Sean's still working out - is he the first bachelor/ette in history to exercise? He also says one week in that he's "really diggin' on a lot of women." As it should be man....16 women keep telling you how amazing you are - you should be loving it.
Robyn really wants that date card. She wants the date card to say "let's ditch these bitches and fall in love for real." This is a woman who called Tierra a "trashy ho" last week. From now on Robyn's new nickname is "Pot" since she seems to like calling kettles black. And no Robyn, if you're reading this, I chose that nickname because of the saying, not because you're black, though it makes it just about perfect.
Lesley gets the first one-on-one, and takes her to the Guiness Book of World Records Museum. Kind of a weird place for a date, but turns out Sean's dad holds a world record for driving all of the 48 contiguous states in under 100 hours, which is just insane. Now the date goes from weird to cool. Then it goes from cool to corny when Chris informs the couple that they'll be breaking the record for longest on screen kiss. So she's going from getting shut down trying to drunkenly kiss him in a wedding dress to being forced to kiss him in front of a hundred or so people on one of the scummiest streets in the country. I stayed in a hotel just off Hollywood Boulevard a few months ago, and it was full of drugged out youths barefoot and singing as they strolled in and out of people in half assed celebrity costumes. So romantic.
Chris introduces a very stuffy British dude who gives us the official rules while holding a copy of the current edition of the Guiness Book of World Records. Is that like their bible? Do you have to hold your right hand on it while you kiss? Sheesh. This kiss is not passionate at all. It's like they're stuck to each other. They're trying to make it passionate, Lesley playing with his hair, Sean playing with her butt. Also, Lesley's dress is kinda short, and she has to raise her arms up to reach Sean, pulling it dangerously close to giving some dude in the front row a free show. Sean says "Lesley's a great kisser," which is bullshit since she just smashed her face against his. She did "work her hands," which makes her a great hand mover in my opinion. Barack Obama's reaction to this kiss was a little different than his brother-in-law's:
Time for the rooftop dinner. They're on top of the famous Roosevelt Hotel. Sean toasts her by saying "here's to setting records with the only girl I want to set records with," which is complete crap and something he can't back up at all, but of course she likes it. I'm a little confused as to why Lesley doesn't look at Sean while they're talking. She's looking everywhere else. I'm not sure the chemistry is really there. She admits that Sean makes her nervous, which she thinks probably is good, but when there's going to be five or six girls that aren't nervous to be around him, she might have her work cut out for her. Sean, apparently not thinking like I am, says that he likes the fact that she's nervous. He then says she made him nervous right out of the limo in her wedding dress. She apologizes, and then Sean says he had to "take the power back." He then challenges her to "take it back again," which of course is his way of saying 'you should kiss me right now." She of course obliges, and then says "how is that for taking the power back?" She's an idiot, because she still has no power. He walked her right down the primrose path. Taking the power back would've been to NOT kiss him. In a shocking twist, ABC opts not for fireworks, but for confetti. Budget smaller this year or what?
Meanwhile, back at the house the group date card has arrived. Most of the major players are going, Sarah's left home to wonder if her missing hand has anything to do with her not getting a date card along with AshLee the Organizer. AshLee says that she's glad she's not going on the group date because it sounds like it could be some sort of activity, and she'd prefer to do something romantic with him. Translation: I'm clumsy as hell. Either that, or she can't handle the pressures that group dates can bring, and therefore is relieved that she won't end up a wallflower.
Beach time! All the girls are frolicking in their bikini's, ogling Shirtless Sean. Then Chris Harrison shows up, which prompts Kacie B to say "you know when Chris shows up, the fun's going to end for someone." I wonder if his ex-wife just said "TRUE DAT, GIRLFRIEND!' as she bitterly poured herself another glass of wine. Time for some beach volleyball - losing team has to ride the bus home. We saw this bit with some baseball in Ben's season, where Blakely dominated, yet her team sucked and lost and she bitched out everyone in the dugout. We won't have that issue here, because these girls are AWFUL. Pretty much whoever gets it over the net is going to win. One of the girls calls it the "biggest game of her life." Yipes. Blue team gets the win, sending Kristy the Model into tears. She blames herself for the loss, then says something about letting the rest of her team down. In the reject van, there's lots of tears in the reject van. It got dark in a hurry there didn't it? The sun was out when they got in the van, and they're still driving in the dark? Man those girls must be pissed if ABC made them sit in the parking lot at the beach in their bikinis for a couple hours waiting for the sun to go down. No wonder they're crying.
Back with the winners, Desiree is gloating that the other girls are probably back home crying in their beds...which they probably would be if ABC hadn't made the circle the parking lot for six hours. Kristy is taking this extremely hard, talking about how exhausting it is to work for time with Sean. Sean is the master of the compliment, telling one girl "I haven't seen this side of you yet," which sends her heart aflutter, then telling Desiree that she looked so beautiful in her "little bikini" and complimenting her "confidence." Of course he left out the fact that the 11 other girls looked good in their bikini's as well.
AshLee gets her wish, getting the final one on one date, though Tierra plays a little joke and pretends Selma's name is on the date card too. Brief panic shoots through the room, before Tierra laughs and says it's just a joke. Girls hate it, mostly because they fell for it. The mark of a quality prank is one that catches everyone off guard. Points for Tierra, although from the previews it looks like Karma is going to shove her jokey ass down a flight of stairs.
