Bachelor in Paradise: They're not even trying anymore.

It's gonna be hard to top last Monday's episode, but here we go.

Benoit is recounting to Kevin and Astrid how he had a great date with Jenna and how Jordan was waiting for them when he returned. Benoit seems scared of Jordan.

I repeat, he is afraid of a male model who dresses like the Hawaiian Punch guy come to life and beats up stuffed animals. I believe Benoit also was scared of someone on Winter Games for some equally sissy reason. It's almost like Benoit has never been exposed to the real world.

In other news, Chris just says to Krystal "your butt is unreal." When she questions him on marriage, he says "coming from a divorced family, the girl I get engaged to is the girl I want to be with forever," as if people who have witnessed stable marriages don't understand stable marriages. This is like saying people who grew up in non-smoking households are more likely to be smokers, or people whose parents aren't in jail are more likely to end up in jail. He then says that commitment is not a game and he's not getting married just because you have a kid together like my parents did."

 The guy who was talking about girls as menu items last week, who told Krystal her butt was unreal, is now claiming he's "100%" into commitment, and Krystal is HERE. FOR. IT. Krystal then says Chris making me glow, the timing for us to connect is divine," as if she just spent a week in Rajneeshpuram getting relationship advice (and drugs) from the Bhagwan himself.

This is immediately followed by Connor showing up. You might remember Connor as the square jawed frat boy villain in every college comedy you've ever seen. Connor pulls Krystal aside to see what she thinks because "everything looks right on her." Guys are the worst. Krystal tells Connor how awesome he is and how she came here specifically to meet him and how she wanted to keep herself available for him....and then shuts him down before he can ask for a date. DIABOLICAL. Krystal is absolutely insane. I have no idea how, but somehow this isn't over.

FIVE MINUTES LATER......

Connor is undeterred by Krystal's pre-emptive denial of the date card. He asks her anyways, and Krystal says "well I mean as long as you know where I'm at." Paradise logic is awesome. Try asking some guy's wife out on a date and see if she says "well, as long as you know that I'm married I guess it's cool." NO. IT IS NOT COOL, KRYSTAL. The moral of the story is that nobody will take you seriously if you call yourself The Goose. Krystal then straight up tells Chris that she came here for Connor, but that Chris "surprised her." Krystal is a black widow, man. Chris is going to end up a broken man, and I'm not sure what's going to happen to Connor, but it won't be pretty.

Krystal and Connor's "date" is to get buried alive while some guy sings in the background. Krystal seems to think that this is some sort of ritual to let go of the past and form a new relationship. I think they're getting cooked alive by a guy who's about to eat them. This leads to Connor howling like a wolf and them making out in the ocean. Naturally.

Jordan tells Jenna she's amazing, Jenna makes out with him. She needs to tell Benoit "some things." Those things are "I'm not going to kiss you or Jordan until I figure stuff out." This is followed by a lot of making out, because Jenna is super crazy too.

Jordan, of course, is not pleased with this. But rather than talk to Jenna, he accuses Benoit of brainwashing her and wants to know why he's kissing her when she told Jordan that she was done with him. Benoit is not happy with this line of questioning, so he storms off, muttering about how crazy Jordan is. Benoit is so mad, he angry grabs a water bottle. #CANADIANRAGE.

Kenny then bounces from paradise to see his daughter's dance recital....a noble move, but let's be honest - this was always his plan. I'm trying to imagine Kenny telling his daughter "I'm heading to Mexico, I might come back for your dance recital. We'll see how things go." No way. So instead, he just goes down to Paradise and makes out with Bibiana, Jacqueline, and Annaliese, decides that Annaliese is the least likely to call him on his bullshit, and then plays the altruistic father card which Annaliese eats up. She's now convinced that she was with the perfect guy (that made out with two other girls in the hours before they got together) and he sacrificed their relationship for his daughter's love. He booked that flight home way before he even met you, sweetie. Annaliese is like an old house - you pick her thinking you can fix her flaws and wind up with something truly special and unique on the other side, but in reality you're just going to sink a lot of time and money into her only to find out she's got some problems that just can't be fixed, like a cracked foundation or something and you end up having to cut her loose for your own sanity. She's constantly on sale on Zillow, if you know what I mean.

Also, you're not going to believe this, but John killed himself. I've seen this commercial so many times I have no intention of ever watching this show. Then again, I said I was never going to go to the Shane Company for an engagement ring because of all the commercials...and yet when it came time to actually pull the trigger, where did I go??

Annaliese looks around and sees everyone else making out and decides that maybe Paradise isn't for her....until Kamil shows up. Kamil told Becca he wanted to meet her halfway....like 60/40. He says it was a joke, but she didn't find it funny. I didn't take it as a joke then, but watching it back, I suppose he could be telling the truth. Of course he wants to talk to Annaliese, who is already like "Kenny who?" This is the biggest flaw of the show, in my opinion. I know that a majority of these "couples" aren't nearly as into each other as the show makes them out to be, but they could at least act just a little conflicted when they go on to the next dude/lady.

Kamil says he's from New York, and immediately Annaliese says she's always been attracted to the "New York vibe." I could write a whole bunch about how insane this is, but I'll end it by saying that Kamil could not look less interested in Annaliese if he tried.

I gotta move on though, because Kevin just pulled THE DUMBEST shit on Astrid. I'm not sure if his plan was to make himself look like an ass and make Astrid a sympathetic character to the other guys and maybe give her a bump on getting another date in the future....because if that's was the case, then what he did was genius. I'm not giving Kevin that much credit thought. A relationship genius he is not.

Anyways, he tells Astrid that he wishes she would go on a date with someone else, so that he could be sure that she wants to be with him. What I think he really means to say is that HE wants to date other people.  He's trying to spin it like when they get back to the real world, everyone will want to date them, and they're going to be tested by all these people wanting to date both of them.

Somehow, this turns into Kevin crying and saying he thought he was getting married on the Bachelorette, and then with Ashley on the Winter Games he didn't know where it was going, but he "was optimistic." Given those two descriptions, imagine my shock when Kevin says the breakup with Ashley left him more heartbroken than he's ever been.

 Kevin goes to therapy twice a week because of his time on the Bachelorette shows. Makes sense he'd come on a third then. I think he needs to fire his therapist that signed off on him coming back.

Oh Jenna broke up with Benoit because Benoit is a ninny. Duh. Harley Quinn dates the Joker, not the guy who crosses the street when a guy with a leather jacket is walking towards him. Benoit sucks.

 Kendall now knows that Leo kissed Chelsea, because Kevin told her, then acts like she already knew and BLAMES ASTRID because she told him that she was going to tell Kendall. Awesome job, Kevin.

Kendall is mad at Leo for not being all in on her. This coming from a girl that is ostensibly in a relationship with Grocery Store Joe. Leo is mad that Kendall is mad at him, so he's going to beat up whoever told Kendall.

Why is Leo so certain it was a guy that told Kendall? Why couldn't it have been a girl who is a friend of Kendall's who is looking out for her?

Leo and Kevin yell a lot of things at each other then agree that they're both cool. Now Leo decides that Kendall is "being irrational" by telling him that Chelsea's kiss upsets her. Leo then just says a bunch of crazy shit, and Kendall does that condescending thing she did on Arie's season where she explains to someone what they're feeling and it predictably doesn't go well. Joe steps in.....and we'll find out what happens tomorrow night!

Bachelor in Paradise: Jorge is a Fraud

Two nights in a row! Last night was phenomenal, which gives me high hopes for tonight. On the other hand, how could it possibly live up to the example of last night?

You guys. I don’t think Jorge was a real bartender. I don’t think he actually opened a business as a tour guide. I know for a FACT he didn’t write a romance novel. Seriously, what was that? I wanted to just clown Arie, Lauren, Amanda, and Ben for agreeing to be bad actors in a five minute movie about a fake romance novel, and then I realized that if someone called me and said “hey let me fly you down to Mexico. You pretend to be a mariachi star whose girlfriend hates him.” Who says no to that? That sounds awesome!

Meanwhile, Leo comes in and all the ladies lose their damn minds. It’s like feeding time at the zoo. The promos keep trying to tell us that Joe and Kendall are one of the strongest couples in Paradise, yet it took her all of two seconds to say yes to a date with generic brand Fabio. I feel bad for Joe. Hell, I kind of was Joe. In college, I spent a summer in Colorado at a ski resort. It was kind of like Paradise, in that they just threw a bunch of people in their early 20s together for a few months. A small population, short time frame, you start to think there are feelings that don’t really exist. At the end of the summer, I actually had a girl say to me “I think I like you about half as much as you like me.” Been there Joe. I’ve been there.

Shortly after returning from her date with Leo, turns out that maybe Kendall is there too as Leo immediately makes out with Chelsea. Whoopsie Kendall. Jordan of course is there to tell us that Leo
is “sampling all the porridge” which I think was a reference to all the girls having blonde hair like Goldilocks. Also at some point Jordan refers to the guys all being in various stages of doing their laundry in terms of making relationship mistakes. If I were Jordan, I would start an app where people asked me for advice and I would equate them to some random thing. This show is dead when he goes home.

Tia and Colton go on a date, and surprise, Jorge has changed jobs again. He’s now a street DJ having a salsa competition. Oh look, Raven and Adam are here. Really they are here so Raven can tell Tia she hates Colton and thinks he's got bad intentions. "You deserve someone who treats you like Adam treats me" she says. Translation: I'm jealous that your guy is better looking and you two are more famous than me and my guy and it's not fair because you're only famous because I was on the show first and recommended you for it. Raven sucks.

