Bachelor in Paradise: They're not even trying anymore.

It's gonna be hard to top last Monday's episode, but here we go.

Benoit is recounting to Kevin and Astrid how he had a great date with Jenna and how Jordan was waiting for them when he returned. Benoit seems scared of Jordan.

I repeat, he is afraid of a male model who dresses like the Hawaiian Punch guy come to life and beats up stuffed animals. I believe Benoit also was scared of someone on Winter Games for some equally sissy reason. It's almost like Benoit has never been exposed to the real world.

In other news, Chris just says to Krystal "your butt is unreal." When she questions him on marriage, he says "coming from a divorced family, the girl I get engaged to is the girl I want to be with forever," as if people who have witnessed stable marriages don't understand stable marriages. This is like saying people who grew up in non-smoking households are more likely to be smokers, or people whose parents aren't in jail are more likely to end up in jail. He then says that commitment is not a game and he's not getting married just because you have a kid together like my parents did."

 The guy who was talking about girls as menu items last week, who told Krystal her butt was unreal, is now claiming he's "100%" into commitment, and Krystal is HERE. FOR. IT. Krystal then says Chris making me glow, the timing for us to connect is divine," as if she just spent a week in Rajneeshpuram getting relationship advice (and drugs) from the Bhagwan himself.

This is immediately followed by Connor showing up. You might remember Connor as the square jawed frat boy villain in every college comedy you've ever seen. Connor pulls Krystal aside to see what she thinks because "everything looks right on her." Guys are the worst. Krystal tells Connor how awesome he is and how she came here specifically to meet him and how she wanted to keep herself available for him....and then shuts him down before he can ask for a date. DIABOLICAL. Krystal is absolutely insane. I have no idea how, but somehow this isn't over.

FIVE MINUTES LATER......

Connor is undeterred by Krystal's pre-emptive denial of the date card. He asks her anyways, and Krystal says "well I mean as long as you know where I'm at." Paradise logic is awesome. Try asking some guy's wife out on a date and see if she says "well, as long as you know that I'm married I guess it's cool." NO. IT IS NOT COOL, KRYSTAL. The moral of the story is that nobody will take you seriously if you call yourself The Goose. Krystal then straight up tells Chris that she came here for Connor, but that Chris "surprised her." Krystal is a black widow, man. Chris is going to end up a broken man, and I'm not sure what's going to happen to Connor, but it won't be pretty.

Krystal and Connor's "date" is to get buried alive while some guy sings in the background. Krystal seems to think that this is some sort of ritual to let go of the past and form a new relationship. I think they're getting cooked alive by a guy who's about to eat them. This leads to Connor howling like a wolf and them making out in the ocean. Naturally.

Jordan tells Jenna she's amazing, Jenna makes out with him. She needs to tell Benoit "some things." Those things are "I'm not going to kiss you or Jordan until I figure stuff out." This is followed by a lot of making out, because Jenna is super crazy too.

Jordan, of course, is not pleased with this. But rather than talk to Jenna, he accuses Benoit of brainwashing her and wants to know why he's kissing her when she told Jordan that she was done with him. Benoit is not happy with this line of questioning, so he storms off, muttering about how crazy Jordan is. Benoit is so mad, he angry grabs a water bottle. #CANADIANRAGE.

Kenny then bounces from paradise to see his daughter's dance recital....a noble move, but let's be honest - this was always his plan. I'm trying to imagine Kenny telling his daughter "I'm heading to Mexico, I might come back for your dance recital. We'll see how things go." No way. So instead, he just goes down to Paradise and makes out with Bibiana, Jacqueline, and Annaliese, decides that Annaliese is the least likely to call him on his bullshit, and then plays the altruistic father card which Annaliese eats up. She's now convinced that she was with the perfect guy (that made out with two other girls in the hours before they got together) and he sacrificed their relationship for his daughter's love. He booked that flight home way before he even met you, sweetie. Annaliese is like an old house - you pick her thinking you can fix her flaws and wind up with something truly special and unique on the other side, but in reality you're just going to sink a lot of time and money into her only to find out she's got some problems that just can't be fixed, like a cracked foundation or something and you end up having to cut her loose for your own sanity. She's constantly on sale on Zillow, if you know what I mean.

Also, you're not going to believe this, but John killed himself. I've seen this commercial so many times I have no intention of ever watching this show. Then again, I said I was never going to go to the Shane Company for an engagement ring because of all the commercials...and yet when it came time to actually pull the trigger, where did I go??

Annaliese looks around and sees everyone else making out and decides that maybe Paradise isn't for her....until Kamil shows up. Kamil told Becca he wanted to meet her halfway....like 60/40. He says it was a joke, but she didn't find it funny. I didn't take it as a joke then, but watching it back, I suppose he could be telling the truth. Of course he wants to talk to Annaliese, who is already like "Kenny who?" This is the biggest flaw of the show, in my opinion. I know that a majority of these "couples" aren't nearly as into each other as the show makes them out to be, but they could at least act just a little conflicted when they go on to the next dude/lady.

Kamil says he's from New York, and immediately Annaliese says she's always been attracted to the "New York vibe." I could write a whole bunch about how insane this is, but I'll end it by saying that Kamil could not look less interested in Annaliese if he tried.

I gotta move on though, because Kevin just pulled THE DUMBEST shit on Astrid. I'm not sure if his plan was to make himself look like an ass and make Astrid a sympathetic character to the other guys and maybe give her a bump on getting another date in the future....because if that's was the case, then what he did was genius. I'm not giving Kevin that much credit thought. A relationship genius he is not.

Anyways, he tells Astrid that he wishes she would go on a date with someone else, so that he could be sure that she wants to be with him. What I think he really means to say is that HE wants to date other people.  He's trying to spin it like when they get back to the real world, everyone will want to date them, and they're going to be tested by all these people wanting to date both of them.

Somehow, this turns into Kevin crying and saying he thought he was getting married on the Bachelorette, and then with Ashley on the Winter Games he didn't know where it was going, but he "was optimistic." Given those two descriptions, imagine my shock when Kevin says the breakup with Ashley left him more heartbroken than he's ever been.

 Kevin goes to therapy twice a week because of his time on the Bachelorette shows. Makes sense he'd come on a third then. I think he needs to fire his therapist that signed off on him coming back.

Oh Jenna broke up with Benoit because Benoit is a ninny. Duh. Harley Quinn dates the Joker, not the guy who crosses the street when a guy with a leather jacket is walking towards him. Benoit sucks.

 Kendall now knows that Leo kissed Chelsea, because Kevin told her, then acts like she already knew and BLAMES ASTRID because she told him that she was going to tell Kendall. Awesome job, Kevin.

Kendall is mad at Leo for not being all in on her. This coming from a girl that is ostensibly in a relationship with Grocery Store Joe. Leo is mad that Kendall is mad at him, so he's going to beat up whoever told Kendall.

Why is Leo so certain it was a guy that told Kendall? Why couldn't it have been a girl who is a friend of Kendall's who is looking out for her?

Leo and Kevin yell a lot of things at each other then agree that they're both cool. Now Leo decides that Kendall is "being irrational" by telling him that Chelsea's kiss upsets her. Leo then just says a bunch of crazy shit, and Kendall does that condescending thing she did on Arie's season where she explains to someone what they're feeling and it predictably doesn't go well. Joe steps in.....and we'll find out what happens tomorrow night!

Bachelor in Paradise: Jorge is a Fraud

Two nights in a row! Last night was phenomenal, which gives me high hopes for tonight. On the other hand, how could it possibly live up to the example of last night?

You guys. I don’t think Jorge was a real bartender. I don’t think he actually opened a business as a tour guide. I know for a FACT he didn’t write a romance novel. Seriously, what was that? I wanted to just clown Arie, Lauren, Amanda, and Ben for agreeing to be bad actors in a five minute movie about a fake romance novel, and then I realized that if someone called me and said “hey let me fly you down to Mexico. You pretend to be a mariachi star whose girlfriend hates him.” Who says no to that? That sounds awesome!

