Bachelor - SWITZERLAND!!!

And we're off!  Ben tells us the adventure has been an incredible journey, starting us off with the rare double cliche.  All that was missing was "what better place to fall in love than...."  ABC shows us Ben on the plane as he reminisces about all the women.  Nicki's up first.  Ben stares out the window as he thinks longingly about all the times he kissed Nicki.  And there were a lot of times.  Next up is Lindzi.  Ben tells us she's a little bit country and a little bit city.  He forgot that she's a little part horsey.  That was mean...Lindzi's not in any way horse like, but her whole family worships horses, so it kinda works.  Courtney's recollections involve her acting ditzy, seductive, and a little bit bitchy.  She's like all parts crazy and no parts normal.  Good times.  Ben says she's nerdy, but I think he's forgotten the meaning of the word nerdy.  I don't think there's anything Nerdy about Courtney.  Finally, Ben's plane lands in Switzerland.  Ben tells us that "this country is majestic" and that he "loves it here."  What, does he take long weekends here?  How does he know he loves it?  Also, were we supposed to believe that he spent the entire flight thinking longingly about the women and weighing the gravity of the decision he's about to make?  Apparently.  That's what a normal person would do.  My guess is they got the shot of Ben staring out the window in about the first five minutes, then he watched "Dude, Where's My Car?" like six times.  Yeah, I think this guy's a moron.  Bring on the ladies already!

First up is Nicki.  She wants to know what they're doing on their date.  Was it really a question?  You're in a picturesque country, that means a HELICOPTER RIDE!  Nicki says she's very excited, because this is her second helicopter ride ever, and it's with Ben!  Wasn't her first helicopter ride with Ben too?  Also, why is flying in a helicopter so exciting?  You've gotta wear earmuffs because it's so noisy and it's not like the seats are super comfortable.  The A-Team wasn't sipping champagne and thinking about love when they were fighting in Vietnam, I'll tell you that much.  Helicopters are machines of convenience, not luxury.  To me, helicopter rides sound about as romantic as an MMA fight.  Nicki also thinks that Switzerland is majestic.  Were they coached up by the production team? Possibly.  She also says she feels like they're the only two people in the country.  Perhaps because you're flying over uninhabitable land, sweetheart.  There's no people visible because NO LIFE CAN EXIST THERE! Probably a metaphor for their relationship...I think she's going home tonight.  As they sit up on a mountaintop waiting for Julie Andrews to serenade them (and I wouldn't put it past ABC to dust her off) they talk about their families and make out.  Ben, after kissing her, whispers "so peaceful" which seems a strange comment.  They then give off the most insecure yells ever, for no apparent reason.  Nicki says she'd love to scream that she loves him from the mountaintop.  However, she doesn't.  Why?  Probably because she's not really in love with him.  Ah well.  I will say this, they are seeing a view that not many people will ever get to see in person, and I'm slightly jealous. 

Nicki's excited because she's had "the best day she's had with Ben."  In fairness, they've only had like four days "together."  Not exactly like Switzerland day has a lot to stack up against.  Ben has a surprise for her, and it's "literally a log cabin."  I'm not sure Ben had a whole lot to do with that surprise sweetie.  Nicki asks Ben how many kids he wants, then immediately follows that up with "is that too much?"  No, that's an appropriate question to ask someone who might propose to you in a week.  Ben says that he's talked a lot about kids with his sister (creepy?  I think it's a little creepy.)  Apparently they've talked a lot about it after the death of their father.  Apparently the Flajnik's are worried about their family line being terminated.  Remember these people are in their 20's.   After the formalities of Nicki reading the standard fantasy suite invitation, she excitedly giggles and says "when can we go?"  She then says that she doesn't take this lightly then mentions that it's been 18 months since her husband and her divorced.  I got the distinct impression that she was alluding to the fact that it's been 18 months since she's got her some.  Ben seems equally excited to spend some "alone time" with Nicki.  Since they just spent hours ALONE at the top of a mountain, where there were no people for 50 kilometers (we'll use the metric system, because "when in Europe...."  You see Courtney?  THAT'S WHEN YOU USE THAT SAYING!!!!), I have to believe that Ben said "alone" but meant "naked."  Which brings me to another point -  I still think Nicki goes home after this date. This means that the last date she'll have with Ben will be a tour of the mountains of Switzerland, followed by dinner in a log cabin and sex in a chalet.  He will then dump her.  Futhermore, he knows damn well he's going to dump one of these girls, yet he'll invite all of them to get busy in his fantasy suite/chalet/bungalow/whatever.  Either he knows he's going to sleep with a girl he's dumping, or he's going to use the sex as a tiebreaker.  This show is just not good for a woman's self esteem.  I'd never advise a woman to go on this show.  EVER.  Unless you're just trying to make a name for yourself and "aren't in it for the right reasons."  Then go ahead, but know that someone from back home will rat you out to Chris Harrison, and the whole country will think of you as an egotistical crazy person.  Good luck with that honey.  To my point, Nicki goes into a persuasive argument, laying out how confident she is that she could make Ben happy.  If you're married, did you ever tell your husband/wife "do you know how happy I could make you, if you'd just put a ring on my finger?"  If you have to talk the guy into marrying you, it probably won't work out.  Nicki and Ben have a jacuzzi in their room, and their reaction is something like the Ohio football team finding out they get to wear black jerseys.  Seriously, you're in a fantasy suite.  Of course it has a jacuzzi tub!  Rachel and I had a tub like that in our room at the Salbasgeon Suites after our wedding.  It's not really anything to get worked up about.

Lindzi's up next.  I love that Ben's got gloves and a heavy coat on, and Lindzi's got like a thin long sleeved jacket thingy.  Ben, apparently upset that Lindzi's making him look like a wussy, wants to know where her coat is.  Turns out Interlaken is the extreme sports capital of Europe, according to Ben.  According to Google, it's either Interlaken, Chamonix, or Eastern Spain.  We'll give him partial points.  However, he seems to have no clue what they're doing on the date....as he says "I have no idea what's in store."  This is in stark contrast with him saying "I have an adrenaline date planned for us" to Lindzi not more than two minutes before.  As usual, Ben and I have different interpretations of a word....this time it's "planned."  I also like that when asked how high up they are, their guide starts to say about 100 meters, before catching himself and saying "300 feet."  Way to acquiesce to the Americans, who are too stupid to do simple conversions.  Our country's ignorance is staggering sometimes.  Lindzi makes the standard comparison of extreme sports and relationships - and let me just reiterate how mind bogglingly stupid this is.  You ever see the people who do extreme sports?  They're addicts...usually adrenaline, but I'd be willing to bet that a good number abuse other substances as well.  You think those people are fun to be married to?  Nope...they end up marrying other addicts.  Anyways, Lindzi and Ben rappell off into marriage or something.  They keep talking about how death defying this is, but they're HOLDING HANDS as they do it.  Anything that you can do one handed while focusing more on the face of the person you're trying to bone down in a fantasy suite later that night is NOT death defying.  Ben drops his "oh my dad" line again, only this time he doesn't elaborate on it.  I really wonder what Lindzi thought when he said that. 

I love that Lindzi refers to herself as the "Ice Queen."  I'm not sure I ever got that from her, given that she excitedly announced Ben as her boyfriend to her parents when they met.  Ben says she's more affectionate, which means she's sitting half naked on his lap in a hot tub.  Ben does most of his thinking below the waist.  Time for dinner.  Lindzi is wearing the most conservative dinner dress in the history of the Bachelor.  Ben's wearing a bow tie.  Lindzi gives one of the more rational and measured responses ever to the question "what helped you open up to me?"  She seems like she's got a good head on her shoulders, despite the fact that her parents are time travelling colonialists and she dated text message dumpers.  She then follows that up with "I'm hoping this ends with a proposal."  Bold.  Ben capitalizes on the moment by offering her the fantasy suite.  She says "normally I don't just go stay the night with anyone, but I'd love to."  Lindzi, this is your boyfriend honey.  You said so yourself.  He's not some guy you met in the bar who just licked his finger and touched your sleeve and asked if you wanted to go get out of those wet clothes.  She then comments on the quality of the suite's key, to which Ben replies "it's the key to my heart."  I think Ben's heart just turned to cheese.  That was awful.  This leads to them making out on the fantasy suite bed and Ben pulling her dress up so high that I think it's safe to say Lindzi wasn't wearing bikini cut underwear.  I think Lindzi's gonna cringe when she sees that.  The world pretty much just saw the (former) Ice Queen's right buttcheek. 