Tia cries, Raven threatens to cut Colton's unused penis off, and then Raven feels her work is done. She's gone. Colton and Tia go to have a talk. Tia says she wants to be the first and best option always, which seems like a weird thing to ask. Wouldn't you want to be the only option? Colton vows not to look at another woman in Paradise, because Tia is his girlfriend. Tia demands to be asked to be his girlfriend, because #womenarenotproperty.

Benoit is here, and girls are digging the accent. Benoit pulls Kevin aside, Kevin says he'd like Krystal because she's blonde and high energy. Benoit starts off by calling her Kendall. Strong start, bud. He goes on to say that reality TV has "worked out well for him" twice already. He did not win Bachelorette Canada, had an on again off again on again off again relationship with Clare on and after Bachelor Winter Games....this is not a strong track record of success buddy. I want him to succeed with Krystal just to see the Goose's feathers ruffled, but I guess I'll have to settle for him setting off Jordan and getting his similie generator going.

Jordan is in rare form:
He says that Beniot "better have Jenna home to daddy early, because she's got a curfew."
He calls him Pepe le Pew and then says he's "the Diet Coke of French" because he's from Canada.
He calls him Jean Blanc 2.0

Meanwhile, Jenna is slathering her lipstick all over Beniots face, and I'm fully convinced that she escaped from Arkham Asylum with the Penguin and the Joker. I think the term I'm looking for is "Criminally Insane."

Want evidence? She thinks that the fact he was recently engaged is a good thing, because "it shows he's open to commitment." This is like saying "I know he just got fired, but I think that's a good thing because it shows that at least he can get a job in the first place."

Jordan tries to apologize by writing "I'm sorry" in the sand. This seems like a good start, but then he says "I mean, what's a guy gotta do?" as if she should've forgiven him already. Nice plan, Jordan. Jenna tells Jordan she had a really good connection with Benoit, but also with him. Jordan then tells Jenna that she needs to just let him know if it's not going to be him, because he's only here because of her. "Only one Jenna in the world," he says, as he walks off to bed.

I'm walking off to bed too. I should've known that the show couldn't have kept up the momentum that last night created.

Bachelor in Paradise: WTF Edition

The blog is back, and I promise it's not just because my son's soccer coach's wife wondered when I would blog again and I'm trying to suck up to get my son more playing time. (Hi Ashley!) But seriously, soccer is playing a big part in the blog returning. A tournament this weekend took all the energy out of my kids, and a cancelled soccer practice due to poor air quality allowed them to get home early, eat dinner, and be asleep before 9pm for what seems like the first time since they could walk.

You know, I really thought nothing could kill my love for blogging about Bachelor related TV. Then Becca's season happened. In what was maybe the worst season of the show ever, I just couldn't do it. Hell, I could barely watch it. I think I stopped blogging after week 2. I stopped watching on Monday night about week 5, and I didn't even watch the finale or Men Tell All.

And I don't want to put this all on Becca. Becca seems amazing. A good person, a fun hang, pretty, smart.....she's really somebody any guy should want to date. I just don't want to watch her on TV. She was too normal, made too many rational decisions, and -let's be honest - never would have been The Bachelorette had Arie not blindsided her on national television. Nobody was hashtagging #beccaforbachelorette before that episode. NOBODY. Afterwards, we all felt like she DESERVED it, but I think we all thought in the back of our minds "this really doesn't make sense."

Tia would've been a better choice (more on this later). Bekah definitely would've been a better choice, even though we all know she would've picked nobody or broken it off with the "winner" before the finale aired to go smoke peyote in a teepee in Flagstaff. But we got Becca, and then we got maybe the dumbest group of men ever. I mean, she picked a guy with a history of liking racially insensitive Instagram posts. THAT WAS THE BEST GUY OF THE BUNCH. Just brutal.

Anyways, things are better now. We're in Paradise, where people stop pretending that they're in love with someone just because they thing they're supposed to be, and start horndogging it up all over Mexico. Bad decisions abound. Tia, who was one of the most generally well liked personalities ever on this franchise, burned through all of that goodwill faster than I thought humanly possible. First she essentially blocked any chance Colton had with Becca with her wishy washy attitude towards him, then she decides to take that absolute moron Chris on a date. This is a guy who refers to himself as "The Goose." He calls himself this not because he likes geese. Not because he thinks they are majestic creatures, not because of some generally accepted noble trait of the species, and not even because that was the call sign of Anthony Edward's character in Top Gun. Any of those would be acceptable reasons to call yourself Goose. No, this jamoke calls himself "The Goose" because he want's people to know he's not the seriously deranged, out of control meathead he was portrayed as on The Bachelorette, but rather he's a "silly goose." To show how silly he is, he wears a Karate Kid style bandana, which is neither silly nor goose-like.

This one's for you, Goose

I figured Tia was maybe just taking a totally unlikable guy on a date so that she wouldn't be tempted to hook up with anyone before Colton showed up, but noooooooooo.....Tia asks him what he's looking for in a woman. Chris then spouts off a few very generic things about Tia's personality that are blatantly obvious to anyone who has spent five minutes watching the show, including that he wants to date someone who isn't from a big city or some crap. Tia, honey, a word of advice: Never ask someone you're on a date with what they're looking for in a woman. There is literally no incentive for the guy to tell you anything other than qualities he sees in you. If he says he's looking for a short girl who likes Pokemon and runs ultramarathons, the date is over. On the other hand, if he says something similar to your own personality, well then there's the chance for a kiss and some heavy petting before the night is over. Tia seems oblivious to this fairly obvious scenario, and is totally impressed that Chris described her to a T(ia) (#dadjoke).

Chris then pushes all his idiot chips in to the middle of the table rather than cashing out with Tia. No......The Goose is now feeling himself, so he's gotta fly and kiss KRYSTAL.

Imagine you are Chris. You nickname yourself Goose and refer to yourself in the third person while wearing a Karate Kid headband, and you've just hooked up with Tia, an absolutely gorgeous woman who (up to this point in the show) is generally well liked. Everyone would be impressed if you came home with her. So the first thing you do is find one of the most universally hated and generally agreed upon psychopaths in the history of the franchise and make out with her by saying "I've never kissed a blonde and I'd like you to be the first."

Side note, HOW DO LINES LIKE THAT WORK? One time I saw a friend of mine get a girl to leave the bar with him after the first words he said to her were "your hair smells nice." Thank God I'm married, because I did not, do not, and never will understand how to talk to women. I'm quite certain I'd hate myself for saying something like that.

So the Goose cooked himself, Jordan continued to show why he is one of the great characters in reality show history, and Annaliese is so far removed from the pretty girl that I bonded with over bumper car trauma, I'm having trouble remembering that special connection we had. Jenna is pretty much Harley Quinn without the makeup and giant mallett, Bibiana is still awesome, and David is still the worst human ever. Not like evil worst, or mean worst, or deceitful worst.....he's just like THE WORST.

I think that pretty much covers the first two weeks....let's get into tonight's episode!

I'd forgotten that Colton, who seemed pissed that Tia ruined his chance with Becca and then sort of led him on before kissing Chris, was the one that spilled the beans to Tia that Chris kissed Krystal. If I'm Colton, don't I just let Tia make a huge mistake with Chris, thereby freeing me up to date any number of girls that would want to watch me walk around Paradise shirtless all day? Objectively speaking, Colton is a pretty decent looking guy who is in ridiculously good shape AND has allegedly never slept with a woman. That seems like catnip to a girl that would be willing to be on a reality show. I mean, he's like good looking AND you'd have the chance to be the first to explore virgin territory with him (#dadjoke). And yet instead of just letting all this drama remove itself from his personal space, he decides to shake up his own personal sno-globe and watch everything fly around him. Good plan man.

Chris' response to being called out on this is to tell Tia that she's overreacting and just because he "had a moment" with Krystal and that him kissing her has not changed his feelings toward Tia. This Goose douche literally says that he would turn down a date card THEN says he's keeping his options open THEN SAYS that he decided that it was over between him and Tia BEFORE she started talking to him. Krystal witnesses all of this, is an active participant in this shit, and THEN SAYS THAT SHE'S SO EXCITED THAT CHRIS IS AVAILABLE. Amazingly, Chris then says that he needs tequilla and walks off to get a drink, and THIS is what offends Krystal. Him going to get a drink without talking to you first is more concerning than that entire disaster of a conversation tells me all I need to know about Krystal. She is EXACTLY who she seemed to be on Arie's season.

Jordan continues to be the greatest troll in the history of reality TV, telling Chris he did nothing wrong other than not "telling the world that he was making moves" before he made moves. I have no idea what this means. He then tells Tia that as long as her and Colton are on the same page "it's time for someone to be a man and someone to be a woman." I have no idea what that means, but I love it. Jordan being this show's Dr. Phil is the greatest thing that's ever happened on this show.

Jacqueline shows up, and this sends Tia into conniptions. All I remember about Jaclyn is that she's crazy smart. She basically talked Arie into a coma and then left on her own because she realized she was reading War and Peace while he was reading The Poky Little Puppy. She seems to want to take Colton on a date, which makes no sense, because the first thing out of his mouth is "so you're here! That's awesome!" If Arie is reading The Poky Little Puppy, Colton isn't very far ahead. Maybe he's Green Eggs and Ham. This is a guy that asked Chris Harrison what was "expected of him" in the fantasy suite.

Colton is frustrated because "all these girls keep asking me on a date." He turns down Jacqueline for the date because he doesn't want to hurt Tia. Tia says "I just want to be with someone who chooses me." Colton says "He's not there yet." Then they both threaten to leave Paradise because they don't want to be there just to be there. Then Tia tells Bibiana that it's her job to tell Colton how she feels.

These people suck so bad.  It's amazing.

