Bachelor Week 4: A Lasselle Brothers Collaboration

For the first time ever, we have a guest blogger in the Snacks Tracks House.  Grant Lasselle, a comedian in his own mind, is here to join us.  I'll be posting his comments along with my own tonight.  For those of you not familiar with my brother, we are a little different.  While we're both funny, his comments are slightly more biting.  So my apologies to Tierra, Sarah's stub and the rest of the gang...it's about to get real.

...And we're off.  The show starts without Sean's pecs!  We start with the ladies.  Chris is busy stroking the ladies egos by telling them Sean sees the process working and that his wife is in the room.  Bummer for him, as he's gotta lead on 16 other women.  Oh there's his torso...and his legs.  Good god, now he's wearing underwear only?  Atta way Sean.

Selma gets the first date, and Robyn is already losing it.  She wants Sean to know she has a heart.  Grant says "is she the tin man?   I think he knows she has a heart."  We're still debating who is Lindsey and who is Lesley.  Selma and Sean are holding hands in the car, and she asks Sean if he can handle all 110 lbs.  Grant immediately calls her on her humblebrag of her weight.  He also calls BS, as she has 110 lbs. in her bra alone.  Zing!  Told ya it was going to be a different kind of humor tonight!

It's private plane time, which I guess is better than another helicopter.  Their conversation is not very exciting.  In fact, Selma's just downright annoying.  "We're going to travel like this all the time, right?"  Oh Selma, don't fall in love with ABC's money!  Joke's on her though, because they aren't going anywhere glamorous - they're in the desert.  "Oh sure, he takes the Iraqi to the desert" she deadpans.  If she was as adept at playing the race card as Robyn or the handless card as Sarah, she'd have been able to pull a trip to Alaska or something.  All you gotta do is complain about how the world is against you, and boom!  You get a rose.

Oh, they're rock climbing.  Selma seems non-plussed.  "Good thing he didn't take Sarah - she'd need a hand," Grant quips. As they continue to climb, Sean, who is trailing Selma up the rock, says "you look great in that helmet."  From the angle he had, he couldn't even see her helmet.  Basically he just said "your ass looks awesome when you have a helmet on your head."  Selma, for someone who seemed pretty uncool with the whole rock climbing thing, is destroying this rock.  She's got a bit of a potty mouth when she's sweating.  "Holy freaking hell!" and "I can't believe we just f*cking did this" come out of her mouth.  Such a lady.

Dinner time.  They're eating in a trailer park.  "I'll bet she thought we were going to a fancy hotel," Sean says slyly.  Again with the lame pranks - "Surprise, romantic trailer park!  Ha ha you got punked!"  Sean says he really wants to kiss this girl, and he "gets the vibe she really wants to kiss him too."  What tipped you off?  The fact that she's laying on your chest looking up at you with lips that look like she got stung with a bee?  Joke's on Sean instead, as Selma goes into a "I was born in Baghdad, and I was raised a Muslim, so kissing someone on national television is a big no no" monologue. Selma Hussein wants to kiss him, but uses the "it's against my religion and my family hates me for being on this show" excuse.  I think Sean looks like he needs a cold shower. Grant says "he's going to go beat it in an AirStream."  Selma gets the rose because Sean doesn't want to look insensitive.  Sean's like the affirmative action king - he's appeasing the handicapped, African Americans and now Muslims with his choices.  At some point he's going to cut one of these people, and we'll get to hear how unfair it is.  Should've just ended it early Sean.  Will he really propose to a girl he can't kiss?  He may be sincere, but I doubt it.

Group date time!  The girls are all in workout gear.  The date card said to "roll with the punches." Lindsay (at least I think it was Lindsay) says "I think we're going to be rolling down a hill in a giant hamster ball."  Naturally.  Sarah says "I don't think having one arm is going to hold me back today."  If they're throwing punches, she's going to have punch twice as fast though.  Good luck girl.  Roller Derby!  This should be good, and judging by the girls skating skills, it's going to be great.  And by great, I mean awful.  Amanda, in a stroke of genius, tells the other team she's a roller derby pro.

You know who's not a roller derby pro?  Sarah!  She's falling all over the place.  "My body works in different ways.  I can't break my fall and I wish I was normal," she cries.  Sean, defender of the disadvantaged, tells Sarah "if you don't want to do it, screw it, just hang out with me."  She decides to show how tough she is by strapping the helmet back on and rolling around the track at the lowest possible speed.  Grant throws in a basketball reference - "As Mark Jackson would say 'hand down, man down.'"  Amanda's still trying to psych out the other girls, and instead wipes out and cracks her face on the ground.  For the second straight episode, someone allegedly takes a hard fall, and ABC doesn't have cameras on it.  I'm starting to doubt either tumble even actually happened.  Amanda goes to the hospital with a jaw bruise, but Tierra is able to escape a neck brace and potential concussion?  I'm confused.  Sean overreacts like Roger Goodell and immediately cancels all contact drills.  It's a free skate!  In one very literal conversation, Sean says to a girl "you're skating backwards while looking at me!"  Yes, yes she is.  Apparently he's trying to appease the blind community as well.  Sean says that "today was rough for the girls.  I don't think they were prepared for the physicality of roller derby, but they embraced it."  How?  How did they embrace it?  They all looked like they hated being there.

Sean pulls Sarah away.  Grant has started saying "because you have one arm" after every sentence Sean says to Sarah.  For example "I'm so impressed with the job you did today (because you have one arm)."  Amanda shows up, and guess what, she's fine!  She laughs and immediately grabs her jaw and says "owww."  She freely admits she's milking it.  Sean falls for it hook line and sinker.  "oh let me kiss your boo-boo."  Ugh.

Robyn asks Ashley and Sarah what happened with Amanda, and Tierra flips out like Robyn ignored her intentionally.  She then says that she's fustrated.  No r.  She's fustrated.  Tierra says she's focusing on Sean and their relationship.  She then does the exact opposite and starts railing about how fake the other girls are and says she wants to leave.  She's tromping around looking for Sean, crying about how she's being tortured.  Grant says "she's torturing us."  Lesley Lindsey is making out with Sean and goes for the "wanna join me in the hot tub?" gambit.  I'm amazed she's going to get that much one on one time on  a group date, but ok.  Unfortunately, Tierra is lurking like a troll in the corner waiting to pounce as soon as Sean comes out of the room.  Lesley Lindsey is forced to tromp back upstairs to the other girls in a dry bikini.  The girls are initially pissed that she's cavorting around in a bikini, but they focus that anger on Tierra as soon as they realize who he's talking to.

Tierra lays her sob story on Sean, and of course, the most sincere bachelor ever EATS IT UP LIKE A PROTEIN SHAKE.  Ladies, if you want a date with Sean, just send him a tweet telling him how you have cancer/your dog just died/ you lost your job/ the stylist cut your hair too short/ Dennys overcooked your Moons over My Hammy.  He'll throw you a bone.  Or in Tierra's case a rose.  In an attempt to please one girl, he angered 10 others.  Although, in typical girl fashion, they all blame Tierra for his actions, more mad at her for manipulating him than at him for being manipulated.