Time for Courtney!! Do we still see contrite, apologetic Courtney, or do we get the slightly unhinged egomaniac?  So far, we've got good Courtney, which is bad for the blog.  We don't like normal people here at Snacks Tracks.  Ben says that there's something intimate about a train.  I take it he hasn't seen "Unstoppable."  He then points out the glacier, conveniently leaving out the fact that he felw up there with Nicki.  Maybe he's not quite as dumb as I thought.  Courtney seems to think that their life together would be travelling and riding trains and eating swiss cheese.  Nope, you'll be stomping on grapes and tending the vines at the winery, sweetie.  Ben and Courtney then play a game of "Hey Cow," which is a game Ben just made up.  At least I hope he just made it up, because it's an awful game.  You yell at a cow and if it acknowledges you, you win.  I guess it's a better game than "Duck, Cow!" where you throw a rock at it. 

Courtney then brings up the other girls, which was a little bit of a switch.  Ben presses her, and she goes into the whole "they were asking for it!" defense.  Ben basically says "whatever, you were a bitch" but then drops it.  He says they'll talk about it later.  The mood's definitely changed on this date.  Courtney seems to be owning it a little, but continues to refer to the other women as "these girls" which seems a bit dismissive.  Hard to tell if she really means it or not.  She's saying all the right things, but that's kind of the problem.  It seems like what Ben wants to hear rather than something REAL.  Ben says that he has "lots of women friends" in his life, and he's worried about Courtney fitting in to that.  I love that to illustrate his point that he has lots of women friends, he references his mom and his sister.  I'm not sure that those are the women friends that Courtney is going to be jealous of, Benjamin.  I was happy to hear them acknowledge that it was incredibly petty for Courtney to say "see ya, wouldn't want to be ya!" when Emily was let go, because it really got glossed over when it happened. 

Courtney gets the fantasy suite offer, and then immediately flips it on Ben and asks him what he thinks about it.  It's strange that someone who's handled herself so poorly thoughout this "journey" can also be the one who handles herself the best.  Courtney's "confessional videos" have gone from "winning" to "love."  If she'd acted like this the entire time, it'd be interesting to see how America would view her.

And now a sneak peak of Emily's season!  You all remember Emily.  She got engaged at 19.  Her fiance was killed in a plane crash.  She's a single mom.  She says that her life has gone back to normal since she broke up with Brad.  Well, what better time to uproot everything and go back on a reality show!  Before we feel too terribly for Emily being a single mom....do you see the house she's living in?  I think she's doing alright.  Emily then flies out to LA to hang out with Ali and Ashley, the last two bachelorettes.  You'd think, rather than fly the single mom to LA, they'd fly the two without kids to her in Charlotte.  After the girls get all slutty for a day on the town (except Ali, who looks fairly classy.)  The fact that these three are wearing 3D glasses and watching Titanic together is killing me.  Nobody looks good in 3D glasses.  Ashley compares Jack and Rose's relationship to hers and JP's.  Kill me now.  She just compared her turn on the bachelor to the most romantic movie of our generation.  JP and Ashley's first date was right after the Bentley fiasco.  She moped all over the Bachelor Manison while JP rubbed her back and said "Awww, poor baby."  That's EXACTLY how I remember Titantic!!

Kacie's back to tell Ben that Courtney is evil!  Thank Ben's Dad they didn't send Emily back there again.  He already dismissed her warnings about Courtney twice, to fly her halfway around the world to get dismissed again would've probably shattered that poor woman.  Although maybe she would've gotten her point across better if she'd worked it into one of her super awesome raps.  Kacie seems super nervous, but I'm not sure why.  When she starts talking though, it all comes clear.  I thought she was coming just to talk about Courtney, but she wants an explanation on why she got dumped.  Ben says "it was your family" without saying "it was your family."  Kacie is making some really salient points here....things like "it's up to me if I move in with you, not my parents." Ben, not wanting to give her any more hope of a reconciliation, just says "I'm sorry" and leaves it at that.  Kacie, now realizing that he's not going to take her back, tries to take Courtney down with her.  She goes back to Courtney saying "if it's not Ben, there's other fish in the sea," which not at all what she said, at least in the context that Kacie took it.  If you'll remember, Courtney basically said that the other women should cheer up because "Ben's not the only fish in the sea."  In other words, don't feel bad that he's going to pick me, you'll find love with someone else.  If Courtney goes home based on Kacie's speech, Ben's going to regret it when he watches that episode.  Kacie, so emotionally spent from the conversation, lies down in the middle of a Swiss hotel hallway.  How awesome would it be to see a woman lying in the hallway of a hotel with a bunch of cameras surrounding her?  I'm not sure that telling your ex boyfriend that his current girlfriend is a bitch is a situation that requires a public collapsing, but ok. 

Ben sits down with Chris, who has the most awesome job in television.  He's a household name, and all he does is show up on tv for five minutes a week and say "ladies, welcome to Borneo!" or "this is the final rose tonight." Way to carve out a place in this world for yourself buddy.  Anyone in the world could do his job, yet he's the one that gets to do it.  You know that question where you're asked "who would you like to have at your dinner party, if you could have anyone you wanted?"  I think Chris Harrison would be at my dinner.  I'd love to pick his brain and see if he actually knows anything, or is just a guy with perfect teeth.  FYI, I think I'd also like to have dinner with George Bush, Melissa Joan Hart, George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and Magic Johnson. 

I love that Kacie's return has confused Ben so much.  Again, he completely dismissed Emily's warnings, but Kacie's got to him this much?  Remember that Kacie was in competition with Courtney, which kind of makes her opinion biased.  It's very strange that he's putting this much stock in her comments....which makes me think that ABC's kind of fabricated this storyline.  Well I know that they have, because I guarantee Kacie didn't shell out the money to fly to Switzerland herself.  I still think Nicki's going home, which is apparently in ancient Greece given the dress she's wearing.  After an insanely long pause, Ben sends Nicki home.  This might be the first rose ceremony that Courtney's hugged the departing woman.  I also love that Ben has the time to talk to Nicki this week where he didn't have last week with Kacie.  Although given that Ben basically said "you're amazing, I had a great time with you every moment we spent together, but I had doubts," I'm not sure that the talking is better than just cutting her loose.  Although by talking to her, he doesn't have to worry about her showing up at the altar next week to demand an explanation, a la Kacie.  Nicki does a fairly good job of holding it together in the limo...although I think she's about thisclose to saying "F*CKING COURTNEY??? ARE YOU SERIOUS???" 

The blog will take a break next week for "The Women Tell All" because, honestly, I think this thing would be about 450,000 words if I tried to write down everything that I was thinking during it.

Bachelor - Ben Meets the Parents

Time for one of my favorite episodes of any Bachelor season.  Hometown dates.  Ben gets to visit the families of his four "lucky" ladies:  Courtney, Kacie, Lindzi, and Nicki.  This episode will have to go a long way to beat the best hometown date ever:  Ali meeting Kirk's dad and his taxidermy hobby.  It featured my favorite stuffed animal of all time:  Squirrel holding a Raspberry.  Don't watch that whole link unless you want to subjected to the comments of a redneck family as they watch the bachelorette.  Sadly, it's the best only clip I could find of Mr. Squirrel on youtube.  Back to this season, my prediction is that Nicki goes home.  I just don't see her tickling Ben's fancy like the other girls.

