Didn't we just do this? I'm really not looking forward to another two hours of Tierra being Tierrable and Tierrorizing the other girls while laughing like a Tierradactyl, but I'm guessing that's what we're going to get. At least she almost dies AGAIN. Or so the teasers make it look. Can we get this started?
Lake Louise! I've actually been there. Pretty cool place. Of course I went there with my family and not two limousines full of pretty girls. Sean gives the girls a pep talk letting them know if they don't get a rose they get on the first plane smokin' back to the States.
AshLee says "honestly, I feel like there IS tension in the house...." pulling into a very early lead for most obvious statement. Catherine gets the first one-on-one, making Daniella's face morph into something borderline terrifying. Best to get out of the house for your date, Catherine. Here - let ABC drop you off in the middle of a snowstorm in cute clothes! Not to fear, Sean hijacked Bigfoot's SUV so they can go play on a glacier. Sean views Catherine as the cure to his "girls be CRAYZAY" blues. They go sledding in the first ever blizzard to feature blue sky (c'mon, how bad could it have possibly been if you're not even wearing eye protection?) and Sean proclaims Catherine to have passed the blizzard test. He says that what he wants from his wife is someone who's not going to complain about bad weather, or something along those lines. I still don't see him picking Catherine, but she does seem to be the most easy-going of the ladies. I also think this bodes well for her post-Bachelor life....which may come by the end of this date if she doesn't "open up" about something tragic in her life. That's usually what people start looking for at this point of the show right? You've gotta have some sort of tragic explanation for why you're still single, or you're not "showing your vulnerable side."
Catherine is maybe not as easy going as I thought....she's "over the moon" and "wants everything." She also says she "wants him to know everything." Is there some sort of scary back story? Maybe we'll find out....but first let's sit in a tiny ice castle.
Back at the house, group date roster is announced, and Daniella's back on it. She lost it last night because she wasn't getting alone time, and Sean rewarded her with a rose. Apparently he feels that'll do for now. Daniella gets the investigative reporter treatment (Tell me how you feel?) from the girls and she tries to play it off like she's cool, but as soon as she's in her confessional she's crying. Because it's perfectly natural to cry over a guy you've never gone on a date with, right?
Cut to the date and Catherine's got her tragic story to tell and it happened when she was 12! Is it molestation? Family member with terminal illness? Nope....girl crushed by tree at summer camp. Tragic? For that girl's family, absolutely. For her? I'd say more traumatic. Sean's heard all he needs to hear though, as he lets her know that she's so special and he's crazy about her as he gives her a rose. This means she's on the exact same level as all the other girls. I feel like Sean is crazy about the special shampoo he uses in the morning too at this point. Catherine is happy she "opened up" to him....but I'm not sure saying "yo I saw someone get crushed by a tree!" is really something that's hard to tell someone. Did she really feel like a weight had been lifted?
Canoe time - and AshLee has to prove her love by running and being the first to hug Sean. Then in an amazing display of hypocrisy, then flips out when Lesley volunteers immediately to share a canoe with Sean. Unbelievable. My wife, who fancies herself a bit of a canoe expert, is incredulous that they'd put Sarah the handi-capable all-star of the group in the back of a canoe to steer. Sarah, to her credit, vows to give 110%. No issues seem to arise from this.
Now it's time for a polar plunge! First we've got to have a talk from an EMT - the water is barely above freezing, you could get hypothermia.....blah blah blah. Why does Sean keep taking this merry band of princesses into situations they're completely horrible for? Oh yeah, so we all keep watching him on his self destructive path to an engagement with Tierra. Let's see some near death experiences!
Selma already has said "I don't need to die for this," but will she jump in anyways? She's adamant she's staying out of this, even going so far to say "I'm from Baghdad, we are a desert people." Although I remember her saying something about hating the heat during her rock climbing expedition. I actually respect Selma for sitting this one out and putting her own desires over Sean's wishes to see some nipples. AshLee on the other hand "hopes Sean understands that he's the first guy that's ever made her want to do something for someone else." Daniella also wants Sean to see how fun and cool and hot she is. If you were on a one on one date, that might happen, but with six other girls......not gonna happen.
