I'd like to think that that The Bachelor doesn't play favorites or intentionally try to ensure someone's total destruction, but damned if ABC isn't trying with Hannah B. Last week she clearly dominated the pirate competition only to see Caelynn advance to the final round. This week, we start off with Chris Harrison calling Hannah "Caelynn." Damn...that's cold, Chris. After watching it a few times, I'm fairly certain he did this on purpose. Chris doesn't make mistakes - he makes TV magic. Usually he just drops vague "you really need to impress Colton this week" pep talks to try and unnerve the entire gaggle of ladies, but directly tweaking one of them is next level.
No time to dwell on it though, you ladies have one hour to pack for a location that The Bachelor has never been to before. The girls act all excited, but c'mon....if the show hasn't been there in 37 seasons of filming The Bachelor/ette, it can't be THAT cool. I mean - they've been to some pretty dumpy places (remember Ft. Lauderdale during Arie's season??) that they apparently thought were better locations than wherever they're going.
It's Singapore. The girls begin to freak out and hug like Trump just got impeached. I mean, this is some pretty serious jubilation here for a place I'm guessing maybe one or two of the ladies could locate on a map. I mean, what do you know about Singapore? I don't think I could tell you one concrete fact about Singapore other than it's in Asia. Honest to God, I don't know if it's a city or a country. Turns out it's both (wikipedia describes it as a "city-state.") I mean, I guess that's somewhat cool to travel to a place you know next to nothing about and would probably never visit otherwise. I know I had zero intentions of ever setting foot in Wisconsin until I started dating a girl from America's Dairyland, but damn if it isn't a super cool place with some great people and a diet consisting of all of my favorite foods.
You know who else knows nothing about Singapore? Colton. He introduces us to the city by saying "Singapore is amazing....it's got the lights, the buildings....it's definitely a really cool place!"
Lights and buildings. No other place in the world has those things Colton. This is how I describe Albany actually. "I dunno, it's got some lights and buildings and stuff. It's a city."
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| What's Singapore got? |
They stumble upon a bungee jump tower, and Colton is amped to try it because he was never able to do anything dangerous because of his "professional career." Just our weekly reminder that he played football, you guys. He was on the practice squad of four teams (the Chargers twice) over two seasons. This guy gave up bungee jumping and sex for football and got about as close as you can get without ever playing in an actual NFL game. I mean....that's gotta be hard. I remember a guy in high school striking out after fouling off about 10 pitches and coming back to the dugout and absolutely losing his shit. What always stood out to me was him yelling "all that work for NOTHING!" I imagine Colton did something like this times 100 when he realized playing in the NFL wasn't going to happen for him, and he did it every day for the better part of a year.
The bungee jump is pretty boring as far as bungee jumps go, with the only real drama being Tayshia jumping feet first off the tower, which led to the rope snapping her whole body downward like the end of a violent whip. I saw her life flash before my eyes. I was convinced that rope was gonna wrap around her neck or she was gonna get whiplash or something tragic. It was terrifying. She was fine though.
At dinner, she drops her tragic backstory. She was married, and it didn't work out. She does say "being a Christian woman you think you're only going to get married once," as if Jewish women or any other type of person is like "I'm definitely planning on doing this a couple times." Hilariously, she ends this conversation by saying "when I do get married again, I'm going to make sure it's amazing." Those Christian women...they only get married once, unless it's twice. But definitely only twice.
The Group Date is somehow less interesting than the one on one, despite there being thirteen girls on the date. Hannah B. is in her head because Caelynn got the one on one. Of course she did....The Bachelor is making sure to get Hannah as bent out of shape as possible. Demi makes Colton piggy back her around the city like a human rickshaw. They sample some of the local culture on the date...letting leeches grab onto them. They sample some street food.They find a fortune teller or something that tells Colton that him and Cassie were siblings in a past life. Line of the night goes to Colton for saying "oh, that's not what you wanna hear!"
Things get super weird at the evening portion of the date as Courtney whines that Colton hasn't paid any attention to her all night. Demi tells him that she needs to just go find him and talk to him. Seems like good, friendly advice. Courtney of course does the opposite, saying that she's gonna be patient. Demi, frustrated by Courtney's inaction, decides to go talk to Colton herself. NOW Courtney decides it's time to talk to him. Of course Colton has somehow vanished from the premises, so Courtney finds only Demi, and gives her a piece of her mind. She tells Demi she's immature, rude, trying to "play God" and saying "sometimes you don't think." Courtney's condescension is so thick you could use it as a blanket. Demi is understandably pissed. Demi gets the last laugh as Colton gives her the rose for the night.
Caelynn's date is basically the "Pretty Woman" date, where Colton uses ABC's money to buy her a bajillion clothes and shoes. I'd make jokes about her, but she just told an absolutely horrific story about being date raped. That was tough. We are in this weird space in this country where I feel like anything I say (even something supportive of her bravery and strength) about this will be seen as insensitive or offensive by someone, so we'll just move on.
Demi decides to go to Colton and make her beef with Courtney public after Courtney throws some very overt shade at her. Hannah and Caelynn bury the hatchet (for now) and Colton does what he does best.....tell Courtney exactly what Demi said about her. This leads to another fight that Demi completely dominates....she's now crushed Tracy and Courtney in back to back weeks. Ultimately, Courtney finds out that Colton not seeking her out on the group date really did mean something, as she's sent packing along with Tracy. Demi is pitching a perfect game right now. Of course, Demi being Demi, she can't just let it go....saying "Ding Dong, the bitch is dead" and acting like Courtney would still be her if she'd just taken her advice as if Colton's decision wasn't already made by him not seeking her out on the date. Demi's ego will 100% be her downfall at some point here in the next few weeks. She could just continue to play the super seductive crazy lady and probably confuse Colton into proposing to her, but something tells me she'll mess it up.
Tune in next week when Elyse walks six miles for an unknown reason and Colton angry walks down the beach! So much walking!
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