So let's recap the last few weeks shall we? Ok we shall.
First my grandpa has complications from getting his pacemaker battery replaced and has to be re-hospitalized with congestive heart failure. Not exactly an easy thing for a 93 year old. A few days later, my other grandpa goes under the knife for some sort of back operation. Again, not an easy thing for someone in their mid-eighties. So both my grandpa's are in the hospital. Then I have a particularly rough time at the casino. Let's just say I didn't win anything. Then, I am involved in a fender bender in the parking lot. Really not my most favorite week. Oh, and then, because my mom and aunt are really concerned about my grandpa, Rachel and I had to stay the night at the grandparents house the other night just in case my grandpa fell out of bed or something. My grandma looked almost offended that we were there. Nobody wants anyone to think that they can't take care of themselves. So it was a little awkward, but when it was time to go to bed, it really got awkward. That's because my grandpa can't sleep in their bed because it's too low. So they slept in the guest bed, which is higher and therefore easier to get in and out of. Now on a scale of uncomofortableness, sleeping with your significant other in your grandparents bed ranks somewhere between seeing your cousin naked and having your boss mention to you that your fly is down.
Hopefully the two weeks of roughness are over, and my two weeks of coolness are about to start.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Go team insurance!
So I got a call from Hope Davis, Progressive Auto Claims Rep. She was very professional. I'm pretty sure she had the manual right in front of her and read it word for word. I seriously felt like I was on the stand at a big trial. She kept asking me to state my full name and spell the last name, things like that. I had to confirm that she had told me that the conversation was being recorded. My favorite question was this though - "Ok Andrew, now most importantly was anyone hurt in the accident?" I nudged an unoccupied parked truck! Probably not Hope's fault that she had to ask that, but damn.......I mean some things can obviously be left out of the Progressive Claims Manual in certain situations.
The good news though is that I won't have to pay anything out of pocket for the damage to their truck. I now understand why insurance is a good thing. My rates might go up a little, but hey, my dad pays it. I know, I know, some of you are saying "Andy, you're 26 years old, you should be paying for your own car insurance." Well, you're right. Right after the wedding, I'm planning on getting my own car. Once I have my own car, I'll get my own insurance. So there. I'm working towards independence from my parents. This is the last thing. Besides, most of us leech off our parents our whole lives......be it help with student loans, car payments, house payments, whatever. And it'll all be payed back....I'm going to have to pay for crap for my kids one day. That's how it's done in our family. Kids never pay for anything. My grandpa's 93 and he's still providing for my 55 year old dad. That's how we know we love each other.
Work's going well. Carla's gone this week, and so far it's been just Robyn and me. Amazingly, I think we've gotten more done than we usually get done with everyone there. Something wrong with that equation........
Well, I guess it's about that time....off to the daily grind!
The good news though is that I won't have to pay anything out of pocket for the damage to their truck. I now understand why insurance is a good thing. My rates might go up a little, but hey, my dad pays it. I know, I know, some of you are saying "Andy, you're 26 years old, you should be paying for your own car insurance." Well, you're right. Right after the wedding, I'm planning on getting my own car. Once I have my own car, I'll get my own insurance. So there. I'm working towards independence from my parents. This is the last thing. Besides, most of us leech off our parents our whole lives......be it help with student loans, car payments, house payments, whatever. And it'll all be payed back....I'm going to have to pay for crap for my kids one day. That's how it's done in our family. Kids never pay for anything. My grandpa's 93 and he's still providing for my 55 year old dad. That's how we know we love each other.
Work's going well. Carla's gone this week, and so far it's been just Robyn and me. Amazingly, I think we've gotten more done than we usually get done with everyone there. Something wrong with that equation........
Well, I guess it's about that time....off to the daily grind!
Friday, March 24, 2006
From UrbanDictionary.com:
1. janky
(adjective) inferior quality; held in low social regard; old and delapidated; refers almost exclusively to inanimate material objects, not to people
We tried to pick up on these girls waiting for the bus, but I was driving my sister's janky 1989 geo metro so we just got clowned instead.
That being said, this is a story about two of the jankiest girls I've ever met.
It started out as your typical beach trip. Except that at one point, all the under 21ers decided to head to meet up with my sister and her friends at another location. So those of us who were of age headed to the casino. Dave, JR and I made our way down to Chinook Winds to do a little gambling and hit the bar, where we undoubtedly would end up at a table by ourselves watching some drunk idiots make fools of themselves. Little did I know that we were about to be the drunk idiots.
Late in the night, right before the club closed for the night, we were getting our last drinks. Dave a jager and red bull, JR something probably with Hennessey, and me a Pepsi straight up. Well, this attractive girl walks right up next to JR to get a drink. So, JR does what any semi-drunk guy would do, he hits on her.
"Hey, your hair smells nice."
That's your line? Now I'm no Casanova myself, but "your hair smells nice?" Does that actually work?
In a word, yes.
Next thing I know, this girl is having this conversation with all of us. She complains that her friend went home early and she'd have to walk back to her hotel. So we offer her a ride. On the way to the car, she suddenly says "do you guys want to take a walk on the beach?"
