Bachelorette Episode 9 - Crisis in Killarney

It's a rare thing this season indeed when I get to watch the Bachelorette on the night it airs, so hopefully I'm rewarded with an episode worthy of a semi-live blog.

We start with Kaitlyn walking around a lake (loch?) and telling us how stressful it was letting Chris go and also dealing with the consequences of her decision to let Nick explore her Cave of Wonders (Aladdin reference).  The first date card comes as three of the guys (Ben H., Shawn, and Nick) hilariously sharing a loveseat and looking super uncomfortable.  Ben H. gets the solo date, leaving Nick and Shawn on the loveseat.  Shawn moves over, but strangely puts his arm across the back of the loveseat behind Nick, like he's about to go in for "the movie-move."

The date begins with a romantic rowboat ride to an island in Ireland.  You can almost feel the romance in the air as Ben H. says "I just love to walk around these things and think of...the Vikings." The Vikings?  Not leprechauns?  Vikings?  Kaitlyn clearly isn't on a romantic vibe either as she replies "that's bad ass."  In keeping with the anti-romance vibe of this date, they play a game of hide and seek, where Kaitlyn decides the best place to hide is in a corner like it's the Blair Witch Project or something:

Can you see me?

When they get down to the brass tacks of relationships, Kaitlyn admits that she's hard to deal with sometimes, and she wants someone who won't give up on her.  When Ben says "I didn't realize that was even an option!"  I half expected Kaitlyn to say "good, because I f*cked Nick last week, but I swear it didn't mean anything."  Instead, they kiss as Kaitlyn tells us that when they're talking and kissing "it feels good."  I'm guessing it'd feel pretty good to kiss Hope Solo, but that doesn't mean that  I should consider a relationship based on that.

Ben then says that his biggest fear is that he might not be loved back or be lovable.  Of course that's your biggest fear.  If in a relationship your biggest fear isn't that the person you love doesn't feel the same way about you, then there's something wrong.  What else would your biggest fear be?  That she's an axe murderer? That her parents will be Scientologists?  Kaitlyn lets him know that he's definitely lovable (like a teddy bear.) He says "I can't wait to talk all night," and Kaitlyn immediately feels like "yo this guy might be a virgin."  She's all bent out of shape because she had sex with Nick because he was all over her on their date, and this guy says the opposite, and she's all of a sudden "wait this dude only wants to TALK?  He must be a virgin!"  

Ben says he's not, but he's glad he comes off that way.  Does that not sound like something a serial rapist would say?  Kaitlyn is super relieved that he's not a virgin, then asks him to tell her about the time he lost his virginity.  This girl straight up sucks at romance.  In fact, she sucks at relationships.  She's funny, beautiful, and seems to be at least somewhat intelligent, but she is awful at this.  In no way is she ready for marriage.  Whomever proposes to her, I hope they're ready to be sitting on opposites sides of the couch at After the Final Rose.

Group date time with Shawn, Nick, and Joe.  The "lucky" guy who gets a rose on this date gets the golden ticket to the fantasy suites.  Shawn gets the first solo time on the date, and they lament the fact that they didn't kiss last week.  So, when you spend your time talking instead of kissing, things didn't go so well?  Well rather than figure out why that is, let's just kiss some more!  Kaitlyn knows that she needs to talk to him about having sex with Nick, but it's just so much more fun to kiss...so she avoids it until Nick saves her by stealing her away.

Kaitlyn then decides to talk to Nick, asking him how he feels about having sex with her.  This might be the biggest softball question of all time.  She clearly wants to only have good conversations with people.  She laughs, relieved that he enjoyed humping her, and then proceeds to say that she feels somewhat guilty, although she's "a grown woman who can do what she wants."  Ok, Cartman:

Shawn tries to pressure Joe into breaking up their alone time, but Joe's a sissy and realizes that she likes Nick and Shawn way more than she likes him, and decides he'd rather just sit on a bench outside an Irish castle than hang out with Kaitlyn and tells Shawn "nah, I'm good."  Kaitlyn then decides not to let him sit this out, and forces him off his bench.  Not wanting to waste alone time with a sure thing, Joe makes out with her practically while she's mid-sentence.  Nice plan, Joe.  Get your parting gift on your way out.

Kaitlyn then compliments him on being "brutally honest" with her, and she says that she owes it to him to be "brutally honest" with him.  Somehow, him being brutally honest involves him telling her how great she is, but her brutal honesty involves her telling him she doesn't like him as much as he likes her.  He says "it's cool" but won't look at her.  She says "well just because I'm sending you home doesn't mean I didn't think you were kinda hot when we were making out last week" or something along those lines.  She tries to hug him, but he's like "thanks for dumping me on a bench, I like sitting on benches."  

Kaitlyn returns to the guys, tells them she dumped Joe and that it was really hard, but in the grand scheme of things, it might be then push she needed to finally start actually talking to people rather than just making out and pretending that her own personal booze cruise is going to last forever.  She tells Nick that they're cool, but he needs to go home, because she's got some things she needs to discuss with Shawn.  Shawn's super excited, but only because he doesn't realize that one of those "things" he needs to talk about with her is Nick's penis.

They spend some time laughing on a couch, rubbing each others legs while drinking oversized glasses of alcohol.  Their conversation goes something like this (my interpretation of what Kaitlyn says will be in bold.)

Shawn:  Are you nervous?

Kaitlyn:  Laughs hysterically (YUP)

Shawn: Whatever it is, you can tell me

Kaitlyn:  Well, I just want to be honest with you, because I know how important trust is to you (Just remember you brought this on yourself, Shawn, what with all your 'be honest with me' mumbo jumbo)

Shawn:  Whatever it is, you can tell me

Kaitlyn: I haven't told anyone else this, but I felt like I needed to tell you (You're so gonna hate this, but your reaction will be super awesome for the cameras)

Shawn: Uhhhhh....(it's slowly dawning on him that this isn't going to be a happy conversation)

Kaitlyn:  On my date with Nick, he came back to my hotel room (you don't need to know it's because I invited him) and things went a little too far (hoping you think that he forced himself on me) and we had sex (cue Lonely Island and Akon)

Shawn: (pauses for an uncomfortably long time) Do you regret it?

