Christmas is awesome. There's nothing about it that sucks, except the increase of crazy people you have to come in contact with. The malls, tree farms, live nativity scenes, churches, performances of the Nutcracker are just filled with people you don't normally see.
We went to Christmas Storybook Land in Albany this weekend, after years of hearing how great it is. It's good, but not great. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the immense cost, time, and effort that goes into making something like Storybook Land come to fruition. I also appreciate that it is free, allowing families that may be financially strapped to enjoy some Christmas cheer. Kids love it too, because kids don't care if something that was old thirty years ago is being trotted out. The place pretty much reminded me of a 1950's Christmas time capsule, with its dollhouses, model train displays and winter scenes of stories like Johnny Appleseed and other stories that kids today probably haven't heard or know of. I found it amusing that most of the scenes had placards explaining what each scene was, such as "Jack and Jill" which featured two dolls that didn't really look as if they'd "fallen down." It looked more like they'd gone the Romeo and Juliet route in some sort of suicide pact and drank arsenic on the side of a hill. The point was that this scene NEEDED a placard or very few people (myself included) would've had a hard time figuring out what exactly was being portrayed. Also interesting was that the "Spongebob Squarepants" scene had no placard, because every kid knows exactly who a giant sponge wearing underwear is. Other things irritated me, like the misspelling of some of the placards. I heard the tale of Hansel and Gretel growing up, but apparently at Christmas Storybook Land, Hansel has taken up with Gretel's twin sister "Gretal." Also, the 101 Dalmations make an appearance for the first time ever. I'm just trying to figure out how 18,000 people travel through this thing every year, and nobody has picked up on this yet. Or maybe they have, and like me don't want to point out to the people who bust their ass every year to set this thing up that they need spell checker. No, we'd rather blog about their mis-adventures. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get coal this year in my stocking for writing this.
Santa was there too, which is always fun for the kids. The line you have to wait in to see him, however, is not fun for the parents. We were behind a family in which the parents were younger than us, but there were at least four kids hovering around. It was hard to tell, because they never sat still, except for the two in the strollers. There was another lady there, and I assume one or more of the kids could've been hers, but still the kids to adult ratio was alarming given the age of the parents. The "father" had a dorky fedora on and was sporting a shaved head, with the exception of a closely cropped mohawk that for whatever reason was longer in the back. Not mullet length, but long enough that he had some sort of product in it. The mom laughed at everything he said, which I suppose was a good sign that they still enjoyed each others company. He was talking loudly about how he saw so and so at WalMart with her baby, and said "Hey, there's the little bastard!" to the shock of everyone around. He said this proudly, as if using the word "bastard" in its literal meaning in public was the equivalent of catching a mugger on the sidewalk. The parents then proceeded to play kissy face and engage in some highly inappropriate PDA. Afterwards, Rachel would remark "I wonder where people like that work, because I hope I never have to rely on them for service."
Finally, it was our turn to see Santa. Jonah walked right up and hopped up on his lap. Santa asked Jonah what he wanted, and Jonah said "A talking Woody and a Mickey Mouse game," Which is Jonah code for a pull-string Woody doll from Toy Story 3 and the Wii game Epic Mickey. Santa clearly had no clue what Jonah was talking about, but understood "Mickey Mouse" and was able to ask a few friendly follow-up questions before sending Jonah on to Mrs. Claus for a candy cane. Jonah got his candy cane, but he kept looking back at Santa with a confused look. I asked him what was wrong, and Jonah said "He didn't give me my presents!" This led to a very long conversation about how Santa doesn't have the presents on him right now, and he has to go back to the North Pole to get them before bringing them on Christmas Eve. Jonah is having a hard time understanding the difference between "Christmas time" and the actual day.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Still Getting Used to This Job Thing
So yesterday I get a call from one of the development officers here at the Foundation. She's traveling for work, and had a dilemma. She had requested a GPS unit with her car, but because she was returning the vehicle to another location, they would not allow her to rent a GPS unit. Why you can take an entire car from one location to another, but not an accessory with that car is beyond me. Especially when Enteriprise charges $12/day to rent said unit, and it would cost far less than that to ship it back to its original location.
So her dilemma was what to do. She said that the guy at Enterprise had planted the seed in her head that she should just buy one, because they aren't that much more than renting one for a 5 day trip. She was wondering if her budget would pay for this, or if she would have to make it a personal expense. After talking with some co-workers, I found out that we have reimbursed people for GPS units in the past. So I tell her that it is reimbursable and to go ahead and get one if that's what she wants.
Her response?
"Ok, I guess I'll just use my phone to find the nearest WalMart and go get one! Thanks!"
So her dilemma was what to do. She said that the guy at Enterprise had planted the seed in her head that she should just buy one, because they aren't that much more than renting one for a 5 day trip. She was wondering if her budget would pay for this, or if she would have to make it a personal expense. After talking with some co-workers, I found out that we have reimbursed people for GPS units in the past. So I tell her that it is reimbursable and to go ahead and get one if that's what she wants.
Her response?
"Ok, I guess I'll just use my phone to find the nearest WalMart and go get one! Thanks!"
Thursday, October 28, 2010
When a Solution is just a Little too Obvious
Since moving over to a new side of the building, I've been exposed to a dark secret of the OSU Foundation....bird murders. The three offices across the hall from my cubicle all have large windows looking out on some trees surrounding the building. These trees produce some kind of berry that the birds around here find irresistable. It's not uncommon to have four or five birds at a time hopping around on the ground picking up this fallen fruit. However, these birds seem to not realize that these windows cannot be flown through, as a few a week hit the windows with shocking velocity.
When I say shocking, I mean instant death. I'm not joking when I say that these birds leave impact stains of blood on the windows. It's really quite disgusting. There's two bird carcasses just laying on the ground right now.
It seems that the frequency of these bird suicides is increasing, as over the past few days I've heard that sickening "THUD" at least three times. The talk around here has been increasing about whose responsibility the bird carcasses are. It seems like we're focused on the wrong problem here. Instead of working on cleaning up the problem, shouldn't we be working on preventing the problem?
Here's a thought: Why don't we just pull the blinds on these large windows? Birds don't make it a habit of flying into walls to my knowledge. Is the view of a run of the mill tree worth the life of the birds in it? Going deeper, is any view worth the life of a living thing? Would you cut down a redwood to get a view of a mountain from your backyard? Would you "thin out" a flock of seagulls that kept crapping on your deck?
Please know that the answer to these questions for me is yes. You can always plant another tree, and I can't imagine that anyone would find the world a less joyous place if there were no seagulls. But if the sound of birds hitting your window or the sight of their death imprint or lifeless bodies is disturbing to you....maybe, just maybe, closing your blinds is a step worth taking.
When I say shocking, I mean instant death. I'm not joking when I say that these birds leave impact stains of blood on the windows. It's really quite disgusting. There's two bird carcasses just laying on the ground right now.
It seems that the frequency of these bird suicides is increasing, as over the past few days I've heard that sickening "THUD" at least three times. The talk around here has been increasing about whose responsibility the bird carcasses are. It seems like we're focused on the wrong problem here. Instead of working on cleaning up the problem, shouldn't we be working on preventing the problem?
Here's a thought: Why don't we just pull the blinds on these large windows? Birds don't make it a habit of flying into walls to my knowledge. Is the view of a run of the mill tree worth the life of the birds in it? Going deeper, is any view worth the life of a living thing? Would you cut down a redwood to get a view of a mountain from your backyard? Would you "thin out" a flock of seagulls that kept crapping on your deck?
Please know that the answer to these questions for me is yes. You can always plant another tree, and I can't imagine that anyone would find the world a less joyous place if there were no seagulls. But if the sound of birds hitting your window or the sight of their death imprint or lifeless bodies is disturbing to you....maybe, just maybe, closing your blinds is a step worth taking.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
That was one crazy game of football
Saturday marked the Bi-annual OSU-Washington game in Seattle. Every two years, my friends and I mark this occasion by basically inviting ourselves up to Steve's house to sleep on his floor and put a strain on his marriage. I have yet to meet a girl that enjoys hosting "guy time." Pasha is a trooper, and puts up with us as best she can, which can't be easy given our propensity to talk loudly and profanely, eat like a horde of locusts and just generally smell like men. I have yet to figure out why, but there is a certain odor that is given off when three or more men occupy an area for more than five hours that just isn't there when only one is around. It's quite remarkable actually. I'd equate it to women getting on the same menstrual cycles when they live together. A guy lives with two other guys long enough, they're all going to smell like a pack of wet dogs and fart in unison. It's a given.
Like any group of guy friends, we like to pretend we're as rowdy as we were in college, but it just isn't true. We can't drink like we used to, can't eat like we used to, and require more sleep than we used to. That doesn't stop us from trying, however. This resulted in sore backs, vomiting, and some bad cases of the bubble guts. Despite all that (and a Beavers loss), a good time was had by all....mostly.
There were a few minor hiccups. We were almost involved in a car wreck on the freeway Friday night when traffic suddenly slowed to a crawl up near Tacoma. This shouldn't have come to a surprise to anyone, as traffic is always at a crawl in Tacoma, but it caught the guy merging from the on ramp off guard as he spun out the car behind us. Fortunately, the impact pushed both cars around us and we came out unscathed.
At the game, a particularly drunk Husky fan started harassing Pasha, which led to a minor verbal dispute in which Dave told the guy not to mess with us and Husky fan going ballistic. He shouted down the concession stand lady with his hot dog by saying "Keep my f*cking money!" and told a security guard "no, you're going to stay right f*cking there until I'm done with this guy." Dave, to his credit, kept his cool and let the guy talk himself out. His rant also included him telling Dave to "give me a reason" and explaing that he was a "one percenter." When Dave calmly responded that he didn't know what a "one percenter" was, Dude responded with the ever classy line "you don't ever want to find out, brother!" At this time, a sheriff showed up and dude suddenly lost his desire to verbally joust with the surprisingly stoic David Crow. Later, we discovered that a "one percenter" was a reference to him being part of an outlaw motorcycle gang. It appears that the term originated from a quote by the American Motorcyclist Association back in the 1940's saying that "99% of motorcyclists were law-abiding citizens, and the last one percent were outlaws." A pretty vague reference that I'm sure this guy was upset that Dave, nor anyone else who was in attendance, understood.
We almost made it through the rest of the game without incident, thanks in large part to the anemic offenses of both the Huskies and the Beavers. The TD's started coming in bunches in overtime however, and that led to a touchdown celebration that separated Garth's shoulder. As he sat there in pain trying to wiggle it back into the socket, this girl behind us kept yelling at me to "find a paramedic!" However, Garth was adamant that he could fix this problem himself, and in a true act of selflessness, didnt't want us to miss any of the action in overtime by going to look for help. Fortunately, he was finally able to get his shoulder set, and no medical assistance was necessary.
There was also a domestic dispute at the tailgate next to us that sadly I missed, but I heard it involved the girl throwing everything out of the guy's truck, him forcibly removing her from the truck, then her yelling "how can you do this? We're pregnant!" Truly sad I missed this show.
Can't wait to do it all again in 2012!
Like any group of guy friends, we like to pretend we're as rowdy as we were in college, but it just isn't true. We can't drink like we used to, can't eat like we used to, and require more sleep than we used to. That doesn't stop us from trying, however. This resulted in sore backs, vomiting, and some bad cases of the bubble guts. Despite all that (and a Beavers loss), a good time was had by all....mostly.
There were a few minor hiccups. We were almost involved in a car wreck on the freeway Friday night when traffic suddenly slowed to a crawl up near Tacoma. This shouldn't have come to a surprise to anyone, as traffic is always at a crawl in Tacoma, but it caught the guy merging from the on ramp off guard as he spun out the car behind us. Fortunately, the impact pushed both cars around us and we came out unscathed.
At the game, a particularly drunk Husky fan started harassing Pasha, which led to a minor verbal dispute in which Dave told the guy not to mess with us and Husky fan going ballistic. He shouted down the concession stand lady with his hot dog by saying "Keep my f*cking money!" and told a security guard "no, you're going to stay right f*cking there until I'm done with this guy." Dave, to his credit, kept his cool and let the guy talk himself out. His rant also included him telling Dave to "give me a reason" and explaing that he was a "one percenter." When Dave calmly responded that he didn't know what a "one percenter" was, Dude responded with the ever classy line "you don't ever want to find out, brother!" At this time, a sheriff showed up and dude suddenly lost his desire to verbally joust with the surprisingly stoic David Crow. Later, we discovered that a "one percenter" was a reference to him being part of an outlaw motorcycle gang. It appears that the term originated from a quote by the American Motorcyclist Association back in the 1940's saying that "99% of motorcyclists were law-abiding citizens, and the last one percent were outlaws." A pretty vague reference that I'm sure this guy was upset that Dave, nor anyone else who was in attendance, understood.
We almost made it through the rest of the game without incident, thanks in large part to the anemic offenses of both the Huskies and the Beavers. The TD's started coming in bunches in overtime however, and that led to a touchdown celebration that separated Garth's shoulder. As he sat there in pain trying to wiggle it back into the socket, this girl behind us kept yelling at me to "find a paramedic!" However, Garth was adamant that he could fix this problem himself, and in a true act of selflessness, didnt't want us to miss any of the action in overtime by going to look for help. Fortunately, he was finally able to get his shoulder set, and no medical assistance was necessary.
There was also a domestic dispute at the tailgate next to us that sadly I missed, but I heard it involved the girl throwing everything out of the guy's truck, him forcibly removing her from the truck, then her yelling "how can you do this? We're pregnant!" Truly sad I missed this show.
Can't wait to do it all again in 2012!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
A whole lotta blah
I need to thank everyone who has told me they read my blog. I'd never know if you didn't tell me, so it's nice to know that at least a few people enjoy it.
That being said, I also must say that it can be overwhelming as an amateur blog writer to hear people tell you they like what you say. It causes me to put the pressure on myself to "bring it" every time. I can't even count the amount of times I've written a blog, read it, then deleted the whole thing because it wasn't up to the standards I think you expect from me. I try hard not to repeat myself, to not use the same analogies or anecdotes more than once, and to not write "I hate my job" every day, even if that's how I'm feeling.
Basically, that's my way of saying thanks for sticking with me....and now we'll return to your regularly scheduled blog....today with bullets!
That being said, I also must say that it can be overwhelming as an amateur blog writer to hear people tell you they like what you say. It causes me to put the pressure on myself to "bring it" every time. I can't even count the amount of times I've written a blog, read it, then deleted the whole thing because it wasn't up to the standards I think you expect from me. I try hard not to repeat myself, to not use the same analogies or anecdotes more than once, and to not write "I hate my job" every day, even if that's how I'm feeling.
Basically, that's my way of saying thanks for sticking with me....and now we'll return to your regularly scheduled blog....today with bullets!
