Who is Arie you ask? The second most famous person named Arie Luyendyk. Arie Sr. is a two time Indy 500 winner. Arie Jr. sucks at kissing and reality shows. I'll bet his dad is always like "you know, I didn't need ABC to hook me up to date 25 women at a time son. Step your game up."
We get a recap of Arie's first go round on this show, which is a good reminder that Emily Maynard was the absolute WORST at breaking up with people. It was basically sit them down and then start crying and don't say anything. Then the guy would be like "welp I'm out" and then she'd say "don't go, why you gotta be like that?" EVERY TIME. It was just as painful five years later.
Oh by the way, it's been five years since Arie was on the show. If you've been on this show in the last five years and got passed over for the Kissing Bandit, you have nobody to blame but yourself. A half decade of dudes weren't good enough to get picked over this jamoke. Even after getting dumped by Emily, he flew to her house and left his journal on her doorstep. In any other situation, an ex-boyfriend leaving his (probably heavily edited) love journal on the doorstep of your house where your young child lives is probably grounds for a restraining order.
Arie has apparently moved on from his brief stalker phase, and is now in real estate...which means he borrowed some money from his dad and bought some houses....news flash, it's going well for Arie.
After some very generic advice from Sean and Catherine (basically be yourself, be respectful, don't forget you're 36 and way too old be acting like a horny college kid), we get to meet some ladies!
Chelsea is 29 and from Portland, Maine. She's a single mom. As she makes a healthy meal for her young son, she wants a man who is going to teach her toddler to be a good dad. The next shot is of her at a bar drinking hooch with her girlfriends. Looking for a guy to be the parent so she can reclaim the years she lost being a single mom. Got it.
Caroline is 26 and has sold $5M in real estate in under a year, which apparently means she's really good at her job. Zillow says the Ft. Lauderdale market sucks, so maybe she is good at her job. Or maybe she sold one $5M house to like a rich friend of her parents as a favor. Who knows. She awkwardly strokes the head the baby of a couple of clients. If my realtor touched my infant, I'd think about getting a new realtor, but that's just me. Again, maybe they’re friends, and she pressured them into buying a house so she could seem successful. I am super skeptical of everyone on a reality show.
Maquel has a weird name and is from Utah. She's also 13 years younger than Arie...so good luck. She'll stick around for a while because she's pretty attractive, but if I'm stereotyping a young cute blond from a small city in Utah, I'm guessing she's led a fairly sheltered life.
Up next is a skydiving nurse from South Carolina named Nysha who loves getting gunshot victims because "the more blood the better." She looks like she weighs about 87 pounds. I don't see her and Arie being compatible.
Remember Raven from Bachelor in Paradise? Well, apparently they couldn't get her to come back on, so they got her best friend Tia from small-town Arkansas to come on and play the small town southern belle on the show. She likes to shoot guns and farm and stuff.
Kendall from Los Angeles likes dead animals (she collects taxidermy) and plays the ukulele. She also wears tight pants and crop tops. Avoid at all costs, Arie.
Up next is Bekah, who is basically a cross between Mary Poppins, Tinkerbell, and your next door neighbor from back home. She's a nanny who is also a badass rock climber. America is already in love with this lady. She'll end up getting dumped on a 2 on 1 most likely and will get a very lengthy segment on After the Final Rose where she will get a bigger ovation than whomever Arie picks.
Up next is Marikh who likes to spar with pink gloves in public places. She also "owns" an Indian restaurant with her mom. Her mom is sweating over a hot stove while Marikh just hangs out in a cute dress and distracts her mom from the meal she's preparing. I don't like Marikh.
Krystal is an online fitness coach. She sets up a camera and goes through a workout by herself on a beach. Being an online fitness coach looks super lonely and kinda sad. Even sadder though, her brother is homeless and doesn't want her help, so she gives healthy snacks to other homeless people. Krystal's life seems exhausting and sad. I hope things work out for her, but it probably won't be on this show.
Limo time! One of the girls tells the others that "one of us could LITERALLY be engaged to Arie." The word literally is literally overused. My son has adopted the word literally into his daily vocabulary, and so now every time I hear someone use it in a place that it doesn't really need to be used, I think "that's something a fourth grade boy would say."
The limos show up, and there's lots of screaming and "he's such a stud" comments.
Super realtor Caroline does a decent ice breaker with the "we're both realtors and maybe at the end of this we'll both be off the market" joke. It goes over well.
Chelsea the single mom comes out and goes super serious and says "there's a lot to get to know," but doesn't really elaborate. It was sorta ominous.
Kendall the taxidermy lover is next and is so nervous she can't even be weird. That was not a good intro.
