Bachelorette 2020 Week 5 - Upgrade!

 So I know I didn't blog last week, but you know what? Sort of a lot happened last week and it took me about six different tv watching sessions to get through the episode. Anyways, to recap - Clare decided Dale was the one, the guys were rightfully bitter that they quarantined for however long and then most of them never even really got to date her and the season was over. The only guy that really has any sort of a right to be upset here though is Jason, who actually got a one on one and was pretty honest and open with her and actually had a chance to develop a "relationship." 

Anyways, they bring in Tayshia and.....

Actually I'm gonna stop here and bring up the fact that quarantine rules seem pretty lax on this show. A few weeks ago we had Margaret Cho and Deanna Pappas just show up, and now they've got a whole new Bachelorette already COVID screened and quarantined and ready to go? How is that possible? I need to know more about this.

Ok so they bring in Tayshian and it seems like 95% of the guys are like "Clare Who?" within about 30 seconds. 

Good for them, but also it speaks to the nonsense of saying things like "I put my life on hold for her! I sacrificed so much for a chance with Clare!" Poppycock! You wanted to be on TV. Personality-wise, I'm not sure you could have two more different people than Clare and Tayshia, but we'll see how this goes.

Chris lets a few of the guys peacock for her...and I must say that I had no idea a few of these guys (was there an Ivan?) were still on the show. Then he blows the thing up by saying he's bringing some new guys on the show in a limo! 

Turtleneck Bro says "we got a whole ass limo out there!" I've never thought about half ass limos before, but that could be interesting. Spencer is the first guy out of the limo, and he seems like a ok guy...cracks a joke about who let Clare get away or something. The old guys are not finding the humor in more guys showing up. Also.....they had a whole stable of dudes ready to go? How long was the break between Clare leaving and Tayshia showing up? They made it seem like it was a day or two....but did these guys get two weeks with nothing to do at this resort waiting for Tayshia and these dudes to quarantine?

Also, remember back in 2019 when you heard someone had to quarantine and you thought they were radioactive or were in a plastic bubble or super secure facility?

Ivan (there is an Ivan!) says "this is the most excited I've been since I've been here" so.....not really there for Clare were you bud? 

Zac C. seems like he has no sense of humor. He reminds me of a guy that you'd crack an innocent joke about and he'd just stare at you and say "what are you trying to say? Why would you say that?" and make everything awkward. 

Tayshia has a rough moment when talking to Boy Band Kenny. He says that he's "books bands" and she says "oh so you're into the whole band and music thing?" That'd be like if she was talking to Tiger Woods who said he was playing in the Masters next week and she says "oh, so you're into golf?"

This show seems way too normal with Tayshia. Emotions aren't over the top, nobody is freaking out, it's like real life for now. I'm gonna need some drama before too long to keep my interest level up.

Then we get the upcoming scenes and we get this image:

Say no more! I'm all in.

And then we go back into Clare and Dale. 

They're so insane. Clare's crying about how much anxiety she had "pacing around the pool." She just wants a guy to walk around the pool...not just when she's in a ball gown, but when she's in yoga pants too! Ummm...she knows guys like yoga pants right? I just did an image search for yoga pants, and I decided against posting a gif because it felt....not appropriate. I mean, if you took a poll of 100 guys and asked them if they preferred a girl in a Disney Princess ball gown or a pair of yoga pants, the vote is at least 50/50 right? Just another example of Clare living in a fantasy world. She's talking about Dale being "vulnerable" on Instagram, and how she wants to have babies, and who knows what else. I'm not saying this is going to blow up spectacularly....but it could blow up spectacularly.

Group date time! We get like a shot of Tayshia coming out of the pool for the 1000th time. She then admonishes the guys for wearing shirts and tells them to 'take it off so I can see what we're working with.' All of a sudden, none of the guys seem to have a problem with playing strip pool basketball. Same group of guys, same situation where a Bachelorette asks them to wear hardly any clothing and compete for her affection, two weeks apart, and now it's not even a plot point. Tayshia decided that despite the guys are all speedo'ed up, she'll put on regular clothes again. What a mess.

Jason's still in his feelings for Clare which seems - genuine? I have a hard time believing anything is genuine on this show, but he seems like a real dude. Unlike Turtleneck Brendan, who says that getting the first one on one date gives him "validation." I don't believe that guy at all.

Zac and Tayshia have a real ridiculous conversation where they ask each other why they're single, which is an absurd question. Zac says he's single because he just hasn't found it yet....which, obviously. Tayshia on the other hand says that "there's no men where I live, just boys chasing things." Is Peter Pan her neighbor? 

Riley and Spencer keep up their feud that started in the pool. Riley says "back home we'd call you Lunchmeat because you talk a lot of shit." Lunchmeat talks shit? I'm not really sure Riley explained that name all that well. 

Tayshia tells Spencer she loves that he fought for her - you know because he got elbowed in the pool. Eazy gets the group date rose though, which honestly is a good call by her. He seems like a quality first date dude....it's gonna be fun, there's not gonna be any awkward silences.....don't know how well that translates to a full relationship though. Not saying it can't, but can he sustain that energy over years and years?

Jason mans up, admits his feelings for Clare, and honorably bows out of the competition. Good on you, Jason. Quality move right there. Jason seems like a real good dude.

Brendan's date is absurd. Horseback riding around the pool? Brendan also says "I was here for Clare, but you're actually more my style anyways." This show is so full of shit sometimes man. Hilarious. 

Chris Harrison hustling around the resort hocking beverages and snacks is pretty hilarious actually. He really needed to hop out of the pool with a snorkel offering bud lights or something. Tayshia so far has kissed Zac and Brendan.....who honestly seem like the two most BORING dudes there. I need to re-evaluate how I feel about Tayshia. She gives Eazy the rose on the group date, but she's kissing the boring ass dudes? What is happening?

Brendan and Tayshia bond over their failed marriages, he gets a rose, and they genuinely seem happy together, there are literal fireworks, and the episode is over. Hoping for more figurative fireworks next week!

Bachelorette 2020 Week 3: Hypocrites, All of You!

Normally, I write as I watch the show, but this week I decided to watch the entire show, then blog about it. This may mean fewer direct quotes from the episode, and maybe I forget a few key things, but it sure does save me some time. Let's see how this goes:

Time for the Yosef-Clare showdown! Remember when Riley got all up in arms about Yosef speaking for the group, because he's a grown ass man and can speak for himself? Well meet hypocrite one of the night, as Yosef, Harvard Bennett, and Riley have a conversation about how Yosef should speak up to Clare about the lack of respect she showed on the strip dodgeball date. Not going to handle this one yourself, Riley?

This is actually a pretty time-honored tactic on Bachelor shows - bunch of guys egg one guy on to address a problem they all have, knowing if it goes sideways he's gonna be the one getting the boot.

Well guess what? It goes sideways. Like Paul Giamatti, Thomas Hayden Church level sideways. Yosef starts out well, although I still think it's a bit disingenuous of him to say he was offended by her calling the guys out for not showing her more love on the first group date now, when he "tried to speak for the group" to apologize for their behavior in the moment. Anyways, he's pretty respectful, but then he drops the "oldest bachelorette in history," which....yikes. I don't think he was meaning it to sound as bad as it did, but at that point you could tell Clare was done listening to him, so he just went Yosemite Sam and emptied both barrels into her

So Yosef is here mansplaining classless behavior to Clare, Clare is in full "I'm a strong, independent woman, you can't tell me I'm wrong!" mode, and it just devolves from there. Yosef fires off a few "I would never strip on TV...what would my daughter think? Well, you had no problem showing off your "fresh out the shower" look for the camera's night one, Yosef! Also, is following a woman around yelling at her about how old and classless she is, attacking things you know she's self conscious about setting a good example for your daughter man? 

Anyways, this drama leads to our first "COCKTAIL PARTY IS CANCELLED!" moment of the season. Boo hoo. A bunch of guys you don't care about are let go.

All this, and we haven't had a date yet! Well, we still don't, as Clare decides to cancel a "fun day date" activity to have a smaller cocktail party with the guys. But psyche! it's not a cocktail party either! It's a "let me whisk Dale off to my bedroom and dry hump for an hour!" date. The guys - rightfully so - are a little annoyed. Eazy trots off to find them, and wanders in to a makeout session....awkward. A bunch of other one on one chats happen until Dale "accidentally" walks in on Clare with a dude. Clare immediately dismisses the poor sap, and makes out with Dale some more. More guys are upset.

One on One date with Zach J. Zach J is like a human dog. Seems nice, also probably gets confused every time he hears a phone ring on television, even though it's not his ringtone. He was baffled when Clare told him she liked getting pedicures to unwind....like he didn't know what a pedicure was, or that the idea of relaxing was so foreign to him his brain just shut down or something. Anyways, the rest of the date isn't important until Clare goes in for a kiss, but the slams on the brakes about two inches from Zach's lips. Zach, understandably, is confused. Clare takes his confusion as a sign of repulsion at the thought of kissing her, so she swears at him and walks away, refusing to talk about it with him. Zach tries to show her he's prepared to kiss her, and tries to pull her in for the kiss, but the moment is gone. Clare retreats to her room, cries while cuddling her dogs, Zach wanders around in a beach towel bewildered, then gets stood up at dinner until Clare sends Chris Harrison to dismiss him. 