Time for black Lindsey Lesley Black Leslie's date.  Turns out she's the hugest dork ever.  Grant also comments that she "has a mouth like a pit bull."  It sounds ridiculous, but I get what he's saying - when it's closed, it looks normal, but once it opens, it expands to surprisingly large proportions.  It looks like her smile literally goes from ear to ear.  Grant wants to ask her "WHY SO SERIOUS?"  Sean says that everyone likes to talk about the movie Pretty Woman - where Richard Gere buys Julia Roberts whatever she wants.  Grant and I both noted that he left out the part where he expects sex on the back end.  Sean says that Leslie's dress matches her smile - Grant says "he just called her dress ENORMOUS.  What's he gonna do next, give her a collar?"  Yes, yes he is.  He wraps a rented necklace around her neck and she acts like it's the most romantic gesture ever.  It's not his, he's not giving it to you, and you don't get to keep it.  I just asked Rachel what her reaction would be if I said "hey for our date tonight I rented you a sparkly necklace!" and she looked at me like I just asked her if she wanted to go see "Mama."

"Holy Moly!"  Leslie drops her catch phrase, again.  Sean says she looks stunning between the necklace, dress, and shoes.  So, the pretty things about her are the rented stuff that she's gotta give back?  Sean says "after this romantic date, if the feeling isn't there with Leslie, it never will be."  So basically he's tried to spruce her up as much as possible, and it's still not working. You can put lipstick on a pig Sean..... Leslie says her parents got divorced, and because of that she doesn't want to settle.  I wonder which one of her parents she thinks settled.  These are the questions I want answers to.

Back at the house, the girls have taken their makeup off, and they just aren't as pretty.  I'm looking at you, Selma.  In the editing, how many times did they stop rock climbing to re-apply a fresh coat?  Yikes.  They're 50/50 on Leslie coming back.  She gets the boot, and Sean withholds the rose.  He then tries to make it better by saying "I wanted it to be there, so bad."  I'm not sure that makes it any better, as it just basically is a fancy way of saying "I feel nothing for you."  Leslie suffers a final insult, as she has to stand there as Sean takes the necklace off her.  Not wanting to go down without a swing, Lesley tells Sean there's some girls that "aren't there for the right reasons."  Sean has to go back and listen to Ben Taylor serenade him alone.  Who is Ben Taylor?  Nobody knows, but Grant says "I think he's one of those guys Brian Gjurgevich listens to." Cue solitary rose falling in slow motion from high place.

Time for a cocktail party!  Tierra masters the obvious by telling us that "in order for me to win, there need to be less girls here."  Sean has a future as a politician as he tells nearly every girl "I'm always thinking about you even if I don't get time with you, and I love your confidence and your strength."  Robyn gets her time and breaks out her best pick-up line...."do you like chocolate?  do you like the taste of chocolate?  do you want to taste the chocolate?  What chocolate do you want to taste?"  If that's her best pick-up line, I really want to what she decided NOT to use.

Tierra thinks Robyn attacked her by not saying her name.  She calls Robyn and Jackie (who?) aside, and says she wants to apologize.  Didn't see that one coming.  She then apologizes by saying "you attacked me and it wasn't fair, and you shouldn't focus on what I'm doing."  So, I don't think she knows what the definition of apology is.  For whatever reason, both girls accept her non-apology.  Tierra then continues her "Lies Galore!" tour by telling Sean that she's not a drama person and that she doesn't get involved in petty stuff.  "The other girls can't handle me being who I am."  What does that even mean?

Catherine wins the "straight to the point" award by saying "I've been thinking about you a lot.  I'm really attracted to you."  The direct approach works, she doesn't bring up another girl at any point and boom - she gets a big-time outdoor make-out session.  Catherine rocketed up my list of favorites tonight.  Tierra's talking a big game, which is easy to do when you already have a rose.

Sean's ready to send some "ladies" packing.  He reminds the girls how sincere he is, and how his feelings are real before he breaks some girl's heart.  It won't be Catherine, as she gets the first rose.  Desiree, who didn't have a date this week, gets the next one.  Grant says Des reminds him of Katie Holmes, in that they're both attracted to gay men.  Well played Grant.  Lesley/Lindsey both get roses, and I'm still a little fuzzy on which one is which.  Robyn sticks around because of the "only one minority can leave an epsiode" rule.  AshLee gets to stick around.  So does Sarah, and Jackie, the attractive redhead who we know nothing about.  Now we're down to Amanda the Manipulator and Daniella the Ice Queen.  Amanda takes it on the chin for the second time tonight, as Sean sends her home.  Chris Harrison then reminds Amanda that she's the only person who didn't get a rose and that she needs to  say her goodbyes and leave.  Her exit is cold but cordial.  At least at first, but then she talks about heartbreak as being a "difficult emotion."  Grant states that "I think she thinks heartbreak is when you buy a new shirt and get ketchup on it."  Well said Grant.  Thanks for coming down buddy!

Bachelor: Week 3

Week 3 already....Sean's got some good ones (Kristy the model, AshLee the Organizer) and some bad ones (Taryn the insecure, Sarah the self conscious) and quite a few irrelevant ones.  After a day home with the kids, this seems like the perfect "adult" conclusion to the night.  Tonight it looks like we get some lengthy kissing, bikini volleyball, and neck injuries!!  Let's get it on!

Sean's still working out - is he  the first bachelor/ette in history to exercise?  He also says one week in that he's "really diggin' on a lot of women."  As it should be man....16 women keep telling you how amazing you are - you should be loving it.

Robyn really wants that date card.  She wants the date card to say "let's ditch these bitches and fall in love for real."  This is a woman who called Tierra a "trashy ho" last week.  From now on Robyn's new nickname is "Pot" since she seems to like calling kettles black.  And no Robyn, if you're reading this, I chose that nickname because of the saying, not because you're black, though it makes it just about perfect.

Lesley gets the first one-on-one, and takes her to the Guiness Book of World Records Museum.  Kind of a weird place for a date, but turns out Sean's dad holds a world record for driving all of the 48 contiguous states in under 100 hours, which is just insane.  Now the date goes from weird to cool. Then it goes from cool to corny when Chris informs the couple that they'll be breaking the record for longest on screen kiss.  So she's going from getting shut  down trying to drunkenly kiss him in a wedding dress to being forced to kiss him in front of a hundred or so people on one of the scummiest streets in the country.  I stayed in a hotel just off Hollywood Boulevard a few months ago, and it was full of drugged out youths barefoot and singing as they strolled in and out of people in half assed celebrity costumes.  So romantic.

Chris introduces a very stuffy British dude who gives us the official rules while holding a copy of the current edition of the Guiness Book of World Records.  Is that like their bible?  Do you have to hold your right hand on it while you kiss?  Sheesh.  This kiss is not passionate at all.  It's like they're stuck to each other.  They're trying to make it passionate, Lesley playing with his hair, Sean playing with her butt.  Also, Lesley's dress is kinda short, and she has to raise her arms up to reach Sean, pulling it dangerously close to giving some dude in the front row a free show.  Sean says "Lesley's a great kisser," which is bullshit since she just smashed her face against his.  She did "work her hands," which makes her a great hand mover in my opinion.  Barack Obama's reaction to this kiss was a little different than his brother-in-law's:

Sorry, I had to work that in somehow.  I mean, look at Coach Robinson's face!!