What kind of psycho girl asks three guys (actually four, this 30 something from Idaho somehow thought some kinky stuff was going to go down and followed us.) to take her to the beach in the middle of the night. She's lucky we're upstanding good men.
So we're down on the beach, she's going on and on and just becoming less attractive by the second. At the beginning, I was down with it because I figured I had a one in three chance of hooking up with this girl. But the more she talked, the less interested I became. She dropped out of high school and got a GED. She smokes. She has a kid. She's a high class trailer skank, basically. So we finally convince her to let us take her home and I think that's the end of it. Ohhhh no.
She invites us up to her room to meet her friend. I don't remember who thought this was a good idea, but up we go. I can't imagine what the desk clerk thought when this drunk girl strolls through the lobby with three guys shuffling along behind her. Little did he know he hadn't seen the last of us.
We get up to her room, but before we go in, she says "we have to be kind of quiet, my cousin is kind of cranky. He sorta has a crush on me, and I keep shutting him down." What kind of Jerry Springer episode did we get ourselves into? Turns out he's like a distant cousin through a now defunct marriage or something, but still.
So we go in, and the bed is just a mess. In the middle of it is this girl with long curly blonde hair that looks like she might just be dead and a scrawny tattooed burnout dude. They look like they thought about having sex, but one or both passed out before it could happen.
So of course, girl #1 jumps on the bed and starts yelling. I guess being quiet went up in smoke about the time we opened the door. So girl #2 kind of groggily mumbles something, then CRAWLS ACROSS THE FLOOR TO HER PIPE! She just woke from a drunken stupor, and she goes and loads her pipe with a hit of weed. I'm way out of my element now. So we're just kind of hanging out and girl #1 says that girl #2's nickname is Barbie. I kind of laugh and go "Pothead Barbie....nice." Pothead Barbie shoots me a look of death, which quickly glazes over into indifference and laughter. JR's cracking up, and Dave just looks uncomfortable.
So while we're all talking, the tattoo'ed one keeps yelling for us to "shut the fuck up" every few minutes. Finally he's had enough and jumps out of bed like someone stabbed him and starts threatening to kick people's asses. JR, who almost seemed to anticipate this, jumps out of his chair and cuts this guy off before he can get three steps from the bed. That's when we realize this tattoo'ed yeller is only about 5'6 and 135 lbs. JR goes about 6'4 220. And, as if it couldn't get any better, the scrawny guy has the cadillac emblem tattoed on his stomach. This was rapidly turning into an episode of Cops.
So this guy sees that JR is about 3 times his size and gets much quieter. He's still angry, but subdued. Then out of nowhere, he decideds it would be a good idea to take on someone more his pace....me. Apparently I look like a pussy or someone easily intimidated, because this guy gets louder and starts coming after me. He gets about one step, and JR grabs the guy by the throat and slams him up against the wall. Literally the guys toes are barely on the ground and JR's just holding him there....amazing. I look around, and Dave's already out in the hall pressing the elevator button saying "c'mon guys let's go!" JR's still got this guy totally at his mercy and then he says calmly. "Look, I'm sorry we woke you up and I'm sorry for coming in to your hotel room. Normally I'd apologize and buy you a drink at the bar, but you're being a real dick right now." Hilarious.
So we leave, the girls apologizing over and over again as we get in the car. Thank God that night's over, right? No chance.
"Dude I lost my phone!"
JR is without cell phone. He asks me to call it to see if they picked it up at the bar. I call, and who should answer but girl #1! Great. JR left his phone in their hotel room. So we have to pull a U-Turn in the middle of Hwy 101 and head back to the Ashley Inn. Girl #1 and Pothead Barbie meet us in the parking lot. They keep apologizing, then they ask if they can get in the car because they don't want to go back up to the hotel room. Sure, why not? They want to go back to the beach. Now I grew up hearing Public Service Announcements telling me that the beach is dangerous at night and not to mess with it. The reason they don't say that you shouldn't go to the beach at night when you're drunk and high is that THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE TO! So you guessed it, Pothead Barbie gets cleaned out by a sneaker wave. She's completely soaked and JR and I had to wade out to our knees to retrieve her flip-flops. So we make it back to the car, only Dave doesn't want a wet pothead in his car. So she says, fine I'll take off my wet clothes, and proceeds to disrobe in the parking lot. JR smartly gives her his jacket, and we get back in the car. We make it back to the Ashley Inn, and here we come through the lobby again. Now there's two girls, one soaking wet and in her underwear and three guys shuffling along behind them. The look on the desk clerk's face was priceless.
Somehow, they convince us that they shouldn't stay at their hotel and they need to crash at our place. It's about 5 am and the sun's coming up by this point. So we get back to the house, and Dave says "who wants to go hunt for sand dollars?" Perfectly normal question if you know Dave. Girl #1 takes him up on it, and off they go to the beach, leaving me, JR and Pothead Barbie on the couch. About this time JR says, well I'm off to bed. Way to leave a man behind guys. So I sit on the couch with this stoner, and she is dozing off practically in my lap. So I try to ease my way off the couch and sneak off to get some sleep. I get about two steps from the couch and she says 'oh, we're going to bed?'