Meanwhile, Leo comes in and all the ladies lose their damn minds. It’s like feeding time at the zoo. The promos keep trying to tell us that Joe and Kendall are one of the strongest couples in Paradise, yet it took her all of two seconds to say yes to a date with generic brand Fabio. I feel bad for Joe. Hell, I kind of was Joe. In college, I spent a summer in Colorado at a ski resort. It was kind of like Paradise, in that they just threw a bunch of people in their early 20s together for a few months. A small population, short time frame, you start to think there are feelings that don’t really exist. At the end of the summer, I actually had a girl say to me “I think I like you about half as much as you like me.” Been there Joe. I’ve been there.

Shortly after returning from her date with Leo, turns out that maybe Kendall is there too as Leo immediately makes out with Chelsea. Whoopsie Kendall. Jordan of course is there to tell us that Leo
is “sampling all the porridge” which I think was a reference to all the girls having blonde hair like Goldilocks. Also at some point Jordan refers to the guys all being in various stages of doing their laundry in terms of making relationship mistakes. If I were Jordan, I would start an app where people asked me for advice and I would equate them to some random thing. This show is dead when he goes home.

Tia and Colton go on a date, and surprise, Jorge has changed jobs again. He’s now a street DJ having a salsa competition. Oh look, Raven and Adam are here. Really they are here so Raven can tell Tia she hates Colton and thinks he's got bad intentions. "You deserve someone who treats you like Adam treats me" she says. Translation: I'm jealous that your guy is better looking and you two are more famous than me and my guy and it's not fair because you're only famous because I was on the show first and recommended you for it. Raven sucks.

Tia cries, Raven threatens to cut Colton's unused penis off, and then Raven feels her work is done. She's gone. Colton and Tia go to have a talk. Tia says she wants to be the first and best option always, which seems like a weird thing to ask. Wouldn't you want to be the only option? Colton vows not to look at another woman in Paradise, because Tia is his girlfriend. Tia demands to be asked to be his girlfriend, because #womenarenotproperty.

Benoit is here, and girls are digging the accent. Benoit pulls Kevin aside, Kevin says he'd like Krystal because she's blonde and high energy. Benoit starts off by calling her Kendall. Strong start, bud. He goes on to say that reality TV has "worked out well for him" twice already. He did not win Bachelorette Canada, had an on again off again on again off again relationship with Clare on and after Bachelor Winter Games....this is not a strong track record of success buddy. I want him to succeed with Krystal just to see the Goose's feathers ruffled, but I guess I'll have to settle for him setting off Jordan and getting his similie generator going.

Jordan is in rare form:
He says that Beniot "better have Jenna home to daddy early, because she's got a curfew."
He calls him Pepe le Pew and then says he's "the Diet Coke of French" because he's from Canada.
He calls him Jean Blanc 2.0

Meanwhile, Jenna is slathering her lipstick all over Beniots face, and I'm fully convinced that she escaped from Arkham Asylum with the Penguin and the Joker. I think the term I'm looking for is "Criminally Insane."

Want evidence? She thinks that the fact he was recently engaged is a good thing, because "it shows he's open to commitment." This is like saying "I know he just got fired, but I think that's a good thing because it shows that at least he can get a job in the first place."

Jordan tries to apologize by writing "I'm sorry" in the sand. This seems like a good start, but then he says "I mean, what's a guy gotta do?" as if she should've forgiven him already. Nice plan, Jordan. Jenna tells Jordan she had a really good connection with Benoit, but also with him. Jordan then tells Jenna that she needs to just let him know if it's not going to be him, because he's only here because of her. "Only one Jenna in the world," he says, as he walks off to bed.

I'm walking off to bed too. I should've known that the show couldn't have kept up the momentum that last night created.

Bachelor in Paradise: WTF Edition

The blog is back, and I promise it's not just because my son's soccer coach's wife wondered when I would blog again and I'm trying to suck up to get my son more playing time. (Hi Ashley!) But seriously, soccer is playing a big part in the blog returning. A tournament this weekend took all the energy out of my kids, and a cancelled soccer practice due to poor air quality allowed them to get home early, eat dinner, and be asleep before 9pm for what seems like the first time since they could walk.

You know, I really thought nothing could kill my love for blogging about Bachelor related TV. Then Becca's season happened. In what was maybe the worst season of the show ever, I just couldn't do it. Hell, I could barely watch it. I think I stopped blogging after week 2. I stopped watching on Monday night about week 5, and I didn't even watch the finale or Men Tell All.

And I don't want to put this all on Becca. Becca seems amazing. A good person, a fun hang, pretty, smart.....she's really somebody any guy should want to date. I just don't want to watch her on TV. She was too normal, made too many rational decisions, and -let's be honest - never would have been The Bachelorette had Arie not blindsided her on national television. Nobody was hashtagging #beccaforbachelorette before that episode. NOBODY. Afterwards, we all felt like she DESERVED it, but I think we all thought in the back of our minds "this really doesn't make sense."

Tia would've been a better choice (more on this later). Bekah definitely would've been a better choice, even though we all know she would've picked nobody or broken it off with the "winner" before the finale aired to go smoke peyote in a teepee in Flagstaff. But we got Becca, and then we got maybe the dumbest group of men ever. I mean, she picked a guy with a history of liking racially insensitive Instagram posts. THAT WAS THE BEST GUY OF THE BUNCH. Just brutal.

Anyways, things are better now. We're in Paradise, where people stop pretending that they're in love with someone just because they thing they're supposed to be, and start horndogging it up all over Mexico. Bad decisions abound. Tia, who was one of the most generally well liked personalities ever on this franchise, burned through all of that goodwill faster than I thought humanly possible. First she essentially blocked any chance Colton had with Becca with her wishy washy attitude towards him, then she decides to take that absolute moron Chris on a date. This is a guy who refers to himself as "The Goose." He calls himself this not because he likes geese. Not because he thinks they are majestic creatures, not because of some generally accepted noble trait of the species, and not even because that was the call sign of Anthony Edward's character in Top Gun. Any of those would be acceptable reasons to call yourself Goose. No, this jamoke calls himself "The Goose" because he want's people to know he's not the seriously deranged, out of control meathead he was portrayed as on The Bachelorette, but rather he's a "silly goose." To show how silly he is, he wears a Karate Kid style bandana, which is neither silly nor goose-like.

This one's for you, Goose

I figured Tia was maybe just taking a totally unlikable guy on a date so that she wouldn't be tempted to hook up with anyone before Colton showed up, but noooooooooo.....Tia asks him what he's looking for in a woman. Chris then spouts off a few very generic things about Tia's personality that are blatantly obvious to anyone who has spent five minutes watching the show, including that he wants to date someone who isn't from a big city or some crap. Tia, honey, a word of advice: Never ask someone you're on a date with what they're looking for in a woman. There is literally no incentive for the guy to tell you anything other than qualities he sees in you. If he says he's looking for a short girl who likes Pokemon and runs ultramarathons, the date is over. On the other hand, if he says something similar to your own personality, well then there's the chance for a kiss and some heavy petting before the night is over. Tia seems oblivious to this fairly obvious scenario, and is totally impressed that Chris described her to a T(ia) (#dadjoke).

Chris then pushes all his idiot chips in to the middle of the table rather than cashing out with Tia. No......The Goose is now feeling himself, so he's gotta fly and kiss KRYSTAL.

Imagine you are Chris. You nickname yourself Goose and refer to yourself in the third person while wearing a Karate Kid headband, and you've just hooked up with Tia, an absolutely gorgeous woman who (up to this point in the show) is generally well liked. Everyone would be impressed if you came home with her. So the first thing you do is find one of the most universally hated and generally agreed upon psychopaths in the history of the franchise and make out with her by saying "I've never kissed a blonde and I'd like you to be the first."

Side note, HOW DO LINES LIKE THAT WORK? One time I saw a friend of mine get a girl to leave the bar with him after the first words he said to her were "your hair smells nice." Thank God I'm married, because I did not, do not, and never will understand how to talk to women. I'm quite certain I'd hate myself for saying something like that.

So the Goose cooked himself, Jordan continued to show why he is one of the great characters in reality show history, and Annaliese is so far removed from the pretty girl that I bonded with over bumper car trauma, I'm having trouble remembering that special connection we had. Jenna is pretty much Harley Quinn without the makeup and giant mallett, Bibiana is still awesome, and David is still the worst human ever. Not like evil worst, or mean worst, or deceitful worst.....he's just like THE WORST.

I think that pretty much covers the first two weeks....let's get into tonight's episode!

