Bachelor 2019, Week 5: Colton's Been Warned (again, and again, and again.....)

We pick up where we left off - with Colton walking down the beach. I've never seen a guy who handled confrontation so poorly. Every time the girls get grouchy with each other and look to him to settle the dispute and he has to head off by himself and the producers have to send out the Bat-Signal to scramble Chris Harrison from wherever he is to talk him down.

Onyeka and Nicole keep their silly feud up, with Onyeka saying the classic line "nobody here can say that I bullied them....except for you." Onyeka then proceeds to interrupt and talk over Nicole, all the while proclaiming innocence in this spat. She's awful. Nicole's not much better. Colton is a dummy.

Rose ceremony time! Colton talks about how emotional and hard it is for him to hear two girls argue about something that doesn't even involve him. How hard it is to get rid of two girls he's barely given a minute of time to when he's got a dozen or so other girls he clearly likes more just waiting to comfort him. C'mon son.

As if there was any doubt, Onyeka and Nicole are sent home as the last rose goes to Sydney. Nicole, as is her way, cries on the way out. I don't know if it's telling or not, but Nicole hugs all the girls and says goodbye and Onyeka just bounces without so much as a wave. I think we know who the girls sided with in this argument.

Next stop Vietnam! Let's get Colton's selfie vlog for the week. The sheer number of cuts in this forty-five second video makes me think it probably took him twenty minutes to get out four coherent sentences. The girls take a tour of the resort and oooh and ahh at all the things that look exactly like the last resort they stayed at. And look, I get that everyone has the urge to yell "Good morning, Vietnam!" but it's one of those jokes that you know is gonna be stupid before you say it. Also, I'd be willing to bet none of those girls have seen a move that came out before they were all born. I haven't seen the movie. It's never on TV, and it's not in the Redbox. I'd say 75 to 80% of the viewers haven't seen the movie, and probably don't know what that line is from.

Hannah G gets the first one on one of the week and they make out wrapped up in seaweed. They make out in mud. They make out in a shower. It's like a PG-13 version of a Dr. Seuss book.

Would you could you in a shrub? Would you, could you in a tub? Try it, Try it, and you'll see!
Say, I do like Hannah G. And I will kiss her in a bush. And I will touch her perfect tush!

If Colton likes you, he's gonna make out with you. If he wants to be your gay best friend, he'll talk to you about why he's a virgin. End of story.

Hannah asks him what his favorite part of the day was, and she can't even finish her sentence before he blurts out "the shower!" God, what a child. Hannah does the best she can to keep him from getting too excited, calmly saying "I like showering too."

Hannah then tells her story of her parents divorce, and how she knew it was over when her mom drove across the lawn that her dad mowed three times a week.......which then leads Colton to say he doesn't talk about his parents divorce much either. You know who doesn't talk about their parents divorce much?

This is gonna blow your mind

EVERYONE!

Seriously.....my parents got divorced when I was around ten. It sucked. It sucks for everyone involved, every single time. You know how often that comes up? NEVER. Nobody wants to hear about it, nobody wants to relive that, and almost always everyone ends up just fine in the end and you realize that it's probably for the best that the marriage ended when it did. So don't act like you're more ready for marriage because your parents got divorced.

The group date starts with Colton fighting off a couple of Vietnamese ninjas. Ah yes, the group date where we teach a bunch of emotional girls to punch, then have them practice on each other and act shocked when someone takes it too far or someone gets hurt.

Up first is Heather and Sydney, who shriek and hug each other for a couple minutes. Hannah B. and Cassie go next, and it's not much better. Honestly, I'm shocked they didn't make Hannah and Caelyn punch each other for old times sake. Finally, Demi and Katie duke it out. Katie is here to win and punches Demi in the face a couple times. Demi is not pleased. She basically curls up in a ball and curses the heavens that this happened to her. Colton looks like having girls fight is not a sexy as he thought it'd be. He cancels the rest of the fights, which I think was a strategic play to make sure Caelyn and Tayshia didn't get their pretty faces bruised. Colton says "I wanted this to be fun for everyone." Really? Who thinks punching each other is fun in a competitive setting? Nobody wants to get beat in front of a guy that can dump you based on the results of your stupid boxing match.

I love that as they walk away from the Vietnamese dojo, Demi is holding the trophy. Of course Colton gives the trophy to the worst participant. That's so on point for him.

Tayshia and Colton talk about their relationship in broad generalities that never really get to what they actually feel. Tayshia says she doesn't know how she's feeling, but it's because she's been burned before and she wants Colton to have that curiosity about her as well. Colton says he likes her because she's calming and he looks forward to these moments every week and he wants to know more about her everytime he sees her because he's never dated this many women before. They kiss and apparently they're both good now.

Katie gets her one on one time, and she cries about how she doesn't want Colton to think she's not trying. Colton says he likes seeing her doubt herself because.....I'm not sure why. Something about different sides of her and how seeing someone be neurotic and self conscious makes him get a clearer picture of who she is.