Amanda, she of the cold shoulder to the girls and megawatt smile to Sean, gloats that she's killing it with Sean. The women don't love it, and Kacie B. again takes it upon herself to inform Sean of the dynamics between the women. Kacie, Kacie, Kacie. You did this on Ben's season with regards to Courtney and that didn't work out for you at all. Sean rightly calls her on this, and tells her to "be Kacie, not a crazy person." Kacie suddenly thinks this plan isn't going to work and now she's freaking out. I swear to God I wonder what the hell is wrong with her. I constantly yell at people who go on this show, wondering why they don't do their research and learn from previous seasons. Yet Kacie was ON THE SHOW and is making the same mistakes again. I'm done with her. She deserves to go back home to Tennessee alone. Again. Oh, and Lesley gets the rose for showing Sean "another side of her." Everyone has another side, or a deeper side, or needs to let people in. We get it. I'm getting cranky. Maybe I should've waited until tomorrow to watch this, instead of trying to get into it at 10:00 because the kids wouldn't go to sleep.
AshLee thinks this is the most perfect day and nothing will go wrong. Cue Tierra tumbling down the stairs like Meryl Streep in Death Becomes Her. Sean walks in and says "she might have a concussion." I'm about to wonder what prompted him to think that, when he divulges "I've had many concussions." Well that explains a lot. Tierra insists she's fine, yet six medical personnel are basically strapping her to a gurney. AshLee thinks this is an intentional ploy by Tierra to get time with Sean. Personally, I think she just fell down the stairs and took a few moments to gather herself. I'm not an expert on EMT policy, but I think if she was seriously injured, or they suspected she was seriously injured, there's no freaking way they'd let her casually waltz out to the balcony to flirt with Sean. So basically the neck brace was just for show. Now did she create this drama herself? I don't think she did it intentionally. I think she slipped and fell down the stairs, then when everyone around her overreacted, she played along until it got way out of hand and she said "you know what? Enough." I honestly don't think she's smart enough to hatch a plot like that to derail AshLee's date. At least not by herself. ABC might've given her a little "push." AshLee is really pouting and whining about Tierra liking to play the victim. She might get the nickname "Lil' Pot" for that outburst. Stop whining, you're still going to get your time. Apparently I'm still cranky, might be time for a Pepsi.
Sean, says "there's nobody else he'd rathe have on this date." Obviously, since you picked her to go on the date, then tailored it to her. Off to an amusement park, which seems way too fun for a personal organizer who doesn't seem like she appreciates chaos at all. In another move that's sure to rankle her, he's invited some chronically ill girls. The girls apparently have never met each other, but the lady from the chronically ill children's charity calls them "lifelong friends who have known each other online only for a year." Maybe next date they can bring along Manti Te'o and Lennay Kekua. Had to go there.
AshLee actually seems to be handling the diverted attention on this date rather well, for someone who was pissed she had to share her morning with a girl who fell down the stairs. She's moved to tears by their friendship. Or is it the soulful music of the Eli Young Band? Gotta love those private concerts. We may never know.
After the sick girls go home, Sean says "we had the best day today! Can you imagine a better day?" AshLee emphatically says "no," but Sean looks away and halfheartedly says "me neither!" Way to sell it Sean. He then asks AshLee what she sees her family looking like in the future and she says "I definitely want to have as many kids......as my husband and I decide." I really wish I knew how she wanted to finish that sentence before she got worried she'd scare the shit out of Sean. My best guesses:
.......as my uterus will allow.
.......as my husband can afford.
.......as the state will let me keep.
.......as the Duggers.
ok, moving on. Turns out she was abused by a foster family. "Isn't that crazy?" she quips. I know that's the first thing I think about child abuse - it's just crazy man. Rachel and I got a good laugh out of that one. Fortunately she found a good adoptive family that love her, and she's developed into a beautiful, successful, crying mess. As a professional organizer, she needs to get her emotions organized in a hurry, because she's stressing me out. Good luck, Sean!
Rose ceremony time! Sean developed some strong relationships, which probably made the girls who didn't get time start to panic, but Sean says "his heart's still open." Sean wants to make Sarah feel confident in her place with him, so he has a surprise for her. A limo shows up, and Sarah starts gripping that he's sending her home, frantically saying "you can't do this to me!" Don't worry, he's not sending you home, he's delivering your dog! To reiterate, he brought a girl, one of sixteen he's currently dating, her dog in a limo. My first thought was that if she had two hands her dog would still be at home.
Tierra's flirting with him, but Desiree jumps in. Tierra's pissed off, claiming she wants to punch some walls. So she steals him back, but Sean promises to come back to Des, who in turn vows to wait for him "right here." The girls now smell the blood in the water, and they all start stealing Sean like he's second base and they're Rickey Henderson. Poor Des is forgotten, sitting forlornly on a little bench. Kacie B shows up in a dress that looks like she's got a match with Serena Williams at the Australian Open later...what is up with that neon green zipper? She tries to smooth things out with Sean, but not one but TWO girls steal him away. That is what we call a "double steal." Mercifully, Chris Harrison shows up to set the circus down. Let's find out who's going home already!
Sean can't let the drama die, he has to lead Kacie outside to finish their conversation. He takes a rose with him, but then cruelly doesn't give it to her. That was just mean, ABC. She's done. She handles it much better than she did the last time, so congrats to her.
Tierra, Lesley H., Katherine (who?), Daniella (who just looks mean to me), Robyn (aka Pot), Selma, Sarah, Jackie (again, who?), Two-Faced Amanda all get Roses. Desiree, Model Kristy, and the Oregon girl are left. Des gets it, again knocking out my favorite early on. I feel this is a good thing, since it means I don't have very much at common with the bachelor at all. I hope he didn't send her home because she sucked at volleyball. But then again, she was historically bad.
Tune in next week, when Tierra equates a stint on The Bachelor to being locked up in Guantanamo Bay, or something like that. Ugh.
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