Lindzi's hometown is in Florida.  I'm suprised because she's a bit of a country girl...and she currently lives in Seattle.  Does she really have that many horses?  Good lord, how much money does her family have?  She looks good at home in her "regular clothes."  Too many times the girls end up wearing just ridiculous outfits trying to outdress the competition.  It's refreshing to see her in her own element, and I don't think she's ever looked better.  I'm still trying to fathom how the only other guy to meet Lindzi's family dumped her via text message.  How is it possible to misread a situation so badly that you feel you love a guy who can't even break up with you in person, much less the most classless text message ever? 

Lindzi is talking about her past relationships, and Ben is acting like she just told him the location of the Holy Grail.  In Bachelor-land, the way to "open up" to someone is to tell them you got dumped by someone you really cared about.  To me, opening up would be saying "I'm scared that you're going to dump me," or "I think I like you about half as much as you like me."  You know, THINGS THAT ARE HARD TO HEAR.  Kacie telling Ben she had an eating disorder - that'd qualify as opening up.  Revealing that you dated someone else in the past is something everyone's done.  Now is she was physically or verbally abused, or he cheated on her with her sister....now that's opening up. 

Seriously though...where does she live?  I feel like I'm watching the sequel to The Patriot.  I keep waiting for Mel Gibson's daughter to break her silence and yell "Papa don't go!".  It's like a late 18th century plantation! I also love that Lindzi had no clue her parents got married at San Francisco's City Hall, where she and Ben had their first date.  How could this not be common knowledge?  She never saw a picture and asked "hey, where's that?"  Blows my mind.   Her dad doesn't do anything to quash the 18th century idea when he announces that the tradition around the house is to have "carriage races."  This carriage race is about as ridiculous as you'd expect.  Some families play H-O-R-S-E in the driveway, these people race horses in the South Field.  Unbelievable.  Lindzi's dad says that trash talking is encouraged, and then tells Ben to "lay it on him."  How do you trash talk a carriage race?   Not well apparently:  Her dad's version of trash talking is to say "and the winner is...the old people."  I get the feeling that Lindzi led a very sheltered life growing up.  Maybe this explains the move all the way across the country to Seattle. 

Lindzi's mom sits down with Ben and all but confirms the sheltered life theory when she says "we kept her away from boys and kept her focused on the horses."  I'm beginning to see how she could misread the text message dumper.  Ben talks to Lindzi's dad and starts it by saying "I'm not ready to propose to anyone yet."  As a father, I don't know how I'd react to a guy telling me he doesn't want to propose to my daughter YET, but if he gets to that point, could he marry her?  Such a chicken-crap move.  Takes all the pressure off asking if you make it into a hypothetical.  I can't fathom looking a man in the eye and saying "I'm not asking to marry your daughter, but if I was, what would you say?"  I'll bet ABC mandates that you ask the dad this question without tipping your hand for television purposes, but I'd phrase it something like "would you have a problem with me pursuing a long term relationship with your daughter?"  All in all, it seems like everyone was pretty happy with how that meeting went.  I'd say Lindzi is safe.

Off to Tennessee for Kacie's date!  I love that Kacie meets him at a high school football field named for Buster Boguskie.  Who was Buster Boguskie?  Well a quick Google search lets me know that he was a minor league baseball player.  Kacie's got a marching band and her baton...which would be impressive if she hadn't already done the baton twirling thing back in Sonoma.  We already know you can twirl the stick Kacie.  Turns out that Buster was Kacie's grandfather!  I don't know why, but this is kind of cool to me.  We find out that Kacie's grandparents had a love that rivalled that of Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling in the Notebook or something.  Also, Kacie's dad doesn't drink and is a probation officer.  I love that Ben is nervous because Papa B. doesn't drink.  Makes me hope that Jocelyn's future suitors are nervous of me for the same reason - mostly because they'll have absolutely no other reason to fear me.  Ben seems to think that because he makes wine and Papa B. doesn't drink, they'll have nothing in common.  Seems a bit narrow minded on his part.

We finally meet the family....I love the awkward hug Ben had with Kacie's sister.  He didn't even look at her!  It's almost like he didn't even want to be tempted.  Kacie tells her sis that Ben is her "future husband."  Kacie's dad asks why he's kept Kacie around to this point, and Ben vaguely answers "she's surprised me....the way she communicates."  Not exactly a ringing endorsement.  Ben then says the words every dad wants to hear:  "I have strong feelings for your daughter, as well as some of these other women."  I think Kacie's dad has heard enough:  He essentially says "send my daughter home now if you're not going to propose to her."  Ben nods and moves on to parent #2.  Mom says she has a "big issue" with them potentially moving in together.  Kacie's parents aren't doing her any favors here.  But good for them though...I have to respect the fact that they're voicing their opinions and not just beating around the bush a little.  They're just saying "if you get picked, don't say yes to a proposal until you've had time to date him a little more."  It's probably along the lines of something that I'd say if someone wanted to marry my daughter after six weeks of polyamorous dating.  Strangest part of the date was the end, when Kacie's dad, instead of waving goodbye, gives more of a Nazi salute.  What was that?  I'd say Kacie's chances of winning took a huge hit right there.  Lindzi's family may still churn butter and own slaves employ a bunch of servants, but at least they're not doing this:

Kacie's Dad gave one of these before sending the couple out the door.  Ooof.

Ben loves Texas.  Texas horses, Texas steer, and Texas Nicki.  Not Texas flowers, or rivers, or anything...Nicki is like livestock to Ben.  Yipes.  I get what Ben is saying though...I spent a weekend in Texas a few years ago and I loved it.  It's almost like a different country.  Nicki takes Ben to a western outfitter shop where they buy some country gear.  Ben says he's always wanted cowboy boots.  Why he didn't buy the white boots with the snakes on them is beyond me, because those were awesome.  Instead he buys one of the nerdiest cowboy outfits every known to man.  He looks incredibly uncomfortable.  I get the feeling Nicki is trying to make Ben fit into her life a little bit.  Ben keeps saying that things keep getting better with Nicki.  They sure like to kiss.  Has he kissed anyone like that all season?  Get a room guys!  I think I'm a little surprised, because I haven't seen anything close to this physical attraction between the two of them all season.  I'm starting to rethink my "Nicki goes home" prediction just a little bit. 

I love the conversation with her mom where they're sitting on the bed giggling like a couple school girls, until they showed Nicki's mom rubbing Nicki's leg while they're talking.  Is this something moms do with their daughters?  Seemed kind of odd, especially given the poncho that Mama is wearing.  The conversation with her dad is more of a parent/child conversation.  He seems like a good guy, and my heart went out to him since he feels it's his fault that she got divorced inasmuch that he never should've given his blessing.  Seems like a fantastic guy.  Add Nicki's dad to things to like about Texas....along with livestock.  In the end, he gives his blessing.  Nicki's brother doesn't get much screen time, but does say that he "actually likes the guy." 

Nicki steals Ben to say that she loves him and wants the San Francisco life.  Ben doesn't respond and looks a little scared.  They then make out, holding hands in much the same way that Nicki was holding hands with her mom on the same bed a little earlier in the night.  CREEPY.  Nicki then says that "if it's this good now, why can't it be this good forever?"  Umm...isn't this the same girl that said back in the first episode that "four years into my (first) marriage, things changed and the passion wasn't there anymore."  So there's your answer Nicki.  That's how things could not be as good as the first two months of travelling the world and taking helicopter rides and chocolate baths together. 

Now it's time for the main event...meeting Courtney's family.  Courtney tries to explain that she feels badly about how she's treated the other girls.  Reading between the lines, I think what she's trying to say is that the combination of constant alcohol and competition has made her mean.  I guess I can get that.  She definitely seems happier and less icy at her house with her family.  So maybe I'll give her the benefit of the doubt....for now.  Courtney also says that she's never been with  a guy who didn't hurt her or let her down in some way. That makes sense, since she'd probably still be dating a guy if things were good. 

