I always crack up thinking about the person who ding dong ditches and leaves a date card. Like are the girls told to wait thirty seconds before heading to the door, or is some production assistant on a dead sprint into the bushes to get out of the shot? How many times have they had to turn the girl around and say "you grabbed the card too fast, can you go back inside and come out again....only this time look more nervous!"
As the girls discuss obvious things like "I feel like the girls who have had one-on-one dates are further along with Colton than the rest of us," Heather is awarded the first one-on-one of the episode. She's definitely going to have her "first kiss" on national television. Do we really buy that a girl as attractive as her has never been kissed? Maybe we're talking no tongue?
Before we get into her date, we get a shot of Elyse being mopey because she didn't get a second one-on-one date before other girls got their first shot. This seems like code for "Colton is a mess, I'm not feeling him anymore, I'm gonna get myself out of here." The show can't have Colton seeming undesirable, so of course she's gotta flip it around and act like she's TOO in love with him. If she had a kid, she could just suddenly start missing her kid and bail, but she doesn't have card to play.
Colton is such a dummy. He says he hears the sound of hope in a conch, blows kisses to monkeys, but not before asking Heather if she blows kisses, as if kiss-virgins are so nervous about it they don't even blow kisses.
The date is.....not going well. I don't know if it's the sexual tension, or if two virgins are like magnets of the same polarity that repel each other, but it's rough. Colton follows up his classic "Singapore has the lights and the buildings" by saying about Thailand 'these rocks...the greenery....it's incredible." This guy definitely reads at a fifth grade level.
Heather explains that she went out with a guy for 8 months without kissing him. She said she was trying to force herself to like him because he had everything she was looking for. So she was forcing it without kissing him? This guy was willing to date her for 8 months without getting a kiss? I'm flummoxed. Colton tells her the date was an absolute blast and then explains that he likes her and then just basically says he wants to kiss her, but doesn't say it directly. "I'm looking forward to experiencing new first things with you...." stuff like that. She gets the rose. They walk along the beach, there's fireworks.....they kiss!
Look, kissing someone for the first time is nerve wracking. Kissing anyone for the first time is terrifying (or at least it was to teenage me). You don't know if they'll like it, you don't know if you're any good at it.....so why on God's green Earth would you agree to do that on national television? Props to Heather though, she pulled it off like a veteran kisser.
She gets back to the house (where the girls have been debating whether or not she's coming back) and Elyse is getting dolled up like it's rose ceremony night. Heather tells the guys she got kissed, and that she's super excited that Colton wants to move forward with her, and Elyse just bounces. Just gets up and walks out the door while Heather keeps talking. Super rude, but I'll go out on a limb and guess Elyse isn't hear to make friends. Sydney says "she looked good though," which is so not a thing a guy would ever say.
The dress and bouncing out while all the other girls are in a central location makes me think Elyse is going to talk to Colton....and I'm right. Elyse starts by saying that "I think you could see that the last time we talked that I wasn't myself." Colton gives no indication that he agrees, but Elyse continues undeterred. Colton tries to explain to her that he's been in her situation and he knows what it's like, but Elyse has already made her mind up that she's out of here.
"I don't give up on relationships," says the guy who has broken up with 15 girls in the past month. "especially ones where I'm excited and see a future." Yeah, those are the ones I tend to try and keep going too, buddy.
Elyse is doing a terrible job of convincing me that she really is upset to be leaving. Her cry seems fake, she keeps covering her face to hide tears that aren't there....but of course Colton blames himself. "I've had people give up on me in the past," he moans. Don't worry buddy, there's 14 other girls that are waiting to whine to you about each other and your relationship with them.
Group date time....it's time to walk through the jungles of Thailand! They find the Thai Bear Grylls to show them how to survive. Joe finds all the craziest things in the jungle - bugs, eels, scorpions, snakes...... It looks sweaty as hell in this jungle. Joe splits them into three teams to find ways to survive, only one of which has Colton on it. Hannah, Hannah, and Demi form the greatest team in the history of any competition. They're the Golden State Warriors of reality television. They decide to "work smarter, not harder" so they find a cab and head to a hotel and grab some burgers and booze. This show isn't even trying anymore. Onyeka produces an empty handkerchief that she says has some bugs to eat in it, but conveniently drops the non-existent bugs. This date sucked. Tayshia is on Colton's team, and she decides they need to divide and conquer to survive, so she sends the other two girls to find food while her and Colton make out...only they don't go anywhere even close to far enough apart to make this plan make any sense. Why do you need to split up if you're going to kiss him in plain sight of the other girls anyways? God damnit this show doesn't even try half the time anymore. This whole date gets an F-. They can't even pretend that this is real anymore.
