Bachelorette Season Twelve, Episode 6: Living in a Post-Chadpocalyptic World

It doesn't happen very often, but every once in a while something comes before Bachelor Nation for me.  Last night, that thing was a Los Angeles Angels baseball game on ESPN.  I generally don't like missing opportunities to watch Mike Trout do things like this.  I haven't even fired up the DVR yet, and I'm already missing Chad.  But thankfully, a new episode of the show means no more Chris Harrison tweeting about soccer.  He's the worst.  Look at some of these tweets!

Ok #BachelorNation let's turn our love and attention to team #USA @ussoccer #Copa #USAvARG I believe!

— Chris Harrison (@chrisbharrison) June 21, 2016

We're starting out alright here......

US winner in pk's after a 1-1 tie RT @kdashtillman: @chrisbharrison @ussoccer what's your prediction Chris?

— Chris Harrison (@chrisbharrison) June 21, 2016

Nice....predicting a win! He believes!

@chrisbharrison @ussoccer Only if we get a drunk #DianaMurphy to hand out the trophy. #USGA

— Tygerttg (@Tygerttg) June 23, 2016

Uh....I get that he's trying to be funny, but he sure sounds like he's backing out on his bold prediction of a U.S. upset pretty quickly.

Buckle up kids it's gonna be a bumpy ride @ussoccer #Messi putting on a clinic!!! World class rip

— Chris Harrison (@chrisbharrison) June 22, 2016

Alright, so maybe he didn't believe so much......

No words #Messi  now we pray for the run rule #USAvARG

— Chris Harrison (@chrisbharrison) June 22, 2016

Jesus dude...we get it.  We're not as good as Argentina.

All @ussoccer players care about now is who gets Messi's jersey after the game

— Chris Harrison (@chrisbharrison) June 22, 2016

OK man, shut the hell up now.  This wasn't the 1992 Dream Team playing Angola in the Tournament of the Americas.  But what's even better was how quickly he turned on Argentina when they struggled against Chile in the finals:

These two great teams are a joke right now. Including Messi RT @MatthewKnese: @chrisbharrison ref a joke

— Chris Harrison (@chrisbharrison) June 27, 2016

A JOKE!

Alright, let's finally get into this episode:

We start with a trip to Argentina, where JoJo tells us that Buenos Aires is the perfect place to fall in love.  Harrison tells us that, for the first time in history, we are going to have a second two-on-one date.  The guys of course freak out.  Redneck Vanilla Ice is all "on the two-on-one, someone goes home immediately after the date," as if nobody has ever seen the show before.  I guess on the off chance that some random person just turned on a show that's been on the air for 20 years for the very first time tonight, that was helpful.  Thanks, Ice.  Someone else quips that two-on-one's are "no mas....not good."  Nope...that's not what no mas means, buddy.  Good try though.

Wells gets our first date, and lets all the other guys know that he hasn't kissed her yet.  All the guys react more or less like people in the crowd at an and-1 tour basketball game when someone gets dunked on. We then get nearly everyone involved in the show telling us that Wells HAS to kiss her immediately to get it out of the way or the pressure will be so immense that the sheer weight of the moment will crush him and he'll never be able to live up to the expectations in JoJo's mind.  Nevermind the fact that Wells hasn't had a one-on-one date yet to really get the chance to get her alone.....I think the only time he did have a chance was when he was possibly suffering from heat stroke after the firefighter date.

Anyways, their date involves wandering the streets of Buenos Aires and not kissing, until they end up at something called Brute Force, which is like basically some 15 year old kids wet dream.  It involves hot women in skimpy clothes soaking wet and writhing around, followed by starring in your own action movie where you get shot, but everyone else dies.  What the hell was that?  You're running on a treadmill, you get fake shot, but then the ladies you pass on the street are the ones that collapse?  Other countries are weird.  I wonder what we do here in America for entertainment that the rest of the world thinks is just crazy.....my vote is for themed running events.  Like you can't run in our race unless you wear a mustache, or are being chased by zombies, or some other strange thing.  I get that a ton of people love to run, but it's like the water of exercise....you should never pay for it.

Anyways, Wells finally gets his kiss when he gets his chance to be a woman in skimpy clothes soaking wet and writhing around with JoJo.  JoJo is so proud of him for kissing her, and it looks like the guys were right.  He missed his window.  Further compounding the problem at dinner, Wells says that his last relationship fizzled and it got to the point that he was more or less living with his best friend.  JoJo says "I think that the person that I marry, that passion will always be there.  Like no matter how long we're together, I'm going to look at him and say "he's still the hottest guy in the world to me."  Jesus, I hope my wife never thought that.  Our ten year anniversary is coming up, so I took a stroll through memory lane looking at pictures of our wedding, and no joke my first reaction (after saying "who the hell are some of these people and why did we invite them to our wedding?") was "damn, I really thought I looked much better on that day than I actually did." Again, this is a good reminder to not base your relationships on the advice of a 24 year old girl on a reality show.  Nonetheless, she's still got pie in the sky hopes for her relationship, and Wells is much more of a realist.  Plus he's kind of a prude.  So he's gone.  And with that, my favorite remaining guy is toast.

Group date time.  The group date involves playing soccer on the streets of Argentina.  James spends the entire time talking about how much better looking the other guys are, and how much of a dork he is and on and on and on and on.  How he's not cool like them....how he doesn't feel like he deserves to be there.....how he can't compare to any of them.  It was really pathetic to listen to actually.  Then, he gets some alone time with JoJo, and lays out that Jordan acted like a dick in a game of poker.  When JoJo presses him for more details, he just kinda says "ya know...he's Jordan Rodgers.  He's on magazines (what magazine is that?), he's the be-all-end-all.' and then mumbles a lot until he says "gosh you're pretty, can I kiss you now?"  If you have to ask, you don't deserve it man.  This lack of confidence thing is killing me.