Courtney's dad gives the marriage is a gamble with only a 50% chance of winning.  The whole family is obsessed with winning!  Courtney's dad almost exudes more confidence that Courtney does!  Ben kind of dances around the gambling question...I would've answered that question with "with all due respect sir, when I decide to get married, it's not going to be a gamble.  I'm not going to propose unless I'm sure it's going to be for the long haul."  What dad isn't going to want to hear that?  I'm a little bored with Courtney's family, which is disappointing.  They were perhaps the most normal family out of the four, if you can believe that.  Nicki's parents are divorced (which by definition makes them dysfunctional) even if they were pretty nice people.  Kacie's parents were closet Nazis who still live by 1950's social standards, and Lindzi's parents have carriage races.  To be honest, Ben probably fits in the best with Courtney's family.  They seem kind of arrogant and simple too.   For the non family portion of the date, Courtney takes Ben to a wedding....theirs.  Didn't Ashley spring this gambit on William in Vegas on the last season of the Bachelorette?  It's a little corny, but I think everyone would admit that if they hadn't seen any other episode this season, they'd think that Ben and Courtney were a pretty good couple.  I'd bet there's more than a few ladies watching tonight who don't want to admit this, but they smiled while Courtney was stumbling over her vows and rocking back and forth out of nervousness.  It was actually pretty sweet.  She wasn't that happy all season long.  If she's acting, she's doing a hell of a good job.  I'm convinced she actually loves him.  In fact, I think I'd say that the love she is feeling is more real than the love the other women are feeling.  It just seems more "real" to me than the puppy love aspect the other girls seem to be feeling.

By the way, what is the deal with that JC Penney commercial with the little kid dressed as Abraham Lincoln rapping while Billie Holiday sings about having her love to keep us warm?  Is this a President's Day reference?  That commercial almost annoys me as much as the Viagra one I blogged about this morning.

Back in LA, Ben and Chris have their first sit down talk of the season.  Ben recaps all the dates and gives a bit of his afterthoughts.  Ben doesn't say much that we didn't already know, although I loved that he says he loves that Nicki and him can "hit a few stores and have a couple beers and call it a night."  Who can you not do this with?  Does this mean that a few of the women give off the impression that they need a helicopter ride and candlelit catered dinner by the ocean every night?  I'm confused.  We do get the classic scene of Ben in a darkened room looking at a makeshift shrine with framed pictures of the four women.  Assuming that he already knows who he's sending home, this seems incredibly mean.  "Here stare at the picture of the woman you're about to make cry for a few more minutes and make us believe that you're still considering keeping all of them."  If I were rating the dates, I'd say it went Courtney, Nicki, Lindzi and Kacie, although Kacie got no help from her family.  You'd hope that Ben would be able to separate his relationship with Kacie, from her relationship with her family....but this is Ben we're talking about.

Chris really whips the girls up into a lather before the rose ceremony.  His job is to make them as emotionally unstable as possible.  Fantastic.  Ben angers all of female America by giving Courtney the first rose.  Sorry ladies, she's around for at least another week.  You know who's not?  Kacie!  Done in by her parents.  Awful.  I loved that the other girls go in for a hug and Courtney gives her trademark "yikes" face and awkwardly twirls her rose.   Ben walks Kacie out, one would assume to comfort her.  Instead, he says "I'm so sorry, this breaks my heart."  At least he didn't give her the "our relationship could never get to the level I have with other women" line.  If the guy can't even offer you a reason for breaking up with you, you're better off without him Kacie.  High comedy when she blurts out "What the f*ck happened!" twice.  Your parents happened Kacie.  They set up some serious obstacles that the other women didn't have.  Sure would've liked to have a camera on that first conversation she had with her parents after that.  Gotta be hard as a parent to to balance what you think is right with what your daughter wants and/or thinks is right.  This morning I said to a few coworkers that I couldn't wait for Jocie to grow up a little bit as the "baby" stage isn't my favorite, but after watching this, I'm thinking she can stay a baby as long as she wants.  No chance she'll go on  a reality show as long as she's in diapers.....I think.

Today in Bad Advertising

Saw this commercial this morning, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.  It's having the same effect on my brain that leftover KFC has on my stomach - it's just sitting there, a constant reminder that I could've made a much smarter decision than the one I made...in this case watching a Viagra commercial.

Where do I begin on this thing?  First off, the guy is driving a forty year old car through the desert.  To say that the thing overheated was a "curveball" is a bit of a stretch.  That almost seems like a near certainty to me.  The voiceover guy then goes on to say that this is the "age of knowing how to get things done."  Apparently you have to be over 50 to know to pull into a gas station when your car overheats.  Also, he then drops a couple bucks on a liter of water to put in his radiator.  Again, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that if your car is overheating, you should put some fluid in the radiator.  I've known this since I was 16, which is also known as the "age of thinking you know how to get things done, but really you're a moron who won't figure things out for at least another decade."  Also, we're supposed to believe that this guy was lucky enough to overheat right next to the one gas station in the desert of nothingness, yet at the same time was able to find the one gas station with a garage that doesn't have antifreeze?  Let's not act like this guy is MacGyver because he used bottled water at a gas station to cool his car down.  I once saw my grandpa use apple juice to cool down his overheated LTD in the middle of 99W in downtown Tigard.  If you wanted to show this guy "knowing how to get things done," why didn't we see him chop open a cactus to get the water using a makeshift hatchet he made out of a golf club, trapper keeper, and duct tape?   I also love that he big-times the grandfatherly mechanic working at the station.  I'll give this a pass, since there's a real possibility that the old-timer is at the "age of used to know how to get things done, but now just talks about the time he drag raced Steve McQueen down Sunset Highway in a '64 Corvette Stingray."

Then the commercial gets really nutty.  Where was this guy going?  Was he just out for a weekend drive by himself?  Given today's gas prices, this seems extremely nutty.  We'll assume that the drive was at least four hours long, to account for it going from daylight to pitch black.  He also appears to live in either Arizona or California (judging from the green treed neighborhood he lives in, I'm leaning towards California).  He's driving a classic sports car (that overheated) and he's a "man's man," so it's a good bet he was driving a little faster than the speed limit.  Let's say in four hours, he put 260 miles on the car (an average of 65 MPH.)   For that car, I'd guess he averages around 10 MPG and has a fuel tank capacity of around 20 gal.  At California gas prices ($4.00/gal) he just paid over $100 for the drive (excluding the cost of the water to fill his radiator.)  That's a pretty expensive drive. The wry smile he has as he pulls into the garage suggests he's planning on getting busy with the missus shortly after getting home.  However, he just dropped a C-note to basically get away from his wife for the afternoon.  I'm assuming the kids aren't home, because I can't envision any scenario where it'd be a good idea to have Viagra aided sex while there are teenage kids in the house, unless of course you want your kids to end up in therapy.  Now, I'm not implying that this guy has a rocky marriage because he took a day to himself to drive his car.  I just find it a little hard to believe that your wife is going to be "in the mood" after you just said you needed a day to yourself, and then popped some Viagra.  This is a common theme in Viagra commercials.  They usually show guys doing guy things like driving classic cars or jamming with their buddies in a garage or something.  These are the things that most wives are going to roll their eyes at, not go "you know, I'd like to have sex with that guy right now."  You know who thinks that being a man and doing manly things is sexy?   Young single girls.  Wives think finally painting the fence is sexy.  They think cooking them dinner and drawing them a bath is sexy.  Cialis at least has the right idea.  They usually show a couple in their 50's or 60's spending a relaxing day together before the supposed moment of consummation.  Although I find it funny that they usually end the day soaking in separate bathtubs in random locations where you typically would not find a bathtub.  Kinda hard to have sex when you're in separate bathtubs.   

Anyways, I just spent an insane amount of time researching and breaking down a one minute erectile dysfunction drug commercial.  So the moral of the story is, as always.....

.....my job can be painfully slow sometimes.

The Bachelor - And Then There Were Four

To borrow a line from Chris Harrison, "You better Belize it!"  Bachelor heads deeper into the center of Central America tonight, and we get the tease of Courtney being hated on by the other women.  Ben apparently listens to the other girls, which can't make Emily feel good since she was on her own in calling Courtney out WEEKS ago. 

