Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Bachelorette Season Twelve, Episode 6: Living in a Post-Chadpocalyptic World

It doesn't happen very often, but every once in a while something comes before Bachelor Nation for me.  Last night, that thing was a Los Angeles Angels baseball game on ESPN.  I generally don't like missing opportunities to watch Mike Trout do things like this.  I haven't even fired up the DVR yet, and I'm already missing Chad.  But thankfully, a new episode of the show means no more Chris Harrison tweeting about soccer.  He's the worst.  Look at some of these tweets!



We're starting out alright here......



Nice....predicting a win! He believes!



Uh....I get that he's trying to be funny, but he sure sounds like he's backing out on his bold prediction of a U.S. upset pretty quickly.



Alright, so maybe he didn't believe so much......


Jesus dude...we get it.  We're not as good as Argentina.



OK man, shut the hell up now.  This wasn't the 1992 Dream Team playing Angola in the Tournament of the Americas.  But what's even better was how quickly he turned on Argentina when they struggled against Chile in the finals:



A JOKE!

Alright, let's finally get into this episode:

We start with a trip to Argentina, where JoJo tells us that Buenos Aires is the perfect place to fall in love.  Harrison tells us that, for the first time in history, we are going to have a second two-on-one date.  The guys of course freak out.  Redneck Vanilla Ice is all "on the two-on-one, someone goes home immediately after the date," as if nobody has ever seen the show before.  I guess on the off chance that some random person just turned on a show that's been on the air for 20 years for the very first time tonight, that was helpful.  Thanks, Ice.  Someone else quips that two-on-one's are "no mas....not good."  Nope...that's not what no mas means, buddy.  Good try though.

Wells gets our first date, and lets all the other guys know that he hasn't kissed her yet.  All the guys react more or less like people in the crowd at an and-1 tour basketball game when someone gets dunked on. We then get nearly everyone involved in the show telling us that Wells HAS to kiss her immediately to get it out of the way or the pressure will be so immense that the sheer weight of the moment will crush him and he'll never be able to live up to the expectations in JoJo's mind.  Nevermind the fact that Wells hasn't had a one-on-one date yet to really get the chance to get her alone.....I think the only time he did have a chance was when he was possibly suffering from heat stroke after the firefighter date.

Anyways, their date involves wandering the streets of Buenos Aires and not kissing, until they end up at something called Brute Force, which is like basically some 15 year old kids wet dream.  It involves hot women in skimpy clothes soaking wet and writhing around, followed by starring in your own action movie where you get shot, but everyone else dies.  What the hell was that?  You're running on a treadmill, you get fake shot, but then the ladies you pass on the street are the ones that collapse?  Other countries are weird.  I wonder what we do here in America for entertainment that the rest of the world thinks is just crazy.....my vote is for themed running events.  Like you can't run in our race unless you wear a mustache, or are being chased by zombies, or some other strange thing.  I get that a ton of people love to run, but it's like the water of exercise....you should never pay for it.

Anyways, Wells finally gets his kiss when he gets his chance to be a woman in skimpy clothes soaking wet and writhing around with JoJo.  JoJo is so proud of him for kissing her, and it looks like the guys were right.  He missed his window.  Further compounding the problem at dinner, Wells says that his last relationship fizzled and it got to the point that he was more or less living with his best friend.  JoJo says "I think that the person that I marry, that passion will always be there.  Like no matter how long we're together, I'm going to look at him and say "he's still the hottest guy in the world to me."  Jesus, I hope my wife never thought that.  Our ten year anniversary is coming up, so I took a stroll through memory lane looking at pictures of our wedding, and no joke my first reaction (after saying "who the hell are some of these people and why did we invite them to our wedding?") was "damn, I really thought I looked much better on that day than I actually did." Again, this is a good reminder to not base your relationships on the advice of a 24 year old girl on a reality show.  Nonetheless, she's still got pie in the sky hopes for her relationship, and Wells is much more of a realist.  Plus he's kind of a prude.  So he's gone.  And with that, my favorite remaining guy is toast.

