Bachelor 2019, Week 4: Fueling the Hot Mess Express

I'd like to think that that The Bachelor doesn't play favorites or intentionally try to ensure someone's total destruction, but damned if ABC isn't trying with Hannah B. Last week she clearly dominated the pirate competition only to see Caelynn advance to the final round. This week, we start off with Chris Harrison calling Hannah "Caelynn." Damn...that's cold, Chris. After watching it a few times, I'm fairly certain he did this on purpose. Chris doesn't make mistakes - he makes TV magic. Usually he just drops vague "you really need to impress Colton this week" pep talks to try and unnerve the entire gaggle of ladies, but directly tweaking one of them is next level.

No time to dwell on it though, you ladies have one hour to pack for a location that The Bachelor has never been to before. The girls act all excited, but c'mon....if the show hasn't been there in 37 seasons of filming The Bachelor/ette, it can't be THAT cool. I mean - they've been to some pretty dumpy places (remember Ft. Lauderdale during Arie's season??) that they apparently thought were better locations than wherever they're going.

It's Singapore. The girls begin to freak out and hug like Trump just got impeached. I mean, this is some pretty serious jubilation here for a place I'm guessing maybe one or two of the ladies could locate on a map. I mean, what do you know about Singapore? I don't think I could tell you one concrete fact about Singapore other than it's in Asia. Honest to God, I don't know if it's a city or a country. Turns out it's both (wikipedia describes it as a "city-state.") I mean, I guess that's somewhat cool to travel to a place you know next to nothing about and would probably never visit otherwise. I know I had zero intentions of ever setting foot in Wisconsin until I started dating a girl from America's Dairyland, but damn if it isn't a super cool place with some great people and a diet consisting of all of my favorite foods.

You know who else knows nothing about Singapore? Colton. He introduces us to the city by saying "Singapore is amazing....it's got the lights, the buildings....it's definitely a really cool place!"

Lights and buildings. No other place in the world has those things Colton. This is how I describe Albany actually. "I dunno, it's got some lights and buildings and stuff. It's a city."

What's Singapore got?

Tayshia gets the one-on-one, and it's so mundane. They walk along the beach and Tayshia asks if they can "touch the water." I think this means walking in the surf, but nope....she literally means touch the water with your fingers. I don't know why walking on the beach with shoes on makes me so angry, but it does. All I could do was focus on their matching white sneakers. They won't stay white in the sand, guys...especially if you touch the water. Sure enough, when they touch the water, a wave gets their feet wet and they jump back like this three inch wave was some sort of freak sneaker wave. Sigh.

They stumble upon a bungee jump tower, and Colton is amped to try it because he was never able to do anything dangerous because of his "professional career." Just our weekly reminder that he played football, you guys. He was on the practice squad of four teams (the Chargers twice) over two seasons. This guy gave up bungee jumping and sex for football and got about as close as you can get without ever playing in an actual NFL game. I mean....that's gotta be hard. I remember a guy in high school striking out after fouling off about 10 pitches and coming back to the dugout and absolutely losing his shit. What always stood out to me was him yelling "all that work for NOTHING!" I imagine Colton did something like this times 100 when he realized playing in the NFL wasn't going to happen for him, and he did it every day for the better part of a year.

The bungee jump is pretty boring as far as bungee jumps go, with the only real drama being Tayshia jumping feet first off the tower, which led to the rope snapping her whole body downward like the end of a violent whip. I saw her life flash before my eyes. I was convinced that rope was gonna wrap around her neck or she was gonna get whiplash or something tragic. It was terrifying. She was fine though.

At dinner, she drops her tragic backstory. She was married, and it didn't work out. She does say "being a Christian woman you think you're only going to get married once," as if Jewish women or any other type of person is like "I'm definitely planning on doing this a couple times." Hilariously, she ends this conversation by saying "when I do get married again, I'm going to make sure it's amazing." Those Christian women...they only get married once, unless it's twice. But definitely only twice.

The Group Date is somehow less interesting than the one on one, despite there being thirteen girls on the date. Hannah B. is in her head because Caelynn got the one on one. Of course she did....The Bachelor is making sure to get Hannah as bent out of shape as possible. Demi makes Colton piggy back her around the city like a human rickshaw. They sample some of the local culture on the date...letting leeches grab onto them. They sample some street food.They find a fortune teller or something that tells Colton that him and Cassie were siblings in a past life. Line of the night goes to Colton for saying "oh, that's not what you wanna hear!"

Things get super weird at the evening portion of the date as Courtney whines that Colton hasn't paid any attention to her all night. Demi tells him that she needs to just go find him and talk to him. Seems like good, friendly advice. Courtney of course does the opposite, saying that she's gonna be patient. Demi, frustrated by Courtney's inaction, decides to go talk to Colton herself. NOW Courtney decides it's time to talk to him. Of course Colton has somehow vanished from the premises, so Courtney finds only Demi, and gives her a piece of her mind. She tells Demi she's immature, rude, trying to "play God" and saying "sometimes you don't think." Courtney's condescension is so thick you could use it as a blanket. Demi is understandably pissed. Demi gets the last laugh as Colton gives her the rose for the night.

Caelynn's date is basically the "Pretty Woman" date, where Colton uses ABC's money to buy her a bajillion clothes and shoes. I'd make jokes about her, but she just told an absolutely horrific story about being date raped. That was tough. We are in this weird space in this country where I feel like anything I say (even something supportive of her bravery and strength) about this will be seen as insensitive or offensive by someone, so we'll just move on.

Demi decides to go to Colton and make her beef with Courtney public after Courtney throws some very overt shade at her. Hannah and Caelynn bury the hatchet (for now) and Colton does what he does best.....tell Courtney exactly what Demi said about her. This leads to another fight that Demi completely dominates....she's now crushed Tracy and Courtney in back to back weeks. Ultimately, Courtney finds out that Colton not seeking her out on the group date really did mean something, as she's sent packing along with Tracy.  Demi is pitching a perfect game right now. Of course, Demi being Demi, she can't just let it go....saying "Ding Dong, the bitch is dead" and acting like Courtney would still be her if she'd just taken her advice as if Colton's decision wasn't already made by him not seeking her out on the date. Demi's ego will 100% be her downfall at some point here in the next few weeks. She could just continue to play the super seductive crazy lady and probably confuse Colton into proposing to her, but something tells me she'll mess it up.

Tune in next week when Elyse walks six miles for an unknown reason and Colton angry walks down the beach! So much walking!

Bachelor 2019, Week 3 - Toddlers in Tiaras

We start with Sydney recapping all the drama that went down (her and Onyeka, Hannah B and Caelynn, and of course Tracy and Demi. She then says (with a straight face) "I hope the drama is over with."

IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS!

This is a good time to remind everyone involved with this franchise that when you make a statement, ABC will do everything in its power to make sure that the exact opposite happens.

If you hope that the drama is over, the drama is just getting started.
If you hope Caelynn isn't on the same group date as you, she is (sorry Hannah B.)
If you want him to send a girl home, she will get the last rose.
If you hope the date doesn't involve snakes, there will be some monkey fighting snakes on your Monday to Friday plane.

It's science.

The group date involves going to a pirate themed place where Colton is telling some unconvincing pirates "hey you knuckleheads, knock that off!" He's the worst pirate ever. Actually I take that back. Hannah B. with the sparkly eye patch that is not even covering her eye is the worst pirate ever. The girls get to hit each other with pugil sticks in the lamest episode of pirate themed American Gladiators ever. They batter each other, and we get multiple shots of Hannah B. blasting people, but the unconvincing pirates select Caelynn and Tracy as the finalists for the group date. I don't understand why they do these competitions if there's no real reward for winning them, or even participating. Caelynn essentially forfeited to avoid getting run over by the hot mess express and moves on to the finals anyways?

In the end, Tracy essentially waves the white flag and just lets Caelynn win the date. Based on what I've seen so far, Caelynn's gonna be around for a while.

Demi, in a strange moment of clarity, says that, based on the roses Colton has given out, it's clear he doesn't have a type but anyone who assumes he has a type is being a fool. This is like when the Scarecrow gets a piece of paper that the Wizard claims is a diploma and all of a sudden he knows the Pythagorean Theorem.

Tracy, of course, can't stand for Demi to say anything, so she disagrees without having anything to disagree with. She goes off on some tangent about how she had a type, but then she got older and realized she needed to branch out. I'm not sure what that had to do with Demi saying Colton doesn't have a type based on the roses he's given out, but OK. This leads Demi to make a bunch of age related insults before finishing with "I feel sorry for you." Demi is dominating this beef. Tracy needs to just accept the loss and move on.

Meanwhile, Hannah B. decides that she has to tell Colton just how awful Caelynn really is. Colton seems genuinely concerned and asks her "like what was she like? What did she do?" Hannah B. goes full Hot Mess Express again and just says "It was a high stress situation and it was awful." As most high stress situations are, Hannah. Colton then says "Was she mean? Was she manipulative? Was she fake?" and Hannah B. loses her ability to speak and just stares at him.

You were saying???

 It's never a good sign when someone asks for details and you can't give them a single stinking one. She also claims that him keeping Caelynn around "be-fumbles" her. Fantastic misuse of words, Hannah. Nonetheless, Colton decides to scold her for her vague warnings in the most brutal way possible: He gives Caelynn the group date rose. He whispers the entire time he gives her the rose for unknown reasons.

