Showing posts with label Bros being Bros. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bros being Bros. Show all posts

Sunday, July 7, 2013

A Twittering of a Bachelor Party for the Bros

This weekend was my brother Colin's bachelor party.  Being that I didn't know many of the guys going, and being one of only two married guys on the trip and the only person who didn't drink, I was slightly apprehensive going into the weekend.  Would I have fun?  Would the fact that I didn't drink and had a wife to answer to at home bring down the overall enthusiasm of the rest of group?  I wasn't sure, but I figured my contribution would be to drive the RV so the rest of them could drink to their livers content and not worry about driving home.  The plan was to spend the 4th of July at Gearhart beach and then take an RV over to a cabin near Odell Lake in Central Oregon the rest of the weekend. Below are some tweets from the weekend, which we tagged #allthebros









This was no joke....the grass and sand in the backyard of this house was ablaze after people got impatient lighting briquettes.  I actually had someone hand me a couple of red solo cups and say "hey buddy, if you've got extra hands, we've got a fire out back and we could use all the water you can carry."  I'm not sure what my 24 ounces of water was going to do, but he certainly seemed to think it would make all the difference.






That was pretty much the standard Bro attire for this beach party.











I don't know if any of you have ever been to Gearhart for the 4th of July, but it's insane.  People everywhere.  There's cars parked on the beach, and everyone brings an insane amount of illegal fireworks.  There's groups of people ever 50-60 feet or so setting off fireworks in the dark.  On the beach.  Many of these fireworks need to be anchored so they can launch into the air.  When you're drunk and lighting fireworks with either a lighter or, in the case one particularly drunk bro, a campfire in the middle of dozens of people, you don't have time to anchor your firework properly.  This led to fireworks tipping over on the their sides or firing off a low angles directly over people's heads.  I saw one guy light a firework no more than five feet from a group of people walking back to their car who had no idea he was there.  You know, because it's pitch black and he's wearing dark clothing.  While lighting fireworks.  It's the most unsafe situation you can imagine.  It's miraculous that nobody got hurt.













Like I said, it was scary.  It got increasingly scarier as the night wore on.






The aftermath of the beach party.





I am not an experienced bro partier.  I brought a sleeping bag, but no tent and no headrest.  I had to bum a spot in a tent and hijack a "pillow" from Grant's car.





Now the real bachelor party began.  We shed some of the excess bros and got down to a core group of 10 or 12 guys and headed for Odell Lake....well sort of.





After about seven very disorganized conversations, we decided to meet up with a few guys who were driving separately in Portland, with the idea of swinging by the Warm Springs casino on our way before hitting Bend and then rolling down to Odell Lake.  Once we met up with them, we finally realized that they didn't want to go to the casino and Bend on the way, because then they wouldn't be able to drink all night.  So we then headed right back down I-5 South.  It was about an hour detour that never needed to happen.





This tweet is EXACTLY what the 3 hour drive to Odell Lake was like, and really is how you could sum up the entire weekend in 140 characters or less.





This house was AWESOME.  The garage had a separate apartment above it, complete with fridge and dishwasher.  The view off the back deck was spectacular.  I was pretty jealous that I didn't have access to a house like this all the time.





It was closer to an hour and a half.  I haven't done something like that in over a decade.  I was struggling.





I believe her actual quote was "I've been riding dirt bikes my whole life," but you get the idea.  Yes, we ended up at a "gentleman's club" in Bend.  It was the third time in my life I've been to one of these houses of ill repute, and probably my last.  It was entertaining, but in all the wrong ways.  I found a comfortable spot on a couch in a corner and tried to keep to myself, but it's impossible in a place like that where the ladies are doing their best to separate your money from your wallet.  One thing I learned is that I'm horrible at talking to strippers.  I tried to talk to them like actual people, but they're like actors who refuse to break character.  One girl came over to me and said "you know that dream everyone has where they're naked in front of a group of people in public?  It's funny, I don't have that dream anymore!"  I was dumbfounded.  Like what do you say to that?  I mumbled something about how it probably feels less weird with every day, and she got the hint that I wasn't interested in talking about her disrobing anymore, she quickly moved on.  Later on in the night, another girl comes over and starts chatting with us.  She said something about asking her anything, because she always tells the truth.  I said something about that being an admirable quality, and she says "well, when I used to be a really good liar, but when I was ten I got caught telling a lie and my daddy disciplined me real good, and I haven't lied since.  I don't know if she was telling the truth or lying, but either way, it was one of the creepiest things I've ever heard.  I think she intended it to be sexy, since I got the impression that everything they do is supposed to be sexy.  It was anything but.  She went by the name Vixen, and was impressed that I knew the definition of "Vixen."  This led to me telling her that I knew what a vixen was because it was the name of the girl fox in "The Fox and the Hound."  Like I said, I suck at talking to strippers.  She seemed totally flummoxed as to what to do with me, but I think maybe she hung around because I wasn't trying to talk her into taking her clothes off and was happy for the break.  She then started talking about how she was divorced and had two kids, so I gave her a few bucks just because I felt like I had to (for the kids!) and that was that.  Time for the long ride home.