Ben says "the feelings of love are there" but he's "not ready to tell anyone that."  Very manly of you Ben.  Nicki says this is the most crucial week and that the stakes are higher than ever.  It's a nice sentiment, but untrue.  The stakes are the same as they've always been.  You betta wow Ben or he'll dump you.  Same ol' same ol'.  The one on one dates carry no roses this week, but the group date does.  The women on the group date are already going to feel like they're behind the 8-ball because Ben didn't pick them for a solo date, and now there's a guaranteed hometown riding on it.  Should make for some crazy desperation.  Nicki's already starting to crack.....she's crying just thinking about Lindzi getting the first one on one.  I hope she gets thrown in the group date.

Emily thinks that Ben looks like a piece of cheesecake in swimtrunks or something like that, and gives a pouty face as Lindzi heads off for some helicopter based activities.  I think that might be an insult to the cheesecake's intelligence.  Look, a deep hole in the ocean!  Lindzi, who seems to have no problem riding in a helicopter with the door open, suddenly is terrified of heights!  I'm starting to think that it's a requirement that you be afraid of heights, or at least have no qualms about lying your ass off to America.  After about of a minute of contrived tension (in which Lindzi says "I could die in two seconds...just like in a relationship....") they make the completely safe and undramatic drop into the water.  I believe this is the first "death defying" stunt that he's pulled with Lindzi, meaning that they're FINALLY ready for a relationship.  Lindzi has now successfully shown that she can "go with the flow."  I don't like hating on Lindzi, because she truly seems to be the most competent person left in this wacky competition.  Alas, she's not leaving me much choice.  She says Ben is "very sexy" driving through the waters of Belize.  Classic girl move of confusing the setting with the man.  The man equivalent is finding a girl infinitely more sexy just because she was there when you see your favorite sports team hit a game winning basket.  Ben is kind of holding back - he keeps saying that their date is "great."  I guess it's better than "rad," but I'm still not seeing much emotion on Ben's part.  Then again, that may be because he's essentially a cardboard cutout that came to life. 

Back at the house, Kacie B. thinks Courtney sucks because she claims to be in a relationship with Ben.  Kacie takes this to mean that Courtney thinks the other girls aren't in one with Ben.  Another classic insecurity move - hearing something that wasn't said.  Courtney couldn't win over the other girls even if she tried right now.....not something she needs to worry about anyways.  Courtney's school of thought now seems to be that if they're going to accuse you of murder, you might as well murder someone. 

Ben and Lindzi are writing a fairy tale.  The fairy tale turns out to be a very horrible synopsis of their relationship to this point.  Ben makes an eternal promise to always be honest with her.  He then follows that up by telling the camera that he's falling in love with Lindzi.  He does not, however, tell the woman that he just eternally promised to tell the truth to.  At least not on camera.  This is where I differ from ABC...I think it'd be fascinating to see Ben tell one girl that she's "the one" while internally struggling to act interested in the other girls.  Wouldn't it be great to see Ben say "I'm really struggling with who to take on this one on one date because I'm really not that interested in any of the girls left."  Wouldn't it change your perception of the dates if you knew he didn't really like her?  You'd have a better idea of when he's just being nice out of respect for the girl.  Or imagine he goes into a date 90% sure the girl's going home, then something happens on the date that convinces him to keep her around for another week.  That'd be really interesting to me.  Ah, if only....

Courtney is still bitter about Emily talking to Ben about her antics.  I loved her sarcastic "see you laterrrrrrrr" as Emily walked out.  Such a bitchy thing that is better left unsaid
Ben, rather than pick up Emily, makes her take a plane by herself across the country.  I don't know why he didn't take the plane trip with her....seems like a good time to sit and talk and get to know a girl you're evidently trying to establish if there's any long term relationship potential with.  I think this is a very bad sign for Emily, and probably means she's going home. 

Emily may be a PhD student, but she's an idiot if she thinks this lobster diving trip is "spontaneous."  The whole conversation with the lobsterman was obviously preplanned. 

Lobsters are crazy fast!  I had no clue.  Ben catches the world's slowest lobster ever...either that or the Ben took the lobster on a date and it said "you know what?  Being boiled alive sounds pretty good right about now.  Get a pot!"  We then see the same footage of a hook grabbing a lobster tail, followed by a quick cutshot to Emily holding the lobster!  Are we supposed to think she caught that?  I'm constantly blown away that Ben can take the most interesting or exciting date ideas and make them look so goddamn boring.  He's the fun killer.  Ben "Fun Killer" Flajnik.  Has a nice ring to it. 

Courtney, for all her braggadocio, is just as insecure as the next girl.  She takes the fact that Ben took Emily on a date as a sign that he has no feelings for her.  I guess her reasoning is that Ben knows how much she hates Emily, and that he's doing this to get under her skin.  For the love of God, did you not know that he'd be going on dates with other women?  Courtney, for the second time this season, threatens to reject a rose if she doesn't get what she wants.  She accepted a rose last time without knowing if Ben was sending Shawntel home or not, so I have no reason to believe she is serious this time.

Ben says that his date with Emily is "great" too, so he doesn't tip his hand one way or another yet.  Emily takes a question about if she's comfortable bringing Ben home to meet her family, and somehow manages to mention Courtney in her answer.  Her answer is way too long, but she wraps it up nicely by extending a formal invitation to Ben to come meet her family.  She has no control of the situation, but I like that she at least tried to give off the allusion that it was her choice to have him meet her family.  Points for her.

Back at the ranch.  Courtney says that if she doesn't get a one on one it shows that "he doesn't think much of our relationship."  I can't tell if she really believes this, or that she wants to plant that seed in the other women's head about their own relationships with Ben.  It's a brilliant move if it's the latter.  Sadly, we again don't get to find out if Courtney will follow through on her vow to decline a rose, because she's picked to go on the last one on one date.  She says a bunch of things like "he must've heard me....he knows what's best for him after all!"  I take it as a sort of a joke on her part, sort of how you say "he must've heard me!" when you yell at the TV for Metta World Peace to pass the ball to Kobe while he appears to be mulling over shooting a 35 foot jumper. 

Courtney continues her scorched Earth policy by saying "can't stand you all!" under her breath while she's leaving for her date.  She's a huge bitch....I get it.  Ben is apologetic for how long it's taken to get back to her....he's extremely whipped.  Ben says that "we're walking through the jungle when we come across a giant temple reaching towards the sun."  I'm not sure if we're supposed to believe that this wasn't their destination all along, but I have very little faith that Ben and Courtney were sent off into the jungle without knowing exactly where this temple was.  Courtney goes back  to her old "I had a tough day because you haven't been showing me the love lately."  You know when that line works?  WHEN THE GUY ISN'T DATING FIVE OTHER WOMEN!"  He's got options you know.  Options that don't chastise him for going through the process of establishing if he has feelings for these other girls.  Amazingly, her antics work, because Ben is falling all over himself to apologize for something he shouldn't have to apologize for.  Until this moment, I didn't think Courtney would ultimately win.  I thought he was taking her along for the ride because she was hot and liked to get naked with him, but now I think he's actually in love with her.  My new prediction is that she's going to be the winner.  Notice how he hasn't called their date "great?"

They then hike to the top of this Mayan ruin, where they take in the breathtaking views.  Ben, ever the wordsmith, says "Oh. My. Dad."  I can't tell if I'm jealous of the relationship he had with his father, or if this is one of the dorkiest things I've ever heard.  I love my dad to death, but I don't think I'd ever insert his name into a saying that usually uses God's name.  That just seems creepy.  When he recites the Pledge of Allegiance, does he say "One nation, under my dad?"  It's awkward for sure. 

I just came to the realization that we could be meeting Courtney's parents next week!  I'm beyond excited to see the people that birthed this crazy bitch.   She doesn't have to win, but for the love of Ben's Dad, ABC, don't take away my chance to meet her parents!  I'm hoping she has some mousy sister that the family treats like Cinderella (pre fairy godmother) or some emo brother that may or may not have a crush on her. 