Time for the rooftop dinner.  They're on top of the famous Roosevelt Hotel.  Sean toasts her by saying "here's to setting records with the only girl I want to set records with," which is complete crap and something he can't back up at all, but of course she likes it.  I'm a little confused as to why Lesley doesn't look at Sean while they're talking.  She's looking everywhere else.  I'm not sure the chemistry is really there. She admits that Sean makes her nervous, which she thinks probably is good, but when there's going to be five or six girls that aren't nervous to be around him, she might have her work cut out for her.  Sean, apparently not thinking like I am, says that he likes the fact that she's nervous.  He then says she made him nervous right out of the limo in her wedding dress.  She apologizes, and then Sean says he had to "take the power back."  He then challenges her to "take it back again," which of course is his way of saying 'you should kiss me right now."  She of course obliges, and then says "how is that for taking the power back?"  She's an idiot, because she still has no power.  He walked her right down the primrose path.  Taking the power back would've been to NOT kiss him.  In a shocking twist, ABC opts not for fireworks, but for confetti.  Budget smaller this year or what?

Meanwhile, back at the house the group date card has arrived.  Most of the major players are going, Sarah's left home to wonder if her missing hand has anything to do with her not getting a date card along with AshLee the Organizer.  AshLee says that she's glad she's not going on the group date because it sounds like it could be some sort of activity, and she'd prefer to do something romantic with him.  Translation:  I'm clumsy as hell.  Either that, or she can't handle the pressures that group dates can bring, and therefore is relieved that she won't end up a wallflower.

Beach time!  All the girls are frolicking in their bikini's, ogling Shirtless Sean.  Then Chris Harrison shows up, which prompts Kacie B to say "you know when Chris shows up, the fun's going to end for someone."  I wonder if his ex-wife just said "TRUE DAT, GIRLFRIEND!' as she bitterly poured herself another glass of wine.  Time for some beach volleyball - losing team has to ride the bus home.  We saw this bit with some baseball in Ben's season, where Blakely dominated, yet her team sucked and lost and she bitched out everyone in the dugout.  We won't have that issue here, because these girls are AWFUL.  Pretty much whoever gets it over the net is going to win.  One of the girls calls it the "biggest game of her life."  Yipes.  Blue team gets the win, sending Kristy the Model into tears.  She blames herself for the loss, then says something about letting the rest of her team down.  In the reject van, there's lots of tears in the reject van.  It got dark in a hurry there didn't it?  The sun was out when they got in the van, and they're still driving in the dark?  Man those girls must be pissed if ABC made them sit in the parking lot at the beach in their bikinis for a couple hours waiting for the sun to go down.  No wonder they're crying.

Back with the winners, Desiree is gloating that the other girls are probably back home crying in their beds...which they probably would be if ABC hadn't made the circle the parking lot for six hours.  Kristy is taking this extremely hard, talking about how exhausting it is to work for time with Sean.  Sean is the master of the compliment, telling one girl "I haven't seen this side of you yet," which sends her heart aflutter, then telling Desiree that she looked so beautiful in her "little bikini" and complimenting her "confidence."  Of course he left out the fact that the 11 other girls looked good in their bikini's as well.

AshLee gets her wish, getting the final one on one date, though Tierra plays a little joke and pretends Selma's name is on the date card too.  Brief panic shoots through the room, before Tierra laughs and says it's just a joke.  Girls hate it, mostly because they fell for it.  The mark of a quality prank is one that catches everyone off guard.  Points for Tierra, although from the previews it looks like Karma is going to shove her jokey ass down a flight of stairs.

Amanda, she of the cold shoulder to the girls and megawatt smile to Sean, gloats that she's killing it with Sean.  The women don't love it, and Kacie B. again takes it upon herself to inform Sean of the dynamics between the women.  Kacie, Kacie, Kacie.  You did this on Ben's season with regards to Courtney and that didn't work out for you at all.  Sean rightly calls her on this, and tells her to "be Kacie, not a crazy person."  Kacie suddenly thinks this plan isn't going to work and now she's freaking out.  I swear to God I wonder what the hell is wrong with her.  I constantly yell at people who go on this show, wondering why they don't do their research and learn from previous seasons.  Yet Kacie was ON THE SHOW and is making the same mistakes again.  I'm done with her.  She deserves to go back home to Tennessee alone.  Again.  Oh, and Lesley gets the rose for showing Sean "another side of her."  Everyone has another side, or a deeper side, or needs to let people in.  We get it.  I'm getting cranky.  Maybe I should've waited until tomorrow to watch this, instead of trying to get into it at 10:00 because the kids wouldn't go to sleep.

AshLee thinks this is the most perfect day and nothing will go wrong.  Cue Tierra tumbling down the stairs like Meryl Streep in Death Becomes Her.  Sean walks in and says "she might have a concussion."  I'm about to wonder what prompted him to think that, when he divulges "I've had many concussions."  Well that explains a lot.  Tierra insists she's fine, yet six medical personnel are basically strapping her to a gurney.  AshLee thinks this is an intentional ploy by Tierra to get time with Sean.  Personally, I think she just fell down the stairs and took a few moments to gather herself.  I'm not an expert on EMT policy, but I think if she was seriously injured, or they suspected she was seriously injured, there's no freaking way they'd let her casually waltz out to the balcony to flirt with Sean.  So basically the neck brace was just for show.  Now did she create this drama herself?  I don't think she did it intentionally.  I think she slipped and fell down the stairs, then when everyone around her overreacted, she played along until it got way out of hand and she said "you know what?  Enough."  I honestly don't think she's smart enough to hatch a plot like that to derail AshLee's date.  At least not by herself.  ABC might've given her a little "push." AshLee is really pouting and whining about Tierra liking to play the victim.  She might get the nickname "Lil' Pot" for that outburst.  Stop whining, you're still going to get your time.  Apparently I'm still cranky, might be time for a Pepsi.

Sean, says "there's nobody else he'd rathe have on this date."  Obviously, since you picked her to go on the date, then tailored it to her.  Off to an amusement park, which seems way too fun for a personal organizer who doesn't seem like she appreciates chaos at all.  In another move that's sure to rankle her, he's invited some chronically ill girls.  The girls apparently have never met each other, but the lady from the chronically ill children's charity calls them "lifelong friends who have known each other online only  for a year."  Maybe next date they can bring along Manti Te'o and Lennay Kekua.  Had to go there.

AshLee actually seems to be handling the diverted attention on this date rather well, for someone who was pissed she had to share her morning with a girl who fell down the stairs.  She's moved to tears by their friendship.  Or is it the soulful music of the Eli Young Band?  Gotta love those private concerts.  We may never know.

