You Hide the Freaking Elf

Spoiler:  If you believe in Santa and the magic of elves, you may want to stop reading.

A few years ago, our family was introduced to a new Christmas tradition - the Elf on a Shelf.  I think we were pretty late to the party, but for those of you who don't know about this elf, he's basically a little poseable elf doll that comes with a book for children that tells the tale of how this elf watches to see who's good and who's bad and reports every night back to the North Pole, before returning to the house.  The idea is that the kids get up every morning to see where the elf is in the house and know that he's watching them.  For most people, the elf looks like this:


And yes, that was the first google image that popped up for "elf on a shelf."

Personally, I think that guy looks super creepy.  Like, one morning you might wake up and he'll have a carving knife and be sitting on your pillow creepy.  Plus, he's expensive.  Like $30 expensive.  But it sounded like a good idea, so my wonderfully practical wife Rachel started looking around and found the much cuter, economical knock-off version, Christopher Pop-in-Kins:

Much better, right?

So this starts off great....December 1st, you stash him on a shelf in the kids room.  Kid wakes up, sees the elf and is ecstatic that Christmas is almost here.  December 2nd, your son vaults out of bed at 6:30 and flips on the light to see Mr. Pop-in-Kins on top of the fridge.  Oh, that cheeky elf.  By the end of the first week, we've exhausted damn near every high vantage point in our house, and it seems like Jonah's getting up earlier and earlier every day, excited to see where Christopher is.  By next week, Rachel and I will be spending a half an hour every night after the kids go to sleep arguing over where to put this guy.  Fortunately, Rachel's love of Pinterest has yielded some great ideas, but I think we can all agree that it's much more fun and satisfying to come up with things on your own.  Of course, this can blow up in your face too.

For instance, we sort of came into a free Christmas tree the other day.  Long story short, there was a miscommunication at Rachel's job and a patient brought her a tree.  So, I have the brilliant idea to not tell the kids, keep the tree in the car and break it out at night after they go to sleep.  Only we don't get the kids to bed until 10:30 that night and who really wants to set up a tree at 10:30 at night?  So we just decided we'd bring it in the next morning.  So then Jonah asks where the tree came from, and I get the bright idea to say that Christopher must've brought it and left it in the garage.  Everything's well and good until I'm on the phone with my mom later that night talking about the free tree we got from one of Rachel's patients and Jonah gets a confused look and says "nuh uh dad, Christopher brought it!"  Busted. 

I now see that Christopher has a sister elf that you can purchase as well, Christina Marie.  Good God, hiding two elves a night?  No thank you.

Queen of the Princesses

Last weekend I had the pleasure of attending Disney on Ice:  Dare to Dream with my family up in Portland.  One of Jonah's friends had an extra ticket, and invited him along.  Rachel and I didn't really have anything else planned, so we decided to take Jocie along and get tickets ourselves.  Gave us some time to meet Jonah's friends parents, and also allow the kids some extra time to hang out in the back of the car, which they LOVED.  This trip was basically the reason we invested in a seven passenger Dodge Journey.  We were able to get everyone in comfortably.  Jonah and Jaden are pretty much the same person in different bodies.  It's crazy how similar their interests and personalities are.  They even have the same cowlick smushing up their hair in the front.  I think that was probably the quickest trip ever to Portland for Jonah, as they laughed and played with their Transformers in the back the entire car ride. 

After stopping for some food at Pizza Schmizza, we made our way to the Rose Garden.  A quick recap of events I've been to at the Rose Garden - Trailblazers games, a rodeo, a concert featuring Pink and Shaggy (it was a Z100 radio concert) and I think an Eminem concert (it could have been at the Memorial Coliseum, I forget).  The patrons at Disney on Ice are so completely different from anything I've ever experienced there, I was a little thrown off.  But our seats were surprisingly good for the $25/each we paid, aside from the lady seated in the row behind us who felt it would be a good idea to bring a giant stroller into the arena with her and drape the thing over my seat.  It took her a few minutes to move the thing and find a way to awkwardly jam it under the seats in her row.  Kids at arenas are kind of like luggage on a plane....if you need wheels to move them, it's not a carry-on and therefore shouldn't be allowed.  Why would you bring a stroller when you know there's no way to store it without inconveniencing everyone around you?  C'mon now. 

The show started, and it was pretty much like I remembered from when I was a kid.  The shows are basically abridged versions of the movies.  The Dare to Dream show was geared a little more towards young girls, but not to the point where boys couldn't enjoy it.  They did 3 "acts:"  Princess and the Frog, Cinderella, and Tangled.  I don't think I realized that the shows were all lip synced, but I guess it makes sense.  Jocie was a huge fan of the horse "Maximus" from the Tangled show, which was two dudes in a horse costume - on ice skates.  How impressive is that?  Every time that horse came out on the ice, she'd clench her fists and look at Rachel and I with this look that basically said "OMG THERE HE IS AGAIN!"  She'll probably make that same face again at the Rose Garden for a boy band concert in 12 years.  For now, I'm ecstatic that it's a horse on skates that does it for her. 

The real shocker to me, however came at the end of the show.  Once Rapunzel realizes she's the lost princess and reclaims her throne, she of course throws a ball and invites all the other princesses from the Disney world to come.  As each princess came out onto the ice with her "prince," they were given a polite round of applause from the crowd.  Now, I was expecting Rapunzel to get the largest cheer, given that she is the most recent princess and also the headliner of the show.  But one princess violated the rule that you never show up the host of the party.  Cinderella?  Snow White?  Belle?  Nope.  They were all completely clowned by the applause handed out for the Little Mermaid.  I kid you not, Ariel got the loudest cheer of the night, and all she did was skate out and wave.  That was it.  She was on the ice for maybe three minutes total, but you'd think that these girls came specifically to see her.  I actually heard a girl of maybe seven or eight behind me squeal "THERE SHE IS!  ARIELLLLLLLLLLLLL!" as she skated out onto the ice. 

If I were ranking the popularity of princesses based on applause it'd go like this: 

1. Ariel
2. (left blank, because the gap was that large)
3. Jasmine
4. Rapunzel
5. Cinderella
6. Tiana
7. Belle
8. Sleeping Beauty
9. Snow White
10. Mulan (I'll admit, I had to ask Rachel who she was, because I had no clue.  I've never actually seen the movie.  Apparently no one else had either, because Mulan got the courtesy "I have no clue why you're important, but you're on the ice with Ariel, so I'll clap halfheartedly for you" applause)

I had no clue that the Little Mermaid had that kind of cachet.  Yet every female I've talked to since going to the show has said "oh yeah, Ariel is the best!"  I'm not sure that there's an equivalent for guys in the cartoon realm.  Is there a fictional character that all men identify with in this way?  The front runners would probably be Buzz Lightyear, Tigger, or Lightning McQueen.  My vote goes for Tigger.  So why is Ariel so loved?  I've done quite a bit of thinking about this, and came up with a few reasons:

• The movie came out in 1989 - 23 years ago.   This made her popular with a majority of the moms in the crowd, who probably passed on their love of Ariel to their daughters
• The red hair makes her stand out from every other princess, making her easily identifiable.
• The music from her movie is pretty freaking good.  Under the Sea and Kiss the Girl are two of the most recognizable and "sing-alongable" songs from Disney movies ever. 

Really that's it.  The princess genre movies are all by and large the same, so it's not like her story is that distinguishable from the others.  Princess feels trapped, meets a guy who shows her there's a whole world out there, evil person tries to take the kingdom for themselves, love and magic conquer all.  The end. 

Anyone out there have a favorite Disney character?  I'm going with Tigger - he's all about having fun, makes up words, and embraces his uniqueness. 

 

This one time, in a Band Van.....

Yesterday was our annual President's Dinner in Portland.  This is kind of a big deal, so we blow it out.  I was enlisted to help shuttle some of the "talent" up to the event.  I was assigned to bring a couple members of the band up, who were going to be performing at the dinner.  When I say "performing" I mean that they were going to play to alert guests of the call to dinner.  Their entire "set" was no more than 2 minutes long.  One of my coworkers was also driving a van.  Except she wasn't driving musicians.  She was driving fashion models.  I get band members, she gets models.  You can see where I rank in the order of things. 

Anyways, I was anticipating some fairly interesting conversations on this trip, and I wasn't disappointed.  Their conversation started off discussing the band (something about the inability of some members to play "off-beats" and how it was a good thing that Ricky changed instruments because "his teeth weren't shaped correctly" for whatever instrument he was previously on), before moving on to discussing drinking games.  It never ceases to amaze me how many people like to brag about what they drank and the amount of it they consumed.  "We went round for round with shots for AN HOUR."  This is a pretty universal conversation amongst people in their 20s:  "we drank X amount of Y BEFORE/DURING/AFTER Z!"  The irony of that  statement is that it never elicits the reaction the person expects.  Have you ever seen someone respond to that question with any other than a courtesy eyebrow raise or a half smile and a forced grunt?  You've never heard anyone say "OH MY GOD HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?  I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU AREN'T STILL DRUNK!!!!!"  You know why?  Because everyone you're discussing this with has done the same exact thing before.  You're not impressing anyone with your drinking story, yet they continue to get told every Monday. 