Back on the date, Courtney tells Ben that she's bent over backwards to be nice to the other girls.....two seconds before she says that they bore the hell out of her and she would never be friends with them in real life.  She then talks about modeling by referring to herself as "the talent" and that she has to make everyone happy.  Despite the fact that Courtney tells Ben that she has to refer to the other ladies as girls because she "doesn't even feel that they're women," Ben says he can't believe that Courtney is two faced in his dealings with the girls.  He's either got the biggest blinders on ever for this girl, or he's a moron.  Or (and this is my choice) both.

Ben's waking the girls up at 4 am for their group date.  Lindzi says that it's "a good thing she wore a shirt to bed....that could've been awkward."  I think it would've been far more awkward if she was sleeping topless in a bed with Nicki.  Also wonder how  they decided who got to share a bed with Courtney.  I think this might be my favorite revelation about the Bachelor...that they make the girls share beds on the road.  Do they make the guys do this on the Bachelorette?  I need to know this stuff!  I may have to send a tweet to Ali Fedotowsky to find out the answer to this.  Ok I just did this. Will let you know if she responds.  I love twitter.  Of course this could lead Ali to see some of the snarky things I said about her season in the past, but then again, if she's just now finding out that Frank was a creepy assbag from my blog, well, then there's not much I can do to help her. 

Ok, back to the group date....shark diving!  This was done as recently as the last season of the Bachelor.  We are told for the 90th time this season that relationships are all about overcoming fears.   Also, Ben tells us that this area has the "highest shark concentration in all of Belize."  That's like saying that your freezer is the coldest place in all of your house.  The girls are pissed that Rachel is scared of sharks.  I like that they're not in cages.  Must be some pretty terrifying sharks.  I'm a little confused by Ben's hanging all over Rachel, but I suppose it makes sense.  You don't want some panicky girl thrashing about scaring the sharks while you're in the water.  It also could be that he knows he's sending her home shortly, so this is his version of a pity date.  He knows he's got more time coming with the other ladies in their hometowns. 

In case you're wondering, Nicki is not afraid to tell the palm trees, sea shells, or the f*ckin' ocean that she's falling for Ben.  Why you'd be afraid to tell a tree your feelings is beyond me.  That was weird.  I just told our ottoman that my wife was the best thing to ever happen to me.  I was pretty nervous about how it would react, but it was very accepting and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted.  Knowing that the ottoman approves of our relationship will really allow me to open up and take my relationship with my wife to the next step.

Kacie B. is also falling in love with Ben.  She knows that he can't say it, but his kisses prove that he's feeling the same way.  FALSE!  Kacie is a master of giving non verbal things and attaching literal meanings to them.  It's a good way to end up disappointed.  Of course, Ben backs up her assumption by giving her the rose.   

For whatever reason, Courtney is allowed to observe the group date from a balcony.  That was weird.  This is a perfect segue into the women telling Ben to "watch his back" around Courtney.  For whatever reason, he takes it to heart this time.  I really hope we get to hear what Emily says about this, because she'd have every right to be upset with Ben for taking the other girls word over hers.  I think she should take as a sign that Ben doesn't trust her and decline his rose, if she's even given one. 

I love Courtney.  Not in a "she's gorgeous, she's be fun to hang out with" sort of way.... in a "She's insane and I can't wait to see what facial expression she makes next" kind of way.  Also, she's super drunk.  "When in Belize..." she says.  I guess she thinks that Belizians drink their asses off.  She also said this about taking her top off in Panama.  "When in Panama..."  I might start might using this saying everywhere.  Next time I'm in Wisconsin, I'm going to make a sleeping bag out of empty Frito Lay bags, because "when in Wisconsin..."  There really is nothing better than someone completely misinterpreting a saying and/or using a saying incorrectly.   I also love when she says "Ben's not the only guy in the world" and Emily is ALL OVER IT.  Again, Courtney is 100% correct.  I am a man.  I'm in the world.  HOWEVER, Emily interpreted it as "She doesn't care about Ben."  Unfortunately, Ben has made his decision and we won't get a chance for Emily to go all crazy sauce on him before the rose ceremony. 

Before the roses are handed out however....Ben wants a little tete a tete with Courtney.  Rather than say "the girls say you're mean" he softballs her by saying "I want to make sure you're in this 100%."  Very weird.  Nicki gets a rose, meaning someone who went on a one on one is going home.  Lindzi gets a rose.  We're down to Courtney or Emily.  And.............Chris Harrison reminds us we have one rose left.  Of course.  Now we get to the last rose.  Ben waits an uncomfortably long time before calling Courtney's name out.  She's hammered and is still making light of the entire situation.  It's incredibly disrepectful to the process, but that's really OK, because the whole process is incredibly disrespectful to the women.  Emily handles the rejection better than I expected, though she seems to think that things would've been different if she hadn't called out Courtney.  Not really the case in my opinion. 

We then get the teaser for next weekend, which includes Courtney's dad (who looks a lot like George Peppard from A-Team fame) saying "marriage is life's biggest gamble," which is such a horribly incorrect thing to say that it explains quite a lot about Courtney.  Marriage is only a gamble if you don't do your homework, or if you marry someone for the wrong reasons.  If you're marrying someone because you love them, respect them, and genuinely enjoy their company, it's not a gamble.  It's the smartest, safest investment you'll ever make, assuming they feel the same way about you.  And if you're not sure if they feel the same way about you....DON'T GET MARRIED.  It always annoys me when people say that marriage is "just a piece of paper" or some other crap like that.  It's not just a piece of paper.  Nobody ever says that about a diploma.  A diploma is a piece of paper, but you only get it if you put in the work to earn it.  That's what a marriage is.  It's a commitment to one person saying "I'm going to do my very best to make you happy for the rest of my life, to put you above everyone else." If you don't want to get married, that's fine.  I respect your decision....just don't tell me that my marriage is just a piece of paper.  It's the most important thing I've ever done.

The Ghost in the Machine

I AM afraid of that ghost!

I'm not one to get caught up in the supernatural.  I'm more of an "I'll believe it when I see it" type of guy.  That doesn't mean that I don't hope that the Loch Ness Monster and Bigfoot and the like exist.  I think the world would be a much more interesting place if these things existed. 

Ghosts on the other hand?  No thanks.  Aside from Casper - can you think of one ghost that's not super creepy and wants share their pain and rage with the living?  They're all trying to scare the bejeezus out of everyone.  Well, we've been having some unexplained phenomena happen at our house lately, and while I'm not ready to call Peter Venkman just yet, it is a bit strange.

Both events have happened in our garage, specifically in the corner where our washer and dryer sit.  First, the light in our dryer started working after almost six years of not functioning.  The thing has NEVER worked since we moved in back in 2006 (washer/dryer came with the house.)  Strange, but not spooky.

This morning, however, was a little more unsettling.  Rachel started a load of laundry just as I was getting ready to leave for work.  She came back in the house and picked up Jocie.  On cue, Jocie spit up all over.  Rachel stops me as I'm heading into the garage and asks me to throw the burp cloth in with the load running already.  I say "it's not running, you left the lid up...were you planning on putting something else in there?"  She says "what are you talking about, I shut the lid when I came back in."  Since my wife is A.) Responsible, B.) Very meticulous about her household chores, and C.) Not crazy, I believe her.  She's never done this before, and running a load of laundry is something you don't even have to think about.  You ever been driving home, the same route you drive every day, and you just kinda space out for a few miles, then go "wow, I'm here already?  What just happened?"  You're so used to doing it, your mind is almost on auto pilot and you can make the turns and stop at the lights without even consciously thinking about it.  That's how laundry is for Rachel. 

So what's messing with our laundry?  As far as I know, nobody has ever died in our house.  It was built in 2001, and we knew the previous owners, all of whom were alive when we bought it.  The only thing I can think of is that there was a cat that died outside of our garage on the side of our house a few years back.  The idea that there might be a ghost cat is altogether horrifying.  Rachel's dislike of cats is unrivaled.  This could get ugly.

Also, have any of you had experiences with unexplained paranormal activity?  I'd like to know what happened and how you got rid of it.  Thanks.