- It's no secret that I love TV. Fall premiere week is right up there with the opening weekend of college football and Christmas as things I look forward to every year. I try to watch as many new shows as possible this first week, then pare down my list after giving everything a shot. Sometimes it works out well.....this strategy turned me on to some shows I probably wouldn't have given a shot based on the promos alone, like Journeyman and How I Met Your Mother. Sometimes it is a huge waste of time, such as any show that stars Christian Slater (the forgotten, My Own Worst Enemy) or Jerry O'Connell (that awful show about carpooling.) Last night gave me one of each - Hawaii Five-0 was awesome, The Event was awful. The whole premise of The Event seems to be to show you as little as possible about the plot, blow your mind with some crazy plot twist with thirty seconds left in the episode, leave you with a little nugget of info and some music to let you know how important what just happened was, then show you scenes from the next week. The other 55 minutes are filled with so many flashbacks and story arcs that you need to rewind constantly to review. Anyways, the best thing I can say about the Event is that it Event-ually ended. (Insert "Hey Oh!" sound bite here)
- Jonah started little kickers soccer last weekend. The plan was to use soccer as the carrot at the end of the stick in potty training, but Jonah still shows absolutely no interest in using the facilities. He seriously seems to feel that he's wasting his time using a toilet when his diaper works just fine. We've tried just about every reward we can think of to kick start his use of the toilet, but nothing seems to be working. So we dropped the soccer restriction, realizing that holding him out was basically punishing him for not agreeing to forced potty training. He was super excited, and apparently we were too. We showed up twenty minutes early. I think the coach (a girl named Michele that was born in the 1990's...yikes!) was a little curious as to who the people were who showed up so early the lights had barely been turned on, but everything was cool after that. Jonah was so amped up he was running around like he was avoiding gunfire - top speed, but never in a straight line. At one point, while we introduced ourselves to the coach, Jonah started doing "snow angels" on the field. Rachel made a comment about Jonah becoming the kid who chased butterflies in right field, but I said he was just practicing his goal celebration. Jonah, upon hearing the term "goal celebration," got up and kicked a ball into the goal. He then ran around like he'd just won the world cup, arms outstretched, yelling "Gooooooaaaaaaalllll," before chest bumping the wall and falling backwards as if he'd been knocked unconscious. This was the definitive "why didn't we have the camera rolling" moment of Jonah's life.
Finally the other kids showed up. I've talked before about how you hardly ever see both parents with the kids at the park in Albany or at the McDonald's play place. It was the same at the Corvallis Sports Park, with Rachel and I being the only set of parents who were both on the field with our kid. I, being the judgemental douche that I am, immediately assumed that these were kids of broken homes or had a parent that just didn't care enough. Then I heard someone say that their other kid had a volleyball tournament across town. Why didn't anyone tell me that families may have more than one kid with multiple obligations on the same day? I immediately realized that I was going to hell. - This was a class of four, but we already got a taste of what kind of names we can expect Jonah's friends to have when he starts school. I can understand avoiding uber-popular names like John, Sarah, Jennifer, etc. but that doesn't mean you need to start converting last names into first names, or just straight creating names. The other kids were named Calvin, Rayner, and Lennon. According to www.babynamewizard.com/voyager (one of my favorite websites) those names ranked 231, 818, and 951 respectively in terms of popularity in 2009. Rayner actually wasn't on the list, so I used the closest name, Raynard. Raynard was 818.....in the 1960's. Ooof.
- Why is it that people baby-talk animals? Do animals respond to that better? I realize that dogs can hear sounds that are inaudible to humans, but that doesn't mean you should try to alter your voice to that pitch. I was at work today and a lady brought in her dog. People literally stopped their normal person conversations to say "Well hewwwo widdle dawgie! Who's a good dog? That's wight, you are! Yes you are! Yes you are!" in that special voice reserved only for dogs and babies. Maybe they're the same thing. In fairness, this dog was a baby. It will be celebrating its six month birthday on Thursday. And yes I know this because this information was offered up for no apparent reason. Again, I don't understand people who go gaga for animals. It's ok to love animals, just don't "wuv" animals. That's when it gets creepy.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Animal people....SOOOOOO creepy.
I'm all for pets. I love pets. But they're pets! They do not think like humans do. You can't have conversations with them. You can, but they don't really understand. They understand treats and belly rubs. They don't understand that you had a bad day because your boss made you work through your lunch and as a result you didn't get to watch Judge Judy today. All that "Man's best friend" stuff is crap. You put food in front of me that I don't have to work for, give me a warm, comfy place to sleep and play catch with me every day and I'll probably be your friend too.
I used to think that this sort of behavior was limited to household animals. My eyes have been opened now, and I see that this sort of behavior extends to all sorts of animals thanks to webcams. We have a lady in our office who will not start working until she's watched video of a panda at some zoo. There's a "Raptor Cam" that shows some eagle's nest that people go absolutely apeshit for. And now there's OctoCam - a live streaming video of the octopus at the Hatfield Marine Science Center in Newport.
Correction, there WAS OctoCam.
Apparently the octopus died a few months ago. According to the website, he had thousands of internet followers across the world. Thousands! Thousands of people would get online to watch an octopus in a tank the size of a large hot tub float around and eat an occasional crab. According to the website, that occasional crab is what did him in:
While reading about this, I discovered that Derek....I mean Deriq... has a facebook page. Yes, an octopus has a page....with 321 people who "like" him. I'm now fascinated with this page. There's something funny about seeing "Deriq, the Internet Octopus commented on Stacey Johnson's photo." Among the highlights from his facebook page:
Adriamarie Bruns- Arboleda I'm Heart broken, I actually watched him pass away. I knew something was wrong. I will miss him as I watched him everyday while drinking coffee. I am so sad now.
I used to think that this sort of behavior was limited to household animals. My eyes have been opened now, and I see that this sort of behavior extends to all sorts of animals thanks to webcams. We have a lady in our office who will not start working until she's watched video of a panda at some zoo. There's a "Raptor Cam" that shows some eagle's nest that people go absolutely apeshit for. And now there's OctoCam - a live streaming video of the octopus at the Hatfield Marine Science Center in Newport.
Correction, there WAS OctoCam.
Apparently the octopus died a few months ago. According to the website, he had thousands of internet followers across the world. Thousands! Thousands of people would get online to watch an octopus in a tank the size of a large hot tub float around and eat an occasional crab. According to the website, that occasional crab is what did him in:
- It appears that Deriq succumbed to a massive coccidian ( a type of protozoan) infection that resulted in severe damage to his liver, intestines and heart. This particular parasite generally has a crustacean as an intermediate host. Consequently, Deriq probably became infected through his food source (crabs). This infection is common among many species of wild and cultured octopus.
While reading about this, I discovered that Derek....I mean Deriq... has a facebook page. Yes, an octopus has a page....with 321 people who "like" him. I'm now fascinated with this page. There's something funny about seeing "Deriq, the Internet Octopus commented on Stacey Johnson's photo." Among the highlights from his facebook page:
- His interests include sleeping, changing colors, and swimming. So basically "doing things essential to survival." Again, animals are not people. They don't have interests. They like to survive.
- Sometimes Deriq likes to speak about himself in the third person, such as "Deriq is feeling frisky this morning!" other times he speaks in the first person. No word yet on how this octopus accesses his laptop from the tank.
- Some comments on his page include:
Sheila Hagar Deriq!!! So happy to hear from you. I am going to send you a picture of Gilligan, my desk beta fish...he is a huge fan of yours.
(She totally did send him a picture of her fish. Deriq commented, saying he was *waving* at the fish. My guess is he wanted to eat Gilligan, but whatever) Alexa Joy I love it when he puts his suction cups on the camera! XD
Susan Steffen Lagerquist Deriq, we will miss you!! Thank you, Deriq for opening our world to your world. You were on my computer daily. Have fun chasing the heavenly crabs.
Adriamarie Bruns- Arboleda I'm Heart broken, I actually watched him pass away. I knew something was wrong. I will miss him as I watched him everyday while drinking coffee. I am so sad now. Dorothy Worlein I'm so sad to hear about Deriq. I loved watching him on the octocam every day from my place of work. I will miss him.
Nothing like publicly saying you're a slacker, and yes I see the irony in the fact that I'm writing this blog from my desk at work. I guess I could issue the disclaimer that everyone I support is on the road right now, so there's not much work for me to do, but really if you're reading this it's because you're my friend and don't judge me like that, right? Right?
Oregon State.....Them's the Ducks, right?
Another story from the trip to Wisconsin I forgot to mention:
I happened to be wearing an OSU polo on Sunday while traveling home from the Midwest. At the Madison Airport I was stopped while going through security by a TSA employee.
"OS...what school is that? Oklahoma State?"
I said "no, Oregon State....same colors, so I'll give you partial credit."
"Oh, why'd I think you all wore green?"
"That's University of Oregon," I said without even a hint of a smile on my face. I think he got the point that he'd just offended me, because he just handed me back my ID and didn't say another word.
---------------------------------------
While waiting at the gate in Minneapolis for our flight to Portland, a guy gets up from his seat a few rows over and walks right up to me.
"You on your way home from the game?"
I have no clue what the hell he's talking about. At first I think he's talking to my wife, who is sporting her Wisconsin gear, but that makes no sense either as the Badgers played at home.
"Ummm.....what?" I said, mainly because I was completely flabbergasted by this guy.
"From Tennessee? Did you go?"
At this point I realize the guy thinks I'm a Ducks fan on my way home from Knoxville. I just kind smiled and shook my head, and he says "oh, just wearing your colors eh? Well good win yesterday!" and heads back to his seat. Rachel just starts laughing and says "you guys need to market better, honey."
I realize that in pretty much every state in Big-10 country they only have one major state university (Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio State, Minnesota, Nebraska, and Penn State really have no major in-state rivals in football), but do Florida and Florida State have this problem? Do people not know the difference between Washington and Washington State? What made this all the more frustrating is that there were at least three Oregon fans wearing green and yellow on our flight who were in fact on their way home from Knoxville. I don't know if any of them saw this drama unfold, but I'm sure they were high-fiving themselves on the inside.
I'm not going to sit here and say that I know everything about sports. There's a few schools out there whose logo I don't know off the top of my head, or if you said "what are the school colors of San Diego State, it might take me a second to remember." But I'm not going to walk up to some guy and start talking about his football team unless I'm damn sure I know what the hell I'm talking about.
In the words of DMX: "It's better to be thought dumb and remain silent than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
I happened to be wearing an OSU polo on Sunday while traveling home from the Midwest. At the Madison Airport I was stopped while going through security by a TSA employee.
"OS...what school is that? Oklahoma State?"
I said "no, Oregon State....same colors, so I'll give you partial credit."
"Oh, why'd I think you all wore green?"
"That's University of Oregon," I said without even a hint of a smile on my face. I think he got the point that he'd just offended me, because he just handed me back my ID and didn't say another word.
---------------------------------------
While waiting at the gate in Minneapolis for our flight to Portland, a guy gets up from his seat a few rows over and walks right up to me.
"You on your way home from the game?"
I have no clue what the hell he's talking about. At first I think he's talking to my wife, who is sporting her Wisconsin gear, but that makes no sense either as the Badgers played at home.
"Ummm.....what?" I said, mainly because I was completely flabbergasted by this guy.
"From Tennessee? Did you go?"
At this point I realize the guy thinks I'm a Ducks fan on my way home from Knoxville. I just kind smiled and shook my head, and he says "oh, just wearing your colors eh? Well good win yesterday!" and heads back to his seat. Rachel just starts laughing and says "you guys need to market better, honey."
I realize that in pretty much every state in Big-10 country they only have one major state university (Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio State, Minnesota, Nebraska, and Penn State really have no major in-state rivals in football), but do Florida and Florida State have this problem? Do people not know the difference between Washington and Washington State? What made this all the more frustrating is that there were at least three Oregon fans wearing green and yellow on our flight who were in fact on their way home from Knoxville. I don't know if any of them saw this drama unfold, but I'm sure they were high-fiving themselves on the inside.
I'm not going to sit here and say that I know everything about sports. There's a few schools out there whose logo I don't know off the top of my head, or if you said "what are the school colors of San Diego State, it might take me a second to remember." But I'm not going to walk up to some guy and start talking about his football team unless I'm damn sure I know what the hell I'm talking about.
In the words of DMX: "It's better to be thought dumb and remain silent than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Back on the Grind
As always, I came back from Wisconsin feeling fat and happy. Rachel's sister Colleen got married over Labor Day weekend up in Appleton, which is a pretty cool city. It's a little bigger than Albany, but without the meth problem (at least from what I saw.) I mean, it had a performing arts center, where actual performers come to perform! None of that community theater stuff with a bunch of amateurs. Not that I have anything against community theater - it's just that I'd rather watch someone who sings/dances/acts for a living than someone who sells refurbished furniture live out his dream of playing Hamlet on Broadway.
Back to the wedding. Jonah was the ringbearer, but right before it was time to walk down the aisle, Jonah got cold feet and didn't want to go by himself. So I got to be the ringbearer-bearer, which was alright, until we got to our seats and Jonah decided he wanted to check out the pond that was just behind the altar. I followed him up there (outdoor weddings provide a myriad of problems for people with small children, fyi) at which point he tries to make a break for it. I was able to corral him and distract him from his unhappiness with my iPod, so score one for technology. Unfortunately, the ceremony was starting, so there was no going back the way we came. So we made this huge loop around the wedding and rewalked up the side aisle as quietly as possible, although Jonah kept asking why there was no sound on the iPod. We finally get to our seats, and to his credit, Jonah stayed quiet, only whispering when he wanted something. Unfortunately, I missed almost the entire ceremony because my focus was radar locked on Jonah, making sure he didn't make a break for it or get upset at anything.
Halfway through the wedding, Jonah hands me the iPod and says "Daddy, I want to stand by Mommy." Rachel was a bridesmaid (or is it bridesmatron because she's married? I'm not real hip on the proper wedding lingo), and the original plan was for Jonah to stay up there next to Rachel and the Jr. Bride (which apparently is like a flower girl, only without flowers). I said alright, and he quietly took his place with the rest of the wedding party.
When the wedding ended, Jonah and Carley, the Jr. Bride, headed down the aisle, but not before Jonah got a fist bump from his papa. Then they danced down the rest of the aisle, with Carley twirling Jonah and Jonah giggling the entire time. It was completely unscripted and pretty cute.
After the wedding, the wedding party all hopped on a party bust to go drinking prior to the reception. I mentioned to Rachel that I'd never heard of this happening before. She said "it's a Wisconsin thing, honey." Ok then. Things got off to a rocky start when the driver of the party bus clipped a parked car while picking us up. He came to a stop, opened the door and said "alright, are we ready to go?" Greg, the groom, said "ummm, you realize that you just hit that car right?" Of course he hadn't, and we sat their for an hour while the cops showed up to sort out the situation. I'm not sure if cops are required to show up at fender benders in Wisconsin, or it was because this was a bus, or it was just a slow crime day (of which I can imagine there's quite a few in Wisconsin), but it provided for a couple good pictures of the bride frisking the groom while he had his hands on the hood of a police cruiser.