The next day we had rented a pontoon boat on Odell Lake.  We, naturally, weren't moving too fast in the morning and didn't get out to the lake until about noon.  The weight limit on the boat was 1800 pounds or 13 people.  We had 13 people, but probably closer to 2500 pounds.  Also, it was super windy, which was really whipping the water around.  While driving out to a good spot to hang out on the lake, the surf was so bad we had to basically zig zag across the lake, because driving straight out would've sunk the boat with all the water coming over the sides.  Fortunately, the wind died down and we had a pretty good time just hanging out and swimming on the lake for about six hours.  I'm not sure the same could be said for the local wildlife:




One guy brought Navy Seal Firecrackers, which are basically tiny explosives that will still explode underwater.  This was entertaining for about three crackers, but after that it lost its allure to me.  Not everyone got bored with it though.  There were probably fifty to sixty of these things detonated over the course of the day, most followed by at least one person giggling or going "Whooo!"





This sounds pretty vulgar (and it is) but it's something of an inside joke amongst these guys, and doesn't involve any actual "plucking of chicks" or expectation of future "plucking."  Still, it must've sounded pretty awful to other people on the lake, especially considering that there was only one girl on our boat with twelve guys.  AWKWARD.





I wrote that at about 10:30 last night, and I was under the impression that everyone was exhausted and would be going to bed soon.  I've never seen Pandora streaming radio used to the extent it was this weekend, and I probably heard the same twenty songs or so on loop for 72 straight hours.  That's probably fine when you're intoxicated most of the time, but when you're sober, it gets old.  Also, I was wrong about the party winding down.








They went hard until about 3:30 am.





This was my nickname for the weekend.  I was dubbed "MVP" because, as one guy put it "I'm pretty sure someone would've crashed the RV or been arrested had you not been here."  In all, I was pretty impressed with the way these guys, most of whom had never met me, made it a point to thank me multiple times for doing all the driving.  I appreciated it, and actually had a lot more fun that I thought I would going into the weekend.  These bros were alright in my book.





I was actually having a conversation with one bro, and he fell asleep right in the middle of it.























The drive back was much more low key than the drive over.  The music was a little quieter, the dice game a little more reserved, and even the traffic was surprisingly light.  I think these are all signs of a super successful bachelor party weekend.  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try to sleep for about 10 hours before going to work tomorrow.












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Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Bachelorette Week 2 - That's a (bad) Rap!

Welcome back y'all.  Let's hope we get into the bro-drama early.  Is anyone else alarmed by the huge amount of meatheads on this season?  Did Des say she wanted the most caveman-like dudes ever?

Chris Harrison is here to humblebrag about his house (will this work for you guys?) and to explain how the dates work just in case these guys have never seen the show before.  Up first is Brooks who is so excited he's giving "arm pumps" and doing "the Rocky Balboa."  I dislike him already.  He says "Des is a big ball of mystery to me."  That's good, given that he's never been on a date with her.  When talking with the guys, he also says he is "actually excited" to go on the date, and one of the guys chimes in "you do seem to be be pretty positive about this."  Call me crazy, but if you're about to go on a first date where Walt Disney is picking up the tab and all you know about the girl is that she's super attractive and desperate for a relationship, shouldn't you be pretty amped about the prospects for the night?  Is there an alternative?  "I dunno guys, maybe I shouldn't have auditioned for the show...I'm kinda bummed now that I'm living in this mansion stocked with free booze where I spend my days hanging by a pool and my nights going on incredible dates with a hottie....this is going to suck!"

Des is "hopeful" that her husband is in the group.  Des shows up in her Bentley and Shirtless Zak is "knocked off his seat" by her beauty.  I will say that it looks like Des has been hitting the gym since her stint on the Bachelor.  Maybe she was always that fit, but either she dressed in baggier clothes or the fact that we no longer have her enormous bangs to stare at made me notice her physique a little more this season.  In any event - well done Des!

Single Daddy Ben gives a glimpse of the D-bag we've been led to believe he is when he whines "I didn't want to see Brooks go on this date...I mean, he's nice and genuine, but he's not me."  I'm assuming he means that he wants to go on the date, but maybe he's alluding to the fact that he is neither nice nor genuine. 

Des says that this date is going to be a slice of her life....so they're off to a bridal shop to play dress up.  Des picks out a wedding dress, Brooks picks out the Dumb and Dumber special - a lime green getup.  I have many pet peeves about this show, but one of them is how it always goes for the obvious laugh.  "Oh, I know what I'll do...I'll find the ugliest tux in here and wear it!  She'll see how quirky I am!"  Brooks is smitten with Des.  "Des is beautiful, I think that's because of who she is...she could literally wear any dress in the store!"  I'm not sure how her inner beauty relates to her ability to wear a dress, but OK. 