OK, I got off topic a little there.  Let me get back to the real reason for this blog.  One of the guys mentioned the orchestral piece "Boléro."  Another guy says "did you know that Boléro was #3 song on Spotify's list of "songs to make whoopee" to?  Seriously.  The guy said "make whoopee."  For the full list, click here and scroll down.  Turns out that this list was done by surveying people in the UK, so take that for what it's worth.  They discussed some of the other songs on the list, before one of the guys shushes everyone else by saying "Guys, you know what really should be #1 on that list?"  At this point I'm fully engrossed in this conversation.  I had no clue where this guy was going with this, and my mind was racing to try and figure out what song he was going to go with before he announces his self-proclaimed "best whoopee song."  I was expecting something like Beethoven's Ninth or possibly Queen's "Fat Bottomed Girls" - a song played by the band at OSU sporting events for the better part of two decades.  Nope.  Homeboy goes with this:

 

 

That's right....R Freaking Kelly.  Dorky white band kid in glasses goes with R. Kelly.  And not even probably more "whoopee appropriate" R. songs like this or this or even this.  Now, we could probably start getting into semantics:  making whoopee is different from making love which is different from knockin' boots, and so on and so forth.  But this just floored me.  The Ignition Remix was on R. Kelly's "Chocolate Factory" Album, which was released in 2003.  This kid was probably somewhere between the ages of 9 and 13 when that song came out.  Now I get it...lots of songs on that Spotify list are older songs - Songs by Marvin Gaye for example.  But Marvin Gaye is still played on the radio.  He's kind of a legend, and you can make the case that his songs are timeless.  There's plenty of opportunity to hear his music.  Honestly, when is the last time you heard the Ignition Remix?  My mind is still blown by this choice.  I was discussing this in the office today when one of our students came in.  She says "what song are you talking about?" So I pull it up on the youtubes and by the second note, she goes "Oh yeah, Ignition!" and nods like she totally understands why this song would be #1 on someone's "naughty time" playlist. 

 

 

So this opens up a number of questions: What would be #1 on your "whoopee list?"  Would you ever have a whoopee list, or is this something for people far, far younger than a majority of the people reading this blog?  If you have a whoopee list on your iPod, does this make you skeezy?  Like, say you were on a first date and your date asked to see your iPod.  If this happens, there's a 95% chance that whatever is on your iPod is going to determine if you get a second date or not. For the record, I'd go with probably one of these three songs off the top of my head, just for fun (and yes, I'm laughing at my own choices, so feel free to mock me):

 



 

 

 

 

 

 

50 Shades of Grey - A Guy's Perspective

So yes, I've read the first two books of the "50 Shades" series.  Much like my experience with the Twilight Books, I needed to see what the fuss was all about.  There were people reading these books at work discreetly under their desks.  Anything that engrosses people that much has to be worth reading, right?

Wrong.  So, so wrong.  These books are awful.  I just don't get it.  If you haven't read the books, bu50 Shades, books, bt are thinking about it, you might not want to read the next paragraph, because I'm going to sum up the entire first two books:

Grey likes rough sex.  Ana does not.  Argument.  Compromise reached.  Condom packet being opened.  Kinky sex.  Emotional bonding.  Self doubt by Grey.  Reassurance by Ana.  Self doubt by Ana.  Reassurance by Grey.  Argument.  Compromised reached.  "EAT YOUR DAMN FOOD, WOMAN!" Angry Sex.  Self doubt......

You get the idea.  It's the same thing over and over and over and over and over.  I don't get why anyone would read these books for anything other than amusement.  The books seriously sound like they were written by this girl, and if you haven't seen that youtube clip, I strongly urge you to watch it and try not to cringe.  It's so awkward.  These books sound like they were written by an adolescent, trying to come up with the most creative way to say "he had an erection."  In fact, there's so much "sexy time" in these books that midway through the first the writer either exhausted her sexual slang vocabulary, or just gave up trying.  Every sexual encounter in the books involves the following:

• dark, hooded eyes - If you know what hooded eyes are, you're a better person than me, because I picture someone having some sort of seizure, and it's not sexy. 
• "everything south" of Ana's waistline "clenching in anticipation." -  Sorry to be a little crass, but that is the feeling I get when I have uncontrollable diarrhea.  It's also not sexy. 
• If there's dialogue, Grey either hisses or growls....two very unsexy vocal characteristics.  He usually swears as he climaxes too, which is something I think that only happens in porn movies or drunken college encounters.  In any event, it's not sexy. 
• When they decide to have deviant sex, I just don't get it.  Maybe the restraining of the hands I can get, but things like spreader bars, plugs, canes, whips, clamps and whatever else they're into have absolutely no allure to me.  I usually just skimmed these sections to figure out what their next argument was going to be about. 

And the language!  Such a potty mouth on that Anastasia Steele!  Actually, it's a potty mind, since it's always her inner monologue that's cussing up a storm.  Do people really say "f*ck my man looks good!" to themselves? Also, what the hell is with her inner goddess and her subconscious?  Are those not the two most annoying entities in the history of the world, and has anyone ever thought of themselves in these terms?  Like, when I decide to get a little crazy at Panda Express and try the spicy Black Pepper Chicken, my inner badass does not say "f*ck yeah!" as he bench presses 400 lbs.  Conversely, when I happen to wander across a free preview of Cinemax showing some movie called "The Hills have Thighs," my inner altar boy doesn't sulk in the corner.  Can you imagine how exhausting it must be to be her?  She's constantly talking to herself, critiquing every single decision she makes over and over and over.  While I'm sure that just acting without thinking gets me in trouble from time to time (my wife is nodding emphatically right now), it's definitely more fun than second guessing myself all the time. 

My other big problem with the series is that my favorite character in the books is Taylor, who says maybe five words a book.  Who is he?  How did he end up employed by Grey?  What happened to his marriage?  I picture him to be a young Liam Neeson in "Taken."  It's obvious that the author wants you to think that there's something there between Taylor and Ana, but it's also quite obvious that nothing will happen between the two of them because it would completely destroy every one's life.  I mean, this girl apparently went anorexic after dating Grey for two weeks because he smacked her around with a belt (at her request), and we're supposed to believe that there's a chance she'd cheat on him with his most trusted employee? 

In short, these books are entertaining in an awful sort of way...sort of like "Dude Where's My Car" or any of those parody movies like "Scary Movie" or "Hot Shots Part Deux."  Just don't take them too seriously.  Remember, you're talking about a book where some of the most cutting edge research in the world is being done at a branch campus of Washington State University which has a student newspaper called the "VanCougar." Yeesh.

My Apologies to Rebecca Soni

I love everything about the Olympics.  Mostly I love that (most) of these people aren't bazillionaires with endorsement deals up the wazoo that are competing out of their love of the sport or their country or the competition.  And sure, some of them probably are competing with the hope of getting an endorsement deal worth bazillions, but the point is they aren't there yet.  They're teenagers, college students, and tax accountants who happen to be really good at trap shooting.  I love the emotion on a swimmers face when they touch the wall and spin around to see what place they are in.  Even better, I love the look on the face of someone who knows they've won, but spun around anyways to find out if they set a world record.  It's just awesome.  I like finding out that a gold medalist from a country with a population smaller than Gresham sets off a celebration in his homeland that shuts down the whole island.

As a result of this love for the Olympics, I try to watch as much as possible.  I've been keeping tabs on the handball tournament (I've been particularly impressed with Norway's womens team, who came back from six goals down today to beat Brazil, the top seeded team).  I've learned what an Amanar vault is, and I watched quite a bit of the equestrian event one morning, simultaneously hoping for and against a horse to trip and toss its rider (it happened once, and it was the most terrifying and exciting thing I saw all day). 

All this watching has left me quite sleep deprived, thanks to NBC's insistence on running the "good" events until Midnight every night.  The worst part about their Olympic coverage is the idea that anyone watching the Olympics needs to be entertained with Mary Carillo gallivanting around London pretending to be James Bond playing "Go Fish" at a casino.  Would you really rather watch that or a random 400M hurdles heat?  Awful. 

After one of these particularly long nights of Olympic coverage, as I lay in bed trying to go to sleep, I started thinking about how great it would be to talk to an Olympian, to find out firsthand what their experience was like.  Now I don't know any Olympians off the top of my head, so I was thinking how I could meet one.  The answer, of course, is the Internet.  I mean, if I can meet my wife online, why can't I meet an Olympian?  So where to Olympians hang out online? 

Twitter. 

So I'm thinking "I should tweet an Olympian."  Unfortunately, most twinteractions (get it?  Twitter and interactions combined) with quasi celebrities consist of "OMG YOU R SO AWSUM - CAN I GET A RT FOR MY DYING DOG?" to which the celeb will respond "sure!" and that's it.  Even if I got an actual question to an Olympian, they'd have to read it and think it was worthy of more than just hitting the retweet button, or replying with a one word response before moving on to the next tweet."  Not the best plan to accomplish my goal.  My next thought was "how do I make Twitter work for me?"  It occurred to me that I saw somewhere that Michael Phelps plays a lot of Words with Friends - a game I really like playing.  How cool would it be to play an Olympian in a knock off version of Scrabble on their iPhone?  So I made this my mission:  To play an Olympian in Words with Friends.