The reception was a lot of fun. I had a great time, but not quite as great as Rachel and Jonah. Rachel doesn't drink often, but she's the good kind of drinker, the kind that just gets extremely happy and wants to dance....and dance she did. At one point Rachel's mom requested "Unchained Melody" because she wanted to slow dance. Rachel starts yelling about how her mom's "putting everyone to sleep with this lullaby!" and requests the DJ play "Pour Some Sugar on Me" when the song is over. When Rachel's mom pointed out that people were leaving the dance floor when Def Leppard came on, my wife turned into a rap hype man, running through the reception hall from table to table urging people to "get on up and dance!" I overheard a few people say "who is that girl?" which made me laugh. At one point I turned to a guy standing there and said "you see that one out there dancing by herself? That one's mine, buddy!"
I also found out that I'm the third best dancer in my own family, as Jonah danced his little butt off. He was twirling glow sticks and chasing the laser lights on the dance floor until after midnight. He did take a brief break before coming back down from the hotel room to rock the party in his Buzz Lightyear jammies.
After that, the week was pretty low key, with a lot of laying around the house and playing in the yard. I did get to experience the Richland County Fair, which is like any other county fair, except with lawn mower races. Jonah and I watched the 10-11 year old race. Picture kids on lawnmowers painted like race cars whipping around a dirt track at about 30-40 MPH and you might have an idea of how awesome this is. What made it more awesome was how into it the crowd was. I also loved the PA guy who kept saying things like "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Lawnmower Racing at its finest, right here in Richland County!" which is now my favorite thing to say in my bad Wisconsin accent.
The only other major highlight of the week was a trip to Madison to see the Badgers play San Jose State. However, when we got there, the tickets we had bought on StubHub wouldn't scan. The pimply faced kid at gate six kept telling us that the tickets said "transferred." I asked what that meant, and he said he didn't know. So we were referred to a supervisor, who didn't know either. Then were sent to customer service, which informed us that the season ticket holder who purchased the tickets had requested that the tickets be transferred to himself, thereby initiating a set of electronic tickets which automatically voided out the paper tickets that we now had in our possession. Essentially the guy had requested duplicate tickets, then sold both sets online. Anyways, the ticket office told us they were sorry, but we weren't getting in with those tickets. So I called StubHub, which took the better part of half an hour. I can't say anything bad about StubHub though, as it really wasn't their fault, and they tried to find us a way into the game. When they didn't have any luck, they offered me a full refund and told me that if was able to purchase tickets outside the stadium to call them back the next day and they'd work on compensating me for those as well. Right about this point, the guy in the Wisconsin ticket office came out and said that he felt really bad for us, and to go to Gate 8 and they had some tickets we could use. Very classy move, and I was very impressed with the level of service I got from both StubHub and the University of Wisconsin. Goes to show that customer service isn't dead quite yet, only in the cable/satellite television industry. The tickets we ended up getting were in the players family section, which was about the tenth row behind the Badger sideline. So we ended up seeing the game for free with better seats than we ever could've dreamed of having. Sure we missed the first quarter, but I call that a win in my book.
Back to the wedding. Jonah was the ringbearer, but right before it was time to walk down the aisle, Jonah got cold feet and didn't want to go by himself. So I got to be the ringbearer-bearer, which was alright, until we got to our seats and Jonah decided he wanted to check out the pond that was just behind the altar. I followed him up there (outdoor weddings provide a myriad of problems for people with small children, fyi) at which point he tries to make a break for it. I was able to corral him and distract him from his unhappiness with my iPod, so score one for technology. Unfortunately, the ceremony was starting, so there was no going back the way we came. So we made this huge loop around the wedding and rewalked up the side aisle as quietly as possible, although Jonah kept asking why there was no sound on the iPod. We finally get to our seats, and to his credit, Jonah stayed quiet, only whispering when he wanted something. Unfortunately, I missed almost the entire ceremony because my focus was radar locked on Jonah, making sure he didn't make a break for it or get upset at anything.
Halfway through the wedding, Jonah hands me the iPod and says "Daddy, I want to stand by Mommy." Rachel was a bridesmaid (or is it bridesmatron because she's married? I'm not real hip on the proper wedding lingo), and the original plan was for Jonah to stay up there next to Rachel and the Jr. Bride (which apparently is like a flower girl, only without flowers). I said alright, and he quietly took his place with the rest of the wedding party.
When the wedding ended, Jonah and Carley, the Jr. Bride, headed down the aisle, but not before Jonah got a fist bump from his papa. Then they danced down the rest of the aisle, with Carley twirling Jonah and Jonah giggling the entire time. It was completely unscripted and pretty cute.
After the wedding, the wedding party all hopped on a party bust to go drinking prior to the reception. I mentioned to Rachel that I'd never heard of this happening before. She said "it's a Wisconsin thing, honey." Ok then. Things got off to a rocky start when the driver of the party bus clipped a parked car while picking us up. He came to a stop, opened the door and said "alright, are we ready to go?" Greg, the groom, said "ummm, you realize that you just hit that car right?" Of course he hadn't, and we sat their for an hour while the cops showed up to sort out the situation. I'm not sure if cops are required to show up at fender benders in Wisconsin, or it was because this was a bus, or it was just a slow crime day (of which I can imagine there's quite a few in Wisconsin), but it provided for a couple good pictures of the bride frisking the groom while he had his hands on the hood of a police cruiser.
The reception was a lot of fun. I had a great time, but not quite as great as Rachel and Jonah. Rachel doesn't drink often, but she's the good kind of drinker, the kind that just gets extremely happy and wants to dance....and dance she did. At one point Rachel's mom requested "Unchained Melody" because she wanted to slow dance. Rachel starts yelling about how her mom's "putting everyone to sleep with this lullaby!" and requests the DJ play "Pour Some Sugar on Me" when the song is over. When Rachel's mom pointed out that people were leaving the dance floor when Def Leppard came on, my wife turned into a rap hype man, running through the reception hall from table to table urging people to "get on up and dance!" I overheard a few people say "who is that girl?" which made me laugh. At one point I turned to a guy standing there and said "you see that one out there dancing by herself? That one's mine, buddy!"
I also found out that I'm the third best dancer in my own family, as Jonah danced his little butt off. He was twirling glow sticks and chasing the laser lights on the dance floor until after midnight. He did take a brief break before coming back down from the hotel room to rock the party in his Buzz Lightyear jammies.
After that, the week was pretty low key, with a lot of laying around the house and playing in the yard. I did get to experience the Richland County Fair, which is like any other county fair, except with lawn mower races. Jonah and I watched the 10-11 year old race. Picture kids on lawnmowers painted like race cars whipping around a dirt track at about 30-40 MPH and you might have an idea of how awesome this is. What made it more awesome was how into it the crowd was. I also loved the PA guy who kept saying things like "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Lawnmower Racing at its finest, right here in Richland County!" which is now my favorite thing to say in my bad Wisconsin accent.
The only other major highlight of the week was a trip to Madison to see the Badgers play San Jose State. However, when we got there, the tickets we had bought on StubHub wouldn't scan. The pimply faced kid at gate six kept telling us that the tickets said "transferred." I asked what that meant, and he said he didn't know. So we were referred to a supervisor, who didn't know either. Then were sent to customer service, which informed us that the season ticket holder who purchased the tickets had requested that the tickets be transferred to himself, thereby initiating a set of electronic tickets which automatically voided out the paper tickets that we now had in our possession. Essentially the guy had requested duplicate tickets, then sold both sets online. Anyways, the ticket office told us they were sorry, but we weren't getting in with those tickets. So I called StubHub, which took the better part of half an hour. I can't say anything bad about StubHub though, as it really wasn't their fault, and they tried to find us a way into the game. When they didn't have any luck, they offered me a full refund and told me that if was able to purchase tickets outside the stadium to call them back the next day and they'd work on compensating me for those as well. Right about this point, the guy in the Wisconsin ticket office came out and said that he felt really bad for us, and to go to Gate 8 and they had some tickets we could use. Very classy move, and I was very impressed with the level of service I got from both StubHub and the University of Wisconsin. Goes to show that customer service isn't dead quite yet, only in the cable/satellite television industry. The tickets we ended up getting were in the players family section, which was about the tenth row behind the Badger sideline. So we ended up seeing the game for free with better seats than we ever could've dreamed of having. Sure we missed the first quarter, but I call that a win in my book.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Insanity = Improvement
It seems like every day someone asks me how my exercising is going. So, it seems only fair to update everyone on my progress. So without further ado, here's a super dorky spreadsheet, complete with formulas!
As you can see, I improved in nearly every exercise, which is good. We have kind of tapered off from 6 times a week to 3 or 4 with Rachel working late a few times a week and unplanned weekend trips and what not, but all in all I'm pretty pleased with the results. A few other observations:
- It never gets easier. You just do more in the allotted time, so you're just as gassed. I was doing carpet angels and dry heaves tonight just like I was that first night.
- Rachel is light years ahead of me. I showed bigger percentage gains in some exercises, but she's doubling me in terms of reps most of the time. My wife is awesome.
- Two year olds make great trainers. I think I heard "Why you stop, Daddy?" and "You're supposed to keep going!" multiple times tonight.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Good Idea, Bad Execution
Thought we had turned a corner in our passive potty training yesterday. Jonah announced to us that he had to pee, and that he wanted to do it in the potty. So I converted his Elmo potty chair into a stool, helped him get his diaper off and stood him up in front of the toilet. "I want Cheerios," he says. Great! We throw some cereal in the water so he's got something to aim at.
Nothing happens.
A minute goes by. Jonah's standing tall, holding his shirt out of harms way, as happy as can be. "You still gotta go?" I ask. He nods, as if it were a dumb question. Thinking maybe he's got a bit of the stage fright that his father has, I say "well ok buddy, I'm going to go ahead and unpack, let me know if you need anything."
A few more minutes go by with nothing but silence coming from the bathroom. At this point, Rachel and I are a little curious, but impressed with his patience. I peek in there and he's as still as a statue, staring intently at the water in the bowl.
A few moments later, Jonah yells "I did it!" We go running in to congratulate him, only to find him standing there smiling, with a baseball sized turd on the floor behind him.
"Clean it up!" he says happily.
Well, ok then.
Nothing happens.
A minute goes by. Jonah's standing tall, holding his shirt out of harms way, as happy as can be. "You still gotta go?" I ask. He nods, as if it were a dumb question. Thinking maybe he's got a bit of the stage fright that his father has, I say "well ok buddy, I'm going to go ahead and unpack, let me know if you need anything."
A few more minutes go by with nothing but silence coming from the bathroom. At this point, Rachel and I are a little curious, but impressed with his patience. I peek in there and he's as still as a statue, staring intently at the water in the bowl.
A few moments later, Jonah yells "I did it!" We go running in to congratulate him, only to find him standing there smiling, with a baseball sized turd on the floor behind him.
"Clean it up!" he says happily.
Well, ok then.
Friday, August 20, 2010
....but the world still goes around and round
- Just saw the headline "Economy worries push stocks lower." Really? The economy is bad? Who knew! I just picture the people at the stock exchange going to work every morning and reading a report that says "home sales drop by 2%," spitting their coffee all over themselves and yelling "SELL! SELL!" to anyone within earshot. The next day, they read a report that says "jobless claims drop by 2,500 over same period last year," spitting their coffee all over themselves and yelling "BUY! BUY!" to anyone within earshot. The whole system seems hellbent on overreaction. I know there's people far smarter than me that understand this better, but it just seems like if everyone put a steady stream of money into the stock market, everyone would benefit. The companies would have additional streams of cash to operate with, thereby growing the economy, thereby raising the value of our investments. Instead, everyone's trying to "get over" on everyone else, and we all end up taking it in the shorts. What a bizarre system.
- Being a good husband is hard. Rachel and I have an agreement about our netflix account. Anytime she wants a movie, it automatically goes right to the top of the queue. (sidenote, is there a cooler word than queue? I don't think so). The other night we got the film adaptation of Nicholas Sparks' novel "The Last Song," starring Miley Cyrus, Greg Kinnear and some anonymous good looking dude. I figure watching a chick flick every now and then can't hurt me, and could only score me some bonus points. Wrong. So, so wrong. I can't watch these movies without making some sort of noise during the sappy love parts. A chortled laugh here, a "Really?" there, and I've sent all the goodwill I may have earned by watching the movie up in smoke. I really believe that it's a miracle that any relationship works, to say nothing of my own.
- Insanity is frustrating as hell. Right now my body's just not strong enough to get any benefit out of it. I'm starting to get a little more stamina, not having to take as many breaks, but the workout is so damn hard that my body just physically can't do all the switch kicks and push-up jacks that the workout requires, despite having the cardiovascular ability to go on. As a result, I feel like it's going to be quite a while before I start to see big results. I definitely feel better and have more energy, but the weight loss/body sculpting portion just isn't there yet, not that I'm ever going to be an underwear model (dear god, that even grosses me out).
- The other day, I was having trouble getting Jonah to leave daycare because he was playing Mariokart on the Wii with the other kids. I had just resorted to threatening a time-out when our daycare provider offered to let Jonah borrow the game for a few days. I'm trying to tell her that's not necessary, but Jonah is immediately going "See Dad, Malea said so!" Where in God's name to two year olds learn to argue so effectively? How do I argue with "you said I could play Wii at home, and Malea says it's alright to borrow the game, so why can't we just do it?" I was just about to employ the classic parenting line of "Because I said so!" but I couldn't bring myself to do it because I always hated that response. I always thought it was a cop out by your parents because they didn't want to do something that you did. I was right, but at least now I understand why. Parenting makes a lot more sense when you're the parent, I'll tell you that much.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
The Night my Life Became a Sitcom
Last night was pretty quiet around Hickory Hills. Jonah, who decided against an afternoon nap, passed out around six thirty and slept straight through the night until seven this morning. That allowed Rachel and I to get our Insanity on. Well, Rachel got her Insanity on. I was doubled over by the couch, trying not to dry heave. In high school, I once ran a six minute mile fifteen minutes after finishing a supersized double quarter pounder meal at McDonalds. Yesterday, the chicken mango sausages I had for lunch were still affecting my performance six hours later. Salads and PB&J for lunch for me for the forseeable future. I gave myself an F for last night's workout. Have to pick it up tonight, especially because tonight's workout is titled "Pure Cardio" and it just about put me in a coma on Saturday.
Anyways, I also ended up watching two episodes of Melissa and Joey on ABC Family, starring Melissa Joan Hart and Joey Lawrence. Watching it is almost like going back in time about 17 years. The show comedy style is exactly like a TGIF show from the early 90's.......a non-traditional family struggles with everyday life issues by zinging each other with lame one-liners and catch phrases. The only difference is that the jokes are much racier in nature. There were jokes about 15 year old drinking, penis size (Joey says something about needing to get his "inches" back during a TV discussion), and a whole lot of "Melissa needs to get laid" references. Really, I had to watch just because of MJH. She was one of the original members of my "five celebrities I get a free pass to hook up with" list, joining Alyssa Milano, Lila McCann, Elisa Donovan, and a pre "trashy as I wanna be" Christina Aguilera around 1999. To be honest, it was kind of nice to watch a show that didn't require you to watch the previous episode to know what was going on, and really didn't require you to pay attention. TV watching has become increasingly cerebral, where even comedies such as How I Met Your Mother refer to a five minute segment from three seasons ago during episodes, which can confuse even people who have all the seasons on DVD.