My girl Elyse gets the one-on-one! This is exciting! She's the Jackie Robinson of the Bachelor Universe, shattering all artificial ceilings for redheads. The date involves taking a helicopter (no snakes) to an amusement park and spending the day riding rides with some sick children. During this date, we discover that Colton and Elyse are both big into children's charities, and we get to hear Elyse's tragic backstory. This is a legit sad story, I can't even hate on it. Her sister was diagnosed with cancer while she was pregnant, and was unable to get chemo or start treatment until she delivered her baby.....and then subsequently died sometime after childbirth. They started a charity in her sister's honor. Super sweet story, but of course Colton is like "I knew it! I knew you had this natural maternal instinct with these kids!" Like he's proud of the fact he noticed that she was good with children, and he's so pleased that there's a reason she's so good with kids, although I don't know that having a sister die of cancer constitutes "natural ability." But really, the best part of the date was Colton explaining the origin of his charitable foundation by saying "my little cousin was born with cystic fibrosis while I was playing - you know - football." We didn't forget buddy. You were a football player. There was also a private concert with someone named Tenille Arts. Tenille Arts sounds more like a place where you paint pottery than a musician.

The next group date involves Terry Crews and his wife Rebecca. I knew nothing about Rebecca Crews, so I looked up to see if she was somewhat famous. Turns out they were just college sweethearts that got married, but the janky website I ended up on to tell me about who she was (bijog.com) told me that "once, Terry and Rebecca had to endure a three month period without sex and this strengthened their relationship." Fascinating.

The date involves feats of strength. I can't be the only person who was a little shocked that DJ Agro is a black belt that sort of kicked the shit out of the heavy bag. That was the most impressive thing I saw on this date.

The worst thing was dragging Fred Willard out again. At this point it seems like elder abuse. Fred Willard just basically sits there while Chris Harrison talks, and every once in a while Fred does that thing really old people do where they make a generic statement so that they don't have to embarrass themselves by admitting they have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. I'm wondering who got paid to put Mr. Willard on TV, because I'll bet it wasn't Fred. That was just sad. So was the competition. Onyeka won, but that doesn't result in any extra time with Colton. What is the point of these competitions again?

At the date afterparty, there's lots of talk about strong, confident, empowered women pulling limos and lifiting "heavy hearts" to try to get a little bit of extra time or attention from a man. Of course Tayshia is talking about how much fun the date was despite us not even seeing her really. Colton compliments her for "working her butt off" and "encouraging everyone." This gets her a kiss.

Caitlin gets her one on one time, but unfortunately for her she has no tragic backstory. She says "she's looking for a guy who wants to go out with her friends have a silly, ridiculous evening, and she's happy to open up to him about that." I'd love to hear her expand on  what a silly, ridiculous evening with her friends is like. "I can't open up to you about anything because honestly, my life has been really good." We should all be so lucky, Caitlin.

Colton, unfortunately, needs a girl with a tragic backstory that is desperate for love, because they play better on TV. Caitlin becomes the sacrificial lamb on the group date to ratchet up the crazy from the other girls. THINGS JUST GOT REAL, LADIES.

Props to Caitlin for telling Colton "I'm not sure I want to hold your hand right now." She had no problem opening up about that. She then opens up about how the other women are shady bitches that Colton is going to regret keeping around. Too bad she needed to be dismissed to start having a personality. Angry Caitlin is kinda fun.

Not nearly as fun is Angry Hannah B. She's telling Never Been Kissed Heather that there's a beautiful monster inside her with a full tank of rage that is about to come out. WHAT? This girl has gone completely silent and blank at every confrontation, and now she's growling at the thought of Caelynn talking crap about her?

Caelynn then does exactly that, telling Colton that Hannah is manipulative and shady and deceitful. Caelynn then very smoothly mentions that she is a happy person who surrounds herself with happy people, but when a "toxic" person comes into her life she starts to pull back - a clear warning to Colton that she's going to be a bitch if he doesn't cut Hannah. Smooth.

Hannah then gets scolded by Colton who says tells Hannah that he's worried about her being toxic and deceitful. Amazing. Hannah goes on to clap back, saying "nuh uh, I'm not deceitful, she's the deceitful one!" Colton clearly is annoyed by the situation, and goes full pout pout fish and goes to chat with a couple of production assistants, before finally Chris Harrison comes in and goes "what's up buddy?" In a clear play to get Colton back in the game. He gets so moody as soon as things get just a little hard, I have a difficult time believing he's going to last more than a few months with whomever he proposes to at the end.

Rose ceremony mercifully ends the beauty queen hissy fit. Unfortunately, it doesn't end it permanently as he keeps both of them. Gone are DJ Agro, Bri the fake Aussie, and my girl Nina, who never even got a damn chance. At least Elyse is looking strong.

Bachelor 2019 Week 2: Comedy Central

New feature! Colton taking video blogs. It's heavily edited, probably because he had a hard time stringing two sentences together. I don't know if I'm a fan of this. I think this is a younger generation thing....taking videos of yourself or live streaming your random thoughts. I tried to use Periscope for a while, but discovered it was all people really proud of the fact they smoked weed, or sort of attractive people who were socially awkward clearly enjoying attention from really pervy dudes. It creeped me out. So yeah, I don't recommend live streaming your life.

Group date right off the bat! We're at a theater, and it's Megan Mullaly and Nick Offerman! This is the best celebrity cameo this show has ever had. Of course, none of the girls really reacted to seeing them, which pisses me off to no end. We'll go nuts about some vaguely famous singer, but two of the funniest people in America garner almost no reaction. This might be a sign I'm old.

Mine too Nick, and I'm not even getting paid to be here.

They tell sexually suggestive stories about "their first time" and.....this is really what the whole season is going to be like, isn't it? Just virginity joke after virginity joke after virginity joke. At some point the girls have to dress up like Madonna, right? Like that's obvious, right?

The girls now get the chance to tell their first times. But first, Colton tells everyone how he told people the first time he told people he was a virgin. 

Elyse the redhead goes ahead and tells everyone she's dating a younger man for the first time. She does a good job, seems comfortable behind the microphone. Demi of course says "she's so brave for admitting she's older. There's really no advantage to being older." She just made an enemy of a majority of the viewers I think. One day father time will come for her too.

The Cuban girl says she's never dated a white guy, Hannah G. tells a story about how she never got attention from boys until Colton gave her a rose, which I highly doubt. Onyeka tells her "drowning in bitches" story. Catherine says "she's a good swimmer" throws the mic and ruins everyone's eardrums. I can't even handle how a majority of these girls "first" stories occurred in the past week. As if you needed another example of just how young and not ready for the world these girls were. Demi then says something about how she just goes for it and walks into the crowd to make out with Colton and says "and that's the story of how I got the first group date rose!" Bold play, not sure Colton's the guy to play the aggressive go-getter with. We'll see. Maybe he needs someone to just tell him where to be and what to do.

Date card time, and the first one-on-one goes to Hot Mess Express Hannah B.! She says it's her "Golden Birthday" which I just learned means that her age matches the date of the month she was born. I didn't realize this was a thing, or why on earth it would be significant. Like everyone has a golden birthday before they're 32. A significant portion of the population has a golden birthday that occurs before they can talk. Do people celebrate golden birthdays harder than other birthdays? Or is this something that is only significant to females between the ages of 15 and 23? 

Demi touches the group date rose, and everyone is offended. I didn't know that this was completely taboo in Bachelor-land, but Tracy is REALLY bent out of shape. 100 years from now, when people are studying this era of human civilization that they will refer to as "The Offended Era," touching a rose on a group date before it is offered to you will be one of the primary examples of how hypersensitive people were in 2019.

Elyse has some great one on one time with Colton, and contrary to Demi's opinion, I think her age might be of some benefit here. She doesn't have time for all the games and the drama. If she's genuinely interested in Colton, she'll be patient with him while he figures out how to use his penis. These other girls will get bored real quick with their Snapchat and WhatsApp and whatever apps they're using these days. I'm guessing patience is key when dating a super insecure virgin, and the older you are, the better you are at patience. Also, someone might need to fact check this, but is Elyse the first redhead to survive the first night? Is she the first to get a kiss? I don't remember redheads faring too well on this show...in fact, they might have less representation on the show than any other minority. 

Cuban girl tells Colton about her autistic brother, but to no avail. The rose goes to Elyse, the thirty-something redhead. She's like a unicorn in The Bachelor universe. Oldest contestant. Redhead. Group date rose. This is the most shocking thing to ever happen on this show.

Hot Mess Express gets her one-on-one. They take off in an vintage SUV for Vasquez Rocks. Never heard of Vasquez Rocks. They get to ride horsThis es. We cut back to Ms. North Carolina who is convinced that Hot Mess Express is going to come unhinged the second she feels someone gets more attention than her. Hannah seems to back this up by telling the camera that she's very self conscious and spirals when she starts doubting herself. Here we go! 

Colton proposes a toast. Hannah has never given a toast in her life. She's too nervous to form a sentence about what she's hoping for the future. This doesn't bode well at all. Colton asks if she wants to get in the hot tub, and she says yes.......and then sits there. So weird. I'm wondering if she's a little drunk and that's affecting her behavior, because this is just weird. It's like she can't focus on anything. Colton, in true Colton fashion, thinks this means he has poor judgement and that this doesn't bode well for his opinions of any of the women. Then again, he tossed a few girls on the first night that I definitely would've kept - so maybe this is all his fault. 

This date seems like it's drowning (not in bitches, but in awkwardness), so I did some research on the difference between Miss USA and Miss America pageants. I'd forgotten about the Trump connection to Miss USA. I can't really tell if one is more prestigious than the other, but since Miss America started first, I'll assume that's the more important one. Hannah then ask Colton why he's a virgin, and he says he was "so focused on being a D-1 athlete" that he didn't allow for any distractions.

