Props to Alabama for putting Notre Dame down. For you sports fans, I'd recommend reading this story about the rumor that Knute Rockne was killed by the mob. I'd never heard that rumor, but found the article pretty interesting.
But we all know that's not why you're here, right? Nope, you're here to hear what I have to stay about Mr. Sean Lowe - a guy who thought it was a good move to pretend he lived at home with his parents and left half eaten cookies all over his room - and his quest to find a girl. Let's get to it!
We're not even through the intro, and I'm already bored with Sean. There's no emotion in anything he says. I have more enthusiasm in my voice when talking about the burger I just ate at First Burger than he does when telling a girl he likes her. Thank goodness the girls are here to crazy this thing up. Chris Harrison is up to his usual hyperbolic ways, saying that "no one deserves a second shot a love more than Sean." What, because Emily didn't pick him? You're right, he just barely missed out on being the third ex-fiance of Emily Maynard. What a bummer.
We get to see the recap of Sean's time with Emily. It's a good time to remember Emily dumped him wearing a skirt that made her look like a mermaid and what looks like a $4 Hanes for Her gray tank top. Back at his parents super awesome Dallas house (remember they built his niece an air conditioned play house?) we get to see Sean chilling with his niece and nephew, and he looks like he's good with kids. The four women in America who watch the show that aren't googly eyed over Sean have now converted. Abs conquer all.
I love that ABC sent Sean to the beach with a fake wedding in the background and optimistic music as Sean talks about how excited he is to find the love of his life. Then....Arie shows up? And he's trying to teach Sean how to kiss a girl? I'm confused. Remember those abs? Sean's kissed a girl before Arie. Maybe not as many as you, Mr. Race Car Driving son of a Rich Race Car Driver, but Sean's done alright I'm sure.
Sean's cutting up some fruit (because he eats healthy ALL THE TIME America!) when Arie shows up. Sean then talks about how Arie and him have been through "so much together." They both got to go on a world tour and have a brief but passionate relationship with a super hottie. Gee, must've been tough guys. Arie uses his bad boy influence to convince Sean to forget the berries and crack a few beers. Then we have the most contrived, awkward conversation ever between two men in recorded TV history. Two self confident, attractive men, pretending to break up with each other and discussing how much tongue to use is just weird. Up next is my favorite part of any season...the completely contrived, ABC influenced introductions!
First, Chris Harrison has to just blow everything out of proportion, talking about how "no one will ever forget" his break up with Emily, and "hopefully he'll become a father" as if his chance of procreating hinges on him marrying one of these 25 ladies. Let's meet 'em!
Desiree is a slight dorky, klutzy bridal planner. I like her, but she seems like the kind of person who might have self esteem issues. She'll cry later tonight.
Tierra(?) is a hot mess. Her fake reaction to finding out that Sean was the bachelor was awful. She has a little dog. I do not like her, not one little bit.
Robyn is a big nerd who does handstands in her room and uses post it notes to learn Spanish. She'll go home early.
There's a hair stylist. She has two kids. I'll need to see more.
There's a girl named Sarah who seems pretty normal. Not sure how she got on the show.....oh wait she's only got one arm.
Another hair stylist with a cat and a 50 shades of grey fetish! She'll go home tonight. Sean does not seem like the guy who will humor her.
random girl, random girl, model who immediately has every guy watching the show drooling, and then girl with adoption issues. I'm a little concerned about her well being on this show. The other girls are going to eat her alive. She also has a little dog.
Bring on the limos!
Sean and Chris exchange pleasantries - Chris tells Sean that 25 girls were here specifically because he was the bachelor, confirming that Tierra was full of shit when she squealed during that interview. They're not even trying to pretend anymore on this show.
First girl out is named AshLee. She does a fairly normal introduction. She's lucky she wasn't wearing a nametag, because that capital L would probably get her a return trip in that limo.
Next girl out kisses him, and third girl just happens to have a tissue to wipe it off with.
Some girl uses the term "Holy Toledo" and then calls him "Mr. McSteamy." Eesh.
Handshake girl was cute, but that handshake was awful.
Cruise Ship girl needs to take more cruises to cloudy locations. Her skin looks like she's takes naps in a RonCo food dehydrator.
50 Shades hops out....and she's going home. Guaranteed. The tie thing did not impress him.
There's a girl from Seattle that reminds me of Neela from ER. She calls him a "hunk." No chance.
Robyn the nerd goes for the handstand and......apparently she thought she was on another ABC show....Wipeout. Nerds may rule the world, but they do not rule the driveway.
Paige! From Bachelor Pad! I loved her....I'm hoping she does well here. She plays it pretty cool on the intro, and probably makes a good move by being up front with her Bachelor past immediately. No reason to hide it.
Next comes Tierra, whose opening line is "I just wanted to show that I have a heart on my finger, and it's open." I thought this was some weird metaphor, but nope, she has an actual tattoo of an open heart on her finger. Sean then tells her to hold on. If he gives her a goddamn rose, Sean will never be able to redeem himself in my eyes. She's an absolute moron. But Sean's giving her a rose. He tells Chris he's "clicking with her." HE HASN'T SAID A WORD!!! He also says he's "hoping that giving her a rose doesn't create any tension." So apparently he's a bigger moron than she is.
The girls are pissed. 50 Shades looks like she's going to use that tie for murder rather than fornication. Back to the girls outside.