My analysis of this: Clare is so in the tank for Dale that she's now inventing reasons to get rid of other guys. She decided to hesitate on the kiss to make Zach come the last 5% of the way to her. Zach wasn't expecting it and froze, and she now turned this into "he doesn't want to kiss me, I have to get rid of him." But then Clare-Bear takes it like 75 steps to far, imagining that he pulled away (he definitely didn't), then interpreting his trying to show her he wasn't against kissing her as him "aggressively grabbing her." Major Clare hypocrisy for touting her strength and "finding her voice" and all that all season, then sending out her pseudo-dad Chris Harrison to dump poor Zach. Rough break Zach, I hope you get to go to Pandemic Paradise, wherever they have that. Oh and Clare.....

On to the final group date of the night.....a roast! Clare encourages the guys to dish it out, because she loves a guy who can make her laugh and knows how to have fun. Margaret Cho is here (also DeAnna Pappas made an appearance), because apparently everyone's been quarantining for weeks to be trotted out for five minutes, and, so ABC can get Dale on this date, the rest of the guys will be in the audience to hear the roasting.

Most of the guys are a little jealous of Dale, so they go HAM on Dale. Particularly Bennett, whose jokes range from pretty funny to "not really a joke, just a mean comment." Anyways, Clare no longer thinks jokes are funny, and at one point calls Dale "my fiancé" to a producer. After the date, Clare continually cuts off guys talking about themselves or her to focus on their Dale jokes or comments, then hilariously tells all the guys she "didn't get what she needed from them" and refuses to give out the group date rose. Again, she refuses to give the guys room to grow their relationships with her, then admonishes them for not growing their relationship. 

I'll admit, I was pretty much expecting Clare to melt down and be a trainwreck as The Bachelorette, but I thought I'd enjoy it more than this. She just kinda sucks and has created her own reality about what is going on here, where her and Dale are  victims of some conspiracy to keep them apart. Thankfully it looks like Tayshia is going to emerge from some sort of underwater COVID free bunker in a bikini to get us back on track soon. Yippee!

COVID BaDalerette Week Two

Let's start this special Dale-centric episode of the Bachelorette with some famous Dales:

We start with a Romeo and Juliet montage of guys saying grandiose but generic love things, because really they don't know her....I mean some of these guys were in high school when she was on the show last time. But basically, it's blah, blah, blah, blah, let's get to Dale. He says some mumbojumbo about her spirit and her energy like she's a fucking poltergeist, but of course it's music to her ears. "I've never had guys talk to me like this before!" says the woman who has never been on a national TV show in a fake tower while guys on a stage are forced to say things to her. Oh Clare....so hot, and yet so dumb. She looks and acts like a woman half her age.

Next, the guys have to give her gifts. I'm trying to figure out why guys brought some of this stuff with them (the baseball from the last game they played in, chess pieces). I mean, yes they are important and significant, but would you bring the baseball from the last game you played on vacation? Hell no you wouldn't, that thing is priceless! 

But really, let's talk about Dale. He brought a bottle of dog cologne. NO. Dogs are not people. Dogs don't use deodorant or need perfume. They smell like dogs, and that's ok, because they are dogs. If I have one pet peeve, it's treating animals like humans. I love my dog, but I do not treat him like a human child. I call that guy a fucker three times a day and have no qualms about sequestering him in the bathroom with a baby gate if he gets hyper. He sleeps in a crate and eats dog food. 

Next we do blindfolded hugs. It makes sense for Clare to be blindfolded, but why are the guys? I mean...they know who they're hugging....no mystery there. Clare says she knows who a guy is because of how he smells. Some other dude that looks like a poor man's Colin Jost (I'm done with names at this point because I already don't care if they're not named Dale) perks up and says he's big on smell too. "My stepmother drilled into me at age 12 that boys are supposed to smell good and it isn't that hard to do." 

Well, if that ain't the creepiest thing ever said on this show. We tell Jonah to wear deodorant so he doesn't smell like a hobo, but we're drilling into him "don't smell bad," which I think is far different than encouraging your 12 year old to wear Joop or whatever the kids are wearing these days.

On to the actual date part of the night. Harvard guy makes sure to let her know he's a Harvard guy. Clare can't let go of the fact that the guys got a little awkward when she showed up. I mean, it is kind of strange when there's one girl in a group of 10 guys and all the guys are trying to hook up with her. So you know what? She's gonna cut Harvard guy off while he's talking to go lecture the guys for not showing her how awesome she was. "At the end of the day, I'm a woman," Clare says, as if that means anything. What's the alternative...at the end of the day, I'm a banana?"

Dale of course steps up and says his piece about how she's never gonna feel that way again as if he can promise that...but let's be honest....if she's gonna flip out over an awkward silence in a group, you're gonna have a real hard time not making her feel offended when you say "hang on let me finish this email," or "Hon can you move a little to the left? I can't see the TV." 

Then Riley and Yosef get into it because Yosef said "let me speak for the group," and Riley is a grown ass man that speaks for himself. Riley is being overly sensitive here, but Yosef is too insecure to just apologize and move on. Instead, he continues to explain why it's ok for him to speak for the group, even though he knows it bothers Riley. Testosterone man....it's a hell of a drug.

Clare then gives one of the guys her life's story, but she tells it like some sort of preacher telling the story of Jesus to his parishioners....eyes closed, head tilted towards the sky, every word is a thunderbolt from her soul. Nobody loves themselves some Clare more than Clare.

Some more guys let her preach her truth, with lots of "you go girl!" words of encouragement to her. Riley gets the date rose for dancing to an imaginary Boyz II men song with her and asking her what she wants in a husband. Honestly surprised that Dale didn't get it. The Dale Show is a bit derailed.

Yosef says that he thought Clare came off as hot headed and immature (true) and that she's not living up to who he thought she was. THIS IS EXACTLY WHO SHE IS DUDE.....do some research next time. This is like saying "I was really surprised at how mean Trump was...he's not living up to who I thought he was."

Jason gets the first one-on-one date, but before that, Clare gives him some homework: write a letter to your former self. Jason is not real keen on this idea, but he's gonna soldier through. Clare says that she's really funny and the first to crack jokes to make others feel comfortable....which is the exact opposite of how she responded to the awkward silence on her group date. Clare is bonkers. Attractive, but bonkers. She's the kind of girl that guys try to convince themselves that they can get past or tone down her emotional ups and downs, but then end up too far down the road to get out and just completely frustrated with the relationship.

They then write down their faults, which seems like the worst first date idea in history. "Hey, why don't you tell me everything bad about yourself before I know a single good thing." That's a big hole to dig yourself out of Jason. Clare then cries, reading a letter she wrote about things she already knows that happened twenty years ago. I guess I'm extremely thankful that there's nothing in my past that traumatic, because this seems so foreign to me. Jason reads his letter and then talks about himself like he's Bruce Banner and if you get him angry or make him feel too much, the Hulk is gonna show up and destroy everything. Once again, The Bachelor proves that if you allude to having demons but not really say anything other than "I've had a rough life emotionally" you are almost guaranteed a rose. Can't wait to hear Harvard Rob or whatever his name is say "I've had a step up on everyone since the day I was born, and my life has been awesome." No way you get a rose after saying that, even if it is true.

Then they burn the Juan Pablo dress, which  to me is kind of weird, because I thought it would symbolize to her the day she found her voice and to never let a man dictate her feelings to her again, but whatever. Way to turn a positive into a negative.

Group date time! Time to play dodgeball. You know those college football videos where they show the team their new jerseys and everyone goes nuts? This was like that, only way dorkier. The guys come in to some $4 tank tops and shorts that look like they were purchased at the Champion outlet store and the guys are clapping and acting excited to have these dorky jerseys.

Lucky for them, they won't have them on long, because Clare turns this into strip dodgeball. What is even happening? Blue team really couldn't wait to get those jerseys off as they get swept and have to get naked down to their matching blue jockstraps. A few guys go full monty, but at least one refuses to show his twig n' berries. Good on you bud, and shame on ABC for creating an environment where people feel pressured to show off their junk before they're ready to. Also, I don't find this entertaining to watch at all, and I'd feel super creepy if a dude made the ladies play strip dodgeball as well. What does Clare learn from this? That the guys she already knew were super fit are actually super fit? Is she gonna claim she's here to find love, but only if the guy is packing a security guard's flashlight in his pants? So bizarre.

Bearded rule breaker Blake is not happy being naked and alone, so he clothes himself up and returns to the fray. The guys are like shocked that he'd show such blatant disrespect for the rules. All the winners are pissed and decide to posse up to shame him out of his time with Clare. They basically want him to leave because they "won fair and square" and Clare basically tells them "get out of here, I got this." She then basically shoos Blake away. Apparently breaking the rules to talk to her is cool when nobody is telling her it's messed up. Now it's not as great to break the rules if Clare is gonna get criticism for rewarding it.

Brandon the real estate dude tries to get somewhere with Clare by saying she's beautiful, but she's like "tell me more about myself" and he's like "nah fam, that's all I know." and she's like "you didn't even watch my season?" and he's like "dude I told you were beautiful, I know you feel what I feel too!" And she's like "bro, you don't know what I think" and she kicks his ass out. Take note guys, if you can't tell how strong and smart and funny and outspoken she is, you're going the hell home. Then, she tells every guy there that she sent him home because she's been in superficial relationships before and that's not what she's here for, which means we're in store for a lot of over the top, grandiose statements about the content of Clare's character and the depth of her soul.....buckle up everyone!