Again, this flies in the face of literally everything I learned about athletes while attending a D-1 school. Sex wasn't a distraction for them, it was a necessity....to the point that it would be reasonably easy to assume that the more sex you had, the better you would be as an athlete. Colton could probably be playing for the Patriots next weekend if he'd just banged a few pageant queens five years back. 

And now we get to Colton saying that saving yourself until marriage was "engraved on him" early on. WORST. TATTOO. EVER. I suppose you could say "engraved," but "ingrained" seems more appropriate.

Hannah then says that she had plans of staying a virgin until she got married, but she got into a dude and she ended up having sex with a dude and it didn't work out and now she feels guilty that she won't have that to give to someone she was spending forever with. This is enough to redeem her bizarre behavior in the hot tub, and she gets the rose, a kiss, and fireworks. 

Group Date #2 is a camp theme. They play duck duck goose. He calls cornhole "football bag," and I'm like "oh cornhole is too taboo for The Bachelor?" but then Colton refers to the birdie as a "shuttlecock" during badminton and it occurs to me that maybe Colton is just that weird dude who uses obscure terms for everything. I'll bet he refers to a dresser as a "bureau" and a couch as a "davenport" too.

Anyways, the girls do some competitions like tug of war and canoeing, and the red team wins, which means they get to sleep over at camp while the yellow team goes home. Billy Eichner is there, and while I don't typically like his yelly form of comedy, he does deadpan that Colton is very brave for using the results of a 3-legged race to determine who is the best choice for his first sexual partner. 

Heather is ready to drop the bomb that she has never been kissed. Colton is suddenly the most sexually experienced person in a conversation for the first time since he was thirteen. I think in Heather's mind, this was going to be how she gets her first kiss, but Colton isn't feeling THAT confident, so he just lets the awkward silence lead to an awkward hand holding and ending to the conversation. No worries though, he gives her the rose for having the most embarrassing confession to offer him. She's lucky some girl said she'd gone to an all girls school and that he's the first boy she'd ever seen is on the show. That girl would've gotten a rose for sure.

First group date: Colton gives the rose to the oldest, most experienced girl in the group.

Second group date: Colton gives the rose to the youngest, least experienced girl in the group.

This seems completely consistent with a person who is completely unsure of what he wants and probably is incredibly frustrating for anyone who enters a relationship with him. Not surprising that the girls can't get a read how to behave and act around him.

Courtney opts for the "I'm in charge, I'm prepared for a family, I know what I want, and I'm ready to lead you to the promised land" strategy. It goes well, so well in fact that she bursts into tears. Girls that burst into tears because they have a good conversation with a guy are not ready for a family.

Sydney opts for the "I want you so bad I cheated in a canoe race" strategy. It seems to go well until....

Onyeka shows up with an air horn because she's horny. That girl has more props than Mary Poppins, which reminds me of this great SNL sketch. Enjoy.

Demi puts on a robe, steals Colton away, takes him upstairs to a bedroom, and gives him a backrub. Fantastic play by Demi to play to every girl's worst fear. Tracy takes it the worst, so poorly that she goes up in what looks like a glorified closet and cries. Demi tells her she's "an amazing storyteller" which I think is something that is only a compliment to grandparents. 

Finally it's time for the rose ceremony: Tayshia, and Cassie get the first roses, which is curious because they got very little screen time. Caelynn and Courtney follow, and I'm not seeing much from either of them that makes me think they're contenders. Demi follows, much to Tracy's disgust. Nicole the Cuban and Kirpa the Indian Hygenist follow. Hannah G gets a rose, and gives him a very sneaky wink as she accepts. Catherine and Bri get roses, ensuring all three of the "villains" are still around. Onyeka gets a rose, which meanwe'll get to see her pull out a tuba to interrupt a date next week. Sydney, Katie, Caitlin, Nina, and Tracy round out the group.

Annie, who I never was fully convinced was actually on the show, Angelique, and Alex the dog rescue girl are all bounced, which makes me think Colton is just eliminating girls alphabetically. Bri should be on notice next week.

Bachelor 2019: We Need to Ban 3 Hour Premieres

Welcome back! A three-hour episode on the first Monday of the new year after a two week vacation that also happens to be the same night as the national championship and oh by the way the kids have basketball, soccer, and ballet practice was just too damn much for me, so the blogging had to wait until tonight.

Turns out, the first hour was about as necessary as the pre-game show for the Super Bowl. A couple of "Colton's a virgin jokes," people with custom Bachelor themed t-shirts explaining how attractive Colton is, a proposal from a guy who claims that he first said I love you to his girlfriend after an episode of The Bachelor, and Crystal and The Goose in a hot tub in the parking lot. How desperate to be on TV do you have to be to hang out in a hot tub in the parking lot of a TV studio? Better yet, how desperate do you have to be to be one of those nameless extras in bikini's waiting in line to get in to a hot tub with Crystal and The Goose? C'mon people, be better.

 We do get to meet a few of the girls during this terrible first hour:

Cassie - the beach bum speech pathologist from California. She seems OK. Not sure I want her spending time with my kids yet, but thankfully they're well spoken young people

 Alabama Hannah refers to herself as the "Hot Mess Express." This is amazing, she seems pretty fun. Curiously though, she says that she's only "kissed four boys who have been her boyfriend.....but I'm not a virgin." This is a convenient way to omit the dozens of guys who got their "one night only" ticket punched on the Hot Mess Express.

All Aboard!

Katie is from "the East Coast." Maybe the vaguest location we've ever had. She now lives in California because she "loves to dance." Apparently the East Coast is still under the jurisdiction of John Lithgow in Footloose.

Goddamnit Katie I said NO DANCING! You go to California with that nonsense.

Heather is next. She's never been kissed. She's 22. I love it when we act like someone born in 1996 is some sort of freak if she hasn't fully lived her life yet. The other girls will think she's weird for sure.

Onyeakachewku is from a Nigerian family and says she's loud and obnoxious and isn't afraid to do crazy stuff in public. She may stick around for a while, but the fact we met her family during her intro video makes me think we won't be seeing them again later in the season.

Nicole from Miami is not about "the hook-up culture." She's a social media coordinator. Her brother is autistic. Somehow I don't think this is the last time we hear that this season.

Kirpa is a dental hygenist. Kirpa!

Demi is a Texas girl who starts her intro by accepting a collect call from federal prison. It's her mom. "My mom had to go to prison because of embezzlement," she says, as if embezzlement is a random thing that can happen to anyone. Man, I hope embezzlement doesn't send my mom to prison. She seems all sorts of unstable. I don't trust this one. She also compares being a virgin to only eating vanilla cupcakes - which also makes  no sense. "I'm the damn confetti cake" she says, as if that's the best cupcake flavor. She's so wrong.

We also get to see Colton and his upper body that looks like someone left the needle hooked up to the air compressor a little too long. We get to hear about how he was so focused on his football career than he sacrificed relationships and having sex. You know who says that? People who are scared or unable to have the sex that they want. Honestly, it sounds like something I would've said in high school. I was way too socially and mentally unprepared to have a girlfriend or be intimate with a girl, so I ended up saying things like "I don't have time for a girlfriend," instead of the more truthful "I wouldn't know what to do with a girlfriend if I had one." That's Colton to me. He's scared to have sex. He might be more terrified of having sex than anyone else in America at this point. And to be honest, that's OK. It's better to not have sex until you're ready than to make some sort of horrible mistake with the wrong person.

(Anyone who reads this, please remind me to show the paragraph above to my children when they start dating.)

Alright, let's get this show started! The first limo seems to hold all the girls we've already met. First we see Colton get out of a car driven by an older gentlemen half his size. That guy looks like he should be riding Seabiscuit instead of sitting behind the wheel of an SUV.

Oh, apparently Tiny Guy wasn't driving. He stands in the driveway and opens the door for the first limo too. Good luck dude.

Demi introduces herself and says she "hasn't dated a virgin since she was twelve." I keep hoping that means she dated some kid from seventh grade on until the end of high school, but given the way she talks and the looks of her hometown, I'm guessing that's not the case.

Tayshia is a phlebotomist and seems nice. She gives him multiple hugs.

Heather declines to remind Colton that they've met before. Probably a good start.

Nicole says half her heart is in Havana (in Spanish), which I think is a reference to the Camilla Cabello song, but Colton doesn't get it. He just says "So you're from Havana?" Which leads to Nicole having to awkardly say she's from Miami, but her family is from Havana. That didn't go great.

Caelynn is Miss North Carolina 2018, at least that's what her sash says.

Sydney is a dancer for an NBA team. Or she was. She tells Colton she had to quit to come on the show. NBA dancers don't have a great track record on this show.

Elyse is a redhead. This makes her one of my favorites, but she plays it super straight and doesn't do anything to make me think she's going to have much of a role on this season.

Tazjuan says she hopes that she's "Tazjuan" for Colton. Then she asks what he thought of her pun. Just let it hang there.

Cassie brings some butterflies. Kirpa has a sparkly purple dress. Caitlyn pops a balloon that apparently looks like a cherry. Courtney has him hold some cards and then takes one. It's a V. She took his V-card. That was dumb.

Then we get Alex in a sloth costume who moves and talks in slow motion. Enough with the costumes, Bachelor. They're not funny, everyone hates them, and now we're going to get sloth jokes for five weeks.

Onyeka (who is not Tazjuan as I originally thought) calls him a snack and says "Momma's ready to eat." The last person to use the term "snack" to refer to a person was either The Goose or Jordan on Bachelor in Paradise, and I thought it was probably "Me Too"-ish, so I can't endorse this from Onyeka.

