And we're off! Ben tells us the adventure has been an incredible journey, starting us off with the rare double cliche. All that was missing was "what better place to fall in love than...." ABC shows us Ben on the plane as he reminisces about all the women. Nicki's up first. Ben stares out the window as he thinks longingly about all the times he kissed Nicki. And there were a lot of times. Next up is Lindzi. Ben tells us she's a little bit country and a little bit city. He forgot that she's a little part horsey. That was mean...Lindzi's not in any way horse like, but her whole family worships horses, so it kinda works. Courtney's recollections involve her acting ditzy, seductive, and a little bit bitchy. She's like all parts crazy and no parts normal. Good times. Ben says she's nerdy, but I think he's forgotten the meaning of the word nerdy. I don't think there's anything Nerdy about Courtney. Finally, Ben's plane lands in Switzerland. Ben tells us that "this country is majestic" and that he "loves it here." What, does he take long weekends here? How does he know he loves it? Also, were we supposed to believe that he spent the entire flight thinking longingly about the women and weighing the gravity of the decision he's about to make? Apparently. That's what a normal person would do. My guess is they got the shot of Ben staring out the window in about the first five minutes, then he watched "Dude, Where's My Car?" like six times. Yeah, I think this guy's a moron. Bring on the ladies already!
First up is Nicki. She wants to know what they're doing on their date. Was it really a question? You're in a picturesque country, that means a HELICOPTER RIDE! Nicki says she's very excited, because this is her second helicopter ride ever, and it's with Ben! Wasn't her first helicopter ride with Ben too? Also, why is flying in a helicopter so exciting? You've gotta wear earmuffs because it's so noisy and it's not like the seats are super comfortable. The A-Team wasn't sipping champagne and thinking about love when they were fighting in Vietnam, I'll tell you that much. Helicopters are machines of convenience, not luxury. To me, helicopter rides sound about as romantic as an MMA fight. Nicki also thinks that Switzerland is majestic. Were they coached up by the production team? Possibly. She also says she feels like they're the only two people in the country. Perhaps because you're flying over uninhabitable land, sweetheart. There's no people visible because NO LIFE CAN EXIST THERE! Probably a metaphor for their relationship...I think she's going home tonight. As they sit up on a mountaintop waiting for Julie Andrews to serenade them (and I wouldn't put it past ABC to dust her off) they talk about their families and make out. Ben, after kissing her, whispers "so peaceful" which seems a strange comment. They then give off the most insecure yells ever, for no apparent reason. Nicki says she'd love to scream that she loves him from the mountaintop. However, she doesn't. Why? Probably because she's not really in love with him. Ah well. I will say this, they are seeing a view that not many people will ever get to see in person, and I'm slightly jealous.
Nicki's excited because she's had "the best day she's had with Ben." In fairness, they've only had like four days "together." Not exactly like Switzerland day has a lot to stack up against. Ben has a surprise for her, and it's "literally a log cabin." I'm not sure Ben had a whole lot to do with that surprise sweetie. Nicki asks Ben how many kids he wants, then immediately follows that up with "is that too much?" No, that's an appropriate question to ask someone who might propose to you in a week. Ben says that he's talked a lot about kids with his sister (creepy? I think it's a little creepy.) Apparently they've talked a lot about it after the death of their father. Apparently the Flajnik's are worried about their family line being terminated. Remember these people are in their 20's. After the formalities of Nicki reading the standard fantasy suite invitation, she excitedly giggles and says "when can we go?" She then says that she doesn't take this lightly then mentions that it's been 18 months since her husband and her divorced. I got the distinct impression that she was alluding to the fact that it's been 18 months since she's got her some. Ben seems equally excited to spend some "alone time" with Nicki. Since they just spent hours ALONE at the top of a mountain, where there were no people for 50 kilometers (we'll use the metric system, because "when in Europe...." You see Courtney? THAT'S WHEN YOU USE THAT SAYING!!!!), I have to believe that Ben said "alone" but meant "naked." Which brings me to another point - I still think Nicki goes home after this date. This means that the last date she'll have with Ben will be a tour of the mountains of Switzerland, followed by dinner in a log cabin and sex in a chalet. He will then dump her. Futhermore, he knows damn well he's going to dump one of these girls, yet he'll invite all of them to get busy in his fantasy suite/chalet/bungalow/whatever. Either he knows he's going to sleep with a girl he's dumping, or he's going to use the sex as a tiebreaker. This show is just not good for a woman's self esteem. I'd never advise a woman to go on this show. EVER. Unless you're just trying to make a name for yourself and "aren't in it for the right reasons." Then go ahead, but know that someone from back home will rat you out to Chris Harrison, and the whole country will think of you as an egotistical crazy person. Good luck with that honey. To my point, Nicki goes into a persuasive argument, laying out how confident she is that she could make Ben happy. If you're married, did you ever tell your husband/wife "do you know how happy I could make you, if you'd just put a ring on my finger?" If you have to talk the guy into marrying you, it probably won't work out. Nicki and Ben have a jacuzzi in their room, and their reaction is something like the Ohio football team finding out they get to wear black jerseys. Seriously, you're in a fantasy suite. Of course it has a jacuzzi tub! Rachel and I had a tub like that in our room at the Salbasgeon Suites after our wedding. It's not really anything to get worked up about.
