Bachelorette Season 12, Episode 3: You Can't Bully a Bully

Before we get going tonight, I'd like to recommend that all fans out there in Bachelor Nation read Courtney Robertson's book.  I've provided the link to the Oregon Digital Library Consortium, because while I'd recommend you read it, I'd never recommend you spend money on it.  While it's a blatant attempt to cast herself in the best possible light and sell books by bad-mouthing Ben Flajnik and pretty much anyone else she could, it does offer some good insights (rarely, but they're in there) into what goes on behind the scenes and how involved Bachelor producers are in how the girls act and what actually happens on the dates.  I know Andi Dorfman just wrote a book too, but it's not in the library (yet), and apparently she doesn't name names...rather calling every guy by a number in the order they got out of the limo to talk to her.  I'm sure there's some good stuff in there too, but it just seems like the sole purpose of calling guys by numbers instead of their names is to make us all have to rewatch the first episode or do some research online to match a name with a number.  Reading books is hard enough without the writer actively making it more difficult for us readers.

Ok on to the episode:

Oh good....a two night Bachelorette event.  The only good thing about this is that it means I don't have to sit through a stupid rose ceremony tonight.  We start with some bleary eyed dudes around a messy house.  Robby says that it's indicative of what went on at the rose ceremony.  So....Chad drank all that alcohol and threw carrots on the ground?  It looks more like a rebel Easter Bunny had a bender.

Chase gets the one on one date.  America says:

The date card says "let's get physical." So they go to a bikram yoga studio run by a lady named Himalaya Bell.  You might be thinking to yourself "Himalaya Bell...what a ridiculous name.  Who names their kid after a mountain range.  There aren't many Ozark Martins or Pyrenees Bradshaws running around.  BUT WAIT.  Because this is America, where nobody can spell their own name anymore, her name is actually Hemalayaa Behl.  The only time I do yoga is on the Wii Fit, and I call my digital trainer Jessica. Perhaps I should call her Jehsika.

Hemalayaa says "Hi JoJo!" when they walk in, as if she knows who she is, then asks how long her and Chase have been "intimate." This then leads to them grunting and thrusting their pelvises before throwing a temper tantrum Ms. Behl refers to as an "angergasm."  This isn't a real thing right?  Nobody actually does this, right?  They then straddle each other and make out. Jojo feels safe in his arms.  We all know how dangerous those Yoga Studios for horny people are.  As they continue to make out and straddle each other.  Hemalayaa and her sidekick (we'll call him Andes) strangely disappear.  I'd say it was to give them privacy, but these yoga people seem to be impervious to awkwardness and I would guess that normally they'd be close enough to touch knees with the sweaty couple. Thank God for our first commercial break.

At dinner, JoJo says she felt "connected" to Chase when she was sitting on his lap and their genitals were separated by spandex and not much else.  Chase says that's important to him as a "child of divorce."  Oh man.  That's his big reveal?  His parents got divorced, and he doesn't want to go down that road because he saw how bad his parents felt when it happened. That's probably a good thing buddy, because it means they actually cared about each other.  Anyways, given that Chase's big unhappy past story is that his parents got divorced, I think that means he's probably a decent, drama-free dude who might actually be a good husband.  Personally, he seems like the best candidate for the next Bachelor.  The ladies love the sensitive, sweet, clean cut dudes.

Back at the house, Chad says he'd rather pass on the group date to have a one on one later.  Cue the freakouts by the other contestants!  OH MY GOD HE DOESN'T WANT TO GO ON A GROUP DATE. This leads to Evan the boner doctor asking for a Sharpie to cross Chad's name off.  Evan's the scrawniest dude left, so of course Meathead Chad attacks him first, telling him to stop talking.  Jordan then really escalates things by suggesting that Chad sucks at spelling, and now it's on.  Cue the "you're a failed football player" blast.  If by failed you mean he was a two year starter at an SEC school who got a shot with three NFL teams and a CFL team, then sure, he's a failure.  I'd call that pretty damn good though.  Alex then gets into the fray too, condescendingly calling Chad "bro."

In the limo on the ride to the date, one of the guys says he thinks Alex is going to snap and throw down with Chad soon.  Alex says "somebody needs to bring this up in front of of JoJo.  Alex, the big, tough, strong, war veteran, is trying to suggest that someone else call Chad out because he's too scared to do it himself.  What a douche.

Their date is to get on stage and tell their embarrassing sexual stories to a group of strangers.  DO PEOPLE ACTUALLY DO THIS STUFF? Like, people pay money to listen to other people talk about how they lost their virginity?  Why would you do this? I'm only on board with this if JoJo goes first.  Otherwise, it's total bullcrap.  Don't ask someone to do something you wouldn't do yourself. Chad's not into this, and I agree.

Evan feels that Chad "broke the man code" last night (by eating too much meat?) and so he's going to tell sexy Chad stories or something.  Alex is like "yeah do that!" Let's push the scrawniest dude to antagonize the guy who does pull-ups with a suitcase around his waist.  This should be good.  As Evan gets going on the dangers of taking steroids and implies Chad's on the juice.  Alex is nodding enthusiastically and like "oh I can't wait for Chad to kill Evan."  Chad's turn comes up, and he says "this is about the future and goes in for a kiss with JoJo, who gives him the cheek.  Alex can't handle how great this is.  He's chest bumping people and celebrating like he just won $10,000 at the blackjack table.  Chad is understandably pissed that Evan implied he took steroids in front of JoJo. JoJo's playing innocent and like she doesn't understand why this is happening.  C'mon JoJo. Chad shoves Evan, and Evan's like "what are you mad about? It's comedy dude."