Group date time.  The group date involves playing soccer on the streets of Argentina.  James spends the entire time talking about how much better looking the other guys are, and how much of a dork he is and on and on and on and on.  How he's not cool like them....how he doesn't feel like he deserves to be there.....how he can't compare to any of them.  It was really pathetic to listen to actually.  Then, he gets some alone time with JoJo, and lays out that Jordan acted like a dick in a game of poker.  When JoJo presses him for more details, he just kinda says "ya know...he's Jordan Rodgers.  He's on magazines (what magazine is that?), he's the be-all-end-all.' and then mumbles a lot until he says "gosh you're pretty, can I kiss you now?"  If you have to ask, you don't deserve it man.  This lack of confidence thing is killing me.

JoJo wants to get to the bottom of this, so she calls Jordan aside and says "James told me you were acting entitled during a poker game...what's up/"  Jordan's a little taken aback, and frankly so am I.  Have we ever had the Bachelorette or Bachelor straight up roll over on their informant like that?  Also, there's gotta be footage of this poker game, right?  One of the other guys had to be in the room, right?  Where's their commentary on the incident?  Where's the grainy security cam feed?  C'mon ABC!

In the end, Redneck Ice gets the rose.  It really wasn't in doubt....JoJo was pretty much giving him a handy through his jeans during their one-on-one portion.  All the while, Redneck Ice is stream of consciousness talking about moments and being with her makes him happy that he doesn't care if it's only five minutes a week and how its crazy that the two of them found each other on a reality show and I don't even know why he's still talking since she's running her hand up his groin.......She's already accepted your offer dude, stop trying to persuade her!

Finally we get our two-on-one between Chase and Derek.  Chase and Derek both suck, so this is a toss up.  Chase is just kind of that guy that never really does anything to distinguish himself, and Derek is that guy who thinks the other guys are too macho and he's the sensitive one that understands her better than any other guy ever could, and just has an insanely inflated view of himself, but thinks it's OK because he masks it in a quiet, calm demeanor.

They go to a tango dancing lesson, and really all I want in my life is that dance instructor say "yes!" over my shoulder all day while I do daily activities.  With her accent, it sounds like "jess....jess!" and she sounds so goddamned sincere in her praise for their bad dancing, it's no wonder Derek thinks he's nailing it.  I swear to God if she followed me around while I mowed the lawn, my grass would be immaculate all the time.  "jess Andeee, zat is muy bueno!"

In the end, JoJo has only one rose to give, and she gives it to Chase, which was the right decision, because he wouldn't have cried in the van like that ninny Derek!  As some Madonna wannabe sings "Don't Cry for Me Argentina," Derek says stupid things like "Obviously Chase is more her type, and that's why he got the rose," and "that's not me...I'm just Derek, and Derek is imperfect" as tears run down his cheek and he scolds himself for crying.  I'll bet when he walked into his office this morning, everyone who watched the show just bit their lip and muttered "Don't cry" to him as he passes their desk.  What a moron.

Finally we get to the cocktail party, where Jordan tells JoJo his intent is to propose to her at the end of the season, which of course she eats up.  James knows he's in trouble now....and launches into another round of "I'm not worthy" comments.  Take your crappy arm tattoo and your guitar and go, James.

JoJo gives roses to Jordan, and Robby, who join Redneck Ice and Chase as safe....leaving Alex, who really didn't get a chance to go full arrogant short man now that Chad is gone, and James "I'm not Worthy" Taylor.  JoJo has a fake panic attack and demands another rose.  She claims it's because she's too conflicted to send one home, but in reality this had to happen because we have another show to fill before hometowns and Well's one-on-one departure created a one dude shortage that the producers must've not anticipated.  I mean, they even made JoJo go to a concert by herself that she was supposed to hit up with Wells.  At least I finally got an answer to my question about if the elaborate nightcap to dates get used even if the guy doesn't get  rose.

Oh, and I still miss Chad

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