This week they announced the cast for Bachelor Pad 3, and lo and behold, my boy Tony Pieper will be back for another round of showing America how much he loves and misses his son. I guess an optimist would say that he tried to find love with Emily on the Bachelorette but it didn't work out, so he's going to give it one more shot to find a wife who would also be a good mother for his son. A pessimist would say that he overplayed the "I miss my son" card with Emily and she sent him home because of it, so now he's back to try and earn some more TV time with some girls with less reliable moral compasses on the Bachelor Pad. As I'm typing this, I'm actually wondering if maybe ABC asked Tony to really emphasize how much he missed his son to try to make some drama out of nothing on the season, and when it backfired, they apologized by offering him a spot on the Pad. Lord knows that you don't go to the Bachelor Pad looking for a mother for your kid. It's all drunken hookups, backstabbing, and games where you throw eggs at people you think are less attractive. Then again, Lindzi from Ben's season is doing it, and I thought she came through the Bachelor franchises rigmarole with more of her dignity intact than just about anyone ever has. I said this before Tony went on the 'ette and I'll say it again: I hope he gets whatever it is he's hoping to get out of his time on reality TV.
On to Croatia! Emily tells us that Croatia is "really like being in another world" and that it's "like going back in time." These things really confuse me, because how many other worlds has Emily been to? In what movies do you go to another planet and it looks like Eastern Europe? Also, judging from the hotel room the guys are staying in, Croatia is not that far back in time. Like maybe 2009. Has electricity and everything! Also, Ricki has gone back to Carolina with the nanny, making the decision to move the show to Carolina in the first place that much more bizarre, although it'd be kind of cool if they started taking the show on the road and setting up in the hometowns of the bachelor/bachelorette. Just don't pretend to make it about the kid, because this process is clearly not about Ricki.
First date goes to Travis. They walk through old town, and Travis pretends to like the pistachio ice cream Emily gets. Then they try to balance on some stone that apparently will make you lucky in love if you can balance on it topless. Emily says they're not leaving until one of them succeeds, but makes no attempt to take her own shirt off. Neither does Travis, although he does try to balance. Emily pouts to the cameras that she didn't get to see what was under that shirt. Apparently abs are high on Emily's list of requirements in a suitor. Lil' Ricki ain't getting no daddy with a flabby tummy y'all! After some awkward dancing in front of a street musician who looks like he wants nothing more than for the obnoxious Americans to leave, Travis declares the date to be a 10 on a "scale of 8." Who uses an 8 point scale? Rachel says people in Mississippi do because they don't usually deal with numbers as high as ten. She beat me to that joke. I do like Travis though, as he seems to be one of the genuine good guys on this show who isn't really that concerned with his image. The dinner goes smoothly, but there's no passion, and Emily gives him the boot. Nice guys do finish last in North Carolina apparently. Emily says that in a lot of ways this was "so perfect, but in the biggest way it wasn't." I'm still trying to figure out how there's less passion with Travis than their is with Jef the middle school lover, but whatever. Travis cries on his way out, then throws his umbrella away in the rain in mock anger. I'm wondering how many times they shot that before he was able to do it without smiling or laughing and saying "I'm sorry, you guys really want me to throw an umbrella against a wall?" Nobody throws an umbrella. There's no satisfaction in it, especially when it's opened. You can't get any velocity on it as the wind resistance immediately slows it down and makes you look like a sissy. It's like throwing an uncrumpled sheet of paper. When you throw something out of anger, you're trying to inflict damage on either the item you threw, or the item you're throwing at. An opened umbrella won't accomplish any of that. Feel bad for Travis.
