tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27301062398871116592023-10-01T16:47:07.957-07:00Snacks TracksThe thoughts of an over-competitive slackerAndy Lassellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05845907876721858770noreply@blogger.comBlogger667125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730106239887111659.post-43457669930892229132023-10-01T16:46:00.001-07:002023-10-01T16:46:13.045-07:00The Golden Bachelor, Episode 1 - Nobody wants your fresh eggs, April<p> It's been about 3 years since I've watched a single second of the Bachelor franchise. The magic was gone for me. I felt like I was making the same jokes every year, and the faces of the cast would change, but the storyline would be largely the same - Someone was there for Instagram clicks or some other reason other than love and everyone could see it except for the Bachelor/ette. Then right before hometowns, there'd be some bombshell - an ex-lover, or someone who had been dismissed earlier would return, or something. </p><p>Largely these things didn't bother me. They were still mildly amusing, if a little tired. But the sob stories went from something that happened in the past (death of a family member, divorce, etc.) to trying to tackle thorny subjects that society was dealing with. Suddenly everything was about racism, sexual assault, etc. These are important topics, and I get the reasoning of the show leaning into these topics. If we don't talk about them, we ignore them, and nothing changes for the better. I can empathize with that, but also I am a goddamn adult who doesn't need Chris Harrison or some 27-year-old yoga instructor on TV telling me how I should feel about the #metoo movement. It just got too heavy for me.</p><p>Anyway, when I heard they were going to do an older version of the show, I was intrigued....at least enough to give this a shot again. Maybe the fact that the cast would be as old or older than I am would make me feel less like scolding the people on my TV screen..."goddamnit Brittany, you don't need to shove your tongue down his throat to get him to talk to you!"</p><p>So let's get this started! Here comes Gary. Gary has a hearing aid. We're leaning into this age thing right out of the gate. The white hair and wrinkles aren't enough to let me know he's old apparently. Gary was married for 43 years! It is just now that I realize how old this dude is. I'm a terrible gauge of how old people are. I would've thought late 50s to early 60s, but nope, he's 71. </p><p>Gary's wife died right after they bought their dream house, or as he says "her dream house." This sucks. I feel bad for Gary. Life in your 40s and 50s is all about your kids for most people. I see my wife for roughly an hour a day on average it seems like during the weeks right now. When you get to your mid-60s and are retired, that's when you get to make up for all the time you sacrificed raising a family and working to be able to raise that family. To have that taken away....that sucks Gary deserves love.</p><p>I just have my doubts he's going to find it on this show, but whatever. Do you Gary!</p><p>As the first limo shows up to greet Gare-bear, I'm hopeful that we get a more mature version of this show, but I'm extremely fearful we're just going to get an older version of the same stuff. Lots of sexual innuendos, drunken lunacy, and high-school bitchiness. </p><p>Edith is dressed like an Oscar award, but she looks good. Edith knocked it out of the park. Great first impression. Big fan of Edith.</p><p>Ellen is next. Ellen immediately shouts out her best friend Roberta. Gary is definitely getting a package deal if he picks Ellen. Then again Roberta has cancer....so maybe not! (Roberta, I'm sorry. You're probably awesome.) I don't think I could handle Ellen. Seems like a lot.</p><p>I"m impressed at Sandra's ability to wear heels at 75. She's moving slow. She does some deep breathing and swearing. Sandra is more my speed. So far, I'm a fan of the casting on this show......</p><p>And then we meet Leslie....Leslie claims Prince wrote a song about her. She says "Ironically I was married twice for seven years." Nothing I've seen so far says that it's ironic, Leslie. Your husbands probably got tired of you saying "Alexa, play 'Sexy Dancer' by Prince" every time you guys had an argument. Leslie totally did this, I'm convinced of it. Leslie is our first older version of a generic Bachelor contestant, and I hate her already.</p><p>We get a big montage of women, ranging in age from 60 to 75....but there's a lot of 60 year olds. Seems like that was the lowest age they allowed on the show. </p><p>And then Theresa shows up. Theresa turns 70 today, and wants to show Gary her birthday suit. I hope Theresa doesn't have grandkids. Nope...she has a grandson. Send her home Gary.</p><p>April is insane. She says her eggs are still fresh. Gary does not want more kids, April! </p><p>Chippy is 84!!!! She's Jimmy Kimmel's aunt apparently. She seems amazing. I hope she sticks around just to narrate what happens.</p><p>Gary says "a smile is one thing, but a smile that goes up to the eyes...." I think he meant this to be a compliment, but I immediately thought he was talking about plastic surgery. Gary and I aren't on the same page at all.</p><p>Is Gary toasting the women with a glass of orange juice? Fantastic.</p><p>April gives him a calendar where every month is April. If I didn't already hate April, I'd think this was funny. She's crazy. Ellen brings up Roberta. We're 2 for 2 on Ellen mentioning Roberta. I'm telling you, this is more about Roberta than Gary for her. We're now at 4 Roberta references.</p><p>Gary and Marina talking about the slang their kids/grandkids use and laughing hysterically about it is awesome. Major points for Marina. Minus points for Faith and her motorcycle and guitar and who knows what other props she has. Faith seems to do a lot of fun stuff, but to me that probably means she's not fun when there isn't stuff to do. Put it this way - if you have an unlimited summer pass to the water park, it's great for like a week, and then you're just tired and you want to lie down. Faith is like a water park. I don't think I could handle a lifetime of Faith....but she'd be fun to hang out with from time to time. Gary is too excited about having water park passes right now. Pace yourself, Gary.</p><p>Leslie again wants to dance. Now everyone joins in on the dancing. Gary reminds me of the dog from Up! He just seems simple and happy to have people around to hang out with. Gary's a good dude, I'm just not sure there's much there with him. </p><p>Gary gives the human water park the first impression rose. She's in this for the long haul. I'm still not sold. </p><p>The rose ceremony was boring as hell. I love that the old people version of this show is only an hour long and everyone goes to bed at a decent hour. Nobody of consequence was sent home, nobody that was sent home went pyscho, nobody drank too much......maybe it is a little more mature.</p><p>Nope. In the "coming up this season" montage, we get Gary crying to Jesse Palmer that "the worst I've ever felt in my life is when my wife passed away, and this is a goddamn close second." WHAT POSSIBLY ON THIS SHOW COULD BE CLOSE TO YOUR WIFE DYING?" Then again...that's a pretty good life he's lived if the only bad things he can think of is his wife dying and whatever this is.</p><p><br /></p>Andy Lassellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05845907876721858770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730106239887111659.post-79457040688637715942020-11-11T09:21:00.003-08:002020-11-11T09:21:21.269-08:00Bachelorette 2020 Week 5 - Upgrade!<p> So I know I didn't blog last week, but you know what? Sort of a lot happened last week and it took me about six different tv watching sessions to get through the episode. Anyways, to recap - Clare decided Dale was the one, the guys were rightfully bitter that they quarantined for however long and then most of them never even really got to date her and the season was over. The only guy that really has any sort of a right to be upset here though is Jason, who actually got a one on one and was pretty honest and open with her and actually had a chance to develop a "relationship." </p><p>Anyways, they bring in Tayshia and.....</p><p>Actually I'm gonna stop here and bring up the fact that quarantine rules seem pretty lax on this show. A few weeks ago we had Margaret Cho and Deanna Pappas just show up, and now they've got a whole new Bachelorette already COVID screened and quarantined and ready to go? How is that possible? I need to know more about this.</p><p>Ok so they bring in Tayshian and it seems like 95% of the guys are like "Clare Who?" within about 30 seconds. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://i.imgflip.com/2ajtsw.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="202" data-original-width="360" src="https://i.imgflip.com/2ajtsw.gif" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p>Good for them, but also it speaks to the nonsense of saying things like "I put my life on hold for her! I sacrificed so much for a chance with Clare!" Poppycock! You wanted to be on TV. Personality-wise, I'm not sure you could have two more different people than Clare and Tayshia, but we'll see how this goes.</p><p>Chris lets a few of the guys peacock for her...and I must say that I had no idea a few of these guys (was there an Ivan?) were still on the show. Then he blows the thing up by saying he's bringing some new guys on the show in a limo! </p><p>Turtleneck Bro says "we got a whole ass limo out there!" I've never thought about half ass limos before, but that could be interesting. Spencer is the first guy out of the limo, and he seems like a ok guy...cracks a joke about who let Clare get away or something. The old guys are not finding the humor in more guys showing up. Also.....they had a whole stable of dudes ready to go? How long was the break between Clare leaving and Tayshia showing up? They made it seem like it was a day or two....but did these guys get two weeks with nothing to do at this resort waiting for Tayshia and these dudes to quarantine?</p><p>Also, remember back in 2019 when you heard someone had to quarantine and you thought they were radioactive or were in a plastic bubble or super secure facility?</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://33.media.tumblr.com/62bd13f1d69967679be21e68258444da/tumblr_ng2vajIyY31qb2t13o1_500.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="500" src="https://33.media.tumblr.com/62bd13f1d69967679be21e68258444da/tumblr_ng2vajIyY31qb2t13o1_500.gif" /></a></div><br /><p>Ivan (there is an Ivan!) says "this is the most excited I've been since I've been here" so.....not really there for Clare were you bud? </p><p>Zac C. seems like he has no sense of humor. He reminds me of a guy that you'd crack an innocent joke about and he'd just stare at you and say "what are you trying to say? Why would you say that?" and make everything awkward. </p><p>Tayshia has a rough moment when talking to Boy Band Kenny. He says that he's "books bands" and she says "oh so you're into the whole band and music thing?" That'd be like if she was talking to Tiger Woods who said he was playing in the Masters next week and she says "oh, so you're into golf?"</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://media1.tenor.com/images/6a06f2ba6fe56416443945ce973a02ce/tenor.gif?itemid=11284873" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="268" data-original-width="498" src="https://media1.tenor.com/images/6a06f2ba6fe56416443945ce973a02ce/tenor.gif?itemid=11284873" /></a></div><br /><p>This show seems way too normal with Tayshia. Emotions aren't over the top, nobody is freaking out, it's like real life for now. I'm gonna need some drama before too long to keep my interest level up.</p><p>Then we get the upcoming scenes and we get this image:</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9VzXk1a1g5fX2GhoqD2w_14t6jBAZgLXdBjSETAwvNWXmpXo4uhaaGEZ6L8edRETY2Og1nuSd5E3GKCeKBy8MTiu0rY0Mg8QPU2jenXD1SoINzV-HMx6kQoPVyGba3jzS6vuhsrrij0c/s2048/baby.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1275" data-original-width="2048" height="249" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9VzXk1a1g5fX2GhoqD2w_14t6jBAZgLXdBjSETAwvNWXmpXo4uhaaGEZ6L8edRETY2Og1nuSd5E3GKCeKBy8MTiu0rY0Mg8QPU2jenXD1SoINzV-HMx6kQoPVyGba3jzS6vuhsrrij0c/w400-h249/baby.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><p>Say no more! I'm all in.</p><p>And then we go back into Clare and Dale. </p><p>They're so insane. Clare's crying about how much anxiety she had "pacing around the pool." She just wants a guy to walk around the pool...not just when she's in a ball gown, but when she's in yoga pants too! Ummm...she knows guys like yoga pants right? I just did an image search for yoga pants, and I decided against posting a gif because it felt....not appropriate. I mean, if you took a poll of 100 guys and asked them if they preferred a girl in a Disney Princess ball gown or a pair of yoga pants, the vote is at least 50/50 right? Just another example of Clare living in a fantasy world. She's talking about Dale being "vulnerable" on Instagram, and how she wants to have babies, and who knows what else. I'm not saying this is going to blow up spectacularly....but it could blow up spectacularly.</p><p>Group date time! We get like a shot of Tayshia coming out of the pool for the 1000th time. She then admonishes the guys for wearing shirts and tells them to 'take it off so I can see what we're working with.' All of a sudden, none of the guys seem to have a problem with playing strip pool basketball. Same group of guys, same situation where a Bachelorette asks them to wear hardly any clothing and compete for her affection, two weeks apart, and now it's not even a plot point. Tayshia decided that despite the guys are all speedo'ed up, she'll put on regular clothes again. What a mess.</p><p>Jason's still in his feelings for Clare which seems - genuine? I have a hard time believing anything is genuine on this show, but he seems like a real dude. Unlike Turtleneck Brendan, who says that getting the first one on one date gives him "validation." I don't believe that guy at all.</p><p>Zac and Tayshia have a real ridiculous conversation where they ask each other why they're single, which is an absurd question. Zac says he's single because he just hasn't found it yet....which, obviously. Tayshia on the other hand says that "there's no men where I live, just boys chasing things." Is Peter Pan her neighbor? </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/81dEwpMxhRL._AC_SL1500_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="533" data-original-width="800" height="267" src="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/81dEwpMxhRL._AC_SL1500_.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><p>Riley and Spencer keep up their feud that started in the pool. Riley says "back home we'd call you Lunchmeat because you talk a lot of shit." Lunchmeat talks shit? I'm not really sure Riley explained that name all that well. </p><p>Tayshia tells Spencer she loves that he fought for her - you know because he got elbowed in the pool. Eazy gets the group date rose though, which honestly is a good call by her. He seems like a quality first date dude....it's gonna be fun, there's not gonna be any awkward silences.....don't know how well that translates to a full relationship though. Not saying it can't, but can he sustain that energy over years and years?</p><p>Jason mans up, admits his feelings for Clare, and honorably bows out of the competition. Good on you, Jason. Quality move right there. Jason seems like a real good dude.</p><p>Brendan's date is absurd. Horseback riding around the pool? Brendan also says "I was here for Clare, but you're actually more my style anyways." This show is so full of shit sometimes man. Hilarious. </p><p>Chris Harrison hustling around the resort hocking beverages and snacks is pretty hilarious actually. He really needed to hop out of the pool with a snorkel offering bud lights or something. Tayshia so far has kissed Zac and Brendan.....who honestly seem like the two most BORING dudes there. I need to re-evaluate how I feel about Tayshia. She gives Eazy the rose on the group date, but she's kissing the boring ass dudes? What is happening?</p><p>Brendan and Tayshia bond over their failed marriages, he gets a rose, and they genuinely seem happy together, there are literal fireworks, and the episode is over. Hoping for more figurative fireworks next week!</p><p><br /></p>Andy Lassellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05845907876721858770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730106239887111659.post-87969048825468633362020-10-29T13:14:00.005-07:002020-10-29T16:22:01.276-07:00Bachelorette 2020 Week 3: Hypocrites, All of You!Normally, I write as I watch the show, but this week I decided to watch the entire show, then blog about it. This may mean fewer direct quotes from the episode, and maybe I forget a few key things, but it sure does save me some time. Let's see how this goes:<div><br /></div><div>Time for the Yosef-Clare showdown! Remember when Riley got all up in arms about Yosef speaking for the group, because he's a grown ass man and can speak for himself? Well meet hypocrite one of the night, as Yosef, Harvard Bennett, and Riley have a conversation about how Yosef should speak up to Clare about the lack of respect she showed on the strip dodgeball date. Not going to handle this one yourself, Riley?</div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://media.tenor.com/images/2cef23288be9a97217e0d451785b80d9/tenor.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="162" data-original-width="220" height="295" src="https://media.tenor.com/images/2cef23288be9a97217e0d451785b80d9/tenor.gif" width="400" /></a><br /></div><div><br /></div>This is actually a pretty time-honored tactic on Bachelor shows - bunch of guys egg one guy on to address a problem they all have, knowing if it goes sideways he's gonna be the one getting the boot.<div><br /></div><div>Well guess what? It goes sideways. Like <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0375063/" target="_blank">Paul Giamatti, Thomas Hayden Church level sideways</a>. Yosef starts out well, although I still think it's a bit disingenuous of him to say he was offended by her calling the guys out for not showing her more love on the first group date now, when he "tried to speak for the group" to apologize for their behavior in the moment. Anyways, he's pretty respectful, but then he drops the "oldest bachelorette in history," which....yikes. I don't think he was meaning it to sound as bad as it did, but at that point you could tell Clare was done listening to him, so he just went Yosemite Sam and emptied both barrels into her</div><div><br /><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://media.tenor.com/images/61610dcf2553a2d8056c6342dfacacd7/tenor.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="153" data-original-width="220" height="279" src="https://media.tenor.com/images/61610dcf2553a2d8056c6342dfacacd7/tenor.gif" width="400" /></a></div><br /></div></div><div>So Yosef is here mansplaining classless behavior to Clare, Clare is in full "I'm a strong, independent woman, you can't tell me I'm wrong!" mode, and it just devolves from there. Yosef fires off a few "I would never strip on TV...what would my daughter think? Well, you had no problem showing off your "<a href="https://www.usmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/Posing-Shirtless-Yosef-Aborady-Criticizes-Clare-Crawley-5-Things-to-Know-About-the-Bachelorette-Villain.jpg?w=800&quality=86&strip=all" target="_blank">fresh out the shower</a>" look for the camera's night one, Yosef! Also, is following a woman around yelling at her about how old and classless she is, attacking things you know she's self conscious about setting a good example for your daughter man? </div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://media4.giphy.com/media/l1J9zpD9rTRhh3uZG/giphy.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="270" data-original-width="480" src="https://media4.giphy.com/media/l1J9zpD9rTRhh3uZG/giphy.gif" /></a></div><div><br /></div><div><div>Anyways, this drama leads to our first "COCKTAIL PARTY IS CANCELLED!" moment of the season. Boo hoo. A bunch of guys you don't care about are let go.</div><div><br /></div><div>All this, and we haven't had a date yet! Well, we still don't, as Clare decides to cancel a "fun day date" activity to have a smaller cocktail party with the guys. But psyche! it's not a cocktail party either! It's a "let me whisk Dale off to my bedroom and dry hump for an hour!" date. The guys - rightfully so - are a little annoyed. Eazy trots off to find them, and wanders in to a makeout session....awkward. A bunch of other one on one chats happen until Dale "accidentally" walks in on Clare with a dude. Clare immediately dismisses the poor sap, and makes out with Dale some more. More guys are upset.</div><div><br /></div><div>One on One date with Zach J. Zach J is like a human dog. Seems nice, also probably gets confused every time he hears a phone ring on television, even though it's not his ringtone. He was baffled when Clare told him she liked getting pedicures to unwind....like he didn't know what a pedicure was, or that the idea of relaxing was so foreign to him his brain just shut down or something. Anyways, the rest of the date isn't important until Clare goes in for a kiss, but the slams on the brakes about two inches from Zach's lips. Zach, understandably, is confused. Clare takes his confusion as a sign of repulsion at the thought of kissing her, so she swears at him and walks away, refusing to talk about it with him. Zach tries to show her he's prepared to kiss her, and tries to pull her in for the kiss, but the moment is gone. Clare retreats to her room, cries while cuddling her dogs, Zach wanders around in a beach towel bewildered, then gets stood up at dinner until Clare sends Chris Harrison to dismiss him. </div></div><div><br /></div><div>My analysis of this: Clare is so in the tank for Dale that she's now inventing reasons to get rid of other guys. She decided to hesitate on the kiss to make Zach come the last 5% of the way to her. Zach wasn't expecting it and froze, and she now turned this into "he doesn't want to kiss me, I have to get rid of him." But then Clare-Bear takes it like 75 steps to far, imagining that he pulled away (he definitely didn't), then interpreting his trying to show her he wasn't against kissing her as him "aggressively grabbing her." Major Clare hypocrisy for touting her strength and "finding her voice" and all that all season, then sending out her pseudo-dad Chris Harrison to dump poor Zach. Rough break Zach, I hope you get to go to Pandemic Paradise, wherever they have that. Oh and Clare.....</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://thumbs.gfycat.com/GrippingCelebratedHerculesbeetle-small.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="170" data-original-width="245" height="278" src="https://thumbs.gfycat.com/GrippingCelebratedHerculesbeetle-small.gif" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div>On to the final group date of the night.....a roast! Clare encourages the guys to dish it out, because she loves a guy who can make her laugh and knows how to have fun. Margaret Cho is here (also DeAnna Pappas made an appearance), because apparently everyone's been quarantining for weeks to be trotted out for five minutes, and, so ABC can get Dale on this date, the rest of the guys will be in the audience to hear the roasting.</div><div><br /></div><div>Most of the guys are a little jealous of Dale, so they go HAM on Dale. Particularly Bennett, whose jokes range from pretty funny to "not really a joke, just a mean comment." Anyways, Clare no longer thinks jokes are funny, and at one point calls Dale "my fiancé" to a producer. After the date, Clare continually cuts off guys talking about themselves or her to focus on their Dale jokes or comments, then hilariously tells all the guys she "didn't get what she needed from them" and refuses to give out the group date rose. Again, she refuses to give the guys room to grow their relationships with her, then admonishes them for not growing their relationship. </div><div><br /></div><div>I'll admit, I was pretty much expecting Clare to melt down and be a trainwreck as The Bachelorette, but I thought I'd enjoy it more than this. She just kinda sucks and has created her own reality about what is going on here, where her and Dale are victims of some conspiracy to keep them apart. Thankfully it looks like Tayshia is going to emerge from some sort of underwater COVID free bunker in a bikini to get us back on track soon. Yippee!</div>Andy Lassellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05845907876721858770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730106239887111659.post-38590681152589567182020-10-21T22:29:00.002-07:002020-10-22T08:15:14.295-07:00COVID BaDalerette Week Two<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Let's start this special Dale-centric episode of the Bachelorette with some famous Dales:<a href="https://media3.giphy.com/media/l0K4kn2UdzgI0jI3K/source.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="281" data-original-width="500" src="https://media3.giphy.com/media/l0K4kn2UdzgI0jI3K/source.gif" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://media4.giphy.com/media/l4FGoqlyNIkGN4yME/giphy-downsized.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="270" data-original-width="480" src="https://media4.giphy.com/media/l4FGoqlyNIkGN4yME/giphy-downsized.gif" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://i.imgur.com/0piEE.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="281" data-original-width="500" src="https://i.imgur.com/0piEE.gif" /></a></div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://i.pinimg.com/originals/a2/a7/bd/a2a7bd726300eaa261b98ac4008d5c74.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="360" data-original-width="476" src="https://i.pinimg.com/originals/a2/a7/bd/a2a7bd726300eaa261b98ac4008d5c74.gif" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">We start with a Romeo and Juliet montage of guys saying grandiose but generic love things, because really they don't know her....I mean some of these guys were in high school when she was on the show last time. But basically, it's blah, blah, blah, blah, let's get to Dale. He says some mumbojumbo about her spirit and her energy like she's a fucking poltergeist, but of course it's music to her ears. "I've never had guys talk to me like this before!" says the woman who has never been on a national TV show in a fake tower while guys on a stage are forced to say things to her. Oh Clare....so hot, and yet so dumb. She looks and acts like a woman half her age.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Next, the guys have to give her gifts. I'm trying to figure out why guys brought some of this stuff with them (the baseball from the last game they played in, chess pieces). I mean, yes they are important and significant, but would you bring the baseball from the last game you played on vacation? Hell no you wouldn't, that thing is priceless! </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">But really, let's talk about Dale. He brought a bottle of dog cologne. NO. Dogs are not people. Dogs don't use deodorant or need perfume. They smell like dogs, and that's ok, because they are dogs. If I have one pet peeve, it's treating animals like humans. I love my dog, but I do not treat him like a human child. I call that guy a fucker three times a day and have no qualms about sequestering him in the bathroom with a baby gate if he gets hyper. He sleeps in a crate and eats dog food. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Next we do blindfolded hugs. It makes sense for Clare to be blindfolded, but why are the guys? I mean...they know who they're hugging....no mystery there. Clare says she knows who a guy is because of how he smells. Some other dude that looks like a poor man's Colin Jost (I'm done with names at this point because I already don't care if they're not named Dale) perks up and says he's big on smell too. "My stepmother drilled into me at age 12 that boys are supposed to smell good and it isn't that hard to do." </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Well, if that ain't the creepiest thing ever said on this show. We tell Jonah to wear deodorant so he doesn't smell like a hobo, but we're drilling into him "don't smell bad," which I think is far different than encouraging your 12 year old to wear <a href="https://www.fragrancex.com/products/_cid_cologne-am-lid_j-am-pid_583m__products.html" target="_blank">Joop</a> or whatever the kids are wearing these days.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">On to the actual date part of the night. Harvard guy makes sure to let her know he's a Harvard guy. Clare can't let go of the fact that the guys got a little awkward when she showed up. I mean, it is kind of strange when there's one girl in a group of 10 guys and all the guys are trying to hook up with her. So you know what? She's gonna cut Harvard guy off while he's talking to go lecture the guys for not showing her how awesome she was. "At the end of the day, I'm a woman," Clare says, as if that means anything. What's the alternative...at the end of the day, I'm a banana?"</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Dale of course steps up and says his piece about how she's never gonna feel that way again as if he can promise that...but let's be honest....if she's gonna flip out over an awkward silence in a group, you're gonna have a real hard time not making her feel offended when you say "hang on let me finish this email," or "Hon can you move a little to the left? I can't see the TV." </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Then Riley and Yosef get into it because Yosef said "let me speak for the group," and Riley is a grown ass man that speaks for himself. Riley is being overly sensitive here, but Yosef is too insecure to just apologize and move on. Instead, he continues to explain why it's ok for him to speak for the group, even though he knows it bothers Riley. Testosterone man....it's a hell of a drug.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Clare then gives one of the guys her life's story, but she tells it like some sort of preacher telling the story of Jesus to his parishioners....eyes closed, head tilted towards the sky, every word is a thunderbolt from her soul. Nobody loves themselves some Clare more than Clare.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Some more guys let her preach her truth, with lots of "you go girl!" words of encouragement to her. Riley gets the date rose for dancing to an imaginary Boyz II men song with her and asking her what she wants in a husband. Honestly surprised that Dale didn't get it. The Dale Show is a bit derailed.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Yosef says that he thought Clare came off as hot headed and immature (true) and that she's not living up to who he thought she was. THIS IS EXACTLY WHO SHE IS DUDE.....do some research next time. This is like saying "I was really surprised at how mean Trump was...he's not living up to who I thought he was."</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Jason gets the first one-on-one date, but before that, Clare gives him some homework: write a letter to your former self. Jason is not real keen on this idea, but he's gonna soldier through. Clare says that she's really funny and the first to crack jokes to make others feel comfortable....which is the exact opposite of how she responded to the awkward silence on her group date. Clare is bonkers. Attractive, but bonkers. She's the kind of girl that guys try to convince themselves that they can get past or tone down her emotional ups and downs, but then end up too far down the road to get out and just completely frustrated with the relationship.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">They then write down their faults, which seems like the worst first date idea in history. "Hey, why don't you tell me everything bad about yourself before I know a single good thing." That's a big hole to dig yourself out of Jason. Clare then cries, reading a letter she wrote about things she already knows that happened twenty years ago. I guess I'm extremely thankful that there's nothing in my past that traumatic, because this seems so foreign to me. Jason reads his letter and then talks about himself like he's Bruce Banner and if you get him angry or make him feel too much, the Hulk is gonna show up and destroy everything. Once again, The Bachelor proves that if you allude to having demons but not really say anything other than "I've had a rough life emotionally" you are almost guaranteed a rose. Can't wait to hear Harvard Rob or whatever his name is say "I've had a step up on everyone since the day I was born, and my life has been awesome." No way you get a rose after saying that, even if it is true.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Then they burn the Juan Pablo dress, which to me is kind of weird, because I thought it would symbolize to her the day she found her voice and to never let a man dictate her feelings to her again, but whatever. Way to turn a positive into a negative.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Group date time! Time to play dodgeball. You know those <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAOfNEBZbE4" target="_blank">college football videos</a> where they show the team their new jerseys and everyone goes nuts? This was like that, only way dorkier. The guys come in to some $4 tank tops and shorts that look like they were purchased at the Champion outlet store and the guys are clapping and acting excited to have these dorky jerseys.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Lucky for them, they won't have them on long, because Clare turns this into strip dodgeball. What is even happening? Blue team really couldn't wait to get those jerseys off as they get swept and have to get naked down to their matching blue jockstraps. A few guys go full monty, but at least one refuses to show his twig n' berries. Good on you bud, and shame on ABC for creating an environment where people feel pressured to show off their junk before they're ready to. Also, I don't find this entertaining to watch at all, and I'd feel super creepy if a dude made the ladies play strip dodgeball as well. What does Clare learn from this? That the guys she already knew were super fit are actually super fit? Is she gonna claim she's here to find love, but only if the guy is packing a security guard's flashlight in his pants? So bizarre.