My wife is one of the most practical people ever to grace this planet. Our grocery store trips are based on what coupons come in the mail that week. She refuses to do any maintenance on the cars other than oil changes. She'll go to Kohl's or Target, see something she wants, then come home and think about it for two days. Then she'll buy it but won't take the tag off for another few days just to make sure she's happy with it. Then she'll probably return it because she saw something similar on sale for cheaper at Target. If we don't need it, we don't buy it. If we buy it and realize later on we don't need it, we don't keep it. We sell it on craigslist for a profit. We really couldn't be more opposite. She's a saver, I'm a spender. I'm impulsive, she's pragmatic. This is why I don't spend one dollar without running it by her first. One time I went out and bought a new HDMI cord for the TV. Guy at radio shack told me it was the one to get....cost me $90. When I heard the price, I whistled and said "well this is going to be fun to explain to my wife." The clerk says "Trust me, play a DVD without it, then plug this baby in, and she'll be sold." I said "Buddy, obviously you don't know my wife." By the time I got home, Rachel had already reviewed our checking account, saw what I spent and was already on the Wal Mart website finding a $30 cord that worked just as well.
So imagine my surprise when a few weeks ago I come home from work and Rachel says "I just saw an infomercial, we HAVE to buy this!" That's probably the least likely sentence to come out of Rachel's mouth, narrowly edging out "Have fun at the casino, just don't tell me what you lost because I don't want to know." I was then sent to the TV to scan channels for this infomercial. The infomercial? INSANITY. A sixty day exercise program designed to "get you in the best shape of your life." I'm watching this infomercial, as people in way better shape than I am are sweating profusely and making faces like they're giving birth to a twelve pound baby without the aid of anesthesia. Meanwhile, a voiceover guy is saying things like "IF YOU DON'T MIND WORKING OUT IN A POOL OF YOUR OWN SWEAT, THEN THIS IS THE WORKOUT FOR YOU." I watched the full 30 minute infomercial, and all I could think was "This looks like a lot of pushups and jumping."
Rachel in the meantime was ready go three rounds with a grizzly bear. "Doesn't that just look awesome? I'm so excited to push myself like that!" Actually no, honey, it does not look awesome. It looks painful. And it costs $120 plus shipping and handling. This was not the practical, pragmatic girl I married. This was a sweat-thirsty rabid badger hell bent on rocking washerboard style abs in sixty days.
I don't know how it works in other people's relationships, but when Rachel gets that look, I just go with it. We started scouring craigslist trying to find this 13 DVD festival of pain. I finally found a guy selling it for $80, was able to talk him down to $70 and even got him to bring it to us, so that was great. Last night, we opened it up and took the "baseline fitness test" which is basically a couple exercises you do to measure your current fitness levels, then do again every two weeks to track your progress.
Before the test comes on, there's a disclaimer that basically says "Look, we're not messing around. Talk to your doctor before starting this. If you're not in decent shape already, buy another fitness tape before starting this one. If at any time you feel dizzy, stop immediately. Seriously, you might die if you do this."
Then it was time fore the test. Shaun T. our host for this joyride, is one of those super in shape guys that probably owns one shirt that he wears to church. The rest of the time, he walks around shirtless. Every exercise is one minute of as many reps as you can do. We start by doing judo style kicks. After our one minute, we get about a minute off to record our numbers. I'm already dying. Rachel's writing down our counts and Shaun T. is saying "Tonya here just did 45, how many did you do?" I'm about to tell Rachel I did 25, when she says "I must've counted wrong. I got 58." She didn't count wrong. She's just a beast. This continues to go along with Rachel powering through every exercise and me thinking "Save a spot at the table for me God, I'll be there for dinner."
25 painful minutes later, we're all done. Shaun T's telling us to stand up and make large, slow circles with our arms to cool down. I'm lying in the prone position on the floor making carpet angels staring at the ceiling through eyes stinging with sweat. Rachel's laughing like some sort of evil genius who has finally gotten the best of the superhero. Then she says "I'm not sure I can do this with you....you sound like an elephant when you do pushups." Thanks honey. I really appreciate that. I try to say something along the lines of "because this workout uses your own body weight as resistance, you realize I'm doing over twice the work of your skinny ass, dear" but all that comes out of my mouth is "F you, I'm fat."
Anyways, if I don't die, there's no way I won't be in better shape by the end of these two months. My legs are more tired today than they are after an hour on the elliptical or a 4 mile run. Technically the program is supposed to be six straight days, with a day off on Sunday, so guess what? We're doing the damn fit test again tonight to get on track.
Oh joy.
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