We start with Luke really having trouble comprehending how both James and Alex are there. "She had no roses, then Chris brings two roses, and then both of you are still here? I was like "whoa!" Just crazy. Stay with us Luke.
Harrison lays out the ground rules for the episode: Three one-on-ones, each without a rose. Then a three on one, where there may or may not be a rose or something. I kinda spaced out to be honest, because if it's anyone other than James, Alex, or Chase going home at the end of the night, I'd be shocked.
Alex gets the first one-on-one, and they're driving out to the countryside. The guys are in a pretty cool bus, but they all think it's super lame. You're super lame if you don't like the hippie Argentinian bus. As Alex has a tough time on his drive with JoJo, including trying to Pringles duck kiss her. She literally pulls the chips out of her mouth and gives him the equivalent of a fist bump. With Pringles. Back on the fun bus, the guys have made up a rap about how short Alex is that includes needing a stool to get into the side car of a motorcycle. And they didn't want to ride the bus. Best moment of the entire season right there. This is a good segue into the worst moment of the season....Alex rapping. "Yo yo Jo-Jo...ya gots to go to tha liquor sto'." He then follows this up with "you see what I did there?" What did you do here Alex? Did you rhyme? Did you not think that JoJo would pick up on you rhyming her name with go and sto'? Or did you think she didn't notice the liquor part? I'm so confused. Alex sucks. They get to an Argentinian ranch and Alex says "I like those trees that are droopy. Droopy trees." Such a wordsmith this dude is.
He also wears his gaucho attire, which I think is a bit overdone. He looks more like Napoleon in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.
But then things get so bizarre, I've got tears in my eyes. Like I was just about to write about how being a gaucho looks pretty easy: You ride around on a horse holding hands with a beautiful woman while sheep and small dogs run around you like children at the beach or something. But no...there's more.
Apparently you have to act out the kama sutra with a horse.
They stand around watching a gaucho hypnotize a horse into doing couples hot yoga with him. JoJo makes it so much worse by talking about how spiritual it was to watch this man stroke this horse and slowly the horse submits to him and what the hell is going on. Now they're cuddling on a horse, like Alan Grant with the Triceratops in Jurassic Park.
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Dinner comes, and Alex gets less petting than the dog that wanders up out of nowhere. Alex tells JoJo he's falling in love with her, and we get some awkward cuts of JoJo giving him a stone-faced gaze. Undeterred, Alex continues to talk about how much he needs her to know what he's feeling, and then she tells him, she's not nearly as excited as she should be to hear him say those words, and that she needs to send him home....because she owes it to him to not make him go through the whole week after having what he thinks is the "best day of his life." Did he ever actually say that? The best day of his life was dressing up like a bullfighter/french painter and then having a threesome with a horse? She believed him when he said that was his "best day ever?" C'mon girl.
She then cries because he's mad that she dumped him right after he told her he's in love with her. If she wanted to dump a guy that would make her feel good about it, she should've dumped James.
Jordan gets the next one-on-one date. Jordan shows up in a t-shirt, khaki shorts and Chuck Taylors, which is what I wore to mow my lawn today. Way to make a great impression, Rodgers. Should've discount double checked that outfit.
It's time to stomp some grapes at the winery. The outfit makes a little more sense now. As the two of them switch into swimwear to make out in a hot tub, we're treated to Luke and Chase whining about how JoJo only likes Jordan because his brother is really good at football. As they try to draw parallels between Jordan getting in fights with them and fights he might get in with JoJo in the future, a couple of kittens wrassle in the grass. That's the perfect analogy for what's happening right now: A couple of pussies trying to act tough.
Finally, we get to the part where Jordan talks about his brother......Luke. Apparently Jordan and Aaron don't talk apparently. Jordan makes some comment about how it's because of "how Aaron's chosen to live his life," but then follows it up with "I can't imagine the pressure he deals with," so I don't really know what to think about this. There are rumors that Aaron has been estranged from his family for years, but then there was all that drama earlier this season about Olivia Munn liking Jordan's ex's post on instagram....so who knows. It doesn't seem to be bothering JoJo at all...she's still sucking face and looking forward to meeting the brother not named Aaron.
Group date time gets thwarted by the weather, so they just hang out in a hotel room. James kicks off the festivities by shoving as many french fries as he can in his mouth. He calls this his "A" game. What follows is even worse. They play a version of Head's Up! involving pictures of Bachelor celebrities, pictionary, and then truth or dare, which involves Robby running up and down the hall of the hotel in his boxers knocking on doors of rooms probably occupied by Bachelorette staff.
Did JoJo's childhood go so terribly that she never got to do these things growing up? Who thinks this looks fun? They then all cuddle on a bed and watch The Brazilian Bachelor as James keeps saying that Robby is checking out other hot women they come in contact with. James continues to bring it up, JoJo is all too willing to tease Robby about it, and Chase just sits there like he's in his own personal hell right now.
Robby then has to explain how he's over the girl he dumped, Chase gets to tell JoJo he gets "too excited" everytime he sees her, and James explains why he would make an excellent gay best friend for JoJo. This then leads to an idiotic conversation about who the guys think are front-runners. Robby then says he hates the whole "frontrunner" topic, but then bitches that he hates it because nobody thinks he is the frontrunner. He wants to know why people think Luke and Jordan are safe just because they got one-on-ones. Nobody brings up the obvious reason of JoJo not sending them home like Alex was.
In the end, Robby gets the hometown date rose, and then JoJo kicks Chase and James out of the room. James then mopes about how he didn't see this coming, and then him and Chase have a discussion about how much they opened up to her, as if they just assume Robby didn't. James then begrudgingly admits that Robby gets every first rose and group date rose, which probably means he is a front-runner. Chase laments that he wished he would've known that the group date rose winner got more time with her after the rose ceremony, as if that somehow would've changed his strategy. "Oh you mean I get more one-on-one time with her if she picks me? Well then I'm going to try harder to get this rose." Who half-asses it through a date that determines if the girl you allegedly love is going to meet your family?
Luke gets essentially the same date Alex did minus the horse sex and gaucho clothes. Luke still strikes me as a bit dumb, but the date was right in his wheelhouse where he could talk about things he has knowledge of: horses and guns. It'd be like putting me on a date where we discuss cable TV bundling packages and bachelor nation. GAME OVER.
The rest of the episode rolls out about how you'd expect: Chase is planning on using the cocktail party to make his closing arguments, JoJo cancels the cocktail party, she hands out roses to Luke and Jordan (Robby already had one), and then she sends home James. Nobody is surprised. As I thought, James makes her feel really good about dumping him. He lets her cry, he tells her he gave her his all, says girls say he deserves a great girl, then thanks her for allowing him to believe that the "best girl in the world could think so highly of him." They then cry togethernabout how awesome each other are.....and scene.
Join us next week, when we get to hear more vague reference to the middle Rodgers brother, Robby again has to explain that he dumped a girl and doesn't have feelings for her, and Luke goes full "Texas Forever" in his attempt to win her heart.
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