New to the show Sienne is next. Her favorite animal is an elephant, so she gives him elephant cufflinks and tells him elephants represent loyalty and are a symbol of good luck. Plus they never forget! I love stuff like this. Say Arie just doesn't really like her, or isn't super into the animal symbolism. Is he now obligated to wear some weird themed cufflinks that mean nothing to him? If he doesn't come find her later, or forgets her name, is she going to be like "God Damnit! Elephants never forget! How come he couldn't remember me?" I've already turned Sienne into "Weird Elephant Lady" in my mind. I hope every episode has a clip of her telling Arie or the other girls some random facts about elephants.
Next is
Bibiana is up next. She's got an accent and goes with a lame "you have my heart racing," gag. She is a bundle of nervous energy as she gushes to the camera about how her babies will have blue eyes like Arie and yada yada yada. I like her. She's my favorite so far.
Bri from Portland, Oregon is up next. She tosses him a softball because she used to play softball and is also a sports reporter. She covers the Ducks from Comcast Sports Northwest, so I'm not sure if I'm allowed to like her or not.
Things start moving pretty quick from there. One girl slaps a "nice butt" bumper sticker on his ass and says "you don't put a bumper sticker on a ferrari, but why not an Arie?"
Krystal the super emotional fitness coach makes him close his eyes and place his hands on his heart and give thanks for the moment. Krystal is exhausting.
Chelsea the single mom says that "the hair is down and the boobs are out." She laments that every girl is gorgeous and that she "wants to feel insecure, but there's not threat." Chelsea is 100% insecure of her mom bod. Chill out, Chelsea. She's not gonna last long.
America's sweetheart Bekah isn't content owning the hearts of 85% of America, so she shows up in a 1965 Mustang convertible and captures the other 15%. Bekah is killing it. This show could be wrapped up by the second hour tonight.
Jenna shows up and says that she's "actually pretty happy with hour her life is going." Good sign, I guess. She then does a lot of hand motions and gestures to explain that she is missing a big strong man in her life. Jenna commands your attention. The other girls are going to hate her.
Jessica is a TV host and apparently acts like it even when she's not on local television at 6 am. Super perky, gives Arie a rock and acts like it's the coolest rock ever. Jessica is super high energy.
Becca makes Arie get down on one knee and ask her if she's ready to "do the damn thing." Well I missed that question in the fantasy league this week. Damnit Becca. I can't be mad at her though, she's pretty fun. I like her.
There's still a whole limo to go? Goodness. The first of the Laurens (there's always a handful of Laurens) shows up and is fun. Then another Lauren shows up and looks like she's about 40 years old. She kinda looks like Diane Sawyer. A third Lauren who is also blonde shows up. Fortunately the fourth Lauren is black and will not be mixed up with Diane Sawyer Lauren or the two young blonde Laurens.
Ashley gives him a checkered flag and there's some "finish line" jokes. Arie dryly remarks to himself that the race car jokes crack him up. I love that a majority of America thinks that making the most obvious joke or commenting about the most well known thing about a person is the way to win them over. It'd be like someone trying to impress me by commenting on my lovely white head of hair. I get it, I'm young to have the same hair color as Santa. You will not be guaranteed a second date by comparing me to Santa.
Spray Tan Amber says "she's seen a lot of dicks." Ali makes him smell her armpits. Some girl wearing a mask (because Arie was the kissing bandit, duh) shows up obviously not really 100% on board with being dubbed the mask girl. Does she wear it all night, or reveal her face during their one on one time?
Maquel shows up in an Indy Car, but she's not even driving it! She's like a passenger in the back seat like a damn kid. Maquel is going to be a frequent target of my snarky comments I think.
Bekah finally gives America a reason to maybe question their love for her a little bit as she rolls her eyes and says "I'm not concerned with these other girls at all" as she seductively swirls her whiskey and takes a healthy swig. Actually who am I kidding, this makes her even more awesome.
TV host Jessica makes the second "literally" comment, saying she "literally couldn't stop staring" at Arie. Jessica does not get a rose from me.
Finally the introductions are over as all 29 women are in the house. 29! Why do we have so many? It just means that we don't get to know most of them. I think the show would be better with 20 women max, but nobody asks me....at least not yet.
Single mom Chelsea steals the first one on one time. She refers to herself as mysterious. Who describes themselves as mysterious? She's interrupted by Maquel, and Chelsea is "not surprised" because "of course the girl that shows up in a race car would interrupt me." She refers to Maquel as the girl who makes all the noise," and LITERALLY (see what I did there?) no other girl has any clue who she's talking about.
Indian Marikh says that she was super nervous, but once she saw Arie she was "instantly calm." I don't think that's how it's supposed to work.