Off they go in stolen wedding attire!  They stop at what looks like a mobile cake truck, and apparently there's 47 people who watch the bachelorette that just happen to also want cake, because Des is immediately surrounded by women in their late 20s and 30s who are freaking out like it's a Michael Jackson concert.  I've never really understood the freaking out over meeting a celebrity if you're over the age of say 17.  Yes, it's cool.  If I happened to be walking down the street to my favorite mobile cake truck and ran into Des, I'd probably be fairly excited, given that the Bachelor/ette consumes a sizable chunk of my free time.  Yes, I'd probably ask for a picture.  But that'd be it.  There'd be none of this "I just hit a half court shot to win the championship" celebration.

Time to drive to the top of a hill - and not just any hill...the Hollywood Sign hill.  Des says the reason they get to do this because "it's the 90th anniversary of the sign and normally people don't get access to the sign."  So then why did Ali get to take Frank to the Hollywood sign a few years back?  Was that the 87th anniversary of the sign?  Furthermore, I'm pretty sure if I showed up down in Hollywood this weekend and try to walk up to the sign and say "hey, I'm here for the 90th birthday party for the sign.  I just want to hang out on the L for a while."  I'd probably get told to leave in some strong language. 

Brooks says he loves being "above the clouds."  Somebody tell this guy about smog, OK?  That hill's not THAT high.  Des says the sign symbolizes everyone coming to California to pursue their dreams. I guess I can see that....the Hollywood sign is essentially the Statue of Liberty for people who are destined to become porn stars or waitresses (or both). 

Moving on to the dinner portion of our amazing date and they're either eating at some abandoned warehouse or Des is lost.  Seriously, the neighborhood they're in is looking rough.  I'd suggest they lock the doors on the car and roll through all the stop signs, but of course they're driving a convertible  Bentley.  That car costs more than my house.  So, of course, Des comes to a complete stop at a roadblock and then exits the vehicle.  I thought she had more sense than that.  Brooks looks slightly less sure of Des's plan to exit the vehicle and cruise right on through the road block.  At this point I realized that Des is probably in on some sort of prank.  Yep..it's a blocked off bridge for a date!  Because nothing says romance like eating in the middle of an overpass.  When did this become a thing?  On top of a building I get.  Picnic in the park, OK.  But a freaking bridge?  Unless it's the Golden Gate, I say pass. 

As is customary, talk turns a little more serious at dinner.  Des talks about how her parents are her guiding light for love, then flips it on Brooks and asks how his divorced parents shape his views on marriage.  Brooks gets crazy flustered, and says "well, I don't really share this with a lot of people."  Turns out Brooks went six years without talking to his dad.  There's no real explanation as to why.  Brooks wants to make sure that doesn't happen to him in his marriage.  Basically Brooks parents taught him that he doesn't want to get divorced.  Good to know.  He then says today has been an "emotional roller coaster" for him.  Because she asked one question about your parents?  Yikes Brooks.  He earns the rose, because he told Des his "stories."  She also said he was vulnerable.  I'm not sure what that means.  Brooks says that this is the kind of date guys wish they could give girls and girls wish their guys would do for them.  Yes, because every girl hopes to date a guy with ABC's budget. 

Date's over right?  Nope...there's music rolling in from the darkness.  Private concert time!  What random singer that you've never heard of is it this time?  Andy Grammer and his band!  Who is Andy Grammer?  Well he sings that "keep your head up" song that once made it all the way to #53 on the charts!  He's not even a Top 40 guy!  Casey Kasem would've made this guy tie his shoes if he saw him on the street.  The last official stop on your trip to irrelevance is a private concert on the Bachelor/ette. 

Case in point, it's group date time with one hit wonder Soulja Boy Tell'em!  As one of my coworkers put it - "He's still alive??"  Yup, and he's a horrible coach.  I don't think he offered the guys one constructive piece of advice during the entire episode.  Furthermore, I don't think ABC even played any of his music.  We're making a rap video.  Soulja Boy (whose real name is DeAndre Cortez Way - Which is way better than Soulja Boy BTW) has them freestyle a little bit, and it doesn't go well at all.  These guys are terrible.  Also, I need to apologize to Soulja Boy - he's a two hit wonder.  While he's mostly known for "Crank That" of his debut album souljaboytellem.com - which was number one for an incredible seven weeks despite only having roughly seven words in the entire song - he also had a less acclaimed but much more listenable song "Kiss Me Through the Phone" off his 2008 album iSouljaBoyTellEm.  And yes, his album names are idiotic.  Don't be surprised if his next album is called #souljaboytellem.  Which brings me to this week's edition of:

Andy Lasselle's Advice for the next Soulja Boy Tell'em
When releasing an album, DO NOT just throw any title on your album.  You gain nothing by doing this.  As an artist, you already have fans.  Those people are going to buy your album regardless.  People like Jay-Z and Dr. Dre and Billy Joel and Justin Bieber can do this, because they're household names already and will sell bajillions of records regardless.  You know who won't sell bajillions of records on name recognition alone?  Soulja Boy!!  If you've already released seven multi platinum albums, go ahead and name the next one VIII or The Black Album or something.  If not, name it something that will make people at least pick it up if they have no idea who you are.  Jay-Z's first album was "Reasonable Doubt" and contains exactly one song that I've heard before.  Once he'd released a bunch of hits, then he started getting generic with his album names - His latest was The Blueprint Vol. 3 which gives you an idea that he's so rich he could name his album "Jay-Z Raps" and not care at all.  So don't throw a .com or an "i" or a hashtag on your Album Name.  Either name it after something that announces to the world who you are or what you're about (For instance, I think the name "Pit Bulls and Pole Dancers" would merit at least a few impulse buys) or at the very least name it after your biggest single.  But iYourName is stupid, and it will make me LESS likely to buy your crummy rap album.

