We start with Juan Pablo in his salmon shorts hanging out with his family. Juan tells his family that Clare is from Sacramento and that he's not telling them anything else. Perhaps that's because there's nothing else to say? "Clare is from Sacramento, her family is insane, and (earmuffs Camilla) we had sex in Vietnam," probably isn't the best intro.
Clare is so turned on by Juan Pablo hanging out with his daughter. I'm so creeped out by this. Apparently Clare's entire family speaks Spanish, except for of course Clare. Like Jason Derulo says in that song "her booty don't need explaining." She's too pretty to learn another language. She definitely seems like she doesn't fit in at the dinner table with his family. She's kind of off in the corner just hanging out watching him interact with his family.
Next, Clare gets some one on one time with Juan Pablo's mama, who tells her he's hyperactive and rude. Apparently mom's not his biggest cheerleader. Clare is unfazed...rather she seems relieved that his mom thinks he's a dick too. Next up is Juan Pablo's cousin, who straight up asks if she's in love and then follows up with "Juan Pablo likes to cut and run, are you going to hang in there if he's ready to throw in the towel?" Juan Pablo's family is doing a great job of trying to scare her off, but then Papa Pablo gets in there and starts smooth talking her, to the point that she gives him little "besitos." I think we see where Juan Pablo gets it.
The fact that this is a two hour show, and fifteen minutes in Clare's date is over makes me nervous. How many segments of fans saying what they think is going to happen, and how much "expert" commentary are we going to get from girls Juan Pablo dumped and of course Sean, who would never turn down an opportunity to peddle his "aw shucks" schtick are we going to have to sit through?
Juan Pablo's excited because he hasn't seen Nikki in "a couple days." There is definitely some confusion amongst Juan Pablo and his family as to what state Kansas City is in. I'll give them a pass, because it would seem pretty stupid to someone from another country that there is a Kansas City that isn't in the state of Kansas. I'll actually give Nikki some credit for not being a geography snob and explaining the situation, or maybe I should give ABC credit for cutting that out. Either way, I'm glad we didn't sit through that.
Papa Pablo isn't being as smooth with Nikki as he was with Clare. He goes straight into a "Juan Pablo is a selfish dude. Good luck with that" routine. Next up is Mama Pablo, who is much nicer and friendly with Nikki than she was with Clare. I'm picturing Juan Pablo's parents in their hotel room flipping a coin to see who gets to be the "bad cop" with the girls. Juan Pablo's cousin again goes into the "Juan Pablo might take off, can you handle that?" What is it with this guy? Did Juan Pablo send him out to be the bad guy, plant the seed and force an argument between him and the girls later that gives him an excuse to walk away? Nikki's response is "a relationship without fights has no passion" which is bullshit. I'll never buy into the "love hurts" philosophy, or that "you don't care if you don't fight." It's more of an individual personality thing. Some people like to fight. Some people don't. Doesn't mean either way is right or wrong, or that one style works better than another. There's my little monologue for the night.
Moving on, we get to listen to the crowd. Chris Harrison picks out some people to talk to. The first lady is terrified for the girls, concerned about the family warning the girls off. He then finds a guy brave enough to admit that he's "Team Nikki" before awkwardly answering a question about his wife. I'll bet
Next we get the alumni view of the show. Kelly is concerned that girls aren't concerned enough, Catherine says that she "likes Juan Pablo as a person" which is stupid because he is a person. Does this mean she hates him as a dog? I know I hate those dogs that pretend to be people. There's our first filler segment that I hated.
Commercial comment - How far has Diddy fallen that he has to have someone else's song be the soundtrack to his own commercial? C'mon man.
Time for more Clare time - in a helicopter! ABC almost broke a streak there I think. Juan Pablo has nothing but good things to say about Clare, but Clare is super pissed off about something Juan Pablo says. This sounds exactly like what happened with Andi. Well maybe not. Apparently Juan Pablo said something perverted to her, and now Clare's ready to bail. So much for that conversation she had with JP's cousin about hang in in there through the good times and bad. This is a classic breakup technique - overreact to something minor (I'm assuming it's minor, because unless he said "it's a good thing you're pretty, because I'd never be with you otherwise" how could one comment joking or not derail this so fast) - so that you don't have to explain the real reason you want to break it off. I've done it before, and I've had it happen to me before.
Clare isn't ready to let it go - she wants Juan Pablo to talk it out. She says "you made a comment about something we did in private" and how he didn't know know her at all. Juan Pablo sticks to his guns and refuses to apologize. Clare apparently thinks that he's only interested in their physical relationship. Juan Pablo says "I don't need the physical anymore from you." I want to chalk this up to a language/cultural misunderstanding, but the fact that he's saying "I don't need to touch you anymore five seconds after begging her for some besitos seems disingenuous at best. Pretty much it sounds like "if you're going to give me an easy way out of this relationship, I'm going to take it, because Nikki has got her life way more together than you do."
