Bachelorette 2019 Week One: Release the Beast

Remember when you were a kid, and that first day of summer vacation started? The excitement, the feeling that anything was possible, that you were definitely going to have the BEST. TIME. EVER.

Then reality hits and it's just hot as balls and you're mostly spending your time by yourself on the couch playing the same video games you played after school the week before and the only thing you know how to cook is boiling hot dogs in water so every lunch is exactly the same and about the time you hit the first of August, you find yourself thinking "damn, I kinda want summer to be over so I can go back to school."

That's me with this franchise. Every season, I'm thinking it's going to be amazing, then it ends up being largely the same as every other season, and about halfway through I'm looking forward to something else.

But hey, this year, we've got Hannah Beast! She's different right? I have my doubts that she's good for TV different, but we'll see.

The episode starts with a preview montage of the season. Some dude says "Hannah is about as real as it gets. She's not an actress, she's not a movie star...she's just a real girl looking for love." A real girl....that was MISS FREAKING ALABAMA USA. As unreal as it gets. I only know one other Miss Alabama USA, and guess what...she's not a real girl looking for love either. She's married to a former Heisman Trophy runner up and was the target of Brent Musberger's affection during the 2013 College Football National Championship Game.

So no...Miss Alabama USA is not "a real girl." It's like calling Damian Lillard "just a guy who plays basketball." From there we get Hannah asserting that these guys "know nothing about her," which backs up my claim that these douchenozzles think she is "just a real girl looking for love."

Then we get the recap of Hannah's journey from doofus who couldn't make a toast to Bachelorette. We get her talking to a group of six year old ballerinas telling them to always be a part of something that makes them happy.....because there's lots of six year olds out there that need that message. Think it would've hit harder with a group of 14 year olds in 4H or band or something, but whatever. She gives the self-deprecating "I'm a lot to handle, so it's gonna take a real man to handle me" speech as she cavorts on the beach in a bikini. Let's get to the guys, because that's the real interesting part of this show.

Nope..first we get Demi and Katie...also known as America's first two choices for Bachelorette. They have a real minor cameo, and we start with Tyler the dancing contractor. He likes riding on boats with his dog.

Next up is Peter the pilot. He is spontaneous and wants to get lunch in New Orleans.

Mike the Air Force Portfolio Manager is next. His great grandma is awesome. She reminds me of Mama Odie from The Princess and the Frog.

Joe the Box King is like the most Chicago man ever. He's basically Abe Froman in a different profession.

Matt Donald, the scarf wearing able eared farmer from a deaf family seems like a lot to handle.

Connor the baby faced car saleseman is like a Moderately Rich Asian.

Meathead Luke lets us know that he smashed a lot of women in college, but it didn't fulfill him. Thankfully he met God in the shower. This guy needs his own show. I'm fascinated by him.

ABC smartly shuts down the vignettes then, because you can't top that guy.

Here come the limos! Golf Pro Garrett is from Alabama as well, and wants to be her "Hole in One." Meh.

Air Force Mike gives her five words that start with C and then asks if she "got all that." Mama Odie would not be happy.

Jed from Nashville says his family told him to shine inside and outside, but he looks like he just crapped inside his pants he's so nervous. Jed's got some work to do.

Tyler the Dancing Contractor tells Hannah he had to fly all the way from Florida just to meet her and that he's "Got something in store" for her inside. I hate Tyler.

Dylan looks like an extra in a James Bond movie, but lacks all of 007's charisma.

Tall Connor from Texas jumps a fence, because we've gotta do that all the time now.

Devin is a talent manager. His ice breaker is to joke that he's a virgin. Devin sucks.

Jon Paul Jones is basically a poor man's MacGyver (the new one, not the good one), but with terrible interpersonal skills.

Nevermind, Math Teacher Brian has terrible interpersonal skills. Laughs uncontrollably.

Nevermind, Software Sales Scott has the WORST interpersonal skills. He might pass out if he stops talking.

Matteo fakes like he's nervous, but he seems like he knows what he's doing.

Daron walks the wrong way.

Creepy Eyed Tyler is uncomfortable to look at.

Tyler the former pro basketball player says this tops playing hoops internationally. Smooth.

Matt is a car bid spotter. He works in the same town as Moderately Rich Asian Connor. I hope they know each other.

A forklift brings a giant box. Hannah says "What's this? It's a big package....heyyyyyyyy!" She's adorable, I don't care what you think. Unfortunately inside the box is Joe, who apparently can only speak in box/package/container jokes. Joe sucks.

Joey brings a bottle of wine in a baby carrier. I don't get it.

Moderately Rich Asian Connor speaks French.

Ryan is on rollerblades and says "Roll Tide." Hunter the pro surfer wants help with his tie so they can "tie the knot." Unemployed Grant makes a sausage party joke filled with condiment puns. one dude brings a pizza. Shower Angel Luke was apparently on the After the Final Rose episode, but I've already forgotten him. I don't remember any of the guys from After the Final Rose...oh wait...the rapping guy. Hip Hop Cam has been in the lab y'all....he drops a Nick Saban reference in tonight's freestyle.

Matt Donald shows up on a tractor and sings a dorky version of "Old MacDonald." Props to the guys already in the house peeking around the corner getting all excited for the new guys ice breakers.

A couple of pilots show up - Peter and Chasen. That should be fun, as they both lost their perceived trump card.....side note...100 years from now, will Trump be a word that nobody can use anymore because of its negative connotations? Like how people can't say "call a spade a spade" anymore?

Back at the house, Hannah is praying to God to give her words to make her feel worthy and smart. Not a good start. She gives a decent speech about how she's not perfect and she's not expecting them to be...she just wants real.

Luke comes on strong and talks constantly. The next guy...I think Air Force Mike...lets her do most of the talking. I like his strategy better. Moderately Rich Asian plays minute to win it games at a dorky "Bachelorette Party" he puts together for her. I'm not sure that screams husband material, but maybe it's what Hannah likes. Another guy says he thinks Hannah just wants honesty...maybe because she said exactly that ten minutes ago.

Oh good, Katie and Demi are back in a surveillance van! This could be a great feature of the show...just have past cast members in a van drinking champagne and making snarky comments...or maybe just let me do it. That's like my dream job. Demi says someone reached out to her on social media to let her know that one of the guys had a girlfriend.....because that makes total sense to alert Demi to this potential problem.

Socially awkward Scott is apparently our dude with a secret girlfriend. I wonder what the benefit is to Scott to be the sacrificial lamb to get chewed out and dogged on national television to show the other guys that this is serious and she's not here to play games. Scott is basically a prop. How is this appearance beneficial to Scott in any way? Scott actually says "Was I dating girl up until Monday? Yes. Was she someone that I wanted to marry long term? No." So short term marriage then?

Scott tries to argue that she was just dating Colton, so it's basically the same thing....and he's gone. She walks him through the room with all the other men and basically commands him to follow her like a puppy. This was a little over the top, honestly. I think we could've done something a little more subtle to get the point across that Hannah needed guys to be open an honest with her.

Then we get a montage of guys assuring Hannah that they're so excited to be there for her. I'll guess a few of them will be proven to not be by the end of this. Shower Angel Luke gets the first impression rose, and I have no idea what to think anymore. Clearly Hannah and I are not compatible.

Other guys are sweating their incompatibility. But of course....they blame SCOTT.  Like when in college your buddy says he was "just about to seal the deal" with some girl, but then the cops showed up, or some other act of God intervened.


 Air Force Mike, Tall Connor, Matthew the Car Bid Spotter, Moderately Rich Asian Connor, Singin' Jed, Dustin (who looks like a chubby bearded Russell Wilson), Joey,  Devin the non-virgin, Pilot Pete, Dorky 007 Dylan, Matteo, Pizza Server Jonathan, one of the Tylers, the other Tyler with the creepy eyes, Daron, other Luke, Golf Pro Garrett, Unemployed Grant, Kevin, and Poor Man's MacGyver join Rappin' Cam in the winners circle.

Not sure I have a favorite, but I'm glad Shower Angel Luke is sticking around. He's got the most potential for absurd moments going forward!

Bachelor 29, Week....WHO CARES HE JUMPED THE FENCE!

Colton's in Portugal! He's here to get down to business, as he shows up with his duffel bag and heads straight to his hotel room. Totally reminded me of that love kit that Kenny "Special K" Fisher toted around with him in Can't Hardly Wait.

Tayshia is up first. She's gonna get first crack at taking his V-card. They start with a helicopter ride to have a picnic on a rock overlooking the ocean. The nerves on this date are off the charts. They basically have small talk ("Thank you for bringing me on this date!" "It's easy when you're just being yourself." "I thought your hometown went really well.")

And then they have some weird sex talk about how his jeans are too tight and how she knows how to loosen them up and oh my god this is going to be excruciating.  Are we gonna go through two hours of ridiculous sexual innuendo?