Back to the dates, and Ben is first up on alone time.  He's already taking the antagonist stance of "I'm on this group date by myself and there's a bunch of other dudes watching me on my date with Des."  This is the battle cry of the most hated person on the show every time (see Robertson, Courtney and LiCausi, Tierra for examples).  I'm pretty sure that none of these guys even practiced the rapping.  Des says it's good that Soulja Boy is there to guide things.  The only advice he gives is "you got to get more into it.  It sounds like you're reading a poem."  Well there we go.  At least his choreographer taught me the "flip the burgers" move which I plan on debuting at my brother's wedding in August.  Before we go too much further into this disaster of a date, here's the whole music video for you:


Brandon got the enviable task of wearing a speedo, which ABC went to great lengths to block out with a strange black bar.  Wasn't this the same network that brought us NYPD Blue, which made headlines for showing naked backsides like twenty years ago?  So basically they went out of their way to block off his butt....which seems like a waste of money.  Not that I wanted to see his butt....errr.....really backed myself into a corner here.  Moving on.....

How is it that Des is the best rapper of the bunch?  A precocious doe eyed girl known for her down on the farm hairstyle (BANGS!) just a few months ago is now rocking a bikini and outrapping twelve guys who probably grew up listening to Nelly, Lil' Wayne and the like?  I'm not saying that these guys were terrible, but my brother made a whole rap CD with songs about me for Christmas one year, and it wasn't completely awful.  Oof.

Back on the group date, Zak gives her an antique diary that's "never been written in."  That's probably good, because what is she going to do with an antique diary that has someone else's thoughts in it?  Also, what's the chance that it was like those new jeans you pay $87 for that have a hole in the knee and look "vintage" - as in it looks like your grandpa wore them on the farm while tilling the cornfield back in the drought of '57.  He probably bought it at Ikea or Pottery Barn or something.

Mikey and his five o'clock shadow are interrupted by Single Dad Ben, who proceeds to talk about how much he misses his son and how he knows it's a big step starting a relationship with someone who is a parent...and asks her if she has any questions for him.  Seems like a logical thing to say, but Des is like "nope, I'm cool with it."  I'm not sure what she was supposed to ask...like did he want to know if she thought his son was going to call her "Mommy" or what.  He quickly changes the subject to kissing, using the cowboy hat he wore earlier as the reason he didn't make out with her earlier.  I'm sure it was the hat and not the 12 other dudes burning holes in his back with their judging eyes.

Michael the Miami Lawyer also has something on his mind...and it's respect.  Nobody disses his Nana on his watch!  He tells Des that he likes the guys, but he'll narc on them in a second if he thinks they're dissing Des.  Meanwhile 5 o'clock shadow Mikey is starting to feel like Ben is not a good guy.  He calls him over to tell him he's kind of miffed at the way he's going about things, and Ben responds with a "thanks for the heads up" but doesn't really apologize, instead complimenting Mikey on his shoes.  Mikey seems strangely distracted by this and smiles and claps him on the back like they're cool again.  Very weird.

 Also not cool with Ben is my pre-show favorite - Motorcycle Brandon.  Brandon's a bit of a whiny dude - he somehow thinks that because Ben is making out with Des that he's not there for the right reasons.  He's not going to miss his chance to make an impression on Des, so after sitting forlornly in the dark by himself he unloads his sob story about how his dad split and his mom was a drug addict and he raised his siblings instead of going to school and that's why he's not a millionaire.  Then he gets really weird and starts gushing "I just want to come home to you and love you...." wow.  Coming on a little strong here Brandon.  You're not doing yourself any favors.  In a strange twist, after coming on strong with Des, he tries to backtrack by saying that he is "falling in like" with Des way faster than he thought.  I used to fall in like with girls in line at 7-11, so I'm not sure how he's moving too fast on the "like" train.

Back in front of the entire group, Des announces that the rose is going to the guy who opened up to her and really used his one-on-one time to the fullest extent - Single Dad Ben!  He asked her if she had any questions about dating a parent, and then he made out with her.  Very efficient use of time.

Bryden gets our second solo date.  The guys razz him when she honks the horn for him, and then somebody makes the comment that "even though he wouldn't be driving, he wishes he was in the car." I can't tell if he is upset that he's not with Des or that he's not with the car.

