Two weeks removed from Chad whistling in the woods like Omar through the streets of Baltimore, we're finally back, and the guys are having a funeral for The Chad. They chuck his protein powder off the deck and basically celebrate the fact he's gone....except he's not. Hilarity ensues as Evan, who looks like he has flecks of protein powder all over his shirt, says "I hope he's not here for his protein powder." Jordan says "now would be a great time for you to be genuinely sorry and make those of us moving on feel better." Jordan can't help himself. He should just walk away but instead he keeps rubbing it in Chad's face that Chad's going home and he's staying. Wimpy Evan, who would cross the street if he ever saw Chad coming down the sidewalk towards him, feels like a real tough guy when he's surrounded by the other guys dating the girl he wants, and says "you got your wallet? 'Cause you owe me a shirt." Evan, you owe me an apology for taking up screen time.
Chad finally leaves (more like a lamb than a lion), and the guys have some sort of rave/cupcake party to celebrate. This is weird.
At the cocktail party, JoJo cautions the guys that Chad's departure should let them know that she's serious about this process. Chase and JoJo bounce around in some balls, Robby feels like he's miles ahead of the other guys, which is weird, because America just logged on to abc.com to remember who he was. He gets a kiss though, and all the other guys see it. Hilariously, they just kind of sit there and sip their drinks and stare, avoiding eye contact with each other......almost like they're at a seedy strip club.
Some guy I don't recognize (James F.) wants to read JoJo a poem:
Her heart is like a treasure, her dream's not far away. And whenever she decides to had someone the key, that man should let her know and daily help her see the wonder that is her, the beauty that is she.
He claims he wrote this poem weeks ago for her and it's just something he couldn't keep to himself anymore. I just love the juxtaposition of a boxer writing poems.
Not to be outdone, Luke the Soldier lets her know how much faster his heart beats when he sees her. Tough guys show their soft side! AWWWWWWWWW.
Jordan's having none of it. He shows his horny side by shoving her in a corner and loving up on her. Evan's all mad that the guys are cutting in front of him....yet makes no attempt to remove himself from the bar. I hate it when this happens. There's literally nothing preventing you from interrupting someone or waiting outside the door to grab some time with her. In fact, I'm sure the producers would love it if you'd just barge in there and say "sorry bro, you know how it is!" I also love the guys starting to realize that there's a little Chad in all of them. Release the beast guys!
Jordan, Luke, and Alex have roses, and they're joined by Derek, Robby and Chase, who are all so similar they might as well be triplets. Wells, Grant, Vinny (seriously?), and James Taylor land roses, leaving James the Boxing Poet, Damn Daniel, and Evan (who says his heart is "on blast," which definitely doesn't mean what he thinks it means), to sweat out the final rose. In the end, it's Evan who was worried he didn't have enough time with her to make an impact. I think that's exactly why he won though....she hasn't had enough time to see how he's basically Captain America before he gets the super serum, only he's also got Ted Cruz's personality.
James the Boxing Poet learns that girls really don't like poetry as much as romantic comedies made him think they do, and he's shocked he's going home. Daniel says something incoherent, and that's that. JoJo lets the guys know they're "going international." Cue B-Legit and Too $hort!
Apparently they're going to some place in Uruguay....where "South America's super-elite go to play." You know the guys are saying "please let it be Monaco or Ibiza or some other place I've even heard of." I promise you not one of those guys could identify Uruguay on a map. I feel confident in this, because I couldn't identify Uruguay on a map. Had no clue it was on the coast. Could've sworn it was landlocked. Go figure.
Evan says they have a 360 degree view of the ocean. Didn't realize Uruguay was an island, idiot. Uruguay looks way more modern than I expected. Robby says The Grand Hotel is....Grand. Robby also would like you know that blue whales are blue, the Great Lakes are great, and that a harbor seal lives in a harbor. Jordan gets the one on one date, and the guys are pretty much like "screw that guy." Basically it's Jordan's fault that he played football and that the producers put him on two sports themed group dates. Jesus they need to get these guys something to do while they wait around. It's like they're so bored they have nothing better to do than hate on whomever isn't in the room at the time. I know...let's let them read a magazine! What's that? The only magazine they have is an In Touch mag with an exclusive interview with JoJo's ex that says he was hooking up with her the entire time she was filming the Bachelor? DRAMA. Of course these super secure, manly guys are going to shrug this off as a dude who is a little bitter that his super hot ex girlfriend is a household name looking to get a little fame of his own, right? I suppose that might happen.....right after Evan leaves the show to track Chad down for his $20 for his shirt. This is about HONOR.