Cassie is the only one left and gets the second one-on-one. Heather grabs her one on one date, and then....touches Cassie's foot? What is that? Why is she caressing her foot? She's touching Cassie with more passion than she showed on her date with Colton! Maybe Heather's chyron should read "Never Been Kissed....BY A MAN."
Back at the group date after party, Colton tells Tayshia he liked the initiative she showed, and then -
Nevermind, nobody cares about that. I need to know what happened to Kirpa's chin. Did she slip and fall? Did she get punched? Did a monkey attack her? Did one of Elyse's seventeen curling irons burn her? I need to know!
Ok we're back. Hannah B. and Colton discuss the zombie apocalypse, and Colton states that if there was a zombie apocalypse, he'd want Miss Alabama by his side.
Next we get Onyeka saying that, before Elyse left she told her that Nicole wasn't here for the right reasons. Fuggin' Elyse man. What a terrible exit. Not only does she put on her "you're gonna miss this" dress, not only does she rudely interrupt Heather's first kiss story, NOT ONLY does she basically break up with Colton by saying that she likes him too much and that it's not fair that he likes her too and that's why they can't be together, she also decidess to tell the most irrationally confrontational girl in the house that one of the quietest contestants is a snake. Way to throw a grenade in the bunker, Elyse.
Fuck this.....this turns out to be a fake news situation. I feel like the show is trying to teach America that you can't always believe what you hear. In this situation, Onyeka plays the role of your MAGA loving uncle, who continues to post fake memes on Facebook about Hilary Clinton. Of course, when you present him with factual evidence that Hilary did not run a child sex ring out of a pizza parlor, he switches his argument to "Well, I still don't like that nasty woman!" which is exactly what Onyeka does. Now that she's been presented with a firsthand account that Nicole did not want to use the show to get out of Miami (who wants out of Miami? Isn't it like a desirable destination?), she starts talking about how Nicole cries all the time and she never liked her anyways.
Colton takes Cassie on....the exact same date he took Heather on? Well, minus the rocks and the greenery. They just basically make out on a boat. Do you think the boat driver is like "kill me now?" He just drives the boat around while two people dry hump like he isn't even there. Rough gig.
Back at the house, the girls discuss how much Colton likes Cassie. This date involves no talking and all kissing. Meanwhile the water taxi dude is probably still just sitting there listening to a podcast and watching them make out. He gives her the rose before they even discuss anything of any consequence. After the rose presentation, Cassie and Colton discuss the fact that they are at different points in their sexual lives. Cassie talks about how hard it is to tell some of her family members that she's not a virgin. This conversation makes no sense. She's asking Colton how he deals with being a virgin because she wants to know how to deal with not being a virgin? I'm so baffled by what is happening right now. How is this an actual discussion? Anyways....this competition to be the first to touch Colton's penis is just about wrapped up. Cassie is the clear frontrunner. How will they ever keep this show going for another five weeks?
Oh I know.....let's throw some drama in there and mess everything up! Kirpa's still there with her busted up chin...I really hope she explains that to him. Oneyka and Nicole continue their cold war over fake news that was either started by Elyse or completely misinterpreted by Onyeka, I'm not sure which. Nicole says he's not looking for an "Instagram Husband," and I'm instantly googling the term Instagram Husband. Apparently it's someone who takes pictures for his blogging wife. Nicole is doing a great job of stating her case...and then she just can't help herself and says that Onyeka is just not right for him and he could never be with her because of how Onyeka treats Nicole.
Onyeka tells Colton she would never call anyone mentally unstable, and then immediately we get a shot of Onyeka talking to the camera saying "I've never been called a bully - Nicole is literally a psycho." It's just.....too much. Either these people are dumb, or the show thinks we're dumb.
Now we're going to parse words about if calling someone mentally unstable is the same as saying that someone is emotionally unstable. This is such a microcosm of our society today, where we argue about the words used rather than the intent behind them.
Colton comes over to try to calm the situation down, but it doesn't help. They continue to argue. Onyeka says she's never said anything offensive to anyone, forgetting that she blew an air horn in Catherine's face and said Colton was drowning in bitches. Colton's over it and walks away. Onyeka FINALLY realizes that maybe her schtick isn't playing well and starts apologizing to Colton, who dismisses her and walks away. The girls wonder if Colton's about to call it quits. Because...what? That's an option? Just stop the show with 14 girls remaining and pick nobody?
TO BE CONTINUED...........
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