Also, Jonah just came out here to ask what I was doing on the computer. I said I was writing about a TV show, and he said "make sure to tell people that I'm getting the Star Wars Lego Game for Wii!" So there's that. Also, we're not buying him the Star Wars Lego game. He thinks because he helped Rachel label Jocie's milk today, he gets a Wii game.....but that's another post altogether.
Alright, onto Panama City! The little teaser for tonight's episode shows Ben kissing seemingly every girl on the show, except for Jamie, who apparently wants to "do stuff" with Ben, but can't for some reason. Maybe because she wants him to get tested for diseases after his romps with the other women. Oh, and Courtney's topless and Casey is the ugliest crier ever.
Ben rented a Jeep! But not just any Jeep. This is like the GI Joe version of Jeeps. It's got giant wheels and a snorkel. I also like that that ABC tries to create the impression that Ben rented the Jeep at the airport himself and drove straight to the hotel to drop off the date card. Kacie B gets said date card, and Courtney makes a trademark smushy face and says she hopes she goes home because "she's annoying." Apparently saying "I want her to go home because that's one less girl to compete with."
Ben's date is about survival. They helicopter into a deserted island and each brings three things. Kacie takes a monkey toy, a wine corkscrew, and candy. She's clearly on the date to have fun. Ben takes a machete, a net, and some matches. He's clearly on the date to murder Kacie and then use her body parts to lure fish into his net and then cook and eat the fish. Creepy. Ben is so impressed with Kacie's choices that he kisses her. I'm not sure that's a kiss worthy moment.
Kacie then says watching Ben chop into a coconut is "so hot" because he's determined. I think he looks like a four year old with a hammer and a pegboard. He also loses all the milk out of the coconut so he's clumsy and inefficient. Who doesn't want that in a potential spouse. Somehow, they catch a fish in their net, but I wouldn't be surprised if that fish was pre-caught at a Safeway and then placed dead and floating near their net by a production assistant, because I'm pretty sure these two would die once they got five miles away from a Starbucks, but whatever. They made a fire and ate a fish together, so they have the teamwork necessary to make a marriage work. Other people that can make fire and eat fish include two cub scouts and Tom Hanks and a volleyball.
This date is not going as well as Kacie and Ben's first date...small talk sucks between these two. Kacie likes going to the grocery store and cooking and "stuff." Ben seems bored. Kacie feels the need to get serious. She had an eating disorder when she was a teenager. She puked at a Super Bowl Party and her parents caught her. This seems crazy to me, because I'd guess that roughly 5% of people in the country puke on Super Bowl Sunday, either from alcohol, overeating, or stress of having friends and family at their house. I know that if anyone puked at my house during the Super Bowl, eating disorder would be about tenth on my list of reasons why. Somehow she was bulimic and anorexic, which doesn't make sense to me...how do you throw up food you don't eat? Apparently Ben made this really easy for her to say, which I guess means he didn't grill her about it or something. But she feels better, and Ben seems impressed that he told her about her "troubled past" because he gives her the rose. It bothers me that people hold onto their sob stories until they're on one on one dates and the rose is about to come out. It's almost like they're playing a pity card to make the guy feel so bad he HAS to give her the rose, but on the other hand, in a dating format such as this, I understand why you wouldn't say anything on a group date or at a cocktail party, so it is what it is.
Group date time! Ben's now rented an absurdly long boat. In a shocking twist, he doesn't try to draw parallels between boating up a river and relationships, but he does say he's looking for a girl to go with the flow. Jamie thinks Ben is a man's man because he can crash a boat onto the shore. First thing Jamie's said that makes me not like her. I don't think "winemaker" and "man's man" are terms that are usually used about the same person. Ben says "hi ladies, like my boat?" I get the distinct impression ABC edited out the comment Ben made about how long his boat is. I really don't like this guy.