JoJo wants to get to the bottom of this, so she calls Jordan aside and says "James told me you were acting entitled during a poker game...what's up/"  Jordan's a little taken aback, and frankly so am I.  Have we ever had the Bachelorette or Bachelor straight up roll over on their informant like that?  Also, there's gotta be footage of this poker game, right?  One of the other guys had to be in the room, right?  Where's their commentary on the incident?  Where's the grainy security cam feed?  C'mon ABC!

In the end, Redneck Ice gets the rose.  It really wasn't in doubt....JoJo was pretty much giving him a handy through his jeans during their one-on-one portion.  All the while, Redneck Ice is stream of consciousness talking about moments and being with her makes him happy that he doesn't care if it's only five minutes a week and how its crazy that the two of them found each other on a reality show and I don't even know why he's still talking since she's running her hand up his groin.......She's already accepted your offer dude, stop trying to persuade her!

Finally we get our two-on-one between Chase and Derek.  Chase and Derek both suck, so this is a toss up.  Chase is just kind of that guy that never really does anything to distinguish himself, and Derek is that guy who thinks the other guys are too macho and he's the sensitive one that understands her better than any other guy ever could, and just has an insanely inflated view of himself, but thinks it's OK because he masks it in a quiet, calm demeanor.

They go to a tango dancing lesson, and really all I want in my life is that dance instructor say "yes!" over my shoulder all day while I do daily activities.  With her accent, it sounds like "jess....jess!" and she sounds so goddamned sincere in her praise for their bad dancing, it's no wonder Derek thinks he's nailing it.  I swear to God if she followed me around while I mowed the lawn, my grass would be immaculate all the time.  "jess Andeee, zat is muy bueno!"

In the end, JoJo has only one rose to give, and she gives it to Chase, which was the right decision, because he wouldn't have cried in the van like that ninny Derek!  As some Madonna wannabe sings "Don't Cry for Me Argentina," Derek says stupid things like "Obviously Chase is more her type, and that's why he got the rose," and "that's not me...I'm just Derek, and Derek is imperfect" as tears run down his cheek and he scolds himself for crying.  I'll bet when he walked into his office this morning, everyone who watched the show just bit their lip and muttered "Don't cry" to him as he passes their desk.  What a moron.

Finally we get to the cocktail party, where Jordan tells JoJo his intent is to propose to her at the end of the season, which of course she eats up.  James knows he's in trouble now....and launches into another round of "I'm not worthy" comments.  Take your crappy arm tattoo and your guitar and go, James.

JoJo gives roses to Jordan, and Robby, who join Redneck Ice and Chase as safe....leaving Alex, who really didn't get a chance to go full arrogant short man now that Chad is gone, and James "I'm not Worthy" Taylor.  JoJo has a fake panic attack and demands another rose.  She claims it's because she's too conflicted to send one home, but in reality this had to happen because we have another show to fill before hometowns and Well's one-on-one departure created a one dude shortage that the producers must've not anticipated.  I mean, they even made JoJo go to a concert by herself that she was supposed to hit up with Wells.  At least I finally got an answer to my question about if the elaborate nightcap to dates get used even if the guy doesn't get  rose.

Oh, and I still miss Chad

Bachelorette Season 12, Episode 4: First Rule of Chad is Don't Talk About Chad

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Bachelorette Season 12, Episode 3: You Can't Bully a Bully

Before we get going tonight, I'd like to recommend that all fans out there in Bachelor Nation read Courtney Robertson's book.  I've provided the link to the Oregon Digital Library Consortium, because while I'd recommend you read it, I'd never recommend you spend money on it.  While it's a blatant attempt to cast herself in the best possible light and sell books by bad-mouthing Ben Flajnik and pretty much anyone else she could, it does offer some good insights (rarely, but they're in there) into what goes on behind the scenes and how involved Bachelor producers are in how the girls act and what actually happens on the dates.  I know Andi Dorfman just wrote a book too, but it's not in the library (yet), and apparently she doesn't name names...rather calling every guy by a number in the order they got out of the limo to talk to her.  I'm sure there's some good stuff in there too, but it just seems like the sole purpose of calling guys by numbers instead of their names is to make us all have to rewatch the first episode or do some research online to match a name with a number.  Reading books is hard enough without the writer actively making it more difficult for us readers.

Ok on to the episode:

Oh good....a two night Bachelorette event.  The only good thing about this is that it means I don't have to sit through a stupid rose ceremony tonight.  We start with some bleary eyed dudes around a messy house.  Robby says that it's indicative of what went on at the rose ceremony.  So....Chad drank all that alcohol and threw carrots on the ground?  It looks more like a rebel Easter Bunny had a bender.

Chase gets the one on one date.  America says:

The date card says "let's get physical." So they go to a bikram yoga studio run by a lady named Himalaya Bell.  You might be thinking to yourself "Himalaya Bell...what a ridiculous name.  Who names their kid after a mountain range.  There aren't many Ozark Martins or Pyrenees Bradshaws running around.  BUT WAIT.  Because this is America, where nobody can spell their own name anymore, her name is actually Hemalayaa Behl.  The only time I do yoga is on the Wii Fit, and I call my digital trainer Jessica. Perhaps I should call her Jehsika.

Hemalayaa says "Hi JoJo!" when they walk in, as if she knows who she is, then asks how long her and Chase have been "intimate." This then leads to them grunting and thrusting their pelvises before throwing a temper tantrum Ms. Behl refers to as an "angergasm."  This isn't a real thing right?  Nobody actually does this, right?  They then straddle each other and make out. Jojo feels safe in his arms.  We all know how dangerous those Yoga Studios for horny people are.  As they continue to make out and straddle each other.  Hemalayaa and her sidekick (we'll call him Andes) strangely disappear.  I'd say it was to give them privacy, but these yoga people seem to be impervious to awkwardness and I would guess that normally they'd be close enough to touch knees with the sweaty couple. Thank God for our first commercial break.