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Bearded rule breaker Blake is not happy being naked and alone, so he clothes himself up and returns to the fray. The guys are like shocked that he'd show such blatant disrespect for the rules. All the winners are pissed and decide to posse up to shame him out of his time with Clare. They basically want him to leave because they "won fair and square" and Clare basically tells them "get out of here, I got this." She then basically shoos Blake away. Apparently breaking the rules to talk to her is cool when nobody is telling her it's messed up. Now it's not as great to break the rules if Clare is gonna get criticism for rewarding it.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Brandon the real estate dude tries to get somewhere with Clare by saying she's beautiful, but she's like "tell me more about myself" and he's like "nah fam, that's all I know." and she's like "you didn't even watch my season?" and he's like "dude I told you were beautiful, I know you feel what I feel too!" And she's like "bro, you don't know what I think" and she kicks his ass out. Take note guys, if you can't tell how strong and smart and funny and outspoken she is, you're going the hell home. Then, she tells every guy there that she sent him home because she's been in superficial relationships before and that's not what she's here for, which means we're in store for a lot of over the top, grandiose statements about the content of Clare's character and the depth of her soul.....buckle up everyone!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Yosef now goes into how much he dislikes Clare, which....I guess that's his right. He doesn't HAVE to like Clare, and if he doesn't see her as someone he wants in his daughter's life, well then he's gotta go. This should be interesting.....</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Clare then opens the cocktail party by talking about how much fun she had the watching the blue team get naked, but it was "all in good fun." About those superficial relationships she was mentioning.....</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://media4.giphy.com/media/Yq2PFO4GhKwRsqzWqs/200.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="200" data-original-width="356" src="https://media4.giphy.com/media/Yq2PFO4GhKwRsqzWqs/200.gif" /></a></div><div><br /></div>Keeping with the contradictory vibes, Clare then pulls rule breaker Blake away to tell him privately that she DOES like his rule breaking. Again, it's cool to break the rules, but not when Clare might be criticized for condoning it. Then she makes sure everyone knows she condones it by giving Blake a rose. So weird. <div><br /></div><div>Let's close with some Dale time. Clare tells Dale she has a gift for him.....and it's a blindfold. Is this some sort of heightened senses thing? I don't get putting a blindfold him when he knows you're going to kiss him. I also don't get why, if that makes kissing so much better and it's a gift that she seemed excited to give him, that he took it off so quickly. WTF is going on with this lady.</div><div><br /></div><div>I guess the Yosef/Clare showdown will have to wait for another day. To be continued.......<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div></div>Andy Lassellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05845907876721858770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730106239887111659.post-9141519920128400832020-10-13T23:16:00.001-07:002020-10-13T23:16:31.986-07:00COVID BACHELORETTE BLOG<p> If there's a sign that maybe, just MAYBE, things are going to return to normal soon, it's that the mutha f'in Bachelorette is back on my screen. I can't overstate how excited I am to have Clare back on my TV. There may not be an "I" in Clare, but there fucking should be because she is constant drama and it's all about her 24/7. </p><p>Now might be a good time to say that Clare is definitely in the top 3 all-time <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOhwhNQ9GzI" target="_blank">person/raccoon</a> buddy relationships, joining <a href="https://ohmy.disney.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Meeko5.jpg" target="_blank">Pocohontas</a> and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-C0Av5ICYw" target="_blank">Buddy the Elf</a>.</p><p>Clare is from Sacramento, which is probably the first city to ever be mentioned on the Bachelor franchise that nobody will ever say is "the perfect place to fall in love." Think of all the places in California you'd like to visit, and I'll bet Sacramento is way down the list. </p><p>Ooooh, a Juan Pablo flashback! Man, I forgot how ruthless Juan Pablo was. "Hooo, I'm glad I didn't pick her!" he says as she reads him the riot act. To give you an idea of how long it's been since Clare was on The Bachelor, during that flashback I could just look at Clare's outfit and hairstyle and the whole setting of that scene and think "Wow, that's got a real mid-2010s vibe to it."</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://akns-images.eonline.com/eol_images/Entire_Site/2014211/rs_1024x759-140311131858-1024.clare-juan.cm.31114.jpg?fit=around|1024:auto&output-quality=90&crop=1024:auto;center,top" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="593" data-original-width="800" height="474" src="https://akns-images.eonline.com/eol_images/Entire_Site/2014211/rs_1024x759-140311131858-1024.clare-juan.cm.31114.jpg?fit=around|1024:auto&output-quality=90&crop=1024:auto;center,top" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Does anyone dress like this anymore?<br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p>Actually nobody dresses like anything anymore. #thankscovid. I'm about to wear out my favorite pair of sweatpants, which is saying something....because sweatpants last forever. I mean, maybe the elastic wears out, but that's like 15 years down the road. Now we get the COVID recap from Clare.....which seems so outdated. We all went through the fear about hugging our moms and all that MONTHS ago. Bonus points for the dramatic "COVID may mean I never get to meet my husband." </p><p>Now we get a contrived and very insincere "what if I have COVID?" pacing scene. I mean, we all know that this wouldn't be on TV if she tested positive before the season even started, so why put it in there months later? Surprise...no COVID!</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://media2.giphy.com/media/VJHtXeMHViHRHvKGKm/200.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="200" data-original-width="267" height="300" src="https://media2.giphy.com/media/VJHtXeMHViHRHvKGKm/200.gif" width="400" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><p>Let's meet the men!</p><p>Demar is a spin cycle instructor, which.....is a profession that screams he's probably got a Soundcloud album he's trying to get noticed.</p><p>Before we really get any info on these guys, we see a quick montage of them checking into the hotel and starting the quarantine process while awaiting test results. They do all the hokey stuff like jumping on the bed and fake meditating, which I guess is funny if you've never seen the great Harland Williams movie Rocketman. Now that's how you <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVVGwJLGipA" target="_blank">make isolation funny</a>. Low marks for the Harvard guy, who is definitely going to play the privileged white dude to the max. Then again, I think we're supposed to hate him, so he's doing his job.</p><p>I realize that a majority of my readership is probably women, so I may get a few eye rolls when I say this, but Clare is gorgeous. I mean, she's one of the prettiest people ever on this show. Sadly, she's also super emotional and crazy. I mean, she talks about how excited she is to meet a "smoking hot" man, and when Chris asks her how she's changed from the woman who got out of the limo on Juan Pablo's season, and she immediately says "you mean that girl who got out of the limo?" Clare honey, you were 33 years old. She then starts crying talking about her dad, which is basically what she was doing six years ago on the show, so maybe we're still that same girl who got out of the limo after all.</p><p>Clare says she can pick her husband out the second she meets him, which makes you wonder how she's 39 and single with a strong, documented history of picking completely awful men who treat her poorly. Maybe this is a new development from her, though the teasers leading into every commercial sure make me feel like she's blowing smoke up our butts with this talk of her newfound husband radar.</p><p>As they wait for the limos, Chris gives her a pep talk and says "hey, you showed up....you always do" and <strike>Clare</strike> I just about lost it. Chris is America's dad at this point right? I don't know who it was before, but it's definitely Chris Harrison now.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://media0.giphy.com/media/eMV4h4Prv2dnWOA33d/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="242" data-original-width="480" height="323" src="https://media0.giphy.com/media/eMV4h4Prv2dnWOA33d/giphy.gif" width="640" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p>First out of the limo is Ben the Army Ranger. He's very soldier like - no emotion - and has them do a breathing exercise. I'm trying to think of any scenario where I'd meet someone for the first time and ask them to do a deep breath with me where they wouldn't be like "GTFO dude, you're creeping me out." Maybe if I was their therapist or something. Anyways, Clare is so horny she finds it refreshing.</p><p>Attorney Riley says she's guilty of looking beautiful. Seems like that kind of thing works for him. Works on Clare. Didn't work on me.</p><p>Zac forgot his K or his H. He's an addiction specialist. He seems forgettable.</p><p>Tall man in short pants wearing velvet shoes. His name's Jordan. Doesn't matter. His pants are borderline capris. Pass.</p><p>Jason is a football player, and I'd make a joke about him taking one too many shots to the head if that was still socially acceptable. He riffed on Clare faking a pregnancy on Juan Pablos season during her intro, which I'd completely forgotten about but makes total sense with her personality.</p><p>Ivan works his mom and a foreign language into his opener. Strong play.</p><p>Kenny the boy band manager looks like the kind of guy that acts like he's in the boy band himself. I'll bet Kenny was in a boy band in his younger days, only his band never made it out of the county fair circuit, and he always thought it was because he had a shitty manager, and not because of his own mediocre talent. Now, a decade later, he's probably got some spoiled punk kid who thinks he's Justin Bieber breathing down his neck and he's like "these kids today just don't get it." </p><p>Brendan the roofer looks way out of his element. </p><p>Canadian Mike brought slippers.</p><p>Jeremy the Banker says he wants to make her laugh as much as possible, but everything about him is putting me to sleep.</p><p>And now for a new segment in the blog we'll call "If Andy was a Producer on The Bachelorette," where I tell you a scene I would've filmed.</p><p>You know how when your kid gets a gift card to Target and immediately demands you take them there even though they have no idea what they want and just start pulling the first toy they see off the shelf and trying to talk themselves into how much they love this toy and you have to beg them to put it down and keep looking, and then they see another toy that sucks even more, but since they've seen it more recently than the toy they just put down they HAVE to have it, and you do this like 14 times before you settle on a toy that they don't really want but you at least can live with it in your house? I feel like that's Clare with every guy that gets out of the limo. Anyways, here's the scene:</p><p>Clare: THIS is the guy<br />Chris Harrison: Ho-ho-hold on there, Clare-bear (remember, he's her dad). We've still got 15 guys to go.<br />Clare: I don't know, Chris, that guy was a BOY BAND MANAGER who screen printed my dogs onto the bodies of colonial times people. How can I not marry him?<br />Chris Harrison: Kevin seemed very nice....but you haven't met this guy yet. He's a commercial roofer.<br />Clare: Nope.....I want the boy band manager (she can't admit she wants the guy her dad likes).<br />*A fitness instructor gets out of the limo in Tyler Cameron tight pants*<br />Clare: Nevermind, you're right. THIS is the guy.</p><p>And scene.</p><p>Now we get to the stereotypical contestant section. West Virginia guy goes full West Virginian (all he was missing was a plug of tobaccy in his cheek), and then Harvard guy goes full Harvard. Short beard guy plays the best friend angle, we get an awkward guy of some ethnicity, we get a millennial named AJ that spouts some random fact about eye color that he probably got off a TikTok video, an Asian doctor, a Floridian named Robby for the 47th season in a row, and a flashy former athlete in a salmon suit who goes by "Eazy," and then straight jacket guy, suit of armor guy, parachute guy, and guy in a bubble. </p><p>Hilariously, the guy who seems to think that there's a lot of guys there for the wrong reasons is former athlete who calls himself "Eazy." </p><p>Up next is Dale, the handsome tall drink of water who is 8 years Clare's junior and another former football player. Clare's definitely found someone worthy of spending her Target gift card on. </p><p>Clare's life is apparently a Netflix Original movie. She begins speaking about meeting Dale in hyperbolic terms and how everything got fuzzy in the background behind him while he's talking. She all but declares the competition done, and Dale the winner. Dale getting out of a limo is like Vince Carter in a dunk contest</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://media0.giphy.com/media/l0ErLeqamV3UOARsA/giphy.gif?cid=ecf05e47193gaz12vow7pkwolts4926dkeq3o9sycnqulj45&rid=giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="270" data-original-width="480" height="360" src="https://media0.giphy.com/media/l0ErLeqamV3UOARsA/giphy.gif?cid=ecf05e47193gaz12vow7pkwolts4926dkeq3o9sycnqulj45&rid=giphy.gif" width="640" /></a></div><br /><p>Clare then addresses all the guys and almost breaks down talking about how she was so hopeful that today was the last day she'd have to wake up alone and how hard it is to have to be strong all the time. I'm not sure why she has to be strong, and why she doesn't have to be strong if she's in a relationship? That's a hell of a lot of pressure to put on yourself there Clare. </p><p>Clare's dog Honey then makes an appearance, and I'm a sucker for dogs. Honey seems cool, and it'd almost be worth putting up with Clare's emotional roller coaster just to hang out with Honey.</p><p>Clare then admits she's never seen My Cousin Vinnie, which is kind of unbelievable for a person of her age. She also makes the bizarre statement that these guys are all here and sacrificed "so much" to make sure she finds love. Ummm.....they gave up a few months of quarantine for some time at a resort in Palm Springs? </p><p>Uh oh....Yosef and West Virginia have a history. Apparently Yosef's been sliding into Tyler's female friend's DMs. Yosef tries to get ahead of the situation by pulling Clare aside, but Clare does maybe the first thing on this show that I agree with her about: She just calls them both together and cuts to the quick - Tyler says he saw a video that was "a masked message" whatever that means, and then Yosef says he has "more respect for himself" than to send a girl a message on IG or something. In any event, neither of those guys are going to win now. Nice job guys. Seems like it'd be easy to figure this out...you know, if Chris Harrison just broke out his phone.</p><p>Clare is so happy that Short Bearded guy "broke the rules" to ask her how she was doing during quarantine. Clare is so impressed that he was the only guy to do that. Um...maybe because it's AGAINST THE RULES? Anyways, Clare found a guy that was willing to risk his shot at pseudo-fame on the show to let her know that he cared about her as a person. I'm happy for her, and happy that she acknowledged that, because those are the right reasons. </p><p>Then of course she gives the first impression rose to Dale and makes out with him. Fuckin A Clare. Fuckin. A.</p><p>Rose Ceremony time! Guys are complaining about Tyler and Yosef and their five minute argument on a night that probably lasted 10 hours ruined their chances of spending time with Clare. I'm sure that was the problem and not all the time she spent making out with Dale.</p><p>Beardy gets the first rose...good for him! Do we call that the second impression rose? Salmon Suit Eazy, some guy named Ben, Riley the Lawyer, one of the Zac(k)(h)'s, one of the Tylers, Doctor Asian, dummy football player Jason, Demar the spin cycle instructor, Chasen with the big teeth, capri pants Jordan, Blake without the beard or chest hair, Boy Band Kenny, Brendan the roofer, a couple of guys dressed like lounge singers, Harvard douche, the other Zac(k)(h), straight jacket guy (c'mon Clare!), another random guy ro two, and now we're down to the last rose....and it goes to Yosef the Dad/Instagram Creep (allegedly). </p><p>West Virginia might've wanted to keep his Instagram bomb in his buckskin trousers for a little while longer because he's gone, along with some tattooed guy named Page and a few other inconsequentials.</p><p>Wow...I'd kind of forgotten how long it takes to blog one of these episodes! Still, it felt good to get back to something that was part of pre-quarantine times. Looking forward to what drama Clare creates for herself next week!</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Andy Lassellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05845907876721858770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730106239887111659.post-63075221939830369422020-07-01T20:43:00.002-07:002020-07-01T20:43:29.121-07:00The Pandemic Might Have Saved My LifeOk, that might be a little bit of exaggeration....but let me explain.<br />
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I struggled with when I should write this, or even if I should write this. Thousands of people have died, millions have lost jobs, felt isolated and cut off from the people and things they love....and here I am thinking this might be the best thing that could've happened to me. I acknowledge that my privilege has made this incredibly easy on me, and it's not something I take for granted, I promise you.<br />
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Those feelings of depression and isolation are not absent in this house, mind you. Our kids are handling it as well as can be expected, but they've had to sacrifice so much more than I have to keep the community safe.<br />
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The list of things my kids have sacrificed:<br />
<ul>
<li>Jonah missed his state basketball tournament</li>
<li>Jocelyn missed her dance recital</li>
<li>Jonah missed his first middle school track season</li>
<li>Jocelyn missed out on several field trips at school she was looking forward to</li>
<li>Outdoor school was cancelled for Jonah</li>
<li>They both missed their spring soccer seasons</li>
<li>They've had summer camps cancelled</li>
<li>Sleepovers have not happened. It wasn't until recently that we have softened our stance and let them see friends for outdoor playdates. </li>
</ul>
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The list of things I have sacrificed:<br />
<ul>
<li>Commuting to work</li>
<li>A summer vacation (we had designs early on of going to Spain, but that probably wasn't going to happen even before COVID hit, so in all likelihood I just gave up a train trip to Wisconsin to see my in-laws, who are wonderful people, mind you. But honestly, how many of you out there see "train trip to Wisconsin to see the in-laws" and think "Andy, you lucky son of a bitch?")</li>
<li>Watching my kids do all of the above stuff (minus the sleepovers....kind of glad those have been put on hiatus). </li>
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That's it. The biggest thing I've sacrificed is watching my kids do things. I feel a little guilty about how little this has affected me, when so many are dealing with so much more. </div>
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"But Andy," you're probably saying right now, "how does any of this tie into the ridiculous title of this blog post?" Good question.</div>
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So far I've lost 30 pounds since the shutdown began, and it's embarrassing how easy it's been. I don't say this to minimize the struggles of weight loss, because for normal people, it's hard to lose 30 pounds.....really hard. For me, it's because of one simple reason.</div>
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I work from home now.</div>
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It took a global pandemic for me to make necessary changes in my life. How pathetic is that? </div>
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Since high school, I've just steadily gained weight. Somewhere, there's a picture of 15 year old me with glasses on and a hat that's slightly too big for my head. It looks like I just finished my 4,000th round of chemotherapy. My skin is so pale, I look like a member of the <a href="https://cache.desktopnexus.com/thumbseg/373/373740-bigthumbnail.jpg" target="_blank">Cullen family</a> of Forks, Washington on a cloudy day. Then I turned 16 and got a car. Now I could drive places to get food. </div>
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When I was 17, McDonalds had a little promotion called Monopoly. Wikipedia tells me they started the promo in the 1980s, but it was HUGE in 1996. I'd go every chance I got, and of course I'd get the supersized double quarter pound meal to maximize my chances of winning. All I won was more food. Fortunately for me, when you're 17 it doesn't really matter what you eat. I remember eating a DQP meal one day at lunch, driving back to school, realizing we were running a timed mile in PE, and going out and running a 6 minute mile less than an hour later. </div>
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When I went to college, I suddenly had multiple fast food restaurants within walking distance of my dorm, and a student ID card loaded with money. I was a forestry major when I started, and that first semester, I had a day or two a week where we were out in the woods all afternoon, usually in the rain, looking at trees. Being the dork that I was, the only rain gear I had was bright yellow and made me look like I belonged on a box of <a href="https://images.freshop.com/00044400156509/9247d4ddcb17cd29fa7c367b13882be9_large.png" target="_blank">Gorton's fish sticks</a>. I hated it. We'd get back from the arboretum around 5, I'd be starving, and I'd have to walk a mile across campus from Peavy Hall to Wilson Hall (again in the rain) to get to my dorm. Halfway between Peavy and Wilson is the Memorial Union, and I would stop there, wait in line in my fish stick outfit, and get a Double Whopper meal at Burger King. Even on days I didn't go out in the woods, I was still making that walk past the MU and still stopping at BK. I think I ran out of money on my ID card with almost a month to go in the semester, so I lived on cereal and ramen for a month. After that, I didn't do a better job of budgeting my money, I just asked my parents to load more onto my account. </div>
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This was the beginning of a 20 plus year love affair with fast food. Fast forward to 2019, and I'm going to Buffalo Wild Wings once a week for lunch with a co-worker. On the days I'm not doing that, I'm walking or driving the half mile to the shopping center where there's a Burger King, Subway, and a Safeway with a killer deal on fried chicken and jojos for lunch most other days. I just can't stop eating crap.</div>
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Exercise, of course, became the enemy. Anything more than a walk hurt my body and I'd get winded rather quickly. I had trouble sleeping sometimes because I just didn't feel good. I've known I needed to make changes, and I've tried several times over the years, but none of it ever stuck or worked very long....the notable exception being the year I was roped into running Hood to Coast with my family and I was so scared of not being able to complete my legs that I forced myself to run pretty much every day for six months to prepare. I lost some weight and did just fine in the race, but as soon as it was over I felt like I never wanted to run ever again.</div>
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Then the pandemic hit. All of a sudden, my access to fast food was severed. I simply didn't leave the house and ate what we had here. Within three weeks, I had lost 12 pounds without doing really anything. Then I started jogging in the evenings. I'd always go about three miles, but usually walking the last two. Before long, I was making it the full three miles without stopping. While the weight loss hasn't been as drastic, it's been steady, and this morning, I weighed myself and I was down a full 30 pounds, from 258 to 228. I need to drop just a few more pounds to get my BMI out of the "obese" category, and let me tell you something....having that Wii Fit Board not say in it's chipper voice "that's obese!" every time I weigh myself is going to be the greatest thing ever.</div>
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I feel better. I'm not going to sit here and tell you I have boundless energy, and my skin is now perfect and my hair has gone from white to sandy brown or that I'm able to run marathons and bench press my car. It's not like that at all. But I sleep better. Laying in bed staring at the ceiling until 2 or 3 in the morning doesn't happen much these last few months. I've had more dreams in the past four months than probably in the previous ten years that I can remember - last night I was playing soccer with Alex Morgan in her twin sister Alice Morgan, who doesn't exist (I googled it. She has two sisters, Jeni and Jeri. They aren't twins.) There have been times over the past several years where I've had this dull pain in my left shoulder and chest area that I wondered if it was from sleeping on my side or if I was having a heart attack. I don't have that anymore, or at least it hasn't happened since February which seems like a longer than normal stretch between "episodes."</div>
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My phone tracks my steps and my miles traveled a day. I'm pretty sure the mileage is overstated, but the steps seem fairly accurate. My step count this year has gone from 7,209 per day in January to 14,330 in June. A lot of that is because I have time. I can go for a walk or a jog in the morning before work without waking up at 5:00 am because there's no commute anymore. If I don't shower until noon, nobody cares. I can walk after work because there's no sports to get my kids to.<br />
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But all the exercise in the world wasn't going to make up for the way I was eating. I used my credit card at Burger King AND McDonalds on March 13th. I don't remember what I got or why, but the fact that hitting up two fast food restaurants in a day wasn't significant enough for me to remember should tell you all you need to know. </div>
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So do I want this pandemic to end? Absolutely. This isn't about me. I want things to go back to as normal as possible. I want my kids to go to school in September. Our office has stated that people can continue to work from home until October 1st, but I'm planning on asking if I can make this permanent, and pointing to my health improvements as a reason why I should be allowed to continue to do so. I'm fortunate enough to work for an organization that I think will at least consider it, given my productivity level hasn't decreased.</div>
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But think about this: It took a worldwide pandemic that took the lives of hundreds of thousands of people for me to get serious about my eating habits. </div>
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<br />Andy Lassellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05845907876721858770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730106239887111659.post-46780954444324060142019-05-14T00:04:00.002-07:002019-05-14T00:04:53.291-07:00Bachelorette 2019 Week One: Release the Beast<br />
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Remember when you were a kid, and that first day of summer vacation started? The excitement, the feeling that anything was possible, that you were definitely going to have the BEST. TIME. EVER.<br />
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Then reality hits and it's just hot as balls and you're mostly spending your time by yourself on the couch playing the same video games you played after school the week before and the only thing you know how to cook is boiling hot dogs in water so every lunch is exactly the same and about the time you hit the first of August, you find yourself thinking "damn, I kinda want summer to be over so I can go back to school."<br />
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That's me with this franchise. Every season, I'm thinking it's going to be amazing, then it ends up being largely the same as every other season, and about halfway through I'm looking forward to something else.<br />
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But hey, this year, we've got Hannah Beast! She's different right? I have my doubts that she's good for TV different, but we'll see.<br />
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The episode starts with a preview montage of the season. Some dude says "Hannah is about as real as it gets. She's not an actress, she's not a movie star...she's just a real girl looking for love." A real girl....that was MISS FREAKING ALABAMA USA. As unreal as it gets. I only know one other Miss Alabama USA, and guess what...she's not a real girl looking for love either. She's married to a former Heisman Trophy runner up and was the target of Brent Musberger's affection during the 2013 College Football National Championship Game.<br />
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So no...Miss Alabama USA is not "a real girl." It's like calling Damian Lillard "just a guy who plays basketball." From there we get Hannah asserting that these guys "know nothing about her," which backs up my claim that these douchenozzles think she is "just a real girl looking for love."<br />
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Then we get the recap of Hannah's journey from doofus who couldn't make a toast to Bachelorette. We get her talking to a group of six year old ballerinas telling them to always be a part of something that makes them happy.....because there's lots of six year olds out there that need that message. Think it would've hit harder with a group of 14 year olds in 4H or band or something, but whatever. She gives the self-deprecating "I'm a lot to handle, so it's gonna take a real man to handle me" speech as she cavorts on the beach in a bikini. Let's get to the guys, because that's the real interesting part of this show.<br />
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Nope..first we get Demi and Katie...also known as America's first two choices for Bachelorette. They have a real minor cameo, and we start with Tyler the dancing contractor. He likes riding on boats with his dog.<br />
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Next up is Peter the pilot. He is spontaneous and wants to get lunch in New Orleans.<br />
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Mike the Air Force Portfolio Manager is next. His great grandma is awesome. She reminds me of Mama Odie from The Princess and the Frog.<br />
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Joe the Box King is like the most Chicago man ever. He's basically <a href="https://youtu.be/PDoYXZHK9aQ" target="_blank">Abe Froman</a> in a different profession.<br />
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Matt Donald, the scarf wearing able eared farmer from a deaf family seems like a lot to handle.<br />
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Connor the baby faced car saleseman is like a Moderately Rich Asian.<br />
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Meathead Luke lets us know that he smashed a lot of women in college, but it didn't fulfill him. Thankfully he met God in the shower. This guy needs his own show. I'm fascinated by him.<br />
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ABC smartly shuts down the vignettes then, because you can't top that guy.<br />
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Here come the limos! Golf Pro Garrett is from Alabama as well, and wants to be her "Hole in One." Meh.<br />
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Air Force Mike gives her five words that start with C and then asks if she "got all that." Mama Odie would not be happy.<br />
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Jed from Nashville says his family told him to shine inside and outside, but he looks like he just crapped inside his pants he's so nervous. Jed's got some work to do.<br />
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Tyler the Dancing Contractor tells Hannah he had to fly all the way from Florida just to meet her and that he's "Got something in store" for her inside. I hate Tyler.<br />
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Dylan looks like an extra in a James Bond movie, but lacks all of 007's charisma.<br />
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Tall Connor from Texas jumps a fence, because we've gotta do that all the time now.<br />
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Devin is a talent manager. His ice breaker is to joke that he's a virgin. Devin sucks.<br />
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Jon Paul Jones is basically a poor man's MacGyver (the new one, not the good one), but with terrible interpersonal skills.<br />
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Nevermind, Math Teacher Brian has terrible interpersonal skills. Laughs uncontrollably.<br />
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Nevermind, Software Sales Scott has the WORST interpersonal skills. He might pass out if he stops talking.<br />