Tracy shows up in a cop car and pronounces herself the "fashion police."

Devin is from Medford. Gotta root for her.

Raylin uses the Chinese word for "studmuffin" which I'm 100% sure doesn't exist.

Nina speaks Croatian and might be my favorite. Liked her.

Bri fakes an Australian accent. That should be fun later.

Laura has the same dress as never been kissed Heather. Apparently this is drama in The Bachelor world.

Hannah G. is a content creator. Jobs in 2019 man, I tell ya.

DJ Catherine with her dog is going to compete with Aussie Bri for America's most hated. She loaned her dog to Colton to live with him.

Also, these people with their dogs. Like, when you meet someone for the first time and all they do is talk about how great their kids are and how important they are, that's annoying right? Now imagine it's a dog.

Erin shows up in a Cinderella carriage, which prompts Erika to say "I really could've done more than a bag of nuts." Erika just got my first impression rose.

Another girl, who brought a Georgia peach and asked him if he wanted a bite says "I need him to know I'm more than fruit." I'm more than fruit gets my last impression rose.

Then we get a whole segment of....not the show. Just former contestants talking and more people proposing at Bachelor Watch Parties. Absolutely no reason to have this be 3 hours. I like all the former contestants less than I did before I started watching tonight, and if you've read this for a few years, you know I'm not exactly over the moon for any of them. Kaitlyn Bristowe in particular has been on a downward trajectory from her first night on Chris Soules season. What a mess.

Colton then says a bunch of things we've heard every Bachelor say for the last however many seasons "I value honesty, I see my wife in this room......blah blah blah."

Demi with the felon mom gets the first alone time. She's confident that Colton has a crush on her.

Erika can't figure out why he's a virgin. This bothers her. She demands to know why. Colton again reiterates that football came first....as if no successful football player has sex. Again though, I sort of see some of high school Andy in Colton. The way he talks about it being a conscious decision, and then getting to the point that he wasn't just going to throw it away on a one night stand. That's exactly how I was with alcohol. It was a conscious decision, in that alcohol played a factor in my parent's divorce and one of my friends got suspended and had to miss part of his junior year of basketball season after being caught with alcohol. I was not going to let that happen to me, so I said "not in high school." Then I got to college and figured that I'd made it this far, why not wait until I'm 21 and actually have my 21st birthday mean something? Only by then, I had seen my friends make some regrettable mistakes, been annoyed more times than I could count by drunk people, and just basically didn't think it was something to celebrate, so I gave up on it at all.

This is where I will tell you that I'm so glad that I decided to abstain from alcohol instead of sex....one of the smartest decisions I ever made.

Colton tells Hannah G. that she made a huge impression on him and she is relieved because she was so nervous, so he holds her hands and says "here, I do this with my mom, it'll help." I'm not sure this is a good sign for Hannah that he's already associating her with his mom, or maybe it is. Either way, it's creepy to me.

Miss Carolina gets the first kiss. She says she's from Virginia, but moved to North Carolina about a year ago. Immediately I'm wondering if she evaluated the pageant scene and saw a better opportunity to succeed in North Carolina than Virginia. Was there an especially deep pool of beauty queens in Virginia in 2018, so she transferred to a smaller state for more playing time? In any event, it was a good move for her - she finished second (first runner up in beauty pageant lingo) in Miss USA, so good for her, but I bet the runner-up in Carolina is still pissed and filing appeals on her residency.

Sloth is named Suzette, but the girl inside is a Boston girl named Alex. She says her brother is the best guy in the whole world....so her brother isn't Grant. (Just checking to see if you're reading, bro!) All I really want to know about Alex is if she was wearing that dress under the sloth costume the whole time, or if she just put it on real quick before getting her one-on-one time....because if she was climbing a tree in a dress in a sloth costume, that's hella impressive.

DJ Catherine is interrupted by Fashion Cop Tracy who is then interrupted by Onyeka in a snorkel who blows a whistle and tells Colton she heard he was "drowning in bitches." Strong play Oneyka. She wasn't kidding about not giving a crap about what other people think.

Onyeka isn't taking this crap, so she pulls Catherine away to discuss her "behavior." Onyeka tells her not to be disrespectful. This is the girl who said Colton was drowning in bitches. Unreal.

Catherine clearly does not give a crap. She makes a third interruption to get some more time. As usual, the girls who haven't had time yet are pissed that Catherine keeps taking time from them, but do nothing about it but whine to Onyeka so hopefully she does something about it.

 

Meanwhile the Hot Mess Express is starting to get in her own head. She says she's spiraling. This should be good. Instead she finally gets to talk to him, and she's adorable, and they pinky promise to be real with each other. That is not what the Hot Mess Express should be doing right now damnit. She should be aggressively kissing him near the fire and then catching her dress on fire and having to dive into the pool.

Hannah the content creator gets the first impression rose. I'm sure this is good for her career. I don't get it. All my favorites got barely any screen time, which means I'll be saying goodbye to most of them tonight. Hannah says "this validates everything." She brought an empty box because she heard Colton didn't wear undies. Validated her underwear joke?

Gotta love the girls crying BEFORE the rose ceremony. That's new.

Then we get a Chris Harrison tribute video. I think we've all made a joke about how Chris Harrison hasn't aged a bit, but when you see him in a side by side with a clip of him from Season One, you can definitely tell that he's older now. A good little montage though. More of that, less of Kaitlyn and JoJo please. And no more Ben Higgins. Ever.

Finally, it's rose time. Colton says "you all look so beautiful" and dives right in.

Miss North Carolina, Katie, Alex B., Hot Mess Express, Onyeka, Caitlyn, Annie (who's that?), Kirpa the dental hygenist, Never Been Kissed Heather, Redhead Elyse (yay!), Tayshia, More than Fruti Courtney, Speech Pathologist Cassie, Demi the felon-offspring, Croatian Nina (yay!), Erica McNutt, NBA dancer Sydney, Fake Aussie Bri, Angelique, Fashion Cop Tracy, Half Cuban Nicole, and DJ Catherine get the roses.

Time to go home Laura. Devin makes it two consecutive seasons that a sports journalist from Oregon is sent home on night one. Cinderella Erin is gone, as well as some girl whose name I've forgotten who mentally sent home quite a few girls who stayed.

We get a montage of the season upcoming, and every single girl seems to have mastered the Becca Kufrin "jump into the guy's arms and straddle him" move. Also, the girls all hate each other. Also, Colton walks a long way in a suit. He's like the Bachelor Elf. "And then I walked through the candy cane forest, jumped a fence, and disappeared into the night."

See you next week, y'all!

Bachelor 2018: After the Final Insult

Tonight, a very special episode where we see how far you can push a woman before she murders her ex-fiance on national television!

Is it possible that Chris Harrison is a vampire that doesn't age? Before we get an answer to that, we have to watch Arie propose on what looks like an airport carpet in front of that turd brown river again. Man it really was a weird looking as I remembered last night.

"The more I hung out with you, the more I felt like I was losing the possibility of maybe reconciling with Lauren."

This is a thing he said to his fiancee.  A woman he vowed to "choose" every day. What a knob. Also, ABC's edit of this breakup tonight has Arie just up and leaving a crying Becca on the couch without saying anything.....and somehow that's actually better than what really happened.

Then we get shots of Becca flying home to Minnesota, and then we get Arie talking about how nobody knows what HE is going through. What a dummy. Then he flies to Virginia and creeps around the side of Lauren's house like a perv and has a panic attack.

Meanwhile, poor Becca has to pose for shots while looking at pictures of the douche that just broke her heart and read the love journal she made for him. This is awful. Now they're making her watch videos of them together on a laptop? This is too much. This is like making Cavs fans watch LeBron highlights after he decided to sign with Miami.

Lauren apparently knows that Arie has dumped Becca, because she jumps into his arms and gives him a big hug. Lauren has her best shoulderless shirt on.

Arie then tells Lauren that he didn't pick her because she had a "look" in her eyes one time on a plane. He then goes on to say that he picked Becca because he knew she would be a good wife......like Lauren wouldn't make as good of a wife? What is this all about? How is this working on Lauren? Arie then tells her he definitely made the wrong decision and that he is 100% over Becca. That didn't take long. What an absolute monster.

Remember last night when his parents basically said he should pick Becca because she'd give him a kick in the ass and take care of him? His whole family knew he was a dumbass fuckboy and thought they maybe had a shot to pass him and his Peter Pan never grow up act on to someone else finally. His parents KNEW he was too dumb to make this decision on his own, and they damn near pulled it off.

Oh good Caroline is back here to tell us how awful this is for her. She's brought some other girls...Bekah, Tia, Sienne, and Kendall. Tia drops the bomb that Arie already knew Lauren was gonna take him back before he dumped Becca, which.....damn man. That's pretty heartless. Lauren clearly doesn't see that what he did to Becca he could do to her....because well he's telling her all the shit he told Becca a month and a half ago, and she's eating it up like Joey Chestnut.

Becca's going to be alright, y'all. She's got all of America in her back pocket right now, AND she's not married to Arie! Becca seems like she's gonna be alright, y'all. I'm pretty impressed at her ability to realize this has very little to do with her....she fell in love with a guy who didn't love her back, and she's already on to the next adventure.

But first, here's the showdown. Of course Arie goes in for the hug. What a dick. I hate that Becca was too nice to shut him down in front of a billion people on live TV.

So Arie and Becca have their sit down, and the only thing he apologizes for is proposing to her in the first place? My goodness. I can't even with this dude. In the end, Becca goes too easy on him because she's a honest to God good person. Didn't make for great television, but whatever. She's got her priorities in order.