And they're in! Woo! It's cold. Lesley says "that was awesome! I bared my soul!" but as she says this, she flashes her bikini. Soul = Boobs. Got it. Puts a new spin on this James Brown song, doesn't it? Meanwhile, Tierra is starting to go downhill. She can't breathe, and now all the girls who have documented hatred for her overreacting to injuries are immediately running to her aide. My belief is that she thinks she's colder than she is and started hyperventilating. It's more psychological than physiological. This is confirmed when she throws a pouty face out and says "I'm missing time with him!!" I think she really started to feel cold, then thought about "what if I'm going into shock?" and boom....she's in shock. Catherine and Des are concerned for the other girls safety - until they come back screaming like they just got off the bus from a Barn Dance.
Also, if I can get a hotel room with a big robe and a giant burger and a licensed medical professional to put my socks on for me, show me what lake to jump in! The girls have now determined that she did it all for the attention, which Sean of course gives her. Tierra tells him "I can't believe I got hurt again! I told them 'after all this guy better marry me!'" Sean nervously says "that could happen," and quickly changes the subject. He decides to leave her home, but that sneaky raccoon has found her way to the trashcan before, hasn't she?
Lesley sums it up by saying "now there's six because Tierra is dying of FROSTBITE." AshLee says "this just guarantees no drama," which is the harbinger of certain doom for this after party. Lesley gushes about how how great the experience was, and earns the first lip lock of the night. Next up is Sarah who shows him old family photos, which are basically "cute little girl with one arm" pictures. She gets a much less passionate kiss than Lesley, but still coos "oh my goodness" as they get up to leave.
Look who's getting ready to crash the party....again! Tierra's on the prowl! "Sean, this better be worth it," she menaces. While all the girls sit around talking shit about her, Tierra slinks into the room. Someone cusses. Sean of course is ecstatic to see her and even offers to carry her! What is wrong with this man? She just walked her ass all the way over to where you are, she doesn't need to be carried to a couch in the next room. Sean asks if she wants a proposal at the end of this, and of course Tierra says "yes, if I fall in love with you." She also thinks she deserves the rose. And maybe she'll get it, but first he needs to make out with Lindsey.
Sean does a great job of making it SEEM like he's going to give the rose to Tierra, but PSYCH! It goes to Lesley. "I got the rose! That was all me!" she gloats. Ugh. Tierra can't believe she almost was visible to Haley Joel Osment for a third time this season and didn't get a rose.
Sean's made a decision to send Sarah home, meaning he's now weeded out nearly every minority on the show. The only ones left are Catherine and Selma, who I suppose qualify as minorities, but just barely. Sean does a decent job of stating his feelings, and I really don't have anything snarky to say about this breakup. Sarah keeps it together until he leaves before the waterworks come. Sarah tells the girls, and then says "this always happens to me, I knew what he was going to say but I wanted to hear his explanation....because it's always the same." I feel pretty bad for her actually, but lets be honest - if you don't love someone who hasn't done anything specifically wrong, what else are you going to say? You're always going to say "you're awesome, I want nothing but the best for you, you'll find your love someday soon....." Did she want him to say "honestly, you kiss like an elderly librarian and the thought of meeting your dad who you've already said has conditioned you to expect a man to be the answer to all your problems freaks the hell out of me?" Sorry Sarah, hope you're smart enough not to go on Bachelor Pad, because I think that would break you.
Christ, I completely forgot Desiree still had a date tonight! My fingers are starting to cramp here, ABC! Daniella is starting to think she really likes Sean because she's so desperate for attention, and now she's wondering what Desiree has that she doesn't. Because she's too self absorbed to realize that the answer is "personality," I hope to God she thinks it's her dark hair and dyes her hair. That would be the best. Make this happen, Daniella!