Amanda has huge teeth. Not in a bad way, but holy smokes her teeth are big and white. They're the Santa Claus beard of teeth. Desiree goes with the pennies to make a wish in the well intro, and I like it. I hope she doesn't melt down, because she's one of my favorites so far, along with Paige and the Model.
Lesley breaks out the football, and it reminds me of this clip that I saw this morning. Turns out she doesn't want to actually play, just look as his butt. Probably smart, her girly throwing motion could've turned him off immediately.
Model is from Wisconsin! Another reason to like her. Her confidence will take her far in this show. After her is another model, who says "hi Ken, I'm Barbie." I don't like this one. Her voice sounds like something from a 976 hotline. I don't like her.
Some Italian girl thinks it's a good joke to threaten bodily harm is he breaks her heart. Get it, she's Italian, her family does mob hits....Not a strong impression.
Bridal girl gets out and says "you may kiss the bride." She's giggling the whole time, clearly embarrassed that she let ABC talk her into this. I wonder if she knows that by agreeing to put on the dress she ended any chance she had of winning. Perhaps she was in it for fame over love. In which case, mission accomplished lady!
Mystery girl has arrived! But first a commercial for the Miss America pageant. Wasn't the Miss Universe pageant last week? No time off on the girly girl circuit, I guess.
Kacie B is our mystery girl. You may remember her from Ben's season....everyone loved her, but her super overprotective and religious family torpedoed her shot at love. Commence the girls freaking out in 3,2,1.....
As I feared, Desiree is already panicking. She doesn't think it's fair because Kacie had her shot at Ben, and why should she get a second shot. So apparently if you've fallen in love before and had it not work out, then you're not allowed to try again with any other men. I'm not looking forward to watching her self destruct, but it's going to happen. Reminds me of Jamie and her awkward lap dance with Ben and subsequent meltdown on Bachelor Pad.
Kacie gets the first one on one time. She's probably thankful that she won't be mentioned as Kacie B for the duration of the show. She says that she didn't expect to be here. Really? You called the show and asked to come on. Where did you think you were going to be? She has a big leg up in that she's already hung out with Sean and they have a familiarity.
Desiree gets her time next, and it goes well enough that Sean hands out a rose. He's like the Johnny Appleseed of roses!!! Kacie rightfully wonders why she didn't get a rose. My guess is that Sean knows there's no chance he's going to forget her name or over extend himself on roses before getting one to her. Desiree is just one of 25 new faces, and not even the only one in a red dress. Better to get her a rose now before you accidentally give one to another girl.
The girls are blowing up over the extra roses. "But we've never seen this happen before on the show!" Remember this statement, because these same girls are going to freak out when he goes on dates with other girls and or they're on a group date, and at least one of them will say "I had no idea it would be this hard!" You should have, because EVERY SEASON SOMEONE SAYS THEY DIDN'T KNOW HOW HARD IT WOULD BE. Girls are freaking out about the roses...Model 2 says "obviously I don't have a rose - I'm empty handed" but it sure sounded to me like she said "empty headed."
The bride is trashed. She's trying to keep it together, but it's never a good idea to talk about your morals while completely drunk and attempting to kiss a guy while wearing a wedding dress. Also, did Sean say somewhere in there that "just because he gives a rose to a girl, it doesn't mean anything?" Why did he give out the roses then? Just to mess with these poor girls heads? Lots of mixed signals from this dude.
50 Shades decides to have a dance party to the music in her head. Anastasia Steele would never drop it like it's hot - she's way out of character. She apparently called her mom when Sean got dumped by Emily and said she'd marry him. Now her mom calls him her son in law. No clue why 50 shades starts dancing when she says this, but OK. Being drunk sure does look like fun sometimes. I mean, there's 26 people trying to keep it together under the pressure of the situation, and she's dancing like Elisabeth Shue in her bedroom. Maybe she's trying for the "this girl's so crazy we need to keep her around for ratings" rose. If so, she's definitely in the lead for that one.
Taryn, who is from Oregon, is trying to play the "I'm too much of a lady to interrupt another girl for attention." Basically saying "the guys come to me." Well, there's only one guy here. She declares herself a "hot mess." At least she's self aware.
One armed girl is getting emotional and saying that guys see that she only has one arm and assume that there's going to be more emotional work. Having one arm is a challenge that I can't imagine facing, but if you don't want people to think you're emotional, you can't act emotional. Sean then gives her a rose, and suddenly he loves her and she's good enough for love and on and on and on. A pessimist would say that he only gave her a rose BECAUSE she has one arm and is probably sensitive about that, so he threw her a bone - really, really awful pun intended. I'm probably going to hell for that line, but there it is. Look, if you don't want people to treat you differently based on some characteristic you have, stop drawing attention to it.
Chris Harrison continues on his quest to overstate everything - saying Sean is "the most sincere" bachelor ever and "is here for one thing and one thing only." The man could sell ice to Eskimos. Time for the rose ceremony. Kacie gets her rose, as I predicted. Also as I predicted, 50 shades and model 2 go home. Taryn the non interrupter gets a rose and puts herself in strong competition with Desiree for most insecure. Desi didn't cry (that honor went to Taryn). Paige again gets the boot way earlier than she deserved. Sean's an idiot. Cruise ship girl is already over Sean, she's worried about what the next guy she dates is going to think about her singing a song for Sean and then not getting a rose. Model 2 says "the disappointment is there, but the devastation - I try not to let it sink in, but it does. It hurts!" Wow.
A pretty entertaining first two hours! 50 Shades exit video was awesome. Shame she lost the crazy girl rose to the Bride, because she was at least 50% crazier. At least.
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