Meanwhile, Annaliese tells people that she's finally figured out what she wants: Someone who is kind and adores her. Man, Annaliese and I have horrible timing. Annaliese decides this person is Kenny. Jacqueline immediately asks Kenny on a date. He says yes and SHAKES HER HAND. Annaliese is about to lose it. Kenny kisses Jacqueline, and then Kenny comes home and immediately goes to hang out with Annaliese, who serves him yogurt. Kenny likes this so much, he takes his shirt off. I'm so confused as to what the hell these people

We then get some filler content with all the people nobody cares about. Dork John is caught in a love triangle between dork Jubilee and dork Caroline. Socially Awkward Bachelor in Paradise is the not nearly as good a show as the original. I look forward to Trivago ads more than these people interacting on my television.

Kevin is still here and looks like Brendan Frasier in Encino Man if he started drinking when the movie came out twenty years ago and just never stopped. He's talking to Krystal when the GooseDouche pulls her aside and tells her "not to worry about the rose." He then pulls her aside and says she "is not what he was expecting." When she asks what he was expecting he responds with one word: "crazy."I feel like I'm watching the prequel to an episode of Cops where the officers show up just as a full beer can is thrown through the living room window.

Bibiana is now trying to talk Colton into loving Tia, and it's making her cry thinking about how nobody loves her. This show is incredible. I wonder how many emails these people have in their inboxes from therapists that are like "yo you need to call me."

After all that, Colton pulls Tia aside now they're dating and all I'm thinking is that we just wasted like six hours of television pretending these two dummies didn't already have an exclusive relationship.

Finally we have a rose ceremony. Did you know Eric was still in Paradise? Also some girl named Angela...and they're in a relationship? Drunk Encino man is with someone named Astrid.

Jordan then poses a bunch for Jenna, and they make out. Jordan then tells us that Jenna is awesome and that she says "uh huh" when they kiss and squirts coffee in his mouth. I don't have any idea what the physics of such a feat are, but I feel cheated that ABC didn't show this happening.

Back on Dorks in Paradise, John is getting a massage from Jubilee and they said some things to each other, but I fell asleep, so I don't know what it was.

David's still here, telling Bibiana that Kenny told him that she's got a big booty. Apparently this is enough to convince Bibiana that she needs to talk to Kenny. Kenny of course tells her she's fine and makes out with her. Annaliese, Jacqueline and Bibiana are all convinced they're getting Kenny's rose.

Bibs is using her booty, Jacqueline is using her brain, and Annaliese is using Mexican Wrestling Masks. Chess not checkers, Annaliese.

David is here to ruin Jordan's fun by hitting on Jenna by giving her a big stuffed dog which she names Brownie. Jordan is not impressed and chucks Brownie into the water. I can't wait until David gives Jenna his rose at the rose ceremony. Jordan's on edge. Nobody is impressed, except of course for crazy Krystal, who thinks it's great that he's standing up for his woman by drowning a stuffed dog and yelling at two women (Jubilee and Chelsea) who really have nothing to do with the situation. Fun Jordan is way cooler than Mad Jordan, but Mad Jordan says way more entertaining stuff. Eric and Annaliese talk him off the ledge, and he apologizes to everyone for his anger, in what was a very 2018 TV moment - the angry white man seeing the error of his ways and apologizing for being disrespectful.

Jenna accepts his rose, but not his kisses. Not out of the doghouse yet, Jordan.
David give Chelsea his rose, which makes no sense because that will NEVER happen.
Encino Man gives Astrid his rose. Whatever.
Goose and Krystal accept each other. They're getting matching tattoos next week. Bank on it.
Dork John gives Dork Jubilee his rose. Dork Caroline is crushed.
Grocery Joe and Kendall are apparently a thing. A boring thing that never gets airtime, but a thing.
Colton and Tia need to go home now. There's nothing left  for them (or us the viewers) here.
Eric and Angela are two actual people on this show. I just confirmed it on the website, and apparently they will continue to be on the show next week. I know, I'm just as shocked as you are.
Kenny has the last rose. Annaliese, Bibiana, Jacqueline are the contenders, and somehow Bibiana's butt and Jacqueline's brain lose out to Annaliese's luchador masks. I don't think America gets it, but I totally do. I still believe in you, Annaliese.

Nyssa, Bibs, Jacqueline, and Caroline hit the bricks.

And we get to do this all again tomorrow! It's been fun!

Bachelorette 2018, Episode 2

You know you're in for a good episode when Chris Harrison shows up and says "let me give you guys some advice." His advice is always "The Bachelor/ette is not here to mess around, and s/he will send you guys/girls home if you don't bring it." It's always turns the insecurity index up to 100, and somebody will crack and it will be glorious television.

The first group date is wearing tuxes and pretending to get married. They get in a large dressing room and the guys try on tuxes while Becca awkwardly stands in the middle of a dozen guys in various states of undress and says "I don't know what to do!" Lincoln is like a six year old trapped in a very muscular adult's body. He's like all smiles and giggles and single syllable words. "We're with the beautiful princess Becca! What else could a man ask for?" he gushes....because every man's dream is to get dressed with ten or so guys he's never met while a woman awkwardly stands in the middle of the room peeking through her fingers. It's a real life fairy tale!

Rachel and Brian (who are engaged but without a wedding date set) are held up as a paragon of what can happen on this show. The ol' we haven't set a date yet reminds me of people who shop at Aaron's Rent-a-Center....you want the 60" TV, but you don't want to really drop the cash on it. Or the ladies who buy dresses and strategically tuck the tag inside the dress to make sure your friends and the fellas give you the reaction you crave.

Turns out that we're not doing a wedding theme -we're doing an obstacle course. Rachel says that obstacle courses are dirty and hard, and that's just like a relationship! Becca says she wants a guy that's not going to cut and run when things get tough. I'm not sure exactly if she's saying that guys that suck at obstacle courses are bad boyfriends, or if a guy isn't going to try at the obstacle course would suck as a boyfriend, but I like to think I'm an above average husband, and I've never done a Tough Mudder, so.......

Anyways, Lincoln makes it sound like God willed him to victory in this obstacle course. All of the other guys seem to think he cheated (WHICH IS WHAT A SIX YEAR OLD WOULD DO!) Lincoln then says that kissing Becca is like riding to the moon on the wings of pegasus while dancing with unicorns on a pot of gold. Listening to Lincoln talk is the worst. He's singlehandedly disproving my long standing belief that everything sounds better when said with a British accent.

Hey Lincoln.......

 Lincoln then continues to yap, at one point having a chat with the picture of him and Becca taken earlier in the day. The guys don't like it when he talks to them, and they really don't like it when he talks to inanimate objects. Connor's had enough and frisbees the picture into the pool. I'll bet Connor feels like a real man for tossing a picture into a pool. Oh to be 25 again. He's strutting around, Jordan the male model is telling him that the whole thing was "epic" and then Lincoln loses his damn mind and tells a group of grown men he can't fight them because his mom would kill him. HIS MOMMY WOULD BE MAD! He then says the picture his broken, and along with it his heart. It is 2018, right? Becca can upload the .jpeg to Walgreens and get him another one in 60 minutes or less. This is not like the time my brother tore up my Dominique Wilkins poster that I ordered out of a catalog.

#NeverForget

Lincoln then comes to his senses and asks Becca for another picture. When she asks why, he leaves out all the parts about him parading the picture in front of the guys and how he was talking to it like she was there, and says "I have no idea why Connor would smash the picture." This guy really is a child. Get him out of here.

Anyways, Jean Blanc gets the rose for basically being the only person not to be weird. To repeat, the colognoisseur was the least weird dude on the group date.

The next day, Lincoln is still crying about this damn picture. Let's get on with this one on one date. Blake gets the honor, and Becca says she has no idea what's going on, as Chris Harrison planned the date. The date involves Harrison handing them sledgehammers and coveralls, like they're mafia hitmen or something. They get to break all of Becca's memories of Arie, and Lil' Jon is there to narrate! I don't think there's anything I want more in life than for Lil' Jon to follow me around and narrate my day.

Blake won the lottery here....a fun date activity that he didn't plan is making him seem way more interesting and fun to Becca than he really is. He then goes on to say that he fell in love with a girl after two months, and then he found out she was breaking up with him by sneaking a peek at some texts on her phone from her friends. Just know that Blake will look at your phone when you're not next to it, Becca. Take that thing to the shower with you! Blake gets a rose and some smooches. Becca says that if every day involves Lil' Jon and a sledgehammer, Blake is DEFINITELY husband material.

Becca's dates so far have involved an obstacle course, smashing shit with a hammer, and dodgeball. I think it's pretty clear she likes athletes. A bunch of kid actors start yelling at the guys and flinging dodgeballs at them at a high rate of speed.

They then end with a dodgeball competition in a trampoline arena announced by Harrison and the reanimated corpse of Fred Willard. It's sort of sad to see Willard this old...he doesn't really have his fastball anymore. It's like when baseball teams have old-timers day, and a mid fifties Orel Hershiser is throwing 60 MPH pitches to a 50 lbs overweight Sandy Alomar. Nobody wants to see that, and yet we actually kind of do.

Long haired Leo wins this date in my opinion, single-handedly giving the pink team a chance to win. He really brought it home when he deadpanned "dodgeball success doesn't come from biceps or your legs, it comes from the heart, and I was the only guy on the pink team with any heart." It's funny because it's true.

Becca then has a talk with Wills, who gets emotional because someone he knows (I wasn't paying that close attention) had their 50th wedding anniversary. Becca likes it though, because she says "I'm glad I'm getting to know you better," which is code for "I now know you well enough to let you make out with me."

DRAMA ALERT! Colton hooked up with Tia from last season! He has a very well rehearsed statement ready for Becca that involves the line "the timing wasn't right for me to grow a spark into a flame." Smooth. He then claims that he thinks him and Becca could have the time to light a bonfire or some crap.....on a television show....where you'll have to propose within two months.