I'd forgotten that Colton, who seemed pissed that Tia ruined his chance with Becca and then sort of led him on before kissing Chris, was the one that spilled the beans to Tia that Chris kissed Krystal. If I'm Colton, don't I just let Tia make a huge mistake with Chris, thereby freeing me up to date any number of girls that would want to watch me walk around Paradise shirtless all day? Objectively speaking, Colton is a pretty decent looking guy who is in ridiculously good shape AND has allegedly never slept with a woman. That seems like catnip to a girl that would be willing to be on a reality show. I mean, he's like good looking AND you'd have the chance to be the first to explore virgin territory with him (#dadjoke). And yet instead of just letting all this drama remove itself from his personal space, he decides to shake up his own personal sno-globe and watch everything fly around him. Good plan man.

Chris' response to being called out on this is to tell Tia that she's overreacting and just because he "had a moment" with Krystal and that him kissing her has not changed his feelings toward Tia. This Goose douche literally says that he would turn down a date card THEN says he's keeping his options open THEN SAYS that he decided that it was over between him and Tia BEFORE she started talking to him. Krystal witnesses all of this, is an active participant in this shit, and THEN SAYS THAT SHE'S SO EXCITED THAT CHRIS IS AVAILABLE. Amazingly, Chris then says that he needs tequilla and walks off to get a drink, and THIS is what offends Krystal. Him going to get a drink without talking to you first is more concerning than that entire disaster of a conversation tells me all I need to know about Krystal. She is EXACTLY who she seemed to be on Arie's season.

Jordan continues to be the greatest troll in the history of reality TV, telling Chris he did nothing wrong other than not "telling the world that he was making moves" before he made moves. I have no idea what this means. He then tells Tia that as long as her and Colton are on the same page "it's time for someone to be a man and someone to be a woman." I have no idea what that means, but I love it. Jordan being this show's Dr. Phil is the greatest thing that's ever happened on this show.

Jacqueline shows up, and this sends Tia into conniptions. All I remember about Jaclyn is that she's crazy smart. She basically talked Arie into a coma and then left on her own because she realized she was reading War and Peace while he was reading The Poky Little Puppy. She seems to want to take Colton on a date, which makes no sense, because the first thing out of his mouth is "so you're here! That's awesome!" If Arie is reading The Poky Little Puppy, Colton isn't very far ahead. Maybe he's Green Eggs and Ham. This is a guy that asked Chris Harrison what was "expected of him" in the fantasy suite.

Colton is frustrated because "all these girls keep asking me on a date." He turns down Jacqueline for the date because he doesn't want to hurt Tia. Tia says "I just want to be with someone who chooses me." Colton says "He's not there yet." Then they both threaten to leave Paradise because they don't want to be there just to be there. Then Tia tells Bibiana that it's her job to tell Colton how she feels.

These people suck so bad.  It's amazing.

Meanwhile, Annaliese tells people that she's finally figured out what she wants: Someone who is kind and adores her. Man, Annaliese and I have horrible timing. Annaliese decides this person is Kenny. Jacqueline immediately asks Kenny on a date. He says yes and SHAKES HER HAND. Annaliese is about to lose it. Kenny kisses Jacqueline, and then Kenny comes home and immediately goes to hang out with Annaliese, who serves him yogurt. Kenny likes this so much, he takes his shirt off. I'm so confused as to what the hell these people

We then get some filler content with all the people nobody cares about. Dork John is caught in a love triangle between dork Jubilee and dork Caroline. Socially Awkward Bachelor in Paradise is the not nearly as good a show as the original. I look forward to Trivago ads more than these people interacting on my television.

Kevin is still here and looks like Brendan Frasier in Encino Man if he started drinking when the movie came out twenty years ago and just never stopped. He's talking to Krystal when the GooseDouche pulls her aside and tells her "not to worry about the rose." He then pulls her aside and says she "is not what he was expecting." When she asks what he was expecting he responds with one word: "crazy."I feel like I'm watching the prequel to an episode of Cops where the officers show up just as a full beer can is thrown through the living room window.

Bibiana is now trying to talk Colton into loving Tia, and it's making her cry thinking about how nobody loves her. This show is incredible. I wonder how many emails these people have in their inboxes from therapists that are like "yo you need to call me."

After all that, Colton pulls Tia aside now they're dating and all I'm thinking is that we just wasted like six hours of television pretending these two dummies didn't already have an exclusive relationship.

Finally we have a rose ceremony. Did you know Eric was still in Paradise? Also some girl named Angela...and they're in a relationship? Drunk Encino man is with someone named Astrid.

Jordan then poses a bunch for Jenna, and they make out. Jordan then tells us that Jenna is awesome and that she says "uh huh" when they kiss and squirts coffee in his mouth. I don't have any idea what the physics of such a feat are, but I feel cheated that ABC didn't show this happening.

Back on Dorks in Paradise, John is getting a massage from Jubilee and they said some things to each other, but I fell asleep, so I don't know what it was.

David's still here, telling Bibiana that Kenny told him that she's got a big booty. Apparently this is enough to convince Bibiana that she needs to talk to Kenny. Kenny of course tells her she's fine and makes out with her. Annaliese, Jacqueline and Bibiana are all convinced they're getting Kenny's rose.

Bibs is using her booty, Jacqueline is using her brain, and Annaliese is using Mexican Wrestling Masks. Chess not checkers, Annaliese.

David is here to ruin Jordan's fun by hitting on Jenna by giving her a big stuffed dog which she names Brownie. Jordan is not impressed and chucks Brownie into the water. I can't wait until David gives Jenna his rose at the rose ceremony. Jordan's on edge. Nobody is impressed, except of course for crazy Krystal, who thinks it's great that he's standing up for his woman by drowning a stuffed dog and yelling at two women (Jubilee and Chelsea) who really have nothing to do with the situation. Fun Jordan is way cooler than Mad Jordan, but Mad Jordan says way more entertaining stuff. Eric and Annaliese talk him off the ledge, and he apologizes to everyone for his anger, in what was a very 2018 TV moment - the angry white man seeing the error of his ways and apologizing for being disrespectful.

Jenna accepts his rose, but not his kisses. Not out of the doghouse yet, Jordan.
David give Chelsea his rose, which makes no sense because that will NEVER happen.
Encino Man gives Astrid his rose. Whatever.
Goose and Krystal accept each other. They're getting matching tattoos next week. Bank on it.
Dork John gives Dork Jubilee his rose. Dork Caroline is crushed.
Grocery Joe and Kendall are apparently a thing. A boring thing that never gets airtime, but a thing.
Colton and Tia need to go home now. There's nothing left  for them (or us the viewers) here.
Eric and Angela are two actual people on this show. I just confirmed it on the website, and apparently they will continue to be on the show next week. I know, I'm just as shocked as you are.
Kenny has the last rose. Annaliese, Bibiana, Jacqueline are the contenders, and somehow Bibiana's butt and Jacqueline's brain lose out to Annaliese's luchador masks. I don't think America gets it, but I totally do. I still believe in you, Annaliese.

Nyssa, Bibs, Jacqueline, and Caroline hit the bricks.

And we get to do this all again tomorrow! It's been fun!

Bachelor in Paradise, Week 3: For all the Wrong Reasons

I can't even get into a top five this week, because it was really all about one situation: Joe vs. Everyone not Named Sam.  We'll get into that in a second, but first, a few other observations:

• What happened to Ashley I? She was the unquestioned star of the first week, and I feel like we've seen nothing of her since....except for her weird way of peeing in the ocean.  Why not wade out to your waist and then pee?  Why squat in the surf?  So bizarre.  Anyways, we need more of her and her special brand of awkwardness.  Looks like we might get it in the coming weeks.
• Clare's Raccoon This used to be funny, now it's just overblown.  Wasn't the raccoon in Paradise last week?  Now he's at her house?  It's just too much.  Also, her freaking out that there's nobody to love her has got to stop.  I can promise you, there are hundreds of guys out there that would date Clare.  Take this guy for example:
  

  @Clare_Crawley I joined Twitter to remind you that you're a beautiful person. Your actions speak louder than TV editing. You deserve love.

