We come back and the girls are all emotionally and physically drained from talking and drinking all night. I love how many of them wear glasses when they're not trying to impress Arie. I don't think I've ever noticed that before.
Chris Harrison gets his screen time by telling the girls that "behind every man is a strong woman....and we're going to put that to the test tonight." It's time for GLOB.
Arie is wearing a mask like the dorkiest Zorro of all time. We're gonna fake wrestle. We've got some sixty year old wrestling chicks: The Farmer's Daughter and Little Egypt. Little Egypt is pissed they're not pretending to be hurt and smiling. Little Egypt is all of a sudden turning into a military drill sergeant, calling people bitches and questioning if their mom's know how to spell their names. I love Bibiana's reaction of "bitch you don't even know my mom." There are some very sensitive people here. Tia quits too. Some people take themselves too seriously. I don't get why they're having so much trouble with the acting part. They're all doing a pretty good job of acting like they're interested in Arie.
Tia is taking it especially hard, crying and afraid she's going to get hurt. The classic "Imma cry and pout until Arie shows me attention." The girls come up with wrestling names like "Sex Kitten," "Gold Digger," and "Bridezilla." Not much imagination, but then again the costumes are all they have to go off of. It's not like they really had much time to craft a persona.
Kenny from last Bachelorette shows up to wrestle Arie. I have to admit that while they are terrible wrestlers and their costumes and personas are cheesy as hell, I'm still enjoying this group date more than most. The goofy costumes seem to be helping them remember that this is just for fun and not super serious, and they're actually enjoying it and having a good time. Marikh and Lauren B. do what I could only describe as "interpretive wrestling." It's all slow and graceful and seems like it needs a soft violin solo as a backing track.
After wrestling, Arie takes the girls to a swanky trailer park complete with a rustic barn with couches in it. Krystal gets the first one on one time, and Arie straight up tells her she's sexy and that it's hard for him to focus on the other girls when she's on a group date. Dial it back a little Arie. Krystal asks if she should hang back a little on the group dates or be more aggressive, and Arie tells her "you do you" because either he's too much of a wuss to tell her what he wants, or because he wants to be a vague as possible to make her overthink it so she does something really dumb. I don't think he needs to worry about that with Krystal....she's gonna do something dumb no matter what. I can't tell if she's a crazy genius or if she's just straight crazy. The voice, the velvet hot pants get-up she has on, the strange questions (everyone having a good time tonight? Does everyone feel like they had quality time with Arie?)....it's all sort of crazy.
Speaking of crazy, Arie gives the group date rose to Bekah, which makes Krystal immediately think "I need to be more aggressive." Well done, Arie. Your vagueness let her create her own crazy narrative. Bekah hasn't been aggressive at all that I've seen. She just kinda does her thing and lets Arie come to her. Nonetheless, Krystal decides that the way to combat her laid back coolness is to get more in Arie's face and cause more of a scene. It's like seeing a guy talking to the designated driver at the bar and vowing to get drunker to get his attention.
Krystal has already decided that she and Arie are destined to be together and she's just gotta put up with these bitches for ABC's sake. She again vows to up the aggressiveness.
Lauren S. gets the one on one date. The date card says "you had me at merlot." Lauren says "I'm thinking this date has to do with wine." I'm thinking Lauren isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. She shows up at the airport and Arie says he has a surprise for her. His surprise is that they're going to wine country. Worst. Surprise. Ever. You shocked literally no one. Lauren S. does her best to seem surprised, saying "shut up!" The date seems pretty wooden. Lauren says she hasn't been lost in the moment in a while, and maybe she's forgotten how to. I think it means she's not really into Arie. Arie asks how she came to be on the Bachelor, and Lauren starts talking and may still be talking by the time you read this. Her story is about some specific work event, and then all of a sudden she says "by April, I was ready to be out." This somehow parlays into talking about her mom's eye infection and lord knows what else. She's sabotaging herself, but she doesn't really seem that upset about it. Arie then grabs the rose and tells her that he "really wanted this for us" but he's sorry he can't keep her away from her family.