At this point I was too tired to argue. She follows me into the bedroom and we start making out. Then she starts tickling me. Anyone who has ever tickled me will tell you that I'm hyper-ticklish. She catches on to this and all of a sudden she's straddling me and holding my arms down. She says "so you're ticklish eh? well then I'm going to torture you all night." At this point, making out lost all its luster. I was just plain scared. She starts kissing my neck and I'm thinking I might become the first guy to be raped by a 5'2" weed fiend. Then............
She passes out! Right on top of me. So I roll her over to snore it off and just start laughing to myself. I laughed for a good minute probably.....until I realized that she wasn't breathing anymore. Now I'm scared. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to explain to my grandparents how a stoned, drunk girl died in their beach house while I was in bed with her. I'm just about to start pounding on her chest when she lets out one of the most horrible noises I've ever heard and rolls over and starts snoring again like nothing happened. I can't even explain this noise. I imagine it's the noise made right before all the snow gives way in an avalanche. Just this low rumbling throaty disgusting sound.
And that was the craziest night of my life. Bar None.
1. janky
(adjective) inferior quality; held in low social regard; old and delapidated; refers almost exclusively to inanimate material objects, not to people
We tried to pick up on these girls waiting for the bus, but I was driving my sister's janky 1989 geo metro so we just got clowned instead.
That being said, this is a story about two of the jankiest girls I've ever met.
It started out as your typical beach trip. Except that at one point, all the under 21ers decided to head to meet up with my sister and her friends at another location. So those of us who were of age headed to the casino. Dave, JR and I made our way down to Chinook Winds to do a little gambling and hit the bar, where we undoubtedly would end up at a table by ourselves watching some drunk idiots make fools of themselves. Little did I know that we were about to be the drunk idiots.
Late in the night, right before the club closed for the night, we were getting our last drinks. Dave a jager and red bull, JR something probably with Hennessey, and me a Pepsi straight up. Well, this attractive girl walks right up next to JR to get a drink. So, JR does what any semi-drunk guy would do, he hits on her.
"Hey, your hair smells nice."
That's your line? Now I'm no Casanova myself, but "your hair smells nice?" Does that actually work?
In a word, yes.
Next thing I know, this girl is having this conversation with all of us. She complains that her friend went home early and she'd have to walk back to her hotel. So we offer her a ride. On the way to the car, she suddenly says "do you guys want to take a walk on the beach?"
What kind of psycho girl asks three guys (actually four, this 30 something from Idaho somehow thought some kinky stuff was going to go down and followed us.) to take her to the beach in the middle of the night. She's lucky we're upstanding good men.
So we're down on the beach, she's going on and on and just becoming less attractive by the second. At the beginning, I was down with it because I figured I had a one in three chance of hooking up with this girl. But the more she talked, the less interested I became. She dropped out of high school and got a GED. She smokes. She has a kid. She's a high class trailer skank, basically. So we finally convince her to let us take her home and I think that's the end of it. Ohhhh no.
She invites us up to her room to meet her friend. I don't remember who thought this was a good idea, but up we go. I can't imagine what the desk clerk thought when this drunk girl strolls through the lobby with three guys shuffling along behind her. Little did he know he hadn't seen the last of us.
We get up to her room, but before we go in, she says "we have to be kind of quiet, my cousin is kind of cranky. He sorta has a crush on me, and I keep shutting him down." What kind of Jerry Springer episode did we get ourselves into? Turns out he's like a distant cousin through a now defunct marriage or something, but still.
So we go in, and the bed is just a mess. In the middle of it is this girl with long curly blonde hair that looks like she might just be dead and a scrawny tattooed burnout dude. They look like they thought about having sex, but one or both passed out before it could happen.
So of course, girl #1 jumps on the bed and starts yelling. I guess being quiet went up in smoke about the time we opened the door. So girl #2 kind of groggily mumbles something, then CRAWLS ACROSS THE FLOOR TO HER PIPE! She just woke from a drunken stupor, and she goes and loads her pipe with a hit of weed. I'm way out of my element now. So we're just kind of hanging out and girl #1 says that girl #2's nickname is Barbie. I kind of laugh and go "Pothead Barbie....nice." Pothead Barbie shoots me a look of death, which quickly glazes over into indifference and laughter. JR's cracking up, and Dave just looks uncomfortable.
So while we're all talking, the tattoo'ed one keeps yelling for us to "shut the fuck up" every few minutes. Finally he's had enough and jumps out of bed like someone stabbed him and starts threatening to kick people's asses. JR, who almost seemed to anticipate this, jumps out of his chair and cuts this guy off before he can get three steps from the bed. That's when we realize this tattoo'ed yeller is only about 5'6 and 135 lbs. JR goes about 6'4 220. And, as if it couldn't get any better, the scrawny guy has the cadillac emblem tattoed on his stomach. This was rapidly turning into an episode of Cops.