Dinner conversation focuses on Tayshia's boobs. Colton can't stop staring as she makes sure to let us all know her boobie tape isn't doing it's job. Colton kisses her and then tells her "thank you" for some random reason. Then her boob pops out and she says "that was a nip slip" and Colton says "I saw that one!"

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE.

Can you imagine having to spend all dinner talking about how important having sex is and making constant references to your virginity? What an awkward meal. Tayshia then lets everyone know that her husband cheated on her after 18 months of marriage. She says that her husband was "the first person she had sex with" but definitely did not say he was "the only" person. Colton then tells her that "if it's us" he will never cheat on her.

I can't get over this.......he's definitely going to have sex with two other women this week right? So basically "I'll never cheat on you, but just hold on a sec while I sex up these two blonde chicks. Then I'm all yours."

This is SO uncomfortable to watch. He pops some champagne emphatically, which was definitely not a metaphor for anything. Then he leads her through the suite, pausing to admire the bathtub ringed by candles and full of bubbles that they didn't set up themselves. I wonder what the producers were thinking as they drew that bath....."I'm totally in Portugal running a bath to set the mood for this dude to lose his virginity. My job is the best!"

The morning after there's a lot of hand holding and furtive glances, but I kind of get the idea that no sex was had. Confirmed. No sex. Colton couldn't handle it. Not that I blame him....that's a hell of a lot of pressure for Colton to deal with. MILLIONS OF PEOPLE set their DVR to see if you had sex for the first time. What a mindfuck that is.

Cassie gets her turn. They drive a convertible around Portugal. They eat at an outdoor cafe. They buy matching pjs at a store. They walk down a cobblestone street and make out in front of a street band. They make out in an alleyway that looks like it definitely needs a high speed car chase.

Instead they just make out against the wall of a building. We come back from commercial break, and now they're on top of a building making out. Time for another picnic!

On this picnic they discuss that Cassie's dad did not give Colton his blessing to marry her. She's a little miffed....like she had no idea that this happened. Colton, after all season talking about how important getting a father's blessing was to him, tells Cassie that it has no bearing on his feelings about her or their relationship. Cassie is shook. She doesn't know how to handle this situation. I don't remember perfectly, but did Cassie's dad outright say no? Or did he just say "take some time before you do this," which is essentially what Tayshia's dad said when he told them that you "can't microwave a relationship."

What seems clear to me is that there will be no sex in this fantasy suite either. Cassie's going to be thinking about her disapproving father the entire time, and that won't be a good situation for anyone.

Cassie's dad is in Portugal! Now there's definitely no sex being had. He's here to explain his lack of a blessing. He asks her point blank if she's in love with him, and Cassie's answer is "I think so. Yes. I don't know." Aaaaaaaaaaand Cassie's got her exit strategy. Props to Cassie's dad for playing the "no daughter of mine is going to make an irrational decision about the rest of her life" role to let his daughter save face from having to look like a monster who's been leading Colton on.

Dad's final advice is "just be brutally honest with him." Fantastic. Colton will totally understand that.

Colton's plan 100% is to have sex with Cassie. Oh dear. Cassie drops the "my dad was here today" bomb, and Colton's penis goes full turtle mode. You can see the "I'm not losing my virginity tonight" realization hit him like a Randy Johnson fastball. He can't get out of the way, he's just gotta wear it. Colton asks if she's planning on leaving, and she says yes. Then she says "Like I wonder if I would've been sure by now....I don't know." That's not even remotely a coherent thought. Then, she just up and walks out.

I feel for you Colton, I really do. You had a plan, you tried to stick to that plan despite everyone warning you that your plan had a major flaw in that the girl didn't love you, and then it blew up in your face. Colton tries to salvage the relationship by saying "I'm OK with being patient. I don't want to lose you." Cassie's now gotta just lower the "I'm never going to love you" boom on him as gently as possible. I don't think she's going to be able to do it gently.

Colton is now basically telling her it's been her since Thailand and that he doesn't really care about the other women. He's pretty much begging her to love him back, and she's just like "I'm so conflicted, this is gonna be over in two weeks!" Colton says "I want it to be you, engagement or not," and Cassie responds "How can you say that with two other girls here?" and the look Colton gives her is freaking priceless. It's basically "Goddamnit ABC, this is your fucking fault. I would've dumped them all a month ago." Of course, Cassie should understand this as well, that he's gotta go through the motions to make the show last ten episodes.

They then embrace, as Cassie stares STRAIGHT INTO THE CAMERA. Best moment ever on this show. It was a look that was equal parts "I feel terrible about what I'm doing to this guy" and "did you get the shot?"


Cassie says "I can't do this" and Colton says "I don't care if you leave, I'm not going to stop fighting for you," followed almost immediately by "So that's it," and getting up and walking away.

What Colton really meant was "I'll never stop fighting for you...so long as we're both sitting on this couch."

And....he's gone. Fence jump achieved. Ace tracker Chris Harrison is called in to bring him back. He hears a dog barking and says "well a dog is barking over there" followed by six dudes just running aimlessly around in the dark yelling "Colton!" over and over like the family dog just got loose. Just....incredible. Nobody wants the women tell all tomorrow night. Push that shit to next week and give me more Chris Harrison and some producers with flashlights in Portugal.

Bachelor 2019, Hometowns: Asking Permission

Hometowns are typically my least favorite episode, because it's always just the same 25 minute date four times in a row. They do some activity that is usually not exciting (my town has horse drawn carriages! Here's my high school! I used to get in so much trouble in this park!) and then the families get their moment of fame.

I'll be honest, I barely paid attention. I know Cassie's dad went with the "Nothing you do or say will impress me" bit, and Hannah had the old dad, and Tayshia's dad was the "lemme be real with you" dad, and Caelynn had the dad who isn't really her dad and knows what it means to earn Caelynn's love dad. And that's really what this episode was all about. Asking dads for permission to marry their daughters.

I was kind of taken aback by Bachelor Twitter being so up in arms about this. There seemed to be three general beefs with the asking the father bit:

She's an Independent Woman, She Can Make Her Own Decision!

Example Tweet:

STOP ASKING MALE PARENTAL FIGURES FOR *PERMISSION* TO MARRY A WOMAN. (Yes, this is the hill I will die on.) #TheBachelor

— Emma Gray (@emmaladyrose) February 26, 2019

Here's the thing - 150 years ago, you probably needed a father's permission to marry his daughter. It was how things worked back then. But like most things with time, this has changed, hasn't it? Now, it's more of a "I'm declaring my love for your daughter, I hope you're on board with that." I would venture to guess that most guys talk about marriage with their girlfriends before going to her dad about it. And I would venture to guess that even if the dad said "I'm not so cool with this," most guys are going to ask anyways, because it is the woman's decision, not her father's. But you know, Twitter got big mad about this anyways.

Why Didn't You Ask The Moms, You SEXIST PIG?

Example Tweet:

What 👏🏻 about 👏🏻 mom's 👏🏻 approval 👏🏻 though? #TheBachelor

— Kristen Baldwin (@KristenGBaldwin) February 26, 2019

You know why you don't ask for mom's approval? Mom will give you her opinion without you even asking. No mom in the history of moms has not made it abundantly clear if she's cool with you marrying her child from the get go. Colton probably knew the answer from all the moms by the way they passed the potatoes at dinner.

Also, Colton says he did ask:

SPOILER ALERT: I did #TheBachelor https://t.co/HI4cYXJsQh

— Colton Underwood (@colton) February 26, 2019

How Can He Ask Permission From These Men When He Knows He's Not Proposing to Three of Their Daughters?

Example Tweet

Honestly, I think it’s shitty that they ask every dad for permission. It’s one thing to lead on the girl, but to make her whole family get THAT invested is kind of messed up. #TheBachelor

— Bach Tweets (@BachBatch) February 26, 2019

You guys have seen this show before, right? I think this happens every season. The Bachelor says something like "I'd like to know I have your blessing," and the dad pauses for an awkwardly long time, then says "Son," pauses again for an awkwardly long time, then says something like "IF she's the one at the end, and IF you two keep progressing in your relationship, and IF she accepts your proposal, then you have my blessing."

And I think that's the important takeaway here....it's a TV show. This is not real life. You don't meet four girls' families in a week. you don't get to the point of wanting to marry four girls at once, you don't take twelve girls to Phuket or Istanbul or Venice or wherever they go. It's all entertainment. I guarantee if ABC had good footage of Colton asking a mom for mpermission, they'd have shown it. If the mom freaks out and says no....that'd be in there. But a majority of this country grew up in a patriarchal society, so we're comfortable with the construct of a guy asking for a daughter's hand in marriage. (Side note: I cringed every time Colton said "man to man...." during the episode. Like, stop trying to put yourself on the level of the girl's dad. You're not there yet, and even if you were, you pretend like you aren't. I could see forward thinking women all across the country pouring themselves another glass of wine every time those words came out of his mouth.)