The date is a road trip, and Des is excited to show Bryden California.  Bryden seems like a bit of a puppy dog, getting super excited about picking up SmartFood popcorn at the supermarket.  I get the sense that he didn't go on many dates back in Montana or when in Iraq on military duty.  He's super curious about everything.  The beach is awesome, the orange grove is "so cool," he's never had brie cheese in his life, and the spa "sounds perfect.!"  So he's a bit of a sheltered dude, I actually like the guy.  He doesn't seem to be full of himself or feel the need to establish dominance like some of the other guys Des has in her stable.  At dinner, Bryden gets to unload his sob story - He got in a bad car wreck and had 100 staples put in his head and shoulder.  You'd think that description would be enough to illustrate the point, but nope...he brought illustrations.  My favorite was the picture of him seemingly in a coma with a teddy bear.  He points out that his mom took that picture because she took care of him and nursed him back to health.  I love that he threw that in there....he's close with his mom because she didn't abandon him when he was in a life threatening car wreck.  This has taught him that life is short and you need to live it hour to hour or something.  He earns vital "life has taught him how to love" points from Desiree.

Des asks him about his future plans, and he starts talking about the past.  Clearly he doesn't have a good answer for this.  He starts talking about how he used the military as an excuse to not get close to people, and that he's not going to do that anymore.  Works for Des, she gives him the rose, commenting on how glad she is that he told her "his story."

Why does everyone have to have "a story?"  Are you not marriage material if you haven't had to overcome some sort of personal tragedy?  When I was ten years old, a friend of mine and her sister were killed by their mother before she turned the gun on herself.  It was sad and tragic and all that stuff, but do I think that it in any way affected my ability to love or shaped my outlook on life?  No, but if I were on the Bachelorette, I'd have to tell the girl that it did in order to show her that I was broken at one point in my life and now can accept love, which seems like a huge disservice to my friend and her sister.  Yet if I don't come forward with something like that, I get seen as a guy who "puts up walls" and isn't willing to "open up" about his past.  It's a crazy system.  Every guy should walk around with some sad piano music on an iPod for when he gets alone time.

Bryden then gets some quality hot tub time where he just keeps saying how "awesome" the date was.  Des clearly wants to be kissed and is sort of blown away that he's not picking up on the signals.  It probably has something to do with him looking at his hands in the water, but whatever.  Finally Des ends the madness by demanding he kiss her to which he says "I should?  I should just go for it?"  Good Lord he's sheltered.  However, he's not sheltered enough to not use an obscene amount of tongue on the kiss.  I get the feeling he practiced that kiss on a pillow once or twice....

Mercifully, it's time for the rose ceremony.  Michael needs to get something off his chest.  He has diabetes.  There!  It's out!  Phew, thank God he didn't hide that from her!  Before he can get too far into his story about how his blood sugar was 890, which means absolutely nothing to anyone who doesn't have diabetes, here comes Single Dad Ben again!

Ben gets his one on one time while the other guys talk about how much a douche he is.  Ben is a walking cliché, telling Des he just loves her smile and how he can't wait to see her again and blah blah blah.  He is also glad that he and Des share a secret: that only he knows how good of a kisser she is.  Jokes on him though - Brooks and Bryden also know, although I'm not sure that Bryden could tell much other than his tongue was definitely attacking something other than the back of his own teeth.

Miami Michael calls Ben aside to talk to him about his swooping problem, which basically is a bunch of lawyer speak.  He says "we're all here for Des and not to make friends, but you're not getting along with the guys like everyone else."  Can't have it both ways Michael.  He says he doesn't care if he makes friends with the other guys, yet gets angry at him for doing "unfriendly" things.  Mikey feels the need to inject himself in here, reiterating that "you got a rose, why don't you let my buddy here have a few moments with her?"  I'm confused, but then Ben offers the lame excuse that he didn't know he was interrupting a conversation and says "the other guys think I was being selfish, but I'm just doing what I need to do for me and Des."  Sounds pretty selfish to me man!

It was interesting to here the guys griping about how he hasn't brought his son up with them since the first night, yet has talked at length about his bar and his other business ventures.  RIGHT REASONS ALERT!

And now we're finally on to the rose ceremony.  Chris says that the drama that's already going down is "actually a good thing" because it shows how serious they are about this.  Translation:  "you guys are going to get people to watch this show with your bitchy tantrums."  I wish I could take pictures of these guys faces, because they all look like they're about to vomit.  Just awesome television.  They didn't even need any sound.  #RoseCeremonyFace!  Hashtagger gets a rose, despite not making a single Twitter reference the entire episode.  Also safe is Juan (Who? Juan.  Who Juan?  Juan Pablo!) Pablo, who also had a pretty uneventful episode.  Des did take the time to learn how to ask "will you accept this rose in Spanish though, so that's a good sign for ol' "Who Juan."  Not safe are Black Yoga Man, some scrawny dude who looks like Captain America BEFORE he gets the Super Soldier Serum named  Robert (who called his experience "a nightmare" and a completely forgettable fella named Nick who seems shocked that he's going home heartbroken.

On to next week, which features a lot of bro-drama and bad tank tops!  Can't wait!


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Monday, February 18, 2013

Bachelor - Your Family Will Ruin Your Fantasy

Welcome to the most highly anticipated episode of the Bachelor since....well since Tierra said she couldn't control her face.  I'm super excited to see this confrontation between Sean and Desiree's brother, but knowing ABC, they've shown us the tensest parts and it'll end with Sean earning the brother's acceptance.