After the sick girls go home, Sean says "we had the best day today!  Can you imagine a better day?" AshLee emphatically says "no," but Sean looks away and halfheartedly says "me neither!"  Way to sell it Sean.  He then asks AshLee what she sees her family looking like in the future and she says "I definitely want to have as many kids......as my husband and I decide."  I really wish I knew how she wanted to finish that sentence before she got worried she'd scare the shit out of Sean.  My best guesses:

.......as my uterus will allow.
.......as my husband can afford.
.......as the state will let me keep.
.......as the Duggers.

ok, moving on.  Turns out she was abused by a foster family.  "Isn't that crazy?" she quips.  I know that's the first thing I think about child abuse - it's just crazy man.  Rachel and I got a good laugh out of that one.  Fortunately she found a good adoptive family that love her, and she's developed into a beautiful, successful, crying mess.  As a professional organizer, she needs to get her emotions organized in a hurry, because she's stressing me out.  Good luck, Sean!

Rose ceremony time! Sean developed some strong relationships, which probably made the girls who didn't get time start to panic, but Sean says "his heart's still open."  Sean wants to make Sarah feel confident in her place with him, so he has a surprise for her.  A limo shows up, and Sarah starts gripping that he's sending her home, frantically saying "you can't do this to me!"  Don't worry, he's not sending you home, he's delivering your dog!  To reiterate, he brought a girl, one of sixteen he's currently dating, her dog in a limo.  My first thought was  that if she had  two hands her dog would still be at home.

Tierra's flirting with him, but Desiree jumps in.  Tierra's pissed off, claiming she wants to punch some walls.  So she steals him back, but Sean promises to come back to Des, who in turn vows to wait for him "right here."  The girls now smell the blood in the water, and they all start stealing Sean like he's second base and they're Rickey Henderson.  Poor Des is forgotten, sitting forlornly on a little bench.  Kacie B shows up in a dress that looks like she's got a match with Serena Williams at the Australian Open later...what is up with that neon green zipper?  She tries to smooth things out with Sean, but not one but TWO girls steal him away.  That is what we call a "double steal."  Mercifully, Chris Harrison shows up to set the circus down.  Let's find out who's going home already!

Sean can't let the drama die, he has to lead Kacie outside to finish their conversation.  He takes a rose with him, but then cruelly doesn't give it to her.  That was just mean, ABC.  She's done.  She handles it much better than she did the last time, so congrats to her.

Tierra, Lesley H., Katherine (who?), Daniella (who just looks mean to me), Robyn (aka Pot), Selma, Sarah, Jackie (again, who?), Two-Faced Amanda all get Roses.  Desiree, Model Kristy, and the Oregon girl are left.  Des gets it, again knocking out my favorite early on.  I feel this is a good thing, since it means I don't have very much at common with the bachelor at all.  I hope he didn't send her home because she sucked at volleyball.  But then again, she was historically bad.

Tune in next week, when Tierra equates a stint on The Bachelor to being locked up in Guantanamo Bay, or something like that.  Ugh.

Catfishin' in the Dark

Rough week for superstar athletes.  Lance Armstrong had to go sit on Oprah's couch to tell the American public what we already knew.  Manti Te'o had to admit that his dead girlfriend wasn't real.

Let me say this again.  The guy who finished second in the Heisman Trophy balloting, the highest ever for a defensive player, had to admit that his girlfriend was made up.  By comparison, the guy who won the Heisman Trophy, Johnny Manziel, is dressing up like Scooby Doo and partying with girls in their underwear.  Google it. It happened.  So how is it, in a time where we glorify athletes, entertainers, and even the children of famous people for not other reason than they're pretty, that a guy has to make up a girlfriend?

The answer is that he doesn't.  I don't think Te'o was a part of this whole hoax from the get-go.  He may have become a part of the hoax later, but no way was he in on it from the jump.  I think he was an 18 year old that got hooked by a pretty picture and some flirty words on the internet.  That I can buy.  Mostly because it happens to people all the time.

Thinking back to when I was in college, I spent a lot of time online.  This seems pretty universal amongst college kids these days.  In my day, it was AIM (AOL Instant Messenger), and from there college age kids migrated to MySpace, Facebook, and now Twitter.  These places are basically online night clubs where you don't have to worry about getting slipped a roofie while you look for a suitable mate.  I know that I had much more luck with the ladies online than I did in person.  Heck, I initially met my wife online.  Much as I wish it weren't true, I'm much more interesting when I'm typing than when I'm sitting in a room with someone. Thankfully, I've never had to lie about myself online to seem interesting, but it'd be so easy to do.  And a lot of people are willing to believe anything you say, especially if you're pretty.  Because we WANT the things pretty people say to us to be true.  I remember one girl I talked to online who went by the name blueeyedgirl16 or something like that, sent me a picture of an absolutely phenomenal looking girl.  I knew deep down she was probably lying.  Heck, after a week or two of chatting infrequently with her, I was pretty bored with everything she had to say.  And yet I continued to talk to her for months just on the off chance that she was being straight up with me.  When you're in your teens, you just don't get the chance to talk to drop dead gorgeous people that often, so you're willing to stretch the limits of common sense and reason for that chance.  One time I drove nine hours to spend my spring break with a girl I'd met in person once because she was attractive and had seemed interested in me.  That did not turn out well, and in hindsight it was pretty foolish to jump all in like that.  However, she hooked me.

So Manti Te'o got hooked.  He started an online friendship.  I can believe that.  It's a stretch, but I'll even go along with the fact that he started to think of her as his girlfriend.  What I won't buy is that he maintained that she was his girlfriend for FOUR YEARS without ever meeting in person.  I never thought of Rachel as my girlfriend until we met in person and I could confirm for myself that she was exactly the person I'd gotten to know online.  Prior to her moving to Seattle and giving us a chance to meet in person and really get to know each other, had I met a girl that I really, really liked it, it would've seriously curbed the amount of time I spent talking to Rachel online.  100% certain of that.  This is where Manti's story starts to get pretty shady.  I'm convinced he realized at some point that the girl he was talking to online wasn't who she said she was.  Only problem was that he was MANTI F'ING TE'O, middle linebacker for NOTRE F'ING DAME.  That guy is not supposed to fall for a girl he's never met in person, who it turns out is some dude named Ronaiah.  So what does he do?  He goes along with it.  He lies.

Athletes lie all the time.  They cheat and say they didn't.  They fudge résumés to get coaching jobs.  The lie about their ages to seem more appealing to college or pro scouts.  Schools lie about a player's test scores to get them eligible.  All of these things happen.  Manti Te'o is not the first athlete to lie, nor will he be the last.  I'm not going to vilify him for that.  But here's the thing...your lie has to be believable.  And on the surface, his lie about a dead girlfriend was believable.  We all bought it.  I never heard a single person say "something's fishy about this dead girlfriend thing."  It had one of those "if you took this story to Hollywood, they'd reject it because nobody would believe it" quality to it.  Except, of course, the part about how we ALL believed it.