Up next is Hannah B., who decides not to show Colton a different side. She just shows him her teeth and crazy eyes and giggles a lot. Her days are numbered I think. They then do a ninja stick competition, which pisses Sydney off. Sydney is not a play with a stick kind of girl. She's serious and mature, and she wants Colton to know that.

She goes straight in on Colton basically saying "I would rather be doing this on a one on one date, but god damnit you haven't given me a one-on-one date and I need to know why!" Colton responds by saying "I'm just not that into you" without actually saying it. It was a masterful sidestep really.

Demi calls her mom, who is out of jail with Colton. This is apparently her ploy to show him a different side of her. But when you're on speaker phone with your boyfriend and you have to tell your mom you're proud of her for making it through jail and that you "know she's being a good girl," does that actually help him picture a life with you down the road? To me, it says "holy buckets, this girl's mom was in jail....and not for the first time!" That's a hard hurdle to overcome when you've got plenty of attractive, smart women who don't have felons for mothers you can date. I think this was the first mistake Demi has made.

Tayshia and Sydney continue to chide the other girls for having fun and giggling. Love is serious apparently, and you're enjoying your time you clearly aren't there for the right reasons. Sydney then goes back to Colton and asks for more attention from him. Colton really REALLY hates being questioned, and bristles at the fact that Sydney isn't appreciative of his methods. Then Sydney goes further, saying he's been making easy decisions with his roses and his date choices - basically saying he's a horny dumbass distracted by big boobs and shiny lights. Sydney then basically dumps him, saying this isn't working for her. Colton says he's upset, but doesn't really say why. I'm sure Sydney thinks it's because she's leaving, but I think it's because she called him shallow....she even says "Don't get distracted by shiny things" as she leaves! I mean, it would just be easier to just say "Tayshia. You should pick Tayshia."

Colton then gives a speech to the other women about how Sydney leaving made him think about how much more he can give to all of the remaining women. IMMEDIATELY, he gives the rose to Tayshia, which seems to be the opposite message from what he just said. Whatever dude, you do you.

Kirpa gets the final date of the week, and miraculously, her chin is completely healed. No mark whatsoever. It's been what, a week since she got stitched up? I call shenanigans. Colton then takes a girl on a boat ride for the third date in the last four. At least on this one, there's an activity.....diving for urchins! They catch one urchin, then get back on the boat. There's very little making out. Usually not a good sign with this guy.

Kirpa opens up about her previous engagement. They were together for eight years! He was saving himself for marriage despite being with the same woman for eight years! Kirpa is 26. She was with the same dude from high school on for eight years, they got engaged, and they didn't have sex, and then they broke up before getting married? HOW ARE YOU WITH SOMEONE FOR EIGHT YEARS AND BREAK UP BEFORE GETTING MARRIED? This just blows my mind. At no point in eight years did you reach a point where you thought "maybe this guy isn't the one" and then you get engaged and now figure it out?

Here are my options for how this went down:

1. She cheated on him, and that's what caused the engagement to be called off.
2. She made some very poor decisions in high school.
3. She started dating the kid next door when she was 10, they got "engaged" in middle school, then broke up after high school.
4. This relationship started normally enough....maybe when she's a junior in high school. They broke up a year ago, Kirpa was way past ready to have sex, and went crazy for a year or so before ending up on the Bachelor.

She then says that she doesn't want to get engaged again unless she's sure it's the right person, but tells Colton that she feels like she'd be open to getting engaged next month if things keep progressing as they are. She says this without smiling and with barely any eye contact. I don't believe her.

Demi's decided it's time to have sex with CoCo as she calls him. This is either going to be amazing for her or completely backfire.

It backfires immediately. Colton sits her down on the couch and tells her she's not the one and it's not going to happen and sends her home. Holy hell. I mean, I knew he wasn't going to pick the tiny sexpot with the felon mom and the outgoing personality, but I didn't think he'd just cut her straight off before a rose ceremony. Honestly, this is the best thing that could've happened to Demi though. She instantly went from the crazy villain to a sympathetic girl from a broken home who just got dumped. People will love her now, and she'll be a sneaky dark horse candidate for Bachelorette.

Rose Ceremony time! Colton skips the cocktail party, sending Chris Harrison to tell the ladies so that they can appropriately freak out. In the end, it comes down to Katie and Heather. He gives the rose to Heather. Katie doesn't seem pleased. The conversation he had with Katie definitely made it seem like he was looking forward to continuing the journey with her. She's not having it. She tells Colton that she wished she got more time with him. Colton says he was excited about her, but she didn't "let him in." Katie then tells him the same thing Sydney did: "be smart about the girls who are left."

Colton then amazingly says that he dumped Demi because he thought Sydney was talking about her, and implies that he dumped Katie because he thought Demi was warning him about her. Now he doesn't know who Katie's talking about. So he does what Colton does...Immediately tells the group what some girl just told him privately. Bizarrely, Tayshia turns to Kirpa and says "let's take this thing. It's going to be the two of us at the end. I can feel it." OK...........

Then we get previews of Colton jumping the fence, girls crying, Colton crying....it's all very strange. Maybe we'll get answers next week, but I sort of doubt it. They've got a lot of mileage out of this fence jumping thing, seems like a Week 9 sort of thing.