Welcome to Prague! Emily says she doesn't know what to expect this week. Let me help you out Em: Lots and lots of man tears! Chris reminds everyone for the sixth consecutive week that this week is "crucial." Hometowns come up for the four survivors next week, so you really need to maximize your time with Emily guys. Jef, master of the obvious, tells us that "Emily meeting his family would be a "big deal."
Arie gets the first one on one. He seems surprised, saying "I did not expect that." Jef redeems his previously dumb comment by sarcastically saying "neither did I." Good for him. Point for Jef. I find it amazing that I'm saying this, but Jef may actually be my favorite guy left. Arie's an idiot, and we'll get to see more of his dumbassery tonight apparently. Doug..is awful. Chris is not ready for a relationship. John calls himself "Wolf" and carries death cards in his wallet. I don't think I gave the death cards enough play last week. Is this like carrying pictures of your children in your wallet, only it's your dead grandparents? Wouldn't a picture be enough. The fact that it's called a "death card" makes me think that it's got stats on it like it's a Ken Griffey Jr. Rookie card or something. Grandpa Wolf: Height 6'2 Weight 202. Occupation: Cobbler. Years active: 1934-2010. Do you trade these with other people? Would you give up both your grandparents for your friends uncle who died in Iraq on his third tour? Are people that died in odd ways more valuable? I need to know more about death cards. And Sean, well, I really have nothing against Sean other than that he seems to be winning this competition based on his looks alone, given that the only time he's really said anything significant is when he gave that regrettable public speech in England about how he was going to love better than anyone has ever loved before. So yeah, Jef's in the top two or three. Yikes. Slim pickings for the West Virginia Backwoods Hood Rat.
Emily knows what Arie did last summer, and guess what? It was a producer! Scandal! Producer Cassie decides to come forward to Emily in what can only be described as an attempt to get herself some air time. I like how they try to make it out that the HAD to tell Emily after it became clear that she had feelings for Arie. Except it would've probably been a better idea to tell her right away...I agree with Emily on this one. It's not a big deal, except now that everyone's been hiding it, it has turned into a "WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME!!" thing.
Emily and Arie sit down at a cafe. Emily essentially orders Arie a rope to hang himself with, and Arie gleefully ties the noose himself by saying over and over again how trustworthy he is and that honesty is always the best policy and how sometimes the truth hurts but it's always better to get it out there. Emily seems to be in no hurry to confront him about Cassiegate, instead opting to see how deep of a hole she can get him to dig himself into. Arie's hair seems to be getting more and more intentionally messy as the weeks go on. It's as if with each week he feels more and more convinced he will win this thing and as such can be a little more daring every week with his hairstyle.
Back from commercial, Chris Harrison lets us all down by telling us that the confrontation about this little "love triangle" happened off camera. Translation: It happened on camera, but was so brief and devoid of drama that there was no reason to show it. Not surprisingly, they tried to make a mountain out of a molehill to get people hooked into watching, as Arie basically says "it was such a small thing, there was no reason to bring it up" and Emily says "you're so right! Let's make out again! Remember when I got fake mad at you at ABC's request for not telling me Kalon was a dick? So sorry I had to do that again, but because I've already made up my mind that you're going to win this thing, I have to make things up to keep the season going."
Back at home, a guy asks "what do you think they're doing?" Doug takes the Captain Obvious crown from Jef by replying "almost certainly they're having dinner somewhere cool." Doug's so astute. The Wolf claims the second solo date. Chris wants to go Incredible Hulk because he didn't get a date, but doesn't because he knows the other guys would rat him out for being angry.
Back at dinner somewhere cool, Arie drops the "L" word and Emily eats it up. She essentially calls off the rest of the competition by declaring "if things keep going this way, nothing would make me happier." Well, if conveniently hiding a relationship with a producer on the top shelf of his consciousness isn't enough to derail the A-train, I think we have our winner. Emily has a surprise for Arie: fireworks. You know what would really be a surprise? No fireworks. She sent a dude home on a one on one date and there were fireworks! Fireworks are not a surprise on this show anymore. You might as well call Chris Harrison saying "fellas, this is the last rose of the night" a surprise.