Yosef now goes into how much he dislikes Clare, which....I guess that's his right. He doesn't HAVE to like Clare, and if he doesn't see her as someone he wants in his daughter's life, well then he's gotta go. This should be interesting.....

Clare then opens the cocktail party by talking about how much fun she had the watching the blue team get naked, but it was "all in good fun." About those superficial relationships she was mentioning.....

Keeping with the contradictory vibes, Clare then pulls rule breaker Blake away to tell him privately that she DOES like his rule breaking. Again, it's cool to break the rules, but not when Clare might be criticized for condoning it. Then she makes sure everyone knows she condones it by giving Blake a rose. So weird. 

Let's close with some Dale time. Clare tells Dale she has a gift for him.....and it's a blindfold. Is this some sort of heightened senses thing? I don't get putting a blindfold him when he knows you're going to kiss him. I also don't get why, if that makes kissing so much better and it's a gift that she seemed excited to give him, that he took it off so quickly. WTF is going on with this lady.

I guess the Yosef/Clare showdown will have to wait for another day. To be continued.......

COVID BACHELORETTE BLOG

 If there's a sign that maybe, just MAYBE, things are going to return to normal soon, it's that the mutha f'in Bachelorette is back on my screen. I can't overstate how excited I am to have Clare back on my TV. There may not be an "I" in Clare, but there fucking should be because she is constant drama and it's all about her 24/7. 

Now might be a good time to say that Clare is definitely in the top 3 all-time person/raccoon buddy relationships, joining Pocohontas and Buddy the Elf.

Clare is from Sacramento, which is probably the first city to ever be mentioned on the Bachelor franchise that nobody will ever say is "the perfect place to fall in love." Think of all the places in California you'd like to visit, and I'll bet Sacramento is way down the list. 

Ooooh, a Juan Pablo flashback! Man, I forgot how ruthless Juan Pablo was. "Hooo, I'm glad I didn't pick her!" he says as she reads him the riot act. To give you an idea of how long it's been since Clare was on The Bachelor, during that flashback I could just look at Clare's outfit and hairstyle and the whole setting of that scene and think "Wow, that's got a real mid-2010s vibe to it."

Does anyone dress like this anymore?

Actually nobody dresses like anything anymore. #thankscovid. I'm about to wear out my favorite pair of sweatpants, which is saying something....because sweatpants last forever. I mean, maybe the elastic wears out, but that's like 15 years down the road. Now we get the COVID recap from Clare.....which seems so outdated. We all went through the fear about hugging our moms and all that MONTHS ago. Bonus points for the dramatic "COVID may mean I never get to meet my husband." 

Now we get a contrived and very insincere "what if I have COVID?" pacing scene. I mean, we all know that this wouldn't be on TV if she tested positive before the season even started, so why put it in there months later? Surprise...no COVID!

 

Let's meet the men!

Demar is a spin cycle instructor, which.....is a profession that screams he's probably got a Soundcloud album he's trying to get noticed.

Before we really get any info on these guys, we see a quick montage of them checking into the hotel and starting the quarantine process while awaiting test results. They do all the hokey stuff like jumping on the bed and fake meditating, which I guess is funny if you've never seen the great Harland Williams movie Rocketman. Now that's how you make isolation funny. Low marks for the Harvard guy, who is definitely going to play the privileged white dude to the max. Then again, I think we're supposed to hate him, so he's doing his job.

I realize that a majority of my readership is probably women, so I may get a few eye rolls when I say this, but Clare is gorgeous. I mean, she's one of the prettiest people ever on this show. Sadly, she's also super emotional and crazy. I mean, she talks about how excited she is to meet a "smoking hot" man, and when Chris asks her how she's changed from the woman who got out of the limo on Juan Pablo's season, and she immediately says "you mean that girl who got out of the limo?" Clare honey, you were 33 years old. She then starts crying talking about her dad, which is basically what she was doing six years ago on the show, so maybe we're still that same girl who got out of the limo after all.

Clare says she can pick her husband out the second she meets him, which makes you wonder how she's 39 and single with a strong, documented history of picking completely awful men who treat her poorly. Maybe this is a new development from her, though the teasers leading into every commercial sure make me feel like she's blowing smoke up our butts with this talk of her newfound husband radar.

As they wait for the limos, Chris gives her a pep talk and says "hey, you showed up....you always do" and Clare I just about lost it. Chris is America's dad at this point right? I don't know who it was before, but it's definitely Chris Harrison now.

First out of the limo is Ben the Army Ranger. He's very soldier like - no emotion - and has them do a breathing exercise. I'm trying to think of any scenario where I'd meet someone for the first time and ask them to do a deep breath with me where they wouldn't be like "GTFO dude, you're creeping me out." Maybe if I was their therapist or something. Anyways, Clare is so horny she finds it refreshing.

Attorney Riley says she's guilty of looking beautiful. Seems like that kind of thing works for him. Works on Clare. Didn't work on me.

Zac forgot his K or his H. He's an addiction specialist. He seems forgettable.

Tall man in short pants wearing velvet shoes. His name's Jordan. Doesn't matter. His pants are borderline capris. Pass.

Jason is a football player, and I'd make a joke about him taking one too many shots to the head if that was still socially acceptable. He riffed on Clare faking a pregnancy on Juan Pablos season during her intro, which I'd completely forgotten about but makes total sense with her personality.

Ivan works his mom and a foreign language into his opener. Strong play.

Kenny the boy band manager looks like the kind of guy that acts like he's in the boy band himself. I'll bet Kenny was in a boy band in his younger days, only his band never made it out of the county fair circuit, and he always thought it was because he had a shitty manager, and not because of his own mediocre talent. Now, a decade later, he's probably got some spoiled punk kid who thinks he's Justin Bieber breathing down his neck and  he's like "these kids today just don't get it." 

Brendan the roofer looks way out of his element. 

Canadian Mike brought slippers.

Jeremy the Banker says he wants to make her laugh as much as possible, but everything about him is putting me to sleep.

And now for a new segment in the blog we'll call "If Andy was a Producer on The Bachelorette," where I tell you a scene I would've filmed.

You know how when your kid gets a gift card to Target and immediately demands you take them there even though they have no idea what they want and just start pulling the first toy they see off the shelf and trying to talk themselves into how much they love this toy and you have to beg them to put it down and keep looking, and then they see another toy that sucks even more, but since they've seen it more recently than the toy they just put down they HAVE to have it, and you do this like 14 times before you settle on a toy that they don't really want but you at least can live with it in your house? I feel like that's Clare with every guy that gets out of the limo. Anyways, here's the scene:

Clare: THIS is the guy
Chris Harrison: Ho-ho-hold on there, Clare-bear (remember, he's her dad). We've still got 15 guys to go.
Clare: I don't know, Chris, that guy was a BOY BAND MANAGER who screen printed my dogs onto the bodies of colonial times people. How can I not marry him?
Chris Harrison: Kevin seemed very nice....but you haven't met this guy yet. He's a commercial roofer.
Clare: Nope.....I want the boy band manager (she can't admit she wants the guy her dad likes).
*A fitness instructor gets out of the limo in Tyler Cameron tight pants*
Clare: Nevermind, you're right. THIS is the guy.

And scene.

Now we get to the stereotypical contestant section. West Virginia guy goes full West Virginian (all he was missing was a plug of tobaccy in his cheek), and then Harvard guy goes full Harvard. Short beard guy plays the best friend angle, we get an awkward guy of some ethnicity, we get a millennial named AJ that spouts some random fact about eye color that he probably got off a TikTok video, an Asian doctor, a Floridian named Robby for the 47th season in a row, and a flashy former athlete in a salmon suit who goes by "Eazy," and then straight jacket guy, suit of armor guy, parachute guy, and guy in a bubble. 

Hilariously, the guy who seems to think that there's a lot of guys there for the wrong reasons is former athlete who calls himself "Eazy." 

Up next is Dale, the handsome tall drink of water who is 8 years Clare's junior and another former football player. Clare's definitely found someone worthy of spending her Target gift card on. 

Clare's life is apparently a Netflix Original movie. She begins speaking about meeting Dale in hyperbolic terms and how everything got fuzzy in the background behind him while he's talking. She all but declares the competition done, and Dale the winner. Dale getting out of a limo is like Vince Carter in a dunk contest

Clare then addresses all the guys and almost breaks down talking about how she was so hopeful that today was the last day she'd have to wake up alone and how hard it is to have to be strong all the time. I'm not sure why she has to be strong, and why she doesn't have to be strong if she's in a relationship? That's a hell of a lot of pressure to put on yourself there Clare. 

Clare's dog Honey then makes an appearance, and I'm a sucker for dogs. Honey seems cool, and it'd almost be worth putting up with Clare's emotional roller coaster just to hang out with Honey.

Clare then admits she's never seen My Cousin Vinnie, which is kind of unbelievable for a person of her age. She also makes the bizarre statement that these guys are all here and sacrificed "so much" to make sure she finds love. Ummm.....they gave up a few months of quarantine for some time at a resort in Palm Springs? 