Around 8:30 Rachel called it a night, leaving me with about three hours of time to kill before I was tired. This is about the time that my night turned into an episode of crummy comedy show. About 9pm, I'm watching and episode of Lost when I hear bagpipe music. At first I thought it was part of the show...some obscure reference to something that only super-geeks would pick up on. I paused the show, but the bag piping continued. Trying to figure out where it was coming from, I went to the front window and looked up and down the street to see if I could find the kilted madman who was wailing away. Then, and suddenly as it began, the eerie wail of the pipes is gone. As my eyes scan back down the street, a light comes on at the neighbors house, and I can see a silhouette of a woman fresh out of the shower toweling off through the white window shade of her window. Here I am peeking through the blinds of my house like some sort of pervert. The only thing missing at this point was Rachel walking silently up behind me and asking me what the hell I was doing, as I get all flustered, grabbing the blinds and pulling them off the window as I crumple to the ground to the sound of canned laughter while saying "it's not what you think! There was a bagpiper!" If that's not a scene from an episode of a prime time sitcom from the '90's, I don't know what is.
Also, I need to give myself a big pat on the back for finally back loading every blog post I've ever written into this blog. You can now read about the past six and half years or so of my life. Some of it's good, most of it is crap, but enjoy. And please don't hold something I may have said five years ago against me. There's a statute of limitations on blog banter. My only regret is that I didn't start this blogging thing when I first got to college. The writing would've been much worse, but the stories would've been much better. My real hope is that someday Jonah (and any future children of mine) will someday be interested in what my life was like before they were born and want to read this. Or maybe my grandkids, if the Internet is still around at that point.
Anyways, I also ended up watching two episodes of Melissa and Joey on ABC Family, starring Melissa Joan Hart and Joey Lawrence. Watching it is almost like going back in time about 17 years. The show comedy style is exactly like a TGIF show from the early 90's.......a non-traditional family struggles with everyday life issues by zinging each other with lame one-liners and catch phrases. The only difference is that the jokes are much racier in nature. There were jokes about 15 year old drinking, penis size (Joey says something about needing to get his "inches" back during a TV discussion), and a whole lot of "Melissa needs to get laid" references. Really, I had to watch just because of MJH. She was one of the original members of my "five celebrities I get a free pass to hook up with" list, joining Alyssa Milano, Lila McCann, Elisa Donovan, and a pre "trashy as I wanna be" Christina Aguilera around 1999. To be honest, it was kind of nice to watch a show that didn't require you to watch the previous episode to know what was going on, and really didn't require you to pay attention. TV watching has become increasingly cerebral, where even comedies such as How I Met Your Mother refer to a five minute segment from three seasons ago during episodes, which can confuse even people who have all the seasons on DVD.
Around 8:30 Rachel called it a night, leaving me with about three hours of time to kill before I was tired. This is about the time that my night turned into an episode of crummy comedy show. About 9pm, I'm watching and episode of Lost when I hear bagpipe music. At first I thought it was part of the show...some obscure reference to something that only super-geeks would pick up on. I paused the show, but the bag piping continued. Trying to figure out where it was coming from, I went to the front window and looked up and down the street to see if I could find the kilted madman who was wailing away. Then, and suddenly as it began, the eerie wail of the pipes is gone. As my eyes scan back down the street, a light comes on at the neighbors house, and I can see a silhouette of a woman fresh out of the shower toweling off through the white window shade of her window. Here I am peeking through the blinds of my house like some sort of pervert. The only thing missing at this point was Rachel walking silently up behind me and asking me what the hell I was doing, as I get all flustered, grabbing the blinds and pulling them off the window as I crumple to the ground to the sound of canned laughter while saying "it's not what you think! There was a bagpiper!" If that's not a scene from an episode of a prime time sitcom from the '90's, I don't know what is.
Also, I need to give myself a big pat on the back for finally back loading every blog post I've ever written into this blog. You can now read about the past six and half years or so of my life. Some of it's good, most of it is crap, but enjoy. And please don't hold something I may have said five years ago against me. There's a statute of limitations on blog banter. My only regret is that I didn't start this blogging thing when I first got to college. The writing would've been much worse, but the stories would've been much better. My real hope is that someday Jonah (and any future children of mine) will someday be interested in what my life was like before they were born and want to read this. Or maybe my grandkids, if the Internet is still around at that point.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Sure is a Monday
I did the math this morning, and I figured out that over four years of my life have been Mondays. No matter how many Mondays I have, I'm never prepared. I invariably wake up late, forget something, or Monday pulls a Monday and ambushes me with something rough. Today was no exception.
I woke up on time alright, but Jonah did not. He had a rough time sleeping last night (he woke up numerous times and in a whiny voice announced that he was tired and went right back to sleep) and was extremely resistant to waking up. He even went so far as to get out of bed, turn the light off, then march back to bed and get under his blanket. I finally got him dressed, at which point he told me he didn't want to wear shoes. I said that was fine and he could take them to daycare with him. He then proceeded to get upset that I had put his milk in the wrong sippy cup (apparently I didn't get the official memo letting me know that he would be using his "Cars" sippy today and not his dinosaur one). Once I got that situation corrected, it was off to the car and to daycare.
About halfway there, I realize that I left Jonah's shoes sitting by the front door. So he's Shoeless Jonah today. Fortunately he's two, and shoes aren't an essential clothing item at this stage of his life. Around the same time I realized this, Jonah starts crying. I ask him what's wrong.
"I want Panda!" he says through the sobs.
I realize that we're about to drive by Panda Express.
"Really? You want Panda Express for breakfast?"
"Yes Daddy! I want Panda!"
"Jonah buddy, Panda's closed."
"No it's not, Daddy!"
"Jonah, yes it is. They don't serve breakfast."
"Yes they do, Daddy!"
This continued all the way to daycare, where he refused to get out of his carseat. Tomorrow I think we'll be stopping at Panda on the way so he can see that, in fact, they do not serve breakfast.
I was also irritated when I logged onto CNN and found that "Studies show that homesickness has nothing to do with your home or where you live, but more to do with feeling loved and safe." So, you know, missing home. Also found in the study were that while 8 and 18 year olds might have the same physiological reactions to homesickness, 18 year olds can cope with it better. So infuriating. Here's the link
In other news, I'm still on the Insanity program. Rachel and I took our day off on Friday rather than Sunday, which meant working out yesterday. My legs are starting to get used to the workout, and I don't walk like a ninety year old anymore. I have more of that feeling where I can start to feel the burn by the time I get to the top of the stairs soreness than the 'someone is stabbing me in the quadricep with every step' pain. In any event, the workout yesterday was the same one I wrote the blog about last week, and was much easier. By easier, I mean I could almost do 3/4ths of the exercises, rather than half. In discouraging news, the Wii informed me this morning that I've gained four pounds since starting Insanity. Not sure how that's even possible. I keep telling myself that it's all the extra water I've been drinking to stay hydrated, or that I've just started adding muscle mass, but who knows.
We ended up at the beach this weekend in an attempt to beat the heat. Worked wonderfully, as it was only about 58 degrees in Lincoln City. During a walk on the beach Sunday, Rachel and I tried to teach Jonah his full name and city, in case he ever found himself separated from us. We succeeded in the fact that if he's ever lost in a store or an event setting and they announce they found a kid on the P.A. system, we'll know it's our kid.
Unfortunately, Jonah thinks his name is Jonah Buzz Lightyear Gazelle, from Sideswipe, Oregon.
Maybe you could claim him for us.
I woke up on time alright, but Jonah did not. He had a rough time sleeping last night (he woke up numerous times and in a whiny voice announced that he was tired and went right back to sleep) and was extremely resistant to waking up. He even went so far as to get out of bed, turn the light off, then march back to bed and get under his blanket. I finally got him dressed, at which point he told me he didn't want to wear shoes. I said that was fine and he could take them to daycare with him. He then proceeded to get upset that I had put his milk in the wrong sippy cup (apparently I didn't get the official memo letting me know that he would be using his "Cars" sippy today and not his dinosaur one). Once I got that situation corrected, it was off to the car and to daycare.
About halfway there, I realize that I left Jonah's shoes sitting by the front door. So he's Shoeless Jonah today. Fortunately he's two, and shoes aren't an essential clothing item at this stage of his life. Around the same time I realized this, Jonah starts crying. I ask him what's wrong.
"I want Panda!" he says through the sobs.
I realize that we're about to drive by Panda Express.
"Really? You want Panda Express for breakfast?"
"Yes Daddy! I want Panda!"
"Jonah buddy, Panda's closed."
"No it's not, Daddy!"
"Jonah, yes it is. They don't serve breakfast."
"Yes they do, Daddy!"
This continued all the way to daycare, where he refused to get out of his carseat. Tomorrow I think we'll be stopping at Panda on the way so he can see that, in fact, they do not serve breakfast.
I was also irritated when I logged onto CNN and found that "Studies show that homesickness has nothing to do with your home or where you live, but more to do with feeling loved and safe." So, you know, missing home. Also found in the study were that while 8 and 18 year olds might have the same physiological reactions to homesickness, 18 year olds can cope with it better. So infuriating. Here's the link
In other news, I'm still on the Insanity program. Rachel and I took our day off on Friday rather than Sunday, which meant working out yesterday. My legs are starting to get used to the workout, and I don't walk like a ninety year old anymore. I have more of that feeling where I can start to feel the burn by the time I get to the top of the stairs soreness than the 'someone is stabbing me in the quadricep with every step' pain. In any event, the workout yesterday was the same one I wrote the blog about last week, and was much easier. By easier, I mean I could almost do 3/4ths of the exercises, rather than half. In discouraging news, the Wii informed me this morning that I've gained four pounds since starting Insanity. Not sure how that's even possible. I keep telling myself that it's all the extra water I've been drinking to stay hydrated, or that I've just started adding muscle mass, but who knows.
We ended up at the beach this weekend in an attempt to beat the heat. Worked wonderfully, as it was only about 58 degrees in Lincoln City. During a walk on the beach Sunday, Rachel and I tried to teach Jonah his full name and city, in case he ever found himself separated from us. We succeeded in the fact that if he's ever lost in a store or an event setting and they announce they found a kid on the P.A. system, we'll know it's our kid.
Unfortunately, Jonah thinks his name is Jonah Buzz Lightyear Gazelle, from Sideswipe, Oregon.
Maybe you could claim him for us.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Get Fit or Get Dead
My wife is one of the most practical people ever to grace this planet. Our grocery store trips are based on what coupons come in the mail that week. She refuses to do any maintenance on the cars other than oil changes. She'll go to Kohl's or Target, see something she wants, then come home and think about it for two days. Then she'll buy it but won't take the tag off for another few days just to make sure she's happy with it. Then she'll probably return it because she saw something similar on sale for cheaper at Target. If we don't need it, we don't buy it. If we buy it and realize later on we don't need it, we don't keep it. We sell it on craigslist for a profit. We really couldn't be more opposite. She's a saver, I'm a spender. I'm impulsive, she's pragmatic. This is why I don't spend one dollar without running it by her first. One time I went out and bought a new HDMI cord for the TV. Guy at radio shack told me it was the one to get....cost me $90. When I heard the price, I whistled and said "well this is going to be fun to explain to my wife." The clerk says "Trust me, play a DVD without it, then plug this baby in, and she'll be sold." I said "Buddy, obviously you don't know my wife." By the time I got home, Rachel had already reviewed our checking account, saw what I spent and was already on the Wal Mart website finding a $30 cord that worked just as well.
So imagine my surprise when a few weeks ago I come home from work and Rachel says "I just saw an infomercial, we HAVE to buy this!" That's probably the least likely sentence to come out of Rachel's mouth, narrowly edging out "Have fun at the casino, just don't tell me what you lost because I don't want to know." I was then sent to the TV to scan channels for this infomercial. The infomercial? INSANITY. A sixty day exercise program designed to "get you in the best shape of your life." I'm watching this infomercial, as people in way better shape than I am are sweating profusely and making faces like they're giving birth to a twelve pound baby without the aid of anesthesia. Meanwhile, a voiceover guy is saying things like "IF YOU DON'T MIND WORKING OUT IN A POOL OF YOUR OWN SWEAT, THEN THIS IS THE WORKOUT FOR YOU." I watched the full 30 minute infomercial, and all I could think was "This looks like a lot of pushups and jumping."
Rachel in the meantime was ready go three rounds with a grizzly bear. "Doesn't that just look awesome? I'm so excited to push myself like that!" Actually no, honey, it does not look awesome. It looks painful. And it costs $120 plus shipping and handling. This was not the practical, pragmatic girl I married. This was a sweat-thirsty rabid badger hell bent on rocking washerboard style abs in sixty days.
I don't know how it works in other people's relationships, but when Rachel gets that look, I just go with it. We started scouring craigslist trying to find this 13 DVD festival of pain. I finally found a guy selling it for $80, was able to talk him down to $70 and even got him to bring it to us, so that was great. Last night, we opened it up and took the "baseline fitness test" which is basically a couple exercises you do to measure your current fitness levels, then do again every two weeks to track your progress.
Before the test comes on, there's a disclaimer that basically says "Look, we're not messing around. Talk to your doctor before starting this. If you're not in decent shape already, buy another fitness tape before starting this one. If at any time you feel dizzy, stop immediately. Seriously, you might die if you do this."
Then it was time fore the test. Shaun T. our host for this joyride, is one of those super in shape guys that probably owns one shirt that he wears to church. The rest of the time, he walks around shirtless. Every exercise is one minute of as many reps as you can do. We start by doing judo style kicks. After our one minute, we get about a minute off to record our numbers. I'm already dying. Rachel's writing down our counts and Shaun T. is saying "Tonya here just did 45, how many did you do?" I'm about to tell Rachel I did 25, when she says "I must've counted wrong. I got 58." She didn't count wrong. She's just a beast. This continues to go along with Rachel powering through every exercise and me thinking "Save a spot at the table for me God, I'll be there for dinner."
25 painful minutes later, we're all done. Shaun T's telling us to stand up and make large, slow circles with our arms to cool down. I'm lying in the prone position on the floor making carpet angels staring at the ceiling through eyes stinging with sweat. Rachel's laughing like some sort of evil genius who has finally gotten the best of the superhero. Then she says "I'm not sure I can do this with you....you sound like an elephant when you do pushups." Thanks honey. I really appreciate that. I try to say something along the lines of "because this workout uses your own body weight as resistance, you realize I'm doing over twice the work of your skinny ass, dear" but all that comes out of my mouth is "F you, I'm fat."
Anyways, if I don't die, there's no way I won't be in better shape by the end of these two months. My legs are more tired today than they are after an hour on the elliptical or a 4 mile run. Technically the program is supposed to be six straight days, with a day off on Sunday, so guess what? We're doing the damn fit test again tonight to get on track.
Oh joy.