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Matteo fakes like he's nervous, but he seems like he knows what he's doing.<br />
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Daron walks the wrong way.<br />
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Creepy Eyed Tyler is uncomfortable to look at.<br />
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Tyler the former pro basketball player says this tops playing hoops internationally. Smooth.<br />
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Matt is a car bid spotter. He works in the same town as Moderately Rich Asian Connor. I hope they know each other.<br />
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A forklift brings a giant box. Hannah says "What's this? It's a big package....heyyyyyyyy!" She's adorable, I don't care what you think. Unfortunately inside the box is Joe, who apparently can only speak in box/package/container jokes. Joe sucks.<br />
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Joey brings a bottle of wine in a baby carrier. I don't get it.<br />
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Moderately Rich Asian Connor speaks French.<br />
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Ryan is on rollerblades and says "Roll Tide." Hunter the pro surfer wants help with his tie so they can "tie the knot." Unemployed Grant makes a sausage party joke filled with condiment puns. one dude brings a pizza. Shower Angel Luke was apparently on the After the Final Rose episode, but I've already forgotten him. I don't remember any of the guys from After the Final Rose...oh wait...the rapping guy. Hip Hop Cam has been in the lab y'all....he drops a Nick Saban reference in tonight's freestyle.<br />
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Matt Donald shows up on a tractor and sings a dorky version of "Old MacDonald." Props to the guys already in the house peeking around the corner getting all excited for the new guys ice breakers.<br />
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A couple of pilots show up - Peter and Chasen. That should be fun, as they both lost their perceived trump card.....side note...100 years from now, will Trump be a word that nobody can use anymore because of its negative connotations? Like how people can't say "call a spade a spade" anymore?<br />
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Back at the house, Hannah is praying to God to give her words to make her feel worthy and smart. Not a good start. She gives a decent speech about how she's not perfect and she's not expecting them to be...she just wants real.<br />
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Luke comes on strong and talks constantly. The next guy...I think Air Force Mike...lets her do most of the talking. I like his strategy better. Moderately Rich Asian plays minute to win it games at a dorky "Bachelorette Party" he puts together for her. I'm not sure that screams husband material, but maybe it's what Hannah likes. Another guy says he thinks Hannah just wants honesty...maybe because she said exactly that ten minutes ago.<br />
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Oh good, Katie and Demi are back in a surveillance van! This could be a great feature of the show...just have past cast members in a van drinking champagne and making snarky comments...or maybe just let me do it. That's like my dream job. Demi says someone reached out to her on social media to let her know that one of the guys had a girlfriend.....because that makes total sense to alert Demi to this potential problem.<br />
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Socially awkward Scott is apparently our dude with a secret girlfriend. I wonder what the benefit is to Scott to be the sacrificial lamb to get chewed out and dogged on national television to show the other guys that this is serious and she's not here to play games. Scott is basically a prop. How is this appearance beneficial to Scott in any way? Scott actually says "Was I dating girl up until Monday? Yes. Was she someone that I wanted to marry long term? No." So short term marriage then?<br />
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Scott tries to argue that she was just dating Colton, so it's basically the same thing....and he's gone. She walks him through the room with all the other men and basically commands him to follow her like a puppy. This was a little over the top, honestly. I think we could've done something a little more subtle to get the point across that Hannah needed guys to be open an honest with her.<br />
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Then we get a montage of guys assuring Hannah that they're so excited to be there for her. I'll guess a few of them will be proven to not be by the end of this. Shower Angel Luke gets the first impression rose, and I have no idea what to think anymore. Clearly Hannah and I are not compatible.<br />
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Other guys are sweating their incompatibility. But of course....they blame SCOTT. Like when in college your buddy says he was "just about to seal the deal" with some girl, but then the cops showed up, or some other act of God intervened.<br />
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Air Force Mike, Tall Connor, Matthew the Car Bid Spotter, Moderately Rich Asian Connor, Singin' Jed, Dustin (who looks like a chubby bearded Russell Wilson), Joey, Devin the non-virgin, Pilot Pete, Dorky 007 Dylan, Matteo, Pizza Server Jonathan, one of the Tylers, the other Tyler with the creepy eyes, Daron, other Luke, Golf Pro Garrett, Unemployed Grant, Kevin, and Poor Man's MacGyver join Rappin' Cam in the winners circle.<br />
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Not sure I have a favorite, but I'm glad Shower Angel Luke is sticking around. He's got the most potential for absurd moments going forward!<br />
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<br />Andy Lassellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05845907876721858770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730106239887111659.post-38692129688258003212019-03-04T23:50:00.001-08:002019-03-04T23:50:23.239-08:00Bachelor 29, Week....WHO CARES HE JUMPED THE FENCE!Colton's in Portugal! He's here to get down to business, as he shows up with his duffel bag and heads straight to his hotel room. Totally reminded me of that love kit that Kenny "Special K" Fisher toted around with him in Can't Hardly Wait.<br />
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Tayshia is up first. She's gonna get first crack at taking his V-card. They start with a helicopter ride to have a picnic on a rock overlooking the ocean. The nerves on this date are off the charts. They basically have small talk ("Thank you for bringing me on this date!" "It's easy when you're just being yourself." "I thought your hometown went really well.")<br />
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And then they have some weird sex talk about how his jeans are too tight and how she knows how to loosen them up and oh my god this is going to be excruciating. Are we gonna go through two hours of ridiculous sexual innuendo?<br />
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Dinner conversation focuses on Tayshia's boobs. Colton can't stop staring as she makes sure to let us all know her boobie tape isn't doing it's job. Colton kisses her and then tells her "thank you" for some random reason. Then her boob pops out and she says "that was a nip slip" and Colton says "I saw that one!"<br />
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WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE.<br />
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Can you imagine having to spend all dinner talking about how important having sex is and making constant references to your virginity? What an awkward meal. Tayshia then lets everyone know that her husband cheated on her after 18 months of marriage. She says that her husband was "the first person she had sex with" but definitely did not say he was "the only" person. Colton then tells her that "if it's us" he will never cheat on her.<br />
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I can't get over this.......he's definitely going to have sex with two other women this week right? So basically "I'll never cheat on you, but just hold on a sec while I sex up these two blonde chicks. Then I'm all yours."<br />
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This is SO uncomfortable to watch. He pops some champagne emphatically, which was definitely not a metaphor for anything. Then he leads her through the suite, pausing to admire the bathtub ringed by candles and full of bubbles that they didn't set up themselves. I wonder what the producers were thinking as they drew that bath....."I'm totally in Portugal running a bath to set the mood for this dude to lose his virginity. My job is the best!"<br />
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The morning after there's a lot of hand holding and furtive glances, but I kind of get the idea that no sex was had. Confirmed. No sex. Colton couldn't handle it. Not that I blame him....that's a hell of a lot of pressure for Colton to deal with. MILLIONS OF PEOPLE set their DVR to see if you had sex for the first time. What a mindfuck that is.<br />
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Cassie gets her turn. They drive a convertible around Portugal. They eat at an outdoor cafe. They buy matching pjs at a store. They walk down a cobblestone street and make out in front of a street band. They make out in an alleyway that looks like it definitely needs a high speed car chase.<br />
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Instead they just make out against the wall of a building. We come back from commercial break, and now they're on top of a building making out. Time for another picnic!<br />
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On this picnic they discuss that Cassie's dad did not give Colton his blessing to marry her. She's a little miffed....like she had no idea that this happened. Colton, after all season talking about how important getting a father's blessing was to him, tells Cassie that it has no bearing on his feelings about her or their relationship. Cassie is shook. She doesn't know how to handle this situation. I don't remember perfectly, but did Cassie's dad outright say no? Or did he just say "take some time before you do this," which is essentially what Tayshia's dad said when he told them that you "can't microwave a relationship."<br />
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What seems clear to me is that there will be no sex in this fantasy suite either. Cassie's going to be thinking about her disapproving father the entire time, and that won't be a good situation for anyone.<br />
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Cassie's dad is in Portugal! Now there's definitely no sex being had. He's here to explain his lack of a blessing. He asks her point blank if she's in love with him, and Cassie's answer is "I think so. Yes. I don't know." Aaaaaaaaaaand Cassie's got her exit strategy. Props to Cassie's dad for playing the "no daughter of mine is going to make an irrational decision about the rest of her life" role to let his daughter save face from having to look like a monster who's been leading Colton on.<br />
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Dad's final advice is "just be brutally honest with him." Fantastic. Colton will totally understand that.<br />
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Colton's plan 100% is to have sex with Cassie. Oh dear. Cassie drops the "my dad was here today" bomb, and Colton's penis goes full turtle mode. You can see the "I'm not losing my virginity tonight" realization hit him like a Randy Johnson fastball. He can't get out of the way, he's just gotta wear it. Colton asks if she's planning on leaving, and she says yes. Then she says "Like I wonder if I would've been sure by now....I don't know." That's not even remotely a coherent thought. Then, she just up and walks out.<br />
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I feel for you Colton, I really do. You had a plan, you tried to stick to that plan despite everyone warning you that your plan had a major flaw in that the girl didn't love you, and then it blew up in your face. Colton tries to salvage the relationship by saying "I'm OK with being patient. I don't want to lose you." Cassie's now gotta just lower the "I'm never going to love you" boom on him as gently as possible. I don't think she's going to be able to do it gently.<br />
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Colton is now basically telling her it's been her since Thailand and that he doesn't really care about the other women. He's pretty much begging her to love him back, and she's just like "I'm so conflicted, this is gonna be over in two weeks!" Colton says "I want it to be you, engagement or not," and Cassie responds "How can you say that with two other girls here?" and the look Colton gives her is freaking priceless. It's basically "Goddamnit ABC, this is your fucking fault. I would've dumped them all a month ago." Of course, Cassie should understand this as well, that he's gotta go through the motions to make the show last ten episodes.<br />
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They then embrace, as Cassie stares STRAIGHT INTO THE CAMERA. Best moment ever on this show. It was a look that was equal parts "I feel terrible about what I'm doing to this guy" and "did you get the shot?"<br />
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Cassie says "I can't do this" and Colton says "I don't care if you leave, I'm not going to stop fighting for you," followed almost immediately by "So that's it," and getting up and walking away.<br />
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What Colton really meant was "I'll never stop fighting for you...so long as we're both sitting on this couch."<br />
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And....he's gone. Fence jump achieved. Ace tracker Chris Harrison is called in to bring him back. He hears a dog barking and says "well a dog is barking over there" followed by six dudes just running aimlessly around in the dark yelling "Colton!" over and over like the family dog just got loose. Just....incredible. Nobody wants the women tell all tomorrow night. Push that shit to next week and give me more Chris Harrison and some producers with flashlights in Portugal.<br />
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<br />Andy Lassellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05845907876721858770noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730106239887111659.post-54130707414140037122019-02-27T06:53:00.001-08:002019-02-27T15:27:54.270-08:00Bachelor 2019, Hometowns: Asking Permission<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hometowns are typically my least favorite episode, because it's always just the same 25 minute date four times in a row. They do some activity that is usually not exciting (my town has horse drawn carriages! Here's my high school! I used to get in so much trouble in this park!) and then the families get their moment of fame.<br />
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I'll be honest, I barely paid attention. I know Cassie's dad went with the "Nothing you do or say will impress me" bit, and Hannah had the old dad, and Tayshia's dad was the "lemme be real with you" dad, and Caelynn had the dad who isn't really her dad and knows what it means to earn Caelynn's love dad. And that's really what this episode was all about. Asking dads for permission to marry their daughters.<br />
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I was kind of taken aback by Bachelor Twitter being so up in arms about this. There seemed to be three general beefs with the asking the father bit:<br />
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<b>She's an Independent Woman, She Can Make Her Own Decision!</b><br />
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STOP ASKING MALE PARENTAL FIGURES FOR *PERMISSION* TO MARRY A WOMAN. (Yes, this is the hill I will die on.) <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/TheBachelor?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#TheBachelor</a></div>
— Emma Gray (@emmaladyrose) <a href="https://twitter.com/emmaladyrose/status/1100203894439923712?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 26, 2019</a></blockquote>
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Here's the thing - 150 years ago, you probably needed a father's permission to marry his daughter. It was how things worked back then. But like most things with time, this has changed, hasn't it? Now, it's more of a "I'm declaring my love for your daughter, I hope you're on board with that." I would venture to guess that most guys talk about marriage with their girlfriends before going to her dad about it. And I would venture to guess that even if the dad said "I'm not so cool with this," most guys are going to ask anyways, because it is the woman's decision, not her father's. But you know, Twitter got big mad about this anyways.<br />
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<b>Why Didn't You Ask The Moms, You SEXIST PIG?</b><br />
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What 👏🏻 about 👏🏻 mom's 👏🏻 approval 👏🏻 though? <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/TheBachelor?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#TheBachelor</a></div>
— Kristen Baldwin (@KristenGBaldwin) <a href="https://twitter.com/KristenGBaldwin/status/1100217919638781954?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 26, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<b><br /></b>You know why you don't ask for mom's approval? Mom will give you her opinion without you even asking. No mom in the history of moms has not made it abundantly clear if she's cool with you marrying her child from the get go. Colton probably knew the answer from all the moms by the way they passed the potatoes at dinner.<br />
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Also, Colton says he did ask:<br />
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SPOILER ALERT: I did <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/TheBachelor?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#TheBachelor</a> <a href="https://t.co/HI4cYXJsQh">https://t.co/HI4cYXJsQh</a></div>
— Colton Underwood (@colton) <a href="https://twitter.com/colton/status/1100229981412573185?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 26, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<b>How Can He Ask Permission From These Men When He Knows He's Not Proposing to Three of Their Daughters?</b><br />
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<b>Example Tweet</b><br />
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Honestly, I think it’s shitty that they ask every dad for permission. It’s one thing to lead on the girl, but to make her whole family get THAT invested is kind of messed up. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/TheBachelor?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#TheBachelor</a></div>
— Bach Tweets (@BachBatch) <a href="https://twitter.com/BachBatch/status/1100208683068391426?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 26, 2019</a></blockquote>
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<b><br /></b>You guys have seen this show before, right? I think this happens every season. The Bachelor says something like "I'd like to know I have your blessing," and the dad pauses for an awkwardly long time, then says "Son," pauses again for an awkwardly long time, then says something like "IF she's the one at the end, and IF you two keep progressing in your relationship, and IF she accepts your proposal, then you have my blessing."<br />
<b> </b><br />
And I think that's the important takeaway here....it's a TV show. This is not real life. You don't meet four girls' families in a week. you don't get to the point of wanting to marry four girls at once, you don't take twelve girls to Phuket or Istanbul or Venice or wherever they go. It's all entertainment. I guarantee if ABC had good footage of Colton asking a mom for mpermission, they'd have shown it. If the mom freaks out and says no....that'd be in there. But a majority of this country grew up in a patriarchal society, so we're comfortable with the construct of a guy asking for a daughter's hand in marriage. (Side note: I cringed every time Colton said "man to man...." during the episode. Like, stop trying to put yourself on the level of the girl's dad. You're not there yet, and even if you were, you pretend like you aren't. I could see forward thinking women all across the country pouring themselves another glass of wine every time those words came out of his mouth.)<br />
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Anyways, Caelynn went home, and Tayshia's probably next and we're going to be left with the two young blonde girls without any baggage or any sort of personality really.....just like Arie picked Lauren last year. Are all the winners really young and blonde, or is that just the perception? When I think of The Bachelor, I think of a dude proposing to Emily Maynard every time. Andy Lassellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05845907876721858770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730106239887111659.post-21359441585985378602019-02-20T00:06:00.000-08:002019-02-20T00:08:16.540-08:00Bachelor 2019, Week Six: WHO DO YOU BELIEVEWe're still in Vietnam and Colton's giving us another Blair Witch style vlog.......We can't get this guy a kickstand for his phone? Colton reminds us that as the competition continues and the remaining ladies dwindle, the decisions he make get bigger and mean more. Thanks for explaining to us how competitions work.<br />
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"Hey Steph Curry, as you move on to the Western Conference Finals, how do you feel?"<br />
"Well I mean, these games don't mean as much as the games back in the first round or in the regular season you know. It's pretty relaxed."<br />
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Vietnam ends our overseas adventure, as we head back to Denver....which means a visit with Ben Higgins. Ben let's Colton know that nothing he's done yet will prepare him for the hometowns and what's coming up. These are problems that will make you jump a fence.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This still hasn't happened, btw</td></tr>
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Ben Higgins seems like a fine individual, but he is like the opposite of what I want to see on my TV. Being a good listener does not make for entertainment in my book. He gives solid, common sense advice (be honest about how you're feeling, level with the girls) and sends Colton on his merry way.<br />
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Colton and his dog are waiting for the ladies, and he immediately dismisses six of them to take a walk in the park with Tayshia. They walk all over downtown with his ancient labrador....seriously that dog looks exhausted and not at all like a city dog. They wander into an ice cream shop, and then buy salmon for dinner....and then stop for a drink? Don't you need to get that salmon into a fridge rather quickly?<br />
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Colton recaps the fact that all the ladies that left last week told him to watch his back, and that he knows they weren't talking about Tayshia. How he knows this is beyond me, because he didn't ask Sydney or Demi or Katie who they were talking about.<br />
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Back at the house, Caelynn and Cassie discuss how nasty is was of the girls to "drop bombs" on Colton before they left, but "at least they didn't name names," which is a weird thing to say unless you think that they were talking about you. Of course they follow this up by saying that nobody left s all the close with them, so even if they do say something they can be like "you can't speak about me, you don't know me!"<br />
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Tayshia, meanwhile, has no qualms saying that it's Cassie and Caelynn. They're talking about being the next bachelorette and that they aren't going to be ready to get engaged and talking about where they're going to go and what people they're going to meet after the show.<br />
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First off......how many conversations have you ever had about the people you're going to meet in the future? This just seems like a real weird conversation to have. Colton's genuinely freaking out, and says "I had no questions for Cassie and Caelynn....and now I do." Really? No questions? So you were prepared to propose to either of them? By process of elimination by the way, we can determine that Colton thinks one of the Hannahs, Heather or Kirpa is the problem....or at least that's what he's telling us.<br />
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Tayshia is prepping Colton for her family, and basically is saying that her dad is not cool with her dating on television and he's gonna be predisposed to hate Colton, in part because of how hurt she was by the end of her last relationship. Colton fires back that he's not proposing if he doesn't have the father's blessing. "Call me old fashioned" he says. My opinion on asking the father's blessing is that you're not so much asking for permission anymore as you are giving the dad a heads up. Sort of a respect thing. I'm trying to think if my wife's parents had said no if I would've just broken up with her. I'm 99% sure I would've proposed to her anyways, though maybe not in front of her parents like I did. That probably would've been awkward.<br />
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Also, it's curious to me that Tayshia kept saying "my last relationship" while talking to Colton, but used the phrase "my divorce" at the end after he gives her the rose. Is she downplaying it, trying not to draw attention to the divorce thing? Like he'll forget she was married if she just calls it a relationship? A quick google search revealed to me that she actually dated some dude between her divorce and the start of the show....so was her dad more upset about the couple months boyfriend than the divorce, or is she conveniently forgetting to mention that guy to Colton? Also, this is why I typically try to avoid reading anything online about the show because I want to experience the show in a bubble. It's way more fun to me to see the show as ABC is trying to present it and take everyone at their word. It's hard to make fun of people when you know they're playing a role or just repeating something a producer whispered in their ear.<br />
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Colton and Caelynn go snowboarding, and she super sucks. Nonetheless, Colton tells her she's a natural and that he was very proud of her effort. Thanks coach!<br />
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He then drops the bomb on Caelynn that Tayshia is talking about her being there for the wrong reasons. Caelynn please her case, telling Colton that only she knows if she's ready for marriage, and guess what, she totally is! Immediately Caelynn turns into a mob boss, talking about F that girl for putting my name in her mouth and how she better get a rose so she can call "that stupid bitch out." Wow. Also, this just reminded me that three weeks ago Caelynn shared a super personal, emotional and moving story about being a sexual assault survivor....and literally nobody remembers that anymore. Now she's the girl with the potty mouth that is ready to punch a ho for spreading lies. She also makes sure to tell us that she's the only one falling in love with Colton. Awesome little drop there. Nobody loves him like I do.<br />
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After some tears from both of them in interviews, they have dinner and Caelynn has changed her tune. No more attempting to plot how to kill Tayshia, now it's all "I'm so in love with you and I want babies and I pray to God that it's us at the end of this." Colton is convinced, and they kiss and a rose is conveyed. So now he feels that Tayshia lied to him? Is he going to discuss this with her? I bet not.<br />
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Hannah B. gets the final one on one of the week, so that means Hannah G, Kirpa, and Heather are group dating it, which makes sense because they all got one on ones in Asia, but of course they flip out and think it means he's not into them, even though he just made out with them all over Vietnam.<br />
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Caelynn and Cassie have a very staged, very unbelievable conversation about how they can't believe Tayshia would say things like that about Caelynn. Caelynn of course confronts Tayshia, who is totally down to discuss this.<br />
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Tayshia then tells Caelynn that she has no real proof of her doing anything wrong, just that she talked to all the other girls, and they came to the same conclusion that the other girls must be talking about Cassie and Caelynn.<br />
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So a group of girls got together to discuss who they think is a fake ass skank and came up with.....THE ONLY TWO GIRLS THAT WEREN'T IN THE CONVERSATION! SHOCKING! Also, Tayshia definitely made it sound like she had heard these conversations that Cassie and Caelynn allegedly had, right? So why didn't that come up when she was talking directly to Caelynn? Her whole argument was that her and the other girls assume Cassie and her are fake because it's clearly not themselves! Tayshia is dead to me. Get her out of here.<br />
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At least the next date is Hannah B., who is way too crazy to be fake. Colton takes Hannah to meet his family. I don't know that is a great sign for Hannah B....I don't remember someone getting the family date mid-season actually being the winner at the end.<br />
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Colton's dad basically tells him not to trust any of the ladies over his own gut. Colton's dad seems like a good dude. Colton's dad asks him to tell him about Hannah, and Colton says she's incredible and amazing and she told him she loves him.....but he's not there yet. He then says he's 100% sure of Tayshia and Caelynn, even though he knows one of them is lying to him.<br />
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This is why Colton is an idiot.<br />
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Really seems like he's about to dump Hannah B. because he's just not that into her. Way to take her to meet your parents then, bro. If you're his parents, aren't you like "WTF did we just do that for? Great to see you and all, but you brought us a lame duck?"<br />
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Colton asks Hannah what makes her so sure about her feelings for him. She says she doesn't date to date, she dates for marriage, which is important at her ripe old age of 24. Apparently it's still 1754 in Alabama. Hannah continues to tell him how sure she is, while he doesn't smile once. She's toast. Colton basically says he's not ready for Hannah, so she's done because he can't shake her father's hand if he has any doubts about their relationship.<br />
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Hannah handles this like a champ. She basically doesn't beg him for anything, says "I've given you what I've got, not sure what else you want." Colton then says "I'm sure there's someone out there for you, to which Hannah basically responds "not shit dude." Hannah might be my favorite exit ever here.<br />
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Colton then acknowledges that he's a complete moron for sending a girl home that he knows is there for the right reasons. Good for him, but still, c'mon bro.<br />
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Back at the house, the girls all look shocked that Hannah went home, but you know they understand that means they don't have to win the group date rose to stay around....so good for them.<br />
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The group date is a train ride. I love the train, so Colton is definitely winning my heart on this one. Colton cautions the girls that they need to be sure about their relationship. Heather basically jumps up and says "well that's it for me! See ya bud!" Colton is also cool with this decision, so they share Heather's first last kiss and she hops on the train leaving the other girls and Colton stranded in the middle of nowhere until the next train shows up.<br />
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Kirpa and Hannah G. talk about how Cassie's gotta know the other girls are talking about her motivations and she shouldn't be surprised they hate her. Good times. Cassie pleads her case, and Colton seems to buy it. He asks Kirpa who is doing things right and wrong, and Kirpa says that Cassie and Caelynn "acted defensive" when Colton told them about Katie's warning. Colton then is basically like "durrrrr...idk.....what do I do?"<br />
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Kirpa and Cassie then start yelling at each other about what Katie said while Colton waits patiently six feet away off camera...I'm assuming at least. There's nowhere else for him to go right? He had to hear that whole thing. He's only sending one girl home here, and it would seem Hannah G. is safe as he just made out with her harder than any other girl last week in Vietnam, so it's either Cassie or Kirpa in my mind. He backed Caelynn, will he back Cassie too, or is he going to try to split the difference and say "well maybe one girl was being shady, I'll put my money on it being Cassie and Cassie only."<br />
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Colton gives Hannah G. the rose and sends her back to the other girls to tell them what happened. Hannah G. then says that Cassie and Kirpa had an altercation where they each stated their opinions. VERRRY descriptive Hannah!.<br />