Uh oh....Yosef and West Virginia have a history. Apparently Yosef's been sliding into Tyler's female friend's DMs. Yosef tries to get ahead of the situation by pulling Clare aside, but Clare does maybe the first thing on this show that I agree with her about: She just calls them both together and cuts to the quick - Tyler says he saw a video that was "a masked message" whatever that means, and then Yosef says he has "more respect for himself" than to send a girl a message on IG or something. In any event, neither of those guys are going to win now. Nice job guys. Seems like it'd be easy to figure this out...you know, if Chris Harrison just broke out his phone.

Clare is so happy that Short Bearded guy "broke the rules" to ask her how she was doing during quarantine. Clare is so impressed that he was the only guy to do that. Um...maybe because it's AGAINST THE RULES? Anyways, Clare found a guy that was willing to risk his shot at pseudo-fame on the show to let her know that he cared about her as a person. I'm happy for her, and happy that she acknowledged that, because those are the right reasons. 

Then  of course she gives the first impression rose to Dale and makes out with him. Fuckin A Clare. Fuckin. A.

Rose Ceremony time! Guys are complaining about Tyler and Yosef and their five minute argument on a night that probably lasted 10 hours ruined their chances of spending time with Clare. I'm sure that was the problem and not all the time she spent making out with Dale.

Beardy gets the first rose...good for him! Do we call that the second impression rose? Salmon Suit Eazy, some guy named Ben, Riley the Lawyer, one of the Zac(k)(h)'s, one of the Tylers, Doctor Asian, dummy football player Jason, Demar the spin cycle instructor, Chasen with the big teeth, capri pants Jordan, Blake without the beard or chest hair, Boy Band Kenny, Brendan the roofer, a couple of guys dressed like lounge singers, Harvard douche, the other Zac(k)(h), straight jacket guy (c'mon Clare!), another random guy ro two, and now we're down to the last rose....and it goes to Yosef the Dad/Instagram Creep (allegedly). 

West Virginia might've wanted to keep his Instagram bomb in his buckskin trousers for a little while longer because he's gone, along with some tattooed guy named Page and a few other inconsequentials.

Wow...I'd kind of forgotten how long it takes to blog one of these episodes! Still, it felt good to get back to something that was part of pre-quarantine times. Looking forward to what drama Clare creates for herself next week!

Bachelorette 2019 Week One: Release the Beast

Remember when you were a kid, and that first day of summer vacation started? The excitement, the feeling that anything was possible, that you were definitely going to have the BEST. TIME. EVER.

Then reality hits and it's just hot as balls and you're mostly spending your time by yourself on the couch playing the same video games you played after school the week before and the only thing you know how to cook is boiling hot dogs in water so every lunch is exactly the same and about the time you hit the first of August, you find yourself thinking "damn, I kinda want summer to be over so I can go back to school."

That's me with this franchise. Every season, I'm thinking it's going to be amazing, then it ends up being largely the same as every other season, and about halfway through I'm looking forward to something else.

But hey, this year, we've got Hannah Beast! She's different right? I have my doubts that she's good for TV different, but we'll see.

The episode starts with a preview montage of the season. Some dude says "Hannah is about as real as it gets. She's not an actress, she's not a movie star...she's just a real girl looking for love." A real girl....that was MISS FREAKING ALABAMA USA. As unreal as it gets. I only know one other Miss Alabama USA, and guess what...she's not a real girl looking for love either. She's married to a former Heisman Trophy runner up and was the target of Brent Musberger's affection during the 2013 College Football National Championship Game.

So no...Miss Alabama USA is not "a real girl." It's like calling Damian Lillard "just a guy who plays basketball." From there we get Hannah asserting that these guys "know nothing about her," which backs up my claim that these douchenozzles think she is "just a real girl looking for love."

Then we get the recap of Hannah's journey from doofus who couldn't make a toast to Bachelorette. We get her talking to a group of six year old ballerinas telling them to always be a part of something that makes them happy.....because there's lots of six year olds out there that need that message. Think it would've hit harder with a group of 14 year olds in 4H or band or something, but whatever. She gives the self-deprecating "I'm a lot to handle, so it's gonna take a real man to handle me" speech as she cavorts on the beach in a bikini. Let's get to the guys, because that's the real interesting part of this show.

Nope..first we get Demi and Katie...also known as America's first two choices for Bachelorette. They have a real minor cameo, and we start with Tyler the dancing contractor. He likes riding on boats with his dog.

Next up is Peter the pilot. He is spontaneous and wants to get lunch in New Orleans.

Mike the Air Force Portfolio Manager is next. His great grandma is awesome. She reminds me of Mama Odie from The Princess and the Frog.

Joe the Box King is like the most Chicago man ever. He's basically Abe Froman in a different profession.

Matt Donald, the scarf wearing able eared farmer from a deaf family seems like a lot to handle.

Connor the baby faced car saleseman is like a Moderately Rich Asian.

Meathead Luke lets us know that he smashed a lot of women in college, but it didn't fulfill him. Thankfully he met God in the shower. This guy needs his own show. I'm fascinated by him.

ABC smartly shuts down the vignettes then, because you can't top that guy.

Here come the limos! Golf Pro Garrett is from Alabama as well, and wants to be her "Hole in One." Meh.

Air Force Mike gives her five words that start with C and then asks if she "got all that." Mama Odie would not be happy.

Jed from Nashville says his family told him to shine inside and outside, but he looks like he just crapped inside his pants he's so nervous. Jed's got some work to do.

Tyler the Dancing Contractor tells Hannah he had to fly all the way from Florida just to meet her and that he's "Got something in store" for her inside. I hate Tyler.

Dylan looks like an extra in a James Bond movie, but lacks all of 007's charisma.

Tall Connor from Texas jumps a fence, because we've gotta do that all the time now.

Devin is a talent manager. His ice breaker is to joke that he's a virgin. Devin sucks.

Jon Paul Jones is basically a poor man's MacGyver (the new one, not the good one), but with terrible interpersonal skills.

Nevermind, Math Teacher Brian has terrible interpersonal skills. Laughs uncontrollably.

Nevermind, Software Sales Scott has the WORST interpersonal skills. He might pass out if he stops talking.

Matteo fakes like he's nervous, but he seems like he knows what he's doing.

Daron walks the wrong way.

Creepy Eyed Tyler is uncomfortable to look at.

Tyler the former pro basketball player says this tops playing hoops internationally. Smooth.

Matt is a car bid spotter. He works in the same town as Moderately Rich Asian Connor. I hope they know each other.

A forklift brings a giant box. Hannah says "What's this? It's a big package....heyyyyyyyy!" She's adorable, I don't care what you think. Unfortunately inside the box is Joe, who apparently can only speak in box/package/container jokes. Joe sucks.

Joey brings a bottle of wine in a baby carrier. I don't get it.

Moderately Rich Asian Connor speaks French.

Ryan is on rollerblades and says "Roll Tide." Hunter the pro surfer wants help with his tie so they can "tie the knot." Unemployed Grant makes a sausage party joke filled with condiment puns. one dude brings a pizza. Shower Angel Luke was apparently on the After the Final Rose episode, but I've already forgotten him. I don't remember any of the guys from After the Final Rose...oh wait...the rapping guy. Hip Hop Cam has been in the lab y'all....he drops a Nick Saban reference in tonight's freestyle.

Matt Donald shows up on a tractor and sings a dorky version of "Old MacDonald." Props to the guys already in the house peeking around the corner getting all excited for the new guys ice breakers.

A couple of pilots show up - Peter and Chasen. That should be fun, as they both lost their perceived trump card.....side note...100 years from now, will Trump be a word that nobody can use anymore because of its negative connotations? Like how people can't say "call a spade a spade" anymore?

Back at the house, Hannah is praying to God to give her words to make her feel worthy and smart. Not a good start. She gives a decent speech about how she's not perfect and she's not expecting them to be...she just wants real.

Luke comes on strong and talks constantly. The next guy...I think Air Force Mike...lets her do most of the talking. I like his strategy better. Moderately Rich Asian plays minute to win it games at a dorky "Bachelorette Party" he puts together for her. I'm not sure that screams husband material, but maybe it's what Hannah likes. Another guy says he thinks Hannah just wants honesty...maybe because she said exactly that ten minutes ago.

Oh good, Katie and Demi are back in a surveillance van! This could be a great feature of the show...just have past cast members in a van drinking champagne and making snarky comments...or maybe just let me do it. That's like my dream job. Demi says someone reached out to her on social media to let her know that one of the guys had a girlfriend.....because that makes total sense to alert Demi to this potential problem.

Socially awkward Scott is apparently our dude with a secret girlfriend. I wonder what the benefit is to Scott to be the sacrificial lamb to get chewed out and dogged on national television to show the other guys that this is serious and she's not here to play games. Scott is basically a prop. How is this appearance beneficial to Scott in any way? Scott actually says "Was I dating girl up until Monday? Yes. Was she someone that I wanted to marry long term? No." So short term marriage then?

Scott tries to argue that she was just dating Colton, so it's basically the same thing....and he's gone. She walks him through the room with all the other men and basically commands him to follow her like a puppy. This was a little over the top, honestly. I think we could've done something a little more subtle to get the point across that Hannah needed guys to be open an honest with her.

Then we get a montage of guys assuring Hannah that they're so excited to be there for her. I'll guess a few of them will be proven to not be by the end of this. Shower Angel Luke gets the first impression rose, and I have no idea what to think anymore. Clearly Hannah and I are not compatible.