So this guy sees that JR is about 3 times his size and gets much quieter. He's still angry, but subdued. Then out of nowhere, he decideds it would be a good idea to take on someone more his pace....me. Apparently I look like a pussy or someone easily intimidated, because this guy gets louder and starts coming after me. He gets about one step, and JR grabs the guy by the throat and slams him up against the wall. Literally the guys toes are barely on the ground and JR's just holding him there....amazing. I look around, and Dave's already out in the hall pressing the elevator button saying "c'mon guys let's go!" JR's still got this guy totally at his mercy and then he says calmly. "Look, I'm sorry we woke you up and I'm sorry for coming in to your hotel room. Normally I'd apologize and buy you a drink at the bar, but you're being a real dick right now." Hilarious.
So we leave, the girls apologizing over and over again as we get in the car. Thank God that night's over, right? No chance.
"Dude I lost my phone!"
JR is without cell phone. He asks me to call it to see if they picked it up at the bar. I call, and who should answer but girl #1! Great. JR left his phone in their hotel room. So we have to pull a U-Turn in the middle of Hwy 101 and head back to the Ashley Inn. Girl #1 and Pothead Barbie meet us in the parking lot. They keep apologizing, then they ask if they can get in the car because they don't want to go back up to the hotel room. Sure, why not? They want to go back to the beach. Now I grew up hearing Public Service Announcements telling me that the beach is dangerous at night and not to mess with it. The reason they don't say that you shouldn't go to the beach at night when you're drunk and high is that THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE TO! So you guessed it, Pothead Barbie gets cleaned out by a sneaker wave. She's completely soaked and JR and I had to wade out to our knees to retrieve her flip-flops. So we make it back to the car, only Dave doesn't want a wet pothead in his car. So she says, fine I'll take off my wet clothes, and proceeds to disrobe in the parking lot. JR smartly gives her his jacket, and we get back in the car. We make it back to the Ashley Inn, and here we come through the lobby again. Now there's two girls, one soaking wet and in her underwear and three guys shuffling along behind them. The look on the desk clerk's face was priceless.
Somehow, they convince us that they shouldn't stay at their hotel and they need to crash at our place. It's about 5 am and the sun's coming up by this point. So we get back to the house, and Dave says "who wants to go hunt for sand dollars?" Perfectly normal question if you know Dave. Girl #1 takes him up on it, and off they go to the beach, leaving me, JR and Pothead Barbie on the couch. About this time JR says, well I'm off to bed. Way to leave a man behind guys. So I sit on the couch with this stoner, and she is dozing off practically in my lap. So I try to ease my way off the couch and sneak off to get some sleep. I get about two steps from the couch and she says 'oh, we're going to bed?'
At this point I was too tired to argue. She follows me into the bedroom and we start making out. Then she starts tickling me. Anyone who has ever tickled me will tell you that I'm hyper-ticklish. She catches on to this and all of a sudden she's straddling me and holding my arms down. She says "so you're ticklish eh? well then I'm going to torture you all night." At this point, making out lost all its luster. I was just plain scared. She starts kissing my neck and I'm thinking I might become the first guy to be raped by a 5'2" weed fiend. Then............
She passes out! Right on top of me. So I roll her over to snore it off and just start laughing to myself. I laughed for a good minute probably.....until I realized that she wasn't breathing anymore. Now I'm scared. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to explain to my grandparents how a stoned, drunk girl died in their beach house while I was in bed with her. I'm just about to start pounding on her chest when she lets out one of the most horrible noises I've ever heard and rolls over and starts snoring again like nothing happened. I can't even explain this noise. I imagine it's the noise made right before all the snow gives way in an avalanche. Just this low rumbling throaty disgusting sound.
And that was the craziest night of my life. Bar None.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
The moron and the idiot
This story is about two OSU football players who shall remain nameless. They came to the beach with us one time. Everything was going well, until we decided to head to the casino. Along the way, football player number one says "hey pull into this convenience store, I want to get something to eat." So I do. I wait in the car while he goes in to grab some munchies. Well, I can see him in the window hovering over the beef jerky. Next thing I know he pulls out just a fistfull of jerky and jams it in his mouth while the clerk isn't looking. He does this a few times before going to the counter and buying one piece of jerky! It wasn't like he was starving and couldn't afford to eat. This was just pure "I want to see if I can get away with it."
On to football player #2. Later that same night, one of the guys with us got into an argument with the girl he was with and I had to drive them back to the house. Since we only had one gate key, I found another guy we were with and told him to give me a call when they were on their way back and I'd let them in. Well no call came. Around 1:30 am, I hear the door open and Football player #2 rumbling around downstairs. I go downstairs and I'm like "how did you get in?" to which he replies "Oh I just lifted up the gate." He literally manually opened the security gate at the neighborhood entrance! Well, he is about to hop back into the car and go pick up the rest of our crew, so I say "hey do you want the key to get back in again?" to which he replies "Nah, I'll just lift the gate up again."
On to football player #2. Later that same night, one of the guys with us got into an argument with the girl he was with and I had to drive them back to the house. Since we only had one gate key, I found another guy we were with and told him to give me a call when they were on their way back and I'd let them in. Well no call came. Around 1:30 am, I hear the door open and Football player #2 rumbling around downstairs. I go downstairs and I'm like "how did you get in?" to which he replies "Oh I just lifted up the gate." He literally manually opened the security gate at the neighborhood entrance! Well, he is about to hop back into the car and go pick up the rest of our crew, so I say "hey do you want the key to get back in again?" to which he replies "Nah, I'll just lift the gate up again."