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All of a sudden, Caelynn just waltzes into the group date. I love that the group date happens while the girls that are safe are just down the hall. Phenomenal. Caelynn basically says "don't send my friend home, she's awesome and the other girl is a lying liar." That's good enough for Colton, as he sends Kirpa home.<br />
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Incredible that he kept Tayshia around despite clearly not believing her that Caelynn and Cassie are fame whores. He sent literally everyone else that had a problem with the two of them home this week. What super sucks is that these girls aren't really going to see each other again save for rose ceremonies the rest of the season. <br />
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<br />Andy Lassellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05845907876721858770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730106239887111659.post-50351564563683493402019-02-11T23:36:00.001-08:002019-02-11T23:38:23.565-08:00Bachelor 2019, Week 5: Colton's Been Warned (again, and again, and again.....)We pick up where we left off - with Colton walking down the beach. I've never seen a guy who handled confrontation so poorly. Every time the girls get grouchy with each other and look to him to settle the dispute and he has to head off by himself and the producers have to send out the Bat-Signal to scramble Chris Harrison from wherever he is to talk him down.<br />
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Onyeka and Nicole keep their silly feud up, with Onyeka saying the classic line "nobody here can say that I bullied them....except for you." Onyeka then proceeds to interrupt and talk over Nicole, all the while proclaiming innocence in this spat. She's awful. Nicole's not much better. Colton is a dummy.<br />
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Rose ceremony time! Colton talks about how emotional and hard it is for him to hear two girls argue about something that doesn't even involve him. How hard it is to get rid of two girls he's barely given a minute of time to when he's got a dozen or so other girls he clearly likes more just waiting to comfort him. C'mon son.<br />
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As if there was any doubt, Onyeka and Nicole are sent home as the last rose goes to Sydney. Nicole, as is her way, cries on the way out. I don't know if it's telling or not, but Nicole hugs all the girls and says goodbye and Onyeka just bounces without so much as a wave. I think we know who the girls sided with in this argument.<br />
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Next stop Vietnam! Let's get Colton's selfie vlog for the week. The sheer number of cuts in this forty-five second video makes me think it probably took him twenty minutes to get out four coherent sentences. The girls take a tour of the resort and oooh and ahh at all the things that look exactly like the last resort they stayed at. And look, I get that everyone has the urge to yell "Good morning, Vietnam!" but it's one of those jokes that you know is gonna be stupid before you say it. Also, I'd be willing to bet none of those girls have seen a move that came out before they were all born. I haven't seen the movie. It's never on TV, and it's not in the Redbox. I'd say 75 to 80% of the viewers haven't seen the movie, and probably don't know what that line is from.<br />
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Hannah G gets the first one on one of the week and they make out wrapped up in seaweed. They make out in mud. They make out in a shower. It's like a PG-13 version of a Dr. Seuss book.<br />
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Would you could you in a shrub? Would you, could you in a tub? Try it, Try it, and you'll see!<br />
Say, I do like Hannah G. And I will kiss her in a bush. And I will touch her perfect tush!<br />
<br />
If Colton likes you, he's gonna make out with you. If he wants to be your gay best friend, he'll talk to you about why he's a virgin. End of story.<br />
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Hannah asks him what his favorite part of the day was, and she can't even finish her sentence before he blurts out "the shower!" God, what a child. Hannah does the best she can to keep him from getting too excited, calmly saying "I like showering too."<br />
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Hannah then tells her story of her parents divorce, and how she knew it was over when her mom drove across the lawn that her dad mowed three times a week.......which then leads Colton to say he doesn't talk about his parents divorce much either. You know who doesn't talk about their parents divorce much?<br />
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This is gonna blow your mind<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">EVERYONE!</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td></tr>
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Seriously.....my parents got divorced when I was around ten. It sucked. It sucks for everyone involved, every single time. You know how often that comes up? NEVER. Nobody wants to hear about it, nobody wants to relive that, and almost always everyone ends up just fine in the end and you realize that it's probably for the best that the marriage ended when it did. So don't act like you're more ready for marriage because your parents got divorced.<br />
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The group date starts with Colton fighting off a couple of Vietnamese ninjas. Ah yes, the group date where we teach a bunch of emotional girls to punch, then have them practice on each other and act shocked when someone takes it too far or someone gets hurt.<br />
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Up first is Heather and Sydney, who shriek and hug each other for a couple minutes. Hannah B. and Cassie go next, and it's not much better. Honestly, I'm shocked they didn't make Hannah and Caelyn punch each other for old times sake. Finally, Demi and Katie duke it out. Katie is here to win and punches Demi in the face a couple times. Demi is not pleased. She basically curls up in a ball and curses the heavens that this happened to her. Colton looks like having girls fight is not a sexy as he thought it'd be. He cancels the rest of the fights, which I think was a strategic play to make sure Caelyn and Tayshia didn't get their pretty faces bruised. Colton says "I wanted this to be fun for everyone." Really? Who thinks punching each other is fun in a competitive setting? Nobody wants to get beat in front of a guy that can dump you based on the results of your stupid boxing match.<br />
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I love that as they walk away from the Vietnamese dojo, Demi is holding the trophy. Of course Colton gives the trophy to the worst participant. That's so on point for him.<br />
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Tayshia and Colton talk about their relationship in broad generalities that never really get to what they actually feel. Tayshia says she doesn't know how she's feeling, but it's because she's been burned before and she wants Colton to have that curiosity about her as well. Colton says he likes her because she's calming and he looks forward to these moments every week and he wants to know more about her everytime he sees her because he's never dated this many women before. They kiss and apparently they're both good now.<br />
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Katie gets her one on one time, and she cries about how she doesn't want Colton to think she's not trying. Colton says he likes seeing her doubt herself because.....I'm not sure why. Something about different sides of her and how seeing someone be neurotic and self conscious makes him get a clearer picture of who she is.<br />
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Up next is Hannah B., who decides not to show Colton a different side. She just shows him her teeth and crazy eyes and giggles a lot. Her days are numbered I think. They then do a ninja stick competition, which pisses Sydney off. Sydney is not a play with a stick kind of girl. She's serious and mature, and she wants Colton to know that.<br />
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She goes straight in on Colton basically saying "I would rather be doing this on a one on one date, but god damnit you haven't given me a one-on-one date and I need to know why!" Colton responds by saying "I'm just not that into you" without actually saying it. It was a masterful sidestep really.<br />
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Demi calls her mom, who is out of jail with Colton. This is apparently her ploy to show him a different side of her. But when you're on speaker phone with your boyfriend and you have to tell your mom you're proud of her for making it through jail and that you "know she's being a good girl," does that actually help him picture a life with you down the road? To me, it says "holy buckets, this girl's mom was in jail....and not for the first time!" That's a hard hurdle to overcome when you've got plenty of attractive, smart women who don't have felons for mothers you can date. I think this was the first mistake Demi has made.<br />
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Tayshia and Sydney continue to chide the other girls for having fun and giggling. Love is serious apparently, and you're enjoying your time you clearly aren't there for the right reasons. Sydney then goes back to Colton and asks for more attention from him. Colton really REALLY hates being questioned, and bristles at the fact that Sydney isn't appreciative of his methods. Then Sydney goes further, saying he's been making easy decisions with his roses and his date choices - basically saying he's a horny dumbass distracted by big boobs and shiny lights. Sydney then basically dumps him, saying this isn't working for her. Colton says he's upset, but doesn't really say why. I'm sure Sydney thinks it's because she's leaving, but I think it's because she called him shallow....she even says "Don't get distracted by shiny things" as she leaves! I mean, it would just be easier to just say "Tayshia. You should pick Tayshia."<br />
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Colton then gives a speech to the other women about how Sydney leaving made him think about how much more he can give to all of the remaining women. IMMEDIATELY, he gives the rose to Tayshia, which seems to be the opposite message from what he just said. Whatever dude, you do you.<br />
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Kirpa gets the final date of the week, and miraculously, her chin is completely healed. No mark whatsoever. It's been what, a week since she got stitched up? I call shenanigans. Colton then takes a girl on a boat ride for the third date in the last four. At least on this one, there's an activity.....diving for urchins! They catch one urchin, then get back on the boat. There's very little making out. Usually not a good sign with this guy.<br />
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Kirpa opens up about her previous engagement. They were together for eight years! He was saving himself for marriage despite being with the same woman for eight years! Kirpa is 26. She was with the same dude from high school on for eight years, they got engaged, and they didn't have sex, and then they broke up before getting married? HOW ARE YOU WITH SOMEONE FOR EIGHT YEARS AND BREAK UP BEFORE GETTING MARRIED? This just blows my mind. At no point in eight years did you reach a point where you thought "maybe this guy isn't the one" and then you get engaged and now figure it out?<br />
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Here are my options for how this went down:<br />
<br />
<span dir="ltr"><span class="_3l3x">1. She cheated on him, and that's what caused the engagement to be called off.<br />2. She made some very poor decisions in high school.<br />3. She started dating the kid next door when she was 10, they got "engaged" in middle school, then broke up after high school.<br />4.
This relationship started normally enough....maybe when she's a junior
in high school. They broke up a year ago, Kirpa was way past ready to
have sex, and went crazy for a year or so before ending up on the
Bachelor.</span></span> <br />
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She then says that she doesn't want to get engaged again unless she's sure it's the right person, but tells Colton that she feels like she'd be open to getting engaged next month if things keep progressing as they are. She says this without smiling and with barely any eye contact. I don't believe her.<br />
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Demi's decided it's time to have sex with CoCo as she calls him. This is either going to be amazing for her or completely backfire.<br />
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It backfires immediately. Colton sits her down on the couch and tells her she's not the one and it's not going to happen and sends her home. Holy hell. I mean, I knew he wasn't going to pick the tiny sexpot with the felon mom and the outgoing personality, but I didn't think he'd just cut her straight off before a rose ceremony. Honestly, this is the best thing that could've happened to Demi though. She instantly went from the crazy villain to a sympathetic girl from a broken home who just got dumped. People will love her now, and she'll be a sneaky dark horse candidate for Bachelorette.<br />
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Rose Ceremony time! Colton skips the cocktail party, sending Chris Harrison to tell the ladies so that they can appropriately freak out. In the end, it comes down to Katie and Heather. He gives the rose to Heather. Katie doesn't seem pleased. The conversation he had with Katie definitely made it seem like he was looking forward to continuing the journey with her. She's not having it. She tells Colton that she wished she got more time with him. Colton says he was excited about her, but she didn't "let him in." Katie then tells him the same thing Sydney did: "be smart about the girls who are left."<br />
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Colton then amazingly says that he dumped Demi because he thought Sydney was talking about her, and implies that he dumped Katie because he thought Demi was warning him about her. Now he doesn't know who Katie's talking about. So he does what Colton does...Immediately tells the group what some girl just told him privately. Bizarrely, Tayshia turns to Kirpa and says "let's take this thing. It's going to be the two of us at the end. I can feel it." OK...........<br />
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Then we get previews of Colton jumping the fence, girls crying, Colton crying....it's all very strange. Maybe we'll get answers next week, but I sort of doubt it. They've got a lot of mileage out of this fence jumping thing, seems like a Week 9 sort of thing.Andy Lassellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05845907876721858770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730106239887111659.post-45986552858506466202019-02-05T08:24:00.004-08:002019-02-05T08:24:52.630-08:00Bachelor 2019, Week 5: Cry-landThailand! Thailand has a reputation of being a very un-virgin location, yeah? This should be interesting.<br />
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I always crack up thinking about the person who ding dong ditches and leaves a date card. Like are the girls told to wait thirty seconds before heading to the door, or is some production assistant on a dead sprint into the bushes to get out of the shot? How many times have they had to turn the girl around and say "you grabbed the card too fast, can you go back inside and come out again....only this time look more nervous!"<br />
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As the girls discuss obvious things like "I feel like the girls who have had one-on-one dates are further along with Colton than the rest of us," Heather is awarded the first one-on-one of the episode. She's definitely going to have her "first kiss" on national television. Do we really buy that a girl as attractive as her has never been kissed? Maybe we're talking no tongue?<br />
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Before we get into her date, we get a shot of Elyse being mopey because she didn't get a second one-on-one date before other girls got their first shot. This seems like code for "Colton is a mess, I'm not feeling him anymore, I'm gonna get myself out of here." The show can't have Colton seeming undesirable, so of course she's gotta flip it around and act like she's TOO in love with him. If she had a kid, she could just suddenly start missing her kid and bail, but she doesn't have card to play.<br />
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Colton is such a dummy. He says he hears the sound of hope in a conch, blows kisses to monkeys, but not before asking Heather if she blows kisses, as if kiss-virgins are so nervous about it they don't even blow kisses.<br />
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The date is.....not going well. I don't know if it's the sexual tension, or if two virgins are like magnets of the same polarity that repel each other, but it's rough. Colton follows up his classic "Singapore has the lights and the buildings" by saying about Thailand 'these rocks...the greenery....it's incredible." This guy definitely reads at a fifth grade level.<br />
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Heather explains that she went out with a guy for 8 months without kissing him. She said she was trying to force herself to like him because he had everything she was looking for. So she was forcing it without kissing him? This guy was willing to date her for 8 months without getting a kiss? I'm flummoxed. Colton tells her the date was an absolute blast and then explains that he likes her and then just basically says he wants to kiss her, but doesn't say it directly. "I'm looking forward to experiencing new first things with you...." stuff like that. She gets the rose. They walk along the beach, there's fireworks.....they kiss!<br />
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Look, kissing someone for the first time is nerve wracking. Kissing anyone for the first time is terrifying (or at least it was to teenage me). You don't know if they'll like it, you don't know if you're any good at it.....so why on God's green Earth would you agree to do that on national television? Props to Heather though, she pulled it off like a veteran kisser.<br />
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She gets back to the house (where the girls have been debating whether or not she's coming back) and Elyse is getting dolled up like it's rose ceremony night. Heather tells the guys she got kissed, and that she's super excited that Colton wants to move forward with her, and Elyse just bounces. Just gets up and walks out the door while Heather keeps talking. Super rude, but I'll go out on a limb and guess Elyse isn't hear to make friends. Sydney says "she looked good though," which is so not a thing a guy would ever say.<br />
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The dress and bouncing out while all the other girls are in a central location makes me think Elyse is going to talk to Colton....and I'm right. Elyse starts by saying that "I think you could see that the last time we talked that I wasn't myself." Colton gives no indication that he agrees, but Elyse continues undeterred. Colton tries to explain to her that he's been in her situation and he knows what it's like, but Elyse has already made her mind up that she's out of here.<br />
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"I don't give up on relationships," says the guy who has broken up with 15 girls in the past month. "especially ones where I'm excited and see a future." Yeah, those are the ones I tend to try and keep going too, buddy.<br />
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Elyse is doing a terrible job of convincing me that she really is upset to be leaving. Her cry seems fake, she keeps covering her face to hide tears that aren't there....but of course Colton blames himself. "I've had people give up on me in the past," he moans. Don't worry buddy, there's 14 other girls that are waiting to whine to you about each other and your relationship with them.<br />
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Group date time....it's time to walk through the jungles of Thailand! They find the Thai Bear Grylls to show them how to survive. Joe finds all the craziest things in the jungle - bugs, eels, scorpions, snakes...... It looks sweaty as hell in this jungle. Joe splits them into three teams to find ways to survive, only one of which has Colton on it. Hannah, Hannah, and Demi form the greatest team in the history of any competition. They're the Golden State Warriors of reality television. They decide to "work smarter, not harder" so they find a cab and head to a hotel and grab some burgers and booze. This show isn't even trying anymore. Onyeka produces an empty handkerchief that she says has some bugs to eat in it, but conveniently drops the non-existent bugs. This date sucked. Tayshia is on Colton's team, and she decides they need to divide and conquer to survive, so she sends the other two girls to find food while her and Colton make out...only they don't go anywhere even close to far enough apart to make this plan make any sense. Why do you need to split up if you're going to kiss him in plain sight of the other girls anyways? God damnit this show doesn't even try half the time anymore. This whole date gets an F-. They can't even pretend that this is real anymore.<br />
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Cassie is the only one left and gets the second one-on-one. Heather grabs her one on one date, and then....touches Cassie's foot? What is that? Why is she caressing her foot? She's touching Cassie with more passion than she showed on her date with Colton! Maybe Heather's chyron should read "Never Been Kissed....BY A MAN."<br />
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Back at the group date after party, Colton tells Tayshia he liked the initiative she showed, and then -<br />
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Nevermind, nobody cares about that. I need to know what happened to Kirpa's chin. Did she slip and fall? Did she get punched? Did a monkey attack her? Did one of Elyse's seventeen curling irons burn her? I need to know!<br />
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Ok we're back. Hannah B. and Colton discuss the zombie apocalypse, and Colton states that if there was a zombie apocalypse, he'd want Miss Alabama by his side.<br />
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Next we get Onyeka saying that, before Elyse left she told her that Nicole wasn't here for the right reasons. Fuggin' Elyse man. What a terrible exit. Not only does she put on her "you're gonna miss this" dress, not only does she rudely interrupt Heather's first kiss story, NOT ONLY does she basically break up with Colton by saying that she likes him too much and that it's not fair that he likes her too and that's why they can't be together, she also decidess to tell the most irrationally confrontational girl in the house that one of the quietest contestants is a snake. Way to throw a grenade in the bunker, Elyse.<br />
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Fuck this.....this turns out to be a fake news situation. I feel like the show is trying to teach America that you can't always believe what you hear. In this situation, Onyeka plays the role of your MAGA loving uncle, who continues to post fake memes on Facebook about Hilary Clinton. Of course, when you present him with factual evidence that Hilary did not run a child sex ring out of a pizza parlor, he switches his argument to "Well, I still don't like that nasty woman!" which is exactly what Onyeka does. Now that she's been presented with a firsthand account that Nicole did not want to use the show to get out of Miami (who wants out of Miami? Isn't it like a desirable destination?), she starts talking about how Nicole cries all the time and she never liked her anyways.<br />
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Colton takes Cassie on....the exact same date he took Heather on? Well, minus the rocks and the greenery. They just basically make out on a boat. Do you think the boat driver is like "kill me now?" He just drives the boat around while two people dry hump like he isn't even there. Rough gig.<br />
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Back at the house, the girls discuss how much Colton likes Cassie. This date involves no talking and all kissing. Meanwhile the water taxi dude is probably still just sitting there listening to a podcast and watching them make out. He gives her the rose before they even discuss anything of any consequence. After the rose presentation, Cassie and Colton discuss the fact that they are at different points in their sexual lives. Cassie talks about how hard it is to tell some of her family members that she's not a virgin. This conversation makes no sense. She's asking Colton how he deals with being a virgin because she wants to know how to deal with not being a virgin? I'm so baffled by what is happening right now. How is this an actual discussion? Anyways....this competition to be the first to touch Colton's penis is just about wrapped up. Cassie is the clear frontrunner. How will they ever keep this show going for another five weeks?<br />
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Oh I know.....let's throw some drama in there and mess everything up! Kirpa's still there with her busted up chin...I really hope she explains that to him. Oneyka and Nicole continue their cold war over fake news that was either started by Elyse or completely misinterpreted by Onyeka, I'm not sure which. Nicole says he's not looking for an "Instagram Husband," and I'm instantly googling the term Instagram Husband. Apparently it's someone who takes pictures for his blogging wife. Nicole is doing a great job of stating her case...and then she just can't help herself and says that Onyeka is just not right for him and he could never be with her because of how Onyeka treats Nicole.<br />
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Onyeka tells Colton she would never call anyone mentally unstable, and then immediately we get a shot of Onyeka talking to the camera saying "I've never been called a bully - Nicole is literally a psycho." It's just.....too much. Either these people are dumb, or the show thinks we're dumb.<br />
<br />
Now we're going to parse words about if calling someone mentally unstable is the same as saying that someone is emotionally unstable. This is such a microcosm of our society today, where we argue about the words used rather than the intent behind them.<br />
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Colton comes over to try to calm the situation down, but it doesn't help. They continue to argue. Onyeka says she's never said anything offensive to anyone, forgetting that she blew an air horn in Catherine's face and said Colton was drowning in bitches. Colton's over it and walks away. Onyeka FINALLY realizes that maybe her schtick isn't playing well and starts apologizing to Colton, who dismisses her and walks away. The girls wonder if Colton's about to call it quits. Because...what? That's an option? Just stop the show with 14 girls remaining and pick nobody?<br />
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TO BE CONTINUED...........Andy Lassellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05845907876721858770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730106239887111659.post-64327673550881784192019-01-29T23:12:00.002-08:002019-01-29T23:12:31.298-08:00Bachelor 2019, Week 4: Fueling the Hot Mess Express<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I'd like to think that that The Bachelor doesn't play favorites or intentionally try to ensure someone's total destruction, but damned if ABC isn't trying with Hannah B. Last week she clearly dominated the pirate competition only to see Caelynn advance to the final round. This week, we start off with Chris Harrison calling Hannah "Caelynn." Damn...that's cold, Chris. After watching it a few times, I'm fairly certain he did this on purpose. Chris doesn't make mistakes - he makes TV magic. Usually he just drops vague "you really need to impress Colton this week" pep talks to try and unnerve the entire gaggle of ladies, but directly tweaking one of them is next level.<br />
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No time to dwell on it though, you ladies have one hour to pack for a location that The Bachelor has never been to before. The girls act all excited, but c'mon....if the show hasn't been there in 37 seasons of filming The Bachelor/ette, it can't be THAT cool. I mean - they've been to some pretty dumpy places (remember Ft. Lauderdale during Arie's season??) that they apparently thought were better locations than wherever they're going.<br />
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It's Singapore. The girls begin to freak out and hug like Trump just got impeached. I mean, this is some pretty serious jubilation here for a place I'm guessing maybe one or two of the ladies could locate on a map. I mean, what do you know about Singapore? I don't think I could tell you one concrete fact about Singapore other than it's in Asia. Honest to God, I don't know if it's a city or a country. Turns out it's both (wikipedia describes it as a "city-state.") I mean, I guess that's somewhat cool to travel to a place you know next to nothing about and would probably never visit otherwise. I know I had zero intentions of ever setting foot in Wisconsin until I started dating a girl from America's Dairyland, but damn if it isn't a super cool place with some great people and a diet consisting of all of my favorite foods.<br />
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You know who else knows nothing about Singapore? Colton. He introduces us to the city by saying "Singapore is amazing....it's got the lights, the buildings....it's definitely a really cool place!"<br />
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Lights and buildings. No other place in the world has those things Colton. This is how I describe Albany actually. "I dunno, it's got some lights and buildings and stuff. It's a city."<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What's Singapore got?</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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Tayshia gets the one-on-one, and it's so mundane. They walk along the beach and Tayshia asks if they can "touch the water." I think this means walking in the surf, but nope....she literally means touch the water with your fingers. I don't know why walking on the beach with shoes on makes me so angry, but it does. All I could do was focus on their matching white sneakers. They won't stay white in the sand, guys...especially if you touch the water. Sure enough, when they touch the water, a wave gets their feet wet and they jump back like this three inch wave was some sort of freak sneaker wave. Sigh.<br />
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They stumble upon a bungee jump tower, and Colton is amped to try it because he was never able to do anything dangerous because of his "professional career." Just our weekly reminder that he played football, you guys. He was on the practice squad of four teams (the Chargers twice) over two seasons. This guy gave up bungee jumping and sex for football and got about as close as you can get without ever playing in an actual NFL game. I mean....that's gotta be hard. I remember a guy in high school striking out after fouling off about 10 pitches and coming back to the dugout and absolutely losing his shit. What always stood out to me was him yelling "all that work for NOTHING!" I imagine Colton did something like this times 100 when he realized playing in the NFL wasn't going to happen for him, and he did it every day for the better part of a year.<br />
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The bungee jump is pretty boring as far as bungee jumps go, with the only real drama being Tayshia jumping feet first off the tower, which led to the rope snapping her whole body downward like the end of a violent whip. I saw her life flash before my eyes. I was convinced that rope was gonna wrap around her neck or she was gonna get whiplash or something tragic. It was terrifying. She was fine though.<br />
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At dinner, she drops her tragic backstory. She was married, and it didn't work out. She does say "being a Christian woman you think you're only going to get married once," as if Jewish women or any other type of person is like "I'm definitely planning on doing this a couple times." Hilariously, she ends this conversation by saying "when I do get married again, I'm going to make sure it's amazing." Those Christian women...they only get married once, unless it's twice. But definitely only twice.<br />
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The Group Date is somehow less interesting than the one on one, despite there being thirteen girls on the date. Hannah B. is in her head because Caelynn got the one on one. Of course she did....The Bachelor is making sure to get Hannah as bent out of shape as possible. Demi makes Colton piggy back her around the city like a human rickshaw. They sample some of the local culture on the date...letting leeches grab onto them. They sample some street food.They find a fortune teller or something that tells Colton that him and Cassie were siblings in a past life. Line of the night goes to Colton for saying "oh, that's not what you wanna hear!"<br />
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Things get super weird at the evening portion of the date as Courtney whines that Colton hasn't paid any attention to her all night. Demi tells him that she needs to just go find him and talk to him. Seems like good, friendly advice. Courtney of course does the opposite, saying that she's gonna be patient. Demi, frustrated by Courtney's inaction, decides to go talk to Colton herself. NOW Courtney decides it's time to talk to him. Of course Colton has somehow vanished from the premises, so Courtney finds only Demi, and gives her a piece of her mind. She tells Demi she's immature, rude, trying to "play God" and saying "sometimes you don't think." Courtney's condescension is so thick you could use it as a blanket. Demi is understandably pissed. Demi gets the last laugh as Colton gives her the rose for the night.<br />