As I mentioned above, the best way to get a celebrity to retweet you is first compliment them, then ask for a RT because of some reason.  Usually this reason revolves around someone having cancer or a cause, such as "can I get a RT for rape victims?"  No celebrity wants to look like the person who doesn't care about rape victims, right?  Also, I'll typically notice that people begging for RT's will shamelessly send umpteen requests for retweets to umpteen celebrities in a row.  I didn't want to look that desperate.  I really only a little desperate, and not using something awful like disease or crime victims to achieve my goal.  So I used my birthday.  Also, I wasn't going to blanket every Olympian with a tweet asking to play WWF. My first attempt at this, I tweeted at Kevin Love, Aly Raisman, and someone else, and I felt like a jersey chaser.  So I needed to pick an intended target.  Here was my criteria:

• Had to be an American.  While it would be cool to play an Olympian from Italy, the language barrier would make the game play difficult. 
• Had to be active on Twitter
• Had to have at least some level of fame.  Not because I don't think our trampolinist wouldn't be fun to play, or was less deserving, but since I was only going to tweet at one Olympian, I wanted it to be someone who, on the off chance they decided not to play me but would retweet my request would have a better chance of it being seen by other Olympians.
• Had to be an adult.  While it would be somewhat cool to say "I played a game online against the reigning gold medalist in women's all around gymnastics," I'd also have to say "I'm interacting with a 16 year old girl online."  Chris Hansen can tell you how that usually turns out.
• Had to have a short Twitter handle.  The longer the handle, the less characters you have to get your point across. 

Thus I decided on 200M breaststroke world record holder Rebecca Soni.  She didn't respond....shocking, right?  I tried tweeting at the official US Olympic twitter page, but that wasn't happening either.  I tried using a hashtag (#TeamUSA)  over and over, but it didn't work.  I made one more run at Ms. Soni, but then I just felt kinda creepy about the whole thing and bagged my idea.  Bottom line is that I suck at Twitter.  As evidenced by this blog, I'm a volume writer.  I don't really excel at getting my point across in 140 characters.  I haven't really embraced the hashtag thing, and I more often than not just invent my own, which defeats the purpose of the hashtag, as no one is going to be looking for a tag they don't know exists.  Twitter is this strange universe where ordinary people have a direct line to celebrities and tend to abuse that opportunity by talking crap about their physical appearance or lifestyle choices. 

Bottom line, it's much harder to converse with an Olympian than I first thought it would be.  Then again, I was thinking this in the middle of the night after watching four straight hours of fantastic Olympic coverage (aside from the painful Mary Carillo puff pieces that make me want to never watch the Olympics again).  Also, Rebecca Soni, I'm sorry for bothering you, and I promise I'm not a creepy stalker.  I just wanted to play a little knock-off Scrabble with an Olympian and ask them a few questions, like

• What's the best non competition moment you had?
• What kind of interactions (if any) did you have with athletes from other countries in other sports?
• If you're planning on competing in the 2016 games, when will you start training in earnest for that, or when did you start training for London? 
• What percentage of an average day did you devote to making it to London?  Did you feel guilty if you went to see a movie or read a book instead of working on your technique in front of a mirror? 
• How jealous are you of Michael Phelps?
• Do you think/know some of your competitors are doping? 
• Did your parents have to take out a second mortgage or go bankrupt to get you here? (Just kidding on that one....it's absolutely abhorrent to me that the media is reporting on the financial situations of athletes parents.)

Bachelorette: Finale/After the Final Tears errrr..Rose

Welcome to the live finale of the Bachelorette!  What a long, strange trip this has been.  First Chris tells us to do all we can to prevent mass murders at movie theaters.  Will do Chris.  It seems almost like that was thrown in just to prove to America this this is actually filmed live.  Even weirder, Chris then thanks everyone for applauding when he says this.  Alright then.

On to the main event....and Emily says she's still hesitant about introducing Ricki to the guys.  Really?  Why?  You like them both, you claim you're in love with both of them, and one of them is going to (allegedly) be your fiance.  The other is never going to see Ricki again.  I'm not sure if she's hesitant because she's worried Ricki will like the other one or what?  I don't get it.

Family time, and I think Emily's mom is probably overdue for a pack of Camel Lites based on her voice.  I gotta admit, I missed most of the conversation because Jonah wants help with his video game, and Jocelyn is trying to unplug the computer.  Emily's brother looks like he's ready to crack some skulls and play the "bad cop."  Unfortunately, he can't back that up, and says that he loves Jef's sincerity.  Highlight of this conversation is Jef going in for the hip half handshake, half high five combo and Emily's uber conservative, buttoned up brother looking like he had no clue what was happening, but awkwardly trying to go with it.

This family is too easy!  Dad offers even less resistance, giving Jef his blessing after about 3.5 seconds.  Jef definitely has the "I'm completely sincere and no danger whatsoever to your loved one" look about him.  Arie's in trouble based on image perceptions. 

I think I'm going to get seriously annoyed with the live studio shots after every commercial break.  There's only so much screaming female audience I can take.  Wait...we're already going to Arie's turn with the family?  Interesting that they're going to show these dates concurrently instead of seeing Jef's "journey" to its completion and then showing Arie's. 

Arie gets off to a rough start...first he has to follow Jef, who killed it with the family.  Then, he tries to make a self depricating joke about fishing that gets nothing but crickets in response.  Oof.  Arie tries to recover by giving Emily's family a little box of dried roses.  Personally, I think it's creepy.  Emily's mom thinks it's great, of course.  Rachel just comments that Arie's mom and Emily's mom are the same person in her mind.  Great point.  I could see them drinking screwdrivers in a luxury box at the racetrack during one of Arie's races. 

Mom is torn, because she thought Jef was the cat's pajamas, but now so is Arie!  What the heck?  Maybe the brother will be tougher.  Again, Bro starts out all tough, asking if Arie's in it to win it or actually in love.  Arie's response is "the brother's approval is very important, which is exactly what someone who was just playing the game would say.  Of course, the brother buys it, and everyone loves Arie too!  What's a girl to do? The family loves both of them. 

Emily says the best scenario would be her family picking one guy over the other.  Unless, of course, they picked the guy she didn't really want.  Emily's dad finally gets her to lay her cards on the table.  He says "you can't love more than one guy.  Emily says "I never said I did!"  Her dad says "so you do love one more than the other!"  Emily says "I never said that either!"  Oh cut the bullshit ABC.  She made her choice weeks ago, and we're just all being strung along.  Emily's mom says "don't get engaged...you gotta be in this 100%."  Emily, after weeks and weeks of telling us that she's got these amazing guys that she loves so much and blah blah blah, now is having doubts about saying yes to either one of the guys.  Fake drama galore! 

We're back, and Jef's having a big heart to heart with Emily on the beach.  He's saying his usual insightful things, but this rogue strand of hair on his head is point accusingly at Emily the whole time as if to say "Damn you for stringing me on this long!  I know you're picking Arie you temptress!"  He also seems to be questioning Emily's decision to hold Ricki out of the picture this long.....to which Emily says "it's a big decision, ya know?"  You're right, it is Emily.  Jef says "what would you think if you fell in love with someone whose daughter you'd never met?  Emily responds "I'd think it's weird, ya know?"  No shit, Emily, that's exactly what he's been saying the entire time.  Emily then says "surprise!  you're amazing and because you're so amazing, you should meet Ricki, right now!"  As they walk down the beach to rendezvous with Lil' Ricki, Emily says "if this meeting doesn't go well, that would absolutely be the end of our relationship, no questions asked."  So, she just put the fate of her relationship on a two hour meeting with a seven year old.  Hope Ricki took a nap today, Jef!  If someone forgot to take the crust off of her PB&J, Jef could be screwed.

Before actually meeting her in the pool, they first spy on her through a window....totally normal.  The meeting, of course, goes well.  This could be because Jef and Ricki are about the same age in their minds.  Jef has the ability to say things that would sound patronizing when said by other guys, but with him it sounds genuine.  Him wearing the ridiculously big pink snorkel mask just seems like something he'd do even if he wasn't playing with a seven year old.  It's a pretty normal day with a seven year old, except for Emily making Ricki thank Jef for the puppet that Ricki didn't know existed, and still hasn't received.  That made me chuckle.  At the end of the night, Emily said "I told you it'd go great...no pressure at all!"  Yeah, except for that whole "I'm kicking your ass to the curb if she doesn't like you."  My own son on occasion has told me that he hates me when he's tired and cranky.  So.....yeah, that possibility existed.  We'll see what happens with Arie.

First, we have a night cap with Jef.  Highlight of this conversation is Jef saying "I can tell you're a great mom," but not looking at Emily when he says it.  If this were the Mentalist or some other brainy cop show, we'd hear someone tell us that's a sign of someone not being truthful.  High comedy.  Jef then gives Emily the ceremonial "I'm in the final two, so here's a sentimental gift that is incredibly corny."  He gives her a book about Curacao, but he drew stick figures in there doing stuff that they didn't even do on the island.  Of course, Emily says it's perfect and that she'll keep it forever - unless of course she picks Arie.  Can you imagine Arie coming home after a tough day at the office - err....race track -   and seeing a book about Curacao and wanting to relive his good times with Emily and seeing these stick figures in there and saying "oh that's cute that Ricki drew some pictures in there!" only to find out is was the other guy Emily was with in Curacao.  Awesome!

Time to fill time on this long show.  Let's have Chris interview random women in the audience!  First, he interviews a woman named Paisley.  She was named after a pattern!  Paisley sounds like she's a little jealous that Emily has Jef's heart.  The next lady says she can "relate to Emily" and that having someone love you and your kid is more attractive than a hot pair of jeans.   Yeesh.  Apparently jeans lady and the next yellow shirted woman both had boring names, because Chris doesn't give them the chance to introduce themselves.  Yellowshirt says she wants Emily to pick Arie so the rest of America can have Jef.  I don't know if Jef is one of those guys from Utah that is pro-polygamy, but I'm guessing he could find more than a few women across America willing to sister-wife it up with him if this doesn't work out.