Kaitlyn:  I felt guilt and I didn't expect that to happen (Nope), but when I woke up in the morning, I thought about what it would do to our relationship (I was hoping you'd want to even up the score so to speak)

Shawn: Why are you telling me this?

Kaitlyn: I felt like it was the right thing to do. (ABC made me)

Shawn then excuses himself from the table.  He's hiding in the bathroom, but we are treated to his voice telling us that he's "so tense right now he can't even piss."  Well that's classy.  Shawn comes back and seems a bit more relaxed (maybe he figured out how to pee again?"  Then he incredibly thanked her for telling him, and says "you know how I feel about that guy, but I'm gonna fight through this."  Kaitlyn then asks him if he thinks that this going to be worth it at the end.  I can't be certain, but I think she basically just told him that any guy that wants to be with her has to be ok with her having sex with other guys while not having sex with him.  Shawn, because he's an idiot, agrees.  Glad we're all on the same page.  Hang in there Shawn....you're the prince of this fairy tale, but first the princess is gonna have sex with all the other frogs to make sure they're really just frogs. 

Shawn comes back and says "It went great" and Nick is not cool with Shawn going to bed feeling confident, so he throws out there that "he feels great" about his time, while subtly reminding Shawn that she had a perfect opportunity to offer him a rose, but didn't give it to him.

Heading into the rose ceremony, Shawn is contemplating heading home because the more he thinks about it, the more he's not OK with her having sex with Nick.  He needs to talk to Kaitlyn about these things before the ceremony.  That's usually Chris Harrison's cue to tell the guys that the Bachelorette is forgoing cocktail party time to dole out roses, and tonight is no exception.  Kaitlyn then tells the guys that it's "shocking" to her to be there with only four "beautiful faces" looking back at her - another indication that she's wishing she still had twenty guys to wine and dine her and make out with.  Instead, she's cutting one guy loose so she can hump the other three.  Nick should be worried, because he's already been down that road, and Kaitlyn seems like the kind of girl that's not going to climb the same mountain twice, when there's three other mountains there that she hasn't dug her crampons into.  

Shawn gets offered the first rose, but he's like "yo we need to talk."  He basically says "you told me I was the one, I told you I hated Nick, you spent "off-camera time" with Nick, and I'm just wondering why you think that's a good idea."  Kaitlyn starts off a little rough saying "I'm here to explore other relationships" but then gets down to business saying "I shouldn't have told you that you were the one, because even if I felt it at the time, I still wanted to make sure.  But rest assured, that when this process is over, there will be no more exploring."  She then accuses Shawn of not trusting her, which makes sense because she basically did the one thing that could hurt him the most on this show and then told him AND ONLY HIM about it.  Nonetheless, when she offers him the rose again, he says "absolutely" as if there was no chance he was going to say no.  Maybe this was a power play to make Nick sweat a little bit.  

Ben the virgin serial rapist gets a rose, leaving it down to rat-faced Jared and Nick.  Jared gets sent home, which of course is a bummer because he seems like the best guy out of the remaining four, and maybe he was the best out of all the guys this season.  Because he's an idiot, he offers her his coat and then tells her it's OK that she just sent him home for a guy who apparently exudes no sex appeal whatsoever, a smarmy guy with bad sweaters who relishes making other people uncomfortable, and another guy who has turned this into a personal battle to beat the smarmy bad sweater dude (whose name he won't even say anymore) rather than having it be about love.

Kaitlyn is now sobbing because Jared is gone.  She then basically admits that she sent him home because he wasn't outwardly telling her how awesome she was enough.  

Nick gets the first fantasy date which are apparently called "overnights" when they're not in a tropical location.  They wander into a church, and Nick tells her about how he "grew up in the church" and how his parents met at church and then he tells some story that sounds made up about how a four year old walked up to his dad and said  "you're going to marry that girl."  I don't believe that for a second, because I've been around four year olds, and they all think that people marry their sisters or cousins.  Anyways, they spend the day in an Irish pub talking to a couple of old Irish guys about what the secret of marriage is.  I repeat, they asked a couple of guys in their sixties who spend their afternoons in the bar without their wives what the secret of marriage was. 

Shawn continues to blame Nick for stealing Kaitlyn away like she's got not choice or free-will in the matter.  You can almost see his biceps getting bigger just thinking about it.  Nick then says that he "wants to connect with Kaitlyn on every possible level there is to connect with another person" which is one of those things that people say that sound really sweet, but when you actually think about it make absolutely no sense.  

Nick then goes insane.  Rather than playing it cool and keeping the focus on her, he instead figures that now would be the perfect time to try to bury Shawn.  Such a stupid move.  He could've just laid back, kept talking about connecting on a subatomic level and making her the center of his universe, and yet he decides to talk about Shawn and make some reference to him bragging about having sex with a girl who went on to have sex with a country singer later that night.  Kaitlyn then seems to be a little chafed at the direction of this conversation and kind of bites back at Nick, asking him why everyone says he's bad news, but he's the only one saying anything about Shawn.  Nick is now backpedalling, talking about how "it's weird that the guys all love Shawn and seem to be ok with him winning."  Who are all these guys?  There's only one other guy left, and he's super sweet and sensitive and his a questionable virgin.

Kaitlyn then shrugs all this off like.....well like this:

"So that was a really terrible conversation that totally killed the vibe, but I'm still DTF if you are, ya?"

After a semi funny prank where Kaitlyn pretends they're having their fantasy night in a jail cell, but then they head off to the real hotel and spend their night apparently talking and eating ham.   Are they just pretending they didn't have sex, or does it not really matter at this point?