So imagine my surprise when a few weeks ago I come home from work and Rachel says "I just saw an infomercial, we HAVE to buy this!" That's probably the least likely sentence to come out of Rachel's mouth, narrowly edging out "Have fun at the casino, just don't tell me what you lost because I don't want to know." I was then sent to the TV to scan channels for this infomercial. The infomercial? INSANITY. A sixty day exercise program designed to "get you in the best shape of your life." I'm watching this infomercial, as people in way better shape than I am are sweating profusely and making faces like they're giving birth to a twelve pound baby without the aid of anesthesia. Meanwhile, a voiceover guy is saying things like "IF YOU DON'T MIND WORKING OUT IN A POOL OF YOUR OWN SWEAT, THEN THIS IS THE WORKOUT FOR YOU." I watched the full 30 minute infomercial, and all I could think was "This looks like a lot of pushups and jumping."
Rachel in the meantime was ready go three rounds with a grizzly bear. "Doesn't that just look awesome? I'm so excited to push myself like that!" Actually no, honey, it does not look awesome. It looks painful. And it costs $120 plus shipping and handling. This was not the practical, pragmatic girl I married. This was a sweat-thirsty rabid badger hell bent on rocking washerboard style abs in sixty days.
I don't know how it works in other people's relationships, but when Rachel gets that look, I just go with it. We started scouring craigslist trying to find this 13 DVD festival of pain. I finally found a guy selling it for $80, was able to talk him down to $70 and even got him to bring it to us, so that was great. Last night, we opened it up and took the "baseline fitness test" which is basically a couple exercises you do to measure your current fitness levels, then do again every two weeks to track your progress.
Before the test comes on, there's a disclaimer that basically says "Look, we're not messing around. Talk to your doctor before starting this. If you're not in decent shape already, buy another fitness tape before starting this one. If at any time you feel dizzy, stop immediately. Seriously, you might die if you do this."
Then it was time fore the test. Shaun T. our host for this joyride, is one of those super in shape guys that probably owns one shirt that he wears to church. The rest of the time, he walks around shirtless. Every exercise is one minute of as many reps as you can do. We start by doing judo style kicks. After our one minute, we get about a minute off to record our numbers. I'm already dying. Rachel's writing down our counts and Shaun T. is saying "Tonya here just did 45, how many did you do?" I'm about to tell Rachel I did 25, when she says "I must've counted wrong. I got 58." She didn't count wrong. She's just a beast. This continues to go along with Rachel powering through every exercise and me thinking "Save a spot at the table for me God, I'll be there for dinner."
25 painful minutes later, we're all done. Shaun T's telling us to stand up and make large, slow circles with our arms to cool down. I'm lying in the prone position on the floor making carpet angels staring at the ceiling through eyes stinging with sweat. Rachel's laughing like some sort of evil genius who has finally gotten the best of the superhero. Then she says "I'm not sure I can do this with you....you sound like an elephant when you do pushups." Thanks honey. I really appreciate that. I try to say something along the lines of "because this workout uses your own body weight as resistance, you realize I'm doing over twice the work of your skinny ass, dear" but all that comes out of my mouth is "F you, I'm fat."
Anyways, if I don't die, there's no way I won't be in better shape by the end of these two months. My legs are more tired today than they are after an hour on the elliptical or a 4 mile run. Technically the program is supposed to be six straight days, with a day off on Sunday, so guess what? We're doing the damn fit test again tonight to get on track.
Oh joy.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Random Rant of the Day
It never fails to amaze me the money we as a society waste on studies. All the time I come across articles on the web citing a "new study" that shows something blatantly obvious. Like this one about women buying sexier clothes while ovulating. Really? When your hormones are going nuts, you're more likely to do something sexy? This is like saying "Women more likely to engage in sexual activity while drunk" or "Men most likely to engage in life threatening danger between the ages of 18-24. We paid scientists actual money to study these things? Why? Why do we need to confirm something that's basic knowledge?
Also frustrating is the study that finds something obvious, but attributes it to a byproduct. Something like "Video Game Playing linked to Obesity." The study will go on to show that kids who play 4 hours of video games a day are 25 times more likely to be obese than kids who play for 30 minutes or less. The video game has nothing to do with the chubbiness, the sitting inside and not engaging in outdoor activities has everything to do with it. I hate studies like that. Don't blame video games for your kid being fat, blame the fact that he's too lazy to pick up a basketball and go play a game of horse with the skinny kid down the street.
This ends my rant of the day. I feel much better now.
Also frustrating is the study that finds something obvious, but attributes it to a byproduct. Something like "Video Game Playing linked to Obesity." The study will go on to show that kids who play 4 hours of video games a day are 25 times more likely to be obese than kids who play for 30 minutes or less. The video game has nothing to do with the chubbiness, the sitting inside and not engaging in outdoor activities has everything to do with it. I hate studies like that. Don't blame video games for your kid being fat, blame the fact that he's too lazy to pick up a basketball and go play a game of horse with the skinny kid down the street.
This ends my rant of the day. I feel much better now.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Another day, another problem with my television service provider
At this point, my relationship with DirecTV is starting to resemble an Eminem song. My love for DirecTV burned so hot initially, that despite the obvious flaws in DirecTV's character, I'm unwilling to end the relationship, and would rather murder it than set it free. It's unhealthy. Today might have been the last straw. I might just tie my DirecTV to the bed and set the house on fire.
I woke up this morning, and like I've been doing most days this summer, fired up the Wii to watch an episode of Lost on Netflix. When the episode was over, I went to shut everything off, but noticed that when I turned the TV off, the DirecTV receiver didn't shut off as it normally does when you hit the "all off" button on the remote. After trying a couple times to shut it off, I assumed that the box had frozen (as it does from time to time) and went to unplug it. Before doing so, I manually tried to shut the receiver off. The button on the box worked, so now I know something is screwy with my remote. I knew it wasn't the batteries, because it was still working for the TV. I tried switching it to the DVD mode, but it wouldn't control that either. That's when I noticed that the screen said "This button only works in DirecTV mode. Your remote is in TV mode." So basically the little toggle thingy that switches what device the remote uses is broken and will only control the TV regardless of what position it's actually in. So I call DirecTV. Here's a rough transcript of the conversation. DirecTV's comments are in Blue, Mine are in Black, and what I was thinking but didn't actually say is in Red.
Automated Voice (AV): Thank you for calling DirecTV. Are you currently a subscriber? Say yes or no
Me: Yes.
AV: I'm sorry, I'm having trouble understanding you. Let's try again. Are you currently a subscriber? Say yes or no.
Me: YES.
AV: I'm still not getting this. Let's try using your phone. Press one if you are a current subscriber (I push one). Great! I have your phone number as 541-926-8257. If this is the number associated with the account, please press one. (I do again). Great! Now please tell me why you are calling.
Me: My remote no longer works.
AV: You are having problems with your remote. Usually remote problems can be solved by following a few simple steps. Would you like to try?
Me (wondering why it could understand my remote statement but not "YES"): Sure
AV: Have you changed the batteries in your remote recently?
Me: No
AV: Would you like to try now?
Me: No
AV: Ok, Does the remote work in DVD mode?
Me: No
AV: Would you like to reprogram your remote?
Me: No
AV: Please hold
(At this point I'm transferred to an actual person, whom we will call AP)
AP: Thanks for calling DirecTV, may I have the phone number associated with this account?
Me (wondering why she needs this, when the computer already had it): 541-926-8257
AP: Andy Lasselle?
Me: Yes, that's me.
AP: Thank you for being a long time customer, Mr. Lasselle, what can I do for you?
Me: The little switch on the remote that changes what device is controlled is broken, so I need a new remote.
AP: Ok, and what makes you think that?
Are you serious? I took the time out of my day to call you because I'm having a problem, and you're doubting my reason for calling?
Me: Well, it will still control the TV, but nothing else, regardless of where the toggle switch is located.
AP: Ok sir, well have you tried manually pressing the guide button on the receiver?
Me: No, but I tried the power button on the receiver, and that responded
AP: But you didn't try the guide button?
No, because the power button works, so obviously the box is still working. Why would I try every button on the thing?
Me: Nope. I will try it now though. Yep, it works.
AP: Ok, and what happens if you try to change the channel
Me: I get a message saying that this button only works in DirecTV mode and my remote is currently in TV mode.
AP: But you're saying that the remote is in DirecTV mode?
Me: Yes
AP: So the toggle switch is all the way to the left?
Really? I've been a subscriber for two and half years, you really don't think I know what position DirecTV mode is by this point? Really?
Me: Yes.
AP: Ok, it sounds like your remote is broken. So glad we had this entire conversation to end up exactly where we were five minutes ago when you answered the phone and asked what my problem is. I can order you a replacement remote. That will be $15.
Me: Wait, I have to pay for this?
AP: Yes sir, it will be reflected on your next bill
Me: Yeah, I don't think I'm going to pay this. I've had to replace two boxes from you guys, now I have to replace a remote, and you want me to pay for it? I'm thinking I'm going to just switch my service provider instead.
AP: Well sir, I looks here like you don't have the protection plan on your account
Me: That's because I don't have a protection plan. Why in the hell would I pay $5/month for protection against a $15 remote? Do they break more than once every 3 months? A replacement box is $50, do those break more than once every 10 months? If either of those statements are true, then I never should've signed on with you guys in the first place, you freaking swindlers!
AP: Well sir, then you will have to purchase the remote.
Me: Well, I'm not going to do that at this time. I'm going to discuss with my wife if we want to change providers, and will be in touch with you.
AP: Alright sir, is there anything else I can do for you today?
I was honestly surprised that they didn't just send me a free remote at this point. If they're really willing to risk losing our $80/month over a $15 remote, I'm inclined to let them, even if it means paying Comcast slightly more a month for the same service.
Me: Nope. I think you've done enough today
AP: Alright Mr. Lasselle, you have a good day, and thank you for choosing DirecTV
I wish you could see the double middle fingers I'm giving the phone right now lady.
At this point, I should say again that I'm not really upset with the lady that answered the phone. It's not her fault that the remote broke. It's not her fault that she has to ask for $15. It's not her fault that I'm going to have to call back, say I want to cancel my service, then listen to them ask why, tell them because I don't want to pay $15 for a freaking remote, then have them make some bargain to keep me stay which will most likely work, and then everything is fine until something else breaks. I really want to figure out a way to start my own telecommunications company that charges per channel, and people can hand pick every single channel they want, and say screw the rest. I'm not even interested in making money....as long as I broke even, I'd be happy that other people were happy. I hate the fact that in this country, every business touts their customer service to your face while slipping a hand into your pocket to steal a few dimes. It's crap, and I detest it. If my wife treated me the way television service providers do, I'd have probably left a long time ago. And I'm not giving her $80 a month to stick around. It's absurd. Why do I put up with this bull crap?
Problem is that I love TV. It's right behind family, friends, Costco hot dogs and Pepsi on my list of things that I love. It might be above Costco hot dogs, although it's close. Plus, I know that I'm choosing the lesser of two evils if I switch back to Comcast. Actually, I might be choosing the greater of two evils if I go that way. I'm so screwed. I'm not saying I condone Eminem's lyrics, but I understand how he's feeling now.
I woke up this morning, and like I've been doing most days this summer, fired up the Wii to watch an episode of Lost on Netflix. When the episode was over, I went to shut everything off, but noticed that when I turned the TV off, the DirecTV receiver didn't shut off as it normally does when you hit the "all off" button on the remote. After trying a couple times to shut it off, I assumed that the box had frozen (as it does from time to time) and went to unplug it. Before doing so, I manually tried to shut the receiver off. The button on the box worked, so now I know something is screwy with my remote. I knew it wasn't the batteries, because it was still working for the TV. I tried switching it to the DVD mode, but it wouldn't control that either. That's when I noticed that the screen said "This button only works in DirecTV mode. Your remote is in TV mode." So basically the little toggle thingy that switches what device the remote uses is broken and will only control the TV regardless of what position it's actually in. So I call DirecTV. Here's a rough transcript of the conversation. DirecTV's comments are in Blue, Mine are in Black, and what I was thinking but didn't actually say is in Red.
Automated Voice (AV): Thank you for calling DirecTV. Are you currently a subscriber? Say yes or no
Me: Yes.
AV: I'm sorry, I'm having trouble understanding you. Let's try again. Are you currently a subscriber? Say yes or no.
Me: YES.
AV: I'm still not getting this. Let's try using your phone. Press one if you are a current subscriber (I push one). Great! I have your phone number as 541-926-8257. If this is the number associated with the account, please press one. (I do again). Great! Now please tell me why you are calling.
Me: My remote no longer works.
AV: You are having problems with your remote. Usually remote problems can be solved by following a few simple steps. Would you like to try?
Me (wondering why it could understand my remote statement but not "YES"): Sure
AV: Have you changed the batteries in your remote recently?
Me: No
AV: Would you like to try now?
Me: No
AV: Ok, Does the remote work in DVD mode?
Me: No
AV: Would you like to reprogram your remote?
Me: No
AV: Please hold
(At this point I'm transferred to an actual person, whom we will call AP)
AP: Thanks for calling DirecTV, may I have the phone number associated with this account?
Me (wondering why she needs this, when the computer already had it): 541-926-8257
AP: Andy Lasselle?
Me: Yes, that's me.
AP: Thank you for being a long time customer, Mr. Lasselle, what can I do for you?
Me: The little switch on the remote that changes what device is controlled is broken, so I need a new remote.
AP: Ok, and what makes you think that?
Are you serious? I took the time out of my day to call you because I'm having a problem, and you're doubting my reason for calling?
Me: Well, it will still control the TV, but nothing else, regardless of where the toggle switch is located.
AP: Ok sir, well have you tried manually pressing the guide button on the receiver?
Me: No, but I tried the power button on the receiver, and that responded
AP: But you didn't try the guide button?
No, because the power button works, so obviously the box is still working. Why would I try every button on the thing?
Me: Nope. I will try it now though. Yep, it works.
AP: Ok, and what happens if you try to change the channel
Me: I get a message saying that this button only works in DirecTV mode and my remote is currently in TV mode.
AP: But you're saying that the remote is in DirecTV mode?
Me: Yes
AP: So the toggle switch is all the way to the left?
Really? I've been a subscriber for two and half years, you really don't think I know what position DirecTV mode is by this point? Really?
Me: Yes.
AP: Ok, it sounds like your remote is broken. So glad we had this entire conversation to end up exactly where we were five minutes ago when you answered the phone and asked what my problem is. I can order you a replacement remote. That will be $15.
Me: Wait, I have to pay for this?
AP: Yes sir, it will be reflected on your next bill
Me: Yeah, I don't think I'm going to pay this. I've had to replace two boxes from you guys, now I have to replace a remote, and you want me to pay for it? I'm thinking I'm going to just switch my service provider instead.
AP: Well sir, I looks here like you don't have the protection plan on your account
Me: That's because I don't have a protection plan. Why in the hell would I pay $5/month for protection against a $15 remote? Do they break more than once every 3 months? A replacement box is $50, do those break more than once every 10 months? If either of those statements are true, then I never should've signed on with you guys in the first place, you freaking swindlers!
AP: Well sir, then you will have to purchase the remote.
Me: Well, I'm not going to do that at this time. I'm going to discuss with my wife if we want to change providers, and will be in touch with you.