Des seems shocked that she has to do something pseudo death defying. In case you're wondering the answer to "how high is this cliff?" is 400 feet. No less than four times are we reminded. Des says "if anything goes wrong, you could die!" No fewer than two seconds later, her shoe slips off the rock and.....nothing happens. JESUS THAT WAS CLOSE! What a crock these "extreme" dates are. I think she'd have been in more danger if they'd taken an elevator in the hotel. This doesn't stop her from giving us the "Sean makes this easier" and "repelling is like a relationship" clichés. Ugh. I thought you were better than this Des.
Time to climb some trees! "Let me show you how we climb trees in Texas," Sean brags. Not shockingly, it looks pretty much how I climbed trees in Oregon. Next, Des hops into the tree. "I did this my whole childhood," she boasts. Again, what kid didn't climb trees as a kid? These two bring out the worst in each other, I'm convinced. After climbing up about two branches, they act like they're on top of the world and shout "HELLO CANADA" at the top of their lungs. Better than "I'm the king of the world!" but the passing Elk barely gives them a second look.
Back on the date, they walk through the woods at night, past a raccoon in a tree. I rewound the tape to make sure it wasn't Tierra, but the lack of glitter and a medical bracelet confirm that it is just a regular raccoon. Teepee time! They both say that the tree climbing was their favorite part of the date, confirming that climbing a ten foot tree is more exhilarating than repelling down a 400 foot cliff. Time for Des to open up. Turns out she lived in a tent for a while. Amazingly, she doesn't seem phased by this at all. "we lived in small apartments too," she says. My wife is wondering if she's going to show up as Sean's parents house and say "yo' your house is amazing!" when she sees his niece's playhouse in the backyard. The tent revelation qualifies on the "significant tragic background" scale, and Sean gives her a rose. "I opened up about living in a tent and now I'm falling in love in a teepee." Des coos as we head to commercial. Ugh.
Time for the rose ceremony - or as the women call it "time to talk shit about Tierra!" "let's be honest, you're gonna wife THAT?" Selma, honey, I could say the same thing about the girl who complains about it being too hot on one date and too cold on the other. Wait...now she's going to kiss him? This girl who I was so proud of for sticking to her guns and not jumping in the lake is now going to show him how much she loves him by sacrificing everything we thought she held dear. No morals with this girl. Major points lost.
Lindsay is up next and I think she's pretty drunk again. She's trying to go anti Selma and not kiss him for once. She then reveals she sleeps naked....and caves on the kissing thing after 45 seconds. What the hell just happened? Sean loved it though. "I feel like I could tell Lindsay anything" he says. I agree. She won't remember it in the morning.
AshLee is up next, and she has some hyper emotional and way-too-deep reason that she wants Sean to blindfold her. It has something to do with being put up for adoption and giving control of her life over to Sean. Sean of course makes out with her. He could've led her around the room, sticking with her over the top metaphor and proving that even when she can't see the right way to go, he will always be there to help show her the way, but instead he jams his tongue in her mouth. Can't get enough, can you buddy? I'm not an AshLee fan.
Mercifully, we've come to the rose ceremony time. Apparently TWO more girls are leaving tonight? He already 86'd Captain Hook, and now who? My money's on Selma and Daniella. Sean's gone from 'my wife is here' to 'nope she's not' to 'well....maybe.' Let's find who definitely won't be already. Lindsay gets the first rose, AshLee gets the second, and.......(move out of the way already Chris Harrison!)....Tierra! YES!!!!! So glad that Selma shamed her family and compromised her heritage for an extra 26 minutes with Sean. Serves her right in my opinion.....although Sean probably had more beef with her unwillingness to jump into icy cold water.
Daniella...well her exit goes about how you'd expect. "I just want to find love so badly..." blah, blah blah. Sean tells the remaining six "it was hard to say goodbye to both of those ladies," as if they don't even merit their names being said again on national television. He then tells them to pack their bikinis because they're going to St. Croix! Well if you made them pack the swimsuits to Canada in the winter, I'm pretty sure they're bringing them to the equator. I'm starting to get the opinion that we could've settled this in 6 hours instead of six weeks if they'd all just worn bikinis and made out with him in succession. I'm fairly sure that's what he's basing this "competition" on at this point.
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