Anyways, Caelynn went home, and Tayshia's probably next and we're going to be left with the two young blonde girls without any baggage or any sort of personality really.....just like Arie picked Lauren last year. Are all the winners really young and blonde, or is that just the perception? When I think of The Bachelor, I think of a dude proposing to Emily Maynard every time.

Bachelor 2019, Week Six: WHO DO YOU BELIEVE

We're still in Vietnam and Colton's giving us another Blair Witch style vlog.......We can't get this guy a kickstand for his phone? Colton reminds us that as the competition continues and the remaining ladies dwindle, the decisions he make get bigger and mean more. Thanks for explaining to us how competitions work.

"Hey Steph Curry, as you move on to the Western Conference Finals, how do you feel?"
"Well I mean, these games don't mean as much as the games back in the first round or in the regular season you know. It's pretty relaxed."

Vietnam ends our overseas adventure, as we head back to Denver....which means a visit with Ben Higgins. Ben let's Colton know that nothing he's done yet will prepare him for the hometowns and what's coming up. These are problems that will make you jump a fence.

This still hasn't happened, btw

Ben Higgins seems like a fine individual, but he is like the opposite of what I want to see on my TV. Being a good listener does not make for entertainment in my book. He gives solid, common sense advice (be honest about how you're feeling, level with the girls) and sends Colton on his merry way.

Colton and his dog are waiting for the ladies, and he immediately dismisses six of them to take a walk in the park with Tayshia. They walk all over downtown with his ancient labrador....seriously that dog looks exhausted and not at all like a city dog. They wander into an ice cream shop, and then buy salmon for dinner....and then stop for a drink? Don't you need to get that salmon into a fridge rather quickly?

Colton recaps the fact that all the ladies that left last week told him to watch his back, and that he knows they weren't talking about Tayshia. How he knows this is beyond me, because he didn't ask Sydney or Demi or Katie who they were talking about.

Back at the house, Caelynn and Cassie discuss how nasty is was of the girls to "drop bombs" on Colton before they left, but "at least they didn't name names," which is a weird thing to say unless you think that they were talking about you. Of course they follow this up by saying that nobody left s all the close with them, so even if they do say something they can be like "you can't speak about me, you don't know me!"

Tayshia, meanwhile, has no qualms saying that it's Cassie and Caelynn. They're talking about being the next bachelorette and that they aren't going to be ready to get engaged and talking about where they're going to go and what people they're going to meet after the show.

First off......how many conversations have you ever had about the people you're going to meet in the future? This just seems like a real weird conversation to have. Colton's genuinely freaking out, and says "I had no questions for Cassie and Caelynn....and now I do." Really? No questions? So you were prepared to propose to either of them? By process of elimination by the way, we can determine that Colton thinks one of the Hannahs, Heather or Kirpa is the problem....or at least that's what he's telling us.

Tayshia is prepping Colton for her family, and basically is saying that her dad is not cool with her dating on television and he's gonna be predisposed to hate Colton, in part because of how hurt she was by the end of her last relationship. Colton fires back that he's not proposing if he doesn't have the father's blessing. "Call me old fashioned" he says. My opinion on asking the father's blessing is that you're not so much asking for permission anymore as you are giving the dad a heads up. Sort of a respect thing. I'm trying to think if my wife's parents had said no if I would've just broken up with her. I'm 99% sure I would've proposed to her anyways, though maybe not in front of her parents like I did. That probably would've been awkward.

Also, it's curious to me that Tayshia kept saying "my last relationship" while talking to Colton, but used the phrase "my divorce" at the end after he gives her the rose. Is she downplaying it, trying not to draw attention to the divorce thing? Like he'll forget she was married if she just calls it a relationship? A quick google search revealed to me that she actually dated some dude between her divorce and the start of the show....so was her dad more upset about the couple months boyfriend than the divorce, or is she conveniently forgetting to mention that guy to Colton? Also, this is why I typically try to avoid reading anything online about the show because I want to experience the show in a bubble. It's way more fun to me to see the show as ABC is trying to present it and take everyone at their word. It's hard to make fun of people when you know they're playing a role or just repeating something a producer whispered in their ear.

Colton and Caelynn go snowboarding, and she super sucks. Nonetheless, Colton tells her she's a natural and that he was very proud of her effort. Thanks coach!

He then drops the bomb on Caelynn that Tayshia is talking about her being there for the wrong reasons. Caelynn please her case, telling Colton that only she knows if she's ready for marriage, and guess what, she totally is! Immediately Caelynn turns into a mob boss, talking about F that girl for putting my name in her mouth and how she better get a rose so she can call "that stupid bitch out." Wow. Also, this just reminded me that three weeks ago Caelynn shared a super personal, emotional and moving story about being a sexual assault survivor....and literally nobody remembers that anymore. Now she's the girl with the potty mouth that is ready to punch a ho for spreading lies. She also makes sure to tell us that she's the only one falling in love with Colton. Awesome little drop there. Nobody loves him like I do.

After some tears from both of them in interviews, they have dinner and Caelynn has changed her tune. No more attempting to plot how to kill Tayshia, now it's all "I'm so in love with you and I want babies and I pray to God that it's us at the end of this." Colton is convinced, and they kiss and a rose is conveyed. So now he feels that Tayshia lied to him? Is he going to discuss this with her? I bet not.

Hannah B. gets the final one on one of the week, so that means Hannah G, Kirpa, and Heather are group dating it, which makes sense because they all got one on ones in Asia, but of course they flip out and think it means he's not into them, even though he just made out with them all over Vietnam.

Caelynn and Cassie have a very staged, very unbelievable conversation about how they can't believe Tayshia would say things like that about Caelynn. Caelynn of course confronts Tayshia, who is totally down to discuss this.

Tayshia then tells Caelynn that she has no real proof of her doing anything wrong, just that she talked to all the other girls, and they came to the same conclusion that the other girls must be talking about Cassie and Caelynn.

So a group of girls got together to discuss who they think is a fake ass skank and came up with.....THE ONLY TWO GIRLS THAT WEREN'T IN THE CONVERSATION! SHOCKING! Also, Tayshia definitely made it sound like she had heard these conversations that Cassie and Caelynn allegedly had, right? So why didn't that come up when she was talking directly to Caelynn? Her whole argument was that her and the other girls assume Cassie and her are fake because it's clearly not themselves! Tayshia is dead to me. Get her out of here.

At least the next date is Hannah B., who is way too crazy to be fake. Colton takes Hannah to meet his family. I don't know that is a great sign for Hannah B....I don't remember someone getting the family date mid-season actually being the winner at the end.

Colton's dad basically tells him not to trust any of the ladies over his own gut. Colton's dad seems like a good dude. Colton's dad asks him to tell him about Hannah, and Colton says she's incredible and amazing and she told him she loves him.....but he's not there yet. He then says he's 100% sure of Tayshia and Caelynn, even though he knows one of them is lying to him.

This is why Colton is an idiot.

Really seems like he's about to dump Hannah B. because he's just not that into her. Way to take her to meet your parents then, bro. If you're his parents, aren't you like "WTF did we just do that for? Great to see you and all, but you brought us a lame duck?"

Colton asks Hannah what makes her so sure about her feelings for him. She says she doesn't date to date, she dates for marriage, which is important at her ripe old age of 24. Apparently it's still 1754 in Alabama. Hannah continues to tell him how sure she is, while he doesn't smile once. She's toast. Colton basically says he's not ready for Hannah, so she's done because he can't shake her father's hand if he has any doubts about their relationship.

Hannah handles this like a champ. She basically doesn't beg him for anything, says "I've given you what I've got, not sure what else you want." Colton then says "I'm sure there's someone out there for you, to which Hannah basically responds "not shit dude." Hannah might be my favorite exit ever here.

Colton then acknowledges that he's a complete moron for sending a girl home that he knows is there for the right reasons. Good for him, but still, c'mon bro.

Back at the house, the girls all look shocked that Hannah went home, but you know they understand that means they don't have to win the group date rose to stay around....so good for them.

The group date is a train ride. I love the train, so Colton is definitely winning my heart on this one. Colton cautions the girls that they need to be sure about their relationship. Heather basically jumps up and says "well that's it for me! See ya bud!" Colton is also cool with this decision, so they share Heather's first last kiss and she hops on the train leaving the other girls and Colton stranded in the middle of nowhere until the next train shows up.

Kirpa and Hannah G. talk about how Cassie's gotta know the other girls are talking about her motivations and she shouldn't be surprised they hate her. Good times. Cassie pleads her case, and Colton seems to buy it. He asks Kirpa who is doing things right and wrong, and Kirpa says that Cassie and Caelynn "acted defensive" when Colton told them about Katie's warning. Colton then is basically like "durrrrr...idk.....what do I do?"

