Bachelorette: Men Tell All

Welcome to the show with the most misleading name in television!  It should be called "The Men, Empowered by a Live TV Audience full of Needy Women, Try to Impress America by Bagging on The Guy(s) America Loved to Hate as Much as Possible."  So get ready for a lot of dissing Ryan and Kalon.  "Telling All" implies we'll learn something we previously didn't know, which absolutely won't happen.  Instead, we'll rehash the same issues over and over.  We'll talk about Kalon calling Ricki baggage for about half an hour, and every time Kalon goes to open his mouth, some other guy will shout him down and tell him why he's an idiot.  At least that's my prediction.  Also, we'll hear from Emily who will try to make us all believe that this was the worst two weeks of her life as she tried to decide which guy to marry.  Yeah, I hate having an all expenses paid trip to Curacao with my family and two people who are madly in love with me.  Bummer, dude. Another thing I hope to see tonight:  Ricki.  Remember her?  Remember how she was going to be "so important" to this decsion?  She's been an afterthought.  She was in Charlotte, but the closest anyone got to meeting her was Ryan sitting in the car at her soccer practice.  She also went to one of the Caribbean Islands (I forget which) but spent a majority of the time with the nanny and then was shipped back to the states while mommy kept going on dates.  Since then, she's popped up once when Emily had a layover in North Carolina on her way to Los Angeles.  Look, I have no problem with Emily going this alone - the girl is seven and really doesn't need to be auditioning people to be her daddy for God's sake - but don't feed us this crap about how you're treating this season differently because she's a mom, because the only thing that's been different is the change of venue.  Well, they didn't do the fantasy suite thing, but I suppose that it's possible they just showed the guys leaving, then shut the cameras off and let the guys go back and get freaky with Emily. 

Ok, onto the show.  Guess what?  Looks like a lot of bashing Kalon and Ryan!  But first, here's an interview with Emily!

Chris asks how hard it is to be a single mom and be the Bachelorette.  Emily says it's "hard in real life and it's hard as the Bachelorette."  However, Emily seems to think that Ricki still got her "mommy time."  Again, this was true for about two weeks.  We'll just pretend those last seven didn't happen.  Now we delve into a season recap, and it starts with...wait for it.....Ryan and Kalon!  Ryan saying "I'll still love you, I just won't love on you as much" seems more like a tongue in cheek joke than an actual stupid comment.  At least that's my opinion. We get to relive Doug's most awkward moment ever - Thanks for that - and then it's onto the first commercial.  So far, I'm wondering why I even watch this show.  It's awful.  Slightly entertaining is Emily cussing a blue streak when she spills a drink on her dress, then saying "I'm supposed to be a lady."  Yep...maybe the real Emily is hood rat and backwoods.

We get a quick recap of my favorite guy of the season, Travis, and my least favorite thing about him, his stupid egg.  Travis was funny.  Also funny, Arie's brothers peeping on Emily from the bushes.  Emily says she had no idea they were there, but she's got one leg up on America - we didn't even know they existed.

Now we get a quick preview of the new season of Bachelor Pad.  Highlights:

• Blakely crying on the floor holding a glass of wine in one hand and a rose in the other.  I think this sums up the Bachelor universe in one image.  Awesome
• Really, there's no other highlights.  Nothing will top that.  
• Tony's on the show, but other than holding some cups on a challenge, he didn't really factor into the promo.  
• I also liked Rachel saying that the newcomers didn't earn the right to be here because they didn't get dumped on national tv.  As if having a relationship fizzle out after two actual dates some how qualifies you for a chance at $250,000.  You know who else got dumped after a few dates?  The entire dating public in the world.  You're not special.  Stop it.

Switching gears, we're half an hour in and we're finally bringing out the guys to "tell all."  The way Travis is talking about the egg almost makes it sound like it wasn't his idea.  Thinking about this, it makes sense...ABC just picks a few guys that have to use some props in their intros.  I don't know why this didn't dawn on me sooner!  Maybe it wasn't Tony's idea to bring out the glass slipper...maybe when they got in the limo, ABC said "and......Tony!  You get to give this slipper to Emily.  Good luck!"

