Has it been explained to us why we're doing two nights this week? Is it just because Whitefish, Montana was so spectacular that the ladies provided THAT much material? How is it that Chris Harrison hasn't said "Montana is the most DRAMATIC location that we have EVER been to!"
Chris does get the ladies fired up by telling them that they're packing their bags for their worldwide tour, but the "you're going to Montana" proclamation doesn't elicit quite the squealing reaction that we're accustomed to.
Selma wants to thank Sean for putting the ladies up at a cozy lodge. Yes, because Sean planned all of this. Lindsey the girl who isn't from DC, gets the one on one date and is so happy she cries about it. Sean wants to see if she "could potentially be his wife." Now might be time to start figuring that out, buddy. How better to do that than in a helicopter over Glacier National Park. They have a picnic on a patch of tundra where the only food served is each other's tongues. The conversation isn't much more filling, as they say "I feel like I already know you." "I think you do. And I know you. Here have some more of my tongue."
Somehow we're already on to the dinner portion of the date. Sean's talking about how amazing the day was, but ABC just summed it up in about 45 seconds. Lindsey has daddy issues, but like the right kind of issues as her dad was a general who was off defending the country. She might be the first person in Bachelor history to have "healthy issues." Sean, the self proclaimed Prince of Sincerity, recognizes it in Lindsey and gives her the same thing thing for dinner she had for lunch - his tongue.
The group date comes out, but what's more important is who is not on it - Tierra and the pretty redhead whose name escapes me. Tierra's fired up about it, meaning she's probably going to treat it like a one on one date and redhead's going to be just a third wheel that gets sent home. Some girl says Tierra looks like "happy as a bee filled with honey" which is like saying she's as happy as a "cow filled with milk." Yeesh.
Back on with Lindsey, Sean gives her the rose and then takes her downtown to be serenaded by Sarah Darling. If you're asking who Sarah Darling is, get in line. Wikipedia explains that she lost a reality show (go figure!) because Wayne Newton thought she wasn't slutty enough for Vegas or something like that. Also, she sold 8,000 digital copies of a song, winning some award for "most downloads of a song by someone nobody's ever heard of." Whitefish loves her though. Although the loudest cheers seemed to be when Sean and his abs showed up, and then when Ms. Darling said "looking good Montana!" which always cracks me up. Why do people go nuts at concerts when the performer says their cities name? Is it a surprise? "oh my God, Sarah Darling just said MONTANA!!!!! She knows about us!" It always mystifies me.
Sean's going for another "active" group date. It's funny because this might be the most un-athletic batch of ladies ever to appear on an ABC show not named Wipeout. The volleyball date featured a lot more of the ball in the sand than being volleyed, and they were so bad at rollerskating that someone went to the hospital and they cancelled the roller derby. The Montana Relay involves canoeing, bucking hay, sawing logs and milking a goat and then drinking the fruits of their labor. Selma and Robin set a new record for canoeing futility, to which my wife says 'how have they never canoed before?" I try to explain that I've never really canoed before, and she's just incredulous. People in Wisconsin canoe, OK? Don't ever forget it.
The lead the blue team built up while Robin and Selma were playing bumper boats with themselves evaporates at the hay bucking when blue team breaks their bale. I could make a comment to my wife about "how have they never moved hay bales before?" but that just seems like it'd be in mean spirits. She can read it in the blog tomorrow. In any event, Desiree chugs goat milk like she just ate 14 Oreos and brings it home for the red team. I'm glad, because now we don't have to see the water works from Sarah as she talks about how her one arm prevented her team from winning, prompting Sean to say everyone can stay and, surprise, you all get roses! ABC might have rigged this to avoid that exact scenario.