Kirpa and Cassie then start yelling at each other about what Katie said while Colton waits patiently six feet away off camera...I'm assuming at least. There's nowhere else for him to go right? He had to hear that whole thing. He's only sending one girl home here, and it would seem Hannah G. is safe as he just made out with her harder than any other girl last week in Vietnam, so it's either Cassie or Kirpa in my mind. He backed Caelynn, will he back Cassie too, or is he going to try to split the difference and say "well maybe one girl was being shady, I'll put my money on it being Cassie and Cassie only."

Colton gives Hannah G. the rose and sends her back to the other girls to tell them what happened. Hannah G. then says that Cassie and Kirpa had an altercation where they each stated their opinions. VERRRY descriptive Hannah!.

All of a sudden, Caelynn just waltzes into the group date. I love that the group date happens while the girls that are safe are just down the hall. Phenomenal. Caelynn basically says "don't send my friend home, she's awesome and the other girl is a lying liar." That's good enough for Colton, as he sends Kirpa home.

Incredible that he kept Tayshia around despite clearly not believing her that Caelynn and Cassie are fame whores. He sent literally everyone else that had a problem with the two of them home this week. What super sucks is that these girls aren't really going to see each other again save for rose ceremonies the rest of the season. 

Bachelor 2019, Week 5: Colton's Been Warned (again, and again, and again.....)

We pick up where we left off - with Colton walking down the beach. I've never seen a guy who handled confrontation so poorly. Every time the girls get grouchy with each other and look to him to settle the dispute and he has to head off by himself and the producers have to send out the Bat-Signal to scramble Chris Harrison from wherever he is to talk him down.

Onyeka and Nicole keep their silly feud up, with Onyeka saying the classic line "nobody here can say that I bullied them....except for you." Onyeka then proceeds to interrupt and talk over Nicole, all the while proclaiming innocence in this spat. She's awful. Nicole's not much better. Colton is a dummy.

Rose ceremony time! Colton talks about how emotional and hard it is for him to hear two girls argue about something that doesn't even involve him. How hard it is to get rid of two girls he's barely given a minute of time to when he's got a dozen or so other girls he clearly likes more just waiting to comfort him. C'mon son.

As if there was any doubt, Onyeka and Nicole are sent home as the last rose goes to Sydney. Nicole, as is her way, cries on the way out. I don't know if it's telling or not, but Nicole hugs all the girls and says goodbye and Onyeka just bounces without so much as a wave. I think we know who the girls sided with in this argument.

Next stop Vietnam! Let's get Colton's selfie vlog for the week. The sheer number of cuts in this forty-five second video makes me think it probably took him twenty minutes to get out four coherent sentences. The girls take a tour of the resort and oooh and ahh at all the things that look exactly like the last resort they stayed at. And look, I get that everyone has the urge to yell "Good morning, Vietnam!" but it's one of those jokes that you know is gonna be stupid before you say it. Also, I'd be willing to bet none of those girls have seen a move that came out before they were all born. I haven't seen the movie. It's never on TV, and it's not in the Redbox. I'd say 75 to 80% of the viewers haven't seen the movie, and probably don't know what that line is from.

Hannah G gets the first one on one of the week and they make out wrapped up in seaweed. They make out in mud. They make out in a shower. It's like a PG-13 version of a Dr. Seuss book.

Would you could you in a shrub? Would you, could you in a tub? Try it, Try it, and you'll see!
Say, I do like Hannah G. And I will kiss her in a bush. And I will touch her perfect tush!

If Colton likes you, he's gonna make out with you. If he wants to be your gay best friend, he'll talk to you about why he's a virgin. End of story.

Hannah asks him what his favorite part of the day was, and she can't even finish her sentence before he blurts out "the shower!" God, what a child. Hannah does the best she can to keep him from getting too excited, calmly saying "I like showering too."

Hannah then tells her story of her parents divorce, and how she knew it was over when her mom drove across the lawn that her dad mowed three times a week.......which then leads Colton to say he doesn't talk about his parents divorce much either. You know who doesn't talk about their parents divorce much?

This is gonna blow your mind

EVERYONE!

Seriously.....my parents got divorced when I was around ten. It sucked. It sucks for everyone involved, every single time. You know how often that comes up? NEVER. Nobody wants to hear about it, nobody wants to relive that, and almost always everyone ends up just fine in the end and you realize that it's probably for the best that the marriage ended when it did. So don't act like you're more ready for marriage because your parents got divorced.

The group date starts with Colton fighting off a couple of Vietnamese ninjas. Ah yes, the group date where we teach a bunch of emotional girls to punch, then have them practice on each other and act shocked when someone takes it too far or someone gets hurt.

Up first is Heather and Sydney, who shriek and hug each other for a couple minutes. Hannah B. and Cassie go next, and it's not much better. Honestly, I'm shocked they didn't make Hannah and Caelyn punch each other for old times sake. Finally, Demi and Katie duke it out. Katie is here to win and punches Demi in the face a couple times. Demi is not pleased. She basically curls up in a ball and curses the heavens that this happened to her. Colton looks like having girls fight is not a sexy as he thought it'd be. He cancels the rest of the fights, which I think was a strategic play to make sure Caelyn and Tayshia didn't get their pretty faces bruised. Colton says "I wanted this to be fun for everyone." Really? Who thinks punching each other is fun in a competitive setting? Nobody wants to get beat in front of a guy that can dump you based on the results of your stupid boxing match.

I love that as they walk away from the Vietnamese dojo, Demi is holding the trophy. Of course Colton gives the trophy to the worst participant. That's so on point for him.

Tayshia and Colton talk about their relationship in broad generalities that never really get to what they actually feel. Tayshia says she doesn't know how she's feeling, but it's because she's been burned before and she wants Colton to have that curiosity about her as well. Colton says he likes her because she's calming and he looks forward to these moments every week and he wants to know more about her everytime he sees her because he's never dated this many women before. They kiss and apparently they're both good now.

Katie gets her one on one time, and she cries about how she doesn't want Colton to think she's not trying. Colton says he likes seeing her doubt herself because.....I'm not sure why. Something about different sides of her and how seeing someone be neurotic and self conscious makes him get a clearer picture of who she is.

Up next is Hannah B., who decides not to show Colton a different side. She just shows him her teeth and crazy eyes and giggles a lot. Her days are numbered I think. They then do a ninja stick competition, which pisses Sydney off. Sydney is not a play with a stick kind of girl. She's serious and mature, and she wants Colton to know that.

She goes straight in on Colton basically saying "I would rather be doing this on a one on one date, but god damnit you haven't given me a one-on-one date and I need to know why!" Colton responds by saying "I'm just not that into you" without actually saying it. It was a masterful sidestep really.

Demi calls her mom, who is out of jail with Colton. This is apparently her ploy to show him a different side of her. But when you're on speaker phone with your boyfriend and you have to tell your mom you're proud of her for making it through jail and that you "know she's being a good girl," does that actually help him picture a life with you down the road? To me, it says "holy buckets, this girl's mom was in jail....and not for the first time!" That's a hard hurdle to overcome when you've got plenty of attractive, smart women who don't have felons for mothers you can date. I think this was the first mistake Demi has made.

Tayshia and Sydney continue to chide the other girls for having fun and giggling. Love is serious apparently, and you're enjoying your time you clearly aren't there for the right reasons. Sydney then goes back to Colton and asks for more attention from him. Colton really REALLY hates being questioned, and bristles at the fact that Sydney isn't appreciative of his methods. Then Sydney goes further, saying he's been making easy decisions with his roses and his date choices - basically saying he's a horny dumbass distracted by big boobs and shiny lights. Sydney then basically dumps him, saying this isn't working for her. Colton says he's upset, but doesn't really say why. I'm sure Sydney thinks it's because she's leaving, but I think it's because she called him shallow....she even says "Don't get distracted by shiny things" as she leaves! I mean, it would just be easier to just say "Tayshia. You should pick Tayshia."

Colton then gives a speech to the other women about how Sydney leaving made him think about how much more he can give to all of the remaining women. IMMEDIATELY, he gives the rose to Tayshia, which seems to be the opposite message from what he just said. Whatever dude, you do you.

Kirpa gets the final date of the week, and miraculously, her chin is completely healed. No mark whatsoever. It's been what, a week since she got stitched up? I call shenanigans. Colton then takes a girl on a boat ride for the third date in the last four. At least on this one, there's an activity.....diving for urchins! They catch one urchin, then get back on the boat. There's very little making out. Usually not a good sign with this guy.