Ben Flajnik throws his hat into the ring for worst person on the planet

I can't start this week's bachelor blog without first mentioning that Lamar Hurd, former Oregon State point guard and by all accounts good dude, is currently applying to be the next bachelor.  His current angle is that he'd be the "first black bachelor," but even if you take race out of it he's someone I think both men and women would like watching on a reality show.  ABC, give the kid a shot!

Also, Jonah just came out here to ask what I was doing on the computer.  I said I was writing about a TV show, and he said "make sure to tell people that I'm getting the Star Wars Lego Game for Wii!"  So there's that.  Also, we're not buying him the Star Wars Lego game.  He thinks because he helped Rachel label Jocie's milk today, he gets a Wii game.....but that's another post altogether.

Alright, onto Panama City!  The little teaser for tonight's episode shows Ben kissing seemingly every girl on the show, except for Jamie, who apparently wants to "do stuff" with Ben, but can't for some reason. Maybe because she wants him to get tested for diseases after his romps with the other women.  Oh, and Courtney's topless and Casey is the ugliest crier ever. 

Ben rented a Jeep!  But not just any Jeep.  This is like the GI Joe version of Jeeps.  It's got giant wheels and a snorkel.  I also like that that ABC tries to create the impression that Ben rented the Jeep at the airport himself and drove straight to the hotel to drop off the date card.  Kacie B gets said date card, and Courtney makes a trademark smushy face and says she hopes she goes home because "she's annoying."  Apparently saying "I want her to go home because that's one less girl to compete with." 

Ben's date is about survival.  They helicopter into a deserted island and each brings three things.  Kacie takes a monkey toy, a wine corkscrew, and candy.  She's clearly on the date to have fun.  Ben takes a machete, a net, and some matches.  He's clearly on the date to murder Kacie and then use her body parts to lure fish into his net and then cook and eat the fish.  Creepy.  Ben is so impressed with Kacie's choices that he kisses her.  I'm not sure that's a kiss worthy moment. 

Kacie then says watching Ben chop into a coconut is "so hot" because he's determined.  I think he looks like a four year old with a hammer and a pegboard.  He also loses all the milk out of the coconut so he's clumsy and inefficient.  Who doesn't want that in a potential spouse.  Somehow, they catch a fish in their net, but I wouldn't be surprised if that fish was pre-caught at a Safeway and then placed dead and floating near their net by a production assistant, because I'm pretty sure these two would die once they got five miles away from a Starbucks, but whatever.  They made a fire and ate a fish together, so they have the teamwork necessary to make a marriage work.  Other people that can make fire and eat fish include two cub scouts and Tom Hanks and a volleyball. 

This date is not going as well as Kacie and Ben's first date...small talk sucks between these two.  Kacie likes going to the grocery store and cooking and "stuff."  Ben seems bored.  Kacie feels the need to get serious.  She had an eating disorder when she was a teenager.  She puked at a Super Bowl Party and her parents caught her.  This seems crazy to me, because I'd guess that roughly 5% of people in the country puke on Super Bowl Sunday, either from alcohol, overeating, or stress of having friends and family at their house.  I know that if anyone puked at my house during the Super Bowl, eating disorder would be about tenth on my list of reasons why.  Somehow she was bulimic and anorexic, which doesn't make sense to me...how do you throw up food you don't eat?  Apparently Ben made this really easy for her to say, which I guess means he didn't grill her about it or something.  But she feels better, and Ben seems impressed that he told her about her "troubled past" because he gives her the rose.  It bothers me that people hold onto their sob stories until they're on one on one dates and the rose is about to come out.  It's almost like they're playing a pity card to make the guy feel so bad he HAS to give her the rose, but on the other hand, in a dating format such as this, I understand why you wouldn't say anything on a group date or at a cocktail party, so it is what it is.

Group date time!  Ben's now rented an absurdly long boat.  In a shocking twist, he doesn't try to draw parallels between boating up a river and relationships, but he does say he's looking for a girl to go with the flow.  Jamie thinks Ben is a man's man because he can crash a boat onto the shore.  First thing Jamie's said that makes me not like her.  I don't think "winemaker" and "man's man" are terms that are usually used about the same person.  Ben says "hi ladies, like my boat?"  I get the distinct impression ABC edited out the comment Ben made about how long his boat is.  I really don't like this guy.

Cut to cute native kids jumping in a flowing river!  File that one under "things Americans would never let their kids do."  The locals give the girls traditional garb.  The blocking out of Courtney's chest seems a bit overkill because she's still got the beads covering her.  Way to overhype it, ABC.  The girls seem a little peeved, but Lindzi has no problem making googly eyes at Ben wearing a loincloth.  Ben, takes the douche level to 99 out of 100 by expressing his displeasure that the girls kept their bathing suits on underneath.  He says he "appreciates Courtney's effort in more ways than one," then gives the biggest dork smile ever in the history of smiles.  He's like a nerd giggling with his friends about how a girl is "naked underneath her clothes."  To borrow a sports metaphor, act like you've been there before dude!  He rubbed up against her naked body last week, so I'm not sure why he's so excited about this.  The mystery is gone dude.....

Courtney, as she always does, dominates the time with Ben, while the other girls seem content to just let her do it.  Nicki says "Courtney always finds a way to stand out, which is something the other girls would wouldn't do!"  This is why she's winning and you're all pissed off.  I feel like every girl will watch this season and look back and say "why wasn't I more aggressive?" 

After party starts out with Lindzi talking to Ben....she's really overcome the over the top horse reference and become my favorite girl on the season.  She does the best job of TALKING to Ben.  Good for her.  Two on one date card comes, and Blakely is way in Rachel's head.  Savvy move by the older Blakely.  She's already marking her territory and establishing Alpha status.  Ben tells Courtney that he appreciates her aggressiveness.  Then Courtney starts talking, but Ben is too busy picturing her naked to hear anything she says.  This guy is just a horny little puppy.

Jamie gets some airtime!  Of course, ABC just drowns out her voice and gives us a closeup of Courtney disrobing.  Courtney again works her magic.  Ben, being the idiot he is, can't not look at the pretty girl for 5 seconds to give the girl talking to him some respect.  Jamie wants to kiss Ben, but says she can't.  Ben doesn't understand this for some reason.   Really wish Jamie would've just said "I can't kiss you now because you're eye humping the girl in the pool rather than listen to what I'm trying say."  She may get a rose this week because of whatever drama we're about to get with Casey S, but her days are numbered.  Ben even made a comment about her being very "respectful," but it was said almost as if it was a negative quality.  He's in the hall of fame of a-holes.

That reminds me....Ben does a blog on people.com that recaps every episode.  Last week, he explained why he cut Jennifer - basically because he could tell she had feelings for him and while he liked kissing her he didn't see her relationship lasting.  So he was basically dumping her out of respect for her, before she got any further into the relationship.  The implication being that he liked other girls on the show less, and had no problem leading them on longer.  Ass. Hole.

Emily decides to completely flip her attitude around and makes a funny "I'm in love with the Chief" joke.  It was kinda funny actually, points for her.  Then she tries to apologize to Courtney.  She seems to be taking the advice of the sensei in the Lego NinjaGO cartoon I watched with Jonah this afternoon:  The best way to defeat an enemy is to make them your friend.  Courtney is having none of it though - she's too smart to fall for Emily's plot.  She throws the apology in Emily's face.  Ben gives Lindzi the rose, Courtney doesn't get it.  She took her top off!  She invites Ben back to her room, but he doesn't show.  I'm guessing ABC told him he couldn't go, because there's no doubt that Ben would've gone if he could.  I read somewhere that all those "secret" rendezvous you see on the Bachelor have to be cleared by the production team ahead of time, so when Justin trekked up the hill to see Ali, or when Courtney slipped off to skinny dip with Ben, ABC approved those.  They aren't just spontaneous. 

