Arie is riding a motorcycle as the girls talk about how much of a hunk he is. Harrison hypes the girl up and they girls giggle uncontrollably as he whips the date card out of his back pocket.
Do the Damn Thing Becca gets the first one on one! I'm 0-1 on my fantasy picks (I had Annaliese.) Arie and Becca ride off into the California foothills on his motorcycle. Back at the house, Chelsea says she loves the adrenaline of putting herself behind something that might be a little more powerful than her. I immediately picture her at a gun range getting all geeked as she fires round after round into a dummy as she pictures whatever person had the misfortune of getting on her bad side that day. Chelsea scares the shit out of me.
Not to be outdone though, Krystal goes full Debbie Downer, saying that her dad was in a bad motorcycle accident and that she's seen "a lot of people who were killed or lost body parts." That wouldn't stop her from going on the motorcycle, mind you....but she would have to pull Arie aside to let him know about these hundreds of dismembered motorcyclists that she's come across. "It's probably a good thing he didn't pick you then" one girl quips, and I instantly like her more even though I can't remember her name (I think it's Sienne, like the minivan only cooler).
Becca's date consists of a trip to try on dresses with celebrity designer Rachel Zoe, who I had to google because I'd never heard of her. I saw a tweet earlier today where she thanked Arie for having her on the show, but I assumed she was like a Lifetime Channel reality show host or something. Turns out she's got more followers than there are residents in the state of Oregon, and she is kind of a big deal. Becca says that Minnesotans don't have days like this very often, and I don't know how to break it to her that celebrity designers don't personally select your dress for your first date with a minor celebrity in Oregon or Texas or New York all that often either.
Arie then gives her a pair of Louboutins and Neil Lane sends some random guy with a case full of jewelry to complete the ensemble. Every man in the world is like "I once had a pair of Jordans that came in a case like that." As a guy who would rather wear a hoodie and Chuck Taylors, I never understand the allure of putting a $3,000 pair of shoes on. Walking on a couple mortgage payments seems like a bad idea.
Even better, ABC sends her back to the mansion to show off all the swag that Arie didn't buy her (ABC picked up the tab). The girls are way more jealous of the fact that she got dresses and shoes than that she spent time with Arie. At dinner, Becca says she spent "seven years on and off" in a relationship. Arie asks what made it a seven year relationship, and it's because he was dating her when her dad died of brain cancer. I don't know what the percentage of people in their 20's whose fathers have passed away, but according to The Bachelor, roughly 50% of the country is fatherless or orphaned before they can rent a car.
Krystal gets the next one on one, and I couldn't be more excited about it. Becca got a motorcycle ride, Krystal gets a private jet. Arie's taking her to Scottsdale. Krystal is loving getting the tour of Arie's first job at Pizza Hut, his first kiss under some trees on side of a random street (really, Arie?) and Arie spent a lot of time in the principal's office. Such a bad boy. Arie has a bunch of photos of him as a child and old videos of him at his house, which is super weird because nobody my age I know has these photos in their house...those stay at the parents until they die, right? Given that this is The Bachelor, it's safe to assume Arie's parents died traumatically, but that's not the case...they're off to meet the 'rents. Arie says that this is the first time he's brought a girl home since Emily. I don't now if he meant the first time he's brought a girl and a film crew, but c'mon man.
Arie's parents have been married for 36 years. Krystal immediately says "I'm sure it hasn't all been rainbows, right?" GTFO, Krystal. This is a super beef of mine, that it's just assumed that everyone who is married has big fights and comes close to breaking up and that you have to "survive" a marriage. It's just not the case. Krystal drops the ominous "I'm not close to my family, and I know that's important to Arie." The girl with the heart of gold that gives random paper bags to homeless people doesn't have room in her life for her family? I can't wait to hear this story.
Good thing it's time for the emotional dinner! Krystal's parents divorced when she was really young. She calls it "non traditional." Her dad wasn't part of her life, and her mom was there but "emotionally unavailable." She had to buy herself a blanket at nine years old. Her brother is homeless and got beat up. His hair got singed somehow. She wanted to help him, but he just wanted a bus ticket to Venice. This being The Bachelor, I immediately thought Italy and that it was a strange place to send your homeless brother. Futhermore, if my brother was living on the streets and wanted a bus ticket to go live on the streets again, I'd tell him to stop being dumb and come live with me.
Krystal gets a rose and a concert from Connor Duermit who despite having 2,500 Twitter followers to Rachel Zoe's 3.8 million is every bit as famous as her in my eyes because I'd never heard of either of them before tonight. She's on cloud 9 and is convinced that her relationship is stronger than anyone elses.
Krystal is worried that jealousy will creep in if she tells the girls about their date, so she opts for being coy and evasive about what happened on the date, which of course makes the girls think that she's hiding something amazing and makes them super jealous.