At dinner, JoJo says she felt "connected" to Chase when she was sitting on his lap and their genitals were separated by spandex and not much else.  Chase says that's important to him as a "child of divorce."  Oh man.  That's his big reveal?  His parents got divorced, and he doesn't want to go down that road because he saw how bad his parents felt when it happened. That's probably a good thing buddy, because it means they actually cared about each other.  Anyways, given that Chase's big unhappy past story is that his parents got divorced, I think that means he's probably a decent, drama-free dude who might actually be a good husband.  Personally, he seems like the best candidate for the next Bachelor.  The ladies love the sensitive, sweet, clean cut dudes.

Back at the house, Chad says he'd rather pass on the group date to have a one on one later.  Cue the freakouts by the other contestants!  OH MY GOD HE DOESN'T WANT TO GO ON A GROUP DATE. This leads to Evan the boner doctor asking for a Sharpie to cross Chad's name off.  Evan's the scrawniest dude left, so of course Meathead Chad attacks him first, telling him to stop talking.  Jordan then really escalates things by suggesting that Chad sucks at spelling, and now it's on.  Cue the "you're a failed football player" blast.  If by failed you mean he was a two year starter at an SEC school who got a shot with three NFL teams and a CFL team, then sure, he's a failure.  I'd call that pretty damn good though.  Alex then gets into the fray too, condescendingly calling Chad "bro."

In the limo on the ride to the date, one of the guys says he thinks Alex is going to snap and throw down with Chad soon.  Alex says "somebody needs to bring this up in front of of JoJo.  Alex, the big, tough, strong, war veteran, is trying to suggest that someone else call Chad out because he's too scared to do it himself.  What a douche.

Their date is to get on stage and tell their embarrassing sexual stories to a group of strangers.  DO PEOPLE ACTUALLY DO THIS STUFF? Like, people pay money to listen to other people talk about how they lost their virginity?  Why would you do this? I'm only on board with this if JoJo goes first.  Otherwise, it's total bullcrap.  Don't ask someone to do something you wouldn't do yourself. Chad's not into this, and I agree.

Evan feels that Chad "broke the man code" last night (by eating too much meat?) and so he's going to tell sexy Chad stories or something.  Alex is like "yeah do that!" Let's push the scrawniest dude to antagonize the guy who does pull-ups with a suitcase around his waist.  This should be good.  As Evan gets going on the dangers of taking steroids and implies Chad's on the juice.  Alex is nodding enthusiastically and like "oh I can't wait for Chad to kill Evan."  Chad's turn comes up, and he says "this is about the future and goes in for a kiss with JoJo, who gives him the cheek.  Alex can't handle how great this is.  He's chest bumping people and celebrating like he just won $10,000 at the blackjack table.  Chad is understandably pissed that Evan implied he took steroids in front of JoJo. JoJo's playing innocent and like she doesn't understand why this is happening.  C'mon JoJo. Chad shoves Evan, and Evan's like "what are you mad about? It's comedy dude."

Chad's an ass, but he's right.  In a moment I watched probably ten times, Chad walks by Evan and fakes like he's going to hit him.  Evan jumps like he just touched an electric fence, and then says "don't you put your hands on me dude."

The role of Evan will be played by Mark Sanchez tonight

At the cocktail party, Jordan says he's made mistakes in the past putting his career and other things (women?) in front of his girlfriend.  JoJo says "I know what you mean. I didn't open up on last season for like five weeks!"  JoJo kisses him .  Alex says he's there to "ride or die" Alex sucks.  Chad's pissing everyone off, so then they interrogate him yet again.  This time Vinny asks the questions.  Chad tries a bit of revisionist history by saying Evan's trying to intimidate him.  This is just insane. ABC sure made it seem like Evan's shirt ripped, but it seems like it's fine.  Evan demands an apology.  Chad says "leave me alone." I swear to God, if Alex has a conversation with Evan coming up here where he says "we got him right where we want him...just sit right next to him when JoJo comes back in and say something steroid related.  He'll go completely nuts! It'll be great." I'll lose it.  Alex is like a drug dealer using children to move his product so he doesn't get busted himself.  He's more than willing to let Evan get his ass kicked to get Chad out of there.  Nevermind it'll probably get Evan the boot too....that's not the point.  Alex is officially my least favorite guy.  Chad may be arrogant, but he's not trying to hide anything.  Alex on the other hand thinks he's perfect.  Plus, he chest bumps guys after telling sex stories.  It's creepy.

Back at the house, Luke says he's going to cry in a corner if JoJo gives the date to someone else.  Singin' James gets the date, and Luke doesn't follow through on his promise to cry.

Chad walks past every one-on-one date and then makes snide comments to the camera.  Chad's mean, but funny.  Chad has his time with JoJo, and says that Evan was trying to "bully the bully" which JoJo doesn't understand.  Of course, then Evan comes to interrupt Chad, which sort of backs up what Chad's been saying.  Evan uses his time to say he "needs to be stronger."  I assume this means talking more and connecting with JoJo.  Nope.  It means telling her he's going to leave if Chad stays. So...he's going to prove his strength by leaving if the mean guy stays?  JoJo should send them both home....this is clearly not about her.  I'd say "if you guys are so concerned about each other, then you're both out." The problem with this is that it'd be a win for Alex.

Incredibly, I'm rooting for her to send Evan home, just to see Alex's reaction.

WHY IS THERE SO MUCH LEATHER ON THIS SEASON?

