Not wasting any time, Arie shows up and takes Chelsea out on a date. The rest of the women, who apparently left every article of clothing that covered their belly button back at the mansion sit around and complain about not getting the date. But wait...Maquel is back, and she's wearing a whole dress! It's like she's the one person that misinterpreted the invitation to a party and showed up in a costume. Poor Maquel.
Chelsea and Arie cruise around on a yacht and jet ski as the other women watch them through a telescope. This is what people had to do before Facebook to see what their exes were up to with other women.
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| Oh, you know, just watching this bitch straddle my man on a jet ski. No big deal.... |
Chelsea and Arie's date is pretty run of the mill, but at dinner Chelsea really lays on the tragic backstory. Her ex was apparently rich and made her life super easy. I get the feeling he was like ten years older than her and it was a really sugar daddy situation. Anyways, after seven years, she got pregnant and he dumped her six months after their son was born. He shacked up with another woman whom he is now married to and they have a child of their own. Chelsea says "I was left with nothing but my trash bags and my possessions." Ummmmm....and the kid, right? That adorable little bugger you keep reminding everyone you're missing time with while you travel around the country with this guy and his dozen other girlfriends?
Chelsea (sort of) recovers by saying "I've never had less, and yet I feel like I've never had so much," which I think is a reference to her son, but really could be to her Twitter followers. Who knows. Arie buys it though, and gives her a rose. Good for her.
Group date time, and we're going bowling at the bowling alley time forgot. It's like that scene in Field of Dreams where Ray leaves the hotel and it's 1972 again. And why does this bowling alley not have pint glasses to drink beer out of? Everyone is drinking from those cheap plastic cups that you usually see at a dentist's office or something. Seriously, they couldn't even afford Solo? What happened to you, Bachelor? The show is like Chelsea....never had so little.
Arie tells the girls at the start that they're going to have a competition: winners get to go to an after party, the losers go home. Krystal is already pounding the beer from these little cups. At one point she leads the girls on her team in a prayer in which she asks her dogs to be their angels and lead them to victory. This is hands down the craziest thing that's ever happened on the show. Anyways, Krystal's team wins, and Bekah, Kendall, a couple of the anonymous blonde girls (Jenna and Lauren maybe?) and Marikh are sent to this weird locker room type thing to think about how they just lost a chance at furthering their relationships with Arie because they suck at bowling.
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| Krystal lines up her shot and "oh my god! There's Bekah!" |
Krystal is super pissed about this (she does have a legitimate beef here I think) and just continues to drink and rage. She rips off her bowling shirt in the living room of the suite and saunters back into the bedroom to drink some more I'd presume. She emerges later and tells everyone "I packed all my stuff I'm so mad that he went back on his word." This explains why she's wearing a bathrobe. SHE LITERALLY PACKED ALL HER STUFF! Krystal does what she says, God damnit. She lets the other girls know she will not be going on their date. The girls kinda shrug and give her a Cowboy Bill farewell:
At the party, Arie, ever attentive, says "hey, we're all here!" After the girls correct him, he heads out to find Krystal. Classic Bachelor move. Nine girls happy to see you, one girl pissed at you for no real reason, and you abandon the nine normal ones to go deal with crazy. I never understand why the girls don't just disband at that point. I remember one time I was at Shari's with a girl in college (not a date, just some late night food with friends) and she got up to go talk to someone else in the restaurant. Forty minutes later, she still hadn't returned to our table, so I figured she was going home with them and left. I felt like that was the appropriate response. Turns out the guy she was talking to had recently lost his sister to suicide, which kind of explained everything. Only she never told me that was what was up, so I didn't know. Live and learn. I'm off topic.
Arie goes to talk to Krystal, who is way less angry than her prior actions indicated. She's just kind upset that he told them one thing and then did the other. Arie denies doing this, but that's exactly what he did. He tries to wriggle out of it by saying he wasn't going to cut Krystal's time short, just extend the evening to give everyone time. Because everyone wants to sit around until 4 am to have a chance to talk to you, Arie. He leaves by saying "I think you should stay in the room, and I'll talk to you in a couple days." Arie just grounded her! The other ladies should approve: I think he just proved he'll make a great father with the way he handled that situation.