  — Terrace Althouse (@TerraceAlthouse) August 12, 2015

  
  
  She's got options, so don't act like the fact that a bunch of drunk fame-whores not wanting to hook up with you is the end of the world.
• The return of Crazy Ashley S. I think this woman is quite possibly the smartest person ever to be on this show, and she's a HAIR STYLIST.  I think she understands people and their intentions incredibly well.  And I think she tried to play it straight for Dan.  But when Dan got bored with her, well.....now it's time for the circus to come to town.  And while I love grounded, intelligent Ashley, half-cocked, bird-talking, crazy-eyes, "MESA VERDE" Ashley is so much better for television.  The only problem is that nobody wants to sleep with that version, so her time on the show is probably numbered.
• Bachelor Math Every episode, some cast member gives us a break down of who's there and who has to leave, like it's a freaking third grade math problem. There are TEN girls here now, and only SEVEN guys. That means that THREE girls are going home this week.  We know how it works, we're not morons.  Yet every week, they explain it to us like it's this big surprise. "Three you say?!?  Holy crap, I had no idea!"

Ok, now back to the main event.  You might not agree with me on this, but....I think Joe is getting a bad rap.  He's a douche, but is he really that much more of a douche than JJ (with his moronic pickup lines and misogynistic comments like "she's not on my plane intellectually, but she's got a couple nice assets that make us a good couple?"  Is he worse than lyin'-ass Josh who's poppin Molly at the club then telling Tenley "nah, girl, that was a one time thing?"  I don't think so.  It was revealed during the show that the cast members submit a list of people they'd like to bang, and ABC happily obligies like the madam at a Las Vegas brothel.  Joe was there to meet Sam.  Sam wasn't there.  Joe needed to stick around to spend time with Sam.  When Joe showed up, Ashley S was with Dan, Jade was with Tanner, Clare had Mikey/Jared, Tenley was occupied with most of the other dudes there, Carley and Kirk were joined at the hip.....he didn't have a lot of options.  He basically dangled that date out there like a worm on a pole and waited for a fish to take a bite.  You know who bit?  Juelia.  The fish that needs love more than anyone not named Clare.  She asked to go on the date with him.  He needed a rose, she needed to feel special.  Did he take it too far?  Probably.  But remember, guys were already starting to run to Juelia saying that he was a bad dude.  He had to say that he was interested in her daughter and contemplating a move to Oregon (we don't want you, Joe) and make out with her to make sure she didn't doubt him enough to give her rose to a "nice" guy like Mikey T. or Jonathan.  And it worked.  

Then, we had to go through literally four hours this week of people trying to get him to admit to being a bad guy.  First the guys have a shot.  Joe tries to downplay his relationship with Sam prior to the show.  The guys know he's lying.  They tell the girls.  The girls try talking to Sam.  Sam shuts them down.  Now all of a sudden, Sam is somehow responsible for Joe's bad behavior.  This is a girl move that I never understand.  Your friend gets cheated on, and it's somehow the other woman's fault?  I just don't get it.  Apparently Sam and Juelia were friends prior to coming on the show, but when Sam asked Joe to go on the date, Juelia didn't go over to her and say "hey look, we've got a good thing going, could you maybe pick someone else?"  She just let her go.  This is followed by the comically idiotic scene of Joe and Sam, who have MICROPHONE PACKS STRAPPED TO THEIR BODIES, trying to have a "secret" conversation behind a bunk bed.  Essentially the only parts of their bodies hidden from the camere were their faces and their knees, yet they think they're hidden?  This is the toddler philosophy of hide n' seek - if you can't see my face, I'M INVISIBLE.  Also, you could literally BE invisible, and we'd still hear everything you say thanks to the aforementioned microphones.  It was pathetic to watch.  

But the real absurdity of the whole situation is that people keep bringing this up to Joe OVER and OVER and OVER, but I don't know what their end game is.  To catch him in a lie?  We already know that he lied.  He's admitted to using Juelia to stay around to get time with Sam.  To get him to apologize to Juelia?  What will that solve?  Juelia isn't going to forgive him, and she's not going to get that time back.  Multiple guys have said "Juelia spent that time with Joe that she could've used to cultivate a relationship with someone who actually liked her back."  WHO IS THIS MYTHICAL PERSON?  They've all had a chance to establish that connection.  Mikey tried, and got shut down.  Jonathan made an attempt, but that went nowhere too.  Juelia is the Mikey T. of the girls:  everyone of the opposite sex loves her as a person, but nobody wants to date her.  The only difference is that Juelia isn't throwing herself at every guy she talks to.  It really seems as if everyone wants Joe to break up with Sam, admit he treated Juelia badly, and then GET BACK TOGETHER WITH JUELIA.  This is insane.  Nobody wants that, yet that's what they all seem to be implying.  

Now, if you want to knock Joe for calling Juelia stupid, for yapping about people being 35 and "running around on a TV show" as if he won't be doing the same damn thing if offered a spot in five years (he's 28), or for just being a caveman with hair products, go for it.  But this bashing of him for maneuvering to get a date with the girl he actually wants to date has to stop.  He made the case that Jared went on a date with Ashley, made her feel special, then went after Clare.  You could say that Dan is doing sort of the same thing to Ashley, only he at least told her he didn't see a future with her.  Point is, he's still sucking face with Amber hours after ending it with Ashley.  It's all crap.  They all want to be on the show as long as possible, to get atrocious sunburns and free booze and have a better chance of not having to get a real job when the show ends.  So let's just move on to something else, shall we?  I'm done with this.

Bachelor in Paradise, Week 2: Put the Molly in the Coconut......

So this week continued on the themes of last week:  Lauren I. continues to hate being there, Mikey continues to not have any sort of a clue about how people perceive him, and everyone continues to apparently disregard every warning they ever heard about using sunblock.  Onto this week's power rankings:

Women in their 30's: I'm not sure when the switch actually happened, but the women attracting the most men are the elder stateswomen of the group.  Clare has multiple guys angling for her (or had, until her rambly speech about how her friends never ask her how she's doing or what she wants), Tenley barely makes it back to the cabana before a new dude scurries her off to some other part of Mexico attached to her lips, and Juelia....well Juelia has a lot of guys using her to get a rose.  It's like a four hour weekly infomercial for cougarlife.com:

Joe:  Definitely not the most popular guy around, but boy did he ease right on in to that villain role.  He finds the desperate widow who doesn't really have an attachment to anyone and makes her feel special to earn him a rose to apparently hang around to meet a girl named Samantha that nobody really remembers except for him.  Of course he says all the right things to her while telling production assistants that she's "not very smart" and sucks at kissing and all sorts of other unflattering things.  Joe's a jerk, but as pointed out on After Paradise, he has to do something to get a rose from a girl in order to even have a chance to connect with Samantha, who isn't even there yet.

Josh:  Who saw the drug thing coming?  The backwater yokel from smalltown Idaho gets a little taste of the nightlife and starts changing the words of Harry Nilsson's classic song:

Put the LIME in the coconut, idiot!

I'll bet that bar he referenced in LA that's passing out drug filled coconuts is pissed.  Juelia should take him out on a date, because you know he'll take her extra "e." (drug pun, and also a good reminder that Juelia spells her name wrong.) Of course, when Tenley questions him about it, he shrugs it off like it was no big deal.  If I remember correctly, he got booted from Kaitlyn's season after saying something to the guys and then flat out denying it to Kaitlyn in front of them, or something along those lines.  So it isn't this guy's first rodeo with "misremembering" what happened.  Of course Tenley gives him the rose, apparently oblivious to red flags.

Ashley S:  Count me among the people who think the whack job thing is basically her Verbal Kint persona that hides the Keyser Soze underneath.   Once she got on the Bachelor with Chris Soules, she realized he was a doof and had to get out of there....but how to do it while still ensuring she would get the level of fame that would allow her to continue to capitalize on her appearance?  Act like a psychopath.  As a result, she goes Mesa Verde on people and talks to animals, parlays the nutjob act into a spot on Bachelor in Paradise, where she meets Dan, a guy with an acutal personality, talks to a few parakeets for effect, and poof....she's happy and can collect appearance fees for the next couple years.  She seems like an actually intelligent person, and one of the first people to see through Joe.