I'll tell you who it does matter to - SHAWN.  He's about to go Incredible Hulk on Nick.  Of course he calls the hotel and is able to just ask for Nick's room number and of course they give it to him.  I'll give Shawn this - at least he didn't try to come up with a lame gambit to get the room number like Nick did with Andi on his last run on the Bachelorette.  

Shawn gets the room number and goes over to tell Nick he hates him to his face.  Nick says "that's cool, I hate you too." They then proceed to basically talk over each other and I think it's the most annoying way to end a show ever. 

Then we get to see Britt and Brady holding hands and talking about how hard it is to have a long distance relationship, and I have to cut and paste the end of the last paragraph, because I think it's the most annoying way to end a show ever.

Bachelorette Episode 3: Villains Gotta Vill

Circumstances being what they are, I had to delay watching all three episodes of the Bachelorette until today (Tuesday, May 26th).  I'd never recommend binge watching this show.  I'm about to claw my eyes out, but I don't want to end up in this situation ever again, so I'm powering through my fourth hour of this show tonight.  Thank god for DVR and skipped commercials, or I'd never make it. As a result, there are far less in depth observations or links/.gifs included in the blog, but I intend to start beefing up the content again next week, so thanks for sticking with me.

Kaitlyn's ready to go, and tells us about forty bazillion times that she's REALLY excited to be the Bachelorette.  She has a talk with Harrison where she basically says "you know what?  When Soules kissed a girl on the first night, we were all shocked, but I get it now.  I'm gonna really whore it up from here on."  The guys are starting off the day with mimosas and bloody mary's, so this will probably go well.

Now we smash cut straight to Britt, who's probably glad that one dude gave her the Kleenex about now, amirite?  She's crying and telling her mom the guys didn't love her, but fear not, because AT THIS EXACT MOMENT, Brady is right outside her hotel room door!  A strong move by him, that may just work out better than a normal Bachelor/ette romance because they're on their own, pretty much off camera and they don't have to hide their relationship at all from the public.  I could see them working out, because Brady will tell Britt all the things she wants/needs to hear, and Britt just needs someone to tell her how pretty she is on the inside and out.

Group date time, and the guys are getting to punch the crap out of each other with Laila Ali!  How many times do you think these guys talk about how much they love her dad?  And how many of them actually have seen her dad fight?  I'll be honest, I've never watched a Muhammad Ali fight.  I saw the movie with Will Smith, and I've seen a few highlights, but come on.  Kupah immediately says she's a big deal because of her dad, not because of her own boxing career.

Some of these guys have some decent punches and look decent, others look like I can imagine I would in a ring.  Corey talks about how good Kaitlyn is at jumping rope, and then they show her jumping like a person who has maybe jumped six times in their life.  She's barely better than a toddler, but at least she can get both feet off the ground at the same time.  (I love watching toddlers try to learn to jump.)

Kaitlyn is concerned that Kupah is not really into her.  He's probably not.  He's probably more into impressing Laila Ali in some crazy fantasy scenario he's concocted where Laila is so impressed with his determination and devotion to boxing that she invites him to meet her dad.  Good luck Kupah, but my guess is the first thing Muhammad Ali would say to you is "what kind of freaking name is Kupah?  Has Mario hit you with a banana peel out in MooMoo Meadows lately?"

Time for the boxing "matches" and why are they fighting in a run down industrial district?  And where did all these people come from?  Did they bus these people in from the suburbs?  The first match is Ben Z. vs. Daniel, which looks kind of like a cocky twelve year old challenging his dad.  It didn't work out so well for the smaller Daniel.  In his defense, he was giving up 30 lbs.  Kupah wins his match because he's still trying to meet Muhammad Ali.  It doesn't go so well for him in the second round though, as Jared knocked him down.  Kupah seems to be taking it in stride, classically talking about how hard the final is going to be for Jared - what with him having to just go through two "excruciatingly tough" battles.  He just patted himself on the back for getting knocked down!  Way to go Kupah, you're the best.

Turns out he was right though, as Ben Z. lands a pretty vicious punch to Jared's face, ringing his bell and knocking him down.  Hilariously, the crowd shows it has no knowledge of the effects of a concussion, which can include sensitivity to sound, by chanting "JARED, JARED, JARED" as if the sheer volume of their voices can counteract the blunt force trauma his brain just took.  Jared too shows a lack of understanding of the situation, as he tries to brush off the paramedic.  "I'm fine, I just got PUNCHED IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD," he says.  The paramedic is having none of it and sends him off to the hospital.

Ben Z. feels bad about sending a dude to a hospital, but then says "here's something:  My mom fell down the stairs, broke her back, then they found cancer and she died."  Oops.  Forgot Ben Z. (which, when Kaitlyn says his name sounds like "Bensie") was the guy who was still dealing with the passing of his mom from a decade ago.

While Daniel is having a chat with Kaitlyn, a note is delivered to her, and she makes a huge deal out of it by not talking about it and being all cryptic and dismissing him.  Turns out it's just Jared who explains that "he got hit in the bridge of the nose" which is the exact opposite of where he thought he got hit a few hours ago.  Despite the doctor's prescribing rest for him, he goes for a walk with Kaitlyn and gives her a kiss.  Kaitlyn thinks it's "hot," to be kissed by a concussed dude wearing a red shirt, yellow boxing shorts, and black converse high tops on a dirty Hollywood street.  Given that he's still in boxing attire, he probably hadn't showered.  I get that "sweaty boxing guy" might be kind of sexy to some girls, but "concussed guy who is no longer sweaty but still wearing stinky clothes" is probably not part of that fantasy.

Bensie gets the rose, and a big kiss (go figure).  Kaitlyn is here to PARTY.