Emily and John are going on a boat, and Emily basically says "John's going home unless he reveals he's a multi-billionaire that knows one hundred ways to make me call him Big Poppa." This seems more like a blind date than a couple that's one week away from meeting the parents. Prague may be an amazing city, but the group dates so far have consisted of lunch at a run of the mill outdoor cafe and graffiti. Ho hum. The Wolf and Emily then find a place where you attach a padlock to a fence to symbolize your love. Prague needs better ways to publicly express your love. A graffiti wall and locks? Not surprisingly, ABC gives Emily and John a lock that doesn't work. Obvious symbolism for a relationship that's going nowhere. Back at the hotel Chris, aka, Bruce Banner, is still trying not to Hulk out, although instead of a green rage monster I'm starting to think that he's going to turn into a blue crying ninny. Emilyyyyyy....you never gave me as much time as the other guys!!! Do you like them more than meeeeeeee???" I'm fully expecting him to say at some point "Be totally honest with me - and I promise I won't get mad - Do you think Arie is cuter than me?
John and Emily sit down for the serious portion of their date, and John makes the mistake of thinking that being open means telling Emily that you were cheated on in a past relationship. At least it's a mistake to me, but Emily seems to love it. I've never really got the whole "you have to tell me why you are the way you are" portion of this show. What does it matter?
I remember way back, I dated a girl who wasn't exactly what I was looking for, but I felt like maybe I could figure out why she was the way she was and then get her to "come out of her shell" so to speak. Well, eventually she told me about her past and then the situation mushroomed into way more than I was expecting and our relationship deteriorated rather quickly after that. Point being, if someone's not exactly what you're looking for, don't waste time trying to figure out why they're not and start looking for someone who is. It's much easier. Especially when you're already dating five other people.
Group date time, and in another obvious moment, the guy who is freaking out the most about going on the group date, finds out he's going on the group date. Sean, decides to run around a city in a foreign country he's never been to at night to find Emily and spend a few moments with her. Incredibly, ABC tries to give us the impression that they let Emily wander the darkened alleys of Prague all by herself. As Sean bounds up the dark alley behind her, I got a very "Jack the Ripper" vibe from the whole scene.
Group date time! Chris is moody, Doug is just bursting with emotions, and Sean is content to live off the dark alley tryst they had the night before and let the other two guys play themselves out of Emily's future. Doug thinks that touring a castle in the Czech Republic is every eleven and a half year old's dream. I think that's probably true as long as the castle has an iPod with Angry Birds or maybe some knights fighting to the death. They have an incredibly awkward conversation where Doug apologizes for accidentally brushing Emily's leg. Is he serious right now? Emily finally has had enough and tries to break up with Doug. He starts to see that he's losing her, so he of course moves in for his first kiss at the most inappropriate time. Emily, somewhat sarcastically, says "thanks for that," and Doug says "Yep." You come with a quick peck on the lips and "yep?" Wow man. On the way home, Doug says that it's hard being "a single dad" and finding the right person. I really hate this guy now. The fact that you have a son has absolutely nothing to do with you going home right now, there's no need to even say that you're a single dad at this point. The only reason you say that is to imply that somehow your son back home that she's never met has hindered your chance with her, which is absolute bullshit and a cop out. Is the point he's trying to make that he'd probably have gotten a rose and found a girl if he didn't have a kid? How freaking selfish can you be? You can't talk about how awesome your kid is and how much he makes your world better when things are going well and then cry and talk about how he's holding you back when things start to go off the rails. What a cop out, and what a cowardly thing to do.
The two remaining guys get keys to try to "unlock" private time with Emily. ABC continues to poke the whiny bear that is Chris by giving him the key that doesn't work. Sean and Emily have the most boring one on one time ever, in which she says "I woke up smiling, thanks for last night" and Sean says "My family will love you" and then they kiss and we're done. Sean offers nothing more than pecs and eyes and lips, but given the competition, that places him in the 95th percentile.