AP: Alright sir, is there anything else I can do for you today?
I was honestly surprised that they didn't just send me a free remote at this point. If they're really willing to risk losing our $80/month over a $15 remote, I'm inclined to let them, even if it means paying Comcast slightly more a month for the same service.
Me: Nope. I think you've done enough today
AP: Alright Mr. Lasselle, you have a good day, and thank you for choosing DirecTV
I wish you could see the double middle fingers I'm giving the phone right now lady.
At this point, I should say again that I'm not really upset with the lady that answered the phone. It's not her fault that the remote broke. It's not her fault that she has to ask for $15. It's not her fault that I'm going to have to call back, say I want to cancel my service, then listen to them ask why, tell them because I don't want to pay $15 for a freaking remote, then have them make some bargain to keep me stay which will most likely work, and then everything is fine until something else breaks. I really want to figure out a way to start my own telecommunications company that charges per channel, and people can hand pick every single channel they want, and say screw the rest. I'm not even interested in making money....as long as I broke even, I'd be happy that other people were happy. I hate the fact that in this country, every business touts their customer service to your face while slipping a hand into your pocket to steal a few dimes. It's crap, and I detest it. If my wife treated me the way television service providers do, I'd have probably left a long time ago. And I'm not giving her $80 a month to stick around. It's absurd. Why do I put up with this bull crap?
Problem is that I love TV. It's right behind family, friends, Costco hot dogs and Pepsi on my list of things that I love. It might be above Costco hot dogs, although it's close. Plus, I know that I'm choosing the lesser of two evils if I switch back to Comcast. Actually, I might be choosing the greater of two evils if I go that way. I'm so screwed. I'm not saying I condone Eminem's lyrics, but I understand how he's feeling now.
Monday, July 26, 2010
California Girls (DJ AndySnacks remix)
I haven't been able to get the new California Girls (The spelling and grammar nazi in me can no longer spell it Gurls) song by Katy Perry out of my head. In fact, I've spent a good part of the last week trying to come up with lyrics to make it about the State of Oregon. I did my best, so listen to the song while you read my lyrics, and see what you think.
I'll be the first to admit that the Snoop Dogg part needs a little work. It starts strong but falls apart.
Anyone want to help me put together a video for this thing and become YouTube sensations?
California Girls (DJ AndySnacks remix)
[Snoop Dogg]
Greetings loved ones
Let's drink a hefe.
[Katy Perry - Verse 1]
I know a place
Where the grass is really greener
cool, wet and mild
But not complainin’ bout the weather
Clothes fitting loose
Layering up to fight the sea breeze (In June)
The boys
could care less
only shaving once a week (At best)
You could travel the world
But nothing comes close
To the Northwest Coast
Once you camp out with us
You'll be falling in love
Oooooh oh oooooh
[Katy Perry - Chorus]
Oregonians
we are respectable
once a year we
wear our flip flops
rains not stop
and yet
we ride our bicycles
Oooooh oh oooooh
Oregonians
We eat our vegetables
Farm fresh, green
We shop the co-op
Northwest born and raised
Now put your hands up
Oooooh oh oooooh
[Katy Perry - Verse 2]
Freeze on the beach
The best kept secret on the west coast
We sleep
In our Jeeps
we got Dave Matthews on the stereo (Oh oh)
You could travel the world
But nothing comes close
To the Northwest Coast
Once you camp out with us
You'll be falling in love
Oooooh oh oooooh
[Katy Perry - Chorus]
Oregonians
we are respectable
once a year we
wear our flip flops
rains not stop
and yet
we ride our bicycles
Oooooh oh oooooh
Oregonians
We eat our vegetables
Farm fresh, green
We shop the co-op
Northwest born and raised
Now put your hands up
Oooooh oh oooooh
[Snoop Dogg - Verse 3]
Two words:
Hybrid Prius
only drive it cause it runs the cleanest
Wild, wild West coast
These are the girls I love the most
I mean the ones
I mean like she's the one
Reduce
Re-use
Recycle, hon!
Just like her mama
She voted Obama
and owns a llama
it’s okay
I won't play
I love Coos Bay
Just like I love John Day
Cannon Beach
And Warm Springs
Summertime is everything
All them boys
come to watch
Don’t forget to look
for sasquatch
all the dammin’s impactin’
our salmon
it’s happenin’
from Seaside
to Brookings
Katy my lady
(Yeah)
You're lookin'here baby
(Uh huh)
I'm all up on you
Cause you represent all of Oregon
(Ohhh yeahh)
[Katy Perry - Chorus]
Oregonians
we are respectable
once a year we
wear our flip flops
rains not stop
and yet
we ride our bicycles
Oooooh oh oooooh
Oregonians
We eat our vegetables
Farm fresh, green
We shop the co-op
Northwest born and raised
Now put your hands up
Oooooh oh oooooh
Snoop Dogg:
(Oregonian, Oregonian)
Oregon state girls man
I wish you all could be
Oregon State girls
(Oregonians)
I really wish
You all could be
Oregon State girls
(Oregon State, girls)
I'll be the first to admit that the Snoop Dogg part needs a little work. It starts strong but falls apart.
Anyone want to help me put together a video for this thing and become YouTube sensations?
California Girls (DJ AndySnacks remix)
[Snoop Dogg]
Greetings loved ones
Let's drink a hefe.
[Katy Perry - Verse 1]
I know a place
Where the grass is really greener
cool, wet and mild
But not complainin’ bout the weather
Clothes fitting loose
Layering up to fight the sea breeze (In June)
The boys
could care less
only shaving once a week (At best)
You could travel the world
But nothing comes close
To the Northwest Coast
Once you camp out with us
You'll be falling in love
Oooooh oh oooooh
[Katy Perry - Chorus]
Oregonians
we are respectable
once a year we
wear our flip flops
rains not stop
and yet
we ride our bicycles
Oooooh oh oooooh
Oregonians
We eat our vegetables
Farm fresh, green
We shop the co-op
Northwest born and raised
Now put your hands up
Oooooh oh oooooh
[Katy Perry - Verse 2]
Freeze on the beach
The best kept secret on the west coast
We sleep
In our Jeeps
we got Dave Matthews on the stereo (Oh oh)
You could travel the world
But nothing comes close
To the Northwest Coast
Once you camp out with us
You'll be falling in love
Oooooh oh oooooh
[Katy Perry - Chorus]
Oregonians
we are respectable
once a year we
wear our flip flops
rains not stop
and yet
we ride our bicycles
Oooooh oh oooooh
Oregonians
We eat our vegetables
Farm fresh, green
We shop the co-op
Northwest born and raised
Now put your hands up
Oooooh oh oooooh
[Snoop Dogg - Verse 3]
Two words:
Hybrid Prius
only drive it cause it runs the cleanest
Wild, wild West coast
These are the girls I love the most
I mean the ones
I mean like she's the one
Reduce
Re-use
Recycle, hon!
Just like her mama
She voted Obama
and owns a llama
it’s okay
I won't play
I love Coos Bay
Just like I love John Day
Cannon Beach
And Warm Springs
Summertime is everything
All them boys
come to watch
Don’t forget to look
for sasquatch
all the dammin’s impactin’
our salmon
it’s happenin’
from Seaside
to Brookings
Katy my lady
(Yeah)
You're lookin'here baby
(Uh huh)
I'm all up on you
Cause you represent all of Oregon
(Ohhh yeahh)
[Katy Perry - Chorus]
Oregonians
we are respectable
once a year we
wear our flip flops
rains not stop
and yet
we ride our bicycles
Oooooh oh oooooh
Oregonians
We eat our vegetables
Farm fresh, green
We shop the co-op
Northwest born and raised
Now put your hands up
Oooooh oh oooooh
Snoop Dogg:
(Oregonian, Oregonian)
Oregon state girls man
I wish you all could be
Oregon State girls
(Oregonians)
I really wish
You all could be
Oregon State girls
(Oregon State, girls)
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Ladies Night
So last night I watched The Bachelorette followed by a Lifetime World Premiere Movie "The Client List." My gender has been called into question more than once about this, but let me just say that it was an enjoyable three hours of tv and I'm already married, so I'm way past trying to project an image of masculinity that isn't there. I like crappy tv, I like pop music, I like Broadway musicals and I am heterosexual. End of story. Anyways, I know that a majority of the people that read my blog are female anyways, so why not cater to my audience, right? One of my dream jobs would be to write snarky recaps of tv shows, so here's my attempt at two of the most entertaining shows I've watched in a long time.
THE BACHELORETTE
Is it possible to have two "guy has a girlfriend back home" episodes in the same season? Having never watched The Bachelorette before, I thought it was highly unlikely that the producers dropped the ball on two contestants. Maybe they didn't. Maybe they knew that Ali had this irrational fear of guys not being honest with her, so they let these two guys on knowing that it'd wreck her emotionally and they'd be there with cameras rolling. Ali is kind of like Cameron Diaz for me in that she's an "on paper" girl. If you wrote out her characteristics and features on a piece of paper, she'd look like an ideal girlfriend. Attractive, energetic, intelligent, motivated, etc. All good qualities, with only minor negative ones (the insecurity thing). Yet, for whatever reason, I can't stand her. I think it's the "world revolves around me" vibe she gives off, which isn't entirely her fault. After all, ABC did make a show about her dating 25 guys and then proceeded to fly her all over the world. I can see how that'd go to your head.
Which brings me to Frank and his decision to leave the show to be with his (ex) girlfriend back home. I expected this episode to be the crown jewel in Frank's mission to be the biggest douche ever. He's spent the entire series saying one thing and acting in an entirely opposite manner. I was attributing this to some clever editing by the ABC folks, but maybe it's because he actually wasn't that interested in ending up with Ali from the get-go. Don't get me wrong, Frank still is a douche, but I actually ended up siding more with him after the episode.
Ali had a right to be pissed at Frank for not being up front with her about his feelings for the ex, but he was absolutely right in saying that he would've been roseless at a ceremony immediately following that nugget of info. It's perfectly reasonable to be interested in two girls at the same time...even more than interested. So it makes sense that he wouldn't want to jeopardize his relationship with either girl until he knew what he wanted to do. Makes perfect sense to me. Ali's made a big deal about "risking everything for love" this season. Well the word risk by its very definition means that it's not a sure thing. You might get hurt. Frank chose another girl and she got hurt.
At this point, Ali goes into this long monologue about how, at a minimum, she expected these guys to be 100% committed to her. Where does she get off saying this when she spends what looks like 8 straight hours making out with Roberto in a heart shaped lagoon one day, then swim-humps Chris clear across an oyster filled beach the next? To say nothing of the fact that she made the comment that she was "so sure" that Frank was going to meet her family, which means that either Chris or Roberto was going to be eliminated. So don't get on your high horse Ms. Fedotowsky, and act like you're the first person to get lied to on the Bachelor/Bachelorette. You've been lying to the guys all season. You can't tell me that she doesn't have an idea of who she's going to eliminate before going on dates each week. You never see her say "I gotta tell you Chris, you're running a solid third right now. You really gotta show me something this week, or you're going home." No, instead she invites multiple guys to fantasy suites for "alone time."
Maybe Frank just leveraged his time on the Bachelorette to force his ex to realize her feelings for him and commit. If so, it might be the most extravagant ploy in the history of dating. In any event, I came away feeling worse for Frank having to tell a girl on camera that he loved someone else and then sit there while she cries, knowing anything that comes out of his mouth is going to make him sound even worse, forcing him to sit there like a statue while she rails about how he's the biggest jerk she's ever met. Apparently she forgot about the Canadian wrestler who was involved with two women up north and was only on the show to promote his non-existent career. Clearly Frank was a bigger jerk than him.
THE CLIENT LIST
In defense of my manhood, the previews for this movie showed a scantily clad Jennifer Love Hewitt talking with a bad southern accent. This is like one of my adolescent fantasies come to life. In prosecution of my manhood, it was on Lifetime, a channel that bills itself as "television for women." We'll call it a draw. In any event, I was beyond excited for this one. You can never make too many "I was wrong, but I did it for the right reasons" movies.
The movie followed your typical storyline: Family is broke, mom takes a job as a masseuse only to find out she's actually taken a job as a whore, quits, can't pay for gas on the way home, begs for the prostitute position back, becomes the most successful hooker in Texas, nobody questions how a masseuse can make so much money, becomes so tired from having sex umpteen times a day that she has to turn to cocaine to help her daughter with her bake sale, relationships fray, cops eventually crack down and her life turns to shambles. Seen it a thousand times.
What happened after the inevitable fall from grace was so ridiculous that it instantly became my favorite Lifetime movie of all time, narrowly edging out the movie about the pregnancy pact at the high school and the one where the lesser known Duff sister is a nanny for a family that is murdered and her brother is framed for it. The moral of this movie seemed to be that it's ok to become a cocaine addicte hooker so long as you have a photographic memory and are willing to rat out your clientele for a reduced jail sentence. It also helps to have a best friend who is a lawyer. Oh, and you'll be able to quit cocaine cold turkey. And all the wives of men you slept with will forgive you, as long as you show them some "tricks of the trade" to reignite their relationships with their hooker-using husbands. Sure, your husband will leave you and take the kids, but if you share a birthday with your youngest daughter, he will forgive you at her birthday party because, hey, it's your birthday too, and it's easy to forgive someone on their birthday.
And now, Andy's random thoughts on marriage, brought to you by The Client List.
THE BACHELORETTE
Is it possible to have two "guy has a girlfriend back home" episodes in the same season? Having never watched The Bachelorette before, I thought it was highly unlikely that the producers dropped the ball on two contestants. Maybe they didn't. Maybe they knew that Ali had this irrational fear of guys not being honest with her, so they let these two guys on knowing that it'd wreck her emotionally and they'd be there with cameras rolling. Ali is kind of like Cameron Diaz for me in that she's an "on paper" girl. If you wrote out her characteristics and features on a piece of paper, she'd look like an ideal girlfriend. Attractive, energetic, intelligent, motivated, etc. All good qualities, with only minor negative ones (the insecurity thing). Yet, for whatever reason, I can't stand her. I think it's the "world revolves around me" vibe she gives off, which isn't entirely her fault. After all, ABC did make a show about her dating 25 guys and then proceeded to fly her all over the world. I can see how that'd go to your head.
Which brings me to Frank and his decision to leave the show to be with his (ex) girlfriend back home. I expected this episode to be the crown jewel in Frank's mission to be the biggest douche ever. He's spent the entire series saying one thing and acting in an entirely opposite manner. I was attributing this to some clever editing by the ABC folks, but maybe it's because he actually wasn't that interested in ending up with Ali from the get-go. Don't get me wrong, Frank still is a douche, but I actually ended up siding more with him after the episode.
Ali had a right to be pissed at Frank for not being up front with her about his feelings for the ex, but he was absolutely right in saying that he would've been roseless at a ceremony immediately following that nugget of info. It's perfectly reasonable to be interested in two girls at the same time...even more than interested. So it makes sense that he wouldn't want to jeopardize his relationship with either girl until he knew what he wanted to do. Makes perfect sense to me. Ali's made a big deal about "risking everything for love" this season. Well the word risk by its very definition means that it's not a sure thing. You might get hurt. Frank chose another girl and she got hurt.
