There's hummingbirds outside, and muscles inside! Did they really just show him showering with his shorts on? ABC has no shame. Chris comes out and gives his weekly over the top peptalk to the girls where he says Sean is the "most sincere" bachelor they've ever had, and to prove his point he says that he "truly believes that Sean will get down on one knee a propose to one of you." You know, like all those other less sincere bachelors have done. Of course the girls eat it up. Sarah - the first handi-capable contestant that I can remember, reminds us of her one-armed-ness twice in thirty seconds. She also says "being different...makes me different," and "I don't think Sean will treat me different at all." So, to recap, Sarah's different. And how do you pick up a different girl? Why, in a helicopter of course! Kacie B. goes off on how "OF COURSE Sean couldn't show up in a normal mode of transportation," and one of the other girls says "Sarah gets Sean PLUS a helicopter? Kinda studly, not gonna lie." Isn't a helicopter kind of commonplace on this show? What would be unique and special would be showing up in a Ford Focus and telling the girl "you drive." We're 17 episodes in and these girls are still getting all twitterpated by helicopters? Sarah then reminds us two more times that she is missing a limb, saying that guys find her unapproachable because she has one arm, and that her "ability to love someone is not affected by the number of hands" she has. She goes on to say that Sean is showing her that he is the guy she thought he was by picking her for the first one on one. Translation: If I hadn't got the first date, it would've been because I had one arm, and who wants to date a FREAK? Again, it's dangerous territory to poke fun at someone different, but I'm trying not to treat her differently. Sean then calls her missing arm "the elephant in the room," which seems strange that you'd relate her disability to the largest land mammal on Earth while trying to say that it's not a big deal. Yeesh.
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Ok, so I wouldn't really drop a dog off a building, but you get the point. Plus, a dog pilot is hilarious!
There absolutely is dinner, where we find out that it only takes one arm to hold a giant glass of wine. Sarah tells a story about how she was denied the chance to go zip-lining because of a state law. Somehow the point of this story is that her dad told her that she needs a man to help her get through times when she's treated differently. Forget the fact that her dad basically told her that she as a woman isn't tough enough to weather these moments on her own, way to put the pressure on Sean! "My daddy told me to find a big strong man to show me zip lining is possible, and poof here you are to jump off a building with me....you're the man my daddy told me about!" It's going to be very, VERY, hard on her when she doesn't get a rose, and I'll bet that when that day comes, she mentions her missing limb. I hope I'm wrong, but I see it coming. Thankfully, that day is not today. I've had enough of her insecurity for one day.
Group date is coming up next. If you had Tierra in the "First to say that she's here for Sean and not to make friends with 12 other girls," pat yourself on the back. My money would've been on the self confident model from Wisconsin. Sean is waiting for the girls at some gigantic house, which of course the girls know isn't Sean's, but that doesn't prevent them from pretending it's his. One girl calls him a prince and refers to all the girls his "princesses." Looks like a photo shoot, and Model Kristy is FIRED UP. Big Hair Yoga girl, who I don't remember at all from the first episode is already making vague "it's not fair to bring a model to a photo shoot!" comments. Tierra is mocking the girls getting extensions, so of course the girls with extensions are mocking her. Robyn goes so far as to call her a "tacky ho." I'd say calling someone a "tacky ho" when she's sitting five feet away from you makes you a "tacky ho" yourself. The girls get pissed when other girls get to kiss him, and Tierra's reiterating that she's here for Sean. She borrows a line from Courtney a few seasons ago with the "all these other girls can go home now." Model Kristy kills it, which of course means the other girls will discredit her win. "You can have the cover shoot, I'll take Sean" and "I'm not here to play dress-up." I still don't think she gets the rose, because she'll get penalized for being a professional. Not her fault, but she was like a 1 seed against a bunch of 16 seeds....winning means nothing, but losing would've been HUGE. Sean and Lesley have the first one on one time, and he wants to kiss her, but rather than go in for the kiss he sits back and lets her get so nervous that she starts small talking. Sean claims this makes him like her more, but she's a little confused as to why he didn't go in for the kiss. She decides enough is enough, and goes in for the kiss. I think it's a good strategy, one of the few you'll see on this show. Good for her.
Kacie B. is next up, and she uses the cliché "never in a million years" did I think I'd be here, then says it's only because of Sean, and then tells Sean she likes him, and asks if he likes her, and he pauses for way too long, and then doesn't answer the question other than to say "I want to explore this more." Kacie seems to take this as a "yeah I want to date you," which is totally different from what I heard. Hmm.
Commercial for zombie movie - but in this one the zombie has a heart and girl loves him, but her dad runs the military and wants to eradicate him. Wow. I think I'll pass on that one.
Back to Sean and the girls, and they're eating up everything he says. Selma loves the way he says "my wife." So much so that she says "it's beautiful coming out of his mouth." Meanwhile, the other girls are in full on "Tierra's a bitch because she won't sit next to me on the couch!" mode. Tierra's pout works in the sense that Sean noticed her moping and wants to make sure she's ok. She's ready for the moment, and goes into the generic "it's hard to see you with other girls because I came her to meet you and I want to date you and blah blah blah" Sean plays right into her hands and tells her exactly what she wants to hear.
Back at the house, the girls get the next date card. Sarah says "should I get it?" and then hops off the couch to get it. She comes back cooing "I've got the daaaaaaate caaaaaard!" We know lady, you just said you were going to get it. Tomorrow morning when Jonah asks me to get him some chocolate milk, I'm going to go make it and then walk back into the room singing "guess what I've got......" and see how fast I want to punch myself in the face. Actually, I already want to punch myself in the face for even thinking about it. Oh, and Desiree the quirky wedding boutique worker gets the invite.