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Caelynn's date is basically the "Pretty Woman" date, where Colton uses ABC's money to buy her a bajillion clothes and shoes. I'd make jokes about her, but she just told an absolutely horrific story about being date raped. That was tough. We are in this weird space in this country where I feel like anything I say (even something supportive of her bravery and strength) about this will be seen as insensitive or offensive by someone, so we'll just move on.<br />
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Demi decides to go to Colton and make her beef with Courtney public after Courtney throws some very overt shade at her. Hannah and Caelynn bury the hatchet (for now) and Colton does what he does best.....tell Courtney exactly what Demi said about her. This leads to another fight that Demi completely dominates....she's now crushed Tracy and Courtney in back to back weeks. Ultimately, Courtney finds out that Colton not seeking her out on the group date really did mean something, as she's sent packing along with Tracy. Demi is pitching a perfect game right now. Of course, Demi being Demi, she can't just let it go....saying "Ding Dong, the bitch is dead" and acting like Courtney would still be her if she'd just taken her advice as if Colton's decision wasn't already made by him not seeking her out on the date. Demi's ego will 100% be her downfall at some point here in the next few weeks. She could just continue to play the super seductive crazy lady and probably confuse Colton into proposing to her, but something tells me she'll mess it up.<br />
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Tune in next week when Elyse walks six miles for an unknown reason and Colton angry walks down the beach! So much walking!<br />
<br />Andy Lassellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05845907876721858770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730106239887111659.post-43663713061019477922019-01-22T22:40:00.002-08:002019-01-22T22:40:32.567-08:00Bachelor 2019, Week 3 - Toddlers in TiarasWe start with Sydney recapping all the drama that went down (her and Onyeka, Hannah B and Caelynn, and of course Tracy and Demi. She then says (with a straight face) "I hope the drama is over with."<br />
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IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS!<br />
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This is a good time to remind everyone involved with this franchise that when you make a statement, ABC will do everything in its power to make sure that the exact opposite happens.<br />
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If you hope that the drama is over, the drama is just getting started.<br />
If you hope Caelynn isn't on the same group date as you, she is (sorry Hannah B.)<br />
If you want him to send a girl home, she will get the last rose.<br />
If you hope the date doesn't involve snakes, there will be some monkey fighting snakes on your Monday to Friday plane.<br />
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It's science.<br />
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The group date involves going to a pirate themed place where Colton is telling some unconvincing pirates "hey you knuckleheads, knock that off!" He's the worst pirate ever. Actually I take that back. Hannah B. with the sparkly eye patch that is not even covering her eye is the worst pirate ever. The girls get to hit each other with pugil sticks in the lamest episode of pirate themed American Gladiators ever. They batter each other, and we get multiple shots of Hannah B. blasting people, but the unconvincing pirates select Caelynn and Tracy as the finalists for the group date. I don't understand why they do these competitions if there's no real reward for winning them, or even participating. Caelynn essentially forfeited to avoid getting run over by the hot mess express and moves on to the finals anyways?<br />
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In the end, Tracy essentially waves the white flag and just lets Caelynn win the date. Based on what I've seen so far, Caelynn's gonna be around for a while.<br />
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Demi, in a strange moment of clarity, says that, based on the roses Colton has given out, it's clear he doesn't have a type but anyone who assumes he has a type is being a fool. This is like when the Scarecrow gets a piece of paper that the Wizard claims is a diploma and all of a sudden he knows the Pythagorean Theorem.<br />
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Tracy, of course, can't stand for Demi to say anything, so she disagrees without having anything to disagree with. She goes off on some tangent about how she had a type, but then she got older and realized she needed to branch out. I'm not sure what that had to do with Demi saying Colton doesn't have a type based on the roses he's given out, but OK. This leads Demi to make a bunch of age related insults before finishing with "I feel sorry for you." Demi is dominating this beef. Tracy needs to just accept the loss and move on.<br />
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Meanwhile, Hannah B. decides that she has to tell Colton just how awful Caelynn really is. Colton seems genuinely concerned and asks her "like what was she like? What did she do?" Hannah B. goes full Hot Mess Express again and just says "It was a high stress situation and it was awful." As most high stress situations are, Hannah. Colton then says "Was she mean? Was she manipulative? Was she fake?" and Hannah B. loses her ability to speak and just stares at him.<br />
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It's never a good sign when someone asks for details and you can't give them a single stinking one. She also claims that him keeping Caelynn around "be-fumbles" her. Fantastic misuse of words, Hannah. Nonetheless, Colton decides to scold her for her vague warnings in the most brutal way possible: He gives Caelynn the group date rose. He whispers the entire time he gives her the rose for unknown reasons. <br />
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My girl Elyse gets the one-on-one! This is exciting! She's the Jackie Robinson of the Bachelor Universe, shattering all artificial ceilings for redheads. The date involves taking a helicopter (no snakes) to an amusement park and spending the day riding rides with some sick children. During this date, we discover that Colton and Elyse are both big into children's charities, and we get to hear Elyse's tragic backstory. This is a legit sad story, I can't even hate on it. Her sister was diagnosed with cancer while she was pregnant, and was unable to get chemo or start treatment until she delivered her baby.....and then subsequently died sometime after childbirth. They started a charity in her sister's honor. Super sweet story, but of course Colton is like "I knew it! I knew you had this natural maternal instinct with these kids!" Like he's proud of the fact he noticed that she was good with children, and he's so pleased that there's a reason she's so good with kids, although I don't know that having a sister die of cancer constitutes "natural ability." But really, the best part of the date was Colton explaining the origin of his charitable foundation by saying "my little cousin was born with cystic fibrosis while I was playing - you know - football." We didn't forget buddy. You were a football player. There was also a private concert with someone named Tenille Arts. Tenille Arts sounds more like a place where you paint pottery than a musician.<br />
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The next group date involves Terry Crews and his wife Rebecca. I knew nothing about Rebecca Crews, so I looked up to see if she was somewhat famous. Turns out they were just college sweethearts that got married, but the janky website I ended up on to tell me about who she was (bijog.com) told me that "once, Terry and Rebecca had to endure a three month period without sex and this strengthened their relationship." Fascinating.<br />
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The date involves feats of strength. I can't be the only person who was a little shocked that DJ Agro is a black belt that sort of kicked the shit out of the heavy bag. That was the most impressive thing I saw on this date.<br />
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The worst thing was dragging Fred Willard out again. At this point it seems like elder abuse. Fred Willard just basically sits there while Chris Harrison talks, and every once in a while Fred does that thing really old people do where they make a generic statement so that they don't have to embarrass themselves by admitting they have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. I'm wondering who got paid to put Mr. Willard on TV, because I'll bet it wasn't Fred. That was just sad. So was the competition. Onyeka won, but that doesn't result in any extra time with Colton. What is the point of these competitions again?<br />
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At the date afterparty, there's lots of talk about strong, confident, empowered women pulling limos and lifiting "heavy hearts" to try to get a little bit of extra time or attention from a man. Of course Tayshia is talking about how much fun the date was despite us not even seeing her really. Colton compliments her for "working her butt off" and "encouraging everyone." This gets her a kiss.<br />
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Caitlin gets her one on one time, but unfortunately for her she has no tragic backstory. She says "she's looking for a guy who wants to go out with her friends have a silly, ridiculous evening, and she's happy to open up to him about that." I'd love to hear her expand on what a silly, ridiculous evening with her friends is like. "I can't open up to you about anything because honestly, my life has been really good." We should all be so lucky, Caitlin.<br />
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Colton, unfortunately, needs a girl with a tragic backstory that is desperate for love, because they play better on TV. Caitlin becomes the sacrificial lamb on the group date to ratchet up the crazy from the other girls. THINGS JUST GOT REAL, LADIES.<br />
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Props to Caitlin for telling Colton "I'm not sure I want to hold your hand right now." She had no problem opening up about that. She then opens up about how the other women are shady bitches that Colton is going to regret keeping around. Too bad she needed to be dismissed to start having a personality. Angry Caitlin is kinda fun.<br />
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Not nearly as fun is Angry Hannah B. She's telling Never Been Kissed Heather that there's a beautiful monster inside her with a full tank of rage that is about to come out. WHAT? This girl has gone completely silent and blank at every confrontation, and now she's growling at the thought of Caelynn talking crap about her?<br />
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Caelynn then does exactly that, telling Colton that Hannah is manipulative and shady and deceitful. Caelynn then very smoothly mentions that she is a happy person who surrounds herself with happy people, but when a "toxic" person comes into her life she starts to pull back - a clear warning to Colton that she's going to be a bitch if he doesn't cut Hannah. Smooth.<br />
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Hannah then gets scolded by Colton who says tells Hannah that he's worried about her being toxic and deceitful. Amazing. Hannah goes on to clap back, saying "nuh uh, I'm not deceitful, she's the deceitful one!" Colton clearly is annoyed by the situation, and goes full pout pout fish and goes to chat with a couple of production assistants, before finally Chris Harrison comes in and goes "what's up buddy?" In a clear play to get Colton back in the game. He gets so moody as soon as things get just a little hard, I have a difficult time believing he's going to last more than a few months with whomever he proposes to at the end.<br />
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Rose ceremony mercifully ends the beauty queen hissy fit. Unfortunately, it doesn't end it permanently as he keeps both of them. Gone are DJ Agro, Bri the fake Aussie, and my girl Nina, who never even got a damn chance. At least Elyse is looking strong.<br />
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Andy Lassellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05845907876721858770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730106239887111659.post-47569451075898667002019-01-14T23:44:00.002-08:002019-01-15T08:24:13.413-08:00Bachelor 2019 Week 2: Comedy CentralNew feature! Colton taking video blogs. It's heavily edited, probably because he had a hard time stringing two sentences together. I don't know if I'm a fan of this. I think this is a younger generation thing....taking videos of yourself or live streaming your random thoughts. I tried to use Periscope for a while, but discovered it was all people really proud of the fact they smoked weed, or sort of attractive people who were socially awkward clearly enjoying attention from really pervy dudes. It creeped me out. So yeah, I don't recommend live streaming your life.<br />
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Group date right off the bat! We're at a theater, and it's Megan Mullaly and Nick Offerman! This is the best celebrity cameo this show has ever had. Of course, none of the girls really reacted to seeing them, which pisses me off to no end. We'll go nuts about some vaguely famous singer, but two of the funniest people in America garner almost no reaction. This might be a sign I'm old.<br />
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They tell sexually suggestive stories about "their first time" and.....this is really what the whole season is going to be like, isn't it? Just virginity joke after virginity joke after virginity joke. At some point the girls have to dress up like Madonna, right? Like that's obvious, right?<br />
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The girls now get the chance to tell their first times. But first, Colton tells everyone how he told people the first time he told people he was a virgin. </div>
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Elyse the redhead goes ahead and tells everyone she's dating a younger man for the first time. She does a good job, seems comfortable behind the microphone. Demi of course says "she's so brave for admitting she's older. There's really no advantage to being older." She just made an enemy of a majority of the viewers I think. One day father time will come for her too.</div>
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The Cuban girl says she's never dated a white guy, Hannah G. tells a story about how she never got attention from boys until Colton gave her a rose, which I highly doubt. Onyeka tells her "drowning in bitches" story. Catherine says "she's a good swimmer" throws the mic and ruins everyone's eardrums. I can't even handle how a majority of these girls "first" stories occurred in the past week. As if you needed another example of just how young and not ready for the world these girls were. Demi then says something about how she just goes for it and walks into the crowd to make out with Colton and says "and that's the story of how I got the first group date rose!" Bold play, not sure Colton's the guy to play the aggressive go-getter with. We'll see. Maybe he needs someone to just tell him where to be and what to do.</div>
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Date card time, and the first one-on-one goes to Hot Mess Express Hannah B.! She says it's her "Golden Birthday" which I just learned means that her age matches the date of the month she was born. I didn't realize this was a thing, or why on earth it would be significant. Like everyone has a golden birthday before they're 32. A significant portion of the population has a golden birthday that occurs before they can talk. Do people celebrate golden birthdays harder than other birthdays? Or is this something that is only significant to females between the ages of 15 and 23? </div>
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Demi touches the group date rose, and everyone is offended. I didn't know that this was completely taboo in Bachelor-land, but Tracy is REALLY bent out of shape. 100 years from now, when people are studying this era of human civilization that they will refer to as "The Offended Era," touching a rose on a group date before it is offered to you will be one of the primary examples of how hypersensitive people were in 2019.</div>
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Elyse has some great one on one time with Colton, and contrary to Demi's opinion, I think her age might be of some benefit here. She doesn't have time for all the games and the drama. If she's genuinely interested in Colton, she'll be patient with him while he figures out how to use his penis. These other girls will get bored real quick with their Snapchat and WhatsApp and whatever apps they're using these days. I'm guessing patience is key when dating a super insecure virgin, and the older you are, the better you are at patience. Also, someone might need to fact check this, but is Elyse the first redhead to survive the first night? Is she the first to get a kiss? I don't remember redheads faring too well on this show...in fact, they might have less representation on the show than any other minority. </div>
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Cuban girl tells Colton about her autistic brother, but to no avail. The rose goes to Elyse, the thirty-something redhead. She's like a unicorn in The Bachelor universe. Oldest contestant. Redhead. Group date rose. This is the most shocking thing to ever happen on this show.</div>
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Hot Mess Express gets her one-on-one. They take off in an vintage SUV for Vasquez Rocks. Never heard of Vasquez Rocks. They get to ride horsThis es. We cut back to Ms. North Carolina who is convinced that Hot Mess Express is going to come unhinged the second she feels someone gets more attention than her. Hannah seems to back this up by telling the camera that she's very self conscious and spirals when she starts doubting herself. Here we go! </div>
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Colton proposes a toast. Hannah has never given a toast in her life. She's too nervous to form a sentence about what she's hoping for the future. This doesn't bode well at all. Colton asks if she wants to get in the hot tub, and she says yes.......and then sits there. So weird. I'm wondering if she's a little drunk and that's affecting her behavior, because this is just weird. It's like she can't focus on anything. Colton, in true Colton fashion, thinks this means he has poor judgement and that this doesn't bode well for his opinions of any of the women. Then again, he tossed a few girls on the first night that I definitely would've kept - so maybe this is all his fault. </div>
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This date seems like it's drowning (not in bitches, but in awkwardness), so I did some research on the difference between Miss USA and Miss America pageants. I'd forgotten about the Trump connection to Miss USA. I can't really tell if one is more prestigious than the other, but since Miss America started first, I'll assume that's the more important one. Hannah then ask Colton why he's a virgin, and he says he was "so focused on being a D-1 athlete" that he didn't allow for any distractions.</div>
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Again, this flies in the face of literally everything I learned about athletes while attending a D-1 school. Sex wasn't a distraction for them, it was a necessity....to the point that it would be reasonably easy to assume that the more sex you had, the better you would be as an athlete. Colton could probably be playing for the Patriots next weekend if he'd just banged a few pageant queens five years back. </div>
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And now we get to Colton saying that saving yourself until marriage was "engraved on him" early on. WORST. TATTOO. EVER. I suppose you could say "engraved," but "ingrained" seems more appropriate.</div>
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Hannah then says that she had plans of staying a virgin until she got married, but she got into a dude and she ended up having sex with a dude and it didn't work out and now she feels guilty that she won't have that to give to someone she was spending forever with. This is enough to redeem her bizarre behavior in the hot tub, and she gets the rose, a kiss, and fireworks. </div>
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Group Date #2 is a camp theme. They play duck duck goose. He calls cornhole "football bag," and I'm like "oh cornhole is too taboo for The Bachelor?" but then Colton refers to the birdie as a "shuttlecock" during badminton and it occurs to me that maybe Colton is just that weird dude who uses obscure terms for everything. I'll bet he refers to a dresser as a "bureau" and a couch as a "davenport" too.</div>
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Anyways, the girls do some competitions like tug of war and canoeing, and the red team wins, which means they get to sleep over at camp while the yellow team goes home. Billy Eichner is there, and while I don't typically like his yelly form of comedy, he does deadpan that Colton is very brave for using the results of a 3-legged race to determine who is the best choice for his first sexual partner. </div>
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Heather is ready to drop the bomb that she has never been kissed. Colton is suddenly the most sexually experienced person in a conversation for the first time since he was thirteen. I think in Heather's mind, this was going to be how she gets her first kiss, but Colton isn't feeling THAT confident, so he just lets the awkward silence lead to an awkward hand holding and ending to the conversation. No worries though, he gives her the rose for having the most embarrassing confession to offer him. She's lucky some girl said she'd gone to an all girls school and that he's the first boy she'd ever seen is on the show. That girl would've gotten a rose for sure.</div>
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First group date: Colton gives the rose to the oldest, most experienced girl in the group.</div>
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Second group date: Colton gives the rose to the youngest, least experienced girl in the group.</div>
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This seems completely consistent with a person who is completely unsure of what he wants and probably is incredibly frustrating for anyone who enters a relationship with him. Not surprising that the girls can't get a read how to behave and act around him.</div>
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Courtney opts for the "I'm in charge, I'm prepared for a family, I know what I want, and I'm ready to lead you to the promised land" strategy. It goes well, so well in fact that she bursts into tears. Girls that burst into tears because they have a good conversation with a guy are not ready for a family.</div>
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Sydney opts for the "I want you so bad I cheated in a canoe race" strategy. It seems to go well until....</div>
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Onyeka shows up with an air horn because she's horny. That girl has more props than Mary Poppins, which reminds me of this <a href="https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3t2aqk" target="_blank">great SNL sketch</a>. Enjoy.</div>
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Demi puts on a robe, steals Colton away, takes him upstairs to a bedroom, and gives him a backrub. Fantastic play by Demi to play to every girl's worst fear. Tracy takes it the worst, so poorly that she goes up in what looks like a glorified closet and cries. Demi tells her she's "an amazing storyteller" which I think is something that is only a compliment to grandparents. </div>
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Finally it's time for the rose ceremony: Tayshia, and Cassie get the first roses, which is curious because they got very little screen time. Caelynn and Courtney follow, and I'm not seeing much from either of them that makes me think they're contenders. Demi follows, much to Tracy's disgust. Nicole the Cuban and Kirpa the Indian Hygenist follow. Hannah G gets a rose, and gives him a very sneaky wink as she accepts. Catherine and Bri get roses, ensuring all three of the "villains" are still around. Onyeka gets a rose, which meanwe'll get to see her pull out a tuba to interrupt a date next week. Sydney, Katie, Caitlin, Nina, and Tracy round out the group.</div>
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Annie, who I never was fully convinced was actually on the show, Angelique, and Alex the dog rescue girl are all bounced, which makes me think Colton is just eliminating girls alphabetically. Bri should be on notice next week.</div>
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Andy Lassellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05845907876721858770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730106239887111659.post-83624426445141179092019-01-09T00:04:00.002-08:002019-01-09T00:04:38.297-08:00Bachelor 2019: We Need to Ban 3 Hour Premieres<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
Welcome back! A three-hour episode on the first Monday of the new year after a two week vacation that also happens to be the same night as the national championship and oh by the way the kids have basketball, soccer, and ballet practice was just too damn much for me, so the blogging had to wait until tonight.<br />
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Turns out, the first hour was about as necessary as the pre-game show for the Super Bowl. A couple of "Colton's a virgin jokes," people with custom Bachelor themed t-shirts explaining how attractive Colton is, a proposal from a guy who claims that he first said I love you to his girlfriend after an episode of The Bachelor, and Crystal and The Goose in a hot tub in the parking lot. How desperate to be on TV do you have to be to hang out in a hot tub in the parking lot of a TV studio? Better yet, how desperate do you have to be to be one of those nameless extras in bikini's waiting in line to get in to a hot tub with Crystal and The Goose? C'mon people, be better.<br />
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We do get to meet a few of the girls during this terrible first hour:<br />
<br />
Cassie - the beach bum speech pathologist from California. She seems OK. Not sure I want her spending time with my kids yet, but thankfully they're well spoken young people<br />
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Alabama Hannah refers to herself as the "Hot Mess Express." This is amazing, she seems pretty fun. Curiously though, she says that she's only "kissed four boys who have been her boyfriend.....but I'm not a virgin." This is a convenient way to omit the dozens of guys who got their "one night only" ticket punched on the Hot Mess Express.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">All Aboard!</td></tr>
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Katie is from "the East Coast." Maybe the vaguest location
we've ever had. She now lives in California because she "loves to
dance." Apparently the East Coast is still under the jurisdiction of
John Lithgow in Footloose.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Goddamnit Katie I said NO DANCING! You go to California with that nonsense.</td></tr>
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Heather is next. She's never been kissed. She's 22. I love it when we act like someone born in 1996 is some sort of freak if she hasn't fully lived her life yet. The other girls will think she's weird for sure.<br />
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Onyeakachewku is from a Nigerian family and says she's loud and obnoxious and isn't afraid to do crazy stuff in public. She may stick around for a while, but the fact we met her family during her intro video makes me think we won't be seeing them again later in the season.<br />
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Nicole from Miami is not about "the hook-up culture." She's a social media coordinator. Her brother is autistic. Somehow I don't think this is the last time we hear that this season.<br />
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Kirpa is a dental hygenist. Kirpa!<br />
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Demi is a Texas girl who starts her intro by accepting a collect call from federal prison. It's her mom. "My mom had to go to prison because of embezzlement," she says, as if embezzlement is a random thing that can happen to anyone. Man, I hope embezzlement doesn't send my mom to prison. She seems all sorts of unstable. I don't trust this one. She also compares being a virgin to only eating vanilla cupcakes - which also makes no sense. "I'm the damn confetti cake" she says, as if that's the best cupcake flavor. She's so wrong.<br />
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We also get to see Colton and his upper body that looks like someone left the needle hooked up to the air compressor a little too long. We get to hear about how he was so focused on his football career than he sacrificed relationships and having sex. You know who says that? People who are scared or unable to have the sex that they want. Honestly, it sounds like something I would've said in high school. I was way too socially and mentally unprepared to have a girlfriend or be intimate with a girl, so I ended up saying things like "I don't have time for a girlfriend," instead of the more truthful "I wouldn't know what to do with a girlfriend if I had one." That's Colton to me. He's scared to have sex. He might be more terrified of having sex than anyone else in America at this point. And to be honest, that's OK. It's better to not have sex until you're ready than to make some sort of horrible mistake with the wrong person.<br />
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(Anyone who reads this, please remind me to show the paragraph above to my children when they start dating.)<br />
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Alright, let's get this show started! The first limo seems to hold all the girls we've already met. First we see Colton get out of a car driven by an older gentlemen half his size. That guy looks like he should be riding Seabiscuit instead of sitting behind the wheel of an SUV.<br />
<br />
Oh, apparently Tiny Guy wasn't driving. He stands in the driveway and opens the door for the first limo too. Good luck dude.<br />
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Demi introduces herself and says she "hasn't dated a virgin since she was twelve." I keep hoping that means she dated some kid from seventh grade on until the end of high school, but given the way she talks and the looks of her hometown, I'm guessing that's not the case.<br />
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Tayshia is a phlebotomist and seems nice. She gives him multiple hugs.<br />
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Heather declines to remind Colton that they've met before. Probably a good start.<br />
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Nicole says half her heart is in Havana (in Spanish), which I think is a reference to the Camilla Cabello song, but Colton doesn't get it. He just says "So you're from Havana?" Which leads to Nicole having to awkardly say she's from Miami, but her family is from Havana. That didn't go great.<br />
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Caelynn is Miss North Carolina 2018, at least that's what her sash says.<br />
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Sydney is a dancer for an NBA team. Or she was. She tells Colton she had to quit to come on the show. NBA dancers don't have a great track record on this show.<br />
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Elyse is a redhead. This makes her one of my favorites, but she plays it super straight and doesn't do anything to make me think she's going to have much of a role on this season.<br />
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Tazjuan says she hopes that she's "Tazjuan" for Colton. Then she asks what he thought of her pun. Just let it hang there.<br />
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Cassie brings some butterflies. Kirpa has a sparkly purple dress. Caitlyn pops a balloon that apparently looks like a cherry. Courtney has him hold some cards and then takes one. It's a V. She took his V-card. That was dumb.<br />
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Then we get Alex in a sloth costume who moves and talks in slow motion. Enough with the costumes, Bachelor. They're not funny, everyone hates them, and now we're going to get sloth jokes for five weeks.<br />
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Onyeka (who is not Tazjuan as I originally thought) calls him a snack and says "Momma's ready to eat." The last person to use the term "snack" to refer to a person was either The Goose or Jordan on Bachelor in Paradise, and I thought it was probably "Me Too"-ish, so I can't endorse this from Onyeka.<br />
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Tracy shows up in a cop car and pronounces herself the "fashion police."<br />
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Devin is from Medford. Gotta root for her.<br />
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Raylin uses the Chinese word for "studmuffin" which I'm 100% sure doesn't exist.<br />
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Nina speaks Croatian and might be my favorite. Liked her.<br />
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Bri fakes an Australian accent. That should be fun later.<br />
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Laura has the same dress as never been kissed Heather. Apparently this is drama in The Bachelor world.<br />