AshLee gets the first date, and she's brought her teacup puppy!  His name is Bailey, but I'm willing to guess she spells it BayLee.  God I hate little dogs.  The dog is exhausted and AshLee needs to carry him - if she has a stroller for him, I'll lose it.  AshLee keeps calling Sean "this man" which is just awful.  She also says that she has fallen into love with him.  Then she says that she wants a person as amazing as her dad....which to me is just a creepy statement.  Sean gave some answer that was apparently the most perfect answer in the history of the world.  AshLee says it's the exact answer her dad would've given, and the creepy factor is off the charts.  She then gives a fist pump and kind of whisper-shouts "yayy!!! Let's meet my family."  Apparently you can't yell at the top of your lungs in a city of five million people like Houston.  Much easier on a deserted island where your exhausted dog is the only person that can hear you, eh honey?  Let's meet these foster parents already!

AshLee's been dreaming of the day she brings home a guy since she was 5 years old?  I'm super confused.  AshLee's dad is apparently the coach of the Kansas City Chiefs.  He looks EXACTLY like Andy Reid.






AshLee recaps the polar bear plunge and then proceeds to tell her parents that there was "a lot of romance" as they rolled around on the beach.  Her mama, who looks like a no-nonsense kinda lady, is not impressed.  I personally hope my daughter never tells me about her romps on the beach with men.  The mom then goes straight into the "what are your intentions for AshLee...do you plan on breaking her heart?"  Easiest question in the world to answer.  Not exactly the way to get at what you want to know AshLee's mom.

The Dad conversation goes pretty well.  I'm pretty impressed that Sean goes right into the "why did you let your daughter get married at 17?"  The dad's answer is a good one.  He said at the time he felt that AshLee might have made some even worse decisions if he'd said no, so he signed off on it.  Looking back, he would've done things differently.  I can respect that, even though my initial reaction was "you mean like NOT LETTING A HIGH SCHOOL JUNIOR GET MARRIED, ANDY REID?"  That was a worse decision than signing Michael Vick, buddy.  Dad starts crying talking about how much he loves AshLee and that makes her start crying.  It's kinda touching....I really respect foster/adoptive parents that care for their children as if they were their own flesh and blood.  That being said, I still think they raised a crazy woman whose outlook on life is such that she thinks dating a guy with three other girlfriends qualifies as "pixie dust sprinkled over everything."  Tinkerbell would kick your delusional ass, girl.

Off to Seattle for Catherine's date.  Apparently she's recovered from the shock of her girlfriend Lesley being voted off the island.  Their date starts at Pike Street Market - as all dates in Seattle start.  They'll probably end up at the original Starbucks and the Space Needle too.  We get to catch some fish - props to Catherine for one handing a fish!  That was impressive.  Maybe the best impression she's made on me thus far.  She's also straddled a giant piggy bank and danced a jig to a street vendor....she is a super fun person.  I want to be her friend.  Plus I want to hear more about the tree crushing a girl in front of her.

Catherine preps Sean to meet her family, including Graham Cracker, her Philippino Grandmother.  Apparently Sean's supposed to put her hand to his head as a sign of respect.  Sean's asks if she's going to give him her hand, and Catherine says "oh of course she will."  I get the sense that Graham Cracker got some coaching as well.

There's a lot of women in the room with Sean right now.  Three generations of women grilling him.  I can't imagine this is going to be super fun.  Catherine's impressed that he cooked with her mom and talked to her Grandma.....as if he was going to decline anything on this date.  I hate it when someone gets credit for something that obviously they're going to do.  It'd be like saying "he's so sweet, can you believe he walks his dog after working all day?"  If you're going to have a dog, you better f'ing walk it. But don't walk it til it's exhausted like AshLee.  That's too much.

Catherine's sisters remind me of the Siamese cats from Lady and the Tramp.  They just seem like they're out to ruin everyone's fun.  All they've done is crap on Catherine's feelings for Sean and then they kind of criticize Catherine's bad habits to Sean.  Not exactly the best wingmen.





 I get the sense they're almost jealous of the attention she's getting.  Mom also kinda rains on the parade when her mom says "we'll see" when he asks for a blessing.  I always love the parents of the women on the hometowns.  The guy always asks for a blessing, and they all basically say "if you love her, sure, but if you don't you need to cut her loose."  It's always such a hollow endorsement.  I can't blame the families...they've all watched the show, they know the bachelor is always "crazy" about umpteen women and that he's having the same conversations with three other girls families.  It always cracks me up...like what is Sean expecting to hear from these parents?  He seems disappointed and says that Catherine's sisters gave him information that makes him "question their relationship."  All they showed was the sisters saying she was kinda messy.  If leaving clothes on the floor was such a deal-breaker for Sean, don't you think he'd have brought this up with the ladies in the cocktail party on the first night?  I feel like there's an easy plan you can lay out for your time as the bachelor.  It goes something like this:

Step One - Identify absolute hard and fast limits.  If you hate smokers, ask them if they smoke on the first night.  If you can't handle someone who likes the movie Dirty Dancing, work it into a conversation the first night.  Then send them home.