Jonathan:  This guy.  He goes from playing the token minority guy on Kaitlyn's season, to Mr. "I've had threesomes with sisters and, oh yeah, did I mention I've bagged my fair share of virgins?" in the first week, to Joe's patsy in the second week.  Did Joe have his kid tied up in a Brooklyn basement? (Notorious BIG "Hypnotize" reference)  I just didn't get it.  He's crying and apologizing to Joe for what?  For telling Juelia what he observed?  It was all so weird.  Also weird was his spot on After Paradise, where Mean Jenny from Twitter says that Joe did him a favor by making him likeable again after the "virgin" comments.  No.  This is not true.  He's not likeable, he's an idiot.  This guy can't think for himself.  I'm worried about his child.  

After Paradise:  Tenley was the star of this week's episode, but I really felt bad for her as they continued to bring up the fact that her ex dumped her and put a baby in a new girl a few months later.  "Didn't your ex have a baby the same day this show debuted?  How do you feel about that?"  Why do they ask these questions?  Then, when she says that she has no animosity towards them, and that the new girl is actually quite nice, Mean Jenny from Twitter screams "so what, you're gonna babysit for them?"  No, idiot.  Mean Jenny annoys the crap out of me.  Also, Tenley seems like the kind of girl that guys on reality shows like the idea of:  cute, nice, energetic, normal.  If the guys are Brad Pitt (they're not, but just go with me), she's Jennifer Anniston.  You know how that ended up:  she got Jolie'd right out of that relationship.  Juelia is an Anniston too.  I wouldn't be surprised if it happened to both of them here in the coming weeks.

Bachelor in Paradise, Week One - We need to talk about After Paradise

So we're off and running on Bachelor in Paradise.  It's pretty fantastic....in fact, it almost always seems to rejuvenate my love-hate relationship with this franchise after slogging through the regular shows, which always seem about three episodes too long.  It always seems like the more serious the relationships become on the Bachelor/ette, the less interesting they get.  However, there's no marriage /commitment pressure in Paradise, so people are more willing to be flippant with their affection, and it makes for some great "eh...he'll do" hookups.  Likewise, with a more equal distribution of the sexes, there's more opportunities for sparks to fly.  Nothing's better than the "I really hit it off with this dude, he's AMAZING, and I think he feels the same about me!" followed by some new floozy coming in with a date card and taking Mr. Perfect out to a sexy salsa dancing class.  The heat, humidity, hormones and hooch (the 4 H's of good summer TV) all combine for some truly epic meltdowns.

I'm not going to go into a long breakdown of the episodes, but let's do a power rankings of the competitors:

Ashley I: Unquestioned star of the show.  Refers to anyone over 30 as an "old lady," actually said the sentence "I could give a crap about Cinderella, Jasmine is MY princess!", and when feeling her relationship with Jared was threatened says she needs to "get drunk and claim my steak."  Methinks she might've already been drunk.

Claim it!

Mikey T: Call him a meathead, call him a beefheart, call him Jersey Shore, whatever you call him, he's hilarious.  He referred to himself as the Alpha Male, despite the fact that he takes almost no steps to establish dominance over anyone, in fact at one point giving Tenley advice on how to get another man to notice her.  Once he set his sights on Lauren, his first thought is to take his shirt off.  However, he can't just simply take his shirt off - he has to ANNOUNCE that he's taking his shirt off to make sure everyone gets a good look.  Furthermore, I don't know that there's any time a man should be shirtless while wearing slacks/khakis regardless of his physique.  Jeans are a bit of a gray area for me, I'll need some sort of ruling from someone who is physically attracted to men.  But really he takes the second spot for his performance on the date with Clare, when he said his favorite position was  the "Downward Clare" and then lets everyone at home know that he really wants to have sex with her in that position.  Such a classy individual.  Even better, after Clare lets him know that she's there to "explore every opportunity" and hasn't had a chance to talk to some of the guys yet, Mikey responds with "I really want to kiss you right now."  I don't think he heard a single word she said.  It's like his brain only processes visual stimulation.  I love this guy.

Kirk/Carley: Goddamnit, I actually like these two.  They act like normal people.  Teasing each other about their quirks, awkwardly trying to figure out the right time to kiss, and making fun of the other people there.  I hope they make it.

Jared:  Ashley I., Tenley, Clare......really?  How is this guy the "it" guy this season?  He's not particularly funny, he kind of looks like a rodent (not his fault, but still) and he stubbornly wears facial hair despite the fact that it looks awful on him.  I just don't get it.  He is nice, which is an honest to goodness quality that is desirable in the real world, but typically not catnip for desperate women on a reality show.  

Lauren I: pains me to include her here, but nobody else really did anything memorable (Ashley "MESA VERDE" S.  got sent to the  ER and even that was pretty boring!) and she was at least interesting, from her opening "I'm the opposite of a virgin" statement, to her confusing "I hate being here attitude" despite there being no real reason for her to have come in the first place, to the almost constant pleasure she derives from tearing apart what little self esteem her older sister has.  

Most Unexpected Moment: Jonathan letting us know he's had a threesome with two sisters, and that it didn't feel nearly as "dirty" as he thought it would, and then letting us know that he's been intimate with a couple of virigins too, and that while they "might require a little more work" they're also fun.   Where the hell did that come from?  Like nothing that happened on Kaitlyn's season led you to believe that this guy was the type of guy to casually brag about his sexual conquests, especially since he got absolutely nowhere with Kaitlyn and has yet to even talk to a girl on the show that I've seen.  I'm tempted to call shenanigans in on his Penthouse confessions.

After Paradise:  THIS WAS AMAZING.  I've never really been into these "after the show" things before...in fact I go out of my way to avoid shows like Talking Dead, but I may have to re-evaluate my stance after watching this.  It was incredible.  The unquestioned star of the show was the lady whose name I  didn't get, but she's essentially a female me who just talks crap about the show and its contestant and someone decided it'd be a good idea to let her say these things to people's faces.  I figured she might be a little tentative and hesitant in her first national TV appearance, but homegirl took her earrings off and got FIERCE.  She made really off color sexual innuendos (the chicken or the egg comment was incredible), she said Jillian had a hairy ass or a penis (or both!), and just basically said the most "OMG" statement she could think off as fast as possible before Harrison could cut her off.  She's definitely that friend that you have that everyone invites to parties, has a ton of followers on Twitter, is super fun to be around, but inevitably gets way too wasted and has to be helped out of the bar and ends up sleeping alone on her own couch every night.  I picture some guy asking her friends about her, and the girlfriends saying "she's amazing!  So funny, smart, sexy....I LOVE HER!" and then when the guy asks to be set up with her, the girlfriends all look at each other and say "yeah......well.......I'm just not sure she's your type......" because she's such a disaster in one on one situations.  It's fascinating television.  

Bachelor in Paradise Finale: The Fantasy Suite is Sacred No More

Remember the good ol' days?  When what happened in the fantasy suite stayed in the fantasy suite?  Yeah, I hated those days too.  The new Bachelor norm is to make like Salt n' Pepa and talk about sex all the time.  But that was the end of the episode.  Let's start at the beginning.

I know I missed recapping last week's episode, but it could basically be summed up by saying that the producers realized that people were paired up quicker than maybe they expected, so they had to make up a bunch of drama to fill time in order to make it to the end of the season.  This is why we get multiple women pretending to be infatuated with this guy:








Sarah was so fake-infatuated that she felt the need to break up with a guy who had been nothing but respectful and nice to her from the get-go (or at least once he was rejected by Lacy).  Of course, he has conveniently planned a romantic time for them on the beach just as Sarah has decided to break up with him, and she abandons her plans and gleefully runs back into his arms.  Jackie wasn't quite so Brooks smitten, but still marveled at the fact he spoke Spanish and laughed at his horrible dinner jokes.  In the end, Brooks and his constant jokey chatter went home, and everyone was happier for it.

So now we're down to an even dozen, and Chris Harrison has proclaimed that the "game" is about to change.  Of course they all act like he's just volunteered them all as Tributes for the next Hunger Games, because Chris Harrison is pretty much their deity - or maybe their dictator.  I'm not sure.  Anyways, God Harrison proclaims that the couples need to decide to break-up or commit to a long term relationship.  Because there is no other option.  Those who break up must leave the island immediately.  Those that choose to make a go of it get to stay for a few hours more.  That's pretty much it.  The whole thing seemed like a really anticlimactic way to end the season. 