Emily calls Chris over to tell him that she's chosen Jef.  Holy crap, did not see that one coming.   Part of me wants to commend Emily for making a decision ahead of the predetermined show timeline, but part of me thinks Emily doesn't want to give Arie a final chance because she knows Jef's the safe choice and there's no risk.  Interesting.  I really thought she'd pick Arie.  He seems more her speed (no racing pun intended.)  Guess that Curacao coffee table book is going to get to live a long, happy life.

Now we get a horrible, horrible vignette of Arie on a date by himself making a love potion with a native woman as he talks about how great the rest of his life with Emily is going to be.  What a stomach punch for this dude.  Cue the sad music and Emily looking like she's going to throw up.  Yet, despite the fact that she teared up when Chris said her name, she seems to be pretty composed as she kisses Arie hello and lets him talk about his love potion.  Only once she sits him down on the bench does she lose it.  Arie's gotta know he's in trouble now.  How horrible is it that Arie's the last person to know he's getting dumped?  Moreover, Emily never really explains that Jef's won her heart.  She just keeps telling Arie how amazing he is and how she thought it was going to be him and her and her family loved him and on and on.  Never once does she mention Jef.  Finally, she says "I had more confindence in Jef, ya know?"  Awful.  She just basically told Arie she didn't trust him, and he rightfully gets up and walks off.  High five to Arie for handling that train wreck as well as possible.  He didn't yell, but he made it clear he wasn't happy.  He did just enough comforting Emily to make sure she didn't turn into a blubbering pile of goo....at least until after he was in the car.  Arie says "it's unreal that it's over" then makes a face that looks like someone who thinks that they should cry right now, but just can't.  Arie seems way too composed and rational for someone who just got killed on TV like he did.  Even more awful is the cut immediately to the studio audience full of women with forlorn looks on their faces like they're at a funeral. 

Coming back from break, let's see what Ashley and JP think about this, because this is the most boring couple in the history of this show.  I love the fact that former cast members are now experts on love here.  Then they bring out Ashley S. - you know, the girl who cried so hard when Brad dumped her that I thought she'd get a bloody nose.  My God - what happened to her?  I'm thinking that if she'd had that body when she was on the show, Brad would've kept her around a little longer.  She's had some serious work done lately. 

Before we come back, I'm wondering when Emily's going to tell Jef that she sent Arie home.  My guess is not until after he's proposed.  Make the guy sweat it out as long as possible. 

We get to see Emily takl about how much love she has in her heart and how great she feels now.  We also get to see Ricki and Emily walk around and draw a heart in the sand that says "Mommy and Ricki."  I really wish it would've said "Mommy and Jef."  Too bad.

Jef now gets to meet Neil Lane and spill his guts to the ring guy.  Because I know I had a deep heart to heart with the lady at the Shane Company before I bought Rachel's engagement ring.  I love the staged shots of Jef and Emily staring thoughtfully out windows and staring at rings and trying on dresses as they talk about how in love they are.  Just so great.  Emily's still talking about how she's scared she's going to make the wrong decision.  Little late now, isn't it?  She apparently is still unsure if she'll say yes when Jef proposes.  Does it hinge on his proposal?  Like, if he gives an amazing speech and she loves the ring, is she suddenly going to say "you know what?  YES!"  or say he trips coming up the stairs...does that mean she's going to say no, but we can still date long distance for a while?  I'm suddenly envisioning Emily saying she won't accept his proposal yet, that she wants to keep dating him, but she's going back to North Carolina for a while and they'll date long distance or something.  Jef being Jef, will probably say "well why don't I come to NC for a while?  I'll live in a hotel and we'll just date like normal people."  Then Jef falls in love with NC and they end up staying there and she never has to move to Utah and then starts selling books on how to manipulate your man.  Brilliant.

Emily says "I'm not going to be the girl who gets engaged 15 times before she gets married."  HAS THERE EVER BEEN THAT GIRL?  Emily has got to be in a pretty select few people who have been engaged twice and not made it to the altar.  Moreover, she has to be the only person ever to have her first fiance die in an airplane crash and have her second fiance be the product of a failed reality show romance.  If she really wants to go for 15, she's got 12 more seasons of the Bachelorette to go....or one really amazing season of Bachelor Pad....zing!

It's proposal time, and Jef predictably knocks it out of the park.  The guy is good.  Hopefully third time is the charm for Emily, because she's engaged AGAIN!  I love that they have the live studio audience's applause playing in the background.  We then get a great montage of their relationship sent to an awesome '80's power ballad.  My favorite part is the lyric "I'll be a knight in shining armor" as Jef flings an arrow at a target with his hair flapping in the wind while wearing a kilt.  Awesome.  Jef - a knight for the 21st Century and beyond. 

After the final rose.....I don't really have it in me to keep this blog going, because I'm getting tired and two hours if more than enough for me tonight.  Special thanks goes out to my wife, who basically co-wrote this blog tonight.  If you laughed at anything in this blog, it was probably something she said that I transcribed.  I just didn't have it  going tonight.  Thanks to you all who read this too.  It just wouldn't be worth doing this every week if I logged in on Tuesday and saw I had three page hits and they were all me checking to see if anyone had read it yet. 

Bachelorette: Men Tell All

Welcome to the show with the most misleading name in television!  It should be called "The Men, Empowered by a Live TV Audience full of Needy Women, Try to Impress America by Bagging on The Guy(s) America Loved to Hate as Much as Possible."  So get ready for a lot of dissing Ryan and Kalon.  "Telling All" implies we'll learn something we previously didn't know, which absolutely won't happen.  Instead, we'll rehash the same issues over and over.  We'll talk about Kalon calling Ricki baggage for about half an hour, and every time Kalon goes to open his mouth, some other guy will shout him down and tell him why he's an idiot.  At least that's my prediction.  Also, we'll hear from Emily who will try to make us all believe that this was the worst two weeks of her life as she tried to decide which guy to marry.  Yeah, I hate having an all expenses paid trip to Curacao with my family and two people who are madly in love with me.  Bummer, dude. Another thing I hope to see tonight:  Ricki.  Remember her?  Remember how she was going to be "so important" to this decsion?  She's been an afterthought.  She was in Charlotte, but the closest anyone got to meeting her was Ryan sitting in the car at her soccer practice.  She also went to one of the Caribbean Islands (I forget which) but spent a majority of the time with the nanny and then was shipped back to the states while mommy kept going on dates.  Since then, she's popped up once when Emily had a layover in North Carolina on her way to Los Angeles.  Look, I have no problem with Emily going this alone - the girl is seven and really doesn't need to be auditioning people to be her daddy for God's sake - but don't feed us this crap about how you're treating this season differently because she's a mom, because the only thing that's been different is the change of venue.  Well, they didn't do the fantasy suite thing, but I suppose that it's possible they just showed the guys leaving, then shut the cameras off and let the guys go back and get freaky with Emily. 

Ok, onto the show.  Guess what?  Looks like a lot of bashing Kalon and Ryan!  But first, here's an interview with Emily!

Chris asks how hard it is to be a single mom and be the Bachelorette.  Emily says it's "hard in real life and it's hard as the Bachelorette."  However, Emily seems to think that Ricki still got her "mommy time."  Again, this was true for about two weeks.  We'll just pretend those last seven didn't happen.  Now we delve into a season recap, and it starts with...wait for it.....Ryan and Kalon!  Ryan saying "I'll still love you, I just won't love on you as much" seems more like a tongue in cheek joke than an actual stupid comment.  At least that's my opinion. We get to relive Doug's most awkward moment ever - Thanks for that - and then it's onto the first commercial.  So far, I'm wondering why I even watch this show.  It's awful.  Slightly entertaining is Emily cussing a blue streak when she spills a drink on her dress, then saying "I'm supposed to be a lady."  Yep...maybe the real Emily is hood rat and backwoods.

We get a quick recap of my favorite guy of the season, Travis, and my least favorite thing about him, his stupid egg.  Travis was funny.  Also funny, Arie's brothers peeping on Emily from the bushes.  Emily says she had no idea they were there, but she's got one leg up on America - we didn't even know they existed.

Now we get a quick preview of the new season of Bachelor Pad.  Highlights:

• Blakely crying on the floor holding a glass of wine in one hand and a rose in the other.  I think this sums up the Bachelor universe in one image.  Awesome
• Really, there's no other highlights.  Nothing will top that.  
• Tony's on the show, but other than holding some cups on a challenge, he didn't really factor into the promo.  
• I also liked Rachel saying that the newcomers didn't earn the right to be here because they didn't get dumped on national tv.  As if having a relationship fizzle out after two actual dates some how qualifies you for a chance at $250,000.  You know who else got dumped after a few dates?  The entire dating public in the world.  You're not special.  Stop it.

Switching gears, we're half an hour in and we're finally bringing out the guys to "tell all."  The way Travis is talking about the egg almost makes it sound like it wasn't his idea.  Thinking about this, it makes sense...ABC just picks a few guys that have to use some props in their intros.  I don't know why this didn't dawn on me sooner!  Maybe it wasn't Tony's idea to bring out the glass slipper...maybe when they got in the limo, ABC said "and......Tony!  You get to give this slipper to Emily.  Good luck!"

In some of the recaps we're reminded of what a dad Doug was.  I think he missed his son so much he adopted the other 24 guys in the house.  Man, Doug was great TV. 