Blakely wears just the worst outfits.  Is this how women dress in North Carolina?  I'm not diggin' it.  Ben takes the ladies salsa dancing.  Ben says he's looking for chemistry.  Not surprisingly, the dance instructor says that "chemistry is important."  The girls get to change into dresses...and I'm not sure I understand fashion at all...to me, they both look like birds.  Blakely looks like a flamingo, Rachel like a big blue ostrich.   Rachel tries to butt in, and Blakely says no.  Why doesn't anyone do that to Courtney?  Blakely proceeds to wrap her leg around Ben, and Rachel says "I don't understand why she's using her sexuality."  Really?  Have you seen how he responds to Courtney?  Then Rachel says that she's a girl and knows how to deal with these situations.  I was unaware that all girls were genetically predisposed to disarming skanks.  Good to know. 

Rachel uses her one on one time to talk about Blakely.  You'd think, after observing Emily's attempts to talk about Courtney, she'd know this was a bad idea.  She knocks Blakely's sexuality, but then makes out with Ben and says "what can I do to help you make the right decision?"  Apparently the way to beat a skank is to outskank her. 

Blakely uses her one on one time to cry and lament the fact that she never got a one on one.  That didn't work with Samantha.  She then gives Ben a Flajnik scrapbook or what their live would look like together.  Scrapbooks didn't work for Chantal on Brad's season or for some guy (I forget who) on Ali's season of the Bachelorette.  It's not going to work for her this season...she's gone!  Blakely, being the ungracious person she is, just bails.  Ben feels the need to track her down and explain.  Funny that Jennifer didn't get that same respect.  Ben then gives her the same line he gave Elyse about how she never had a chance because he's already got better relationships with other women.  Uncool. Rachel should be pissed that he just left her in the restaurant to chase down the girl he's getting rid of.  She apparently doesn't care, because she has a rose.  It's not about the love for anyone on this show....what horrible, horrible people.  These people really are the worst America has to offer.

Chris shows up....people are concerned.  I'm more concerned that Casey S. is wearing a romper just like Blakely was.  Rompers are apparently the official clothing of people that aren't getting roses tonight.  They've also supplanted capri pants as my least favorite women's clothing choice.  Anyways, Chris calls Casey out for having a boyfriend back home.  Casey claims she doesn't have a boyfriend back home, then backpedals and says "well I'm in love with him, but I don't want to be."  Apparently she thought going on the Bachelor would force her boyfriend to propose or move on....and she doesn't see a problem with this.  Let's go talk to Ben and see if he has a problem with this!  My guess:  Ben acts extremely heartbroken about this, but in reality is relieved that he doesn't have to explain to another girl that their relationship will never get to the level he's already reached with some of the other ladies.  He's got a bona fide "out" with this one.  Casey lays out her scenario for Ben, and it sounds just as horrible as you'd expect.  She tries to get Ben to have pity on her by saying "If I go home, I still can't be with him, so what am I going to do?"  Apparently her strategy was to get Ben to save her from a relationship with someone who doesn't want to commit to her.  I love that her plan to find a guy that wanted to marry her was to go on a show where one in twenty five people actually get proposed to, and of those 4%, like 4% of those ever get married.  That, ladies and gentleman (I say gentleman, because I can only imagine that there's only one guy out there reading this),  is the definition of desperation.  I feel bad for her.  She summed it up best when she told Chris Harrison "maybe I need therapy or something."  Yes.  Yes you do.

Surprised that Ben is still sending another lady home at the rose ceremony.  Is this going to be the shortest season of the Bachelor ever?  Seems like we're sending ladies home in bunches this season.  My girl Jamie is back on the block.  Given who's still around, I think she's the logical choice to go home....especially given that Rachel's safe.  Jamie's the only one who hasn't kissed Ben. 

Jamie is sheltered.  She's talking about how she's going to attack him and be aggressive and all this stuff, which sounds like something someone who's never kissed someone in their life is going to say.  I also loved that she giggled through the whole thing...HOW DRUNK IS SHE? Jamie is my all time favorite contestant!  This seems like something that happens at every band camp ever....where the shy girl in the piccolo section tries to seduce the jock that plays the drums only because he needs a fine arts elective credit, only she's never seduced anyone in her life.  It's a shame that the only way she could think of to show Ben how much she liked him was to dry hump him.  You ruined a sweet girl Benjamin!  Courtney said it's down to Emily and Jamie to go home, and ABC makes sure that they're the last two left.  Jamie knew her days were numbered, and this was her hail mary.  Much like Tom Brady's yesterday, it wasn't completed.  I'm bummed, but also a little relieved that my favorite girl on the show didn't end up with Ben.  She's now got a chance to actually find a guy worth her while.  No explanation from Ben for Jamie, but none was really needed. 

Ben says he's confident his wife is in the room, which the girls take as "everyone has a chance!"  What it really means is "I can't wait to shuck five of you so I can bone down on the one girl I actually like here." 

We close with Emily rapping again, which is her best quality in my opinion.  More rappin, less yappin Emily!

I dunno, whatever you want

A quick comment on parenting, then and then a funny story from last night:

Do other parents have a problem with their kids not making decisions?  Jonah is the worst.  He'll say "hey dad, do you want to play something with me?"  I'll say "sure, what do you want to play?"  His response is ALWAYS "I dunno, whatever you want to play."

EVERY TIME.

Remember, he's the one that wants to play.  I'm more than happy to play, but invariably when I suggest something, he shoots it down.  "Want to play basketball?"  "No, pick something else."  "Monopoly?"  "No DaDa, something where you have to move your whole body!"  "That's why I suggested basketball."  "NOT BASKETBALL!  Let's have superhero battles!"

Ah ha!  He's known what he's wanted to do this whole time!  "Ok, superhero battles it is.....I'm going to be Thor, who are you going to be?"

"I dunno, who do you want me to be?"

Really?  Do we have to  do this with everything?  I'll suggest like six or seven superheroes and there's always something wrong with them.  Can't be Spiderman, he doesn't have any webs.  Can't be Superman, he doesn't have a cape on.  Can't be Hulk, his skin isn't green.  He'll then settle on Wolverine, and of course he has no problem pretending that he has 15 inch metal claws shooting out of his knuckles.  Selective imagination....who knew?

We do this with everything.  He'll ask to watch TV, then I have to choose what cartoon we watch.  He'll shoot down everything before demanding to watch Phineas and Ferb.  He'll ask for dinner, then say "I dunno, what do you want to make?"  I'll suggest 97 things, before he finally says "No silly head, you make me chicken nuggets!"  It's maddening.  I've started saying "No, I'm not picking anything.  If you want to play, you pick something and I'll play with you."  He then starts pouting, but eventually chooses something and off we go.  Hopefully we'll be able to break this habit soon, because I'm getting seriously frustrated. 

Now, for the funny story from last night.  At least I thought it was funny.  Jonah and I are playing Wii Fit.  Jonah goes first and that stupid board says "Good evening Jonah!  You know, it's been a long time since I've seen Andy...."  I get it, board.  I don't exercise as much as I should.  It then goes on to ask Jonah how my posture looks, and if I seem to be losing any weight.  I'm sure it's cataloging all this information to use against me in a few weeks.  I'll boot it up and it'll say "Jonah says you're lying about your exercise habits, Andy.  You can't fool me."  Whatever.

Jonah goes through his measurements (he's holding steady at 38 pounds.  He's going to make a great jockey someday)  and takes his daily fitness test.  It gives him a "Wii Fit Age of 5."  He loved that it thought he was older than he was.  So then it's my turn.  I'm holding steady at 255 (well on my way to being this guy).  So then I do my tests....the stillness test and the prediction test.  How these are fitness tests I don't know.  The first one, the goal is to NOT MOVE and the second one you just rock back and forth slowly.  Amazingly, I'm a pro at being stationary.  The Wii gives me a "fit age" of 22, to which I say to Rachel "you hear that honey!  This is the body of a 22 year old!" and then start dancing like I'm Flynt Flossy or something:

Rachel was cooking dinner in the kitchen, so I didn't see the eye roll she most likely gave me, but I definitely heard the sarcastic "how did I get so lucky?" remark.  It's cliche and I say it all the time, but I'm extremely fortunate to have the love of this woman.  I can't say it enough.