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Beach trip story #3
Steve, JR, Joel, Grant and I are enjoying a relaxing weekend at the beach. Keep in mind that we were all single and a little bit irritable about that fact. It's about the laziest Saturday of all time. JR and Grant are playing Madden on the Xbox, I'm watching TV with Joel, and Steve decides to pick up a copy of National Geographic and read. He goes into the bedroom to read where there's less noise. When he comes out, JR makes some comment like "dude, you have a little spank-fest in there by yourself?" To which Steve replies "actually I was doing a little thing called reading. You should try it sometime." JR gets irrationally angry and makes some comment similar to "don't get bullish with me, I'll drop your ass with one punch." Steve, still thinking this is witty banter, nonchalantly flips open another magazine and says "ok dude, step up when you're ready."
All of a sudden, JR is flying across the room and shoves poor Steve straight over the back of the chair. At this point everyone's kind of in shock. Steve says something like "What the fuck?" and we're still not sure if we should laugh or fit JR for a straight jacket. JR's still got that "I've killed before, I'll kill again" look in his eyes, and I said something like "JR, you know he was joking right? Nobody wants to fight over a magazine." JR suddenly cools off, and says "I'm sorry, but where I come from, when somebody says 'Step up,' that means it's time to throw down." Joel gets this puzzled look on his face and goes "where exactly are you from? We all grew up in the same neighborhood and I knew Steve was joking." JR claims Sac-Town, his home til he was all of a year and a half old. This gets everyone laughing, and to this day, we still use "Step Up" anytime we're joking about anything.
I know this story makes JR look like an ass, and I apologize to him or anyone else that reads it. He's not a bad guy at all. I promise the next story will cast him in a much different light.
All of a sudden, JR is flying across the room and shoves poor Steve straight over the back of the chair. At this point everyone's kind of in shock. Steve says something like "What the fuck?" and we're still not sure if we should laugh or fit JR for a straight jacket. JR's still got that "I've killed before, I'll kill again" look in his eyes, and I said something like "JR, you know he was joking right? Nobody wants to fight over a magazine." JR suddenly cools off, and says "I'm sorry, but where I come from, when somebody says 'Step up,' that means it's time to throw down." Joel gets this puzzled look on his face and goes "where exactly are you from? We all grew up in the same neighborhood and I knew Steve was joking." JR claims Sac-Town, his home til he was all of a year and a half old. This gets everyone laughing, and to this day, we still use "Step Up" anytime we're joking about anything.
I know this story makes JR look like an ass, and I apologize to him or anyone else that reads it. He's not a bad guy at all. I promise the next story will cast him in a much different light.
No amount of gin in the World
So about my sophomore year of college (the second one), we made a trip to the beach with a bunch of people from the dorms. There was probably 8 or 10 of us, including my friend Tommy who was in town visiting from Duke University. So we're all hanging out, drinking, having a good time. It was getting pretty late, and one by one people are starting to crap out and head to the bedrooms. Tommy, Joel and I had graciously volunteered to sleep on the floors to allow the girls to take the beds.
Well, Joel and Tommy had been having a conversation all night about which girl was better looking. Joel had a crush on Cydney that had been going on for a few weeks, and Tommy was instantly smitten with this girl Lizzy that none of us had ever met before. She had come with one of the other girls. Anyways, by this time, Tommy was pretty sauced and as we all snuck into a bedroom with the lights off to pass out on the floor, he decided to let his opinion be known one more time.
"I'm sorry Joel, but I don't see how you can think Cydney is better looking than Lizzy. There's no way! In the looks department, Lizzy kicks Cydney's ass!"
At this point we here some rustling in the bed, followed by some stomping and a slamming door. It appears that there was already someone in that room sleeping in the bed. And it just so happened to be Cydney. Now I thought this was pretty hilarious. Tommy was embarassed, and Joel was kind of pissed because this probably wasn't going to help his chances of hooking up with Cydney on the trip.
While we're sitting there trying to figure out what to do next, Cydney is telling the other girls what happened. At this point we hear Lizzy rather loudly go "Gross! No amount of gin in the world would make me hook up with Tommy!"
Well, Joel and Tommy had been having a conversation all night about which girl was better looking. Joel had a crush on Cydney that had been going on for a few weeks, and Tommy was instantly smitten with this girl Lizzy that none of us had ever met before. She had come with one of the other girls. Anyways, by this time, Tommy was pretty sauced and as we all snuck into a bedroom with the lights off to pass out on the floor, he decided to let his opinion be known one more time.
"I'm sorry Joel, but I don't see how you can think Cydney is better looking than Lizzy. There's no way! In the looks department, Lizzy kicks Cydney's ass!"
At this point we here some rustling in the bed, followed by some stomping and a slamming door. It appears that there was already someone in that room sleeping in the bed. And it just so happened to be Cydney. Now I thought this was pretty hilarious. Tommy was embarassed, and Joel was kind of pissed because this probably wasn't going to help his chances of hooking up with Cydney on the trip.