I'm finding this is way more difficult to blog about becasue the guys are talking sixty miles an hour and interrupting each other.  I can't keep up.  Chris is still grumpy that the other guys thought he was immature.  Charlie, who had trouble with public speaking on the show, suddenly is able to high-five, cuss and call Kalon "dude" all while talking about how he was "himself the whole time."  Another highlight is Kalon talking about how great of friends he is with Chris and Tony, while Tony and Chris kind of look at their feet and try not to laugh.  Harrison picks up on it and calls them out, leading to a riotous fit of laughter.  At this point I was planning on posting a picture Tony had put on his facebook page of him, Chris and Kalon with the caption "Boys for Life!" but it appears he took it down.  I can only assume that someone at ABC saw it and was told him that they were still trying to advance the "Kalon is a dick that nobody likes" scenario and he needed to disappear that photo.  Phenomenal.

We get our half an hour of baggage talk, but the most bizarre part of this whole segment is Doug's response to the question "is it ok to call kids baggage?"  His response is "No, it's not ok.  I mean, kids can't help but be there, they're just hanging out saying "hey, someone take care of me."  What the hell?  Doug, defender of the meek and mild, is saying "well of course kids are baggage, but it's not their fault, so you can't really say it out loud...duh!"  This whole production is a sham, and anyone watching at home that starts falling in love with a person on this show should check themselves.  You may as well fall in love with Edward Cullen or Jack Sparrow, because the "personalities" on these reality shows are no more real than they are.

I do love how easily the other guys irritate Chris.  Ryan just keeps talking over Chris and he keeps getting madder and madder.  Chris rolls his eyes at every perceived slight and it is awesome.  Ryan is just owning this show.  He's talking about writing in his diary and making T-shirts that say "I'll love you but won't love on you."  The Bachelorette is officially the professional wrestling of primetime television. 

Why we're putting Chris in the hot seat is beyond me.  This guy has said more throughout the entire season than anyone else.  I don't need to hear any more from this guy.  I love that Chris is trying to get us to sympathize that he brought a girl home to meet his family and then she dumped him.  Except that ABC made the decision on when she met your family, and she was dating three other guys at the time.  How do you not prepare yourself for that?  Chris then just starts rambling about death and losing friends and how he means everything he says.  Just stop talking, for the love of God. 

Sean's up next and Chris sets it up as a relationship that was on the fast track to marriage before the train derailed.  His exact words were "then it all went wrong."  Did it?  Because what I saw was her sadly letting him go because she cared about two other guys more.  Not that he did something "wrong."  Also, we get to rehash their "breakup" from last week, and I'm pissed off at myself for not commenting on Emily's outfit.  She looks like a mermaid!  Or as Rachel puts it "who pairs a Hanes grey tank top with a shimmery skirt?"  Sean then starts his conversation with Chris by saying word for word the exact same thing he just told us in the reject limo.  I also found it incredibly interesting that he continues to profess his love for Emily, yet never refers to her as Emily.  She's always "that girl" or "her."  Oh, and the loudest cheer of the night was when they showed a clip of Sean taking his shirt off.  These women are so predictable.

Now it's time to bring out Emily, and she gets into a fantastic back and forth with Kalon, where she calls out his recent Twitter feeds.  He offers up some well wishes and she responds with "you'll make a great politician, because that was a huge load of crap."  I'll counter that Emily herself would also make a good politicitian, if you'll remember the outtake from two hours ago (God, this show is too long) where she starts cussing and says "I'm supposed to be a lady."  Of course the crowd of women is firmly in her corner, with a lot of emphatic clapping, nodding and "you go girl!" looks of approval. 

All that's left is a ten minute preview of next weeks episode.  I wish they'd just done a full ten minutes of Arie and Emily kissing with Prince playing in the background on a loop.  Sadly, it's not to be.  How much footage do you think they have of Emily and Arie kissing?  Like two hours worth?  How much kissing did they actually do?  Could they have filled an entire episode with them making out?  Should that be available as an extra on ABC.com? 

Bachelorette Week 9: Better Late Than Never

I had decided to take a week off from blogging, but after hearing from a couple people that they'd recommended this blog to friends and requests from coworkers for the link, I decided I'd throw one up here.  On a related note, I do want to thank everyone who has read this blog and or shared it with friends.  I enjoy writing it, so it's always nice to hear that other people enjoy reading it as well.  I'm not sure there is anything more depressing than a blog that nobody reads.  It's like the 21st century version of "if a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" If a blog is posted on the Internet and nobody clicks on it, was it ever really posted?  Anyways, again I say thanks. 

On to Emily, who humblebrags her way through the opening:  "How crazy is it that three amazing guys want to date me?"  We start with the now standard opening of Emily handicapping the remaining contestants chances.  Sean's first, and we get to see him talking about Ricki being his daughter no matter if she calls him Sean or anything else.  I still am uncomfortable with the idea of guys talking about parenting a kid that they've never met.

Next up is Jef, and I like that Emily says that her and Jef have the same sense of humor "deep down," and that Jef is so comfortable with himself and lets everyone see his goofy side.  I guess this means Emily is self conscious about the fact that she's a huge dork too.  We get to see Jef chuck his skateboard into the bushes again, and I cringed, remembering how much I hated that guy at the beginning of the season.

Then we get a montage of Emily and Arie making out and get to hear how strongly she is attracted to him.  She likes Arie because he would "worship her forever."  I think I know what she meant, but it sort of came off as if she wants someone who's going to run around dropping rose petals on the ground in front of her and doing all the chores and stuff while she eats grapes on a lounge chair.  But who am I kidding....with all the auto racing money in Arie's family plus the money Emily probably gets from Ricki's grandparents, neither of them will ever do any chores.

She then tells us that "everything she's been through" has forced her to "look at love more realistically."  She says this AS SHE'S DRAWING "EMILY + ?" ON THE BEACH IN CURACAO.  I'm not sure what's "realistic" about making out with three guys in three days on a Caribbean island KNOWING that all three guys want to propose to you, but whatever.

For some more realism, Sean shows up and they hop in a helicopter and head to a private island for some chatting about Sean's past.  Emily seems determined to get Sean to say "I love you."  She seems to hint that Sean could get the boot if he doesn't say the big L.  Emily continues to press him to say it, and Sean keeps saying how much he "wants to tell her how he really feels."  Well be a man and say it then, dude.  Shocking to me that this guy can talk about how prepared he is to be a father to a seven year old he's never met, yet can't tell the woman he loves that he loves her.  My favorite part is where he starts telling her how crazy he is about her, and then when an obvious moment comes to say "I love you" he instead goes with "I forgot what I was going to say."  Really?  That's the best you could come up with?  Perhaps he sensed in himself that he wasn't going to be able to spit out the words without having a few glasses of wine at dinner, because he immediately changes the subject and suggests they go snorkeling.  We get no shots of them snorkeling, but plenty of them making out in the ocean. 

On to dinner, where Emily wears a classy summery dress and Sean rocks a v-neck white t-shirt and some beach shorts.  She seems to wonder if he really loves him since he hasn't said it yet.  If you're not sure if he loves you, why are you pressing him so much to say it?  Couldn't this backfire on her?  Couldn't he be like "to be honest, I'm not there yet?"  Or if she's so certain he is in love with her, why is it so important he says it?   Very confusing.  Even more confusing is Sean writing a letter....to Ricki.  A couple of quick thoughts on this note:

• Sean's handwriting is very girlish.  It looks like it was written by a seventeen year old girl practicing writing her name with the varsity quarterback's last name.  All that was missing was the hearts drawn over the i's. 
• His letter was very clearly not written to Ricki.  He used words like "overwhelms" and  talks about "honoring your mother."  These are not concepts that make sense to a seven year old.
• He says "I'm not trying to replace your father, but you will forever be my daughter."  Ricki never met her father, and she's seven.  A seven year old is not going to look at a guy coming in as trying to make her forget about her father.  She's going to take one look at him, ask if he wants to play dollies and that's it.  It's just creepy. 

Emily, of course, loves it....mostly because she realizes that it was written for her benefit.  This still reeks of Sean trying to impress Emily by talking about how much he's going to care for her daughter, but again, until he meets her, they're kind of empty promises.  Sean then makes a comment about how never in a million years did he think he'd come on this show and have these feelings.  You know, those feelings he still can't bring himself to say out loud.  If you thought you had no shot of falling in love on the show, why'd you go on then buddy?  Sounds like somebody wasn't on the show "for the right reasons!"

Emily then gives him the fantasy suite card, and Sean enthusiastically says he's up for it.  Emily says that the fibers in her body say yes, but the fibers in her head say no.  They end up going to the fantasy suite, but then sit on the couch and talk for a while, where Sean's feelings come bursting out of him like an erupting volcano.  Emily then sends him home with a sweet kiss.  Apparently this was done to set an example for her daughter that you shouldn't sleep with multiple guys in a week.  I'm not sure that the example is going to be effective when she keeps talking about how much she wants to.  Sean says he understands, but really wishes he had gotten the chance to stay all night with her to "talk" some more.  Sure buddy...we all saw how excited you were to accept that fantasy suite invitation.

Emily and Jef get to go on a boat around Curacao.  Jef keeps up his 14 year old personality, saying "look where we are....the middle of the ocean!"  No kidding Jef.  This kind of reminds me of a friend of mine who used to employ a tactic I called "third grade reporter" with girls.  He'd ask them all these fluffy, silly questions that the girls would giggle at, but they clearly loved the attention.  It was way more effective than I could have ever imagined. Seems to be working for Jef too. 