Clay then does some touchdown celebration with Becca where he gets to kiss his QB. The guy has zero emotion. He's about as vanilla as it gets.

Not vanilla, however, is Jordan. He's walking around in his undies and he's going to catch Becca's attention. The chicken guy gets interrupted, and then gets really bitchy. He feels disrespected. He's not going to let this go. He actually says something about how "There's a time and place to draw attention to yourself, and this wasn't it." THE GUY DRESSED AS A CHICKEN FOR AN ENTIRE NIGHT! David then tries to say that there is right and wrong and there's not gray area (as if this is actually how the world works) and Jordan responds by totally butchering the word ingenuity, while also using it incorrectly.

Back to Colton - Becca is again saying how bummed she is to find out Colton made out with Tia, but for about the 10th time makes sure to tell him how attracted she is to him. Every time she says it, you can tell he knows he's a little closer to being forgiven.

Colton ends up getting the final rose of the night (SHOCKER) and sent packing are three guys I've already forgotten. A dude named Alex who looks a little like a dorky Tom Brady breaks down in tears because he was hoping to find love.

Coming next week - we see why Colton just HAD to get the Tia thing off his chest, Jordan says his face IS professionality, and someone ends up on a stretcher. We're all led to believe that there was a fight, but most likely a dude slipped on the edge of the pool. DRAMA!

Bachelorette 2018 Episode 1: I'll Do the Damn Thing Whenever I Want, Becca!

Alright, so we're back. Memorial Day is a terrible time to kick the damn thing off, because everyone is off doing damn things all damn weekend, so by the time the damn kids go to bed and the damn show starts, everyone is exhausted in the damn bed. Damn you, ABC.....so we're watching on a Tuesday, and you can't do a damn thing about it.

We kick off with a reminder that Arie has his own wing in the douche bag hall of fame. It's right beyond the Hall of Car Salesmen and just above the Frat Bro Auditorium. Then we get to meet the girls who have won the damn thing: Kaitlyn, JoJo and Rachel all show off their engagement rings to prove to Becca than love is possible for someone in her situation. Of course none of them mention the fact that they all got engaged at least a year ago and none of the are actually married yet......

 .....But that's none of my business.


Anywho, they all talk about how great being The Bachelorette is, then burn some sage because the process sucks and they need to exorcise some demons or something. Kaitlyn, who is barely even recognizable from when she was on the show, says nothing the entire time other than "why are we waving a giant blunt around?" So glad she's here for that insight.

Then we get our little intros to the guys. This is a good time to mention that some occupations mean more than others. We can't tell much from you being an athlete - there have been some good ones (Jordan Rodgers, these two football playing guys this season) and there have been some bad ones (Josh Murray, Arie)....but one occupation always alerts us that this person is going to suck: MODEL. Courtney Robertson was the first that I remember, and God was she a lot to handle. Now we get Jordan the male model. He really doesn't have a choice, he has to be a nightmare. It was foretold to be his persona from the jump, and he really plays it to perfection. Saying that his shoes sound like the heartbeat of a proper gentleman and he wore a sharkskin suit to symbolize his elusive pursuit of his prey....just oh my god. I asked my wife if manners had any impact on heartbeat, and she said "If yours suck, my heartbeat gets faster, is that what you mean?" Also, predators are not elusive. They are the opposite of elusive. They try to catch shit, not get away from it, you moron. He's a real life Derek Zoolander, or he's doing a damn good impression for television. Either way, I hope he sticks around forever, because he's fun to watch...sort of like why you're following Donald Trump on Twitter.

Joe the Grocer seems like a fun guy, but a bad grocer. If you're chucking your tomatoes around willy nilly, nobody is going to buy them, bub. Also, he gets so nervous talking to Becca that he just cuts himself off and walks away. That's gotta be a first. Also, an unhealthy number of guys reference Arie in their walk-ups: wearing a racing suit or bringing a cardboard cutout just seems like a terrible idea. You don't want her brain making any sort of a connection between you and the guy who shredded her heart and humiliated her on national television, dudes. Those guys are shooting worse than the Houston Rockets from 3-point range in Game 7 of the Western Conference Finals.

Not a big fan of Jean Blanc, who says he wants to say something in French because he has a French name, and then proceeds to speak French as if it's the first time he's ever used the language.  Je ne parle pas beaucoup Francias, but I think I could've done a better job, dude.

I'm a big fan of Garrett, the minivan driving jokester. He's just out there having fun, not taking himself so seriously. Meanwhile, the guys talk about how great Becca looks. One guy can't think of anything to add to the conversation, so he says "the sparkles on her dress are great," as if that has anything to do with her as a person. You could put me in a $2,000 suit and I'd still be the same dude who watches The Bachelorette while eating popcorn and drinking Pepsi in the dark. By himself. Don't judge me.

You know who you can judge though? The dude who says he and his buddies have a handshake back home that involves two quick high fives (while saying "bop bop" and then kissing the hand of the person. I have never kissed my buddy's hand. Any of them. I'm judging you.

I'm also judging the guy who brings in a full choir and thinks that Uncle Gary is going to be impressed by them singing a song that starts "I've got a rose, you've got a rose." Uncle Gary has watched the show before, and he knows that the Bachelorette doesn't have a rose....she just hands them out. I hope that guy gets to meet Uncle Gary, and Uncle Gary shuns his ass. C'mon man.

Clay the football player decides the best way to get her to remember him, is to play with some Play D'oh, which he calls clay. They decide to make sculptures of each other, while Clay tells her that she was his favorite girl on Arie's season....which, duh dude. Can you imagine if Clay had said "my favorite girl was Bibiana, but I'm glad you're here."

Christon dunks over Becca, which.......is that something girls look for in a man? I think it probably had more of an effect on the guys, who look totally shook that this guy in slacks just hurdled a fully grown human and threw a basketball through a hoop. Guys hate it when another guy can do something they can't do.

I love Chris the choir director pulling two dudes he just met aside to ask for advice. Naturally, he grabs the guy who can dunk, because duh. Turns out, he knows Chase's ex girlfriend, who (SHOCKER!) doesn't have anything good to say about them. This should go well.

Chris confronts Chase and says "Danielle texted me dude, said you didn't have the truest intentions....." at which point Chase cuts him off and says "dude I dated her for like a month, I mean..."

Don't say it Chase

"you know...."

Don't say it!

"women."

Chase cooks own goose. News at eleven.

Chase continues to make a meal of himself by going to Becca and BRINGING CHRIS ALONG to talk things out. Surprisingly, she decides to send neither of them home, sending Jake the dude from Minnesota home instead.

Jake references a Christmas party and tells Becca he's had "a very transformative year." Which is code for "I know I was kind of a dick, but now I think you're being the dick for not giving me a chance to prove I'm not longer a dick, which makes me look like a dick again for saying that there's something wrong with you." Jake and Chase.....chefs specializing in mariniating in their own idiocy.

I love the guy who claims he got a Harry Potter tattoo because he was looking forward to protecting Becca's heart. A quick google search tells me that the actual spell is "Expecto Patronum" which conjures a patronus.....but again, I wouldn't have caught that in the moment, and clearly Becca didn't either. PLENTY of Harry Potter fans caught it on twitter though, and they are not letting it go:

Ok but it’s expecto patronum , not expecto patronus #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/WOarjmmdm2

— Kate Marks (@bambi0921) May 29, 2018

IT IS EXPECTO PATRONUM, NOT PATRONUS. I SPY A FAKE FAN. #thebachelorette pic.twitter.com/G5P2ykMn1L

— Bachelor Boyfriend (@TheBachelorBF) May 29, 2018

So I watched #TheBachlorette for the first time and I’m still livid about the fake Harry Potter fan who tried to impress the girl with an “expecto patronuS” tattoo. I’m equally mad at her for not calling it out??

— Meghna (@meghna266) May 29, 2018

Also, the book came out 19 years ago, the movie 14 years ago, and you got this tattoo when? You're impressing a girl with a decades old movie reference?

That being said, one time a girl was impressed that I knew who Audrey Hepburn was (or at least she pretended to be impressed)...so maybe that stuff does work.

Also, Becca gave the first impression rose to Minivan Garrett. Good choice Becca.

Rose ceremony time! Becca hands one out to Lincoln the weird pooper, Blake in the bad red jacket, Ricky, Jean Blanc the fake french dude, Christon the dunker (girls do like getting dunked on), Clay the Play D'oh guy, Mills (or maybe it's Wills), Conner, Jason, Sean, Ryan in the flower jacket, Alex, Nick, Trent, Colton the cystic fibrosis guy, Chicken man, Jordan the model, the Long haired guy that looks like Weird Al and Fabio's lovechild, and a couple other dudes. Honestly, these guys have done next to nothing to distinguish themselves from each other in my eyes.

Grocery Store Joe is going home, but other than that, good riddance to the rest of these jamokes. Kamil seems completely unconcerned that he lost a shot with Becca, but he's very upset that he got embarrassed and that a chicken man "beat" him.  Chase still thinks that the only reason he's going home is because Danielle texted Chris and not because he made a whole deal out of it trying to explain his way out of a non-issue.

Coming up this season - guys fall in love with Becca, Becca cries a lot, Arie gets referenced numerous times, Jordan face IS professionality, Colton is a virgin (maybe?), an ambulance, lots of kissing, camels, a seaplane, and DRAMA!
https:twitter.com/bambi0921/status/100127710766
https://twitter.com/bambi0921/status/10012771076647731

Bachelor 2018: After the Final Insult

Tonight, a very special episode where we see how far you can push a woman before she murders her ex-fiance on national television!

Is it possible that Chris Harrison is a vampire that doesn't age? Before we get an answer to that, we have to watch Arie propose on what looks like an airport carpet in front of that turd brown river again. Man it really was a weird looking as I remembered last night.