But then Michelle, designated house mother/St. Bernard nanny from Peter Pan of the group, decides that she's tired of AshLee using her mind control boobs to poison Graham's mind, and let's him know that she's not right for him and he needs to break up with her.  Graham's body language response is basically "OH THANK GOD SOMEONE GAVE ME A WAY OUT."  Graham offers no counterpoint to Michelle's line of reasoning, and practically skips his way over to AshLee's hut to break up with her.  Then, with no explanation of why, he tells her that "he doesn't think what they have will last once they go home."  Even more curiously, AshLee never asks for one.  She just kind of accepts it by coldly saying "I knew it.  I knew this was too good to be true."  This was probably the biggest letdown in Bachelor history - that AshLee didn't beat an explanation out of Graham with a coconut, then turn her wrath on Michelle for wrecking her dream of being a Stepford Wife. 

So Graham and AshLee are the first to leave.  In true bachelor fashion, once you're of no use to the show, you're immediately discarded, unable to say goodbye to the people you've spent the last few weeks hanging out with.  After that, the domino's start to fall:  Christy and Tasos, who have known each other for all of 42 minutes of screen time, wisely decide that there isn't enough to commit to a long term relationship, though I thought it was interesting given how into Tasos Christy seemed she immediately agreed that they should just end any courtship whatsoever and just hook up in the bathroom hang out at Bachelor functions in the future.  Likewise, Jackie and Zack exit stage left, because Zack is an emotionless robot and Jackie is still the attractive/boring person she always was.  This leaves us with three couples who have chosen to stick it out long enough to stick it in each other in a fantasy suite:

• Cody and Michelle
• Sarah and Robert
• Marcus and Lacy

Michelle, who spent last week perpetually changing her mind about whether or not Cody was an obsessive stalker or the man of her dreams, still can't decide.  So she decides to ask an expert:  Her nine year old daughter who has never met Cody.  This is a terrible plan on so many levels.  TV and movies always display single parent/child relationships as more of friendships, where the child is inevitably much too mature for their age.  Michelle seems to have picked up on this, though it seems like those extra emotional years her daughter has picked up were transmitted from Michelle to her through the phone, to the point that they both sound like eighteen year olds.  Michelle says "so I need your advice about a super-cute boy named Cody," as if this one sentence gives her daughter all the information she needs to make an informed decision.  The best part of the conversation was Michelle saying "I just don't know if I want to bring him home, remember how hard it was when Matt left?"  If her emotional baggage were actual luggage, then she just left four suitcases at the feet of a 9 year old bellhop and said "carry this, bitch."  Her daughter responds with the lesson she's learned from watching "She's all That" and every other teen rom-com on DVD with her mom:  "it doesn't matter what he looks like, it just matters that you like each other and like to do the same things."  Michelle acts like her daughter is some sort of relationship oracle that just showed her the path of enlightenment.  "She's such an old soul" she says, her voice full of pride.  Sadly, the only reason she's like that is because you turned her from a child into your bestie and forced her to deal with things like one-night stands and adulterous relationships with NBA players because you weren't equipped to handle these things on your own, Ms. Money.

Fantasy Suite dates go great - or so we're led to believe.  There's lots of making out, Sarah hopes that Robert gets to know her "in every way possible - I hope he digs deep."  Michelle ruminates on what Cody's junk look likes saying "maybe it's very muscular....like the Hulk." which sounds absolutely terrifying.  Lacy and Marcus just continue to make out and let their skin soak in an astoundingly unhealthy amount of UV rays....how tan can those  two get?  Anyways, Lacy in particular looks almost creepy she's so tannish. 

The next morning, Michelle announces she is sore, and then proclaims that Cody's *beep* is amazing and we *beeped* in every *beep* of that place. Your nine year old daughter must be so proud. Cody can't stop smiling and dreamily tells the cameras "she broke the code!" which really confused me for a while as I tried to figure out what secret message Michelle cracked, but then I finally realized that Cody was just referring to himself by his own moronic nickname "Code."  This is the equivalent of me saying something like "She really devoured The Snacks," which is super gross and I'd never say that in a million years.    Marcus is sporting a hickey.  Sarah is pissed.  Apparently Robert did not explore her cave of wonders the way she was hoping.  He slept in his jeans and there "was no neck sucking" she reports glumly.  At this point she proclaims that if a guy won't "dig deep" and suck your neck in a fantasy suite, he never will.  Seems a bit extreme, but she can't sit idly by and let two other couples have sex while she's not.  So it's splitsville for the two of them, which, to be honest, was inevitable.  Sarah is so self conscious that she's not even willing to wait to see what could happen with a guy who has been respectful towards her.  She's already convinced herself that he sees her as flawed and therefore will never really love her.  Yikes. 

All this leads up to Chris Harrison trotting out pretty much the only success stories this entire franchise has ever produced:  Jason and Molly, Sean and Catherine, and Des and Chris (who probably shouldn't count since they're not even married yet).  Of course they're treated like King Richard returning from the Crusades, and the two remaining couples hope to soak up all the knowledge of how to turn TV trysts into lasting relationships.  Unfortunately, such advice is super boring, so instead they discuss what body parts are their favorite on their significant others and what sports they played in high school.  Ugh.

Finally, it's time to give out roses.  Perhaps my least favorite part of Bachelor in Paradise was the weird rose ceremonies where people decided they needed to exchange vows when they hand out the roses.  Cody gives a heartfelt "I'm ready to be a father to your daughter" speech, and then Michelle starts hers by saying "Cody Code:  you came into my life exactly when I needed you."  Cody Code!  Nothing says sincerity like referring to the dude by a silly nickname. 

Marcus and Lacy are next, and Marcus is so choked up he needs to step outside.  "I just wanted to spend a few moments alone" he says, as multiple cameras follow them, and the Bachelor Illuminati rush to the balcony to continue watching them.  In the end, Marcus just wanted some soft sand on which to kneel so he could propose to is super tan bride-to-be.  Hooray! 

In all, this show was a success, even if they didn't really map out an appropriate ending to such a crazy show.  Thankfully, they'll get another chance to improve on this year's surprisingly entertaining season:  Bachelor in Paradise was renewed for next summer, after being the most watched new show amongst adults 18-49.


 

Bachelor in Paradise, Week 4: Double up Unnh, Unnh!

I like my episodes real thick and juicy.......

I don't care that this show is staged beyond belief.  I don't care that these people are getting paid to fake fall in love.  I just love that there's people willing to do this stuff for my enjoyment.  It's awesome.

Let's see if we can pack all four hours of this week's goodness into one blog.  The flip flopping between Monday and Tuesday's episode was impressive.  For example:

Cody on Monday:  Claire, I'm here for you and only you.  So much so, I will give this date card away because I don't want to date anyone here.
Cody on Tuesday:  Michelle, it's you or nobody girl.  I'm only here for you.

Side note....does Cody remind anyone else of Chris Griffin, or is it just me?

Michelle on Monday:  I'll never find love!  I'll never get out of Utah!
Michelle on Tuesday:  This thing with Cody is amazing.  It's moving too fast!

Clare on Monday:  Nothing will come between Zach and me!
Clare on Tuesday:  I'm out of here.  Zach doesn't know what he wants.

Graham on Monday:  AshLee is freaking me the hell out.  I'm not sure I can do this.
Graham on Tuesday:  AshLee is like a sports car.  I love driving her!

Other things that need addressing (in no particular order):

• Jesse is living proof that looks will get you everywhere with some people.  He fooled Jackie right up until he too Christy on a date.  Christy then tells him how her ex boyfriend cheated on her and she found a bra in his bed (I'm sorry, but who are these people who forget their undergarments in other people's beds?  When you're getting dressed after a covert humping, isn't that something you'd grab first?  You don't just forget to put on a bra.  Unless this was some sort of "Kristy found the bra but conveniently didn't see the naked girl crouched behind the laundry basket" scenario).  When Jesse finds out that he denied knowing how it got there, he gleefully blurts "that's what I would've done!"  Kristy, rightly says "so you've been in this situation before?" at which point Jesse just starts singing Shaggy lyrics and is saved by a "stray" dog (with a collar!), because girls love dogs and will stop whatever they're doing to pet them and baby-talk to them.  Lucy then shows up, takes off her clothes and goes on a date with Jesse.  Lucy says that he is "hot, funny, and smart."  Nice is not a quality she saw in him.  She knows he's a douche, but doesn't care.  Somehow, Christy sees it as an attractive quality in men that they are willing to go on dates with her friends.  Naturally, they all end up in bed together. 
• Lacy gets dehydrated and everyone acts like she's got bit by the Outbreak monkey.  The girl straight up ran to the bathroom to throw up, and all of a sudden she needs a stretcher?  Then Marcus is spooning her in a gurney while she gets checked out by a doctor?  First off, if I was a doctor, I'd refuse to help anyone who was in an emergency room but felt well enough to spoon.  If it's an end of life thing, that's different, but I'd refuse to administer an IV to someone whose boyfriend was rubbing his junk on her butt at the same time.  OVER THE LINE.  If they allow that stuff in Mexico, I'm never going.  Don't trust doctors who encourage this behavior.
• Marcus loves Lacy.  He accidentally tells her.  She's happy.  He tells her for real.  She's super happy.  Does she say it back? 