Also working for Jef is his sincerity when talking about their future.  In a stark contrast to Sean, who said something about looking forward to his future with Emily (before Emily quickly reminded him that Ricki would be there too), Jef is quick to point out that Ricki comes first and that he hopes that he can be the "second most important person in Emily's life."  Jef might be kinda dorky and try too hard to express his individuality, but he very clearly is not stupid, something I can't honestly say about Sean or Arie.  I also appreciate Jef's straightforward approach.  He just pounds Emily with probing questions, not waiting for her to dictate the conversation.  He wants to know where she would like to live (and again she kicks Brad Womack right in his nuts by saying she'd be happy to move where ever as long as Jef is there), why she's still single when she's so amazing and seems to attract other amazing guys, (which is a brilliant way of phrasing what is essentially the question "So, you're still single, what's wrong with you?") and if he'd be a good fit with her daughter.  When you view her relationship with Sean and her relationship with Jef, it's pretty clear that Jef and Emily are more compatible.  They're way past beating around the bush of what their feelings are and writing notes - Jef did that way back in London, loser!

Fantasy suite invitation is out...and Jef, like Emily with Sean earlier, talks about how much he'd like to, but recognizes that their families will be watching and "it's not just us" making this decision. I'm still not sure that you're sending the right message when you talk about it in terms of "if this weren't on tv and nobody would know except for us, I'd totally roll around with you in the fantasy suite."  You're not exactly looking like a pillar of morality in these moments guys.  Jef follows it up by saying "I want to spend every night with you in our own fantasy suite (smooth) and "I want  to watch 1,000 sunsets with you" (not as smooth, since this basically comes out to 3 years of watching sunsets....what happens then Jef?)

Emily remarks that she's a little bummed that Jef turned her down on the fantasy suite because she wanted to turn him down?  I'm not sure what this means, but it sounds like she's upset that Jef came to the decision she was going to come to anyways on his own.  Reminds me of those cartoons where the criminal mastermind is trying to come up with a plan and the doofus henchman suggests something that the mastermind scoffs at, then suggests they do the exact same thing.  Is Emily a criminal mastermind, perhaps?

Arie's up next, and he's wearing almost the same outfit Sean wore on his dinner date - plain white T and blue beach shorts.  Makes more sense on a boat though.  I'd like to say that I learned a lot about Arie and Emily's relationship on this date, but it's essentially a five minute montage of them kissing with a little bit of dolphin footage mixed in.  Emily is a little apprehensive around the dolphins, but marvels that Arie "isn't afraid of anything!" So not being afraid of a non-aggressive, probably trained, sea mammal makes you a manly man?  Just call me Paul Bunyan then!  Also, for reference....the first thing that comes up when you google "dolphin attack" is a wiki answer claiming there's only one confirmed human death at the hands (flippers?) of a dolphin, and this video is the second.  Clearly these are animals you should watch out for. 

more kissing, more kissing, more talking about kissing, more kissing, more talking about kissing.......

Apparently they've been making out so much that they've forgotten to ask a few vital questions like "what is it exactly that you do besides race cars?"  Clearly these two are ready for marriage. Arie says that he wakes up at 9, goes to the shop for a while, then goes out to dinner with friends and comes home on a typical day.  I shudder to think about him walking into a house as an instant father.  I can't even remember the last time I woke up after 8 am, and it's been even longer since I had dinner with friends after work.  Arie's anxious to show Emily how good he is with kids and how ready he is to be a father.  His "strategy" for being a dad is to "be her buddy" first.  I guess this is in contrast to walking in the door and barking at her to clean up her room and yell "don't make me come up there young lady!"  Emily seems to think that this answer shows how much thought he's put into being a father and says "I didn't give him enough credit."  This seems to be the equivalent of Arie making her a grilled cheese sandwich and her saying "I had no idea he was such a good cook!" 

Arie then says that he knows how tough this must be on Emily and that he "could never be in her shoes."  I'm suddenly hoping she picks Sean or Jef and Arie jumps at the chance to be our next bachelor.  Sorry Lamar Hurd, you'll have to wait.  I love watching people contradict themselves on national television.

The rose ceremony is up next, and Emily is a mess.  She's totally in love with these guys and it's so hard for her to make a choice.  She mentions that she she's falling in love with each of them....in different ways.  I'm thinking this means that she loves two of them as friends, but she's got to keep up appearances.  Emily says thinking about tonight makes her sad, because she's had "so much fun" on this journey.  Not because she's going to have to dump somebody she loves, but because her 10 week party is coming to an end.  The guys all made videos for her, and I was hoping that someone would say "I love you, but I know you've got other relationships going on and I want you to know that I'm going to be ok with whatever you decide.  Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."  These guys have all watched the show before and know how nerve wracking the final few rose ceremonies are on the bachelor/ette.  Of course nobody does this.  I guess you're opening yourself up to be sent home because you've sort of given her an easy way out, but then again if she's going to send you home because you tried to lighten the burden on her, clearly she had no intention of marrying you in the first place.  Emily looks like she's about to puke by the time the videos are done rolling.  She also feels bad that she's going to have to break a guys heart tonight.  You know why one of these guys hearts is going be broken tonight?  Because you told Sean he's "the perfect guy," you told Jef that you he was the guy "you pictured in your house with your daughter," and you've swapped so much saliva with Arie that you're now 1/4 Dutch. 

And the broken hearted dude du jour is....Sean!  Emily's sort of psycho friend from Charlotte that made Sean take his shirt off back in week three is pissed.  Sean seems kind of shocked.  Emily walks him to a bench, then unbelievably asks him what he's thinking.  Really?  You're going to make him do the talking right now?  You should be the one trying to console him, but instead you're crying and he's having to rub your back and tell you it's going to be ok?  Poor form, Ems. 

Scenes from the finale seem to show Emily making the decision to not marry anyone, but I'm 99.9999% sure this is clever editing by ABC to make us all think that.  Also, I'm a little surprised that there's not a single teaser shot of Ricki.  Does she not even come?  Is she seriously going to accept a marriage proposal without the guy even meeting her daughter?  Yikes.  My opinion is that she should choose Jef, but my guess is that she picks Arie because he's the "safe" pick.  He's a race car driver, he comes from money, and that's what she knows.  Plus, she's probably pictured herself doing the dirty with him so many times she'll have to pick Arie just to see if it measures up (no pun intended) to the fantasy she's built up in her mind. 

Next week is "the reunion show you don't want to miss."  ABC should throw us a curve sometime and say "you know what?  Skip this Men Tell All show, it's not that great." 

Bachelorette - Eddie Money Edition

The title's a reference to this song, in case you're not hip (or a fan of cheesy jokes).  Hometown dates y'all!

But first....

It's time for some mommy/daughter bonding. featuring Emily wearing some oversized jacket with what Rachel thinks looks like a skull on the back.  I personally think it looks more like a Hopi Indian cave drawing of a spider, but whatever.

Because we've got two hours of show to fill tonight, we get a nice montage of the four remaining suckers suitors complete with Emily narration.  Here's a quick recap:

Emily loves that Chris tells her what he thinks, BUT....

Jef would make the best dad and she sees something special in him, BUT.....

She has so much fun with Arie and there was an instant connection, BUT......

Sean is gorgeous.

Emily then says she really thinks she could be in love with one of these guys by the end.  Telling that she says ONE of them and not ANY of them.  She's already made her choice, I'm sure.  Let's see if we can figure out who it is!

First up is Chris in Chicago.  Emily and Chris do a horrible job faking a suprise meeting in front of a church that Chris says is the closest thing to a castle in Chicago.  Emily says she can see herself falling in love with Chris.  I think they edited out the part where she said "if he's a billionaire and I'm REALLY drunk."  Chris also tells us that on a scale of one to 10, he's "really Polish."  Emily says she's excited for Chris to take her to "all the cool" places in Chicago.  So of course he takes her to a generic restaurant to drink a beer.  Risky move.  He's trying to show her what a regular day is like with him, she wants to "see the cool places."  Methinks these two aren't on the same page at all.  They have a conversation that sounds like two coworkers trying to work on a presentation more than two people thinking about getting married.  Chris then preps Emily for his family.  His dad is "really Polish."  Get it?  Chris is Polish.  He says that his dad will like Emily because "she's a lot like his sisters."  Let's see, what do I think about that?  How do I put this.......

RED FREAKING FLAG

I just don't get the idea that you'd like to marry someone like your mom or sisters (or anyone else you're related to.)  It kind of sets up your significant other to always come in second place in your mind....to this point, Chris says he "doesn't know what he'd do if his family didn't like Emily."  Like if his sisters didn't like her, he'd dump her?  This shouldn't even be an issue.  If you think your family might not like the person you're dating, that's probably a good sign you shouldn't introduce them and maybe stop dating them.

Chris' dad IS Polish.  Wow.  He looks kind of like a nightclub owner.  A short, Polish nightclub owner.  He gets first crack at Emily.  Emily turns it on him and asks him if Chris is ready to be a dad.  John's answer isn't exactly a ringing endorsement:  "It's a huge responsibility and I think Chris will do his best.  It's not about the stuff you have, it's about the love, and Chris has that.  If you're not looking for that, then Chris might not be the guy for you."  Interesting.  Mama tells Chris he needs to "kick ass" if he wants to be with her.  Well, Chris tried to kick ass in the Highland Games and Doug owned him.  Kicking ass is not his forte.  Chris' sister basically says "dump him if you don't think he's the one."  Again, not exactly a ringing endorsement.  Papa Polish then tells Chris that Emily is falling in love with him, but I think something was lost in translation, because I don't remember her saying that.  The night ends with a good ol' Polka.  Emily didn't expect to see the side of Chris that says he's in love with her.  I'm not sure what that means, because that's pretty much the only side I've seen of him. 