Kirpa opens up about her previous engagement. They were together for eight years! He was saving himself for marriage despite being with the same woman for eight years! Kirpa is 26. She was with the same dude from high school on for eight years, they got engaged, and they didn't have sex, and then they broke up before getting married? HOW ARE YOU WITH SOMEONE FOR EIGHT YEARS AND BREAK UP BEFORE GETTING MARRIED? This just blows my mind. At no point in eight years did you reach a point where you thought "maybe this guy isn't the one" and then you get engaged and now figure it out?

Here are my options for how this went down:

1. She cheated on him, and that's what caused the engagement to be called off.
2. She made some very poor decisions in high school.
3. She started dating the kid next door when she was 10, they got "engaged" in middle school, then broke up after high school.
4. This relationship started normally enough....maybe when she's a junior in high school. They broke up a year ago, Kirpa was way past ready to have sex, and went crazy for a year or so before ending up on the Bachelor.

She then says that she doesn't want to get engaged again unless she's sure it's the right person, but tells Colton that she feels like she'd be open to getting engaged next month if things keep progressing as they are. She says this without smiling and with barely any eye contact. I don't believe her.

Demi's decided it's time to have sex with CoCo as she calls him. This is either going to be amazing for her or completely backfire.

It backfires immediately. Colton sits her down on the couch and tells her she's not the one and it's not going to happen and sends her home. Holy hell. I mean, I knew he wasn't going to pick the tiny sexpot with the felon mom and the outgoing personality, but I didn't think he'd just cut her straight off before a rose ceremony. Honestly, this is the best thing that could've happened to Demi though. She instantly went from the crazy villain to a sympathetic girl from a broken home who just got dumped. People will love her now, and she'll be a sneaky dark horse candidate for Bachelorette.

Rose Ceremony time! Colton skips the cocktail party, sending Chris Harrison to tell the ladies so that they can appropriately freak out. In the end, it comes down to Katie and Heather. He gives the rose to Heather. Katie doesn't seem pleased. The conversation he had with Katie definitely made it seem like he was looking forward to continuing the journey with her. She's not having it. She tells Colton that she wished she got more time with him. Colton says he was excited about her, but she didn't "let him in." Katie then tells him the same thing Sydney did: "be smart about the girls who are left."

Colton then amazingly says that he dumped Demi because he thought Sydney was talking about her, and implies that he dumped Katie because he thought Demi was warning him about her. Now he doesn't know who Katie's talking about. So he does what Colton does...Immediately tells the group what some girl just told him privately. Bizarrely, Tayshia turns to Kirpa and says "let's take this thing. It's going to be the two of us at the end. I can feel it." OK...........

Then we get previews of Colton jumping the fence, girls crying, Colton crying....it's all very strange. Maybe we'll get answers next week, but I sort of doubt it. They've got a lot of mileage out of this fence jumping thing, seems like a Week 9 sort of thing.

Bachelor 2019, Week 5: Cry-land

Thailand! Thailand has a reputation of being a very un-virgin location, yeah? This should be interesting.

I always crack up thinking about the person who ding dong ditches and leaves a date card. Like are the girls told to wait thirty seconds before heading to the door, or is some production assistant on a dead sprint into the bushes to get out of the shot? How many times have they had to turn the girl around and say "you grabbed the card too fast, can you go back inside and come out again....only this time look more nervous!"

As the girls discuss obvious things like "I feel like the girls who have had one-on-one dates are further along with Colton than the rest of us," Heather is awarded the first one-on-one of the episode. She's definitely going to have her "first kiss" on national television. Do we really buy that a girl as attractive as her has never been kissed? Maybe we're talking no tongue?

Before we get into her date, we get a shot of Elyse being mopey because she didn't get a second one-on-one date before other girls got their first shot. This seems like code for "Colton is a mess, I'm not feeling him anymore, I'm gonna get myself out of here." The show can't have Colton seeming undesirable, so of course she's gotta flip it around and act like she's TOO in love with him. If she had a kid, she could just suddenly start missing her kid and bail, but she doesn't have card to play.

Colton is such a dummy. He says he hears the sound of hope in a conch, blows kisses to monkeys, but not before asking Heather if she blows kisses, as if kiss-virgins are so nervous about it they don't even blow kisses.

The date is.....not going well. I don't know if it's the sexual tension, or if two virgins are like magnets of the same polarity that repel each other, but it's rough. Colton follows up his classic "Singapore has the lights and the buildings" by saying about Thailand 'these rocks...the greenery....it's incredible." This guy definitely reads at a fifth grade level.

Heather explains that she went out with a guy for 8 months without kissing him. She said she was trying to force herself to like him because he had everything she was looking for. So she was forcing it without kissing him? This guy was willing to date her for 8 months without getting a kiss? I'm flummoxed. Colton tells her the date was an absolute blast and then explains that he likes her and then just basically says he wants to kiss her, but doesn't say it directly. "I'm looking forward to experiencing new first things with you...." stuff like that. She gets the rose. They walk along the beach, there's fireworks.....they kiss!

Look, kissing someone for the first time is nerve wracking. Kissing anyone for the first time is terrifying (or at least it was to teenage me). You don't know if they'll like it, you don't know if you're any good at it.....so why on God's green Earth would you agree to do that on national television? Props to Heather though, she pulled it off like a veteran kisser.

She gets back to the house (where the girls have been debating whether or not she's coming back) and Elyse is getting dolled up like it's rose ceremony night. Heather tells the guys she got kissed, and that she's super excited that Colton wants to move forward with her, and Elyse just bounces. Just gets up and walks out the door while Heather keeps talking. Super rude, but I'll go out on a limb and guess Elyse isn't hear to make friends. Sydney says "she looked good though," which is so not a thing a guy would ever say.

The dress and bouncing out while all the other girls are in a central location makes me think Elyse is going to talk to Colton....and I'm right. Elyse starts by saying that "I think you could see that the last time we talked that I wasn't myself." Colton gives no indication that he agrees, but Elyse continues undeterred. Colton tries to explain to her that he's been in her situation and he knows what it's like, but Elyse has already made her mind up that she's out of here.

"I don't give up on relationships," says the guy who has broken up with 15 girls in the past month. "especially ones where I'm excited and see a future." Yeah, those are the ones I tend to try and keep going too, buddy.

Elyse is doing a terrible job of convincing me that she really is upset to be leaving. Her cry seems fake, she keeps covering her face to hide tears that aren't there....but of course Colton blames himself. "I've had people give up on me in the past," he moans. Don't worry buddy, there's 14 other girls that are waiting to whine to you about each other and your relationship with them.

Group date time....it's time to walk through the jungles of Thailand! They find the Thai Bear Grylls to show them how to survive. Joe finds all the craziest things in the jungle - bugs, eels, scorpions, snakes...... It looks sweaty as hell in this jungle. Joe splits them into three teams to find ways to survive, only one of which has Colton on it. Hannah, Hannah, and Demi form the greatest team in the history of any competition. They're the Golden State Warriors of reality television. They decide to "work smarter, not harder" so they find a cab and head to a hotel and grab some burgers and booze. This show isn't even trying anymore. Onyeka produces an empty handkerchief that she says has some bugs to eat in it, but conveniently drops the non-existent bugs. This date sucked. Tayshia is on Colton's team, and she decides they need to divide and conquer to survive, so she sends the other two girls to find food while her and Colton make out...only they don't go anywhere even close to far enough apart to make this plan make any sense. Why do you need to split up if you're going to kiss him in plain sight of the other girls anyways? God damnit this show doesn't even try half the time anymore. This whole date gets an F-. They can't even pretend that this is real anymore.

Cassie is the only one left and gets the second one-on-one. Heather grabs her one on one date, and then....touches Cassie's foot? What is that? Why is she caressing her foot? She's touching Cassie with more passion than she showed on her date with Colton! Maybe Heather's chyron should read "Never Been Kissed....BY A MAN."

Back at the group date after party, Colton tells Tayshia he liked the initiative she showed, and then -

Nevermind, nobody cares about that. I need to know what happened to Kirpa's chin. Did she slip and fall? Did she get punched? Did a monkey attack her? Did one of Elyse's seventeen curling irons burn her? I need to know!

Ok we're back. Hannah B. and Colton discuss the zombie apocalypse, and Colton states that if there was a zombie apocalypse, he'd want Miss Alabama by his side.

Next we get Onyeka saying that, before Elyse left she told her that Nicole wasn't here for the right reasons. Fuggin' Elyse man. What a terrible exit. Not only does she put on her "you're gonna miss this" dress, not only does she rudely interrupt Heather's first kiss story, NOT ONLY does she basically break up with Colton by saying that she likes him too much and that it's not fair that he likes her too and that's why they can't be together, she also decidess to tell the most irrationally confrontational girl in the house that one of the quietest contestants is a snake. Way to throw a grenade in the bunker, Elyse.