Now time for the one on one date, and it's Clint the drawer of triceratops.  Their date is an underwater photo shoot, which seems a little weird, which gets weirder when Gisele greets them and tells them she's a conceptual underwater photographer.  I think underwater photographer would have sufficed.  Turns out that "spontaneous underwater jump" that I thought I saw in the "scenes upcoming" thing wasn't spontaneous at all.  Makes more sense now.

What doesn't make sense is underwater photography.  Gisele makes them go through breathing exercises that involve feeling your partner's breathing, and - bonus for Clint - Clint gets to second base by placing his hand right on her boob.  They pile into the water, and the pictures are absurd, as Kaitlyn can't stop blowing bubbles out of her nose, so there's this annoying trail of bubbles in every shot, that I'm sure Gisele wasn't conceptualizing.  Also, apparently conceptual underwater photographers don't wear wetsuits or other approved water wear - they just go in wearing regular clothes, fingerless biker gloves and scuba masks.  Basically she grabbed the most annoying props from a wedding photo booth.  At dinner, Kaitlyn tells Clint that she "knew she could bring out his funny side" which I tried to do once in college with a girl and is way harder than you think.  Turns out some people don't have a funny side.  Clint gets his rose.

Back at the house, the second group date is announced, and Tony is shocked she actually noticed him enough to bring him on a group date.  Tony is the worst.  Well JJ is the worst - he just wants to make fun of every other guy in the house and act like he belongs on Mount Olympus or something - but Tony is a close second.  He's going on about openness and mixing up the girls' names, calling Kaitlyn Britt, and just basically saying whatever cliche about love and spiritualism pops into his head.

(Note - due to my DVR segmenting the episode into two separate lines in my menu, I accidentally watched the second hour first, which you will see really confuses me when we get to the rose ceremony.)

We're not wasting any time tonight, as Amy Schumer is kicking off this episode with a "do you know how lucky you are?  You could be driving a tractor right now!" joke.  Good stuff.  The guys are excited about the stand-up, which of course means they're going to be terrible.  if their initial jokes are any indication, we're in for some bad stand-up.  Amy trots out three female comedians I've never heard of, but they're funny as they openly mock the guys.  Amy just lays out JJ saying he is a great guy, just missing "charisma, humility and a sense of humor."  JJ belabors his point by telling Amy he feels "he's smarter than 90% of the audience 90% of the time."  Amy deadpans "I hope it comforts you to know you're not smarter than anyone here." JJ responds with "just a second" and continues to write his horrible jokes down on a notepad.  What kind of idiot doesn't take advice from one of the best comedians in the world right now?  Amy wins the night by saying "hopefully JJ looks back on the show and stops being such a turd."  We need to refer to more people as turds.  It's a great word!

Time for the guys to embarrass themselves.  Surprisingly, the first few aren't bad, and Dentist Chris does a great job playing the super nervous guy routine to a T.  Healer Tony goes into a monologue about how blessed he is for the opportunity and then he just rambles.  This sets up JJ who only gets to tell one joke that gets aired.  That just really sucks.  I want to know if he was terrible, or he was able to channel his arrogance into some funny stuff.  Damn you ABC!  Can you watch full stand-up routines online?

I was worried about Idaho Welder Josh as being too much like Chris Soules, but I actually kinda like the guy.  He seems like an actual person.  A dumb actual person, but still an actual person.  Unlike sensitive Tony who can't stop talking in cliches and existential thoughts.  JJ can't stop being a condescending douche who thinks he's hilarious.  JJ is awful.  Back at the house, the guys are playing a prank on Justin, knocking on the walls and sending him out to find out what's on the date card.

JJ continues his douchebaggery, going on and on about how much he misses his daughter who is growing up too fast and all this, and then tells Kaitlyn that there's no other place he'd rather be and makes out with her.  JJ thinks this kiss puts him in the lead, even willing to put $50K on his getting a rose.  Not to be outdone, Kentucky Joe decides to kiss first and ask questions later.  The first thing he says is "Well I'll be!"  Then Kaitlyn says "theres's something about that I like and I'm not sure what it is."  I don't think this is a good thing for Joe.  She basically said "you're dumb and I don't see a future with you, but I like kissing you, so you can stay for now."  JJ cashes in his bet and gets the rose, after Kaitlyn says "I like the sensitive dad thing you're portraying.  Keep playing that angle, because I like it."  Naturally, the tease as we go to break shows JJ doing the exact opposite.  All he had to do was keep talking about how his daughter is his princess and that nothing will ever take her place in his heart, and he can't do it.

Somehow we're at the rose ceremony already, and I'm wondering if I somehow missed the one-on-one date(s).  Did my DVR screw this up?  Whatever, I'm not complaining.  JJ breaks some sort of verbal agreement the bros all made that they would let the guys who didn't have the dates go first at the cocktail party.  He basically rubs it in all the guys faces, telling them "I had to remind her what husband material looks like."  Ian goes right into his "I was hit by a car, but now I'm here" story.  Kaitlyn is very impressed that he didn't die apparently, and gives him a big kiss for not letting that car murder him.  JJ continues to aggressively antagonize the guys leading to one of them saying "Villains gotta vill" which just supplanted Amy Schumer's "turd" line and my favorite quote of the night.

Kupah is really frustrated with his lack of roses, and feels like he may only be here because he's a minority and fills a quota.  Way to distance yourself from any responsibility in your own exit, which seems more and more likely to be tonight.  He sits down to beg for Kaitlyn to validate him being there.  When Kaitlyn tells him she didn't think he noticed her, he acts shocked.  Kaitlyn kinda needles him about paying more attention to Laila than her, and he kinda says "well she's a big deal!" which isn't going to help him out at all.  He then lays out his quota scenario to Kaitlyn, who doesn't want to hear that she's keeping around for affirmative action.  Kupah, whose name autocorrects to Kaput when I type, is just about kaput here, as he says when I was watching last season, he thought she was a real person.  When Kaitlyn asks if he still thinks that, he kinda stumbles over his words and starts saying something about how hot she is.  Kaitlyn is not impressed.