Moving on to Utah and Jef....Jef lives a couple hundred acre ranch!  Not too shabby Jef.  Jef's so excited to see Emily, his hair has an erection.  It's really high today.  Emily hops out of the Suburban and into Jef's Batmobile of an ATV.  Jef is really in his element out on the ranch.  He's shooting guns and posing and telling Emily "you're on my turf now...if you don't do well today, I'm done with all this."  Way to tip the scales on her Jef.  Emily then gets a turn with the shotgun, and holy hell these two are like Michael Gross and Reba McIntyre in Tremors.  Remind me not to try to sneak onto Emily's southern plantation or Jef's Mormon ranch.  Between the two of them, I think they own more land than Rhode Island. 

Jef's parents are doing charity work in South Carolina (because that's apparently more important than meeting your son's future wife for the first time).  I'm pretty sure Jef doesn't win because of this.  Like, if he was going to be the winner, I'm pretty sure ABC would've worked around their trip to South Carolina.  Either that or they're incredibly private people, in which case I'll respect their wishes and not bash them for missing a major event in their son's life. 

The sisters have group time with Emily, and again Emily says that she's open to moving wherever to give Ricki a good life.  Brad Womack is calling his therapist right now.  Jef's sisters ask if she's in love with Jef, and she chokes so bad I thought I someone was going to have to give her the Heimlich.  She finally expels a forced "yes" from her mouth, but then throws in a qualifier of "I'm not one to throw that word around lightly." 

Jef then reads her a note, which is nice I guess, but I'm partial to people who don't read from scripts, even if it's a little more rambling and rough around the edges.  It just doesn't seem like you should need a pad of paper to tell someone what you think about them.  Emily, however, disagrees because she says "that's the sweetest thing she's ever heard."  Somewhere Ryan is stroking his manicured facial hair and saying "what the hell Emily?  My letter was way longer and more awesome!" 

Off to Arizona, and they're at the racetrack.  Emily says she's "totally excited" to be at the racetrack.  Last time we saw Emily at a racetrack, she was a complete wreck because it brought back so many memories of her fiance...you know, the one that was in the plane that never made it to its destination.  This time, there's not even a mention of him.  I hope Brad Womack has his therapist on speed dial.  Arie says that he's worried about Emily meeting his European parents because she's "so American."  When Emily presses him as to why that is, Arie starts talking about how awesome he is.  So what's the problem here?  Oh right...the mom.  Arie says she'll be the "least open minded" and they'll have to "work as a team to win her over."  This sounds like hit has the potential to blow up, but ABC has tricked me before.  My prediction is that everything looks like it's going off the rails until the mom gives her stamp of approval and everyone talks about how relieved the are.

In the ultimate awkwardness, Mama starts talking in Dutch, and this leads Arie to respond in Dutch and Emily to look horrified.  Arie's dad throws a lit match on this gasoline spill by saying "we're talking about you" to Emily.  Arie says that he knows how awkward this is, but continues to speak in Dutch nonetheless.  Well done.  He finally translates for Emily, saying mom just wanted to know how it was going and he told her it was going great.  Why that needed to be said in Dutch is beyond me.  The only point is to make it seem like Mama isn't sold on Emily yet.  I'm not falling for it this time ABC!  Arie's mom tells Emily that Arie is still traveling a lot and that it's a rough life, but that she "loves this life."  Her life seems to consist of plastic surgery, fancy clothes, and lots of wine.  What's not to love?  I got the better of ABC today, as mom gives her stamp of approval and Arie tells us how relieved he is and thankful to have his parent's blessing. 

Finally on to Sean's family down in Dallas.  Sean's got his dogs at a park and a v-neck shirt that makes him look a little like Popeye the Sailor to me.  They pick some flowers, throw frisbees to the dogs, and drink some wine on a blanket.  Sean finally says something of substance, talking about how he dated a girl for three years but had to end it because he knew deep down it wasn't going to be forever.  He feels a little remorse about this and has made a promise to himself that he won't go down that path again.   Good for him.  Time to meet the family!  Sean has a great family, including a niece named Kensington who has her own cottage in the backyard WITH AIR CONDITIONING!  Yipes.  Oh but it gets better....SEAN LIVES AT HOME STILL!!!!  He takes her up to his room and it's an absolute mess.  At this point I'm calling bullshit - there's no way anyone would invite 18 million people on television into their home with half eaten cookies laying around in the room of someone who supposedly has been away for a few months.  C'mon.  Emily puts on her best fake smile and says "it's cool, I like to clean."  Oh honey, you're better than that.  What happened to that West Virginia Backwoods Hood Rat?  She would not have volunteered to be the maid for a dude who lives at home.  Oof. 

Sean's dad seems like a pretty thoughtful and nice dude.  He gets best parent award of the night, hands down.  Mom's cool too, she seems like the stereotypical Texas mom.  Have I mentioned before how much I like Texas?  If it wasn't 8 billion degrees all summer, I might consider moving there someday.  Sean can't bear to see the Tahoe drive off, so he takes off running down the street at a slow jog.  No way you could catch a car at that pace, buddy!  Of course, he does, and Emily says "what are you doing?"  Didn't he pull this stunt in Prague, tracking her down to make out with her?  Switch it up big fella! 

Why is the rose ceremony in L.A.?  Can we officially put the "we're doing the show to make it as easy as possible on Ricki" thing?  What a joke.  Chris Harrison and Emily recap the episode, where Emily says she likes all the guys so much and blah blah blah.  Emily then claims that she has no idea she has what she's going to do at the rose ceremony.  Stop it!  We all know you're sending Chris home.  Thanks for letting him down easy.  Harrison twists the knife a little more by saying "good luck, remember families are involved now!"  Not two minutes later than Emily says "I don't know what I'm going to do," she says "I'm ready to get it down to the three guys that I have super strong feelings for."  Ok then.....

Harrison then fluffs the guys up....but it doesn't seem to work as well as it does on the ladies.  The only guy who's showing any sort of nerves is Chris.  Emily says there wasn't "an obvious choice to send home" this week.  Except of course for the one guy she didn't have super strong feelings for.  Arie and Jef are safe and Sean will be too, as soon as Harrison reminds everyone of his impressive math skills.  "Emily has three roses.  She gives one to Arie and one to Jef.  How many roses does she have left?"  Sean's safe and Chris and his electric blue tie are left to ask for an explaination.  He's convinced that he did something wrong, and then tries to debunk her reasons.  Not the best way to get her to change her mind, buddy.  Chris apparently feels like he's the only person who can make him look like a fool on TV, and to prove it, he starts ranting in the limo.  "I'm ten times the man of any of those dudes in there," he says.  Real men don't call other guys "dudes" in fits of rage, buddy.  You're barely more of a man than my four year old son, "Dude."

Bachelorette: Czech ya later!

Welcome to Prague!  Emily says she doesn't know what to expect this week.  Let me help you out Em:  Lots and lots of man tears!  Chris reminds everyone for the sixth consecutive week that this week is "crucial."  Hometowns come up for the four survivors next week, so you really need to maximize your time with Emily guys.  Jef, master of the obvious, tells us that "Emily meeting his family would be a "big deal." 

Arie gets the first one on one.  He seems surprised, saying "I did not expect that."  Jef redeems his previously dumb comment by sarcastically saying "neither did I."  Good for him.  Point for Jef.  I find it amazing that I'm saying this, but Jef may actually be my favorite guy left.  Arie's an idiot, and we'll get to see more of his dumbassery tonight apparently.  Doug..is awful.  Chris is not ready for a relationship.  John calls himself "Wolf" and carries death cards in his wallet.  I don't think I gave the death cards enough play last week.  Is this like carrying pictures of your children in your wallet, only it's your dead grandparents?  Wouldn't a picture be enough.  The fact that it's called a "death card" makes me think that it's got stats on it like it's a Ken Griffey Jr. Rookie card or something.  Grandpa Wolf:  Height 6'2 Weight 202.  Occupation: Cobbler.  Years active:  1934-2010.  Do you trade these with other people?  Would you give up both your grandparents for your friends uncle who died in Iraq on his third tour?  Are people that died in odd ways more valuable?  I need to know more about death cards.  And Sean, well, I really have nothing against Sean other than that he seems to be winning this competition based on his looks alone, given that the only time he's really said anything significant is when he gave that regrettable public speech in England about how he was going to love better than anyone has ever loved before.  So yeah, Jef's in the top two or three.  Yikes.  Slim pickings for the West Virginia Backwoods Hood Rat. 

Emily knows what Arie did last summer, and guess what?  It was a producer!  Scandal!  Producer Cassie decides to come forward to Emily in what can only be described as an attempt to get herself some air time.  I like how they try to make it out that the HAD to tell Emily after it became clear that she had feelings for Arie.  Except it would've probably been a better idea to tell her right away...I agree with Emily on this one.  It's not a big deal, except now that everyone's been hiding it, it has turned into a "WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME!!" thing. 

Emily and Arie sit down at a cafe.  Emily essentially orders Arie a rope to hang himself with, and Arie gleefully ties the noose himself by saying over and over again how trustworthy he is and that honesty is always the best policy and how sometimes the truth hurts but it's always better to get it out there.  Emily seems to be in no hurry to confront him about Cassiegate, instead opting to see how deep of a hole she can get him to dig himself into.  Arie's hair seems to be getting more and more intentionally messy as the weeks go on.  It's as if with each week he feels more and more convinced he will win this thing and as such can be a little more daring every week with his hairstyle. 

