Welcome to the live finale of the Bachelorette! What a long, strange trip this has been. First Chris tells us to do all we can to prevent mass murders at movie theaters. Will do Chris. It seems almost like that was thrown in just to prove to America this this is actually filmed live. Even weirder, Chris then thanks everyone for applauding when he says this. Alright then.
On to the main event....and Emily says she's still hesitant about introducing Ricki to the guys. Really? Why? You like them both, you claim you're in love with both of them, and one of them is going to (allegedly) be your fiance. The other is never going to see Ricki again. I'm not sure if she's hesitant because she's worried Ricki will like the other one or what? I don't get it.
Family time, and I think Emily's mom is probably overdue for a pack of Camel Lites based on her voice. I gotta admit, I missed most of the conversation because Jonah wants help with his video game, and Jocelyn is trying to unplug the computer. Emily's brother looks like he's ready to crack some skulls and play the "bad cop." Unfortunately, he can't back that up, and says that he loves Jef's sincerity. Highlight of this conversation is Jef going in for the hip half handshake, half high five combo and Emily's uber conservative, buttoned up brother looking like he had no clue what was happening, but awkwardly trying to go with it.
This family is too easy! Dad offers even less resistance, giving Jef his blessing after about 3.5 seconds. Jef definitely has the "I'm completely sincere and no danger whatsoever to your loved one" look about him. Arie's in trouble based on image perceptions.
I think I'm going to get seriously annoyed with the live studio shots after every commercial break. There's only so much screaming female audience I can take. Wait...we're already going to Arie's turn with the family? Interesting that they're going to show these dates concurrently instead of seeing Jef's "journey" to its completion and then showing Arie's.
Arie gets off to a rough start...first he has to follow Jef, who killed it with the family. Then, he tries to make a self depricating joke about fishing that gets nothing but crickets in response. Oof. Arie tries to recover by giving Emily's family a little box of dried roses. Personally, I think it's creepy. Emily's mom thinks it's great, of course. Rachel just comments that Arie's mom and Emily's mom are the same person in her mind. Great point. I could see them drinking screwdrivers in a luxury box at the racetrack during one of Arie's races.
Mom is torn, because she thought Jef was the cat's pajamas, but now so is Arie! What the heck? Maybe the brother will be tougher. Again, Bro starts out all tough, asking if Arie's in it to win it or actually in love. Arie's response is "the brother's approval is very important, which is exactly what someone who was just playing the game would say. Of course, the brother buys it, and everyone loves Arie too! What's a girl to do? The family loves both of them.
Emily says the best scenario would be her family picking one guy over the other. Unless, of course, they picked the guy she didn't really want. Emily's dad finally gets her to lay her cards on the table. He says "you can't love more than one guy. Emily says "I never said I did!" Her dad says "so you do love one more than the other!" Emily says "I never said that either!" Oh cut the bullshit ABC. She made her choice weeks ago, and we're just all being strung along. Emily's mom says "don't get engaged...you gotta be in this 100%." Emily, after weeks and weeks of telling us that she's got these amazing guys that she loves so much and blah blah blah, now is having doubts about saying yes to either one of the guys. Fake drama galore!
We're back, and Jef's having a big heart to heart with Emily on the beach. He's saying his usual insightful things, but this rogue strand of hair on his head is point accusingly at Emily the whole time as if to say "Damn you for stringing me on this long! I know you're picking Arie you temptress!" He also seems to be questioning Emily's decision to hold Ricki out of the picture this long.....to which Emily says "it's a big decision, ya know?" You're right, it is Emily. Jef says "what would you think if you fell in love with someone whose daughter you'd never met? Emily responds "I'd think it's weird, ya know?" No shit, Emily, that's exactly what he's been saying the entire time. Emily then says "surprise! you're amazing and because you're so amazing, you should meet Ricki, right now!" As they walk down the beach to rendezvous with Lil' Ricki, Emily says "if this meeting doesn't go well, that would absolutely be the end of our relationship, no questions asked." So, she just put the fate of her relationship on a two hour meeting with a seven year old. Hope Ricki took a nap today, Jef! If someone forgot to take the crust off of her PB&J, Jef could be screwed.
Before actually meeting her in the pool, they first spy on her through a window....totally normal. The meeting, of course, goes well. This could be because Jef and Ricki are about the same age in their minds. Jef has the ability to say things that would sound patronizing when said by other guys, but with him it sounds genuine. Him wearing the ridiculously big pink snorkel mask just seems like something he'd do even if he wasn't playing with a seven year old. It's a pretty normal day with a seven year old, except for Emily making Ricki thank Jef for the puppet that Ricki didn't know existed, and still hasn't received. That made me chuckle. At the end of the night, Emily said "I told you it'd go great...no pressure at all!" Yeah, except for that whole "I'm kicking your ass to the curb if she doesn't like you." My own son on occasion has told me that he hates me when he's tired and cranky. So.....yeah, that possibility existed. We'll see what happens with Arie.
First, we have a night cap with Jef. Highlight of this conversation is Jef saying "I can tell you're a great mom," but not looking at Emily when he says it. If this were the Mentalist or some other brainy cop show, we'd hear someone tell us that's a sign of someone not being truthful. High comedy. Jef then gives Emily the ceremonial "I'm in the final two, so here's a sentimental gift that is incredibly corny." He gives her a book about Curacao, but he drew stick figures in there doing stuff that they didn't even do on the island. Of course, Emily says it's perfect and that she'll keep it forever - unless of course she picks Arie. Can you imagine Arie coming home after a tough day at the office - err....race track - and seeing a book about Curacao and wanting to relive his good times with Emily and seeing these stick figures in there and saying "oh that's cute that Ricki drew some pictures in there!" only to find out is was the other guy Emily was with in Curacao. Awesome!