That's a Bachelor series first! I've never seen the "family excuse" dumping used on anyone who wasn't a single parent. He basically just told her she needed to spend more time with her mommy. I'll never understand why the guy with all the power and a full stable of other ladies ready to date him back at the mansion feels the need to say things like "I wanted this so badly for us," or "I'd hate to keep you away from your family." That family thing is bullshit, by the way. Whomever Arie picks has a family, I assume (unless it's Krystal.) I'd assume whomever it is loves their family and thinks that family is the "most important thing in the world." Is Arie going to move his mother-in-law to Scottsdale so as not to separate his bride to be from his mom? Of course not. So don't tell me that this six week vacation you're on is doing some irreparable harm to Lauren's relationship with her mom.
"Well, I used to be really close with my daughter, but then she went to Europe for a couple weeks and everything went to shit."
Krystal goes into mom mode and tells all the other women that Lauren S. was a beautiful soul and this shows how serious Arie is and blah blah blah. Really all that was was an excuse to mention to the women that she'd been on a one on one and a group date. Classic villain move.
The group date is a bunch of dogs. If I told you one of the girls on this date had a traumatic experience, you might think it would be someone other than Annaliese, because she's already had her trauma moment. Well, you'd be dead fucking wrong. Annaliese has apparently experienced every kind of trauma you can experience as a child. ABC raises the bar on reenactments by showing a tiny child and a growling dog. It really was Emmy worthy. Way to keep evolving, The Bachelor.
Anyways, the dog date sucks. I don't even understand what's going on. They're trying to make the dogs sit, but the dogs are wearing costumes? Is like a broadway production with dogs? How is it possible that none of these dogs understand simple commands like "sit?" Where did these dogs come from? I'm assuming Mexico, because their understanding of the English language was not good.
Arie and Annaliese have some of the worst one-on-one time in the history of the show. She's says she's nervous and she has a hard time reading him. Arie looks at the ceiling and says "yeah, it's hard. This place is cool though." That's pretty easy to read. In fairness, Annaliese gets the hint and grabs her jacket and pretty much starts booking a flight back home.
Arie and Becca then call each other dorks and Arie says he totally thought she was cool when she was hula hooping around her neck. They then kinda giggle at each other and make out. They're perfect for each other and quite possibly nobody else in the world.
Also, can we talk about Arie stroking everyone's collar bone when he's talking to them? What is that? I feel like it's a middle school move of "I want to touch your boob but I'm scared to tell you that so I'm just going to get as close as possible to let you know my intention and hope you take it from there."
Bibiana sets up an outdoor bed. She says "being in a cabana and gazing at the stars" is her. Tragically, Lauren B. stumbles across it and takes advantage. Bibiana comes to check out why her bear trap caught the wrong bear, but in maybe the cruelest twist, Arie asks her to give him and Lauren five more minutes. Bibiana deadpans to the camera "the struggle is real." Bibiana gets my rose this week and every week. She's like a human meme.
Bibiana's bed worked so well for Arie with Lauren B., he uses it again to get Bekah horizontal. It's almost like Bibiana is his personal date doctor. "Trust me dude, you get these girls on this bed and looking through the telescope, and they'll let you touch a lot more than their collarbone. I mean, it'd work on me......I could show you....please let me show you......"
Annaliese has decided that she's gotta kiss Arie if she has any chance of coming back next week. She leads him on a tour of the mansion and asks him for a kiss because she's heard that the girls have to make the first move, and Arie straight up shuts her down. As if that isn't a big enough sign that he's not that into her, she needs to hear from him that he's dumping her.
Once Annaliese opens the door for herself to go home, Arie walks right on through. "I hadn't thought much about sending you home, but now that you bring it up, yes. I think you should go home."
Bachelor Life Lesson #684: Never make it easy for the guy to dump you. Asking him if he's thinking about dumping you is a great way to do that.
In the end, Bekah, Chelsea, Caroline, Kendall, Ashley, Lauren B., Brittney, Becca, Seinne, Krystal, Tia, Maquel, Jenna, Jaclyn, and Marikh get the roses. My personal favorites Annaliese and Bibiana are sent packing along with Lauren S.
This week's top 4: Bekah, Becca, Chelsea, and Tia. They all put up strong showings.
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