Cut to cute native kids jumping in a flowing river! File that one under "things Americans would never let their kids do." The locals give the girls traditional garb. The blocking out of Courtney's chest seems a bit overkill because she's still got the beads covering her. Way to overhype it, ABC. The girls seem a little peeved, but Lindzi has no problem making googly eyes at Ben wearing a loincloth. Ben, takes the douche level to 99 out of 100 by expressing his displeasure that the girls kept their bathing suits on underneath. He says he "appreciates Courtney's effort in more ways than one," then gives the biggest dork smile ever in the history of smiles. He's like a nerd giggling with his friends about how a girl is "naked underneath her clothes." To borrow a sports metaphor, act like you've been there before dude! He rubbed up against her naked body last week, so I'm not sure why he's so excited about this. The mystery is gone dude.....
Courtney, as she always does, dominates the time with Ben, while the other girls seem content to just let her do it. Nicki says "Courtney always finds a way to stand out, which is something the other girls
After party starts out with Lindzi talking to Ben....she's really overcome the over the top horse reference and become my favorite girl on the season. She does the best job of TALKING to Ben. Good for her. Two on one date card comes, and Blakely is way in Rachel's head. Savvy move by the older Blakely. She's already marking her territory and establishing Alpha status. Ben tells Courtney that he appreciates her aggressiveness. Then Courtney starts talking, but Ben is too busy picturing her naked to hear anything she says. This guy is just a horny little puppy.
Jamie gets some airtime! Of course, ABC just drowns out her voice and gives us a closeup of Courtney disrobing. Courtney again works her magic. Ben, being the idiot he is, can't not look at the pretty girl for 5 seconds to give the girl talking to him some respect. Jamie wants to kiss Ben, but says she can't. Ben doesn't understand this for some reason. Really wish Jamie would've just said "I can't kiss you now because you're eye humping the girl in the pool rather than listen to what I'm trying say." She may get a rose this week because of whatever drama we're about to get with Casey S, but her days are numbered. Ben even made a comment about her being very "respectful," but it was said almost as if it was a negative quality. He's in the hall of fame of a-holes.
That reminds me....Ben does a blog on people.com that recaps every episode. Last week, he explained why he cut Jennifer - basically because he could tell she had feelings for him and while he liked kissing her he didn't see her relationship lasting. So he was basically dumping her out of respect for her, before she got any further into the relationship. The implication being that he liked other girls on the show less, and had no problem leading them on longer. Ass. Hole.
Emily decides to completely flip her attitude around and makes a funny "I'm in love with the Chief" joke. It was kinda funny actually, points for her. Then she tries to apologize to Courtney. She seems to be taking the advice of the sensei in the Lego NinjaGO cartoon I watched with Jonah this afternoon: The best way to defeat an enemy is to make them your friend. Courtney is having none of it though - she's too smart to fall for Emily's plot. She throws the apology in Emily's face. Ben gives Lindzi the rose, Courtney doesn't get it. She took her top off! She invites Ben back to her room, but he doesn't show. I'm guessing ABC told him he couldn't go, because there's no doubt that Ben would've gone if he could. I read somewhere that all those "secret" rendezvous you see on the Bachelor have to be cleared by the production team ahead of time, so when Justin trekked up the hill to see Ali, or when Courtney slipped off to skinny dip with Ben, ABC approved those. They aren't just spontaneous.
Blakely wears just the worst outfits. Is this how women dress in North Carolina? I'm not diggin' it. Ben takes the ladies salsa dancing. Ben says he's looking for chemistry. Not surprisingly, the dance instructor says that "chemistry is important." The girls get to change into dresses...and I'm not sure I understand fashion at all...to me, they both look like birds. Blakely looks like a flamingo, Rachel like a big blue ostrich. Rachel tries to butt in, and Blakely says no. Why doesn't anyone do that to Courtney? Blakely proceeds to wrap her leg around Ben, and Rachel says "I don't understand why she's using her sexuality." Really? Have you seen how he responds to Courtney? Then Rachel says that she's a girl and knows how to deal with these situations. I was unaware that all girls were genetically predisposed to disarming skanks. Good to know.