"The more I hung out with you, the more I felt like I was losing the possibility of maybe reconciling with Lauren."

This is a thing he said to his fiancee.  A woman he vowed to "choose" every day. What a knob. Also, ABC's edit of this breakup tonight has Arie just up and leaving a crying Becca on the couch without saying anything.....and somehow that's actually better than what really happened.

Then we get shots of Becca flying home to Minnesota, and then we get Arie talking about how nobody knows what HE is going through. What a dummy. Then he flies to Virginia and creeps around the side of Lauren's house like a perv and has a panic attack.

Meanwhile, poor Becca has to pose for shots while looking at pictures of the douche that just broke her heart and read the love journal she made for him. This is awful. Now they're making her watch videos of them together on a laptop? This is too much. This is like making Cavs fans watch LeBron highlights after he decided to sign with Miami.

Lauren apparently knows that Arie has dumped Becca, because she jumps into his arms and gives him a big hug. Lauren has her best shoulderless shirt on.

Arie then tells Lauren that he didn't pick her because she had a "look" in her eyes one time on a plane. He then goes on to say that he picked Becca because he knew she would be a good wife......like Lauren wouldn't make as good of a wife? What is this all about? How is this working on Lauren? Arie then tells her he definitely made the wrong decision and that he is 100% over Becca. That didn't take long. What an absolute monster.

Remember last night when his parents basically said he should pick Becca because she'd give him a kick in the ass and take care of him? His whole family knew he was a dumbass fuckboy and thought they maybe had a shot to pass him and his Peter Pan never grow up act on to someone else finally. His parents KNEW he was too dumb to make this decision on his own, and they damn near pulled it off.

Oh good Caroline is back here to tell us how awful this is for her. She's brought some other girls...Bekah, Tia, Sienne, and Kendall. Tia drops the bomb that Arie already knew Lauren was gonna take him back before he dumped Becca, which.....damn man. That's pretty heartless. Lauren clearly doesn't see that what he did to Becca he could do to her....because well he's telling her all the shit he told Becca a month and a half ago, and she's eating it up like Joey Chestnut.

Becca's going to be alright, y'all. She's got all of America in her back pocket right now, AND she's not married to Arie! Becca seems like she's gonna be alright, y'all. I'm pretty impressed at her ability to realize this has very little to do with her....she fell in love with a guy who didn't love her back, and she's already on to the next adventure.

But first, here's the showdown. Of course Arie goes in for the hug. What a dick. I hate that Becca was too nice to shut him down in front of a billion people on live TV.

So Arie and Becca have their sit down, and the only thing he apologizes for is proposing to her in the first place? My goodness. I can't even with this dude. In the end, Becca goes too easy on him because she's a honest to God good person. Didn't make for great television, but whatever. She's got her priorities in order.

Jason and Molly are here to talk about how horrible it is to go through this. Jason is pretty good on TV, and really tries to explain that Arie is a good dude, but the Bachelor will turn you into something you're not. I wish someone had done that for Juan Pablo.

Lauren and Arie are out here talking about how this has made them stronger and how hard this was for them and how this love story had its ups and downs as if there wasn't a woman that was totally wrecked by what he did. Lauren's even out there talking about how Arie couldn't have been more respectful in how he handled this situation. Barf.

They talk a lot about how much they love each other and then he proposes. She says yes, and we get a great shot of their parents shaking hands.  Arie's parents, who were all "Team Becca" last night, now have to smile and break bread with their backup in-laws. That was my favorite moment of the whole night.

Oh, and Becca is the new Bachelorette. I think they had to offer it to her. She's a great person, but I'm not sure she's great TV. We'll see you in May!

Bachelor Finale: DRAMA

Well after Olympics and youth sports on Mondays the past three weeks, the blog is back for the finale.

To recap, we've got rid of Bekah for being to young Kendall for being too awesome, and Tia for being too Southern, aka "That's So Raven." If you don't get that joke now, wait a second.

So we're left with Becca and Lauren. If you've forgotten, Becca is the one with the dufus ex-boyfriend who flew to Peru to get embarrassed on national television, and Lauren is a human "meh" emoji. WHO WILL HE CHOOSE?

We're off to Peru, which seems like a weird place to end this season, until you remember that they've pretty much covered every traditionally romantic place on the planet over the past 20 years, and also that they did a date in a broke down bowling alley earlier in the season.

Arie tells his dad that he loves them both and that no matter what he does, he'll be picking the right girl. Somehow I don't think tonight is going to go the way that Arie thinks it's going to. I love how Arie's dad refers to him as "Arie Jr." as if he wants to make sure there's no confusion amongst the viewers as to who the real Arie Luyendyk is.

Arie's family asks Lauren which date stood out to them. Lauren responds "all of them." She's such a great communicator. She tells the real Arie that she's been engaged before and she's worried that it won't work out again. Arie tells his family that he has to do a lot of reassuring Lauren, and he's wondering if he's going to have to do that forever if he picks her. This kills me, because Arie was looking for reassurance from ALL THE GIRLS ALL SEASON LONG. He's basically saying I don't have time to reassure you, because I'm going to need you to reassure me.

Lauren just breaks down in tears while talking to Mama Luyendyk, and I'm already scared for her for what's going to happen at the end of this episode. Lauren says she surprised herself by being able to talk about her feelings with Arie's family, and I'm trying to figure out when that happened because the only feeling I heard her really talk about was being nervous.

Becca's turn. She meets ARie with a long kiss and tells him he looks good in his untucked denim shirt and jeans. Becca sits on a throne of lies. They sit on the edge of a fountain and rub noses and talk about how much they love each other and how today is going to be awesome.

Arie's mom is no dummy. She mentions Lauren was nervous about being engaged before and wondering about Becca's reservations....basically trying to get her to talk about Ross, but Becca doesn't take the bait. They show Arie and his mom talking, and she says "if I were you, I'd lean towards......" but they don't finish the sentence. I'll bet that's editing on ABC's part and she actually did have an opinion.

Arie Sr. tells Becca that he's sure she's met Lauren and knows how great she is......what a weird way to lead off a conversation. Becca says she's a great girl, but they're very different and she made better connections with other girls. "I hate being compared to her...it's like comparing an apple to a starfish" she says. I'm not sure who is the apple and who is the starfish. Arie's family misses no opportunity to let Becca know that they all met Lauren and liked her.....they're really putting the "dyk" in Luyendyk right now. Becca wants to puke and hates talking about Lauren. Can't say I blame her.

Arie's family definitely has a preference. Arie keeps trying to justify Lauren, saying "you don't see it, but she can be really funny and dance around and stuff." The family then says "ok glad we you justified that, but we love Becca for you." Arie Sr. says "you need a kick in the ass sometimes, and Becca's going to be the one to give it to you." Such a dad thing to say. "You never listened to me, maybe you'll listen to her."

Arie seems a little bummed his family didn't pick Lauren. He says he's going to have to drop her if she doesn't give him some more reassurance that she's the one on their date.

Caroline is back to talk about how hard this has been for for her to watch. Never before has a girl who got sent home so early been given such a platform. Screw her. She's basically Chris Harrison's hype-woman right now. She's up there to act as offended as possible to get people to keep watching, and I hate it.

Arie tells us he's pretty sure it's Becca, so it's going to be tough to go on a date with Lauren, but he's going to try to have fun. Such a gentleman, trying to have fun before he breaks this girl's heart. They head off to Machu Picchu. They take a train, point at stray dogs, kiss some, and talk about what their dogs would think if they ever met each other. They say things like "Wow. That's insane. That's so cool. That's amazing. It's incredible. We are lucky that we are here." Who knew Machu Picchu could render you speechless? I've never seen two people who tried so hard to say what they think they're supposed to say to each other. It's like bad high school theater of two people pretending to be married.

Lauren and Arie have another one of their deep conversations where neither of them have their heartbeat get above 45. Lauren's reaction to pretty much everything can be summed up in one gif:

Arie feels like he's in love with Lauren, and after making out with her and hearing how much she loves him, he's feeling like he should be marrying her at this moment. Uh oh. Clearly he completed his mission of having fun with her and now he doesn't want to break up with her because she might blink and say "I don't love that." That'd be hard for him to hear, I'd imagine.

Becca's got a lot of rain on the day of her final date, which is probably terrible foreshadowing for her. The bad omen's continue as they have a picnic in what looks like a random alpaca field as the wind whips around and thunder crashes in the distance. Can we talk for a second about how screwed Becca has gotten the past few weeks? ABC flies in her ex boyfriend but neither of Lauren's ex-fiances? Lauren gets a fantasy suite with a jacuzzi  tub, Becca gets a goddamn tent in the desert.  Lauren gets Machu Picchu, Becca gets an alpaca farm in the rain. If I didn't know better, I'd say ABC was handicapping this race.

Becca then shares her fears with Arie, who frankly does a shit job of reassuring her at all. Becca then gives him a scrapbook of their time together. She uses her "do the damn thing" catchphrase, puts in pictures with the caption "143"......she's like maddeningly normal. She'd be the boring girl on this season if not for Lauren, who is like a cardboard cutout of a Bachelor contestant.

Harrison then gives us the two bachelors who have done the multiple women thing before....Ben Higgins and Jason Mesnick. Ben famously told both JoJo and the original Lauren B. both that he loved them before dumping JoJo. Jason picked one girl, then after the show ended broke it off to pick the other girl. That was before my time watching this show, but I'll bet that was pretty crazy stuff when it happens. Also, for my money, I don't know why everyone thinks Ben Higgins was such a great bachelor. Without a doubt Brad Womack is the best one there's ever been. I mean, they had him on twice! He's the Archie Griffin of Bachelors.