Clare doesn't understand why he has doubts. Let me remind her that she hasn't admitted to him that she loves him yet either. She keeps reiterating that she is falling in love with her. They have some sort of conversation about kissing....where Juan Pablo seems to feel he has the upper hand because she "broke the kissing rule." Neither of them seem to be getting the desired result out of this conversation. Clare's done with the kissing...she wants serious conversations. Juan Pablo, who seems to be oblivious to Clare's needs at the moment, says he's going to "move in a little closer." Clare's still not giving in, so he resorts to a completely new tactic - complete submission. "I'll put a baby - twins! - in you in 14 months and I'll move to Sacramento!!!" Clare needs to get some legal advice from Andi, because she clearly doesn't understand that a confession made under duress is not admissible in court. Juan Pablo then resorts to playing the song that big hairy dude sang to them in the fake snow in LA, which makes Clare all wobbly in the knees and now it's time to make out. BESITOS FOR EVERYONE!!!
Incredibly, Clare still admits that she doesn't know him and he doesn't know her as much, but she's convinced enough to want to marry the guy. Back in the arena of the fans, everyone is pissed at Clare for giving in. C'mon people, what have you seen from her that makes you think she wouldn't fold?
Harrison teases Nikki's date as "a date with the man she THINKS she's in love with." This can't be good.
Nikki's looking for a little confirmation of his feelings for her. Nikki, Nikki, Nikki.....You know you're not going to get what you want here. Juan Pablo does that thing where he asks her what her concerns are, and she says "you seem kind of guarded and you don't really open up." Juan Pablo says "nope, that's all in your head," or at least that's what his dismissive response implies. Nikki seems pretty concerned, but not concerned enough to press the issue. Nikki asks him what he's going to do when he doesn't have a private island anymore. His answer - "I'll be watching TV in my bed or in my office...probably alone." OUCH. At this point I think Juan Pablo is playing a game with all of America - he's trying to singlehandedly destroy the what's left of the fantasy that the Bachelor Franchise peddles. He's out to prove that whomever the bachelor is just has to be attractive and have a pulse to get these ladies to say yes to whatever he asks. He wants to show America these girls will accept a proposal from a completely perverted dolt who gives them no positive reinforcement.
Juan Pablo continues to ignore or not pick up on any of the signs that Nikki is putting out there. She says she's nervous, and rather than put her at ease, he says "I'm nervous too." She gives him a card telling her how much she loves him, and he says "thank you." Then, without another word, he kisses her forehead and says "I'll see you tomorrow." Maybe Juan Pablo thinks he's keeping all of America on the hook by stonewalling both girls so that we have no idea what he's really thinking. Or maybe he's a moron. Nikki is left in tears. Back in the live audience arena, people are not happy. Their reaction:
Let's finish this off, ok? Claire finds the largest earrings her ears can support, Nikki's words of excitement definitely don't match the look on her face, and Juan Pablo stares at the ring he got from Neil Lane. Apparently that conversation didn't go well either, because they cut Neil's face time, which I thought was mandated by their advertising agreement.
Time for one of the ladies to get off the boat, but who is it? Clare! Going first usually means you're getting dumped. The lack of music is kind of making this dramatic. Now the music is back, and Claire's talking about how she hasn't been in love since before her dad died, and we're back on track with a typical final ceremony. Clare can barely contain her nerves. Juan Pablo tells her...well you know what he tells her... and then of course he makes her bare her soul and tell her how awesome he is and how much she believes in him. Kind of sweet. He says she's unbelievable and amazing...and he's dumping her. He goes in for the goodbye hug, and she stops him dead in his tracks and the crowd goes wild.
Time for Clare to start rolling - she's pissed. She goes off on him, telling him that he could've told her he didn't care for her at any point, which is completely untrue because he has to keep two people to the end because otherwise there wouldn't be a show. She then gets nasty, telling him she would never want her kids to have a father like him, and when he tries to tell her the moment he made his decision, she walks away. Juan Pablo, in what may be the single greatest moment in the history of this show, casually quips "Glad I didn't pick her!" Unreal...such a petty, bitter statement. This guy is a world class A-hole. This guy better hope and pray that Nikki says yes, because I think he might find dating anyone with even a modicum of self respect to be a tough proposition.
I'm imagining Juan Pablo dating some girl who doesn't know he was on the show and thinking he's golden. Then she googles his name and he's dead meat. Poor Camilla. I hope her mom is a steady presence in her life, because this is just a mess. How can you go on this show when you have a kid? It's incredibly selfish in my opinion. You're towing your kid along for one of the most ridiculous rides ever.