• Sarah does everything short of sedating Robert and tongue raping him to get him to kiss her, and yet she thinks he's totally into her?  At one point, she's sitting in his lap in a secluded pool and their faces are about three inches apart.  She says something about "getting more comfortable," so he positions himself so that HE CAN NO LONGER SEE HER FACE.  Basically he looked like he was getting ready to burp her.  Finally he sees no other option, so they kiss, and she's super pleased to have won this battle of attrition.  Of course scenes from next week make it look like she's totally into the new guy, whomever that is.
• AshLee is still pissed that Clare had sex in the ocean with Juan Pablo.  Why, I have no clue.  Also, she thinks nobody will hear her say it because there's not a camera on her?  Apparently she forgot about the giant microphone she's got taped to her ass at all times.  Also, what does the fact that it's "caught on camera" matter?  By the time Clare (or anyone else really) sees the footage, you'll have been long gone from the island.  Such a contrived, bullshit story line.
• Cody asks Clare on a date.  Clare wants to talk to Zack to "see what he'd say."  Zack says "I'm not going to tell you not to go."  Clare says "well, what if some girl asked you on a date - would you say yes?"  Zack's answer: "depends on who the girl is."  Worst answer ever.  Unless of course he was trying to get her to dump him, in which case, he's a genius.  I vote for the latter, because when she did leave, not once did he try to stop her.  In fact, HE HELPED HER PACK.
• Jackie - so hot, so boring.  Maybe this means she'd be the only person you could actually hang out with in a non-reality show setting.  Maybe not. 
• Kalon (much like Lucy) was brought in just to cause a ruckus and get the hell out.  Neither of them had any intention of staying.  Kalon's whole goal seemed to be to test the limits of what ABC would allow him to say on air. ("I'm looking for 5'10" and some boobs," "I'd love to motorboat those things," and whatever that was he said about a "tight Mexican hole."  Ugh.
• Jesse's liberal use of the term "what's-her-nuts" was wonderful, and it may make its way into my daily vocabulary.

Bachelor in Paradise, Week 3: Geography Lesson

So, we've established how this show is going to go now:  Every week, somebody new shows up and takes one of the veterans on a date.  Then, as soon as that date is over, another new person shows up and takes the same vet on a date.  DRAMA.  The editors are earning their paychecks this season though:  First the raccoon, then sound bites of Chris grunting over his "injured" knee as the lights go out in his hotel room with Elise.  I have serious doubts as to the validity of his knee actually being injured, because these people have cameras on them all the time, yet they missed a significant event like that?  No way. 

All that was background noise though to the train wreck Michelle Money was this week.  Let me sum up her episode:  "What Marquel and I have is special.  Nothing can come between us.  Except that I'm going to encourage this new girl to take Marquel on a date.  I can't believe he accepted the date!  Screw him, I never liked him anyways.  Secretly, I've been pining for Robert (who also happens to be the only guy not hooking up with anyone at the moment.)  That's who I really want to date!  Wait, there's Jackie!  I wish she'd take her butt back to the mainland. 

Nevermind the fact that we are not on an island (unless you count the Americas as the largest island since Pangea), I want her out of here because she's sooooooooo pretty.  Thank God she picked that man-whore Marquel for her date...I hate that guy.  Robert is amazing.  He'll totally pick me over that one-armed insecure whiner Sarah....wait what?  I'm going home?  How'd that happen?   Wait....what's Chris saying?  He's giving me his rose because I deserve love?  Damn right I deserve love.  Even though every guy here had a chance to give me a rose and gave it to another girl, I deserve to stay here and do the other girls hair as they get ready for their dates.  I'm not ready to go home to my daughter, I am going to stay on the island of Mexico until love comes my way.  That next guy who gets off the plane better understand how much I love him even though I haven't met him yet."

It was exhausting watch her play the desperate old single lady.  That next guy isn't going to be three steps into the compound before this happens:

Good luck, buddy.  Hope you like biological clock ticking single moms.

In other news, Jackie continues to be the most attractive and boring person ever to grace the Bachelor show, Claire is distraught about her dad dying a decade ago until she sees a pregnant turtle, which apparently is her dad reincarnated to tell her it's ok to be happy, and AshLee has regained the throne of craziest person on the beach, although Graham slightly overreacted to the news that she follows his instagram feed.  You could set that shit to private if you don't want crazy desperate women looking at your photos, Graham Cracker. 

Bachelor in Paradise: Week 2 - We have a new leader in the crazy clubhouse

So just when you think AshLee has a stranglehold on the crazy title, here comes Elise to knock the crown off her head!  I'm going to try something different this week and rank all the "contestants" for their performance this week...from the person who had the worst episode to the person who had the best.  And by best, I'm talking about my enjoyment watching them make idiots of themselves.  Omitted from this list is any mention of that absurd Michelle K. hooked up with a sound guy who jumped off a balcony that was 4 times as high as he thought it was and broke both his legs" scenario, because the whole thing was just ridiculous and that sound guy should have been fired but wasn't because ABC probably encouraged the whole thing from the jump.  OK, here we go:

• Robert - Was he even there?  His screen time consisted of brooding over Lacy's newfound romance with Marcus, and then telling Michelle he didn't think she drank too much.  More on that later.
• Lacy - Went on a date, bought Marcus' crap about how he didn't think he'd find anyone here for him, but then he saw her face and now he's a believer. 
• AshLee - Had less screen time than Robert, but made the most of it when she called Elise crazy.  AshLee, who has everyone terrified to even talk to Graham, calling another girl crazy.  Also, she gets bonus points for wearing overall shorts over a bikini.  Who does that anymore?  Do girls still own overalls?  I remember thinking girls in overalls were super cute in the 90's.  Why would I think this?  Maybe I watched too much Dawson's Creek:

• Graham -  He's like the wise old owl in the Tootsie Pop commercials - everyone comes to him for advice, and he'll give some sort of sage answer, but then he'll eat the Tootsie Pop after 3 licks himself.  In other words, he's full of crap.  He has almost this "I'm above being on this show" attitude, and yet there he is, trapped in a relationship with someone because she'd probably kill him if he left her. 
• Zach - Showed up, acted like people should remember him (nobody does), made out with Clare.  The end.
• Michelle Money - Pains me to put her this low, but her sobby "I left my daughter to be here" speech after it's discovered Ben has a girl back home was just painful to watch.  You don't get to act like it's hard to leave your daughter when you're spending a few weeks on an island resort hooking up with people and drinking free booze (more on this later).  It's hard to leave your daughter if you're going to war, or working on an oil pipeline in Alaska to provide for your family.  If you want to make the argument that this is the only way you can provide for your family because you have literally no ability to hold down any other kind of job, then so be it, but those were not the words that I heard.
• Sara - Shockingly, not one comment about her arm.  It's like it wasn't even there! Play me out, Keyboard Cat! Bonus points for asking, even though Elise's body language makes it clear that she doesn't want you to go on the date with Dylan, if she's OK with her going on the date with Dylan.
• Marquel - Oh, Marquel.  He's one of those guys that can't get out of his own way.  During the Ben fiasco, he and Marcus go to Ben, and honorably ask him about the letter away from the entire group.  Yet, when Clare walks up and says "what's up?" he immediately tells her and lets her scurry back to everyone else and spill the beans.  Classy.  Then, he tells a girl at an island resort that he's only known for a week that he's concerned that she drinks too much....while doing this: 
  