Looking back, it's easy to see some things that don't make sense.  If you haven't read the transcript of Sports Illustrated's Pete Thamel's interview with T'eo, you should.  Knowing now that his girlfriend never existed, his comments are just mind blowing.  I find it hard to believe the things Manti told the reporter.  At one point during the interview, he maps out everything that happened to her in the hospital.  She flatlined twice.  They were close to pulling the plug, and at the last moment a doctor says he'd like to try an experimental treatment that works.  I'd say that it sounds over the top even for Gray's Anatomy, but this is a show where Izzy HAD SEX WITH A GHOST. And yet the reporter believed enough of it to run a story about all of this in one of the most respected sports magazines in the country.  It's mind boggling.  But that's the power of Notre Dame college football.  Because of who he was, because of the sport he played, because of the school he played that sport at, he was believed.  Heck, the reporter even says in the transcript that "this is unbelievable."

So I get that Manti got fooled.  But why did they kill off the girlfriend?  What's the payoff in ending the relationship like that?  If you're the scammer, what do you benefit from killing her off.  If you're Te'o, why don't you just say that you broke up with her?  None of it makes sense, and probably won't until Manti or the catfisher come forward.  People have any number of explanations, from "they wanted to make up a story to win the Heisman," to "Manti was gay and the fake girl profile was a way for his lover and him to have that relationship in public."  If it was about the Heisman, why did this start in 2009?  Who could've predicted then that he'd be a Heisman winner.  If it was the gay thing, why did they kill her off?  Maybe it's a combination of the two....he is gay, there's this fake online profile they've been using to converse, and then they realize that if his girlfriend were to "die" that his national profile would be raised to a level that might help him win the Heisman.  I don't know.  But I can't wait to find out.

Bachelor - Week 2

Time for Week 2 with Sean, the boring guy with an amazing body that tricks women into thinking he's got a personality.  I'm a little apprehensive about this season, because he's so straight forward and boring, and he seems to be looking for the same thing in a woman.  Good for him, bad for the viewing public.  I don't watch this show to see two nice people fall in love.  I pay to watch one guy try to make as many women as possible turn into jealous rage monsters.  Sean, to this point, doesn't seem to have that gene in his body.  That actually fits into my theory that he is the result of some Hitler-Era Germany science experiment to create an Aryan SuperHuman.  Lucky for him we won the war and were able to raise him in all his genetic supremacy without the genocidal thoughts.  Ok, onto the episode!

There's hummingbirds outside, and muscles inside!  Did they really just show him showering with his shorts on?  ABC has no shame.  Chris comes out and gives his weekly over the top peptalk to the girls where he says Sean is the "most sincere" bachelor they've ever had, and to prove his point he says that he "truly believes that Sean will get down on one knee a propose to one of you."  You know, like all those other less sincere bachelors have done.  Of course the girls eat it up.  Sarah - the first handi-capable contestant that I can remember, reminds us of her one-armed-ness twice in thirty seconds.  She also says "being different...makes me different," and "I don't think Sean will treat me different at all."  So, to recap, Sarah's different.  And how do you pick up a different girl?  Why, in a helicopter of course!  Kacie B. goes off on how "OF COURSE Sean couldn't show up in a normal mode of transportation," and one of the other girls says "Sarah gets Sean PLUS a helicopter?  Kinda studly, not gonna lie."  Isn't a helicopter kind of commonplace on this show?  What would be unique and special would be showing up in a Ford Focus and telling the girl "you drive."  We're 17 episodes in and these girls are still getting all twitterpated by helicopters?  Sarah then reminds us two more times that she is missing a limb, saying that guys find her unapproachable because she has one arm, and that her "ability to love someone is not affected by the number of hands" she has.  She goes on to say that Sean is showing her that he is the guy she thought he was by picking her for the first one on one.  Translation:  If I hadn't got the first date, it would've been because I had one arm, and who wants to date a FREAK? Again, it's dangerous territory to poke fun at someone different, but I'm trying not to treat her differently.  Sean then calls her missing arm "the elephant in the room," which seems strange that you'd relate her disability to the largest land mammal on Earth while trying to say that it's not a big deal.  Yeesh.

Oh look, we're repelling free falling off a building.  Sarah wants to show the whole world that it doesn't take two hands to be strapped up and lowered off a building.  Here's a few other things that can be dropped off of buildings:

Ok, so I wouldn't really drop a dog off a building, but you get the point.  Plus, a dog pilot is hilarious!

Sean asks her to trust him, as if he's going to be manning the ropes himself.  I think I've heard at least 10 "oh my gosh" comments so far, and they don't have the harnesses on.  A couple dozen more "oh my goshes" and we're off!  Here we go with the "Sean's amazing, he was with me the whole way and made me feel safe."  Sean's impressed with her as well and feels they've really "made a connection!"  Sounds like everyone's happy.  Is there a dinner portion to this date?  We'll find out after the break.

There absolutely is dinner, where we find out that it only takes one arm to hold a giant glass of wine.  Sarah tells a story about how she was denied the chance to go zip-lining because of a state law.  Somehow the point of this story is that her dad told her that she needs a man to help her get through times when she's treated differently.  Forget the fact that her dad basically told her that she as a woman isn't tough enough to weather these moments on her own, way to put the pressure on Sean!  "My daddy told me to find a big strong man to show me zip lining is possible, and poof here you are to jump off a building with me....you're the man my daddy told me about!"  It's going to be very, VERY, hard on her when she doesn't get a rose, and I'll bet that when that day comes, she mentions her missing limb.  I hope I'm wrong, but I see it coming.  Thankfully, that day is not today.  I've had enough of her insecurity for one day.

Group date is coming up next.  If you had Tierra in the "First to say that she's here for Sean and not to make friends with 12 other girls,"  pat yourself on the back.  My money would've been on the self confident model from Wisconsin.  Sean is waiting for the girls at some gigantic house, which of course the girls know isn't Sean's, but that doesn't prevent them from pretending it's his.  One girl calls him a prince and refers to all the girls his "princesses."  Looks like a photo shoot, and Model Kristy is FIRED UP.  Big Hair Yoga girl, who I don't remember at all from the first episode is already making vague "it's not fair to bring a model to a photo shoot!" comments.  Tierra is mocking the girls getting extensions, so of course the girls with extensions are mocking her.  Robyn goes so far as to call her a "tacky ho."  I'd say calling someone a "tacky ho" when she's sitting five feet away from you makes you a "tacky ho" yourself.  The girls get pissed when other girls get to kiss him, and Tierra's reiterating that she's here for Sean.  She borrows a line from Courtney a few seasons ago with the "all these other girls can go home now."  Model Kristy kills it, which of course means the other girls will discredit her win.  "You can have the cover shoot, I'll take Sean" and "I'm not here to play dress-up."  I still don't think she gets the rose, because she'll get penalized for being a professional.  Not her fault, but she was like a 1 seed against a bunch of 16 seeds....winning means nothing, but losing would've been HUGE.  Sean and Lesley have the first one on one time, and he wants to kiss her, but rather than go in for the kiss he sits back and lets her get so nervous that she starts small talking.  Sean claims this makes him like her more, but she's a little confused as to why he didn't go in for the kiss.  She decides enough is enough, and goes in for the kiss.  I think it's a good strategy, one of the few you'll see on this show.  Good for her.