Jason and Molly are here to talk about how horrible it is to go through this. Jason is pretty good on TV, and really tries to explain that Arie is a good dude, but the Bachelor will turn you into something you're not. I wish someone had done that for Juan Pablo.

Lauren and Arie are out here talking about how this has made them stronger and how hard this was for them and how this love story had its ups and downs as if there wasn't a woman that was totally wrecked by what he did. Lauren's even out there talking about how Arie couldn't have been more respectful in how he handled this situation. Barf.

They talk a lot about how much they love each other and then he proposes. She says yes, and we get a great shot of their parents shaking hands.  Arie's parents, who were all "Team Becca" last night, now have to smile and break bread with their backup in-laws. That was my favorite moment of the whole night.

Oh, and Becca is the new Bachelorette. I think they had to offer it to her. She's a great person, but I'm not sure she's great TV. We'll see you in May!

Bachelor Finale: DRAMA

Well after Olympics and youth sports on Mondays the past three weeks, the blog is back for the finale.

To recap, we've got rid of Bekah for being to young Kendall for being too awesome, and Tia for being too Southern, aka "That's So Raven." If you don't get that joke now, wait a second.

So we're left with Becca and Lauren. If you've forgotten, Becca is the one with the dufus ex-boyfriend who flew to Peru to get embarrassed on national television, and Lauren is a human "meh" emoji. WHO WILL HE CHOOSE?

We're off to Peru, which seems like a weird place to end this season, until you remember that they've pretty much covered every traditionally romantic place on the planet over the past 20 years, and also that they did a date in a broke down bowling alley earlier in the season.

Arie tells his dad that he loves them both and that no matter what he does, he'll be picking the right girl. Somehow I don't think tonight is going to go the way that Arie thinks it's going to. I love how Arie's dad refers to him as "Arie Jr." as if he wants to make sure there's no confusion amongst the viewers as to who the real Arie Luyendyk is.

Arie's family asks Lauren which date stood out to them. Lauren responds "all of them." She's such a great communicator. She tells the real Arie that she's been engaged before and she's worried that it won't work out again. Arie tells his family that he has to do a lot of reassuring Lauren, and he's wondering if he's going to have to do that forever if he picks her. This kills me, because Arie was looking for reassurance from ALL THE GIRLS ALL SEASON LONG. He's basically saying I don't have time to reassure you, because I'm going to need you to reassure me.

Lauren just breaks down in tears while talking to Mama Luyendyk, and I'm already scared for her for what's going to happen at the end of this episode. Lauren says she surprised herself by being able to talk about her feelings with Arie's family, and I'm trying to figure out when that happened because the only feeling I heard her really talk about was being nervous.

Becca's turn. She meets ARie with a long kiss and tells him he looks good in his untucked denim shirt and jeans. Becca sits on a throne of lies. They sit on the edge of a fountain and rub noses and talk about how much they love each other and how today is going to be awesome.

Arie's mom is no dummy. She mentions Lauren was nervous about being engaged before and wondering about Becca's reservations....basically trying to get her to talk about Ross, but Becca doesn't take the bait. They show Arie and his mom talking, and she says "if I were you, I'd lean towards......" but they don't finish the sentence. I'll bet that's editing on ABC's part and she actually did have an opinion.

Arie Sr. tells Becca that he's sure she's met Lauren and knows how great she is......what a weird way to lead off a conversation. Becca says she's a great girl, but they're very different and she made better connections with other girls. "I hate being compared to her...it's like comparing an apple to a starfish" she says. I'm not sure who is the apple and who is the starfish. Arie's family misses no opportunity to let Becca know that they all met Lauren and liked her.....they're really putting the "dyk" in Luyendyk right now. Becca wants to puke and hates talking about Lauren. Can't say I blame her.

Arie's family definitely has a preference. Arie keeps trying to justify Lauren, saying "you don't see it, but she can be really funny and dance around and stuff." The family then says "ok glad we you justified that, but we love Becca for you." Arie Sr. says "you need a kick in the ass sometimes, and Becca's going to be the one to give it to you." Such a dad thing to say. "You never listened to me, maybe you'll listen to her."

Arie seems a little bummed his family didn't pick Lauren. He says he's going to have to drop her if she doesn't give him some more reassurance that she's the one on their date.

Caroline is back to talk about how hard this has been for for her to watch. Never before has a girl who got sent home so early been given such a platform. Screw her. She's basically Chris Harrison's hype-woman right now. She's up there to act as offended as possible to get people to keep watching, and I hate it.

Arie tells us he's pretty sure it's Becca, so it's going to be tough to go on a date with Lauren, but he's going to try to have fun. Such a gentleman, trying to have fun before he breaks this girl's heart. They head off to Machu Picchu. They take a train, point at stray dogs, kiss some, and talk about what their dogs would think if they ever met each other. They say things like "Wow. That's insane. That's so cool. That's amazing. It's incredible. We are lucky that we are here." Who knew Machu Picchu could render you speechless? I've never seen two people who tried so hard to say what they think they're supposed to say to each other. It's like bad high school theater of two people pretending to be married.

Lauren and Arie have another one of their deep conversations where neither of them have their heartbeat get above 45. Lauren's reaction to pretty much everything can be summed up in one gif:

Arie feels like he's in love with Lauren, and after making out with her and hearing how much she loves him, he's feeling like he should be marrying her at this moment. Uh oh. Clearly he completed his mission of having fun with her and now he doesn't want to break up with her because she might blink and say "I don't love that." That'd be hard for him to hear, I'd imagine.

Becca's got a lot of rain on the day of her final date, which is probably terrible foreshadowing for her. The bad omen's continue as they have a picnic in what looks like a random alpaca field as the wind whips around and thunder crashes in the distance. Can we talk for a second about how screwed Becca has gotten the past few weeks? ABC flies in her ex boyfriend but neither of Lauren's ex-fiances? Lauren gets a fantasy suite with a jacuzzi  tub, Becca gets a goddamn tent in the desert.  Lauren gets Machu Picchu, Becca gets an alpaca farm in the rain. If I didn't know better, I'd say ABC was handicapping this race.

Becca then shares her fears with Arie, who frankly does a shit job of reassuring her at all. Becca then gives him a scrapbook of their time together. She uses her "do the damn thing" catchphrase, puts in pictures with the caption "143"......she's like maddeningly normal. She'd be the boring girl on this season if not for Lauren, who is like a cardboard cutout of a Bachelor contestant.

Harrison then gives us the two bachelors who have done the multiple women thing before....Ben Higgins and Jason Mesnick. Ben famously told both JoJo and the original Lauren B. both that he loved them before dumping JoJo. Jason picked one girl, then after the show ended broke it off to pick the other girl. That was before my time watching this show, but I'll bet that was pretty crazy stuff when it happens. Also, for my money, I don't know why everyone thinks Ben Higgins was such a great bachelor. Without a doubt Brad Womack is the best one there's ever been. I mean, they had him on twice! He's the Archie Griffin of Bachelors.

Arie picks the ring with Neil Lane in one of Neil's shortest stints ever on this show. Poor Neil got his time cut so we could see this disaster play out in real time.

It's so weird to me that Arie the Dutch dude is proposing in Peru amongst all these Peruvian things....but I guess that's how it goes. Lauren's the first out the limo, and it doesn't look good for her right now. Lauren walks towards Arie, dodging alpacas as a muddy brown river flows rather forcefully behind him. What a weird setting.

Lauren says she's freaking out. Her expression says she is heavily sedated. Arie, being the great guy he his, says nothing. Lauren then lays her heart out, and Arie just shakes his head, before telling her she's not the one. Lauren says "I'm extremely confused." Her face says "is it time for bed yet?" Arie gives her a hug and says "I'm so sorry" and then walks her out. This was not very dramatic, ABC...and then before he drops her in the limo, she says "why did you do that?" Such a great question. Arie apologizes for putting her through that, then she says "I still love you." Arie kisses her on the cheek and says "I love you too." So very weird.

Lauren then asks a lot of great questions in the reject limo she should've told him when she had the chance, like "how could he propose if he didn't know what to do until 3 hours ago?" and then says "I feel like he's making a big mistake."

Here comes Becca, through the alpaca obstacle course to meet Arie by the Muddy River. She lays her soul bare in front of him, just like Lauren did. Arie then goes into his "from the moment I met you...." speech. Then he gets down on one knee, opens the ring and says "I choose you today, and I choose you every day from here on out." She says yes, and everything seems amazing. Honestly I thought he was going to call her Lauren. Arie says "when are we going to start having babies?" Becca says "tonight!" Oh man, she's super happy. What the hell happens?

We get some home video footage of the two of them making out and kissing. Then we get some filmed stuff of them together, which I don't think we've ever really seen before. Do they normally keep the camera crews on them? Arie's thinking about Lauren all the time apparently. Arie seems way too casual about what he's about to do to this poor woman.

So he's decided 100% that he's all in on Lauren? What if Lauren says no? What if Lauren says "dude, you had your chance?" We'll find out I guess, after Arie just eviscerates Becca on TV. People in the crowd start booing, as if Arie is making this decision to please them. You monsters created this man!

ABC goes double box on Arie and Becca's face, and Arie goes into how he's been struggling and that the reality is that that he still thinks about Lauren and then he says "the more time I spend with you, the more I realized that I might be losing the chance to reconcile with Lauren." Holy shit dude, do you not know how engagements work?