Time to fill time on this long show. Let's have Chris interview random women in the audience! First, he interviews a woman named Paisley. She was named after a pattern! Paisley sounds like she's a little jealous that Emily has Jef's heart. The next lady says she can "relate to Emily" and that having someone love you and your kid is more attractive than a hot pair of jeans. Yeesh. Apparently jeans lady and the next yellow shirted woman both had boring names, because Chris doesn't give them the chance to introduce themselves. Yellowshirt says she wants Emily to pick Arie so the rest of America can have Jef. I don't know if Jef is one of those guys from Utah that is pro-polygamy, but I'm guessing he could find more than a few women across America willing to sister-wife it up with him if this doesn't work out.
Emily calls Chris over to tell him that she's chosen Jef. Holy crap, did not see that one coming. Part of me wants to commend Emily for making a decision ahead of the predetermined show timeline, but part of me thinks Emily doesn't want to give Arie a final chance because she knows Jef's the safe choice and there's no risk. Interesting. I really thought she'd pick Arie. He seems more her speed (no racing pun intended.) Guess that Curacao coffee table book is going to get to live a long, happy life.
Now we get a horrible, horrible vignette of Arie on a date by himself making a love potion with a native woman as he talks about how great the rest of his life with Emily is going to be. What a stomach punch for this dude. Cue the sad music and Emily looking like she's going to throw up. Yet, despite the fact that she teared up when Chris said her name, she seems to be pretty composed as she kisses Arie hello and lets him talk about his love potion. Only once she sits him down on the bench does she lose it. Arie's gotta know he's in trouble now. How horrible is it that Arie's the last person to know he's getting dumped? Moreover, Emily never really explains that Jef's won her heart. She just keeps telling Arie how amazing he is and how she thought it was going to be him and her and her family loved him and on and on. Never once does she mention Jef. Finally, she says "I had more confindence in Jef, ya know?" Awful. She just basically told Arie she didn't trust him, and he rightfully gets up and walks off. High five to Arie for handling that train wreck as well as possible. He didn't yell, but he made it clear he wasn't happy. He did just enough comforting Emily to make sure she didn't turn into a blubbering pile of goo....at least until after he was in the car. Arie says "it's unreal that it's over" then makes a face that looks like someone who thinks that they should cry right now, but just can't. Arie seems way too composed and rational for someone who just got killed on TV like he did. Even more awful is the cut immediately to the studio audience full of women with forlorn looks on their faces like they're at a funeral.
Coming back from break, let's see what Ashley and JP think about this, because this is the most boring couple in the history of this show. I love the fact that former cast members are now experts on love here. Then they bring out Ashley S. - you know, the girl who cried so hard when Brad dumped her that I thought she'd get a bloody nose. My God - what happened to her? I'm thinking that if she'd had that body when she was on the show, Brad would've kept her around a little longer. She's had some serious work done lately.
Before we come back, I'm wondering when Emily's going to tell Jef that she sent Arie home. My guess is not until after he's proposed. Make the guy sweat it out as long as possible.
We get to see Emily takl about how much love she has in her heart and how great she feels now. We also get to see Ricki and Emily walk around and draw a heart in the sand that says "Mommy and Ricki." I really wish it would've said "Mommy and Jef." Too bad.
Jef now gets to meet Neil Lane and spill his guts to the ring guy. Because I know I had a deep heart to heart with the lady at the Shane Company before I bought Rachel's engagement ring. I love the staged shots of Jef and Emily staring thoughtfully out windows and staring at rings and trying on dresses as they talk about how in love they are. Just so great. Emily's still talking about how she's scared she's going to make the wrong decision. Little late now, isn't it? She apparently is still unsure if she'll say yes when Jef proposes. Does it hinge on his proposal? Like, if he gives an amazing speech and she loves the ring, is she suddenly going to say "you know what? YES!" or say he trips coming up the stairs...does that mean she's going to say no, but we can still date long distance for a while? I'm suddenly envisioning Emily saying she won't accept his proposal yet, that she wants to keep dating him, but she's going back to North Carolina for a while and they'll date long distance or something. Jef being Jef, will probably say "well why don't I come to NC for a while? I'll live in a hotel and we'll just date like normal people." Then Jef falls in love with NC and they end up staying there and she never has to move to Utah and then starts selling books on how to manipulate your man. Brilliant.
Emily says "I'm not going to be the girl who gets engaged 15 times before she gets married." HAS THERE EVER BEEN THAT GIRL? Emily has got to be in a pretty select few people who have been engaged twice and not made it to the altar. Moreover, she has to be the only person ever to have her first fiance die in an airplane crash and have her second fiance be the product of a failed reality show romance. If she really wants to go for 15, she's got 12 more seasons of the Bachelorette to go....or one really amazing season of Bachelor Pad....zing!
It's proposal time, and Jef predictably knocks it out of the park. The guy is good. Hopefully third time is the charm for Emily, because she's engaged AGAIN! I love that they have the live studio audience's applause playing in the background. We then get a great montage of their relationship sent to an awesome '80's power ballad. My favorite part is the lyric "I'll be a knight in shining armor" as Jef flings an arrow at a target with his hair flapping in the wind while wearing a kilt. Awesome. Jef - a knight for the 21st Century and beyond.
After the final rose.....I don't really have it in me to keep this blog going, because I'm getting tired and two hours if more than enough for me tonight. Special thanks goes out to my wife, who basically co-wrote this blog tonight. If you laughed at anything in this blog, it was probably something she said that I transcribed. I just didn't have it going tonight. Thanks to you all who read this too. It just wouldn't be worth doing this every week if I logged in on Tuesday and saw I had three page hits and they were all me checking to see if anyone had read it yet.
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