Here's a tip: Girls just don't like other girls, especially other girls that have something that they want. I just had a conversation with my daughter tonight about how her best friend at school told her she wanted to play with someone new today, but then she played with McKenna who isn't new at all and somehow this was McKenna's fault for stealing her BFF. THEY ARE SIX YEARS OLD. There's a lot of talk about how girls are taught to not support one another by the media and society (I guess this means men) but damned if I can figure out how my daughter figured this out watching My Little Pony and Mosha and the Bear. I think it's just ingrained in them the way it's ingrained in boys that peeing outside is more fun than peeing inside.
Group date time....time to drive cars for a demolition derby. Somehow the sight of a 36 year old man driving a beat up 4-door sedan with flames painted on the side drives these women crazy. In Albany that would land you a post on Albany Happenings with someone telling other women that they need to watch out for the sketch dude with the flames on his car cuz he's probably a tweaker. The girls are mostly having fun decorating their cars and driving around slamming into trash cans to prepare. Bibiana screams "I don't even have a license!" as she plows through a trash can. She then says she wants to do this when she gets back to Miami, which should make every pedestrian nervous.
Annaliese is not having fun though. She's having flashbacks to a traumatic bumper car experience she had as a child. If you came here looking for me to make fun of her, you're going home dissappointed, because THE SAME SHIT HAPPENED TO ME. It was at Oaks Park in about 1985 or 1986. Somehow I got hit and my funny bone went numb. Scared the hell out of me and I started crying. The crying kid on the bumper car track is like chum in the water around a bunch of great white sharks. Kids two or three times my age were taking full runs at me from across the arena and lighting my ass up. My mom risked her life running out amongst these bloodthirsty savages to rescue her first born.
Annaliese, you are not alone. I too am a survivor of bumper car trauma.
Chris Harrison then ruins my somber vibe by saying "Annaliese just took a big one in the back" and I can't take it seriously anymore. Thanks for that sophomoric slap to the face, Chris.
While the other girls go and talk to Arie, Bibiana spends her time watching and making snide comments about not getting time. This then gets to the point where she just quits on the night, saying "it's too late, do you really think I want to talk to him like this?" Classic "I'd rather quit than fail" response. Bekah the braless nanny gets a really involved kiss, but Sienne gets the rose because she went to Yale. Seriously, I think that's why she got a rose. Arie thinks she's smart. Let that be a lesson to all you young women out there. Stay in school, bust your ass and get a degree from an Ivy League school, and you too could impress a guy with a high school diploma who drives cars and used to work at Pizza Hut. Sky's the limit, ladies.
At the cocktail party, Arie presents Brittany with a certificate for being "Most Hardcore," He then greets Braless Bekah by saying "where do you want to go?" The guy was seriously so excited to get her alone, I thought he was going to take her to like his private villa thing down the hill, or maybe just bail on the rest of the ceremony and take her to a hotel, but no...they go to the front porch, where they act like a couple of teenagers talking about how they didn't think the other liked them and then kissing and touching each other in places that are appropriate but hint that you'd like to inappropriately touch them.
Krystal then wants to say hi after not seeing him for a few days, and Bibiana is still glued to the couch and getting pissed. In fairness, she's not the only one that is pissed that a girl with a rose wants to talk to Arie. You'd think that after 22 seasons of the same shit happening these girls would not be shocked, but here we are. Bibiana is burning all the goodwill she had with me flipping out about this.
Finally, Bibiana gets her time! It's a pretty mundane conversation, but then Krystal interrupts Bibiana and SHIT. IS. ON. Bibiana clearly thinks every girl in the room has her back, but as nobody pipes up to support her, she keeps giving nervous glances like "c'mon girls, you're with me, right? RIGHT?" and getting no support whatsoever. I think maybe she's realizing that she's out on this limb by herself, but then she stands up and yells "mic drop!" and walks out. You can't fake mic drop yourself, can you? Anyways, she's convinced that the only reason she could possibly go home is Krystal's meddling, and vows to come find her after the show. Bibiana is crazy.
Roses go to Becca, Krystal, Sienne, Maquel, Jaclyn, Bekah, Jenna, Chelsea, Lauren S., Tia, Lauren B., Annaliese, Kendall, Hardcore champion Brittany, Ashley, Marikh, Caroline, and Bibiana! I'm happy that she's sticking around for more crazy moments, but we could've had one REALLY crazy moment if she'd gone home. In this case, I'll take quantity over quality.
Gone are Lauren G., Valerie, and Jenny, who doesn't even say good bye to Arie as she ghosts him on the way out the door. Arie of course follows her and says "give me a hug at least" as he hugs her as she stands straight as a statue. There was not comforting her there, Arie. Arie tells her her's not feeling it and that he's gotta make tough choices. Jenny says that this thing isn't for her, and that she made some friends and Arie says "hope you find what you're looking for" and hugs her emotionless body again. Jenny says this is the first time she's ever been dumped, which seems doubtful since she's single and on a reality show trying to hook a husband. Good luck though.
We close with a clip of Kendall introducing Arie to one of the animals in her taxidermy collection. It's a seal named Mugatu. "He's kinda janky because he's vintage." I expected to be weirded out by her taxidermy collection, but this is actually super interesting to me and I wonder if she's named all her animals and if she's created personality traits for all of them.
So yeah, if I'm Arie, I'm giving her a one on one date next week.
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