Onto the group date. They're watching Brave, which is about a Scottish princess who has to marry one of three guys, but she's a badass who wants to choose her own fate. Emily loves the movie, the guys pretend to love the movie, and now it's time to have the guys compete in their own version of the Highland Games. Of course, they'll be wearing kilts, and it's time for the Americans to bash everything about other cultures! We're wearing skirts! This is worse than wearing the dress in the Shakespeare festival! What a Scottish movie and Croatia have to do with each other I have no clue, but Disney was going to get their movie plugged come hell or high water! Also, they're riding donkeys because that's the traditional mount of Croatian warriors. This makes me wonder how many times Croatia has been conquered over the centuries, because I'll bet it's a lot. An army of donkeys? I hope the march into battle to this song C'mon Croatia, you're better than that. Chris loses the first round by shooting a bow and arrow in the most effeminate way ever. Pretty awesome. Next event is caber toss, and Chris volunteers in an attempt to redeem himself, but fails at that too. Shawn throws the log and it breaks, and apparently this is due to his huge muscles and no the log falling on the ground at an awkward angle. Emily thinks he looked freaking hot and his hotness broke the log or something. Whatever. Next up is something that is essentially one on one tug of war with a stick instead of a rope. Again Chris is up first, and he picks Doug for his opponent, an again he's soundly defeated. All his losing makes an impression on Emily though, and she gives him the Bravery Cup, a ficticious award given to the person who fails the most spectacularly.
The cocktail party goes pretty routinely. Sean says he's having "strong feelings" that he hasn't had in a long time. Arie continues his mission to say whatever he thinks Emily wants or needs to hear regardless of if he means it or not. This time he's apologizing for London, where he didn't stick up for her enough. She brushes it off, saying she held him to a higher standard than the other guys, which I suppose you should do if a guy keeps telling you how special you are and how much he cares about you and all he wants are your kisses and blah blah blah. Actions speak louder than words Arie, remember that. The only action Arie seems to know is tongue action, because they're at it again on a dark street.
Jef, bless his heart, is so totally stoked that he's finaly kissed a girl that he can't wait to do it again. I swear this guy is 14 years old. Emily wants to know what took him so stinking long to make a move. Jef says it's because he was scared of her. I think what he really means is that he was scared of rejection, but whatever. Emily asks him if that's really the reason, or if he was playing some sort of "hard to get" game with her. Jef tells her he thinks she's "freaking awesome." This is not a man capable of playing mind games with a girl. I'm still confused as to how she feels more passion with this dinkus than Travis, but whatever.
Chris uses his one on one time to say the most confusing sentence ever. "If I ever love you, I'll love you forever. I want you to know that I'm in this forever." What the heck does that mean? Does he love her and just can't tell her yet? Is he telling her that he doesn't feel the passion yet, but he sees the potential? I have no clue. Emily apparently understands enough to give him the rose, much to the chagrin of Arie, who pouts that every time he thinks he's getting a rose, he doesn't. Guess you'll have to settle for those kisses instead, Mr. Racecar Driver.
Ryan's one on one date is up next, and he starts off the date by talking about how he's such an optimist and he's always seeing the positive in everything and how Emily's the pearl in this world and all the other guys are about to throw up. Rachel says that Emily seems exhausted before they ever get off the couch . Ryan's talking about how he's a safe driver and "never gets in accidents." This is true of everyone until, of course, they get in their first accident. He's really hamming it up, and Emily seems to love it. She says that they have great chemistry. Translation is that she thinks he's attractive. They go oystering, and then some old Croatian yells at them and shows them a yellowed picture of himself from fifty years ago. Who he was and why he felt compelled to convey his autobiography to these two is beyond me. Ryan repeats the trophy wife comment, and Emily bristles. Ryan then explains that a trophy is something that exemplifies the best things in life and that she is the best things in life. This satisfies Emily enough that she doesn't smack him.