Chris takes us to commercial be reminding us how shocked we're going to be about tomorrow night's girl falls into freezing cold water and requires medical attention event. At this point, nothing is going to shock me because I think after the 47th teaser I've seen this week, I'm pretty sure I've got the gist of it. Back at the house, Chris shows up and HOLY CRAP I ALMOST CALLED THIS!! He's invited the blue team back to join them! Of course he did. Sean just has to go out of his way to prove how sincere he is about this journey. He's like those people who have to prove how amazing things are by saying "amaze-balls" or something equally absurd that really just means the same thing as amazing. Sean hopes the winning team understands his process. Selma's pissed and wonders why she just crashed her canoe into a bush and almost cost her team to lose. Robyn is pissed that she didnt' get extra time with Sean, even though she is getting extra time while the blue team is primping. Meanwhile, back at the house, Tierra who was so happy that she didn't get to go on the group date so she'd get more alone time, is now suddenly pissed she isn't on the group date, so she steals someones sweaty lumberjack competition shirt and makes her way over to the party to surprise Sean. Apparently Whitefish really isn't very big. Also, high praise for the producer who asked Sean "are you expecting any other surprises tonight?" as Tierra creeps around like a sparkly raccoon before throwing her little paws over his eyes and cooing "guess who?" God I hate this woman.
Tierra starts talking about how she "came all the way to Montana" to spend time with Sean. Really? You did this all on your own? She is the absolute worst. She pulls the "two on one date is a slap in the face" card and then says "tomorrow we'll have more time to talk and have fun" out the other side of her mouth. Ugh. She then leaves before any of the other girls see her, which is really disappointing. Sean's gotta let them know at the end of the night that this happens right? He knows Tierra is absolutely going to spill the beans and all hell is going to break loose, right?
Des gets some one on one time, but is interrupted by AshLee, who goes for the crazy intense angle and the very played out "this is a fairy tale to me, and it's hard to think of you with other people" blah blah blah. Sean tells her he's crazy about her, which is of course exactly what she wants to hear. For a sincere guy, he shovels a lot of bullshit. He then tells Catherine he loves her because he doesn't have to worry about her and she looks super cute...which is exactly what SHE wants to hear, and then Daniella, who is crying because he likes the other girls, "he tells her how much he loves spending time with her and she's not being forgotten and that's what SHE wants to hear and now it's all better and she gets to make out with him and everything is AMAZING! Just please give out a rose so we can move on here Sean. And please, for the love of God, give it to someone on the red team......nope, he gives it to the most emotional blue team girl - Daniella. How can this guy be so sensitive to the girls needs, and yet so insensitive at the same time? It's amazing. He's somehow figured out how to make the girls love him, then instead of hating him, they seem to hate that they love him, and now they love that they hate loving him and he's the only person who has ever stirred these passions inside them and they'll follow him into the pits of hell if he asked them. I'm awestruck that this guy is able to spin this web armed only with a few muscles and some platitudes.
Also, did you know someone requires medical attention tomorrow?
Tierra's still basking in her own boldness from sneaking over to the group date. She's cackling to herself that "Jackie has no clue she's going on a date with me and my husband." My God this looks like the most uncomfortable car ride ever for these two. Jackie thinks Sean looks good on a horse. As if he doesn't look good other times. Jackie got the crappy horse (CONVENIENT!) and the quiet girl doesn't get a chance to join in the conversation. She decides she needs to level the playing field by talking shit about Tierra.
She gets her one on one time and tells Sean that she wants to make sure that Sean knows she's "real and what he sees is what he gets with her." Sean asks if she's implying other girls aren't, and Jackie picks up on the subtle hint that Sean wants her to drop it, but she just can't help herself. She has to comment that Tierra thought a guy at the airport was cute. OH MY GOD! You know what? My wife has an open crush on Mitch Canham, former OSU baseball player. My mom told me yesterday that her favorite commercial was the Calvin Klein one where some angry looking dude in underpants flexes all those muscles in his torso I will never have. People think other people are cute, it's not a crime. It doesn't break up families. Jackie just sealed her fate (although we already knew this since Tierra has already been seen in the teasers for the ice breaking calamity that is tomorrow night.