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Hannah G. is a content creator. Jobs in 2019 man, I tell ya.<br />
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DJ Catherine with her dog is going to compete with Aussie Bri for America's most hated. She loaned her dog to Colton to live with him.<br />
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Also, these people with their dogs. Like, when you meet someone for the first time and all they do is talk about how great their kids are and how important they are, that's annoying right? Now imagine it's a dog.<br />
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Erin shows up in a Cinderella carriage, which prompts Erika to say "I really could've done more than a bag of nuts." Erika just got my first impression rose.<br />
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Another girl, who brought a Georgia peach and asked him if he wanted a bite says "I need him to know I'm more than fruit." I'm more than fruit gets my last impression rose.<br />
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Then we get a whole segment of....not the show. Just former contestants talking and more people proposing at Bachelor Watch Parties. Absolutely no reason to have this be 3 hours. I like all the former contestants less than I did before I started watching tonight, and if you've read this for a few years, you know I'm not exactly over the moon for any of them. Kaitlyn Bristowe in particular has been on a downward trajectory from her first night on Chris Soules season. What a mess.<br />
<br />
Colton then says a bunch of things we've heard every Bachelor say for the last however many seasons "I value honesty, I see my wife in this room......blah blah blah."<br />
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Demi with the felon mom gets the first alone time. She's confident that Colton has a crush on her.<br />
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Erika can't figure out why he's a virgin. This bothers her. She demands to know why. Colton again reiterates that football came first....as if no successful football player has sex. Again though, I sort of see some of high school Andy in Colton. The way he talks about it being a conscious decision, and then getting to the point that he wasn't just going to throw it away on a one night stand. That's exactly how I was with alcohol. It was a conscious decision, in that alcohol played a factor in my parent's divorce and one of my friends got suspended and had to miss part of his junior year of basketball season after being caught with alcohol. I was not going to let that happen to me, so I said "not in high school." Then I got to college and figured that I'd made it this far, why not wait until I'm 21 and actually have my 21st birthday mean something? Only by then, I had seen my friends make some regrettable mistakes, been annoyed more times than I could count by drunk people, and just basically didn't think it was something to celebrate, so I gave up on it at all.<br />
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This is where I will tell you that I'm so glad that I decided to abstain from alcohol instead of sex....one of the smartest decisions I ever made.<br />
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Colton tells Hannah G. that she made a huge impression on him and she is relieved because she was so nervous, so he holds her hands and says "here, I do this with my mom, it'll help." I'm not sure this is a good sign for Hannah that he's already associating her with his mom, or maybe it is. Either way, it's creepy to me.<br />
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Miss Carolina gets the first kiss. She says she's from Virginia, but moved to North Carolina about a year ago. Immediately I'm wondering if she evaluated the pageant scene and saw a better opportunity to succeed in North Carolina than Virginia. Was there an especially deep pool of beauty queens in Virginia in 2018, so she transferred to a smaller state for more playing time? In any event, it was a good move for her - she finished second (first runner up in beauty pageant lingo) in Miss USA, so good for her, but I bet the runner-up in Carolina is still pissed and filing appeals on her residency.<br />
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Sloth is named Suzette, but the girl inside is a Boston girl named Alex. She says her brother is the best guy in the whole world....so her brother isn't Grant. (Just checking to see if you're reading, bro!) All I really want to know about Alex is if she was wearing that dress under the sloth costume the whole time, or if she just put it on real quick before getting her one-on-one time....because if she was climbing a tree in a dress in a sloth costume, that's hella impressive.<br />
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DJ Catherine is interrupted by Fashion Cop Tracy who is then interrupted by Onyeka in a snorkel who blows a whistle and tells Colton she heard he was "drowning in bitches." Strong play Oneyka. She wasn't kidding about not giving a crap about what other people think.<br />
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Onyeka isn't taking this crap, so she pulls Catherine away to discuss her "behavior." Onyeka tells her not to be disrespectful. This is the girl who said Colton was drowning in bitches. Unreal.<br />
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Catherine clearly does not give a crap. She makes a third interruption to get some more time. As usual, the girls who haven't had time yet are pissed that Catherine keeps taking time from them, but do nothing about it but whine to Onyeka so hopefully she does something about it.<br />
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Meanwhile the Hot Mess Express is starting to get in her own head. She says she's spiraling. This should be good. Instead she finally gets to talk to him, and she's adorable, and they pinky promise to be real with each other. That is not what the Hot Mess Express should be doing right now damnit. She should be aggressively kissing him near the fire and then catching her dress on fire and having to dive into the pool.<br />
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Hannah the content creator gets the first impression rose. I'm sure this is good for her career. I don't get it. All my favorites got barely any screen time, which means I'll be saying goodbye to most of them tonight. Hannah says "this validates everything." She brought an empty box because she heard Colton didn't wear undies. Validated her underwear joke?<br />
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Gotta love the girls crying BEFORE the rose ceremony. That's new.<br />
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Then we get a Chris Harrison tribute video. I think we've all made a joke about how Chris Harrison hasn't aged a bit, but when you see him in a side by side with a clip of him from Season One, you can definitely tell that he's older now. A good little montage though. More of that, less of Kaitlyn and JoJo please. And no more Ben Higgins. Ever.<br />
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Finally, it's rose time. Colton says "you all look so beautiful" and dives right in.<br />
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Miss North Carolina, Katie, Alex B., Hot Mess Express, Onyeka, Caitlyn, Annie (who's that?), Kirpa the dental hygenist, Never Been Kissed Heather, Redhead Elyse (yay!), Tayshia, More than Fruti Courtney, Speech Pathologist Cassie, Demi the felon-offspring, Croatian Nina (yay!), Erica McNutt, NBA dancer Sydney, Fake Aussie Bri, Angelique, Fashion Cop Tracy, Half Cuban Nicole, and DJ Catherine get the roses.<br />
<br />
Time to go home Laura. Devin makes it two consecutive seasons that a sports journalist from Oregon is sent home on night one. Cinderella Erin is gone, as well as some girl whose name I've forgotten who mentally sent home quite a few girls who stayed.<br />
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We get a montage of the season upcoming, and every single girl seems to have mastered the Becca Kufrin "jump into the guy's arms and straddle him" move. Also, the girls all hate each other. Also, Colton walks a long way in a suit. He's like the Bachelor Elf. "And then I walked through the candy cane forest, jumped a fence, and disappeared into the night."<br />
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See you next week, y'all!Andy Lassellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05845907876721858770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730106239887111659.post-55277260451189754422018-08-28T00:16:00.001-07:002018-08-28T00:16:10.749-07:00Bachelor in Paradise: They're not even trying anymore.It's gonna be hard to top last Monday's episode, but here we go.<br />
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Benoit is recounting to Kevin and Astrid how he had a great date with Jenna and how Jordan was waiting for them when he returned. Benoit seems scared of Jordan.<br />
<br />
I repeat, he is afraid of a male model who dresses like the Hawaiian Punch guy come to life and beats up stuffed animals. I believe Benoit also was scared of someone on Winter Games for some equally sissy reason. It's almost like Benoit has never been exposed to the real world.<br />
<br />
In other news, Chris just says to Krystal "your butt is unreal." When she questions him on marriage, he says "coming from a divorced family, the girl I get engaged to is the girl I want to be with forever," as if people who have witnessed stable marriages don't understand stable marriages. This is like saying people who grew up in non-smoking households are more likely to be smokers, or people whose parents aren't in jail are more likely to end up in jail. He then says that commitment is not a game and he's not getting married just because you have a kid together like my parents did."<br />
<br />
The guy who was talking about girls as menu items last week, who told Krystal her butt was unreal, is now claiming he's "100%" into commitment, and Krystal is HERE. FOR. IT. Krystal then says Chris making me glow, the timing for us to connect is divine," as if she just spent a week in Rajneeshpuram getting relationship advice (and drugs) from the Bhagwan himself.<br />
<br />
This is immediately followed by Connor showing up. You might remember Connor as the square jawed frat boy villain in every college comedy you've ever seen. Connor pulls Krystal aside to see what she thinks because "everything looks right on her." Guys are the worst. Krystal tells Connor how awesome he is and how she came here specifically to meet him and how she wanted to keep herself available for him....and then shuts him down before he can ask for a date. DIABOLICAL. Krystal is absolutely insane. I have no idea how, but somehow this isn't over.<br />
<br />
FIVE MINUTES LATER......<br />
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Connor is undeterred by Krystal's pre-emptive denial of the date card. He asks her anyways, and Krystal says "well I mean as long as you know where I'm at." Paradise logic is awesome. Try asking some guy's wife out on a date and see if she says "well, as long as you know that I'm married I guess it's cool." NO. IT IS NOT COOL, KRYSTAL. The moral of the story is that nobody will take you seriously if you call yourself The Goose. Krystal then straight up tells Chris that she came here for Connor, but that Chris "surprised her." Krystal is a black widow, man. Chris is going to end up a broken man, and I'm not sure what's going to happen to Connor, but it won't be pretty.<br />
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Krystal and Connor's "date" is to get buried alive while some guy sings in the background. Krystal seems to think that this is some sort of ritual to let go of the past and form a new relationship. I think they're getting cooked alive by a guy who's about to eat them. This leads to Connor howling like a wolf and them making out in the ocean. Naturally.<br />
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Jordan tells Jenna she's amazing, Jenna makes out with him. She needs to tell Benoit "some things." Those things are "I'm not going to kiss you or Jordan until I figure stuff out." This is followed by a lot of making out, because Jenna is super crazy too.<br />
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Jordan, of course, is not pleased with this. But rather than talk to Jenna, he accuses Benoit of brainwashing her and wants to know why he's kissing her when she told Jordan that she was done with him. Benoit is not happy with this line of questioning, so he storms off, muttering about how crazy Jordan is. Benoit is so mad, he angry grabs a water bottle. #CANADIANRAGE.<br />
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Kenny then bounces from paradise to see his daughter's dance recital....a noble move, but let's be honest - this was always his plan. I'm trying to imagine Kenny telling his daughter "I'm heading to Mexico, I might come back for your dance recital. We'll see how things go." No way. So instead, he just goes down to Paradise and makes out with Bibiana, Jacqueline, and Annaliese, decides that Annaliese is the least likely to call him on his bullshit, and then plays the altruistic father card which Annaliese eats up. She's now convinced that she was with the perfect guy (that made out with two other girls in the hours before they got together) and he sacrificed their relationship for his daughter's love. He booked that flight home way before he even met you, sweetie. Annaliese is like an old house - you pick her thinking you can fix her flaws and wind up with something truly special and unique on the other side, but in reality you're just going to sink a lot of time and money into her only to find out she's got some problems that just can't be fixed, like a cracked foundation or something and you end up having to cut her loose for your own sanity. She's constantly on sale on Zillow, if you know what I mean.<br />
<br />
Also, you're not going to believe this, but John killed himself. I've seen this commercial so many times I have no intention of ever watching this show. Then again, I said I was never going to go to the Shane Company for an engagement ring because of all the commercials...and yet when it came time to actually pull the trigger, where did I go??<br />
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Annaliese looks around and sees everyone else making out and decides that maybe Paradise isn't for her....until Kamil shows up. Kamil told Becca he wanted to meet her halfway....like 60/40. He says it was a joke, but she didn't find it funny. I didn't take it as a joke then, but watching it back, I suppose he could be telling the truth. Of course he wants to talk to Annaliese, who is already like "Kenny who?" This is the biggest flaw of the show, in my opinion. I know that a majority of these "couples" aren't nearly as into each other as the show makes them out to be, but they could at least act just a little conflicted when they go on to the next dude/lady.<br />
<br />
Kamil says he's from New York, and immediately Annaliese says she's always been attracted to the "New York vibe." I could write a whole bunch about how insane this is, but I'll end it by saying that Kamil could not look less interested in Annaliese if he tried.<br />
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I gotta move on though, because Kevin just pulled THE DUMBEST shit on Astrid. I'm not sure if his plan was to make himself look like an ass and make Astrid a sympathetic character to the other guys and maybe give her a bump on getting another date in the future....because if that's was the case, then what he did was genius. I'm not giving Kevin that much credit thought. A relationship genius he is not.<br />
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Anyways, he tells Astrid that he wishes she would go on a date with someone else, so that he could be sure that she wants to be with him. What I think he really means to say is that HE wants to date other people. He's trying to spin it like when they get back to the real world, everyone will want to date them, and they're going to be tested by all these people wanting to date both of them.<br />
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Somehow, this turns into Kevin crying and saying he thought he was getting married on the Bachelorette, and then with Ashley on the Winter Games he didn't know where it was going, but he "was optimistic." Given those two descriptions, imagine my shock when Kevin says the breakup with Ashley left him more heartbroken than he's ever been.<br />
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Kevin goes to therapy twice a week because of his time on the Bachelorette shows. Makes sense he'd come on a third then. I think he needs to fire his therapist that signed off on him coming back.<br />
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Oh Jenna broke up with Benoit because Benoit is a ninny. Duh. Harley Quinn dates the Joker, not the guy who crosses the street when a guy with a leather jacket is walking towards him. Benoit sucks.<br />
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Kendall now knows that Leo kissed Chelsea, because Kevin told her, then acts like she already knew and BLAMES ASTRID because she told him that she was going to tell Kendall. Awesome job, Kevin.<br />
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Kendall is mad at Leo for not being all in on her. This coming from a girl that is ostensibly in a relationship with Grocery Store Joe. Leo is mad that Kendall is mad at him, so he's going to beat up whoever told Kendall. <br />
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Why is Leo so certain it was a guy that told Kendall? Why couldn't it have been a girl who is a friend of Kendall's who is looking out for her?<br />
<br />
Leo and Kevin yell a lot of things at each other then agree that they're both cool. Now Leo decides that Kendall is "being irrational" by telling him that Chelsea's kiss upsets her. Leo then just says a bunch of crazy shit, and Kendall does that condescending thing she did on Arie's season where she explains to someone what they're feeling and it predictably doesn't go well. Joe steps in.....and we'll find out what happens tomorrow night!<br />
<br />
<br />
Andy Lassellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05845907876721858770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730106239887111659.post-90240203350133444512018-08-21T23:44:00.002-07:002018-08-21T23:44:48.320-07:00Bachelor in Paradise: Jorge is a FraudTwo nights in a row! Last night was phenomenal, which gives me high hopes for tonight. On the other hand, how could it possibly live up to the example of last night? <br />
<br />
You guys. I don’t think Jorge was a real bartender. I don’t think he actually opened a business as a tour guide. I know for a FACT he didn’t write a romance novel. Seriously, what was that? I wanted to just clown Arie, Lauren, Amanda, and Ben for agreeing to be bad actors in a five minute movie about a fake romance novel, and then I realized that if someone called me and said “hey let me fly you down to Mexico. You pretend to be a mariachi star whose girlfriend hates him.” Who says no to that? That sounds awesome!<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, Leo comes in and all the ladies lose their damn minds. It’s like feeding time at the zoo. The promos keep trying to tell us that Joe and Kendall are one of the strongest couples in Paradise, yet it took her all of two seconds to say yes to a date with generic brand Fabio. I feel bad for Joe. Hell, I kind of was Joe. In college, I spent a summer in Colorado at a ski resort. It was kind of like Paradise, in that they just threw a bunch of people in their early 20s together for a few months. A small population, short time frame, you start to think there are feelings that don’t really exist. At the end of the summer, I actually had a girl say to me “I think I like you about half as much as you like me.” Been there Joe. I’ve been there.<br />
<br />
Shortly after returning from her date with Leo, turns out that maybe Kendall is there too as Leo immediately makes out with Chelsea. Whoopsie Kendall. Jordan of course is there to tell us that Leo<br />
is “sampling all the porridge” which I think was a reference to all the girls having blonde hair like Goldilocks. Also at some point Jordan refers to the guys all being in various stages of doing their laundry in terms of making relationship mistakes. If I were Jordan, I would start an app where people asked me for advice and I would equate them to some random thing. This show is dead when he goes home.<br />
<br />
Tia and Colton go on a date, and surprise, Jorge has changed jobs again. He’s now a street DJ having a salsa competition. Oh look, Raven and Adam are here. Really they are here so Raven can tell Tia she hates Colton and thinks he's got bad intentions. "You deserve someone who treats you like Adam treats me" she says. Translation: I'm jealous that your guy is better looking and you two are more famous than me and my guy and it's not fair because you're only famous because I was on the show first and recommended you for it. Raven sucks.<br />
<br />
Tia cries, Raven threatens to cut Colton's unused penis off, and then Raven feels her work is done. She's gone. Colton and Tia go to have a talk. Tia says she wants to be the first and best option always, which seems like a weird thing to ask. Wouldn't you want to be the only option? Colton vows not to look at another woman in Paradise, because Tia is his girlfriend. Tia demands to be asked to be his girlfriend, because #womenarenotproperty.<br />
<br />
Benoit is here, and girls are digging the accent. Benoit pulls Kevin aside, Kevin says he'd like Krystal because she's blonde and high energy. Benoit starts off by calling her Kendall. Strong start, bud. He goes on to say that reality TV has "worked out well for him" twice already. He did not win Bachelorette Canada, had an on again off again on again off again relationship with Clare on and after Bachelor Winter Games....this is not a strong track record of success buddy. I want him to succeed with Krystal just to see the Goose's feathers ruffled, but I guess I'll have to settle for him setting off Jordan and getting his similie generator going.<br />
<br />
Jordan is in rare form:<br />
He says that Beniot "better have Jenna home to daddy early, because she's got a curfew."<br />
He calls him Pepe le Pew and then says he's "the Diet Coke of French" because he's from Canada.<br />
He calls him Jean Blanc 2.0<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, Jenna is slathering her lipstick all over Beniots face, and I'm fully convinced that she escaped from Arkham Asylum with the Penguin and the Joker. I think the term I'm looking for is "Criminally Insane."<br />
<br />
Want evidence? She thinks that the fact he was recently engaged is a good thing, because "it shows he's open to commitment." This is like saying "I know he just got fired, but I think that's a good thing because it shows that at least he can get a job in the first place."<br />
<br />
Jordan tries to apologize by writing "I'm sorry" in the sand. This seems like a good start, but then he says "I mean, what's a guy gotta do?" as if she should've forgiven him already. Nice plan, Jordan. Jenna tells Jordan she had a really good connection with Benoit, but also with him. Jordan then tells Jenna that she needs to just let him know if it's not going to be him, because he's only here because of her. "Only one Jenna in the world," he says, as he walks off to bed.<br />
<br />
I'm walking off to bed too. I should've known that the show couldn't have kept up the momentum that last night created.Andy Lassellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05845907876721858770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730106239887111659.post-83413722552507812962018-08-20T23:14:00.003-07:002018-08-20T23:14:57.921-07:00Bachelor in Paradise: WTF EditionThe blog is back, and I promise it's not just because my son's soccer coach's wife wondered when I would blog again and I'm trying to suck up to get my son more playing time. (Hi Ashley!) But seriously, soccer is playing a big part in the blog returning. A tournament this weekend took all the energy out of my kids, and a cancelled soccer practice due to poor air quality allowed them to get home early, eat dinner, and be asleep before 9pm for what seems like the first time since they could walk.<br />
<br />
You know, I really thought nothing could kill my love for blogging about Bachelor related TV. Then Becca's season happened. In what was maybe the worst season of the show ever, I just couldn't do it. Hell, I could barely watch it. I think I stopped blogging after week 2. I stopped watching on Monday night about week 5, and I didn't even watch the finale or Men Tell All.<br />
<br />
And I don't want to put this all on Becca. Becca seems amazing. A good person, a fun hang, pretty, smart.....she's really somebody any guy should want to date. I just don't want to watch her on TV. She was too normal, made too many rational decisions, and -let's be honest - never would have been The Bachelorette had Arie not blindsided her on national television. Nobody was hashtagging #beccaforbachelorette before that episode. NOBODY. Afterwards, we all felt like she DESERVED it, but I think we all thought in the back of our minds "this really doesn't make sense."<br />
<br />
Tia would've been a better choice (more on this later). Bekah definitely would've been a better choice, even though we all know she would've picked nobody or broken it off with the "winner" before the finale aired to go smoke peyote in a teepee in Flagstaff. But we got Becca, and then we got maybe the dumbest group of men ever. I mean, she picked a guy with a history of liking racially insensitive Instagram posts. THAT WAS THE BEST GUY OF THE BUNCH. Just brutal.<br />
<br />
Anyways, things are better now. We're in Paradise, where people stop pretending that they're in love with someone just because they thing they're supposed to be, and start horndogging it up all over Mexico. Bad decisions abound. Tia, who was one of the most generally well liked personalities ever on this franchise, burned through all of that goodwill faster than I thought humanly possible. First she essentially blocked any chance Colton had with Becca with her wishy washy attitude towards him, then she decides to take that absolute moron Chris on a date. This is a guy who refers to himself as "The Goose." He calls himself this not because he likes geese. Not because he thinks they are majestic creatures, not because of some generally accepted noble trait of the species, and not even because that was the call sign of Anthony Edward's character in Top Gun. Any of those would be acceptable reasons to call yourself Goose. No, this jamoke calls himself "The Goose" because he want's people to know he's not the seriously deranged, out of control meathead he was portrayed as on The Bachelorette, but rather he's a "silly goose." To show how silly he is, he wears a Karate Kid style bandana, which is neither silly nor goose-like.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This one's for you, Goose</td></tr>
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I figured Tia was maybe just taking a totally unlikable guy on a date so that she wouldn't be tempted to hook up with anyone before Colton showed up, but noooooooooo.....Tia asks him what he's looking for in a woman. Chris then spouts off a few very generic things about Tia's personality that are blatantly obvious to anyone who has spent five minutes watching the show, including that he wants to date someone who isn't from a big city or some crap. Tia, honey, a word of advice: Never ask someone you're on a date with what they're looking for in a woman. There is literally no incentive for the guy to tell you anything other than qualities he sees in you. If he says he's looking for a short girl who likes Pokemon and runs ultramarathons, the date is over. On the other hand, if he says something similar to your own personality, well then there's the chance for a kiss and some heavy petting before the night is over. Tia seems oblivious to this fairly obvious scenario, and is totally impressed that Chris described her to a T(ia) (#dadjoke).<br />
<br />
Chris then pushes all his idiot chips in to the middle of the table rather than cashing out with Tia. No......The Goose is now feeling himself, so he's gotta fly and kiss KRYSTAL.<br />
<br />
Imagine you are Chris. You nickname yourself Goose and refer to yourself in the third person while wearing a Karate Kid headband, and you've just hooked up with Tia, an absolutely gorgeous woman who (up to this point in the show) is generally well liked. Everyone would be impressed if you came home with her. So the first thing you do is find one of the most universally hated and generally agreed upon psychopaths in the history of the franchise and make out with her by saying "I've never kissed a blonde and I'd like you to be the first."<br />
<br />
Side note, HOW DO LINES LIKE THAT WORK? One time I saw a friend of mine get a girl to leave the bar with him after the first words he said to her were "your hair smells nice." Thank God I'm married, because I did not, do not, and never will understand how to talk to women. I'm quite certain I'd hate myself for saying something like that.<br />
<br />
So the Goose cooked himself, Jordan continued to show why he is one of the great characters in reality show history, and Annaliese is so far removed from the pretty girl that I bonded with over bumper car trauma, I'm having trouble remembering that special connection we had. Jenna is pretty much Harley Quinn without the makeup and giant mallett, Bibiana is still awesome, and David is still the worst human ever. Not like evil worst, or mean worst, or deceitful worst.....he's just like THE WORST.<br />
<br />
I think that pretty much covers the first two weeks....let's get into tonight's episode!<br />
<br />
I'd forgotten that Colton, who seemed pissed that Tia ruined his chance with Becca and then sort of led him on before kissing Chris, was the one that spilled the beans to Tia that Chris kissed Krystal. If I'm Colton, don't I just let Tia make a huge mistake with Chris, thereby freeing me up to date any number of girls that would want to watch me walk around Paradise shirtless all day? Objectively speaking, Colton is a pretty decent looking guy who is in ridiculously good shape AND has allegedly never slept with a woman. That seems like catnip to a girl that would be willing to be on a reality show. I mean, he's like good looking AND you'd have the chance to be the first to explore virgin territory with him (#dadjoke). And yet instead of just letting all this drama remove itself from his personal space, he decides to shake up his own personal sno-globe and watch everything fly around him. Good plan man.<br />
<br />
Chris' response to being called out on this is to tell Tia that she's overreacting and just because he "had a moment" with Krystal and that him kissing her has not changed his feelings toward Tia. This Goose douche literally says that he would turn down a date card THEN says he's keeping his options open THEN SAYS that he decided that it was over between him and Tia BEFORE she started talking to him. Krystal witnesses all of this, is an active participant in this shit, and THEN SAYS THAT SHE'S SO EXCITED THAT CHRIS IS AVAILABLE. Amazingly, Chris then says that he needs tequilla and walks off to get a drink, and THIS is what offends Krystal. Him going to get a drink without talking to you first is more concerning than that entire disaster of a conversation tells me all I need to know about Krystal. She is EXACTLY who she seemed to be on Arie's season.<br />
<br />
Jordan continues to be the greatest troll in the history of reality TV, telling Chris he did nothing wrong other than not "telling the world that he was making moves" before he made moves. I have no idea what this means. He then tells Tia that as long as her and Colton are on the same page "it's time for someone to be a man and someone to be a woman." I have no idea what that means, but I love it. Jordan being this show's Dr. Phil is the greatest thing that's ever happened on this show.<br />
<br />
Jacqueline shows up, and this sends Tia into conniptions. All I remember about Jaclyn is that she's crazy smart. She basically talked Arie into a coma and then left on her own because she realized she was reading War and Peace while he was reading The Poky Little Puppy. She seems to want to take Colton on a date, which makes no sense, because the first thing out of his mouth is "so you're here! That's awesome!" If Arie is reading The Poky Little Puppy, Colton isn't very far ahead. Maybe he's Green Eggs and Ham. This is a guy that asked Chris Harrison what was "expected of him" in the fantasy suite.<br />
<br />
Colton is frustrated because "all these girls keep asking me on a date." He turns down Jacqueline for the date because he doesn't want to hurt Tia. Tia says "I just want to be with someone who chooses me." Colton says "He's not there yet." Then they both threaten to leave Paradise because they don't want to be there just to be there. Then Tia tells Bibiana that it's her job to tell Colton how she feels. <br />
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These people suck so bad. It's amazing.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, Annaliese tells people that she's finally figured out what she wants: Someone who is kind and adores her. Man, Annaliese and I have horrible timing. Annaliese decides this person is Kenny. Jacqueline immediately asks Kenny on a date. He says yes and SHAKES HER HAND. Annaliese is about to lose it. Kenny kisses Jacqueline, and then Kenny comes home and immediately goes to hang out with Annaliese, who serves him yogurt. Kenny likes this so much, he takes his shirt off. I'm so confused as to what the hell these people<br />
<br />
We then get some filler content with all the people nobody cares about. Dork John is caught in a love triangle between dork Jubilee and dork Caroline. Socially Awkward Bachelor in Paradise is the not nearly as good a show as the original. I look forward to Trivago ads more than these people interacting on my television.<br />
<br />