Kaput then lays out the situation to the guys, and Kaitlyn can overhear the whole thing.  She's not happy at all, and gives him the ol' heave ho.  Kupah isn't happy, and says "I don't want to go home.  I think you're hot."  Whoops.  Kaitlyn says "there's more to me than that," and he replies with "yeah, and I like that stuff too!"  There will be no last minute stay of execution here.

Kupah then goes after some poor production assistant, saying "you're process probably works for Jared and Cupcake, but it doesn't work for me.  He then starts approaching the camera in a menacing fashion, and Kaitlyn apparently decides she needs to defend the cameraman.  What is she going to do?  Why does she need to do anything?  Where's that big bouncer looking dude that escorted Drunk Ryan out of the building last week?

Anyways, we end on a  "To be continued......." and that'll probably be less dramatic than we all want it to be.  I will say that despite there only being a few guys that seem to have any realistic shot of winning (Ben Z., Shawn, maybe the dentist) this season is working so far because of Kaitlyn's humor and horniness.  Also, I'm never going to try to work in five hours of Bachelorette in two nights again. That was just too much.  It is not a binge-worthy show.

Bachelorette Episode 2: And then there was One

We pick up right were we left off, with some over the top, Dark Knight-esque musing playing over shots of a gritty Los Angeles skyline.  Chris Harrison comes out and tells Britt by herself that she won't be the girl, which is somewhat of a classy move, not announcing it in front of the guys.  I respect the decision, but at the same time, in the ratings driven television universe, public shaming of a person seems like a no-brainer.  I don't understand how the show can exploit the hell out of people getting too drunk or outing some sort of poor decision they made in their past, yet pulls back some other times and does the classy thing.  Figure out what you are, Bachelorette!

Britt says "she didn't see this coming at all."  Either she was over confident, or she failed her probabilities class in high school.  Kaitlyn is happy, and yet her first words are "is Britt OK?"  Classy move by her.  In a complete lack of understanding of how the show works, Kaitlyn seems shocked that Chris tells her she has to send some guys home.  Kaitlyn then calls her mom, who tells her she's proud of her.  For what?  For being attractive and funny enough to get a bunch of horny guys to pick her over the other attractive and less funny girl?  Some parents are easy to please.

In another moment that has become a staple of premiere week, Kaitlyn tells the guys that she truly thinks that she's looking at her future husband in the room.  The guys all of sudden morph into "hey it's time for us to impress her!" mode.  Josh from Idaho makes a strong impression by giving her a steel welded rose that he made.  Kaitlyn thinks it's "hot" that he made a rose out of metal.  Harrison then shows up with the first impression rose, and Kaitlyn feels like she hasn't been Bachelorette long enough to have to make a decision.  I would think that the first impression rose would be the easiest decision (aside from sending the guy who drank too much home) they'd have to make.  Is he attractive?  Does he have a real job, and not a made up job like auto spokesman or sex coach?  Did he not bore me in the thirty seconds I talked to him?  Congrats, you get a rose!  How often does the first impression rose winner actually make it to the finale?  It doesn't mean anything.  Just pick someone you don't hate.  

We get a nice little segment of guys who wanted Britt trying to mask their disappointment.  Tony says something about how everyone has to drink from the same drinking fountain, but he's ready to head home to dig his own well.  I think that means he's gonna go home and give himself a long, firm handshake below the belt if you know what I mean.  I think you do.  Jared can't wait to tell Kaitlyn that he voted for Britt, which just seems like one of those things that you don't just come out and say off the bat.  I mean, I wouldn't lie about it, but you don't need to say "hey, I'm pretty happy you're the Bachelorette and all, but I voted for the other girl."  JJ says he was 1000% in for Kaitlyn and then tells her he has a 3 year-old daughter and thinks that's going to be a strike against him, but Kaitlyn thinks he's great.  I think he's weird.  Dentist Chris tells Kaitlyn that "no one is more deserving of this than you" and gets a kiss out of it.  Jared is starting to second guess his idiotic decision to out himself as pro-Britt (duh?) and wonders is Kaitlyn feels the same way he does.  About what?  About Britt?  Probably not bro.

The kiss count moves to two as the not-a-sex-coach Shawn gets the first impression rose.  Kaitlyn is not holding back...she's not here to play hard to get, she's here to get them hard.....hey-oh!

Rose ceremony time! Dentist Chris, Ben H., JJ, Kentucky Joe, Koopah(?), Daniel, Not Drunk Ryan, Josh the Rose Welder, and Sensitive Tony get roses, prompting some of the guys to get a little frosty that guys who voted for Britt are getting roses.  They think that the pro-Britt crowd should opt-out of the rest of the show.  Wonder if they'd feel the same way if the vote had gone the other way?

Brady, the guy who sings songs of spiritualism, apparently has had enough of this business, and one-ups Too-Honest Jared and tells Kaitlyn he was so into Britt that he's taking off to pursue her.  Hilariously, the guys think that he's back there trying to talk himself into Kaitlyn's good graces.  Also hilarious is that, as Harrison takes him off to find Britt, the sun is coming up!  What an exhausting process.  I'm definitely too old to go on a reality show.

Back to the roses, as Clint, Cory, Jonathan the Car-Lorax, Cory the Second, Second Ben, Tanner, All-In Ian (who made no bones about his pro-Kaitlyn stance), Justin, and Too-Honest Jared collect the roses.  Looks like Jared's bold move paid off.  That was a big risk, but he cashed it in.  If he'd been the second guy to announce he'd picked Britt, he might be going home.  

Moving on to scenes upcoming - they go to Ireland, they spontaneously jump into a pool despite the fact that there was a waterproof camera ready to film them, the go to the Alamo, she kisses all the guys, Amy Schumer! the guys are jealous, of course they fight, Nick the A-hole from Andi's season is back and apparently a major threat to win Kaitlyn, more angry dudes, Kaitlyn has sex with a dude who then runs naked across a golf course, lots of Kaitlyn tears, she tells the guys she had sex, someone burns a picture, guys cry, the dudes get lost in a hotel, more Kaitlyn tears, and a lot of "I made a mistake, but that doesn't make me a bad person" comments.  I feel like these are things that wife beaters and child molesters say the first time they get caught.  