Arie picks the ring with Neil Lane in one of Neil's shortest stints ever on this show. Poor Neil got his time cut so we could see this disaster play out in real time.

It's so weird to me that Arie the Dutch dude is proposing in Peru amongst all these Peruvian things....but I guess that's how it goes. Lauren's the first out the limo, and it doesn't look good for her right now. Lauren walks towards Arie, dodging alpacas as a muddy brown river flows rather forcefully behind him. What a weird setting.

Lauren says she's freaking out. Her expression says she is heavily sedated. Arie, being the great guy he his, says nothing. Lauren then lays her heart out, and Arie just shakes his head, before telling her she's not the one. Lauren says "I'm extremely confused." Her face says "is it time for bed yet?" Arie gives her a hug and says "I'm so sorry" and then walks her out. This was not very dramatic, ABC...and then before he drops her in the limo, she says "why did you do that?" Such a great question. Arie apologizes for putting her through that, then she says "I still love you." Arie kisses her on the cheek and says "I love you too." So very weird.

Lauren then asks a lot of great questions in the reject limo she should've told him when she had the chance, like "how could he propose if he didn't know what to do until 3 hours ago?" and then says "I feel like he's making a big mistake."

Here comes Becca, through the alpaca obstacle course to meet Arie by the Muddy River. She lays her soul bare in front of him, just like Lauren did. Arie then goes into his "from the moment I met you...." speech. Then he gets down on one knee, opens the ring and says "I choose you today, and I choose you every day from here on out." She says yes, and everything seems amazing. Honestly I thought he was going to call her Lauren. Arie says "when are we going to start having babies?" Becca says "tonight!" Oh man, she's super happy. What the hell happens?

We get some home video footage of the two of them making out and kissing. Then we get some filmed stuff of them together, which I don't think we've ever really seen before. Do they normally keep the camera crews on them? Arie's thinking about Lauren all the time apparently. Arie seems way too casual about what he's about to do to this poor woman.

So he's decided 100% that he's all in on Lauren? What if Lauren says no? What if Lauren says "dude, you had your chance?" We'll find out I guess, after Arie just eviscerates Becca on TV. People in the crowd start booing, as if Arie is making this decision to please them. You monsters created this man!

ABC goes double box on Arie and Becca's face, and Arie goes into how he's been struggling and that the reality is that that he still thinks about Lauren and then he says "the more time I spend with you, the more I realized that I might be losing the chance to reconcile with Lauren." Holy shit dude, do you not know how engagements work?

Arie then basically tells Becca she was the girl he was supposed to pick, but Lauren was the girl he should have picked. At this point, Becca takes the ring off her finger. She's done. Arie continues to try to explain himself, and predictably does a terrible job, because there's no justifying this crap. Arie then tells her that he's doing her favor by not making her go on "After the Final Rose" to talk about this. Then he says "I've put a lot of thought into this" which is pretty shitty to say to someone you just blindsided and has had literally five minutes to process your shady decision.

Becca then announces she is done, and walks off to pack her stuff. Arie then goes to tell her he's going to leave, and that he just feels like if he leaves now there will still be more to say. Becca just tells him to leave. He stands there and looks at her until she turns and walks into another room. He then slowly turns and walks out of the house as Becca cries in a closet. Arie, of course, doesn't actually leave. He just hangs out on the porch looking at the ring he gave Becca....because he's apparently trying to get murdered. Why doesn't he just call Lauren from the porch and ask her what she's wearing while he's at it?

Oh fuck me he's going back inside.

And then he knocks on the door and asks her if she's ok.....oh man. Oh man oh man oh man. What is he doing? Why would he do this? The only explanation for this is that he's not sure Lauren's going to take him back and he's trying to somehow leave the door open for a reconciliation with Becca, which....fat fucking chance bro. You are toast.

I seriously thought after last week that Ross had no shot of reconciling with Becca. He'd just basically embarrassed her and himself on national TV. Then Arie had to go all "hold my beer," and now I think that Ross may have just found his golden ticket to Becca's chocolate factory.

Arie keeps wanting her to say something, but I'm not sure what it is. Becca finally says "I feel like my future was ripped away." That's it. Hit him where it hurts. Then she follows it up with "I love you and I want you to be happy even if it's not with me."

NO BECCA. BAD BECCA. Do not give this sociopath any more validation.

Arie then tells Becca that he wants her to know how he's feeling, which is "in love with Lauren?" Cripes dude. What are we still doing here?

Arie better hope Lauren takes him back.

Holy hell....Becca is live in studio watching this? I gotta say I didn't see that coming. Remember how she said she was ready to start making babies the night of the proposal? What if she's pregnant right now???

Bachelor 2018 Week 5: Arie You Kidding Me?

So this week kicks off in Fort Lauderdale. What happened to the budget of this show? Didn't they used to leave Los Angeles for foreign countries immediately? Now we're going to spring break locations that are affordable to the brokest of college students. Tune in next week for a trip to Paris.....Texas.

Not wasting any time, Arie shows up and takes Chelsea out on a date. The rest of the women, who apparently left every article of clothing that covered their belly button back at the mansion sit around and complain about not getting the date. But wait...Maquel is back, and she's wearing a whole dress! It's like she's the one person that misinterpreted the invitation to a party and showed up in a costume. Poor Maquel.

Chelsea and Arie cruise around on a yacht and jet ski as the other women watch them through a telescope. This is what people had to do before Facebook to see what their exes were up to with other women.

Oh, you know, just watching this bitch straddle my man on a jet ski. No big deal....

Chelsea and Arie's date is pretty run of the mill, but at dinner Chelsea really lays on the tragic backstory. Her ex was apparently rich and made her life super easy. I get the feeling he was like ten years older than her and it was a really sugar daddy situation. Anyways, after seven years, she got pregnant and he dumped her six months after their son was born. He shacked up with another woman whom he is now married to and they have a child of their own. Chelsea says "I was left with nothing but my trash bags and my possessions." Ummmmm....and the kid, right? That adorable little bugger you keep reminding everyone you're missing time with while you travel around the country with this guy and his dozen other girlfriends? Reba McEntire Colonel Sanders has a song called "Fancy" about a very poor woman whose mom buys her a fancy dress to impress the fellas at a dance so that she can escape her life of poverty. I feel like that's how Chelsea is treating being on this show. Here's your one chance Chelsea don't let me down.

Chelsea (sort of) recovers by saying "I've never had less, and yet I feel like I've never had so much," which I think is a reference to her son, but really could be to her Twitter followers. Who knows. Arie buys it though, and gives her a rose. Good for her.

Group date time, and we're going bowling at the bowling alley time forgot. It's like that scene in Field of Dreams where Ray leaves the hotel and it's 1972 again. And why does this bowling alley not have pint glasses to drink beer out of? Everyone is drinking from those cheap plastic cups that you usually see at a dentist's office or something. Seriously, they couldn't even afford Solo? What happened to you, Bachelor? The show is like Chelsea....never had so little.

Arie tells the girls at the start that they're going to have a competition: winners get to go to an after party, the losers go home. Krystal is already pounding the beer from these little cups. At one point she leads the girls on her team in a prayer in which she asks her dogs to be their angels and lead them to victory. This is hands down the craziest thing that's ever happened on the show. Anyways, Krystal's team wins, and Bekah, Kendall, a couple of the anonymous blonde girls (Jenna and Lauren maybe?) and Marikh are sent to this weird locker room type thing to think about how they just lost a chance at furthering their relationships with Arie because they suck at bowling.

Krystal lines up her shot and "oh my god! There's Bekah!"

Arie quickly surveys the winning team and realizes that he doesn't get to tongue wrestle with the 22 year old or the crazy hot chick with the dead animals, and does an about face on the sending the losers home. Sports in America today man....orange slices, trophies and dates for everyone.

Krystal is super pissed about this  (she does have a legitimate beef here I think) and just continues to drink and rage. She rips off her bowling shirt in the living room of the suite and saunters back into the bedroom to drink some more I'd presume. She emerges later and tells everyone "I packed all my stuff I'm so mad that he went back on his word." This explains why she's wearing a bathrobe. SHE LITERALLY PACKED ALL HER STUFF! Krystal does what she says, God damnit. She lets the other girls know she will not be going on their date. The girls kinda shrug and give her a Cowboy Bill farewell:

 

 At the party, Arie, ever attentive, says "hey, we're all here!" After the girls correct him, he heads out to find Krystal. Classic Bachelor move. Nine girls happy to see you, one girl pissed at you for no real reason, and you abandon  the nine normal ones to go deal with crazy. I never understand why the girls don't just disband at that point. I remember one time I was at Shari's with a girl in college (not a date, just some late night food with friends) and she got up to go talk to someone else in the restaurant. Forty minutes later, she still hadn't returned to our table, so I figured she was going home with them and left. I felt like that was the appropriate response. Turns out the guy she was talking to had recently lost his sister to suicide, which kind of explained everything. Only she never told me that was what was up, so I didn't know. Live and learn. I'm off topic.

Arie goes to talk to Krystal, who is way less angry than her prior actions indicated. She's just kind upset that he told them one thing and then did the other. Arie denies doing this, but that's exactly what he did. He tries to wriggle out of it by saying he wasn't going to cut Krystal's time short, just extend the evening to give everyone time. Because everyone wants to sit around until 4 am to have a chance to talk to you, Arie. He leaves by saying "I think you should stay in the room, and I'll talk to you in a couple days." Arie just grounded her! The other ladies should approve: I think he just proved he'll make a great father with the way he handled that situation. 