Rachel uses her one on one time to talk about Blakely. You'd think, after observing Emily's attempts to talk about Courtney, she'd know this was a bad idea. She knocks Blakely's sexuality, but then makes out with Ben and says "what can I do to help you make the right decision?" Apparently the way to beat a skank is to outskank her.
Blakely uses her one on one time to cry and lament the fact that she never got a one on one. That didn't work with Samantha. She then gives Ben a Flajnik scrapbook or what their live would look like together. Scrapbooks didn't work for Chantal on Brad's season or for some guy (I forget who) on Ali's season of the Bachelorette. It's not going to work for her this season...she's gone! Blakely, being the ungracious person she is, just bails. Ben feels the need to track her down and explain. Funny that Jennifer didn't get that same respect. Ben then gives her the same line he gave Elyse about how she never had a chance because he's already got better relationships with other women. Uncool. Rachel should be pissed that he just left her in the restaurant to chase down the girl he's getting rid of. She apparently doesn't care, because she has a rose. It's not about the love for anyone on this show....what horrible, horrible people. These people really are the worst America has to offer.
Chris shows up....people are concerned. I'm more concerned that Casey S. is wearing a romper just like Blakely was. Rompers are apparently the official clothing of people that aren't getting roses tonight. They've also supplanted capri pants as my least favorite women's clothing choice. Anyways, Chris calls Casey out for having a boyfriend back home. Casey claims she doesn't have a boyfriend back home, then backpedals and says "well I'm in love with him, but I don't want to be." Apparently she thought going on the Bachelor would force her boyfriend to propose or move on....and she doesn't see a problem with this. Let's go talk to Ben and see if he has a problem with this! My guess: Ben acts extremely heartbroken about this, but in reality is relieved that he doesn't have to explain to another girl that their relationship will never get to the level he's already reached with some of the other ladies. He's got a bona fide "out" with this one. Casey lays out her scenario for Ben, and it sounds just as horrible as you'd expect. She tries to get Ben to have pity on her by saying "If I go home, I still can't be with him, so what am I going to do?" Apparently her strategy was to get Ben to save her from a relationship with someone who doesn't want to commit to her. I love that her plan to find a guy that wanted to marry her was to go on a show where one in twenty five people actually get proposed to, and of those 4%, like 4% of those ever get married. That, ladies and gentleman (I say gentleman, because I can only imagine that there's only one guy out there reading this), is the definition of desperation. I feel bad for her. She summed it up best when she told Chris Harrison "maybe I need therapy or something." Yes. Yes you do.
Surprised that Ben is still sending another lady home at the rose ceremony. Is this going to be the shortest season of the Bachelor ever? Seems like we're sending ladies home in bunches this season. My girl Jamie is back on the block. Given who's still around, I think she's the logical choice to go home....especially given that Rachel's safe. Jamie's the only one who hasn't kissed Ben.
Jamie is sheltered. She's talking about how she's going to attack him and be aggressive and all this stuff, which sounds like something someone who's never kissed someone in their life is going to say. I also loved that she giggled through the whole thing...HOW DRUNK IS SHE? Jamie is my all time favorite contestant! This seems like something that happens at every band camp ever....where the shy girl in the piccolo section tries to seduce the jock that plays the drums only because he needs a fine arts elective credit, only she's never seduced anyone in her life. It's a shame that the only way she could think of to show Ben how much she liked him was to dry hump him. You ruined a sweet girl Benjamin! Courtney said it's down to Emily and Jamie to go home, and ABC makes sure that they're the last two left. Jamie knew her days were numbered, and this was her hail mary. Much like Tom Brady's yesterday, it wasn't completed. I'm bummed, but also a little relieved that my favorite girl on the show didn't end up with Ben. She's now got a chance to actually find a guy worth her while. No explanation from Ben for Jamie, but none was really needed.
Ben says he's confident his wife is in the room, which the girls take as "everyone has a chance!" What it really means is "I can't wait to shuck five of you so I can bone down on the one girl I actually like here."
We close with Emily rapping again, which is her best quality in my opinion. More rappin, less yappin Emily!
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