Holy crap, it looks like I'm going to get my wish.  JoJo's giving him the "you're great, but..." speech.  And then she gives him the rose.  I don't even know what to say right now. He calls this a "win for his kids" and says "guess what? Daddy made out with JoJo!" Screw this.  JoJo isn't even trying to find love.  She's a straight up shill for ABC and their ratings.  I'm with Chad on this (again) Did you see the way she kissed him?  That's the way you kiss your toddler when he's got a boo-boo.  She has no interest in Evan.  Chad is in disbelief that she gave him a rose, as am I.  Chad picks a bad moment to call this out though, and JoJo is not impressed.

Derek, despite not having any noticeable beef with Chad, says he doesn't feel safe.  This led to a ridiculous scene of a security guard watching Chad sleep.  Give me a goddamn break.  There's camera's all over that place.  No way does a security guard need to be standing in a doorway watching people sleep.

James Taylor, a guy I kinda liked before this date, is not impressing me now.  His energy level is almost too much.  I feel like I'd need a nap by noon every day if I hung out with him.  JoJo seems to like it, but it's almost like the way girls act around their gay male friends in movies.  James, despite being charismatic enough to make it onto a reality show, always things girls are talking to him because they're interested in his best friend Marcus. Anyone else want to meet Marcus now?  He gets a rose, sings a song on his guitar, JoJo cries, and they make out.  I'm willing to bet actual money that he wouldn't have got that kiss if he didn't have his guitar.  Him and his guitar are like Sampson and his hair.

Daniel.....Oh man.  He tells Chad he's making Daniel look bad by association and tells him to be less like Hitler and more like Mussolini.  "Don't be like cancer man.  Be more like genital warts." Good pep talk Daniel.  Chad intelligently says nothing, and continues to chew on a piece of lettuce like a goat.

I forgot there's probably no rose ceremony tonight! We get a shot of the guys working out with actual weights, which totally makes me wonder why the hell he was doing pull-ups with a suitcase last week.  Harrison shows up to tell the guys there won't be a cocktail party. The guys are bummed.  Surprise! JoJo's coming for a pool party all day!

Evan pulls Harrison aside and says he doesn't feel safe despite the security guards being around.  Political correctness has now come to the Bachelor, where everyone needs to have a safe space.  Chris tells Chad that guys say he's taking steriods.  Chad says "I couldn't sneak those in here!" Not exactly a denial, bud.  Chris asks him to smooth things over.  Chad's response: "I'm going to rip arms and legs off and throw torsos in the pool."

For the first time ever, I'm thankful that it's to be continued.  It's past midnight and I'm exhausted, but if this thing was going to keep running, there's no way I could turn it off right now.

Bachelorette Season 12 Episode 2: Hanging Chad

My daughter finally got tired of insulting me and went to sleep....guess I can finally watch this week's episode!

Oh Chad.....starting off the episode with a montage of people talking about how terrible he is.  If they hadn't shown that, his "to a beautiful girl, a beautiful life, f*ck you guys, I'm gonna make her my wife" toast would've been pretty funny.  This seems like a good time to mention the urban dictionary for the name Chad:

A stereotypical douchebag asshole/jock/frat boy/ with an ego the size of the planet, who needs a swift roundhouse kick to the jaw, ala Chuck Norris style (though if actually issued by Norris, this punishment may be too extreme, even for a chad). Basically, they think they're the best at everything, love to talk shit, and are a general nuisance in every way possible.

A chad is somewhat easy to sight, as they're everywhere, but the only way to know for sure is to talk to/observe one. They typically dress in a similar manner to a "bro", though are not in fact bros. They either wear the latest fashionable clothing from big brands, or highly expensive graphic tees, most likely of the MMA (Mixed martial arts) variety. They most likely sport a tribal tattoo, or something of the like. They most commonly drive V6 Mustangs, S10 pickup trucks, or crotch rockets.

The group date starts with a limo in flames.  There's a firefighter in this group right?  However, he doesn't seem the least bit concerned about the car literally exploding a few feet away from him.  Instead, Jojo shows up on a fire truck and sprays the car down with a hose. All the guys then hop on the fire truck with her and head off for their group date.   Chad really Chads it up, talking about how he used to be a car salesman and how he'd show people all the crappy cars before letting them see his good cars.  I'm guessing this is some sort of car dealer strategy to wear people down and make them think they have to spend more than they were originally planning to or something, but it seems risky.  Like, what if the person realizes that they really don't need bells and whistles, or what if they get bored and just decide they don't need a car right now?  Anyways, Chad's convinced that given enough time, every single guy will hang himself, leaving Chad as the obvious choice for JoJo.  Good luck with that buddy.

Chad then continues his slow climb to peak Chad, doing pull-ups with a suitcase held around his waist.  Chad's like that James dude from Desiree's season, only more arrogant and mean.  

I love that on the group date they're doing firefighter drills and Luke thinks that he's got a legitimate chance to out firefight Grant, an actual firefighter.  This is a trait all males have.  We all think we can do things better than people that are actually doing it.  I can't count the number of times I've yelled a guy making millions of dollars to throw a baseball for taking a pitch.  "I would've swung at that...I could've hit that a mile," I'll mutter at the TV.  Or if a guy sees some other guy making some romantic gesture at a restaurant, he'll think "I would've had the mariachi band play a different tune...that would've been way better." Which of course completely ignores the fact that he never would've even thought to have the band come play in the first place.

Predictably, the firefighter wins the firefighting competition, and just as predictably, Luke is incredibly disappointed that he couldn't defeat someone at something they do for a profession.  It's like getting mad you didn't eat as many hot dogs as Joey Chestnut at the state fair or something, or that you couldn't beat Steph Curry in a free throw contest.  Yet this is the mind of a man.  Ladies, we can't help it.  It's really not our fault.

I gotta admit, I'm kinda pulling for Wells, if only because he doesn't look like he spends six hours a day in a gym and probably doesn't drink raw eggs on a regular basis.  I'm actively rooting for the dude who brought in an a capella group on night one to serenade JoJo for him.  