Chris is bound and determined to burn himself to the ground by calling Emily out for not giving him a one on one. In the lamest excuse ever, Emily says "hey a two on one date is the next best thing, right?" Chris, after griping about it incessantly all episode, says "well I'm not going to dwell on it." Clearly. Emily then goes on to say that she only gets one rose and that rose only symbolizes "that she's ready to meet that person's family." Guess who gets the rose? Chris the whiny rage monster is bitter. Emily makes no effort to say "you know, this doesn't mean you're going home, buck up." I don't know exactly what she said, but it was along the lines of "pack your bags you mopey loser."
My God, I just realized there's still forty minutes left in this show. I'm tempted to skip this date with Jef. They go to a puppet shoppe. Emily says "it's crazy, but I can see myself with Jef" which really doesn't bode well for his winning the competition. They then go to a library, where they have this exchange:
Jef: Whoa, this is crazy!
Emily: Cool, huh?
Jef: This is ridiculous!
Emily: I know right?
I hate you two.
They then enact a puppet show in the library, and it's so incredibly lame that it's actually kind of sweet. Emily may act like a sweet, Southern Belle or tell everyone that she can take her earrings off and go Hood Rat on someone's ass, but she seems most at ease when she's nerding out with Jef and his knee high blue socks. Jef winning this thing would be more shocking to me than the fact that Tyler Perry has made a fortune dressing like a grandmother named Madea. Because really, why do people like those movies?
Jef feels like he's made it to that place where people are "so excited to see that other person, and so excited to see what's to come." You know what people call that place Jef? They call it "the end of the second date." That's like the first thing that happens in a relationship! It's all downhill from there buddy. (That's a joke, Rachel.) Emily finds out that Jef stopped dating a girl because his parents didn't like her. Emily is freaked out. Remember, Jef isn't that old. He's like 24. This very well could've happend in high school, when you're supposed to listen to your parents.
Lying on the floor of the library/puppet theater, Jef decides to get serious and tackle living together and having kids. Props to Jef, because nobody else is having these conversations with her. Arie and Sean are still in the steamy romance phase, Wolf and Whiny Rage Monster are just trying to keep their head above water, and Jef is starting to actually develop a RELATIONSHIP. Jef then says "I want to marry the f*ck out of you." Sadly, I find myself starting to like this guy. Jef better wear rainbow socks and a speedo to the rose ceremony tonight to remind me that he's a moron.
Jef says that the two guys that should be scared of going home are Chris and Wolf. I guess Doug was able to give the Obvious crown back to Jef before he left. Emily calls Chris Harrison in for a chat and tells him her mind's made up and there will be no rose ceremony tonight. This whole episode has been geared towards driving Chris over the edge, and boy is it working. That guy is a ticking time bomb. Of course, even though Emily has made her mind up, they let the guys sit around for a while so Chris can freak himself out as much as possible. He's now at the point where he feels he needs to do anything possible to show her how much she should keep him, even if that very thing is what will make her more convinced his ass needs to go. This should be good.
Three roses. Jef and Arie get the first two, and guess what? We're down to Wolf and Chris. Who will she choose? Harrison shockingly tells us that this is the final rose of the night. Before Emily can make her decision, Chris goes into his last ditch effort. Arie is shocked that Chris would interrupt a rose ceremony, as if the sacred tradition of Bachelor/ette rose ceremonies is not something to be trifled with. You don't F*CK with TRADITION, Chris!" Chris, tries his hardest to tell Emily how much he loves her and how much he wants to be with her, and in true Bachelor/ette fashion she gives him the rose because everything we've seen all episode has led us to belive he was going home, and I fell for it. I'm an idiot. I pride myself on my knowledge of this show, and I just got led down the primrose path by Chris Harrison and his merry band of puppetteers.
Adios to the Wolf, who really had no chance. His name is Wolf and his occupation is "Data Destruction Specialist." The guy named the Wolf specializes in making information disappear. Sounds like a mafia hitman or something. He says he shared things with her that he doesn't normally share with people....except you know the 10 million people who watch every week.
So Chris, Arie, Jef, and Sean are the final four. Does anyone realistically see Chris making it beyond next week? I don't see it.
Also, the Glass House looks awful.
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