Krystal, feeling a bit sheepish for her actions, unpacks a very flowery dress that looks like you might wear to an Easter family function and sashays into the after party just as Bekah does yet another Krystal impression. Do you think the other women are like "Bekah does THE BEST Krystal impression! Hey Bek! Do it again!" or do they roll their eyes as she makes the same joke for the 1,000th time? Krystal tries to justify her actions, but she knows she just did the exact same thing she's allegedly pissed at Arie for doing, so she retreats back to her hotel suite without even talking to Arie. Probably a good move, since he grounded you and would like totally take away your cell phone for violating your curfew.

Up next is a one an one date with Tia. They take one of those hydroplane thingys around the everglades looking for gators. Arie, realizing that he hasn't compared love to a demolition derby car or a dog show or a yacht or any other date prop on the show yet, chooses this alligator to be his allegory: "Looking at this alligator reminds me that love is scary."

Moving on.....Arie takes Tia to Gerald's house. I don't get the sense that this place is a hotel or a B&B or anything like that. It's just the shack of a dude that lives in the Everglades, seemingly miles from any other humans. Gerald is exactly the kind of person you would expect to live in such a place. He's very friendly, but you get the sense he's either hiding from the law or is required by the law to live out here. Gerald built this place with his bare hands after it burned to the ground "in the first part of 2000." WHO BURNED IT DOWN AND WHY, GERALD? Gerald likes to go "froggin'," which Tia helpfully describes as shining a spotlight on a frog and spearing it with a ten foot pole. Froggin' is not a healthy way to spend your time, Gerald. 

Tia wins the award for first girl to tell Arie she loves you, as she shyly avoids eye contact in her JC Penney Jr. Prom dress. Arie also looks like he's headed to Jr. Prom, in clothes he found in the back of his father's closet from twenty years ago. Nothing about this dinner says "romantic meal for two people contemplating marriage," including the giant neon sign behind them that says "LIVE BAIT." Nonetheless, they have maybe the most in depth conversation two people have had on this show in quite some time.....even going so far as to discuss their thoughts on God and if they can work out a relationship despite having differing theological viewpoints. They then kiss at the table before walking up by the Live Bait sign and kissing again. "I've been waiting for you to push me up against something," Tia coos, as Arie strokes her collar bone as he makes out with her? Seriously, what is that? It's not normal, and it makes me think that Arie has been taking lessons from Gerald on how to seduce women and murder them in the Everglades.

With all the dates done, it's time for the cocktail party. I'm expecting all the girls to have one on one time with Arie, but instead they all spend their one on one time with Krystal. It's amazing how, season after season, these girls always get so wrapped up in what the villain is doing and take their eyes off the prize. Bekah, Tia, and Kendall all confront Krystal who just continues to say the same thing over and over again: "I was hurt and who hasn't lashed out in that situation?"

Kendall does actually talk to Arie too, and she has this book of 100 questions. This was a popular thing in the 1990s....I remember having a book of questions and writing my answers down in it, but Kendall has made her own questions. Arie asks for #99 (his racing number) and she flips through and reads it:

"If you were amongst a tribe of people who had the ritual of eating the bodies of recently deceased people, would you try human flesh?"

I don't think I'd ever want to date Kendall, but God damn I need that woman in my life. She can be my neighbor. We'll invite her over for pizza and board games every Friday. I'll bet she gives the best answers in Balderdash. 

Krystal (ugh) also gets her moment with Arie, and she tries to wriggle her way out of trouble by suggesting that the date triggered her PTSD because her mom (who was emotionally unavailable) worked in a bowling alley, and the men she brought home from this bowling alley would make her promises and then not follow through. That's right, Arie.....she just compared you to the guy who picks up the shoe girl at the bowling alley and tells he loves her so he can sleep with her. Yikes. Arie does not seem to be buying it. "We just had our first fight!" Krystal jokes. "Could be our last fight too" Arie quips back, in the first likeable moment he's had all season. 

Take that, Krystal!

On most girls, I feel like that line might've sent them into tears. However, we're dealing with a girl who prayed to her dogs to deliver a bowling victory. Then again, those angel bowling dogs delivered, so I'm sure Krystal's convinced that it's their last fight because once they're rid of all these other bitches and living together in Scottsdale they will never be angry with each other again.

Rose Ceremony time! Only real drama is if Krystal will get a rose. She does, meaning Maquel, Ashley and Marikh are sent packing. Rough week for Maquel - grandpa dies, returns to the show to go bowling in Ft. Lauderdale, and then is sent home again. If she'd milked the dead grandpa thing another week, she'd have been cruising the Seine by the Eiffel Tower in Paris. Those are the breaks, kid.

Bachelor 2018 Week 4: Age Ain't Nothing but a Number

And that number is 14....as in Bekah is 14 years younger than Arie. This is a huge problem, apparently. You know what isn't a big deal? Maquel's age. She's 13 years younger than Arie, but nobody seems to care about that.

Harrison shows up and sends the girls into conniptions because they're heading to South Lake Tahoe! Ten years ago I probably would've been annoyed with the unnecessary distinction of "South" Lake Tahoe, but then I moved to North Albany, and now I totally get it.

Seinne gets the first solo date of the Tahoe portion of our journey. Arie goes parasailing with Seinne, and Seinne tells us that parasailing is "almost like flying" and "about letting go." Actually, it's exactly like flying, and it's not about letting go because you are literally attached to a rope. Parachuting....that's about letting go. Didn't this girl go to Yale?

Arie then tells Seinne that he likes doing things outdoors, and that's what he loves about Scottsdale. The average high temperature in Scottsdale is over 100 degrees all summer and that sounds miserable to be outside. I guess the temps being in the sixties and seventies all winter would be nice though.

So far this episode sucks. Seinne is too chill to be interesting, and Arie just can't carry a conversation. The boring episode is salvaged a little bit, but unfortunately it's because Maquel's grandfather died. She's heading out, and the other girls just sit on the couch and watch her cry and pack in silence. I can't tell if this is bullshit editing by ABC to make the girls look like heartless monsters or if they're actually all that psychotic. Either way, I feel terrible for Maquel.

The group date names are announced, and it's only significant because Bekah isn't named, meaning she gets the one on one. Krystal is pissed and doesn't understand why he'd take someone so young on the date. The translation is that she is pissed he didn't take her on another one on one date. I'll never get why every season there's always one girl that thinks she's the only one on the show and doesn't understand that for there to even be a show, he has to at least pretend to like a few other girls. Actually, he doesn't even have to pretend...he just has to go on dates with other girls so ABC can pretend he likes them. Krystal sucks

Back on the solo date, Seinne tells Arie she wants him to teach her how to wink. Can you learn how to wink, or is it like rolling your tongue? I have no idea, so I googled "learn to wink." There are some great suggestions like "focus on your eye and think 'move, move, move'" and "hold one eye open with your fingers while you close the other one." Tell me you wouldn't love to see Arie trying to train Seinne's eyes to wink. Instead, Arie laughs his weird semi creepy laugh and then we move on. Seinne is now reminding us that there were no fairy tale love stories involving black women pre-Princess and the Frog. She says something about how she feels like her being on this show is something young black girls can look up to. I can't tell if she actually thinks that, or if she's using that Yale education to put Arie on the spot and feel like he's letting all the girls from minority races down if he lets her go. It's a pretty strong play though either way.....and it works. She gets the rose.

 Time for the group date. Arie takes the ladies out into the woods to have a survival date with the straight up creepiest couple in Reality TV history. This serial killer looking dude and his British wife are super excited to get these girls to pee in canteens in case they need to drink it....as if they're going to be out in the Tahoe wilderness for a month instead of two hours. Arie then drinks his "pee" which is actually apple juice. Marikh says that Gandhi drank his own pee because he thought it was nutritious, which is the kind of fake news bullshit that is ruining America. Donald Trump would be super proud of that one.

Up next is some bug eating and then a nature hike to a secluded hot tub. Krystal tries to canoodle up to Arie, which leads to one of the best moments in Bachelor history in my opinion. Caroline and Tia then cuddle exactly like she's cuddling with Arie and say "we have strategy too!" which kills the cuddle vibe for Arie and also tips Krystal a little closer to crazy town. Now all of a sudden she's too mature to be in the hot tub and starts talking about how she feels like she's in high school and everyone's in love with the camp counselor. If that's what happens at high school girls camps, I need to advise every adult male to not be a camp counselor unless they want to end up on Nancy Grace.

At the post party, Arie tells Lauren that "he should take her on a date" and he tells Kendall "She is so brave" because she ate a bug. The way Arie talks to them kind of reminds me of that nervous interview guy that Chris Farley used to play on SNL....."remember that time you ate a bug and then we kissed? That was awesome."

Krystal then dominates the remainder of the night, whining to Arie about how ostracized she feels and blah blah blah. She then whispers to Arie that he should tell Tia, who is tryign to interrupt, that he needs one more minute, which is diabolical...and totally works because Arie is a total wuss. She then calls Tia and Caroline over to tell her that they hurt her feelings by poking fun at the fact that she was cuddling with the only man in the hot tub. Krystal then tells Tia that she is here for Arie, otherwise she wouldn't be putting up with her bullshit. Amazing.

Tia then cries on Arie's shoulder....not because Krystal is frustrating her, but because she's scared of how much she likes him.

Thankfully this date comes to an end, and Tia gets it. Krystal is flummoxed. Arie wastes no time in leaving the girls to kill each other, as he all but sprints out of the room and says "welp see ya later!" What a douche. I don't get what these girls see in him really.....maybe he's better off camera, but all I see is a sorta good looking guy with really dumb jokes and no ability to engage in a serious or deep conversation. If you were the Bachelorette and signed up all the realtors in Scottsdale, would he even make it out of the first night?

Arie and Bekah like to talk about how deep and enriching their conversations are, but all we hear is talk about the weather and how they've never been to Tahoe and how good they are at kissing each other and how pretty the water is and holy shit it's all just filler between kisses. I don't care if you guys are just horny for each other, but don't patronize America by telling us how deep you are.