Other guys are sweating their incompatibility. But of course....they blame SCOTT.  Like when in college your buddy says he was "just about to seal the deal" with some girl, but then the cops showed up, or some other act of God intervened.


 Air Force Mike, Tall Connor, Matthew the Car Bid Spotter, Moderately Rich Asian Connor, Singin' Jed, Dustin (who looks like a chubby bearded Russell Wilson), Joey,  Devin the non-virgin, Pilot Pete, Dorky 007 Dylan, Matteo, Pizza Server Jonathan, one of the Tylers, the other Tyler with the creepy eyes, Daron, other Luke, Golf Pro Garrett, Unemployed Grant, Kevin, and Poor Man's MacGyver join Rappin' Cam in the winners circle.

Not sure I have a favorite, but I'm glad Shower Angel Luke is sticking around. He's got the most potential for absurd moments going forward!

Bachelorette 2018, Episode 2

You know you're in for a good episode when Chris Harrison shows up and says "let me give you guys some advice." His advice is always "The Bachelor/ette is not here to mess around, and s/he will send you guys/girls home if you don't bring it." It's always turns the insecurity index up to 100, and somebody will crack and it will be glorious television.

The first group date is wearing tuxes and pretending to get married. They get in a large dressing room and the guys try on tuxes while Becca awkwardly stands in the middle of a dozen guys in various states of undress and says "I don't know what to do!" Lincoln is like a six year old trapped in a very muscular adult's body. He's like all smiles and giggles and single syllable words. "We're with the beautiful princess Becca! What else could a man ask for?" he gushes....because every man's dream is to get dressed with ten or so guys he's never met while a woman awkwardly stands in the middle of the room peeking through her fingers. It's a real life fairy tale!

Rachel and Brian (who are engaged but without a wedding date set) are held up as a paragon of what can happen on this show. The ol' we haven't set a date yet reminds me of people who shop at Aaron's Rent-a-Center....you want the 60" TV, but you don't want to really drop the cash on it. Or the ladies who buy dresses and strategically tuck the tag inside the dress to make sure your friends and the fellas give you the reaction you crave.

Turns out that we're not doing a wedding theme -we're doing an obstacle course. Rachel says that obstacle courses are dirty and hard, and that's just like a relationship! Becca says she wants a guy that's not going to cut and run when things get tough. I'm not sure exactly if she's saying that guys that suck at obstacle courses are bad boyfriends, or if a guy isn't going to try at the obstacle course would suck as a boyfriend, but I like to think I'm an above average husband, and I've never done a Tough Mudder, so.......

Anyways, Lincoln makes it sound like God willed him to victory in this obstacle course. All of the other guys seem to think he cheated (WHICH IS WHAT A SIX YEAR OLD WOULD DO!) Lincoln then says that kissing Becca is like riding to the moon on the wings of pegasus while dancing with unicorns on a pot of gold. Listening to Lincoln talk is the worst. He's singlehandedly disproving my long standing belief that everything sounds better when said with a British accent.

Hey Lincoln.......

 Lincoln then continues to yap, at one point having a chat with the picture of him and Becca taken earlier in the day. The guys don't like it when he talks to them, and they really don't like it when he talks to inanimate objects. Connor's had enough and frisbees the picture into the pool. I'll bet Connor feels like a real man for tossing a picture into a pool. Oh to be 25 again. He's strutting around, Jordan the male model is telling him that the whole thing was "epic" and then Lincoln loses his damn mind and tells a group of grown men he can't fight them because his mom would kill him. HIS MOMMY WOULD BE MAD! He then says the picture his broken, and along with it his heart. It is 2018, right? Becca can upload the .jpeg to Walgreens and get him another one in 60 minutes or less. This is not like the time my brother tore up my Dominique Wilkins poster that I ordered out of a catalog.

#NeverForget

Lincoln then comes to his senses and asks Becca for another picture. When she asks why, he leaves out all the parts about him parading the picture in front of the guys and how he was talking to it like she was there, and says "I have no idea why Connor would smash the picture." This guy really is a child. Get him out of here.

Anyways, Jean Blanc gets the rose for basically being the only person not to be weird. To repeat, the colognoisseur was the least weird dude on the group date.

The next day, Lincoln is still crying about this damn picture. Let's get on with this one on one date. Blake gets the honor, and Becca says she has no idea what's going on, as Chris Harrison planned the date. The date involves Harrison handing them sledgehammers and coveralls, like they're mafia hitmen or something. They get to break all of Becca's memories of Arie, and Lil' Jon is there to narrate! I don't think there's anything I want more in life than for Lil' Jon to follow me around and narrate my day.

Blake won the lottery here....a fun date activity that he didn't plan is making him seem way more interesting and fun to Becca than he really is. He then goes on to say that he fell in love with a girl after two months, and then he found out she was breaking up with him by sneaking a peek at some texts on her phone from her friends. Just know that Blake will look at your phone when you're not next to it, Becca. Take that thing to the shower with you! Blake gets a rose and some smooches. Becca says that if every day involves Lil' Jon and a sledgehammer, Blake is DEFINITELY husband material.

Becca's dates so far have involved an obstacle course, smashing shit with a hammer, and dodgeball. I think it's pretty clear she likes athletes. A bunch of kid actors start yelling at the guys and flinging dodgeballs at them at a high rate of speed.

They then end with a dodgeball competition in a trampoline arena announced by Harrison and the reanimated corpse of Fred Willard. It's sort of sad to see Willard this old...he doesn't really have his fastball anymore. It's like when baseball teams have old-timers day, and a mid fifties Orel Hershiser is throwing 60 MPH pitches to a 50 lbs overweight Sandy Alomar. Nobody wants to see that, and yet we actually kind of do.

Long haired Leo wins this date in my opinion, single-handedly giving the pink team a chance to win. He really brought it home when he deadpanned "dodgeball success doesn't come from biceps or your legs, it comes from the heart, and I was the only guy on the pink team with any heart." It's funny because it's true.

Becca then has a talk with Wills, who gets emotional because someone he knows (I wasn't paying that close attention) had their 50th wedding anniversary. Becca likes it though, because she says "I'm glad I'm getting to know you better," which is code for "I now know you well enough to let you make out with me."

DRAMA ALERT! Colton hooked up with Tia from last season! He has a very well rehearsed statement ready for Becca that involves the line "the timing wasn't right for me to grow a spark into a flame." Smooth. He then claims that he thinks him and Becca could have the time to light a bonfire or some crap.....on a television show....where you'll have to propose within two months.

Clay then does some touchdown celebration with Becca where he gets to kiss his QB. The guy has zero emotion. He's about as vanilla as it gets.

Not vanilla, however, is Jordan. He's walking around in his undies and he's going to catch Becca's attention. The chicken guy gets interrupted, and then gets really bitchy. He feels disrespected. He's not going to let this go. He actually says something about how "There's a time and place to draw attention to yourself, and this wasn't it." THE GUY DRESSED AS A CHICKEN FOR AN ENTIRE NIGHT! David then tries to say that there is right and wrong and there's not gray area (as if this is actually how the world works) and Jordan responds by totally butchering the word ingenuity, while also using it incorrectly.

Back to Colton - Becca is again saying how bummed she is to find out Colton made out with Tia, but for about the 10th time makes sure to tell him how attracted she is to him. Every time she says it, you can tell he knows he's a little closer to being forgiven.

Colton ends up getting the final rose of the night (SHOCKER) and sent packing are three guys I've already forgotten. A dude named Alex who looks a little like a dorky Tom Brady breaks down in tears because he was hoping to find love.

Coming next week - we see why Colton just HAD to get the Tia thing off his chest, Jordan says his face IS professionality, and someone ends up on a stretcher. We're all led to believe that there was a fight, but most likely a dude slipped on the edge of the pool. DRAMA!

Bachelorette 2018 Episode 1: I'll Do the Damn Thing Whenever I Want, Becca!

Alright, so we're back. Memorial Day is a terrible time to kick the damn thing off, because everyone is off doing damn things all damn weekend, so by the time the damn kids go to bed and the damn show starts, everyone is exhausted in the damn bed. Damn you, ABC.....so we're watching on a Tuesday, and you can't do a damn thing about it.

We kick off with a reminder that Arie has his own wing in the douche bag hall of fame. It's right beyond the Hall of Car Salesmen and just above the Frat Bro Auditorium. Then we get to meet the girls who have won the damn thing: Kaitlyn, JoJo and Rachel all show off their engagement rings to prove to Becca than love is possible for someone in her situation. Of course none of them mention the fact that they all got engaged at least a year ago and none of the are actually married yet......

 .....But that's none of my business.


Anywho, they all talk about how great being The Bachelorette is, then burn some sage because the process sucks and they need to exorcise some demons or something. Kaitlyn, who is barely even recognizable from when she was on the show, says nothing the entire time other than "why are we waving a giant blunt around?" So glad she's here for that insight.