At this point, Ali goes into this long monologue about how, at a minimum, she expected these guys to be 100% committed to her. Where does she get off saying this when she spends what looks like 8 straight hours making out with Roberto in a heart shaped lagoon one day, then swim-humps Chris clear across an oyster filled beach the next? To say nothing of the fact that she made the comment that she was "so sure" that Frank was going to meet her family, which means that either Chris or Roberto was going to be eliminated. So don't get on your high horse Ms. Fedotowsky, and act like you're the first person to get lied to on the Bachelor/Bachelorette. You've been lying to the guys all season. You can't tell me that she doesn't have an idea of who she's going to eliminate before going on dates each week. You never see her say "I gotta tell you Chris, you're running a solid third right now. You really gotta show me something this week, or you're going home." No, instead she invites multiple guys to fantasy suites for "alone time."
Maybe Frank just leveraged his time on the Bachelorette to force his ex to realize her feelings for him and commit. If so, it might be the most extravagant ploy in the history of dating. In any event, I came away feeling worse for Frank having to tell a girl on camera that he loved someone else and then sit there while she cries, knowing anything that comes out of his mouth is going to make him sound even worse, forcing him to sit there like a statue while she rails about how he's the biggest jerk she's ever met. Apparently she forgot about the Canadian wrestler who was involved with two women up north and was only on the show to promote his non-existent career. Clearly Frank was a bigger jerk than him.
THE CLIENT LIST
In defense of my manhood, the previews for this movie showed a scantily clad Jennifer Love Hewitt talking with a bad southern accent. This is like one of my adolescent fantasies come to life. In prosecution of my manhood, it was on Lifetime, a channel that bills itself as "television for women." We'll call it a draw. In any event, I was beyond excited for this one. You can never make too many "I was wrong, but I did it for the right reasons" movies.
The movie followed your typical storyline: Family is broke, mom takes a job as a masseuse only to find out she's actually taken a job as a whore, quits, can't pay for gas on the way home, begs for the prostitute position back, becomes the most successful hooker in Texas, nobody questions how a masseuse can make so much money, becomes so tired from having sex umpteen times a day that she has to turn to cocaine to help her daughter with her bake sale, relationships fray, cops eventually crack down and her life turns to shambles. Seen it a thousand times.
What happened after the inevitable fall from grace was so ridiculous that it instantly became my favorite Lifetime movie of all time, narrowly edging out the movie about the pregnancy pact at the high school and the one where the lesser known Duff sister is a nanny for a family that is murdered and her brother is framed for it. The moral of this movie seemed to be that it's ok to become a cocaine addicte hooker so long as you have a photographic memory and are willing to rat out your clientele for a reduced jail sentence. It also helps to have a best friend who is a lawyer. Oh, and you'll be able to quit cocaine cold turkey. And all the wives of men you slept with will forgive you, as long as you show them some "tricks of the trade" to reignite their relationships with their hooker-using husbands. Sure, your husband will leave you and take the kids, but if you share a birthday with your youngest daughter, he will forgive you at her birthday party because, hey, it's your birthday too, and it's easy to forgive someone on their birthday.
And now, Andy's random thoughts on marriage, brought to you by The Client List.
- Clear major life decisions with your spouse. You wouldn't buy a new car without checking with your husband first, so don't become a hooker without clearing it with him either.
- Joint checking accounts. Get 'em. That way your husband can't go see a hooker.
- Don't ignore warning signs. If your wife's a masseuse that works in until midnight, she might be a hooker. If your wife starts losing weight, has violent mood swings, and develops dark circles around her eyes, she might be a hooker addicted to cocaine. Don't ignore these things just because she bought you a motorcycle and paid off your mortgage as the world's most expensive masseuse.
- If the word "prostitution" comes up in your marriage, you need to get a divorce. Unless you've gone through rule one. If everyone's on board with the prostitution, then it's ok. But if your husband is secretly visiting a prostitute, that's not his way of saying your relationship needs help. If your wife is an actual prostitute who hid it from you for two years, there is no circumstance where you could ever trust her again. Get out.
- Do not consult a prostitute for relationship advice. Very, very bad idea all the way around.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Vacation all I ever wanted.....
Well, this blog turned out to be a lot longer than orginally planned. Took me almost two days of writing here and there during lulls in work. Enjoy!
Back at work after a relaxing week in Wisconsin. Wisconsin isn't too bad as far as travel destinations go. It was a little humid, and there were some mosquito issues, but you have those same problems in most tropical destinations as well. "But Andy, there aren't any white sandy beaches in Wisconsin!" What's that you say? Well, are there cheese curds in Hawaii? Did your pig on a spit taste as good as my brat on the grill? What say you now?
Wisconsin and Oregon are actually pretty similar in that neither state has a lot of cache nationally. For instance, people in Oregon think Wisconsin is one giant dairy and that the people all talk funny and eat cheese all day. People in Wisconsin pronounce Oregon "OR-UH-GONE" and don't think they need to know our state captiol because "who the hell cares about Oregon?" (That's actually the first thing my wife told me about Oregon upon us meeting for the first time. She never could remember the capitol growing up because she never thought she'd ever need to know it.)
A great illustration of this point happened when the county sheriff stopped by Rachel's parent's house campaigning for re-election last week. He talked about all the great stuff the K9 program is doing, and then said that he hoped he had our votes. Rachel's dad commented that he had his, but we were ineligible because we lived in Oregon, to which the sheriff replied "Oh OR-UH-GONE eh? We took a vacation out there and it was great! We went to Mt. St. Helens, which was amazing!" Basically the best thing about our state to him was that it was close to a landmark in another state. Kind of like if I had said "I visited Wisconsin once. We went to Chicago, it was awesome!"
Also got to take in a Brewers game, which is always fun. As part of a bachelor/bachelorette party for Rachel's sister and her fiance, we took a chartered bus to Milwaukee for the game against the Pirates last Saturday. There's a special parking lot for the bus crowd, and if they do one thing well in Wisconsin, it's tailgate. Out in Oregon, we tailgate for college football and that's about it. In Wisconsin, you tailgate your niece's dance recital. The only difference between football tailgating and baseball tailgating that I could see is less clothing due to the weather. This gave me a chance to declare the parking lot at Miller Park the "Rib Cage Tattoo Capitol of the World." I saw no less than four people with tattoos a few inches below their armpit. One guy had a Chinese character. One guy had the quote "It's a great day for hockey" written on his side. A girl rocking the stylish "shirt cut all the way down the sides and tied at the bottom with bikini top" look had an entire bible verse going from armpit to hip bone. I really wanted to question her on why she went with the entire verse rather than just getting "Phil. 4:13" or whatever, but I'm not sure how a married, sober 30 year old approaches an intoxicated 22 year old in a non creepy manner. Especially with his wife around. There were all sorts of tattoos. One guy had bat wings on each of his shoulder blades, and what looked to be a devil's tail tattooed on his low back. Another guy had the standard barbed wire bicep. Saw more than a few ankle and calf tats. Tattoos to me are a deeply personal thing, but it's surprising how many people end up with roughly the same tattoo in the same location. There were quite a few chinese characters on the nape of the neck tattoos. One might say "peace" while another might say "warrior," but to the average person these tattoos look exactly the same, so what's the point? And don't say you did it for yourself if it's on your back.....you can't even see it. How is that significant to you? I would venture to guess that people with tattoos on their back can go for weeks at a time without even remembering they have a tattoo. I guess that's why I never did it. I had an idea for a tattoo that I thought was pretty good (getting my name tattooed on the sole of my foot, like the toys in Toy Story), but never went through with it, mostly because after a few months, I'd forget it was there and really wouldn't want to explain to people 30 years from now what it was about when the movies had faded from public consciousness.
Rachel also took this opportunity to relive her younger days and have a few beers. Being married to a teetotaler and becoming a mother have severely hindered Rachel's drinking opportunities. I love my wife, and think she's extremely funny, but Tipsy Rachel is one of the most entertaining people I've ever met. She made sure to tell everyone that she was on her fifth beer, while wearing Jonah's "little buddy" sunglasses because she left hers at home. These things barely fit on her head, so that she looked like some sort of Star Wars character, only with bear paw prints on the rims of the glasses. I immediately thought Rachel should get a couple of tiny bear paws tattooed next to her eyes, which Tipsy Rachel said would be "awesome." Tipsy Rachel also started taking pictures of everyone tailgating for the "wedding slideshow" she was putting together for her sister. I heard the term "wedding slide show" at least fifty times. Tipsy Rachel also coined the phrase "What stays in Wisconsin, happens in Wisconsin," which got more than a few strange looks from people. Some people need video cameras to record their children's cute moments, I need one for my tipsy wife's cute moments.
Well, this blog turned out to be a lot longer than orginally planned. Took me almost two days of writing here and there during lulls in work. Enjoy!
Back at work after a relaxing week in Wisconsin. Wisconsin isn't too bad as far as travel destinations go. It was a little humid, and there were some mosquito issues, but you have those same problems in most tropical destinations as well. "But Andy, there aren't any white sandy beaches in Wisconsin!" What's that you say? Well, are there cheese curds in Hawaii? Did your pig on a spit taste as good as my brat on the grill? What say you now?
Wisconsin and Oregon are actually pretty similar in that neither state has a lot of cache nationally. For instance, people in Oregon think Wisconsin is one giant dairy and that the people all talk funny and eat cheese all day. People in Wisconsin pronounce Oregon "OR-UH-GONE" and don't think they need to know our state captiol because "who the hell cares about Oregon?" (That's actually the first thing my wife told me about Oregon upon us meeting for the first time. She never could remember the capitol growing up because she never thought she'd ever need to know it.)
A great illustration of this point happened when the county sheriff stopped by Rachel's parent's house campaigning for re-election last week. He talked about all the great stuff the K9 program is doing, and then said that he hoped he had our votes. Rachel's dad commented that he had his, but we were ineligible because we lived in Oregon, to which the sheriff replied "Oh OR-UH-GONE eh? We took a vacation out there and it was great! We went to Mt. St. Helens, which was amazing!" Basically the best thing about our state to him was that it was close to a landmark in another state. Kind of like if I had said "I visited Wisconsin once. We went to Chicago, it was awesome!"
Also got to take in a Brewers game, which is always fun. As part of a bachelor/bachelorette party for Rachel's sister and her fiance, we took a chartered bus to Milwaukee for the game against the Pirates last Saturday. There's a special parking lot for the bus crowd, and if they do one thing well in Wisconsin, it's tailgate. Out in Oregon, we tailgate for college football and that's about it. In Wisconsin, you tailgate your niece's dance recital. The only difference between football tailgating and baseball tailgating that I could see is less clothing due to the weather. This gave me a chance to declare the parking lot at Miller Park the "Rib Cage Tattoo Capitol of the World." I saw no less than four people with tattoos a few inches below their armpit. One guy had a Chinese character. One guy had the quote "It's a great day for hockey" written on his side. A girl rocking the stylish "shirt cut all the way down the sides and tied at the bottom with bikini top" look had an entire bible verse going from armpit to hip bone. I really wanted to question her on why she went with the entire verse rather than just getting "Phil. 4:13" or whatever, but I'm not sure how a married, sober 30 year old approaches an intoxicated 22 year old in a non creepy manner. Especially with his wife around. There were all sorts of tattoos. One guy had bat wings on each of his shoulder blades, and what looked to be a devil's tail tattooed on his low back. Another guy had the standard barbed wire bicep. Saw more than a few ankle and calf tats. Tattoos to me are a deeply personal thing, but it's surprising how many people end up with roughly the same tattoo in the same location. There were quite a few chinese characters on the nape of the neck tattoos. One might say "peace" while another might say "warrior," but to the average person these tattoos look exactly the same, so what's the point? And don't say you did it for yourself if it's on your back.....you can't even see it. How is that significant to you? I would venture to guess that people with tattoos on their back can go for weeks at a time without even remembering they have a tattoo. I guess that's why I never did it. I had an idea for a tattoo that I thought was pretty good (getting my name tattooed on the sole of my foot, like the toys in Toy Story), but never went through with it, mostly because after a few months, I'd forget it was there and really wouldn't want to explain to people 30 years from now what it was about when the movies had faded from public consciousness.
Rachel also took this opportunity to relive her younger days and have a few beers. Being married to a teetotaler and becoming a mother have severely hindered Rachel's drinking opportunities. I love my wife, and think she's extremely funny, but Tipsy Rachel is one of the most entertaining people I've ever met. She made sure to tell everyone that she was on her fifth beer, while wearing Jonah's "little buddy" sunglasses because she left hers at home. These things barely fit on her head, so that she looked like some sort of Star Wars character, only with bear paw prints on the rims of the glasses. I immediately thought Rachel should get a couple of tiny bear paws tattooed next to her eyes, which Tipsy Rachel said would be "awesome." Tipsy Rachel also started taking pictures of everyone tailgating for the "wedding slideshow" she was putting together for her sister. I heard the term "wedding slide show" at least fifty times. Tipsy Rachel also coined the phrase "What stays in Wisconsin, happens in Wisconsin," which got more than a few strange looks from people. Some people need video cameras to record their children's cute moments, I need one for my tipsy wife's cute moments.
Well, this blog turned out to be a lot longer than orginally planned. Took me almost two days of writing here and there during lulls in work. Enjoy!
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Summer Cleaning
*So glad the weather turned nicer. Not because I enjoy it, but because I'm sick and tired of everyone talking about how awful it was. Please note that a lot of these people are the same ones who love the fact that Oregon is so "green," completely ignoring the fact that it wouldn't be green without all that rain they despise. That's not to say that I am immune to the charm's of an Oregon summer. I looked so good outside, I tried to go for a 4 mile run on my lunch break. To make a weather analogy, I felt like 75 and sunny, but in actuality I was about 45 with a steady rain and winds gusting up to 40 mph. It was that bad. I'll blame part of it on my new allergy problem. I was OK with getting older, until I got allergies for the first time in my life this year. Screw this weakening immune system or whatever is going on.
*Took Jonah to the zoo on Sunday. The threat of rain, plus the 9:30 am time made it feel like we were on our own private tour of the zoo. Just an awesome experience, because a lot of the animals were more active than they are later in the day. The dinosaur exhibit was awesome. I thought it might be a little scary for Jonah, but he handled it pretty well. Handled it better than the bird of prey show. I thought he'd love seeing these big birds fly around, but I was unaware that these birds fly lower than Maverick in Top Gun. These birds were literally no more than six inches off the ground as they flew from perch to perch. We were sitting close to one of the perches, and Jonah got almost nose to nose with a giant turkey vulture as it swooped within probably a foot of his face. That was enough for him. We had a bit of an issue with birds of any size for a few days after that, but he seems to be doing better now.