Luke looks like he just got off the set of Grease Live.  I kinda liked this guy on night one, but if he's going to pull out a comb and smooth out his hair while his leg twitches like a dog being scratched on the haunches, I'm out on him.

As a guy, I'll freely admit that I'm not big on fashion, but what is the purpose of a turtleneck that shows off your midriff?  To me, it's basically the capri pants of tops....it serves no purpose other than to look ridiculous.  

Wells gets the rose, much to the chagrin of T-bird Luke.  It appears that our girl Jojo may have a bit of Florence Nightingale Syndrome, and gives the rose to our baby-bird-that's-fallen-out-of-the-nest Wells.

Derek, who many of my Bachelor-watching friends agree is a reality show version of Jim Halpert, gets the first date.  As the happy couple exits the mansion, Jojo walks him up to a vintage baby blue convertible and coos "you like my whip?" People still refer to their cars as whips?  I thought that maybe went out of style when Nelly died.  What's that?  Nelly's still alive? Google tells me this the the second most asked question about Nelly, behind "Is Nelly Married?"  If Nelly's still alive, why isn't he making music?  I always liked that guy.......

I think the fact that I'm getting off topic is a bad sign for this season.  Jojo is boring as hell.  She's note cute enough (like Ali or Des) to carry the show, she's not crazy enough (like Ashley) to make it interesting....I'm not sure what she brings to the show.

Back at the house, Singing James is leading the guys in campfire singalongs.  You have to admire a guy that can get 12 other dudes to break out in a song about a girl.  He's basically Maverick trying to pick up Charlie in the bar. Maybe he's kind of missing the whole "I'm also a kickass fighter pilot" aspect, but that makes it even more impressive.  Guys usually follow the Alpha male.  James is definitely not an Alpha.  Speaking of Alphas.....

Chad is a treasure.  He just tried to say that nice guys are assholes and that he, being an asshole, is actually the nice guy.  He's found a dopey sidekick in Canadian Daniel to agree with everything he says.  They then compare the guys in the house to protein shakes.  Because, when you're a Chad, you stick to what you know.  If it wasn't protein shakes, it was going to be colognes, or crossfit workouts.

Back on the group date, Jojo's dress is covered with LED lights like a goddamned electric christmas tree.  Oh wait, maybe those are just sequins.  For a second I thought she borrowed David Hasselhoff's jacket from his Berlin Wall performance:

 

Jojo's style icon

Derek, by virtue of being our first one-on-one dater, gets the first opportunity to tell his sob story.  He can't quite get it out though, until after he hears Jojo say how much our boy Ben Higgins hurt her.  His story:  I loved a girl, and she loved someone else.  Welcome to the freaking club, buddy.  I was just talking to a friend today about a girl I met in college that I hit it off with.  She went to a college in California, and I made plans to go see her over spring break.  Sometime between the time I left Oregon and arrived in the Bay Area though, she decided that her ex-boyfriend deserved a second chance and I was given money for an oil change and sent on my way back to Oregon.  Granted, we weren't in a serious relationship, but it definitely hurt, and it definitely made me feel like a fool.  Point is, it happens to everyone.  You're not special because you got dumped.

Next up is some fun Disney cross-promotion, with ESPN personalities Max Kellerman and Marcellus Wiley. They put the dudes through a series of goofy challenges starting with guys doing their best celebration dance.  None of them are great, but Jordan's "rodeo" beats out Nick's "shower" in my opinion. The shower makes no sense at all.

This is followed by dizzy-bat proposals.  Chad doesn't like the guys "lovely words" so he opts for the direct "will you marry me?" When he gets razzed for not being very romantic, he says JoJo is being a little "naggy," and then justifies his actions by saying "Me man.  They boys.  Me not let girl tell me what to do.  Girl like man who tell them what to do."

Afterwards, Chad gets bashed by all the guys for being Chad, and Chad uses the Donald Trump response of "I'm being real and telling it like it is." After that though, he definitely states a strong case of "I'm not going to pretend I'm in love with you already.  If these guys tell you they're in love with you because of what they saw on TV, that's weird."  I hate to say it, but Chad's right here.  He's done a good job of redeeming himself.  The "naggy" thing was way premature, and I think it's a fine line between being honest and being Chaddish.  He's gonna ride that line all season I think.

The guys are then ranked by Max and Marcellus, but curiously they only go Top 3.  Is this another example of participation trophy society?  We can't let anyone know they came in last? I want to know if Jordan, Christian, or Saint Nick came in last......actually I don't need to know.  It was totally Christian.  That guy bothers me.

In a classic Bachelor move, they send all the guys to their own room for no apparent reason other than to have them argue with Chad.  Singin' James says he has a long memory and won't forget that Chad called him a liar.  Something tells me his guitar doesn't scare The Chad.

Later, at the cocktail party, JoJo says that "James may not be the best athlete, but he came in first in the power rankings, so I'm going to pay attention to James tonight."  God damnit Jojo.  This statement is so weird.  So James wasn't a factor because he's not in peak physical condition?  How can this be when you just gave Wells, the male version of Olive Oyl, a rose on the last group date?  James then goes on to say a lot of sweet things that show him to be a nice and thoughtful guy, even if he did have to write them down.  Girls love notes.  Why do girls love notes?  I get the power of the written word, but it's easy.  I'm way cooler online than I am in person.  You know why?  Because I can actually take my time and try a few different ways of saying things until I find the best way to say it.  Chad wouldn't have called JoJo naggy in a chat room.  He'd have had time to delete it and phrase it better.  Notes are Cliff Notes for conversations.  I don't know if girls fail to realize this, or are impressed that a guy would take the time to make sure he got the words just right.  Me personally, I'd give more points for an unscripted attempt at romance that fell flat over a rehearsed perfect speech, but that's just me.  And this is coming from someone who loves writing. James gets a kiss, which would be more significant if he wasn't the fifth or sixth guy this episode to climb that peak.