Lindzi's up next. I love that Ben's got gloves and a heavy coat on, and Lindzi's got like a thin long sleeved jacket thingy. Ben, apparently upset that Lindzi's making him look like a wussy, wants to know where her coat is. Turns out Interlaken is the extreme sports capital of Europe, according to Ben. According to Google, it's either Interlaken, Chamonix, or Eastern Spain. We'll give him partial points. However, he seems to have no clue what they're doing on the date....as he says "I have no idea what's in store." This is in stark contrast with him saying "I have an adrenaline date planned for us" to Lindzi not more than two minutes before. As usual, Ben and I have different interpretations of a word....this time it's "planned." I also like that when asked how high up they are, their guide starts to say about 100 meters, before catching himself and saying "300 feet." Way to acquiesce to the Americans, who are too stupid to do simple conversions. Our country's ignorance is staggering sometimes. Lindzi makes the standard comparison of extreme sports and relationships - and let me just reiterate how mind bogglingly stupid this is. You ever see the people who do extreme sports? They're addicts...usually adrenaline, but I'd be willing to bet that a good number abuse other substances as well. You think those people are fun to be married to? Nope...they end up marrying other addicts. Anyways, Lindzi and Ben rappell off into marriage or something. They keep talking about how death defying this is, but they're HOLDING HANDS as they do it. Anything that you can do one handed while focusing more on the face of the person you're trying to bone down in a fantasy suite later that night is NOT death defying. Ben drops his "oh my dad" line again, only this time he doesn't elaborate on it. I really wonder what Lindzi thought when he said that.
I love that Lindzi refers to herself as the "Ice Queen." I'm not sure I ever got that from her, given that she excitedly announced Ben as her boyfriend to her parents when they met. Ben says she's more affectionate, which means she's sitting half naked on his lap in a hot tub. Ben does most of his thinking below the waist. Time for dinner. Lindzi is wearing the most conservative dinner dress in the history of the Bachelor. Ben's wearing a bow tie. Lindzi gives one of the more rational and measured responses ever to the question "what helped you open up to me?" She seems like she's got a good head on her shoulders, despite the fact that her parents are time travelling colonialists and she dated text message dumpers. She then follows that up with "I'm hoping this ends with a proposal." Bold. Ben capitalizes on the moment by offering her the fantasy suite. She says "normally I don't just go stay the night with anyone, but I'd love to." Lindzi, this is your boyfriend honey. You said so yourself. He's not some guy you met in the bar who just licked his finger and touched your sleeve and asked if you wanted to go get out of those wet clothes. She then comments on the quality of the suite's key, to which Ben replies "it's the key to my heart." I think Ben's heart just turned to cheese. That was awful. This leads to them making out on the fantasy suite bed and Ben pulling her dress up so high that I think it's safe to say Lindzi wasn't wearing bikini cut underwear. I think Lindzi's gonna cringe when she sees that. The world pretty much just saw the (former) Ice Queen's right buttcheek.
Time for Courtney!! Do we still see contrite, apologetic Courtney, or do we get the slightly unhinged egomaniac? So far, we've got good Courtney, which is bad for the blog. We don't like normal people here at Snacks Tracks. Ben says that there's something intimate about a train. I take it he hasn't seen "Unstoppable." He then points out the glacier, conveniently leaving out the fact that he felw up there with Nicki. Maybe he's not quite as dumb as I thought. Courtney seems to think that their life together would be travelling and riding trains and eating swiss cheese. Nope, you'll be stomping on grapes and tending the vines at the winery, sweetie. Ben and Courtney then play a game of "Hey Cow," which is a game Ben just made up. At least I hope he just made it up, because it's an awful game. You yell at a cow and if it acknowledges you, you win. I guess it's a better game than "Duck, Cow!" where you throw a rock at it.
Courtney then brings up the other girls, which was a little bit of a switch. Ben presses her, and she goes into the whole "they were asking for it!" defense. Ben basically says "whatever, you were a bitch" but then drops it. He says they'll talk about it later. The mood's definitely changed on this date. Courtney seems to be owning it a little, but continues to refer to the other women as "these girls" which seems a bit dismissive. Hard to tell if she really means it or not. She's saying all the right things, but that's kind of the problem. It seems like what Ben wants to hear rather than something REAL. Ben says that he has "lots of women friends" in his life, and he's worried about Courtney fitting in to that. I love that to illustrate his point that he has lots of women friends, he references his mom and his sister. I'm not sure that those are the women friends that Courtney is going to be jealous of, Benjamin. I was happy to hear them acknowledge that it was incredibly petty for Courtney to say "see ya, wouldn't want to be ya!" when Emily was let go, because it really got glossed over when it happened.