In some of the recaps we're reminded of what a dad Doug was.  I think he missed his son so much he adopted the other 24 guys in the house.  Man, Doug was great TV. 

I'm finding this is way more difficult to blog about becasue the guys are talking sixty miles an hour and interrupting each other.  I can't keep up.  Chris is still grumpy that the other guys thought he was immature.  Charlie, who had trouble with public speaking on the show, suddenly is able to high-five, cuss and call Kalon "dude" all while talking about how he was "himself the whole time."  Another highlight is Kalon talking about how great of friends he is with Chris and Tony, while Tony and Chris kind of look at their feet and try not to laugh.  Harrison picks up on it and calls them out, leading to a riotous fit of laughter.  At this point I was planning on posting a picture Tony had put on his facebook page of him, Chris and Kalon with the caption "Boys for Life!" but it appears he took it down.  I can only assume that someone at ABC saw it and was told him that they were still trying to advance the "Kalon is a dick that nobody likes" scenario and he needed to disappear that photo.  Phenomenal.

We get our half an hour of baggage talk, but the most bizarre part of this whole segment is Doug's response to the question "is it ok to call kids baggage?"  His response is "No, it's not ok.  I mean, kids can't help but be there, they're just hanging out saying "hey, someone take care of me."  What the hell?  Doug, defender of the meek and mild, is saying "well of course kids are baggage, but it's not their fault, so you can't really say it out loud...duh!"  This whole production is a sham, and anyone watching at home that starts falling in love with a person on this show should check themselves.  You may as well fall in love with Edward Cullen or Jack Sparrow, because the "personalities" on these reality shows are no more real than they are.

I do love how easily the other guys irritate Chris.  Ryan just keeps talking over Chris and he keeps getting madder and madder.  Chris rolls his eyes at every perceived slight and it is awesome.  Ryan is just owning this show.  He's talking about writing in his diary and making T-shirts that say "I'll love you but won't love on you."  The Bachelorette is officially the professional wrestling of primetime television. 

Why we're putting Chris in the hot seat is beyond me.  This guy has said more throughout the entire season than anyone else.  I don't need to hear any more from this guy.  I love that Chris is trying to get us to sympathize that he brought a girl home to meet his family and then she dumped him.  Except that ABC made the decision on when she met your family, and she was dating three other guys at the time.  How do you not prepare yourself for that?  Chris then just starts rambling about death and losing friends and how he means everything he says.  Just stop talking, for the love of God. 

Sean's up next and Chris sets it up as a relationship that was on the fast track to marriage before the train derailed.  His exact words were "then it all went wrong."  Did it?  Because what I saw was her sadly letting him go because she cared about two other guys more.  Not that he did something "wrong."  Also, we get to rehash their "breakup" from last week, and I'm pissed off at myself for not commenting on Emily's outfit.  She looks like a mermaid!  Or as Rachel puts it "who pairs a Hanes grey tank top with a shimmery skirt?"  Sean then starts his conversation with Chris by saying word for word the exact same thing he just told us in the reject limo.  I also found it incredibly interesting that he continues to profess his love for Emily, yet never refers to her as Emily.  She's always "that girl" or "her."  Oh, and the loudest cheer of the night was when they showed a clip of Sean taking his shirt off.  These women are so predictable.

Now it's time to bring out Emily, and she gets into a fantastic back and forth with Kalon, where she calls out his recent Twitter feeds.  He offers up some well wishes and she responds with "you'll make a great politician, because that was a huge load of crap."  I'll counter that Emily herself would also make a good politicitian, if you'll remember the outtake from two hours ago (God, this show is too long) where she starts cussing and says "I'm supposed to be a lady."  Of course the crowd of women is firmly in her corner, with a lot of emphatic clapping, nodding and "you go girl!" looks of approval. 

All that's left is a ten minute preview of next weeks episode.  I wish they'd just done a full ten minutes of Arie and Emily kissing with Prince playing in the background on a loop.  Sadly, it's not to be.  How much footage do you think they have of Emily and Arie kissing?  Like two hours worth?  How much kissing did they actually do?  Could they have filled an entire episode with them making out?  Should that be available as an extra on ABC.com?