Fuck this.....this turns out to be a fake news situation. I feel like the show is trying to teach America that you can't always believe what you hear. In this situation, Onyeka plays the role of your MAGA loving uncle, who continues to post fake memes on Facebook about Hilary Clinton. Of course, when you present him with factual evidence that Hilary did not run a child sex ring out of a pizza parlor, he switches his argument to "Well, I still don't like that nasty woman!" which is exactly what Onyeka does. Now that she's been presented with a firsthand account that Nicole did not want to use the show to get out of Miami (who wants out of Miami? Isn't it like a desirable destination?), she starts talking about how Nicole cries all the time and she never liked her anyways.

Colton takes Cassie on....the exact same date he took Heather on? Well, minus the rocks and the greenery. They just basically make out on a boat. Do you think the boat driver is like "kill me now?" He just drives the boat around while two people dry hump like he isn't even there. Rough gig.

Back at the house, the girls discuss how much Colton likes Cassie. This date involves no talking and all kissing. Meanwhile the water taxi dude is probably still just sitting there listening to a podcast and watching them make out. He gives her the rose before they even discuss anything of any consequence. After the rose presentation, Cassie and Colton discuss the fact that they are at different points in their sexual lives. Cassie talks about how hard it is to tell some of her family members that she's not a virgin. This conversation makes no sense. She's asking Colton how he deals with being a virgin because she wants to know how to deal with not being a virgin? I'm so baffled by what is happening right now. How is this an actual discussion? Anyways....this competition to be the first to touch Colton's penis is just about wrapped up. Cassie is the clear frontrunner. How will they ever keep this show going for another five weeks?

Oh I know.....let's throw some drama in there and mess everything up! Kirpa's still there with her busted up chin...I really hope she explains that to him. Oneyka and Nicole continue their cold war over fake news that was either started by Elyse or completely misinterpreted by Onyeka, I'm not sure which. Nicole says he's not looking for an "Instagram Husband," and I'm instantly googling the term Instagram Husband. Apparently it's someone who takes pictures for his blogging wife. Nicole is doing a great job of stating her case...and then she just can't help herself and says that Onyeka is just not right for him and he could never be with her because of how Onyeka treats Nicole.

Onyeka tells Colton she would never call anyone mentally unstable, and then immediately we get a shot of Onyeka talking to the camera saying "I've never been called a bully - Nicole is literally a psycho." It's just.....too much. Either these people are dumb, or the show thinks we're dumb.

Now we're going to parse words about if calling someone mentally unstable is the same as saying that someone is emotionally unstable. This is such a microcosm of our society today, where we argue about the words used rather than the intent behind them.

Colton comes over to try to calm the situation down, but it doesn't help. They continue to argue. Onyeka says she's never said anything offensive to anyone, forgetting that she blew an air horn in Catherine's face and said Colton was drowning in bitches. Colton's over it and walks away. Onyeka FINALLY realizes that maybe her schtick isn't playing well and starts apologizing to Colton, who dismisses her and walks away. The girls wonder if Colton's about to call it quits. Because...what? That's an option? Just stop the show with 14 girls remaining and pick nobody?

TO BE CONTINUED...........

Bachelor 2019, Week 4: Fueling the Hot Mess Express

I'd like to think that that The Bachelor doesn't play favorites or intentionally try to ensure someone's total destruction, but damned if ABC isn't trying with Hannah B. Last week she clearly dominated the pirate competition only to see Caelynn advance to the final round. This week, we start off with Chris Harrison calling Hannah "Caelynn." Damn...that's cold, Chris. After watching it a few times, I'm fairly certain he did this on purpose. Chris doesn't make mistakes - he makes TV magic. Usually he just drops vague "you really need to impress Colton this week" pep talks to try and unnerve the entire gaggle of ladies, but directly tweaking one of them is next level.

No time to dwell on it though, you ladies have one hour to pack for a location that The Bachelor has never been to before. The girls act all excited, but c'mon....if the show hasn't been there in 37 seasons of filming The Bachelor/ette, it can't be THAT cool. I mean - they've been to some pretty dumpy places (remember Ft. Lauderdale during Arie's season??) that they apparently thought were better locations than wherever they're going.

It's Singapore. The girls begin to freak out and hug like Trump just got impeached. I mean, this is some pretty serious jubilation here for a place I'm guessing maybe one or two of the ladies could locate on a map. I mean, what do you know about Singapore? I don't think I could tell you one concrete fact about Singapore other than it's in Asia. Honest to God, I don't know if it's a city or a country. Turns out it's both (wikipedia describes it as a "city-state.") I mean, I guess that's somewhat cool to travel to a place you know next to nothing about and would probably never visit otherwise. I know I had zero intentions of ever setting foot in Wisconsin until I started dating a girl from America's Dairyland, but damn if it isn't a super cool place with some great people and a diet consisting of all of my favorite foods.

You know who else knows nothing about Singapore? Colton. He introduces us to the city by saying "Singapore is amazing....it's got the lights, the buildings....it's definitely a really cool place!"

Lights and buildings. No other place in the world has those things Colton. This is how I describe Albany actually. "I dunno, it's got some lights and buildings and stuff. It's a city."

What's Singapore got?

Tayshia gets the one-on-one, and it's so mundane. They walk along the beach and Tayshia asks if they can "touch the water." I think this means walking in the surf, but nope....she literally means touch the water with your fingers. I don't know why walking on the beach with shoes on makes me so angry, but it does. All I could do was focus on their matching white sneakers. They won't stay white in the sand, guys...especially if you touch the water. Sure enough, when they touch the water, a wave gets their feet wet and they jump back like this three inch wave was some sort of freak sneaker wave. Sigh.

They stumble upon a bungee jump tower, and Colton is amped to try it because he was never able to do anything dangerous because of his "professional career." Just our weekly reminder that he played football, you guys. He was on the practice squad of four teams (the Chargers twice) over two seasons. This guy gave up bungee jumping and sex for football and got about as close as you can get without ever playing in an actual NFL game. I mean....that's gotta be hard. I remember a guy in high school striking out after fouling off about 10 pitches and coming back to the dugout and absolutely losing his shit. What always stood out to me was him yelling "all that work for NOTHING!" I imagine Colton did something like this times 100 when he realized playing in the NFL wasn't going to happen for him, and he did it every day for the better part of a year.

The bungee jump is pretty boring as far as bungee jumps go, with the only real drama being Tayshia jumping feet first off the tower, which led to the rope snapping her whole body downward like the end of a violent whip. I saw her life flash before my eyes. I was convinced that rope was gonna wrap around her neck or she was gonna get whiplash or something tragic. It was terrifying. She was fine though.

At dinner, she drops her tragic backstory. She was married, and it didn't work out. She does say "being a Christian woman you think you're only going to get married once," as if Jewish women or any other type of person is like "I'm definitely planning on doing this a couple times." Hilariously, she ends this conversation by saying "when I do get married again, I'm going to make sure it's amazing." Those Christian women...they only get married once, unless it's twice. But definitely only twice.

The Group Date is somehow less interesting than the one on one, despite there being thirteen girls on the date. Hannah B. is in her head because Caelynn got the one on one. Of course she did....The Bachelor is making sure to get Hannah as bent out of shape as possible. Demi makes Colton piggy back her around the city like a human rickshaw. They sample some of the local culture on the date...letting leeches grab onto them. They sample some street food.They find a fortune teller or something that tells Colton that him and Cassie were siblings in a past life. Line of the night goes to Colton for saying "oh, that's not what you wanna hear!"

Things get super weird at the evening portion of the date as Courtney whines that Colton hasn't paid any attention to her all night. Demi tells him that she needs to just go find him and talk to him. Seems like good, friendly advice. Courtney of course does the opposite, saying that she's gonna be patient. Demi, frustrated by Courtney's inaction, decides to go talk to Colton herself. NOW Courtney decides it's time to talk to him. Of course Colton has somehow vanished from the premises, so Courtney finds only Demi, and gives her a piece of her mind. She tells Demi she's immature, rude, trying to "play God" and saying "sometimes you don't think." Courtney's condescension is so thick you could use it as a blanket. Demi is understandably pissed. Demi gets the last laugh as Colton gives her the rose for the night.

Caelynn's date is basically the "Pretty Woman" date, where Colton uses ABC's money to buy her a bajillion clothes and shoes. I'd make jokes about her, but she just told an absolutely horrific story about being date raped. That was tough. We are in this weird space in this country where I feel like anything I say (even something supportive of her bravery and strength) about this will be seen as insensitive or offensive by someone, so we'll just move on.