Kacie B. is next up, and she uses the cliché "never in a million years" did I think I'd be here, then says it's only because of Sean, and then tells Sean she likes him, and asks if he likes her, and he pauses for way too long, and then doesn't answer the question other than to say "I want to explore this more."  Kacie seems to take this as a "yeah I want to date you," which is totally different from what I heard. Hmm.

Commercial for zombie movie - but in this one the zombie has a heart and girl loves him, but her dad runs the military and wants to eradicate him.  Wow.  I think I'll pass on that one.

Back to Sean and the girls, and they're eating up everything he says.  Selma loves the way he says "my wife." So much so that she says "it's beautiful coming out of his mouth."  Meanwhile, the other girls are in full on "Tierra's a bitch because she won't sit next to me on the couch!" mode.  Tierra's pout works in the sense that Sean noticed her moping and wants to make sure she's ok.  She's ready for the moment, and goes into the generic "it's hard to see you with other girls because I came her to meet you and I want to date you and blah blah blah"  Sean plays right into her hands and tells her exactly what she wants to hear.

Back at the house, the girls get the next date card.  Sarah says "should I get it?" and then hops off the couch to get it.  She comes back cooing "I've got the daaaaaaate caaaaaard!"  We know lady, you just said you were going to get it.  Tomorrow morning when Jonah asks me to get him some chocolate milk, I'm going to go make it and then walk back into the room singing "guess what I've got......" and see how fast I want to punch myself in the face.  Actually, I already want to punch myself in the face for even thinking about it.  Oh, and Desiree the quirky wedding boutique worker gets the invite.

Big Hair Yoga girl isn't feeling it, and decides to leave.  Again, what did you think was going to happen?  ABC has made no bones about telling us that every girl going on the show knew that Sean was the bachelor, so there's no surprises there.  She decided after one group date that she's seen enough to go?  Why even go on the show if you're going to pack it up that fast?  Did her fifteen seconds of airtime give her yoga studio a boost financially?  Seems like a waste of a spot.  That could've been 50 Shades of Grey girl on that date!  Damn you for taking her spot, Big Hair!

Kacie ends up getting the rose, proving that she heard Sean better than I heard him.  I guess it's good for her.  Tierra wants to punch her in the face.  It'd have been more interesting if she did.  We all lose here.

Desiree is going to get punked.  This is a new thing.  They did the wax studio thing last season, and Sean recaps his super lame "I live with my parents" gag from Emily's season.  He's like the lamest prankster ever.  Sean's out to find out if she has a sense of humor.  She's totally stoked, and appears to be buying everything.  The fake French artist has a piece called "Pettite Poulet" which if my French isn't too rusty, means "little chicken."  Sean excuses himself, and feels like "he totally sold it."  I'm not sure he did anything to set this up.  One of the actresses does a better job, talking about how valuable it is and making some story up about how the piece was a response to the Chernobyl disaster. The piece then just falls...and no hilarity ensues.  The fake artist says "what did you do?"  Desiree says "it wasn't me," and apparently Sean has seen enough and goes to "rescue" her.  He comes in, the fake artist accuses her, Sean says "it doesn't matter if it happened or not, I'm going to support you" which is his way of being chivalrous, but comes off sounding like "you're a huge liar, but I've got your back." and then breaks out laughing and tells her it's a joke.  Ha freaking ha.  Like I said, lamest prankster ever.  Best moment of the whole thing is when Sean tells her they're going to have dinner when they get back, and Desiree innocently asks "has the food been cooking this whole time?  Won't it be burnt?"  I like that she'd even consider the fact that Sean would cook his own meals on this journey.  She must've seen the intro of him slicing berries before Arie showed up and taken it to heart.

After dinner, they retire to the patio for wine and talk of who has the most amazing parents. " OMG, your dad sides with your mom in arguments?  So does mine!  We're totes MFEO!!" They joke about how easy the conversation is, but Desiree looks crazy nervous.  Not nervous enough to not strip down and go hot tubbing though!  Sean goes back into his definition of love, which involves not wanting to go another day without that person.  Sean then says "I won't say I love you if I don't want to marry you" which seems like the best bachelor line ever, as it sounds sincere and also means you can get out of telling any girl how you really feel as long as possible.  Sean gives her the rose, she contemplates if she should take it, leaves Sean hanging...will she take it, or leave him in his stripey board shorts?  Oh who are we kidding, of course she's taking the rose, and now that he's made a moderate gesture of good faith, it's time to make out!  It's like training a dog....give a rose, get some action.  Good boy.

Back at the house, everyone's on edge because OMG people are going home and it's so unfair that some girls got time, and other girls didn't get to go on a date, and on and on.  I still think not having a date during the first week is kind of a free pass, in that why advance a girl past the first episode if you don't have some intention of finding out about her?   The girls that should be nervous are the ones that were on the group date, in my opinion.

Wedding dress girl apologizes for being a drunken mess, and then tests the water with the "I'm a little sad I didn't get a date, but I'm ready to learn more about you." Sean tells her not to worry, and then tells her that he's all about family, which of course she thinks is "awesome."  Again, I'm not sure that liking your family is an "awesome" characteristic.  It's more like one of those things that is only noteworthy if you give an unexpected response.

Meanwhile, some production assistant has gotten in the ear of the girls that Amanda is a little off.  So of course they start poking the bear and asking her if she's alright.  In a move typical of people who've had too much to drink, she ignores them.  Someone calls her a "tornado of negativity."  She just grabs her giant mug of mystery booze and wanders off.  Robyn thinks that it's interesting that there's such a diverse mix of people on the show.  She wonders how race is going to play into his decision to cut people.  Robyn decides the best thing to do is ask him what his "type" is.  Sean is prepared, and gives the "I like Hispanic, Persian, Black...it don't matter" answer.  Robyn now believes that she's not just here because the NAACP mandated it, and thinks "wow, he might actually like black girls!"  Replace "black girl" with "one arm" and you've got Sarah.  They're both focused on how they're perceived differences are going to somehow prevent them from winning.  I'm convinced that if and when they go home, they will try to say "it's because I'm different."  I hate this mindset.

Amanda the Drunken Ignorer gets her one on one time and transforms into Amanda the Chatty Flirter.  Desiree seems to think that saving your energy and happiness for Sean means you're not here for the right reasons, something I don't get.  Amanda borrowed this move from Courtney, getting the girls focused on you rather than the man.  Des has a rose, and she's already gripping.

So onto the rose ceremony.....Des, Kacie and Sarah are safe.  Ashley, Lindsey the bride, Robyn the Minority, Kristy the model, Tierra the Annoying, Taryn the Insecure Oregonian, and a few random girls not worth mentioning get roses before Chris states the obvious about only having one rose left.  It goes to Amanda the Two Faced!   Girls all shoot snarky looks, but Desiree wins for most obviously pissed face.  Sean says his goodbyes to Brooke, who does a gracious exit talking about how love wasn't here for her, Diana the Mom gets told "you need to go home to your kids" break-up, which perpetuates the idea that children are a deal breaker for single men.  He didn't give Brooke a reason, so why did he need to give Diana one?  Ouch.

