Bachelor 29, Week....WHO CARES HE JUMPED THE FENCE!

Colton's in Portugal! He's here to get down to business, as he shows up with his duffel bag and heads straight to his hotel room. Totally reminded me of that love kit that Kenny "Special K" Fisher toted around with him in Can't Hardly Wait.

Tayshia is up first. She's gonna get first crack at taking his V-card. They start with a helicopter ride to have a picnic on a rock overlooking the ocean. The nerves on this date are off the charts. They basically have small talk ("Thank you for bringing me on this date!" "It's easy when you're just being yourself." "I thought your hometown went really well.")

And then they have some weird sex talk about how his jeans are too tight and how she knows how to loosen them up and oh my god this is going to be excruciating.  Are we gonna go through two hours of ridiculous sexual innuendo?

Dinner conversation focuses on Tayshia's boobs. Colton can't stop staring as she makes sure to let us all know her boobie tape isn't doing it's job. Colton kisses her and then tells her "thank you" for some random reason. Then her boob pops out and she says "that was a nip slip" and Colton says "I saw that one!"

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE.

Can you imagine having to spend all dinner talking about how important having sex is and making constant references to your virginity? What an awkward meal. Tayshia then lets everyone know that her husband cheated on her after 18 months of marriage. She says that her husband was "the first person she had sex with" but definitely did not say he was "the only" person. Colton then tells her that "if it's us" he will never cheat on her.

I can't get over this.......he's definitely going to have sex with two other women this week right? So basically "I'll never cheat on you, but just hold on a sec while I sex up these two blonde chicks. Then I'm all yours."

This is SO uncomfortable to watch. He pops some champagne emphatically, which was definitely not a metaphor for anything. Then he leads her through the suite, pausing to admire the bathtub ringed by candles and full of bubbles that they didn't set up themselves. I wonder what the producers were thinking as they drew that bath....."I'm totally in Portugal running a bath to set the mood for this dude to lose his virginity. My job is the best!"

The morning after there's a lot of hand holding and furtive glances, but I kind of get the idea that no sex was had. Confirmed. No sex. Colton couldn't handle it. Not that I blame him....that's a hell of a lot of pressure for Colton to deal with. MILLIONS OF PEOPLE set their DVR to see if you had sex for the first time. What a mindfuck that is.

Cassie gets her turn. They drive a convertible around Portugal. They eat at an outdoor cafe. They buy matching pjs at a store. They walk down a cobblestone street and make out in front of a street band. They make out in an alleyway that looks like it definitely needs a high speed car chase.

Instead they just make out against the wall of a building. We come back from commercial break, and now they're on top of a building making out. Time for another picnic!

On this picnic they discuss that Cassie's dad did not give Colton his blessing to marry her. She's a little miffed....like she had no idea that this happened. Colton, after all season talking about how important getting a father's blessing was to him, tells Cassie that it has no bearing on his feelings about her or their relationship. Cassie is shook. She doesn't know how to handle this situation. I don't remember perfectly, but did Cassie's dad outright say no? Or did he just say "take some time before you do this," which is essentially what Tayshia's dad said when he told them that you "can't microwave a relationship."

What seems clear to me is that there will be no sex in this fantasy suite either. Cassie's going to be thinking about her disapproving father the entire time, and that won't be a good situation for anyone.

Cassie's dad is in Portugal! Now there's definitely no sex being had. He's here to explain his lack of a blessing. He asks her point blank if she's in love with him, and Cassie's answer is "I think so. Yes. I don't know." Aaaaaaaaaaand Cassie's got her exit strategy. Props to Cassie's dad for playing the "no daughter of mine is going to make an irrational decision about the rest of her life" role to let his daughter save face from having to look like a monster who's been leading Colton on.

Dad's final advice is "just be brutally honest with him." Fantastic. Colton will totally understand that.

Colton's plan 100% is to have sex with Cassie. Oh dear. Cassie drops the "my dad was here today" bomb, and Colton's penis goes full turtle mode. You can see the "I'm not losing my virginity tonight" realization hit him like a Randy Johnson fastball. He can't get out of the way, he's just gotta wear it. Colton asks if she's planning on leaving, and she says yes. Then she says "Like I wonder if I would've been sure by now....I don't know." That's not even remotely a coherent thought. Then, she just up and walks out.

I feel for you Colton, I really do. You had a plan, you tried to stick to that plan despite everyone warning you that your plan had a major flaw in that the girl didn't love you, and then it blew up in your face. Colton tries to salvage the relationship by saying "I'm OK with being patient. I don't want to lose you." Cassie's now gotta just lower the "I'm never going to love you" boom on him as gently as possible. I don't think she's going to be able to do it gently.

Colton is now basically telling her it's been her since Thailand and that he doesn't really care about the other women. He's pretty much begging her to love him back, and she's just like "I'm so conflicted, this is gonna be over in two weeks!" Colton says "I want it to be you, engagement or not," and Cassie responds "How can you say that with two other girls here?" and the look Colton gives her is freaking priceless. It's basically "Goddamnit ABC, this is your fucking fault. I would've dumped them all a month ago." Of course, Cassie should understand this as well, that he's gotta go through the motions to make the show last ten episodes.

They then embrace, as Cassie stares STRAIGHT INTO THE CAMERA. Best moment ever on this show. It was a look that was equal parts "I feel terrible about what I'm doing to this guy" and "did you get the shot?"


Cassie says "I can't do this" and Colton says "I don't care if you leave, I'm not going to stop fighting for you," followed almost immediately by "So that's it," and getting up and walking away.

What Colton really meant was "I'll never stop fighting for you...so long as we're both sitting on this couch."

And....he's gone. Fence jump achieved. Ace tracker Chris Harrison is called in to bring him back. He hears a dog barking and says "well a dog is barking over there" followed by six dudes just running aimlessly around in the dark yelling "Colton!" over and over like the family dog just got loose. Just....incredible. Nobody wants the women tell all tomorrow night. Push that shit to next week and give me more Chris Harrison and some producers with flashlights in Portugal.