Arie then basically tells Becca she was the girl he was supposed to pick, but Lauren was the girl he should have picked. At this point, Becca takes the ring off her finger. She's done. Arie continues to try to explain himself, and predictably does a terrible job, because there's no justifying this crap. Arie then tells her that he's doing her favor by not making her go on "After the Final Rose" to talk about this. Then he says "I've put a lot of thought into this" which is pretty shitty to say to someone you just blindsided and has had literally five minutes to process your shady decision.

Becca then announces she is done, and walks off to pack her stuff. Arie then goes to tell her he's going to leave, and that he just feels like if he leaves now there will still be more to say. Becca just tells him to leave. He stands there and looks at her until she turns and walks into another room. He then slowly turns and walks out of the house as Becca cries in a closet. Arie, of course, doesn't actually leave. He just hangs out on the porch looking at the ring he gave Becca....because he's apparently trying to get murdered. Why doesn't he just call Lauren from the porch and ask her what she's wearing while he's at it?

Oh fuck me he's going back inside.

And then he knocks on the door and asks her if she's ok.....oh man. Oh man oh man oh man. What is he doing? Why would he do this? The only explanation for this is that he's not sure Lauren's going to take him back and he's trying to somehow leave the door open for a reconciliation with Becca, which....fat fucking chance bro. You are toast.

I seriously thought after last week that Ross had no shot of reconciling with Becca. He'd just basically embarrassed her and himself on national TV. Then Arie had to go all "hold my beer," and now I think that Ross may have just found his golden ticket to Becca's chocolate factory.

Arie keeps wanting her to say something, but I'm not sure what it is. Becca finally says "I feel like my future was ripped away." That's it. Hit him where it hurts. Then she follows it up with "I love you and I want you to be happy even if it's not with me."

NO BECCA. BAD BECCA. Do not give this sociopath any more validation.

Arie then tells Becca that he wants her to know how he's feeling, which is "in love with Lauren?" Cripes dude. What are we still doing here?

Arie better hope Lauren takes him back.

Holy hell....Becca is live in studio watching this? I gotta say I didn't see that coming. Remember how she said she was ready to start making babies the night of the proposal? What if she's pregnant right now???

Bachelor 2018 Week 5: Arie You Kidding Me?

So this week kicks off in Fort Lauderdale. What happened to the budget of this show? Didn't they used to leave Los Angeles for foreign countries immediately? Now we're going to spring break locations that are affordable to the brokest of college students. Tune in next week for a trip to Paris.....Texas.

Not wasting any time, Arie shows up and takes Chelsea out on a date. The rest of the women, who apparently left every article of clothing that covered their belly button back at the mansion sit around and complain about not getting the date. But wait...Maquel is back, and she's wearing a whole dress! It's like she's the one person that misinterpreted the invitation to a party and showed up in a costume. Poor Maquel.

Chelsea and Arie cruise around on a yacht and jet ski as the other women watch them through a telescope. This is what people had to do before Facebook to see what their exes were up to with other women.

Oh, you know, just watching this bitch straddle my man on a jet ski. No big deal....

Chelsea and Arie's date is pretty run of the mill, but at dinner Chelsea really lays on the tragic backstory. Her ex was apparently rich and made her life super easy. I get the feeling he was like ten years older than her and it was a really sugar daddy situation. Anyways, after seven years, she got pregnant and he dumped her six months after their son was born. He shacked up with another woman whom he is now married to and they have a child of their own. Chelsea says "I was left with nothing but my trash bags and my possessions." Ummmmm....and the kid, right? That adorable little bugger you keep reminding everyone you're missing time with while you travel around the country with this guy and his dozen other girlfriends? Reba McEntire Colonel Sanders has a song called "Fancy" about a very poor woman whose mom buys her a fancy dress to impress the fellas at a dance so that she can escape her life of poverty. I feel like that's how Chelsea is treating being on this show. Here's your one chance Chelsea don't let me down.

Chelsea (sort of) recovers by saying "I've never had less, and yet I feel like I've never had so much," which I think is a reference to her son, but really could be to her Twitter followers. Who knows. Arie buys it though, and gives her a rose. Good for her.

Group date time, and we're going bowling at the bowling alley time forgot. It's like that scene in Field of Dreams where Ray leaves the hotel and it's 1972 again. And why does this bowling alley not have pint glasses to drink beer out of? Everyone is drinking from those cheap plastic cups that you usually see at a dentist's office or something. Seriously, they couldn't even afford Solo? What happened to you, Bachelor? The show is like Chelsea....never had so little.

Arie tells the girls at the start that they're going to have a competition: winners get to go to an after party, the losers go home. Krystal is already pounding the beer from these little cups. At one point she leads the girls on her team in a prayer in which she asks her dogs to be their angels and lead them to victory. This is hands down the craziest thing that's ever happened on the show. Anyways, Krystal's team wins, and Bekah, Kendall, a couple of the anonymous blonde girls (Jenna and Lauren maybe?) and Marikh are sent to this weird locker room type thing to think about how they just lost a chance at furthering their relationships with Arie because they suck at bowling.

Krystal lines up her shot and "oh my god! There's Bekah!"

Arie quickly surveys the winning team and realizes that he doesn't get to tongue wrestle with the 22 year old or the crazy hot chick with the dead animals, and does an about face on the sending the losers home. Sports in America today man....orange slices, trophies and dates for everyone.

Krystal is super pissed about this  (she does have a legitimate beef here I think) and just continues to drink and rage. She rips off her bowling shirt in the living room of the suite and saunters back into the bedroom to drink some more I'd presume. She emerges later and tells everyone "I packed all my stuff I'm so mad that he went back on his word." This explains why she's wearing a bathrobe. SHE LITERALLY PACKED ALL HER STUFF! Krystal does what she says, God damnit. She lets the other girls know she will not be going on their date. The girls kinda shrug and give her a Cowboy Bill farewell:

 

 At the party, Arie, ever attentive, says "hey, we're all here!" After the girls correct him, he heads out to find Krystal. Classic Bachelor move. Nine girls happy to see you, one girl pissed at you for no real reason, and you abandon  the nine normal ones to go deal with crazy. I never understand why the girls don't just disband at that point. I remember one time I was at Shari's with a girl in college (not a date, just some late night food with friends) and she got up to go talk to someone else in the restaurant. Forty minutes later, she still hadn't returned to our table, so I figured she was going home with them and left. I felt like that was the appropriate response. Turns out the guy she was talking to had recently lost his sister to suicide, which kind of explained everything. Only she never told me that was what was up, so I didn't know. Live and learn. I'm off topic.

Arie goes to talk to Krystal, who is way less angry than her prior actions indicated. She's just kind upset that he told them one thing and then did the other. Arie denies doing this, but that's exactly what he did. He tries to wriggle out of it by saying he wasn't going to cut Krystal's time short, just extend the evening to give everyone time. Because everyone wants to sit around until 4 am to have a chance to talk to you, Arie. He leaves by saying "I think you should stay in the room, and I'll talk to you in a couple days." Arie just grounded her! The other ladies should approve: I think he just proved he'll make a great father with the way he handled that situation. 

Krystal, feeling a bit sheepish for her actions, unpacks a very flowery dress that looks like you might wear to an Easter family function and sashays into the after party just as Bekah does yet another Krystal impression. Do you think the other women are like "Bekah does THE BEST Krystal impression! Hey Bek! Do it again!" or do they roll their eyes as she makes the same joke for the 1,000th time? Krystal tries to justify her actions, but she knows she just did the exact same thing she's allegedly pissed at Arie for doing, so she retreats back to her hotel suite without even talking to Arie. Probably a good move, since he grounded you and would like totally take away your cell phone for violating your curfew.

Up next is a one an one date with Tia. They take one of those hydroplane thingys around the everglades looking for gators. Arie, realizing that he hasn't compared love to a demolition derby car or a dog show or a yacht or any other date prop on the show yet, chooses this alligator to be his allegory: "Looking at this alligator reminds me that love is scary."

Moving on.....Arie takes Tia to Gerald's house. I don't get the sense that this place is a hotel or a B&B or anything like that. It's just the shack of a dude that lives in the Everglades, seemingly miles from any other humans. Gerald is exactly the kind of person you would expect to live in such a place. He's very friendly, but you get the sense he's either hiding from the law or is required by the law to live out here. Gerald built this place with his bare hands after it burned to the ground "in the first part of 2000." WHO BURNED IT DOWN AND WHY, GERALD? Gerald likes to go "froggin'," which Tia helpfully describes as shining a spotlight on a frog and spearing it with a ten foot pole. Froggin' is not a healthy way to spend your time, Gerald. 

Tia wins the award for first girl to tell Arie she loves you, as she shyly avoids eye contact in her JC Penney Jr. Prom dress. Arie also looks like he's headed to Jr. Prom, in clothes he found in the back of his father's closet from twenty years ago. Nothing about this dinner says "romantic meal for two people contemplating marriage," including the giant neon sign behind them that says "LIVE BAIT." Nonetheless, they have maybe the most in depth conversation two people have had on this show in quite some time.....even going so far as to discuss their thoughts on God and if they can work out a relationship despite having differing theological viewpoints. They then kiss at the table before walking up by the Live Bait sign and kissing again. "I've been waiting for you to push me up against something," Tia coos, as Arie strokes her collar bone as he makes out with her? Seriously, what is that? It's not normal, and it makes me think that Arie has been taking lessons from Gerald on how to seduce women and murder them in the Everglades.

With all the dates done, it's time for the cocktail party. I'm expecting all the girls to have one on one time with Arie, but instead they all spend their one on one time with Krystal. It's amazing how, season after season, these girls always get so wrapped up in what the villain is doing and take their eyes off the prize. Bekah, Tia, and Kendall all confront Krystal who just continues to say the same thing over and over again: "I was hurt and who hasn't lashed out in that situation?"