Kevin is still here and looks like Brendan Frasier in Encino Man if he started drinking when the movie came out twenty years ago and just never stopped. He's talking to Krystal when the GooseDouche pulls her aside and tells her "not to worry about the rose." He then pulls her aside and says she "is not what he was expecting." When she asks what he was expecting he responds with one word: "crazy."I feel like I'm watching the prequel to an episode of Cops where the officers show up just as a full beer can is thrown through the living room window.<br />
<br />
Bibiana is now trying to talk Colton into loving Tia, and it's making her cry thinking about how nobody loves her. This show is incredible. I wonder how many emails these people have in their inboxes from therapists that are like "yo you need to call me."<br />
<br />
After all that, Colton pulls Tia aside now they're dating and all I'm thinking is that we just wasted like six hours of television pretending these two dummies didn't already have an exclusive relationship.<br />
<br />
Finally we have a rose ceremony. Did you know Eric was still in Paradise? Also some girl named Angela...and they're in a relationship? Drunk Encino man is with someone named Astrid.<br />
<br />
Jordan then poses a bunch for Jenna, and they make out. Jordan then tells us that Jenna is awesome and that she says "uh huh" when they kiss and squirts coffee in his mouth. I don't have any idea what the physics of such a feat are, but I feel cheated that ABC didn't show this happening.<br />
<br />
Back on Dorks in Paradise, John is getting a massage from Jubilee and they said some things to each other, but I fell asleep, so I don't know what it was.<br />
<br />
David's still here, telling Bibiana that Kenny told him that she's got a big booty. Apparently this is enough to convince Bibiana that she needs to talk to Kenny. Kenny of course tells her she's fine and makes out with her. Annaliese, Jacqueline and Bibiana are all convinced they're getting Kenny's rose.<br />
<br />
Bibs is using her booty, Jacqueline is using her brain, and Annaliese is using Mexican Wrestling Masks. Chess not checkers, Annaliese.<br />
<br />
David is here to ruin Jordan's fun by hitting on Jenna by giving her a big stuffed dog which she names Brownie. Jordan is not impressed and chucks Brownie into the water. I can't wait until David gives Jenna his rose at the rose ceremony. Jordan's on edge. Nobody is impressed, except of course for crazy Krystal, who thinks it's great that he's standing up for his woman by drowning a stuffed dog and yelling at two women (Jubilee and Chelsea) who really have nothing to do with the situation. Fun Jordan is way cooler than Mad Jordan, but Mad Jordan says way more entertaining stuff. Eric and Annaliese talk him off the ledge, and he apologizes to everyone for his anger, in what was a very 2018 TV moment - the angry white man seeing the error of his ways and apologizing for being disrespectful.<br />
<br />
Jenna accepts his rose, but not his kisses. Not out of the doghouse yet, Jordan.<br />
David give Chelsea his rose, which makes no sense because that will NEVER happen.<br />
Encino Man gives Astrid his rose. Whatever.<br />
Goose and Krystal accept each other. They're getting matching tattoos next week. Bank on it.<br />
Dork John gives Dork Jubilee his rose. Dork Caroline is crushed.<br />
Grocery Joe and Kendall are apparently a thing. A boring thing that never gets airtime, but a thing.<br />
Colton and Tia need to go home now. There's nothing left for them (or us the viewers) here.<br />
Eric and Angela are two actual people on this show. I just confirmed it on the website, and apparently they will continue to be on the show next week. I know, I'm just as shocked as you are.<br />
Kenny has the last rose. Annaliese, Bibiana, Jacqueline are the contenders, and somehow Bibiana's butt and Jacqueline's brain lose out to Annaliese's luchador masks. I don't think America gets it, but I totally do. I still believe in you, Annaliese.<br />
<br />
Nyssa, Bibs, Jacqueline, and Caroline hit the bricks.<br />
<br />
And we get to do this all again tomorrow! It's been fun!<br />
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<br />Andy Lassellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05845907876721858770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730106239887111659.post-12974507880046876442018-06-04T23:55:00.000-07:002018-06-06T06:38:57.231-07:00Bachelorette 2018, Episode 2You know you're in for a good episode when Chris Harrison shows up and says "let me give you guys some advice." His advice is always "The Bachelor/ette is not here to mess around, and s/he will send you guys/girls home if you don't bring it." It's always turns the insecurity index up to 100, and somebody will crack and it will be glorious television.<br />
<br />
The first group date is wearing tuxes and pretending to get married. They get in a large dressing room and the guys try on tuxes while Becca awkwardly stands in the middle of a dozen guys in various states of undress and says "I don't know what to do!" Lincoln is like a six year old trapped in a very muscular adult's body. He's like all smiles and giggles and single syllable words. "We're with the beautiful princess Becca! What else could a man ask for?" he gushes....because every man's dream is to get dressed with ten or so guys he's never met while a woman awkwardly stands in the middle of the room peeking through her fingers. It's a real life fairy tale!<br />
<br />
Rachel and Brian (who are engaged but without a wedding date set) are held up as a paragon of what can happen on this show. The ol' we haven't set a date yet reminds me of people who shop at Aaron's Rent-a-Center....you want the 60" TV, but you don't want to really drop the cash on it. Or the ladies who buy dresses and strategically tuck the tag inside the dress to make sure your friends and the fellas give you the reaction you crave.<br />
<br />
Turns out that we're not doing a wedding theme -we're doing an obstacle course. Rachel says that obstacle courses are dirty and hard, and that's just like a relationship! Becca says she wants a guy that's not going to cut and run when things get tough. I'm not sure exactly if she's saying that guys that suck at obstacle courses are bad boyfriends, or if a guy isn't going to try at the obstacle course would suck as a boyfriend, but I like to think I'm an above average husband, and I've never done a Tough Mudder, so.......<br />
<br />
Anyways, Lincoln makes it sound like God willed him to victory in this obstacle course. All of the other guys seem to think he cheated (WHICH IS WHAT A SIX YEAR OLD WOULD DO!) Lincoln then says that kissing Becca is like riding to the moon on the wings of pegasus while dancing with unicorns on a pot of gold. Listening to Lincoln talk is the worst. He's singlehandedly disproving my long standing belief that everything sounds better when said with a British accent.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hey Lincoln.......</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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Lincoln then continues to yap, at one point having a chat with the picture of him and Becca taken earlier in the day. The guys don't like it when he talks to them, and they really don't like it when he talks to inanimate objects. Connor's had enough and frisbees the picture into the pool. I'll bet Connor feels like a real man for tossing a picture into a pool. Oh to be 25 again. He's strutting around, Jordan the male model is telling him that the whole thing was "epic" and then Lincoln loses his damn mind and tells a group of grown men he can't fight them because his mom would kill him. HIS MOMMY WOULD BE MAD! He then says the picture his broken, and along with it his heart. It is 2018, right? Becca can upload the .jpeg to Walgreens and get him another one in 60 minutes or less. This is not like the time my brother tore up my Dominique Wilkins poster that I ordered out of a catalog.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">#NeverForget</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td></tr>
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Lincoln then comes to his senses and asks Becca for another picture. When she asks why, he leaves out all the parts about him parading the picture in front of the guys and how he was talking to it like she was there, and says "I have no idea why Connor would smash the picture." This guy really is a child. Get him out of here.<br />
<br />
Anyways, Jean Blanc gets the rose for basically being the only person not to be weird. To repeat, the colognoisseur was the least weird dude on the group date.<br />
<br />
The next day, Lincoln is still crying about this damn picture. Let's get on with this one on one date. Blake gets the honor, and Becca says she has no idea what's going on, as Chris Harrison planned the date. The date involves Harrison handing them sledgehammers and coveralls, like they're mafia hitmen or something. They get to break all of Becca's memories of Arie, and Lil' Jon is there to narrate! I don't think there's anything I want more in life than for Lil' Jon to follow me around and narrate my day.<br />
<br />
Blake won the lottery here....a fun date activity that he didn't plan is making him seem way more interesting and fun to Becca than he really is. He then goes on to say that he fell in love with a girl after two months, and then he found out she was breaking up with him by sneaking a peek at some texts on her phone from her friends. Just know that Blake will look at your phone when you're not next to it, Becca. Take that thing to the shower with you! Blake gets a rose and some smooches. Becca says that if every day involves Lil' Jon and a sledgehammer, Blake is DEFINITELY husband material.<br />
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Becca's dates so far have involved an obstacle course, smashing shit with a hammer, and dodgeball. I think it's pretty clear she likes athletes. A bunch of kid actors start yelling at the guys and flinging dodgeballs at them at a high rate of speed.<br />
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They then end with a dodgeball competition in a trampoline arena announced by Harrison and the reanimated corpse of Fred Willard. It's sort of sad to see Willard this old...he doesn't really have his fastball anymore. It's like when baseball teams have old-timers day, and a mid fifties Orel Hershiser is throwing 60 MPH pitches to a 50 lbs overweight Sandy Alomar. Nobody wants to see that, and yet we actually kind of do.<br />
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Long haired Leo wins this date in my opinion, single-handedly giving the pink team a chance to win. He really brought it home when he deadpanned "dodgeball success doesn't come from biceps or your legs, it comes from the heart, and I was the only guy on the pink team with any heart." It's funny because it's true.<br />
<br />
Becca then has a talk with Wills, who gets emotional because someone he knows (I wasn't paying that close attention) had their 50th wedding anniversary. Becca likes it though, because she says "I'm glad I'm getting to know you better," which is code for "I now know you well enough to let you make out with me."<br />
<br />
DRAMA ALERT! Colton hooked up with Tia from last season! He has a very well rehearsed statement ready for Becca that involves the line "the timing wasn't right for me to grow a spark into a flame." Smooth. He then claims that he thinks him and Becca could have the time to light a bonfire or some crap.....on a television show....where you'll have to propose within two months.<br />
<br />
Clay then does some touchdown celebration with Becca where he gets to kiss his QB. The guy has zero emotion. He's about as vanilla as it gets.<br />
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Not vanilla, however, is Jordan. He's walking around in his undies and he's going to catch Becca's attention. The chicken guy gets interrupted, and then gets really bitchy. He feels disrespected. He's not going to let this go. He actually says something about how "There's a time and place to draw attention to yourself, and this wasn't it." THE GUY DRESSED AS A CHICKEN FOR AN ENTIRE NIGHT! David then tries to say that there is right and wrong and there's not gray area (as if this is actually how the world works) and Jordan responds by totally butchering the word ingenuity, while also using it incorrectly.<br />
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Back to Colton - Becca is again saying how bummed she is to find out Colton made out with Tia, but for about the 10th time makes sure to tell him how attracted she is to him. Every time she says it, you can tell he knows he's a little closer to being forgiven.<br />
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Colton ends up getting the final rose of the night (SHOCKER) and sent packing are three guys I've already forgotten. A dude named Alex who looks a little like a dorky Tom Brady breaks down in tears because he was hoping to find love.<br />
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Coming next week - we see why Colton just HAD to get the Tia thing off his chest, Jordan says his face IS professionality, and someone ends up on a stretcher. We're all led to believe that there was a fight, but most likely a dude slipped on the edge of the pool. DRAMA!<br />
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<br />Andy Lassellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05845907876721858770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730106239887111659.post-57486675667945556142018-05-29T23:30:00.004-07:002018-05-29T23:30:51.134-07:00Bachelorette 2018 Episode 1: I'll Do the Damn Thing Whenever I Want, Becca!Alright, so we're back. Memorial Day is a terrible time to kick the damn thing off, because everyone is off doing damn things all damn weekend, so by the time the damn kids go to bed and the damn show starts, everyone is exhausted in the damn bed. Damn you, ABC.....so we're watching on a Tuesday, and you can't do a damn thing about it.<br />
<br />
We kick off with a reminder that Arie has his own wing in the douche bag hall of fame. It's right beyond the Hall of Car Salesmen and just above the Frat Bro Auditorium. Then we get to meet the girls who have won the damn thing: Kaitlyn, JoJo and Rachel all show off their engagement rings to prove to Becca than love is possible for someone in her situation. Of course none of them mention the fact that they all got engaged at least a year ago and none of the are actually married yet......<br />
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.....But that's none of my business.<br />
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<br />
Anywho, they all talk about how great being The Bachelorette is, then burn some sage because the process sucks and they need to exorcise some demons or something. Kaitlyn, who is barely even recognizable from when she was on the show, says nothing the entire time other than "why are we waving a giant blunt around?" So glad she's here for that insight.<br />
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Then we get our little intros to the guys. This is a good time to mention that some occupations mean more than others. We can't tell much from you being an athlete - there have been some good ones (Jordan Rodgers, these two football playing guys this season) and there have been some bad ones (Josh Murray, Arie)....but one occupation always alerts us that this person is going to suck: MODEL. Courtney Robertson was the first that I remember, and God was she a lot to handle. Now we get Jordan the male model. He really doesn't have a choice, he has to be a nightmare. It was foretold to be his persona from the jump, and he really plays it to perfection. Saying that his shoes sound like the heartbeat of a proper gentleman and he wore a sharkskin suit to symbolize his elusive pursuit of his prey....just oh my god. I asked my wife if manners had any impact on heartbeat, and she said "If yours suck, my heartbeat gets faster, is that what you mean?" Also, predators are not elusive. They are the opposite of elusive. They try to catch shit, not get away from it, you moron. He's a real life Derek Zoolander, or he's doing a damn good impression for television. Either way, I hope he sticks around forever, because he's fun to watch...sort of like why you're following Donald Trump on Twitter.<br />
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Joe the Grocer seems like a fun guy, but a bad grocer. If you're chucking your tomatoes around willy nilly, nobody is going to buy them, bub. Also, he gets so nervous talking to Becca that he just cuts himself off and walks away. That's gotta be a first. Also, an unhealthy number of guys reference Arie in their walk-ups: wearing a racing suit or bringing a cardboard cutout just seems like a terrible idea. You don't want her brain making any sort of a connection between you and the guy who shredded her heart and humiliated her on national television, dudes. Those guys are shooting worse than the Houston Rockets from 3-point range in Game 7 of the Western Conference Finals.<br />
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Not a big fan of Jean Blanc, who says he wants to say something in French because he has a French name, and then proceeds to speak French as if it's the first time he's ever used the language. Je ne parle pas beaucoup Francias, but I think I could've done a better job, dude.<br />
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I'm a big fan of Garrett, the minivan driving jokester. He's just out there having fun, not taking himself so seriously. Meanwhile, the guys talk about how great Becca looks. One guy can't think of anything to add to the conversation, so he says "the sparkles on her dress are great," as if that has anything to do with her as a person. You could put me in a $2,000 suit and I'd still be the same dude who watches The Bachelorette while eating popcorn and drinking Pepsi in the dark. By himself. Don't judge me.<br />
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You know who you can judge though? The dude who says he and his buddies have a handshake back home that involves two quick high fives (while saying "bop bop" and then kissing the hand of the person. I have never kissed my buddy's hand. Any of them. I'm judging you.<br />
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I'm also judging the guy who brings in a full choir and thinks that Uncle Gary is going to be impressed by them singing a song that starts "I've got a rose, you've got a rose." Uncle Gary has watched the show before, and he knows that the Bachelorette doesn't have a rose....she just hands them out. I hope that guy gets to meet Uncle Gary, and Uncle Gary shuns his ass. C'mon man.<br />
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Clay the football player decides the best way to get her to remember him, is to play with some Play D'oh, which he calls clay. They decide to make sculptures of each other, while Clay tells her that she was his favorite girl on Arie's season....which, duh dude. Can you imagine if Clay had said "my favorite girl was Bibiana, but I'm glad you're here."<br />
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Christon dunks over Becca, which.......is that something girls look for in a man? I think it probably had more of an effect on the guys, who look totally shook that this guy in slacks just hurdled a fully grown human and threw a basketball through a hoop. Guys hate it when another guy can do something they can't do.<br />
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I love Chris the choir director pulling two dudes he just met aside to ask for advice. Naturally, he grabs the guy who can dunk, because duh. Turns out, he knows Chase's ex girlfriend, who (SHOCKER!) doesn't have anything good to say about them. This should go well.<br />
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Chris confronts Chase and says "Danielle texted me dude, said you didn't have the truest intentions....." at which point Chase cuts him off and says "dude I dated her for like a month, I mean..."<br />
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Don't say it Chase<br />
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"you know...."<br />
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Don't say it!<br />
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"women."<br />
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Chase cooks own goose. News at eleven.<br />
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Chase continues to make a meal of himself by going to Becca and BRINGING CHRIS ALONG to talk things out. Surprisingly, she decides to send neither of them home, sending Jake the dude from Minnesota home instead.<br />
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Jake references a Christmas party and tells Becca he's had "a very transformative year." Which is code for "I know I was kind of a dick, but now I think you're being the dick for not giving me a chance to prove I'm not longer a dick, which makes me look like a dick again for saying that there's something wrong with you." Jake and Chase.....chefs specializing in mariniating in their own idiocy.<br />
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I love the guy who claims he got a Harry Potter tattoo because he was looking forward to protecting Becca's heart. A quick google search tells me that the actual spell is "Expecto Patronum" which conjures a patronus.....but again, I wouldn't have caught that in the moment, and clearly Becca didn't either. PLENTY of Harry Potter fans caught it on twitter though, and they are not letting it go:<br />
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Ok but it’s expecto patronum , not expecto patronus <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/TheBachelorette?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#TheBachelorette</a> <a href="https://t.co/WOarjmmdm2">pic.twitter.com/WOarjmmdm2</a></div>
— Kate Marks (@bambi0921) <a href="https://twitter.com/bambi0921/status/1001277107664773120?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 29, 2018</a></blockquote>
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IT IS EXPECTO PATRONUM, NOT PATRONUS. I SPY A FAKE FAN. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/thebachelorette?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#thebachelorette</a> <a href="https://t.co/G5P2ykMn1L">pic.twitter.com/G5P2ykMn1L</a></div>
— Bachelor Boyfriend (@TheBachelorBF) <a href="https://twitter.com/TheBachelorBF/status/1001276772279779329?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 29, 2018</a></blockquote>
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So I watched <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/TheBachlorette?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#TheBachlorette</a> for the first time and I’m still livid about the fake Harry Potter fan who tried to impress the girl with an “expecto patronuS” tattoo. I’m equally mad at her for not calling it out??</div>
— Meghna (@meghna266) <a href="https://twitter.com/meghna266/status/1001326830438281216?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 29, 2018</a></blockquote>
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Also, the book came out 19 years ago, the movie 14 years ago, and you got this tattoo when? You're impressing a girl with a decades old movie reference?<br />
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That being said, one time a girl was impressed that I knew who Audrey Hepburn was (or at least she pretended to be impressed)...so maybe that stuff does work.<br />
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Also, Becca gave the first impression rose to Minivan Garrett. Good choice Becca.<br />
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Rose ceremony time! Becca hands one out to Lincoln the <a href="https://www.lifeandstylemag.com/posts/lincoln-from-the-bachelorette-156336" target="_blank">weird pooper</a>, Blake in the bad red jacket, Ricky, Jean Blanc the fake french dude, Christon the dunker (girls do like getting dunked on), Clay the Play D'oh guy, Mills (or maybe it's Wills), Conner, Jason, Sean, Ryan in the flower jacket, Alex, Nick, Trent, Colton the cystic fibrosis guy, Chicken man, Jordan the model, the Long haired guy that looks like Weird Al and Fabio's lovechild, and a couple other dudes. Honestly, these guys have done next to nothing to distinguish themselves from each other in my eyes.<br />
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Grocery Store Joe is going home, but other than that, good riddance to the rest of these jamokes. Kamil seems completely unconcerned that he lost a shot with Becca, but he's very upset that he got embarrassed and that a chicken man "beat" him. Chase still thinks that the only reason he's going home is because Danielle texted Chris and not because he made a whole deal out of it trying to explain his way out of a non-issue.<br />
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Coming up this season - guys fall in love with Becca, Becca cries a lot, Arie gets referenced numerous times, Jordan face IS professionality, Colton is a virgin (maybe?), an ambulance, lots of kissing, camels, a seaplane, and DRAMA!<br />
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<span style="opacity: 0; position: absolute;">https://twitter.com/bambi0921/status/10012771076647731</span><br />
<br />Andy Lassellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05845907876721858770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730106239887111659.post-79243225944358635192018-03-06T22:28:00.001-08:002018-03-06T22:28:17.491-08:00Bachelor 2018: After the Final InsultTonight, a very special episode where we see how far you can push a woman before she murders her ex-fiance on national television!<br />
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Is it possible that Chris Harrison is a vampire that doesn't age? Before we get an answer to that, we have to watch Arie propose on what looks like an airport carpet in front of that turd brown river again. Man it really was a weird looking as I remembered last night.<br />
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"The more I hung out with you, the more I felt like I was losing the possibility of maybe reconciling with Lauren."<br />
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This is a thing he said to his fiancee. A woman he vowed to "choose" every day. What a knob. Also, ABC's edit of this breakup tonight has Arie just up and leaving a crying Becca on the couch without saying anything.....and somehow that's actually better than what really happened.<br />
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Then we get shots of Becca flying home to Minnesota, and then we get Arie talking about how nobody knows what HE is going through. What a dummy. Then he flies to Virginia and creeps around the side of Lauren's house like a perv and has a panic attack.<br />
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Meanwhile, poor Becca has to pose for shots while looking at pictures of the douche that just broke her heart and read the love journal she made for him. This is awful. Now they're making her watch videos of them together on a laptop? This is too much. This is like making Cavs fans watch LeBron highlights after he decided to sign with Miami.<br />
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Lauren apparently knows that Arie has dumped Becca, because she jumps into his arms and gives him a big hug. Lauren has her best shoulderless shirt on.<br />
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Arie then tells Lauren that he didn't pick her because she had a "look" in her eyes one time on a plane. He then goes on to say that he picked Becca because he knew she would be a good wife......like Lauren wouldn't make as good of a wife? What is this all about? How is this working on Lauren? Arie then tells her he definitely made the wrong decision and that he is 100% over Becca. That didn't take long. What an absolute monster.<br />
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Remember last night when his parents basically said he should pick Becca because she'd give him a kick in the ass and take care of him? His whole family knew he was a dumbass fuckboy and thought they maybe had a shot to pass him and his Peter Pan never grow up act on to someone else finally. His parents KNEW he was too dumb to make this decision on his own, and they damn near pulled it off.<br />
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Oh good Caroline is back here to tell us how awful this is for her. She's brought some other girls...Bekah, Tia, Sienne, and Kendall. Tia drops the bomb that Arie already knew Lauren was gonna take him back before he dumped Becca, which.....damn man. That's pretty heartless. Lauren clearly doesn't see that what he did to Becca he could do to her....because well he's telling her all the shit he told Becca a month and a half ago, and she's <a href="https://youtu.be/PIq-iiwVeBs" target="_blank">eating it up like Joey Chestnut</a>.<br />
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Becca's going to be alright, y'all. She's got all of America in her back pocket right now, AND she's not married to Arie! Becca seems like she's gonna be alright, y'all. I'm pretty impressed at her ability to realize this has very little to do with her....she fell in love with a guy who didn't love her back, and she's already on to the next adventure.<br />
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But first, here's the showdown. Of course Arie goes in for the hug. What a dick. I hate that Becca was too nice to shut him down in front of a billion people on live TV.<br />
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So Arie and Becca have their sit down, and the only thing he apologizes for is proposing to her in the first place? My goodness. I can't even with this dude. In the end, Becca goes too easy on him because she's a honest to God good person. Didn't make for great television, but whatever. She's got her priorities in order.<br />
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Jason and Molly are here to talk about how horrible it is to go through this. Jason is pretty good on TV, and really tries to explain that Arie is a good dude, but the Bachelor will turn you into something you're not. I wish someone had done that for Juan Pablo.<br />
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Lauren and Arie are out here talking about how this has made them stronger and how hard this was for them and how this love story had its ups and downs as if there wasn't a woman that was totally wrecked by what he did. Lauren's even out there talking about how Arie couldn't have been more respectful in how he handled this situation. Barf.<br />
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They talk a lot about how much they love each other and then he proposes. She says yes, and we get a great shot of their parents shaking hands. Arie's parents, who were all "Team Becca" last night, now have to smile and break bread with their backup in-laws. That was my favorite moment of the whole night.<br />
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Oh, and Becca is the new Bachelorette. I think they had to offer it to her. She's a great person, but I'm not sure she's great TV. We'll see you in May!<br />
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<br />Andy Lassellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05845907876721858770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730106239887111659.post-35259845917201417952018-03-05T23:33:00.001-08:002018-03-05T23:33:48.036-08:00Bachelor Finale: DRAMAWell after Olympics and youth sports on Mondays the past three weeks, the blog is back for the finale.<br />
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To recap, we've got rid of Bekah for being to young Kendall for being too awesome, and Tia for being too Southern, aka "That's So Raven." If you don't get that joke now, wait a second.<br />
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So we're left with Becca and Lauren. If you've forgotten, Becca is the one with the dufus ex-boyfriend who flew to Peru to get embarrassed on national television, and Lauren is a human "meh" emoji. WHO WILL HE CHOOSE?<br />
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We're off to Peru, which seems like a weird place to end this season, until you remember that they've pretty much covered every traditionally romantic place on the planet over the past 20 years, and also that they did a date in a broke down bowling alley earlier in the season.<br />
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Arie tells his dad that he loves them both and that no matter what he does, he'll be picking the right girl. Somehow I don't think tonight is going to go the way that Arie thinks it's going to. I love how Arie's dad refers to him as "Arie Jr." as if he wants to make sure there's no confusion amongst the viewers as to who the real Arie Luyendyk is.<br />
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Arie's family asks Lauren which date stood out to them. Lauren responds "all of them." She's such a great communicator. She tells the real Arie that she's been engaged before and she's worried that it won't work out again. Arie tells his family that he has to do a lot of reassuring Lauren, and he's wondering if he's going to have to do that forever if he picks her. This kills me, because Arie was looking for reassurance from ALL THE GIRLS ALL SEASON LONG. He's basically saying I don't have time to reassure you, because I'm going to need you to reassure me.<br />
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Lauren just breaks down in tears while talking to Mama Luyendyk, and I'm already scared for her for what's going to happen at the end of this episode. Lauren says she surprised herself by being able to talk about her feelings with Arie's family, and I'm trying to figure out when that happened because the only feeling I heard her really talk about was being nervous.<br />
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Becca's turn. She meets ARie with a long kiss and tells him he looks good in his untucked denim shirt and jeans. Becca sits on a throne of lies. They sit on the edge of a fountain and rub noses and talk about how much they love each other and how today is going to be awesome.<br />