While we're sitting there trying to figure out what to do next, Cydney is telling the other girls what happened. At this point we hear Lizzy rather loudly go "Gross! No amount of gin in the world would make me hook up with Tommy!"
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Get a rope!
So like I said, I'm going to be writing about some of the better beach trip tales this week. This one is a great one to start off. I think this was about the time I was a senior in high school, maybe just into college.
Jr, Joel, Grant and I were at the beach house. Joel and I are in the living room watching tv, JR and Grant were playing some catch out in the street. All of a sudden they both come running in with these excited looks on their faces.
"You guys aren't going to believe this! There's a couple hot girls staying in the house next door! They just pulled up!"
Now, this was big news. The house next door is hardly ever occupied, much less by attractive girls our age. So we did what any group of guys would do in that situation - we hatched a plan to lure the girls over to our house.
Keep in mind we were idiots, and our plan was not well thought out. The final plan turned out to be JR and Grant taking showers, donning their best sweater vests and cologne, and taking the dog for a walk. "Duke can get any girl....he's the secret weapon!" JR's collie is a good looking dog, and yes girls do like him. We were about to find out just how much of a pimp this collie was.
So Grant and JR head out the door. Joel and I sat around waiting to see the results of the "plan." About 5 minutes later, JR and Grant come back in with disgusted looks on their faces. JR slams the door and says "Fuck Duke, we're hanging him!" Apparently, the plan had evolved into letting Duke loose and then knocking on the door to ask if the girls had seen the dog, or if they'd mind helping look. Once off the leash however, Duke had found a nice spot on the girl's front porch to pop a squat and take a nice big doggy doo. Perhaps Duke had a sense about these girls and saved us from disaster. Perhaps he realized that sweater vests were on the way out and was trying to save his owner some embarrasment. Whatever the case, it was a story that will forever make me laugh.
Jr, Joel, Grant and I were at the beach house. Joel and I are in the living room watching tv, JR and Grant were playing some catch out in the street. All of a sudden they both come running in with these excited looks on their faces.
"You guys aren't going to believe this! There's a couple hot girls staying in the house next door! They just pulled up!"
Now, this was big news. The house next door is hardly ever occupied, much less by attractive girls our age. So we did what any group of guys would do in that situation - we hatched a plan to lure the girls over to our house.
Keep in mind we were idiots, and our plan was not well thought out. The final plan turned out to be JR and Grant taking showers, donning their best sweater vests and cologne, and taking the dog for a walk. "Duke can get any girl....he's the secret weapon!" JR's collie is a good looking dog, and yes girls do like him. We were about to find out just how much of a pimp this collie was.
So Grant and JR head out the door. Joel and I sat around waiting to see the results of the "plan." About 5 minutes later, JR and Grant come back in with disgusted looks on their faces. JR slams the door and says "Fuck Duke, we're hanging him!" Apparently, the plan had evolved into letting Duke loose and then knocking on the door to ask if the girls had seen the dog, or if they'd mind helping look. Once off the leash however, Duke had found a nice spot on the girl's front porch to pop a squat and take a nice big doggy doo. Perhaps Duke had a sense about these girls and saved us from disaster. Perhaps he realized that sweater vests were on the way out and was trying to save his owner some embarrasment. Whatever the case, it was a story that will forever make me laugh.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Say Something!
So last night I had a dream that I was hanging out at the park with JR and Joel, when all of a sudden terrorists bombed Portland. It was nuts. Absolute chaos, bomb sirens, surface to air missiles....the works. Very scary. The dream took a turn for the weird when I had to board a little boat with Captain Jack Sparrow who successfully outmanuvered the big terrorist warship and led us to safety.
The NCAA Tournament starts today. Sadly my office is full of women who could care less. There's probably 4 or 5 people in the building that actually care. So I probably work at the only office in the US that doesn't have an office pool on the tourney. So today I'll be working/watching game-trackers online. should be good times. Go Illinois!
The NCAA Tournament starts today. Sadly my office is full of women who could care less. There's probably 4 or 5 people in the building that actually care. So I probably work at the only office in the US that doesn't have an office pool on the tourney. So today I'll be working/watching game-trackers online. should be good times. Go Illinois!
Thursday, March 9, 2006
Blizzard!
When Rachel woke me up this morning and told me it was snowing, I thought she was fucking with me. But we've got a bonafide blizzard going on out there. It's definitely looking like a possibility that we'll open late today. That would be just fabulous. If they closed, that'd be even better, though I don't see that in cards. I haven't seen it snow like this in a long tmie. It's really coming down out there. Sadly, it'll all be gone by about 10. One thing I know for sure though....my co-worker won't be in on time.
The overall talent on American Idol just isn't there this year. But I'm more into this season for one reason and one reason only....Kellie Pickler. There has never been a tv personality like her. I don't care if she wins or not, that girl needs her own reality show. I was so excited when I remembered that I taped her now famous "I had a SAL-mon!" exchange with Ryan Seacrest. Awesome. I don't know how you couldn't want to be that girls friend.
Playing basketball, I can tell I'm getting in better shape. I move much faster, and my legs stay with me for more than two games. Sadly, my knees feel 20 years older than they did two months ago, and I can't jump to save my ass. It's a crappy feeling when you go to jump to get a rebound and you barely can slip a quarter under your heels.