Then we get our little intros to the guys. This is a good time to mention that some occupations mean more than others. We can't tell much from you being an athlete - there have been some good ones (Jordan Rodgers, these two football playing guys this season) and there have been some bad ones (Josh Murray, Arie)....but one occupation always alerts us that this person is going to suck: MODEL. Courtney Robertson was the first that I remember, and God was she a lot to handle. Now we get Jordan the male model. He really doesn't have a choice, he has to be a nightmare. It was foretold to be his persona from the jump, and he really plays it to perfection. Saying that his shoes sound like the heartbeat of a proper gentleman and he wore a sharkskin suit to symbolize his elusive pursuit of his prey....just oh my god. I asked my wife if manners had any impact on heartbeat, and she said "If yours suck, my heartbeat gets faster, is that what you mean?" Also, predators are not elusive. They are the opposite of elusive. They try to catch shit, not get away from it, you moron. He's a real life Derek Zoolander, or he's doing a damn good impression for television. Either way, I hope he sticks around forever, because he's fun to watch...sort of like why you're following Donald Trump on Twitter.

Joe the Grocer seems like a fun guy, but a bad grocer. If you're chucking your tomatoes around willy nilly, nobody is going to buy them, bub. Also, he gets so nervous talking to Becca that he just cuts himself off and walks away. That's gotta be a first. Also, an unhealthy number of guys reference Arie in their walk-ups: wearing a racing suit or bringing a cardboard cutout just seems like a terrible idea. You don't want her brain making any sort of a connection between you and the guy who shredded her heart and humiliated her on national television, dudes. Those guys are shooting worse than the Houston Rockets from 3-point range in Game 7 of the Western Conference Finals.

Not a big fan of Jean Blanc, who says he wants to say something in French because he has a French name, and then proceeds to speak French as if it's the first time he's ever used the language.  Je ne parle pas beaucoup Francias, but I think I could've done a better job, dude.

I'm a big fan of Garrett, the minivan driving jokester. He's just out there having fun, not taking himself so seriously. Meanwhile, the guys talk about how great Becca looks. One guy can't think of anything to add to the conversation, so he says "the sparkles on her dress are great," as if that has anything to do with her as a person. You could put me in a $2,000 suit and I'd still be the same dude who watches The Bachelorette while eating popcorn and drinking Pepsi in the dark. By himself. Don't judge me.

You know who you can judge though? The dude who says he and his buddies have a handshake back home that involves two quick high fives (while saying "bop bop" and then kissing the hand of the person. I have never kissed my buddy's hand. Any of them. I'm judging you.

I'm also judging the guy who brings in a full choir and thinks that Uncle Gary is going to be impressed by them singing a song that starts "I've got a rose, you've got a rose." Uncle Gary has watched the show before, and he knows that the Bachelorette doesn't have a rose....she just hands them out. I hope that guy gets to meet Uncle Gary, and Uncle Gary shuns his ass. C'mon man.

Clay the football player decides the best way to get her to remember him, is to play with some Play D'oh, which he calls clay. They decide to make sculptures of each other, while Clay tells her that she was his favorite girl on Arie's season....which, duh dude. Can you imagine if Clay had said "my favorite girl was Bibiana, but I'm glad you're here."

Christon dunks over Becca, which.......is that something girls look for in a man? I think it probably had more of an effect on the guys, who look totally shook that this guy in slacks just hurdled a fully grown human and threw a basketball through a hoop. Guys hate it when another guy can do something they can't do.

I love Chris the choir director pulling two dudes he just met aside to ask for advice. Naturally, he grabs the guy who can dunk, because duh. Turns out, he knows Chase's ex girlfriend, who (SHOCKER!) doesn't have anything good to say about them. This should go well.

Chris confronts Chase and says "Danielle texted me dude, said you didn't have the truest intentions....." at which point Chase cuts him off and says "dude I dated her for like a month, I mean..."

Don't say it Chase

"you know...."

Don't say it!

"women."

Chase cooks own goose. News at eleven.

Chase continues to make a meal of himself by going to Becca and BRINGING CHRIS ALONG to talk things out. Surprisingly, she decides to send neither of them home, sending Jake the dude from Minnesota home instead.

Jake references a Christmas party and tells Becca he's had "a very transformative year." Which is code for "I know I was kind of a dick, but now I think you're being the dick for not giving me a chance to prove I'm not longer a dick, which makes me look like a dick again for saying that there's something wrong with you." Jake and Chase.....chefs specializing in mariniating in their own idiocy.

I love the guy who claims he got a Harry Potter tattoo because he was looking forward to protecting Becca's heart. A quick google search tells me that the actual spell is "Expecto Patronum" which conjures a patronus.....but again, I wouldn't have caught that in the moment, and clearly Becca didn't either. PLENTY of Harry Potter fans caught it on twitter though, and they are not letting it go:

Ok but it’s expecto patronum , not expecto patronus #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/WOarjmmdm2

— Kate Marks (@bambi0921) May 29, 2018

IT IS EXPECTO PATRONUM, NOT PATRONUS. I SPY A FAKE FAN. #thebachelorette pic.twitter.com/G5P2ykMn1L

— Bachelor Boyfriend (@TheBachelorBF) May 29, 2018

So I watched #TheBachlorette for the first time and I’m still livid about the fake Harry Potter fan who tried to impress the girl with an “expecto patronuS” tattoo. I’m equally mad at her for not calling it out??

— Meghna (@meghna266) May 29, 2018

Also, the book came out 19 years ago, the movie 14 years ago, and you got this tattoo when? You're impressing a girl with a decades old movie reference?

That being said, one time a girl was impressed that I knew who Audrey Hepburn was (or at least she pretended to be impressed)...so maybe that stuff does work.

Also, Becca gave the first impression rose to Minivan Garrett. Good choice Becca.

Rose ceremony time! Becca hands one out to Lincoln the weird pooper, Blake in the bad red jacket, Ricky, Jean Blanc the fake french dude, Christon the dunker (girls do like getting dunked on), Clay the Play D'oh guy, Mills (or maybe it's Wills), Conner, Jason, Sean, Ryan in the flower jacket, Alex, Nick, Trent, Colton the cystic fibrosis guy, Chicken man, Jordan the model, the Long haired guy that looks like Weird Al and Fabio's lovechild, and a couple other dudes. Honestly, these guys have done next to nothing to distinguish themselves from each other in my eyes.

Grocery Store Joe is going home, but other than that, good riddance to the rest of these jamokes. Kamil seems completely unconcerned that he lost a shot with Becca, but he's very upset that he got embarrassed and that a chicken man "beat" him.  Chase still thinks that the only reason he's going home is because Danielle texted Chris and not because he made a whole deal out of it trying to explain his way out of a non-issue.

Coming up this season - guys fall in love with Becca, Becca cries a lot, Arie gets referenced numerous times, Jordan face IS professionality, Colton is a virgin (maybe?), an ambulance, lots of kissing, camels, a seaplane, and DRAMA!
https:twitter.com/bambi0921/status/100127710766
https://twitter.com/bambi0921/status/10012771076647731

Bachelorette Season 13, Episode 3: Keep my Name OUT YO' MOUTH!

DeMario's back to try and angle for a spot on Bachelor Pad everyone...but really all I want to talk about is the fact that Rachel dated KEVIN DURANT.

So fellas, you think you're more interesting than me?

I mean, how do you handle that situation? You're competing with twenty or so dudes for Rachel's heart, but you also have to stack up to Kevin Freaking Durant? That's a lot of pressure. Too much for me, I know that. I would 100% be the guy that was always saying things like "yeah, but did Kevin Durant ever make you laugh like this?" or "how often did you have to just sit in the bleachers and wait for Kevin while he shot free throws after practice?" or "are you still on good enough terms with him to get us tickets?" I'd be gone in about thirty minutes.

DeMario tries to regain himself by saying things like "I told my Uber driver I was coming to get the girl of my dreams. And he told me to not take no for an answer." Well if your Uber driver said it.....seriously, are Uber drivers the new bartenders? People with absolutely no context on the situation that nonetheless are constantly solicited for affirmation and advice? Rachel shuts him down pretty hard, saying "you're a boy, I got me some men, good luck on your journey." Honestly, I hope that's the end of it. I guess congratulations are in order for Rachel for not dragging out this situation any longer than it needed to be.

The guys are effusive in their praise for Rachel's handling of the situation, with Adam saying that "she's not a fool, you can't pull the wool over her eyes..." except DeMario absolutely was pulling the wool over her eyes until his girlfriend blew up his spot.  I mean....that's not exactly what pulling the wool over someone's eyes means. (Later in the episode, Rachel will refer to DeMario as a wolf in sheep's clothing, which seems like she thought the wool was pulled over her own eyes.)

The Tickle-Monster has some comically large fake hands that work as a great conversation starter, but I feel like an easy Donald Trump joke was missed in there.

And now we're back to Blake vs. Whaboom. We're all still in agreement that neither of these guys are going to win right? So why are we investing any time in either of these goofballs. Rachel asks Whaboom why Blake is all mad at him, and Whaboom goes into some story about Blake licking a banana seductively over Lucas' bed while he sleeps. It seemed blatantly obvious to me that Lucas was making this story up to try and be funny, but everyone seemed to take it seriously, which....that guy is never serious. Why would we choose this story to be engaged in?

When Rachel asks Blake why Lucas is saying he stands over him while he sleeps and eats bananas, Blake says "well, that's clearly not true, I don't eat carbs." Yes, please refute the less creepy of the two accusations. Mercifully we get to a rose ceremony that will hopefully remove one or both of these guys from the equation and banana-gate will end here and now.

THEY'RE BOTH GONE!