Chad then gives us a rundown on why all the guys are pathetic:  Christian is fake and rehearses everything in his head before he says it.  Again, I hate that I agree with him. Alex is too short.  Not sure how Chad knows what JoJo likes.  Nick tries too hard.  Given that he showed up as Santa on night one, this is a hard point to argue with.   And Jordan is fake.  I can't understand his hatred of Jordan, other than he's threatened by him. 

Chad gets his Chad time, and now he's explaining that the naggy thing was a joke. I can't be real and be a joke too.  Jojo's convinced that Chad is overcompensating for something.  This is a textbook move of the girl who likes a guy despite his general douchebaggery.  "There has to be a reason he's an ass, and if I can just find out what it is, I can make him a good guy!" Turns out Chad's mom died recently, and he inherited his dead mom's tiny puppy.  This is catnip for Jojo.  Cue the makeout session!  Chad's already sure he's got this thing locked up...but......

James gets the rose.  Chad's shortlived nice-guy phase is over.  Look the hell out, house.  If Jojo pulled him aside and tried to explain why he didn't get the rose right now, I'm 99% sure Chad would hang himself.  He'd just start talking and hating on everyone, and then eventually call Jojo stupid for wasting her time with the other guys.  It takes talent to talk and tie a noose at the same time, but it's only a matter of time before Chad masters it.

Chad as he talks to JoJo

At the rose ceremony, Chad tries the "I'm not here to make friends" tactic that has been attempted many, many times on this show before.  It always ends the same.  It'll keep you around for a few weeks, but very rarely does it get you all the way to the end.  The only person to successfully pull this off was Courtney Robertson, who won only because she was also a freaking model and Ben Flajnik was a horny idiot.  JoJo is not a horny idiot, at least that I can tell so far.

Chad's alone time rubs the guys the wrong way, and Alex needs to get to the bottom of this.  "Why were you outside?" "What was happening outside?"  "How did Jojo come to be there?" "What did you talk about?" Alex has watched A Few Good Men a few too many times.  Calm the hell down, man.  

Next the guy have a problem with Chad eating food. Again, why are we criticizing him for eating? There's plenty of reasons to hate Chad.  The fact that he was smart enough to stand outside so Jojo would see him first, and likes to eat free food are not two of the reasons.  I actually love that Chad not only knows that the guys hate him, but that he knows EXACTLY HOW TO TWEAK THEM. He's planning on talking to her again, just so Alex can issue a Code Red on him for talking to Jojo TWICE IN ONE NIGHT!

Even better, he cuts off Alex! This is a brilliant gameplan.  I was sure that Chad would end up hanging himself with the noose he was making, but really he's about to hand it to Alex, who will walk right into it.  Incredible move, Chad

Up next, the Mean Girls Club surrounds Chad to complain about him eating food and talking to JoJo.  Chad is an asshole, but he's winning this night.  Hands down.  He then goes to interrupt Evan the Penis Enhancer.  In what may be the saddest moment in the history of this show, Evan sits on the couch and tells the guys what happened and then hangs his head like a dog that just pissed on the carpet, and gets a consoling squeeze on the shoulder from the Hipster.  THE HIPSTER! I just feel so bad for Evan.  He helps guys get boners for a living and can't stand up for himself.  

Alex may be short, but he's not afraid to stand tall to Chad.  I love it when guys try to intimidate other guys by calling them "bro." "I ain't scared of you, bro.  I can promise you that." Chad's had just about enough of this, and threatens to remove Alex's teeth from his mouth. Keep it together Chad.  If you can just keep your cool, these other guys will actually fall for your plan and hang themselves. 

I think it's telling that Wells, Derek, and James are the guys who already have roses tonight.  They're like the three least macho guys in the room - Hipster and Dr. Boner don't count, as they're aren't even men. I fully expected both of them to get sent home, but Dr. Boner stood tall.  In addition to Hipster Brandon, Superfan James can go back to watching the show on TV, and some other dude, I think it was the dorky engineer with the bad jokes, all go home.  

Tune in next week, when Chad sneers at romantic gestures and drives guys crazy with his eating habits!

Bachelorette Season 12: Episode 1 - JoJo meets the Bozos

We're back again!  This franchise has been on a bit of a roll lately, with Sean/Catherine, Des/Chris, and Caitlyn/Sean still being together...plus Ben and Lauren not breaking up yet either.  That's like four of the last seven couples still together.

We get our recap of JoJo's time on the Bachelor with Mr. Higgins:  She wore a unicorn mask, introduced herself as Joelle (which apparently nobody paid attention to), was almost blown off a roof by a helicopter before taking cover behind a cheap cocktail table, then had her declaration of love reciprocated with a promise that she would never be blindsided, only to be told "I'm in love with you....but not as much as this ditzy blonde over here."  Also, her brothers are huge dicks.

This show is charming in the way that every bachelor/ette has to spend the first segment of the show saying the same things (I had my heart broken, I never thought in a million years that I'd be the bachelor/ette, bring on the girls/guys!) and walk around on beaches in as few clothes as possible.  Despite the fact that we know this stuff is coming, we still all eat it up.

Next comes the standard alumni pep talk.  Kaitlyn, Ali, and Des all tell her to make out with as many people as possible, but then back that up with "you can't focus on how hot they are, because that turns into lust. You need to focus on compatibility and who you can build a relationship with."

Oh really, ladies?  That's what you should focus on if you want a strong, long lasting relationship?  Watch your ass, Dr. Phil.  These ladies are solving all the world's problems. After a toast to all the men, JoJo talks about not letting the ladies down.  If Juan Pablo couldn't tarnish the legacy of the franchise, JoJo would basically have to get pregnant by a stagehand or do cocaine in a bathroom with Chris Harrison to torpedo the show.