Chad's an ass, but he's right.  In a moment I watched probably ten times, Chad walks by Evan and fakes like he's going to hit him.  Evan jumps like he just touched an electric fence, and then says "don't you put your hands on me dude."

The role of Evan will be played by Mark Sanchez tonight

At the cocktail party, Jordan says he's made mistakes in the past putting his career and other things (women?) in front of his girlfriend.  JoJo says "I know what you mean. I didn't open up on last season for like five weeks!"  JoJo kisses him .  Alex says he's there to "ride or die" Alex sucks.  Chad's pissing everyone off, so then they interrogate him yet again.  This time Vinny asks the questions.  Chad tries a bit of revisionist history by saying Evan's trying to intimidate him.  This is just insane. ABC sure made it seem like Evan's shirt ripped, but it seems like it's fine.  Evan demands an apology.  Chad says "leave me alone." I swear to God, if Alex has a conversation with Evan coming up here where he says "we got him right where we want him...just sit right next to him when JoJo comes back in and say something steroid related.  He'll go completely nuts! It'll be great." I'll lose it.  Alex is like a drug dealer using children to move his product so he doesn't get busted himself.  He's more than willing to let Evan get his ass kicked to get Chad out of there.  Nevermind it'll probably get Evan the boot too....that's not the point.  Alex is officially my least favorite guy.  Chad may be arrogant, but he's not trying to hide anything.  Alex on the other hand thinks he's perfect.  Plus, he chest bumps guys after telling sex stories.  It's creepy.

Back at the house, Luke says he's going to cry in a corner if JoJo gives the date to someone else.  Singin' James gets the date, and Luke doesn't follow through on his promise to cry.

Chad walks past every one-on-one date and then makes snide comments to the camera.  Chad's mean, but funny.  Chad has his time with JoJo, and says that Evan was trying to "bully the bully" which JoJo doesn't understand.  Of course, then Evan comes to interrupt Chad, which sort of backs up what Chad's been saying.  Evan uses his time to say he "needs to be stronger."  I assume this means talking more and connecting with JoJo.  Nope.  It means telling her he's going to leave if Chad stays. So...he's going to prove his strength by leaving if the mean guy stays?  JoJo should send them both home....this is clearly not about her.  I'd say "if you guys are so concerned about each other, then you're both out." The problem with this is that it'd be a win for Alex.

Incredibly, I'm rooting for her to send Evan home, just to see Alex's reaction.

WHY IS THERE SO MUCH LEATHER ON THIS SEASON?

Holy crap, it looks like I'm going to get my wish.  JoJo's giving him the "you're great, but..." speech.  And then she gives him the rose.  I don't even know what to say right now. He calls this a "win for his kids" and says "guess what? Daddy made out with JoJo!" Screw this.  JoJo isn't even trying to find love.  She's a straight up shill for ABC and their ratings.  I'm with Chad on this (again) Did you see the way she kissed him?  That's the way you kiss your toddler when he's got a boo-boo.  She has no interest in Evan.  Chad is in disbelief that she gave him a rose, as am I.  Chad picks a bad moment to call this out though, and JoJo is not impressed.

Derek, despite not having any noticeable beef with Chad, says he doesn't feel safe.  This led to a ridiculous scene of a security guard watching Chad sleep.  Give me a goddamn break.  There's camera's all over that place.  No way does a security guard need to be standing in a doorway watching people sleep.

James Taylor, a guy I kinda liked before this date, is not impressing me now.  His energy level is almost too much.  I feel like I'd need a nap by noon every day if I hung out with him.  JoJo seems to like it, but it's almost like the way girls act around their gay male friends in movies.  James, despite being charismatic enough to make it onto a reality show, always things girls are talking to him because they're interested in his best friend Marcus. Anyone else want to meet Marcus now?  He gets a rose, sings a song on his guitar, JoJo cries, and they make out.  I'm willing to bet actual money that he wouldn't have got that kiss if he didn't have his guitar.  Him and his guitar are like Sampson and his hair.

Daniel.....Oh man.  He tells Chad he's making Daniel look bad by association and tells him to be less like Hitler and more like Mussolini.  "Don't be like cancer man.  Be more like genital warts." Good pep talk Daniel.  Chad intelligently says nothing, and continues to chew on a piece of lettuce like a goat.

I forgot there's probably no rose ceremony tonight! We get a shot of the guys working out with actual weights, which totally makes me wonder why the hell he was doing pull-ups with a suitcase last week.  Harrison shows up to tell the guys there won't be a cocktail party. The guys are bummed.  Surprise! JoJo's coming for a pool party all day!

Evan pulls Harrison aside and says he doesn't feel safe despite the security guards being around.  Political correctness has now come to the Bachelor, where everyone needs to have a safe space.  Chris tells Chad that guys say he's taking steriods.  Chad says "I couldn't sneak those in here!" Not exactly a denial, bud.  Chris asks him to smooth things over.  Chad's response: "I'm going to rip arms and legs off and throw torsos in the pool."

For the first time ever, I'm thankful that it's to be continued.  It's past midnight and I'm exhausted, but if this thing was going to keep running, there's no way I could turn it off right now.