Moving on to dinner, and the conversation is....lacking. What do these dates actually prove? I don't think they ever accomplish anything in terms of actually confirming or changing feelings. The dates go terribly and you have to drop who you were planning on dropping coming into the date. Tierra gets her one on one time and says that she's scared "because she has the biggest heart, and I'm just scared." Sean asks her to elaborate, and it turns out that having a big heart means that your boyfriend died while battling a drug addiction. Well, after that story, there's no way she's going home. One girl uses her one on one time to say "well she thought some dude at the airport was cute," and the other says "my boyfriend was a drug addict and it killed him." Who are you going to feel closer to? Sean ends up giving Tierra the rose, saying "thanks for opening up, it hasn't always been easy, and now I understand why." I'm not sure that dead drug boyfriend has anything to do with sneaking over to group dates to play a flirty game of "Guess Who?" but Sean sees the correlation.
Tierra gets fireworks and a rose and looks like she's forgotten completely about her deceased bff/boyfriend. Jackie is crying and thank God ABC didn't superimpose the fireworks into the rear window of the limo as she's driving awa.....oh never mind they'll just superimpose them OVER the limo as it drives away. Can always count on them to be predictable. They know why we watch.
Time for the cocktail party - and the girls are a little bummed Tierra is still around. I think now that she's got the rose, she'll drop that she made her way over to the group date. We'll see. Sean feels a weight has been lifted after the group date, which means he's an idiot. Tierra is the weight, and she's only going to get heavier as she gets closer to "winning."
Des has figured out that Sean gives roses to charity cases. Sean tells her "I get why other girls on your team would be upset, but not you. You don't need the rose." What? Everyone needs roses on this show Sean. If you don't have a rose, you don't stay around. What an idiot. He's like baiting Desiree to say "I'm confused why you kept Tierra." She's not taking the bait though, because he's already established a record of sending people home who question his decisions on other girls.
Tierra's feeling the heat, and storms out of the room. "honestly, I wish I was a fighter because I would beat the *bleep* out of all these bitches!" Which is like saying "I wish I was rich, because then I'd buy stuff." Robin wants to turn this into a bad girls club, which means nothing to me, but probably makes sense to most reality junkies. Then they have a conversation where neither of them make a lick of sense, but Tierra is the least-sensiest. "YOU'RE INSECURE! I COULD GET ENGAGED IF I WANT! THERE'S PLENTY OF GUYS OUT THERE!" Of course some girl will take it upon herself to point this comment out to Sean, and he'll thank her and then send her home for bad mouthing Tierra. He's gotta be keeping her around because he's hoping to cop a feel on her or something, right? There's no other possible explanation for keeping this psycho around.
Sean walks in and catches Tierra saying "my stinger will come out" and NOW he's like "oh, maybe she IS different around the girls?" He asks Tierra what's going on, and Tierra says "they're attacking me about everything." He asks for specifics, and she has none. What should be obvious to Sean is that Tierra is a very polarizing person and that he's going to be dealing with this as long as she's around - and that goes for after the show is over. Sean is wondering if she's the sweet girl he thinks she is, or if she's this person EVERYONE ELSE AROUND HIM IS SAYING SHE IS. We've all been there...hell most of my dating in college involved people around me saying "um....buddy?" and me saying "No dude, you just don't know her like I do!" and then a few months later me going "WHY DIDN'T YOU GUYS TELL ME???" But then again, I was 19.
Finally, we get our first shot of the Bachelor staring at 5x7's of the ladies with a perplexed look on his face. Chris is also here to act as Sean's sounding board. Chris seems to be steering this towards "dude you're conflicted - put the fear of God in these ladies." Sean, for the first time, says he's not sure he can see his wife in the room. So, even though he's been on the show and seen it not work out before, he's only now entertaining the idea that he might not be getting married at the end of this? He's so much dumber than we imagined!
Chris works the girls over pretty good, and Sean comes in to really grind them down. This is not going to be a happy rose ceremony. My guess is that Robin goes home, mostly because she's the only girl I can't remember him telling she meant so much to him. Tierra, Daniella, and Lindsey are safe. The roses go to Selma, Catherine, Lesley, AshLee, and Sarah....leaving Des and Robin to sweat it out on the final rose. I was right again, as Des gets the call and Robin gets the boot. Yet another girl who confronted or mentioned Tierra bites the dust. Unreal. That was one of the most unemotional goodbye ever as he says "good luck" and shuts the door to the limo. Props to Robin for not bringing race into her dismissal. I am happy to say I was wrong about that one.
Back at it tomorrow!
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