Some girl whose name I think is Brittany "low key" has a surprise for him. I don't think that's how you use that term correctly. Anyways, her low key surprise is a couple of battery powered cars for kids that they race around the driveway. This leads to her getting a kiss and quickly saying "you ARE a good kisser." She then gushes that "he LITERALLY has the softest fucking lips ever." Shoot me now. At least she didn't say that she was going to keep it 100.
Mama Chelsea is pissed. Someone other than her got the first kiss. Maybe if you had used your time to kiss him rather than trying to pretend you're some sort of mysterious secret agent with classified information, you'd have gotten further along.
Taxidermy Kendall apparently smuggled a ukulele in her dress....where did that come from?
Black Rachel makes him close his eyes and jams some food in his mouth and says "guess what fruit that is." It's a pineapple, one of the most easily recognizable flavors in the world. She then tells him pineapple is her safe word. What. The. Hell.
Jenna the hand gesture girl is still moving around all over the place. She either drank 45 Red Bulls in an effort to stay up all night at this cocktail party or is on drugs. She's super entertaining though, and keeps giving Arie that "you keep me around and I'll get naked" look, so not surprisingly Arie is kinda into her.
Mask girl is named Annalise, and she's having a normal conversation with Arie once he takes off the mask. She doesn't come off as the kind of person who would've preferred to wear a mask, She's in my top 5 right now for sure.
Do the Damn Thing Becca brought index cards with questions from her mom to ask Arie. Different, but I can dig it. Becca's a top 5er too.
Seems like there's an inordinate amount of real estate professionals on the show. I'm wondering if this is intentional because ABC is already planning a Flip or Flop style show with Arie and his new Bride to be buying and selling houses together....hmmmm.
The first impression rose comes out, and it becomes a massive rush to talk to Arie. Krystal congratulates him on being the Bachelor and says "that's so exciting!" Arie quickly says "we don't have a lot of time, I'd like to know more about you." First thing out of her mouth is not about her job or her pets or her family or where she's from or her fears or her most embarrassing moment....nope. She says "I'm a Libra."
Way to maximize your time, Krystal.
Chelsea, who was so pissed she got interrupted by Maquel, is now interrupting people. How quickly the shoe shifts to the other foot. Chelsea is basically telling Arie what he needs to do and that she's always going to be there for him....then sticks her tongue in his mouth. God damn I hope her son never sees this....that was ridiculous. To double down on her ridiculousness, she then strolls back into the room and says "you guys, I just met Arie for the second time! He's still cool and down to Earth," as if it's been years since she was with him and not two hours. Not exactly #momsohard right now, Chelsea.
TV host Jessica lost her dad a few years ago, but don't worry, he met Arie, so he approves. No explanation of how her dad met Arie, or why they cheered for him during Emily's season, or why she and her dad were bffs and bonded over the Bachelor. You gotta follow up on some of this stuff, Arie.
America's Sweetheart Bekah asks Arie to list three things that make him excited to be alive, and the first thing he says is EXCITEMENT. I can't even comprehend that level of dumb.
After that, he says pizza.
Bekah says mountains and the smell of pine trees, the feeling where you like someone but you don't know if they like you.....Bekah's playing chess and Arie's playing checkers.
First impression rose comes out and it goes to.......single mom Chelsea? Arie this was not a good choice.
Chelsea says she is not a competitive person, but when she sees something she wants, she goes for it.
Sad Fitness Coach Krystal thinks that if she hadn't let Chelsea interrupt her, it'd be her getting the rose instead. Her life is LITERALLY one tragedy after another. Good thing she stays so positive.
Roses go to Single Mom Chelsea (first impression), Do the Damn Thing Becca, Indian Marikh, Taxidermy Kendall, Black Lauren, Tragic Fitness Coach Krystal, America's Sweetheart Bekah, one of the young blonde Laurens, an Elephant Never Forgets Sienne, $5M real estate Caroline, Brittany the literal lip kisser, My favorite Bibiana, Masked woman Annalise, Red Bull Jenna, Punk Disney Princess Valerie, Jaclyn (?), Jenny (?), other young blonde Lauren, Ashley (?), Not Raven Tia, and Utah Maquel.
Gone are Spray Tan Amber, Pit Sniffer Ali, TV host Jessica, Oregon Bri, Diane Sawyer Lauren, and a host of other girls who never made an impression on the show at all.
In the race for the most tragic exit on the first night, it's a tie between TV host Jessica crying that now that Arie has rejected her, her long dead dad will never meet her husband, and Spray Tan Amber thinking she screwed up and let down her family because her mom told her it was "her turn."
As Arie said to close the show out.....let the journey begin!
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