Kendall does actually talk to Arie too, and she has this book of 100 questions. This was a popular thing in the 1990s....I remember having a book of questions and writing my answers down in it, but Kendall has made her own questions. Arie asks for #99 (his racing number) and she flips through and reads it:

"If you were amongst a tribe of people who had the ritual of eating the bodies of recently deceased people, would you try human flesh?"

I don't think I'd ever want to date Kendall, but God damn I need that woman in my life. She can be my neighbor. We'll invite her over for pizza and board games every Friday. I'll bet she gives the best answers in Balderdash. 

Krystal (ugh) also gets her moment with Arie, and she tries to wriggle her way out of trouble by suggesting that the date triggered her PTSD because her mom (who was emotionally unavailable) worked in a bowling alley, and the men she brought home from this bowling alley would make her promises and then not follow through. That's right, Arie.....she just compared you to the guy who picks up the shoe girl at the bowling alley and tells he loves her so he can sleep with her. Yikes. Arie does not seem to be buying it. "We just had our first fight!" Krystal jokes. "Could be our last fight too" Arie quips back, in the first likeable moment he's had all season. 

Take that, Krystal!

On most girls, I feel like that line might've sent them into tears. However, we're dealing with a girl who prayed to her dogs to deliver a bowling victory. Then again, those angel bowling dogs delivered, so I'm sure Krystal's convinced that it's their last fight because once they're rid of all these other bitches and living together in Scottsdale they will never be angry with each other again.

Rose Ceremony time! Only real drama is if Krystal will get a rose. She does, meaning Maquel, Ashley and Marikh are sent packing. Rough week for Maquel - grandpa dies, returns to the show to go bowling in Ft. Lauderdale, and then is sent home again. If she'd milked the dead grandpa thing another week, she'd have been cruising the Seine by the Eiffel Tower in Paris. Those are the breaks, kid.

Bachelor 2018 Week 4: Age Ain't Nothing but a Number

And that number is 14....as in Bekah is 14 years younger than Arie. This is a huge problem, apparently. You know what isn't a big deal? Maquel's age. She's 13 years younger than Arie, but nobody seems to care about that.

Harrison shows up and sends the girls into conniptions because they're heading to South Lake Tahoe! Ten years ago I probably would've been annoyed with the unnecessary distinction of "South" Lake Tahoe, but then I moved to North Albany, and now I totally get it.

Seinne gets the first solo date of the Tahoe portion of our journey. Arie goes parasailing with Seinne, and Seinne tells us that parasailing is "almost like flying" and "about letting go." Actually, it's exactly like flying, and it's not about letting go because you are literally attached to a rope. Parachuting....that's about letting go. Didn't this girl go to Yale?

Arie then tells Seinne that he likes doing things outdoors, and that's what he loves about Scottsdale. The average high temperature in Scottsdale is over 100 degrees all summer and that sounds miserable to be outside. I guess the temps being in the sixties and seventies all winter would be nice though.

So far this episode sucks. Seinne is too chill to be interesting, and Arie just can't carry a conversation. The boring episode is salvaged a little bit, but unfortunately it's because Maquel's grandfather died. She's heading out, and the other girls just sit on the couch and watch her cry and pack in silence. I can't tell if this is bullshit editing by ABC to make the girls look like heartless monsters or if they're actually all that psychotic. Either way, I feel terrible for Maquel.

The group date names are announced, and it's only significant because Bekah isn't named, meaning she gets the one on one. Krystal is pissed and doesn't understand why he'd take someone so young on the date. The translation is that she is pissed he didn't take her on another one on one date. I'll never get why every season there's always one girl that thinks she's the only one on the show and doesn't understand that for there to even be a show, he has to at least pretend to like a few other girls. Actually, he doesn't even have to pretend...he just has to go on dates with other girls so ABC can pretend he likes them. Krystal sucks

Back on the solo date, Seinne tells Arie she wants him to teach her how to wink. Can you learn how to wink, or is it like rolling your tongue? I have no idea, so I googled "learn to wink." There are some great suggestions like "focus on your eye and think 'move, move, move'" and "hold one eye open with your fingers while you close the other one." Tell me you wouldn't love to see Arie trying to train Seinne's eyes to wink. Instead, Arie laughs his weird semi creepy laugh and then we move on. Seinne is now reminding us that there were no fairy tale love stories involving black women pre-Princess and the Frog. She says something about how she feels like her being on this show is something young black girls can look up to. I can't tell if she actually thinks that, or if she's using that Yale education to put Arie on the spot and feel like he's letting all the girls from minority races down if he lets her go. It's a pretty strong play though either way.....and it works. She gets the rose.

 Time for the group date. Arie takes the ladies out into the woods to have a survival date with the straight up creepiest couple in Reality TV history. This serial killer looking dude and his British wife are super excited to get these girls to pee in canteens in case they need to drink it....as if they're going to be out in the Tahoe wilderness for a month instead of two hours. Arie then drinks his "pee" which is actually apple juice. Marikh says that Gandhi drank his own pee because he thought it was nutritious, which is the kind of fake news bullshit that is ruining America. Donald Trump would be super proud of that one.

Up next is some bug eating and then a nature hike to a secluded hot tub. Krystal tries to canoodle up to Arie, which leads to one of the best moments in Bachelor history in my opinion. Caroline and Tia then cuddle exactly like she's cuddling with Arie and say "we have strategy too!" which kills the cuddle vibe for Arie and also tips Krystal a little closer to crazy town. Now all of a sudden she's too mature to be in the hot tub and starts talking about how she feels like she's in high school and everyone's in love with the camp counselor. If that's what happens at high school girls camps, I need to advise every adult male to not be a camp counselor unless they want to end up on Nancy Grace.

At the post party, Arie tells Lauren that "he should take her on a date" and he tells Kendall "She is so brave" because she ate a bug. The way Arie talks to them kind of reminds me of that nervous interview guy that Chris Farley used to play on SNL....."remember that time you ate a bug and then we kissed? That was awesome."

Krystal then dominates the remainder of the night, whining to Arie about how ostracized she feels and blah blah blah. She then whispers to Arie that he should tell Tia, who is tryign to interrupt, that he needs one more minute, which is diabolical...and totally works because Arie is a total wuss. She then calls Tia and Caroline over to tell her that they hurt her feelings by poking fun at the fact that she was cuddling with the only man in the hot tub. Krystal then tells Tia that she is here for Arie, otherwise she wouldn't be putting up with her bullshit. Amazing.

Tia then cries on Arie's shoulder....not because Krystal is frustrating her, but because she's scared of how much she likes him.

Thankfully this date comes to an end, and Tia gets it. Krystal is flummoxed. Arie wastes no time in leaving the girls to kill each other, as he all but sprints out of the room and says "welp see ya later!" What a douche. I don't get what these girls see in him really.....maybe he's better off camera, but all I see is a sorta good looking guy with really dumb jokes and no ability to engage in a serious or deep conversation. If you were the Bachelorette and signed up all the realtors in Scottsdale, would he even make it out of the first night?

Arie and Bekah like to talk about how deep and enriching their conversations are, but all we hear is talk about the weather and how they've never been to Tahoe and how good they are at kissing each other and how pretty the water is and holy shit it's all just filler between kisses. I don't care if you guys are just horny for each other, but don't patronize America by telling us how deep you are.

I thought about typing everything that these two said to each other to illustrate how insanely inane the conversations these two have are...but it really just ended up being both of them saying "like" and "you know" to each other sixty billion times

Arie wraps up the date by threatening to send her home because "she's the most amazing person he's ever met in his life, but he NEEDS a wife." He doesn't, he just sends gives her a rose and tells her he's lucky she's there. He'll send her home next week.

Arie then kills the cocktail party and makes all the girls start sweating by heading straight to the rose ceremony. I like how it's seen as a kind gesture to the girls going home to make them get all dressed up and then send them home before the free food and booze at the fancy party. Krystal then pulls a Krystal and steals Arie away during the rose ceremony to get her final word in. I'm looking forward to all the girls accepting roses and then immediately giving them back if Krystal doesn't go home. It'll be like that scene in Rudy where all the players lay their jerseys down until Rudy gets to play.

Also, why don't all the other girls then demand the same amount of one on one time he just gave Krystal? That only seems fair and if Arie is willing to hear one girl out and not you, then you don't want to be with him anyways. It's a bold move and one I think would win the hearts of America.

Lauren, Ashley, Becca, Chelsea, Jenna, Kendall, Jacqueline, Marikh, and Kendall join Tia, Seinne and Bekah with roses. Gone are Caroline and Brittney. I had Caroline going far because she seemed like one of those under the radar girls that is just nice and easy to get along with but doesn't do anything that merits TV time. Will Maquel make a re-entry next week? Will Krystal be murdered in her sleep?

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK!

Bachelor 2018, Week 2: Bumper Car Trauma

They should never air this show on the same night as the national championship. It just sucks.

Arie is riding a motorcycle as the girls talk about how much of a hunk he is. Harrison hypes the girl up and they girls giggle uncontrollably as he whips the date card out of his back pocket.

Do the Damn Thing Becca gets the first one on one! I'm 0-1 on my fantasy picks (I had Annaliese.) Arie and Becca ride off into the California foothills on his motorcycle. Back at the house, Chelsea says she loves the adrenaline of putting herself behind something that might be a little more powerful than her. I immediately picture her at a gun range getting all geeked as she fires round after round into a dummy as she pictures whatever person had the misfortune of getting on her bad side that day. Chelsea scares the shit out of me.