In any event, on to week 2!

Bachelorette: Week One - Good Luck, Des!

Welcome back everyone!  Des wastes no time in delivering our first overblown statement by saying "this is the ultimate risk" which I think is offensive to Indy Car Drivers, Base Jumpers, and pretty much anyone who has ever served in a combat scenario (had to work in a shout out to the armed forces on Memorial Day.  Respect.)  Let's follow Desiree's lead and get right to it, shall we?

First we get to recap how amazing her relationship was with Sean right up until he chose no less than THREE women over him her.  Chris gives her a tour of the Bachelorette Castle, which is on top of a mountain overlooking the entire world pretty much.  It's the kind of place that you'd expect some Eastern spiritual leader to live.  So Desiree is like a Tibetan monk, only the exact opposite.  She further illustrates the dichotomy between her Zen dwelling and everything else, by rollerblading in a bikini and touring Los Angeles in a Bentley.  Did other bachelor/ette's get their own personal convertible Bentley that matches their jewelry?  What makes her so special?  I really liked Des on the Bachelor, and my opinion of her is already changing.  Quick, bring out the guys so she can look better in my eyes by comparison!

Chris and Des have a little chat before the guys show up, and Chris is quick to plug the Bentley again, just in case we forgot.  Des then gets in about sixty-seven Disney references, amongst them "fairy-tale" "Cinderella" and "Prince Charming."  Des is ready to bring on the men.  She's looking forward to weeding out the men from the boys because "she wants a man."  She seems almost over-eager.  Whomever garners that first impression rose better have brought an extra pair of BVD's, because Des may rip the underpants right off  of that guy.

I love that she's crying just thinking about the possibility of falling in love with one of these 25 guys.  Yikes.  I'm not digging her high levels of emotion right now.  She reiterates that this is her "fairy tale."  Desiree's fairy tale involves making out with approximately a dozen men over a one month period.  Got it.  I thought the guys would be out two paragraphs ago...c'mon ABC let's get this show going!

Here we go....our first guy is from Montana, and his name is Bryden.  He's a military guy, and shoots big guns.  Is that sexy?  It's terrifying to me.  I love the guns and camo image they give him.  He's a man's man.  He even has a manly dog - a German Shepard.  Oh wait...the dog has a pink bow tied around its neck.  Nevermind.  Maybe the next guy is more of a man.

Nope.  He does Bikram yoga.  He giggles as he says "not a lot of black guys do yoga."  Really?  I hope a black guy kicks your butt for saying that.  I'm assuming he's talking about a metaphorical black man, because his blackness may be only skin deep.

There's a guy that does magic, another guy that loves his dog, a dental student.  He claims he's a renaissance man because he's been in the military and dental school.  So he's done two things...congrats bud.  Turns out he's also from England, so we'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now.  The next guy is a real Derek Downer, immedately going into his sob story about his dad leaving and his mom struggling with addiction.  He's ready to be in love with Desiree.  He hasn't even met her yet....but he's fully prepared to fall in love with her.  I guess this is similar to me in high school being fully prepared to fall in love with Lila McCann knowing only that she sang kick-ass songs about blackbirds, but I'd like to think I grew out of that stage by my early 20's.

Des is getting delivered to the mansion in a limo.  Where's the Bentley?  Actually, with the amount of booze that's about to be consumed at this social mixer, probably a good idea to leave the keys with Chris Harrison.  Time for some awkward introductions!

Drew and Brooks both kind of awkwardly work through their intros...nothing too special.  Brad shows that he watches the show, and references something she did on the Bachelor and breaks out a wishbone.  First prop is a decent one...not too over the top, but still fairly lame.  Michael the federal prosecutor tries to take it to the next level and crawls around in the fountain looking for her penny.  He's unsuccessful, much like that attempt to be cute.  Hashy Hashtaggerson steps out and hashtags her #perfectmarriagematerial.  I think I'll hashtag him #dontgetcomfortable and #lookingforwardtoyourexitinterview.  Will, the black yoga man, decides that Desiree isn't a good enough name to call her, and announces that he's going to refer to her as Athena.  I think it was supposed to be a nickname, but it came off bad.  The next guy rolls up with a note inviting her to a fantasy suite.  I was kinda digging the letter as funny until he went all fantasy suite on her.  She says she's "not that kind of girl" to which he looks....disappointed?  Not a good debut.

Shirtless guy gets out with a confused look on his face.  It was good, but then he immediately references Sean and asks her to rate his abs more or less.  Eh.  He's going to be received about as well as Kalon was when he showed up in a helicopter.  Creepy ER doctor tries to dance with her, but it doesn't go well at all.  Magic man, goes for a paper rose into a real rose.  Actually goes off better than expected.  One of the Zacks shows up wearing Chuck Taylor's with his suit, trying to show off his individuality.  In other words, he tried to show his individuality in the same way every guy wearing a suit tries to show individuality.  I'm classy AND casual!  At least he's dressed better than Diogo.

Poor, poor Diogo.  He goes for the literal "knight in shining armor" look, showing up in a full silver suit of metal.  Unfortunately, I don't think he enlisted ABC's help in getting a custom fit, because he looks like he took a dump in his aluminum pants.  He also looks a little in over his head.  We get the graphic that he's a ski resort manager, which explains a lot.  I worked at a ski resort in Colorado for a few summers, and it's such a unique, strange culture up there in the Rockies, it's not surprising that he doesn't fit in to his armor or social situations that don't involve chairlifts and fresh powder.