Then it's onto dinner, where Ryan throws more smooth lines that Emily tries to act offended at but smiles so big you know she loves every minute of it. Ryan, he of the eight page note that sunk Tony in week two, pulls out yet another note with twelve qualities he wants in his wife on it: Loyalty, Logic, Encouraging, Faithful, Nurturing, Confident, and Magnetic, Loves to Laugh, assertive, unselfish, sexy personality, and someone who catches his eye, and he says "you see I put that one last, but I also put it in bold." As he's trying to say "it's not that important to me and YET IT'S EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO ME. What an enigma Ryan is!! Emily says that "she feels the need to be perfect around him all the time," to which Ryan responds "that is a great point and very smart of you to bring up." He then drops it and apparently that's the end of the conversation. Does he not value her opinion enough to offer a counterpoint? He then switches the subject to the rose, and Emily tells him she sees a lot in him, but doesn't think that they are looking for the same thing in a relationship and therefore can't give him the rose. Ryan, master manipulator that he is, latches onto the indecision in Emily's voice and body language and attacks her as making a rash decision in not giving him more time. Ryan is showing no intention of leaving the table, and Emily is showing no urgency in excusing him, almost as if she (or ABC) WANTS HIM TO TALK HER OUT OF LETTING HIM GO. What? Contrived drama on a reality show? For shame! Ryan, ever the wordsmith, says "sometimes you make the right decisions and sometimes you make the wrong decisions....time will tell." He's trying to be serious, but it reminded me of Rosie Perez in White Men Can't Jump when she says sometimes when you win, you really lose, and sometimes when you lose, you really win, and sometimes when you tie, you really win or lose." Emily channels her innner Disney Princess and takes control of the situation and tells him again that he's not getting the rose. Ryan then says something incredibly logical and thoughtful in that he "hates hearing her say that she doesn't think she makes him happy, because he does enjoy their time together." A very good statement, but then he follows it up by saying "you have to trust yourself, but you're making the wrong decision." Welcome back, arrogant Ryan! We get a shot of the guys high fiving over Ryan's departure, and then back to Ryan, who, as he's getting into the reject taxi, says "when you look at me, you're looking at a winner." Something tells me he'll get over this pretty quickly.
Side note: That's at least the third person that's been sent home on a one on one date. The guys may hate the group dates, but it seems that she's using the one on one dates as a last chance for guys she's thinking about sending home. You're pretty safe if you're on the group date.
Arie apparently bribes the production team into getting extra one on one time and sneaks over to Emily's room to cuddle in bed and kick Ryan while he's down. Much like with Kalon, Arie feels fine talking about what a dick Ryan is after he's gone, but this time Emily seems to appreciate it this time around. How this situation is any different I don't know, but I'd say we already know who this season's winner is.
Emily breaks with Bachelor tradition by saying "I think if I was sending someone home tonight, it'd be John." This probably means that John is going to redeem himself in a big way at this cocktail party, and guess what? He does! He carries his grandparents funeral cards in his wallet, and in the world's largest coincidence ever, his grandpa died 9 years ago today! All of this is very touching to Emily, who knows what it's like to have someone close to her die (just like everyone else in the world too). Now she's conflicted. He loved his grandparents! He's probably good husband material!
Doug, who I see even less passion in than Travis or Jef, gets all uncomfortable and awkward when Emily tells him to touch her. She says that she loves that people call him "Humble Doug," which of course he humbly answers "It's just a name." He then humbly says that he's less sure of his place and may have in fact taken a step back tonight. What a humble guy. He then cries when thinking about his son and America OD's on humble pie.
Emily says that Ryan told her he couldn't believe she was giving up on the chance that something could be there, and that's really stuck with her. So much so that she doesn't want to give up on that chance with the other guys! In a cruel twist of fate, confident Ryan's confident words end up bolstering the chances of the other guys. Emily continues with her strange mixed messages by saying "I'm not 100% sure of what I'm doing, but I'm sending some people home anyways, sorry guys!" Chris, who would've been executed in old time Scotland for being the worst Highlander ever, is safe, and the other roses go to Arie, Shawn and Jef. Emily then gets all conflicted and walks out of the room without a word. She goes and talks to Chris, who tells her she makes the rules. She then hands him the rose and walks back into the room and, in the most nervous way ever says "I can't hand out the final rose." But wait! Here comes Chris with an extra rose! They're both safe! Emily was just faking the nervous tension! What a performance...you don't think she was purposefully playing with their emotions do you? What a great way to find a husband.
Time for scenes from next week, and apparently Arie used to hook up with a producer. I'd like to say I'm surprised, but I'm not. Probably helps you get on the shows if you know someone who works on them. Also, we get our nice little parting scene of the guys trying to ride the donkeys. Rachel says she'd rather watch two hours of them trying to ride a donkey than a regular episode of the bachelorette. Sadly, I agree with her, although you can't really blog about a two hour donkey ride, can you?
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