To recap, we've got rid of Bekah for being to young Kendall for being too awesome, and Tia for being too Southern, aka "That's So Raven." If you don't get that joke now, wait a second.
So we're left with Becca and Lauren. If you've forgotten, Becca is the one with the dufus ex-boyfriend who flew to Peru to get embarrassed on national television, and Lauren is a human "meh" emoji. WHO WILL HE CHOOSE?
We're off to Peru, which seems like a weird place to end this season, until you remember that they've pretty much covered every traditionally romantic place on the planet over the past 20 years, and also that they did a date in a broke down bowling alley earlier in the season.
Arie tells his dad that he loves them both and that no matter what he does, he'll be picking the right girl. Somehow I don't think tonight is going to go the way that Arie thinks it's going to. I love how Arie's dad refers to him as "Arie Jr." as if he wants to make sure there's no confusion amongst the viewers as to who the real Arie Luyendyk is.
Arie's family asks Lauren which date stood out to them. Lauren responds "all of them." She's such a great communicator. She tells the real Arie that she's been engaged before and she's worried that it won't work out again. Arie tells his family that he has to do a lot of reassuring Lauren, and he's wondering if he's going to have to do that forever if he picks her. This kills me, because Arie was looking for reassurance from ALL THE GIRLS ALL SEASON LONG. He's basically saying I don't have time to reassure you, because I'm going to need you to reassure me.
Lauren just breaks down in tears while talking to Mama Luyendyk, and I'm already scared for her for what's going to happen at the end of this episode. Lauren says she surprised herself by being able to talk about her feelings with Arie's family, and I'm trying to figure out when that happened because the only feeling I heard her really talk about was being nervous.
Becca's turn. She meets ARie with a long kiss and tells him he looks good in his untucked denim shirt and jeans. Becca sits on a throne of lies. They sit on the edge of a fountain and rub noses and talk about how much they love each other and how today is going to be awesome.
Arie's mom is no dummy. She mentions Lauren was nervous about being engaged before and wondering about Becca's reservations....basically trying to get her to talk about Ross, but Becca doesn't take the bait. They show Arie and his mom talking, and she says "if I were you, I'd lean towards......" but they don't finish the sentence. I'll bet that's editing on ABC's part and she actually did have an opinion.
Arie Sr. tells Becca that he's sure she's met Lauren and knows how great she is......what a weird way to lead off a conversation. Becca says she's a great girl, but they're very different and she made better connections with other girls. "I hate being compared to her...it's like comparing an apple to a starfish" she says. I'm not sure who is the apple and who is the starfish. Arie's family misses no opportunity to let Becca know that they all met Lauren and liked her.....they're really putting the "dyk" in Luyendyk right now. Becca wants to puke and hates talking about Lauren. Can't say I blame her.
Arie's family definitely has a preference. Arie keeps trying to justify Lauren, saying "you don't see it, but she can be really funny and dance around and stuff." The family then says "ok glad we you justified that, but we love Becca for you." Arie Sr. says "you need a kick in the ass sometimes, and Becca's going to be the one to give it to you." Such a dad thing to say. "You never listened to me, maybe you'll listen to her."
Arie seems a little bummed his family didn't pick Lauren. He says he's going to have to drop her if she doesn't give him some more reassurance that she's the one on their date.
Caroline is back to talk about how hard this has been for for her to watch. Never before has a girl who got sent home so early been given such a platform. Screw her. She's basically Chris Harrison's hype-woman right now. She's up there to act as offended as possible to get people to keep watching, and I hate it.
Arie tells us he's pretty sure it's Becca, so it's going to be tough to go on a date with Lauren, but he's going to try to have fun. Such a gentleman, trying to have fun before he breaks this girl's heart. They head off to Machu Picchu. They take a train, point at stray dogs, kiss some, and talk about what their dogs would think if they ever met each other. They say things like "Wow. That's insane. That's so cool. That's amazing. It's incredible. We are lucky that we are here." Who knew Machu Picchu could render you speechless? I've never seen two people who tried so hard to say what they think they're supposed to say to each other. It's like bad high school theater of two people pretending to be married.
Lauren and Arie have another one of their deep conversations where neither of them have their heartbeat get above 45. Lauren's reaction to pretty much everything can be summed up in one gif:
Arie feels like he's in love with Lauren, and after making out with her and hearing how much she loves him, he's feeling like he should be marrying her at this moment. Uh oh. Clearly he completed his mission of having fun with her and now he doesn't want to break up with her because she might blink and say "I don't love that." That'd be hard for him to hear, I'd imagine.
Becca's got a lot of rain on the day of her final date, which is probably terrible foreshadowing for her. The bad omen's continue as they have a picnic in what looks like a random alpaca field as the wind whips around and thunder crashes in the distance. Can we talk for a second about how screwed Becca has gotten the past few weeks? ABC flies in her ex boyfriend but neither of Lauren's ex-fiances? Lauren gets a fantasy suite with a jacuzzi tub, Becca gets a goddamn tent in the desert. Lauren gets Machu Picchu, Becca gets an alpaca farm in the rain. If I didn't know better, I'd say ABC was handicapping this race.
Becca then shares her fears with Arie, who frankly does a shit job of reassuring her at all. Becca then gives him a scrapbook of their time together. She uses her "do the damn thing" catchphrase, puts in pictures with the caption "143"......she's like maddeningly normal. She'd be the boring girl on this season if not for Lauren, who is like a cardboard cutout of a Bachelor contestant.