Demi decides to go to Colton and make her beef with Courtney public after Courtney throws some very overt shade at her. Hannah and Caelynn bury the hatchet (for now) and Colton does what he does best.....tell Courtney exactly what Demi said about her. This leads to another fight that Demi completely dominates....she's now crushed Tracy and Courtney in back to back weeks. Ultimately, Courtney finds out that Colton not seeking her out on the group date really did mean something, as she's sent packing along with Tracy.  Demi is pitching a perfect game right now. Of course, Demi being Demi, she can't just let it go....saying "Ding Dong, the bitch is dead" and acting like Courtney would still be her if she'd just taken her advice as if Colton's decision wasn't already made by him not seeking her out on the date. Demi's ego will 100% be her downfall at some point here in the next few weeks. She could just continue to play the super seductive crazy lady and probably confuse Colton into proposing to her, but something tells me she'll mess it up.

Tune in next week when Elyse walks six miles for an unknown reason and Colton angry walks down the beach! So much walking!

Bachelor 2019, Week 3 - Toddlers in Tiaras

We start with Sydney recapping all the drama that went down (her and Onyeka, Hannah B and Caelynn, and of course Tracy and Demi. She then says (with a straight face) "I hope the drama is over with."

IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS!

This is a good time to remind everyone involved with this franchise that when you make a statement, ABC will do everything in its power to make sure that the exact opposite happens.

If you hope that the drama is over, the drama is just getting started.
If you hope Caelynn isn't on the same group date as you, she is (sorry Hannah B.)
If you want him to send a girl home, she will get the last rose.
If you hope the date doesn't involve snakes, there will be some monkey fighting snakes on your Monday to Friday plane.

It's science.

The group date involves going to a pirate themed place where Colton is telling some unconvincing pirates "hey you knuckleheads, knock that off!" He's the worst pirate ever. Actually I take that back. Hannah B. with the sparkly eye patch that is not even covering her eye is the worst pirate ever. The girls get to hit each other with pugil sticks in the lamest episode of pirate themed American Gladiators ever. They batter each other, and we get multiple shots of Hannah B. blasting people, but the unconvincing pirates select Caelynn and Tracy as the finalists for the group date. I don't understand why they do these competitions if there's no real reward for winning them, or even participating. Caelynn essentially forfeited to avoid getting run over by the hot mess express and moves on to the finals anyways?

In the end, Tracy essentially waves the white flag and just lets Caelynn win the date. Based on what I've seen so far, Caelynn's gonna be around for a while.

Demi, in a strange moment of clarity, says that, based on the roses Colton has given out, it's clear he doesn't have a type but anyone who assumes he has a type is being a fool. This is like when the Scarecrow gets a piece of paper that the Wizard claims is a diploma and all of a sudden he knows the Pythagorean Theorem.

Tracy, of course, can't stand for Demi to say anything, so she disagrees without having anything to disagree with. She goes off on some tangent about how she had a type, but then she got older and realized she needed to branch out. I'm not sure what that had to do with Demi saying Colton doesn't have a type based on the roses he's given out, but OK. This leads Demi to make a bunch of age related insults before finishing with "I feel sorry for you." Demi is dominating this beef. Tracy needs to just accept the loss and move on.

Meanwhile, Hannah B. decides that she has to tell Colton just how awful Caelynn really is. Colton seems genuinely concerned and asks her "like what was she like? What did she do?" Hannah B. goes full Hot Mess Express again and just says "It was a high stress situation and it was awful." As most high stress situations are, Hannah. Colton then says "Was she mean? Was she manipulative? Was she fake?" and Hannah B. loses her ability to speak and just stares at him.

You were saying???

 It's never a good sign when someone asks for details and you can't give them a single stinking one. She also claims that him keeping Caelynn around "be-fumbles" her. Fantastic misuse of words, Hannah. Nonetheless, Colton decides to scold her for her vague warnings in the most brutal way possible: He gives Caelynn the group date rose. He whispers the entire time he gives her the rose for unknown reasons.

My girl Elyse gets the one-on-one! This is exciting! She's the Jackie Robinson of the Bachelor Universe, shattering all artificial ceilings for redheads. The date involves taking a helicopter (no snakes) to an amusement park and spending the day riding rides with some sick children. During this date, we discover that Colton and Elyse are both big into children's charities, and we get to hear Elyse's tragic backstory. This is a legit sad story, I can't even hate on it. Her sister was diagnosed with cancer while she was pregnant, and was unable to get chemo or start treatment until she delivered her baby.....and then subsequently died sometime after childbirth. They started a charity in her sister's honor. Super sweet story, but of course Colton is like "I knew it! I knew you had this natural maternal instinct with these kids!" Like he's proud of the fact he noticed that she was good with children, and he's so pleased that there's a reason she's so good with kids, although I don't know that having a sister die of cancer constitutes "natural ability." But really, the best part of the date was Colton explaining the origin of his charitable foundation by saying "my little cousin was born with cystic fibrosis while I was playing - you know - football." We didn't forget buddy. You were a football player. There was also a private concert with someone named Tenille Arts. Tenille Arts sounds more like a place where you paint pottery than a musician.

The next group date involves Terry Crews and his wife Rebecca. I knew nothing about Rebecca Crews, so I looked up to see if she was somewhat famous. Turns out they were just college sweethearts that got married, but the janky website I ended up on to tell me about who she was (bijog.com) told me that "once, Terry and Rebecca had to endure a three month period without sex and this strengthened their relationship." Fascinating.

The date involves feats of strength. I can't be the only person who was a little shocked that DJ Agro is a black belt that sort of kicked the shit out of the heavy bag. That was the most impressive thing I saw on this date.

The worst thing was dragging Fred Willard out again. At this point it seems like elder abuse. Fred Willard just basically sits there while Chris Harrison talks, and every once in a while Fred does that thing really old people do where they make a generic statement so that they don't have to embarrass themselves by admitting they have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. I'm wondering who got paid to put Mr. Willard on TV, because I'll bet it wasn't Fred. That was just sad. So was the competition. Onyeka won, but that doesn't result in any extra time with Colton. What is the point of these competitions again?

At the date afterparty, there's lots of talk about strong, confident, empowered women pulling limos and lifiting "heavy hearts" to try to get a little bit of extra time or attention from a man. Of course Tayshia is talking about how much fun the date was despite us not even seeing her really. Colton compliments her for "working her butt off" and "encouraging everyone." This gets her a kiss.

Caitlin gets her one on one time, but unfortunately for her she has no tragic backstory. She says "she's looking for a guy who wants to go out with her friends have a silly, ridiculous evening, and she's happy to open up to him about that." I'd love to hear her expand on  what a silly, ridiculous evening with her friends is like. "I can't open up to you about anything because honestly, my life has been really good." We should all be so lucky, Caitlin.

Colton, unfortunately, needs a girl with a tragic backstory that is desperate for love, because they play better on TV. Caitlin becomes the sacrificial lamb on the group date to ratchet up the crazy from the other girls. THINGS JUST GOT REAL, LADIES.

Props to Caitlin for telling Colton "I'm not sure I want to hold your hand right now." She had no problem opening up about that. She then opens up about how the other women are shady bitches that Colton is going to regret keeping around. Too bad she needed to be dismissed to start having a personality. Angry Caitlin is kinda fun.

Not nearly as fun is Angry Hannah B. She's telling Never Been Kissed Heather that there's a beautiful monster inside her with a full tank of rage that is about to come out. WHAT? This girl has gone completely silent and blank at every confrontation, and now she's growling at the thought of Caelynn talking crap about her?

Caelynn then does exactly that, telling Colton that Hannah is manipulative and shady and deceitful. Caelynn then very smoothly mentions that she is a happy person who surrounds herself with happy people, but when a "toxic" person comes into her life she starts to pull back - a clear warning to Colton that she's going to be a bitch if he doesn't cut Hannah. Smooth.

Hannah then gets scolded by Colton who says tells Hannah that he's worried about her being toxic and deceitful. Amazing. Hannah goes on to clap back, saying "nuh uh, I'm not deceitful, she's the deceitful one!" Colton clearly is annoyed by the situation, and goes full pout pout fish and goes to chat with a couple of production assistants, before finally Chris Harrison comes in and goes "what's up buddy?" In a clear play to get Colton back in the game. He gets so moody as soon as things get just a little hard, I have a difficult time believing he's going to last more than a few months with whomever he proposes to at the end.

Rose ceremony mercifully ends the beauty queen hissy fit. Unfortunately, it doesn't end it permanently as he keeps both of them. Gone are DJ Agro, Bri the fake Aussie, and my girl Nina, who never even got a damn chance. At least Elyse is looking strong.

Bachelor 2019 Week 2: Comedy Central

New feature! Colton taking video blogs. It's heavily edited, probably because he had a hard time stringing two sentences together. I don't know if I'm a fan of this. I think this is a younger generation thing....taking videos of yourself or live streaming your random thoughts. I tried to use Periscope for a while, but discovered it was all people really proud of the fact they smoked weed, or sort of attractive people who were socially awkward clearly enjoying attention from really pervy dudes. It creeped me out. So yeah, I don't recommend live streaming your life.