Let's meet some guys!

First up is San Francisco firefighter Grant.  He enjoys fighting fires because he likes doing stuff when people are in a bad spot.  Heart of gold on this guy.

Next we have Jordan the football player.  He's Aaron Rodgers little brother.  His sob story is that his brother is awesome and he's always been compared to his big bro, and he was so hellbent on chasing down his football dreams he didn't marry some girl that was probably just with him because he was as close as she'd ever get to Aaron Rodgers.

Alex the Marine was on a fast track to nowhere until he enlisted in the armed services.  He also has a twin Marine brother.  I wonder if they go on covert ops all the time like those twins on Quantico?

Next we have James the huge dork.  His shtick is that he watches the bachelor because his mom was a big fan.  He even does brackets with two random people and a kid that probably hates her life right about now.

Evan the hipster used to be a preacher, now he gives people penile enhancement drugs.  Everything he says is a veiled penis reference.  Could be funny, but his delivery is a little stiff.

Ali, plays the piano, reads books with a real effeminate dog. Because he is from a foreign country, all of his siblings are insanely successful.  This lead to a lot of stress in his life, so now he surfs all day and skateboards around with his girly dog.  Of course he's a bartender.

Up next is a crossfitter who is also a telecom consultant. He's motivated because he's biracial.  His grandpa is a racist, and for some reason, his younger siblings live with him.  This guy has NO BAGGAGE WHATSOEVER.

Texas Luke is pretty much a stereotype of Texas come to life.  He's a rancher/war veteran who likes to lean against barns with one leg bent behind him.  I'll bet he likes steak too.

After a short break, JoJo arrives at the house and we can get this night started in earnest.  I still wonder if the icebreaker scenes are thought up by production assistants on their own, or if the guys have any input on them at all.  We're going to rank these intros on a scale of 1-10, based on a few criteria:

• Memorability: Will you remember the person's name tomorrow morning because of their intro?
• Delivery: Do they seem at least  slightly natural when addressing JoJo, or do they stammer and basically look like they'd rather be anywhere else?
• Originality: Have we seen this before, or is it something new?

Jordan: Nothing too memorable, but seems comfortable in telling JoJo that his parents got engaged after a few months and are now 36 years into marriage.  Solid delivery of a relevant anecdote. Didn't go to the "oh yeah, and my brother is one of the most famous people in the country and is dating an evil X-Man in a purple leotard with electric swords....we could totally double date with them."  Score: 7.5

Derek: This guy was way nervous, goes straight for the "you're super hot" compliment, and then backs it up with "I find your sense of self sexy."  I have no idea what that means.
Score: 3

Grant: Grant vows to not do what Ben did to her and fall in love with two girls on the show. JoJo misses an opportunity to put him on his heels and say "big talk considering I'm the only girl here." Grant the firefighter.  Helping people by doing stuff and not falling in love with imaginary women.  Must be nice to attractive though.....
Score: 2.5

James F.: He's not here for a rose, he's here for a relationship!  Confident, direct, looks her in the eye.  Not exactly memorable though.
Score: 5

Robby: Says something about wandering the streets for weeks, drinks wine from a bottle. I'm not sure what his deal is.
Score: 4.5

Alex: Says "you look great, I'm nervous."
Score: 3

Will: The Civil Engineer goes for comedy, attempting a mixed up notecard gag.  It's original, but everyone knows that engineers are not funny.
Score: 3

Chad: Goes for a double hand hold, stare into the eyes move.  He then stumbles over his words before saying "I'm looking forward to taking this ride with you." This guy sucks.
Score: 1.5

Daniel: Goes for an internet meme that involves his name. The only people over 25 who get that spend way too much time on the internet (i.e. me) or watch Ellen (i.e. also me). Straight up eye-humps her as he talks to her.  This is our creepy guy.
Score: 2

Ali: Gets the super optimistic rom-com music as he gushes over her looks.  Seems genuine though
Score: 4.5

James Taylor: Sings a song on his guitar, absolutely kills it.  I like this guy.
Score: 8.5

Jonathan: A half Scot-half Chinese dude from Canada.  Goes for the "half Scot below the waist" gag.  JoJo either doesn't get it, or wants him to flat out say "I have a huge Scottish penis on my tiny Chinese body."  Nothing about this goes well, but he's memorable.
Score: 4

A quick break while we get a scene of kilted Jonathan walking in and all the guys (particularly his fellow Canadian Daniel) basically giving him the stink eye and telling him he's an idiot for wearing something that very well could be meaningful to him.  I don't think the guy has a chance in hell, but it's not because he's wearing a kilt.  These bros are not very inclusive, and I hate most of them already just because of this.

Saint Nick: Not entirely sure if this guy is an actual contestant or what.  Gives her a gift.
Score: 5

Chase: Wears a fake mustache and says "I mustache you a question, but I'm going to shave it for later." *groan*
Score: 3.5

Jake: He's an architect. A landscape architect.  He's a gardener.
Score: Incomplete (literally all we got to see was him saying "I'm an architect.")


Sal: Gives her a couple of balls (blue, of course) and gives her permission to squeeze his balls if she gets stressed.  I'd absolutely love it if later on in this episode she just walks up and yanks on his scrotum.  Be the best moment of all time.
Score: 5

Coley: Real estate guy wants to take her off the market. Way too formulaic buddy.
Score: 1

At this point we get more of the guys who think that because they were in the first limo, they have some sort of seniority and get to pass judgement on all who come after them.  I hate these guys.  Robby is the worst.  Well...Daniel's the worst, but it's pretty obvious he's here to be terrible and is probably not going to survive the night.  So Robby is the worst, because  we're going to have to see a lot more of this arrogant swimmer.