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Arie's mom is no dummy. She mentions Lauren was nervous about being engaged before and wondering about Becca's reservations....basically trying to get her to talk about Ross, but Becca doesn't take the bait. They show Arie and his mom talking, and she says "if I were you, I'd lean towards......" but they don't finish the sentence. I'll bet that's editing on ABC's part and she actually did have an opinion.<br />
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Arie Sr. tells Becca that he's sure she's met Lauren and knows how great she is......what a weird way to lead off a conversation. Becca says she's a great girl, but they're very different and she made better connections with other girls. "I hate being compared to her...it's like comparing an apple to a starfish" she says. I'm not sure who is the apple and who is the starfish. Arie's family misses no opportunity to let Becca know that they all met Lauren and liked her.....they're really putting the "dyk" in Luyendyk right now. Becca wants to puke and hates talking about Lauren. Can't say I blame her.<br />
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Arie's family definitely has a preference. Arie keeps trying to justify Lauren, saying "you don't see it, but she can be really funny and dance around and stuff." The family then says "ok glad we you justified that, but we love Becca for you." Arie Sr. says "you need a kick in the ass sometimes, and Becca's going to be the one to give it to you." Such a dad thing to say. "You never listened to me, maybe you'll listen to her."<br />
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Arie seems a little bummed his family didn't pick Lauren. He says he's going to have to drop her if she doesn't give him some more reassurance that she's the one on their date.<br />
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Caroline is back to talk about how hard this has been for for her to watch. Never before has a girl who got sent home so early been given such a platform. Screw her. She's basically Chris Harrison's hype-woman right now. She's up there to act as offended as possible to get people to keep watching, and I hate it.<br />
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Arie tells us he's pretty sure it's Becca, so it's going to be tough to go on a date with Lauren, but he's going to try to have fun. Such a gentleman, trying to have fun before he breaks this girl's heart. They head off to Machu Picchu. They take a train, point at stray dogs, kiss some, and talk about what their dogs would think if they ever met each other. They say things like "Wow. That's insane. That's so cool. That's amazing. It's incredible. We are lucky that we are here." Who knew Machu Picchu could render you speechless? I've never seen two people who tried so hard to say what they think they're supposed to say to each other. It's like bad high school theater of two people pretending to be married.<br />
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Lauren and Arie have another one of their deep conversations where neither of them have their heartbeat get above 45. Lauren's reaction to pretty much everything can be summed up in one gif:<br />
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Arie feels like he's in love with Lauren, and after making out with her and hearing how much she loves him, he's feeling like he should be marrying her at this moment. Uh oh. Clearly he completed his mission of having fun with her and now he doesn't want to break up with her because she might blink and say "I don't love that." That'd be hard for him to hear, I'd imagine.<br />
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Becca's got a lot of rain on the day of her final date, which is probably terrible foreshadowing for her. The bad omen's continue as they have a picnic in what looks like a random alpaca field as the wind whips around and thunder crashes in the distance. Can we talk for a second about how screwed Becca has gotten the past few weeks? ABC flies in her ex boyfriend but neither of Lauren's ex-fiances? Lauren gets a fantasy suite with a jacuzzi tub, Becca gets a goddamn tent in the desert. Lauren gets Machu Picchu, Becca gets an alpaca farm in the rain. If I didn't know better, I'd say ABC was handicapping this race.<br />
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Becca then shares her fears with Arie, who frankly does a shit job of reassuring her at all. Becca then gives him a scrapbook of their time together. She uses her "do the damn thing" catchphrase, puts in pictures with the caption "143"......she's like maddeningly normal. She'd be the boring girl on this season if not for Lauren, who is like a cardboard cutout of a Bachelor contestant.<br />
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Harrison then gives us the two bachelors who have done the multiple women thing before....Ben Higgins and Jason Mesnick. Ben famously told both JoJo and the original Lauren B. both that he loved them before dumping JoJo. Jason picked one girl, then after the show ended broke it off to pick the other girl. That was before my time watching this show, but I'll bet that was pretty crazy stuff when it happens. Also, for my money, I don't know why everyone thinks Ben Higgins was such a great bachelor. Without a doubt Brad Womack is the best one there's ever been. I mean, they had him on twice! He's the Archie Griffin of Bachelors.<br />
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Arie picks the ring with Neil Lane in one of Neil's shortest stints ever on this show. Poor Neil got his time cut so we could see this disaster play out in real time.<br />
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It's so weird to me that Arie the Dutch dude is proposing in Peru amongst all these Peruvian things....but I guess that's how it goes. Lauren's the first out the limo, and it doesn't look good for her right now. Lauren walks towards Arie, dodging alpacas as a muddy brown river flows rather forcefully behind him. What a weird setting.<br />
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Lauren says she's freaking out. Her expression says she is heavily sedated. Arie, being the great guy he his, says nothing. Lauren then lays her heart out, and Arie just shakes his head, before telling her she's not the one. Lauren says "I'm extremely confused." Her face says "is it time for bed yet?" Arie gives her a hug and says "I'm so sorry" and then walks her out. This was not very dramatic, ABC...and then before he drops her in the limo, she says "why did you do that?" Such a great question. Arie apologizes for putting her through that, then she says "I still love you." Arie kisses her on the cheek and says "I love you too." So very weird.<br />
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Lauren then asks a lot of great questions in the reject limo she should've told him when she had the chance, like "how could he propose if he didn't know what to do until 3 hours ago?" and then says "I feel like he's making a big mistake."<br />
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Here comes Becca, through the alpaca obstacle course to meet Arie by the Muddy River. She lays her soul bare in front of him, just like Lauren did. Arie then goes into his "from the moment I met you...." speech. Then he gets down on one knee, opens the ring and says "I choose you today, and I choose you every day from here on out." She says yes, and everything seems amazing. Honestly I thought he was going to call her Lauren. Arie says "when are we going to start having babies?" Becca says "tonight!" Oh man, she's super happy. What the hell happens?<br />
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We get some home video footage of the two of them making out and kissing. Then we get some filmed stuff of them together, which I don't think we've ever really seen before. Do they normally keep the camera crews on them? Arie's thinking about Lauren all the time apparently. Arie seems way too casual about what he's about to do to this poor woman.<br />
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So he's decided 100% that he's all in on Lauren? What if Lauren says no? What if Lauren says "dude, you had your chance?" We'll find out I guess, after Arie just eviscerates Becca on TV. People in the crowd start booing, as if Arie is making this decision to please them. You monsters created this man!<br />
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ABC goes double box on Arie and Becca's face, and Arie goes into how he's been struggling and that the reality is that that he still thinks about Lauren and then he says "the more time I spend with you, the more I realized that I might be losing the chance to reconcile with Lauren." Holy shit dude, do you not know how engagements work?<br />
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Arie then basically tells Becca she was the girl he was supposed to pick, but Lauren was the girl he should have picked. At this point, Becca takes the ring off her finger. She's done. Arie continues to try to explain himself, and predictably does a terrible job, because there's no justifying this crap. Arie then tells her that he's doing her favor by not making her go on "After the Final Rose" to talk about this. Then he says "I've put a lot of thought into this" which is pretty shitty to say to someone you just blindsided and has had literally five minutes to process your shady decision.<br />
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Becca then announces she is done, and walks off to pack her stuff. Arie then goes to tell her he's going to leave, and that he just feels like if he leaves now there will still be more to say. Becca just tells him to leave. He stands there and looks at her until she turns and walks into another room. He then slowly turns and walks out of the house as Becca cries in a closet. Arie, of course, doesn't actually leave. He just hangs out on the porch looking at the ring he gave Becca....because he's apparently trying to get murdered. Why doesn't he just call Lauren from the porch and ask her what she's wearing while he's at it?<br />
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Oh fuck me he's going back inside.<br />
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And then he knocks on the door and asks her if she's ok.....oh man. Oh man oh man oh man. What is he doing? Why would he do this? The only explanation for this is that he's not sure Lauren's going to take him back and he's trying to somehow leave the door open for a reconciliation with Becca, which....fat fucking chance bro. You are toast.<br />
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I seriously thought after last week that Ross had no shot of reconciling with Becca. He'd just basically embarrassed her and himself on national TV. Then Arie had to go all "hold my beer," and now I think that Ross may have just found his golden ticket to Becca's chocolate factory.<br />
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Arie keeps wanting her to say something, but I'm not sure what it is. Becca finally says "I feel like my future was ripped away." That's it. Hit him where it hurts. Then she follows it up with "I love you and I want you to be happy even if it's not with me."<br />
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NO BECCA. BAD BECCA. Do not give this sociopath any more validation.<br />
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Arie then tells Becca that he wants her to know how he's feeling, which is "in love with Lauren?" Cripes dude. What are we still doing here?<br />
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Arie better hope Lauren takes him back.<br />
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Holy hell....Becca is live in studio watching this? I gotta say I didn't see that coming. Remember how she said she was ready to start making babies the night of the proposal? What if she's pregnant right now??? <br />
<br />Andy Lassellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05845907876721858770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730106239887111659.post-22120330376634268892018-01-30T00:27:00.001-08:002018-01-30T00:33:36.075-08:00Bachelor 2018 Week 5: Arie You Kidding Me?So this week kicks off in Fort Lauderdale. What happened to the budget of this show? Didn't they used to leave Los Angeles for foreign countries immediately? Now we're going to spring break locations that are affordable to the brokest of college students. Tune in next week for a trip to Paris.....Texas.<br />
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Not wasting any time, Arie shows up and takes Chelsea out on a date. The rest of the women, who apparently left every article of clothing that covered their belly button back at the mansion sit around and complain about not getting the date. But wait...Maquel is back, and she's wearing a whole dress! It's like she's the one person that misinterpreted the invitation to a party and showed up in a costume. Poor Maquel.<br />
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Chelsea and Arie cruise around on a yacht and jet ski as the other women watch them through a telescope. This is what people had to do before Facebook to see what their exes were up to with other women.<br />
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Chelsea and Arie's date is pretty run of the mill, but at dinner Chelsea really lays on the tragic backstory. Her ex was apparently rich and made her life super easy. I get the feeling he was like ten years older than her and it was a really sugar daddy situation. Anyways, after seven years, she got pregnant and he dumped her six months after their son was born. He shacked up with another woman whom he is now married to and they have a child of their own. Chelsea says "I was left with nothing but my trash bags and my possessions." Ummmmm....and the kid, right? That adorable little bugger you keep reminding everyone you're missing time with while you travel around the country with this guy and his dozen other girlfriends? <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwzoDS3zL_4" target="_blank"><strike>Reba McEntire</strike> Colonel Sanders</a> has a song called <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zplc4Ienkws" target="_blank">"Fancy"</a> about a very poor woman whose mom buys her a fancy dress to impress the fellas at a dance so that she can escape her life of poverty. I feel like that's how Chelsea is treating being on this show. Here's your one chance Chelsea don't let me down.<br />
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Chelsea (sort of) recovers by saying "I've never had less, and yet I feel like I've never had so much," which I think is a reference to her son, but really could be to her Twitter followers. Who knows. Arie buys it though, and gives her a rose. Good for her.<br />
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Group date time, and we're going bowling at the bowling alley time forgot. It's like that scene in Field of Dreams where Ray leaves the hotel and it's 1972 again. And why does this bowling alley not have pint glasses to drink beer out of? Everyone is drinking from those cheap plastic cups that you usually see at a dentist's office or something. Seriously, they couldn't even afford Solo? What happened to you, Bachelor? The show is like Chelsea....never had so little.<br />
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Arie tells the girls at the start that they're going to have a competition: winners get to go to an after party, the losers go home. Krystal is already pounding the beer from these little cups. At one point she leads the girls on her team in a prayer in which she asks her dogs to be their angels and lead them to victory. This is hands down the craziest thing that's ever happened on the show. Anyways, Krystal's team wins, and Bekah, Kendall, a couple of the anonymous blonde girls (Jenna and Lauren maybe?) and Marikh are sent to this weird locker room type thing to think about how they just lost a chance at furthering their relationships with Arie because they suck at bowling.<br />
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Arie quickly surveys the winning team and realizes that he doesn't get to tongue wrestle with the 22 year old or the crazy hot chick with the dead animals, and does an about face on the sending the losers home. Sports in America today man....orange slices, trophies and dates for everyone.<br />
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Krystal is super pissed about this (she does have a legitimate beef here I think) and just continues to drink and rage. She rips off her bowling shirt in the living room of the suite and saunters back into the bedroom to drink some more I'd presume. She emerges later and tells everyone "I packed all my stuff I'm so mad that he went back on his word." This explains why she's wearing a bathrobe. SHE LITERALLY PACKED ALL HER STUFF! Krystal does what she says, God damnit. She lets the other girls know she will not be going on their date. The girls kinda shrug and give her a Cowboy Bill farewell:<br />
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At the party, Arie, ever attentive, says "hey, we're all here!" After the girls correct him, he heads out to find Krystal. Classic Bachelor move. Nine girls happy to see you, one girl pissed at you for no real reason, and you abandon the nine normal ones to go deal with crazy. I never understand why the girls don't just disband at that point. I remember one time I was at Shari's with a girl in college (not a date, just some late night food with friends) and she got up to go talk to someone else in the restaurant. Forty minutes later, she still hadn't returned to our table, so I figured she was going home with them and left. I felt like that was the appropriate response. Turns out the guy she was talking to had recently lost his sister to suicide, which kind of explained everything. Only she never told me that was what was up, so I didn't know. Live and learn. I'm off topic.</div>
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Arie goes to talk to Krystal, who is way less angry than her prior actions indicated. She's just kind upset that he told them one thing and then did the other. Arie denies doing this, but that's exactly what he did. He tries to wriggle out of it by saying he wasn't going to cut Krystal's time short, just extend the evening to give everyone time. Because everyone wants to sit around until 4 am to have a chance to talk to you, Arie. He leaves by saying "I think you should stay in the room, and I'll talk to you in a couple days." Arie just grounded her! The other ladies should approve: I think he just proved he'll make a great father with the way he handled that situation. </div>
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Krystal, feeling a bit sheepish for her actions, unpacks a very flowery dress that looks like you might wear to an Easter family function and sashays into the after party just as Bekah does yet another Krystal impression. Do you think the other women are like "Bekah does THE BEST Krystal impression! Hey Bek! Do it again!" or do they roll their eyes as she makes the same joke for the 1,000th time? Krystal tries to justify her actions, but she knows she just did the exact same thing she's allegedly pissed at Arie for doing, so she retreats back to her hotel suite without even talking to Arie. Probably a good move, since he grounded you and would like totally take away your cell phone for violating your curfew. </div>
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Up next is a one an one date with Tia. They take one of those hydroplane thingys around the everglades looking for gators. Arie, realizing that he hasn't compared love to a demolition derby car or a dog show or a yacht or any other date prop on the show yet, chooses this alligator to be his allegory: "Looking at this alligator reminds me that love is scary."</div>
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Moving on.....Arie takes Tia to Gerald's house. I don't get the sense that this place is a hotel or a B&B or anything like that. It's just the shack of a dude that lives in the Everglades, seemingly miles from any other humans. Gerald is exactly the kind of person you would expect to live in such a place. He's very friendly, but you get the sense he's either hiding from the law or is required by the law to live out here. Gerald built this place with his bare hands after it burned to the ground "in the first part of 2000." WHO BURNED IT DOWN AND WHY, GERALD? Gerald likes to go "froggin'," which Tia helpfully describes as shining a spotlight on a frog and spearing it with a ten foot pole. Froggin' is not a healthy way to spend your time, Gerald. </div>
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Tia wins the award for first girl to tell Arie she loves you, as she shyly avoids eye contact in her JC Penney Jr. Prom dress. Arie also looks like he's headed to Jr. Prom, in clothes he found in the back of his father's closet from twenty years ago. Nothing about this dinner says "romantic meal for two people contemplating marriage," including the giant neon sign behind them that says "LIVE BAIT." Nonetheless, they have maybe the most in depth conversation two people have had on this show in quite some time.....even going so far as to discuss their thoughts on God and if they can work out a relationship despite having differing theological viewpoints. They then kiss at the table before walking up by the Live Bait sign and kissing again. "I've been waiting for you to push me up against something," Tia coos, as Arie strokes her collar bone as he makes out with her? Seriously, what is that? It's not normal, and it makes me think that Arie has been taking lessons from Gerald on how to seduce women and murder them in the Everglades.</div>
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With all the dates done, it's time for the cocktail party. I'm expecting all the girls to have one on one time with Arie, but instead they all spend their one on one time with Krystal. It's amazing how, season after season, these girls always get so wrapped up in what the villain is doing and take their eyes off the prize. Bekah, Tia, and Kendall all confront Krystal who just continues to say the same thing over and over again: "I was hurt and who hasn't lashed out in that situation?"</div>
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Kendall does actually talk to Arie too, and she has this book of 100 questions. This was a popular thing in the 1990s....I remember having a book of questions and writing my answers down in it, but Kendall has made her own questions. Arie asks for #99 (his racing number) and she flips through and reads it:</div>
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"If you were amongst a tribe of people who had the ritual of eating the bodies of recently deceased people, would you try human flesh?"</div>
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I don't think I'd ever want to date Kendall, but God damn I need that woman in my life. She can be my neighbor. We'll invite her over for pizza and board games every Friday. I'll bet she gives the best answers in Balderdash. </div>
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Krystal (ugh) also gets her moment with Arie, and she tries to wriggle her way out of trouble by suggesting that the date triggered her PTSD because her mom (who was emotionally unavailable) worked in a bowling alley, and the men she brought home from this bowling alley would make her promises and then not follow through. That's right, Arie.....she just compared you to the guy who picks up the shoe girl at the bowling alley and tells he loves her so he can sleep with her. Yikes. Arie does not seem to be buying it. "We just had our first fight!" Krystal jokes. "Could be our last fight too" Arie quips back, in the first likeable moment he's had all season. </div>
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On most girls, I feel like that line might've sent them into tears. However, we're dealing with a girl who prayed to her dogs to deliver a bowling victory. Then again, those angel bowling dogs delivered, so I'm sure Krystal's convinced that it's their last fight because once they're rid of all these other bitches and living together in Scottsdale they will never be angry with each other again.</div>
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Rose Ceremony time! Only real drama is if Krystal will get a rose. She does, meaning Maquel, Ashley and Marikh are sent packing. Rough week for Maquel - grandpa dies, returns to the show to go bowling in Ft. Lauderdale, and then is sent home again. If she'd milked the dead grandpa thing another week, she'd have been cruising the Seine by the Eiffel Tower in Paris. Those are the breaks, kid. </div>
<br />Andy Lassellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05845907876721858770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730106239887111659.post-70787993689575233532018-01-22T23:49:00.001-08:002018-01-22T23:49:04.310-08:00Bachelor 2018 Week 4: Age Ain't Nothing but a NumberAnd that number is 14....as in Bekah is 14 years younger than Arie. This is a huge problem, apparently. You know what isn't a big deal? Maquel's age. She's 13 years younger than Arie, but nobody seems to care about that.<br />
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Harrison shows up and sends the girls into conniptions because they're heading to South Lake Tahoe! Ten years ago I probably would've been annoyed with the unnecessary distinction of "South" Lake Tahoe, but then I moved to North Albany, and now I totally get it.<br />
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Seinne gets the first solo date of the Tahoe portion of our journey. Arie goes parasailing with Seinne, and Seinne tells us that parasailing is "almost like flying" and "about letting go." Actually, it's exactly like flying, and it's not about letting go because you are literally attached to a rope. Parachuting....that's about letting go. Didn't this girl go to Yale?<br />
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Arie then tells Seinne that he likes doing things outdoors, and that's what he loves about Scottsdale. The average high temperature in Scottsdale is over 100 degrees all summer and that sounds miserable to be outside. I guess the temps being in the sixties and seventies all winter would be nice though.<br />
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So far this episode sucks. Seinne is too chill to be interesting, and Arie just can't carry a conversation. The boring episode is salvaged a little bit, but unfortunately it's because Maquel's grandfather died. She's heading out, and the other girls just sit on the couch and watch her cry and pack in silence. I can't tell if this is bullshit editing by ABC to make the girls look like heartless monsters or if they're actually all that psychotic. Either way, I feel terrible for Maquel.<br />
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The group date names are announced, and it's only significant because Bekah isn't named, meaning she gets the one on one. Krystal is pissed and doesn't understand why he'd take someone so young on the date. The translation is that she is pissed he didn't take her on another one on one date. I'll never get why every season there's always one girl that thinks she's the only one on the show and doesn't understand that for there to even be a show, he has to at least pretend to like a few other girls. Actually, he doesn't even have to pretend...he just has to go on dates with other girls so ABC can pretend he likes them. Krystal sucks<br />
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Back on the solo date, Seinne tells Arie she wants him to teach her how to wink. Can you learn how to wink, or is it like rolling your tongue? I have no idea, so I googled "learn to wink." There are some great suggestions like "focus on your eye and think 'move, move, move'" and "hold one eye open with your fingers while you close the other one." Tell me you wouldn't love to see Arie trying to train Seinne's eyes to wink. Instead, Arie laughs his weird semi creepy laugh and then we move on. Seinne is now reminding us that there were no fairy tale love stories involving black women pre-Princess and the Frog. She says something about how she feels like her being on this show is something young black girls can look up to. I can't tell if she actually thinks that, or if she's using that Yale education to put Arie on the spot and feel like he's letting all the girls from minority races down if he lets her go. It's a pretty strong play though either way.....and it works. She gets the rose.<br />
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Time for the group date. Arie takes the ladies out into the woods to have a survival date with the straight up creepiest couple in Reality TV history. This serial killer looking dude and his British wife are super excited to get these girls to pee in canteens in case they need to drink it....as if they're going to be out in the Tahoe wilderness for a month instead of two hours. Arie then drinks his "pee" which is actually apple juice. Marikh says that Gandhi drank his own pee because he thought it was nutritious, which is the kind of fake news bullshit that is ruining America. Donald Trump would be super proud of that one.<br />
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Up next is some bug eating and then a nature hike to a secluded hot tub. Krystal tries to canoodle up to Arie, which leads to one of the best moments in Bachelor history in my opinion. Caroline and Tia then cuddle exactly like she's cuddling with Arie and say "we have strategy too!" which kills the cuddle vibe for Arie and also tips Krystal a little closer to crazy town. Now all of a sudden she's too mature to be in the hot tub and starts talking about how she feels like she's in high school and everyone's in love with the camp counselor. If that's what happens at high school girls camps, I need to advise every adult male to not be a camp counselor unless they want to end up on Nancy Grace.<br />
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At the post party, Arie tells Lauren that "he should take her on a date" and he tells Kendall "She is so brave" because she ate a bug. The way Arie talks to them kind of reminds me of that nervous interview guy that Chris Farley used to play on SNL....."remember that time you ate a bug and then we kissed? That was awesome."<br />
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Krystal then dominates the remainder of the night, whining to Arie about how ostracized she feels and blah blah blah. She then whispers to Arie that he should tell Tia, who is tryign to interrupt, that he needs one more minute, which is diabolical...and totally works because Arie is a total wuss. She then calls Tia and Caroline over to tell her that they hurt her feelings by poking fun at the fact that she was cuddling with the only man in the hot tub. Krystal then tells Tia that she is here for Arie, otherwise she wouldn't be putting up with her bullshit. Amazing.<br />
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Tia then cries on Arie's shoulder....not because Krystal is frustrating her, but because she's scared of how much she likes him.<br />
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Thankfully this date comes to an end, and Tia gets it. Krystal is flummoxed. Arie wastes no time in leaving the girls to kill each other, as he all but sprints out of the room and says "welp see ya later!" What a douche. I don't get what these girls see in him really.....maybe he's better off camera, but all I see is a sorta good looking guy with really dumb jokes and no ability to engage in a serious or deep conversation. If you were the Bachelorette and signed up all the realtors in Scottsdale, would he even make it out of the first night?<br />
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Arie and Bekah like to talk about how deep and enriching their conversations are, but all we hear is talk about the weather and how they've never been to Tahoe and how good they are at kissing each other and how pretty the water is and holy shit it's all just filler between kisses. I don't care if you guys are just horny for each other, but don't patronize America by telling us how deep you are.<br />
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I thought about typing everything that these two said to each other to illustrate how insanely inane the conversations these two have are...but it really just ended up being both of them saying "like" and "you know" to each other sixty billion times<br />
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Arie wraps up the date by threatening to send her home because "she's the most amazing person he's ever met in his life, but he NEEDS a wife." He doesn't, he just sends gives her a rose and tells her he's lucky she's there. He'll send her home next week.<br />
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Arie then kills the cocktail party and makes all the girls start sweating by heading straight to the rose ceremony. I like how it's seen as a kind gesture to the girls going home to make them get all dressed up and then send them home before the free food and booze at the fancy party. Krystal then pulls a Krystal and steals Arie away during the rose ceremony to get her final word in. I'm looking forward to all the girls accepting roses and then immediately giving them back if Krystal doesn't go home. It'll be like that scene in Rudy where all the players lay their jerseys down until Rudy gets to play.<br />
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Also, why don't all the other girls then demand the same amount of one on one time he just gave Krystal? That only seems fair and if Arie is willing to hear one girl out and not you, then you don't want to be with him anyways. It's a bold move and one I think would win the hearts of America.<br />
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Lauren, Ashley, Becca, Chelsea, Jenna, Kendall, Jacqueline, Marikh, and Kendall join Tia, Seinne and Bekah with roses. Gone are Caroline and Brittney. I had Caroline going far because she seemed like one of those under the radar girls that is just nice and easy to get along with but doesn't do anything that merits TV time. Will Maquel make a re-entry next week? Will Krystal be murdered in her sleep?<br />
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TUNE IN NEXT WEEK!<br />
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<br />Andy Lassellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05845907876721858770noreply@blogger.com0