Happy Birthday to my buddy Steve, and also to my uno buddy Robyn.
The overall talent on American Idol just isn't there this year. But I'm more into this season for one reason and one reason only....Kellie Pickler. There has never been a tv personality like her. I don't care if she wins or not, that girl needs her own reality show. I was so excited when I remembered that I taped her now famous "I had a SAL-mon!" exchange with Ryan Seacrest. Awesome. I don't know how you couldn't want to be that girls friend.
Playing basketball, I can tell I'm getting in better shape. I move much faster, and my legs stay with me for more than two games. Sadly, my knees feel 20 years older than they did two months ago, and I can't jump to save my ass. It's a crappy feeling when you go to jump to get a rebound and you barely can slip a quarter under your heels.
Happy Birthday to my buddy Steve, and also to my uno buddy Robyn.
Tuesday, March 7, 2006
Gettin' it
So this weekend was a busy time. OSU beat the Ducks on a very, very, very lucky tip. At this point however, the team will take a win any way they can. Good to see the place full, good to see the team win. Dad, Grandpa, and Grant came down for the game, and we BBQ'ed and had a good ol' time. Lately in surveys and things like that, I've said that pizza was my favorite food. It's not. It's a good burger. I swear to god there's nothing better than a juicy cheeseburger.
Sunday we went to my little cousin carrie's birthday party. Apparently Strawberry Shortcake is making a comeback, because she had Strawberry EVERYTHING. It was amazing. I can't wait til my kid has some obsession and we have to get matching bedsheets, toothbrushes, lunchboxes, clothing, shoes, etc. Especially if I hate the fad of the moment. That'll be awesome.
Sunday night we had our first wedding preparation class. We just go meet with this couple from the parish and do all these bonding exercises. It turned out to be not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. Sure, we did things like draw our childhood home and talk about what rooms had special significance to us and then draw our family tree, indicating strong and weak relationships and things like that, but the couple we meet with is pretty interesting, and they seem genuinely interested in seeing Rachel and me succeed in our marriage. The lady actually was one of the last people to immigrate to the united states through Ellis Island as a child. That's pretty interesting to me. Unfortunately we're there to talk about us, not them, so we didn't get to hear too much about that.
Yesterday I went to Rite-aid at lunch to get some blister pads for my toe. I managed to rip off nearly all the skin on my big toe playing basketball, and so it kinda hurts. Anyways, on the way out of the store, I noticed a stress level tester by the door. Since I had a quarter in my pocket, I figured "what the hell?" So I pop my quarter in, and next thing I know, there's this extremely loud, prolonged beep that sounds like an alarm. It was ridiculous.......basically it drew everyone's attention to the fool in the corner testing his stress on a cheap ass machine for a quarter. Now, I'm not a guy who is very stressed, but I'm sure that loud noises and feelings of embarassment raise your stress levels. Good to have a machine that actually raises your stress rather than simply testing it. Guess you get what you pay for though. That means I'm boycotting Rite Aid for a month. I'm now up to three Corvallis establishments that are being boycotted currently. Arby's for not carrying the 5 for $5.95 deal, Carmike Cinemas for making me wait 10 minutes before telling me they don't have any gift certificates, and now Rite Aid. All bans last one month before reinstatement.
If anyone can tell me when MTV is going to run "True Life: I'm the Kiefer Kia girl" please let me know. I really want to see that show.
Sunday we went to my little cousin carrie's birthday party. Apparently Strawberry Shortcake is making a comeback, because she had Strawberry EVERYTHING. It was amazing. I can't wait til my kid has some obsession and we have to get matching bedsheets, toothbrushes, lunchboxes, clothing, shoes, etc. Especially if I hate the fad of the moment. That'll be awesome.
Sunday night we had our first wedding preparation class. We just go meet with this couple from the parish and do all these bonding exercises. It turned out to be not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. Sure, we did things like draw our childhood home and talk about what rooms had special significance to us and then draw our family tree, indicating strong and weak relationships and things like that, but the couple we meet with is pretty interesting, and they seem genuinely interested in seeing Rachel and me succeed in our marriage. The lady actually was one of the last people to immigrate to the united states through Ellis Island as a child. That's pretty interesting to me. Unfortunately we're there to talk about us, not them, so we didn't get to hear too much about that.
Yesterday I went to Rite-aid at lunch to get some blister pads for my toe. I managed to rip off nearly all the skin on my big toe playing basketball, and so it kinda hurts. Anyways, on the way out of the store, I noticed a stress level tester by the door. Since I had a quarter in my pocket, I figured "what the hell?" So I pop my quarter in, and next thing I know, there's this extremely loud, prolonged beep that sounds like an alarm. It was ridiculous.......basically it drew everyone's attention to the fool in the corner testing his stress on a cheap ass machine for a quarter. Now, I'm not a guy who is very stressed, but I'm sure that loud noises and feelings of embarassment raise your stress levels. Good to have a machine that actually raises your stress rather than simply testing it. Guess you get what you pay for though. That means I'm boycotting Rite Aid for a month. I'm now up to three Corvallis establishments that are being boycotted currently. Arby's for not carrying the 5 for $5.95 deal, Carmike Cinemas for making me wait 10 minutes before telling me they don't have any gift certificates, and now Rite Aid. All bans last one month before reinstatement.