• Marcus -  Still a dick.  Spills water on Ben's bag (allegedly), so of course he has to rifle through it and read folded up letters.  The guy is a huge asshole. 
• Ben - Wears his hat backwards to play up his "bad boy" image, says he's totally into a girl, yet goes on a dating show to hang out with a bunch of other attractive women, has one of the most incredible turtleshell backpacks I've ever seen, reminds everyone that he hasn't hooked up with anyone and is only there to #YOPO.  Acts like he's too good for the show and doesn't need ABC, despite COMING ON THE SHOW.  Probably now securely #1 on the list of people who did not come on the show "for the right reasons,"  surpassing Justin the Wrestler, Jake Pavelka, and even Bentley as most villainous character ever on the show.
• Dylan - Expertly deployed the "I'm going to tell you it's OK to do something, then dump you for doing it" strategy on Elise.  To further grind it in, takes her "best friend" on a one-on-one date.  Thinks that date with Sara went well despite her constant eye rolls and sarcastic "this was fun" comments.  Sticks to his vow to turn down Elise if she offers him a rose, leading to one of the most awesomely-bad speeches ever, where Elise thanked Dylan for making her realize that she needed a man to be there for her through thick and thin.  Ends up going home when Sara picked Robert.  Best flame-out in a supporting role.  Really set up Elise for her epic performance.
• Clare -  Still coming to grips that she doesn't have an "i" in her name.  Continues to date guys, who then hook up with other people immediately after that date (see Robert, Chris B.)  Hooks up with Zack, and continues to say stupid things like "I mean, I am ready, but I could get more ready if you'd like" and "I could feel his commitment in the ocean."  Also says being in Mexico sort of makes her feel like she's getting in touch with her heritage, since she's half Mexican.  Still strangely the only member of her family who doesn't speak Spanish.  No raccoon this week, but fear not...the raccoon has his own Twitter account! 
• Chris B. -  Shows up, makes out with Elise, tries to play the "I've been a jerk in the past, but I've learned from my mistakes and I'm ready to find 'the one'" angle, only gets a rose because Dylan didn't fold when Elise offered him the rose.  Pretty boring actually.  So why is he second on the list?  Because he called Dylan "Fatt Damon." 
• Elise - Where do we begin?  With her incredible statement that she likes the water because she's a Pisces?  As if anyone born in a month other than February/March can't like water, or doesn't like water as much?  Or with her not paying any attention to the legions of people telling her "don't kiss Chris?"  Or with her thinking Dylan's anger at her hooking up with Chris means he now realizes how special she is.  Or with her realizing that "holy crap, he is mad at me?"  Or her putting the blame for her actions on Dylan by saying "He put me in the shark tank, and I got bit...and it's my fault, but HE PUT ME IN THE SHARK TANK!"  I mean...it was just incredible.  She wins just for the final segment of the show really, where she offers Dylan the rose despite his continued statements that he wouldn't accept it, and then rambling on about how she needs to thank Dylan for reminding her that she deserves a man that will be there for her through thick and thin, through ups and downs, til death do they part, and then offering the rose to a guy who knew she was into Dylan, yet made out with her on the beach anyways, despite taking Clare on a date just hours before....a guy who every single person at the resort told her was a player.  She's the best.  Don't ever change Elise.

Bachelor in Paradise is Incredible, and Here's Why

So Bachelor in Paradise is my new favorite "reality" show.  It really only took one episode.  Why?  Let me count the ways:

• Level playing fields.  When there's only one girl or one guy, by the end of the season you're sick of hearing the same person say the same things over and over to different people.  With multiple conversations between multiple people, there's a lot less chance of fatigue on the viewers part
• Nobody worries about being there for the right reasons.  If a guy/girl doesn't like someone, then it's on to the next one.  Thank God for that.
• The return of Michelle Money.  Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, has ever given better confessional interviews.  She's the best.
• MIND GAMES.  Everyone is just angling to stay around.  If you don't have a connection with the Bachelor/ette, you can deceive him/her to keep you around, but in the end, you're going to end up on an altar with the choice of accepting it (think Emily Maynard accepting Brad's proposal and then dropping him before the rose ceremony, making you look crazy) or turning them down (think Brad again giving a rose to nobody, making him look callous).  On this show, you just say your feelings changed and bang, you're hooking up with someone else next week.  The possibilities are endless.
• New blood.  I love the bringing in of a new person every week.  It's almost like a tournament where the best teams get a bye.  If you don't like any of the guys this week, just flirt with one enough to make him think you're in, then pounce on the fresh meat the next week.  But what happens if you don't like the new guy either?  DRAMA

It's just brilliant, and kudos for the casting choices to ABC.  Now for some first episode awards:

BEST PRODUCER AWARD
To whichever person put together that brilliant scene where Claire let all her emotions out to a wayward raccoon, who probably wasn't even there.  Great job, ABC. 

You talkin' to me?

BIGGEST A-HOLE
To Marcus.  "HUH?" you say?  Well, hear me out.  Marcus' first interview on the show is about how he's still not over Andi.  So much so, that he can't hang out with everyone else.  In fact, he needs to be alone.  In the water.  Wearing an obnoxiously orange speedo.  In plain view of everyone else.  I used to play this game when I moved to a new school in seventh grade, Marcus.  I'd get to the cafeteria as fast as possible at lunch so I could grab a table by myself and see who would come sit with me, so I'd know who my potential new friends were.  It's basically saying "do you like me?" without having to sound desperate.  The only difference is that we were fishing with different bait.  I had bad acne and was socially awkward, and he has perfectly groomed body hair and eyes that ladies invent adjectives about.  So of course some slightly drunk and horny coed is going to come over to say hello.  You can't play the "I'm not in this fishing tournament, but I'm going to put my pole in anyways" game, Marcus.  Then, he goes on a date with Sarah and makes out with her.  Really looking lovesick, buddy.  Then, when Lacy, who took your orange speedo bait, goes on a date with Robert, you get all "oh boo hoo, I'm getting my heart broken again!" and proceed to tell Sarah that you're into Lacy, but that she deserves a rose so you will give one to her.  Translation:  YOU HAVE ONE ARM AND YOU NEVER LET ANYONE FORGET IT AND I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE I HATE PEOPLE WITH DISABILITIES.  ABC of course makes him give out his rose before Robert, and of course he forgets all about who deserves what and gives the rose to Tits McGee because he knows she's going to be easier to hook up with.  Nobody's forgotten that the lie detector indicated you've slept with over twenty women, buddy.  He's an A-Hole.

CRAZIEST
AshLee, and it's not even close.  Somehow convincing herself that because she's there to hook up with Graham means he's there to hook up with her is insane.  Want to know how crazy she is?  She's so crazy that no other girl will even talk to Graham, Claire backed out of a date to calm her down, and Graham is so terrified he can't even think about handing a rose out to anyone else.  She's next level crazy. 

WORST ACTOR
Claire.  Look, we all know by now that ABC directs these people to say certain things or give roses to certain people.  The key is that the people need to deliver those lines in a way that looks like they weren't coached.  Claire is terrible at this.  When she was crying to that raccoon, she's looking directly at a cameraman.  When she said "I don't even know what a vista is, but I'm looking at one!" She's got a twinkle in her eye that says "I know exactly what a vista is!" And nobody believes for a second that you had a dream of yourself standing on top of some ruins.  I love that she's on the show because she's willing to do literally anything the producers ask her to, but at least sell it a little better.

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
"She has this look like she's plotting how to kill you and your whole family, and it makes you feel like girl is going to lose it."  Honorable mention go to Claire's "vista" statement, and Lacy suggesting that she's "80/40" on her decision, despite the fact that she has no decision to make since the guys are handing out the roses this week.  In the end, it was Michelle's delivery of the crazy line that carried the day.

MOST COWARDLY ROSE
To Ben, who told Daniela and all the viewers that he just wanted to have fun and that he wasn't feeling a connection with anyone so he was going to pick the person who he would have the most fun with, yet when he's faced with picking Daniela or one-armed Sarah, he picks the biggest wet blanket in the history of reality television, and now we get to hear all next week from Sarah how she was really nervous that she wasn't going to get a rose and she didn't really know Ben was interested in her, so she is trying to fight the feeling that she only got the rose because of her missing arm.  Even though that is probably the only reason she's still around.  Thanks Ben. 

I seriously can't wait for next week.  After Andi's season, I thought I was out.  But damned if ABC didn't do the damn thing with this show.  I'm all in.