Group date right off the bat! We're at a theater, and it's Megan Mullaly and Nick Offerman! This is the best celebrity cameo this show has ever had. Of course, none of the girls really reacted to seeing them, which pisses me off to no end. We'll go nuts about some vaguely famous singer, but two of the funniest people in America garner almost no reaction. This might be a sign I'm old.

Mine too Nick, and I'm not even getting paid to be here.

They tell sexually suggestive stories about "their first time" and.....this is really what the whole season is going to be like, isn't it? Just virginity joke after virginity joke after virginity joke. At some point the girls have to dress up like Madonna, right? Like that's obvious, right?

The girls now get the chance to tell their first times. But first, Colton tells everyone how he told people the first time he told people he was a virgin. 

Elyse the redhead goes ahead and tells everyone she's dating a younger man for the first time. She does a good job, seems comfortable behind the microphone. Demi of course says "she's so brave for admitting she's older. There's really no advantage to being older." She just made an enemy of a majority of the viewers I think. One day father time will come for her too.

The Cuban girl says she's never dated a white guy, Hannah G. tells a story about how she never got attention from boys until Colton gave her a rose, which I highly doubt. Onyeka tells her "drowning in bitches" story. Catherine says "she's a good swimmer" throws the mic and ruins everyone's eardrums. I can't even handle how a majority of these girls "first" stories occurred in the past week. As if you needed another example of just how young and not ready for the world these girls were. Demi then says something about how she just goes for it and walks into the crowd to make out with Colton and says "and that's the story of how I got the first group date rose!" Bold play, not sure Colton's the guy to play the aggressive go-getter with. We'll see. Maybe he needs someone to just tell him where to be and what to do.

Date card time, and the first one-on-one goes to Hot Mess Express Hannah B.! She says it's her "Golden Birthday" which I just learned means that her age matches the date of the month she was born. I didn't realize this was a thing, or why on earth it would be significant. Like everyone has a golden birthday before they're 32. A significant portion of the population has a golden birthday that occurs before they can talk. Do people celebrate golden birthdays harder than other birthdays? Or is this something that is only significant to females between the ages of 15 and 23? 

Demi touches the group date rose, and everyone is offended. I didn't know that this was completely taboo in Bachelor-land, but Tracy is REALLY bent out of shape. 100 years from now, when people are studying this era of human civilization that they will refer to as "The Offended Era," touching a rose on a group date before it is offered to you will be one of the primary examples of how hypersensitive people were in 2019.

Elyse has some great one on one time with Colton, and contrary to Demi's opinion, I think her age might be of some benefit here. She doesn't have time for all the games and the drama. If she's genuinely interested in Colton, she'll be patient with him while he figures out how to use his penis. These other girls will get bored real quick with their Snapchat and WhatsApp and whatever apps they're using these days. I'm guessing patience is key when dating a super insecure virgin, and the older you are, the better you are at patience. Also, someone might need to fact check this, but is Elyse the first redhead to survive the first night? Is she the first to get a kiss? I don't remember redheads faring too well on this show...in fact, they might have less representation on the show than any other minority. 

Cuban girl tells Colton about her autistic brother, but to no avail. The rose goes to Elyse, the thirty-something redhead. She's like a unicorn in The Bachelor universe. Oldest contestant. Redhead. Group date rose. This is the most shocking thing to ever happen on this show.

Hot Mess Express gets her one-on-one. They take off in an vintage SUV for Vasquez Rocks. Never heard of Vasquez Rocks. They get to ride horsThis es. We cut back to Ms. North Carolina who is convinced that Hot Mess Express is going to come unhinged the second she feels someone gets more attention than her. Hannah seems to back this up by telling the camera that she's very self conscious and spirals when she starts doubting herself. Here we go! 

Colton proposes a toast. Hannah has never given a toast in her life. She's too nervous to form a sentence about what she's hoping for the future. This doesn't bode well at all. Colton asks if she wants to get in the hot tub, and she says yes.......and then sits there. So weird. I'm wondering if she's a little drunk and that's affecting her behavior, because this is just weird. It's like she can't focus on anything. Colton, in true Colton fashion, thinks this means he has poor judgement and that this doesn't bode well for his opinions of any of the women. Then again, he tossed a few girls on the first night that I definitely would've kept - so maybe this is all his fault. 

This date seems like it's drowning (not in bitches, but in awkwardness), so I did some research on the difference between Miss USA and Miss America pageants. I'd forgotten about the Trump connection to Miss USA. I can't really tell if one is more prestigious than the other, but since Miss America started first, I'll assume that's the more important one. Hannah then ask Colton why he's a virgin, and he says he was "so focused on being a D-1 athlete" that he didn't allow for any distractions.

Again, this flies in the face of literally everything I learned about athletes while attending a D-1 school. Sex wasn't a distraction for them, it was a necessity....to the point that it would be reasonably easy to assume that the more sex you had, the better you would be as an athlete. Colton could probably be playing for the Patriots next weekend if he'd just banged a few pageant queens five years back. 

And now we get to Colton saying that saving yourself until marriage was "engraved on him" early on. WORST. TATTOO. EVER. I suppose you could say "engraved," but "ingrained" seems more appropriate.

Hannah then says that she had plans of staying a virgin until she got married, but she got into a dude and she ended up having sex with a dude and it didn't work out and now she feels guilty that she won't have that to give to someone she was spending forever with. This is enough to redeem her bizarre behavior in the hot tub, and she gets the rose, a kiss, and fireworks. 

Group Date #2 is a camp theme. They play duck duck goose. He calls cornhole "football bag," and I'm like "oh cornhole is too taboo for The Bachelor?" but then Colton refers to the birdie as a "shuttlecock" during badminton and it occurs to me that maybe Colton is just that weird dude who uses obscure terms for everything. I'll bet he refers to a dresser as a "bureau" and a couch as a "davenport" too.

Anyways, the girls do some competitions like tug of war and canoeing, and the red team wins, which means they get to sleep over at camp while the yellow team goes home. Billy Eichner is there, and while I don't typically like his yelly form of comedy, he does deadpan that Colton is very brave for using the results of a 3-legged race to determine who is the best choice for his first sexual partner. 

Heather is ready to drop the bomb that she has never been kissed. Colton is suddenly the most sexually experienced person in a conversation for the first time since he was thirteen. I think in Heather's mind, this was going to be how she gets her first kiss, but Colton isn't feeling THAT confident, so he just lets the awkward silence lead to an awkward hand holding and ending to the conversation. No worries though, he gives her the rose for having the most embarrassing confession to offer him. She's lucky some girl said she'd gone to an all girls school and that he's the first boy she'd ever seen is on the show. That girl would've gotten a rose for sure.

First group date: Colton gives the rose to the oldest, most experienced girl in the group.

Second group date: Colton gives the rose to the youngest, least experienced girl in the group.

This seems completely consistent with a person who is completely unsure of what he wants and probably is incredibly frustrating for anyone who enters a relationship with him. Not surprising that the girls can't get a read how to behave and act around him.

Courtney opts for the "I'm in charge, I'm prepared for a family, I know what I want, and I'm ready to lead you to the promised land" strategy. It goes well, so well in fact that she bursts into tears. Girls that burst into tears because they have a good conversation with a guy are not ready for a family.

Sydney opts for the "I want you so bad I cheated in a canoe race" strategy. It seems to go well until....

Onyeka shows up with an air horn because she's horny. That girl has more props than Mary Poppins, which reminds me of this great SNL sketch. Enjoy.

Demi puts on a robe, steals Colton away, takes him upstairs to a bedroom, and gives him a backrub. Fantastic play by Demi to play to every girl's worst fear. Tracy takes it the worst, so poorly that she goes up in what looks like a glorified closet and cries. Demi tells her she's "an amazing storyteller" which I think is something that is only a compliment to grandparents. 

Finally it's time for the rose ceremony: Tayshia, and Cassie get the first roses, which is curious because they got very little screen time. Caelynn and Courtney follow, and I'm not seeing much from either of them that makes me think they're contenders. Demi follows, much to Tracy's disgust. Nicole the Cuban and Kirpa the Indian Hygenist follow. Hannah G gets a rose, and gives him a very sneaky wink as she accepts. Catherine and Bri get roses, ensuring all three of the "villains" are still around. Onyeka gets a rose, which meanwe'll get to see her pull out a tuba to interrupt a date next week. Sydney, Katie, Caitlin, Nina, and Tracy round out the group.

Annie, who I never was fully convinced was actually on the show, Angelique, and Alex the dog rescue girl are all bounced, which makes me think Colton is just eliminating girls alphabetically. Bri should be on notice next week.