Courtney gets the fantasy suite offer, and then immediately flips it on Ben and asks him what he thinks about it. It's strange that someone who's handled herself so poorly thoughout this "journey" can also be the one who handles herself the best. Courtney's "confessional videos" have gone from "winning" to "love." If she'd acted like this the entire time, it'd be interesting to see how America would view her.
And now a sneak peak of Emily's season! You all remember Emily. She got engaged at 19. Her fiance was killed in a plane crash. She's a single mom. She says that her life has gone back to normal since she broke up with Brad. Well, what better time to uproot everything and go back on a reality show! Before we feel too terribly for Emily being a single mom....do you see the house she's living in? I think she's doing alright. Emily then flies out to LA to hang out with Ali and Ashley, the last two bachelorettes. You'd think, rather than fly the single mom to LA, they'd fly the two without kids to her in Charlotte. After the girls get all slutty for a day on the town (except Ali, who looks fairly classy.) The fact that these three are wearing 3D glasses and watching Titanic together is killing me. Nobody looks good in 3D glasses. Ashley compares Jack and Rose's relationship to hers and JP's. Kill me now. She just compared her turn on the bachelor to the most romantic movie of our generation. JP and Ashley's first date was right after the Bentley fiasco. She moped all over the Bachelor Manison while JP rubbed her back and said "Awww, poor baby." That's EXACTLY how I remember Titantic!!
Kacie's back to tell Ben that Courtney is evil! Thank Ben's Dad they didn't send Emily back there again. He already dismissed her warnings about Courtney twice, to fly her halfway around the world to get dismissed again would've probably shattered that poor woman. Although maybe she would've gotten her point across better if she'd worked it into one of her super awesome raps. Kacie seems super nervous, but I'm not sure why. When she starts talking though, it all comes clear. I thought she was coming just to talk about Courtney, but she wants an explanation on why she got dumped. Ben says "it was your family" without saying "it was your family." Kacie is making some really salient points here....things like "it's up to me if I move in with you, not my parents." Ben, not wanting to give her any more hope of a reconciliation, just says "I'm sorry" and leaves it at that. Kacie, now realizing that he's not going to take her back, tries to take Courtney down with her. She goes back to Courtney saying "if it's not Ben, there's other fish in the sea," which not at all what she said, at least in the context that Kacie took it. If you'll remember, Courtney basically said that the other women should cheer up because "Ben's not the only fish in the sea." In other words, don't feel bad that he's going to pick me, you'll find love with someone else. If Courtney goes home based on Kacie's speech, Ben's going to regret it when he watches that episode. Kacie, so emotionally spent from the conversation, lies down in the middle of a Swiss hotel hallway. How awesome would it be to see a woman lying in the hallway of a hotel with a bunch of cameras surrounding her? I'm not sure that telling your ex boyfriend that his current girlfriend is a bitch is a situation that requires a public collapsing, but ok.
Ben sits down with Chris, who has the most awesome job in television. He's a household name, and all he does is show up on tv for five minutes a week and say "ladies, welcome to Borneo!" or "this is the final rose tonight." Way to carve out a place in this world for yourself buddy. Anyone in the world could do his job, yet he's the one that gets to do it. You know that question where you're asked "who would you like to have at your dinner party, if you could have anyone you wanted?" I think Chris Harrison would be at my dinner. I'd love to pick his brain and see if he actually knows anything, or is just a guy with perfect teeth. FYI, I think I'd also like to have dinner with George Bush, Melissa Joan Hart, George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and Magic Johnson.
I love that Kacie's return has confused Ben so much. Again, he completely dismissed Emily's warnings, but Kacie's got to him this much? Remember that Kacie was in competition with Courtney, which kind of makes her opinion biased. It's very strange that he's putting this much stock in her comments....which makes me think that ABC's kind of fabricated this storyline. Well I know that they have, because I guarantee Kacie didn't shell out the money to fly to Switzerland herself. I still think Nicki's going home, which is apparently in ancient Greece given the dress she's wearing. After an insanely long pause, Ben sends Nicki home. This might be the first rose ceremony that Courtney's hugged the departing woman. I also love that Ben has the time to talk to Nicki this week where he didn't have last week with Kacie. Although given that Ben basically said "you're amazing, I had a great time with you every moment we spent together, but I had doubts," I'm not sure that the talking is better than just cutting her loose. Although by talking to her, he doesn't have to worry about her showing up at the altar next week to demand an explanation, a la Kacie. Nicki does a fairly good job of holding it together in the limo...although I think she's about thisclose to saying "F*CKING COURTNEY??? ARE YOU SERIOUS???"
The blog will take a break next week for "The Women Tell All" because, honestly, I think this thing would be about 450,000 words if I tried to write down everything that I was thinking during it.
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