High five for the cut scene with the girls talking about Greek Mythology.  I'm confused, but enjoyed learning about the secret staircase to the island of "The Hades."  Solid ending....plus Tierra pushes herself down the stairs and blames it on the girls!  Tune in next week for more scripted drama!

What are you REALLY Buying?

So I saw a link on CNN.com today about the annual CES conference in Las Vegas.  It's basically where cool new electronic gadgets are debuted, and you can get an idea of what developments in technology are coming down the pike, such as 3D TV without the need for glasses and a TV that's only 4mm thick.  Excuse me while I wipe the drool off my keyboard. 

So, after reading about some of these developments, I see another link - a photo gallery of some of these new gizmos.  So I click on it, and the 3rd picture is this:

 

 

Really?  This is who is going to sell me a waterproof phone?  This is how we need to sell useful, relevant, cutting edge technologies?  As a consumer, does your choice really come down to who has the best looking sales reps?  Anyone under the age of 22, stop nodding.  We know you're driven by hormones.  You're excused, because you don't have any money anyways.  I'll be honest, it took me a good long while to figure out that the girl in that picture was advertising a waterproof phone, mostly because I wasn't looking at the phone.  For me, the model takes away from the product.  She pulled my attention away from the product, not drew me to it. But my point is, are we really at a point as a society where we're willing to throw our money at an inferior product because the person selling it has on a tight shirt? 

 

Sadly, the answer is yes.  If this kind of marketing didn't work, we wouldn't see it over and over.  Hooters is essentially the middle school equivalent of a strip club.  I don't think I'd ever go there over a Buffalo Wild Wings.  Yes, I have been to a Hooters, but not since I got out of college (see my comment about 22 year-olds above).  Seems like every one's desperate for an attractive person to show them attention, even if that attention is blatantly phony. 

 

I'm not the kind of person to find every little thing offensive or demeaning.  I don't think the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is in any way doing a disservice to women.  It's good for the swimsuit industry, good for the magazine, and good for the models.  It's not taking money and/or attention away from something else.  This use of hired hotties to sell phones is not good though.  It marginalizes women who actually do work in the tech industry.  Listen to some of the women in this BBC video - they've carved out careers in this field, then at the Super Bowl of their industry, they're essentially put on the sidelines so a more attractive person can close the deal?  That's crap.  I also got a kick out of the model in that video who says that the models at CES "wear business attire" and are "pretty much covered up." 

 

Is this offensive to you?  If you were in the market for a waterproof phone, would this girl convince you to buy that phone?  If I'm being honest, I'd probably listen to her talk about the phone, ask some questions I don't really care about the answer to, then walk on.  No way I let her talk me into buying something though.  Even if I needed it, I'd probably wait and then buy it online later.   I'd hate to think I was encouraging this type of activity. 

The Journey begins again

Props to Alabama for putting Notre Dame down.  For you sports fans, I'd recommend reading this story about the rumor that Knute Rockne was killed by the mob.  I'd never heard that rumor, but found the article pretty interesting.

But we all know that's not why you're here, right?  Nope, you're here to hear what I have to stay about Mr. Sean Lowe - a guy who thought it was a good move to pretend he lived at home with his parents and left half eaten cookies all over his room - and his quest to find a girl.  Let's get to it!

We're not even through the intro, and I'm already bored with Sean.  There's no emotion in anything he says.  I have more enthusiasm in my voice when talking about the burger I just ate at First Burger than he does when telling a girl he likes her.  Thank goodness the girls are here to crazy this thing up.  Chris Harrison is up to his usual hyperbolic ways, saying that "no one deserves a second shot a love more than Sean."  What, because Emily didn't pick him?  You're right, he just barely missed out on being the third ex-fiance of Emily Maynard.  What a bummer. 

We get to see the recap of Sean's time with Emily.  It's a good time to remember Emily dumped him wearing a skirt that made her look like a mermaid and what looks like a $4 Hanes for Her gray tank top.  Back at his parents super awesome Dallas house (remember they built his niece an air conditioned play house?)  we get to see Sean chilling with his niece and nephew, and he looks like he's good with kids.  The four women in America who watch the show that aren't googly eyed over Sean have now converted.  Abs conquer all. 

I love that ABC sent Sean to the beach with a fake wedding in the background and optimistic music as Sean talks about how excited he is to find the love of his life.  Then....Arie shows up?  And he's trying to teach Sean how to kiss a girl?  I'm confused.  Remember those abs?  Sean's kissed a girl before Arie.  Maybe not as many as you, Mr. Race Car Driving son of a Rich Race Car Driver, but Sean's done alright I'm sure. 

Sean's cutting up some fruit (because he eats healthy ALL THE TIME America!) when Arie shows up.  Sean then talks about how Arie and him have been through "so much together."  They both got to go on a world tour and have a brief but passionate relationship with a super hottie.  Gee, must've been tough guys.  Arie uses his bad boy influence to convince Sean to forget the berries and crack a few beers.  Then we have the most contrived, awkward conversation ever between two men in recorded TV history.  Two self confident, attractive men, pretending to break up with each other and discussing how much tongue to use is just weird.  Up next is my favorite part of any season...the completely contrived, ABC influenced introductions!

First, Chris Harrison has to just blow everything out of proportion, talking about how "no one will ever forget" his break up with Emily, and "hopefully he'll become a father" as if his chance of procreating hinges on him marrying one of these 25 ladies. Let's meet 'em!

Desiree is a slight dorky, klutzy bridal planner.  I like her, but she seems like the kind of person who might have self esteem issues.  She'll cry later tonight.

Tierra(?) is a hot mess.  Her fake reaction to finding out that Sean was the bachelor was awful.  She has a little dog.  I do not like her, not one little bit.

Robyn is a big nerd who does handstands in her room and uses post it notes to learn Spanish.  She'll go home early. 

There's a hair stylist.  She has two kids.  I'll need to see more.

There's a girl named Sarah who seems pretty normal.  Not sure how she got on the show.....oh wait she's only got one arm. 

Another hair stylist with a cat and a 50 shades of grey fetish!  She'll go home tonight.  Sean does not seem like the guy who will humor her.

random girl, random girl, model who immediately has every guy watching the show drooling, and then girl with adoption issues.  I'm a little concerned about her well being on this show.  The other girls are going to eat her alive.  She also has a little dog.

Bring on the limos!

Sean and Chris exchange pleasantries - Chris tells Sean that 25 girls were here specifically because he was the bachelor, confirming that Tierra was full of shit when she squealed during that interview. They're not even trying to pretend anymore on this show. 

First girl out is named AshLee.  She does a fairly normal introduction.  She's lucky she wasn't wearing a nametag, because that capital L would probably get her a return trip in that limo.

Next girl out kisses him, and third girl just happens to have a tissue to wipe it off with. 

Some girl uses the term "Holy Toledo" and then calls him "Mr. McSteamy."  Eesh.

Handshake girl was cute, but that handshake was awful.

Cruise Ship girl needs to take more cruises to cloudy locations.  Her skin looks like she's takes naps in a RonCo food dehydrator.