Brandon: A total slacker bro who tries the "I don't even know who you are" approach.  This approach will work great on some girls, and on others it'll piss them off.  I'd guess Jojo is more the former, but we'll see.
Score: 4

Nick: Does the splits and then kinda dances with her.  Kisses her hand.
Score: 5

Vinny: Prepared a toast.  A piece of toast.  GTFO Vinny.  You did not have a toaster in the limo, and I refuse to believe you toasted that shit at the Holiday Inn continental breakfast this morning and have been carrying around ever since.  Your toast means you're toast.
Score: 2

Peter: Gives her a giant heart and says he wants to be her "man crush Monday." Nobody over the age of 22 is doing #mcm dude.
Score: 1.5

Evan: Goes straight to "God Bless America" with his eyes closed...calls her "girly."
Score: -2

Wells: Brings an a capella group, but doesn't sing with them.  He hired some dudes to make an impression for him. I think this is terrible, like pronouncing to the world that you have no talent, but you know some dudes who are that will show that talent on your behalf if you pay them. Shockingly, everyone seems to think this was a brilliant move.
Score: 6

Christian: Our biracial crossfitting sibling raising telecom consultant shows up on his motorcycle and I swear JoJo almost lost her underwear when she heard the engine on that motorcycle.
Score: 7

Luke: Our living representation of Texas shows up on a horse unicorn.  He wants her to know Unicorns are real.  JoJo asks if he rides horses.  He responds "I'm from Texas," because every Texan rides horses.
Score: 6

Finally she comes inside.  We're treated to a montage of guys talking about how hot she is, Santa saying "jojojojo" like he's having a holly jolly orgasm, and some guy Freudian slipping and saying "breasts" instead of "dress."

Alex grabs her right off the bat, and of course everyone says "look at this douchebag talking to her first." I'd like to see an episode where nobody goes to talk to her because nobody wants to be "that guy." Once the seal has been broken though, we see guy after guy stammering and talking about how struck they are by her beauty.

Until we get to Aaron Jordan Rodgers.  Jordan kills it.  Talks to her like a normal person, doesn't talk about how gorgeous she is, asks her actual questions.  Jordan's the leader in the clubhouse so far.

Will, our civil engineer goofball, goes for the paper fortune teller move.  1000% the fortune under every paper flap was "you're about to get kissed." Jojo kisses him like the five year old he's acting like, and mercifully Jordan shows up an Crocodile Dundee's him.  Poor Will.  He got the kind of kiss a kindergarten teacher gives a kid with a skinned knee, and Jordan gets a kiss that leaves Jojo muttering "his butt....his butt...." over and over.

Wells apparently got the a cappella group for the whole night to follow him around and serenade Jojo. Wells sucks. Chad makes sure to mention that he's "financially" ready to take the next step of having a relationship with a girl.  Very "Pretty Woman" of him. Daniel continues to creep everyone out and tries to explain his terrible meme intro. This isn't going well for quite a few guys, but Daniel in particular, who then starts mentioning everything he's drank and poking people in the belly button and is speaking with more and more of a Canadian accent every night. Then the clothes come off and he's in the pool.  Dancing Nick is also super drunk and brings her glass of water while she's talking to the cameras. Vinny, not to be outdone, follows him in there and says "I will never let you beg for my love on a bathroom floor."  I hope being drunk is fun as hell, because these people look dumb as hell.

Ali the surfing bro plays the piano like he's giving a concert.  It always cracks me up when people with world class talent break that talent out on a first date. "Why don't you just sit there and watch me do this incredible thing and then tell me how awesome I am at doing this thing?" People are weird.

Jojo grabs the first impression rose, and it seems like it's a three horse race between Not-Aaron Rodgers, Singing James, or Texas Luke.  Not Aaron gets the rose, giving the rest of us hope that Aaron and Olivia Munn show up at some point this season.

Chad the overconfident douchebag is convinced that Jordan is a fraud, and can't wait to expose his fraudulence to Jojo, but he's not sweating that he didn't get the first impression rose, because he knows that Jojo's attracted to him and he's definitely going to be around tomorrow. Chad might be worse than Robby.  Can I just call them Chobby? Because they're pretty much the same.

Just before we get to the rose ceremony, another limo shows up! In it is maybe the worst non-Juan Pablo person to ever grace the Bachelor screen...Jake Pavelka.  This guy had the most awkward televised interview I can remember, and prompted one of his bachelor brethren to utter "I'm about to take a Jake and wipe my Pavelka!" which is still in the top ten moments in the history of the franchise in my opinion.

Jake is 38.  JoJo is 25.  Apparently they're good family friends.  Jojo says "he's like a brother" which is definitely not a good start Jake's time on the show.  Because of the age difference, I tend to get a little queasy when he says something like "for a long time...." because Jojo was 18 when he was a contestant the first time.  Turns out he's not here to bone Jojo, just to make sure she's open to getting boned by lots of guys and not focusing on just one.  Is this part of Jake's redemption tour?  That was awkward.

Mercifully, we get to the roses.
Safe: Not Aaron Rodgers, Texas Luke, Wells the talentless guy with talented friends,  Singing James, Firefighter Grant, Derek the anonymous, Crossfit Christian, arrogant Chad, Chase, Marine Alex, Robby the Douche (Chobby lives!), Slacker bro Brandon, Boxing James, Surfer bro Ali, Saint Nick, Goofy ass Will the engineer, James the fan, drunk Vinny, Evan the Boner Whisperer, and Drunk Daniel get roses.

WTF moment of the night: Daniel getting a rose.  This is a new trend in the Bachelorverse: the obviously insane person getting a rose and being kept around for no apparent reason other than to get people to watch.  We'll call this the Lace Morris Free Pass.

Stay tuned for future episodes where Chad maybe/probably kills someone and threatens the brother of the king of Wisconsin.  It's hard to piss off 'Sconnies, but this guy definitely found one way to do it.