this is a married couple.  Another excruciating moment for Lindzi when she says "I love you" while looking into Ben's eyes and he responds "good!"  Man this show is harsh.  I like that in his confessional, Ben refers to her as "this woman."  Perhaps he's trying to make it easier to dump her by not personalizing it by using her name?  Hmmm.....

Courtney's turn!  Courtney hug for Ben is far less enthusiastic than Lindzi's, but also more natural.  I really don't see any way he proposes to Lindzi.  Ben makes a lame joke about the helicopter coming straight for them must be a rescue chopper or something. Before saying "I lied, it's our helicopter."  You don't say Benjamin?  However, he does say that "his mom is going to freak out!" about his helicopter ride.  As if this ride is any different from the umpteen chopper rides he's taken with umpteen other women.  We get the "OMG WE FLEW OVER THE MATTERHORN" comment to set up the "we're taking our relationship to new heights" comment, and now everything is right in the Bachelor universe again. 

Courtney says she's happy that the "journey" is coming to an end, but that she's also a little sad.  Cue millions of people across the country saying "SEE?  She was only in it for the helicopter rides over the Matterhorn!"  Again, in my role of defender of Courtney, I have to point out that every single one of us would be a little sad that our two and a half month all expenses paid trip around the world was coming to an end.  Ben and Courtney frolic in the snow, almost sledding into a frozen mountain lake, which probably would've killed the mood.  They don't however, and that gives Ben time to remind us that Lindzi is still in the picture.  Good segue into the nightcap.  Might we see some insecurity from Courtney?  Survey says....YEP!

Remember in Brad's season when they tried to make Emily look insecure and bring up all the things that might possibly go wrong if she picked him?  That's kind of what I get is going on here.  She's such a slam dunk winner that ABC needed to manufacture some sort of conflict just to try and throw the viewers off the trail.  You're not fooling me, ABC.  In a completely shocking development, Courtney made Ben a scrapbook!  And wrote him a love letter!  This is like the double play of creepy dating.  Also kind of lame that she had to make a scrapbook and letter to express her emotions, rather than just coming out and saying it.  This is why so many relationships start online these days - because it's so much easier to say things online or in print than it is to verbalize them face to face.  It really doesn't mean as much when you write it.  I'll give her bonus point for reading her own letter to him rather than chickening out and making him read it.  Courtney then starts looking for some reciprocation of feelings from Ben, which he is contractually bound by ABC not to give.  Courtney starts freaking out, worrying that Ben's going to do to her what "Ashley did to him."  Ummmm, unless Courtney is going to be the one proposing, it's not going to be the same.  There's a big difference between saying no to someone's proposal of marriage and just not proposing.  That's my opinion at least.

Ben says Courtney is exciting, adventurous, and has a sense of mystery.  I guess you could call skinny dipping on national television exciting and adventurous.  I'm not buying the sense of mystery though.  What is there about Courtney that we don't really know at this point?  I feel like "mysterious" is a trait that is automatically given to gorgeous dark haired women.  Blondes are never mysterious.   Ben says "Lindzi is beautiful, always smiling, genuine and has "a glow about her.""  And actually, I agree with him.  Point for Lindzi in that Ben isn't manufacturing personality traits about her. 

Let's cue the individual shots of our three intrepid adventurers as they come to the conclusion of their journey of love while looking over the picturesque Swiss countryside.  Cue the ring guy!  Ben quips "good to see you again."  The irony of telling a ring guy that you're happy to see him again after your first proposal was rejected.  I'd love it if Ben said "you know, I really liked that ring I was going to give to Ashley, can we use that one again?"  Maybe we should consult the tape to see if this actually happened.  Ben, apparently in the past 24 hours has gone from "I have two amazing women, and I don't knwo what I'm going to do" to "there's only one woman I'm thinking about, and I'm not looking forward to telling the other girl it's time for her to go."  If we're to believe this storyline, what was it that happened between the end of his date with Courtney and picking out the ring that convinced him? 

It's time for the staged proposal on the side of the Matterhorn!  Who's in the first helicopter?  Wait til after the commercial to find out!!!!  ABC uses this break to pitch yet another Shonda Rhimes drama.  I think I know how this one is going to go - a bunch of co-workers in a high pressure job commit all sorts of unethical acts and sleep together.  Amiright?  I bet I'm right.

Hey, Chris Harrison is here!  Lindzi is first off the chopper.  Ironic that her journey ends on a "chopper," no?  Of course, I guess there's always the chance that he proposes first and then does the dumping second, but then again, these stories usually end on a happy ending.  I suppose this season, America's version of a happy ending would be to see Courtney crumpled on the floor of a helicopter crying her eyes out as she's whisked off to the Zurich airport.  Unfortunately, that's not how this story ends.  Lindzi asks Ben how he's doing, and the first word out of his mouth is "Um."  She's done.  Ben, who's the most awful breaker-upper in history, tells Lindzi that he's in love with her, but he's in love with someone else.  He's just horrible.  I'm not sure what you're supposed to say there, but one thing you should definitely not do is look for comfort from the person you just dumped.  To say "I'm still shaking" while sighing over and over until she hugs you back, is just awful.  Lindzi compounds the problem by telling him that she's sorry that she couldn't give him what he wanted and then saying "hey, if it doesn't work out, call me?"  How do you look yourself in the mirror after telling someone that "it's ok you loved someone else more, I'd still marry you!"  Of course then she says "if he really wants to marry Courtney, I'd be shocked!" once she's back in the rejection chopper.  Why didn't you say that to him then?  Yikes.  Ben says he's confused and unsure of how this is going to end.  Why?  Courtney's made it pretty clear that she's going to accept a proposal hasn't she?  Lets find out.....

Courtney says "I'm a good person, and good things happen to good people."  Keep telling yourself that sweetheart.  Maybe if you say it enough, you'll actually believe it.  Ben starts right in on his long speech about their relationship.  Telling that he's doing all the talking now, whereas poor Lindzi had to do all the talking at their final meeting.  Ben then throws in a "but" that has everyone's heart beating out of their chests.  Ben's just playing with you Courtney!  He loves you, and he's been waiting a "really really long time" to tell her.  So like a few months.  After they paw all over each other like a couple of high schoolers and say "I love you" six times too many, Ben makes sure that absolutely nobody feels too good for these two by throwing in an "oh my dad!" comment one last time.  OOF.

For all the talk about how controversial this finale was, there was absolutely no controversy at all.  That was just awful.  Looks like they didn't even make to the after the final rose however.  Maybe that's the controversy, but given that that's more the rule rather than the exception with this show, even that's not so controversial.  It's pretty depressing that I love this show so much, yet find myself almost wishing it ended three weeks earlier than it did every time.  Let's bring on Emily and watch how ABC turns her daughter into an obstacle rather than a blessing!  I know I'll be there, will you?