I thought about typing everything that these two said to each other to illustrate how insanely inane the conversations these two have are...but it really just ended up being both of them saying "like" and "you know" to each other sixty billion times

Arie wraps up the date by threatening to send her home because "she's the most amazing person he's ever met in his life, but he NEEDS a wife." He doesn't, he just sends gives her a rose and tells her he's lucky she's there. He'll send her home next week.

Arie then kills the cocktail party and makes all the girls start sweating by heading straight to the rose ceremony. I like how it's seen as a kind gesture to the girls going home to make them get all dressed up and then send them home before the free food and booze at the fancy party. Krystal then pulls a Krystal and steals Arie away during the rose ceremony to get her final word in. I'm looking forward to all the girls accepting roses and then immediately giving them back if Krystal doesn't go home. It'll be like that scene in Rudy where all the players lay their jerseys down until Rudy gets to play.

Also, why don't all the other girls then demand the same amount of one on one time he just gave Krystal? That only seems fair and if Arie is willing to hear one girl out and not you, then you don't want to be with him anyways. It's a bold move and one I think would win the hearts of America.

Lauren, Ashley, Becca, Chelsea, Jenna, Kendall, Jacqueline, Marikh, and Kendall join Tia, Seinne and Bekah with roses. Gone are Caroline and Brittney. I had Caroline going far because she seemed like one of those under the radar girls that is just nice and easy to get along with but doesn't do anything that merits TV time. Will Maquel make a re-entry next week? Will Krystal be murdered in her sleep?

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK!

Bachelor 2018 Week 3: How Many Traumas Can One Girl Endure?

We come back and the girls are all emotionally and physically drained from talking and drinking all night. I love how many of them wear glasses when they're not trying to impress Arie. I don't think I've ever noticed that before.

Chris Harrison gets his screen time by telling the girls that "behind every man is a strong woman....and we're going to put that to the test tonight." It's time for GLOB.

Arie is wearing a mask like the dorkiest Zorro of all time. We're gonna fake wrestle. We've got some sixty year old wrestling chicks: The Farmer's Daughter and Little Egypt. Little Egypt is pissed they're not pretending to be hurt and smiling. Little Egypt is all of a sudden turning into a military drill sergeant, calling people bitches and questioning if their mom's know how to spell their names. I love Bibiana's reaction of "bitch you don't even know my mom." There are some very sensitive people here. Tia quits too. Some people take themselves too seriously. I don't get why they're having so much trouble with the acting part. They're all doing a pretty good job of acting like they're interested in Arie.

Tia is taking it especially hard, crying and afraid she's going to get hurt. The classic "Imma cry and pout until Arie shows me attention." The girls come up with wrestling names like "Sex Kitten," "Gold Digger," and "Bridezilla." Not much imagination, but then again the costumes are all they have to go off of. It's not like they really had much time to craft a persona.

Kenny from last Bachelorette shows up to wrestle Arie. I have to admit that while they are terrible wrestlers and their costumes and personas are cheesy as hell, I'm still enjoying this group date more than most. The goofy costumes seem to be helping them remember that this is just for fun and not super serious, and they're actually enjoying it and having a good time. Marikh and Lauren B. do what I could only describe as "interpretive wrestling." It's all slow and graceful and seems like it needs a soft violin solo as a backing track.

After wrestling, Arie takes the girls to a swanky trailer park complete with a rustic barn with couches in it.  Krystal gets the first one on one time, and Arie straight up tells her she's sexy and that it's hard for him to focus on the other girls when she's on a group date. Dial it back a little Arie. Krystal asks if she should hang back a little on the group dates or be more aggressive, and Arie tells her "you do you" because either he's too much of a wuss to tell her what he wants, or because he wants to be a vague as possible to make her overthink it so she does something really dumb. I don't think he needs to worry about that with Krystal....she's gonna do something dumb no matter what. I can't tell if she's a crazy genius or if she's just straight crazy. The voice, the velvet hot pants get-up she has on, the strange questions (everyone having a good time tonight? Does everyone feel like they had quality time with Arie?)....it's all sort of crazy.

Speaking of crazy, Arie gives the group date rose to Bekah, which makes Krystal immediately think "I need to be more aggressive." Well done, Arie. Your vagueness let her create her own crazy narrative. Bekah hasn't been aggressive at all that I've seen. She just kinda does her thing and lets Arie come to her. Nonetheless, Krystal decides that the way to combat her laid back coolness is to get more in Arie's face and cause more of a scene. It's like seeing a guy talking to the designated driver at the bar and vowing to get drunker to get his attention.

Krystal has already decided that she and Arie are destined to be together and she's just gotta put up with these bitches for ABC's sake. She again vows to up the aggressiveness.

Lauren S. gets the one on one date. The date card says "you had me at merlot." Lauren says "I'm thinking this date has to do with wine." I'm thinking Lauren isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. She shows up at the airport and Arie says he has a surprise for her. His surprise is that they're going to wine country. Worst. Surprise. Ever. You shocked literally no one. Lauren S. does her best to seem surprised, saying "shut up!" The date seems pretty wooden. Lauren says she hasn't been lost in the moment in a while, and maybe she's forgotten how to. I think it means she's not really into Arie.  Arie asks how she came to be on the Bachelor, and Lauren starts talking and may still be talking by the time you read this. Her story is about some specific work event, and then all of a sudden she says "by April, I was ready to be out." This somehow parlays into talking about her mom's eye infection and lord knows what else. She's sabotaging herself, but she doesn't really seem that upset about it. Arie then grabs the rose and tells her that he "really wanted this for us" but he's sorry he can't keep her away from her family.

That's a Bachelor series first! I've never seen the "family excuse" dumping used on anyone who wasn't a single parent. He basically just told her she needed to spend more time with her mommy. I'll never understand why the guy with all the power and a full stable of other ladies ready to date him back at the mansion feels the need to say things like "I wanted this so badly for us," or "I'd hate to keep you away from your family." That family thing is  bullshit, by the way. Whomever Arie picks has a family, I assume (unless it's Krystal.) I'd assume whomever it is loves their family and thinks that family is the "most important thing in the world." Is Arie going to move his mother-in-law to Scottsdale so as not to separate his bride to be from his mom? Of course not. So don't tell me that this six week vacation you're on is doing some irreparable harm to Lauren's relationship with her mom.

"Well, I used to be really close with my daughter, but then she went to Europe for a couple weeks and everything went to shit."

Krystal goes into mom mode and tells all the other women that Lauren S. was a beautiful soul and this shows how serious Arie is and blah blah blah. Really all that was was an excuse to mention to the women that she'd been on a one on one and a group date. Classic villain move.

The group date is a bunch of dogs. If I told you one of the girls on this date had a traumatic experience, you might think it would be someone other than Annaliese, because she's already had her trauma moment. Well, you'd be dead fucking wrong. Annaliese has apparently experienced every kind of trauma you can experience as a child. ABC raises the bar on reenactments by showing a tiny child and a growling dog. It really was Emmy worthy. Way to keep evolving, The Bachelor.

Anyways, the dog date sucks. I don't even understand what's going on. They're trying to make the dogs sit, but the dogs are wearing costumes? Is like a broadway production with dogs? How is it possible that none of these dogs understand simple commands like "sit?" Where did these dogs come from? I'm assuming Mexico, because their understanding of the English language was not good.

Arie and Annaliese have some of the worst one-on-one time in the history of the show. She's says she's nervous and she has a hard time reading him. Arie looks at the ceiling and says "yeah, it's hard. This place is cool though." That's pretty easy to read. In fairness, Annaliese gets the hint and grabs her jacket and pretty much starts booking a flight back home.

Arie and Becca then call each other dorks and Arie says he totally thought she was cool when she was hula hooping around her neck. They then kinda giggle at each other and make out. They're perfect for each other and quite possibly nobody else in the world.

Also, can we talk about Arie stroking everyone's collar bone when he's talking to them? What is that? I feel like it's a middle school move of "I want to touch your boob but I'm scared to tell you that so I'm just going to get as close as possible to let you know my intention and hope you take it from there."

Bibiana sets up an outdoor bed. She says "being in a cabana and gazing at the stars" is her. Tragically, Lauren B. stumbles across it and takes advantage. Bibiana comes to check out why her bear trap caught the wrong bear, but in maybe the cruelest twist, Arie asks her to give him and Lauren five more minutes. Bibiana deadpans to the camera "the struggle is real." Bibiana gets my rose this week and every week. She's like a human meme.

Bibiana's bed worked so well for Arie with Lauren B., he uses it again to get Bekah horizontal. It's almost like Bibiana is his personal date doctor. "Trust me dude, you get these girls on this bed and looking through the telescope, and they'll let you touch a lot more than their collarbone. I mean, it'd work on me......I could show you....please let me show you......"

Annaliese has decided that she's gotta kiss Arie if she has any chance of coming back next week. She leads him on a tour of the mansion and asks him for a kiss because she's heard that the girls have to make the first move, and Arie straight up shuts her down. As if that isn't a big enough sign that he's not that into her, she needs to hear from him that he's dumping her.

Once Annaliese opens the door for herself to go home, Arie walks right on through. "I hadn't thought much about sending you home, but now that you bring it up, yes. I think you should go home."
  
Bachelor Life Lesson #684: Never make it easy for the guy to dump you. Asking him if he's thinking about dumping you is a great way to do that.

In the end, Bekah, Chelsea, Caroline, Kendall, Ashley, Lauren B., Brittney, Becca, Seinne, Krystal, Tia, Maquel, Jenna, Jaclyn, and Marikh get the roses. My personal favorites Annaliese and Bibiana are sent packing along with Lauren S.

This week's top 4: Bekah, Becca, Chelsea, and Tia. They all put up strong showings.