*Despite my ongoing battle with DirecTv to get HD local channels in the Eugene area, I buckled and forked over another $99 (plus $5 a month) to get another box for our bedroom. The deciding factor? The World Cup. These games are on too early on weekends to get out of bed and drag myself to the couch to watch. To offset the cost of the box, I sold my Xbox 360. As Rachel said, I "finally decided to grow up?" It wasn't so much that, it's just that I really never had time to play anymore. Most of video game time is now taken up playing Wii tennis with Jonah, or watching him try to mimic the yoga poses on Wii Fit, which is hilarious. He's got the warrior pose down pretty good, but my favorite one to see him do is the cobra. His cobra looks more like a posturing elephant seal, but he gets an A for effort.
*I'm still not used to conference calls in our board room where the people at the Portland Office sound like God because the audio sounds like it's THX Dolby 5.0. Extremely creepy when one lady found a joke funnier than everyone else and laughed like a deranged super-villan. I felt like I needed to immediately run to church and take a shower in holy water. That's the appropriate response when you hear the Devil's laugh, right?
*Took Jonah to the zoo on Sunday. The threat of rain, plus the 9:30 am time made it feel like we were on our own private tour of the zoo. Just an awesome experience, because a lot of the animals were more active than they are later in the day. The dinosaur exhibit was awesome. I thought it might be a little scary for Jonah, but he handled it pretty well. Handled it better than the bird of prey show. I thought he'd love seeing these big birds fly around, but I was unaware that these birds fly lower than Maverick in Top Gun. These birds were literally no more than six inches off the ground as they flew from perch to perch. We were sitting close to one of the perches, and Jonah got almost nose to nose with a giant turkey vulture as it swooped within probably a foot of his face. That was enough for him. We had a bit of an issue with birds of any size for a few days after that, but he seems to be doing better now.
*Despite my ongoing battle with DirecTv to get HD local channels in the Eugene area, I buckled and forked over another $99 (plus $5 a month) to get another box for our bedroom. The deciding factor? The World Cup. These games are on too early on weekends to get out of bed and drag myself to the couch to watch. To offset the cost of the box, I sold my Xbox 360. As Rachel said, I "finally decided to grow up?" It wasn't so much that, it's just that I really never had time to play anymore. Most of video game time is now taken up playing Wii tennis with Jonah, or watching him try to mimic the yoga poses on Wii Fit, which is hilarious. He's got the warrior pose down pretty good, but my favorite one to see him do is the cobra. His cobra looks more like a posturing elephant seal, but he gets an A for effort.
*I'm still not used to conference calls in our board room where the people at the Portland Office sound like God because the audio sounds like it's THX Dolby 5.0. Extremely creepy when one lady found a joke funnier than everyone else and laughed like a deranged super-villan. I felt like I needed to immediately run to church and take a shower in holy water. That's the appropriate response when you hear the Devil's laugh, right?
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
The Day the Transformers Died
Every one of us grew up vowing to be "cooler" than our parents. We were going to let our kids do things we weren't allowed to do, stay up late on special occasions, and basically be more of a friend than a parent. It's crap. You have to be a parent....otherwise, by the time your kid hits high school, you're hosting a party for 14 year olds that involve beer bongs and flip-cup.
Take Jonah for instance. One day he was adamant about watching Jurassic Park. I was worried it would be too scary for him, but to my surprise, he loved it. Laughed every time a dinosaur ate a guy. I didn't think much of it because hey, he's two. Plus, he's not going to run into any dinosaurs anytime soon, so there wasn't much fear of him translating Jurassic Park to real life. I applied this same theory with Transformers. I figured there weren't any giant talking robots around, so what's the harm? Well, he started shooting fake Transformers all over our house. Every appliance was a Transformer that needed to be "launched up." We had outlawed the words "kill" and "shoot," but launching was acceptable, so long as he didn't launch people. To his credit, Jonah was pretty good about abiding by these rules. Again, a little concerning, but I felt we were communicating effectively with him and everything was good.
There were other warning signs too. Jonah refused to go on a walk in the forest because "there were ghosts in there." I realized later that he got this idea when we watched Robin Hood: Prince of Theives.
Then we let him watch Adventures in Babysitting.
A movie that everyone of my generation grew up on. We all remember the opening credits, the little girl's obsession with Thor, and the crazy adventure they go on. What we didn't remember is the gang fight on the El Train, which involves some choice language and a knife. So while I cringed when the now infamous line was uttered during the movie, I didn't expect what happened a few days later. While Jonah and Rachel were at the toy store, Jonah grabbed a knife-like toy, turned, pointed it at Rachel and yelled "Don't f--- with the babysitter!"
Jonah is now not allowed to watch anything over PG, and we have to use extreme caution with anything not animated. Even The Sandlot has a curse word or two. Jonah will have lots of friends in his life, but he's only going to have two parents. From now on, I'm going to try harder to be one.
-------------------------------------------
Weight Loss Journal Day ????
I really should've written down the day I started this thing. I could probably start back at one (If you started singing Brian McKnight in your head when you read that, give yourself a point) due to my lack of effort on this front.
Weight Per Wii: 243.5 (- 5.5 lbs)
When I started this thing, I set an unofficial weight loss goal of 5 lbs a month. I think I'm about two months in, and losing roughly 3 lbs/month. Not bad for basically abstaining from exercise for a month. I did try to eat more salads and we kind of got off of our habit of eating ice cream every night, so that might have contributed.
The Good: After the 5k on Saturday, I got out there and ran a few miles again yesterday.
The Bad: Those two miles felt like 10. It felt like I was running on a sandy beach.
The Ugly: I thought about doing some pushups this morning, but I swear to you that my arms literally hurt just thinking about it.
Take Jonah for instance. One day he was adamant about watching Jurassic Park. I was worried it would be too scary for him, but to my surprise, he loved it. Laughed every time a dinosaur ate a guy. I didn't think much of it because hey, he's two. Plus, he's not going to run into any dinosaurs anytime soon, so there wasn't much fear of him translating Jurassic Park to real life. I applied this same theory with Transformers. I figured there weren't any giant talking robots around, so what's the harm? Well, he started shooting fake Transformers all over our house. Every appliance was a Transformer that needed to be "launched up." We had outlawed the words "kill" and "shoot," but launching was acceptable, so long as he didn't launch people. To his credit, Jonah was pretty good about abiding by these rules. Again, a little concerning, but I felt we were communicating effectively with him and everything was good.
There were other warning signs too. Jonah refused to go on a walk in the forest because "there were ghosts in there." I realized later that he got this idea when we watched Robin Hood: Prince of Theives.
Then we let him watch Adventures in Babysitting.
A movie that everyone of my generation grew up on. We all remember the opening credits, the little girl's obsession with Thor, and the crazy adventure they go on. What we didn't remember is the gang fight on the El Train, which involves some choice language and a knife. So while I cringed when the now infamous line was uttered during the movie, I didn't expect what happened a few days later. While Jonah and Rachel were at the toy store, Jonah grabbed a knife-like toy, turned, pointed it at Rachel and yelled "Don't f--- with the babysitter!"
Jonah is now not allowed to watch anything over PG, and we have to use extreme caution with anything not animated. Even The Sandlot has a curse word or two. Jonah will have lots of friends in his life, but he's only going to have two parents. From now on, I'm going to try harder to be one.
-------------------------------------------
Weight Loss Journal Day ????
I really should've written down the day I started this thing. I could probably start back at one (If you started singing Brian McKnight in your head when you read that, give yourself a point) due to my lack of effort on this front.
Weight Per Wii: 243.5 (- 5.5 lbs)
When I started this thing, I set an unofficial weight loss goal of 5 lbs a month. I think I'm about two months in, and losing roughly 3 lbs/month. Not bad for basically abstaining from exercise for a month. I did try to eat more salads and we kind of got off of our habit of eating ice cream every night, so that might have contributed.
The Good: After the 5k on Saturday, I got out there and ran a few miles again yesterday.
The Bad: Those two miles felt like 10. It felt like I was running on a sandy beach.
The Ugly: I thought about doing some pushups this morning, but I swear to you that my arms literally hurt just thinking about it.
Monday, June 7, 2010
So glad summer stopped by for two days.
I tried as much as I could to not blame the rain for my lack of exercise, but it's come down to either I blame the rain or I blame my own lack of motivation, so rain it is. It's been quite entertaining to read various status updates and twitter postings regarding the rain we've had lately. My favorite was someone commenting that they had seen Steve Carrell in a large wooden boat go by their house. (If you haven't seen Evan Almighty, that joke probably wasn't funny.)
Saturday was one of the most perfect days the man upstairs ever cooked up. Mid seventies, light breeze and no clouds. A perfect day for a 5k race! The Lebanon Strawberry Festival happens every first weekend in June, and Rachel has always wanted to go (show of support for the town she's been employed in for the past 7 years and all that). Circumstances have always been that we have been unable to go, but this year there were no conflicts, so I was signed up for a 5k with no real warning. Of course, the idea was that I should've been running all along and a 5k should be no big deal. To be honest, it wasn't that tough, kind of fun to run through town with both sides of the street filled with people cheering. Granted, they are there to see the parade and eat the "world's largest strawberry shortcake" presented by Mega Foods, but it's nice none the less. I wasn't surprised to hear how many people shouted hi to Rachel as we ran, but I was surprised to hear exclaimations of "It's Jonah!" as Rachel pushed him along in the jogger. I've lived in the mid-Willamette Valley for roughly 7 times longer than Jonah's been alive, and he is more well known than I am. A group of his daycare mates had some prime real estate curbside for the parade. I just checked my time for the race and we came in at a decent 33:08 (200th place!), or roughly 10 minute miles....the same pace I ran Hood to Coast in last summer. Probably could've cut a minute or two off the time, but we slowed down dramatically when Jonah wanted to run the last half mile or so, much to the delight of the ever-growing crowd. Jonah was very proud of the "finisher" ribbon he received, and kept urging us to "run more" after we crossed the finish line. Next year he might be ready for the full mile fun run.
Saturday also featured a return trip to Best Buy to figure out why our "all in one" Kodak printer was more of an "only one," as in "only one ink cartridge works, and it's not the black." When we bought our computer a few years back, we had a spectacularly awful encounter with "Firedog," the tech support group of Circuit City, so I was pretty leery about my first go-round with the "Geek Squad." My fears were temporarily realized when the guy couldn't navigate the menu on the printer read out. He couldn't figure out why the touch screen wasn't scrolling. I had to gently remind him that this particular brand of printer did not have a touch screen and he would have to use the well labeled "down arrow." After that things went rather well, as they allowed us to take home a brand new printer despite not having a receipt. I was worried they were going to charge us a bunch of money to tinker with the thing before telling us it was defective and then make us pay the difference between the current price of the printer and what we bought it for (about an $80 difference, thanks to sales and rebates).
And what beautiful day would be complete without yardwork? My yardwork time has doubled in the past few weeks, and not because I'm putting more effort into my own yard. I'm now mowing my neighbors yard, after she saw us working in our yard one day and asked if we'd be willing to help her out. She's a little older and I'm pretty sure doesn't even own a mower, so I had no problem agreeing to do this, particularly because it might make it easier to sell our house if the neighbor's yard doesn't look like there might be a velociraptor hiding in the front yard. It was a little awkward when I went to mow it the first time and she came out and asked who I was. "I'm, the guy who you asked to mow your lawn 4 days ago," was what I was thinking, but "I'm your neighbor and I figured I'd mow your lawn since I was mowing mine" was what came out. Of course her grass is incredibly overgrown. To my lawnmower, mowing her yard has the same effect that smoking a pack of cigarettes has on the human body....it makes it stink and takes years off its life. If I stay on top of it now, hopefully that problem will be rectified. However, the side of her yard is lined by these giant rose bushes that are impossible to avoid while mowing, even if I employ the self-propulsion/walk alongside the mower while guiding it with one hand" technique.
I will resume the weight loss journal tomorrow, as I intend to run on my lunch break. Weather permitting of course.
Saturday was one of the most perfect days the man upstairs ever cooked up. Mid seventies, light breeze and no clouds. A perfect day for a 5k race! The Lebanon Strawberry Festival happens every first weekend in June, and Rachel has always wanted to go (show of support for the town she's been employed in for the past 7 years and all that). Circumstances have always been that we have been unable to go, but this year there were no conflicts, so I was signed up for a 5k with no real warning. Of course, the idea was that I should've been running all along and a 5k should be no big deal. To be honest, it wasn't that tough, kind of fun to run through town with both sides of the street filled with people cheering. Granted, they are there to see the parade and eat the "world's largest strawberry shortcake" presented by Mega Foods, but it's nice none the less. I wasn't surprised to hear how many people shouted hi to Rachel as we ran, but I was surprised to hear exclaimations of "It's Jonah!" as Rachel pushed him along in the jogger. I've lived in the mid-Willamette Valley for roughly 7 times longer than Jonah's been alive, and he is more well known than I am. A group of his daycare mates had some prime real estate curbside for the parade. I just checked my time for the race and we came in at a decent 33:08 (200th place!), or roughly 10 minute miles....the same pace I ran Hood to Coast in last summer. Probably could've cut a minute or two off the time, but we slowed down dramatically when Jonah wanted to run the last half mile or so, much to the delight of the ever-growing crowd. Jonah was very proud of the "finisher" ribbon he received, and kept urging us to "run more" after we crossed the finish line. Next year he might be ready for the full mile fun run.
Saturday also featured a return trip to Best Buy to figure out why our "all in one" Kodak printer was more of an "only one," as in "only one ink cartridge works, and it's not the black." When we bought our computer a few years back, we had a spectacularly awful encounter with "Firedog," the tech support group of Circuit City, so I was pretty leery about my first go-round with the "Geek Squad." My fears were temporarily realized when the guy couldn't navigate the menu on the printer read out. He couldn't figure out why the touch screen wasn't scrolling. I had to gently remind him that this particular brand of printer did not have a touch screen and he would have to use the well labeled "down arrow." After that things went rather well, as they allowed us to take home a brand new printer despite not having a receipt. I was worried they were going to charge us a bunch of money to tinker with the thing before telling us it was defective and then make us pay the difference between the current price of the printer and what we bought it for (about an $80 difference, thanks to sales and rebates).
And what beautiful day would be complete without yardwork? My yardwork time has doubled in the past few weeks, and not because I'm putting more effort into my own yard. I'm now mowing my neighbors yard, after she saw us working in our yard one day and asked if we'd be willing to help her out. She's a little older and I'm pretty sure doesn't even own a mower, so I had no problem agreeing to do this, particularly because it might make it easier to sell our house if the neighbor's yard doesn't look like there might be a velociraptor hiding in the front yard. It was a little awkward when I went to mow it the first time and she came out and asked who I was. "I'm, the guy who you asked to mow your lawn 4 days ago," was what I was thinking, but "I'm your neighbor and I figured I'd mow your lawn since I was mowing mine" was what came out. Of course her grass is incredibly overgrown. To my lawnmower, mowing her yard has the same effect that smoking a pack of cigarettes has on the human body....it makes it stink and takes years off its life. If I stay on top of it now, hopefully that problem will be rectified. However, the side of her yard is lined by these giant rose bushes that are impossible to avoid while mowing, even if I employ the self-propulsion/walk alongside the mower while guiding it with one hand" technique.
I will resume the weight loss journal tomorrow, as I intend to run on my lunch break. Weather permitting of course.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)