Chris the mortgage broker gets down on one knee and asks if he can tie his shoe.  Ugh.  Des lets him walk away before going stonefaced and deadpans "funny."  Chris will be back to denying people loans in no time.

Juan Pablo the Venezuelan soccer player is my all-time favorite.  I'm pretty sure he thinks his accent and his looks are going to get him an express ticket to the fantasy suite.  They have this conversation:

"Who?"
"Who?"
"Juan."
"Who Juan?"
"Juan Pablo."

They connect so well!

Brandon shows up on a bike motorcycle, and while it's a bold move, he actually pulls it off.  He might get my first impression rose....in a completely platonic way.  Some guy shows up in a ridiculous suit with the words "designed by this guy" on it.  Pass, Des.  Please pass.

We get our first dad on the show...and he brought his son with him.  I liked the move.  Get it out there right away, show who you are and what you're about right off the bat.  Des likes it too.  When the kid says "I wish I got to go to the party" it immediately reminded me of my own son, whose first question when he hears someone is getting married is "will there be dancing at the wedding?"  Chris Harrison then comes in and says "wow, these guys are pulling out all the stops for you Des!"  A kid is not "a stop" Chris.  Sheesh.  Let's get to the drinking and awkward conversations!  Who is this season's 50 Shades of Grey girl?

Hashtag guy says #iwantarose.  I say #everyonehateshim.  Using a hashtag in verbal speech can be funny when used sparingly.  But if it's you're "thing" you're going to piss a lot of people off.  Unfortunately it looks like it is most definitely his "thing."

Magic-man commandeers the room and acts like he's going to pull another magic trick, but in reality he's going to make Des "disappear" for five minutes.  This elicits groans from the crowd, but probably was a better move than making someone's card magically appear in their breast pocket.  My rule of thumb with Magic is that if you aren't on David Blaine's level, don't do magic.  It's just not that impressive.

The traditional "I'm just going to steal her for a second" ritual is going on, and the desperation is palpable.  The Daddy guy (I promise I'll learn their names by next week) pulls her aside to talk about his son, and how he's all about family.  Des asks the logical question: "Were you married?"  He says "no, it was more of a 'two friends have a kid together' situation, and she's my best friend.  He's got a great mom."  I'm not sure that you want to start off you first conversation with a girl you're hoping to marry with "I'm still super tight with my kid's mom," but Des likes his honesty and apparently loves a challenge, because he gets the first rose.

Once the rose seal is broken, stuff gets REAL.  All of sudden all the guys are gripping.  I don't think I have the correct words to illustrate how hilarious it is to see a guy without a shirt talk about how important it is to show Desiree how "serious" he is about the process.  He should've seriously considered putting his shirt back on then.  This brings me to a new segment in the blog I'd like to call:

Andy Lasselle's Advice for Bachelor/ette Contestants
It's important to make a positive first impression when you get out of the limo.  Back when I took Comm 111 at OSU in the spring of 1998, we had to give a speech about ourselves.  They told us to start with an attention grabber, something that will make people pay attention and remember you.  However, you can't let that thing define you.  My roommate panicked before his speech and decided to grab people's attention by kicking an empty two liter bottle around the room.  For the rest of the term, he was the bottle kicker.  If you show up without a shirt, then the rest of the night, you're the shirtless guy.  Don't be the shirtless guy.

Shirtless guy is already committed, so he loses the pants too and jumps into the pool.  Now he's the guy in the pool.  Hashtag guy shouts out #shrinkage, overplaying his hand yet again.  Neither of these guys stand a chance.  Des gives shirtless guy a rose anyways, which seems like more of a consolation prize so he doesn't feel like a complete moron more than anything else.

Juan Pablo proves that you can get away with pretty much anything if you speak with an accent and play a professional sport. Des calls him a dream of a man.  I'm going to repost their initial conversation just so you understand why average looking guys with average athletic talent have to resort to eHarmony.com and other dating websites to find a wife these days:


"Who?"
"Who?"
"Juan."
"Who Juan?"
"Juan Pablo."

Dream. Of. A. Man.

So he takes her out front to play soccer with her, and of course all the other guys want to join in.  Somehow shirtless guy ends up on the ground.  Of course he does.  He gets maybe two more weeks tops.

I'm actually pretty surprised that nobody's gotten so drunk that they have to be excused prior to the rose ceremony.  Drew may be the most awkward bachelor contestant ever.  He's the kind of guy who would giggle uncontrollably if someone mentioned the word "boobies."  He gets a rose for being nervous.  Pity roses always go first.

Larry the ER doctor is definitely no Dr. Doug Ross.  He's awful.  He does show a little self awareness by telling the other guys, he'd definitely be going home first if it wasn't for Fantasy Suite Guy.  Fantasy Suite Guy, meanwhile, has been doing pushups and talking about how he's going to kiss her "on the mouth."  He then completely disregards Andy's advice and brings up the fantasy suite again.  I'm not sure what's about to happen, but he's definitely the drunk one now.  Did he really just say something about his mom and his "love tank" in the same sentence?  I'm completely terrified for what's about to happen to Des.  Kasey the Hashtagger says he wonders if he's going to have to save her....#fantasysuitefail.  Kasey is awful.  Des, however, doesn't need #help, as she calmly and commandingly dismisses Fantasy Suite Guy.

Time for the ceremony....Motorcycle Brandon gets a rose - so my initial favorite is still in the running.  Chuck Taylor Zach gets a rose, as does Black Yoga Will.  Brooks (is he two people?  Why is he not just Brook?  Are there other names that end in s?  I need to do some research on this.)  Juan Pablo, Brad, #Kasey, James, Robert, Brian (I need to pay more attention because I know nothing about these guys), Dan, Chris (I still got nothing), get roses, and now there's only one left.  Another random dude gets the rose.  The magician's assistant, Dr. Not George Clooney, the Renaissance Man, Diogo the Knight in Poopy Armor, and Patches the Bad Suit Guy are left out in the cold.  Can't say I'm surprised by any of those dismissals.  ER guy is the first to leave, and sadly, I think he was much more calm and reserved once he came to grips with the fact that he had bombed spectacularly.  I actually felt bad for him when he left, because I think he was probably a better guy than he showed tonight.