50 Shades hops out....and she's going home.  Guaranteed.  The tie thing did not impress him.

There's a girl from Seattle that reminds me of Neela from ER.  She calls him a "hunk."  No chance.

Robyn the nerd goes for the handstand and......apparently she thought she was on another ABC show....Wipeout.  Nerds may rule the world, but they do not rule the driveway.

Paige!  From Bachelor Pad!  I loved her....I'm hoping she does well here.  She plays it pretty cool on the intro, and probably makes a good move by being up front with her Bachelor past immediately.  No reason to hide it.

Next comes Tierra, whose opening line is "I just wanted to show that I have a heart on my finger, and it's open."  I thought this was some weird metaphor, but nope, she has an actual tattoo of an open heart on her finger.  Sean then tells her to hold on.  If he gives her a goddamn rose, Sean will never be able to redeem himself in my eyes.  She's an absolute moron.  But Sean's giving her a rose.  He tells Chris he's "clicking with her."  HE HASN'T SAID A WORD!!!  He also says he's "hoping that giving her a rose doesn't create any tension."  So apparently he's a bigger moron than she is.

The girls are pissed.  50 Shades looks like she's going to use that tie for murder rather than fornication.  Back to the girls outside.

Amanda has huge teeth.  Not in a bad way, but holy smokes her teeth are big and white.  They're the Santa Claus beard of teeth.  Desiree goes with the pennies to make a wish in the well intro, and I like it.  I hope she doesn't melt down, because she's one of my favorites so far, along with Paige and the Model. 

Lesley breaks out the football, and it reminds me of this clip that I saw this morning.  Turns out she doesn't want to actually play, just look as his butt.  Probably smart, her girly throwing motion could've turned him off immediately. 

Model is from Wisconsin!  Another reason to like her.  Her confidence will take her far in this show.  After her is another model, who says "hi Ken, I'm Barbie."  I don't like this one.  Her voice sounds like something from a 976 hotline.  I don't like her. 

Some Italian girl thinks it's a good joke to threaten bodily harm is he breaks her heart.  Get it, she's Italian, her family does mob hits....Not a strong impression.

Bridal girl gets out and says "you may kiss the bride."  She's giggling the whole time, clearly embarrassed that she let ABC talk her into this.  I wonder if she knows that by agreeing to put on the dress she ended any chance she had of winning.  Perhaps she was in it for fame over love.  In which case, mission accomplished lady!

Mystery girl has arrived!  But first a commercial for the Miss America pageant.  Wasn't the Miss Universe pageant last week?  No time off on the girly girl circuit, I guess.

Kacie B is our mystery girl.  You may remember her from Ben's season....everyone loved her, but her super overprotective and religious family torpedoed her shot at love.  Commence the girls freaking out in 3,2,1.....

As I feared, Desiree is already panicking.  She doesn't think it's fair because Kacie had her shot at Ben, and why should she get a second shot.  So apparently if you've fallen in love before and had it not work out, then you're not allowed to try again with any other men.  I'm not looking forward to watching her self destruct, but it's going to happen.  Reminds me of Jamie and her awkward lap dance with Ben and subsequent meltdown on Bachelor Pad.

Kacie gets the first one on one time.  She's probably thankful that she won't be mentioned as Kacie B for the duration of the show.  She says that she didn't expect to be here.  Really?  You called the show and asked to come on.  Where did you think you were going to be?  She has a big leg up in that she's already hung out with Sean and they have a familiarity.

Desiree gets her time next, and it goes well enough that Sean hands out a rose.  He's like the Johnny Appleseed of roses!!!  Kacie rightfully wonders why she didn't get a rose.  My guess is that Sean knows there's no chance he's going to forget her name or over extend himself on roses before getting one to her.  Desiree is just one of 25 new faces, and not even the only one in a red dress.  Better to get her a rose now before you accidentally give one to another girl. 

The girls are blowing up over the extra roses.  "But we've never seen this happen before on the show!"  Remember this statement, because these same girls are going to freak out when he goes on dates with other girls and or they're on a group date, and at least one of them will say "I had no idea it would be this hard!"  You should have, because EVERY SEASON SOMEONE SAYS THEY DIDN'T KNOW HOW HARD IT WOULD BE.   Girls are freaking out about the roses...Model 2 says "obviously I don't have a rose - I'm empty handed" but it sure sounded to me like she said "empty headed." 

The bride is trashed.  She's trying to keep it together, but it's never a good idea to talk about your morals while completely drunk and attempting to kiss a guy while wearing a wedding dress.  Also, did Sean say somewhere in there that "just because he gives a rose to a girl, it doesn't mean anything?"  Why did he give out the roses then?  Just to mess with these poor girls heads?  Lots of mixed signals from this dude.

50 Shades decides to have a dance party to the music in her head.  Anastasia Steele would never drop it like it's hot - she's way out of character.  She apparently called her mom when Sean got dumped by Emily and said she'd marry him.  Now her mom calls him her son in law.  No clue why 50 shades starts dancing when she says this, but OK.  Being drunk sure does look like fun sometimes.  I mean, there's 26 people trying to keep it together under the pressure of the situation, and she's dancing like Elisabeth Shue in her bedroom.  Maybe she's trying for the "this girl's so crazy we need to keep her around for ratings" rose.  If so, she's definitely in the lead for that one. 

Taryn, who is from Oregon, is trying to play the "I'm too much of a lady to interrupt another girl for attention."  Basically saying "the guys come to me."  Well, there's only one guy here.  She declares herself a "hot mess."  At least she's self aware.

One armed girl is getting emotional and saying that guys see that she only has one arm and assume that there's going to be more emotional work.  Having one arm is a challenge that I can't imagine facing, but if you don't want people to think you're emotional, you can't act emotional.  Sean then gives her a rose, and suddenly he loves her and she's good enough for love and on and on and on.  A pessimist would say that he only gave her a rose BECAUSE she has one arm and is probably sensitive about that, so he threw her a bone - really, really awful pun intended.  I'm probably going to hell for that line, but there it is.  Look, if you don't want people to treat you differently based on some characteristic you have, stop drawing attention to it. 

Chris Harrison continues on his quest to overstate everything - saying Sean is "the most sincere" bachelor ever and "is here for one thing and one thing only."  The man could sell ice to Eskimos.  Time for the rose ceremony.  Kacie gets her rose, as I predicted.  Also as I predicted, 50 shades and model 2 go home.  Taryn the non interrupter gets a rose and puts herself in strong competition with Desiree for most insecure.  Desi didn't cry (that honor went to Taryn).  Paige again gets the boot way earlier than she deserved.  Sean's an idiot.  Cruise ship girl is already over Sean, she's worried about what the next guy she dates is going to think about her singing a song for Sean and then not getting a rose.  Model 2 says "the disappointment is there, but the devastation - I try not to let it sink in, but it does.  It hurts!"  Wow. 

A pretty entertaining first two hours!  50 Shades exit video was awesome.  Shame she lost the crazy girl rose to the Bride, because she was at least 50% crazier.  At least.