 Oh wait no. We're going to get four minutes of them yelling at each other about they are ruining each other's lives in the driveway.  Neither of them really do themselves any favors, though I did laugh at Blake's "wakka wakka unhh unhh fart joke" blast....albeit mostly because I just felt sad for him.

Group date number one is a trip to see Ellen DeGeneres....which then turns into guys without shirts dancing for dollars with the Ellen Show crowd. WHY? WHY ARE WE DOING THIS? This does not give anyone any insight into who would make the best husband....and can you imagine if the Bachelor took his ladies to the Howard Stern show or something and had them dance in bikinis while a bunch of men shoved dollar bills in their pants? I mean, I get that the fact that these people are attractive and are in great shape is a key component of this show, but c'mon.

They then play "Never Have I Ever" with Ellen, which goes about how you think it would, except for the fact that Fred is awesome. Fred is sick and tired of being told that he "was a bad kid," which I totally get. I mean, when I was a kid, I was....well nevermind, I'm exactly the same. But the point is that Fred hasn't done anything since he's been on the show to give anyone the impression he's an attention hog or interested in causing a ruckus. Give the man the benefit of the doubt, Rach!

....And then we get a montage of Fred saying how anxious and impatient he is to kiss her, and I'm dreading this is going to go horribly wrong.  Fred than asks if he can kiss her, and she's not feeling it. Fred gets super excited about it, and Rachel has nothing to say about it...until she calls him to the side and kicks him off. Adding insult to injury, Rachel says that "it was like a little boy kissing me." Holy crap I feel terrible for Fred. He generally seems like a good dude. A little harsh of Rachel to hold the rose the whole time she's kicking him off the show.

Fred says "I can honestly say that I was falling in love with her." HOW? I mean, at what point did she give him any impression she was interested in him? I guess it depends on what "falling in love" means. I suppose the older you are, the easier it is to determine what love is. In 3rd Grade, I think I convinced myself that I was in love with the girl who knew exactly when to say "Stop! Hammertime" in MC Hammer's "U Can't Touch This." However, I think even at that young age, I knew that she didn't feel my ability to sing along with Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" was nearly as cool, and as such I admired her from a non-creepy distance (at least I think it was non-creepy.) I think my final answer is that love is not a one-sided emotion, but I'd be curious to see what other people think about this.

What is love?

Meanwhile, Rachel went on a whole date with Anthony that involved riding horses down Rodeo Drive. They rode them into stores, fed the horses cupcakes, and one of the horses pooped. Anthony got the rose. This date was super boring.

Group date involves other girls that were dumped by Nick (Raven, Alexis, Corinne, Jasmine) getting some more screen time, and random women at a country bar screaming things like "show me your junk" and "let me see that butt," while the men mud wrestle. Raven is all over finding out who the other guys don't think is right for Rachel, which is a good question to ask other women, but when you ask a guy, they're going to hear "which dude do you not get along with?" Eric seems to rub the guys the wrong way, and Lee and Bryce both jump at the chance to throw him under the bus.

Rachel, of course, is all too willing to let Eric know exactly which guys talked behind his back. Add this to the growing list of things I don't like about Rachel:

• Use of the term "keeping it 100."
• Talking to the camera about how the guys need to step it up because of the accelerated journey, then telling them that she's "not about to rush things with any of them."\

Ok, so it's a short list so far, but it seems to get longer with every episode.

Lee has a very condescending conversation with Eric, where he continues to tell Eric how much he loves him while simultaneously questioning everything that comes out of his mouth. Lee is annoying, but I get why Eric rubs everyone the wrong way. He's one of those people that is just so serious it seems like he can't actually be that serious and is just acting serious.

Iggy apparently also has an issue with Eric, and uses his time with Rachel to tell her about their argument, which I think had something to do with Eric wondering how seriously Rachel was taking this process. Now, props to Iggy for immediately searching out Eric and giving him the heads up.

Rachel then goes after Eric, and tells him that she believes him, but she also has to take into account what the other people are saying so she's "got her antenna up."

Amazingly, Eric disregards this warning from Rachel altogether and immediately calls a group meeting to start yelling at people. All he's gotta do is lay low, shrug it off and wait to get a little more one-on-one time with Rachel.  Instead, he starts yelling.  Unbelievable. He's gonna be the first person to get a rose yanked, and I can't really say that he'd have anyone to blame but himself.

TO BE CONTINUED

Bachelorette Season 13, Week 2: BBQ, Babies, Barkfest and Basketball

Happy Memorial Day, America! Please take a moment to remember all those who lost their lives so that we could have a TV show where a woman dates 30 men at the same time, kisses about half of them, sleeps with three to five, and then gets engaged to one before dumping him and dating six more guys in Mexico next summer.  God bless you all.

Rachel's gimpy dog is a good metaphor for the guys on this show: They're good looking, happy, and will follow Rachel anywhere, but there's just something not quite right about them.

The first group date involves a cookout with drinks in fancy copper cups. Whaboom Lucas is wearing some sunglasses that look like he got them for twenty skee-ball tickets at Bullwinkles. He continues to be as annoying as possible.

Oh look, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are here! Apparently Ashton's Netflix show isn't doing well, and Bad Mom's 2 isn't getting off the ground.  The guys are freaking out about changing a diaper like they're disarming an IED in Kandahar. "Anything for Rachel!" Iggy gushes.  Changing your hypothetical wife's fake baby's diaper is not exactly what Meatloaf had in mind when he said that he would do "anything for love." At least I don't think so.

Rachel says she's looking for a guy that can handle everyday things that may come up in their life. These everyday things include two mega-celebrities putting them through an obstacle course involving changing the diaper on a doll, unclogging two different drains, vacuuming while wearing a baby on your chest, and setting the dinner table and making sure "it matches." I have no idea it means to match a dinner table, Ashton Kutcher.

Furthermore, this whole obstacle course thing is bullshit. NO WIFE WANTS A HUSBAND THAT CUTS CORNERS AND DOES CHORES THE FASTEST. If you do one little thing wrong or out of order, you're just creating more work for your wife. You all fail.

Also, there is far too much baby-spiking going on. Dolls are hitting the ground left and right.  That's not funny. Nobody thinks it's funny to harm a fake baby. It's like throwing darts at a picture of the Pope - you just don't do it.

Lucas gets his one-on-one time first, and he really tones down the whaboominess.  He even reads her a terrible poem that includes the word "entile." Blake has had enough of Lucas, and of course he's had an "encounter" with Lucas before. I'm wondering if that had to do with Blake losing a girl to Lucas because he's a stick in the mud, and Lucas is entertaining.

Turns out, Blake lives with Lucas' ex-girlfriend. I'm not sure that telling Rachel this was Blake's best strategy. If she's looking for husband material, a dude who is roommates with another girl is probably not the best candidate. I want to make a joke about this girl being Whaboomed, but I can't form anything coherent. And don't you think little interviews with ex-girlfriends of the contestants would be a gold mine? I'd love it if a guy was talking to Rachel and said "I really love giving massages" followed immediately by a smash-cut to his ex-girlfriend saying "that guy NEVER gave me a massage. He would rub my back for five seconds and then kiss me on the head and roll over and go to sleep."

Peter's date involves a private jet to Palm Springs for a dog party. A PARTY FOR DOGS. Rachel refers to her dog Copper as her "dog child." I'm respectful of people who love their pets. I get it. Dogs are awesome. I just don't get it when you treat a dog like a person. Throwing a birthday party for a dog....I'm ok with that. Any excuse to have other people over for a BBQ or a party is fine with me, but when you invite other dogs and put hats on them and sing happy birthday and bake your dog a cake...that's too much. That's the kind of people I felt were at "Barkfest." There's a pool for dogs. There's a photobooth - for dogs. Rachel leaves her "dog child" unattended in a swimming pool while she schmoozes with Pete....not very motherly. Also, the dog's cast has sequins, and I hate everything now.

Having a gap in your teeth adds character? At first I thought this was a ridiculous thing to say, but taking a step back, as someone with premature gray hair that never thought about dyeing it because it wouldn't be me, I can kinda get on board with this. These gap-toothed people have their heads on straight. Pete's my new front-runner.

Kareem Abdul Jabaar is here for the group date! This is a man who was named a cultural ambassador for the United States! This show can truly make anyone act like an idiot. You'll be surprised to learn that most of these guys are terrible at basketball. The only guy who has even a little bit of game is DeMario, and his team lost.  This is a bad sign for him. When you're the best player out there and you can't pull your team to a win in a game against other chumps....this does not speak well to your character.

Speaking of game, however, it turns out DeMario had a girlfriend right up until he went on the Bachelorette! Hilarity ensues when DeMario sees his ex and immediately recognizes her and says "ohhhh who is this?" He's not fooling anyone. He then tries to downplay the relationship, but his ex is having none of it. She's ready to swear "on her father's grave" that DeMario never dumped her. The most important thing to DeMario is not Rachel right now. It's his image.

Then we get Rachel telling us how she's "keeping it 100" and this isn't a game for her. The guys, rather than being thrilled that a guy who looked like a front runner twenty minutes ago just sabotaged himself, instead are acting like they're pissed off DeMario lied to them. I don't get how this makes sense, but ok. Rachel talks about how she needs to look past the charm and see what these guys true character is, then gives Josiah the rose after he gives like the schmooziest charmy smarm speech about how much it hurts him to see her hurting. It hurts me to see you act like this, Rachel.