Harrison then gives us the two bachelors who have done the multiple women thing before....Ben Higgins and Jason Mesnick. Ben famously told both JoJo and the original Lauren B. both that he loved them before dumping JoJo. Jason picked one girl, then after the show ended broke it off to pick the other girl. That was before my time watching this show, but I'll bet that was pretty crazy stuff when it happens. Also, for my money, I don't know why everyone thinks Ben Higgins was such a great bachelor. Without a doubt Brad Womack is the best one there's ever been. I mean, they had him on twice! He's the Archie Griffin of Bachelors.
Arie picks the ring with Neil Lane in one of Neil's shortest stints ever on this show. Poor Neil got his time cut so we could see this disaster play out in real time.
It's so weird to me that Arie the Dutch dude is proposing in Peru amongst all these Peruvian things....but I guess that's how it goes. Lauren's the first out the limo, and it doesn't look good for her right now. Lauren walks towards Arie, dodging alpacas as a muddy brown river flows rather forcefully behind him. What a weird setting.
Lauren says she's freaking out. Her expression says she is heavily sedated. Arie, being the great guy he his, says nothing. Lauren then lays her heart out, and Arie just shakes his head, before telling her she's not the one. Lauren says "I'm extremely confused." Her face says "is it time for bed yet?" Arie gives her a hug and says "I'm so sorry" and then walks her out. This was not very dramatic, ABC...and then before he drops her in the limo, she says "why did you do that?" Such a great question. Arie apologizes for putting her through that, then she says "I still love you." Arie kisses her on the cheek and says "I love you too." So very weird.
Lauren then asks a lot of great questions in the reject limo she should've told him when she had the chance, like "how could he propose if he didn't know what to do until 3 hours ago?" and then says "I feel like he's making a big mistake."
Here comes Becca, through the alpaca obstacle course to meet Arie by the Muddy River. She lays her soul bare in front of him, just like Lauren did. Arie then goes into his "from the moment I met you...." speech. Then he gets down on one knee, opens the ring and says "I choose you today, and I choose you every day from here on out." She says yes, and everything seems amazing. Honestly I thought he was going to call her Lauren. Arie says "when are we going to start having babies?" Becca says "tonight!" Oh man, she's super happy. What the hell happens?
We get some home video footage of the two of them making out and kissing. Then we get some filmed stuff of them together, which I don't think we've ever really seen before. Do they normally keep the camera crews on them? Arie's thinking about Lauren all the time apparently. Arie seems way too casual about what he's about to do to this poor woman.
So he's decided 100% that he's all in on Lauren? What if Lauren says no? What if Lauren says "dude, you had your chance?" We'll find out I guess, after Arie just eviscerates Becca on TV. People in the crowd start booing, as if Arie is making this decision to please them. You monsters created this man!
ABC goes double box on Arie and Becca's face, and Arie goes into how he's been struggling and that the reality is that that he still thinks about Lauren and then he says "the more time I spend with you, the more I realized that I might be losing the chance to reconcile with Lauren." Holy shit dude, do you not know how engagements work?
Arie then basically tells Becca she was the girl he was supposed to pick, but Lauren was the girl he should have picked. At this point, Becca takes the ring off her finger. She's done. Arie continues to try to explain himself, and predictably does a terrible job, because there's no justifying this crap. Arie then tells her that he's doing her favor by not making her go on "After the Final Rose" to talk about this. Then he says "I've put a lot of thought into this" which is pretty shitty to say to someone you just blindsided and has had literally five minutes to process your shady decision.
Becca then announces she is done, and walks off to pack her stuff. Arie then goes to tell her he's going to leave, and that he just feels like if he leaves now there will still be more to say. Becca just tells him to leave. He stands there and looks at her until she turns and walks into another room. He then slowly turns and walks out of the house as Becca cries in a closet. Arie, of course, doesn't actually leave. He just hangs out on the porch looking at the ring he gave Becca....because he's apparently trying to get murdered. Why doesn't he just call Lauren from the porch and ask her what she's wearing while he's at it?
Oh fuck me he's going back inside.
And then he knocks on the door and asks her if she's ok.....oh man. Oh man oh man oh man. What is he doing? Why would he do this? The only explanation for this is that he's not sure Lauren's going to take him back and he's trying to somehow leave the door open for a reconciliation with Becca, which....fat fucking chance bro. You are toast.
I seriously thought after last week that Ross had no shot of reconciling with Becca. He'd just basically embarrassed her and himself on national TV. Then Arie had to go all "hold my beer," and now I think that Ross may have just found his golden ticket to Becca's chocolate factory.
Arie keeps wanting her to say something, but I'm not sure what it is. Becca finally says "I feel like my future was ripped away." That's it. Hit him where it hurts. Then she follows it up with "I love you and I want you to be happy even if it's not with me."
NO BECCA. BAD BECCA. Do not give this sociopath any more validation.
Arie then tells Becca that he wants her to know how he's feeling, which is "in love with Lauren?" Cripes dude. What are we still doing here?
Arie better hope Lauren takes him back.
Holy hell....Becca is live in studio watching this? I gotta say I didn't see that coming. Remember how she said she was ready to start making babies the night of the proposal? What if she's pregnant right now???
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