Big Hair Yoga girl isn't feeling it, and decides to leave. Again, what did you think was going to happen? ABC has made no bones about telling us that every girl going on the show knew that Sean was the bachelor, so there's no surprises there. She decided after one group date that she's seen enough to go? Why even go on the show if you're going to pack it up that fast? Did her fifteen seconds of airtime give her yoga studio a boost financially? Seems like a waste of a spot. That could've been 50 Shades of Grey girl on that date! Damn you for taking her spot, Big Hair!
Kacie ends up getting the rose, proving that she heard Sean better than I heard him. I guess it's good for her. Tierra wants to punch her in the face. It'd have been more interesting if she did. We all lose here.
Desiree is going to get punked. This is a new thing. They did the wax studio thing last season, and Sean recaps his super lame "I live with my parents" gag from Emily's season. He's like the lamest prankster ever. Sean's out to find out if she has a sense of humor. She's totally stoked, and appears to be buying everything. The fake French artist has a piece called "Pettite Poulet" which if my French isn't too rusty, means "little chicken." Sean excuses himself, and feels like "he totally sold it." I'm not sure he did anything to set this up. One of the actresses does a better job, talking about how valuable it is and making some story up about how the piece was a response to the Chernobyl disaster. The piece then just falls...and no hilarity ensues. The fake artist says "what did you do?" Desiree says "it wasn't me," and apparently Sean has seen enough and goes to "rescue" her. He comes in, the fake artist accuses her, Sean says "it doesn't matter if it happened or not, I'm going to support you" which is his way of being chivalrous, but comes off sounding like "you're a huge liar, but I've got your back." and then breaks out laughing and tells her it's a joke. Ha freaking ha. Like I said, lamest prankster ever. Best moment of the whole thing is when Sean tells her they're going to have dinner when they get back, and Desiree innocently asks "has the food been cooking this whole time? Won't it be burnt?" I like that she'd even consider the fact that Sean would cook his own meals on this journey. She must've seen the intro of him slicing berries before Arie showed up and taken it to heart.
After dinner, they retire to the patio for wine and talk of who has the most amazing parents. " OMG, your dad sides with your mom in arguments? So does mine! We're totes MFEO!!" They joke about how easy the conversation is, but Desiree looks crazy nervous. Not nervous enough to not strip down and go hot tubbing though! Sean goes back into his definition of love, which involves not wanting to go another day without that person. Sean then says "I won't say I love you if I don't want to marry you" which seems like the best bachelor line ever, as it sounds sincere and also means you can get out of telling any girl how you really feel as long as possible. Sean gives her the rose, she contemplates if she should take it, leaves Sean hanging...will she take it, or leave him in his stripey board shorts? Oh who are we kidding, of course she's taking the rose, and now that he's made a moderate gesture of good faith, it's time to make out! It's like training a dog....give a rose, get some action. Good boy.
Back at the house, everyone's on edge because OMG people are going home and it's so unfair that some girls got time, and other girls didn't get to go on a date, and on and on. I still think not having a date during the first week is kind of a free pass, in that why advance a girl past the first episode if you don't have some intention of finding out about her? The girls that should be nervous are the ones that were on the group date, in my opinion.
Wedding dress girl apologizes for being a drunken mess, and then tests the water with the "I'm a little sad I didn't get a date, but I'm ready to learn more about you." Sean tells her not to worry, and then tells her that he's all about family, which of course she thinks is "awesome." Again, I'm not sure that liking your family is an "awesome" characteristic. It's more like one of those things that is only noteworthy if you give an unexpected response.
Meanwhile, some production assistant has gotten in the ear of the girls that Amanda is a little off. So of course they start poking the bear and asking her if she's alright. In a move typical of people who've had too much to drink, she ignores them. Someone calls her a "tornado of negativity." She just grabs her giant mug of mystery booze and wanders off. Robyn thinks that it's interesting that there's such a diverse mix of people on the show. She wonders how race is going to play into his decision to cut people. Robyn decides the best thing to do is ask him what his "type" is. Sean is prepared, and gives the "I like Hispanic, Persian, Black...it don't matter" answer. Robyn now believes that she's not just here because the NAACP mandated it, and thinks "wow, he might actually like black girls!" Replace "black girl" with "one arm" and you've got Sarah. They're both focused on how they're perceived differences are going to somehow prevent them from winning. I'm convinced that if and when they go home, they will try to say "it's because I'm different." I hate this mindset.
Amanda the Drunken Ignorer gets her one on one time and transforms into Amanda the Chatty Flirter. Desiree seems to think that saving your energy and happiness for Sean means you're not here for the right reasons, something I don't get. Amanda borrowed this move from Courtney, getting the girls focused on you rather than the man. Des has a rose, and she's already gripping.
So onto the rose ceremony.....Des, Kacie and Sarah are safe. Ashley, Lindsey the bride, Robyn the Minority, Kristy the model, Tierra the Annoying, Taryn the Insecure Oregonian, and a few random girls not worth mentioning get roses before Chris states the obvious about only having one rose left. It goes to Amanda the Two Faced! Girls all shoot snarky looks, but Desiree wins for most obviously pissed face. Sean says his goodbyes to Brooke, who does a gracious exit talking about how love wasn't here for her, Diana the Mom gets told "you need to go home to your kids" break-up, which perpetuates the idea that children are a deal breaker for single men. He didn't give Brooke a reason, so why did he need to give Diana one? Ouch.
High five for the cut scene with the girls talking about Greek Mythology. I'm confused, but enjoyed learning about the secret staircase to the island of "The Hades." Solid ending....plus Tierra pushes herself down the stairs and blames it on the girls! Tune in next week for more scripted drama!
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