DeMario's back! He's hanging out in the street begging for another chance, but it's still about restoring his character. You've gotta admire the lengths he's willing to go to try to come off looking good in this situation. It's also pretty cute that the guys don't think security and Rachel can handle DeMario without their assistance.

TO BE CONTINUED

Bachelorette Season Twelve, Episode 6: Living in a Post-Chadpocalyptic World

It doesn't happen very often, but every once in a while something comes before Bachelor Nation for me.  Last night, that thing was a Los Angeles Angels baseball game on ESPN.  I generally don't like missing opportunities to watch Mike Trout do things like this.  I haven't even fired up the DVR yet, and I'm already missing Chad.  But thankfully, a new episode of the show means no more Chris Harrison tweeting about soccer.  He's the worst.  Look at some of these tweets!

Ok #BachelorNation let's turn our love and attention to team #USA @ussoccer #Copa #USAvARG I believe!

— Chris Harrison (@chrisbharrison) June 21, 2016

We're starting out alright here......

US winner in pk's after a 1-1 tie RT @kdashtillman: @chrisbharrison @ussoccer what's your prediction Chris?

— Chris Harrison (@chrisbharrison) June 21, 2016

Nice....predicting a win! He believes!

@chrisbharrison @ussoccer Only if we get a drunk #DianaMurphy to hand out the trophy. #USGA

— Tygerttg (@Tygerttg) June 23, 2016

Uh....I get that he's trying to be funny, but he sure sounds like he's backing out on his bold prediction of a U.S. upset pretty quickly.

Buckle up kids it's gonna be a bumpy ride @ussoccer #Messi putting on a clinic!!! World class rip

— Chris Harrison (@chrisbharrison) June 22, 2016

Alright, so maybe he didn't believe so much......

No words #Messi  now we pray for the run rule #USAvARG

— Chris Harrison (@chrisbharrison) June 22, 2016

Jesus dude...we get it.  We're not as good as Argentina.

All @ussoccer players care about now is who gets Messi's jersey after the game

— Chris Harrison (@chrisbharrison) June 22, 2016

OK man, shut the hell up now.  This wasn't the 1992 Dream Team playing Angola in the Tournament of the Americas.  But what's even better was how quickly he turned on Argentina when they struggled against Chile in the finals:

These two great teams are a joke right now. Including Messi RT @MatthewKnese: @chrisbharrison ref a joke

— Chris Harrison (@chrisbharrison) June 27, 2016

A JOKE!

Alright, let's finally get into this episode:

We start with a trip to Argentina, where JoJo tells us that Buenos Aires is the perfect place to fall in love.  Harrison tells us that, for the first time in history, we are going to have a second two-on-one date.  The guys of course freak out.  Redneck Vanilla Ice is all "on the two-on-one, someone goes home immediately after the date," as if nobody has ever seen the show before.  I guess on the off chance that some random person just turned on a show that's been on the air for 20 years for the very first time tonight, that was helpful.  Thanks, Ice.  Someone else quips that two-on-one's are "no mas....not good."  Nope...that's not what no mas means, buddy.  Good try though.

Wells gets our first date, and lets all the other guys know that he hasn't kissed her yet.  All the guys react more or less like people in the crowd at an and-1 tour basketball game when someone gets dunked on. We then get nearly everyone involved in the show telling us that Wells HAS to kiss her immediately to get it out of the way or the pressure will be so immense that the sheer weight of the moment will crush him and he'll never be able to live up to the expectations in JoJo's mind.  Nevermind the fact that Wells hasn't had a one-on-one date yet to really get the chance to get her alone.....I think the only time he did have a chance was when he was possibly suffering from heat stroke after the firefighter date.

Anyways, their date involves wandering the streets of Buenos Aires and not kissing, until they end up at something called Brute Force, which is like basically some 15 year old kids wet dream.  It involves hot women in skimpy clothes soaking wet and writhing around, followed by starring in your own action movie where you get shot, but everyone else dies.  What the hell was that?  You're running on a treadmill, you get fake shot, but then the ladies you pass on the street are the ones that collapse?  Other countries are weird.  I wonder what we do here in America for entertainment that the rest of the world thinks is just crazy.....my vote is for themed running events.  Like you can't run in our race unless you wear a mustache, or are being chased by zombies, or some other strange thing.  I get that a ton of people love to run, but it's like the water of exercise....you should never pay for it.

Anyways, Wells finally gets his kiss when he gets his chance to be a woman in skimpy clothes soaking wet and writhing around with JoJo.  JoJo is so proud of him for kissing her, and it looks like the guys were right.  He missed his window.  Further compounding the problem at dinner, Wells says that his last relationship fizzled and it got to the point that he was more or less living with his best friend.  JoJo says "I think that the person that I marry, that passion will always be there.  Like no matter how long we're together, I'm going to look at him and say "he's still the hottest guy in the world to me."  Jesus, I hope my wife never thought that.  Our ten year anniversary is coming up, so I took a stroll through memory lane looking at pictures of our wedding, and no joke my first reaction (after saying "who the hell are some of these people and why did we invite them to our wedding?") was "damn, I really thought I looked much better on that day than I actually did." Again, this is a good reminder to not base your relationships on the advice of a 24 year old girl on a reality show.  Nonetheless, she's still got pie in the sky hopes for her relationship, and Wells is much more of a realist.  Plus he's kind of a prude.  So he's gone.  And with that, my favorite remaining guy is toast.

Group date time.  The group date involves playing soccer on the streets of Argentina.  James spends the entire time talking about how much better looking the other guys are, and how much of a dork he is and on and on and on and on.  How he's not cool like them....how he doesn't feel like he deserves to be there.....how he can't compare to any of them.  It was really pathetic to listen to actually.  Then, he gets some alone time with JoJo, and lays out that Jordan acted like a dick in a game of poker.  When JoJo presses him for more details, he just kinda says "ya know...he's Jordan Rodgers.  He's on magazines (what magazine is that?), he's the be-all-end-all.' and then mumbles a lot until he says "gosh you're pretty, can I kiss you now?"  If you have to ask, you don't deserve it man.  This lack of confidence thing is killing me.

JoJo wants to get to the bottom of this, so she calls Jordan aside and says "James told me you were acting entitled during a poker game...what's up/"  Jordan's a little taken aback, and frankly so am I.  Have we ever had the Bachelorette or Bachelor straight up roll over on their informant like that?  Also, there's gotta be footage of this poker game, right?  One of the other guys had to be in the room, right?  Where's their commentary on the incident?  Where's the grainy security cam feed?  C'mon ABC!

In the end, Redneck Ice gets the rose.  It really wasn't in doubt....JoJo was pretty much giving him a handy through his jeans during their one-on-one portion.  All the while, Redneck Ice is stream of consciousness talking about moments and being with her makes him happy that he doesn't care if it's only five minutes a week and how its crazy that the two of them found each other on a reality show and I don't even know why he's still talking since she's running her hand up his groin.......She's already accepted your offer dude, stop trying to persuade her!

Finally we get our two-on-one between Chase and Derek.  Chase and Derek both suck, so this is a toss up.  Chase is just kind of that guy that never really does anything to distinguish himself, and Derek is that guy who thinks the other guys are too macho and he's the sensitive one that understands her better than any other guy ever could, and just has an insanely inflated view of himself, but thinks it's OK because he masks it in a quiet, calm demeanor.

They go to a tango dancing lesson, and really all I want in my life is that dance instructor say "yes!" over my shoulder all day while I do daily activities.  With her accent, it sounds like "jess....jess!" and she sounds so goddamned sincere in her praise for their bad dancing, it's no wonder Derek thinks he's nailing it.  I swear to God if she followed me around while I mowed the lawn, my grass would be immaculate all the time.  "jess Andeee, zat is muy bueno!"

In the end, JoJo has only one rose to give, and she gives it to Chase, which was the right decision, because he wouldn't have cried in the van like that ninny Derek!  As some Madonna wannabe sings "Don't Cry for Me Argentina," Derek says stupid things like "Obviously Chase is more her type, and that's why he got the rose," and "that's not me...I'm just Derek, and Derek is imperfect" as tears run down his cheek and he scolds himself for crying.  I'll bet when he walked into his office this morning, everyone who watched the show just bit their lip and muttered "Don't cry" to him as he passes their desk.  What a moron.

Finally we get to the cocktail party, where Jordan tells JoJo his intent is to propose to her at the end of the season, which of course she eats up.  James knows he's in trouble now....and launches into another round of "I'm not worthy" comments.  Take your crappy arm tattoo and your guitar and go, James.

JoJo gives roses to Jordan, and Robby, who join Redneck Ice and Chase as safe....leaving Alex, who really didn't get a chance to go full arrogant short man now that Chad is gone, and James "I'm not Worthy" Taylor.  JoJo has a fake panic attack and demands another rose.  She claims it's because she's too conflicted to send one home, but in reality this had to happen because we have another show to fill before hometowns and Well's one-on-one departure created a one dude shortage that the producers must've not anticipated.  I mean, they even made JoJo go to a concert by herself that she was supposed to hit up with Wells.  At least I finally got an answer to my question about if the elaborate nightcap to dates get used even if the guy doesn't get  rose.

Oh, and I still miss Chad