I almost forgot we're not done yet. Nikki gets her time to talk about how much she wants to marry him, and to thank him for being so amazing. I can't wait to hear her reaction to watching the Clare situation. But first she says she loves him. True to form, he tells her he loves "so many things about her." He's going to let her twist 'til the final second. Actually he's going to make her twist a little longer than that - he's not proposing. Not only that, he tells her that HE HAS A RING IN HIS POCKET that he's not going to use. Way to dangle the carrot in front of her a little longer, Juan Pablo. If they're still together on the after the final rose I'll be shocked. Actually, I'm shocked that he didn't show it to her and say "if you play your cards right, Toots, you might see this on your finger, so start putting out and stop asking me about my feelings. BESITOS NOW, BITCH!" This guy.....
After the final rose time - and Clare's up first. She's still mad that she said "tell me if you have any doubts, because if you do I'll leave" and he didn't send her home. She still seems oblivious to the fact that the show rules all. Harrison presses her to say what it was he said on the helicopter, and she says "it's not something I care to repeat." My wife thinks it's because she's going to sell an exclusive story to a tabloid. Maybe the FCC said "you can't say that on TV!!" although I doubt it, because I watch a lot of shows with censor bars and bleeps. Maybe it really wasn't that bad, and she realizes that keeping it a secret allows people's minds to run wild.
Claire goes on to say that this was the first time in her life that she was able to stand up to a man like she's some sort of beacon of truth that women can look up to. Nevermind the fact that she didn't stand up to him until AFTER SHE HAD BEEN DUMPED. This is why Andi is the next Bachelorette and you aren't....she stood up to him before he had a chance to dismiss her.
Next up is Juan Pablo, who comes out to the most pitiful pity-applause in the history of the show. He makes sure to get out that he's emotional because of the conflict in Venezuela, which is a nice gesture but also acts as a good way to shield himself from the harshness of the crowd. Juan Pablo makes a good point in that they take over 600 hours of film and compress it into less than 20 hours, but it's too little too late. Juan Pablo keeps up the "I'm honest and people are going to get hurt sometimes" routine, and then he says to Chris "so what did Clare say about me?" Incredible. This guy is amazing. He's trolling for information about his ex on live television.
Nikki's up next, and she right of the bat confirms that they're very happy and that she's very much in love, and yet Juan Pablo still hasn't told her he loves her. She says "it's in his actions - I know he cares about me. He wouldn't be here if he didn't care about me." These are the words of a desperate woman. It's like she's got Stockholm Syndrome or something.
This is officially the most awkward and uncomfortable hour in this show's history. Even the people who paid to get into the audience don't want to be there anymore. The big surprise that Chris Harrison has been teasing all night? It's that Juan Pablo and Nikki are together and happy. #EPICFAIL. Juan Pablo just trolled the entire nation for two and a half months. Chris is demanding Juan Pablo tell America that he loves Nikki. Juan Pablo says he's not going to say it, and the crowd moans its disapproval. I'll agree with him on this - the first time he says that he loves her should be to her, not to Chris Harrison.
Juan Pablo is now talking about people on message boards saying mean things and this somehow ties into him not saying "I love you." Sensing his moment to shine, Sean says that "everyone is different and does things differently, but I know that I couldn't wait to tell Catherine I loved her." The crowd roars its approval, and Juan Pablo is now vilified for not telling Nikki he loves her when he doesn't. Juan Pablo isn't giving in. Nikki says the only intelligent thing on this entire hour of television, saying "a lot of people have come up here and said they were in love when it was apparent they weren't." The audience and the Chris Harrison are out for blood. They want Juan Pablo to make his grand announcement of love and propose to Nikki on the spot. Instead, we're left with a pretty complicated scenario that plays out more like "real" relationships do off screen. Chris Harrison is so pissed, he exits the hot seat arena during the commercial rather than sit around an chat. Back from commercial, Chris Harrison says "We're back - Nikki is in love, Juan Pablo is in love but won't say it." Holy crap man, stop badgering the witness. If he says "I'm not in love with her" you hammer him, and if he says nothing, he's admitting by omission that Chris is right that he's in love and not saying it.
Juan Pablo wants to keep things private. Sean butts in and says "it's not private after the show." Which is a bit misleading because he went on Dancing with the Stars and had his wedding on national television, and shows up every time the show calls him. There's plenty of Bachelor alums that are pretty anonymous (anyone know what Tierra is up to today? What about Courtney Robertson?) by choice. I have no doubt that if Juan Pablo and Nikki can weather the next six months or so, people will lose interest and move on. They'll only be in the news if they want to be in the news.
Now we get the worst kept secret in world - Andi is the Bachelorette. We get to see a nice puff piece of her walking through Atlanta's rougher neighborhoods taking pictures of graffiti with her iPhone and saying things like "I mean, that's just like 'Welcome to the Gang." I don't like her, but she's not afraid to say what she's thinking, so her season should much different from this season.
Perhaps the perfect way to end this terrible season is this exchange between Chris and Andi:
Chris: What happens if on the final day you say "I love you, I love you, I love you," and the guy you pick says "I like you a lot?"
Andi: I'll say "where's the other guy? Can I have a do-over?"
That's what this show wants. They want to see two people say they love each other, even if it's not true at all.
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