Step Two - After the first night, you should have a fairly good idea of girls you really are interested in and girls you probably aren't.  Take girls you probably aren't interested in on solo dates in the first few weeks to confirm initial reactions.

Step Three - For the sake of television, identify one girl that you know the audience loves and one girl you know the audience hates.  Even though you have no intention of marrying either girl, keep them around long enough that you can put them on a two on one date and then kick off the sweet girl.  Watch mayhem ensue amongst the ladies and imagine what the reaction is going to be like on Twitter.  Keep crazy girl around as long as you can without killing her.  Ask ABC if they're willing to shoot you an extra $250K if you propose to her.

Step Four - Act like you're having a really tough time making a decision.  ABC basically set up this show so that you can be extremely vague about your true feelings to a bunch of attractive women, then let their minds run wild.  You can say something like "I always smile when I see you" and the woman will interpret that to mean you're in love with her because technically you can't tell her you're in love with her per ABC's rules.  So now you basically get to lead a bunch of attractive women on and make out with them while you actually have a relationship with the one or two girls you identified as marriage material on the first night.  Remind me again why any single guy wouldn't want to be the bachelor?  It's like getting a free pass to make out with a bunch of hot women in front of your girlfriend for "research purposes."

Step Five - Meet families, say the same thing to all of them, then break up with a girl.  Say you're just too different.  Girl blames her family because, well you just met them so they MUST be the reason.  Feel bad for a second, but hey, you've still got three smoking hot ladies to take to fantasy suites.  Feel better immediately.

Step Six - If you haven't already made a decision of who to propose to, do it now.  Introduce girls to your family.  Encourage one family member to be super hard on the girls (I'm looking at you, Grant.)  Tell your family which one you really like, then let them be the bad guys.  Break up with another girl.

Step Seven - Propose to one girl, even if you're not sure you want to marry either one.  If she says yes (and she will because she doesn't want to look like a cold hearted ice princess on national television) give it a shot.  If it works out, you got yourself a pretty attractive lady and probably some endorsement deals and appearance fees to collect.  If it doesn't work out, parlay that into a spin on Bachelor Pad where you get to make out with even more emotionally unstable attractive women with no repercussions.  Plus, you still get those appearance fees.  It's really a no lose situation.

Off to Major General Lindsey's house in small town Missouri.  Her town apparently thinks it's still WWII, because there's cannons and American flags everywhere.  There's even a jukebox in a tiny bar that I'm betting Lindsey has never set foot in before.  After a cute conversation about what to call Lindsey's dad (General? Mister?  Mark?  Hey you?) Sean gets the always comforting "I've never brought a guy I like home to my dad who has combat training, so good luck." Now it's time for Lindsey to take Sean to the cutest boot camp ever.  While I'm sure it was totally staged and directed by ABC, she made it pretty fun.  I'd pick Lindsey if I were Sean.  I realize she got a little tipsy the first night and went big with the wedding dress thing, but it was fun.  There's something to be said for fun drunk girls.  I love my wife.  She's fun all the time.  But she's like SUPER fun when she's drinking.  Can't knock a girl for getting a little goofy when she gets into the wine!

Apparently being a two star general is a big deal.  I have no clue how many two star generals there are in the Army....I know the more stars you have, the higher your rank.  But it's like saying you're a third degree black belt.  Do you know how many degrees of blackness there are in belts?  I don't.  I know it means you're good at karate, but I have no frame of reference for how good you really are.  Are you like one of the best in the world?

Lindsey's family seems pretty cool off the bat.  Her mom seems like she's the "best friend" mom.  All the other army girls probably loved going to sleepovers at Lindsey's house.  She probably was making the popcorn and leading games of "I never" while braiding the girls hair.  Mom approves, even applauding Sean for giving a non answer like "I can't comment on if I love your daughter or not."  Again Sean gets credit for being vague.  Gotta love being the Bachelor.

Now it's time to be interrogated by General Dad.  I love that Dad stands while Sean sits at the bar.  Let's just play up the "her dad's important" angle.  Sean asks for his blessing, and he gives the ABC mandated answer of "I'm going to act like I don't really understand the question so I'm going to repeat it, then talk in circles for about 45 seconds so that you think that I'm going to say no, but then I'm going to smile and shake your hand and say "of course you can marry my daughter!  See I'm not scary, military people can be cool too!"  Based on hometowns, Lindsey is definitely winning this episode.  And looking at the teasers for Sean vs. Desiree's brother, she's got this locked up.

Wait...there's a Sean special tomorrow?  There goes my hope of catching up on the DVR tomorrow night.  Damn you ABC....I was really hoping to finally watch "Sexting in Suburbia" which is in my top five lifetime movies based on name alone.