If anyone can tell me when MTV is going to run "True Life: I'm the Kiefer Kia girl" please let me know. I really want to see that show.
Wednesday, March 1, 2006
Office reality?
I probably say this once every few months or so, but god bless rap music. Where else can you get such fantastic lyrics as "if I ain't got a weapon I'm gonna pick up a rock?"
I also know that many of the lyrics are misogynistic and demeaning and just plain crude.....but when you're on 99-W and there's nothing but fields to look at, nothing passes the time faster than bobbing your head to a phat Dre beat.
Don came up with a brilliant idea the other day....start a reality show called "Lunch Room." The premise of the show is to get all the gossipy ladies at the office (you know your office/school/etc. has a group of ladies that just like to talk about anything) and just film the lunch hour. There's absolutely no way that you wouldn't have enough content to fill a half hour show once a week.
And every office has at least one of the following characters:
The hypochondriac - This person constantly has some obscure illness/ailment/disease. They have no problem telling you about their low blood sugar, wandering spleen, UTI, etc. NEVER EVER ask this person how they are doing. You'll be listening to a laundry list of doctor's appointments and diagnoses for the next half hour.
The proud mom - This one you have to watch out for. You'll feel like part of the family by the end of the first week. Every second of dead air is filled with "my son Tyler did this," or "Jasmine's so cute, listen to what she did." This is ok if your kid is 5 or younger, but when little Jasmine is 16, we don't want to hear about her paper on western economics or how you caught her making out with her boyfriend. The other thing is that they always say "Tyler, my son......" before starting the story. OF COURSE HE'S YOUR SON! We've only heard about him every day since he started kindergarten.
The Political - This person may be the scariest of them all. Be they Republican, Democrat or whatever, they don't give a crap about your opinions. They just want to make sure you know theirs. These are the people who say we should just bomb the hell out of South Korea before they get us or say they're "this close" to moving to Canada, yet they never do. If you try to offer an opposing viewpoint, get ready to rumble.
The One-Upper - Perhaps the most annoying person in the Lunch Room. This person will never offer up the first story of the lunch hour, but offers up a similar story of more grandiose proportions as soon as you finish your story. For example, if you told a story about how your son just muttered his first word, the One-Upper will be ready with a more detailed, cuter story about how they kept saying "can you say daddy?" to which the kid replied "Kitty!" or something. You saw someone drive off from the gas station without putting their gas cap back on? Big deal. One-Upper saw someone pull out with the hose still in their tank.
Ah yes, people would be talking about the Lunch Room. And you know where'd they would talk about it? In their own lunch rooms. The show is an instant water cooler winner.
I also know that many of the lyrics are misogynistic and demeaning and just plain crude.....but when you're on 99-W and there's nothing but fields to look at, nothing passes the time faster than bobbing your head to a phat Dre beat.
Don came up with a brilliant idea the other day....start a reality show called "Lunch Room." The premise of the show is to get all the gossipy ladies at the office (you know your office/school/etc. has a group of ladies that just like to talk about anything) and just film the lunch hour. There's absolutely no way that you wouldn't have enough content to fill a half hour show once a week.
And every office has at least one of the following characters:
The hypochondriac - This person constantly has some obscure illness/ailment/disease. They have no problem telling you about their low blood sugar, wandering spleen, UTI, etc. NEVER EVER ask this person how they are doing. You'll be listening to a laundry list of doctor's appointments and diagnoses for the next half hour.
The proud mom - This one you have to watch out for. You'll feel like part of the family by the end of the first week. Every second of dead air is filled with "my son Tyler did this," or "Jasmine's so cute, listen to what she did." This is ok if your kid is 5 or younger, but when little Jasmine is 16, we don't want to hear about her paper on western economics or how you caught her making out with her boyfriend. The other thing is that they always say "Tyler, my son......" before starting the story. OF COURSE HE'S YOUR SON! We've only heard about him every day since he started kindergarten.
The Political - This person may be the scariest of them all. Be they Republican, Democrat or whatever, they don't give a crap about your opinions. They just want to make sure you know theirs. These are the people who say we should just bomb the hell out of South Korea before they get us or say they're "this close" to moving to Canada, yet they never do. If you try to offer an opposing viewpoint, get ready to rumble.
The One-Upper - Perhaps the most annoying person in the Lunch Room. This person will never offer up the first story of the lunch hour, but offers up a similar story of more grandiose proportions as soon as you finish your story. For example, if you told a story about how your son just muttered his first word, the One-Upper will be ready with a more detailed, cuter story about how they kept saying "can you say daddy?" to which the kid replied "Kitty!" or something. You saw someone drive off from the gas station without putting their gas cap back on? Big deal. One-Upper saw someone pull out with the hose still in their tank.
Ah yes, people would be talking about the Lunch Room. And you know where'd they would talk about it? In their own lunch rooms. The show is an instant water cooler winner.
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