Krystal, feeling a bit sheepish for her actions, unpacks a very flowery dress that looks like you might wear to an Easter family function and sashays into the after party just as Bekah does yet another Krystal impression. Do you think the other women are like "Bekah does THE BEST Krystal impression! Hey Bek! Do it again!" or do they roll their eyes as she makes the same joke for the 1,000th time? Krystal tries to justify her actions, but she knows she just did the exact same thing she's allegedly pissed at Arie for doing, so she retreats back to her hotel suite without even talking to Arie. Probably a good move, since he grounded you and would like totally take away your cell phone for violating your curfew.
Up next is a one an one date with Tia. They take one of those hydroplane thingys around the everglades looking for gators. Arie, realizing that he hasn't compared love to a demolition derby car or a dog show or a yacht or any other date prop on the show yet, chooses this alligator to be his allegory: "Looking at this alligator reminds me that love is scary."
Moving on.....Arie takes Tia to Gerald's house. I don't get the sense that this place is a hotel or a B&B or anything like that. It's just the shack of a dude that lives in the Everglades, seemingly miles from any other humans. Gerald is exactly the kind of person you would expect to live in such a place. He's very friendly, but you get the sense he's either hiding from the law or is required by the law to live out here. Gerald built this place with his bare hands after it burned to the ground "in the first part of 2000." WHO BURNED IT DOWN AND WHY, GERALD? Gerald likes to go "froggin'," which Tia helpfully describes as shining a spotlight on a frog and spearing it with a ten foot pole. Froggin' is not a healthy way to spend your time, Gerald.
Tia wins the award for first girl to tell Arie she loves you, as she shyly avoids eye contact in her JC Penney Jr. Prom dress. Arie also looks like he's headed to Jr. Prom, in clothes he found in the back of his father's closet from twenty years ago. Nothing about this dinner says "romantic meal for two people contemplating marriage," including the giant neon sign behind them that says "LIVE BAIT." Nonetheless, they have maybe the most in depth conversation two people have had on this show in quite some time.....even going so far as to discuss their thoughts on God and if they can work out a relationship despite having differing theological viewpoints. They then kiss at the table before walking up by the Live Bait sign and kissing again. "I've been waiting for you to push me up against something," Tia coos, as Arie strokes her collar bone as he makes out with her? Seriously, what is that? It's not normal, and it makes me think that Arie has been taking lessons from Gerald on how to seduce women and murder them in the Everglades.
With all the dates done, it's time for the cocktail party. I'm expecting all the girls to have one on one time with Arie, but instead they all spend their one on one time with Krystal. It's amazing how, season after season, these girls always get so wrapped up in what the villain is doing and take their eyes off the prize. Bekah, Tia, and Kendall all confront Krystal who just continues to say the same thing over and over again: "I was hurt and who hasn't lashed out in that situation?"
Kendall does actually talk to Arie too, and she has this book of 100 questions. This was a popular thing in the 1990s....I remember having a book of questions and writing my answers down in it, but Kendall has made her own questions. Arie asks for #99 (his racing number) and she flips through and reads it:
"If you were amongst a tribe of people who had the ritual of eating the bodies of recently deceased people, would you try human flesh?"
I don't think I'd ever want to date Kendall, but God damn I need that woman in my life. She can be my neighbor. We'll invite her over for pizza and board games every Friday. I'll bet she gives the best answers in Balderdash.
Krystal (ugh) also gets her moment with Arie, and she tries to wriggle her way out of trouble by suggesting that the date triggered her PTSD because her mom (who was emotionally unavailable) worked in a bowling alley, and the men she brought home from this bowling alley would make her promises and then not follow through. That's right, Arie.....she just compared you to the guy who picks up the shoe girl at the bowling alley and tells he loves her so he can sleep with her. Yikes. Arie does not seem to be buying it. "We just had our first fight!" Krystal jokes. "Could be our last fight too" Arie quips back, in the first likeable moment he's had all season.
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| Take that, Krystal! |
On most girls, I feel like that line might've sent them into tears. However, we're dealing with a girl who prayed to her dogs to deliver a bowling victory. Then again, those angel bowling dogs delivered, so I'm sure Krystal's convinced that it's their last fight because once they're rid of all these other bitches and living together in Scottsdale they will never be angry with each other again.
Rose Ceremony time! Only real drama is if Krystal will get a rose. She does, meaning Maquel, Ashley and Marikh are sent packing. Rough week for Maquel - grandpa dies, returns to the show to go bowling in Ft. Lauderdale, and then is sent home again. If she'd milked the dead grandpa thing another week, she'd have been cruising the Seine by the Eiffel Tower in Paris. Those are the breaks, kid.
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