Back on the one-on-one, JoJo knows a girl that dated Jordan, and heard he was a shitty boyfriend. After making out with him for a while, she suddenly decides it's time to confront Jordan about his past relationships. JoJo's like "you weren't a great boyfriend" and Jordan's like "yeah, well that was then, and I'm different now." JoJo says "did you cheat?" and Jordan says "No." and JoJo says "I wish I could read your mind," because apparently she doesn't understand the word "No." Clearly she doesn't believe him. Jordan says "if I cheated, it was emotionally." and all of a sudden JoJo's totally cool with everything. So....don't make out with any girls, but flirt all you want? I don't really understand what the purpose of this whole conversation was.
JoJo's still on Cloud 9 from her date with Jordan....until a producer slaps the magazine in front of her and says 'we need to address this...the guys have seen this." Jojo's response is perfect "My guys?!?!?" Holy crap lady....get over yourself. Also, these producers have no shame at all. JoJo goes to tell the guys that her ex is a bad person and the guys are like "this is a total non-issue, don't sweat it." OH MY GOD. Alex even has the audacity to talk about how crazy it is to talk about a relationship in a public forum. YOU'RE ON A REALITY SHOW! ALL ANYONE DOES IS TALK ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIPS. I'm so done with this season. Give me Chad or give me death.
The group date involves sand surfing, which really doesn't look like much fun. Thankfully the rain cuts this portion of the date over. Also, I bagged on Wells pretty hard on the first night, but he's definitely my favorite from here on out.
Redneck Vanilla Ice is wearing ripped jeans, a t-shirt, and a sport coat. He lets JoJo know he doesn't care what's in the magazines, he can look into her eyes and know he doesn't need outside validation. Not sure what that means, but he gets a kiss. James Taylor believes she's there for the right reasons. He gets a kiss. Wells doesn't want to dwell on the past or talk about people named Chad anymore. He gets a kiss. Derek breaks rank and starts whining about how he's having trouble seeing her hook up with other guys. He's having the classic "I got the first one on one and now I'm not getting any attention." moment. Altruistic Alex says "I think everyone thinks Derek is a nice guy, but I don't like him." Well I know Alex is a moron, but I don't like him. Take that, you tiny douche. JoJo also is not on the same page as Alex, as Derek gets the rose
Robby gets the date, and that gives us a good time for our first "Bachelorette Math" segment! Jordan says "with Derek getting a rose, if Robby gets a rose, and I already have a rose....there might be only five or six roses on that table guys!" I'll bet these guys minds are blown when they play musical chairs at family reunions. Wait....you're taking another chair away? But....you just took one away last round! This is WAY TOO FAST!"
Also, I don't know if I'm paying more attention than in the past, or if my eyes have been opened to the editing that happens on this show, but the alleged conversation where Alex confronts Derek about playing the pity card was so chopped up and awkward that there's no way it went down any way near how they portrayed it. What is indisputable though is that Alex is sitting cross legged in a chair wearing a zip up sweatshirt with no shirt underneath, sipping a drink and saying thinks like "oh yeah. We done." Alex is awful.
Robby uses his dinner date time to say that his best friend drove off a bridge, and because of that, he quit his job, moved, and just HAS to tell JoJo he loves her. JoJo's response is "Thank you." Under normal circumstances, that's the kiss of death. Instead, Robby gives us some mumbo jumbo about love being a magical force that pulls two people together and he just KNOWS he wouldn't be feeling as strongly as he did if she didn't feel it at least a little bit too. This sounds like a good excuse for me to use when I decide to go out to lunch with the intentions of getting a somewhat healthy sandwich and end up driving right past Pita Pit and pulling into the drive thru at McDonalds. "I really have no choice. That double quarter pounder loves me so much, I can't resist it." Then there's fireworks. Robby's had the best day of his life. JoJo's like "I totally did this exact same thing Tuesday with Jordan, so......"
Time for a rose ceremony at a rainy horse ranch. Derek mans up and calls the guys to task for calling his rose a pity rose. For whatever reason, this rankles the guys...because he's doing this on a rose ceremony night. JOJO ISN'T EVEN THERE YET. My man Wells is the only one who seems to think that Derek should be commended for addressing it directly. Alex can't believe he brought up this "petty bullcrap." Didn't Alex bring this up like the night before? Wasn't petty then, was it dude?
Of course, all this is rendered moot when Harrison arrives to tell the guys that there won't be a cocktail party. My newest theory is that they shoot Harrison telling the guys there won't be a cocktail party every week, regardless if there is going to be one or not. Then they have the cocktail party anyways, and just cut it out if the episode can survive without it. There's no way they rent out these elaborate venues and then don't use them, right?
So three guys are going home. My prediction is Evan, James Taylor, and Vinny are going home, but we'll see. I was wrong....James Taylor got the rose and firefighter Grant heads home, removing the last non-white person from the show. Forgot about the Aryan factor! Rookie mistake. I'll take solace in the fact that Evan is gone from my TV a month or so...until the men tell all when he'll ask Chad for $20 again, then probably be announced as a contestant on Bachelor in Paradise.
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