Previews for the next seasons show a lot of conflict between the dudes, a girlfriend who looks like she's about 10-15 years older than anyone on the show, and James is established as the "guy who is only on the show to become the next Bachelor."  He's this season's Tierra - the person the other contestants decide to collectively hate with a passion.  There's also a very brief clip of someone getting full on punched in the face - something that looks straight out of a movie or something.  The first ten times I saw it, I thought "you know, it's surprising that there's never been an actual brawl on any season before.  Now I'm starting to think it's some sort of staged event, like they're filming a movie on one of the group dates or something.  ABC has turned me into the ultimate skeptic - I question everything now.

Bachelor: Sean Tells Nothing

What a waste of an hour that was.  So glad I didn't live blog that mess.  Chris and Sean get down and recap the episode with the premise of telling us new stuff about Sean's thought process.  Instead he basically recapped everything we already knew.  Here's my take on some of the "highlights" if you want to call it that:

• I like how they try to refer to events such as Desiree's hometown date as happening "this week," but then talk about watching the episodes, which, if we're to believe that this was filmed prior to him chosing a bride, would be impossible.  Chris straight up asked him if he had any idea who he was going to marry, and he said "at this point no," but then talks about watching the episodes of Tierra's meltdowns.  Can't be both ways here guys.  Also, I liked the completely rehearsed line about coming on the show hoping to have strong feelings for just one girl, never imagining that he'd develop feelings for 3!  Chris is quick to point out that just last night, it was 4 women (meaning Desiree), but apparently to Sean once you decline to give a girl a rose, those feelings never happened. 

• First off, Tierra was awful.  Sean says "why didn't I see what was going on with her?"  Well, probably because ABC purposefully keeps you away from it, and also EVERY FREAKING GIRL TOLD YOU SHE WAS A BITCH, so don't act like you didn't have the information.  Also, it's hard not to feel a little bad for the girl.  It must be hard to go through life without having control of your face - ba dum ching!  Seriously though, the other girls were like a pack of dogs on her, and while she brought most of it on herself, it's not surprising that she got a little crazy surrounded by a handful of women that don't know when to walk away.  I was liked how bitter Sean sounded about the week in Montana.  "All the girls were paying more attention to Tierra than me!" he moaned.  Seriously dude, you're dating a dozen pretty girls on national television, how much attention do you need?  Also, will Tierra actually show up for the Girls Tell All episode?  I hope they find her a seat right in the middle of all the other women and watch as she starts saying something stupid and all the other women move in for the kill like a pack of zombies on the Walking Dead.  It's going to be epic.

• The mind also boggles at the hypocrisy shown towards Lesley.  They talk about how she had a hard time expressing her feelings, and Sean even said that he kind of knew that she wanted to say how she felt and didn't.  Yet he says "if she'd said it, yeah things could've been different.  She might still be here."  Pretty easy for a guy who doesn't have to worry about saying the big L-word to anyone because he can hide behind the whole "because of television, I'm obligated not to tell you how I really feel."  Every girl that says "I love you" to him gets an "Aww thanks!" in response, but he's bitter about the one girl who he can tell wants to tell him, but doesn't?  Poor form, buddy. 

• I loved that Chris Harrison called Sarah a "fan favorite."  Really?  Who liked her?  I agreed with Sean that there was no passion and that she should've gone home, but can we stop talking about how disadvantaged she was at roller skating?  Look, I get that if you chopped my arm off right now and put me on roller skates, I'd have trouble balancing.  But that's because I HAVE TWO ARMS.  If you've only had one your whole life, you know where your center of balance is.  If she sucked at roller skating, it wasn't because she had one arm, it's because SHE SUCKED AT ROLLER SKATING. 

• The recap of Selma was just pointless.  The only takeaway from that is that pretty girls can get guys to do anything.  Eyelash kisses?  Jesus. 

• I was a little miffed by the "never before seen footage" as well.  First off, that stuff was way better than the parts they showed during the actual show!  The whole sexy brownie eating thing was funny, and showed a level of comfort between Lesley and Sean that we had never seen before.  Catherine slipping him dorky notes was cute, how come that wasn't shown?  Desiree's brother being nice to Sean and then flipping the switch would've been pretty compelling TV too.  The idea that they didn't show it because it didn't make sense seems strange - what about this show does make sense?  And I'm just throwing a thought out there - maybe he was nice at first because he was giving him the benefit of the doubt, and then attacked him later after he'd had a chance to form an opinion?  Just because Sean and ABC are trying to convince everyone of his sincerity and character doesn't mean that everyone has to believe it.  If you watched Jimmy Kimmel on Monday night, he showed clips of Sean saying he was "crazy" about every girl, followed by Des' brother saying "you're crazy 'bout a lot of girls, right?" I believe Sean also told Des' bro "I'm sorry I gave you that impression, but that's not me" later in the conversation. So yeah, I'm not buying it.

• My only reaction to the porn-esque scene of Sean showering at the end was "would they have done this with Emily Maynard in a bikini?  Doubtful.  With the music and the slow mo, I almost wondered if they should've put a disclaimer that said "men, you may want to leave the room now so your wives can have some alone time with Sean."  So strange.

That's it until next week, when Sean and AshLee encounter a sea monster in a Thai cave or something.  Man I hate ABC's over the top teasers.  That bit of Sean reading a letter on the altar?  I guess we're supposed to assume that someone wrote him a letter and said they couldn't face him and has left the show.  I put the chances that actually is what happened at 5%.  More likely is that it's a note from Des that says she still thinks he's making a mistake, and he acts all sad about it for 32 seconds until he proposes to Lindsey.  That's my prediction anyways.