Not to be outdone though, Krystal goes full Debbie Downer, saying that her dad was in a bad motorcycle accident and that she's seen "a lot of people who were killed or lost body parts." That wouldn't stop her from going on the motorcycle, mind you....but she would have to pull Arie aside to let him know about these hundreds of dismembered motorcyclists that she's come across. "It's probably a good thing he didn't pick you then" one girl quips, and I instantly like her more even though I can't remember her name (I think it's Sienne, like the minivan only cooler).

Becca's date consists of a trip to try on dresses with celebrity designer Rachel Zoe, who I had to google because I'd never heard of her. I saw a tweet earlier today where she thanked Arie for having her on the show, but I assumed she was like a Lifetime Channel reality show host or something. Turns out she's got more followers than there are residents in the state of Oregon, and she is kind of a big deal. Becca says that Minnesotans don't have days like this very often, and I don't know how to break it to her that celebrity designers don't personally select your dress for your first date with a minor celebrity in Oregon or Texas or New York all that often either.

Arie then gives her a pair of Louboutins and Neil Lane sends some random guy with a case full of jewelry to complete the ensemble. Every man in the world is like "I once had a pair of Jordans that came in a case like that." As a guy who would rather wear a hoodie and Chuck Taylors, I never understand the allure of putting a $3,000 pair of shoes on. Walking on a couple mortgage payments seems like a bad idea.

Even better, ABC sends her back to the mansion to show off all the swag that Arie didn't buy her (ABC picked up the tab). The girls are way more jealous of the fact that she got dresses and shoes than that she spent time with Arie. At dinner, Becca says she spent "seven years on and off" in a relationship. Arie asks what made it a seven year relationship, and it's because he was dating her when her dad died of brain cancer. I don't know what the percentage of people in their 20's whose fathers have passed away, but according to The Bachelor, roughly 50% of the country is fatherless or orphaned before they can rent a car.

Krystal gets the next one on one, and I couldn't be more excited about it. Becca got a motorcycle ride, Krystal gets a private jet. Arie's taking her to Scottsdale. Krystal is loving getting the tour of Arie's first job at Pizza Hut, his first kiss under some trees on side of a random street (really, Arie?) and Arie spent a lot of time in the principal's office. Such a bad boy. Arie has a bunch of photos of him as a child and old videos of him at his house, which is super weird because nobody my age I know has these photos in their house...those stay at the parents until they die, right? Given that this is The Bachelor, it's safe to assume Arie's parents died traumatically, but that's not the case...they're off to meet the 'rents. Arie says that this is the first time he's brought a girl home since Emily. I don't now if he meant the first time he's brought a girl and a film crew, but c'mon man.

Arie's parents have been married for 36 years. Krystal immediately says "I'm sure it hasn't all been rainbows, right?" GTFO, Krystal. This is a super beef of mine, that it's just assumed that everyone who is married has big fights and comes close to breaking up and that you have to "survive" a marriage. It's just not the case. Krystal drops the ominous "I'm not close to my family, and I know that's important to Arie." The girl with the heart of gold that gives random paper bags to homeless people doesn't have room in her life for her family? I can't wait to hear this story.

Good thing it's time for the emotional dinner! Krystal's parents divorced when she was really young. She calls it "non traditional." Her dad wasn't part of her life, and her mom was there but "emotionally unavailable." She had to buy herself a blanket at nine years old. Her brother is homeless and got beat up. His hair got singed somehow. She wanted to help him, but he just wanted a bus ticket to Venice. This being The Bachelor, I immediately thought Italy and that it was a strange place to send your homeless brother. Futhermore, if my brother was living on the streets and wanted a bus ticket to go live on the streets again, I'd tell him to stop being dumb and come live with me.

Krystal gets a rose and a concert from Connor Duermit who despite having 2,500 Twitter followers to Rachel Zoe's 3.8 million is every bit as famous as her in my eyes because I'd never heard of either of them before tonight. She's on cloud 9 and is convinced that her relationship is stronger than anyone elses.

Krystal is worried that jealousy will creep in if she tells the girls about their date, so she opts for being coy and evasive about what happened on the date, which of course makes the girls think that she's hiding something amazing and makes them super jealous.

Here's a tip: Girls just don't like other girls, especially other girls that have something that they want. I just had a conversation with my daughter tonight about how her best friend at school told her she wanted to play with someone new today, but then she played with McKenna who isn't new at all and somehow this was McKenna's fault for stealing her BFF. THEY ARE SIX YEARS OLD. There's a lot of talk about how girls are taught to not support one another by the media and society (I guess this means men) but damned if I can figure out how my daughter figured this out watching My Little Pony and Mosha and the Bear. I think it's just ingrained in them the way it's ingrained in boys that peeing outside is more fun than peeing inside.

Group date time....time to drive cars for a demolition derby. Somehow the sight of a 36 year old man driving a beat up 4-door sedan with flames painted on the side drives these women crazy. In Albany that would land you a post on Albany Happenings with someone telling other women that they need to watch out for the sketch dude with the flames on his car cuz he's probably a tweaker. The girls are mostly having fun decorating their cars and driving around slamming into trash cans to prepare. Bibiana screams "I don't even have a license!" as she plows through a trash can. She then says she wants to do this when she gets back to Miami, which should make every pedestrian nervous.

Annaliese is not having fun though. She's having flashbacks to a traumatic bumper car experience she had as a child. If you came here looking for me to make fun of her, you're going home dissappointed, because THE SAME SHIT HAPPENED TO ME. It was at Oaks Park in about 1985 or 1986. Somehow I got hit and my funny bone went numb. Scared the hell out of me and I started crying. The crying kid on the bumper car track is like chum in the water around a bunch of great white sharks. Kids two or three times my age were taking full runs at me from across the arena and lighting my ass up. My mom risked her life running out amongst these bloodthirsty savages to rescue her first born.

Annaliese, you are not alone. I too am a survivor of bumper car trauma.

Chris Harrison then ruins my somber vibe by saying "Annaliese just took a big one in the back" and I can't take it seriously anymore. Thanks for that sophomoric slap to the face, Chris.

 

Chelsea gets the first one on one time at the after party, and uses it to tell Arie that she's a single mom. It's a big deal for her, and Arie lets her know he's taking it seriously by making out with her. Close your eyes, Sammy...it's time for Mama to get down to business.

While the other girls go and talk to Arie, Bibiana spends her time watching and making snide comments about not getting time. This then gets to the point where she just quits on the night, saying "it's too late, do you really think I want to talk to him like this?" Classic "I'd rather quit than fail" response. Bekah the braless nanny gets a really involved kiss, but Sienne gets the rose because she went to Yale. Seriously, I think that's why she got a rose. Arie thinks she's smart. Let that be a lesson to all you young women out there. Stay in school, bust your ass and get a degree from an Ivy League school, and you too could impress a guy with a high school diploma who drives cars and used to work at Pizza Hut. Sky's the limit, ladies.

At the cocktail party, Arie presents Brittany with a certificate for being "Most Hardcore," He then greets Braless Bekah by saying "where do you want to go?" The guy was seriously so excited to get her alone, I thought he was going to take her to like his private villa thing down the hill, or maybe just bail on the rest of the ceremony and take her to a hotel, but no...they go to the front porch, where they act like a couple of teenagers talking about how they didn't think the other liked them and then kissing and touching each other in places that are appropriate but hint that you'd like to inappropriately touch them.

Krystal then wants to say hi after not seeing him for a few days, and Bibiana is still glued to the couch and getting pissed. In fairness, she's not the only one that is pissed that a girl with a rose wants to talk to Arie. You'd think that after 22 seasons of the same shit happening these girls would not be shocked, but here we are. Bibiana is burning all the goodwill she had with me flipping out about this.

Finally, Bibiana gets her time! It's a pretty mundane conversation, but then Krystal interrupts Bibiana and SHIT. IS. ON. Bibiana clearly thinks every girl in the room has her back, but as nobody pipes up to support her, she keeps giving nervous glances like "c'mon girls, you're with me, right? RIGHT?" and getting no support whatsoever. I think maybe she's realizing that she's out on this limb by herself, but then she stands up and yells "mic drop!" and walks out. You can't fake mic drop yourself, can you? Anyways, she's convinced that the only reason she could possibly go home is Krystal's meddling, and vows to come find her after the show. Bibiana is crazy.

Roses go to Becca, Krystal, Sienne, Maquel, Jaclyn, Bekah, Jenna, Chelsea, Lauren S., Tia, Lauren B., Annaliese, Kendall, Hardcore champion Brittany, Ashley, Marikh, Caroline, and Bibiana! I'm happy that she's sticking around for more crazy moments, but we could've had one REALLY crazy moment if she'd gone home. In this case, I'll take quantity over quality.

Gone are Lauren G., Valerie, and Jenny, who doesn't even say good bye to Arie as she ghosts him on the way out the door. Arie of course follows her and says "give me a hug at least" as he hugs her as she stands straight as a statue. There was not comforting her there, Arie. Arie tells her her's not feeling it and that he's gotta make tough choices. Jenny says that this thing isn't for her, and that she made some friends and Arie says "hope you find what you're looking for" and hugs her  emotionless body again. Jenny says this is the first time she's ever been dumped, which seems doubtful since she's single and on a reality show trying to hook a husband. Good luck though.

We close with a clip of Kendall introducing Arie to one of the animals in her taxidermy collection. It's a seal named Mugatu. "He's kinda janky because he's vintage." I expected to be weirded out by her taxidermy collection, but this is actually super interesting to me and I wonder if she's named all her animals and if she's created personality traits for all of them.

So yeah, if I'm Arie, I'm giving her a one on one date next week.