Off to LA for Sean vs. Desiree's family.  It starts with a hike in some god awful highlighter colored clothes (she's sporting a standard electric yellow tank top, He's wearing some 3/4 length bright pink board shorts.  LA fashion is weird.)  We're ending the solo date time early, so you know the family stuff is going to be good.  Des is talking stuff up, Sean's talking stuff up....and why is this the first time ever that family hasn't been at the house?  Oh.....it's because an ex-boyfriend has just showed up.  This boyfriend is the worst actor ever.  You can see him hyperventilating as he tries to act angry.  I'm still trying to figure out if ABC actually expects us to believe that this guy didn't know that Des had gone on The Bachelor and that he just happened to show up at her house the first night she's been back in five weeks.  Or maybe he's been driving by her house every night for five weeks waiting for her to come back, in which case I'd say there's a 50% chance he's got a chloroform soaked rag and some duct tape in his back pocket.  Oh wait Des is punking Sean!  Gotta admit, I fell for it, sort of.  A much better prank than the Art Gallery disaster he tried to pull on her on their first one on one date.  Des is thrilled that Sean was so protective of her.  Although if some guy walked in an put his hands on me, I'd probably get pretty testy too.  Sean's a good sport about the pranking, and says "this sets us up for a great night."  Famous last words....

Mom loves him, Dad loves him, Brother does not.  She says "he makes me happy."  Bro says "psssht.  Lots of guys could make you happy."  I love that he's got his sleeves rolled up to show off his completely random tattoos.  I love how he says "can I holla at you for a minute?" and Sean responds "yeah buddy!" These two aren't really acting like they don't like each other.  I'm convinced that they would hate each other under any circumstances.  They could be leads in some dance movie involving a girl either moving in or out of the inner city and falling for a guy from the wrong side of the tracks.

Des' brother tries to use big words like "reciprocation" to illustrate his displeasure.  He's like the definition of a "bro."  Sean calmly tries to explain his feelings, but then tells her brother "she loves all the affection I show her."  Not exactly what I'd want to hear some guy say about my sister.  "Actually dude, I'm all over her all the time, so there!"  Sean then says "my character and my integrity are number one to me."  Again, if you're the bro, don't you want to hear "your sister is number one to me?"  I'm really surprised Bro Nate didn't jump all over him on that one.  Now we're back to the awkward full family sit down.  Bro clearly runs the family.  He's used to popping off and not getting called on it.  The family tries to scold him, but it comes off as "Nate, you know you shouldn't have done that.  Would you like another piece of cake for dessert?"  Bro says he sees it ending badly for Des if she doesn't get picked.  Ya think, bro?  He clearly doesn't grasp that he's going to come out the villain in this scenario if Des doesn't make it out of this week.  He thinks it'll justify his actions.

Time for a deliberation with Chris Harrison and his fancy clothes that he designs.  Sean breaks it down right away, and guess what - the two girls he's torn between sending home are the two whose siblings weren't fully on board with the whole Bachelor love thing.  Catherine and Des will both end up blaming their families (see Step Five above).  Time for the roses.  Lindsey is wearing something that looks like a cross between a dinner dress and a Sports Illustrated swimsuit circa 1993.  She must be feeling confident to wear that baby.  Sean starts giving the girls his song and dance, but I don't even think he believes the words that are coming out of his mouth.

Des interrupts the deliberations to apologize for her brother and the tears start flowing.  Strong move by her.  He's shown preference for girls that have struggled emotionally throughout this process.  Takes a special kind of guy to tell a girl "it's alright, you have nothing to apologize for, everything's good" and then send her packing five minutes later.  Catherine's gripping, and she probably should be.  Sean's got his character and integrity to uphold after all.

After issuing roses to AshLee and Lindsey, Sean takes a lengthy pause, then puts the rose down and runs away like a scared little puppy.  He heads back into his little shrine room to stare at their pictures, because that's easier than looking the girls in the face.  What a punk move.  Chris Harrison comes in and commands him to "take as much time as he needs to get this right."  Which in Bachelor-speak means "we've only got about two more hours before the sun comes up, so hurry up or we're going to lose the lighting we need for this shot."  I love the idea that the answer is just going to come to him in the next few hours without spending any more time with either of the girls.  What's going to change...what is going to provide him with the clarity he apparently craves?  After staring into the pictures for a few more seconds, he admits that he was going to send Des home, and now he's having second thoughts because of her teary apology.  It was a good move, but Sean countered with a good move of taking a few extra moments to make it look like he was having a really tough time deciding, before doing what he was planning on doing all along despite Chris Harrison's speech to the girls about Sean having "no idea" what he was going to do.

Sean then walks her out and offers the WORST breakup speech ever.  "You have every quality I'm looking for, and I think I'm going to wake up tomorrow and realize I made a huge mistake." This is worse than when Emily sent him home and then asked him what he was thinking and started crying and made him console her.  Des tells him he's right, he is making a mistake and then cries her butt off.  In the limo, she actually says "I don't know what I'm going to do with my life" and "all I want to do is make someone else happy."  That's a byproduct of a good relationship, not a reason for a good relationship.  I'll bet she regretted saying that when she saw it on film.  At least I hope she did.

Alright we get more Tierra tomorrow night.  See y'all then!


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