Back from commercial, Chris Harrison lets us all down by telling us that the confrontation about this little "love triangle" happened off camera.  Translation:  It happened on camera, but was so brief and devoid of drama that there was no reason to show it.  Not surprisingly, they tried to make a mountain out of a molehill to get people hooked into watching, as Arie basically says "it was such a small thing, there was no reason to bring it up" and Emily says "you're so right!  Let's make out again!  Remember when I got fake mad at you at ABC's request for not telling me Kalon was a dick?  So sorry I had to do that again, but because I've already made up my mind that you're going to win this thing, I have to make things up to keep the season going." 

Back at home, a guy asks "what do you think they're doing?"  Doug takes the Captain Obvious crown from Jef by replying "almost certainly they're having dinner somewhere cool."  Doug's so astute.  The Wolf claims the second solo date.  Chris wants to go Incredible Hulk because he didn't get a date, but doesn't because he knows the other guys would rat him out for being angry. 

Back at dinner somewhere cool, Arie drops the "L" word and Emily eats it up.  She essentially calls off the rest of the competition by declaring "if things keep going this way, nothing would make me happier."  Well, if conveniently hiding a relationship with a producer on the top shelf of his consciousness isn't enough to derail the A-train, I think we have our winner.  Emily has a surprise for Arie:  fireworks.  You know what would really be a surprise?  No fireworks.  She sent a dude home on a one on one date and there were fireworks!  Fireworks are not a surprise on this show anymore.  You might as well call Chris Harrison saying "fellas, this is the last rose of the night" a surprise.

Emily and John are going on a boat, and Emily basically says "John's going home unless he reveals he's a multi-billionaire that knows one hundred ways to make me call him Big Poppa."  This seems more like a blind date than a couple that's one week away from meeting the parents.  Prague may be an amazing city, but the group dates so far have consisted of lunch at a run of the mill outdoor cafe and graffiti.  Ho hum.  The Wolf and Emily then find a place where you attach a padlock to a fence to symbolize your love.  Prague needs better ways to publicly express your love.  A graffiti wall and locks?  Not surprisingly, ABC gives Emily and John a lock that doesn't work.  Obvious symbolism for a relationship that's going nowhere.  Back at the hotel Chris, aka, Bruce Banner, is still trying not to Hulk out, although instead of a green rage monster I'm starting to think that he's going to turn into a blue crying ninny.  Emilyyyyyy....you never gave me as much time as the other guys!!! Do you like them more than meeeeeeee???"  I'm fully expecting him to say at some point "Be totally honest with me - and I promise I won't get mad - Do you think Arie is cuter than me?

John and Emily sit down for the serious portion of their date, and John makes the mistake of thinking that being open means telling Emily that you were cheated on in a past relationship.  At least it's a mistake to me, but Emily  seems to love it.  I've never really got the whole "you have to tell me why you are the way you are" portion of this show.  What does it matter?

I remember way back, I dated a girl who wasn't exactly what I was looking for, but I felt like maybe I could figure out why she was the way she was and then get her to "come out of her shell" so to speak.  Well, eventually she told me about her past and then the situation mushroomed into way more than I was expecting and our relationship deteriorated rather quickly after that.  Point being, if someone's not exactly what you're looking for, don't waste time trying to figure out why they're not and start looking for someone who is.  It's much easier.  Especially when you're already dating five other people. 

Group date time, and in another obvious moment, the guy who is freaking out the most about going on the group date, finds out he's going on the group date.  Sean, decides to run around a city in a foreign country he's never been to at night to find Emily and spend a few moments with her.  Incredibly, ABC tries to give us the impression that they let Emily wander the darkened alleys of Prague all by herself.  As Sean bounds up the dark alley behind her, I got a very "Jack the Ripper" vibe from the whole scene. 

Group date time!  Chris is moody, Doug is just bursting with emotions, and Sean is content to live off the dark alley tryst they had the night before and let the other two guys play themselves out of Emily's future.  Doug thinks that touring a castle in the Czech Republic is every eleven and a half year old's dream.  I think that's probably true as long as the castle has an iPod with Angry Birds or maybe some knights fighting to the death.  They have an incredibly awkward conversation where Doug apologizes for accidentally brushing Emily's leg.  Is he serious right now?  Emily finally has had enough and tries to break up with Doug.  He starts to see that he's losing her, so he of course moves in for his first kiss at the most inappropriate time.  Emily, somewhat sarcastically, says "thanks for that," and Doug says "Yep."  You come with a quick peck on the lips and "yep?"  Wow man.  On the way home, Doug says that it's hard being "a single dad" and finding the right person.  I really hate this guy now.  The fact that you have a son has absolutely nothing to do with you going home right now, there's no need to even say that you're a single dad at this point.  The only reason you say that is to imply that somehow your son back home that she's never met has hindered your chance with her, which is absolute bullshit and a cop out.  Is the point he's trying to make that he'd probably have gotten a rose and found a girl if he didn't have a kid?  How freaking selfish can you be?  You can't talk about how awesome your kid is and how much he makes your world better when things are going well and then cry and talk about how he's holding you back when things start to go off the rails.  What a cop out, and what a cowardly thing to do.

The two remaining guys get keys to try to "unlock" private time with Emily.  ABC continues to poke the whiny bear that is Chris by giving him the key that doesn't work.  Sean and Emily have the most boring one on one time ever, in which she says "I woke up smiling, thanks for last night" and Sean says "My family will love you" and then they kiss and we're done.  Sean offers nothing more than pecs and eyes and lips, but given the competition, that places him in the 95th percentile.

Chris is bound and determined to burn himself to the ground by calling Emily out for not giving him a one on one.  In the lamest excuse ever, Emily says "hey a two on one date is the next best thing, right?"  Chris, after griping about it incessantly all episode, says "well I'm not going to dwell on it."  Clearly.  Emily then goes on to say that she only gets one rose and that rose only symbolizes "that she's ready to meet that person's family."  Guess who gets the rose?  Chris the whiny rage monster is bitter.  Emily makes no effort to say "you know, this doesn't mean you're going home, buck up."  I don't know exactly what she said, but it was along the lines of "pack your bags you mopey loser."

My God, I just realized there's still forty minutes left in this show.  I'm tempted to skip this date with Jef.  They go to a puppet shoppe.  Emily says "it's crazy, but I can see myself with Jef" which really doesn't bode well for his winning the competition.  They then go to a library, where they have this exchange:

Jef:   Whoa, this is crazy!
Emily:  Cool, huh?
Jef:   This is ridiculous!
Emily:  I know right?

I hate you two.

They then enact a puppet show in the library, and it's so incredibly lame that it's actually kind of sweet.  Emily may act like a sweet, Southern Belle or tell everyone that she can take her earrings off and go Hood Rat on someone's ass, but she seems most at ease when she's nerding out with Jef and his knee high blue socks.   Jef winning this thing would be more shocking to me than the fact that Tyler Perry has made a fortune dressing like a grandmother named Madea.  Because really, why do people like those movies?

Jef feels like he's made it to that place where people are "so excited to see that other person, and so excited to see what's to come."  You know what people call that place Jef?  They call it "the end of the second date."  That's like the first thing that happens in a relationship!  It's all downhill from there buddy.  (That's a joke, Rachel.)  Emily finds out that Jef stopped dating a girl because his parents didn't like her.  Emily is freaked out.  Remember, Jef isn't that old.  He's like 24.  This very well could've happend in high school, when you're supposed to listen to your parents.  

Lying on the floor of the library/puppet theater, Jef decides to get serious and tackle living together and having kids.  Props to Jef, because nobody else is having these conversations with her.  Arie and Sean are still in the steamy romance phase, Wolf and Whiny Rage Monster are just trying to keep their head above water, and Jef is starting to actually develop a RELATIONSHIP.  Jef then says "I want to marry the f*ck out of you."  Sadly, I find myself starting to like this guy.  Jef better wear rainbow socks and a speedo to the rose ceremony tonight to remind me that he's a moron. 

Jef says that the two guys that should be scared of going home are Chris and Wolf.  I guess Doug was able to give the Obvious crown back to Jef before he left.  Emily calls Chris Harrison in for a chat and tells him her mind's made up and there will be no rose ceremony tonight.  This whole episode has been geared towards driving Chris over the edge, and boy is it working.  That guy is a ticking time bomb.  Of course, even though Emily has made her mind up, they let the guys sit around for a while so Chris can freak himself out as much as possible. He's now at the point where he feels he needs to do anything possible to show her how much she should keep him, even if that very thing is what will make her more convinced his ass needs to go.  This should be good.

Three roses.  Jef and Arie get the first two, and guess what?  We're down to Wolf and Chris.  Who will she choose?  Harrison shockingly tells us that this is the final rose of the night.  Before Emily can make her decision, Chris goes into his last ditch effort.  Arie is shocked that Chris would interrupt a rose ceremony, as if the sacred tradition of Bachelor/ette rose ceremonies is not something to be trifled with.  You don't F*CK with TRADITION, Chris!"  Chris, tries his hardest to tell Emily how much he loves her and how much he wants to be with her, and in true Bachelor/ette fashion she gives him the rose because everything we've seen all episode has led us to belive he was going home, and I fell for it.  I'm an idiot.  I pride myself on my knowledge of this show, and I just got led down the primrose path by Chris Harrison and his merry band of puppetteers. 

Adios to the Wolf, who really had no chance.  His name is Wolf and his occupation is "Data Destruction Specialist."  The guy named the Wolf specializes in making information disappear.  Sounds like a mafia hitman or something.  He says he shared things with her that he doesn't normally share with people....except you know the 10 million people who watch every week. 

So Chris, Arie, Jef, and Sean are the final four.  Does anyone realistically see Chris making it beyond next week?  I don't see it.

Also, the Glass House looks awful.